Summary:  He swears he hasn’t had a drink, but his vision has to been seen to be believed.  And you won’t believe it.

Rating:  K+ (2,100 words)

 

Hoss and the Saloon Girl

 

Well, after I seen her, a’course I done backed right out of that there saloon, and I was wondering good and hard if’n I wasn’t a bit sun-tetched. I mean, I ain’t given t’ what my brother Adam calls “delusions” but what I seen would’a made anyone doubt their eyes. A’course, had I been spendin’ all afternoon in the Bucket of Blood, that’d be one thing. But I’d just walked in. I hadn’t even had time to order one dang ol’ beer.

At least I thought I hadn’t. Then I wondered if maybe I hadn’t’a had me a whole keg and just plain forgot. But then I realized that that couldn’t be the case, on account that ain’t the sort of thing what happens when I’m in town with Adam. He don’t cotton t’drinkin’ ’til you’re tight as an owl. I only end up doin’ stuff like then when I’m hangin’ around with my younger brother, Little Joe.

Incidentally, that’s why it’s always a heap more fun t’go t’town with Little Joe, than it is with Adam. Now I ain’t denyin’ that when I go with Adam we gets us a lot more work done. But we don’t have near the fun doin’ it as me and Joe do. But Joe wasn’t in town this time, on account last time he left the ranch, he done went and got screamin’ drunk, lost hisself a heap of money at the card table, and didn’t make it home ’til somewhere goin’ on three in the mornin’. That’s somethin’ that Pa wouldn’t be too happy about if me or Adam had done it, but seein’ as how Joe is only sixteen, Pa was fit to be tied. And boy, when Pa lit into him, I was mighty glad I’d given Virginia City a miss that time. So now Joe was confined to the ranch for a whole month, and that meant I wasn’t gonna be seein’ a lot of fun times fer a while.

So I knew I weren’t drunk, but I couldn’t deny what I’d seen, neither. So I stood outside the saloon fer a while, scratchin’ my head, but that didn’t really help nothin’. Now I know folks round these parts’ll tell ya I ain’t likely t’ go bowlegged totin’ my brains around, but I’m bright enough t’ know when I’m licked. So I thought I best be findin’ Big Brother Adam, and askin’ his opinion. And figgerin’ where he’d be weren’t no hard task. It was too late fer the bank t’be open, so I knew he weren’t in there countin’ the money in the safe t’make sure it was solvent, and I’d’a just seen he weren’t in the saloon, so the only other place I knew he’d be was at the General Store, lookin’ at books. See, my brother Adam’s powerful smart. He’s even been t’college, and if there’s one thing he likes t’spend his time an’ money on it’s books. Never figgered that one out, myself, but he’s a nice-enough feller, even if he ain’t so much fun as Joe, so I just let him at it, long as he don’t try t’read out loud t’me.

So I wandered down the street, and sure enough, there he was at the General Store. I could see him through the window, his nose shoved in a book and no clue what was goin’ on around him.

I stuck my head in the door and cleared my throat.

“Ahem…uh…Adam…?”

He looked up, real blank-like, and I could tell his mind was on what he was readin’ and not on me. So I shuffled my feet a bit, and asked him if’n he wouldn’t come outside so’s I could talk to him. I had his full attention, then, and he looked real concerned. One thing I can say about Adam is that, if you can drag his mind away from his poetry-readin’, he’s willin’ to do anything for you, specially if you’re upset about somethin’. So he put his book back on the shelf and came outside with me.

“What’s the matter, Hoss?” he asked me, real worried-like. “Are you okay?”

I shuffled my feet again, not wanting t’come out with it. I could tell, though, that the longer I held off talkin’, the more worried my brother became, so I figgered I’d best ask him straight out.

“Adam…” I asked. “Am I crazy?”

Adam kept lookin’ at me, at first still troubled, then, after a minute, you could see he was gettin’ annoyed. I’ve know him long enough t’know that he was thinkin’ something’ like: “Are you telling me that I stopped readin’ fer this?” So I up and started squirmin’.

Then he done answered kinda testy-like. “Of course you’re crazy, Hoss. You’ve been crazy ever since I’ve known you, and I’ve known you since you were about two minutes old.”

That’s Adam’s idea of funny, you understand, and it always ticks me off proper.

“Dang it, Adam,” I told him. “It ain’t funny. I think I’m seein’ things.”

Adam rolled his eyes. “You’ve been drinking, haven’t you?” he said, real accusatory.

“No, I ain’t!” I told him, stung. “I ain’t had a drop!”

Adam looked like he didn’t believe me none, but I’m bigger than what he is, so he knows not t’call me a liar. “Well,” he said, “what do you think you’ve been seeing?”

I shuffled around a bit more, ’til Adam told me that he weren’t in the mood fer a dance, and if he was I sure wouldn’t be the one he’d be askin’ no how, so would I mind very much spittin’ it out?

So I plunged in and said it. “Adam…do we have us a sister?”

Adam stared at me, with his eyes big as them dinner platters Hop Sing pulls out when we’re havin’ company fer supper.

“Hoss,” he told me slowly, “you know we don’t have any sisters.” He stared at me a mite longer. “What on earth made you ask that, anyway?”

