Summary: When life after loss seems too hard to deal with, Adam sneaks out for a night ride.
Rating:  PG   Words (8,145)

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The Brandsters have included this story by this author in our project: Preserving Their Legacy. To preserve the legacy of the author, we have decided to give their work a home in the Bonanza Brand Fanfiction Library.  The author will always be the owner of this work of fanfiction, and should they wish us to remove their story, we will.

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WHEN THE SUN GOES DOWN

 

 

Author’s Note:  WHEN THE SUN GOES DOWN takes place a few weeks after the events described in my first story HOME TO STAY, but it stands alone as a story. Hope you enjoy it!

 

The first time he did it, he was eleven, and his father had just brought home the new Mrs Cartwright from his trip to New Orleans. Since then, he managed to sneak out at night more times than he cared to count, so now his feet found easily just the right branches to lean on, his hands recognized the rough texture of the tree sitting comfortably right next to his bedroom window. The smell of resin coated him like a blanket. Careful not to shatter the stillness of the night, he grabbed the lowest branch with his hands and dropped to the ground with a muffled thud. He got up deftly, like some wild creature, senses aroused, ears strained for any sound of movement inside the house – nothing.

As always, the horse sensed his restlessness. Luckily for them both, there was enough moonlight to see the terrain, though not nearly enough, Adam knew, to make this wild race relatively safe. Not that it mattered to him. He believed that one day he would go fast enough to blot everything else out, turn all the things that were preying on his mind into a harmless blur without meaning or substance.

He wasn’t fully conscious of where he was going until a crouched discolored slab rose before him. Its grayish tinge was a compliment of the night since, in fact, it was still very knew, still deathly white. Adam dismounted slowly. The silence here was different from the one back home – it was not something to be broken but rather something to drown in. Down on his knees, he felt the smoothness of the stone with his fingers and was surprised at how cold it felt to his skin. He went on to trace the letters engraved on the surface, one after another. Her name. It surprised him how cold they felt, and how very hollow.

*****

Earlier that day

“Do you have any idea how late it is?” Adam towered above his little brothers, arms crossed, voice clipped with anger. His brother’s expression reminded Hoss of those June storms that could catch you unawares and frighten with their ferocity.

“Sorry, Adam.” Hoss avoided the older boy’s palpable glare by trying to concentrate on his shoes. Eleven years old, he was nearly as tall as Adam, but right now he was feeling very small. “But you see, we —“

“No, I don’t see, Hoss. You were supposed to stay by the house and do your chores, and yet the moment I turn my back on you – you’re gone!”

“We only went to see Mama,” Joe looked up at Adam hopefully, startled by his adored older brother’s outburst.

Adam rubbed the bridge of his nose, his mouth forming a thin line. He ignored Joe and fixed his eyes on the other boy. “Hoss, you know better than to leave the house without permission, and drag Joe with you!”

They became aware of another person’s presence. Alerted by their raised voices, Ben approached his sons and gave his firstborn a calculating look before turning his attention to the other two.

“Boys, am I to understand that you two went to your mother’s grave?”

“Yes, Pa.”

“Next time you want to go there, I expect you to tell someone. We’ve been worrying, not knowing where you are.”

The boys nodded in unison, relieved, knowing from the tone of their father’s voice that there would be no unpleasant consequences of their trip.

“Good, now please go clean up before dinner,” he said, giving each of the boys a soft pat on the head.

“Now wait a minute, Pa,” Adam snapped angrily. Three sets of eyes turned to him. “They were supposed to stay near the house and do their chores. They did neither, and all you do is pat them on heads and say it’s all right?”

His handsome face darkening, Ben glared at Adam. “I suggest you watch your tone with me, son.” There was a warning in his tone, and Adam looked down. “It’s hard time for your brothers; surely you can understand their need to go where they went today.”

