Summary: Ben is anything but delighted when his mother and two sisters arrive at the Ponderosa for an unannounced visit. But as his mother and sisters stay on at the ranch, he must confront the past and try to make sense of a very bitter feud between them. But when he faces total ruin by a member of his only family, he just might find the healing he’s been searching for and finally make peace with the past and with his family at the same time.

Rating: PG 13 Breif violence and language

 

I Loved Rachel, but Benjamin I Hated[1]

Part One

The buggy pulled into the front yard of the Ponderosa carrying three women whose arrival had not been planned.

“Do you really think it’s fair to surprise him, Mother?” the older of the two women, who were clearly sisters, asked. Her mother looked at the ranch, the disdain evident in her coal black eyes.  She chuckled an evil, bone-chilling cackle that made her daughters’ skin crawl.

“You know I had to surprise him, Leah, otherwise he would never have invited his dear mother to come visit.” Leah tried to keep the worry out of her face. She knew her brother and her mother were on very bad terms and she was dreading their meeting. She looked back at her sister Rachel, who was sitting in the back of the buggy, her eyes fixed on the house. Rachel was younger than Leah by seven years and older than their brother Benjamin by nearly five minutes, but as far as Rachel was concerned, he was responsible for stealing her birthday blamed him for every bad thing that had happened in her life since.

“Will you two at least be nice to him?” Leah asked looking from her mother to her sister. Rachel folded her arms across her chest and glared at her sister, a mocking smirk graced her beautiful face.

“Of course. Saint Benjamin can do no wrong now can he?” she hissed. “I have nothing to say to him, Leah.”

“Then why on earth did you come, Rachel?”

“Mother made me come, you know that!” she nearly shouted at her sister. “I hate him, Leah. He killed Father, he stole my birthday, he destroyed my favorite doll and…” Rachel caught Leah’s gaze and didn’t continue her tirade. Leah’s heart paused in her chest. She knew Rachel still blamed Ben for the death of their father but it was an accident. What happened was not his fault and as far as that stupid doll, that was years ago.

“You know as well as I do that it was an accident,” Leah said flatly. “And he can’t help when he was born any more than the rest of us can. Can you really be that petty?” Rachel glared at her sister as the older woman climbed down from the buggy to go knock on the door. Leah patted her hair and smoothed her skirt. Despite her mother and sister, she was excited to see her brother. Leah adored Benjamin.

Leah knocked on the door, admiring the home her brother had made for himself. He had had a lot of heartache over the years but it looked as if he was doing well for himself in spite of all the losses he’d suffered. She worried when she heard nothing from inside the house. Maybe Ben and the boys weren’t home. She hoped they were because she really didn’t want to have to sit out in the yard and wait for them. Just as she raised her fist to knock again, the door opened and her brother stood in front of her.

His hair had more grey than when she last saw him, he had put on a little weight but otherwise, he looked strong and healthy, and he looked more like their father than ever. He only looked at her momentarily before his face broke into a wide grin and he embraced his sister.

“Leah Cartwright, you are a sight for sore eyes,” he said hugging her so tightly he lifted her off her feet.

“It’s not Cartwright anymore Ben, it’s been Billingsworth for twenty years,” she said as he finally released her and stood back to look at her.

“You’re always a Cartwright, marriage can’t change that my dear sister,” he said holding her hands as he stared into her eyes. To most people, Leah Cartwright was never the pretty sister, the pretty one was always Rachel, but to Ben, she was always one of the most beautiful women he’d ever seen.

“To what do I owe this honor Leah…?” he asked his words trailing as he saw his mother and twin sister waiting impatiently in the buggy. The smile melted off his face. “Couldn’t you have come by yourself without them?” he asked, lowering his voice a bit. Leah looked over her shoulder at her mother and sister, then back at her brother.

“I’m sorry Ben, Mother insisted on coming and I figured that if I came, maybe they won’t be so horrible to you.” Ben sighed and squared his shoulders. It had been more than twenty years since he had last seen his mother and even that was too soon.

“Don’t hold your breath,” Ben said quickly, looking at his mother in the buggy, his heart heavy with dread. Leah turned her brother’s face back to her.

“Try not to let her get to you Ben, you know that’s what she wants,” Leah said quickly. Her brother put on a brave face, but Leah could see the unease in his posture.

“Come, Ben, we’ll greet them together,” Leah said putting her arm around her brother’s. He covered her hand with his, drawing strength from his beloved older sister.

Ben walked slowly out to the buggy, his heart as heavy as lead, dreading the meeting with his mother. Leah released his arm when they arrived at the buggy and Ben looked at his stoic mother, his stomach in knots. Why on earth had the old hag…no that was not polite…he chided himself, why on earth had she come anyway?

“Hello mother,” Ben said flatly as he offered his hand to help her out. Elvira Cartwright reached for her son’s hand and stepped down from the carriage.

“Hello Benjamin, how about a hug for your dear old mother?” she said. Her son hugged her stiffly, thinking she was anything but dear. She stood back to look at him. She always sized him up disapprovingly.

“Your hair’s turned grey and I see you’ve put on some weight, tsk tsk,” she said as she patted his middle. Ben inhaled, the insults were starting early.

“I earned every one of these grey hairs, Mother,” he said trying to make light of what he knew to be an insult. “And would you rather I was skin and bones?”

“Certainly not, son. No doubt that Little Joe is a big reason for the grey…” Ben smiled, hoping his mother would leave it at that. Joe was a big part of the reason. “After all, what could one expect from a boy whose mother was a whore…?” Ben’s face fell and he felt like he had been punched in the stomach.

“Mother!” Leah shouted, incredulous. Elvira shot at look at her daughter, her black eyes hard and delighted.

“Well that’s what she was, isn’t that so Benjamin?” she asked turning back to the angry and hurt face of her eldest son.

“What Marie was before we met is of no consequence to me!” Ben thundered trying to keep his anger at bay.

“Well, it should have been of consequence to you Benjamin! Honestly a woman of such ill repute! It’s amazing you didn’t catch any number of horrible diseases. I wouldn’t be in the least bit surprised if Joseph turns out to be the spawn of the devil himself. And you had the gall to name him after your sainted father!” Ben bit his lip, torn between telling his mother to go to hell and doing his best to honor the woman his father had loved and who had given birth to him.

“You will mind how you speak of my son and Marie in my presence, Mother! I have no qualms about throwing you out to sleep in the barn!” Ben retorted, glaring at his mother. Elvira smirked and held her tongue, delighting in the rise she was getting out of him. She stood back and looked reprovingly at the house as Ben helped Rachel from the buggy.

“Hello Rach,” he said resorting to the nickname he had used for her long ago.

“It’s Rachel, Benjamin, and hello,” she said without offering to hug him.

“I’m glad to see you,” he said tentatively. His sister sized him up; her eyes were as blue as their father’s.

“No you’re not,” she said. Ben’s heart sank. Other than his sons and Leah, there was no one in the world he loved more than Rachel and he had spent years trying to figure out why she hated him and he had tried everything he could think of to make amends, but nothing worked. Every year that passed, it seemed her hatred of him grew stronger.

“Nonsense, Rachel, you know I’ve always loved you,” he said taking her bags as he started inside.

“Well that’s your loss, Ben, because I don’t love you,” she said storming into the house as their mother followed. Leah remained behind to help her brother with the luggage. Ben was shaking slightly.

“Mother can drop dead for all I care, but why does Rachel hate me so?” Ben asked Leah. Leah grabbed the other bags as they started walking towards the house.

“I think a lot of it is because Mother wants her too and you know how much Mother’s approval has always matter to Rachel.”

“I’ve loved Rachel since the day we were born,” he said as they paused outside the door. “I can’t help when I was born, why does she hold it against me still?”

“I don’t know Ben, maybe because, without you, Pa would have been content with another daughter but with you, he finally got the son he wanted. He loved Rachel and the rest of us children, don’t get me wrong, but you were the son of his right hand from the very beginning. Rachel resents you for that Ben. You were born on her birthday and you were born male.”

“I can’t help either of those things!” Ben said frustrated that his twin sister didn’t have better reasons to hate him. If it was something he had done he could make it right, but he couldn’t make right the day he had been born any more than he could change the sex he had been born with. Leah smiled sympathetically; she’d been trying to answer those questions herself for years. “Shall we go inside before mother rearranges your whole house?”

Part Two

Ben’s mother and sisters had barely gotten settled before Adam, Hoss and Joe returned from the range. Ben and Leah were standing by the fire talking, when the boys entered. Adam knew by the set of his father’s posture that he was ill at ease, but Joe and Hoss, who were twenty one and fifteen respectively, had no idea.

“I told you Little Joe you’re plum crazy if you think you’re old enough…!” Hoss shouted as they burst through the door.

“No I ain’t…we’ll just see what Pa has to say…” Joe’s words were cut short when he noticed the woman standing beside his father. His brothers removed their hats and nodded at the woman, he did the same.

“Adam and Hoss, I believe you’ve met my sister Leah years ago,” Ben said nodding at Adam and Hoss. Adam and Hoss nodded and went to greet her. Joe didn’t remember her but he followed suit. She smiled kindly at them.

“Your aunts and grandmother are going to be staying here for a while, see that you make them at home,” Ben said quickly as his mother and twin sister came down the stairs. The boys smiled up at their relatives whom they had never met.

Elvira Cartwright stared down at her grandsons, sizing them up like she had done with her son. They all looked strong and well built, but the middle one, the big one looked stupid. Her heart paused in her chest when she saw the youngest, the boy could not be more than fifteen or sixteen, but she noticed he wore is gun on his left side. She crossed herself immediately and started down the stairs.

“Mother, this is Adam, Hoss and Joseph, boys, say hello to your grandmother,” Ben said making quick introductions. Elvira shook Adam’s hand quickly and forced a smile. As much as she disliked her son, she must say, Adam and Joe weren’t bad looking.

“Nice to meet you grandmother,” Adam said politely.

“You as well Adam, I’ve heard you’re into books, you and I shall have to talk, I love to read as well. Adam’s face beamed. Ben and Leah eyed each other warily, their mother could always be so charming to people she didn’t know but they knew it was all just for show and that she only did it when she wanted something or to come across as a certain kind of person. She could be charming to the point where strangers sung her praises while her children knew how she really was.

“I would love to talk books with you, grandmother,” Adam said smiling at her. He looked over his shoulder at his father and his smile fell away. There was something wrong. His guard immediately went up. Elvira moved onto Hoss.

“Hello Hoss, are you a simpleton?” she asked slowly as if the young man couldn’t understand her.

“Uh…what ma’am?” Hoss asked, not sure he had heard correctly, he smiled to hide his confusion, an act which only cemented in her mind that he was in fact, dumb.

“There, there,” she said patting his hand. “Grannie still considers you her grandson,” she said insincerely.

“He’s not a simpleton, Mother!” Ben thundered quickly. Hoss looked at his father as the word registered with him. His mouth fell open as he looked back at his grandmother.

“No ma’am, I ain’t simple,” Hoss said as firmly as he could. Ben cringed, he could tell the boy was reeling from the insult that had just dawned on him.

“He’s just shy,” Adam said coming to his brother’s defense. Elvira released Hoss’ hand and glared at Adam, she forced a smile.

“I’m sure that’s the case,” she agreed, patronizingly. Adam frowned at her, he knew exactly what she meant and what she was doing. He immediately hated her. He looked at his father who was watching the scene intently. His arms were down at his sides, but his hands were clenched in fists. Leah stood beside him with her hand on his arm, trying to soothe him. Adam looked back at Hoss, his brother was looking down at his feet, Adam knew the insult hat hurt his large, younger brother. No wonder they never heard much or knew much about their grandmother. But what she did next was something none of them would ever forget.

When she approached Little Joe, she stopped, looked him up and down, her eyes pausing at the gun belt strung to his left thigh. Then she took a deep intake of breath, crossed herself and grabbed an amulet that hung at her neck. She stared at Joe’s extended right hand but did not take it. Then she took something from the amulet on her neck, poured it into her hand, and blew it in Joe’s face. The boy sputtered and blinked, rubbing his eyes as whatever it was burned his eyes.

“What was that for?” Joe demanded, unable to keep the anger out of his voice as he rubbed his burning eyes.

“The boy’s got it too, he’s got the devil in him,” she said as she started to run away, but Ben grabbed her arm and stopped her in her tracks. She looked down at his hand that was clamped tightly around her arm.

“You will release me, Benjamin!” she demanded.

“Not until you apologize to Joseph and greet my son properly!” Ben shouted as he compelled his mother back towards the boy. Ben pulled his mother back towards Joe and held her in front of him. Joe’s eyes were red with whatever it was she had blown in them. The boy’s eyes were watering and he was trying to wipe them on his sleeve. Hoss handed him a handkerchief which he gratefully took and began to wipe his face.

Elvira glared at the boy, the fear was evident on her face.

“I do not wish to touch him Benjamin!” she shouted trying to squirm away but Ben held her firmly.

“Either you greet Joe properly, Mother, or…” Ben paused to let the thunder echo through the house. “…you can sleep out in the rain. The choice is yours, woman,” he said firmly. Elvira looked up at her son to see if he was serious, but the set of his face and the firmness of his grip on her arm he told her was. She turned her attention back to her grandson’s burning eyes. He was still wiping them fervently, trying to ease the burning.

“Hello, Joseph,” she said quickly, as she extended her right hand. The boy took it despite his discomfort and shook firmly. She pulled her hand back quickly, and wiped it on her skirt. She crossed herself again and tried to get away.

“Apologize to him for whatever you blew in his face,” Ben said.

