Operation Barn Dance (by bahj)

Summary: Some women are worth a lot of trouble . . . but not all of them . . . (Just a short “cheesy” story :0)

Rated: Family Friendly / Word count: 2317

Written for a challenge 2013.
Words given:
Barn Dance
Fire
Horseshoe
Cheese
Operation

 

 

Operation Barn Dance

There are, oh about a hundred ways to start a fire, I suppose. Grease fire, spark from a camp fire, droppin’ a match, but I have to tell ya, I never in a million years worried about startin’ a fire with nothing more’n a baked potato. Dadburn that was one hot potato, though.

I’m guessin’ you probably want to hear the story from the beginning, and I aim to get there, but I reckon it’ll be easier to understand if I start with the gal, and she don’t come in till the middle. She was real pretty; long brown hair, big hazel eyes, soft, pink cheeks, and the low down, dirtiest, no good . . . Well, you get the idea. I first saw her standin’ near the eatin’ tables, and of all the good things there were to choose from, she was fillin’ her plate with cheese. I shoulda known right then to stay away from her, but then she looked up and caught me starin’, and the smile she gave me would’ve knocked my hat plumb off my head, iffin’ I’d had it on. I glanced around real quick to make sure neither of my brother’s had spotted her. I was in luck, Little Joe wasn’t nowhere in sight and Adam was pinned against the wall across the room gettin’ his ear talked off by one of Virginia City’s council members. I pursed my lips, sucked in my stomach, and walked real casual-like over to the tables.

“Well, howdy, ma’am,” I said, reaching out for a plate of my own. “If you don’t mind my sayin’ so, this food don’t look half as good as it could if you weren’t standin’ next to it . . . lookin’ pretty that is.”

Adam told me later that any girl fallin’ for a line like that oughta been a dead giveaway. I told him to keep his comments to himself or the only dead being givin’ away would be his sorry hide.

She seemed surprised for a second, and I stood there holdin’ my breath, wishing I could put words together the way my older brother does, but then she laughed, and the sound of it was as pretty as the birds singing in the mornin’, and suddenly I weren’t nervous no more.

“Well, thank you,” she said. “I’ll take that as a compliment, Mr. uh . . .”

“Hoss, ma’am . . . I mean Cartwright . . . I mean . . . I’m Hoss Cartwright ma’am, pleased to meet ya.”

“Thank you, Mr. Cart . . .”

“Hoss.”

“All right, Hoss. I’d be pleased if you would call me Nicole.”

It was my turn to smile. The town meetin’ started shortly after that, and she let me escort her to a seat next to mine; never did hear a word of the meetin’.

It was three weeks later before I got up enough nerve to ask her to the barn dance over at Mr. Watkins farm. I chose that dance in particular because I knew Adam wasn’t goin’; it’s hard enough for a feller to find a girl without havin’ to fight off two good lookin’ brothers. My pa was stayin’ home too; him and Adam were takin’ a stand. Seems everyone knew old man Watkins had planned the whole thing just to try n’ swing votes for some new cattle regulation in his favor. It just happened that this regulation was opposite the one my older brother was goin’ for. Not that any of that bothered me and Little Joe none. I mean, we are on Adam’s side and all, but a dance is a dance. Adam threw a fit about us goin’ at first, but then Little Joe got one of his quick thinkin’ spells.

“Gee, Adam,” he’d said, “we’re only goin’ because we wanted to get an idea for how the others are going to vote.”

“Yeah,” I was quick to add in.

I didn’t think Adam was gonna buy it, but even he falls for Little Joe’s fast talkin’ once in a while, and my baby brother was really layin’ it on thick that day.

Well, by the end of the week, we had both Adam and Pa convinced that sendin’ us to the dance as scouts was in the Ponderosa’s best interest. Of course, Little Joe started takin’ the whole spy thing a little too seriously. I was willing to overlook him callin’ it Operation Barn dance, but when he told me the signal word—in case there was any trouble—was horseshoe, I decided to remind him that we were really only goin’ to have a good time.

The night of the dance finally came and by some miracle I managed to make it out the front door lookin’ pretty spiffy, if I do say so myself. Just a few hours before, I hadn’t been sure if my youngest brother and I were gonna make it out of the house without sportin’ a pair of black eyes. Seemed Little Joe and I’d been fightin’ over just about everything all day long—which one of use was gonna put the horses away, which one of us got the first bath, which one of us was gonna borrow Adam’s new cologne ‘stead of Pa’s usual. But by the time we got the buggy hitched up and on the road, I was too nervous and Little Joe too excited for either of us to hold a grudge. We swung by and picked up Joe’s gal first, then stopped in front of the hotel to get Nicole. Everything started off just as smooth as peach fuzz. When we arrived at the dance, I helped her in and out of the buggy, we went inside, made a little small talk, had some punch and even danced to a few tunes.

After our fourth turn around the dance floor, Nicole mentioned that she was hungry, so I escorted her to the food tables. I tried not to make a face when she got choosy over the cheese, but when she turned and asked if I wanted some, her plate got a little too close to my nose and I felt my stomach turn.

“Oh, that’s the stilton,” she said, pullin’ her plate away and pointin’ out a cheese that looked like it’d been sittin’ on the kitchen counter for about three years. “The odor is a little strong but it melts in your mouth like butter.”