“I don’t question their need, only the manner in which they did it! I can’t spend hours doing their chores and worrying about where they are every time they need to— “

“That will be enough, Adam. The boys know not to do that again.”

“Yes, because your lecture surely made an impression on them.”

“Adam!” There was pure anger in Ben’s eyes as he faced his oldest. “I’m surprised at you! For heavens’ sake, your brothers have lost their mother, why can’t you show some understanding?! “

Adam paled, something close to disbelief registering on his face.

“I do understand,” he said quietly.

“You certainly give a different impression.”

“She was a mother to me, too, remember?” this time Adam’s voice was even softer.

“I do remember; the question is, do you?” Not waiting for the answer, Ben turned towards the younger boys, who were watching them with eyes wide with apprehension. “Boys, I told you to get ready for dinner, didn’t I?”

They nodded and made a hasty retreat. Alone with his oldest son, Ben shot him an irritated look.

“I don’t appreciate your questioning my authority in front of your brothers.”

Adam mulishly set his jaw, his expression hardening. “I didn’t mean to question your authority, Pa. I just —“ He broke off, unable or unwilling to explain.

“Let’s get something straight. I won’t tolerate this kind of behaviour from you. If you disagree with my decisions, you may tell me about that and I will hear you out – but make sure you choose the right time and place for it. And don’t you ever use that tone of voice with me again. Is that understood?”

Straightening his back, Adam looked at him squarely. “Whatever you say, Pa.”

Ben thought the boy didn’t sound the least bit contrite, and he would have to be blind not to see the angry flickers in the hazel eyes of his eldest son. He crossed his arms, frustrated. “Adam, what IS the matter with you?”

“There’s nothing the matter with me,” the boy made the words sound like a challenge, or so it seemed to his father.

Ben met his gaze and was taken aback by the raw passion he saw there. For once, he was unsure how to respond to what at any other time he would treat as insolence on his son’s part. If he didn’t know better, he would have believed that Adam was actually seeking confrontation.

The silence that fell between them was heavy with tension. Ben stared at his son’s face and was disheartened at how little it revealed to him. Not that Adam was easy to read at the best of times; still, you could find the way to reach him if you knew where to look, and Ben had seventeen years of practice under his belt. Now, however, he felt completely inadequate to deal with whatever was wrong with the boy. And, thinking back to the last few days, weeks perhaps, Ben knew that this had been going on for quite some time. There were times where he would see this anger he witnessed now shimmer just beneath the surface of Adam’s usual composure. And then there were times when his son would seem miles away, blind and deaf to whatever was happening around him.

A soft “Pa” broke the silence. Ben whirled around to find Hoss watching them from the door with uncertainty written on his tanned, chubby face.

“Hop Sing says dinner’s ready.”

“Thank you, Hoss. Let’s go then.” He shot Adam a telling look that bore a promise of continuation, and headed for the door.

“Ain’t you coming, Adam?” Hoss sounded slightly hesitant, not sure if his brother had blown steam off yet.

”He’s coming,” Ben said, not bothering to look back as he disappeared inside the house.

Ben stood by the window, a steaming cup of after-dinner coffee in his hand, and as he watched, a slow smile brightened his features. His boys, who were supposed to be finishing their evening chores, apparently got tired of being helpful and instead engaged in a game the rules of which Ben couldn’t quite grasp, but he could tell that it involved a lot of running and even more shouting.

“Pass it to me, Joe!” Hoss waved his arms frantically.

Ben chuckled as he saw his youngest son dive under Adam’s legs with a bundle of what looked suspiciously like some old and not exactly clean rag tucked under his arm, sending clouds of dust into the air in the process. Caught by surprise, Adam lost his balance and landed heavily on his behind.

