Summary:  If only they hadn’t stopped in that town.

Rating: T  (1,140 words)

Author’s Note:  The REALLY Losts are satires of the series written with much affection, eye rolling,  and winks.  And can be somewhat risque’.

 

The Commitment of Charlie Angelus
A REALLY Lost Episode

The three Cartwright brothers had ridden into town after six weeks on the hot dusty trail. Having just sold two herds of cattle and a string of horses as well as their patent rights to Silly Putty, they each had a pocket full of money. The town was jumping.

 

“Sure hope we don’t get bushwhacked again,” Adam said. All three brothers simultaneously removed their hats and rubbed their lumpy heads. They replaced their hats and tied their horses at the hitching rail outside the Angelus Hilton and strode inside.

 

“Think we can meet some pretty gals here in Angelus?” Joe said hopefully as they checked into the busy hotel.

 

“Sure hope so!” Adam and Hoss said, looking around. The Angelus Hilton was crowded with cowboys, miners, gamblers, and a Star Trek Fans Convention as well.

 

“Jeez!” Joe jumped closer to his brothers as a conventioneer dressed as Worf passed. “I thought that was that crazy wolf who bit me in ‘My Brother’s Keeper’.”

 

Adam put his arm around Joe. “Not to worry, Little Brother. That big bad wolf is vulture bait and coyote meat.”

Hoss looked at Adam quizzically and shrugged. In some bizarre way, Adam made sense.

 

“This place sure is jumping!” Joe instantly grinned relieved by Adam‘s protective reassurance.

 

“Let’s check in and get baths and shaves and some clean duds and have a fine time,” Hoss suggested patting a cloud of dust from his clothes. “Hope they put those Hershey Kisses on our pillows!”

 

“Hak hak,” the room clerk choked. His allergies were driving him insane. “We use little Godiva chocolates.”

 

“Godiva!” the three brothers smiled knowingly. “Mmmmmmmmmmmm!”

 

“Maybe we’ll get lucky, boys!” Adam winked at a woman walking by wearing a diaphanous gown held on her voluptuous body by duct tape and chewing gum and a couple of happy face stickers. The woman paid the Cartwrights no mind and took her escort’s arm. Her escort in a velour Star Fleet uniform looked vaguely familiar.

 

“Do you recognize that dude?” Joe asked his brothers.

 

“Isn’t he that rotten Cavalry Officer who was chased by Cochise, Moss Johnson?” Adam raised his eyebrow as he signed the hotel register.

“Nah. I thought he was Dr. Johns who fixed my busted rib,” Hoss said, signing his name beneath his brother‘s.

 

“I really thought he was that newspaper guy, Tully, who caused that uproar when I was a pony express rider,” Joe said as he too signed the register.

 

“He’s Doctor Bones McCoy,” the room clerk explained, handing them a brass key. “Of the Enterprise.”

“That’s it! He writes that health advice column for the Territorial Enterprise!” Adam nodded.

 

“Bet he would be no match for Doc Martin!” Joe said.

 

“Which one? Doc Martin #1, #2 or #3?” asked Hoss.

“Any or all,” Adam said. “No one beats Doc Martin. No one can say ‘He‘s young and strong and will be all right with some rest’ like the three Doc Martins.”

 

The room clerk blew his nose and said, “We only got one room left with all these folks in town for the hanging, the horse race, the Star Trek Convention and parent’s weekend at University of Nevada at Angelus. And don’t count on having much luck with hot women, dumb blondes and saloon girls either, boys,” the room clerk warned. “And the chamber maid is 70.”

 

“OH NO!” The Cartwrights grasped their manly parts that they had not been used for much fun in the last three months. “Why not?”

 

“They all went to Chicago,” the skinny bald clerk explained.

“Chicago?” Adam asked.

 

“Yup. They got tickets to the Oprah Show.”

“Oprah?” Hoss sighed longingly. “I love Oprah.”

 

“No gals?” Joe wept.

 

“No gals. You should have made reservations online if you wanted some,” the clerk shook his head.

 

“What are we gonna do for fun?” Hoss tugged on Adam’s sleeve.

 

Joe smiled to himself. He had a great idea but he would have to get Adam out of the way.

 

***********

“Hello Angels, this is Charlie,” Hoss said into his neckerchief-wrapped not- yet-invented phone. He was squeezed into the hallway phone booth. He and Joe got the idea after the spotted the three girls and noticed some muscle-bound guy running out of the phone booth in some blue long johns. All of a sudden, Little Joe thought up one of his wild eyed crazy schemes and pulled Hoss along with him.

 

Hoss couldn’t believe his kid brother had roped him into making a prank phone call to the pretty gals who were staying in hotel suite down the hall. If Adam caught them, he would be fuming.

“It doesn’t sound like you, Charlie,” Sabrina said.

 

“Talk down lower,” Joe poked Hoss in the ribs. “Lower, Hoss!”

 

Hoss knelt down in the phone booth almost crushing Little Joe in the close quarters. “Hello, Angels, this is Charlie. I want you to rendezvous with a fine young man in the moonlight.”

 

“In the moonlight?” Kelly asked.

 

“In the moonlight,” Hoss repeated.

“Who is it, Charlie?” the boys heard Jill asked.

 

“Tell them my name…” Joe, squeezed between Hoss and the wall, whispered in Hoss’ ear.

 

“Little Joe,” Hoss stammered.

 

“Little Joe?” Kelly asked. “Is this a child?”

“Ummm…” Hoss stammered.

 

Suddenly, Adam came down the hall. He had assumed his two younger brothers were still taking bubble baths. Adam quickly learned that Joe and Hoss were not in the bath room when he tapped on the door and a bony, naked little old lady with a bright smile threw the door open and said, “Come on in, Cowboy. The water is just fine!” It took Adam twenty minutes to extricate himself and he almost drowned wrestling himself from her bony clutches.

 

“Yes, a pesky child!” Adam growled grabbing the phone from Hoss.

 

“Who is this?” Jill Munro said flipping her long blond hair. Her hair was almost as beautiful as Joe’s but she didn’t know it. Imagine what gorgeous tresses their children could have? Imagine the fun Joe and Jill could have making those beautiful children? Just imagine!!

Alas! It was not destined to be!

 

“Adam!” Hoss and Joe screeched and fell over each other as they raced down the hall.

 

“This is the pesky child’s older brother who will be hauling Pesky and Big Pesky off to their Pa for making prank phone calls.” Adam said. Water dripped from his black shirt onto the floor of the phone booth.

 

“Oh!” Kelly said. Adam heard the lovely girl detectives giggle as the door of their sweet swung open.

“But I am available if you ladies would like to go out for a drink…” Adam smiled. “That is, if you have no other commitments?”

*****End*****

 

Tags: Adam Cartwright, Hoss Cartwright, Joe / Little Joe Cartwright