Summary: Inspired by the famous song sung by Perry Como and Dean Martin.
Rating: T (1,500 words)
Author’s Note: The REALLY Losts are satires of the series written with much affection, eye rolling, and winks. And can be somewhat risque’.
When the Moon Hits Your Eye Like a Big Ponderosa Pie
A REALLY Lost Episode
“When the moon hits your eye like a big pizza pie, that’s amore,” Mr. Rossi sang as his wife refilled the guests’ dishes with garlic knots and antipasto. His two cousins, Dino Martin Rossi and Perry Como Rossi joined him.
“Amore?” asked Little Joe Cartwright. He loved having Sunday dinner with the Rossi’s.
“Amore means love,” explained Dino Martin Rossi.
Ben Cartwright added, “I learned Italian during my sailing days from my old friend, Captain Christopher Columbus. I also learned about love as a sailor and spent more than one shore leave looking for love in all the wrong places, looking for love in too many faces…”
“Love is like a pizza pie,” said Perry Como Rossi in a relaxed voice.
“Sounds good to me,” said Hoss Cartwright. ”I sure do love pizza!”
“Love is like a pizza pie? That is a metaphor!” declared Little Joe who had been studying for his SATs.
“No,” Adam corrected. “That a simile, because the phrase ‘when the moon hits your eye like a big pizza pie’ uses ‘like’ or ‘as’.”
“Oh! How about this one? I LIKE pretty girls AS much AS anything in the world, maybe more!” Joe declared literarily. He dug into the baked clams on the antipasto plate.
Ben ground his teeth and decided to not waste Little Joe’s college fund on tuition and transfer the money into a better purpose. No sense throwing good money after bad. The boy would ride the range and fix fences and be happy about it. Good thing he was charming.
“You want some fried calamari?” Lorenzo Rossi passed Adam the heavy platter. “Cousin Dino made it.”
“I sometimes get a broken heart from love and heartburn from calamari or anchovy pizza,” added Adam. He burped and took a swig of his gelusil that he had hidden in his black leather vest.
Cousin Dino downed his martooni. ”Been there, done that! “
“Especially one of Hop Sing’s fried wonton, hot and sour pepperoni pineapple pizzas,” Adam sighed
“Me too!” nodded Hoss. “Mmmm.”
“MMmmmm!” agreed Ben and Little Joe and Perry Como Rossi.
“That broken hearted heartburn can cripple you as bad as seeing Laura Dayton kiss cousin Will Zorro Cartwright and falling off the roof,” said Hoss with a wink.
“WOMP!” Little Joe slapped his hand on the table shaking all the overflowing dishes. “Adam bounced like one of them Acme anvils the coyote heaves at the roadrunner.”
“Now that’s a simile, little brother,” Hoss said. “Ungrammatical, but a simile.” Despite his demeanor, Hoss was the smartest and most educated of the three Cartwright boys having completed his online PhD in English Literature as well as a post doctorate in linguistics. Ben was very proud of his middle boy. He decided to use Little Joe’s college funds for Hoss to go to the Sorbonne.
“That was a blessing in disguise,” declared their father who still had nightmares of having Laura Dayton as his daughter-in-law. He shuddered involuntarily. He would add Adam’s bachelor party fund to Hoss’s Sorbonne account too.
“When the world seems to shine like you’ve had too much wine, that’s Amore. Bells will ring ting-a-ling-a-ling, Ting-a-ling-a-ling and you’ll sing Veetabella!” sang Dino Martin Rossi as he poured another round of Vino De Ponderosa in all the glasses. Adam and Hoss tapped out a chiming tune on the water glasses. Perry Como Rossi was so relaxed he started snoring.
“Good wine!” Ben smiled remembering picking grapes with Joyce Edwards, the original owner of the Rossi vineyards. She had also dated Dino Martin Rossi and had a brief fling with his friend Frank Sinatra in Vegas. Things would never be the same between Ben and Joyce Edwards after that.
“Viva Amore!” shouted all four Cartwrights clinking their wine glasses with the singing Rossi’s and their cousins.
“Hearts will play tip-py-tip-py-tay, Tip-py-tip-py-tay, like a gay Tarantella,” sang Mr. And Mrs. Rossi, Dino and Perry as Lorenzo played his violin.
“A gay tarantella? What the heck is that?” Joe asked. Hoss jealously eyed Lorenzo’s fiddle. He wished Pa hadn’t made him give up his violin lessons when he joined the math-a-lete team in Virginia City High School. Pa said there wasn’t time for both as well as lacrosse. He could have been Maestro Hoss or at least done duets in Vegas with Liberace.
