Summary:  Two Cartwright lives take a dangerous turn during a trip abroad.  Will they ever be able to go home again? (Part of the Ties That Bind AU series)

Rating: K+  (4372 words)

Ties That Bind series

Ties That Bind
Imperfect Memory
A Pearl Without Price
A Piece of Cake
Something About Amy
Guarding the Henhouse
When Angels Cry
No Ordinary Day
Winter of Discontent
Interval
Gently, Full of Grace

Author’s Note:  This story was originally published several years ago in the Bonanza World Library as the final installment of this series.  Like most of the others, it has since been edited and is to date the last completed entry. If you have followed along you will notice an interval of about six years since the previous story.  The gap represents pending material which may or may not find its way to the page.  I had been holding this story for the sake of the timeline but have decided that’s not enough of a reason to keep it off the shelf. I hope you enjoy it, especially if it turns out to be the last one.

 

Gently, Full of Grace

 

Part One

“Mr. Cartwright, can you hear me?”

A voice penetrated the haze surrounding him, punctuated by a searing pain on his forehead, as though someone had branded it with a hot iron.  Startled by such a rude awakening, Adam instinctively drew back from the young woman leaning over him.  She looked familiar.  He squinted against the stabbing light in an attempt to subdue the pounding behind his eyes.

“That’s a dreadful cut.  How do you feel?”

Her accent was unmistakably English.  Celia—that was her name, he recalled.  “What happened?”

“You were in a carriage accident.  Don’t you remember?”

Bits and pieces of chaos and terror converged into memory.  He had been driving the phaeton when something spooked the bay.  It happened so quickly, and the jolt that stripped the reins from his hands propelled him through the air. He heard a scream before he pitched into blackness.

A clawing fear seized him.  “Where is my sister?  Is she all right?”

“The doctor and Uncle Teddy are with her now.”  Celia pressed a fresh cloth to his wound, causing him to flinch once more.  “I’m so sorry; I know this must hurt terribly.”

His head throbbed in tandem with his racing heartbeat as he repeated the question. “Is Jilly all right?”

Celia averted her gaze as she answered.  “We should know something soon.  But you must lie still.”

He ignored her admonition and sat up, even though his body protested with a wave of nausea.  “I’ve got to see her.”

A pair of determined hands caught his shoulders. “Mr. Cartwright, you’re in no condition…,” she scolded, but she softened when their eyes met.  “Adam, please. Not now.  I promise I’ll take you to her later.”  She eased him back against the pillow.

That small effort cost him more than he bargained as his stomach rebelled, spewing bile into the back of his throat.  Fortunately, Celia was ready with the basin.  Physically spent and breathless afterwards, he lay still with his eyes closed in hopes of calming the spin of the bed and the hammer of blood through his brain, while she performed her ministrations in silence.

She left the room briefly, returning with a cup.  “Here, this should ease you enough to rest a bit.”

“What is it?”  He knew it was more than just tea.

“Don’t worry, it’s not that strong.”  She frowned at his further reluctance.  “You’re no help to your sister if you can’t get even get out of bed.  A spot of this and a nap will do you good. I promise to wake you if you’re needed.”

He accepted the cup as she held it to his lips.  It was bitter and sweet at the same time.

This time when he closed his eyes, he saw the faces of his father and brothers back home.

They would all be together now if fate hadn’t intervened in the person of Theodore Grayson, whom he and Jilly met at a party in Boston.  A cultured, quiet-spoken man in his forties, Teddy, as he was known to his friends, shared Adam’s interest in architecture and literature, and the two hit it off immediately.  But it was Jilly who enamored him, as anyone could see.  It was no surprise to Adam, for at twenty she was very much her mother’s daughter. Teddy’s invitation to his English estate put Adam in a rather awkward position.  He and Jilly had already made plans to return to Nevada after nearly a two-year absence, and he knew his family would be sorely disappointed if they didn’t.   But it was a wonderful opportunity, one that might not come again.  Even though Jilly downplayed her own wishes, Adam knew how much she wanted to go, and he could not deny her.

His sister’s delight in this foreign venue amused him.  Publicly she was poised and serene, but privately she was sometimes as giddy as a kid on Christmas morning, a slightly calmer though no less enthusiastic version of their brother Joe.  Watching her with their charming host, Adam had to admit they made a handsome couple, but he was unprepared when Teddy asked his permission to court her. In the absence of her father it seemed the proper thing to do, he’d said.  There was no mistaking the intent.  Jilly was certainly old enough to marry, but Adam doubted she shared Teddy’s feelings. They could be headed for a situation that might make their stay uncomfortable or even impossible. Maybe it was time to think about going home….

