Summary: Events force a son to look back on a traumatic time in his life; acknowledging how thankful his is for his family.

Rating:  K+  (11,205 words)

 

But for the Grace of God

Joe Cartwright dismounted from his horse and stretched wearily. It had been a long ride from Reno and he was bone weary, wanting nothing more than to stretch out on a soft bed in the best hotel this town had to offer and sleep. Yet he knew that if he did he’d never get up to eat supper in a few hours and so he resolutely turned from the hotel and headed over towards the saloon across the street. A good cold beer or two would go down well and then he could go and get a bath before eating.

 

It had been a long week and Joe was more then pleased to be headed home again. Not that he hadn’t minded the time out from the usual back-breaking chores he usually spent his week doing and this trip to Sacramento had been a welcome break from routine, but he had ridden hard today and was frankly tired of all the negotiating that he’d had to do in finalising those timber contracts for his father. Joe knew that Pa would be pleased with the result and that it had a worthwhile trip, but somehow his heart longed to be home once again. Well, he thought as he tied up Cochise outside the saloon, in two days time I will be.

 

He was about to enter the saloon when he heard a noise at the end of the street and turned to see a black-draped vehicle on which was placed a coffin. Instinctively, he took off his hat as a mark of respect as the vehicle came closer, squinting in the afternoon sunlight as he tried to make out the customary group of family and friends that usually walked behind at such times. To his surprise, however, no one followed the hearse and the only person in attendance seemed to be the man in black who was driving the wagon.

 

Joe waited until the vehicle has passed the saloon before putting on his hat again. He supposed that it was making its way to the small cemetery he’d seen on his way into town. Something about the loneliness of the funeral touched him and he shook his head as he turned and continued to walk into the saloon. “A beer thanks,” he said, plonking his money down on the counter and smiling at the bartender. He took a sip of the cool, refreshing liquid and grinned with pleasure as he felt it trickle down the back of his parched throat. He downed it quickly and then ordered another straight away.

 

“Who was the funeral for?” he asked as the bartender put the second beer on the counter in front of him.

 

“Tom Atkins,” said the men. “Young fellar from round these parts.”

 

“Yeah?” said Joe. “Small funeral. No one seemed to be there except the guy from the funeral home.”

 

“That weren’t no funeral director,” sniffed the man. “More like Charlie the grave digger. “Pauper’s funeral that one. Tom Atkins didn’t have a dime to bless himself with so there’d be no fee for the undertaker.”

 

Joe frowned. It seemed so sad that the poor man hadn’t even had the money to pay for a proper funeral. “There wasn’t anyone there,” he said. “Didn’t he have any family or friends?”

 

“Nope.”

 

Joe found that hard to believe. “No one at all?” he said. “If he was from around these parts then surely someone would have been at his funeral.”

 

“He used ta have family I guess,” shrugged the man. “Not any more though. They don’t have anything ta do with him. Haven’t for years.”

 

“Still …” mused Joe. “When a man dies and all ….”

 

A man came over and stood beside him and touched him on the shoulder. “Tom Atkins didn’t deserve no family,” he said. “Didn’t deserve no friends neither. That one didn’t deserve nothing.” He paused and took a swig of his drink. “He died with nothing too.”

 

“No one deserves nothing,” said Joe.

 

“He did,” said the bartender. “Still only a young fellar …” he looked Joe up and down. “Not much older than you I reckon … and he still managed to amount to nothing. Couldn’t hold a job … lost the only girl he’d ever been keen on … his family ended up turning their backs on him …. And so did his friends.”

 

Joe took another sip of his drink. “How come?” he asked curiously.

 

“Drink,” said the man next to him. “He’s been a drunkard fer years. Since he was old enough ta come into this place he was always out fer one too many drinks of the stuff. When he was a youngster it was just this,” he indicated the beer in his hand. “Then that wasn’t enough fer him any more and he used ta take straight whiskey.” He leant forward closer to Joe. “Cept he took it by the bottleful, not the glass,” he said and then shook his head. “Too much booze too early in life.”

 

“But what about his family and friends?” asked Joe. “Didn’t anyone try to stop him along the way?”

 

“Oh … people tried I reckon,” said the bartender. “Only he still seemed ta come back for the stuff. I remember his father hauling him outta here a time or time way back … but I reckon he just gave up trying along the way. Everyone did.” He made a face. “The town drunkard … that’s what Tom Atkins was. Drank himself to drink in the end …. But no one’ll miss him.”

 

“Well I think that’s real sad,” said Joe, cradling his beer and looking into it thoughtfully.

 

“Yeah,” said the men next to him. “Seems such a waste of a life don’t it?” He finished his beer and turned to go. “Still ….. I reckon Tom’s finished with it all now.” Joe took his beer and walked over to a table in the corner and sat down. He took off his hat and ran his fingers through his curls as he thought back to the funeral procession he’d seen moments before. Such a waste of a life the man had said … a waste of a life ……….

 

 

**********

 

 

 

“Joseph I’ve had enough of this!’

 

Joe flinched at his father’s words. “I’m sorry Pa,” he said.

 

“You’re sorry!” thundered Ben. “And how many times have I heard that young man? When are you going to stop and think before you do these things? I’ve lost count of the times either one of your brothers or myself have bailed you out of jail for drunken behaviour, or the times you’ve come stumbling in here the worse for drink.” Ben pointed his finger under his son’s nose. “Well it’s about to stop … do you hear me?”

 

“Yes Pa,” said Joe automatically.

 

“Don’t you Yes Pa me,” said Ben sternly. “I’ve heard it so many times before Joseph.” He began to pace up and down the room while Joe looked at him mournfully. “Get upstairs,” said his father finally as he rubbed his temples. “You’re restricted to the ranch until I decide that you’re responsible to go to town again.”

 

Joe turned away and then hesitated, facing his father again. “How long will that be Pa?” he asked tentatively.

 

Ben stared at him. “Well that’s up to you, isn’t it son? The way you’re going though, it could be a very long time. Now go upstairs before I decide that you’re not too old to put over my knee.”

 

Joe scampered up the stairs quickly, his father and brothers watching him without a word. Ben walked over and sat down heavily in his easy chair next to the fire and began to fill his pipe. Hoss gave Adam a mournful look and stood up, walking upstairs without a word. “I suppose you’re ready to say I told you so,” said Ben quietly.

 

“No,” replied Adam, closing his book. “I think we both know that it was inevitable that his good behaviour couldn’t last.”

 

Ben shook his head as he lit his pipe. “I just can’t understand that boy at times,” he sighed. “It’s as if he doesn’t even know what he’s doing.”

 

“Maybe he doesn’t,” replied Adam.

 

Ben gave him a long look. “What do you mean?” he asked finally. “He’s eighteen …. old enough to know the consequences of his actions.”

 

“I know that,” said Adam. “But he’s the sort of kid who just doesn’t think,” he said. “You know that Pa. He’s always been like it. I don’t honestly think that Joe means to do the things he does … he just doesn’t think things through.”