From where he stood, Ben could see Adam clearly. Surprised at first to find himself sprawled on the ground, the boy soon found humour in the situation. He laughed out loud, and it struck Ben that he hadn’t heard him laugh in what seemed like ages. Not since… Ben thought back till the realization hit him — not since Marie died. Adam leaned backwards on his elbows, not bothering to get up, and in a golden haze of late evening Ben could see the look of contentment settle on his son’s handsome face. And then, as suddenly as it came, the smile on his face froze. The joy evaporated as quickly as it appeared. It was as though the sound of his own laughter surprised him and frightened at the same time.

And just like that, Ben realized what he had been missing. He knew how unpredictable it could be; how you felt fine one moment only to be swallowed by despair next. He was well familiar with the swirl of emotions that grief could lure you in; pain and numbness, and sorrow and anger all tangled up.

Five months since his wife’s death. Two since he returned home after trying to numb his grief away from it. Joe was still crying after his mother sometimes, and the nightmares still haunted him some of the nights, but he no longer asked when she’d be back. Somehow, he was beginning to accept the reality of death as no return. And Hoss had finally stopped sneaking into Ben’s room at night to check if he was breathing. The look of fear that someone else he loved might be taken from him was gone from his blue eyes after many a talk he and Ben had on the subject.

Ben watched Adam get up to his feet, his expression once again devoid of emotion.

“Come on, Hoss, those chores won’t finish themselves.”

His brothers voiced their objection at the game coming to such an abrupt end but Adam was already on his way to the barn, their entreaties falling on deaf ears.

Adam did not cry after Marie at night, nor did he talk about her during the day. He was the only one who could comfort Joe when nightmares gripped the child. He took Hoss fishing whenever his brother got that haunted look in his eyes. And he worked more than Ben ever remembered him to, always finding something to keep him busy.

Ben stared at the now empty front yard with unseeing eyes. His son’s words came back to him – “she was a mother to me, too, remember?” And he said he did, only, somehow, this was not exactly true. It was easy to forget it because Adam refused to give in to grief or to even acknowledge it. The trouble was, this didn’t make it any less real.

His mind made up, Ben left his place by the window to find his eldest son. He located Adam by the barn, waging a war on the pile of wood with more force than the task required.

“Adam?”

The boy whirled around. “Yes, Pa?”

“Could you put that away?” Ben pointed at an axe in Adam’s hand. “I’d like to talk to you.”

Frowning, Adam glanced at the pile that was still waiting to be attended to, but he obeyed. He was hoping his father would let him off the hook this time and forget his earlier outburst, especially that he had made sure to be on his best behaviour during the dinner; apparently, it wasn’t to be so. Ben’s next words seemed to seal the boy’s fate.

“I was thinking about what you said earlier, son.” Adam groaned inwardly, but what Ben said next was even more disconcerting. “About Marie being your mother, too, and… well, I thought maybe you and I could visit her grave together, talk some…”

Adam averted his eyes, his posture going rigid. Ben could almost visualise the facade building around his son. He sighed inwardly.

“Pa, I really have to get this done,” he indicated the blocks of wood piled next to them. “Hoss sensed rain coming, and you know him – he’s never been wrong on his scent before.”

“You can finish it tomorrow.”

“I’d rather do it now.”

“Adam.”

“What?!” His tone was harsher that Adam intended, Ben realized it by the way the boy bit at his lip. He gave his father a half-apologetic, half-impatient look. “Pa, I’m sorry, I didn’t mean to snap at you.”

“You seem to be doing a lot of things without meaning to lately, don’t you?”

Adam just shrugged his shoulders and picked up the axe. He cleared his throat meaningfully. “I really should –“

“I know,” Ben couldn’t keep a hint of irritation off his tone as he watched Adam go back to his chopping. “Anyway, if you change your mind, you know where to find me, son.”

Yes, Pa,” Adam said, not bothering to lift his head and look at him. Ben stood there for a while before he turned and walk away. He knew, as well as he knew his son, that Adam would not take him up on that offer.

*****

Even though the night was full of noises, Adam felt as if the world went still around him. Detaching himself from his spot by Marie’s grave, he stood up, unsure of where to go.

