Memories of Love #6 – To Rage in Heaven (by Diana G)

Summary:  Adam has to return to his wife with a secret that may destroy their marriage. How will Becky react when he tells her?

Rating  T  (36,900 words)

Memories of Love Series:

Memories of Love
The Future of Love
Love’s Rewards
A Time to Heal
The Unlooked for Saviour
To Rage in Heaven

 

To Rage In Heaven

Chapter One

The dark shape of a man lay stretched out, face down on the ground, in the shadows cast by the trees surrounding the small pasture. The sweat that covered his face trickled down the long blades of grass that concealed his identity from the world. With agonising slowness, he moved his right arm until it was under his body and the fingers of his hand dug into the soft earth, trying to find the strength to rise. He managed to push his shoulders up but any further movement was beyond him, and he collapsed back onto the ground, letting out a long sigh as consciousness left him.

**********

The afternoon sun was warm, and after a hard day’s work Valerie Mackinnon was enjoying wandering among the scattered trees in the lonely pasture behind her small cabin. The sun shone off her fair hair and the long grass pulled at the hem of her grey wool skirt. She hummed a tune to herself as she went, she was proud of her voice and broke into song, hearing the pure, clear sound being reflected back from the nearby hills surrounding her home. Valerie had decided that the rabbit stew she was planning for her supper was going to be in need of something extra, so she wandered, looking for mushrooms and wild onions

Suddenly she stopped singing, as she saw the unmistakeable outline of a man lying on the ground at the edge of the wood that enclosed the meadow. She paused, not certain that she should venture closer. She approached slowly, wondering if the man was dead, or if whatever had caused him to drop, apparently lifeless, might be infectious.

Valerie was cautious. As a woman who lived alone, she had learned through bitter experience to trust no one, especially no man. She turned away from him, and took two steps before she stopped, undecided. But then she turned back; he was helpless and alone.

She watched him as he lay on his stomach, his face buried in the grass. She heard his ragged breathing that told her he was alive, and she knelt and gently turned him over. His eyes were closed and he showed no awareness of her presence. She studied the figure as he lay there, taking in the slightly greying black hair and handsome features of a man probably in his early forties. He was dressed all in black and she recoiled from him, even unconscious he gave the impression of strength, and for a moment, she wondered if he might be a threat to her. Then she put out her hand to touch him, trying to rouse him. As her hand moved from his body to his face, she felt the heat of a high fever. He stirred at her touch, and as his eyelids fluttered open, she saw brown pools of distress looking up at her. She made her decision instantly.

“Can you stand?” she asked.

For a moment, the man did not answer, then he nodded slowly and rolled over onto his side, using one hand to push himself to his knees. But when he tried to stand, his legs gave way and he fell to the ground, lying on his back moaning quietly.

“Come on, I’ll help you. My house is not far.” She put her hands under his shoulders and helped him to his feet. She was only a few inches shorter than the man and she pulled his arm round her shoulder, putting her arm round his waist to support him. Her hand felt the firm muscles under his shirt, muscles of a man used to physical exercise, and where their bodies touched, she could feel the sweat forced out of him by the fever. He swayed and threatened to fall again, but she held him until he was steadier, and then led him slowly across the meadow.

“My…my horse,” he gasped, pointing back the way they had come.

“Don’t worry about that for the moment, I’ll go and find him later. We have to get you to bed first.” She half carried him into the house. Years of homesteading, first with her husband and then alone, had given her a strength belied by her trim figure.

She took him into her bedroom and as she released her hold, he collapsed onto the bed, sighing deeply as he closed his eyes once again. Valerie took off his shirt, and saw a blood stained bandage covering his left forearm, from just below the elbow almost to his wrist. She continued to undress him and got him under the sheets, then covered him with a blanket, and went back out to the only other room in the small, neat cabin, to draw water from the pump in the corner that served as her kitchen. She found some clean strips of cloth, returned to the bedroom, and bathed his face and body with the cold water. The man did not stir, but his breathing became more even, and deeper. When she removed the bandage from his arm, she saw the unmistakeable signs of infection in what appeared to be a deep knife wound, running half the length of his powerful forearm.

Valerie went to the cupboard under the washstand in the kitchen and returned with a small jar containing a salve of witch hazel and wild grape root. She used her fingers to carefully smooth the ointment over the wound, and then she re-bandaged the arm. The man stirred and muttered unintelligibly in his sleep as she touched him. Valerie sat for a few minutes studying him, then she rose and went in search of his horse.

As she walked back across the meadow, Valerie picked up the man’s black hat, and when she straightened, she saw movement in the woods. She went towards it and found the animal, a tall bay, grazing among the trees not far from where the man had been lying. The horse shied when he saw her approach, but Valerie spoke softly to him, advancing slowly. She held out her hand to grasp the reins, and led the horse to the barn, where she unsaddled and fed him before going back to the cabin. She returned to the bedroom to look at the man, wondering where he had come from. By the quality of his clothes and the equipment on his horse, he was a man of means. The tooled leather saddle alone would have cost more than she would make in six months of homesteading.

Suddenly curiosity overcame her. She went out to the barn, retrieved his saddlebags, and brought them into the house. She searched through them, telling herself that she just wanted to find out who he was, but in truth, she wanted to know more than that, to know what kind of man she had taken into her home. She found spare shirts and pants, shaving gear and, as she delved deeper, two letters, both addressed to ‘Adam Cartwright, c/o Ponderosa Ranch, Virginia City, Nevada Territory’.

“Well,” she said to herself, “you’ve wandered a long way from home.” Virginia City was at least fifty miles away, but Valerie had heard of the Ponderosa. She had once met a man who had worked there, and he had told her about the huge ranch and the family that owned it, but she couldn’t for the moment remember their name. Was this one of them, or just one of their hands? Then she remembered the saddle, and thought that Adam Cartwright must indeed be one of that family.

**********

Valerie sat in a high backed chair by the window in the bedroom, the last of the day’s light illuminating the material on which she was working. She was busy stitching a blouse, but her eyes strayed occasionally to the mysterious, but not now anonymous, man who had been lying in her bed for a day. At first he had muttered incomprehensively, now his head turned restlessly on the pillows, but he made no sound. Not for the first time, she stood and went to the side of the bed, looking down at him. Her eyes wandered from the soft dark hair covering his chest, past the strong chin and sensuously curved mouth, to the high cheekbones and the long, dark eyebrows. She remembered the brown eyes looking at her, and was glad they were hidden behind closed lids and could not see her observation of him. She shivered as she imagined him on his feet, holding her. Valerie shook herself and went back to her needlework, trying to take her mind off the feelings that had stirred within her.

As the light faded, she lit the single lamp in the room, which stood on the table beside her, and went back to her sewing, occasionally rising to check on her patient and bathe the sweat from his face and chest, until finally she thought that he felt less hot, and his restless movements had ceased.

Adam realised that he was lying on something soft. The last memory he had was of falling from Fiddler, but he knew he wasn’t lying on the ground, no grass was this yielding. He felt drained, all his energy seemed to have left him. Then curiosity got the better of his weariness and he forced his eyes open. He started to take in the room, it’s walls bare except for a picture of yellow flowers, but he stopped as he saw a plain wooden dresser topped by an ornate, wood framed mirror. In the reflection, he could see the figure of a woman, seated beside a window. He turned his head to look at the opposite side of the room, where he saw the woman absorbed by the needlework in her hands. He swallowed twice, trying to find his voice.

“Hello,” he whispered.

The woman was startled and dropped her sewing. She retrieved it from the floor, folded it neatly and put it on the table. Before she spoke, she straightened the covers and sat down on the bed.

“Well, hello.” She smiled at the confused look she received.

Adam didn’t recognise the woman. He saw that she was probably near forty, her flaxen blonde hair tied back away from her plain face, which was dominated by deep blue eyes. Adam noticed that, behind the smile she wore, her face carried the evidence of a hard life. The thin curve of her mouth was edged with fine lines, as were her eyes. He took in those signs of the struggle to survive, and he reassessed her age to somewhere nearer thirty. He felt a pang of guilt. Here was a woman whose daily existence was a challenge, yet she was caring for him, a stranger. Again, he searched his memory but the face was unfamiliar, certainly no one he had seen around Virginia City. Then he remembered that he was a long way from home. He had been headed there on his way back from a series of meetings, but still had many miles to go.

“How are you feeling?” she asked.

“Tired,” he replied truthfully, covering his eyes with his hand.

She rose to her feet, tucking in the blankets and straightening the bed again. “Well now, you just lie there and you’ll soon get your strength back. It may take a few days, but you’ll soon feel better.”

“Thank you.” He paused, but before he could speak again, she answered his unasked question.

“My name is Valerie Mackinnon. I found you out in the meadow yesterday; I think you must have fallen from your horse. Don’t worry he’s in the barn, fed and watered,” she assured him.

“Adam Cartwright.” Adam said raising his hand a little way off the bed for her to shake. She held it for a moment, feeling the slight tremor of weakness that ran through him. As she made contact with him, a similar tremor ran through her, but for a very different reason.

“Yes, I know,” she said, “I have to confess that I went through your saddle bags, to find out just who it was I had rescued.” He smiled at her, showing her that he understood, and she noticed that the smile softened his eyes. “Now you rest, while I go and make you something to eat.” She patted his hand, comfortingly.

“I’m not very hungry.” His voice was faint and he felt himself slipping into sleep.

“You must eat if you’re going to regain your strength, I’ll make something and we’ll see if you can’t manage just a little.” She smiled gently as she saw his eyes close.

The following morning Adam woke early. He tried to sit up but his head swam, and he lay back against the pillows waiting for the world to right itself. He felt weak, but otherwise much improved on how he had been when he fell from Fiddler. He could hear the woman, Valerie, he remembered, moving about in the other room. He lay, looking out of the window, the pale blue curtains were drawn back, and he could see trees, with a backdrop of green hills.

He remained motionless for a long time, trying to remember the events that had brought him here. When he raised his left arm and saw the bandaging, his mouth set firm as he thought of the fight in the saloon. He had tried to walk away from it, but the drunken cowhand wasn’t going to let the imagined slight be dealt with so easily. Fortunately, the sheriff had intervened, and on evidence from bystanders, had dragged the cowhand off to jail. Adam had refused to press charges, but he had asked the sheriff to hold the man long enough to allow him to visit the doctor and then leave town. Adam had no desire to become delayed by a small town argument; he only wanted to get home to his wife and children. He had been gone nearly a month, the longest time that he had ever been away from them, and was missing them desperately. Becky, his wife, was strong, independent and intelligent. She could so easily have become hardened by the early death of her first husband, but instead it had brought out her adventurous spirit, which had taken her west and into his life. She was Adam’s equal in every way, and he loved her passionately.

He turned his head as Valerie came into the room. She had a tray in her hands, which she placed on the bed. Adam slowly pushed himself up with his right hand, and felt his stomach churn at the smell of the food, a plate of scrambled eggs and biscuits. He had not been able to eat anything the night before, his mouth refusing to take in the food that his brain told him he needed. Then he smelled the coffee, and reached out to pick up the small china cup filled with dark brown liquid. As he lifted it to his lips, his hand shook and he spilled some of the drink on the covers. Valerie came quickly to his aid. She sat on the bed and took the cup from him, then held it so that he could drink. The coffee was strong and tasted bitter, but Adam assumed that was because she couldn’t afford the fine coffee that he was used to.

“Thanks,” he said.

She put down the cup and forked a little of the eggs towards him.

“I don’t think I can.” He shook his head.

“Nonsense, if I have to I will force feed you, so you’d better try a bit harder. I can be very forceful if I have to.” She put a hand firmly in the middle of his chest, feeling the soft hair against her skin, and moved the fork towards him. Adam knew a losing battle when he saw one, and accepted the mouthful. The eggs were really very good, but he took a long time swallowing. She let him have a sip of coffee, then prepared another morsel for him. He thought about refusing, but when he saw the look on her face, he accepted that as well. He turned his head away as she tried to get him to eat more.

“That’s enough,” he insisted. He could feel his stomach rebel at even the little that he had been able to eat. Valerie gave up and let Adam drink the rest of the coffee.

“You can’t survive on coffee alone,” she insisted.

“It’ll do for now, I’m sorry,” he said, as he lay back exhausted.

“All right. You rest and we’ll try again later.”

Adam eased himself back down under the covers and shut his eyes. The next thing he knew was Valerie standing over him with a cup in her hands. He eyed it suspiciously.

“It’s all right, it’s only coffee. If that’s all you want then that’s what I’ll give you. But only on condition that you try to eat some supper later.”

“I’ll try, but I make no promises.” Adam smiled up at her as she held the cup out for him to take. When he reached for it, she saw that his hand still shook. She pushed the hand aside and sat down, so that she could let him drink from the cup as she held it.

She nodded towards his bandaged arm. “What happened?” she asked.

“Got into a fight in a saloon,” he said slowly. “This cowhand thought that I was trying to take his girl, and wouldn’t accept it when I tried to tell him that I was only there for a quiet drink, and the girl had approached me, not the other way round. It was fortunate that he was only carrying a knife, not a gun.”

“Why didn’t you stop sooner, you must have realised that you weren’t well?”

Adam considered his motives in pushing on. “I have been away from home for some weeks and wanted to get back. I knew that there was a town up ahead, and thought that I could find a doctor there who would be able to take care of my arm, and let me keep going.”

“We have no doctor in town, so that wouldn’t have done you any good. We have to learn to take care of ourselves out here. We only have the occasional quacksalver peddling his remedies.”

Adam thought of Paul Martin, the Virginia City doctor, realising how lucky they were to have a skilled physician so close.

Valerie continued. “We have to concoct our own remedies, if you know where to look, the countryside is full of cures. I put on your arm a salve that I make myself, which should help. And that reminds me, I should take another look at it.” Valerie pulled his arm towards her and started to undo the bandage. Adam gritted his teeth against the pain of her ministrations. She saw sweat form on his brow, but continued to uncover the wound. When he looked down, Adam could see that his arm was red and swollen round the long, straight gash that was oozing blood along its length.

“I’ll have to clean it again, the infection is still there.” Valerie brought in some water and the salve, washing the cut before again covering it with ointment and re-bandaging it. By the time she had finished, Adam was lying back on the pillows, his breath coming in short, uneven gasps, as sweat trickled down into his eyes. She bathed his face and he smiled gratefully at her, then closed his eyes. When he tried to open them again he found that his eyelids were too heavy to move, so didn’t bother. He could feel her hand gently brushing over his hair as she sang softly, helping him to relax. Once she was sure that he was asleep, Valerie reached out and ran her fingers over his face and down his neck, stopping at the small hollow at the base of his throat, where the sweat had gathered in a thin film. She raised her fingers to her mouth, tasted the salty dampness, and her heart beat faster.

In his dreams, Adam saw Marie, the late mother of his youngest brother, Joe, sitting beside him, as she had when he was ill. He felt a pleasing warmth spread through him as he imagined her caring for him. There was nothing more soothing then a mother’s touch, and Adam felt his strength slowly returning as she caressed him. He opened his eyes expecting to see Marie, but it was Valerie standing looking down at him.

“Well, it’s about time you woke up. You missed supper, but I’ve made you some broth, perhaps you can manage a little of that,” she said turning away.

“Mrs. Mackinnon…”

She interrupted him. “Valerie, please.”

Adam nodded. “Valerie. You know I’m grateful for all you’ve done.” Adam paused, he had dreamt that he was getting stronger but it seemed that had only been an illusion after all, even talking seemed to leave him drained. “I won’t be troubling you much longer.”

“Don’t be silly. You’re not going anywhere for a while. I live a very lonely life out here on my own. It’s a refreshing change to have a man to care for again.” She smiled at him as she left the room. She returned after a few minutes with a cup of beef broth. The smell left Adam’s stomach churning, but since she had made it, he thought that he ought at least to try to drink some of it. She didn’t hand him the cup, but used a spoon to give him small sips of the strong, meat flavoured drink. He managed to take about half of the cup before refusing any more.

“That’s better. You’ll soon be well if you go on like that.” She spoke as if to a child, and Adam remembered his dream of Marie, and the comfort it had brought him. “Now,” Valerie continued, “I suppose you would like some coffee?” Adam simply nodded and Valerie helped him to drink the bitter liquid, which should have tasted unpleasant, but he found it soothing.

Adam slept soundly that night. When morning came, he realised that the familiar throbbing in his arm was absent and he was feeling better, but as he sat up he had trouble focusing his eyes. When Valerie brought his breakfast, he still had no appetite and felt tired. She didn’t try to make him eat, but offered him some coffee. His hand was steady as he took it from her, but the cup seemed heavy, and between sips he rested it on his stomach. Valerie noticed, but said nothing.

Adam spoke slowly, the effort of framing the words evident on his face. “Valerie, you must let me pay you for looking after me.” She started to protest, and he held up a heavy hand to silence her. “I know what life is like when you have a homestead to run. You can’t pretend that it is any more than a hand to mouth existence. You’ve fed me and looked after me, and I would like to repay you.”

“Adam, you really don’t have to. Like I said, it’s good to have company.”

“My company’s not been that good,” said Adam, thinking that he had slept most of the time.

She patted his arm. “No, maybe not yet, but as you get better I’m sure you’ll make up for it.”

“I don’t feel strong enough to argue with you now, but when I am, I won’t take ‘no’ for an answer,” he assured her.

Valerie laughed. “We’ll see about that, it could be an interesting contest. Now go to sleep.”

Adam didn’t need her encouragement to shut his eyes and drift off. She stood looking down at him and when she saw that he was breathing deeply, she ran her fingers lightly over his face, feeling a shiver go through her as she did so. In his sleep, Adam smiled.

He woke slowly and lay still, thinking that he should soon be on his way home, but as he eased himself up the bed, the room started spinning. He knew that he must try to eat, but the very thought of food set his stomach turning. He could feel how lack of sustenance was affecting him, he was having trouble concentrating for more than a few seconds, and his mind wandered easily, conjuring up images of Becky, and home

At lunchtime, Valerie brought him more of the broth, of which he managed a few mouthfuls, and some coffee. She was pleased to see that the colour was returning to his cheeks beneath the stubble of a four-day growth of beard.

The same thought occurred to both of them at the same time.

“When you were going through my saddle bags did you find my shaving kit?” he asked.

“I was about to ask you if you would like me to give you a shave,” she laughed.

“Well, I would like a shave, but I think I can do it for myself,” he assured her.

“Let’s just see how you get on. If you can’t manage, I can do it for you. I used to give my husband a shave when he was ill.” Valerie suddenly looked sad as she remembered.

“What happened to him?”

“He died,” she said simply. Adam raised his eyebrows at her and she continued. “There was an epidemic of scarlet fever in town. He wasn’t a strong man anyway, and he couldn’t fight it off. I had it as a child so I was immune, but it carried off a lot of those in town as well.”

“I’m sorry.”

“It’s all right, it was three years ago now. I’ve got used to managing on my own since then.”

“Why don’t you move into town? Surely, life would be easier for you there,” Adam suggested.

“No, this is my home, I’m going to stay here and try to make something of this place. It was a dream that Ben and I had.”

When Adam smiled at the name, Valerie looked enquiringly at him.

“My father’s name is Ben,” Adam explained.

“Oh, I see. Have you any other family?”

“Yes, I have two younger brothers, and a wife and three children.” Adam went on to tell her about his home. “That’s why I was anxious to get back, I’ve been away too long already.” Adam thought that Valerie’s eyes took on a strange look, one of regret, but put it down to her own lack of family.

She seemed to shake herself. “How about that shave then,” she said and disappeared into the kitchen, returning shortly with hot water, soap, towels and his razor. Adam sat up straighter, feeling the familiar dizziness to which he was becoming accustomed. Valerie put the bowl of water on his lap and handed him the razor. She held the mirror for him as he shaved, but after he had cut himself for the second time, she gently but firmly took the sharp blade from him and finished the job. The exertion involved in getting rid of his beard had left Adam exhausted, and he shook his head wondering at his feebleness. His arm was feeling better and he thought that he should be well on the way to recovery, but he was just as tired now as when he had first woken up in the unfamiliar surroundings. Valerie cleared away the shaving gear, then told Adam that she was going to take another look at his arm. He gritted his teeth waiting for the pain, but felt only a slight discomfort as she used the salve and bandaged it again. He was amazed at the improvement and determined to ask her for some of the medication. Paul would be interested, and perhaps Valerie could make extra money selling it to him.

Valerie told him to lie down and rest until supper. Adam was glad to obey and closed his eyes, drifting into a fitful sleep.