 

“Well it’s about time he learnt to,” said Ben grimly. “I meant what I said … he’s going to stay on this ranch until he can show me that he’s responsible enough to go into town again. This drinking has to stop!”

 

“I know,” said Adam thoughtfully. “You know Pa, when I was in Boston there was this fellar at college who drank quite a bit. We all laughed it off at the time as young fellars do, but when I look back on it I think he had a serious problem. Apparently he never did stop … cost him his career in the end, so I believe.”

 

“Exactly!” said Ben. “I don’t intend for Joseph to have his life ruined by acquiring a taste for alcohol in that way. The boy drinks far too much for someone his age and no son of mine is going to gain a reputation around here as a drinker.” He clenched his jaw. “I don’t care what it takes,” he said grimly. “But that boy is going to grow up right. It’s my job to see to it!”

 

 

**********

 

 

“Joe?” said Hoss as he entered his brother’s room. “You OK?”

 

Joe rolled over on his bed and faced the wall. “I’ve got a headache,” he said. “No lectures, huh Hoss? I’ve had enough of them already today.”

 

“I weren’t gonna lecture ya Joe,” said Hoss, sitting down next to the bed. “I just wanted ta see if you was OK.”

 

Joe turned his head to face his brother. “Thanks,” he said. “I guess no one else around here cares.”

 

“Well ya can’t really blame em fer not showing it at the moment,” said Hoss easily. “You kinda brought this on yaself ya know little brother. What made ya get so drunk this time?”

 

“I dunno,” replied Joe with a sigh. “Just cause I could do it I guess.”

 

“Stupid reason,” said Hoss thoughtfully.

 

“I know,” said Joe in a low voice. “It seemed like a good idea at the time though.”

 

“You’re getting drunk an awful lot lately Joe,” mused Hoss.

 

Joe sighed again. “I know. It’s hard not to when ya drink as much as I do. I sure feel horrible after but.”

 

‘Then why do ya do it?” asked Hoss. “One or two beers is fine, but why don’t ya stop when ya should?”

 

“Well it’s hard … you know? When other fellars keep drinking it’s hard not to … and when someone buys me a drink I kinda feel like I haveta return the favour.” Joe sighed again. “And …”

 

“And … what?” asked Hoss.

 

“I kinda like the feeling it gives me. I feel real good when I drink.”

 

“Until it wears off,” sniffed Hoss. “Look at ya now. Ya look like ya ready ta puke.”

 

“I feel like it,” admitted Joe.

 

Hoss shook his head. “I dunno Joe,” he said. “There’s no figuring that head of yours sometimes.” He turned and left the room, leaving Joe to clutch his stomach and groan as he lay on his bed, feeling sorry for himself.

 

 

**********

 

 

Adam pushed open the swinging doors of the saloon and shook his head as he saw his youngest brother sitting in the corner drinking by himself. “Pa’s been looking for you,” he said sternly as he approached the young man.

 

Joe gave his brother a lopsided grin. “Has he?” he said and took another sip.

 

Adam took the glass firmly out of his hand and put it on the table before picking up Joe’s hat and slamming it down none too gently on his head. “He certainly has,” he said. “I’m taking you home.”

 

“I ain’t finished my drink yet,” protested Joe as Adam pulled him to his feet by the arm.

 

“You’ve had as much as you’re having tonight,” said Adam firmly, pushing his brother in front of him towards the door. “You look like you’ve had too much as it is already.”

 

“Aw come on Adam!” protested Joe. “Why don’t you have one with me?” He gave his brother another lopsided grin, but Adam merely pushed him out between the swinging doors before following him. Joe winced as the cold night air hit him. “Can’t a fellar even have a few drinks without everyone jumping on him?” he muttered as he put his foot in the stirrup of his horse.

 

Adam watched him try to get up on his horse without much success. Finally he reached over and hauled him up by the back of his trousers before mounting up himself and motioning for Joe to follow him. The two brothers rode down the street in silence, Joe swaying a little in the saddle. It wasn’t until they were out of town that he spoke again. “You angry with me?” he asked.

 

“You could say that,” said Adam tersely. “But it’s nothing compared with what Pa is feeling about you right about now. You weren’t supposed to be in town at all, remember?”

 

Joe made a face. “I know,” he admitted. “But …”

 

“But what?” snapped Adam. “Can’t you ever do as you’re told?”

 

Joe shrugged. “I’m sorry,” he said. “But I just had ta have a couple of drinks. I’ve been working hard all week,” he added defensively.

 

“Save it Joe,” said Adam tersely. “I’m not listening.”

 

Joe shrugged and they rode for quite a while before he spoke again. “I gotta stop for a minute,” he said suddenly.

 

Adam turned in his saddle. “You just keep on riding,” he said. “Pa is sick with worry about you and I aim to get you home as soon as possible.”

 

Joe went pale. “But …” He leant over the side of his horse and promptly vomited up the contents of his stomach. Adam wrinkled his nose in a disgusted manner and waited until his brother had stopped retching before undoing the stopper on his canteen and handing it to him. “Rinse,” he ordered.

 

Joe rinsed and then handed the canteen back to his brother. “Thanks,” he said.

 

“Now ride,” said Adam firmly. “Get moving.” Joe gave his brother a mournful look and spurred his horse forward again.

 

It was a full two hours later before the two brothers finally made it to the house. “They’re here,” said Hoss, looking out of the study window.

 

Ben strode over and looked as well. “You brother looks the worse for wear once again,” he snapped.

 

Hoss gave his father a helpless look and walked to the front door, reaching it just as Adam was helping Joe into the room. “He’s had a skinful,” said Adam as Hoss took hold of his youngest brother. “I’m sorry I’ve been so long Pa, but he kept throwing up on the way home, so we had to keep stopping.”

 

Ben shook his head at the sight of his youngest son. “Get him up to bed Hoss,” he said. “I’ll deal with him in the morning. He won’t make sense of anything I say to him now.”

 

“Yes sir,” said Hoss. “Come on Joe. Up we go.” He supported his brother around the waist as they made their way up the stairs slowly.

 

“Here we go again,” said Ben grimly as he watched them. “I’m sick and tired of having to check and see if he stays in his room when he’s sent there.” He sat down on the edge of his desk. “What is wrong with the boy Adam? Is he unhappy about something? What on earth is it? Do you know?”

 

“No Pa I don’t,” said Adam. “Although …” His voice trailed away.

 

“Although what?” asked Ben, his eyes darting towards his son.

 

Adam sat down on a chair and gave his father a hesitant look. “Well … I don’t know … it was just something that occurred to me when I found him in the saloon tonight.”

 

“Well? What is it? Spit it out!” said Ben.

 

“He was sitting by himself drinking,” explained Adam. “There was no one with him … he was all alone. I’ve always thought that he drank to be sociable Pa, but this was the first time that I had my doubts. He was just drinking as if …. Well as if he was drinking just for the sake of it.”

