Summary:  A story to raise your eyebrows and cause the casual observer to go ‘ahem’.

Rating:  MA  (5,360 words)

                 Secrets of the Heart

April 29^th

Dear Diary:

I met a most interesting man this afternoon while at the mercantile. I had gone over from my dreadful room here at Mrs. Dailey’s Boarding House to pick up some things. This trip from Baltimore has exhausted more than just me. Any way, while I was picking up some toilet water, I thought that I should see perhaps about a book to read. Well, I was checking out their scant offerings when I met him. He is very handsome, with long, elegant hands, black hair and the most expressive dark eyes. His voice is pleasant to listen to as well, a nice baritone. And educated back East, Harvard, I believe. We spoke briefly about some authors and writings we both liked. I was most surprised because he looked like one of those horrid cowboys Aunt Minerva told me about. “They are uncouth, poorly educated and will take every advantage they can with a young woman.” Well, Aunt Minerva, this Adam Cartwright is none of those things. I don’t think.

Anyway, we talked just a bit and then he tipped his hat, said that he would really like to talk some more but had to leave. And said “Good day.” And left.

I guess my face showed my disappointment as the clerk there, an ugly little pointed face man, laughed when he told me that I had just met “a very important man in this neck of the woods.” I just gave him my most withering look, paid for my toilet water and came back to my room. Then I remembered that I wanted something to read so I went back outside. That was when I saw him going by on an absolutely beautiful horse. He looked so dashing, his all black clothing and that gorgeous chestnut horse, just prancing away. I hope to see him again.

May 3^rd

Dear Diary:

I saw him again today while I was having lunch. I had just stopped in to actually just have a cup of coffee since my finances are running low, when he walked in alone. Once again I was struck by how his mannerisms aren’t at all what I expected a Westerner’s to be. When he saw me, he smiled just a little and I saw dimples. How cute. No, that is the wrong word to use for such a masculine beauty. But ‘beauty’ is the wrong word as well! Oh my, why do I get so flustered just trying to write about him? I hope that I didn’t come off that way when I spoke with him!

May 5^th

Dear Diary:

Well my first week in Virginia City is almost over. I have finally found work at one of the ladies’ shops, Mrs. Taylor’s Women’s Apparel. The pay isn’t that great but it is enough to keep body and soul together. I am wondering why I took the job since San Francisco was really to be my destination. But with you, diary, I can be honest. I wanted to be close enough to see Adam Cartwright. I have learned a few things about him. For instance: the clerk at the mercantile was right. The Cartwright name around here is a very prestigious one. Adam’s family owns and runs a huge cattle ranch called the Ponderosa that is near here. He is the oldest of three brothers and he helps his father run this ranch. He is not married and, from what I can gather, isn’t dating anyone at the present. That is a surprise. I would think that the girls around here would be falling over one another to get to him. And I was right. He was educated at Harvard. So maybe he thinks that the girls around here are beneath him? I certainly haven’t met anyone my age that has my degree of education. Oh but that does make me sound so superior, doesn’t it? Will have to try and curb that tendency.

May 6th

Dear Diary:

Have found out that there is to be a barn dance, whatever that is, next Saturday night and everyone is invited. I asked my employer, Mrs. Taylor, about what one wears to a ‘barn dance’ and she laughed at me and said if I had any thoughts about going at all, it had better be something ‘real purty’ to catch the eye of a Cartwright. I didn’t realize my thoughts and questions had been that transparent! I think I will attend and just wear one of my serviceable black skirts.

May 13^th

Dear Diary:

Well, Aunt Minerva would have never believed it all. The ‘barn dance’ this evening turned out to be quite an event. Everyone, it seems, attended. They had music, courtesy of several gentlemen playing the violin, or fiddle as they call it out here, one on a guitar and a fourth playing an accordion. I didn’t recognize any of the songs they played and certainly, it wasn’t ballroom dancing. I despaired of even trying to fit in and join the fun. That was when I saw him again, across the room. If I had thought him handsome before, I was wrong. There he stood, dark trousers, white shirt and tie, his lovely dark hair groomed to perfection and I nearly swooned when he smiled at me and raised his punch cup in my direction. My, my, my! I will admit only here that there were some very un-lady-like thoughts careening around in my head right about then. Then he came over and asked me to dance! I thought that I would die right there! I had to admit to him, be it shyly for Society’s sake, that I didn’t know how to dance to the music they were playing. Then to my surprise, they changed over into waltz music and I found that the handsome Adam Cartwright is well schooled in the art of dancing, too! And, to discuss the feel of his hands on me would just be too scandalous! But they did feel, to put it mildly, very, very, very welcome. We danced a number of dances together, him helping me with the unfamiliar ones. I think I must have stepped on his feet a lot but he just laughed and smiled that glorious smile of his. I like to hear him laugh.