“A little cayenne pepper to ward off the evil,” his mother said as tears began to roll down Joe’s face. Ben let go of his mother and took his son by the arm.

“Come Joe,” Ben said leading his nearly blind son to the water to wash out his eyes. Hoss and Adam watched in disbelief as their father and brother disappeared into the kitchen. Leah watched in horror. She looked to Rachel for help but Rachel was looking down at her feet. Elvira stood in the living room clutching her amulet.

“The boy’s got it too Leah, did you see his gun on his side? Left-handedness is a mark of evil,” Elvira insisted. “Just like Benjamin.”

“It’s not a mark of evil, Mother, for heaven’s sakes!” Leah shouted. “Ben, do you need help washing out Joe’s eyes?” Leah asked as she headed for the kitchen.

“No, he’s alright now,” Ben said as they emerged from the kitchen, Joe’s face was wet and his eyes were still red, but he looked much better.

“You okay now boy?” Ben asked as he lifted his son’s face to look into his eyes.

“Yeah Pa,” Joe said, his jaw set in anger. Ben smiled and patted the boy’s cheek affectionately, then he turned his wrath back to his mother. He crossed to her so quickly that she hardly had time to react as he snatched the amulet from her neck and threw it into the fire. She watched, horrorstruck as whatever good luck charms she had in the bag, went up in flames. Then her son turned back towards her and was standing in front of her in what seemed like moments.

“Now you listen to me, Mother, and you listen good,” Ben said as he held firmly to her shoulder. “The only reason I’m not putting you out in the rain now is because you’re my mother and I’m commanded to honor you, but if you ever, ever blow hot pepper in my son’s face again, I will personally have you thrown out of this house. Do I make myself clear?” Elvira looked past her son’s angry face to her daughters. Leah had her arms folded across her chest, and she was smiling triumphantly, Rachel was still looking at her feet. Elvira looked back at her son, he was the spitting image of her husband, except for his eyes, his eyes were all hers, black as coal and stormy as the weather howling outside.

She pushed his hand offer her shoulder and turned her back on him. Ben was at a loss for what to do but he hoped that his warning had shown his mother he was serious.

“Boys this is my sister Rachel,” he said, nodding at his twin.

“Hello,” she said but made no attempt to greet the boys further.

“Hop Sing have dinner served,” the cook announced as he hurried from the kitchen, breaking the awkwardness of the very tense family moment.

Part 3

After dinner, tensions had calmed some and they all retreated to the sitting room. Ben watched his mother and sisters, Leah was so easy to get along with, she talked with the boys as if she’d known them forever and seemed genuinely interested in their lives, interests, and hobbies, while Rachel and his mother sat in silence, their faces full of malice and disdain. He supposed their reproving silence was better than his mother’s biting comments. He wanted to ask his mother why she had come and how long she was planning to stay. He felt as if he was walking on hot coals around her and wanted her gone as soon as possible. The boys talked freely with Leah, but were wary of their grandmother after what she did to Joe. But they had nothing against Rachel and tried as hard as they could to make pleasant conversation with her. At a lull in the conversation with Leah, Hoss turned to Rachel and asked:

“So Aunt Rachel you and Pa are twins, is that right?” All three of the boys were curious as to why their father never thought to mention that he had a twin sister. They knew he had two sisters but they did not know that he and Rachel were twins, separated by less than five minutes.

“Yes, unfortunately we are,” she said coldly, taking a sip of her tea. Hoss smiled at his brothers, it was always nice to learn something new about their father. Adam’s eyes were riveted on his father. His posture was tense and he seemed very ill at ease. He had never seen him so uncomfortable.

“Unfortunately? Why do you say that Aunt Rachel did you and Pa fight a lot?” Joe asked he smiled mischievously as he looked at his father. Rachel put down her cup and looked squarely at Joe.

“It’s unfortunate because I hate him,” she said. “I hate everything about him.” She looked at her brother, hurt and dislike written all over her face. Hoss and Joe stared at their aunt, then at their father in shock and bewilderment. The hurt in his eyes was unmistakable.

“We hate each other or did your perfect father never mention that to you?” she asked glaring at her brother whose head was bowed. He looked up at her and the boys and Leah could see the pain in his eyes.

“That’s not true, Rachel. I don’t hate you,” Ben said. He looked at his sister, his eyes pleading with her to tell him what he had done so horribly wrong and how he could begin to fix whatever ill he might have caused her to make her hate him so. She pursed her lips and looked away from him.

“When they were babies they would cry whenever the other one was out of sight, then I’d find them in their cradle, snuggled up together. I don’t know what started it…” their mother added. Leah and Ben glared at their mother, she knew what started it, she started it.

“You know full well what started it Mother,” Ben said under his breath, trying not to let his mother get to him, but she always did.

“How’s that Benjamin?!” his mother asked, pretending like she hadn’t heard.

“I said you started it, Mother,” Ben said quickly, his eyes flashing with rage. “From the time we could walk, you pitted her against me; you wanted her to hate me.” Elvira Cartwright feigned disgust and shock. Leah looked at the fire, her heart heavy, her only hope was for her family to get along but her mother always made sure they didn’t. Leah remembered how she had always picked fights with their father also, she was the kind of woman who was only happy when there was discord all around her.

“Why, it breaks my heart in two that you and your twin sister can’t stand each other. My soul is deeply grieved,” Elvira said, doing her best to sound distraught.

“Bullsh…!” Ben countered cutting his curse short in front of his sisters and mother. “You delighted in making us fight. You told her every chance you got that our pa loved me better than he loved her.”

“Are you saying your father didn’t love you best Benjamin?” their mother shot back. Ben had been his father’s right hand on their struggling ranch. Ben, as a boy, had made their land produce where his father had failed to do so. Joe Cartwright Sr. knew what an asset his son was and had relied heavily upon him. Everything the boy touched turned to gold in his hands and his father knew it what a gift the boy was to him. He cherished him above all else.

“Pa loved us all equally,” Leah added, coming to Ben’s defense. Leah knew that Ben was their father’s favorite, not that he ever said it, but in her heart she knew. Ben had succeeded where their father had failed over and over again, and all the while, Ben gave the credit to his father, a fact that was not lost on no one but Ben himself.

“No! That’s not true!” Rachel screamed jumping up from the sofa. “Father didn’t care a damn about me once you were born. All he wanted was a son! I hate you, Benjamin. I hate you for being born. Why, oh why couldn’t you have been a girl?” Rachel shouted storming past him as she ran up the stairs. They all heard the door to the guestroom slam. Ben was visibly shaken.

“There, you see what you’ve done Benjamin? You’ve upset your sister.” Ben glared at his mother.

“I’ve upset her?! Why didn’t you agree with Leah that Pa loved all of us the same?”

“Because he did love you best Benjamin. If you don’t know that by now, you’re dumber than he was.”

“Pa was not dumb and he loved us all the same,” Ben insisted. Elvira looked at her son, did he really not know? “Tell her, Leah.” Leah looked at her brother. What their mother was saying was true. Leah knew it, they all did, all of them, except Ben.

“Papa tried Ben,” Leah said quietly, her heart breaking at the look on his face. Ben couldn’t hide his shock and disbelief. Why wasn’t Leah backing him up? The thought that their father loved him better than his siblings was utterly ridiculous.

“What do you mean, he tried, Leah?” Ben asked, forcing himself not to raise his voice. Was Leah turning on him too?

“Any idiot could see it Benjamin,” his mother said quickly. “Except you, maybe that makes you more of an idiot than most.” Ben glared at his mother but turned back to his sister, his eyes pleading with her to back him up. Leah’s eyes were filled with compassion. Her brother never wanted to be their father’s favorite and that’s why he couldn’t see that he was.

“I’m sorry Ben,” Leah said as compassionately as she could, she had hoped he wouldn’t find out that way. Her brother’s eyes couldn’t hide the hurt and disbelief he was feeling. Leah rose from her chair and went to him.

“It’s not true, Leah, it’s not,” Ben insisted. Leah’s brows furrowed and she gently touched her brother’s face, looking into his sad eyes.

“He couldn’t help it Ben, he wanted a son so badly and you were everything he wasn’t. Everything you touched turned to gold Ben. The soil grew crops like we’d never seen…you had a head for figures and for business that our pa just didn’t have. He was a good man, an honest man of the earth but he just didn’t have the savvy that you had.”

“Leah, Pa loved his all his children, he was a good man,” Ben insisted.

“He was a very good man, and there’s no question that he loved all of us…”

“But not as much as he loved you,” Elvira interjected. “You were his world Benjamin. I think he loved you more than he loved me,” his mother said. She could not hide the jealousy in his voice. It dawned on Ben, maybe the root of some of her hatred of him stemmed from jealousy.

“Dear Lord, you look like him Benjamin,” his mother said sizing him up from the corners of her eyes. “Course you’re fatter and your pa was much handsomer. He didn’t have grey hair on his head till the day he died…you took your father from me, you took his love and you took his life. That’s why I couldn’t stay around after he died, I had to stare into his face every day, the face of my son who had killed his own father. My son, who my husband loved more than he loved his wife and other children…I just couldn’t do it. The thought that you lived and he was dead at your hand, no less, was too much for me to bear. You didn’t deserve to be alive when he was dead,” his mother said, her voice full of hate and anger.

“Papa’s death was an accident Mother, you know that! Rachel, Ben and pa were out hunting and Ben dropped the gun and it went off. You act as if he deliberately killed him…” Elvira looked at her son and huffed. Accident or not, the end result was the same, her husband was still dead and at the hands of his own son.

“Ironic isn’t it? The boy he loved so much would be the one to take his life?” Elvira added harshly. “I left because I hated you for killing him Benjamin. I couldn’t stay as long as you were there when every day, every moment I wished it had been you that had died instead of him.” Leah glared at her mother and turned her attention back to her bother. He was looking at his feet, but his shoulders were set in anger.

“So you ran out on us because you couldn’t bear it, is that it?” Ben asked quickly. That was no excuse to leave her children. Leah and Ben had done all they could to keep the family from starving, but they had no money and couldn’t even afford seed for the crops because their father had taken the seed on credit, which had to be paid back immediately after his death.

“I was so distraught. What was I supposed to do?”

“I don’t know, Mother, deal with your pain and be there for your children,” Ben said sarcastically. “You took the easy way out and left us alone.”

“A woman can only do so much.”

“A woman perhaps, but a mother owes more to her children than that.”

“You were your father’s responsibility, not mine. He wanted all you children; the only one of you I really wanted was Rachel and Leah sometimes.” Ben looked at Leah, they had heard it all before. He wished desperately that his mother would leave. And he hated that Adam, Hoss and Joe were subjected to their feud and that she had hurt Joe. He hated the way she treated him in front of his sons, but he was torn. He was commanded by God to honor his mother and what’s more, his father had loved her. Even as a boy Ben knew his father loved his mother. If for no other reason, he would put up with her for the sake of his father.

And as much as he wanted to throw her out in the rain and forget about her, in his heart he loved her. He often asked himself why he loved her, she ran out on them and left them to starve, but yet he still loved her. She was abusive, mean and made it very clear how she felt about him, but yet he still loved her. Leah would say it was a testament to the kind of man he was, that he could still love their mother after all she had put them through, but there were times he wished he could stop loving her. It would sure make his life easier if he could. But love did not mean he had to like her, and he certainly didn’t like his mother nor did he trust her.

And she had set an example for him of what he did not want to be. He had his mother’s temper, he had that much in common with her, and he knew from a young age the cost of letting the temper control him, instead of him controlling it. He swore that he would not be like his mother, no matter what it took, he vowed that he would not be like her. As if to test this vow, the good Lord had seen fit to give him Little Joe.

Part 4

“Boys, run upstairs to bed now,” Ben said quickly remembering that his sons were there and did not wish them witness any more than they already had.

“I’m not half tired,” Joe offered.

“I’m not asking you Joe, I’m telling you,” Ben said firmly. Joe started to protest but was silenced by Adam’s firm hand on his arm. The boys all hugged their father stiffly and headed up the stairs. Ben watched his sons until they were no longer visible. Then he turned back to his mother.

“Will you just get out of my house, Mother, and go back where you came from?” he asked. “I really don’t have the time or the desire to keep doing this with you.”

“Now wait Benjamin, I’ll say no more about it. I know you have to be wondering why on earth I came here. You must believe it’s simply to torment you.”

“Isn’t it?” Ben asked quickly. Elvira ignored him and continued.

“You know I married a few months ago?” Ben raised an eyebrow. He didn’t know.

“I wrote to you…do you not even read your dear mother’s letters?”

“Maybe if I had a “dear” mother, I would read her letters. But you see, my mother is not a dear,” Ben retorted. Elvira didn’t flinch and continued on as if she hadn’t heard him.

“Anyhow, I married a man named Charles DuBois and he’s in many business ventures. Well lately, he decided he wants to get into cattle ranching…” Ben looked at Leah, the horror evident in his eyes. Leah nodded ever so slightly and her brother’s face fell.

“…And naturally, I told him that my son is one of the biggest cattle barons in Virginia City and he decided he wants to buy some land out here and start a ranch ourselves. I told him I’m sure you’d be delighted to advise him about everything cattle ranching entails. I must say, I bragged you up pretty good dear Benjamin.”

“That must’ve been the first time in your life…” Ben said hotly. His mother looked at him quizzically.

“I always brag about my children Benjamin,” she insisted.

“Which children?” Leah asked and Ben had to bite back a chuckle.

“Why, you and Benjamin, and Rachel and John, and sweet Thomas…even poor little Thaddeus, dead all these years God rest his soul.”

“John’s in prison and last I heard Thomas moved to Utah to join the Mormons, Mother,” Ben said.