This time his dreams were not comforting, he saw himself getting weaker until he did not have the strength to get home. He saw Becky, but she was far off, out of reach, and he cried out as he realised that he could not touch her. Then he saw his father and brothers standing close beside him. He tried to embrace his father, but when he put his arms round the older man’s shoulders, they held only empty space. He heard himself whimper and tears started in his eyes with frustration, then he felt strong arms encircle him and thought that his father had hold of him. He opened his eyes and realised that he was, indeed, in an embrace, but it was Valerie who had him in her arms, whispering soothing words in his ear. He pushed away from her and turned his head, as he lifted a heavy hand to brush away his tears.

“Adam? What is it, why are you upset?” she asked softly, trying to comfort him.

“Nothing, just a dream. I’m sorry.”

“Don’t be sorry. I’ll get your supper.”

Adam was startled to realise that it was so late. He seemed to do nothing but sleep. He managed a few mouthfuls, but still had no appetite. When he had finished, Valerie brought him some more coffee.

“This one has a little something extra in it. I thought it might help,” she said, offering him a larger cup than before.

He sipped it, tasting the unmistakeable flavour of whiskey over the bitterness. He smiled. “Thanks, it tastes good.” He drained the cup, and as he handed it back to her, she offered him another, which he accepted. He had drunk only half of it when he began to feel light headed, and thought that perhaps the whiskey had not been a good idea after all. Then gradually reality left him.

He could feel himself lying in the bed, but he had no sensation in his arms and legs, they felt as though they belonged to someone else. He felt himself beginning to drift off to sleep, and in the state of semi-wakefulness that comes just before sleep, he was aware that someone was sharing his bed. He turned towards the movement.

“Becky,” he whispered.

“Hush now, I’m here.”

As she took him in her arms, he gave her the love that had been burning inside him during the days he had been away. When he tried to raise his hand to caress her soft skin, his arm felt heavy and slow, but he was aware of Becky’s gentle hands on him, and he relaxed and accepted her attentions.

They lay together, wrapped in each other, as dawn broke. Adam stirred, reality intruding only very slowly, but his eyes opened wide in horror as he saw that it was Valerie who lay in his arms, her face peaceful and content. He recoiled in horror as he realised what he had done.

She smiled when she saw him looking at her. “Good morning, my darling.” She traced her index finger down his chest and round the line of his ribs. Adam pushed her away.

“What…?” He couldn’t think straight, what had she called him?

“What’s the matter? You don’t seem very pleased to see me,” she chided him gently, then kissed him. Adam tried to pull back as their lips met, but she put her hand behind his head and twisted her fingers into his hair, holding him. Adam wrenched his head away.

He tried to think through the fog that enveloped his brain, and suddenly he was filled with an awful certainty of what must have happened during the night. His voice came out as a horrified whisper. “What have you done?”

“Nothing that you didn’t want to do,” she taunted him.

Adam swung his legs over the side of the bed and stood up, swaying, gripping the bed head to steady himself. Just how drunk had he been last night? He reached for his clothes, which were lying on the chair beside the bed and hurriedly, if unsteadily, dressed while Valerie watched, making no move to stop him. He stood holding on to the chair for support, looking for his gun belt, which was nowhere in sight.

“And just where do you think you are going?” Valerie demanded angrily.

“As far away from here as I can get,” he said harshly, taking a step towards the door. “Anywhere. Home.”

Her high-pitched laughter stopped him. “You don’t think your wife’s going to want you, do you. Not after what you’ve done.”

Adam was afraid of the truth of Valerie’s words, but he knew he had to get away from this place, and he took another step.

“Oh no, not yet. You’re not going to just walk out on me. I’ve looked after you, and now you owe me.” Valerie stood between him and his escape. Adam tried to get past her but she held his arms. In his weakness, he was unable to resist the pressure and she pushed him back onto the bed. As he struggled to rise, she leant over him, holding his shoulders and lowered her head to kiss him. By sheer force of will he took her arms and shoved her roughly away, then stood and turned to the door. Valerie once again barred the way. She tried to prevent him from reaching the exit, striking out at him, catching him on his injured arm. Adam cried out, his head was swimming and his eyes refused to focus properly. They struggled, both determined to stop the other from achieving their goal.

Adam knew that he couldn’t fight off for very long Valerie’s attempts to stop him, and finally did something that he had never thought he could do. He hit a woman. He used all the force he could muster in his faltering muscles to strike her with his fist, and she fell into his arms, unconscious. He tried to lift her, intending to lay her on the bed, but he didn’t have the strength to raise her off her feet, so he lowered her to the floor, falling over her as he bent down. Adam remained on his knees panting, then pushed himself to his feet and leant against the door for a minute, gathering enough strength to move. He reached behind his back to open the door, and fell into the other room. He hit the floor and lay there, knowing that he had to move before Valerie woke up. He didn’t know whether he could resist if she tried to stop him again.

He reached up and gripped the edge of the table that stood in the centre of the room, pulling himself up until he was leaning on it with both hands, head down, breathing heavily. As he raised his eyes to take in the small room, he saw the bottle of whiskey sitting in the middle of the table, and he remembered the taste of the coffee the night before. Had Valerie intentionally got him so drunk that he didn’t know what he was doing? He hung his head, ashamed at having unwittingly abetted her in her scheme, then he picked up the bottle and threw it against the wall, where it shattered noisily. He thought he heard movement from the bedroom, and as fast as he could he snatched up his hat and saddle bags from a chair and went out of the front door, towards the barn.

Adam found Fiddler in a stall and searched for his saddle, which he found lying in one corner of the barn. He grabbed it, but it took two attempts for him to get it on Fiddler’s back. He hurriedly did up the cinch, placed his foot in the stirrup, and pulled himself into the saddle. Adam was bent double with the effort he had made, but he turned the horse’s head towards the door and kicked him into motion. As he rode out of the barn, he saw Valerie appear at the door of the cabin. She yelled at him to wait but he kicked Fiddler again, and the horse broke into a canter, taking them both away from the small cabin and its owner. Adam rode hard, until he felt that he had put enough distance between himself and his malevolent rescuer.

He pulled Fiddler to a walk and rode slowly on. He had ridden away not caring where he was going, now he tried to make sense of where he was, but he couldn’t think straight, the whiskey was still clouding his mind. He looked at the sky and turned Fiddler’s head towards the early morning sun, knowing that he had to head east. They travelled for hours, Adam swaying in the saddle with the movement of the horse. He knew he aught to dismount and rest, while he was still capable of making that decision, remembering what had happened the last time he fell from Fiddler’s back. But each time he thought of stopping, panic rose in him and he pushed on.
Chapter Two

The sun had nearly completed its journey across the sky when he saw buildings in the distance. A town, but which one, and where? It didn’t matter; Adam knew that he couldn’t ride any further, and approached the cluster of dwellings, hoping to find food and shelter for the night. As he went up the short street between the rough wooden buildings, he spotted the saloon, and a small hotel. He still had his wallet in his pocket. Whatever else Valerie might have been, she was no thief; she had not touched his money. No, she had wanted to be paid in a very different currency. He pulled up in front of the saloon and went inside, hoping that they might be able to provide him with a meal. His head was clearer, his appetite was returning, and he knew that if he ate he would feel better.

As he entered and his eyes adjusted to the subdued lighting, he saw a small room, tidy and clean, surprising in a small town bar. A handful of wooden tables filled most of the space, which was bereft of customers at this early evening hour, but would fill as darkness came. He went up to the bar and hesitantly ordered whiskey. The stocky, grey-haired barkeep put a glass on the counter and filled it from an anonymous bottle. Adam held the drink in his hand, staring at it, remembering. He shuddered, then he downed the dark, golden liquid, knowing that he probably shouldn’t drink it on an empty stomach, but the fiery liquor burnt its way through him, and for the moment gave him strength.

He asked for another, but let it sit in front of him, not sure that he was going to drink it. The temptation was there to empty down his throat as many drinks as he could, to get himself in a state where he would forget everything. But his intelligence told him that no amount of alcohol could change what alcohol itself had caused.

“Can I get something to eat?” he asked.

The elderly barkeep eyed his solitary customer warily, seeing the drawn features and slightly haunted look in the hooded eyes. He took in the dark, dust covered clothing, and the lack of a weapon. A man in trouble, the barkeep decided, but one with money in his pocket. “Yup. How about a steak, the wife’s cooking tonight, so it might be edible,” he laughed, knowing his wife was an excellent cook.

“A steak would be fine.”

“Take a seat, won’t be long.” He disappeared, but Adam could hear him talking to someone, presumably his wife, then saw him return to stand behind the bar, polishing glasses that were already gleaming.

“Come far?” the man asked.

Adam looked up. The last thing he needed at that moment was idle chatter; his mind was still on what Valerie had done, and what he had done. He was going to have to go home. But then what? He could pretend that nothing had happened, try to carry on as normal, but he knew in his heart that that was not possible, it would be there with him every waking moment. As he thought of Becky lying innocently beside him, he remembered Valerie and the guilt she had thrust upon him. His hand tightened over the small shot glass, which would have shattered but for its thickness. No, he was going to have to tell Becky and he dreaded her reaction. Despite the fact that he had had very little say in the matter, he had been unfaithful to her. Could she forgive him? How might it change their relationship?

“I said, ‘have you come far’?” The bartender, who was used to people pouring out their troubles to him, thought that this man might want to do the same, once he got talking.

“Yes.” Adam thought that he had travelled to the depths of his being, a journey that he would have walked a thousand miles to avoid.

“Where are you headed?”

“Virginia City.” Adam sipped his drink absently, not concentrating on the conversation.

“I worked there once.” The man started polishing the already immaculate bar top.

“Really.” Adam was thinking about how he was going to tell Becky what had happened.

“Yeah. Years ago. I used to work cattle, before my horse threw me and busted my hip. Can’t sit a horse for very long now. It was a big spread, the Ponderosa, you know it?”

Adam was startled out of his thoughts by the mention of his family home.

The man was still talking. “Owned by the Cartwrights. Good family, good to their hands. Ben Cartwright, the father, wouldn’t have it any other way. Said that hands worked best if they was taken care of. You know Ben Cartwright?”

Adam smiled to himself, and the barkeep could see the face of the stranger transformed at the mention of the name. Suddenly Adam felt closer to home.

Adam spoke softly. “Yes, I know him, he’s my father.”

The man frowned, dredging his memory for pictures of the Cartwright sons. This certainly wasn’t the elder of the two boys, not big enough, but surely too old for the younger.

“Your father you say?”

Adam could hear the doubt in the man’s voice. “How long ago did you work there?” he asked.

“Must be nearly twenty five years.”

Adam worked it out, then went to the bar and held out his hand. “I’m Adam Cartwright, Ben’s eldest son. I would have been away at college when you were there.”

The barkeep took Adam’s hand, shaking it warmly as he introduced himself. “Caleb Smith. Now you mention it, I do remember there was another son that I never saw. It’s a pleasure to meet you. Supper’s on the house.”

“No, you have a living to make, same as everyone else,” Adam insisted.

“Well, a drink at least then.” Adam nodded his agreement, but as he downed his third drink, he felt his legs begin to give way, and the next thing he knew he was looking up into the face of an unknown, grey-haired lady who was patting his hand gently.

“There now, son, you just lie still and let Matilda take care of you. You look as though you’ve had a rough time. But a little tender loving care will soon see you right.”

As panic gripped him, Adam made to rise from the sofa on which he was lying, remembering the last time he had come round to the sight of a stranger. But then he recalled Caleb Smith and the bar, and he relaxed with a sigh as he covered his eyes.

Matilda, whom Adam assumed was Mrs. Smith, bustled about the room, laying cutlery on the table in between going back and forth to the kitchen. Adam could smell the distinct aroma of steak cooking. His mouth watered at the thought, sending stinging pains through his cheeks. He carefully swung his feet off the settee and planted them on the carpeted floor, then he pressed down with his right hand, gingerly taking his weight on his legs, which refused to support him and he sat down again, shaking his head in frustration. He still felt weak, but told himself that it was because of the lingering effects of the infection. Then his stomach reminded him that he had not eaten properly for the last five days in Valerie’s care, and he could not remember how long before that. He saw Mrs. Smith’s portly figure emerge from the kitchen.

“I’m sorry to be so much trouble to you. I’ll be on my way soon.” He wasn’t sure that he was telling the whole truth, but these people didn’t need the bother of a stranger in their house. Adam was also trying to convince himself that he could start on the remainder of his homeward journey. He knew that five days ago he still had about fifty miles to go, and since this morning he might have covered another ten miles. He hadn’t travelled in a straight line away from the cabin, so he couldn’t be sure. He sat up straighter, his heart beating fast and hard in his chest, as he thought that ten miles wasn’t very far for a determined woman. Would Valerie come after him? Adam shook his head as he squeezed his eyes tight shut against the memory. No, she wouldn’t bother to look for him, she had simply taken the opportunity that had presented itself to her, of a man alone and helpless. She hadn’t searched him out. His racing heart slowed as he reasoned that he was safe here, but only half believing it.

Suddenly he felt a hand gripping his left arm. Adam jumped to his feet in surprise; the touch on his wound increasing the pain that had gradually crept back during the day. He turned abruptly, drawing back his right arm, his hand balling into a fist ready to strike out. Before he could deliver the blow, his eyes registered the short, round figure of Mrs. Smith, who was looking at him with a trace of fear on her face. His legs threatened to give way, so he sat on one of the dining chairs behind him.

Matilda put her hand on his shoulder, to reassure him. She could see that deep down, this was a very troubled man. “What is it, dear, what’s bothering you?” she asked in a soft, comforting voice, her calm grey eyes telling him that he had nothing to fear of from her.

“Nothing. I’m sorry, you startled me that’s all.” Adam shook his head, lowering his eyes to the floor, shocked at what he had nearly done. Then he remembered hitting Valerie, and shivered. Before he met the scheming homesteader he would have said that there was never an excuse for such behaviour, but his values had shifted sharply, he knew he hadn’t had any choice.

“Do you always react so violently to an unexpected touch? You must get into a lot of fights that way.”

Adam raised his eyes to look at the kindly woman, who was standing with her hands crossed over her stomach, smiling at him. He let out a long breath as he smiled lopsidedly back, but she could see that the amusement did not reach his eyes, which remained shuttered against the outside world.

“No, you’re right.” He wondered what he could say to explain his reaction. “I was…I had an experience recently that left me… how shall I put it, unsettled.”

Matilda sat on the settee and patted the seat beside her. Adam stood shakily, and joined her. She put out both her hands, gently taking one of his between them as she looked straight at him. Adam had the impression that she was looking right into the depths of his soul. He turned away, ashamed to let her see what was hidden there.

“Do you want to tell me about it? It might help.” She spoke softly, encouraging her troubled visitor to confide in her. For a moment Adam considered unloading all the pent up anger and fear and shame he felt, but then he knew that he couldn’t speak about what had happened to anyone but Becky, and he was dreading that encounter.

He shook his head. “No, but thank you.” He smiled more genuinely. “Do you always take in people who collapse in the bar?”

Matilda laughed aloud at the thought. “Oh my goodness, no. We’d have a handful of bodies in here every Saturday night. No, Adam. May I call you that?” Adam nodded. “Then you must call me Matilda. No, we owe your father a very large debt of gratitude, and we would not pass up the opportunity to help his son.” She stood and went into the kitchen, returning to place two plates of steak and vegetables on the table. “Now come and eat, and I’ll tell you about it.”

Adam sat at the table, opposite Matilda, as she explained. “When Caleb was injured, your father took care of him, and me. He paid for the doctor and the treatment Caleb needed. I think that in some way Mr. Cartwright felt responsible for what happened, though it was in no way his fault, just one of those things that happen. But because Caleb was doing your father a favour, helping him when he was very short handed, and spending long hours in the saddle, Mr. Cartwright took it on himself to care for him.” Matilda was pleased to see that as she spoke, Adam was absent-mindedly eating his meal, intrigued by the story. “When Caleb was better, and we realised that he would no longer be able to carry on with the work, your father lent him enough money to buy this place. We paid him back of course, but it took a long time. He never once asked about the money, I really think that he didn’t expect to see it returned, but Caleb was determined to repay him.”

Adam chewed slowly, thinking of his father. How like him to take responsibility for the accident, and to try to make amends by giving them the money, which at the time he could ill afford.

“Well, I’m glad that my father helped you,” said Adam smiling, as he looked at Matilda. “Otherwise you might just have thrown me out into the street.” He put out his hand and rested it on Matilda’s arm. “Seriously, I am grateful. If ever there was the right person, in the right place, at the right time, you’re it, and Caleb too.” Adam looked round the room, wondering about the couple. “Do you have children?”

Matilda shook her head. “No. It is one of the few regrets of my life, that I couldn’t have children, and now that Caleb and I are getting to the age where we should be thinking of giving up the business, there is no one to take over. We’re getting a bit old to be throwing drunks out of an evening.”

Adam’s eyes softened as he remembered the pleasure that he got from his own children. “I’m sorry. You would have been a wonderful mother.” He paused, and then added sincerely, “Especially when they were in need.”

“Like I said, I’m glad to be able to help. Adam, I meant it, if you need to talk about what happened to you, I’m ready to listen. You know it’s sometimes easier to talk to a stranger.”

Adam’s smile faded and he returned to his meal, thinking that he needed to tell someone about his encounter, but he couldn’t find the words. The scenes in the cabin replayed over and over in his mind. His jaw tightened as his teeth clamped together, and his breath came faster as he stared down at the table, remembering. Matilda became concerned when she saw the look on his face, and came round the table to crouch down beside him, careful not to touch him.

“Adam, it’s all right. Calm down, nothing’s going to harm you here.”

He turned his glazed eyes towards her and gradually the tension inside him relaxed. He pushed his plate away and stood, going to look out of the window, which gave him a view of the quiet street outside.

After a few minutes, Matilda approached him slowly, being sure to make a slight noise so as not to startle him. She had a cup of coffee in each hand, and he reached out uncertainly to take one. She saw that as he looked down into the cup his hand shook, so she moved away, allowing him time to regain his composure. He crossed the room to sit beside her, and raised the cup tentatively to his lips.

“Would you like something stronger in that?” Matilda offered.

His reaction to her words was instant and definite. “No!” Then he seemed to regret his sharpness. “No, thank you anyway.” He stared into the cup. The image of Valerie was inextricably linked with the flavour of coffee, and he thought that he might never again be able to taste his favourite drink without her coming back to haunt him. Then he mentally shook himself, he would not give it up because of what she had done to him. He slowly tasted the coffee, and found it more what he was used to, without the bitterness of that which Valerie had made for him. He drained the cup of its contents, one sip at a time, and asked for another. Matilda brought out the coffee pot to refill his cup, and she could see that he squared his shoulders as he put it to his mouth, draining it in one go. He silently asked for another, and again she filled it. He consumed this one more slowly. Each cupful was cleaning the taste of Valerie’s bitter coffee from his mouth. A fourth cup followed the way of the other three. The next refill he held in his hands, swirling the liquid round inside the cup, looking down at it thoughtfully. Then, as he looked at her, Matilda could see that his small, self-satisfied smile was reflected in his eyes.

“Thank you, Matilda. You will never know how good that tastes,” he said.

She replied quietly, regretfully. “No, I don’t suppose I will.”

Matilda made up a bed for Adam on the settee, and as he settled down for the night he thought that he would not be able to sleep, too many images were running through his mind. He wasn’t tired, he had slept so much during the last five days that he believed it would be a long time before he needed sleep.

But then Matilda was kneeling beside him, gently brushing her hand over his hair, making soothing noises.

“There, now. It’s all right, you’re safe.”

Adam sat up. “What happened?” he asked, bewildered.

“You were crying out in your sleep, having a nightmare.”

“I’m sorry if I woke you, please, go back to bed.” He had no recollection of his dreams, just a vague feeling of unease.

“No, you settle down again, and I’ll just sit here for a while.”

Adam lay down as Matilda took his hand, holding it gently and caressing the long fingers. Adam didn’t want to sleep, afraid that the dreams might return, and that he might remember them. But gradually Matilda’s soft, soothing voice lulled him, and he closed his eyes. When he opened them again, it was morning, and she was standing over him with a cup of coffee in her hand. He sat up ready to take it.

“I don’t know that you aught to drink this, seeing how much you had last night, but it seemed to do you good.”

Adam laughed quietly. “I’ll take it a bit slower this morning, I think.” He took the cup and again relished the pure taste of the coffee. When he had finished, he stood and went into the kitchen, where Caleb Smith was standing by the range, cooking breakfast.

Matilda saw Adam leaning against the doorpost, his arms folded across his chest, a small smile playing at the corners of his mouth. This domestic scene was bringing back normality to his life.