A cool hand on his cheek roused him from sleep. Celia had the clearest blue eyes he had ever seen, like a cloudless winter sky. It was the first thing he noticed about her the day they met.

“How are you feeling?”

“Better, I think.  I suppose I’ll know more when I sit up.”  He groaned with the effort. The pulsing pain in his head had subsided somewhat, though now compounded by a familiar twinge in his back.  “I’m all right,” he insisted. “I want to see my sister now.”

“Let me help you.”

He eased his legs over the side of the bed and steadied himself on Celia’s arm as he stood up.  She led him to a large room at the end of the hall.  Teddy was waiting just outside the door talking to a man Adam assumed was the doctor.  They looked up as he approached.

Teddy’s stricken expression told him everything he never wanted to know, and time stood still long enough for him to watch the world reinvent itself. He knew it would never be the same again.

“Well?”  It wasn’t a question, really.

The doctor cleared his throat.  “I’m very sorry, Mr. Cartwright.  I’ve done all I can. I assure you, she’s in no pain now; I’ve seen to that.”

Though he had steeled himself, the words sliced his heart like a dagger. “You’re sure?”

“I’m afraid so.”

“Does she know?”

“I didn’t tell her, if that’s what you mean.”

“She has been asking for you, Adam.” Teddy’s voice wavered. “You’d best go quickly.”

Jilly looked so small, propped among the pillows of the huge four-poster bed.  Her eyes were closed but she opened them when he kissed her cheek.

“I must have dozed off. I was afraid you wouldn’t be able to come. They told me you were hurt.”

“Nothing could keep me away. I’m fine; you don’t need to worry about me.”

“But I do worry. Who’s going to take care of you now?”

No one had to tell her she was dying.  She knew.

Numb, he sank into the nearest chair. “I should never have brought you here. This is my fault.”

“You’re wrong, Adam. Some things just happen and there is no one to blame. It’s not your fault that you can’t fix everything. It’s just rotten luck, that’s all.”

“It seems that we Cartwrights have had more than our share of rotten luck, if that’s what you want to call it.”  He wanted to rage at the heavens. God, when will it be enough? “I’m sorry; I don’t mean to…it’s just that…”  He dropped his head so she wouldn’t see his tears. “If only I could trade places with you.”

“You would, I know.”  She reached for his hand. “I was dreaming just now. We were all at the lake; Joe was in the water trying to convince us it wasn’t too cold for swimming, and his teeth were chattering the whole time. Then Hoss picked me up and pretended he was going to throw me in, though I knew he wouldn’t.  But you did; and then you jumped in after me. We were all in the water, even Pa, and we were laughing, and it wasn’t cold at all…” her voice trailed off. “I miss them so much, don’t you?”

“Yes.”  At that moment he was heartsick and homesick.

“Would you do something for me?”

“Anything.”

“Promise me you’ll go home, Adam. It’s where you belong. Pa needs you—they all do, and you need them, now more than ever.”

There was so much he wanted to say with so little time in which to say it. “I know what you’re trying to do, mother hen, and I love you all the more for it. God forgive me, I don’t even remember the last time I told you that.”

Her voice was weak and she was fighting sleep. “You tell me all the time, maybe not in those words, but everything you’ve done these past two years has been for me, and if that isn’t love, I don’t know what is. You’ve given me every reason to adore you, even if you are a granite-head sometimes.”

He attempted a smile. “I guess I’ll always be that, won’t I?”

She closed her eyes, and the room was silent except for the ticking of a clock. He watched her chest rise and fall with every breath, and there was nothing he could do but wait. It wasn’t right.  He was the oldest. He should have gone first.

Jilly was hardly more than a baby when he left for college, and when he returned home she was a bashful not-quite-seven-year-old who didn’t remember him.  He had to coax her away from Hoss to get that first hug, and even then she was still tentative.  Give her time, Pa said.  He recalled the day when things began to change between them.

He pretended not to notice her when she came into the barn where he was working. She watched him for a while before she spoke.

 “What are you doing?”

 “I’m braiding a new bridle.”

 She seemed surprised.  “Did they teach you that in college?”

 He smiled.  “No, I learned it from Pa, when I was about your age.”

 “Oh.  That was a long time ago, wasn’t it?”