I thought about tellin’ her I’d rather eat the butter, but my Pa’d taught me better manners than that, n’ besides, I was still feelin’ too weak to talk. Having suddenly lost my appetite, I decided to just grab a couple two three slices of apple pie and then I followed her over to the chairs. We’d nearly finished eating when I caught her glancing at a tall man across the room. It was a feller I’d never seen before, and he had the kind of looks I’d been glad Adam stayed at home for. I got fidgety when she kept lookin’ and when she smiled at him, I frowned. The next thing I knew, the stranger had made his way over to us.

“Good evening,” he said in some kind of accent that made him sound like he was readin’ poetry ‘stead of just sayin’ howdy.

Nicole looked at me, but she must have guessed by the way I slowly folded my arms across my chest that I wasn’t plannin’ on playin’ nice.

“Uh, hello, Mr. uh . . .”

“Beaufort,” he said, and I nearly laughed out loud.

“Beaufort Munster, I’ve arrived here only recently. I have a great interest in all the great West has to offer.” He took Nicole’s hand and kissed it before he continued. “I can see that I’ve not made the journey in vain.”

I figured it was about time for me to cut in. “Yes, well Mr. Buffalo-”

“Beaufort,” he corrected.

“Yeah, well, I promised this little gal we’d get in a lotta dancin’ this evening, so if you’ll just excuse us.”

The way Beaufort narrowed his eyes made me smile, but the fact that I was nearly dragging Nicole back to the dance floor let me know that I’d already lost her to Mr. Fancy Pants. She waited through two more whole dances before she asked me to get her some punch. I shuffled cross the room to the punch table and took my time pourin’ a glass. Sure enough, by the time I turned around she was dancin’ with Beaufort. I sighed and moseyed on over to some benches along the side of the room. I hadn’t been there long when Little Joe caught sight of me sittin’ by myself. I watched him excuse himself and then scooted over so he could sit beside me?

“What’s going on?” he asked, tossing his head in Nicole’s direction.

He looked madder than I felt when I’d finished explainin’. He glanced around the room and then he spotted the two getting’ some dessert. Before I could stop him, Joe was halfway across the room.

“Now look here, Mr. Monster-”

“Munster,” Beaufort corrected, just as I came up behind Little Joe. “I don’t know what you think . . .”

I tuned my little brother out for a second when I noticed a feller about as big as a grizzly bear comin’ toward us from the other side of the room.

“Joe,” I interrupted, pulling on his arm.

“Just a second, Hoss.”

“No, Joe, I think we should just-”

Little Joe batted my hand away, and by that time the giant was almost upon us. I racked my brain tryin’ to remember the call word Little Joe had made up. Boot . . . snowshoe . . . by the time I remembered it was horseshoe, it was too late.

“Is there a problem, Beau,” the large man asked, coming up beside Beaufort and Nicole.

“No, I don’t think so,” he answered as he eyed Little Joe.

I could see the courage melt right out of Little Joe’s face, and I rolled my eyes.

“Gentlemen,” Beaufort said. “This is my brother, Asiago. We’ve both just arrived in Virginia City today.”

“They’ve been all over the world, Hoss,” Nicole said.

“Yes, we’ve just come here from Switzerland,” Beaufort said.

“Oh, you’re Swiss,” Little Joe asked, with just a touch of panic in his voice.

“No, I’m Beaufort and this is Asiago.” Beaufort turned to me then. “It was most kind of you to allow me to take over the entertainment of this delightful lady.”

I couldn’t believe what he was sayin’, but when I turned to Nicole, she blushed. “I’m sorry, Hoss, but I told Mr. Munster I would give him the last few dances, and since we’re both staying at the hotel, he’s offered to escort me back. You don’t mind do you?”

I felt Little Joe tense beside me and realized his courage had come back in full force. I figured it would be best to just cut my losses, so I grabbed Little Joe’s arm, gave a curt nod, and mumbled a good evening before stalking off.

“Look, Little Joe,” I said once we were a safe enough distance away, “maybe we should just go home.”

“Oh, Hoss, no.” I looked behind Little Joe in surprise. I’d nearly forgotten about his gal. “My pa said I don’t have to be home for hours yet, and I haven’t had a night out in just ages,” she said.

She pouted real pretty for a few seconds before Little Joe and I melted.

“Hoss, do you mind if . . .” Joe asked with a helpless shrug.

I waved them both to go dance and was about to sit down again when my stomach decided to remind me that I hadn’t had much to eat that night. I stuck my hands in my pockets and made my way back to the food tables. Nicole was dancin’ again. I kept hearin’ her giggle as I filled my plate and every time, I was tempted to throw a slice of cheese at her. I wasn’t really going to throw anything, honestly, but I guess I wasn’t payin’ attention when one of the men brought in a full plate of hot potatoes. I grabbed one of them steaming suckers at the same time Nicole gave a high pitched laugh and the next thing I knew, I gave a yowl and the potato was flyin’ across the room. Of course, it hit a lamp and the rest is pretty much history. The lamp fell, the flames spread, and before the night was out, Mr. Watkins barn looked like the inside of a BBQ pit the day after a party.

Adam did the figurin’ for me and said I could have the barn paid off in about two years as long as I didn’t spend any money. ‘Course I’m hopin’ he’ll just help me build Mr. Watkins a new one instead. After all, because of the fire everyone forgot all about votin’ for that new cattle regulation.

The End

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Author: bahj

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