He wasn’t ready to head back home yet. The house was fraught with mementos of his stepmother, and tonight he simply didn’t feel strong enough to face them. He chose the route that took him to his favourite spot by the lake. This time, he picked his way carefully – the ground was slippery after the rain – Hoss had been right, again – and the path was tricky.

Suddenly, a flicker of light caught his attention. He stood, uncertain, in the shadows for a few moments and then cautiously moved towards the source of light.

“Don’t move a muscle.”

Adam froze.

“Turn around, slowly.’

He did, only to find himself staring at a silvery gun pointed right at him. Then, his eyes slid to a man holding it.

“Who are you?” he asked gruffly, frowning.

“That’s exactly what I wanted to ask you,” the man motioned him to get off the horse. Reluctantly, Adam obeyed. “What are you doing here?”

“That’s exactly what I’d like to know about you, mister” Adam tried not to see the little black point hovering at the approximate level of his chest so he focused on the face of the man.

“Looks like this conversation is getting us nowhere. You know, kid, I could just shoot you and cut it short.”

Adam said nothing to that; there was no denying such a possibility seeing that he hadn’t bothered to take his gun when sneaking out tonight and the man had one pointed at him at that very moment. Besides, he decided he didn’t really care.

“Jake, what’s goin’ on there?” the croaky voice reached them.

“We’ve got a visitor,” Adam’s companion shouted back. Then, he nudged the boy in the direction of the fire.

Adam took in the group huddled by the fire. There were three other men there, and he would hazard a guess than none of them was too happy to see him.

“Who’s the kid?”

“Funny you should ask, Dave. We’ve reached sort of an impasse on that.” The man called Jake pushed Adam closer to the fire with enough force to make him stumble and almost fall. He gritted his teeth angrily; if there was one thing Adam Cartwright didn’t care for it was to be pushed.

“Ain’t he a tad too young for a bounty hunter?”

That’s what he needed on the night like that, Adam thought irritably, a gang of outlaws to run across. He looked at them coldly. “Name’s Cartwright and you’re trespassing. So if anyone here’s got the right to ask questions—“

“It would be the one holding the gun. Trust me, sonny, trespassing is the least of our problems.” The other men sniggered appreciatively.

“I figured that much. What I can’t figure is what you’re trespassing here for – it’s not like you’d be too difficult for a posse to find, having a midnight party in the middle of the Ponderosa.”

He looked meaningfully at the bottles lying around.

“What makes you think there might be a posse out there?”

“You wouldn’t stand there aiming that thing on me if you weren’t expecting one, would you?”

“What you doing here anyway? And if I were you, I would give a straight answer, kid. I’m a patient man, but I’m not that patient.”

Adam could tell that much from the look on Jake’s face; it was eerily similar to the one his father wore sometimes whenever Adam would start “explaining” some misadventure or other in a way that was designed to keep the listener in the dark as much as humanly possible without actually lying.

“Just fancied a ride.”

Jake glanced at him doubtfully. In the light of the fire Adam could see the man’s eyes; the irises were disconcertingly blue. “A bit late for that, ain’t it?”

Adam shrugged his shoulders. It was as much explanation as he was willing to offer to the trespassers. The men exchanged looks.

“Cartwright, huh? That’s a real pleasure.”

“The pleasure’s all yours,” Adam blurted out before he gave himself a chance to think. That was another thing he needed to work on, or so at least claimed his father. No doubt he would use the opportunity to lecture him on the advantages of thinking before speaking and on showing respect for his elders; then again, perhaps he would drop the second part on account of the said elder’s apparent intention to put a bullet in his first-born son.

He braced himself for whatever was to come.

“You’ve got some spunk, laddie. That should make the night all the more interesting,” Jake flashed a row of white teeth in a wolfish grin.

*****

Ben could hear a soft patter of feet, and looked up to see his middle son in a knee-long nightshirt standing at the base of the stairs.