Afterwards, he asked if he could walk me back to my room and I took a great leap of faith and allowed him. I was afraid that he would try something but then again, afraid that he wouldn’t. Am I making sense? I think not. Anyway, he was most gentlemanly, only taking my elbow to direct our stroll. At the door to Mrs. Dailey’s, he stopped, took off his hat, held it in his hands and asked if he could come calling on me next Saturday for a buggy ride and picnic. Needless to say I told him yes and saw his eyes light up with delight. And then, oh be still my heart, he leaned down and kissed my cheek, saying good night.

I think I am in love. Next Saturday can’t come too soon.

Journal entry for May 20:

Had a delightful buggy ride and picnic with a young lady new to the area from back east. Baltimore to be exact. Her name is Pamela. Met her at the mercantile while I was picking up the new books a couple of weeks ago. Saw her again at Reilly’s barn dance. She really is a nice girl, but very plain of features though. Good, may keep Joe away from her even though he isn’t back yet from Monterrey. She is too smart for him.

Anyway, Pamela is well read and we had a good time discussing our favorite authors.

Tomorrow, I will head out and see how work on the new mill is coming along.

Journal entry for May23:

Things are moving along well for a damp spring. Herd is doing well, Hoss moving them into the high country for summer grazing starting today. Pa leaving tomorrow morning for San Francisco and Joe isn’t back yet from Monterrey. Told Pa not to worry, as I know how to take care of myself when no one is around.

Caught myself thinking of Pamela today for no apparent reason what so ever. Wonder what she would look like with her hair down and such foolishness. Since I am taking Pa into town tomorrow to catch the stage maybe I will see her. Maybe.

Journal entry for May 24:

Got Pa off to SF this morning. Didn’t see Pamela in town. Wonder where she is? Why does she keep coming to mind? She is as distracting as Hell, something about those blue eyes of hers. Oh well, have to get up early tomorrow and get back to town. Forgot some supplies while I was in town that we need here. That bothered me that I forgot them since all I could think about while there was where was Pamela. Sounds like my little brother, doesn’t it?

Journal entry for May26:

By chance ran into Pamela yesterday morning while at the Post Office. She really has a lovely figure but the clothes she wears are all wrong for her. Now why did I write that? Adam Cartwight, your head is getting addled. Too much work and not enough relaxation time? Anyway, I invited her to come out to the Ponderosa for dinner Saturday evening to meet the family. Then I remembered that Pa and Hoss wouldn’t be back until some time next week. God, I hope Joe stays away another week or so. Just realized that tomorrow is Saturday! Will have to make sure Hop Sing can fix something up very special for our dinner.

Oh, got a new contract for another thousand board feet of lumber for the Lucky 4 Mine.

May 27^th:

Dear Diary,

I have taken the plunge. Adam has asked me to come out to his ranch this evening to meet his family. He will be sending someone in to pick me up. Not as romantic as I could have hoped for but no matter. I wonder what kind of meal I should expect. Jerky and cold coffee? That is always what Aunt Minerva used to say that cowboys ate. Funny, I don’t think of Adam as a cowboy. I am not sure just what I think of Adam as, except dark and dashing. Wonder if I should wear my hair down just this once or would that be too provocative? I know that Daniel liked my hair down but look at what he ended up doing to me? Oh how can I ever get over that feeling of being violated like that? Now my evening will be ruined and Adam will never know why. No, I will wear my hair up so as to not tempt the Fates again.

May 28^th

Dear Diary,

The dinner at the Ponderosa was not what I imagined at all^! Let me describe it, so that I can remember it later and relive every wonderful moment.

First he did have someone pick me up in a handsome carriage drawn by two of the flashiest black steeds I have ever seen. The ride out to the Ponderosa was through some of the most beautiful country I have be in since I came West and it took an hour or so to make the trip. When I asked the driver when we would be on the Ponderosa, he told me that we had since just about the time we left Virginia City. That means that all that land belongs to Adam! And the house, well the house is something else! It is obviously a man’s home but so well appointed! He met me when we pulled into the yard. Oh what a lovely smile he has.

