Summary:  An investigational report of epic (too much information) proportions.

Rating:  T  (1,150 words)

Author’s Note:  The REALLY Losts are satires of the series written with much affection, eye rolling,  and winks.  And can be somewhat risque’.

Kane’s Bidet
A REALLY Lost Episode

Prologue

 

”Did Peter Kane use a potty or an outhouse? Outhouse or a Potty? Wasn’t that what Adam was building? Why was he building it? Disgust and discussed.”

Question scrawled on a public rest room wall

The Story

 

“Build me a real spiffy bathroom, Cartwright! Then you can leave,” Kane growled. His chronic, incessant constipation had made him go insane and get meaner than mean, nastier than nasty and crankier than a wet hen. He felt mighty crappy and was gonna take it out on the likes of Adam Cartwright who wandered into his camp after being bushwhacked by bad guys!

 

Once he perused the situation, Kane’s evil nature came out. Adam Cartwright was his prisoner, his plaything to play with sadistically, much like Itchy played catch the razorblade games with Scratchy. Adam wanted to leave. Kane would strike a deal with him.

 

If only he had nice soft toilet paper and a nifty bidet like them rich Cartwrights had on their high falooting ranch, he would be less cranky. “Build me a spiffy bathroom, Cartwright, and I’ll lend you my moth-eaten, half-dead mule and canteen of red Kool Aid to get you out of the vast, dry endless desert! How’s that for a rational, logical situation?”

“A spiffy bathroom? A rational, logical situation? Sounds reasonable and I am a reasonable and rational and logical man,” Adam said. After all, besides being reasonable and rational and logical, Adam Furchesthottie Cartwright was not only a cowboy; he was an architect and an engineer and watched HGTv on the not-yet-invented TV. Adam knew that nothing could make a cranky man more productive and less hostile and cranky than an elegant bathroom with shiny mauve tile, hot water and rolls of double ply Charmin.

 

“Ok! I can do that!” Adam shook Kane’s hand, then regretting the gesture and wondering where Kane’s hands had been last. Adam wiped his hands on his pants leg. Hop Sing would later burn those pants.

 

Adam knew all about building fine bathrooms. And he really really really wanted to get the heck out of this desert and meet up with his brother Joe at the East Gate Mall Starbucks. Cochise, Joe’s horse, was going to spring for lattes in honor of Sport’s engagement to Buttercup, Dale Evan’s horse, and Joe was going to admit that Adam was right about stuff (though the audience would be surprised to find out that Adam wasn’t).

 

When the Cartwrights first settled in Virginia City, before the Ponderosa was completely built with all the bedrooms facing the front and before Pa met Little Joe’s mom at Mardi gras, Mr. Whipple ran the Mercantile. Mr. Whipple almost got run out of town by a lynch mob when he started squeeeeeezin’ the Charmin .Ben Cartwright rescued him and, in appreciation, the Cartwrights got a life time supply of free toilet paper, which they stacked up in the north pasture under a tarp, in the Tahoe Basin, and stuffed bales of it in the loft in the barn. All that wonderful soft toilet paper sure beat using those corn cobs or the pages from the Territorial Enterprise. Mr. Whipple gave them more toilet paper than anyone could use, even a girl’s boarding school run by nuns. They had loads and loads of soft toilet paper for decades.

 

Adam used to do his school work on that toilet paper and write long love letters to his lady friend in San Francisco, Gloria “Ripples” Brancusi, a nurse. Hoss used the Charmin to stuff into his tall ten gallon hat and keep it poufy when it got wet or stomped on. Little Joe practiced squeezin’ gals by squeezin’ the Charmin, and on cold winter nights, Hop Sing knitted new toupees for Pa out of teensy strands of the Charmin’.

 

And now the next part:

 

“I want one of them shiny silver adjustable shower heads that moves up and down…”

Adam eyed the tin ore bucket and the pickax leaning on a papier mache boulder. “No problem!”

”… and a nice deep vintage soaking tub”

Adam nodded his head, figuring he could put that together from the horse trough and some copper sheets that he would hammer together using Kane’s sledge hammer. “No problem!”

 

“… and a magazine holder and a matching hand crafted mahogany toilet seat!” Kane screeched a challenge. “Can you do THAT? Huh Huh HUH?!?!?”

 

“A magazine rack?” Adam nodded vigorously. He hoped he had enough mahogany left from the toilet seat to make one of those cradle shaped magazine holders that he made for a wedding gift for Little Joe and doomed Laura White. “Sure!”

 

“Yeah,” snarled Kane. “And I want copies of Reader’s Digest too!”

Adam nodded. “Readers Digest is my beloved but manly family’s second most favorite magazine to read in the bathroom.”

“Second? What’s the first?” Kane demanded. “What is better than “Humor in Uniform” and “My Most Unforgettable Character”?

“Heck, Kane, we are four men living all together but we are all alone!” Adam rolled his eyes and winked, hoping Kane got the point he was trying to make about the swimsuit issues of Cattle Baron Monthly.

 

“Jest get working on my bathroom, Cartwright!” Kane aimed his rifle at Adam. “And don’t go backing out about the little tea lights and potpourri and teensy little teeny, tiny, embroidered hand towels! I want my initials entwined with flowers!”

 

“Little hand towels?” Adam shuddered at the thought of those totally useless, stupid little hand towels. Marie had insisted on introducing them into the Ponderosa bathroom. After she died, Pa got rid of all of those puny embroidered towels and had Hop Sing put out only big manly, thick towels. All those stupid little towels were eventually put in the Ponderosa first aid kit & used to stop up bullet wounds and apply anti-chafe salve to chafed spots.

 

Adam saw a saddle blanket and figured he could trim up some nifty hand towels and more from one. “Hand towels and a matching bath mat too!”

 

“Get to work!” Kane ordered. He poked Adam’s furchesthottie chest with his dirty finger.

 

Adam quickly walked into the mine shaft and started digging and carving and making hand- shaped tiles. Martha Stewart would have been envious of Adam’s perfect perfection.

 

“Heh heh heh,” Kane snickered evilly. “I put one over on Cartwright! Mauve tile is so passé!”

 

Kane took a swig from his canteen full of red Kool-Aid. “I don’t want no sissy bathroom! I jest want to play with is mind and humiliate him and break his spirit and be all around rotten and vile.”

 

Then he shot his mule and poured all the Kool-Aid into the dust, staining it red. “Heh heh heh!”

 

Epilogue

 

Years later, Indiana Jones, son of Muley, unearthed the mystical bidet in “Indian Jones and the Legend of the Mahogany Toilet Seat in the Desert”.

*****End*****