 

“I see,” said Ben thoughtfully. He shook his head. “What am I to do Adam? I’ve tried confining him to the ranch …. and now his room. Nothing seems to work. Am I supposed to tie him up for heavens sake? We can’t watch him all the time!” He put his face in his hands. “God help us,” he said softly. “I hate to think of a son of mine becoming a ….”

 

“Pa it’s not that serious,” interrupted Adam. “I’m sure it’s not.”

 

“Are you Adam?” asked Ben. “This has been going on for a while now. Every chance he gets he’s in town in that saloon. Where is this leading? I hate to think.” He squared his shoulders. “I have to help him … but God help me, I’m just not sure how.” He tried to smile at his son. “You go on up to bed son,” he said. “Thank you for bringing him home.”

 

Adam put a hand on his father’s shoulder. “That’s what big brothers are for,” he said. “Don’t worry too much about him Pa. You’ve spent years teaching him the right way to live and it’ll stick by him. He’ll get through this phase.”

 

Ben placed his hand on top of Adam’s and patted it. “I sure hope so Adam,” he said. “I sure hope so.”

 

 

**********

 

 

Ben woke up with a start, wondering why he would suddenly have come back to consciousness in the middle of the night. He sat up and lit the lamp next to his bed, glancing at his pocket watch on the dresser. Two o’clock! He snuggled down under the covers again and then opened his eyes once again as he heard a small noise. He sat up again and reached for his robe, pulling it on as he swung his legs over the edge of the bed. He opened the top drawer of his dresser and took out a small pistol, checking it as he walked towards the door of his bedroom.

 

As he got to the end of the hallway, Ben looked around the top of the staircase. He breathed a sigh of relief as he saw Joe sitting in front of the fireplace which was still glowing with the last of the embers from the night’s fire. “Joseph,” he said softly as he walked down the stairs and was surprised to see his son give a guilty start. “What are you doing up at this hour?”

 

“I … um … couldn’t sleep,” said Joe. Ben glanced down and saw that his son was holding a glass of whiskey in his hand. “I thought this might help to put me off,” said Joe defensively.

 

“I see,” said his father, sitting down next to him. “Hot milk might work better you know.”

 

Joe gave his father an angry look. “I’ve had a hard week,” he spat out. “Do you begrudge me just one drink when I need it?”

 

“Did I say that I did?” asked Ben mildly. He glanced at the near-empty whiskey bottle on the coffee table. “It seems like you’ve had more than one though.”

 

“Adam always helps himself and you don’t mind,” snapped Joe. “I didn’t think it would matter if I did.”

 

“I would have said yes if you’d asked,” said his father, watching him closely.

 

“Bit hard to do that when you were asleep,” muttered Joe, taking another sip.

 

Ben nodded. “Yes,” he said. “Although I suspect that you still wouldn’t have asked Joseph.” Joe said nothing in reply to his father’s comment. “It’s obvious to me that you don’t want anyone to know how much you drink,” continued Ben.

 

“I don’t drink that much,” muttered Joe, looking at the whiskey in his hand. Ben raised an eyebrow, but said nothing. “I don’t!” said Joe into the silence that was between them.

 

“You do Joe,” said Ben. “You drink far too much than you should for a young man your age.”

 

Joe stood up and began to pace up and down in front of the fireplace. “That’s your opinion,” he said finally.

 

Ben raised the other eyebrow. “You speak to me politely young man,” he said sternly. “Do you hear me?”

 

Joe stopped pacing. “Yes sir,” he muttered.

 

“What is going on?” asked Ben. “I want to know why you are drinking so much Joe.”

 

“I don’t know,” said Joe sullenly. “I just like it, that’s all.”

 

Ben nodded. “I see.” He sat down on the sofa and motioned for Joe to do the same. “Joseph I’m very worried about you,” he said.

 

Joe gave his father a puzzled look. “You don’t need to be,” he said.

 

“I’m not so sure about that,” continued Ben. “This drinking habit of yours has become quite a problem son.”

 

Joe shook his head. “It ain’t a problem Pa,” he said sincerely. “Honest.”

 

Ben put his arm around his son’s shoulder. “Joe I want you to do something,” he said.

 

“Yeah? What?”

 

“I want you to give up drinking for a specified length of time …. Say two weeks.”

 

Joe frowned. “Why?” he asked.

 

“To prove that you can do it,” said his father.

 

Joe snorted. “Of course I can do it,” he said. “I don’t need to drink all the time.”

 

“Then you’re prepared to prove that?” asked Ben.

 

Joe shook his father’s arm off and stood up. “Why should I?” he said defensively. “I told you that I don’t need to drink and that’s the truth.”

 

“Good,” said Ben standing up beside him. “Then you’ll have no trouble stopping for two weeks.”

 

“Why should I?” asked Joe again.

 

“Because I’m asking you to,” said his father simply. “I’d like you to do this Joseph.”

 

Joe gave his father a frustrated look. “OK,” he said finally. “I’ll do it. Two weeks. Just to show you that I can.”

 

Ben nodded. “Thank you,” he said.

 

 

**********

 

 

Joe fidgeted restlessly on the sofa as he waited for Hoss to make his move. “Hurry up!” he said testily.

 

Hoss continued to scratch his head as he surveyed the chessboard in between them. “I’m thinking,” he said.

 

Joe gave a loud sigh and rolled his eyes. “You’ve been thinking for five minutes,” he said impatiently. “Can’t you just make a move?”

 

“I’ll make a move when I’m good and ready,” retorted Hoss. “Just be patient shortshanks.”

 

“Don’t call me that!” snapped Joe.

 

Hoss grinned at him. “Ok then,” he said. “Big shorty.”

 

Joe rolled his eyes. “Just make a move for crying out loud,” he snapped. “Hurry up!” He began to drum his fingers on the coffee table impatiently.

 

“Can you please stop that?” said Adam, from behind his book.

 

“What?” snapped Joe.

 

“That.” Adam pointed to his brother’s and on the table. “It’s annoying.”

 

“So-rry!” said Joe sarcastically and stopped. His left foot began to twitch with impatience and the movement caused the coffee table to move slightly.

 

“Quit it!” said Hoss. “You’re gonna upset the pieces Joe. Keep still why don’t ya?”

 

“I am,” said Joe crossly. “If you’d make a move then maybe …”

 

“Joseph would you please just calm down?” said his father.

 

“I am calm!” snapped Joe. “Hoss just won’t make a move!”

 

“What’s eating you?” asked Hoss, staring at his brother. “If you don’t shut up, then I ain’t playing no more anyhow Joe.”

 

“Suit yourself!” snapped Joe, standing up abruptly. “I woulda won anyway.” He strode over to the staircase. “I’m going to bed!” he announced.

 

Hoss shook his head and replaced the chess pieces on the board. “He sure has been crabby these past few days,” he said. “I can’t make him out. You want a game Adam?”

 

Adam shut his book. “Sure,” he said.