I squirmed some more, and finally said it. “I was just in the Bucket of Blood and…”

“Aha!” Adam cut me off, which is kinda rude. “I knew it! You were drinking.”

“Now that ain’t fair, Adam,” I objected. “I admit I done stuck my nose in there, but when I saw…well, I lit right back out again. Honest!”

“Oh, all right. So what was so all-fired terrifying that you couldn’t hang around the saloon, and what does this have to do with our non-existent sisters?”

“Well, I seen they got this here new saloon gal and…well…I swear she looks a heap like…”

“Who?”

“Promise you won’t laugh…”

“I’m not promising anything of the sort!”

I glared at him, but he didn’t back down, so I just dropped my eyes, and admitted what I done seen. “That there girl sure looked a heap like Joe’s ma.”

“What?”

“Adam, you know Joe’s got a brother through his ma. You sure he ain’t got a sister, too?”

I probably should mention here, that me and Adam and Little Joe are all half-brothers. Same pa. Different mas. So even though I always called Joe’s ma, “Ma” on account of me being a little tyke when Pa married her, Adam was older, and never took to that, so he always called her Marie.

Adam sighed and pinched the bridge of his nose, which is a sure sign he’s holdin’ onto his temper fer all he’s worth.

“Hoss, if we have a long-lost sister, she wouldn’t be working at a saloon. Not if she knew what was good for her. Come on; let’s go have a look. I guarantee you that you just didn’t get a good view at her. You saw a passing resemblance to Marie, and just jumped to conclusions. Aren’t I always telling you that you need to think things through more logically?”

Well, he is always tellin’ me that, and I don’t appreciate it none, and I didn’t appreciate it this time neither, but I needed his help, even if he was bein’ kind of a pain. So I didn’t say nothin’. Even though I thought a lot.

So we headed back down the street ’til we was standin’ in front of the saloon. You could hear the piano music comin’ out, and it was dang near twilight outside, so the lights comin’ from inside seemed mighty invitin’. But after what I seen before, I wasn’t sure I wanted t’go back in. I mean, what if I weren’t imaginin’ things after all?

But my brother, seein’ as how he didn’t believe me no how, he didn’t have no problem enterin’. He just walked right through them swingin’ doors, pullin’ me after him.

I didn’t wanna go, but with Adam yankin’ on me, I didn’t have the guts t’stay outside. So in I went. I looked up, and sure enough, there she still was. Sittin’ at one of the tables where it looked like a red-hot poker game was goin’ on, and holdin’ a glass of whiskey in her hand. She was wearin’ this pink dress that was all spangly-like, and I swear on all that’s holy she done looked just like Ma.

I looked over at Adam t’see what he was thinkin’. He was starin’ right at her as well, and I heard him draw in a great big breath, just like he does when he’s about t’start singin’. His eyes were all big and shocked, so I knew he could see how much she looked like Ma, too, but then he went and opened his mouth. And when his voice came out it weren’t them nice musical tones we’s used to from him. Instead it was his very best, Pa-like yellin’ fit. And you won’t believe it, but this here is what he said:

“JOSEPH FRANCIS CARTWRIGHT, YOU GET OVER HERE RIGHT NOW!”

Well, I looked at that gal, and her green eyes had gotten all round and scared. And that’s when it dawned on me. That weren’t my sister. That was my brother!

So Joe let out this little squeak, and he made a quick dash fer the upstairs, but Adam was too quick for him. He grabbed Little Joe by the strap on that little party dress he was wearin’ and dragged him into a private room.

“What do you think you’re doing?” Adam yelled. And boy, when Adam gets mad, danged if he ain’t the spit of Pa.

“See, Adam, it’s like this…” Joe started, only he couldn’t say much, on account of Adam was shakin’ him ’til his teeth was chatterin’.

I pulled Adam off’a Joe, and Joe shrank into the corner. I wouldn’t let Adam near him on seein’ as how Adam looked like he was about to split Little Joe in two, but sure as shootin’ I wanted me an explanation, myself. And Joe must’a known I did, ’cause he took one look at me, and gave me this sorta sick smile and started explainin’.

“Well, it’s just that I ain’t been to town for two whole weeks, and I wanted some poker and a drink, only I knew that someone would mention to Pa they saw me here and he’d know I went and broke my restriction. So I figured if I was a new saloon gal, he wouldn’t find out. You two ain’t gonna tell on me, are you?”

“I ought to horsewhip you,” Adam snarled. “Go change into some proper clothes, and we’ll see if we can’t get you back to the ranch without anyone finding out.”

So Joe slunk off to change, and me and Adam just stared at each other, not believin’ what had just happened. I mean, our brother Joe done comes up with some strange ideas now and again, but that one done took all the prizes!

Then the strangest thing happened. Adam just up and started laughin’. And the longer he laughed, the harder he laughed. And after a minute, I started laughin’ too, and we both just laughed and laughed ’til we was bent over nearly double from not breathin’ and holdin’ on to each other to keep from fallin’ down.

Well, we got hold’a Joe double-quick, and smuggled him outta town and back to the ranch, and Pa never did find out what happened. But if’n you ever hear me or Adam callin’ Joe “Josephine”, well, now you know why that is.

END