 “It’s been a few years, yes. Would you like to give it a try?  I can show you how.”

 “Sure.”

 Adam guided her through the steps, impressed with how quickly she caught on.  Her long, nimble fingers were a definite asset.  Unlike Joe, who chattered like a magpie through any task, she worked with quiet intent, paying meticulous heed to his instructions. 

 “Like this?” She held up the braid.

 “That’s good, Jilly; in fact, it’s very good.”

 She smiled. “I guess you’re a good teacher.”

 Hoss interrupted them.  “Hey, Little Bit.  Pa wants you back at the house.”

 “Okay.”  She hopped up and skipped past him out the door.

 “Looks like you two are gettin’ along.”

 “Yeah, she wanted me to show her how to braid a bridle.  She’s a quick learner, too.  Look at this.”

 Hoss grinned.  “Maybe not as quick as you think.”

 “What do you mean?”

 “Well, she’s had near a year of practice.”

 “You’re kidding.”

 “Nope.”

 “I wonder why she didn’t tell me…”

 He asked her about it later. 

 “Are you mad?” She looked worried.

 “Do I look mad?” He leaned down and tweaked her nose. 

 “I just wanted to know you, that’s all. I thought it might help me remember.”

 He sat down next to her.  “Jilly, I didn’t expect you to remember me; you were too young when I left.  But that’s all right, because I remember enough for both of us.  I remember the day you were born; the day you got your first tooth; the day you took your first step.  I even remember the first time you smiled at me. And now when I look at you, I still remember that rosy-cheeked, brown-eyed girl with the laughing face who used to giggle whenever I did this.” He tickled her as he pulled her onto his lap, and she reacted just as he predicted.  “See, there she is. I knew I’d find her again.”

 They smiled at each other, and then she settled against his chest with his arms around her. “I’m glad you’re home.”

 “So am I.”  

 A whimper brought him back to the present. “Joe, is that you?”

“No, honey, it’s me, Adam.”

Her dark eyes registered fear and confusion. “I thought you’d gone.  You will stay, won’t you?  Please don’t leave me.”

He was holding her hand. “Darling girl, I’m right here. I’m not going anywhere, I promise.”

She took a breath and seemed to relax a little. “Tell me again about the time Annie came to Washoe.”

“What?”

“Please, Adam…I just…need to hear your voice.”

“All right.”

He leaned closer and began to tell the story, even though she’d heard it enough times to tell it herself, of how Annie O’Toole showed up at the Diggings with her father, Kevin “Himself” laid out in the back of her wagon next to her trusty cook stove. Adam recounted how he became Annie’s reluctant partner in the Square Meal restaurant, and all the confusion between Swede Lundberg’s claim #2 and the one belonging to “Trapdoor” Gregory Spain, and how Pa presided over the miner’s court. By the time he got to the part where Annie and Swede got hitched to live happily ever after, her eyes were closed, and she was still.

He kissed her palm, and the knot in his chest nearly suffocated him as the finality of those last moments sank in.

“Jilly, how can I go home without you?”

 Her lashes fluttered like a fading butterfly against her pale cheeks. “I’ll be there,” she whispered.

A few minutes later he stepped back into the hallway, pausing to put his hand on Teddy’s shoulder.   Celia’s blue eyes were rimmed in red, and she and Adam both watched him withdraw to Jilly’s room and close the door behind him.

“He loved her too,” she said. ”My heart breaks for both of you.”

Adam murmured his appreciation for her sympathy.  Thoughts of hearts yet to be broken weighed heavily on him, those who were blissfully ignorant of what had taken place that day a half a world away from the Ponderosa.  Four lives forever altered by another one undone.

In a few days he would be going home—alone, with a grief too vast for words, too deep even for tears.

 

Part Two

The scenery bounced along outside the window of the clattering coach bearing its lone passenger toward his final destination.  Not much had changed in the three years he’d been away, at least nothing the eye could readily discern.  But Adam knew better.

On this last leg of a long and difficult journey, the scent of pine brought a lump to his throat.  It was just a few short miles to where his father and brothers were waiting to greet him.  But this would not be the happy homecoming he had envisioned a few months ago.

He pressed his back against the seat and closed his eyes, soul-weary and haunted by memories.  It’s not your fault.  Don’t blame yourself, she’d said.  Sometimes he succeeded, though it didn’t lessen the pain.