“Caleb always cooks breakfast,” she explained. “Now, you go and sit down and I’ll bring it to you.”

Adam did as instructed, and was soon joined by Caleb and Matilda. They enjoyed a quiet meal, during which the couple kept the conversation light, often laughing at some quirk of human nature as demonstrated by their customers. They told Adam that they had a good trade, made a reasonable living, and were content with their lot. Adam felt a deep gratitude to the elderly pair, not only for their hospitality, but also for their consideration and kindness.

“I’d best be leaving straight after breakfast. I have to get back home, I’m overdue and they will be worrying about me,” he explained. Then a thought struck him, and he was cross with himself for not thinking of it the night before. “My horse…”

“…has been taken care of. He’s at the livery down the street.” Caleb assured him.

“Thank you, Caleb.” Adam reached into his pocket, calculating how much he owed to the man. He pulled out several bills and held them out towards Caleb, who shook his head.

“No, I won’t take your money.”

“But you can’t…”

“Yes, I can and I will,” Caleb insisted. “Matilda told you what your father did for us, and it’s my pleasure to return some of his kindness. Now, put your money away and don’t insult me by mentioning it again.”

Caleb joined Adam as he was preparing to leave.

“Wait a minute, Adam. I have something that I think you will need.” He went to the tall dresser in one corner of the room and opened a cupboard. Adam saw that he was holding a brown leather gun belt, the weapon sitting neatly in the holster. Caleb held it out towards him and as Adam reached to take it, their eyes met, exchanging understanding looks.

Adam nodded. “Yes, I’m going home.”

“Good, I was afraid that you might be thinking of going after whoever it was that left you like this.”

“No, home is where I want to be right now.” Adam buckled the belt and set it on his hips, then tied the thong round his thigh, glad to feel again the reassurance of being able to defend himself. Matilda appeared from the kitchen clutching Adam’s saddlebags.

“You’ll find enough food in here to take you home.” She looked into his eyes, smiling. “And plenty of coffee.”

He smiled back gratefully, then took her in his arms, and hugged her tightly. “Thank you, for everything.” Then he shook Caleb’s hand. “My father will be pleased to know that his kindness has been returned, with interest.”

They followed him to the door, and with a last ‘goodbye’, Adam turned towards the street and walked down to the livery stable, where he found Fiddler saddled and ready to leave. In reply to Adam’s enquiry, the ostler told him that Caleb had left instructions that the horse should be ready early. Adam thanked him and mounted, turning Fiddler’s head in the direction of his wife, and her unpredictable reaction.
Chapter Three

As Adam rode towards home, his feelings were ambiguous. He wanted to hurry, to get back to his family as quickly as he could, but he also felt that he never wanted to get there, knowing that he was going to have to face Becky, and tell her what he had done. He again contemplated not confessing to her, but he knew that the days ahead were going to be difficult enough, without the added guilt of deception.

He camped for the night beside a stream, the sound of the bubbling water calming his shattered nerves. He lay for a long time looking up at the stars, and as the full moon rose bright against the black of the sky, he watched it move among the branches above him, its silver surface seeming clean and unsullied, unlike his feelings.

He shivered beneath his blanket as memories overwhelmed him. Then he forced his mind to think of Caleb and Matilda. While there were such people in this world, he knew there was hope, that goodness could overcome evil, and ultimately the good would survive.

He turned onto his side, pulling the blanket up round his ears, and slept.

He woke to the chill of dawn, but he was sweating. He had dreamed of Valerie pursuing him, catching him, and taking him from his family. He rose quickly and made some coffee, but did not bother with breakfast. The dream had made him realise that he wanted to be home. He would get there as fast as he could and face the consequences of what he had done, no matter what they were. He was prepared to let Becky react as she would, he would not try to influence her, but trust that the love they had for each other could withstand this onslaught, and eventually their life could continue.

Since he had to pass through the Ponderosa to get to his home, Adam decided to put off his talk with Becky by calling on his father. He rode into the yard of the large house and saw that the three horses belonging to his father and brothers were tied up outside. Adam hesitated, he hadn’t anticipated having to face them all at once. Before Adam could turn round and head home, the front door opened and his youngest brother, Joe, appeared.

Joe turned and shouted into the house. “Hey, Pa! Seems like we won’t have to go looking for Adam after all.” He strode across the yard, holding his hand out as his brother dismounted. Ben and Hoss emerged into the sunlit yard, calling to him.

“Well it’s about time,” said Hoss, greeting his elder brother with a slap on the back. Hoss was six years younger, eighty pounds heavier and three inches taller than his older brother, and the slap would have knocked Adam off his feet if he hadn’t been prepared for it.

“Son, we were getting worried.” Ben shook Adam’s hand, putting his other hand on his shoulder.

“I’m sorry I’m late, I was…delayed.” Adam could sense an excitement in the men standing in front of him as he looked from one to another. Joe had a broad grin on his openly handsome face, which could not be explained simply by his relief at seeing his brother safely home.

Adam turned to his father. “What is it? What’s going on?”

Ben glanced at Joe, then back to Adam. “Joe’s getting married.”

“What!” Adam exclaimed genuinely happy, looking at Joe.

Joe nodded. “Yes, it’s true. That’s why we were so anxious for you to get back.”

“When?” Adam looked to them for information.

“Saturday week.” Joe informed him, and a look of nervous anticipation replaced his grin. Adam worked it out. Eleven days. By then, he thought, he’d either be with living at home with Becky and the children, or his marriage would have fallen apart. He couldn’t know that there was a third option.

“More to the point, who?” asked Adam. Ever since Joe had been old enough to notice girls, he had flirted unmercifully. His good looks and sparkling humour helping him in pursuit of any girl he set his cap at. Adam suspected that he already knew the answer to his question. One girl in particular had seemed to be the centre of Joe’s attention for the past months.

Hoss, who was grinning broadly, replied. “Little Lucy Sullivan.”

Joe nudged Hoss in the ribs. “Hey, she’s not so little any more.”

“Compared to me she is,” laughed Hoss, who was six inches taller than his younger brother.

“Everyone’s small compared to you,” Joe pointed out.

Adam held out his hand to Joe, laughing. “I’m very pleased for you. She’ll make you a great wife.”

“Well, we’ve got a good example to follow. If we can be anything like as happy as you and Becky, I’ll be satisfied.”

Adam’s laugh died in his throat, and a shadow crossed his face, which did not escape his father’s notice.

Adam smiled again at Joe, but Ben saw that his eyes were not smiling. “You’ll do all right Joe, I know you will.” He turned to his father. “I’d better be getting home. I only stopped by to let you know I was back, and Becky will be worried as well. Let me know if there’s anything I can do for the wedding.”

Before Ben could ask him about his reaction to Joe’s remark, Adam had mounted and was waving them farewell. He started off towards home, thinking about Joe. His youngest brother had finally decided to settle down, his wild oats sown. Joe’s unpredictable temper was kept well in control as he had matured, and Adam knew that he would make a good husband. As he thought of his own marriage, dark images of Valerie gripped him, and Adam prayed that Joe would never find himself in the same position as his elder brother. Adam had always tried to set a good example for his brothers, but knew that after almost a lifetime of trying, he had finally failed.

It was late in the afternoon as he crested a rise and sat for a few minutes looking down. He could see Becky in the yard in front of the house, playing with the children. She was dressed, as she always was when working around the ranch, in shirt and pants, and her dark hair streamed out behind her as the twins, five-year-old Josh and Elizabeth, chased her but she was just managing to stay out of their reach. He saw his younger daughter, Alice, sitting on the veranda surrounded by her dolls, some teacups at her side as she pretended to be on a picnic. His heart beat faster as he watched, knowing that the story he had to tell might take this away from him.

He eased Fiddler into a trot, and as soon as he appeared in the yard he was surrounded.

“Papa, you’re back!” cried Elizabeth, reaching up to hug him as he dismounted. He encircled her with his arms and kissed the top of her head, as Josh came up to him and held out his hand, which Adam took, shaking it.

“I looked after them Pa,” said Josh seriously. Then a smile broke out on his face and he, too, hugged his father. “But I’m glad you’re back,” he whispered in Adam’s ear.

Adam let go of Josh and bent down to pick up Alice, fighting back the tears that threatened. He hugged her to him, and wondered what madness had possessed him that he would risk losing his family. He put her back on her feet and turned to Becky, who had stood back to let the children greet their father. She sucked in her breath as she looked at him, seeing something in his eyes that she didn’t understand, but knew that she didn’t like. She approached him, and as she put her arms round him, she could feel him tense.

“Oh, Adam, it’s good to have you home. I was beginning to get worried, you’re late, we expected you days ago. Have you heard, about Joe?”

“Yes, I called in there on the way. I’m sorry I was delayed, but I’ll tell you about it later, when the children are in bed,” he said quietly.

Becky knew her husband well, she could read every nuance of his voice, and she was worried, there was something very wrong. But she also knew that he would tell her when he was ready, and not before.

She took Adam’s hand and led him into the house, trying to behave normally, to welcome him home. From time to time, as she prepared supper for the children, she glanced at him, and when she did, she saw that he was watching her with a curious look in his eyes. He seemed to be assessing her, as though wondering who she was, and it unsettled Becky. She had not seen Adam in over a month, and during that time, something had changed inside him. He had left for his trip as her husband, but had returned a stranger. When she spoke to him, he seemed distant and wary, almost as though he was afraid of her. Becky called the children in to supper, and as soon as the meal was finished and they had spent a little time with Adam, she got them off to bed and settled for the night. She gave them the assurance that they could spend more time with him the following day, but for now, they should let their father rest after his long journey.

Once they were alone, Adam refused Becky’s suggestion of something to eat. Instead, he went to stand uncertainly in front of the fireplace, first putting his hands on his hips, then crossing his arms over his chest as he hunched his shoulders, looking down at the floor, avoiding her gaze.

“Come and sit down, I have something to tell you,” he said seriously.

Becky sat nervously on the sofa, she could tell by his tone that whatever he was going to say was not going to be pleasant. She felt her hands shake, and held them tightly together on her lap.

She looked up at him. “Well, I know that something’s wrong, I could tell as soon as you rode in. What is it?” She was trying to keep her voice level, but her heart beat wildly.

Adam hesitated, he didn’t know where to start, or how to tell her what had happened. He raised his eyes to meet his wife’s. “Becky, what I have to say will come as a shock to you, but I want you to let me tell it without interrupting. When I have finished, you must decide what to do about it. Do you understand?” He held his hands firmly under his arms, to stop the tremor that had started in anticipation of Becky’s reaction. This was more difficult than he could possibly have imagined.

Becky swallowed hard. “Adam, what is it?”

“I asked you if you understood. The decision you must make is yours alone, and I will abide by it.”

Becky looked into his serious, pain filled eyes, and replied with a tremble in her voice, unable to control it in the face of what he was saying. “I understand.”

Adam nodded and took a deep breath. This was the moment he had dreaded, and now it was here he wished that he had decided to say nothing, but it was too late for that.

“On my way home I stopped in a little town, it doesn’t matter where, and got into a fight in a saloon.” He held up his hand as Becky was going to interrupt. “No, let me finish. The other man had a knife and he caught my arm. The wound became infected, and I was running a fever that caused me to collapse. I was taken in by a woman who seemed as though she wanted to help me.” Adam stopped as he remembered. Becky remained silent, she had no idea of what was coming, but she steeled herself for Adam to continue, which after a long pause he did.

As Becky listened to Adam’s account of those days with Valerie, the colour drained from her face. He gave her the details as unemotionally as he could, so that her decision, when she made it, would be arrived at with no pressure from him. After he had finished, she stood and turned her back, trying to compose herself. Then she turned to face him.

“You say that you didn’t know what you were doing?” she asked.

“That’s right,” he agreed.

“Well, let me ask you something. Had she restrained you in some way?” Becky’s voice rose in anger and hurt. “Did someone hold you down?”

“No.”

“She didn’t force herself on you?”

He hesitated. Force? No, Valerie had not needed force. “No,” he replied honestly.

“Then how could you? How could you let it happen?” Becky shouted.

Adam shook his head helplessly. “I told you. I didn’t ‘let’ it happen. She must have got me so drunk I didn’t know what I was doing. With the fever an’ all, the drink must have affected me more than I realised,” he said softly. Adam was conscious of his own guilt, and could not hide it from Becky. He knew he must have had less than a measure of whiskey, yet he had been unable to resist Valerie.

“But no one forced you?”

“No,” he agreed sadly, knowing it was the truth. Was his complicity that obvious to her?

“Then how do you expect me to believe that it was something that you didn’t want to do? Are you telling me that any time you might get drunk, you can use it as an excuse for behaving this way?” Becky turned away not expecting, or getting, an answer. Adam’s guilt was plain, he had allowed it to happen, and however much he might blame Valerie, and say that he had been an unwitting participant, no one had made him do it. She thought of how much she loved him, and her heart cried, she had believed that her love was returned in full measure. But he had betrayed that love. Becky knew there was only one thing to do if she was going to retain any measure of self-respect.

“Adam, I think you should leave. I still love you, and just having you here makes me want you, but I can’t live with a man who thinks so little of me that he would let another woman take advantage of him. How can I be sure that it won’t happen again, should the opportunity present itself.” She turned to face him. “You said that I should decide what to do. I want you to go, now.”

“You say that you love me, isn’t that enough? We can work out the rest.” He couldn’t believe that she was sending him away.

“No. There has to be respect as well, and you gave me none when you were with Valerie. Otherwise, I’m just someone you use, here for your convenience. No, I want you to go, now.”

Adam simply nodded, he could see that she was determined. His feelings of guilt had prepared him for such an outcome, but still he was shocked to hear Becky say the words that would separate them.

“Very well. I had hoped that we had something stronger between us, but it seems that I was wrong.” He paused, seeing that she was not going to relent. “Becky, I understand how you feel, and I’ll go, but may I come back and see the children?”

For a moment, her heart softened. “Of course, they are still your children, and I would not deprive them of their father.” She saw the relief that crossed Adam’s face, and her anger flared again. “Are you going back to the Ponderosa?” Adam nodded. “Then I would prefer it if you saw them there. I can send them over with Jeb, or you can get someone to collect them.”

Adam knew then that he was being dismissed from Becky’s life; she didn’t want to see him again. He fought back the tears that burned in his eyes as he simply nodded his agreement to her terms. How could he make amends for what he had done if she wouldn’t even see him? He picked up his hat and went to the door, turning as he opened it.

“Becky, please can we talk about this again, when you have had a chance to think it over?” he entreated her.

“I will think about it, you can be sure of that,” she replied, the cold anger she felt obvious in her voice. “And if I want to see you, I will send for you. If and until I do, you will stay away from me, do you understand?”

Adam understood all too well. “Yes.” He went through the door, closing it quietly, leaving behind a part of his life he had never thought to lose.

Adam rode slowly towards the Ponderosa, where he knew his father and brothers would be enjoying a quiet evening together. As he pulled up in the yard, it was dark, except for the lights that shone from the windows of the house where he had lived from his teenage years until his marriage, six years ago, and was again to be his home. He stabled Fiddler and approached the front door. Adam hesitated before putting out his hand to lift the latch. Once he entered, he would be starting a new chapter in his life, without the love of the woman he adored. Before he could make himself take that step, the door opened, and his father stood there, surprise evident on his face.

“Adam! What are you doing here? I heard someone ride in, I thought it must be one of the hands. Come in.” Ben stood aside to allow him to enter. Adam saw Hoss and Joe sitting in front of a blazing fire. As he removed his hat, they stood, delighted but puzzled to see their brother. They noticed the strange gun belt that he laid on the dresser behind the front door, but none of them commented on it. Ben recalled seeing it when Adam had ridden in earlier in the day, but had not had the chance to ask him about it, the excitement of Joe’s news overriding all else.

“Adam!” exclaimed Joe. Then he laughed. “What happened? Did Becky throw you out?” Adam looked at him, and Joe was mortified as he saw the pain in his brother’s eyes, and knew that he had said completely the wrong thing. “Adam, I’m sorry, I didn’t mean….”

“Yeah? Well, you’re right.”

Ben was standing behind Adam and could see his dejected stance; leaning on one hip, back slightly bent, with shoulders sagging. He motioned for Joe and Hoss to leave them alone.

Hoss came to his elder brother and put his hands on his shoulders. “Adam?”

Adam smiled thinly, knowing that Hoss had nothing but love in his heart for his family, and would feel the need to offer comfort. “I’m all right, don’t worry.”

Hoss nodded, understanding that there was so much more that Adam was not saying. He pulled at Joe’s arm, saying that they were going to bed.

Joe resisted for a moment. “Adam, I’m sorry.”

Adam nodded sadly. “That’s OK, Joe, you couldn’t know.”

“Would you like a drink?” Ben asked, once they were alone.

“Thanks.” Adam dropped untidily onto the sofa that stood in front of the imposing fireplace, and stared into the flames. He looked up as his father handed him a large glass of brandy. Adam nodded his acknowledgement, and sipped the drink slowly, letting it burn through him.

“Do you want to tell me about it?” Ben asked quietly. He remembered the look he had seen earlier on his son’s face. Something had happened while he was away to cause this.

Adam looked into the wise ebony eyes beneath the silver hair. “Pa, can I stay here for a while? I don’t know how long it might be,” Adam said quietly, with infinite sadness.

“Of course,” his father agreed, hearing the pain in his son’s voice and hoping that Adam would tell him more, but not pressing him.

Adam didn’t speak for a long time, silently drinking the brandy, trying not to think. Then he turned to his father.

“Becky…asked me to leave.” He could see the questions in Ben’s eyes. “She had cause.”

“Son, if there’s anything I can do…”

Adam shook his head sadly. “No, there’s nothing. Don’t worry, we’ll sort it out.”

Ben stood and put his hand on Adam’s shoulder. “Then why don’t you get to bed, you look tired.”

Adam nodded, he wasn’t just tired, he was exhausted. He followed Ben up the stairs, bidding him ‘goodnight’ as they parted. He made his way to his old room and threw himself down on the bed, which was always made up in preparation for those times when he had to work late, or was unexpectedly delayed in returning home.

He lay there for a long time, playing over in his mind what Becky had said. Why had he not been able to convince her that he’d acted innocently, unknowingly? He thought that she had not wanted to believe him, that she could only see what he had done, not the circumstances surrounding it. He realised that he could have been more persuasive, if he had not already blamed himself for what had happened.

Adam got undressed and lay between the sheets, staring at the ceiling. Sleep tried to claim him, and he fought against it, fearing the dreams it would bring. But slowly Morpheus won the battle and the nightmares returned. Where before he had dreamed of Valerie, now it was Becky that tormented him, laughing at him as she turned him away, throwing him into a pit of vipers that struck at him and when he fought them off, he saw that their heads bore the likeness of Valerie. They coiled themselves about him, as he struggled against them, trying to get away.

He woke unable to move his legs. Adam tried desperately to escape, then he realised that he had tangled himself in the sheets as he battled with his imagined enemy. He freed his limbs and got out of bed, determined that he would sleep no more that night. He dressed quickly, and went quietly downstairs where he prodded the fire back into life, then sat on the sturdy low table that stood between the sofa and the fireplace, staring at the flames, playing over in his mind the events that had led him to this point. It occurred to him that he should tell his father about Caleb and Matilda, but then he would have to explain why he had needed their help. No, he would say nothing, and add that omission to the deficit side of his life’s ledger, a page that he felt was filling rapidly.

He was still sat there two hours later, when Ben came downstairs. Daylight had broken, unnoticed by Adam, who was lost in his thoughts.

“Morning son, you’re up early.” Ben greeted him.

Adam shook himself, unprepared for the interruption. “Yes.” He didn’t feel like talking.

Ben went into the kitchen, returning a few minutes later with coffee for both of them. He handed a cup to Adam who took it, but then just stared at the dark liquid, not drinking.

Ben noticed that the fire had been burning for some time, judging by the amount of ash in the hearth.

“Have you been up long?” he asked.

“No,” Adam lied, not wanting his father to worry.

“Adam, about Becky…”

“Leave it, Pa. I don’t want to talk about it.”

Ben acknowledged to himself that he would wait for a more opportune time. “Well, you needn’t do a lot today, get some rest after your trip,” he suggested.

The last thing Adam wanted to do was sit around all day, it would only give him more time to remember. “I thought that I would clear some of the paperwork and then check the logging camp, see how things are up there.”

“If that’s what you want, but we have been keeping an eye on things while you’ve been gone.”