“Hoss, what are you doing down here? It’s late, you should be asleep.”

Slowly, Hoss approached his father.

“What is it, son?” The irritation in Ben’s voice did not go unnoticed by his young son, yet it didn’t deter the boy.

“Pa, you needn’t worry about Adam.”

Ben harrumphed, his eyes darkening. ”You just wait till I lay my hands on this brother of yours,” he said, more to himself than the boy.

Hoss cringed, not really caring for what he knew would not be a pleasant sight.

“Do you know where he is? Did he tell you anything?”

Hoss shrugged his shoulders. ”No, but he’ll be back soon. He never stays out too long, what with Joe and his nightmares…”

Ben’s angry eyes shot to his boy’s face, his expression thunderous. “Are you telling me that it isn’t the first time Adam leaves the house at night?!”

“Pa, please, don’t be angry with him.”

Ben hit the arm of his chair with his palm, worry fuelling the anger he felt at finding Adam’s bed empty when it should have been occupied with a certain sleeping seventeen-year-old.

“Not be angry?! Hoss, your brother disappears in the dead of night, I find his bed empty, and the horse gone, and you ask me not to be angry with him? On top of that, I find out it isn’t the first time he’s pulled a stunt like that… trust me, he will know the exact extent of my anger the moment he drags his backside back where it belongs!”

Hoss blinked unhappily, appalled at his father’s outburst.

“Did it happen often when I was away?”

“I… I don’t know, Pa. Adam just needs to get away when… when it gets too much for him, I guess.”

Ben gave his boy a careful scrutiny, digesting this last piece of information.

“How do you know that, son?”

Hoss shrugged his shoulders. “He’s my brother.”

Ben just shook his head. Those two… He liked to believe that he knew his sons inside out, but he knew that there was a link between Adam and Hoss that transcended even his own understanding of the boys.

“When it gets too much for him, huh?” He enquired in a much gentler voice.

Ben knew Adam’s tendency to slip out for night rides – he caught him doing this twice when Adam was eleven or twelve, and each time he punished the boy. The second time made quite an impression on his son, and Ben was sure Adam would not repeat the experience. But it had to be done; riding at night bore many hazards and not only for a young boy. There were wild animals and even wilder people around, and Ben was not going to risk finding Adam at the mercy of either. Now it occurred to him that perhaps the impression he made on Adam was not as strong as he thought – more likely, it only made Adam more careful about not getting caught. He frowned angrily at the idea.

“Go back to sleep, son,” he gave Hoss a comforting tap on the hand.

“You coming, too?”

Ben smiled weakly at his boy’s perseverance – Hoss seemed determined to stand his ground. Then again, if what the boy said was true there really wasn’t much sense in waiting for Adam – he would be back in his own good time, and the talk could wait till the morning.

“Yes, I’m coming, too,” he said, fully aware that there was little chance of sleep for him – not until he heard the sound of his eldest boy sneaking back into his room.

The morning came cold and gray. Dark was the sky, but Ben’s mood was darker still as he saddled his horse, casting gloomy glances at Fancy’s stall, now empty. He knew his son well enough to know that Adam always had a reason in whatever he did. He wondered what had possessed the boy to take Marie’s horse. He wanted more than once to get rid of the animal, the painful remainder of that awful day. Somehow, he couldn’t find it in himself to let her go. Fancy kept the memories alive – and because of that she was his blessing and his curse.

But she was also a spirited and often unpredictable animal. Adam knew Ben’s unwritten and unspoken rule that none of his sons was ever to ride her – not after Marie… not after that day. He was not a kind of man willing to take his chances where his sons were concerned.