“And “poor little Thaddeus” died the winter you ran out us,” Leah added painfully. They had tried to keep the baby alive but he was just too young. The death of their brother was still a painful stop for Leah and Ben. At the very least, their mother should have taken him with her. He was still a baby, he needed her even more than they did.

“My my, Leah, you and Benjamin sure know how to hold grudges, don’t you? I wish you’d both just leave the past in the past and let us move on from here. Thomas doesn’t hold it against me, he’s so sweet to me and he does keep in much better contact with me than you do, Benjamin.”

“Yeah I’m sure he does,” Ben said harshly. Thomas had been only two years old when their mother left, he and John were spared the struggles of trying to provide for the family. Leah, Rachel, and Ben were forced to do whatever they could to keep food on the table. Many nights Ben had gone to bed without eating so his sisters and brothers could. When Elvira sent for Rachel, Leah and Ben had to provide for the family all on their own and it had been a daily struggle just to keep food on the table.

Ben finally decided to go to sea at fourteen because then he could make enough to support them. He sent almost every dime he made home to Leah and managed to keep the family from starving. There wasn’t a day that went by that he didn’t resent his mother for leaving them to fend for themselves. He never blamed Rachel for leaving, she was always close to their mother and the struggle to provide for their family had been too hard for her to bear. It wasn’t her responsibility in the first place.

“Thomas was too young to remember, we would have starved in those years after you left it wasn’t for Ben,” Leah added.

“Nonsense! I sent money to you kids, Leah!” their mother shouted.

“Fifteen cents every three months, Mother, really?” Ben asked. “That’s not nearly enough for four children.”

“It was all I could afford, Benjamin.”

“Yeah right,” Ben said quickly.

“You’re so cruel to me, Benjamin. You and Leah have both lost spouses, you’ve three, Benjamin. You know how hard it is to stay around after such a loss. Your father was everything to me.” Ben looked at Leah who rolled her eyes. Their mother said that their father was everything to her now, but when he was alive, she treated him terribly.

“So you left us to starve?” Ben said angrily.

“I couldn’t support everyone myself, Benjamin.”

“We would have helped you mother, you know we would have. But you took the easy way and you left and now you walk back into my life and you want me to let bygones be bygones. That’s not going to happen,” Ben said. “I can’t stop you and your new husband from buying land here, but I’m not going to help you get started. You can figure that out on your own like we had to do when you left us. I want you out of this house by morning, Mother,” Ben said firmly. “Leah and Rachel are, of course, welcome to stay, but I’ve had just about enough of you.” Leah looked at her daughter, incredulous.

“It’s his house and you do have a way of wearing out your welcome,” Leah said as her brother turned and went upstairs, Leah followed him, leaving their mother sitting alone by the fire.

When Ben got up the next morning, his mother had her things outside and they were loaded in the buckboard. Hop Sing was in the driver seat and, he was sad to see, Rachel was going with her. He hoped that he would be able to talk to Rachel without their mother present. If he could only get her away from their mother, maybe he could talk to her without her mother influencing everything he said. He made no effort to go outside to bid them goodbye, instead he just stood on the porch, leaning against the post watching them. He knew his mother wasn’t going for good. He knew her well enough to know that she’d be back and no doubt she would have some kind of trick up her sleeve when she came back, but he would deal with that when it came up. Leah stood beside her brother, her shawl wrapped tightly around her shoulders.

“You okay Ben?” she asked as she looked at her brother’s set face.

“Yes, Lele, I just want her gone,” Ben whispered. Leah smiled and touched his arm as she turned to go back inside. Over the years she had learned to tolerate her mother and she got along well with Rachel, she wished with all her soul that things could be the same for Ben, at least with Rachel.

Ben stood on the porch to make sure they left, his mother did not look back but he noticed that Rachel looked over her shoulder, allowing her eyes to meet his briefly. He thought he saw a hint of sadness in her eyes.

“Well com’ on Pa, let’s get to work, it’s Sunday and we’re planning on a short day,” Adam said as the three boys came out the door regretting that they had to go out and work at all. Normally they could take Sunday’s off, and when there wasn’t church, they didn’t have to go town and could do whatever they wanted to do. But there was a broken fence near the east pasture and they had to fix it. After that, they could do whatever they wanted, but with the clouds still hanging low and dark in the sky, they suspected that their leisurely activities would be held in the house.

They barely beat the rain home after fixing the fence, and could feel the drops of water on their faces as they arrived in the yard. If the clouds were any indication, they had one massive rainstorm coming.

“I hope ol’ Hop Sing made it back from town, Pa,” Hoss said looking up at the sky.

“He has numerous cousins he’ can stay with, he knows better than to try to beat the storm home.” Hoss’ face fell, if their cook did not make it back that meant that they were going to be subject to their father’s rather awful cooking.

Hoss could not hide his discontent as they put away the horses and saw no sign of the team of horses they used to pull the wagon. He had been working all day and he was looking forward to a nice, tasty meal cooked by Hop Sing. He tried desperately to hide his disappointment as they walked towards the house. But as they approached, they could smell delicious smells emanating from the house.

“Somethin’ smell delicious,” Hoss said licking his lips. Ben’s face broke into a wide grin.

“Boys, I believe you’re in for a treat, Leah is one heck of an amazing cook…and I do believe I smell some apple pie,” Ben said, his eyes dancing almost as much as Hoss’. Hoss licked his lips and ran for the house, wanting to make sure he got first dibs.

“I do believe you’ve out done yourself Lele, I think I’m about to burst,” Ben said as they finished dinner. She had made fried chicken, corn bread, mashed potatoes with butter, green opinions and garlic. The gravy was amazing and they all ate more than their fill. Despite their full stomachs, they all made room for apple pie and even Hoss declared it was better than Hop Sing’s. Leah’s face beamed with pride.

Joe, Hoss, Adam and Ben helped her clear the table and wash the dishes, then they all retired to the sitting room. Leah sat on the couch, content and happy now that her mother and sister were gone and she could enjoy her brother and nephews.

“So boys, how would you like to hear a story about when your pa was little?” Leah said smiling winking at her brother who was looking in the cabinet by the stairs.

“Leah you’re going to get me in trouble with the boys. I’ve spent fifteen years convincing Joseph that he’s the wild one in this family…Adam have you seen the whiskey?” Ben asked.

“It was there Pa, you filled up the carafe two days ago, is it not there?” Adam asked getting up to help his pa look. “Nope, you’re right, it’s not here,” Adam declared.

“Joseph do you know anything about this?” Ben asked sternly, while still looking in the cupboard.

“No Pa, I swear,” Joe said.

“It was probably Rachel, Ben,” Leah said quickly as her brother retrieved a bottle of wine from another cupboard and poured it in two glasses, handing one to his sister as he walked to the sitting room.

“Rachel? She never drank a drop in her life, as I recall. Mother, I would believe, but not Rachel.” Leah shrugged and let the subject drop. It was Rachel but she figured her brother had had enough shocks in the last day, she would talk to him more about it later. Leah took a sip of her wine as Ben took a seat near the fire and the boys found seats around their aunt.

“Now about your Pa,” Leah said smiling at her brother who watched her from the corners of his eyes wondering what story of mischief he was going to tell the boys that he would not be able to live down.

“When your pa was about three years old, we had this Aunt Mirna who was staying with us for the summer while our pa was working for the railroad…”

“Oh dear, Leah, not this story,” Ben said.

“Oh yes Ben,” his sister said, her eyes dancing with delight. “Anyway, she was this mean old woman who had raised our mother.”

“She had this huge hooked nose with a mole right on the end, she looked just like a storybook witch,” Ben added. “Remember her hair, it was grizzled, grey and it stuck straight out.” Ben was started chuckling as he reminisced about the woman who had scared the daylights out of him as a child.

“Well what happened auntie?” Hoss asked anxiously.

“She had this cane she walked with and she used to sit out on the porch every day, hollering at mother about this or that, and any time one of us kids would walk by, she swing at our legs with her cane. She tripped me more than once,” Leah said angrily.

“Me too, and she left quite a welt on my leg,” Ben said rubbing his shin as he remembered the rather hard whack he had been on the receiving end of for no good reason his three year old mind could comprehend. Leah nodded and continued.

“Well one day, I was walking by her with an armload of laundry and I tried to avoid her but she got me and tripped me. I fell and dropped the clothes everywhere. She was laughing like a witch and cackling. Then out of nowhere this ball comes flying through the air and, splat, hits here right on the nose,” Leah said, hitting her nose with the flat of her hand. Her brother eyed her, he was going to have a hard time living this down with his sons.

“Well Hoss, where do you think the ball came from?”

“Pa threw it!” Hoss added excitedly, his eyes wide with joy.

“You bet he did. He had been playing with this hard rubber ball and he saw her trip me and at he threw that ball, and whack, it hit her right on the witch nose.”

“Pa you made it seem like you never did one bad thing when you were a boy,” Joe said accusingly. Ben didn’t say a word as he took a sip of his wine and watched his sister.

“Naturally, I was shocked, but the funniest part of the whole thing was when I looked out in the yard, your pa was standing stock still, his legs apart like a gunfighter, his arms folded across his chest and he was glaring at her. His hair was sticking up in all directions and then he took his left finger, pointed at Aunt Mirna, and said “you no hit Lele, witch lady,” oh my but I nearly died laughing. It was so funny I couldn’t stand it.”

“Did you break her nose, Pa?” Adam asked, enjoying the story as well.

“No darn it,” Ben said chuckling.

“No she wasn’t hurt bad but she was boiling mad and she hated your pa from that day on. She actually was responsible for cultivating some of the bad feelings Mother had for you after that. She set out to thoroughly convince her that you were evil.”

“Unfortunately she succeeded,” Ben said looking at his left hand, if he looked close enough he could see the slightly crooked bones of his ring and index fingers that had been broken by his mother to break him of the habit. After he had thrown that left handed ball at Mirna, the woman had convinced his mother that because he used his left hand, he was somehow an evil child.” The belief that he was evil, was also a large part of his mother’s ill will towards him. Ben didn’t know his mother’s heritage because she never spoke of it, but he knew that wherever she and Mirna came from, they were highly superstitious people and believed strongly in signs they perceived as evil.

Part 5

The boys were still laughing about the story as they went upstairs to bed that night. They loved hearing stories of their father’s mischievous past.

“You’re going to ruin my reputation with those boys Leah,” Ben said as the boys went upstairs. His sister laughed and stood with her back to the fire, as she sipped her wine.

“I couldn’t ruin it Ben,” his sister said affectionately. “Those boys adore you. You’ve done so well with them. You’re so different from Mother.” Ben looked at his fingers again, he still remembered when his mother broke them, he had heard his fingers break. His sister noticed he was looking at his fingers, her heart filled with rage and anger.

“She’s such a terrible person, Ben, I still ask myself to this day what Pa saw in her. He was so even tempered, a lot like Hoss in a way, so kind, so slow to anger.”

“Mother is a very striking woman, Leah, and she knows how to work her charms on men, but I’ve often asked myself the same thing.” Ben bent his stiff fingers, they always felt stiff in the rain and lately they had begun to hurt when the weather got cold.

“You know, when she broke my fingers, that’s when I vowed before God that I would never be like her. I told the good Lord right then and there that if he ever gave me a son, or daughter who was left handed, I would break anyone’s neck who tried to make them switch hands. It was just so pointless and painful.”

“It took you so long to learn to write with your right hand. I felt so terrible for you when you just couldn’t form the letters and you had to do your school work over and over again. “You were always very smart but switching your hands set you back a lot. It was like you couldn’t get what was in your head, out of it.”

“It was such a waste of time,” Ben said. Leah nodded. Their mother was the type of person that would spend years on something as pointless as making her very stubborn, headstrong son switch hands, but no time on loving and cultivating a good relationship with them. “Why did she even bother, it wasn’t as if she actually cared about how I looked to people?”

“No but she cared how she looked and you being left handed was a bad reflection on her she thought. Besides I think she wanted to break you, Ben. By refusing to switch hands, she saw it as you defying her, it became a battle of the wills.”

“I hate that she’s here Leah, I know she’s up to something. What do you know about her husband?”

“Not much, I know he’s rich. I met him once, he seemed nice enough but it’s really hard to tell. You can just never know with Mother.”

“I’m not going to help him start a ranch,” Ben said firmly. Leah looked at him over the rim of her wine glass. She knew how strong her mother’s will was and she knew how sneaky she could be. She would get what she wanted, just like she had when he was a boy. Leah feared that this time, though, it would be more than a few broken fingers. She wouldn’t put it past her mother to destroy the Ponderosa if she had to get what she wanted.

Leah set her glass down on the mantle by the fire and walked behind the chair her brother was sitting in.

“Just be careful Ben, you know how unscrupulous she can be.” She ran her hand along his head, neck and shoulder. He caught her hand and looked into her eyes. He loved her so much. She had been more of a mother to him than his mother ever was and he attributed a lot of the way he turned out, to his older sister. Leah loved him unconditionally, she always had. From the time she held her tiny baby brother in her arms, she loved him and she never stopped. Leah had chosen to pick up the slack for their mother and in so doing she had shown her brother that it was possible to be different than his mother and that love was stronger than hate.

“I will Lele.”

The rain storm made the road to town impassable for two days, but Leah, Ben and the boys had no trouble entreating themselves while they were homebound. They delighted in hearing her stories of their father’s childhood every night after dinner and found themselves wishing she could stay forever. They all knew she would eventually go back to her life and children in Philadelphia but they didn’t dwell on it, they just enjoyed having her stay.