“I know. I didn’t mean…” Adam stopped, regretting the implied criticism. “In fact I think I might as well make a start now.” He went to the desk in the alcove, taking the coffee with him. Ben watched as Adam got out the ledgers. He wanted to help his son, but if he wouldn’t talk there was not much he could do.

Soon the house was alive with early morning bustle. Hoss and Joe came down for breakfast, followed by Ben’s wife, Alice. Ben called for Adam to join them at the table, but he refused, saying that he would eat later, for now he wanted to get on with the work that had accumulated. There was not really that much to do, but he knew that if he didn’t eat his father would become concerned, and start to nag him.

Breakfast was a quiet affair. The four who sat at the table were aware of the silent figure bent over his father’s desk. The meal finished, Hoss and Joe left for work and Ben picked up his hat, saying that he was going to visit a neighbour. Once they were alone, Alice approached Adam.

“Adam,” she said to get his attention. She waited for him to look at her. “Ben told me about you and Becky. I’m so sorry.”

Adam sat back in the chair, throwing his pencil onto the desk. “Yeah, the timing could have been better, what with Joe’s wedding.”

Adam looked up at his stepmother. He never thought of Alice that way, she had always been more like a mother to him, like the mother he might have known had his own not died when he was born. He stood up, leaving the books on which he was having trouble concentrating. He left his untouched coffee on the desk, and poured himself a fresh cup from the pot on the breakfast table. Alice watched him, concern written in the lines of her face.

“Do you want to tell me about it?” she asked. Adam looked at her longingly. He took in the grey hair and neat appearance of this elderly woman whom he treasured. If there was anyone who might understand, it was Alice. He knew that she would not blame him, but the guilt and shame he felt prevented him from speaking, and he simply shook his head slowly. He drained his cup, replacing it on the table.

He walked to the door, picking up his hat, and the gun belt that Caleb had given him. “I’m going up to the logging camp, I’ll be back later.”

He rode up to the camp, where he found everything in order. The men were actually slightly ahead of schedule on the railroad contract, and the operation was working smoothly. Adam was almost regretful at their efficiency as it gave him nothing to do, but he stayed to help them.

He worked hard, the physical effort helping to take his mind off the events of the past days. Late in the afternoon the work eased off, and he found thoughts coming unbidden into his mind. Images of Valerie and of Becky mingled in his head.

He was standing beside a stack of timber that was waiting to be sent down the chute and into the river, for its journey to the sawmill. Two men were manoeuvring a last log of the day into position. Suddenly the pile started to move. The men jumped clear, but Adam just stood and stared at it, seeing it shift towards him. It seemed to move in slow motion. He could see the rough bark on the wood, hear the low rumble as the logs began to roll, but still he did not attempt to escape. He thought that if he simply stayed where he was the timber would roll over him, taking him away from this world and its pain. He heard shouting, and then suddenly he felt a thud in his back and a blinding pain in his head.

When he came round, he was looking up into the face of Ed South, the logging foreman. Ed was a big, burly man, who ran the camp with a firm hand, but at that moment he was angry and scared.

“What did you think you were doing?” Ed asked fiercely. “You could see the stack shifting. Why didn’t you move?”

Adam blinked several times, and then held out his hand for Ed to help him up onto unsteady legs, his head swimming and aching fiercely. “I’m sorry,” Adam said slowly. “My mind was miles away.”

“Yeah, well. I wasn’t looking forward to having to tell your Pa that I had let his son get killed.” Ed stepped forward, and used his kerchief to dab at the blood running down Adam’s face from a cut eyebrow. Adam took the cloth and pressed it against the wound.

“I’m sorry, Ed, and thank you.” He held out his hand and Ed shook it. The foreman had known all day that something was wrong. He thought that he might speak to Ben anyway, tell him what he had seen.

When Adam arrived home his headache was no more than an annoyance, but he wouldn’t be able to hide from his father his cut and bruised face.

“What happened?” Ben demanded when he saw the damage.

Adam decided that something close to the truth would be easiest. “It’s all right, I was just careless. You know that you can’t let your mind wander on a logging site. Well, it won’t surprise you to know, under the circumstances, that that’s exactly what I did. I wasn’t paying attention to a pile of logs that slipped, but Ed pushed me out of the way.”

“How do you feel?”

“I’m OK, but if you don’t mind I think I’ll go up to my room.” Adam saw a way to escape supper, and the questions of his family.

“I’ll have Hop Sing bring you some food.” Ben hoped that his Chinese housekeeper could find something that would tempt Adam to eat. He knew that his son had not had any breakfast and suspected that he might not have eaten all day. Adam nodded his thanks, and went to his room.

An hour later Ed South knocked on the front door, looking for Ben.

“Hello Ed, how are things going?” Ben greeted him.

“Fine thanks, Ben.” The two men had known each other for many years, and Ed felt that their relationship was such that he could speak openly. “But there’s something I think you should know. Can we speak alone?”

Ben took Ed outside, and they wandered together down to the corral.

“What is it?” Ben asked a little anxiously.

“It’s about Adam. Did you know he spent the day at the logging camp?” Ben nodded. “Well, I was watching him. He worked all day like the devil was after him. Did he tell you about the stack slipping?” Again, Ben nodded. “Ben, he just stood and watched it. He wasn’t going to move. It was almost as though he wanted it to get him.”

“He told me about it, said that his mind was elsewhere.”

“That’s as maybe, but he knew what was happening, you could see it in his face. He was watching those logs roll.” Ed tried to get Ben to see that Adam had not told him the entire truth.

“Ed, Adam and Becky have separated. I expect he was thinking more about that than the danger.”

Ed was taken aback. Of all the couples he knew, he would have said that Adam and Becky were the least likely to have marital difficulties. “I sure am sad to hear that, Ben. It would explain his behaviour during the day, but I’m telling you he didn’t want to avoid those logs. You’d best look after him, don’t know what he mightn’t do.”

Ben put his hand on Ed’s shoulder and turned to face him. “Thanks Ed. Thanks for looking out for Adam, and for your concern.”

Ed nodded and went to the bunkhouse, leaving Ben leaning on the corral fence, deep in thought. He could understand Adam being upset at the separation from Becky, but did he really intend for the logs to kill him? There was no point in talking to Adam about it, he would deny everything. Perhaps Ed was wrong. His son was too sensible to throw his life away, wasn’t he? Surely it was simply whatever argument he had had with his wife that caused a momentary lapse in his concentration, and once Adam sorted that out, hopefully by repairing the split with Becky, he would carry on as normal.

Ben wandered slowly back to the house. He had decided that he would watch Adam carefully for signs of trouble.

Adam was in his room lying on his bed, thinking back over the day. Deep inside, he was frightened. He knew that he had intended the logs to kill him, and that he had not made the conscious decision to do so. He gripped the covers fiercely, this was what Valerie had done to him by her scheming, and Becky had done by her dismissal of him. He couldn’t fight both of them, but he had to do something. He never wanted to see Valerie again, but he desperately wanted Becky. He would have to go and see her, but perhaps it was too soon. He would give her time to think over what he had told her. Maybe she would send word that she wanted to see him, and if not he would go to her in a few days. Until then, he would wait, careful to be aware of what might happen if he let his mind wander.

That night his troubled dreams were filled with images of Valerie and Becky. Valerie was trying to claim him, and Becky was pushing him towards her. Adam cried out as Valerie held his arms, preventing him from reaching Becky.

He woke with Joe’s hand on his shoulder, shaking him. “Adam, wake up, you were dreaming.”

Adam blinked at his brother as the dream faded away. “I’m sorry. I didn’t mean to wake you.”

Joe sat on the side of the bed, looking down at his brother’s pale, perspiration covered face. “Don’t worry about it, I wasn’t asleep. Do you want to tell me about it?”

“No. It was just a dream, its gone now, go back to bed.”

“You’re sure you’re all right?” Joe knew that Adam didn’t often suffer from nightmares. They were usually caused by something unsettling in one’s life, and his brother could handle most things that life threw his way. But this rift with Becky was different.

“Yes, I’m fine.” Adam assured him. Joe left with a backward glance, worried for his brother.

Adam lay for a long time, staring at the ceiling. He smiled inwardly to himself as he thought that he really ought to paint some pictures on that ceiling, it would give him something to look at. Then he turned up the lamp and lay reading. Eventually he heard his family stir, and the early morning sounds of preparations for the day. He ignored the temptation to get up, until the sounds had disappeared.

He came down late for breakfast in order to avoid the curiosity of his family. He had decided to take his father’s advice and have a quiet day. But after two hours of prowling the house, unable to settle, he picked up his hat and the old gun belt that Caleb had given him, and went for a ride.

The forest was quiet as he rode through its dark, lonely depths, and the smell of the pines filled his nostrils. He breathed deeply, relishing the aroma of freedom. Freedom to come and go as he would, freedom from want, and need, and persecution. How many people could say that? He knew he was fortunate in his life and he was grateful for it, never taking it for granted. He stopped Fiddler, and just sat, letting the peace around him sink into his soul. But then his thoughts turned inwards and anger rose in him. Two women had taken his peace and torn it to shreds. One through hurt, and one through… what… loneliness? One he could forgive, the other, never.

Adam kicked Fiddler into a gallop and rode hard, letting the wind blow away his anger. He pulled up, feeling better for the exertion, then he remembered hearing Hoss say that he was going to check on some fences, and decided to join him. He found his brother at the edge of the south section, digging postholes. Hoss stopped and straightened as he heard a horse approach, but was surprised to see his elder brother. Adam unbuckled his gun belt and hung it on his saddle horn, then picked up a pair of pliers, preparing to restring the wire between the posts that Hoss had already placed in position.

They worked silently, until Hoss called a halt for some refreshment. He went over to where Adam was working and sat on the ground, with a pack of sandwiches and his canteen. Adam took no notice of him, but continued working.

“Hey, Adam. Stop for a spell. Have a drink at least.”

Adam threw down the pliers and taking his own canteen in his hand, sat down. They stayed unspeaking but comfortable together, for some minutes.

“You wanna talk about it?” asked Hoss, not looking at Adam, who was staring off into the distance, his thoughts as far away as the distant mountains.

“No.”

“Adam, sometimes it helps you know.” Hoss put out his hand to touch Adam’s shoulder. He could feel the tenseness in the muscles under the black shirt.

Adam turned his head to study his brother’s face, seeing only goodness there. He tried to imagine Hoss as malevolent, but the image was so far removed from reality that he found it impossible. Again, he considered the fine line between good and evil. What makes one person kind and generous, as Hoss was, and another evil and scheming? Was it simply a person’s nature, or was it life that turned the virtuous wicked? He remembered his uncharacteristic action, when he was driven to hit Valerie; and he admitted to himself that she had not robbed him. He decided that probably no one was totally good, or totally evil.

“Hoss, I can’t talk about it now. I need to sort out some things for myself first. But thank you.” He took another pull at the canteen, then rose and went back to work.

As the sun passed its midday height, the day became hot and both men stripped off their shirts. It had been Adam’s habit to keep his shirtsleeves rolled up on his forearms, but since his return he had kept them buttoned. Now Hoss could see the bandage on his arm.

“What happened?” he asked curiously.

Adam stared down at his arm, not answering. He shut his eyes and took a deep breath. Hoss noticed, and came over to his brother, taking both shoulders in his strong grip. He waited until Adam looked up at him.

“Adam, tell me. How did you hurt your arm?” Hoss asked, concerned.

Inexplicably, Hoss saw a look of relief cross Adam’s face.

“Oh, this?” Adam said, raising his arm. “A fight in a saloon. The man caught me with his knife.”

Hoss stood back, letting go of Adam’s shoulders. “I thought that you was always supposed to set me an’ Joe a good example!” Hoss laughed, remembering his youth and the lectures about brawling that he got from his elder brother.

The look of relief on Adam’s face changed abruptly to something altogether darker. “Yeah, well times change.” Adam turned away and went back to stringing the wire. Hoss watched him, a frown on his face, as he saw how Adam threw himself into the work, careless of the pointed barbs. At the end of half an hour, he noticed that Adam’s left hand was covered in blood, and he went over to him. Hoss stopped Adam working by the simple expedient of taking hold of both his wrists. Adam resisted, but finally gave up struggling against his brother’s superior strength.

“For Heaven’s sake Adam, what’s got into you, look what you’ve done.”

Adam glanced down at his hand, seeing for the first time the damage he had caused.

Hoss waited until Adam raised his head, then spoke again, pleading with his brother for information. “Tell me what happened. It must have been something while you were away, you didn’t have time when you got back, what was it?”

Hoss saw a pained expression cross Adam’s face as he opened his mouth to speak. At first, no words came, then he shook his head. “I can’t.” Then again, softer but insistent, “I can’t.” The shame of what he had done overwhelmed him. He pulled away and went to pick up his shirt, which he put on, wiping his hands on the tails before tucking them into his pants. He silently mounted Fiddler and rode off.

Hoss watched him go, and then retrieved his own shirt. He headed back home; he had to find his father, to tell him what had occurred.

Adam rode blindly until he came to a narrow, fast flowing river, where he dismounted and bathed his hand. He looked into the river, clean and clear, and put his other hand into the icy cold water, then he immersed his arms up to the shoulders. Slowly he lowered his whole body into the water, letting it flow over him, losing himself in the cold current, as it washed away his wrongdoing. Suddenly he became aware that he was sinking, and remembering what he had been tempted to do at the logging camp, he reluctantly made his way back to the bank.

He sat beside the water, watching the sparks of sunlight that were thrown off it as it leaped over the rocks in the riverbed, trying to make his mind concentrate on them and block out all other thoughts, but as his clothes dried on him, he felt his memories return; apparently, they couldn’t be washed away so easily. He looked at his hand and was satisfied that the cuts were sealed, so he mounted and rode slowly homeward. He passed, without looking, the turnoff that would have taken him to his own home and Becky, continuing instead straight on towards the house he would again learn to call ‘home’.

Ben had been into Virginia City, and when he returned Hoss told him of what Adam had done. Ben was worried, it looked as though Ed had been correct. If Adam let himself get hurt, apparently without even noticing, was he safe to be alone about the ranch? But he was a grown man, his family couldn’t spend their lives guarding him, and Adam wouldn’t stand for it.

Supper appeared on the table at the same time that Adam came through the front door. Ben intercepted him as he made his way to the stairs, and put his hand on his son’s shoulder. “Adam, come and have some supper.”

“No thanks, Pa, I’m not that hungry.” Adam made to turn away, but Ben held him, strengthening his grip.

“That wasn’t an invitation, it was an order.” Ben insisted. Adam paused for a moment, considering the consequences of any reaction. He nodded and followed Ben, taking his once accustomed place opposite his father, who sat at the head of the table. Hoss, Joe and Alice were already seated and greeted Adam with smiles. He returned their looks, unsmiling, and as the conversation flowed back and forth, he pushed his food around his plate, occasionally taking a small mouthful so as to appear to be eating.

As soon as he could, Adam left the table and retired to his room. The family used the time at the end of the day to sit, talking. It was usually the only chance they would have to be together, if they had not met at breakfast. Adam could not sit there pretending to a normality that he did not feel, and his silent presence would disturb them.

There was a quiet knock on his bedroom door, which Adam knew he should not ignore.

“Come in,” he responded. Ben came through the door, shutting it solidly behind him. As Adam looked up, he saw that his father had a parcel in one hand, strips of cloth in the other.

Ben held out the package. “I got this for you today, when I was in town.”

Adam stood and took the heavy parcel, searching his father’s face for a clue to its contents. Seeing none, he undid the string, allowing the paper to fall to the floor.

“I noticed that you didn’t have yours,” said Ben, as Adam stood staring at the black leather gun belt, complete with Colt revolver. “Where did you get the one you came home with?” Ben hoped that once he could get Adam talking, he might find out the reason for the rift in his son’s marriage.

“Someone gave it to me.”

“Someone just gave you their gun?” asked Ben doubtfully.

“Yes.” Adam’s voice was flat, not encouraging his father’s questions.

“What happened to yours?”

“I…I lost it.”

“You lost it.” Blood from a stone would have been easier, thought Ben. He continued to probe softly. “Where?”

Adam shook his head. “It doesn’t matter.”

“Adam, a man doesn’t simply lose his gun.”

“Well, I did.” Adam turned away. He was touched by the gift, and the love behind it, but he couldn’t bring himself to tell his father what had happened to its predecessor. He felt Ben standing close behind him.

“Son, let me take a look at your arm.” Ben reached round Adam and took hold of his left wrist. Adam was about to pull away, to tell his father to stop interfering, then he relaxed and sat on the bed, while Ben unwrapped the bandage. Adam was surprised when he saw the wound was still open. He remembered that when he was with Valerie it had felt so much better, and he had thought that, while it was still painful, it must be on the way to being healed. When Ben saw the gash, red with spots of blood oozing down its length, he looked at Adam, waiting for an explanation.

“I got into a fight, in a saloon.”

“What happened?” Ben brought a bowl of water from the washstand and started to bathe the cut. Adam didn’t move, letting his father tend to him.

“It was nothing really, just a jealous cowhand. The sheriff took care of him.”

“And who took care of you?” Ben could see that the arm was still slightly swollen, an unmistakeable sign of past infection.

“The town doctor bandaged it.”

“What happened to the cow punch?”

“Nothing. I decided that it wasn’t worth the bother of pressing charges. It would have meant staying there while they set up a trial. I just wanted to be on my way.”

“What about the infection?” Ben felt Adam’s muscles tense beneath his hand.

“What infection?” Adam eyed Ben suspiciously.

“Son, I’m not blind, I can see that this wound is deep and has hardly started to heal. How long ago did it happen?”

Adam spoke softly, to take from his words any suggestion of annoyance. “Pa, leave it. I know what you’re doing and I appreciate it, but I really don’t want to talk about it. I just want to forget it.”

Ben glanced up, and then returned his attention to his work. He had efficiently dealt with Adam’s arm and had started on his son’s damaged hand. “That seems to be easier said than done,” he observed wryly.

“It is.” Adam agreed solemnly. When Ben had finished, Adam cradled his throbbing left arm with his right, watching as the older man put the bowl back on the washstand and came to sit on the bed beside him.

“Adam, I’m trying to help, but I can’t if you won’t tell me.”

“That’s because no one can help.” Adam shook his head sadly. “What’s done is done, and nothing’s going to change it.”

Ben gave up, knowing that he would not get anything else from his determined offspring. He stood, preparing to leave. “I’m going to get Paul to have a look at your arm. I don’t want you away from the house until it’s healed,” he commanded.

Adam rose to his feet, angry at his father’s interference. “Pa, I’m not a child, you can’t confine me to the ranch as though I were ten years old.”

“No, I can’t.” Ben retaliated. “But I had hoped that you would have more sense than a ten year old.”

Adam didn’t reply, afraid that his anger would get the better of him and he might say something he would regret. He knew that his father was simply concerned for him.

Ben took a step towards him, and spoke softly. “Son, I’ll be honest with you. I’m worried about you when you can do something like that without even knowing it.” Ben nodded towards Adam’s hand. “I know that you have a problem, that much is obvious, and that you like to deal with these things in your own way. I’ll respect that and will not ask you about it again, but please do as I say. Any solution you are looking for will not be made easier to find if that gets infected again,” said Ben pointing to the bandaged arm.

Adam relented. “OK, anything you say.”

Ben nodded, satisfied, and left.
Chapter Four

In the quiet depths of the night, Adam’s dreams came again. He was riding through the pine forests of the ranch. At first, all seemed normal and some semi-conscious corner of his mind was surprised at the serenity of the scene of which he was part, then the nightmare took over. Becky stood in his path, facing him and smiling. He was about to call out to greet her, pleased that she looked happy to see him. Then he felt himself kick his horse into motion, heading straight at her. The horse caught her and threw her into the air, where she turned into a bird, an eagle with talons the size of daggers. She swept down, attacking him. He put up his left arm to defend his face and the talons tore into his already injured arm, tearing off the bandage and ripping great furrows through the flesh. Adam cried out, and finding that he was now on foot, he ran. But as he ran, he saw Valerie standing in front of him, holding out her arms, and beckoning to him. He was almost within her grasp when he stopped, irresolute. The eagle swooped again, catching his face with its talons as he looked up. He turned aside and headed into the forest until he realised that he was lost. He kept running blindly, not noticing the ravine in front of him. Then suddenly he was falling, and woke with a start.