He struggled trying to soften the blow in the letter to his family, but there is no kind way to tell your father that his only daughter is dead. The truth was cruel and senseless. It shouldn’t have happened.  If only they hadn’t gone out that day…if only he could have held the reins…if only….

It was anguish, not being able to bring her home.  She belonged next to her mother, beneath the whispering trees overlooking the lake they both loved, and having to leave her behind only compounded his despair. Teddy was more than sympathetic, and together they buried her in his favorite garden, under an arbor of roses and the eternally watchful eye of Saint Francis.  Before he sailed, Adam settled on the inscription for her headstone, the words that he’d written to his father. “She died as she lived, gently, full of grace.”

He didn’t mind solitude, in fact he preferred it sometimes, but he’d never felt more alone in his life as when he left England.  He knew he was going home to a different world. The voyage was tedious, and he was ill much of the time. In some ways it seemed almost a blessing because it gave him an excuse not to be sociable, sparing him the burden of polite conversation.  Though often fitful, sleep was his only comfort, and Jilly lived in his dreams.  She always seemed to be there whenever he closed his eyes. When he was feverish she cooled him and when he was chilled she warmed him, always with her soothing voice in his ear.

It’s all right, Adam. Everything’s going to be all right.  

The stagecoach finally rolled to a stop on the dusty main street of Virginia City.  He didn’t see his family at first, but when he retrieved his bags from the driver and turned around, they were there.  Pa grabbed him and squeezed him so hard he thought he would lose his breath.

“Are you well, son?”  Pa’s brow was creased with worry.  He looked older than Adam remembered.  “I know it must have been a very difficult journey.”

“I’m all right, Pa. Just bone tired.” He scanned his brother’s pained faces and managed a grin.  “It’s good to see you fellas.”  He couldn’t think of anything else to say.

Hoss cupped a big hand on his shoulder and half-smiled.  “It’s good to see you too, brother. You look like you missed a few meals while you were gone.”

He supposed he was a sorry sight, judging from the way his clothes hung on him.  “I was sick on the ship.  I guess I haven’t had much of an appetite lately.”

Joe hadn’t said anything to him yet.  They’d had a few words before he and Jilly left for Boston, not all of them pleasant, something to the effect of older brother always thinking he knew what was best for everybody. Adam remained firm in his assertion that it was for her welfare, while Joe accused him of being arrogant and using her as an excuse to leave. They resolved their differences in the end as they always managed to do, but Adam had failed in his promise to take care of Jilly. Could Joe forgive him, or would he lose his youngest brother too?

“Joe…”

He got no further before being stifled by a fierce embrace.

“Welcome home, Adam.”

It was as if something broke loose inside him then.  He nearly choked on the words as he struggled to get them out.  “I’m sorry, Joe.  I’m so sorry.”

His knees gave way just before the light failed.

Voices wafted in and out of the shadows, some familiar and some not.  Pa and Hoss and Joe were there, of course. It no longer surprised him that Jilly was there too.

The world became sound and fog, shimmering like smoke on water.  Back in his own room, in his own bed, he was prodded and poked and had broth spooned into him as though he were an infant.  Without the strength to protest, he was at the mercy of those who seemed intent on coaxing his eyes open when all he wanted to do was sleep forever.

~*~

“Adam.”

He heard his name clearly and opened his eyes.  His father was leaning over him.

“Pa…”

“Right here, son.”

“I’m sorry.”

“What is it you think you should be sorry for?”

“I shouldn’t have…”

Hoss poked his head through the door. “Hey, Pa, I thought I’d…,” he paused and grinned when he saw Adam. “Well, look who finally woke up. Doc said you’d be right as rain after a few days rest. How’re ya feelin’?”

“Not bad.  Where’s Joe?  I need to talk to him.”

“He’s in the kitchen with Jilly.  She’s got him dryin’ dishes, though she’s liable to fire him if he breaks any more.”

“What?”

“We’ve all had to pitch in, with Hop Sing in San Francisco,” Pa explained.  “His sister is ill, but happily she’s improving.  We’re expecting him back next week.”

“And since you’re recuperatin’ yourself, looks like you’re off the hook,” said Hoss.  “Somethin’ wrong, Adam?”

“What is it, son?”

Adam sat up.  “Did you just say Jilly is in the kitchen?”

“Yeah,” said Hoss. “Why?”

“I want to see her, right now.”

“I thought you wanted to talk to Joe.”

“Just get them both up here, will you? And could you hurry, please?”