Still, in the back of his mind Ben knew that all was not well. His mother had left his home but he knew she was in town along with her sister and his heart was filled with dread about what she was planning. The mention of her wanting to start a ranch of her own unsettled him because his mother was not the ranching type. She hadn’t even so much as helped his father plow a field once; he seriously doubted she would be comfortable in the west, starting a ranch from scratch. He didn’t put anything past in mother and in the back of his mind, he knew she was going to make trouble for him. She always had made trouble for him. He had often felt that she did not wish him to succeed and wouldn’t be surprised if she tried to destroy the Ponderosa somehow.

And as much as he feared what his mother might do, he also worried about Rachel. Despite the fact that he acted as if he’d forgotten, Leah’s assertion that Rachel had taken the entire bottle of whiskey, worried him greatly. The more he looked around the house, the more he realized other bottles of alcohol were also missing, the only thing she had managed to miss was the bottle of wine he had had a few nights before. It wasn’t like Rachel to drink and it certainly wasn’t like her to steal expensive liquor. His twin might hate him for reasons largely unbeknownst to him, but he had never known her to steal. He made up his mind that he would try to find her in town and ask her about it. He didn’t know if she’d speak to him, but it was worth a shot, especially if he could catch her alone, without their mother dogging her steps.

So the next day, when Ben decided that the roads were passable, he and Adam went to town for the mail and supplies, while Joe and Hoss did chores on the range. Leah decided she was going to enjoy some peace and quiet and stayed home in front of the fire with a good book. They hoped to meet Hop Sing in town with the wagon to pick up the supplies.

Hop Sing was waiting in front of the store with the buckboard when they arrived. He waved at them and asked if he could borrow one of their horses to return home. Since Ben would entrust Buck to no one but himself, that left Adam to oblige their cook with Sport, a prospect that Adam was not happy about, but the cook was a decent horseman and was soon on his way.

“Something’s more likely to happen to Hop Sing than to Sport, son,” Ben said as Adam watched the cook leave on his horse.

“Then why didn’t you lend him Buck?” Adam asked following his father into the store. Ben looked at him as if he’d ask him to lend him his own legs.

“Because I’m the only one who can ride Buck,” Ben said matter of factly. “You know how temperamental he is.” Adam didn’t know, he was pretty sure his father only said that to keep anyone from riding his prized horse. But Adam knew better than to argue. There were a few things that his father was adamant about and no amount of arguing would change his mind, and the prohibition against anyone else riding Buck was one of those things. Adam let the subject drop and busied himself with helping his father collect their supplies.

After the wagon was loaded, Adam went across the street for the mail and to stop at the bank, while Ben decided he was going to look for Rachel. He didn’t have to look far because just as he was coming out of the store with the last bag of feed over his shoulder, he spotted her out of the corner of his eye. He looked at her in time to see her closing a flask and slipping it back into her bag. He threw the feedbag in the back of the wagon and hurried towards her.

“Hello Rachel,” he said startling her as he came up behind her. She turned and looked at him, her eyes hard and distant.

“Benjamin,” she said flatly.

“Nice the rain finally stopped,” Ben said not sure how to proceed. Rachel shrugged and looked away.

“I don’t know, I don’t mind the rain, it keeps annoying brothers on their ranch where they belong,” she said without looking at him. Ben sighed but pressed on.

“Where’s Mother?” Ben asked.

“Around, you know her husband Charles showed up in town last night right?”

“No I didn’t know. What’s he like?”

“He’s not like Pa, but I suppose he’s nice enough. What do you want Benjamin?” she demanded.

“I saw you with that flask, Rach,” Ben said quietly.

“Stop calling me Rach, and so what? A woman is allowed to have a drink is she not?”

“Sure, a woman can drink all she likes to, but most don’t do it in public from a flask,” Ben said.

“So I’m embarrassing you in front of your friends is that it?!” she said angrily. “Let’s get one thing straight Benjamin, you’re not my father, and you’re not my husband, just because you’re my brother, doesn’t mean you can tell me what I can and can’t do. I will drink an entire bottle of whiskey on the front steps of the church if I want to and there’s not a darn thing you can do to stop me.”

“Well I hope you won’t do that because that would be rather awkward, but I only mentioned it because I’m concerned, that’s all.”

“You haven’t written to me since before Adam was born and suddenly, now, you’re concerned. What are you concerned about? That I’ll get hammered and run through town in my undergarments signing at the top of my lungs? Afraid I’ll bring shame to the name of Cartwright?”

“Well that would be embarrassing if you did that, and now that you mention it, that does add to my concern a bit, but no, I’m worried because you took the whiskey from me without asking.” Rachel looked at him, she wanted to shout at him and deny it but it was true and they both knew it. If there was one thing her brother knew how to do, was seemingly read her mind. He had been able to do that since they were children. He always knew when she was lying.

“Would you have given me the entire bottle without a lecture if I had asked you?” she asked looking into his eyes. It had been years since she had seen his eyes, really actually looked into them. His eyes were just like their mother’s, but where Elvira’s were hard and cold, his were full of warmth, compassion and confusion.

“If you had asked, me, probably,” he replied. Rachel snorted and reached into her purse and pulled out a coin and shoved it in her brother’s hand.

“I don’t want your money Rachel,” he said quickly.

“What in the hell do you want then Ben?!” she nearly shouted.

“I want to know why you hate me so much. I refuse to believe it simply due to my being male. We used to be best friends years ago, I just want to know what happened? I know in your heart, you’re not like Mother, she doesn’t have the capacity for love and empathy, but you do, Rachel. I’ve seen it. If you wish to spend the rest of your life hating me, at least, for old time’s sake, for the boy you used to tell all your secrets to, tell me what I did.” Rachel looked at him, fine, she could play that game.

“Two words Ben: Miss Pinky.” Her brother’s mouth fell opened in confusion. He had no idea who she was referring to. Rachel smirked. “I knew you wouldn’t remember. When you do, then we’ll talk.”

“Rachel wait…” he said as his sister stepped away from the store and hurried off, leaving him completely dumbfounded. It took Ben a moment to stop his spinning mind, who in the world was Miss Pinky and what did she have to do with anything? He wracked his brain but couldn’t think of a soul with that name.

He was still puzzling over the identity of Miss Pinky when he stepped out into the street and was nearly run into by a horse. He jumped out of the way just in time and forced the mystery out of his mind for the time being. Maybe Leah would have some clue as to who Miss Pinky was.

Ben tried to but the identity of the mystery woman out of his mind when he spotted Adam coming out of the bank. Adam handed him the receipt for the deposit and a few letters.

“Let’s get going,” Ben said starting towards the wagon. He stopped when his mother called out his name.

“Benjamin, wait darling,” she said. Ben’s heart stopped in his chest. His mother had never called him “darling” in his entire life. Ben continued to climb onto Buck as his mother approached.

“Didn’t you hear me calling you?” she asked as he stopped and turned towards her.

“Well I thought you meant me but then you said “darling,” and I knew that it couldn’t be me you were referring to,” Ben said sarcastically. Elvira eyed him angrily, her face turning from her forced smile to the expression she used to get before back handing him as a child. He saw her had move slightly, let her try to back hand him now, he thought. But she forced her anger aside. She had to keep up appearances after all.

“Oh Benjie, you’re such a jokester,” she said.

“Don’t call me Benjie, Mother, and what do you want?” he shot back. His mother was briefly at a loss by the venom in her son’s voice. He was not playing along with her charade at all.

“I simply wanted you to meet Charles Dubois, my husband,” she said quickly as the man stepped up and extended his hand. Ben shook his hand and forced a tentative smile. He had no reason to dislike the man yet, but the fact that he was married to his mother was enough to make him more than a little apprehensive about his new step-father.

“Nice to meet you Mr. Dubois,” Ben said as Adam had finally climbed out of the wagon and was now standing beside him. “This is my son Adam, Adam, Charles Dubois,” Ben said. His son shook the man’s hand but didn’t say a word.

“Pleasure to meet you both, and there’s no need to call me Mr. Dubois, Charles will do just fine.”

“I think Pa would be more fitting, don’t you son?” Elvira cooked putting her hand on Ben’s arm, Ben pulled his arm back as if he had been burned.

“No, he’s not my pa,” Ben said.

“Yes, Elvie, what are you thinking? I’ve only just met your son; you don’t expect the boy to call me Pa right off do you?” Ben didn’t like being referred to as a boy, but decided against making a big deal about it for the time being. He was more interested in figuring out what Charles and his mother were up to.

“Mother says you’re looking to start a ranch out here?” Ben said quickly bringing the topic to what he wanted to know.

“Yes and we’ve made good start of it. I’ve just managed to buy a nice piece of land up by your north pasture.” Ben’s heart plunged into his stomach. The only piece of land that was for sale by the north pasture, contained the source of Fork Creek, the water source for a large portion of the Ponderosa and whoever controlled it could cut off the water. He had tried to buy it unsuccessfully for months.

“I thought old man Tarely wasn’t selling?” Adam said as his father struggled to find his breath.

“Well, my dear boy, if you throw enough money at him, any man will sell.”

“The head of Fork Creek is on our land,” Elvira told her son triumphantly.

“I’m aware of that,” Ben said. His mother smiled deviously.

“I believe that over one hundred miles of your land is watered by Fork Creek, isn’t that right?” she asked, knowing full well that it was. The sour expression on her son’s face was not lost on his mother. “You know Ben, darling, we are thinking that since you’re being so horribly mean to your dear old mother and refusing to help me start my own ranch, we could dam that creek and create a mill of some kind.”

“I spoke to the banker and he told me that there aren’t many lumber mills out that way and our land also has some prime timber,” Charles added.

“Charles, we have a water contract with Vern Tarley,” Ben said quickly. “If you dam that creek, it will cut off water to a large part of the Ponderosa, not to mention it’ll flood Silver Canyon, and some very prime timber land, which happens to be on the Ponderosa.”

“Water contracts don’t necessarily pass to the next owner,” Elvira said. “And we aren’t bound by a contract you had with the previous owner.”

“No but you are bound by land boarders and you cannot flood my land in the process,” Ben said quickly. “All of Silver Canyon and all the land surrounding yours belongs to me.”

“We’ll see about that,” Elvira said under her breath.

“Now, now Elvie, let’s not get testy. We don’t have to dam a thing if Ben would be so kind as to help us start a ranch of our own.”

“Even if we do help you, you can’t possibly compete with our cattle, why bother?” Adam asked.

“Consider it a hobby of mine,” Charles said.

“Cattle ranching is an expensive, back breaking hobby,” Ben replied. “But if you’ll sign a new water contract, I’ll help you start your ranch and what’s more, I’ll give you twenty five head of cattle to start your herd,” Ben said feeling like he had the upper hand. His mother could do whatever she wanted if he got the water contract. He had not wanted to give in to his mother, but it was better than the alternative at the present time. He could not afford to have that much land dried up. It would kill his best grazing land, wipe out the water for the homesteaders along the creek and kill thousands of acres of timber. If they would agree to a new water contract, he could spare some time to help them get started.

“Well Elvie, what do you think about that?” her husband asked excitedly. Elvira looked at her son, his gaze held hers.

“No,” she said sternly. “We won’t be bound by a contract. We’ll start the ranch ourselves and what’s more, we’ll own the Ponderosa before we’re through. You think that just because you have the biggest ranch in all of Nevada, that I can’t compete with you? Well son, let the war begin. I will ruin you.”

“Why would you wish to do that Mother,” Ben asked quickly.

“Because I want what you have, why else would I do it?”

“You can buy what I have with the kind of money your new husband has,” Ben retorted.

“I don’t want something like the Ponderosa, I want the Ponderosa. All of it, every last acre.”

“What good would it do you?” Adam asked, hating his grandmother even more than he did before.

“No good, I just want to see Ben fail at something for once in his life. Ever since he was born, all I heard from his father was “Bens’ so smart, he’s going to own the world if he wants to, he’ll have whatever he sets his mind to,” well, I’m going to prove your father wrong. I’m going to have my mind set to your land and I’ll get it if it kills me. You and your pa may be stubborn Adam, I know how stubborn you pa is, but you forget, I broke him. I won. I want him to be beholding to me instead of him feeling like I owe him.”

“You didn’t break me, Mother,” Ben nearly shouted.

“Really son, which side is your gun on?” she asked. Her son was taken by surprise and looked down at his gun. “If I didn’t break you, why isn’t it on the left?”

“Now, now, we’re all family, no one’s trying to “break” anyone. I’m sure we can arrive at an arrangement that we’ll be satisfied with,” Charles chimed in. “Come along Elvie, we have much to do and I think we’ve held your son up long enough.” Elvira walked with her husband, but managed to glare triumphantly at her son. Ben watched his mother go, he was so angry he could hardly breathe.

“She’s not getting the Ponderosa,” Ben said as he turned back towards the horse.

“She won’t Pa, we’ve been up against all odd before,” Adam said as he climbed on to the wagon seat. They had been up against greater foes before but none who seemed to be driven by such hatred. Adam couldn’t understand why his grandmother was so hateful. He knew she was jealous of his father and she blamed him for the death of his father, but the level of her hatred of him was hard to fathom and made it hard for him to understand her motivation.

Part 6

Ben and Adam rode back to the ranch mostly in silence. Adam drove the wagon and Ben followed beside on Buck. His mind was racing with the confrontation with his mother. He worried that she could cause problems for him, but he knew that the land around hers was on the Ponderosa and although she could cut off the water, she couldn’t flood the land legally. It would be hard to dam the water because the water had to go somewhere and the only place she could send it, would be Ponderosa land. Still, he worried that she could find a way.