“A gay tarantella is a homosexual spider? “ Adam translated. He had studied Italian in Back East U. and still had his pocket dictionary in his vest.
“Like that old circus pal of Pa’s…Borelli?” Hoss said. “That nasty guy who wanted Little Joe to take the blame for stabbing the guy Borrelli hated.”
“That was pretty spidery!” Dino said.
“Borelli wasn’t gay!” Ben raised his eyebrows. ”He was an acrobat! “
“And he also played the Joker on Batman,” said Perry.
His boys snickered and poked each other with their elbows.
“No, can’t be. Give me that dictionary. When the Great Borelli met me in Venice or Naples or Florence or where ever it was where we met, he didn’t say that,” Ben said.
“Didn’t he wear lipstick and have funny silk long johns and live with his SISTER?” Adam put two and two together and they weren’t adding up.
“He never married….” Ben started. “That is why Borrelli lived with his sister who looked like the aunt of that girl in the “Spanish Land Grant”.
“She looked like Yoda,” said Adam.
“Pa, the guy wore lipstick and never married and lived with his sister,” Hoss pointed out.
“He had 17 trunks of those delicate, soft Italian leather clown shoes and lots of color coordinated silk underwear and wanted Hop Sing to put scented candles and a bowl of potpourri in his room.” Adam argued.
“And you know I am so manly I NEVER wear underwear!” Little Joe pointed out.
The lovely Rossi daughter winked at Little Joe as she had learned that fact first hand. Joe blew her a kiss across the table.
“What is potpourri?” Hoss asked helping himself to a second portion of lasagna.
“That sweet smelling dried flowery stuff in a glass bowl that Hop Sing put in the guest room,” Adam explained.
“OOOps, I ate that stuff when I was in my ‘Evil Hoss’ disguise,” Hoss said. “It was kind of crunchy.”
“And Borelli wanted to give you fashion advise while you were in that outfit too!” Joe reminded his brother.
“That’s right; he said that plaid shirt wasn’t very flattering and I should balance out my full face with a higher crowned hat…” Hoss nodded. “And he recommended some good mousse for my hair too and that I should wear subdued earth tones!”
“He told me that too!” Ben said. “Why do you think I wear this tan vest? Borelli told me it made me more attractive than Adam West!” The cattle baron swallowed hard. Maybe his sons were right about the late great Borelli. “Never mind.”
“Lucky fella…When the stars make you drool Just like pasta fazool,” Mrs. Rossi sang as she served the soup. Her lovely daughter plopped a steaming bowl in front of each person at the table. “Pasta fazool!”
“Pasta fazool?” said Little Joe tasting the soup and sneaking a peak at the lovely girl across the table from him. ”Oh BAYbee!”
She batted her eyelashes at him. “Bean soup with bits of macaroni in it,” she smiled at him.
“Hoss once cooked mesquite beans,” Joe smiled sipping his soup.
“And Yankee Doodle put a feather in his cap and called it macaroni,” said Perry Como Rossi
New American Mr. Ross exclaimed, “What a country!”
“And beans are a musical fruit. How do you think Adam learned to sing so well while we were heading west?” Ben said proudly.
“BEANS!” everyone cheered.
“Adam was the best boy soprano in the entire wagon train,” Ben bragged.
“You fed your baby beans?” Mrs. Rossi beamed and pinched Adam’s cheek. “I fed my baby beans as well!”
Ben nodded paternally at his sons. “All the way west…even in Indian Country and at Disney Land. Hoss too. And Little Joe! Even Buck!”
“You should hear that horse sing!” Adam added. “Matt Dillon loves Buck’s rendition of the Mr. Ed theme song and ‘Mama’s Don’t Let Your Baby’s Grow Up To Be Cowboys’.”
“Buck does sound great in the shower too!” Ben slurped his pasta fazool. “I was going to take the boys to Salt Lake City to be a singing brother act but the Osmonds beat me to it.”
“That’s Amore!” sang all three Cartwright boys and Buck demonstrating their melodious four-part harmony.
“When you dance down the street with a cloud at your feet, you’re in love!” Joe grabbed the pie pan and used it like a tambourine. He bounced it off his tight tushie as Hoss did a quick Motown step with Adam and Buck in syncopated synchronization.
Then all the Rossis joined the Cartwrights and all the horses for one final flourish.