SUMMARY: A short silly discussion about what’s wrong with Bonanza. It’s meant to be a light-hearted story and not to be taken seriously.
rating = T word count = 865
A New Bonanza
“Boys, we got trouble, boys!”
“Pa, you don’t have to yell. We’re all sitting right here.”
“Adam, you don’t have to be so crabby. Pa needs us.”
“I’m always crabby, and you’re a crybaby.”
“Stop picking on me.”
“I’m supposed to be crabby and pick on you. Just ask the Joegals. It’s what I do.”
“Boys, stop arguing and listen to me or do I have to send you to your rooms for a timeout?”
“No, Pa. We’ll listen as long as you don’t whip out that pointy finger, but stop calling me a boy. I’m a man.”
“It’s only a term of endearment, Adam, and aren’t your brothers men too?”
“As long as you asked.”
“See, Pa, there he goes again.”
“Now, Joe and Adam, you two be quiet or I’ll thump each a ya ta make ya quiet.”
“Hoss, why aren’t you eating something?”
“Joe, I ain’t always eating something.”
“Enough! Tarnation, it’s difficult to explain anything around here. Now, rustlers have stolen half our herd, someone is trying to take the Ponderosa from us, and there’s an epidemic in town.”
“Is that all? That’s only three problems and there’s four of us. I guess I can keep reading this new book of poetry I got.”
“Aw, cut out yer foolishness, older brother. We need a plan.”
“All right, Pa, speaking for my younger brothers, I need to ask: what’s the plan?”
“I don’t know. I think we need a Mary Sue to save us.”
“I don’t have one. How about a Laura?”
“I could get a Tirza.”
“Maybe we could bring Margie back somehow.”
“Or maybe you could bring back Lady Chadwick, Pa. I think she could handle all of that.”
“Adam, that’s not funny. In fact, none of your suggestions were funny.”
“Pa, it’s the writers. We need to do something about them. All they do is hurt Joe so you can sit at his bedside until he wakes up, make Hoss eat, and break our hearts. Pa, I’m in my thirties and haven’t been to bed with a woman yet. That puts a lot of pressure on a man, Pa.”
“Yeah, Pa. It’s why I’m always eating. I got appetites, and I gotta do somethin’ ’bout ’em.”
“I don’t mind the part about crying all the time though. I like laughing and crying a lot. Those are the things I do best.”
“Sheesh, Joe, you done cried a river already. Ain’t ya tired a doing that?”
“At least I get hugs from Pa. How many hugs have you and Adam gotten?”
“He’s got a point there, Adam.”
“Hoss, don’t let him sidetrack you. It’s hugs from women we want, right?”
“Oh, yeah.”
“So, we go after the writers and force them to make a few changes around here.”
“Besides women, what do we want them to do?”
“Pa, no more stupid relatives showing up would be a good start don’t you think? We have had the worst crop of relatives known to mankind.”
“Yeah, Pa, and me and Hoss want to be able to smoke like you do.”
“I don’t want to be fooled by Joe all the time like I don’t know any better. It’s embarrassing. Ain’t no woman gonna want me ifn she thinks I’m that dumb.”
“It’s stupid that they make you not dumb. Dumb means you can’t talk.”
“Well, sometimes they got me all tongue-tied so I cain’t talk to ’em neither.”
“They need to write lines worth saying to a woman too. It would be nice to have a meaningful conversation with a woman.”
“We need to let them know we don’t want no more a them ninnies or wicked women either. We want some real good women, you know, the kind everybody will like and easy on the eyes too and with a purty voice to boot.”
“You mean you didn’t like the whining from Laura and the constant complaining?”
“I figured you fell off that roof on purpose trying to kill yerself so you could get out of having to spend the rest of your life with her.”
“It’s a thought. I wish there had been a better way for Will to have found time to spend with her. I mean couldn’t I have had to go to Tucson again?”
“And no more dying women. I want all healthy women. No more meet them, marry them, and bury them. I’m the youngest here, but all that tragedy is turning my hair gray.”
“Better ta have that than what’s happening ta all our hair. Oh, sorry, Pa. Didn’t mean ta let out your secret.”
“Too late now! Well, let’s sit down at my desk and make a list of the things we want.”
“What about the rustlers, thieves, and the epidemic?”
“Let the writers come up with a good plot idea for how to handle each one without anyone here getting shot, being kidnapped, facing certain death, or ending up locked in jail.”
“That would be a first.”
“Bout time for that!”
“Here, here!”