To my surprise, we dined alone. I was a bit worried, thinking that perhaps he was going to take advantage of me but he didn’t. He is a true gentleman, Diary. He told me all about his family and admitted that when he had made the invitation for me to come to dinner that he had completely forgotten that only he was home. Except for the cook, an oriental by the name of Hop Sing, who served us a most sumptuous meal in grand style: candlelight, wine, everything you could imagine in a romantic meal

I watched Adam carefully as he spoke of his family and life out here in the wild west. His eyes are so expressive! And just to listen to his voice. Well, there I go again, thinking very naughty thoughts. I even caught myself staring at his chest, so muscular I know from feeling it when we danced just a bit too close at the barn dance. And his hands. So strong looking yet so elegant in their motions. I even dared myself and watched his hips when he walked away from me to get more wine as we sat before the huge fireplace in the main room. It was a good thing he couldn’t read my mind right then or I would have been completely scandalized by my wanton thoughts.

After we had had dinner and then sat by the fire a bit, he suggested that we go for a moonlight drive. That wasn’t what I had in mind, shame on me. But I found it to be an excellent idea. As he drove the team with only one hand, he put his arm over my shoulders. I couldn’t help myself, I swear. It just felt so good to lean into him, feeling the warmth there, the scent of him, the moonlight casting shadows across his face, softening the lines, making his eyes shine in the night. We stopped down by the lake they call Tahoe and just sat for a bit, not speaking, just watching.

All right, I will admit that I could have stopped him but I didn’t want to. When he kissed me with those sensual lips of his, I just melted into his embrace. Oh, to be held in those strong arms of his is so delightful. And to feel his hands caressing my neck and shoulders send shivers through to my soul. Thoughts of Daniel’s cruel embraces flew from me and now I know what real passion can feel like. Not that we were intimate! No, he is proper even though I would have lain with him there in grass. Oh God forgive me for these scandalous thoughts.

Journal entry for May 28:

Dinner last night was a disaster. For some reason I had to keep myself under tight control all evening. I made the mistake of taking her out by the Lake. She was so lovely in the moonlight that I couldn’t help myself. Pamela is, well, let me phrase it this way, she sure can kiss. Only problem was I wanted to go further and I can’t see a proper woman like her having relations anywhere but in a bed. I wonder if she will go out with me again after I behaved so poorly last night?

Will have to pick up Pa from the stage on Wednesday afternoon. Maybe I can convince Pamela to have lunch with me Wednesday? Pamela, what have you done to me?

May 31^st

Dear Diary:

Adam stopped by work this morning with a bouquet of flowers and asked me to have lunch with him at the International House. Mrs. Taylor said that it was okay so I took off early for lunch. Two things surprised me. First that he came by at all after the way I had acted the other night, so unlady-like. And secondly, that as we walked down towards the International, he took my hand and tucked it under his arm. I felt much like a queen being escorted by a knight into a banquet hall. We talked about a lot of little things, the weather and the like as we walked. My heart was beating a million miles a minute I was so excited! I am sure he felt it to since he kept smiling down at me.

When he seated me at the table in the dining room, I felt people watching me as though I had done something wrong. Had they read my thoughts? That I would have rather gotten a room in the Hotel!

I wondered where his thoughts lay on the subject so during our lunch, I did a very naughty thing. Under the table, beneath the long tablecloth, I let my foot rub up against his calf. All the way up to his knee! I am not sure but I think I heard him moan so I stopped. Maybe he just doesn’t…you know. Somehow or another, I am sure he is “experienced” shall I say but I think he is holding back. Doesn’t he find me attractive? I know that I am no great beauty but still, I thought that there was a little bit of attraction! I have become such a wanton and lewd woman that he doesn’t want me.

Journal entry for June 1:

Managed to get Pa home after having lunch with Pamela. It was a good thing that the stage was late since I lost track of time completely while sitting there with her. I am not sure but I think that it was an accident that her foot was rubbing my leg while we were eating. Had a hard time controlling myself. She makes me want to take her somewhere and…oh, no, I can’t even imagine her allowing that sort of thing to happen. She is such a lady, in every sense of the word.

June 5^th

Dear Diary,

Well, I did a dumb thing today. I sent a message out to Adam, inviting him to have dinner with me. I doubt that he will answer me, much less go out with me again since I behaved so badly the other day at lunch. When will I learn to curb these wild passions that have enveloped me since I first met him?

June 7th

Dear Diary:

I can’t believe it! Adam has sent me a note. He said that instead of dinner he would like to take me on a picnic, up to the Lake on Saturday. Could I ride horseback or should he bring the surrey? Well, you know about how long I thought about my answer! Bring the surrey, please, Adam, and I will make sure we have a blanket to spread on the ground. Hurray, Saturday.