Even if she did it illegally, the damage would be done and the ramifications would be catastrophic to his ranch. If she sent the creek one direction, it would flood the timber in Silver Canyon and the homesteads along the valley, if she sent it another way, it would flood their house and take out the herd and hundreds of acres of timber and more homesteads. None of these scenarios could be legally done, but then, his mother never seemed to care too much about what was legal and what wasn’t.

“It’ll be okay Pa,” Adam said. “We have the deeds to all the land around their plot, we own the timber rights in Silver Canyon, they can’t just dam the river.”

“Legally, but if they do it illegally, then the damage will still be done,” Ben worried. “This could destroy us.”

“We have all the maps and deeds and she has to have a survey done before she can just start damming the creek.” Ben nodded, he supposed Adam was right but still it weighed heavily on his mind. Charles Dubois was the son of a steel tycoon, his father own real estate in every state and territory from New York to Mexico, he could buy the whole territory of Nevada if he wanted to, with no more thought than a man might give to buying a bag of feed. If his mother wanted the Ponderosa, she could find a way to get it. With that kind of money at her disposal, she could easily have deeds and maps showing land boundaries forged. Fighting the legal battles to prove the land belonged to him would be costly and he didn’t have the resources she did. If she set her mind to get it, she had every means at her disposal to succeed.

Ben helped Adam unload the supplies, his distress evident on his face. Adam tried to be reassuring, but the truth was that he did not know his grandmother like his father did. Ben knew that she was not the type of person to just give up. If she set her mind to something, she made it happen, right or wrong, she saw it through to the end. She had spent more than six years of his life forcing him to switch hands, never giving an inch until her son finally complied. And even after he switched for good, she spent the next several years forcing him to write his schoolwork over and over again until his writing was flawless and perfect. No matter how much he protested or even cried in frustration, she refused to give in. She had a will like none other. Ben Cartwright was a stubborn man, but his mother’s will was just as strong if not stronger and she, unlike him, was never willing to compromise. If she met someone who resisted her, she fought harder; it became a game with her to beat them at any cost.

“Don’t worry we have everything in order, there’s nothing she can do, she’s just trying to scare you,” Adam said.

“There’s a lot she can do Adam,” Ben said realizing that the fear that had lingered in his heart as a child, had returned. Fear of his mother had been with him constantly as a child, and only after she left, did he even realize it had been there. As much as he hated and resented her for leaving them, her departure had given him a sense of peace that he had never felt in all his life prior to that. He wasn’t constantly walking on egg shells; afraid of being stunned by an unexpected backhand to the face, or the biting insults he always seemed to be on the receiving end of, or trying to protect his siblings from her unpredictable wrath. In many ways her abandonment had been his liberation. But now, she was back, and he felt the same helplessness he had felt then. It was foolish to feel that way, he was a grown man and his mother was an old woman, and though she couldn’t physically hurt him anymore, she could still hurt him by taking everything he held dear. She had already taken Rachel from him, their bond had been unbreakable for many years, and she had succeeded in turning his beloved sister against him. The woman’s cruelty knew no bounds and that was what he feared.

“You’re not very good at hiding your worry, Pa,” Adam said as they walked to the house.

“It’ll be alright Adam, we’ll figure it out,” Ben said, forcing himself to be positive for the sake of his son. It would have been better for both of them if he had told Adam what he felt. Adam knew his father was plagued with worry and he wanted to shoulder it with him. He was old enough to carry it too. He worried about his father trying to carry the fear and worry all on his own. It could weaken him to the point of getting sick or making a rash decision that could cost him his life and for Adam, the fear of losing his father, was greater than the fear of losing the Ponderosa.

“I’m going to go out and make sure Joe and Hoss rounded up those strays instead of goofing off again. Try not to worry too much; we’ll see what we can figure out tonight and keep a constant eye on the North Pasture and Silver Canyon, ok?” Adam said. Ben nodded his thanks but not worrying was easier said than done.

Once he got inside, Ben hung his hat up and pulled off his gun, remembering the words of his mother “I broke you, what side is your gun on?” she had said. She might have broken him once, but never again. If she wanted a war, a war she would have, he thought as he sighed and tried to calm his frazzled nerves.

“Did you see Mother and Rachel in town?” Leah asked as she looked at him from the warmth of the chair by the fire. Ben nodded and walked to the opposite chair and sat across from his sister. Leah knew from the tenseness of his shoulders that he was upset and watched as he raked his fingers through his hair. He told her of the encounter with their mother and she too felt fear. She knew that Adam had made logical arguments, the law was on Ben’s side, but that didn’t mean that their mother couldn’t still cause problems for him. She still did her best to reassure him that all would be alright. Ben was very smart and savvy about such things but so was their mother, she could prove to be a formidable foe and with that much money at her disposal, Leah understood Ben’s worry fully.

“By the way Leah, do you have any idea who Miss Pinky is?” Ben asked, suddenly remembering that the name was the key to the mystery of Rachel’s hatred. At least maybe some good could come out of the visit if he could patch things up with his twin.

“Who?” Leah asked. Ben looked at the fire then back at Leah.

“Miss Pinky? Rachel told me today that she was the reason why she hates me so,” Ben said. “I’ve wracked by brain but can’t seem to recall anyone with that name.” Leah set her book down on her lap and smiled as it dawned on her.

“That’s because it’s not who, it’s what. Miss Pinky was Rachel’s doll…remember that hideous monkey doll she loved so much?”

“Oh, you’re right, the one I threw into the fire,” Ben said regretfully.” Leah looked at her brother from the corners of her eyes.

“I told her over and over again, I never meant to throw the doll in the fire,” Ben said with a slight edge in his voice. “But she refuses to believe me. How can she think I would deliberately destroy something she cared so much about?”

“Because Mother convinced her that you did.”

“You know to this day, I have no idea how that doll got into the paper scraps? I suppose that old mutt Rex might have dropped it in there, but the bin was up too high for him to reach,” Ben said more to himself than to his sister.

“You really have no idea Ben?” Leah asked.

“No, why would I?”

“Because Mother put that doll in the scraps,” Leah said. “Then she told you to empty the paper scraps into the fire knowing full well that Miss Pinky was in there and would be destroyed and you would be blamed for it.”

“No Leah, why would she do that?”

“Mother was a bit tipsy a few years back and she admitted to me that she did it, she would tell me why only that she did it because she felt like it. I told Rachel but she didn’t believe me. As to why, well why does our mother do anything she does? The nearest I can figure is she did it for a few reasons: one being that she was jealous of how much Rachel loved it because Papa gave it to her, and Mother was always resentful of the gifts Pa got us, especially if he didn’t get a gift for her. The second reason is because the doll was threadbare and worn out and you know how Rachel carried it everywhere she went and Mother thought it was disgusting. And the last reason, and I think her main reason, was to turn Rachel and hopefully, Pa himself, against you. Think about it Ben, you were always teasing Rachel about that doll, calling it Miss Stinky and telling her it was ugly…”

“I was just funning with her, I never planned to damage it or do anything to it,” Ben retorted. “I would never have done that. I helped Rachel tear the house apart that time she couldn’t find it and it turned out Rex had taken it to his dog house, remember? I even crawled in his house to get it for her. I was so worried that he had torn it up, but he didn’t. I was so excited I found it I ran back to the house so fast I couldn’t even talk, I just handed it to her as I tried to catch my breath.”

“I know, I remember all that but once it was gone, Mother used the harmless teasing as proof to Rachel that you did it on purpose. She told her you put out in the dog house to be mean…Rachel was so upset about the doll being destroyed that she believed her. Once she started to believe her, Mother just kept at it until everything you ever did, was twisted in such a way that everything you did was done out of shellfish and cruel intentions.”

“How could Rachel believe her Leah? I cried my eyes out over throwing that doll in the fire. I burned my hand and singed the hair off my arm trying to get it out before it burned up. It was just a stupid doll, how can she still hold it against me after all this time?”

“Because it wasn’t just a stupid doll to her Ben, it was a prized gift that Pa had picked out especially for her. It was her favorite toy and her way of feeling close to him while he was away so much. It was a symbol that he did love her and you, the son she knew he favored, took it away from her.”

“She thinks I betrayed her,” Ben said finally, the realization dawning on him. He knew that the doll burning up had deeply hurt his sister, but he never knew how much it had or the feelings she had associated with the doll until that moment.

“Yes, she probably does. Mother no doubt told her you were jealous because you wanted Pa to love you best and didn’t want him giving gifts to the other children. And you know Mother told Pa you did it on purpose?”

“He nearly tanned my hide for it too,” Ben said remembering the look his father had given him when his mother had told him he threw it in the fire. His father had a look of utter disappointment that Ben had never seen before. “I would have gotten one hell of a whipping if it hadn’t been for you coming to my defense.”

“Well I told him how you came running into the kitchen crying so hard you couldn’t talk, you hand was burned and you told me to come right away. You just kept saying “how’d it get in there, how’d it get in there?” By the time I got there, there was nothing left of the doll, and I remembered you collapsed in front of the fireplace sobbing so hard you couldn’t breathe. You just kept saying “I’m sorry Rachel, I’m sorry Rachel,” even though she was still outside playing at the time. Pa believed me and felt that you wouldn’t have reacted so strongly if you had done it on purpose. Besides that, I asked him why you would have wanted to. You had never done anything like that before.” Ben had to blink to keep his own tears at bay. It had been a terrible experience for him, made that much worse by the knowledge that his mother was responsible for it.

“I told Rachel I would buy her a new one. The first thing I did after I went to sea, no matter where the ship docked was to run to the store and look for a new one but I never could find one. I have no idea where Pa found it, but I could never find another. I still keep my eyes out for one to this day. I promised her I’d replace it and I have yet to fulfill that promise. Not sure it’d do much good now anyway,” Ben said.

“It might be worth a shot if you were to find one. I don’t think all hope is lost with Rachel. I think that’s why she drinks, because she misses you but has too much Cartwright pride to admit it. And of course all the years that have gone by and all the perceived hurts that have just compounded. She lives with Mother and it think it’s just easier for her to hate you rather than to admit that Mother never really cared for her either. Hating you is what Mother wants her to do and it’s easier than admitting that she fell for Mother’s lies. Then there is the truth about how Pa died…”

“Leah!” Ben said quickly. Leah looked at her brother.

“What Ben? I never believed you should have taken the blame for it.”

“We agreed to never speak of it! I don’t care what you believed I should have done. I had my reasons.”

“Fine but we both know that you didn’t kill Pa, she did…”

“I love you with all my heart but you’ll not speak of it again in this house. Is that clear?”

“I won’t speak of it again Ben, but you don’t have to keep protecting her especially after the way she’s treated you for so many years.”

“Rachel is my sister, she’s my twin, and I will always protect her, the same as I’ve always protected you. How she chooses to treat me doesn’t change that.”

“I know, you’ve always had such a strong bond with each other. You and she used to have this connection, like you could sense what the other one was feeling. She used to tell me that she could feel it when you were hurting and you seemed always able to read her mind, like you could feel what she was feeling and know what she was thinking. When she got lost, you always knew exactly where she was and went right to her. Mother of course, thought that was another sign that you were evil because the connection you felt towards each other was stronger than normal brother and sister.”

“Rachel could always feel it when I hurt myself too,” Ben said.

“She still can, when we were on the way out here, she was stepping into the stagecoach and stopped when her ankle tightened. Mother asked her what was wrong and she said “Nothing, probably Ben’s just twisted his ankle.” She rubbed it and went on her way, but it set Mother off saying how it was unnatural and only a boy with the devil inside could hurt his sister without even being near her. I never thought it was strange, I just thought that it was because you are twins you’re connected more strongly to each other than normal siblings are. I’ve heard of it happening with other twins, but Mother uses it to point out to Rachel how bad you are and that you even how the power to cause her physical distress from afar. I’m not sure Rachel quite buys that though.”

“When we were sixteen and I was at sea, I had this overwhelming sense of sadness; I remember it being so strong I knew immediately that something was wrong with Rachel. Come to find out later that was the day that little weasel of a fiancé of hers, broke it off with her. I still can feel it when she’s sad or happy. I haven’t sensed her happiness in many years. All I want is for her to be happy. That’s all I’ve ever wanted for Rachel. I could live with her never speaking to me again as long as I knew she was happy.”

“But she can’t be happy if she never speaks to you again, that’s why she’s not. That’s why she drinks. I’ve told her over and over again, “you need to make things right with Ben, you won’t be happy until you do,” but she always has some reason. And every time I think I’ve convinced her to write to you and see what happens, Mother always talks her out of it. I think Mother feels that if she makes amends with you, Rachel won’t love her anymore. Or that Rachel will love you more than she loves her, just like she felt that Pa loved you more than he loved her. It’s like it some kind of competition with Mother as to who loves who more.”

“I miss Rachel, as odd as that may sound,” Ben said.

“It doesn’t sound odd at all. She’s your twin sister and you were always very close as children. You were inseparable for many, many years. When you were very young, you shared a bed and whenever I went in to say goodnight, you always had your arms around each other. Sometimes you’d kiss her face in your sleep and mumble “I love you.” Then she’d rub your cheek and say “I love you Benjie.” She was the only one who could get away with calling you Benjie, even Pa’s ma, Grammy, whom you adored, was not allowed to call you Benjie. Even I was told by you in no uncertain terms, that I was not to call you Benjie. You have a special bond with her, of course you’re going to miss her.”

“I check the mail every week for a letter from her, hoping maybe she’ll reach out to me, but they never come.”

“She does the same with you,” Leah said. “She and Mother live next door to me; she and I always walk to the post office together. Every time I get a letter from you, she looks anxiously and asks if you wrote to her too.”