He lay breathing heavily, sweat standing out on his face and body. As he reached out with his right hand to turn up the lamp beside the bed, he saw that his fingers were blood stained. He stared at them for a moment then looked at his left arm, which was throbbing painfully. The bandage had been torn away and the cut was bleeding profusely. Adam sat up, startled. He stared at the damage and knew there was only one way that it could have been caused. He got out of bed and went to the washstand, where he reluctantly looked in the mirror. Sure enough, down his right cheek he could see two livid red parallel lines. He raised his fingers to his face and slowly matched them to the marks, feeling the slightly raised welts. He shuddered as he realised what he had done. He washed off the blood from his arm, replaced the bandage, and then sat down on the side of the bed, shaking. He had done this to himself because of a dream!

He dressed slowly and made his way quietly downstairs. As he had the night before, he stoked up the fire and settled himself on the table. He glanced round at the grandfather clock beside the front door. It was only half past one, there was still much of the night left. He knew that he should return to bed, but then thought of what might happen if he slept. Suppose that in his dreams Valerie, or Becky, tried to kill him, would he be driven to take his own life? He turned and looked longingly at the small table beside the staircase, with its decanters of whiskey and brandy. He could drink himself into dreamless sleep, no one would know. He rose, approaching the table thoughtfully. He put his hand on the brandy decanter, but then took a deep breath and let his hand drop to his side. No, he would know, and he was determined that he was not going to go down that road.

He went to the kitchen to make some coffee, then sat drinking it, staring into the fire. He thought about Joe’s upcoming marriage, and how desperately he wanted his own marriage back in one piece. He decided that he would go and see Becky without delay. She might not want to talk to him but he had to try, he wasn’t going to just walk away without a fight, and he knew it was the only way that he was ever going to be able to sleep peacefully. Once he was certain that the dream was cleared from his mind, he went back upstairs to his room.

In the morning when he woke, he could not remember having dreamed again during the night. He knew that the positive decision he had made, to go and see Becky immediately, had laid to rest some of the reasons for his nightmares. He wanted to look his best when he saw Becky, so he shaved and dressed carefully in his usual black shirt and pants, then he went downstairs, where the rest of the family were already seated for breakfast.

Ben was delighted that Adam was joining them willingly for a meal, and thought that he seemed brighter. “Good morning, son, did you sleep well?” Ben enquired, thinking perhaps that was the reason for his son’s happier countenance.

“No,” Adam stated, not elaborating, but not seeming upset by the fact. He sat down and helped himself to a plate of eggs, bacon and biscuits. He didn’t use his left arm any more than he had to. His nocturnal attack on it had made the muscle stiff and painful.

“Well,” said Hoss, “your appetite seems to have improved.”

“No point in starving,” Adam observed, tucking into his meal.

Ben and Alice exchanged relieved glances, it seemed as though Adam was putting behind him whatever it was that had occurred. The chatter round the table was light hearted, and while Adam did not join in, Ben could see that he was more relaxed.

Joe turned to Adam. “Hoss told me that you helped him with the fences yesterday. How about coming and breaking a few horses for me today?”

Adam finished his mouthful and took a sip of coffee before replying. “Not today, Pa’s confined me to the house.” Adam smiled at his father.

Joe looked downcast. “I wish he’d do that to me. Some of those horses are downright mean.”

“Joe, you know you love it,” Adam observed lightly. “There’s no need for you to be doing it if you didn’t want to.”

“You’re right.” Joe stood. “And I’d better be getting on with it, or I’ll never make it back in time for supper.”

“And that fencing ain’t finished yet.” Hoss followed Joe out of the door.

Ben got to his feet calling after Hoss. “Just a minute, I want to ask you something.” He hurried after his son, leaving Adam and Alice alone at the table.

“What happened to your face?” Alice always came straight to the point when she had something to say. She had noticed the marks, which had not been there the night before.

“Nothing, don’t worry about it.”

“And I suppose nothing happened to your arm at the same time. You have hardly used it this morning.”

Adam picked up his coffee and went to sit on the sofa. Alice followed him.

“Adam, tell me,” she said sternly.

He had always found it difficult to resist Alice, particularly when she was this determined. He explained about his dream and the result of it.

“Adam, what happened while you were away, why did Becky ask you to leave?”

Adam looked at her for a long time, considering. “If I tell you, you must promise not to tell Pa.”

Over the many years that she had known him, Adam had always kept his problems to himself, rarely sharing them until he had a solution. Sometimes the route to that solution was a difficult and rocky one, but he would not give up before he found it. Now it seemed that he was willing to talk, and while Alice was uncertain about keeping things from Ben, if that was the only way to get him to tell her, then she would respect his wishes. “Of course I promise, but why not tell him?”

“Because people always say that Pa and I are very much alike.” Adam smiled thinly at Alice. “Both of us are stubborn and determined, but we care about our family. But I did something that Pa could never do, and he would be ashamed of me if he knew.”

Alice was taken aback at his words, she could not imagine Ben ever being ashamed of his beloved eldest son. “Go on,” she encouraged him.

“I was unfaithful to Becky.”

The words hung in the air between them. Alice was speechless at Adam’s confession. She couldn’t imagine him doing such a thing.

“Why?” she asked.

Adam explained what had happened while he was with Valerie, and his part in it. Alice was shocked.

“I can see why you don’t want your father to know,” she said thoughtfully.

He tried to justify his actions. “I didn’t know what I was doing, I was drunk, I would never have done it knowingly.”

“But how could you?” Alice knew it was so far out of character for Adam to have done such a thing.

Adam interpreted the look in Alice’s eyes as disappointment, and wished that he had said nothing. He stood and started to pace in front of her. “I shouldn’t have told you, I’m sorry.” He was sorry that he had gone down in her estimation.

“Don’t be silly, you should have told me before.” Alice rose and stopped Adam pacing by taking hold of his arms. She waited until he looked at her. “I meant that there has to be more to it. I can’t believe that you would do it even if you were drunk.”

Adam shook his head. “I’ve told you exactly what happened, and how, there is no more to tell. I did it, and I will never forgive myself for hurting Becky. But I didn’t do it knowingly.” He took a deep breath and turned away from Alice. “I’ve decided to go and see Becky. I don’t know if she will talk to me, but I have to do something, I can’t go on like this.”

“Of course, you must see her, try to explain it to her again. I’m sure that now she has had time to think about it, she will think as I do, that you wouldn’t have done it deliberately. Would you like me to come with you?” Alice offered. Adam turned back to face her, and then shook his head.

“If it works out there’s no need, and if it doesn’t I don’t think it will make any difference. But you could persuade Pa to let me leave the ranch,” he laughed without humour.

Alice nodded. “I’m sure he will let you go, and if he tries to stop you he will have me to answer to. But I think you should let me come with you. I can take the children for a ride. It will give you and Becky time to talk.”

Adam agreed, and they went together to find Becky. Adam rode towards his house with a certain amount of trepidation. Usually he would have a plan of action for such a meeting. But this time he purposefully hadn’t thought about what he was going to say, so much depended on Becky’s reaction when she saw him, and his words had to come from his heart, not his head.

Alice sat in the buggy while Adam went up the steps towards the front door. She could see him hesitate before he knocked. Then he straightened his back and rapped firmly on the wood.

A minute later Becky stood in the open doorway. The look on her face was first one of surprise, then wariness.

“Adam, I didn’t expect to see you here.” She looked over his shoulder and saw Alice. “What’s this, reinforcements?”

“Alice is going to take the children out in the buggy,” he stated calmly. “Would you go and get them, please.” His calmness was tinged with firmness, and Becky turned back into the house, where she rounded up the children and led them outside. Adam bent down and picked up his younger daughter.

“Dada, wanna play.” Little Alice put her arms round Adam’s neck, holding him tightly.

“I know, darling, but for now I want you to go with Grandma. Perhaps we can play later.” Adam swallowed a lump that had appeared in his throat. He put Alice down and led her by the hand towards the buggy, followed by Josh and Elizabeth, who had slipped her hand into her father’s.

Adam lifted Alice onto the seat, her face downcast at having to leave. “Dada, love you.”

Adam had to resist the urge to take her in his arms, that wasn’t why he was here. Instead, he kissed her on the top of her head and told them all to be good for Grandma.

“We’ll be about an hour,” Alice informed him. That should give him plenty of time to make amends, she thought. Then she drove off, waving to them, sending them silent good wishes.

Becky led the way into the parlour, where she stopped and turned to face him.

“Well,” she said, waiting.

“Becky, we must talk. I don’t want it to end like this. I’m not prepared to stand by and see our marriage thrown away.” Adam had a determined look on his face that Becky recognised, but she was not going to be intimidated by it.

“I’m listening.” Becky had thought long over what Adam had told her, and she was slowly coming to the conclusion that perhaps she had been unfair to him. But she still had the feeling that he could have prevented what happened, that he had not been a totally unwilling partner.

“Becky, do you remember when you came home and found me kissing Andrea?”

Becky nodded, recalling the time before they were married. Her sister had manoeuvred Adam into a compromising situation, without his knowing it. He was recovering from a skull fracture, and due to exhaustion was barely conscious and totally unaware that Andrea was kissing him.

When he saw Becky nod, Adam continued, spreading his arms in supplication. “Why can’t you believe me now, like you did then?”

“You expect me to believe that the same thing could happen twice. I’m beginning to wonder just how much of an innocent party you were then.”

Adam was shocked and his voice rose, hurt and angry. “Becky! Andrea admitted what she had done, and how she tried to drive us apart. You know that.” He stopped. Shouting at Becky was not the way to get her back. He continued more quietly. “Valerie was a bitter, lonely woman who saw her chance and took it. She engineered the whole thing. She must have got me so drunk that I had no idea what she was doing, or what I was doing.”

He took a hesitant step towards Becky, and when she didn’t back away, he took another, and then another, until he was standing in front of her. He reached out and took her shoulders tenderly in his hands, looking down at her. He spoke softly. “When I was…with Valerie, it was you I saw laying beside me, it was you I thought that I had in my arms, not her. I could see you clearly. It was very real at the time, I thought that you were really there, and I was overjoyed to have you so close.”

Becky looked deep into his eyes and he didn’t look away, wanting her to see that he was telling the truth, to believe in her heart the things he was saying.

She put her head on his shoulder as her arms went round his waist. “Oh, Adam, I want to believe you, but you can see how I feel, can’t you?”

He put his arms round her, treasuring being this close to his wife once more. “Of course. I don’t expect you to ignore what has happened. I can’t, and it’s tearing me apart inside, knowing what I did, and how I must have hurt you. I would never do that deliberately. All I ask is that you try to understand. I’m not looking for forgiveness, only understanding.”

“Adam, I do understand.” She lifted her head to look at him, a smile playing at the corners of her mouth. “If you hadn’t come here today I was going to send for you.”

Adam looked at her, surprised and pleased. “You were?”

“Yes. I know my husband very well after all these years. I know you would never deliberately set out to hurt me. I also know that you could have come home and not said anything about what happened. You didn’t have to tell me.”

“I did think about it.” Adam smiled, knowing that had never really been an option.

“It was the shock, you see. Hearing you say it. Can you forgive me for not believing you?”

Adam didn’t speak, just bent his head, and kissed her. He wanted to be gentle, but passion gripped him and his kiss was hard and long. He held her, as a drowning man would grasp a floating log, as though his very life depended on it. He felt her body melt against his and said a silent prayer of thanks that he had got back the woman that he loved so deeply. They were still standing, embracing, when Alice returned. They went out of the house together, their arms around each other.

Alice smiled as she saw they were happy. “Well, I can see that my time has been well spent.”

Becky smiled up at her husband. “Yes it has, very well.” She looked at her mother-in-law. “I’m grateful to you. Won’t you come in?” she invited.

Alice looked at the pair of them standing beside the buggy, and shook her head. “No, and I think that we might go into town for some lunch.” She turned to the children, sitting quietly beside her. “Would you like that? Maybe we can find some ice cream.”

Little Alice’s eyes lit up at the prospect and Josh and Elizabeth agreed eagerly. Alice drove off leaving Adam and Becky waving after them.

“Well,” said Becky. “What shall we do in the meantime?” She didn’t wait for an answer, but turned, led Adam into the house, and pulled him by the hand up the stairs to their bedroom. Becky was breathless with anticipation as she lay with Adam beside her. She turned towards him and stroked her hand slowly over his back, her fingers playing up and down his spine.

She had wanted this moment ever since she saw him ride in after his trip. Then, after his revelations, she thought that it would never come, but now that it had, she was savouring every second. Just to have him touch her was a joy she thought she might have lost forever.

Suddenly Adam rolled over, turning his back on her.

“What is it, what’s wrong?” Becky asked anxiously, reaching out to put her hand on his shoulder.

Adam shrugged off the hand, and slipped from between the sheets to sit on the side of the bed.

“I can’t do this. I’m sorry.” He put his head in his hands, breathing fast and hard.

Becky got out of the other side of the bed, and after putting on her robe, she came to sit beside him. As she slipped a hand over his shoulders, she could feel him trembling. Adam closed his eyes, squeezing them shut, trying to wipe out the images he saw. He stood and silently dressed while Becky watched him, understanding dawning slowly.

“She’s still there isn’t she?” Becky asked.

Adam nodded, not trusting himself to speak, because if he did it would all come pouring out. His anger and his hatred, both directed at Valerie, and his shame and loathing for himself, for the things he had allowed to happen.

“Come and lie down.” Becky took his unresisting hand and made him lie on the bed, then she leant down and kissed him gently on the forehead. “I’m going to make you some coffee, then we’ll talk.” She disappeared and Adam lay gazing after her, then he covered his eyes with his arm.

“Dear God, what have you done to me?” he whispered hopelessly. He knew that Valerie had driven a wedge between him and Becky. Not perhaps as she had intended, but it was there all the same.

Becky returned, holding a tray with coffee pot, cups and sandwiches. She sat down beside Adam, placing the tray between them, keeping her distance, not wanting to crowd him, though she desperately wanted to be close to him. She poured them both a cup of coffee, and then settled back against the headboard, waiting for him to speak.

Adam knew he had to say something to explain his reaction. He sat up and stared into the cup he was holding, then looked up into his wife’s eyes.

“Becky, first let me say that I love you, you know that don’t you?”

Becky nodded. “Yes, of course.”

“When I held you, thoughts of Valerie came into my head, thoughts that I couldn’t ignore.” Becky nodded, about to say that she understood, that he didn’t need to explain. But he continued before she could speak, taking her hand in his. “When you were in my arms, I remembered the vision I had of holding you, only to find that it was Valerie I had been holding. You seemed as real to me then as you do now. I was afraid that I was going to wake and find that it had happened again. I couldn’t risk that.” Adam’s eyes glazed and he sipped his coffee absently.

Becky put her hand over his. “It’s all right, I do understand. It will take a little time, that’s all. But you will forget. Now that you are back home I can help you put those memories where they belong, in the past.”

“Becky, I want you more than you can know, but…”

“Hush, now. Will you just hold me?”

Adam moved the tray aside and slid across the bed. He took Becky in his arms and she put her head on his shoulder, relishing his embrace. They stayed like that for a long time, not speaking, only needing to be close. Gradually they eased themselves down the bed until they were laying together peacefully, arms wrapped round each other.

They stirred as they heard the sound of a horse pulling up outside. Adam went down and found Paul Martin at the front door.

“Your father told me about your arm. You weren’t at the Ponderosa, so I came here.” Paul entered behind Adam. “Let me take a look at it.”

Adam was reluctant. “Paul, it’s fine. Pa shouldn’t have troubled you.”

“Well, I’m here now, so how about you let me have a look?”

Adam sat down at the kitchen table, and quietly seethed at the fuss his father was making over something that didn’t concern him.

Paul noticed his reaction, but for the moment said nothing about it. He uncovered the wound. “I would have stitched that,” Paul observed.

“Yes, but then you weren’t there,” Adam said shortly.

The doctor glanced up at his patient. “Do you want to tell me about it?” he asked, continuing to work on treating the wound. Adam was about to shake his head, when Paul continued. “Adam, as your doctor you know that anything you say to me will be treated in the strictest confidence.”

Adam looked thoughtfully at his friend. “Well, there might be something you can do for me.” Adam explained to him briefly what had happened, first with Valerie and just now with Becky. “So I was wondering if there is anything you know of that could help me to get over this feeling, that Valerie might be with me instead of Becky.”

At that moment, Becky joined them and sat down beside her husband, wincing as she saw for the first time the injury to his arm. As Paul finished tying the bandage, he looked at them both, considering.

“Adam, tell me again what happened, but in as much detail as you can. It is important that I know as much as possible, if I’m going to be able to help you.”

Adam looked reluctant, but with encouragement from Becky, told his story. As it came out, Becky took his hand and held it tightly, reassuring him. When he had finished, Paul sat and thought over what he had heard.

“From what you say, I would certainly agree that Valerie was unbalanced to some degree. You say you think you were drunk?” Adam nodded. “You’ve been drunk before, has it ever made you feel like that? And have you ever been that drunk and not felt it the following day? You should at the very least have had a splitting headache.”

Adam thought back. “No, I felt weak and light headed.” he said, wondering where the questions were leading.

“Tell me again what she fed you, and gave you to drink.”

“Well, I didn’t eat much, but I drank a lot of coffee. It wasn’t that good, strong and bitter, but I couldn’t stomach anything else, and it did make me feel better.”

“Did she encourage you to drink it?”

Adam shrugged. “I suppose so. She gave it to me because I couldn’t eat, I felt nauseous most of the time. Why?”

Paul ran over in his mind the details that Adam had given him. “Adam, I don’t think that you need to feel guilty about what you did.” Adam was about to speak, but Paul held up his hand. “Wait, let me finish. You say that your arms and legs felt heavy, you were unable to eat, were tired all the time, and thought that your arm was better.” Adam nodded. “I think that what Valerie was doing was feeding you small doses of laudanum. That would account for the bitterness of the coffee, and all your other symptoms match the effects it would have. After four days of that, I very much doubt if you knew what you were doing. Then she gave you the whiskey as well. That would have been the final straw. One of the most common effects of laudanum in small quantities is a heightened imagination. A lot of writers and artists use it. It is quite possible that you believed Becky was beside you, you would have been able to feel her and touch her, and know it was real. You would have had no way of telling it was an illusion.”

Adam sat stunned. Could it be true that he had acted entirely innocently, that he hadn’t simply been drunk? Had Valerie’s scheming extended to slowly poisoning him into doing what he did? He turned to Becky, seeing the same look of hope in her eyes.

He turned back to the doctor. “Paul, are you sure?”

“As sure as I can be, from what you told me.”

“Then that means…” Adam was unable to continue in the face of the enormity of what he was hearing.

“Yes, it means that it won’t happen again. Right now, you must realise that what you see and feel, is what you can actually see and feel. When Becky is beside you, you will know it is her, nobody else.”

Becky turned Adam towards her and held him tightly. “My darling, that’s it, don’t you see. You weren’t unfaithful, because you couldn’t have known that it wasn’t me you were with. Let this release you from Valerie and the memory of what she did.”

Adam turned to the doctor. “Paul I can’t tell you how grateful I am. I’m only sorry that I didn’t speak to you about it before.”

“Why should you?” Paul asked reasonably. “You had no reason to think that what happened was not caused by the drink alone. But Adam, let this be a lesson to you. You might have spared yourself and Becky a lot of heart ache if you had talked to me sooner. I know that this would have been difficult to confide to your father, but I’m always there to talk things over when you need to. I meant what I said, anything you tell me, whether it’s of a medical nature or not, will go no further, remember that.” Paul stood. “I must be going. I have some genuine patients to look after. I’ll leave you two alone. I’m sure that you have better things to do than sit here talking to me.” He grinned at both of them and shut the front door quietly behind him.

Becky and Adam stood staring at each other, then Becky laughed out loud. “Do you want to give it another try?”

Adam’s face became an unreadable mask. He was thinking of what Valerie had put him through, and what he had done to himself by believing that he had been drunk. Despite Paul’s assurance, Adam knew it would take time to rid himself of the guilt he felt, but it was a beginning. He’d only needed to speak to Paul to discover the truth. Would he be able to confide in the doctor next time he needed to? Adam shook his head; he knew that a lifetime of keeping things to himself couldn’t be set aside so easily.

Becky saw him shake his head and was worried that she had spoken too quickly. “It’s all right, we don’t have to. We can just sit quietly until Alice gets back with the children. I expect it will take you a while to get used to the idea that it was not in any way your fault.”

Adam looked at her, and smiled. “I was thinking of something else, let’s go.” He took her hand and led her upstairs.

When Alice returned she searched the house until she came to the bedroom. She knocked quietly and opened the door. There she saw Becky sitting up against the headboard, Adam’s head cradled in her lap. He was asleep, and Becky put her finger to her lips, warning Alice to be quiet. Alice nodded, smiling, and went back downstairs to look after the children.