“Sure.”  Hoss threw a puzzled look at his father before leaving the room.

“Adam, are you all right?”

“I’m not sure.  I might be crazy.”

“Nonsense,” said Pa.  You’re just getting over a fever.”

In a moment his brother’s heavy tread on the stairs was joined by two others, lighter and quicker.

“We heard you were back in the land of the living,” said Joe with a grin. “It’s about time you started pullin’ your weight around here again.”

“Don’t tease him, Joe,” said Jilly, playfully pushing him aside. “It’s good to see you awake.”  She smiled.  “We’ve missed you.”

He stared at his family, the four of them.  Could it be possible?  “I’ve missed you, too,” he said, almost afraid to trust his eyes.  “Do me a favor.  He held out his hand.  “Pinch me.”

“Careful, Adam,” Joe warned him.  “She’s gotten really mean lately.”

Jilly ignored the remark and sat down on the edge of the bed.  “What’s the matter? Aren’t we real enough for you?”  Her lips brushed Adam’s cheek.  “There. That’s better than a pinch, isn’t it?”

He put a hand up to touch her, but she was just out of reach. “Jilly…” 

Her name floated from his lips as his eyelids struggled against the pale light. The bed had stopped spinning. Not his bed, though.  He remembered this room.  Celia was still there, Celia with the clear blue eyes and the patient hands. Celia who was not Jilly.

She smiled at him.  “It’s a pity you weren’t awake a moment ago. She’s just nodded off,  poor dear.  Uncle Teddy threatened to remove her bodily if she didn’t at least try to get some sleep.”

Adam looked past her to the girl in the chair with a blanket tucked around her. Her hair was a tousled mane loose around her face and there was a ghastly bruise on her cheek, along with a few scratches, but she was breathing. Thank you, God.  He blinked away tears. “She’s all right, then?”

“She’s mostly exhausted and probably won’t feel like dancing for a while, but your sister is a very lucky young woman, according to Dr. Linton.” Celia put a hand on Jilly’s shoulder.

“No, don’t wake her,” he said.

“I made a promise. Besides, I think it will be the best medicine for both of you.”

Celia left them alone a moment later as Jilly sobbed in his arms.

“Oh, Adam, I was so afraid when you didn’t wake up.  I thought I’d lost you.”

“And I thought I’d lost you.” He stroked her hair. “There now, no need to cry.  Are you sure you’re all right?”

She sat up and nodded, wiping her eyes.  “I’m fine, really.  I must look an awful mess, though.”

“Not awful. In fact, I think you’re the most beautiful mess I’ve ever seen.”

“Only you could look at me and think something like that.”

“I can think of at least three others who would agree with me in a heartbeat.”

Another tear slipped down her cheek. “Adam, what are we doing? We don’t belong here. I promised Pa I’d look after you, and as soon as you’re able I’m taking you home.”

A corner of his mouth lifted. “You are, huh?”

There was no need to argue about who would be taking whom.  The important thing was that neither one of them would have to go alone.  Together, by grace, they were going home—home to the lake in the mountains, home to the house in the pines and the loved ones waiting there.

Home where they both belonged.

 

Epilogue

 Mild weather afforded the Cartwrights another opportunity to stroll the manor grounds the day before they sailed.  Teddy’s garden was Jilly’s favorite place, and the three of them stopped there late in the afternoon.

In a secluded corner, a statue of Saint Francis stood near an arbor of roses shading a well-tended grave.

“Our darling Emma,” read Jilly.  “I’ve been meaning to ask about her. Who was she, Teddy?”

“She was a cousin on my father’s side. We grew up together, and I adored her. She died when she was about your age.”

“What a lovely way to be remembered.   She must have been someone very special.”

“She was indeed.”  Teddy paused, his smile wistful.  “I suppose it’s no coincidence that you remind me of her.  Shall we go back to the house?”

Jilly blushed as she accepted his arm.  “Are you coming, Adam?”

“I’ll be right there.”

It was indeed a lovely and tender memorial, one he had never noticed.  He paused long enough to read the inscription once more.

Our darling Emma
She died as she lived
Gently, full of grace

 

The End

 

Bonanza character acknowledgements:  Annie O’Toole, Swede Lundberg, and Gregory Spain appeared in “The Saga of Annie O’Toole” (Season One), written by Thomas Thompson.

 

 

Tags:  Adam Cartwright, Angst, ESA, Family, Grief, Jilly Cartwright, SAS, Sister