“I didn’t know she still wanted me to write, she never wrote back to me before…when I went to sea I wrote to her every week. I tried to make amends back then but I never received even one letter back from her. I finally stopped writing to her when I married Elizabeth because it was too painful to write and never, ever receive a response.” Leah looked perplexed.

“Rachel said she never received any letters from you when you were at sea,” Leah said. Ben’s eyes squinted in confusion.

“I don’t know how that’s possible. You got yours, Mother got hers on the rare occasion I’d write to her and John and Thomas always seemed to get most of theirs. I sent Rachel’s at the same time. How could she not get any of them?” Leah’s heart plummeted into her stomach and her mouth fell opened in disbelief. She knew her brother wasn’t lying about the letters and she knew that Rachel wasn’t either. There was only one explanation.

“Mother!” they both said together.

“The old witch must have taken Rachel’s letters!” Leah said, stunned despite the fact that she had long since ceased to be amazed at how low her mother would stoop. “It’s the only possible explanation; she lived with Mother the whole time you were at sea.” Ben felt as if he had been punched in the stomach, how could his mother do that to Rachel? No wonder she hated him. First their mother convinced her that he deliberately destroyed Miss Pinky and then she took every single letter he wrote to her thereafter and convinced her that it was because he no longer cared about her.

“My God, Leah…No wonder she hates me,” Ben said shaking his head in utter disbelief. Leah and Ben sat in stunned silence for a moment, both trying to fathom the depth of their mother’s depravity. “I just…I’m at a loss for words.”

“Me too. I’ll make us some tea,” she said as she patted his knee and got up slowly. He brother was resting his chin on his tightly clasped hands and the edges of his eyes were starting to water.

“I’m so sorry Ben,” she said as she rubbed his shoulder gently. Her brother nodded but didn’t speak. Leah blinked back her own tears as she headed for the kitchen.

Part 7

After talking with Leah, Ben’s heart felt heavier than it had before. He felt better that he knew the source of Rachel’s hatred for him, but he didn’t know how to begin to fix it. He could swear to her that he had written to her when he was at sea and tell her again that he had not meant to destroy Miss Pinky, but he had said those things before and she hadn’t believed him. He wished there was some way he could get to Rachel alone and really talk to her from his heart, without his mother or anyone else to butt in. But there was the matter of his mother’s property and the prospect of the damming of Fork Creek to occupy his time and mind. He or the boys checked it every day and for more than two weeks there was no sign of any activity on the land. But nearly two weeks later as he and Leah were riding out to check on the North Pasture, they were met by Adam running at full speed on his horse, towards them. Ben and Leah urged their horses towards him, pulling their horses to a stop as he did the same.

“Pa, Aunt Leah, I’ve just come from checking Silver Canyon, grandmother, Charles and Rachel are up there with the surveyor. They’ve got ropes laid out all along the ground, tied to the trees. I went up there to tell the surveyor that this is our land, but he said that they have maps that show otherwise. I’m riding to the Land Office in town to get copies of the original maps.” Ben’s heart sank and he was filled with fear.

“We have maps at the house, those will be faster than going all the way to the land office,” Ben added.

“No, grandmother has some that are dated two months older than the ones we have. I have them here in my saddle bags, I brought them just in case.”

“Damnation! All right son, ride like hell to town and see if you can get a copy of the original maps and deeds. If not, send a wire to Carson City and see if we can get one from the Hall of Records. Pay whatever you have to to get the maps here as quickly as you can.” Adam nodded breathlessly and urged his horse on.

“Leah can you find your way back to the house and get Hoss and Joe and bring them out here right away? I’m going to need some back-up.”

“I think I can find the way,” Leah said.

“Just follow the trail back, keep the lake on your left and follow the bend to the right, it shouldn’t be more than four miles.”

“I’ll find it, are you sure you want to go alone, you never know what Mother might do.”

“I have to go, with the land surveyor there; I doubt she’ll try anything. I know the surveyor, he’s a reasonable man, if I can’t get Mother to listen to me, I might be able to get him to delay until we can get the original maps and deeds.”

“Okay Ben but be careful,” Leah said turning her horse towards the house. Ben nodded and turned Buck in the opposite direction.

Ben kicked Buck, urging the horse to run at top speed as he ran the nearly two miles to the top of Silver Canyon, his heart was racing almost as fast as the horse beneath him. He knew his mother was planning something and the fact that she had a map that was older than his, meant that she had forged it and he wondered how far the forgery stretched. If she had enough foresight to forge the ones in Carson City also, there would be very little they could do to prove the land belonged to them. The best the might be able to do, would be to sue for an injunction and delay the process for a few months. But what then?

Ben’s head was spinning as he neared the top of the canyon, his horse was sweating beneath him and he was picking his footing carefully, Ben knew the horse was tired but he urged him onward. He felt as if he was racing against the dam itself, as if a wall of water was waiting to be released and flood everything he owned as far as the eye could see.

“Just a bit more old boy,” Ben urged his panting horse. He slowed a bit as the climb became steeper. He didn’t want to kill the animal in his urgency and there wasn’t a wall of water waiting to sweep him away. Still he pressed on urgently. His stomach clenched in fear as he finally rounded the top of the canyon. Adam was right, there were rope laid out along the ground, stretching all the way over the edge of the canyon. His mother and Charles were looking at a map laid out on a table, Rachel stood off in the distance, her arms folded across her chest as if she was nervous. The surveyor had put his equipment away and was loading it on the back of his wagon.

“Oh hi Ben,” the surveyor said as Ben pulled Buck to an abrupt halt and jumped off, the horse was agitated as Ben held his lead and gently quieted him.

“Hi yourself Mark, what in the world is going on here?” Ben said angrily.

“What does it look like Ben, I’m doing a land survey. Mr. and Mrs. Dubois are thinking about damming the creek on their land and were just trying to chart the best course of action for the flow of the water.

“This is Ponderosa land! If you’re going to flood it, don’t you think you should make sure that you have the permission of the landowner?” Ben thundered. Mark was unfazed.

“Don’t tell me my job Cartwright. I know what I’m doing and they’ve provided documentation to show that this is not the Ponderosa at all. See for yourself if you want,” he said nodding at the table that his mother and Charles were leaning over. Ben hurried to the table and snatched the map, his heart fell to his feet, the maps did seem to indicate that the land he was standing on, his land, did not belong to him. In fact, the boundaries of the Ponderosa had been so severely altered it was not even clear if the land the house was on belonged to him.

“These maps have been altered,” he gasped, hardly able to believe what he was seeing.

“No they haven’t been,” Elvira countered. “They’re legitimate.” Ben slammed the map back down on the table and glared at his mother.

“You listen to me woman, this is my land! I don’t know how you altered these maps but they’ve been altered and what you’re planning will flood everything, including my house!” Ben shouted. His mother looked at the map.

“Oh yes, that little mark is your house isn’t it? Well son, consider this your notice to vacate.”

“I will not vacate! This is my land…!” Ben shouted.

“If you want to down, that’s up to you,” Elvira said triumphantly. “It’s not skin off my back.” Ben huffed in exasperation as he hurried back to the surveyor.

“Now listen Mark, you’ve surveyed my land before, you know as well as I do that this is the Ponderosa. Adam showed you the maps just today.” Mark climbed onto his wagon seat and looked down at Ben.

“I don’t go off what I’ve done in the past, Ben, I have to go by what’s in front of me. And those maps are what’s in front of me. If you want, I will try to review some of the older maps in town and see where the discrepancy is, I’ll be by to talk to you in a few days with what I find. But I must tell you, their paperwork looks pretty legitimate to me.” The surveyor clicked his horses to a start and drove away. Ben watched him go and decided to change tactics. Maybe he could reason with Charles.

“Charles, please, my son showed you the maps that indicate this land is ours. This proposal will flood everything I own including my house,” Ben said pointing at the map, his heart heaving and pounding.

“We have these maps, Ben, the land is ours,” Charles said.

“Listen to me, please Charles, you’re a business man are you not?” Ben asked quickly.

“Why yes I am,” Charles said turning to face his stepson.

“Well what do you do if you want to say put railroad ties through disputed lands, you have multiple surveys and assessments done to see who really owns the land do you not?”

“Why yes we do. It’s costly to find out after the fact that the land has not been properly deeded.”

“Exactly, if I have to I will file an injunction to stop this plan until this matter can be resolved but that will cost us both a lot of time and money…”

“Money is of no importance to us, Benjamin,” his mother added. Charles eyed her sideways.

“Maybe not to you but it certainly is of great importance to me, my dear,” he added. Elvira gave her husband a look that would have killed him had that ability been within her power, a look her son had seen many times before. It was the look she got when she would not be defied.

“It is to me too,” Ben added, seeing his opportunity to maybe reason with Charles. “I’m a business man myself and lawsuits are costly and time consuming endeavors. Here’s my proposal: I’ll pay for the new surveyor and assessor and we’ll meet with our lawyers and try to get this straightened out.”

“Well we did want to start as soon as possible…”

“I realize that but I’m going to file an injunction to stop you if you do so you can’t start right away anyway, I’d rather not do the lawsuit, let’s see what we can work out first. There’s no hurry to dam the river yet. It will be costly for us both.”

“We can afford the expense Benjamin, but you cannot,” his mother chimed in.

“Perhaps, but I don’t wish to waste money if this does prove to be his land after all, my dear,” Charles said studying the maps. Ben looked at the man, realizing that he probably had nothing to do with forging the maps. “And lawsuits are so terribly irksome. I don’t think it will hurt to double check…” Charles said as he turned to face his wife. But his words were cut short by a shot to the stomach. His eyes sparked with shock as he clutched his middle and fell to the ground dead. Ben was stunned and reached for his gun.

“Don’t even go near your gun, Benjamin,” his mother shouted, keeping the gun with which she had just killed her husband, aimed at her son. Ben held his arms out and away from his sides, not daring to move. “Rachel, take his gun,” Elvira said over his son’s shoulder. Rachel walked up tentatively and removed her brother’s gun from the holster on his hip. She threw it on the ground in front of her mother. Ben looked at his sister, hoping to find an ally. He thought he saw fear in Rachel’s eyes but couldn’t be sure.

“Now get over here by me Rachel, I don’t want you to close to him. I know you two could always communicate without speaking. It’s unnatural the way you could always do that.” Rachel walked slowly towards her mother; her eyes were locked with her brother’s.

“This is my land, Mother,” Ben said quickly.

“Yes Benjamin, I know it is, but there’s not a thing you can do about it. Adam will find the correct deeds at the land office if he looks hard enough, I’m afraid there might be a few I overlooked.”

“This really is his land, Mother?” Rachel asked.

“Yes and but it soon will be mine. When Adam comes with the originals, you’ll sign them over to me, Ben, or I’ll kill Rachel,” Elvira said pointing the gun at her daughter. Ben swallowed hard, trying to calm his pounding heart.

“He doesn’t care, he doesn’t give a damn about me,” Rachel said looking at her brother.

“That’s not true, Rachel. I love you very much,” Ben said, letting his hands fall to his sides.

“Keep your hands up Benjamin,” his mother said cocking the pistol. Ben complied. “Get over here by me Rachel,” Elvira said. Her daughter walked to her mother whose arm went quickly around her neck. Elvira pressed the gun to her daughter’s temple, her son took a step towards them.

“Don’t move a muscle, or I’ll blow her brains out right here,” Elvira shouted.

“He doesn’t care Mother,” Rachel maintained. Elvira looked at her son, she knew he cared, he always cared. That was his weakness.

“Rachel what must I do to convince you that I don’t hate you?” Ben asked.

“What must you do Benjamin?! Tell me why you destroyed Miss Pinky!” his sister shouted at him. “How could you do that to me, Ben? I loved you so and you betrayed me.”

“I swear I didn’t mean to Rachel. I had no idea the doll was in the scraps. I swear on my life.”

“Yeah right,” Rachel shouted back.

“What motivation would I have to destroy it?” Ben asked.

“Jealousy, you hated that Papa gave it to me.”

“That’s not true. I was delighted with how much you loved it. I wouldn’t have done that on purpose Rach. It broke my heart when that doll went into the fire.”

“You’re a liar!” Rachel shouted. “You did it to hurt me, so that I would have nothing left of Papa…you did it just to be cruel, your just like mother.” Ben’s heart broke. The last person in the world he wanted to be compared to was his mother.

“I’m not like her…” Ben said, his voice cracking slightly. “I don’t know how to make you believe me. I didn’t do it on purpose.”

“Oh no, then why didn’t you ever write to me when you were at sea? I waited and waited for your letters, and I never got even one letter. You even wrote to Mother on occasion and you said you hated her, but never to me, never to your own sister…the girl who used to be your best friend…” Ben looked at his mother, her face was alight with pleasure. She was enjoying it very much.

“I wrote to you every week, Rachel, but you never wrote back to me.”

“Why don’t you just stop lying?! Stop telling me you love me and you care about me! How stupid do you think I am? If you cared about me, you would have contacted me, you would have written to me, instead you just forgot all about me! I worried every day you were at sea. I lay in bed at night praying you were okay. I longed desperately to hear from you but no even one sentence did you write me. How do you excuse that Benjamin?!” Ben looked at his mother, his eyes meeting hers.

“Mother took the letters, Rachel,” Ben said firmly. “She took them and she kept them from you to make you think that I didn’t care about you and to make sure the rift between us was never mended. She knew how we were always able to patch things up, and she didn’t want us to so she kept your letters.” Rachel’s heart stopped as she turned and looked at her mother. Her mother was smiling with a horrible, terrifying grin.