Becky shook Adam gently and he woke, slowly remembering where he was. He sighed deeply, knowing that it was Becky that held him and he was grateful, both for her presence and for the dreamless sleep she had given him by welcoming him back.

Adam went downstairs and was soon followed by Becky. They found Alice sitting on the veranda watching the children play. They were both full of apologies.

“Please, my dears, I’m fine. The children are quite happy, especially when I told them that their father was home.” She smiled at them, reassuring them and herself that things were getting back to normal.
Chapter Five

Matilda Smith was making her regular weekly visit to the general store to stock up on the food she would need for the hungry patrons who came to the saloon because of her fine cooking. She had nearly finished her purchases and was passing the time of day with Mrs. Swenson, the wife of the proprietor. They both looked round as a young woman came in. They observed her plain clothing, a grey wool skirt topped by a cream linen blouse. Then they noticed her long flaxen hair and striking blue eyes.

Mrs. Swenson called for her husband to attend to the newcomer, and then the ladies resumed their talk. Matilda stopped speaking as she heard the young woman chatting to Mr. Swenson.

“Yes, I’m going to Virginia City. To visit a friend,” the woman said.

Matilda turned to her. “I have friends in Virginia City, perhaps I know them.”

The newcomer smiled condescendingly. “Oh, I shouldn’t think so, they are the biggest landowners in Nevada Territory. I am a friend of the eldest son.” The smile left her face as she added, “Or I was.”

“Oh dear, what happened?” Matilda was all ears. Anything to do with Adam interested her after his visit to them, and the condition in which he arrived.

“He walked out on me.”

“I’m so sorry, Miss…”

“Mrs. Mrs. Valerie Mackinnon.”

Matilda held out her hand, studying the woman. ‘Valerie’ was a name that she had heard Adam cry out in his sleep. “Matilda Smith. You mean that he just up and left you. Why, that’s awful,” said Matilda encouraging Valerie to talk.

“And after I’d taken him in and nursed him back to health.” Valerie was filled with righteous indignation.

“Men can be so ungrateful. But I always think they are best forgotten, they will only break your heart.” Matilda waited for Valerie’s reaction, and was not disappointed.

“Oh no, I’m not going to forget this one. He’s going to pay for leaving me.” Valerie’s lips were thin with suppressed anger.

“Well, I’m sure you’re right.” Matilda turned to Mrs. Swenson. “I really must be going, good day.”

Matilda left the store and hurried to the telegraph office, from where she sent a message to Virginia City.

**********

Adam was seated at his father’s desk, working out the wages which were payable the following day. All around him was the bustle of preparation for Joe’s wedding, which was to be held in the house. He tried to ignore it and concentrate, but it was hopeless, and he finally gave up.

“I’m going outside until you lot can leave me in peace, even if that means me working all through the night,” he said, laughing at the surprised expressions on the faces of his brothers and stepmother. He poured himself a cup of coffee from the pot that, during the preparations, had become a permanent fixture on the dining table, and took it outside. As he settled himself at the table on the veranda, a rider came in at a gallop, dismounted quickly, and approached Adam who rose to meet him.

“Hi, Nate, what brings you here?” Adam said, putting out his hand to greet the man, who did odd jobs around the town.

Instead of taking Adam’s hand, Nate put a piece of paper in it. Adam looked down curiously, then back to the messenger.

Nate explained. “Frank, at the telegraph office, asked me to bring you this, said it might be urgent.”

Adam passed Nate a couple of coins for his trouble, waved him farewell as he rode off, and went to sit again at the table. He unfolded the paper, and his face paled as he read the words.

‘Valerie coming VC stop get away stop coffee trouble question mark Matilda full stop’

Adam stood and hurried back into the house. Somehow, Matilda had found out about Valerie and guessed the implications. He grabbed his hat and gun belt from behind the door.

“Hey brother, what’s the rush?” asked Joe.

“I’ll explain when I get back. I need to bring Becky and the children here for a few days, will you tell Pa for me?”

“Of course,” said Joe, not understanding.

Adam rode as quickly as he could towards home and ran up the steps into the house, shouting for Becky, who appeared at the top of the stairs.

“Adam, what is it, why all the shouting?”

“Becky get the children ready. You’re all going to the Ponderosa for a few days. Don’t argue, I’ll tell you about it on the way.”

Becky was gone in an instant. She recognised desperation when she saw it. In ten minutes, they had the children loaded in the surrey and were headed towards the Ponderosa.

Adam told Becky about Matilda’s message, and what it might mean if Valerie turned up at their house.

Becky was quiet as she digested the implications. “Adam, you should tell the sheriff.”

“I intend to. But first I want to make sure that you’re all safe.”

“Do you really think she’s dangerous?” Becky asked anxiously.

“I don’t know, but I’m not taking any chances. Becky, that woman is not sane. But you’ll be all right, with Pa and Hoss and Joe to look after you.”

“Where are you going?”

“First to see the sheriff, and then back home.”

“But that’s the first place she’ll look for you.”

Adam stopped, and Becky pulled the surrey to a standstill beside him. He dismounted and indicated with a jerk of his head that they should talk alone, out of the children’s hearing. Becky told Josh to look after his sisters for a minute, then followed Adam a little way into the forest, where they sat together on the soft ground.

Adam looked down at the road, where he could see his children playing round the surrey. He turned to Becky. “I have to be there when she comes. If I’m not she’ll only find me somewhere when I’m not expecting her.”

“But if she’s dangerous, is it safe for you to be alone with her?”

“She doesn’t know that I’m waiting for her, that gives me the advantage.”

“But why don’t you come to the Ponderosa with us. Then your father and brothers will be there to back you up. Please say you’ll come,” entreated Becky. She had been parted from her husband once and didn’t want to be without him again so soon.

Adam shook his head. “No, I won’t put you in danger. I have to do this alone. I can’t explain.”

“Adam you don’t have to explain anything to me,” she assured him.

“I didn’t mean to you. They don’t know.”

Becky nodded in understanding. If Adam met Valerie at the Ponderosa, he would have to tell his father what had happened. She knew that he still couldn’t speak about it to her without feelings of shame and anger, how much worse would it be to tell his father.

She nodded sadly. “All right, if you insist. But promise me that you’ll be careful.”

Adam rose, pulled Becky to her feet, and put his arms tightly round her slim body. “Of course I’ll be careful. Becky, never doubt that you and the children are the most important things in my life, and I will not do anything that might make me lose you.” He gazed at her face thinking that he had come so close to losing them once because of Valerie, and he wasn’t going to risk that again.

They walked back to the surrey, and completed their journey. Ben came out to meet them. “Adam, what’s this all about?”

“Pa, I need them to stay here for a few days.”

“Well, of course they can, but why?” Ben wanted to know.

“Because they won’t be safe at home for a while.”

“Are you staying?”

“No.” Adam drew his father to one side, he felt that he had to give him some explanation. “Pa, you know that when I was away something happened.” He held up his hand, as Ben was about to speak. “I can’t and won’t tell you what, but the person who did it is coming to find me. I don’t know what she wants, but I don’t think it’s just to pass the time of day.”

Ben was incredulous. “She!”

Adam nodded.

Ben put his hands on his hips and blew out his cheeks. “Well, Becky can stay here as long as you like, but don’t you think that one of us ought to go with you.”

“No, this is my problem. It’s all right, she’s only one woman,” Adam said, wondering if he was understating the threat. He drew Ben to one side. “Pa, don’t let them out of your sight, have someone with them all the time. I don’t suppose Valerie will come here, but it’s best to be careful.”

Ben put a hand on his son’s shoulder. “Don’t worry, we’ll look after them.”

Adam nodded his thanks, and after hugging each of the children and kissing Becky, he rode out, headed for Virginia City and the sheriff.

Adam waited for three days, all the time expecting Valerie’s arrival. But when she came, she caught him unprepared.

He was in the kitchen, making himself some lunch, when he heard the sound of a gun being cocked behind him, and a voice that made his blood run cold.

“If I’d known you could cook I’d have hog tied you to keep you from wandering.”

Adam turned towards her. “Hello, Valerie,” he said calmly, then he noticed that it was his gun she was holding, the one he had left behind.

Valerie saw his look and smiled. “Yes, I thought that would be a nice touch. Killed with your own gun.” The smile faded. “Put your hands in your pockets,” she ordered, knowing that would slow him down if he thought about trying anything.

Adam did as he was told. “What now?”

“Now I’m going to make you regret leaving. I loved you, and you ran out on me for another woman, I can’t forgive that, you know.” Valerie’s eyes were wide, and Adam could see the whites surrounding her pupils. He knew then that she was undeniably insane.

“Valerie, that ‘other woman’ happens to be my wife,” Adam said reasonably, trying to keep his voice calm.

“You’re only saying that as an excuse for deserting me.” Valerie’s voice was becoming angry, and Adam could see her finger tighten on the trigger. He was slowly edging sideways towards a knife that was sitting at the edge of the range.

“I didn’t desert you, we were never together.” Another few inches and he could reach the knife.

“No? We had one night of bliss and then you decided that I wasn’t good enough for you.”

“It might have been bliss for you, but not for me.” Adam could feel his anger rising, and took a deep breath to keep it under control.

“Well, if I can’t have you, then neither can she. First, I’m going to kill you and then I’ll find her. I suppose that you’ve hidden her at the Ponderosa.” The look of horror in Adam’s eyes told Valerie that she had guessed right. “There’ll be no ‘happy ever after’ for you,” she informed him.

Adam froze as he thought of Becky, caught unawares because he had not appreciated the depth of Valerie’s madness. He had reached the knife, but before he could grasp it, he saw Valerie’s finger tighten on the trigger. He threw himself sideways as he heard the thunder of a shot. Then he felt the pain in his right leg where the bullet had caught him. He fell to the floor, watching as Valerie advanced towards him, the gun pointed squarely at his heart.

“Say ‘goodbye’ to the world Mr. Adam Cartwright.” As she was about to pull the trigger, thoughts of Becky gave Adam strength. He rose from the floor and lunged at her, pushing her off balance as the gun fired, and the bullet went over his shoulder to bury itself in the wall. Adam grabbed her wrists to prevent her aiming at him again. She fought against him, pushing him sideways into the doorpost. Adam cried out as his injured leg crashed into the wood. She managed to push him away, and he fell through the kitchen door, into the parlour. She followed him and raised the gun, aiming at his head as he struggled back to his feet, leaning on the back of the sofa for support. Adam looked around for some means of defence, but Valerie stayed well out of his reach, and fired again.

Adam felt an explosion in his head and was thrown over the back of the sofa, rolling off the seat and onto the floor. Valerie knelt down to check that she had completed the first step of her revenge, then she heard a horse approaching. She looked at Adam, lying face down on the floor, blood streaming from his head, but he was still alive. She decided she wouldn’t waste time now; when he died, she wanted to be able to savour the moment. She would have to come back to finish him. She ran from the house, mounted her horse, and made off towards the Ponderosa, and Becky.

Sheriff Roy Coffee had heard the gunshots as he approached. He ran into the house, and found Adam on the floor. As he quickly knelt down to assess the damage, Adam moaned and opened his eyes.

“Roy?” Adam murmured, rolling onto his back as memory came flooding back.

“Yes, it’s me. What the devil happened?”

“She was here.” Adam tried to rise, wiping his hand across his face to get rid of the blood that had run into his eyes from the furrow that marked the bullet’s passage across one side of his forehead.

“Now, you just stay there. She’s gone, must have heard me coming.” Roy tried to make Adam lie still, but was pushed aside as Adam got to his knees and then sat heavily on the sofa. He lowered his head into his hands, and he felt every heartbeat pound through his brain as he tried to bring his eyes into focus. “We have to go after her, she’s going to the Ponderosa to kill Becky,” said Adam desperately.

“I’ll go. You’d better stay here, you’re in no shape to go anywhere.”

Adam was insistent, ignoring the sense of what he was being told. “No. Go and saddle my horse, I’m coming.”

Roy didn’t argue, it was just wasting time. He disappeared out of the door while Adam dragged himself into the kitchen, where he found a cloth to bind round his leg. Roy came back and helped him out to his horse, and once mounted, they set off towards the Ponderosa. They travelled fast, Roy staying slightly behind Adam to make sure that he didn’t fall from his horse. Adam rode blindly, the pains from his leg and head blocking out his surroundings. His only thought was to get to Becky, before it was too late.

Valerie had dismounted a little way away from the ranch house and completed her journey on foot. She hid among the trees, waiting to see if there was anybody about, and watched as a figure emerged from the house.

“I’m just going to the barn. Alice will be back soon with the children, stay inside,” Joe called over his shoulder. He strode towards the building opposite and entered its dark interior. Valerie crept silently round the door and raised her gun. Joe collapsed at her feet, out cold. She heard the front door open and saw a woman standing there. Valerie advanced across the yard, and the woman came to meet her.

The two women stood facing each other, Becky’s dress of rich blue contrasting strongly with Valerie’s plain clothing

“You must be Valerie,” said Becky, looking past the unwelcome visitor, hoping to see Joe come out of the barn.

“Must I?”

“Oh I think so, you’re just as Adam described you.” Becky spoke calmly.

“So he told you about me? Well he won’t be saying anything else to you.” Valerie boasted.

“Why not?” Becky held her breath as she waited for the answer

Valerie smiled, knowing how upset Becky would be by the lie she was determined to turn into the truth. “Because he’s dead, that’s why.” She was pleased when she heard the sharp intake of breath from her rival.

Becky stood transfixed as her world collapsed around her. Adam was dead! Becky’s heart went cold, knowing that the light in her life had been extinguished.

“Noooo!” she screamed as she leaped at Valerie. They struggled together neither getting the upper hand, until Valerie managed to point the gun at Becky, who tried to turn it away from her. Suddenly it went off and Valerie stiffened, then slid slowly out of Becky’s hold, onto the ground. Becky stood staring down at her in disbelief.

When she heard Adam call her name, she turned towards him and saw him standing beside his horse, very much alive, but swaying as he stood on one leg and with blood on his face. Becky hadn’t heard them arrive, and she almost fainted with relief, knowing Valerie had lied to her. She rushed towards him, nearly knocking him over as she flung her arms round him.

She looked up at Adam, then at Roy standing beside him, and her voice shook as she spoke. “I think I’ve killed her.”

Roy came to stand beside her, making sure that she was all right. None of them noticed as the supposed dead woman stirred, raised the gun, and fired.

Roy ran to Valerie as she fell back on the ground, laughing. He took the gun from her limp hand as she lapsed into unconsciousness.

Becky looked up into Adam’s eyes. She could drown in those dark pools, she thought, as she felt her legs go weak, and slowly collapsed to the ground, taking Adam with her. He laid her down with infinite gentleness.

“Becky, no!” he whispered.

“It’s all right, my darling, it doesn’t hurt.”

Adam withdrew the hand that had been at Becky’s back and saw that it was covered in blood. “Hold on, we’ll get help. Don’t leave me!” he pleaded. He turned to look up as Roy knelt beside him.

“We should get both of them inside.” Roy suggested.

Adam looked round, but saw no one else near the house who could help. “You take Valerie inside, then give me a hand with Becky,” he ordered the sheriff. Roy carried Valerie into the house and laid her on the sofa, then returned to kneel beside Becky. He watched as Adam put his hands under her shoulders and knees, but then found that he didn’t have the strength to stand. Roy moved him gently aside, lifted Becky easily, and then he took her inside, with Adam limping slowly behind him. As he entered, Adam stood by the sofa, looking down at Valerie. All his emotions told him that he wanted to end her life, but a small voice of sanity told him that he couldn’t. His fists balled as he fought the urge, then he turned to follow Roy up the stairs and into one of the bedrooms.

Roy then went to help Valerie. After a few minutes, he returned to find Adam standing beside the bed, his intense gaze focused on his wife as she lay, hardly breathing.

Roy put his hand on Adam’s arm to get his attention. “I’m going for the doc, I’ll be as quick as I can.” He saw Adam’s hand gripping the butt of his gun as it rested in its holster. “Adam…don’t. It’ll be murder, and you know that I will have to act on that.”

Adam saw where the sheriff’s eyes had rested. “Don’t worry, I’m not going to leave Becky, but I’ll defend her if necessary.” He looked at Roy. “Just get the doc as quick as you can. Please,” he begged as he pulled the covers over Becky, not attempting to undress her. He wasn’t going to move her more until Paul Martin arrived to take care of her. He sat beside the bed, One hand beneath Becky, pressing a towel against the wound to stop the bleeding, the other hand holding Becky’s as he willed her to live.

Becky opened her eyes, blinked several times to try to focus her eyes, and looked at the face of her beloved husband. She tried to take a deep breath, but her face contorted in pain. She took a smaller breath, she had to speak. “Tell the children I love them,” she said softly.

Adam swallowed against the tears that threatened to fall. “You’ll be able to tell them yourself, just hold on.” He tried to keep his voice level, to reassure her, but he was terrified of the outcome of Valerie’s single shot. “I’m here and I’m not going to leave you, and you can’t leave me.” After the frantic ride, he could feel the blood seeping through his pants, and he was in danger of passing out himself, but he was determined that he would stay with Becky as long as she needed him.

Becky looked at the face of the man she worshipped. “I love you. I will always love you, take care of yours…” Becky never finished the sentence as she breathed out. Adam waited for her to take another breath, which after an age, she did. Adam closed his eyes in relief, and a tear escaped down his cheek.

He sat with her, stroking her hair and talking quietly to her, watching the heartbeat at the base of her throat, praying each time she took a breath, that it would not be her last. He was not aware of anything around him, believing that if he stopped concentrating on her, Becky might slip away from him. He did not hear his father and brother ride into the yard below, so he was startled as he felt a hand on his shoulder, and heard his father’s voice beside him.

“Adam, what happened?” Ben saw the blood on Adam’s face, mingled with his tears, and on his leg the rough bandage that was more red than white. He had passed Valerie lying on the sofa and told Hoss to stay with her while he went in search of Becky.

“Valerie,” was all Adam could say, his throat tight with tears. He didn’t take his eyes from Becky, his vigil had to continue, to keep her alive. He could only see his wife lying close to death. What would happen to him if she left him now? Adam shied away from the thought, knowing that it would bring his world to an end.

“Hey, Pa, I found Joe,” Hoss announced as he came into the room supporting his younger brother, who was holding his hand to the back of his head, where Valerie had struck him.

Ben stood and went anxiously to his youngest son. “Are you all right?”

Joe didn’t answer as he took in the sight before him. He looked at his father, but Ben just shook his head, there would be time for explanations later.

Ben turned back to Adam. “Son, you’re hurt, let me take care of you.” Ben tried to lift him from the side of the bed, but Adam shook off the hands.

“No, I won’t leave her,” insisted Adam. Nothing existed in his world but his beloved wife. If he sat there long enough, watching her, he knew that she would be all right, he couldn’t allow himself to believe that she would never again welcome him home or lay beside him, holding him, loving him. Overwhelming emotions made him look at his father. “Paaa!” he cried, as he took a great, shuddering breath. “Oh Pa, what have I done?”

The question broke his father’s heart, his son held himself responsible for the attack. Ben tried to find comforting words. “You did what you have always done, your best. This was not of your making.” Adam shook his head, he knew that was not true. It was all of his making, the terrible result of his eagerness to get home.

As he replied, Adam was almost incoherent through his tears. “But I should have known, I should have been here to protect her.” Suddenly his sobbing stopped, his breath catching in his throat, and his face became very still. Where tears had softened his eyes, now they became hard points of anger. “Who was supposed to be here?” he whispered.

”I was,” admitted Joe.

Adam took two deep breaths, and then threw himself on his brother, striking out blindly, catching Joe on the side of the head, sending him to his knees. Hoss came up behind Adam and wrapped his strong arms round his brother, who struggled desperately to get free. “I’m gonna kill you,” Adam said, his voice low and threatening. “You were supposed to protect her, I tell you I’m gonna kill you.”

“Adam, calm down,” Hoss shouted in his ear, but Adam only had eyes for the man who had failed his wife. He struggled uselessly, shouting threats at Joe, until Hoss felt him go limp, and picked him up and carried him to bed.
Chapter Six

Where before, nightmares had haunted Adam’s dreams, now he woke to the nightmare, and it was reality. He lay with his eyes closed, remembering the last time he had seen Becky, barely alive. What had happened while he had been unconscious? He opened his eyes, but his brain could make no sense of what he saw. The people in the room, and even the room itself didn’t exist. He only knew that he had to find Becky, to see if she still lived. He pushed himself up, intending to go in search of her. He felt hands on him and fought against them, but they were too strong and finally he gave up and sank back onto the bed with a groan.