Journal entry for June 9:

Hoss home from taking the cattle to the high country pastures. Good to see him home but for once in my life, I would rather have our youngest member in house. Joe would tease me unmercifully but I would have asked him about what to do about Pamela. Not directly, of course, and with no names attached. But I am sure he would give me good advice on how to deal with her, since everything I have been doing lately is wrong. And if Pa had a least little inkling, well, I am sure he would give me his best fatherly lecture on the birds and the bees and premarital sex. I don’t need the lecture.

June 11^th

Dear Diary:

It is well passed midnight as I sit to write this but I must get it all on paper before I lay down to rest. As if I thought I could sleep after today.

 We started out sitting down by the lakeside. The view there is comparable to nothing I know of. And of course Adam didn’t look too bad either. He caught me watching him and it made me blush because I was staring intently at that little triangle of chest and hair where his shirt wasn’t buttoned at his throat. Well, the thoughts I was having weren’t too terribly ladylike since I was actually wondering how far that silky black mat went down. I was envisioning myself running my hands across his naked chest and what it would feel like. I must have turned crimson, especially when he laughed at me! Then he told me that he liked that shade of red on my cheeks and I laughed. All of a sudden, he was kissing me! And not the gentle little lip caresses of before. No, there was hunger there and I gladly fed that hunger even though it left me breathless.

When we broke from that kiss, my hair had started to come loose from its pins. Adam did the most amazing thing! He took my hair down the rest of the way, combing it out with his fingers. Then he pulled a small handful to his lips and kissed it, all the while watching me! Never in my life have I had someone do that. I found it most erotic. Oh my I didn’t know that I knew the meaning of that word but now I think I do since that one small act made me ache for his more intimate touch. Well, the look on my face must have told him how terrible a person I am because suddenly he decided it was time to be getting me back to town and he hurried to pack things up. I couldn’t help but notice that what I had done had aroused him as well. Oh! how shameless I am! Here he was being such a gentleman and control himself, and I am thinking how wonderful it might be to make love right there.

Now I will never know since I must have repulsed him with my lasciviousness

Journal entry for June 12^th:

Spent most of today going over the books with Pa and discussing what we need to do this summer. I have figured out a way to get the entire fence line along the Washoe Road repaired but it is going to take some doing.

While I was discussing the schedule for the upcoming week with Pa, I kept running through my head that I wanted time off to be with Pamela and wondered how I could accomplish this little task without arousing suspicions….Ha, that’s funny since yesterday was definitely an “arousing” one for me while we were out at the lake. Have never met someone who could do that to me as quickly as she can. Just the feel of her near me yesterday was enough. Forget about when I got my fingers tangled in her hair. My God but it is the silkiest thing I have ever felt and once it all came down, was like a tawny cape down her back and over those perfect shoulders of hers. The more I look at her, the more enticing she becomes and when she laughs, her whole face lights up. I had thought that she was plain looking, but not now.

How can I convey to her just how much I want her without making her run from me?

Got a telegram today from Joe. Said he would be home the middle of the week. Told Pa I will pick him up in town. Twofold purpose: One-I don’t want him catching sight of Pamela, the lady vulture he is. And two- I want to talk to him about how he manages to get the reluctant ones. Oh God, he would die laughing if he ever read this admission.

Journal entry for June 15^th:

I was right. The little buzzard laughed. So hard he damn near fell off the wagon seat. Even after he had calmed down some, when I looked at him, it sent him off into more gales of laughter. Then I wanted to push him off the wagon seat! When he was finished laughing, he had the nerve to sit there and ask me if I ever told her. Said that maybe she wanted me to…never mind. Pamela isn’t like that and when I told Joe that, he just rolled his eyes and started laughing again. Then I did push him off and he just laid there in the dirt, holding his sides, laughing. I made him walk the rest of the way home.

Will talk with Pamela when I see her at the dance on Saturday.

June 18^th

Dear Diary:

This evening I went to the dance held down at the Grange Hall with Adam. I took special care with my appearances tonight, just for him. I brushed my hair until it shone and just let it hang free, not putting it up. I wore my new party dress, it is just the right shade of blue to match my eyes and is cut low enough in the front to see…well, to let him…to give him the idea..Oh here I am tongue tied again. Well, suffice it to say that as we danced, he spent a lot of time looking down! And I don’t think it was at my face.

We had danced a couple of dances and Adam had gone to get us some punch while I waited by the door, catching the night breeze to cool me down. A young man stepped over to me and asked my name and when I told him, he smiled, shook his head and walked away. Most curious as I have no idea who he is but when he walked past Adam, he patted Adam’s shoulder and I could hear him laughing. I think I should ask Adam at some point in time who he was, impertinent little whelp.