 

Ben sat thoughtfully puffing on his pipe and staring into the fire, wondering just how much of Joe’s bad temper was caused by lack of alcohol this past week. He hated to think that his son had been drinking so much that he was feeling the effects of withdrawing from it, but it seemed to him that the boy’s constant fidgeting and bad temper lately might be just that. He hoped with all his heart that this challenge he’d given Jose to give it up for two weeks would be exactly what the young man needed to get back on track in his life. If they could all just live through these next few days with his bad moods then Ben had every confidence that it would be so. He stood up and stretched.

 

“I think I’ll have an early night as well boys,” he said. “Goodnight.”

 

“Night Pa,” said Adam and Hoss, not looking up from the chessboard.

 

Ben climbed the stairs slowly and then picked up a lamp from the table at the top and lit it. He walked down the hall towards his bedroom, noticing as he did so that there was no light showing from under Joe’s door. With a smile, he opened it. “Well you certainly got into bed quickly,” he said. “Good night son.” There was no answer. Ben approached the bed and shut his eyes momentarily as he saw that it was empty. “Joseph,” he breathed softly. “Oh Joseph!” He hung his head and said a silent prayer for his wayward son.

 

 

**********

 

 

“I brought him in bout midnight,” explained Roy as Ben sat down on a chair on the other side of his desk. “I reckoned you’d be in eventually ta get him.”

 

“How much damage was there to the saloon?” asked Ben wearily.

 

“I’m not sure,” replied Roy. “You’ll have to check with Sam about that. I told him that you’d most likely be over there this morning to settle up with him.”

 

“Of course,” said Ben, standing up again.

 

“You wanna get Joe now … or after?” asked Roy.

 

“Later,” said Ben. “Actually I’d like you to keep him here until this afternoon if you don’t mind Roy. I’ll be in to get him then.”

 

“Don’t make any difference ta me how long I keep him for,” replied the sheriff. “In fact the way he looked last night he probably needs that long ta sleep it off.”

 

“Thanks,” said Ben absently. “I’ll be in late this afternoon then.”

 

 

**********

 

 

“You’ve already been into town once this morning,” said Adam. “I can go and get him if you like Pa.”

 

Ben shook his head as he tightened the cinch on his horse. “Thank you Adam, but no,” he said. “I’m going.”

 

“I don’t mind,” insisted Adam, thinking that the longer his father stayed away from Joe the better at the moment.

 

“I said no,” snapped Ben. He looked at both of his sons. “I’m sorry,” he said. “I’m not angry with you two. It’s just ….” He took a deep breath as Hop Sing appeared in the yard with two large parcels. “Thank you Hop Sing,” he said, taking them from the man and putting them on the mule beside him. “I’m just so worried about your brother,” he explained to Adam and Hoss.

 

“Aren’t we all?” said Adam.

 

“Why are ya taking the mule Pa?” asked Hoss.

 

“I’ll be gone for a few days boys,” said Ben, getting up on his horse. “Your brother and I will be going fishing for a while.”

 

“Fishing?” said Hoss incredulously.

 

“Yes fishing,” said Ben firmly. “If I have some time with him alone then maybe I’ll be able to get through to him,” he said flatly. I’ll see you in a few days boys.” He hesitated. “Actually I’m not sure how long we’ll be gone … it could be even longer. We’ll be in the line shack up near Bluff Peak in case you need me.”

 

“We’ll be fine Pa,” Adam assured his father. “You take your time … we’ll look after things around here until you get back. Good luck,” he added.

 

Ben nodded, knowing that his son understood. “Thank you son,” he said. “Goodbye boys.”

 

“He don’t seem too het up with Joe this time,” said Hoss as they watched their father ride out of the yard, leading the mule behind him. “Can’t figure why he’d wanna take Joe fishing though. I woulda thought he wouldn’t let him out of the house after that stunt shortshanks pulled last night.”

 

Adam put his hand on Hoss’ shoulder. “I don’t think that fishing is really what Pa has in mind,” he said thoughtfully. “As a matter of fact, I have a suspicion that our younger brother might wish that Pa had left him in jail after a few days.”

 

 

**********

 

 

Joe swallowed as he heard his father’s deep voice outside in the sheriff’s office. He’d been expecting him all day and even though he was mighty glad that he’d finally come to get him out of this stinking cell, he couldn’t help but dread what was before him now. He knew the scene well. His father would give him one of his warning looks that meant that the tongue-lashing would begin when they got home. There would be a stony silence from him as Joe was forced to ride home in silence and when they finally arrived home …. Joe winced as he thought about the lecture that was ahead of him. Any way he looked at it …. It wasn’t going to be pleasant.

 

“Hi Pa,” he said, standing up as his father and Roy Coffee entered the room.

 

“Joseph,” said Ben, nodding at him as he waited for Roy to unlock the cell. “Thank you Roy,” he said. He motioned at Joe. “You come with me,” he said shortly and then turned his back on his son.

 

Joe picked up his hat. “Yes sir,” he said meekly, knowing that this was no time to argue. “Thanks sheriff,” he mumbled as he walked out of the cell. “Sorry bout all the trouble.”

 

Roy nodded to him as Ben left the building. “Bye Joe,” he said. “Good luck.”

 

“I’m gonna need it this time,” mumbled Joe as he walked outside. The bright sunshine made him blink a couple of times and he put on his hat immediately, feeling the pounding of his head as it began to throb again. He mounted his horse which was next to his father’s noticing with surprise that Ben also had a mule with him. “What’s the mule for?” he asked.

 

His father said nothing, but merely turned his horse around and began to ride slowly down the street. After a moment’s hesitation, Joe began to follow him. As they got to the end of town, Ben unexpectedly turned in the opposite direction to The Ponderosa and Joe stopped in surprise. “Where are we going?” he asked.

 

“We’re going fishing,” said his father as he continued to ride.

 

Joe caught up with him. “How come?” he asked. Again, his father was silent, and Joe decided that his best course of action at this point was to merely go along with whatever the man was doing … so he continued to follow him silently. After half an hour though, his curiosity got the better of him. He couldn’t for the life of him figure out why they would be going fishing at this time and his father’s attitude was strange to say the least. There had been no yelling from him and even though Ben didn’t look very happy with Joe and wasn’t speaking to him … there wasn’t the usual tension in the air that Joe felt at such times.

 

“I’m sorry about what happened Pa,” he ventured finally.

 

“I’m sure you are,” replied his father.

 

Joe tried again. “I didn’t mean to bust up the saloon like that,” he said. Again, there was a long silence. “I’m sorry I went in for a drink like that too,” he added. “I know I promised not to … but I …” his voice trailed away.

 

“Yes?” asked Ben.

 

“I dunno,” said Joe mournfully. “I guess I just hadta have one.”

 

His son’s words pierced Ben’s heart and he knew with certainty at that moment that he was doing the right thing. “I see,” he said shortly.

 

“I won’t do it again,” said Joe eagerly. “I promise.” There was a long silence again. “Are we really going fishing?” he asked after a while.

 

“Yes.”

 

“How come?” There was silence again, so Joe merely sighed and rode next to his father quietly.

 

 

**********

 

 

“You light the fire Joe,” said Ben. “I’ll bring our things in.”