“Adam, you must lie down.” Ben said.

Adam couldn’t fight any more, he lay back and closed his eyes. “Becky,” he whispered. “I must find Becky. I have to know.”

“Son, don’t worry. Becky’s in the next room.”

“Is she…?”

“Yes, she’s still with us. She’s badly hurt, but she’s fighting. Paul is with her now. With God’s help and his, she’ll be well again.”

Adam cracked his eyes open and recognised his father leaning over him. “I want to see her.”

“Not yet, but soon. When Paul has finished with Becky, he will take the bullet out of your leg. Until then you must lie still and rest.” Ben stroked Adam’s hair, soothing him into sleep.

After he had taken care of Becky, Paul attended to Valerie, and then Hoss drove the buckboard, with Valerie laid in the back, into Virginia City, where Roy would take care of her.

Finally, he got the bullet out of Adam’s leg. It had been a long day, and Paul straightened as he finished, holding his back and stretching. The grandfather clock beside the front door was striking midnight when the doctor walked slowly downstairs. He was tired and worried, Becky’s wound was serious, and her life was still in danger. He slumped down on the sofa, accepting the coffee that Alice handed him.

“How are they?” Ben asked.

“Adam will be fine. He lost a lot of blood, and the ride over here caused more damage to the muscle, but time and care will see him well, provided there are no complications.” He saw a look of relief pass over Ben’s face, which vanished as quickly as it came.

“And Becky?” Ben asked.

“She is much more serious. At this moment, I would say that I hope she will recover, but it will be touch and go. If she makes it through the next twenty-four hours, then the outlook for her survival is good. The bullet missed all the vital organs, but I will not know about the long-term damage until she starts to get better.”

“What d’you mean?” asked Hoss.

Paul looked at the three men and Alice, who were listening to him intently. “I mean that it could affect her ability to walk. The bullet hit her spine and damaged the bone. How bad that might prove to be is impossible to say at the moment. We’ll just have to wait. The most important thing now is to get her well, then we’ll see.”

Alice slipped her arm round Ben’s waist, and looked up at him. “Don’t worry, my darling, we can take care of her here, for as long as is needed.”

Ben looked down at his wife, grateful for her presence. He knew that Adam, and through him, Becky, had a special place in her heart. “I know. We’ll do all we can.” He turned to the doctor and was about to invite him to stay the night, but Paul was asleep. Joe and Hoss settled him down more comfortably on the sofa, while Alice covered him with a blanket.

“He’s given everything to help them, hasn’t he.” Joe said, grateful for the skill of their friend.

Ben nodded. “He always does.”

**********

They took it in turns to watch over the injured pair, until Hop Sing insisted that it was time for breakfast, and would not be resisted. He knew that they had hard days ahead of them and needed to keep up their strength.

When Ben went back upstairs, he found Adam’s bed empty. For a moment he panicked, where could he be? Then he went to the next room and found Adam sitting on the floor asleep, his head resting on the side of the bed and his hand gripping Becky’s.

Ben put his hands under Adam’s shoulders and lifted him gently as he woke. “Come on son, back to bed.”

Adam fought to get free, wanting to stay with his wife. “No, I’m not going to leave her,” he insisted.

“Adam, she’s sleeping, you must let her rest.”

Becky opened her eyes at the sounds going on around her. Adam freed himself from his father’s grip and fell to his knees on the floor beside Becky.

“Becky, oh Becky.” His heart filled with relief, seeing her look at him.

“Yes, my darling,” she whispered holding out her hand to him.

He took it and turned it over to kiss the palm, then held it against his cheek. “Please, get well for me, I need you,” he pleaded.

She put up her other hand to caress his face. “Don’t worry, I’m fine. Just need to rest.” She said softly as she closed her eyes.

Ben put his hand on Adam’s shoulder. “Come on now, back to bed.”

This time Adam didn’t resist, but let his father help him back to his room.

“Is she going to be all right?” Adam asked anxiously, as Ben got him settled under the covers.

“Paul thinks so. He has her sedated at the moment, she’s not in any pain.”

“But she will get better?” Adam thought that his father was not telling him the whole truth.

“Paul said that there may be some permanent damage, but he can’t tell how serious it might be until Becky is more recovered. Now the best thing you can do for her is to get yourself better, and you will only do that by resting, and not wandering about the house.”

Adam was happy to rest, his head ached, and his leg was throbbing painfully. Then he remembered his reaction to Becky being shot. “Pa, I need to speak to Joe.”

Ben knew his son would not settle until he got his way. “Very well, I’ll send him up, but then you must promise me that you’ll take it easy.”

Adam agreed, and a few minutes later Joe was standing uncertainly by the bedside. He blamed himself for what had happened, and he knew that Adam held him responsible. He was prepared for his brother’s anger to hit him with its full force.

“Joe sit down, I’m not going to bite you.” Adam smiled, and Joe relaxed a little.

He sat on the bed, but couldn’t look at his brother, knowing that he had let him down. “Adam, I’m sorry. I should have been more careful.”

“No, it wasn’t your fault,” Adam said slowly. He felt himself slipping into sleep, but he couldn’t rest until he had sorted this out with his brother. “I’m sorry that I reacted so badly, but I was frightened when Becky was shot. And that fear came out as anger and I directed it all at you. You couldn’t know what sort of woman Valerie was. I didn’t know myself, until it was too late,” he said quietly.

“But I should have…”

“No you shouldn’t. You did everything you could, I know that. If it was anyone’s fault, it was mine.” He looked sternly at Joe. “Promise me that you won’t blame yourself.” Adam commanded, with as much big brother authority as he could muster.

“Adam…” Joe still felt responsible.

“Promise!” Adam ordered weakly, he didn’t have the strength to argue.

“OK, I promise. Thank you.” Joe paused looking down, wondering whether he should bother Adam with details. He decided that it wouldn’t hurt for his brother to know that they were concerned for him, and for Becky, so he continued. “Adam, we’re going to cancel the wedding, just until you and Becky can be there.”

Adam slowly shook his head. “Oh no you’re not. It’s taken you long enough to get to the altar, you’re not going to put it off a moment longer,” he said, ignoring the fact that Joe, twelve years his junior, was actually getting married much younger than he had been.

“But I want you there.”

“Even if Becky and I can’t make it to the ceremony, remember that we’ll always be here for you both, missing one day won’t hurt us, or you. No, you carry on, with my blessing.” Adam was ready to close his eyes, but he wanted his brother’s agreement first. “Please Joe, say you’ll do it.”

“All right, if you’re sure.” Joe was relieved. He couldn’t face again the torment of waiting for his wedding day.

“I am.”

“Now you must rest, or it’ll be Pa that kills me, save you the bother.” Joe smiled, and watched as his brother closed his eyes and slept.

In the morning, after Paul had examined his patients and found himself satisfied, Adam demanded that he wanted to see Becky. Paul could see that he would fret if he weren’t allowed to visit her, so he reluctantly agreed. Adam found that his leg wouldn’t bear his weight, but he was determined to complete the short journey. Paul helped him to make his way slowly into Becky’s room. When she saw her husband, Becky slowly held out her hand and Adam took it, as Paul helped him to sit on the chair that had been placed beside the bed.

“Five minutes,” Paul warned them as he left the room.

“How are you?” Adam asked, seeing the sheen of perspiration on Becky’s face.

“Better for seeing you.” She didn’t tell him about the fierce pain in her back.

Adam simply stared at her, she looked beautiful to him even with her hair lying limp on the pillows. She was his again, and Valerie was a memory that they would eventually be able to put behind them. For now, he just wanted Becky well, and he would do all that he could to make that happen. He bent and kissed her, trying to give her the strength to fight her way back to health.

The next day, Joe and Hoss, dressed in their Sunday best, were standing in front of the minister. Ben stood behind with Josh, waiting for Lucy to make her appearance. The soft murmur of voices behind them ceased, and they looked round. Joe left his place and went to the foot of the stairs, to watch Adam, wearing his best black broadcloth, make his way down one step at a time, supported by Paul at his side.

“Adam! You shouldn’t be walking around.”

Adam laughed through teeth gritted against the pain in his leg. “Just wanted to make sure you went through with it.” As Adam stood at the bottom of the stairs, Joe reached out and hugged him and his brother reciprocated. Then Paul insisted that he sit down, but Adam refused saying that he was going to stand with Joe. They made their way back to the minister, Adam taking up his position beside Hoss.

A minute later Lucy appeared at the top of the stairs, her attendants Elizabeth and Little Alice in front of her. She was wearing a dress of the finest pearl studded ivory silk, her dark hair falling down her back. Rich brown eyes took in the people staring up, and she smiled nervously. Standing beside his daughter, Mr. Sullivan folded her arm over his and they started down the stairs. Joe couldn’t take his eyes off Lucy, she was the most perfect creature that he had ever seen, beautiful in body and spirit, and soon to be his.

The minister began to recite the marriage service and Joe had to be reminded to say the words, his thoughts only on the woman beside him.

Then it was over and he had her in his arms, kissing her, never wanting to let her go.

“Excuse me, brother.” Adam’s deep voice nudged Joe out of the way. “I don’t think I can stand here much longer, so if you don’t mind…” Adam took Lucy gently by the shoulders and kissed her cheek. He hopped back a pace and shook Joe’s hand. “Congratulations buddy. Now, if you don’t object, I will go to my wife.”

“Thank you, Adam,” said Joe. It had meant so much to him to have both his brothers beside him.

Becky could hear the sounds of music and laughter from the living room and knew that Joe and Lucy were married. Her thoughts went to that day, six years ago, when it had been her and Adam standing there. Her smile faded as she thought that she had nearly lost him, by sending him out of her life. How could she have done that? How could she have thought that he would ever betray her? She heard a noise in the doorway, and looked up to see Adam standing there. Paul helped him to sit in the chair at the side of the bed.

“I’ll be back later to get you to your room,” the doctor promised. Adam merely nodded, he had eyes only for his wife. He too had remembered their wedding, and he bent and kissed Becky, who responded by putting her arms round him and pulling him towards her.

“Oh, Adam, I love you. I think I love you more now than I did then, if that’s possible.”

“I know, I feel the same. Becky, I could never hurt you, you know that don’t you.”

“Of course, and I’m sorry.” She closed her eyes for a moment, tired beyond measure. But she welcomed the pain she felt, it told her she was alive.

Adam stroked her hair. “Shhh, you have nothing to be sorry for, it was my doing, but I’ll never give you cause again, I promise.” He was surprised to hear Becky’s laugh intrude on this tender moment, and raised his eyebrows at her.

“Adam, how can you promise that when there seem to be so many women who want my husband?”

He laughed with her, and gently hugged her, careful not to put any pressure on her back.

“Well, I can see that the feeling doesn’t wear off.” Joe said from the doorway. He and Lucy came into the room as Adam and Becky parted.

Lucy smiled down at them. “Becky, I hope we’re not disturbing you, but I had to come and see you. ”

Becky held out her hand. “Lucy, you look beautiful.” Lucy bent down and kissed Becky’s cheek, and she could see a suspicion of a tear in the injured woman’s eyes. For a moment, Lucy was concerned that she had made a mistake in coming to see Becky, that it might tire her too much, but then Becky smiled broadly.

“I hope that you will both be as happy as I have been. But let me warn you, Lucy, these Cartwright men need firm handling. Don’t take any nonsense from him, but treat him kindly and he will serve you very well.” She looked into Adam’s eyes, holding his gaze. “They are unfailingly honest, sometimes to their detriment, but they will never betray you. Sometimes you will find that honesty difficult to live with, but you will never regret it.”

Joe and Lucy had the impression that something was happening of which they should not be part, so they retreated quietly out of the room. Adam and Becky stared at each other for a long minute, neither speaking. Adam knew then that he had been forgiven, and tears formed in the corners of his eyes as he bent down and kissed Becky’s forehead.

“Thank you, my darling,” Adam said softly. His lips found Becky’s, then he pulled away and they gazed at each other, happier at that moment than they had ever been.
Chapter Seven

It very quickly became obvious that Becky’s recuperation was going to be a long one. The bullet, as predicted, had damaged her back and she was having difficulty walking and bending. She could not lift Little Alice, nor stay on her feet for very long.

Adam had insisted that they stay at the Ponderosa, so that she could get her strength back, but eventually she had obstinately demanded that she be allowed to return to her own home. Adam could see that it would do more harm to refuse her request, but was delaying the move as long as possible. Paul came, and after he had examined Becky, and she had retired to the bedroom for her morning rest, he took Adam outside to speak to him.

First, Paul told him about Valerie. “She’s insane, you know, and will never stand trial.”

Adam was relieved. It meant that he would not have to face reliving, in public, those days with her. “So what will happen to her?”

“Roy has her locked up at the moment, but as soon as she’s well enough I will get her transferred to the asylum in Sacramento.” Paul allowed Adam to digest this bit of information, then continued. “Adam, I’m concerned about Becky.”

Adam was instantly worried, a frown creasing his forehead. “What is it, she’s getting better all the time, isn’t she?”

“Yes, Becky’s regaining her strength, but she has limited movement in her legs. She may never get back the full use of them, but she needs time and rest. May I make a suggestion?”

“If there’s anything I can do to help her, you know I will,” said Adam, nodding.

“I think you should try to get her some help around the house when she goes home. Becky wants to take up her duties as a wife and mother, and I know that she runs the ranch. But doing that will not allow her the rest she needs. I suspect that Becky will not give up any of it, she would see it as failure.”

“But I’ll help her, she knows that.”

“Yes, and she also knows that if she can’t do it, she will be letting you down.”

“But that’s ridiculous, what makes you think that?”

“Because she told me.” The bald statement shook Adam. How could Becky ever think that he would be disappointed in her, or feel let down by her?

“Well, think about it. But not for too long.”

Adam’s thoughts were racing, he didn’t want Becky doing herself any harm because of what she saw as her failure. “I will,” he promised. He waved absently as the doctor left, and sat thinking for a long time.

Becky was put out by the suggestion that she needed any help.

“Just a minute, Becky. Sit down,” Adam commanded softly. She reluctantly sat on the bed, as Adam tried to find words that would not upset his wife. He sat down beside her and took her hand. “Becky, Paul told me that you are going to have trouble with your back for some time. You need to be able to rest when you get home, to get you completely better, and I will do anything necessary to achieve that.”

“But Adam, I don’t…” Becky started, but Adam cut her off.

“So I thought that, perhaps, I could help you. If you’ll let me.”

“You!” Becky was taken aback by the suggestion. She had thought that Adam meant getting outside help, and she did not want strangers in her house, looking after her children.

“Well, don’t be so surprised,” said Adam, “I helped you when the twins were small, and when Alice arrived, so I’m not completely ignorant of what needs doing. If I get the children up, dressed and fed first thing in the morning and then come here to work, do you think that you could manage them until, say, early afternoon? I could come back then and you could rest until later, when I will make supper for us all. How would that suit you?”

Becky stared at her husband. How had she found such a wonderful, understanding man? She put her arms round him and hugged him close. “Oh, Adam,” she said. “You have obviously thought this through very carefully. But are you sure that you want to take on looking after your family as well as your work here?”

Adam held her at arms length. “Becky, I will do whatever it takes to get you well. So, do you agree?”

“Of course, and thank you.” She kissed him, gently at first, in gratitude for his not imposing strangers on her. But then she needed to show him that she was more than grateful for his thoughtfulness. She pulled him down onto the bed and held him as he tried to sit up again.

“Becky, are you sure?” he asked. “You’re back…”

“Is just fine,” she assured him, and then proved it.

**********

Adam took Becky home. He could see that she was more relaxed being back in her own house, surrounded by familiar things. The arrangements that Adam had suggested worked well, except for him having to sometimes bring books home and work on them in the evenings. On those days when he was delayed, Lucy would drop by for a visit, surreptiously helping Becky. Becky accepted the situation, she felt that it was making her stronger, and she looked forward to the time when she could again look after her family. Adam was happy, despite the extra work, it was making Becky well and that was all that mattered.

One morning, before the children were awake, Adam had brought Becky her breakfast in bed, and was sitting with her while she ate, she looked at him, a smile on her face.

“Adam, I have something to tell you.”

“Oh?” he said, lifting a piece of toast to his mouth.

“Yes. I’m pregnant.”

Adam stopped as he bit into the toast. “Wha…?” he exclaimed between teeth otherwise occupied.

“Yes.”

Adam choked as he swallowed. “You could have told me that when I wasn’t eating,” he said, when he was finally able to speak. The breakfast was forgotten as he hugged Becky, and they shared the joyous moment together.

Paul Martin was not so happy when Adam told him. He came out to the house to examine Becky, and then called Adam into the bedroom, where Becky lay on the bed. She sat up as he entered, and he went to sit beside her and held her hand, knowing that something was wrong.

“Paul, what is it, is there a problem?” Adam asked quietly.

“There’s something I have to tell you both.” Paul paused. “Becky is slowly recovering from the shooting, but still has a long way to go, you know that.” Adam nodded, holding his breath for Paul to continue. He felt Becky hold his hand tighter. “Having a baby puts a tremendous strain on the back. The pressure of carrying the baby can be relieved by rest, but giving birth is a different matter entirely.” Paul stopped. This should be a happy time for prospective parents, but he had to tell them of the risk involved.

“Go on, tell us the rest,” Adam prompted.

“Having this baby could cripple Becky permanently,” Paul said bluntly.

Adam stared at the doctor. “You’re telling us that Becky could lose the use of her legs?”

“Yes. I can terminate the pregnancy, if that is what you decide you want, but I cannot give you any guarantees that if I do, Becky will ever be able to conceive again.”

“Can’t you deliver the baby the same way you did with the twins?” Becky asked.

“No, I did a caesarean to save your life and that of the babies. But that is a risky operation. I didn’t tell you at the time, because you all survived. I would only do that where life is in danger, it is a last resort. I couldn’t justify the risk in this case.”

Paul watched as the couple sat in stunned silence. “I’ll leave you to talk it over, let me know what you decide.” He quietly left them, and neither Adam nor Becky spoke for a long time, then Becky turned to her husband.

“You know there’s no choice, don’t you.” Becky said simply.

Adam nodded, he had known what Becky’s decision would be. “I know.”

“There’s always the chance that the baby and I will come through the delivery unharmed, we must be positive about this.” Suddenly Becky reached out for him, and he encircled her in his arms, and could feel her tenseness. “Oh, Adam, I’m frightened. What if Paul is right and I can’t walk, how am I going to look after the children?”

“Don’t worry about that, it just means that I might have to let the Ponderosa look after itself for a while. But remember that a lot of the work I do there can be done here, the paperwork and negotiating contracts and meeting buyers. I can do that anywhere, or not at all if you need me. Once the baby’s here and we know the outcome, then we’ll decide what to do about it. Even if you can’t walk, eventually you will be able to look after the children, as you do now. I know my wife, there is nothing that you can’t do.”

Becky looked sad, the news had hit her hard. “You’ll be mother and father to the children for a while, in fact you won’t really need me at all.”

Adam put his hand under her chin and raised her face so that she was looking at him. “Becky, don’t ever think that. No matter what the future holds, I will always need you, and so will the children, all four of them. When you were shot, I knew that I couldn’t live without you. If you had died, my life would have ended too. I don’t care what happens, you are my wife and I love you and always will, never doubt that.” He leant down and kissed her, softly at first, then it became something deeper and more passionate as he tried to show her the love he had for her. She pulled away, breathless.

“Well, if that’s the effect this pregnancy is going to have on you, I’m going to make the most of it.” She reached out and this time she initiated the kiss and dictated its course, and was gentle with him, simply treasuring the love they shared.

**********

One Sunday, after they had all been to church, the whole family was at the Ponderosa for lunch. Once the meal was finished, Adam asked his father if he could have a quiet word with him. They wandered into the forest at the back of the house, Adam talking about the meat market, the fact that the rivers were low after a dry summer, the new stock that Becky was thinking of buying, and how happy Joe and Lucy seemed. Ben looked at him, knowing that his son was skating round whatever it was that he wanted to say. Eventually he sat down on a fallen tree trunk, looking at Adam.

“All right, what’s on your mind? You didn’t bring me all this way just to talk about the price of beef.”

Adam sat down beside him. “No, you’re right. There’s a problem with Becky’s pregnancy.” He went on to explain what might be the outcome of that pregnancy.

Ben was thoughtful. “Well, don’t start worrying about it until it happens. We’ll give Becky all the help she needs.”

Adam shook his head. “That’s not what I want to talk to you about. There’s something else.” Adam stood and walked a short distance away. Until recently, this was something that he would have kept to himself, sorting it out in his own mind. Now, knowing what his earlier silence had nearly cost him, he had decided to try to confide in his father, but it didn’t come naturally to admit to any problem.