Adam became most bold this evening, taking me outside later in the evening. He and I went for a walk and when we found ourselves alone, he kissed me most deeply. And when he brought his hands up and brushed them across my bodice, it was as if wildfire was burning within me. I pressed myself to him and felt his heart beating wildly as well. There was nothing else that I wanted at that moment than to rip my clothes off and bare myself totally to his touch, his lips, all of him.

He surprised me! He stopped kissing my lips and went to the tops of my breasts, just barely touching them with his tongue. I must have moaned with my delight for it urged him on and I found myself in utter bliss, thinking that perhaps he was finally going to fulfill my desires for him completely. But alas, he did not. But as I stood panting my desires nearly aloud within the circle of his strong arms, he moved back and away from me just that most intimate of measure and I could no longer feel his urgency upon my body. I then did a most shameful thing; I pressed myself onto his body. I let my hand roam freely across him intimately, and although I could not feel his actual flesh, I could feel the heat rising from him. Oh how overpowering was just the feel of him! Moreover, he could not speak, just moan lowly, as I must have done.

Just when I thought that I would burst from desire, he whispered “Not no., Not here. Tomorrow night. I’ll take us…somewhere.”

Now I am all a quiver with anticipation. Tomorrow night, somewhere.

Journal entry for June 18

What in the name of all that is Right am I doing? This evening I just about took Pamela, a woman I have known less than two months, I was just about to take her for the physical, animal release. No intention of marrying her, just for the passion, the sex. I was horrible to her. As I caressed her, I was more concerned with how she was making me feel than the other way around. She must think I am just after her for sex but it isn’t so. She has such fire. It was all I could tonight do to pull back from her. Does she want me as badly as I want her?

Tomorrow night will tell.

Oh God, I hope so.

June 20^th

Dear Diary:

Never in my life have I felt the way nor behaved the way I did the other evening when Adam took me to that little cabin. He had thought of everything; he had a fire going in the fireplace and the bed was made up just so. And he even had us dinner, cold chicken, hard bread and wine. I was half-afraid that he would back out that I was trembling with anticipation when he picked me up. I told him so, too. He laughed at me, which made me blush so. Anyway, he took me to this delightful little cabin that overlooked a stream and a little meadow. It was like walking into our own little Paradise, it was so comfortable feeling.

Once I walked in, I could feel him behind me and when he put his hands on my shoulders and turned me around to meet his eyes…oh I can’t describe the hunger I saw there and know he saw the same in me.

There in the thin lamplight, I let him undress me, making him go slowly even though I wanted him hurry. I could see that he was enjoying it as well. “Like unwrapping a pretty present” he called it. And that is what I felt like, a pretty present just for him. I know that he liked what he saw when he pushed my chemise aside and my impertinent nipples were giving me away as well! But oddly enough, I felt no shame standing before him and allowing him to see me like that. Instead I felt very proud that I could capture his attention so completely…. He gathered me into his arms and carried me to the bed and laid me there while I watched in fascination as he disrobed, taunting me now.

My curiosity from just the other week was satisfied when he pulled off his shirt. I can still feel that silky black chest hair on my palms and how it felt when I reached out to touch him and felt it brush my skin for the first time.

I know that he thought I was afraid when I saw the size of his manhood but I was actually in awe of it..so erect and attentive, seeking me, me!, out. But Adam was most considerate as he eased down onto the bed and into me.

Journal entry for June 20:

Whatever Pamela has got that makes me want her should be bottled and sold. I lost myself completely the other night. It was like I was some adolescent boy, seeing his first woman. I couldn’t take my eyes from her pale flesh, couldn’t keep my hands from roaming over her while I kissed her. When she started running her hands over me, I swear I heard her purr like a cat. I touched her the same as I have many other women in the past but this was different. At first as I caressed her I was more concerned with my impending release than the pleasure I was able to give her. But there was one word I heard her whisper that made me strive to control myself and concentrate on her pleasure. As I looked down into her eyes, now half closed in passion, I heard her say it again: “Harder”. I was only mildly surprised to hear her. Pamela has a fire unlike I have ever known in a woman and I could tell from the way she was moaning and writhing beneath me on the bed that she wanted me every bit as badly as I wanted her. And has since we first met.

June 22^nd

Dear Diary,

My thoughts have been all in turmoil since my passionate tryst with Adam the other evening. You see, I have finally met the young man who approached me at the Grange Hall dance. Seems he is Adam’s brother Joseph and he has the most mischievous grin and twinkle to his eye when he speaks to me. It is almost like he knows………..

the (pant,pant) end