 

“How come we’re staying here?” asked Joe, looking around the small line-shack. “We didn’t have to come around to this side of the lake did we? We coulda fished closer to home.”

 

And closer to town, added Ben to himself. “Get the fire going,” he instructed again as he went outside to get their bedrolls and the food that Hop Sing had packed.

 

Joe shrugged and started to light the fire. There wasn’t any figuring his father at the moment, he thought. But if he wanted to fish for a few days, then Joe was more than happy to do it. It was sure better than work and much better than begin punished for what he’d done. That was the one thing he couldn’t figure out though. It just wasn’t like his Pa not to punish him and he was sure that there’d be a lecture while he was up here one way or the other. He sighed. Well, he’d just have to wait until his father was ready to deliver and make the best of things while he did.

 

“How come we’ve come fishing?” he asked later that evening as they both ate their supper in front of the blazing fire.

 

Ben looked at his son’s face in the firelight. “I think it’s a good idea for you and I to spend some time together at the moment,” he said. “Just the two of us.”

 

Joe tried to smile at his father, still not sure where all this was leading to and anxious to make amends with him. “How long will we be here for?” he asked.

 

“As long as we need to be,” replied Ben cryptically.

 

“What do you mean?” asked Joe. “Need to be for what?”

 

Ben put down his plate. “Good night Joe,” he said as he rolled himself into his bedroll. “Sleep well son.”

 

“Night Pa,” said Joe, giving his father a puzzled look. He sat staring into the fire for a few minutes, thinking that there was just no figuring the man out at the moment.

 

He still found it difficult to figure him out the next day. His father didn’t seem to be angry with him at all about what had happened, and the lecture didn’t seem to be forthcoming either. In fact, as the day progressed, Joe felt himself relaxing in his father’s presence as they fished side by side. “This is the life ain’t it Pa?” he said happily that afternoon.

 

“Sure is,” said Ben. “We’re going to eat well tonight.” He indicated the string of fish beside them happily.

 

Joe grinned at the man, happy that any tension there had been yesterday seemed to be behind them now. “I’ve been a real pain lately Pa,” he said suddenly. “I’m sorry about everything.”

 

Ben hesitated. “Are you Joe?” he asked, looking at his son intently. “Do you really mean that son?”

 

“Yeah …. I really mean it Pa,” answered Joe sincerely.

 

Ben patted him on the shoulder. “Let’s get this fish cooked eh?” he said.

 

Joe picked up the fish. “Sure,” he said in a puzzled tone. It was strange that his father hadn’t pursued the topic, as the more Joe thought about it, the more convinced that it was why his Pa had brought him up here … to have some time to talk it through. Yet he seemed reluctant to do so. It wasn’t like him and Joe couldn’t put his finger on why the man didn’t seem to be acting his usual self. Still …. he mused … at least they were having some time to fish together and that could only be a good thing.

 

 

**********

 

 

“What’s the matter?” asked Ben as Joe turned restlessly in his bedroll for the third time in as many minutes. “Can’t you sleep?”

 

“No,” replied Joe shortly. If the truth were known, he would have given anything for a drink right about now … even though he knew that there was no chance of getting one … and the thought of it seemed to be keeping him awake for some reason. He didn’t know why he’d suddenly thought about it, but it only served to make him irritable. “When are we going home Pa?” he asked into the darkness.

 

“I thought you were enjoying yourself?” said Ben softly.

 

“I am,” Joe replied. “You know I love to fish. But it’s been three days now and …. well … Adam and Hoss will be wondering where we are.”

 

“Don’t worry about them,” replied his father. “I told them that we’d be a while.”

 

“But there’s work to do,” insisted Joe, getting up on one elbow and staring at his father through the darkness.

 

Ben chuckled. “Well that’s the first time I’ve ever heard you wanting to get back to work Joe,” he said.

 

Joe gave a half smile. “I know,” he admitted. “I just don’t think it’s fair to Hoss and Adam, that’s all.”

 

Ben raised an eyebrow, which his son failed to see in the darkness. “I see,” he said. “Well you let me worry about what’s fair,” he said. “Now try and get some sleep or you’ll be cranky tomorrow.”

 

But Joe was cranky the next day. For some reason he felt in a bad mood and couldn’t seem to relax in order to enjoy the fishing. In fact, it all seemed to have become boring to him. “When are we going home?” he snapped that afternoon.

 

“When I say so,” said Ben mildly.

 

Joe rolled his eyes in frustration. “How come?” he said sulkily. “I’m ready to go home now Pa. I’ve had enough of fishing.”

 

“Well I haven’t,” replied his father calmly. “Hand me the bait please.”

 

Joe handed his father the tin can full of worms. ‘Ain’t you sick of this yet?” he asked fretfully. His head was pounding and he felt a headache coming on.

 

“No.”

 

“Well I am,” he snapped irritably. “I wanna go home.”

 

“You mean that you want to go to town,” said Ben dryly.

 

Joe glared at his father. “No,” he insisted. “I just wanna go home.”

 

Ben nodded. “I see,” he said.

 

Joe turned on his father. “You see what?” he snapped. ‘You always say that you see … but you never say what!”

 

Ben stared at his son. “Don’t you raise your voice to me boy,” he said quietly.

 

“I’m sorry Pa,” said Joe immediately in a contrite voice. “I just can’t see why we can’t go home now.”

 

Ben stared at the water. “We’ll go home when I say so,” he said in a low voice. “And not before Joseph.” Joe stood up and stomped away from the water angrily while Ben continued to stare into the lake.

 

 

**********

 

 

“Is this all we’re going to do?” asked Joe in an irritated tone.

 

“I thought you liked to fish?” replied Ben.

 

“I do,” said Joe. “But not forever!”

 

“It’s been four days,” said his father calmly. “That’s not forever.”

 

“Feels like it,” muttered the youngster sulkily.

 

“Are you feeling alright?” asked Ben, watching his son massage his temples.

 

“I’ve got a headache,” muttered Joe.

 

“Why don’t you get some sleep then?”

 

“Cause I don’t want to!” his son snapped angrily. “Don’t tell me what to do all the time!” Ben said nothing, but stared at his son for a moment until Joe withdrew his gaze, looking ashamed of himself. “Sorry,” he mumbled softly.

 

Ben continued to stoke the fire and finally Joe lay down and rolled himself up into his bedroll, turning away from his father. Ben sat looking at his son’s back, wondering how long they would need to be up here. Joe was definitely showing the effects of the alcohol withdrawing from his body and he knew that his moods could only get worse. Still, being so far from home and town the youngster had no chance of getting a drink and Ben was counting on that and his own determination to get them both through this.

 

Later that night as Ben was dozing by the fire, he heard a small noise and opened his eyes with a start to see his son’s bedroll across from him empty. He sat up quickly and peered into the darkness beyond the fire. “Joe?” he said softly. “Joseph is that you? Where are you?”

 

Ben got up from his bedroll and walked outside where he saw Joe saddling his horse. “Where are you going?” he asked.

 

Joe gave a start. “Oh Pa,” he said. “I didn’t know you were awake.”