Luckily, the trail was not difficult to find. The rain Hoss had sensed the previous day had come, leaving the ground soft and, at places, muddy. By the time Adam left, the terrain had turned into a canvas on which Fancy painted quite an easy pattern for Ben to follow. It also revealed something that made Ben’s throat tighten with anger and fear. It was obvious that Adam had been racing her. Anger – because in those conditions, at night, it was verging on a suicide. Fear – because he realized that history had a habit of repeating itself. The memory of Marie’s fall from that very horse invaded his mind. Seeing her broken body was a living nightmare. Losing his son like that would be unbearable, too terrible to contemplate. And therefore Ben refused to consider such a possibility and focused on the trail, numbing the feeling of foreboding gnawing on him mercilessly. Then, he realized where it was leading him.

Dismounting slowly, Ben leaned heavily over the grayish slab of stone. The sun had at last broken through the clouds and was now seeping lazily through the canopy of color. He cherished this moment of solitude where he could once again feel the presence of the woman that left such a gaping hole in his life. The small plot of land still made his heart ache with longing, but it also brought the promise of consolation and ultimately – peace. As his fingers traced the rough edges of the stone, his eyes discerned the traces on the ground. He examined them closer, though there was really no need for that – he might not have been the world’s greatest trapper, but there were some footprints that he knew like the back of his hand.

“Looks like you had a night-time visitor, Marie,” he said softly. “Hope he found here what he came looking for because, frankly, I don’t seem able to give it to him.” He scanned the area. It would have been easier to study it if his eyes had not gone so misty all of a sudden. He blamed it on the lack of sleep.

*****

“That’s a lesson for you to remember, kid, “Jake laughed out nastily, and his eyes gleamed in the dark.

Adam groaned. “Never bluff a bluffer. I’ll remember.”

Tobias gave cards a shuffle while taking another large gulp from the bottle. He then passed it to Adam with a wry grin.

“Say, Jake, we’re gonna make a card shark out of the kid yet.”

Adam took a sip and almost choked on it. The stuff was vile. He heard the sniggers and looked up to see the others watching him with glee. He could feel his eyes water and decided that whiskey was not all it was cracked up to be – leastwise not that cheap stuff.

He knew it helped to forget, though. And he was determined to ply himself with as much of it as it took to do just that. He raised the bottle again and was about to drink some more but a hand stopped him.

“Let’s just hone one vice at the time. Stick to the poker, at least that’s something you can hold well, “Jake took the bottle and passed it back to Tobias.

Adam was ready to voice his objection but the look on Jake’s face made him reconsider. Instead, he asked, “So what are you going to do? You know they’ll be looking for you.”

“We’re leaving at the first light.” Jake glanced at Adam and answered his unvoiced question. “You’re coming with us. “

Adam couldn’t say he was surprised. The men would never risk his putting a posse on the right track. Not that it would be too difficult to trail them, anyway, he thought. Perhaps they will let him go once they reach the hills. No posse would track them down there. Plus, if push comes to shove, they will probably be grateful for a hostage. In a way, Adam was strangely satisfied with how the things were turning out. He didn’t want to go home where every little thing could trigger some unwanted memory. Those little spears of pain were the worst; they made him feel like he was drawn into some bizarre game of hurt and relief, one he never wanted in, and one he desperately wanted to end. In one way or another. Getting away for a while was not such a bad thing, considering.

His family was another matter. Adam knew that his father would quickly come from worry through irritation to action. He’d probably come looking for him. Perhaps even figure out that he was with a group of card sharks on the run and join the posse, if there would be one. And considering what he’d learnt of what a mess his companions had done of their last night in Carson City, there certainly would be one.

He decided to let things run their own course. Leaning against the tree, he covered his face with his hat and pretended to sleep. Soon, the conversation by the fire died away, and one by one the others fell silent. A man they called Podgy took Jake’s place as look-out. They still had a few hours till dawn.

The things took unexpected turn sooner than he expected, though. They overslept, which was hardly surprising given the number of bottles they had emptied the night before. Jake’s angry voice brought Adam out of his slumber, and he stirred, trying to get rid of the numbness in his neck and shoulders.