“Is…is that true Mother?” she asked. Elvira nodded.

“Of course it is, I know how much you loved him Rachel and the only way to make you stop loving him was to make you think he didn’t care about you.”

“Why Mother?” Rachel said, tears running down her cheeks. “Why didn’t you want me to love him?”

“Because he was so different from me. He loved so strongly and so compassionately that I knew you could not love him and me as well. You always loved him more than you loved me, Rachel. Just like your father did.”

“It’s not a competition Mother,” Ben said. “You don’t understand love or you would know that love can be shared equally.”

“I don’t care to understand love, Benjamin, love is a weakness. I have no room in my life for it.”

“Clearly,” Rachel said. “Mother, were you responsible for what happened to Miss Pinky also?”

“Of course I was, do you think your brother has a mean bone in his body? You foolish woman, that boy adored you, do you think for one minute he would have done that to you? He protected you from the time you were born; do you really think he would have hurt you like that?” Ben looked at his sister, relief flooding his soul, at last, here was the truth.

“Oh Ben…” Rachel said looking at her brother. How could he ever forgive her? She wanted to go to him but her mother tightened her grip on her neck and pressed the gun into her head.

“I just want to know why, Mother,” Ben said.

“Why? Because I hated you, you defied me at every turn. You were so charming and kind. Your Pa thought the world of you, and your siblings worshiped the ground you walked on. They thought you were the best thing since the Messiah. But I saw you for how you really were. You were really just like me, you just pretended that you weren’t. I knew that if I kept at you, your true colors would come out and everyone would know you were like me and that you were a fraud.”

“I didn’t pretend, I had to make a conscious effort every day of my life to not be like you Mother.” Elvira felt her son’s insult. Normally she didn’t care what he said to her, but that had hurt and she didn’t know why.

“I prayed every night until I fell asleep while I nursed the bruises you left on my body, that I wouldn’t be like you. I told God over and over again, that I would rather die, than be like you! When I held my son in my arms for the first time, I told God to take my life before…” Ben’s voice cracked slightly but he swallowed and pushed on. “Before I ever made him feel like you made us feel. I repeated that prayer with each of my sons, lest I forget how the darkness dogs me. I worry every time I lose my temper with them that maybe I went too far, and maybe I made them hurt like you did to me…fake, Mother, no I’m not fake. I just choose every moment of my life to be better than you.”

“You’ve always thought yourself better than me. That’s why you refused to do as I told you. You refused to switch hands, that’s where it started. That’s when I knew what kind of boy you were. You always did what you Pa told you, but when I told you do to something as simple as never writing with your left hand again, you defied me for years.” Rachel looked at her brother, his eyes were distant and sad. She knew it was not his wish to defy her and she knew that the request she made of him was not fair.

“It was not my wish to defy you,” Ben said. “What you asked of me was too hard for me to do.”

“To hard for Benjamin Cartwright? Why, you acted as if there wasn’t a thing in the world that was too hard for you and now you expect me to believe that controlling your own body was too hard for you? Really, son, you should come up with a better reason than that. Admit you were just stubborn.” Rachel was angry at the memories of how hard her mother had been on him. As he lay next to her in the bed they shared as children, night after night she heard him pray that God would make his hands work right. She heard him crying as he asked God why he was different and why his hands didn’t work the way Leah and Rachel’s did. Why had God made him different if it was so wrong?

“It wasn’t that I was stubborn, it was just so hard,” Ben said.

“And so terribly pointless,” Rachel added, realizing she was coming to her brother’s defense for the first time in a very long time. It surprised even her. Ben looked at her in shock. She thought she saw a slight smile come to his eyes, if his smile was genuine, it came to his eyes first. But he didn’t complete the smile, there was still a gun at her head and their mother was terribly unpredictable.

“Just put the gun down, we can discuss this all you want,” Ben said, remembering their situation. Rachel could feel her mother’s anger, she rarely stood up to her and the fact that she had, had undoubtedly made her mother upset.

“Defending him are you Rachel?” her mother hissed in her ear.

“You’re a cruel woman,” Rachel said. Elvira didn’t flinch as she hit her daughter over the head with the butt end of the gun, sending her collapsing to the ground. Ben started towards his sister but his mother pointed the gun at him again. She cocked the gun and aimed it as his chest.

“Finally I’ll be rid of you,” she said as she pulled the trigger, but just as she did, Rachel kicked her in the shin, Elvira didn’t drop the gun but she missed and her son ducked out of the way.

Ben hardly had time to process the fact that Rachel had kicked their mother to stop her from shooting him because he was dodging more bullets as she continued to shoot at him. Each bullet got closer to hitting him than the last. Ben jumped and dodged as his mother took aim at his feet. How many bullets did she have? he wondered as he lost his footing, and rolled on the ground, the bullets hissed over him as she threw down the empty pistol and pulled another out of her purse. She took another shot and he rolled again, but this time, he was too close to the edge of the canyon. He was going so fast that he couldn’t stop himself from going over the side. He grabbed at the ropes hanging over the edge of the canyon as he fell downwards, grabbing at whatever he could find to slow his progression. Somehow he managed to wrap the rope around his left wrist even as the rope slipped through his burning palm. He grabbed at the rock face with is fingers trying to stop his rapid decent all the while twisting the rope as hard as he could around his left wrist.

His efforts to secure the rope to his wrist worked so well that when he came to the end of it, the rope jerked so hard on his arm that he heard his shoulder pop from its socket as he stopped abruptly. He gasped as the entirety of his body weight pulled down hard on his dislocated shoulder. He saw black as he reached up with his right arm and grabbed a hold of the rope, easing some of the pressure off his painful shoulder.

“Ahhh…” he said as he braced his feet against the side of the canyon and looked down. The distance to the bottom was staggering and he felt dizzy.

“Get ahold of yourself Cartwright, what do you always tell Little Joe? Heights are nothing to be scared of…that’s terrible advice. Don’t look down is more like it,” he told himself, trying to calm his spinning mind. He closed his eyes and rested his forehead against the rocks. He took his breath in and out through his teeth as he held on to the rope as tightly as he could. The dizziness soon cleared but his shoulder ached beyond belief. There was no way to get a good footing and no way he could climb up the side of the rocks, especially with his shoulder dislocated. He looked up, the top was at least or twenty or thirty feet up. He looked down at this feet, there was a small crack near his feet where he managed to wedge his toes somewhat, easing the throbbing of his shoulder, but unless someone from above pulled him up, he would be stuck.

“Rachel!” he called, hoping his sister had softened enough towards him that she would at least be willing to save his life.

“Rachel,” he called again as his toes slipped from the crack and his body dragged hard on his dislocated shoulder. He held as tightly to the rope as he could with his left hand, but it was getting numb and tingling. His right hand had lost its grip when he slipped and all his weight was on his dislocated left shoulder. He could feel it pulling on the muscles of his arm, elbow, shoulder and side.

“Ahh…” he gasped again as he clenched his teeth and reached up for the rope with his right arm. The way he was hanging made it difficult to reach but he managed to and held himself up again. His vision went black and his entire left side ached terribly. He exhaled carefully to try to take control of the pain he was in and figure out what to do. He could possibly try to climb up, but even with both arms in working order, it would be a risky and dangerous task.

His mother wouldn’t help him, he knew that much and he didn’t how badly Rachel was hurt or if his mother had killed her. He would have to wait for Leah and the boys, but one more slip, and the wait could prove agonizing.

“Rach, help me!” he called again, a little more desperately as he looked up to the top. He felt a little hope when a shadow appeared at the top, but it the hope soon vanished when he saw it was his mother.

“How in the hell did you manage to survive?” she demanded. Ben squinted up at his mother, the sun was blocking her face from view. He was completely at her mercy.

“I don’t suppose you’re going to help me up, Mother!” he shouted up at her.

“Now why would I do that?” she taunted.

“Why indeed,” Ben said into the side of the mountain. “Of course you won’t, you horrible witch.”

“How’s that?” she called down.

“Just go away or help me up, damn it!” he shouted.

“What makes you think I’m going to help you up? I’m going to kill you,” she said as she took another shot at him. Ben huddled near the side of the cliff, feeling the bullets whizzing past him. He felt one graze back, leaving a painful, burning path along his skin. He squirmed closer to the side as another bullet hurdled towards him.

“Stop!” he heard a woman’s voice call from the top. “Get away from the side of the cliff now!” Ben couldn’t hear all that was said but he thought it was Rachel. She was at least stopping their mother from shooting him. He tried to get his footing again, hoping to hear what was being said but slipped again, hanging painfully from his shoulder. The pain forced the air from his lungs and blacked his vision. He was having a hard time staying conscious and the harder he tried, the more he was aware of the pain in his arm. He clenched his teeth and held his breath as he grabbed the rope and tried to hold himself up again. It was getting harder to do as the pain was much more distracting than before and he was starting to panic. He didn’t know if he could take hanging from his arm again, and his right arm was starting to tremble under the strain of holding himself up and he couldn’t manage to get his foothold again.

“Rachel…help me!” he called up as he heard a shot from the top of the cliff. He heard a scream and prayed it wasn’t his sister. Then a body fell from the top of the cliff, flying past him as hit nearly missed hitting him. He looked to make sure it wasn’t Rachel, but squeezed his eyes shut, refusing to watch his mother’s body hit the ground.

“Good riddance,” he said as he opened his eyes and looked up.

“Rachel please help me!” he called up again. He was dizzy with pain and he felt faint. He didn’t realize he did faint until he found himself handing from his shoulder again, the pain was agonizing and he couldn’t catch his breath.

“Ben! Oh thank God!” Rachel called as she leaned over the side. He looked up at his sister, his eyes fluttering as he blacked out again.

“Ben, listen to me, I’m going to pull you up, I’ve tied the rope to Buck but you have to hold on with you other hand or it’s going to be terribly painful,” she called. Ben nodded but didn’t make a move to do anything. He was fighting to stay conscious.

“Are you listening?!” she demanded. Her brother nodded but she knew he wasn’t. Rachel ran from the side of the cliff and snatched the canteen off of Buck’s saddle and ran back to the edge.

“Damn it Ben, wake up and listen to me!” she shouted as she poured the water on him. The water surprised him enough to get his attention. “That’s it Ben, listen to me, can you hold yourself up with your right hand?” she asked. Her brother nodded but didn’t speak, he pushed up with his feet and held onto the rope with his right hand.  “Try to keep your feet out in front of you.” Ben nodded again, resting his head against the rope as he tried to breathe through the pain. He was dizzy and nearly fainted again. Rachel’s face disappeared from the top of the cliff and Ben forced his mind to focus. He couldn’t pass out again.

“Ben, are you ready?” Rachel called looking down at him again.

“Yes hurry up Rachel!” he called.

“Ben look at me,” Rachel called. Her twin rolled his eyes up towards her and forced his head to turn up to look at her. He was breathing hard and praying for relief. “I love you,” she called down. Her words revived him more than the water could have and he didn’t feel as faint anymore. He smiled as he held himself up as the rope began to pull him towards the top.

“I love you so much,” he thought as he blacked out again.

When he came too, he was just coming over the top of the cliff and soon felt himself dragging along the ground. He came to a stop and tried to open his eyes to find out where he was but his arm hurt badly and he didn’t make much of an effort to regain consciousness.

He watched through clouded eyes as Rachel cut the rope from his wrist and turned him onto his back. He reluctantly let himself regain consciousness.

“You alright?” she asked as she looked down at him.

“No, Rachel my arm really hurts,” Ben said through clenched teeth.

“It will hurt less if I pop it back in place, do you want me to try?” Ben was breathing hard; he didn’t want her or anyone else to touch him. He knew it would hurt less when his shoulder was back in place, but he wasn’t looking forward to the process of getting it there.

“Do you know how?” Ben asked painfully, without bothering to open his eyes to look at her.

“Theoretically, I’ve read up on it. I take a group of girls out in the woods to teach them survival skills every month, so I know how it should be done, though I’ve never actually done it. It’s a long way to town with that shoulder out of place, the ride will be terrible.”

“I know, give it a shot,” Ben said dreading what was coming. Rachel exhaled. She wasn’t sure it was going to work and she didn’t want to hurt him worse, but if it worked, it would ease the pain significantly.

“Did you want something to bite on?” she asked as she sat down beside him.

“No, just do it,” Ben said.

“Alright, here goes,” she said as she pushed her foot into his left armpit and pulled on his arm. Her brother’s body tensed.

“Try to relax Ben, it will make it easier.” Ben nodded and took deep breaths. He thought about changing his mind but he knew it had to be done. Then he heard a pop and his shoulder was back where it belonged. He exhaled sharply as Rachel gently bent his arm and laid it on his chest.

“Hold it there,” she said as he sat up, still feeling a bit dizzy. She untied the handkerchief from around his neck and gently placed it around his arm and tied it over his shoulder. “There, that should help some until we can get you to a doctor.” Ben nodded, the pain had lessened significantly but it still hurt terribly. “Are you alright to stand?” she asked. He nodded and she steadied him as he got to his feet. The air was heavy between them, the silence was awkward, both of them wanting to speak but neither one knowing how to start.

When they got back to the shade and Rachel untied the rope from Buck, her brother was seated against a tree, he still didn’t feel completely well enough to be standing. She knelt beside him, staring at him in silence.

“I’m sorry Ben,” she said tentatively. She half expected him to lash out at her, he had every right to hate her. She was surprised when he put his hand on her cheek and pressed his head against hers. “Can you ever forgive me?” she asked as the tears began.

“My sweet Rachel, I forgave you years ago,” he whispered.