 

“Obviously not,” said Ben, his sarcasm not lost on his son. “I asked you where you were going Joseph.”

 

Joe tightened his cinch. “I’m going home,” he said shortly. “I’ve had enough fishing.”

 

Ben put his hand on his son’s shoulder. “You’re not going anywhere son,” he said firmly. “Now come inside.”

 

Joe shrugged off his father’s touch. “I’m going home,” he said.

 

Ben took hold of the youngster’s sleeve and pulled him back into the house. “You’re staying here,” he said firmly, pushing him down onto a chair. “Now do as you’re told.”

 

Joe glared up at his father. “Why can’t I go home?” he demanded.

 

“Because you weren’t going home …. You were going to town,” replied Ben, sitting down on a chair facing opposite his son.

 

“No I wasn’t!” declared Joe indignantly.

 

“Yes you were. You were sneaking off to town to have a drink. Face it son …. You have a drinking problem.”

 

“I do not!” shouted Joe, trying to stand up, but his father pushed him down onto the chair again.

 

“Yes you do,” said Ben patiently. “And I aim to help you overcome it Joe … no matter what it takes.”

 

Joe stared at his father for a moment. “That’s why you brought me up here isn’t it?” he said. “To get me away from town?”

 

“Yes,” admitted Ben.

 

“You’re making too much of this,” said Joe. “I don’t have a problem with drinking Pa …. Honest I don’t.”

 

“Then prove it to me,” replied his father.

 

Joe’s eyes narrowed. “You don’t trust me!” he spat out suddenly. “You don’t trust me at all, do you?”

 

Ben shook his head. “Frankly Joe … no I don’t. Not at the moment anyway. You haven’t given me any reason to son. I know in your heart that you know you have a problem … I’m just trying to force you to face it. You need help.”

 

“You keep saying that!” shouted Joe. “I don’t have a problem, so stop saying it!”

 

“Then prove it to me,” said his father simply. “I hope I’m wrong Joseph … God knows that I do. Help me to be wrong son.” He looked deeply into his son’s eyes, but Joe averted his gaze from that of his father’s. “Joe?” said Ben gently.

 

“What?”

 

“Look at me.” Joe reluctantly looked at his father. “You need to spend some time without drinking to clean out your body. Now it’s going to be hard … but I’m here to help you son. You can do this …. I know that you can.”

 

“There’s nothing I need to do Pa,” said Joe sulkily.

 

Ben nodded. “I hope that’s the case Joseph. Just remember that I’m here to help you son. I’ll do whatever it takes. Now go back to sleep. I’ll be sitting up here all night if I have to until you do.”

 

Joe sighed dramatically. “You’re wasting your time,” he said angrily.

 

“It’s my time to waste,” said Ben easily. “Now get some sleep while I put away your horse.” He ignored the dark look that Joe gave him as he stood up and walked towards the door.

 

 

**********

 

 

“You want some breakfast?” asked Ben as Joe rolled over in his bedroll.

 

“No,” the youngster replied sulkily.

 

“It’ll do you good,” suggested his father.

 

“I’m not hungry!” Joe sat up and gave his father a look that made Ben acutely aware that his son hadn’t gotten over their discussion from last night. “I’m going to the outhouse,” said Joe grumpily as he stood up.

 

Ben waited and within moments Joe was back at the door, his eyes blazing angrily. “Where’s my saddle?” he demanded of his father.

 

“Why are you looking for it?” asked Ben casually as he took a bite of his breakfast.

 

“I’m not,” snapped Joe. “I just noticed that it was missing.” Ben indicated their two saddles that were sitting in a corner of the small line shack, behind his own bedroll. “Why did you put them there?” asked Joe testily. “So that I can’t get to em without you knowing in the middle of the night?”

 

“Something like that,” said his father. “Have some breakfast.”

 

Joe merely glared at him and stomped off again. He came back moments later and sat down on a chair next to his bedroll, crossing his arms over his chest …. looking for all the world like a small child having a tantrum.

 

“Are you coming fishing with me today?” asked his father as he finished up his breakfast.

 

“No!”

 

“Suit yourself,” said Ben easily. He began to clean up his breakfast things and then sat down on a chair and opened a book.

 

Joe stared at him for a few moments. “Aren’t you going fishing?” he asked finally.

 

“Not if you’re not,” replied Ben, turning a page.

 

“So you’re just gonna watch me all day to make sure I don’t leave … is that it?” spat Joe.

 

“Yes,” said Ben calmly. “Now you can go fishing … or stay here and read a book … or I brought the chessboard. There’s lots to do … but whatever you decide to do … we’ll be doing it together … understand?” Joe opened his mouth to say something and then closed it again as he thought better of it. He lay down on his bedroll again and rolled over to face the wall. “You really should just try and relax while we’re here Joe,” continued his father. “Enjoy the time we have together.”

 

“How can I enjoy it?” muttered Joe sulkily, still looking at the wall. “I’m being kept a prisoner by my own father.” His began to fidget anxiously with his fingers, something that didn’t go unnoticed by Ben.

 

“Just try to calm down son,” he said soothingly. Joe said nothing for such a long time that Ben returned to his book and after a while was sure that his son was asleep. When Joe spoke again he gave him quite a start, as he wasn’t expecting it.

 

“Are you going to sit up and guard me every night?”

 

Ben shut his book again. “If I have to,” he admitted. “I told you that I’ll do whatever it takes to get you through this and I will.”

 

Joe rolled over to face his father and Ben could see traces of dried tears on his cheeks. His heart went out to the youngster immediately. “Please let me go home Pa,” Joe said, giving his father one of his best puppy dog looks.

 

Ben shook his head resolutely. “No Joseph,” he said firmly. “We’re staying here.”

 

Joe’s expression turned to one of anger instantly. “I could get away if I wanted to,” he warned. “You can’t watch me all the time.”

 

Ben nodded thoughtfully. “That’s true. You probably could,” he admitted. “But I know that you won’t do it.”

 

Joe gave his father a puzzled look. “What makes you so sure?” he asked.

 

“Because I know you,” replied Ben, bending forward towards the youngster. “Deep down you know that I’m right and you won’t go against me in this.” He reached out to stroke Joe’s hair off his forehead. “I love you Joe. You know that and you’ll do as I want you to … for your own good.”

 

Joe was silent for a moment as he allowed his father to fondle his hair. Presently he turned away from him again and faced the wall again and Ben opened his book once more and continued to read.

 

 

**********

 

 

Joe groaned as he sat up and rubbed his eyes. “So you’re awake at last,’ said Ben. “Sleep well?”

 

“Yes.” Joe gave his father a sideways glance. “I’ve got a real bad headache though.”

 

Ben nodded. “That’s probably to be expected,” he said. “Drink some water.” He reached over and handed Joe a canteen. “Here you go.”

 

Joe took it and began to drink slowly. “Thanks,” he said. After he’d finished he looked at the canteen in his hands as he said softly. “I’m sorry for what I said before Pa.”

 

“I know you are son. It’s alright,” said Ben.