Tags: Adam Cartwright, Ben Cartwright, Hoss Cartwright, Joe / Little Joe Cartwright
Well said. There were a lot of times when plots were very predictable, but then I suppose we all do have our own little quirks and it was nice to see them turn up in the Cartwrights. It was when we had totally contradictory storylines that it became a real problem
Enjoyed this
Little Joe forever
Thank you so much. I agree with you. I was having fun with this and except for Laura and all the disagreeable relatives who showed up, it wasn’t much different than other shows at the time.
Spot on, Betty! I watch some episodes, and wonder where they actually got some of those writers. Certainly not from real life! And Laura Dayton … oh my gosh who thought up that ridiculous plot and woman. 🤦♀️😆
Thank you so much. There certainly is quite a lot to critique in the writing, and I tried to have as much fun with it as I could. I’m glad you liked the result.
This was great! Hopefully they’re successful in their requests.
Thank you so much. One could hope but probably not going to happen except in fan fic.
Soy una Joegal desde los inicios de BONANZA por lo tanto sufro del síndrome SJS en estadio grave y leer algo como esto, me alivia de mi sufrimiento crónico. 🙂 La he pasado fantásticamente bien. Pero por favor, no dejeis las ideas originales. Recuerden que las legítimas Joegal necesitamos pasar noches en vela junto a Pa Ben cuidando de nuestro Little Joe. Felicitaciones
Muchas gracias. A mi también me sacaste una sonrisa con tus comentarios. Lo entiendo, pero rara vez escribo historias SJS. Si lo hago, me aseguraré de poner eso en el resumen para usted.
Bien vu, cela aussi me fait rire, cette façon de voir les épisodes de la vie des Cartwright. La série Bonanza avec toutes ses erreurs d’écriture et le manque de progression dans la vie des “garçons”. Décidément, le patriarche, qui pourtant a croisé l’amour trois fois, ne désire pas pour autant devenir grand père . . . le secret de l’éternelle jeunesse. Mais Adam ne l’entend pas de cette oreille, la suite arrive à grand pas, les textes creux des scénaristes rendent finalement malade l’acteur.
Thank you for reading and commenting. Yes, there is humor in all the things that don’t make sense in how the series did not progress the way a normal family would have.
That was interesting and kind of fun. Thanks
Thank you so much. Glad you thought it was fun.
Perfect! Several good laughs here!
Thank you so much. I could have gone on, but it was enough to make the point. I’m glad you liked it.
So spot on! Thanks for a much-needed laugh!
Thank you so much. This could have been even longer, but at some point, one has to call a halt. lol
This is my second time reading this. Still laughing! Good night.
Thank you so much. I’m glad it could still provide you with entertainment on a reread.
That was wonderful! You certainly got me laughing. The poor Cartwright family, little do they know that the writers have very little control. It’s all about the ratings – ever time Joe was injured, the rating would go through the roof. LOL
Sometimes a writer simply likes to have a bit of fun with the Cartwrights. I’m glad you enjoyed it.
This is a very good and funny critisism. I’m in with your thoughts.
Thank you so much. It was fun to write a humorous piece — drama can get to be a bit tedious sometimes.
This was fun, Betty. Those poor Cartwrights should have been full of scars just from the episodes to say nothing of fan fiction, and they sustained more concussions than football players, yet we all do love those suffering scenes. I guess we like to see them vulnerable as well as powerful. Thanks for a quick, interesting read.
Thank you so much. It’s fun to think about what we do to them and what other writers do too. They’re four tortured souls and pincushions too.
This was funny the first time around and has me giggling all over again! Thanks.
Thank you so much. Giggles are good and especially if you can still find it humorous in a second reading.
This good short story tickles the funny bone and ends the day on a positive note. Of course, the more you know the show, the deeper the references resonate.
Thank you so much. I’m glad you enjoyed it, and yes, it is definitely an insiders’ story.
So funny, had me in stitches. Yes, there were things that maybe should have been different on the show, but there was still a lot that was also very good, and that is evident from the fact that so many of us still write fanfic about it and still love talking about it.
Really enjoyed this
Little Joe forever
Lynne
Oh, yes, we love the show and the characters, but there are things that are silly about the show sometimes, and it was a lark to take a few pokes at those. I was having a bit of fun and only wanted to share the silliness. I’m so happy to hear it had you in stitches. Thank you so much for that image.
What a fun story. Loved it. Thanks for sharing it with us.
Thank you so much. I’m glad you appreciated the humor of the piece.
What a fun story. Should have put the C’s in charge a long time ago.
Thank you so much. If not the Cs then perhaps some of the fan fiction writers could have been in charge! Now that could have made a wonderful difference.
Great satire, Betty. Tongue in cheek with more than a grain of truth! 🙂
Thank you so much. This one was fun to write so I’m glad you enjoyed reading it.