“I should have trusted you,” Rachel said as she sobbed into his uninjured shoulder. “Mother hurt everyone in her path and you just tried to pick up the pieces, how could she have made me turn on you?” Ben sighed and held his sister, feeling a weight lifting off his heart that had been hanging on it for years.

“How could that horrible witch keep your letters?! How could she put Miss Pinky in the trash bin?! Why did she want to tear us apart?” Rachel cried angrily as her brother held her tightly and kissed the back of her head.

“I don’t know Rachel,” he whispered. He hated it when she cried but he knew it was years in the making. She sat up and looked at him. He smiled and wiped her tears with his thumb. “Did you mean what you said before you pulled me up?” Ben asked tentatively. She had told him for so long that she hated him; he didn’t know if he’d heard her right.

“You mean the part when I said I love you,” her brother nodded silently, he could not keep the anticipation out of his eyes.

“Yes, Ben, I meant it,” she said as she caressed his cheek and looked into his eyes. She thought his eyes would remind her of their mother, but they didn’t, his eyes were so much softer and full of love. It was his turn to tear up and he blinked quickly to keep the tears from escaping. “I never really stopped loving you. I just said I didn’t because it was easier than facing the hurt.”

“I never wanted you to get hurt Rachel…” he whispered. “I’m so sorry you thought I was the cause of it. I always loved you, always.”

“I know you did,” she said looking towards the woods as Leah, Hoss and Joe came riding into the clearing. Rachel wiped Ben’s tears.

“Can’t have your boys see those,” she said quickly. Ben chuckled and quickly dried his eyes as Rachel helped him get up.

“What happened to your arm? Did you hurt our pa?” Joe shouted at Rachel as he jumped from his horse and ran at her.

“Wait Joe,” Ben said, stepping between them as he put his arm up to stop his son. “She didn’t hurt me, she saved my life.” Joe still looked angry but his father was holding him back. Rachel didn’t look at her nephew, it hurt that he assumed she had hurt Ben, but then, she hadn’t gone out of her way to make her family believe otherwise.

“Where’s Mother?” Leah asked, seeing the dead body of Charles Dubois off to the side.

“She’s gone over the cliff,” Rachel said as Ben reached out to his twin. She smiled as she reached her hand out to his and took it. He pulled her close, his face beaming. “She was trying to kill Ben.” Leah was perplexed about the sudden change in her sister but was delighted to see the smile on her brother and sister’s face. Ben briefly told them what happened and Rachel explained at she had shot their mother with Ben’s gun when she refused to drop the gun. She managed to get up from the ground after her mother had hit her, she saw her mother shooting over the side. She picked up Ben’s gun and shouted at her mother to stop. When she refused, she shot her. Rachel had not intended to kill her mother but the force of the gun shot had sent her over the edge.

“Well good riddance,” Leah said. Joe and Hoss nodded their agreement; they hadn’t liked the part about their father hanging precariously over the side, but were grateful to their aunt for saving him. Joe was so angry that if his grandmother wasn’t already dead, he might just have finished her off himself.

“Let’s get back to town and have that arm looked at Ben and send the undertaker for the body of our unfortunate stepfather,” Leah said, feeling a lightness in her heart that she hadn’t felt in a long while either. Ben and Rachel walked behind their family, holding hands like they had when they were small children. They let go of each other when they got to the horses. Rachel turned towards her bother and he hugged her tightly. He caressed her hair and smiled, then he turned and climbed onto Buck. Hoss and Joe looked at each other, it had been years since they had seen their father so happy.

Part 8

Ben’s shoulder required surgery to repair the torn muscles and ligaments, and his sisters decided to stay on to assist while his shoulder healed. The recovery was painful and slow going, but he was soon on the mend and on his way to a full recovery. He was excited about the fact that his injury had prolonged his sisters’ stay long enough that he and Rachel would get to celebrate their birthday together. Despite the fact that he was happy they would be there, he had no idea what to get Rachel. Their relationship was on the mend but he still didn’t know what to get her. It had been too long to know what she really wanted. Whatever he got her it had to be something special.

So as he had done for the past two weeks, he leaned on the counter in the mercantile, thumbing through the catalogs, looking for the perfect gift. He didn’t know what he wanted but he would know it when he saw it.

“Let me see that other one there,” Ben said handing the third catalog back to the shopkeeper. The man obliged but was growing frustrated.

“Maybe if you told me what you were looking for, I could help you find it,” he said.

“I’ll know it when I see it,” Ben said for the tenth time. The shopkeeper didn’t say anything because Ben was one of his best customers, but he was getting annoyed with his sudden interest in all his catalogs. The shopkeeper looked at Adam for help.

“Ready Pa? We’ve got the wagon all loaded,” he said as Ben thumbed through the catalog quickly. He stopped on a page and stared. He looked closely as his face broke into a wide grin.

“That, Jim, order me that,” Ben announced as he pointed at it. The shopkeeper took the catalog and looked at what was under his finger.

“You sure you want that?” he asked looking up at his customer’s very big smile. He’d never seen the elder Cartwright’s eyes dance like they were.

“Yes I’m sure I want that, get the fastest shipping possible and let me know the minute it comes in.” Jim took the catalog and looked at the item that was the last thing he would have thought Ben Cartwright would ever order. He watched as he walked out the door then motioned Adam over.

“Adam, look what your pa just ordered, are you sure that fall over the side didn’t injure his head in some way?” Adam looked at the item as Hoss and Joe did too. Adam’s brows raised in question as his brother’s looked on in confusion as well.

“You sure that’s what he wanted?”

“Yes I’m sure.” Adam looked at his father, he was whistling as he walked out of the store.

“Pa don’t whistle,” Hoss said quickly.

“No he always tells me to quit whistling,” Joe added, looking at his brothers, he was beginning to wonder if his father had injured his head.

“Should I order it Adam?”

“Of course. My pa ain’t out of his mind. If that’s what he said to order, then order it.”

“Alright,” the shopkeeper said. Adam did wonder what his pa wanted it for and so did his brothers, but when he called for them to hurry up, they had no time to puzzle over it further.

Two weeks later Ben and Rachel celebrated their birthday together. Ben had thought of throwing a grand Ponderosa party with dancing, but Rachel had said she just wanted a quiet celebration with just the family. Ben didn’t mind, his shoulder was still recovering and he would rather have spent time with Rachel anyway. So after dinner and cake, they retired to the sitting room to exchange gifts.

Ben got tobacco, a nice bottle of brandy, a jacket from his sons, and nice leather bound book from Leah. He had no idea what Rachel was going to give him but he didn’t care what she gave him, he wanted to give her her gift. He could hardly wait. Still, he was touched more than he thought he would be by the gift Rachel gave him. It was their father’s pocket watch. Rachel always knew her father intended her brother to have it. She had kept it hidden for him from their mother for years but had never had the opportunity to give it to him, especially after they lost contact.

“Mother tore the house apart looking for it, but I hid it. I know Pa wanted you to have it,” Rachel said. Ben smiled, his eyes growing a bit moist. He had wondered for years what happened to it but figured his mother had sold it. He couldn’t speak. He just hugged Rachel gratefully. She couldn’t have given him a better gift.

“Now for yours,” the boys announced. They gave their aunt a candle, homemade potpourri, a new shawl and a hat from her sister. She genuinely loved all the gifts but couldn’t help but wonder what Ben was going to give her.

“Here’s mine finally,” Ben said, no longer able to wait. The gift was wrapped in brown paper, it was small and soft. She looked at him quizzically, he was grinning from ear to ear but she had no idea what was inside.

“What is it?”

“Well, if you open it you’ll find out,” Ben said as he pulled the string. Rachel playfully hit his hand away from her present and opened it herself.

“Oh…Ben…” she said as the paper fell away from the brand new Miss Pinky. The doll was exactly like the one that their father had given her many years ago. The doll had the same bright pink bow, the diaper around the monkey’s middle, and the pursed lips on the monkey’s rather hideous face. Rachel felt tears come to her eyes and she had to cover her mouth as she looked up at her brother. His face was beaming with joy. How could she ever think he had hurt her on purpose?

“That’s what it was for,” Hoss announced as he looked at his brothers. Ben looked at his boys quizzically.

“Younger brothers were convinced you lost your mind ordering that doll, Pa,” Adam said.

“Not just us, Adam, you thought he’d gone crazy too,” Joe defended.

“Well boys it’s nice to know my mental state is such a concern to you, so much so that you didn’t even ask me what it was for,” Ben joked. Ben looked from his sons, back to his sister. She was blinking back tears but they came anyway. She stood up quickly and embraced her brother tightly. He hugged her back and kissed her cheek.

“It’s the best gift ever,” she whispered into his neck.

“I promised you I’d replace it Rach,” he said. “Almost forty years later, but I finally did.”

“I love you so much. I’ve missed you so,” she said as she hugged him as tight as she could.

“My dearest Rachel,” he said as he held her tightly. “It’s like part of my heart had come back to me. I love you so very much.” Rachel leaned back in her brother’s arms as she looked at the brand new doll.

“That doll is still so ugly,” Ben joked. She laughed and smiled down at the doll.

“You know, it kinda is, but I love it.” She hugged the doll to her chest and beamed up at him. She caressed his cheek and broke away from the embrace. She couldn’t remember when she’d ever been happier.

Later that night, after the boys and Leah were in bed, Rachel stood out on the porch, still holding the new Miss Pinky and thinking about all they had been through. Their childhood had been more than traumatic but somehow, they had come through it and were fine, loving adults. She wondered, not for the first time, what her mother’s motivation had been, she knew jealousy had a large part to play in it, but it seemed that there was more to it than that. She would probably never understand her and in a way, that was good because if she did, she would be just like her.

“Are you doing okay Rachel?” Ben asked as he came out on to the porch, startling his sister. Rachel turned and smiled at him.

“Yes, I am, just needed to clear my head. A lot has happened recently.”

“Yes, a lot has,” Ben said. Rachel rubbed her left shoulder, she could feel the stiffness in her shoulder that meant her brother’s was hurting.

“Your shoulder’s sore isn’t it?” Ben rubbed his shoulder, their connection had been there all their lives but they had been apart so long, that it still surprised him.

“I think I slept on it wrong,” he said.

“You’re not supposed to sleep on it at all,” Rachel said.

“Well that’s easier to remember when I’m actually not asleep,” he said smiling. Rachel smiled back and looked out at the yard.

“Ben, why did you take the blame for Papa’s death?” she asked, keeping her back to him. Her brother stayed quiet for a minute so she turned and looked into his eyes. “I know you didn’t kill Pa, it was me and you said it was you, why?”

“Because I knew you couldn’t bear it,” Ben whispered. “And I knew that Mother already hated me and I knew that if she thought you did it, she would hate you and you wanted her approval. Besides I knew she’d beat you for it…” Rachel blinked her eyes quickly and looked away.

“She beat you instead,” Rachel said regretfully. Her brother had taken a lot of beatings for her and the other siblings. “She nearly killed you Ben, I think she would have if it hadn’t been for the sheriff and preacher pulling her off you. I thought she was going to choke you to death…” Ben looked up at his sister, he really didn’t want to relive that night. It had been bad enough to have lost his father that night, but his mother’s reaction towards him had been worse than ever.

“It wasn’t fair for you to take the blame, it wasn’t your fault, it was mine. I was the one that tripped and hit my head and dropped the gun…part of me knew when I woke up that it had been me that shot Pa and not you, but you were so insistent that it was you.”

“I wanted it that way Rachel.” Rachel blinked back the tears. It had been the worst night of her life. Even that night, she had suspected she had been the one responsible for the accident, although her memory was not quite there, but Ben was so insistent that it was him that she soon came to believe that he had dropped the gun when she tripped. When they got home and told their mother of the news, she attacked him upon hearing the news, and it had been a horrible scene, Elvira was wild with rage and so strong that even her twelve year old brother was no match for her mother. She had nearly killed Ben before Leah had gotten back with the sheriff and the preacher.

“I thought she was going to kill you that night,” Rachel said, turning to look at her brother as tears rolled down her cheeks.

“I thought she was too, but she didn’t and here we are, alive, well and thriving. She couldn’t tear us apart, Rachel. No matter how hard she tried, our love was stronger than her hate.” Rachel wiped her eyes.

“I never should have left you, Leah and the boys. I should have stayed with you.”

“I don’t blame you, you wanted our mother’s love and approval. A child can’t be faulted for that.” Ben embraced his crying twin and held her tightly. Their childhood seemed like a lifetime ago. There were times when Ben was able to convince himself that he had not experienced what he had because he was so far removed from it and so different from the person he had been then. Sometimes the memories of his childhood felt like they weren’t real but he knew they were. Rachel broke away from the embrace and smiled up at her brother.

“We won in the end Ben. Mother couldn’t tear us apart and she couldn’t make us not love each other. Despite her best efforts, we turned out just fine.”

“Yes, we did,” Ben said looking out into the night. “We owe most of that to Leah I think, she was more of a mother to us than Elvira ever was.”

“She was.”

“It’s getting chilly and my shoulder is quite uncomfortable, shall we go back inside?” Ben asked. Rachel nodded as he put his arm around her and they walked back inside. Ben walked with his sister to the stairs and followed her up.

“Good night Ben. I love you,” she said as she paused outside the door of the guestroom.

“Sleep well Rach. I love you,” he said. His sister smiled and disappeared into her bedroom. Ben went into his own room, changed into his night clothes and as he lay in bed, he was finally at peace with his past and he knew, as only a twin could, that Rachel was finally happy.

The End

 

 

[1] Malachi 1: 2-3 “I loved Jacob, ³ but Esau I hated.”

 

 

 

Tags:  Ben Cartwright