Summary:  Everyone take cover .  Someone’s on the warpath.  Just how will they rescue themselves?

Rating:  K (1,645 words)

 

On the Warpath

“Do you suppose it’s safe now?” Little Joe asked in a low, anxious voice. He looked over at Hoss who was lying flat on the kitchen floor behind the china cabinet, then over at Adam sitting cross-legged in the corner under the butcher’s block, calmly reading a book.

“Adam!” Joe exclaimed.

“What?” Adam asked, turning the page.

“Do you think it’s safe to come out?” Joe asked again.

Adam shrugged, not looking up. “Beats me. Why don’t you get up and check?”

“You should do it. You’re the oldest.”

“You’re the one who cares. I’m happy right where I am.”

“But you’re the oldest,” Joe whined. “You should take care of us.”

“You’re the youngest. You should do what I say. But that’s not likely to happen, either.”

“Adam, come on…”

“Hoss, get up and check if it’s safe,” Adam ordered dismissively, still absorbed in his book.

Hoss slowly raised his head, then quickly dropped back down as a plate went winging past his head smashing into the opposite wall. “Nope,” he said shortly. “Ain’t safe yet.”

“Adam, what are we supposed to do?” Joe asked.

“You could try apologizing. That might help.”

“Hey, I already brought flowers!”

Adam glanced at the flower-strewn floor. “Yeah, that was a brilliant idea.”

“It always works with women!”

“In case you hadn’t noticed, Little Brother, Hop Sing’s not a woman.”

“I know that!” Joe said hotly. “I just figured…” He broke off at the look on his brothers’ faces. “Well, if it was such a bad idea, maybe one of you should have warned me to try something else.”

Hoss snorted derisively. “Yeah. When I seen you pickin’ flowers I shoulda immediately said t’myself ‘Little Joe musta plumb fergot t’fill the woodbox this mornin’ before we set out, and now he’s tryin’ t’make up t’Hop Sing by courtin’ him.’ Can’t imagine what got into me.”

“Hey, it’s not just my fault! You two are just as much to blame, you know!”

Hoss and Adam exchanged a speaking glance that did not go unnoticed by their brother. His face darkened further.

“You are!” Joe’s voice deepened into a lower range and he suddenly sounded uncannily like Adam. “‘Hop Sing, I instantaneously need fifty gallons of hot water for a bath. I mustn’t have a single speck of dirt on me if I’m going to spend my evening sitting in a chair reading a book and ordering my poor, innocent brothers around!'”

Adam flushed at the pontificating tone that Joe had adopted. “Oh, I’m not that bad,” he huffed in annoyance. “Anyway, I forgot the kitchen pump was broken. I wouldn’t have asked if I’d remembered Hop Sing has been toting water from the well. And I might remind you that the reason the pump isn’t working is because you and Hoss broke it horsing around. You were supposed to fix it yesterday.”

Joe hastily changed the subject. “And you didn’t help, Hoss. ‘Hop Sing, I’m plumb holler here. What’s fer supper? When are we gonna eat? Can I have sixteen helpings?’ No wonder Hop Sing’s mad.”

Hoss sniffed. “Just ’cause a feller’s got a proper man-sized appetite, ain’t no cause t’make fun.”

“All I’m sayin’ is that all of us got us into this, so we should work together to get out of it.”

“Joe,” Adam said, “your ability to pass the buck is unmatched in the annals of history.”

“Well, he’s right about one thing, Adam,” Hoss pointed out. “We do gotta do something. We can’t sit here on the kitchen floor forever.”

Adam smiled smugly, and patted the saddlebags that lay beside him. “I can. I have another book in here.”

“Well, what about food?”

Adam reached into his saddlebags and pulled out the remainder of his lunch. He smiled at Hoss and took a big bite. “Mmmmm…” he said happily.

Hoss stared longingly at the sandwich. “Adam…can I have a bite of that?”

“No.”

“Please?”

“Should have saved some of your own lunch, shouldn’t you?”

“Adam…” Hoss whined.

“Oh, don’t get so upset, Hoss. Hop Sing’ll calm down when Pa gets back.”

“But he won’t be back from Carson City ’til next week! I can’t wait that long. I’m dyin’ of hunger already!”

Adam took another bite, relishing the avaricious look on Hoss’ face. “Well, if things get too dire, we’ll just sneak out the side door. If we can make it to the barn without Hop Sing shooting us, we can eat Cochise.”

“Hey!” Joe jumped to his feet in outrage. With a sudden, musical “THWANG” a copper pot collided with the side of his head, and he fell back to the floor. Hoss and Adam broke into spontaneous laughter.