He turned, and leant against a tree, crossing his arms over his chest, facing his father. “Pa, I’m worried, not just about Becky, but about my reaction to the child should Becky be crippled by the delivery.” Ben raised his eyebrows, and Adam continued, “Will I resent the baby, if its arrival should leave Becky unable to walk? When Becky was expecting the twins, and Little Alice, I couldn’t wait for them to be born, to hold each of the children for the first time. But now, I don’t want that moment to come.” He paused, finding it difficult to express his feelings. Then he took a deep breath and continued. “I’m frightened that I might reject the baby, and I know that’s not fair. It’s not his, or her, fault, but I can’t get away from the feeling that if Becky is crippled, I will blame the child, and that must affect my relationship with it.” Adam looked pleadingly at his father, searching for answers that he couldn’t find for himself. “Pa, what am I going to do?”

Ben was silent for a minute, considering his reply. When he spoke, it was quietly, treasuring this time when his eldest son had decided to share his problem. “Adam, I understand how you feel. But you are too fair-minded to blame the child. You know that an innocent baby cannot help the result of its arrival.” Ben stood and approached his son. When Adam didn’t look up, Ben held his shoulders. “Adam, you know that I love you, don’t you?”

Adam raised his head, wondering what his father was going to say. Although he returned his father’s love, he always had trouble showing it, and suddenly he regretted saying anything to him about his fears. He nodded in response to the question.

Ben continued. “I have never hated you, or regretted your arrival. Elizabeth died as a result of it, but I have never blamed you for her death, you know that, don’t you.”

“But you didn’t have months to think about it, did you,” Adam said more harshly than he intended. Ben lowered his hands and stood back.

“No, but then you are, hopefully, not in danger of losing Becky.” Ben reminded him.

“I’m sorry, Pa, I didn’t mean…I’m sorry.” Adam walked away a pace, then stopped and turned, as his father continued.

Ben approached Adam, to make certain he was listening. “I knew that you had no choice in your birth, and I have always been grateful that I did not lose both of you. Elizabeth died, but you lived, whole and healthy, and totally innocent.”

Adam recognised that he still harboured feelings of guilt about his own birth, and what it had cost, though he had come to terms with it over the years. Would his child feel the same guilt, if Becky was crippled? Adam did not want to add to that burden by his attitude, but the feelings he had were too deep in his heart for him to be able to control them.

He thought about what Ben had said, and hoped that he could be as generous as his father. “You’re right, of course, but I will not be certain of my reaction until the baby’s born, and I know the outcome. Until then, I’ll just have to try to be happy for Becky.” He smiled wryly. “Do you know that she’s actually looking forward to it?” He shook his head, knowing that he would never understand a woman’s attitude to childbirth.

“Son, someone said a long time ago, that a child brings its own welcome with it. I’m sure that when the time comes, you will welcome it, and then deal with whatever happens to Becky.”

Adam looked at his father. “I hope so. Thanks Pa.” He put his hand on Ben’s arm. “Thanks for listening.” Ben merely nodded, wondering if his reticent son had at last found that he could share his problems, and would be able to do so in the future.
Chapter Eight

The weeks passed slowly for Becky. Adam insisted that she rest often, so that when the baby came she would be as strong as possible. He was trusting that her strength would pull her through it unscathed. For Adam, those same weeks seemed to fly by. He dreaded the birth, and what it might bring. Despite his father’s wise words, he didn’t trust himself not to blame the child if Becky was crippled by its birth, and he would willingly have delayed that moment forever.

Every afternoon, when the weather was fine, Adam would take Becky and the children out in the surrey. She found that the inactivity forced on her meant that she was unable to sleep at night, but was helped by the fresh air and change of scenery that the outing gave her. Adam took her everywhere, but her favourite trip was to the lake, where she would breath in the cool spring air, laden as it was with the smell of the pines.

One afternoon, late in her pregnancy, Adam had taken Becky out. For once, they were alone; the children were spending the night at the Ponderosa to give their parents some much-needed rest.

Adam helped Becky down from the buggy as they pulled up in front of the house. “Why don’t you go and lie down, and I’ll bring you up some tea, after I’ve put the buggy away?” he suggested.

Becky leant back and stretched, then rested her hands on the bump that was their unborn child. “Yes, thank you, I think I could do with being horizontal for a while.” She smiled and made her way towards the house, her hands pressing on her back, and Adam could see that she was walking a little crooked, favouring one side. He shook his head; this pregnancy had been a terrible mistake. He was thinking about his feelings towards the baby, trying to conjure up in his mind the image of a child, and himself holding it, and loving it. But what he felt could at best be described as resentment, and at worst, hatred. He saw Becky crippled, and the child in his arms was responsible.

He unhitched the horse and led it into the barn. It was dim inside after the brightness of the sun, but Adam knew his way, and took the animal unerringly into its stall. He turned away and went to the corner of the barn to get some fresh hay. As he leant down to gather an armful, something hit him hard on the back of the head. He saw his hands reach out, but instead of gathering in the hay, they kept going, hitting the ground, and sliding until he was sprawled on the hard earth. He lay there unable to move, and then he saw a boot coming towards his head. He tried to move out of the way, but his body would not obey his commands and as the blow connected, the shattering pain sent the world spinning away.

When he came back to consciousness, he lay still, trying to work out where he was. His head was throbbing, and he could feel blood running down his face. He opened his eyes slowly, and saw that he was lying on his side, then he tried to rise and found that he couldn’t move. His hands were bound behind his back and tied to a short rope that was attached to his feet, which were also bound, forcing his knees to bend sharply. He turned his head, and his heart stopped as he saw Valerie standing behind him, smiling at his helplessness, her deep blue eyes hard and staring. Beside her stood a man, shorter in height than Valerie, and with lank dark hair, framing a face that reminded Adam of a dog he had once seen, his mouth seemed to be pushed up under his nose and small black eyes were observing Adam as he lay at their feet.

Adam was speechless for a moment, then he croaked, “Valerie!”

She moved to stand in front of him and then knelt down. “Yes, my darling, it’s me. I came back for you.”

For a moment, Adam panicked as he thought that they were going to kidnap him, then he noticed that she was holding a gun, and panic turned to terror as he realised that she had something more permanent in mind. His thoughts went to Becky, and what this would do to her. Then he wondered how long he had been unconscious, he didn’t want Becky to come looking for him. He looked at the horse that he had brought in and saw that she was still sweating slightly. He breathed a sigh of relief; he couldn’t have been out more than a few minutes. He looked back at Valerie and struggled against his bonds, but they were tight and gave him no movement.

“What do you want?” he asked, trying to keep his voice calm.

“I want you,” she stated harshly. “Dead.” She knelt down and ran her fingers down Adam’s face. He shivered at her touch, remembering.

The man beside her spoke. “Valerie, you never said anything about killing him. You just said that you wanted to teach him a lesson.”

“Harold, shut up. I’m going to teach him a lesson, all right. I’m going to teach him that no one walks out on me and gets away with it. I failed before, but there’s going to be no mistake this time.”

“I will not be part of killing a man. That’s not why I helped you. You said that we would be together, once you had finished with him.” Harold held Valerie’s arm. “You promised.”

“You stupid man, did you really think that I wanted you?”

Harold looked aghast and took a step back as Valerie turned the gun on him and fired. He fell to the ground, and choked twice before he lay still. Valerie ignored him as she turned back to Adam, pointing the gun at him. “He was a fool, thinking that I could want him, after having you.”

“Valerie, don’t do it, I’ll come with you, and we can be together.” He had to keep her talking while he tried to think.

“Together?” laughed Valerie, shaking her head. “No, you had your chance and you left me. Now I’m going to make sure that no one can have you.”

She knelt down beside him again and put the gun on the ground. He tried to turn away as she held his head firmly between her hands, found his lips, and kissed him deeply. He felt his body tense at her touch, and as the kiss ended, he turned his head and spat. Valerie stood and watched him, then kicked him hard in the stomach. Adam grunted, and he curled up as far as his bonds would allow, trying to protect himself from any further attack, but the second kick from Valerie’s small, but solid, button boots got through to his ribs, and she watched silently as he struggled for breath.

She aimed the gun at his head, and her earlier harshness changed to compassion. “Adam, I am only doing this for your own good. I know you can’t be happy with that other woman, and it’s too late to say you want me. I know I could persuade you to come back to me, but I don’t want you now you’ve been with her. I couldn’t bear it if I thought that you were miserable, and you would be if I let you live. Believe me, it will hurt me to do this, but it really is for your own good.”

Adam’s blood turned to ice when he heard her words, he realised that she believed she had found a reasoned argument, and would not easily be dissuaded. He decided to play her at her own game. “Valerie, you’re right. But you don’t need to put yourself through this, I know how it will upset you. Untie me, and give me the gun. Let me do it for myself.”

Valerie seemed to hesitate, but then she shook her head. “No, my darling, I love you, and it is the last thing I can do for you, to save you from this misery.”

She raised the gun and pressed it against his head. Adam tried to move, to squirm away from her, but she pressed the gun firmly into his temple, forcing his head onto the ground.

“Such a waste,” she said, shaking her head. Adam looked sideways at her, and then he shut his eyes and pictured Becky, he didn’t want his last thoughts to be of Valerie. He heard the shot, and his heart stopped for a second, then he felt it beat again, and again. He wasn’t dead! He felt a weight fall on him, and groaned as it increased the pain from his cracked ribs. Then he opened his eyes to see Valerie lying across him. He looked towards the barn door and saw Becky standing there, the smoking rifle still in her hands. She stood immobile for a second, and then rushed across to her husband. Becky tried to lift Valerie aside, but couldn’t move her, so instead she knelt down and untied the ropes that held Adam. Once he was free, he shifted Valerie off him and took Becky gently in his arms.

“Thank you, my darling, thank you,” he said with feeling. “How did you know?”

Becky’s voice trembled. “You were a long time putting the horse up, and I was nearly asleep, when I heard the shot. I went downstairs, got your rifle from the study, and came out to the barn, to see her with a gun against your head. I thought that I should tell her that I was there, but then I thought that she would shoot you anyway, so I…I…”

Adam held her tight. “It’s all right. You did the right thing, she would have killed me.” He looked at the bodies strewn about his barn and, putting his arm round Becky’s waist to support her, led Becky to the house. He tried to make her sit down, but she could see the cut on his head, where Valerie had kicked him and could tell that his ribs hurt. She insisted that she was all right and that he should be the one to sit down. Adam didn’t argue with her, he had begun to shake as the unused adrenalin coursed through him looking for a purpose.

She brought him some coffee, and the whiskey bottle. He looked at it, not wanting to mix the two ever again. Then Becky did it for him.

“Drink it. Right now I think you could use it,” she insisted. Adam smiled thinly and sipped the steadying drink while Becky bathed the cut on his head.

She had just finished when they heard a horse come galloping into the yard. Becky stood to look out of the window. “It’s Roy,” she said, turning to Adam and frowning. She opened the door and the sheriff ran into the house.

“Thank goodness, you’re both all right,” Roy said, then spotted the cut on Adam’s head. “Or are you?”

Adam stood, wrapping his arms round his ribs. “Roy, I have something to show you, come with me.”

They went out to the barn. When Roy saw what it contained, he turned to Adam, who was standing silently beside him. “That was what I was coming to tell you. The authorities in Sacramento just got around to telling me that Valerie had escaped.” Roy glanced across at the body of the man. “Who’s that?”

“I don’t know. Valerie called him Harold. She shot him, and was going to kill me, but Becky stopped her.”

Roy nodded. “Must be the guard who helped her escape.” He put his arm on Adam’s shoulder. “Go back into the house, and look after Becky. She doesn’t need this in her condition. I’ll take care of things in here.”

Adam was only too glad to leave him to it. “Thanks Roy.”

He went back to join Becky, and sat on the settee beside her. He put his arm round her shoulders and they sat in silence, grateful just to be together. Suddenly Becky took a deep breath, then she turned to him, and the look on her face was one of pure joy. Adam was totally bewildered until Becky explained. “I think the baby’s coming. Perhaps you could get Roy to ask Paul to come out, when he gets back to town.”

Adam sat up, sucking in his breath as the sudden movement pulled at his ribs. “But it’s too early,” he said, concerned.

“Only a couple of weeks. No doubt it is all the excitement of this afternoon.” She smiled at her husband to reassure him, then she laughed. “You will never get used to this, will you?”

Adam shook his head, he hated any situation of which he was not in control, and childbirth was the worst, as all he could do was wait, making no contribution to events. After speaking to Roy, he took Becky upstairs, and helped her into bed, amazed how she seemed to have put the events of the afternoon behind her.

Adam had waited for the birth of his children twice before, but thought that this was probably the most difficult time. He was not looking forward to the arrival, in fact he dreaded it. He tried to remember his father’s words, but they brought him little comfort. He sat with Becky, trying to be strong for her, to support her, but she was doing more to keep him calm. When he heard a knock on the door, he went to answer it and found Paul standing there.

“What happened to you?” he asked when he saw the cut on Adam’s head.

“Valerie came back,” Adam told him. Paul raised his eyebrows, and was about to look closer at the damage, but Adam pushed him away. “Don’t worry about me, my wife needs you right now. Paul…” Adam looked into the eyes of the doctor.

Paul nodded. “I’ll do my best for Becky,” he assured her husband, and went upstairs. As the doctor disappeared, Adam saw his father draw up. He walked out to greet him, again cradling his ribs.

“Pa, I’m glad you’re here. Becky’s in labour.”

“What! So, soon.” He laughed. “Then you won’t want the ledgers that you forgot to take with you earlier. Would you like me to stay with you?”

Adam nodded glad to have his father with him. “Yes, if you would. You know that I’m not very good at this. I’ll send someone to tell Alice.” Adam disappeared to find one of the hands to send with a message.

Ben had seen the cut on his son’s forehead and his uncomfortable stance when he stood. “What happened?” he asked, as Adam came back into the house.

“Valerie escaped and came looking for me,” said Adam, not looking at his father, knowing he would see questions in his eyes. “She was going to kill me, but Becky shot her. She saved my life.”

“Isn’t it about time that you told me what happened?” Ben hoped that Adam’s recent change of heart, in sharing his troubles with his father, might enable Ben to find out exactly who Valerie was.

Adam was silent; he didn’t know how to tell Ben what he had done. This man had raised him to be honest and honourable, and although Paul had persuaded him that it was not his fault, Adam still felt in his heart that he should have been able to prevent it. He knew that his father would be disappointed in him for getting himself into such a situation, and he couldn’t face that at this moment.

“Valerie’s dead and it’s all behind us now, I just want to forget her.” Adam insisted. “All I’m concerned about is Becky, and the baby.”

“Adam, don’t keep this inside, you must let it out, whatever it is.”

“I have,” Adam said, looking at his father. “Becky knows, and that’s all that matters. She knows, and she forgave me.”

“Then don’t you think it’s time you forgave yourself?” Ben asked, putting his hand on Adam’s arm, beginning to guess what his son was hiding.

“Perhaps, eventually, now that Valerie’s dead. But it wasn’t something that you can just put out of your mind. I hurt Becky, and I would give anything not to have done that.” Adam stood and started to pace the floor, glancing occasionally towards the stairs. “For now, I just want Becky to be all right.” Adam went into the kitchen to make some coffee, signalling an end to that particular conversation.

For Adam, the next hours were like a waking nightmare. He was worried for Becky, and the effect the delivery might have on her, and he was afraid for himself, afraid that he might fail this test of his ability to forgive a child for the blameless act of getting born.

Ben tried to get Adam to rest. He could see that his ribs were troubling him, as he wrapped his arms across his chest, and he frequently put his fingers to the bridge of his nose and screwed up his eyes, a sign Ben recognised as meaning that his son had a headache. But Adam was too restless; too many thoughts were going through his head to give him any peace.

Ben was asleep, stretched out on the sofa. Adam went out onto the veranda, and stood looking at the first pale light of the new day as it touched the far mountains. Suddenly he heard a faint crying. He turned, ran into the house and up the stairs, where Paul met him outside the bedroom door. Adam grasped the doctor’s shoulders and searched his face for the answer to the question he was afraid to ask.

“Adam, you have another son.” Paul smiled faintly.

“How…how’s Becky?” Adam asked.

Paul couldn’t meet his eyes and looked down. “It’s as I feared. Becky has lost all feeling in her legs. Adam, she won’t be able to walk.”

Adam leaned back against the wall, wrapping his arms round himself as he whispered, “No!”

Paul simply nodded to confirm the outcome of the delivery. Adam straightened, wanting to go to his wife, but dreading to look on the face of his newborn son. He took a deep breath, and opened the bedroom door. As he entered and saw Becky looking at him, smiling, he went to her, took her hand, and kissed her forehead.

“How do you feel?” he asked.

“Tired, but it was worth it, you have another son. Are you pleased?”

Adam hesitated a fraction too long before answering. “Yes.”

“Go to your son, take him in your arms, look at him,” she instructed firmly.

Reluctantly, he went to the other side of the bed where the baby lay in its crib. Adam closed his eyes and took a deep breath, before he looked down and saw the face of his son, whose tiny hands opened and closed as he slept peacefully. Adam hesitated, and then he reached down, putting his hands under the child and lifting him into his arms. He raised a finger and brushed it against the gossamer soft covering of dark hair on the baby’s head, then his finger travelled to the soft cheek, the rosebud mouth, finally feeling one of the tiny hands, which reacted to his touch by gripping his little finger. Adam stared at the innocent face, and all his fears left him. The baby, whose arrival Adam had dreaded, had found his way into the heart of his father, simply by his presence.

Adam looked at Becky, swallowed back the tears that threatened, and smiled. “He’s perfect, isn’t he?”

Becky held out her arms and Adam passed the child to her. “Yes,” she said, but looked sad. Then added, “Unlike his mother. Adam, I can’t move my legs.”

“I know, Paul told me.” Adam sat on the side of the bed. “I’m so sorry, this should never have happened. It wouldn’t have happened if I…”

“Adam,” Becky said sharply. “Stop it. It’s time that you forgot what happened. It wasn’t your fault, so stop wallowing in regrets, and start to think about the future. I need you now more than ever, and you’ll be no good to me if you live in the past. I need you to be strong. The days ahead are going to be difficult enough, I don’t want to have to worry about you. My inability to walk will destroy both of us, if I know that every time you look at me, you blame yourself. Eventually you would come to hate me for reminding you of Valerie, and what she did.” Her voice softened. “Promise me that you will put it behind you, and only look forward. You have a wonderful family, and many things to be grateful for. Don’t throw them away.”

Adam looked at her, his heart full of nothing but love for this woman, who knew him so well.

“You’re right, and I’ll try.” He wasn’t sure that he could set aside these past months so easily. But he would try for Becky’s sake and, perhaps, eventually he could make it happen.

Adam went downstairs to fetch his father, to see his new grandson. Ben looked at him, searching Adam’s face for clues to his reaction to the birth.

“It’s all right, Pa. The baby’s perfect, and I can do nothing but welcome him into the world.” He paused, took a deep breath, and then continued. “But Becky won’t be able to walk again, it’s just as Paul feared.”

“Adam, I’m so sorry.” He put a comforting hand on his son’s shoulder.

“Don’t worry, we’ll manage. Once Becky gets used to her new situation, I’m sure that she’ll be just as she was before. She’s strong and determined, and I will make certain that her life is as full as it ever was. It’ll just be different, that’s all.”

Adam went to the kitchen and returned with a tray carrying glasses of champagne, then they went to Becky, with Paul following. Ben and Paul admired the baby and tried to find the words to tell Becky how sorry they were. But Becky would have none of it.

“Please, both of you, I’m fine, and so is the baby. Let’s be happy for his safe arrival.” She smiled at them, and they relaxed.

Adam handed round the champagne and Ben raised his glass to Becky and Adam in a toast. “To your son,” he announced.

Adam looked into Becky’s eyes. “And the future,” he added, and they smiled at each other, in silent understanding of the promise given.
THE END

Heaven has no rage like love to hatred turned,
Nor hell a fury, like a woman scorned.

William Congreve (1670-1729) – The Mourning Bride

 

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Author: DianaG

3 thoughts on “Memories of Love #6 – To Rage in Heaven (by Diana G)

  1. Just wow! What an evil woman. Amazing story and I hope if you wrote more, it was good news for Becky and Adam.

  2. Speechless! A potent story of love and forgiveness.

    Sorry to see this series come to an end, would love to read more of this AU you’ve created with Adam and Becky.

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