 

“I feel lousy,” continued Joe. “Maybe we should go home now and I’ll sleep it off.” He looked at his father hopefully, but Ben shook his head. “Please?” Joe asked. “I promise that …”

 

Ben shook his head again. “No Joe,” he said quietly. “We’re staying here son.” Joe’s shoulders slumped and he put down the canteen before lying down and closing his eyes again. Ben’s heart constricted as he watched his son sleeping. It was taking all of his fortitude to maintain his composure through this and he prayed that he’d be able to maintain it for as long as Joe needed him to. How long that would be he didn’t honestly know … but he prayed that it would end soon.

 

 

**********

 

 

“I think I can eat a bit tonight,” said Joe, smiling at his father.

 

“Well that’s a good sign,” said Ben happily. “I’m glad to hear that your stomach has settled son.”

 

Joe nodded. “Yeah,” he said, reaching for the plate that his father held out to him. “I guess it is.” The two ate in silence for a while in front of the fire, Ben glancing at Joe’s pale face a couple of times. The boy did seem to have a bit more energy this evening, although Ben found it hard to know if it was genuine or put on. Joe seemed to be capable of trying anything to get away from here.

 

“You know, I’ve decided that I’m not ever going to drink again,” said Joe, looking at his father sideways to gauge his reaction to his statement. “I reckon that’s best, don’t you Pa?”

 

“If you think so son,” said Ben. “Personally I think that might be a very difficult thing to maintain. Perhaps if you just tried to limit your drinking once all this is over.”

 

“What do you mean?” asked Joe. “It is over now. I don’t feel like a drink any more Pa. I’m better.” He smiled at his father.

 

“I see.” Ben didn’t comment further. He noticed his son’s hands shaking as he held the plate and Joe’s attempts to stop them.

 

“Well maybe just one drink now and then mightn’t hurt,” said Joe casually. “Just so I … as you say … limit myself.” He smiled at his father again. “I reckon you were right Pa,” he said. “I did have a bit of a problem. I’m glad it’s over now though.” Ben said nothing, but continued to eat. “It was just me wanting a drink that made me say all them things to you before,” continued Joe.

 

“I know son.”

 

“It won’t happen again.”

 

“I hope not.”

 

Joe’s smile got bigger. “Thanks Pa,” he said. “So are we going home in the morning?”

 

“No.”

 

Joe’s smile vanished. “What do you mean no?” he said incredulously. “Don’t you believe me when I tell you that I’m over it?”

 

It hurt Ben to have to tell his son the truth, but he did it anyway. “No,” he said simply. “I don’t.” He pointed to Joe’s shaking hands. “You’re shaking Joe,” he said simply.

 

Joe immediately put down the plate. “So?” he said defensively. “I’m just a bit cold, that’s all.” When his father didn’t reply, he scowled. “Are you going to keep me here forever?” he said.

 

“Not forever,” said Ben. “Just for as long as it takes.”

 

Joe sprang to his feet and began to pace up and down the small room, wringing his hands in front of him. “What’s it going to take to convince you that I’m telling the truth?” he asked. “What’s it going to take Pa?”

 

“Joe … sit down and eat.”

 

“I don’t want to eat! I want to go home! You’ve got no right to keep me here!” Joe shouted, waving his hands around.

 

“I have every right,” said Ben calmly. “I’m your father. Now stop shouting at me young man.”

 

Joe turned on him. “I’m going home!” he shouted. “I don’t care what you say … I’m going home and you can’t stop me!” He sprang across the room towards his saddle and began to pick it up. Ben threw down his plate and got up, pinning Joe’s arms to his sides and causing him to drop the saddle.

 

“Now you stop this!” he said, trying to keep the anger out of his voice. “Stop this immediately!”

 

“Let me go!” shouted Joe. “Let me go Pa!”

 

“I’ll let you go when you’ve calmed down,” said Ben firmly. “Stop it!”

 

Joe stopped struggling against his father. “Alright,” he said angrily. “I’m calm.” Ben let go of him and he turned to face his father. “Why won’t you believe me?’ he asked. “Please believe me Pa! I’m telling you the truth.” Ben shook his head and Joe dropped to the floor, crouching into a ball and rocking back and forwards. “I need a drink,” he sobbed into his knees.” Please let me have a drink!” He looked up at his father pleadingly. “Just one drink Pa. I promise I’ll only have one and then I’ll stop.”

 

Ben knelt down on the floor and gathered his son into his arms. “Hold on Joe,” he said softly. “Just hold on son.”

 

Joe sobbed in his father’s arms. “Please Pa,” he whispered. “Just one drink. One drink can’t hurt.”

 

“Yes it can son,” said Ben, rocking his son back and forth. “Just try and relax.”

 

Joe continued to sob. “Please,” he murmured over and over again until Ben thought that his head would burst with the very sound of it. “Please …. Please …”

 

“You’ll get through this Joe,” Ben murmured to the boy in his arms. “You’ll get over it Joe … I know that you will. I promise you.” He closed his eyes and prayed for the strength that they would both need in the time ahead of them.

 

 

**********

 

 

Ben sat on the floor next to Joe’s bedroll and wiped his son’s face with the damp cloth that he had in his hand. “Feeling any better?” he asked, putting the newly washed bowl on the floor beside him. He’d lost count of how many times he’d emptied it now since sun-up, and wondered just how much more his son could take of this. Joe shook his head in response to his father’s question and was silent. “Have some water,” suggested Ben, picking up the canteen next to him. “You need as much as you can drink to replace the fluids that you’re losing.” He held the canteen to Joe’s mouth and lifted his head so that the youngster could drink it easily. “Better?” he asked. Joe nodded slightly as he put his head down again on the pillow.

 

There was silence for a long time as Joe’s body shook in the bed. Finally, he turned to his father and he gave him a sideways glance. “Just one drink wouldn’t hurt,” he tried again.

 

“No.”

 

Joe’s face crumpled and Ben could see that he was trying to hold his emotions in check and not break down. He gripped himself around the waist and drew his legs up, his face contorted in an expression of anguish. Ben reached for the bowl again and held it under the youngster’s chin, but Joe shook his head. “I don’t need it,” he gasped.

 

“Stomach cramps again?” sympathised his father.

 

“Yes,” he said, flinching. He took several deep breaths until they had passed and then his body relaxed again. He tossed his head to and fro several times on the pillow, breathing shallowly. “I hate you for doing this,” he gasped suddenly.

 

“You don’t mean that,” said Ben, his calmness masking his hurt.

 

“Yes I do,” gasped Joe, clutching his stomach again desperately.

 

Ben closed his eyes momentarily, knowing that it was the boy’s illness that was talking and not himself. “Well Joe, if that’s the price I have to pay to see you well and whole again, then I’m willing to pay it,” he said calmly. He stared into his son’s eyes and Joe averted his gaze once more from that of his father’s. “You body is ruling your mind at the moment Joe,” added his father. “You don’t know what you’re saying.”