“It ain’t funny!” Joe declared, rubbing his head. “Dang. I think I have a concussion!”

“Good. Maybe it’ll improve your thought processes.”

“Adam, I’m gonna…”

Whatever it was he planned to do remained unsaid. He broke off as a glass jar crashed down on top of the butcher’s block over Adam’s head. Alarmed, Adam pulled his book further back under the table for safekeeping. Suddenly a dark, viscous liquid began dripping down in front of him, pooling on the floor. Adam reached out with a long finger and touched it. Tentatively, he transferred the liquid to his mouth.

“Blackberry jam,” he announced after tasting it. He glanced craftily at Hoss. “Really good, too.”

He wasn’t sure even Hoss would be willing to lick jam off the floor, but the idea was so captivating that he was willing to attempt getting him to do it. “Probably best jam I ever tasted,” he added slyly.

Hoss stared at the widening pool, licking his lips.

“Really ought to satisfy your hunger…” Adam continued to push.

Hoss crabbed closer to Adam, his eyes never leaving the puddle on the floor.

“Hoss, you ain’t gonna eat off the floor are ya?” Joe asked.

Hoss suddenly looked abashed, and Adam glared at Joe. Why couldn’t that boy ever keep his big mouth shut? He tried a new tack.

“Hey Hoss, if you stand up, maybe Hop Sing’ll throw some pot roast or something at you,” Adam prompted.

“Hey, yeah!” Hoss jumped to his feet. Two seconds later a paper sack of flour exploded in his face. Hoss dropped back down to the floor, his blue eyes blinking out from a face the color of fresh-driven snow.

This time it was Adam and Joe who were laughing, much to Hoss’ chagrin. “Ain’t funny,” he muttered.

“Just think of it as raw bread,” Adam suggested helpfully. “Here. Have a bit of jam with it.”

“Dang you, Adam…”

“Come on, Adam. Just talk to Hop Sing. You’re the only one he’ll listen to when he’s in one of his rants,” Joe wheedled.

“That’s because I, unlike you, have superior reasoning skills,” Adam said smugly.

“Yeah? Well, I, unlike you, don’t have an ego the size of the Northwest Territory. Now are you gonna talk to Hop Sing, or are we gonna have to sleep in the kitchen until Pa gets back?”

Adam sighed. There was no denying he’d been enjoying himself, but he had to admit some of the fun was beginning to wear off. They’d spent a long day out on the range, and he had to admit he really would prefer not sitting on the floor the rest of the evening. “Oh, all right,” he said grudgingly. “But don’t forget. You two each officially owe me a favor.”

Joe and Hoss nodded easily, neither of them having the slightest intention of ever paying Adam back.

Adam cleared his throat. “Hop Sing?” he called out. “May I talk to you?”

A metal bowl flew into the wall with a clang.

“I just wanted to ask what the matter was,” Adam said in his most reasonable tone.

The statement was greeted with a long string of Cantonese.

“Now Hop Sing,” Adam said soothingly. “You know I can’t understand you properly when you talk like that. Try English.”

“Hop Sing try English?” Hop Sing cried. “Mr Adam try no wood. Mr Adam try no watah. Mr Adam try boys troop in no care ’bout Hop Sing, just want this, want that. Bah! Hop Sing quit!”

“But Hop Sing…”

“Hop Sing not listen. Hop Sing go China!”

“You want to go to China? You don’t want to go to Virginia City?”

There was a long pause. “Vahginia City?”

“Of course. Didn’t you see the note Joe left this morning? He mentioned how we wanted to take you to eat at the International House tonight to say thank you for everything you do for us. That’s why he didn’t fill the woodbox. He didn’t figure you’d need any wood, since you wouldn’t be cooking. And that’s why I asked for some water. I didn’t want to go to town dirty.”

“You take Hop Sing to suppah?” The tone was disbelieving.

“Well, naturally. You deserve it more than anyone I know.” Adam’s tone was warm and flattering, and he looked at his brothers hopefully. They beamed back in delight.

At this point, the three boys decided to chance it. Almost as one they stood and faced Hop Sing from behind the low china cabinet. Hop Sing stared at the Cartwrights. There were stray flower petals in Joe’s hair; Hoss’ face looked like it was dusted with chalk; Adam had a long streak of blackberry jam running down his cheek.

Hop Sing shook his head. “Hop Sing go alone. Hop Sing embarrassed be seen with you. Go now. Be back later.”

He walked quickly past the boys and over to the door before turning back. “And clean up kitchen while Hop Sing gone!” he ordered. “Place mess!”

He walked out, and slammed the door behind him.

END