 

Joe began to groan softly and clutched at his stomach again. He lifted his head and threw up into the bowl that Ben held quickly under his chin. He pulled away from his father as Ben wiped his mouth and began to rock back and forwards in the bed. “Oh God,” he murmured softly. “Oh God.”

 

Ben stroked his son’s hair. “Close your eyes Joe,” he said softly. “Try and get some sleep son.”

 

 

**********

 

 

Joe blinked a couple of times as he opened his eyes and looked up into the concerned eyes of his father. “Pa?” he said sleepily. “What time is it?”

 

“Almost noon,” said his father. “How do you feel?”

 

“Sleepy,” murmured Joe, blinking again.

 

“Well that’s obvious,” joked Ben. “You’ve been sleeping on and off since yesterday afternoon.”

 

“Have I?” Joe stretched. “My stomach feels better.”

 

“That’s good,” said Ben. “I’ll fix you some soup then.” He bent over the fire and began stirring something in a pot. “It will help when you get something in your stomach and can keep it down,” he added.

 

Joe nodded. “I didn’t know that we brought soup with us,” he said in a weak voice.

 

“We didn’t,” said Ben. “Hop Sing sent some.” He indicated Adam who was sitting in the corner.

 

Joe frowned. “I didn’t know you were there,” he said.

 

Adam grinned at him. “I brought you both some clean clothes and some food,” he said. “Thought I’d better check on you both seeing as how you’ve been away so long.”

 

“Oh.” Joe turned his face to the wall, embarrassed that his brother knew what had been going on.

 

“Here you are,” said Ben, bringing over a bowl. “This will make you feel better. Sit up and drink it.” He helped Joe to a sitting position and propped an extra pillow behind his back before sitting down and smiling at him.

 

“It’s good,” said Joe, sipping the hot liquid slowly. “Are you staying?” he asked Adam.

 

“Just tonight. I’ll be heading back in the morning.”

 

Joe looked at his father, but Ben shook his head. “We’ll be here for a bit longer,” the man said simply. Joe nodded, too tired to argue this time. In fact, to his surprise he didn’t even feel like arguing. All he wanted to do was sleep and for the first time he didn’t even feel like a drink. He gave his father a sudden smile which Ben returned. “OK,” he said. “Whatever you think Pa.”

 

Ben nodded and patted his son on the shoulder. “Good boy,” he said.

 

**********

 

“I guess Adam thought I was stupid over all of this,” said Joe two days later when he and his father were sitting next to the lake with their fishing lines dangling. He gave his father an embarrassed look.

 

“Not particularly,” answered Ben and then grinned at his son. “Not any more than usual anyway.”

 

Joe giggled and it warmed Ben’s heart to hear it … a sound he hadn’t heard in weeks. “You know that your brother cares about you,” he continued. “We all do.” He looked at the youngster beside him warmly.

 

Joe looked embarrassed. “I know Pa,” he said. “I … I want to say something to you.” Ben waited. “I know how hard these … well …. These past few days musta been for you ….” Ben wondered if his son had an inkling of the pain that he’d been through as he’d listened to the boy’s angry outbursts against his father. “ … and …. Well … I know this sounds kinda lame …” Joe looked at his father beseechingly. “I’m really sorry,” he said. “I’m sorry I made all this happen.”

 

“I know you are son,” said Ben.

 

“And …” Joe liked his lips. “I’m sorry for all the things I said to you.” His eyes filled with tears. “I don’t hate you Pa. I don’t know why I said that. Honest I don’t.”

 

“I know that,” said Ben. “I never for one moment thought that you did.”

 

“You didn’t?” Joe wiped his eyes on his sleeve.

 

“Of course not. You couldn’t hate me even if you tried,” Ben assured his son. “That wasn’t you talking Joe. The drink had affected you and you didn’t know what you were saying.” He reached over and hugged his son to him, rejoicing in the fact that the boy didn’t pull away as he had so many times in the past few days.

 

“I’ve been so stupid,” said Joe, when they’d parted. “I’ll never myself get to that state again Pa. You were right …. About everything.”

 

“I hope you mean that Joe,” said Ben, giving his son a long intense look. “There’s nothing wrong with having a drink or two … the thing is that as with everything you can’t let if rule your life in the way you have in the past.”

 

Joe hung his head. “I know,” he said. “I’ll be sensible about it from now on … I promise.”

 

“See that you are,” said Ben sternly. “I care too much about you to allow you to do that to yourself son. Look at me.” Joe looked up. “I want to remember something Joseph,” his father said seriously. “Everyone has something if life that is their weak spot and drinking could be yours. You’ll always have to be aware of that son. This could happen to you again if you’re not careful.”

 

“I’ll be careful Pa,” said Joe.

 

Ben patted him on the shoulder. “I know you will Joe,” he said. “I’m proud of you for what you’ve done here son and I know that you’ll try not to ever let it happen again.”

 

“I will Pa,” said Joe earnestly. “I’ll make you proud of me … I promise.”

 

“I’m already proud of you son,” said his father. “Promise me that you’ll try to make you proud of yourself.”

 

“I will Pa,” said Joe, tears standing in his eyes. “I will.”

 

 

 

**********

 

 

“I will Pa,” Joe whispered as he gazed into his glass. He thought about what he’d put his father and brothers through in those days and suddenly felt very ashamed of himself. It was true that he’d been young and foolish, but it was still no excuse. At the time, he’d looked no further than the immediate future, thinking as most young people did that he could overcome anything. He’d felt himself invincible and able to cope with anything that the effects of drinking might make him do.

 

His father had been right when he said that drinking might be Joe’s weakness in life. Over the years he’d found it hard to keep his distance from letting alcohol get a grip over him at various times. There’d been the time when he’d lost his sight and had turned to the bottle before Miss Dobbs had talked some sense into him. There was the terrible time when Hoss ….. Joe shook his head, not allowing his thoughts to even go down that painful track of thought … and then when Alice had died he had thought that he’d finally given in to it. Thank God that Pa had been there each time to draw him back from the edge again, for he truly didn’t know that he would have been able to make it by himself.

 

Joe looked at the half empty glass in his hand and put it down. He stared at it for a moment and then picked up his hat and put it on, nodding at the bartender as he walked to the swinging doors. He untied Cochise from the hitching rail outside and then hesitated as he stared up the street in the direction that the wagon had gone with the body of Tom Atkins. For a moment he visualised the gravedigger wiping his hands as he turned from the freshly filled-in grave and walking away, leaving the new grave on the lonely cemetery hilltop overlooking the town.

 

Joe shuddered and recalled a phrase he’d heard so many times before. “There but for the grace of God go I,” he whispered softly, suddenly so grateful for his father and brothers who had always stood by him and never given up on him, no matter how difficult he’d been over the years and what problems he’d caused them. He guessed that it was true that everyone had their weaknesses in life …. at least that was how his father had explained it to him. The way to overcome them was to be aware of them and try not to let them overcome you. Joe knew that he’d always have to be aware of not drinking too much and to fight his personal demon from within with all the strength that he had.

 

He thanked God that he’d sent Ben Cartwright to be his father to help him do it.

 

The End