The day was cloudy, with the sun only now and then breaking through the grey of the sky. It was getting cold, too. Adam couldn’t help shivering in the morning chill.

“Damn it. Over there – look.”

Alerted by Tobias, Adam snapped his eyes to where the man was pointing the way the others did. His heart skipped a beat or two. From where they stood on the rise, a silhouette of a mounted man was clearly visible. He was following the trail Adam and Fancy had left, and it was obvious that any moment now he would stumble upon the group. Jake swore quietly.

“Do you know that man, Cartwright?” he hissed. Adam’s throat went strangely dry. Jake shot him an urgent glare. “Well, do you?”

Dave slouched behind a rock, a gun in his hand, his gaze fixed on the newcomer.

“What are you doing?” Adam tried to get to where Dave was hidden but some strong hands pushed him down to the ground.

“Stay low, boy,” a warning whisper reached his ears.

“Don’t shoot,” Adam tried to fight the man holding him but the pressure on his shoulders grew stronger to the point of being painful.

“So, you know him?”

Adam nodded and took a shuddering breath. “He’s my father.”

Jake released his grip on Adam, but before the boy had a chance to move he felt the cold touch of a gun on the back of his head.

“Not a sound.”

“Don’t do that, Jake. Don’t let them shoot.”

“We don’t have that much choice, do we? We can’t have him running back to the sheriff.”

“You’ve had a chance to kill me, but you didn’t. Why start now?”

“The moment he knows we’re here we’re gonna have a bunch of those righteous bloodhounds breathing down our necks. Dave? “

The other man looked their way and nodded, his expression determined.

“Wait. I can get rid of him.”

“How?”

“He’s here looking for me, not you. I’ll tell him I met you and offered to show you the way to… wherever it is you’re headed. He won’t suspect a thing.”

“He’ll want you to come home with him, though. You know that’s not something we can let happen.”

“I’ll come with you. Look, I’ve been riding around the place since I was a kid,” Adam went on, blissfully unaware of the amused expressions that this last bit of information was met with. “I can show you some shortcuts that I can guarantee no one else has ever heard about. Just let me talk to him.”

The men exchanged glances. They were not above cheating, stealing and occasional brawling when the stakes and spirits were running high, as the inhabitants of Carson City had recently had a chance to find out, but none of them was eager to kill in cold blood.

Ben heard them before he even saw the horses tied to the trees, Fancy among them, and the men scattered around what looked like a campsite about to be abandoned. His hand hovered near his gun, but it stilled at the familiar voice of his son.

“Morning, Pa.”

Ben took in the scene before him. Adam was sitting by the remnants of the fire, a cup still in his hands. Next to him was sitting a man of about thirty, and his clear blue eyes were boring right into Ben. There were two other men hovering around, and yet another came from the thicket right behind him.

“Adam, who are these people?” Ben cut the pleasantries short.

“Just some travellers. I suggested they spend the night here on the Ponderosa before they go on. You know how tricky it can be travelling here by night if you don’t know the place.”

“Funny you should mention that. This is something I was going to discuss with you, too, son,” Ben said coldly. One closer look at the men told him more than he wished to know, and the combined view of their bloodshot eyes and some bottles lying around made him glare at Adam with a promise of a very long and very unpleasant talk. The boy pretended not to get the message and he addressed his companions with a charming smile.

“Gentlemen, my father, Ben Cartwright.”

The men nodded their greetings.

“We seem to have trespassed on your land, Mr Cartwright. I assure you it was by accident, but please accept our apologies. We’ll be on our way now.”

“That’s all right, Mr…”

“Wilson,” Jake stood up and extended his hand in greeting. “Daniel Wilson.”

“Mister Wilson,” Ben accepted his hand while his gaze travelled back to Adam. “If I may suggest something, you’d be better off following the beaten track. This way you won’t run the risk of getting lost. The forests around here can be rather tricky.”

“I wouldn’t worry about that, Pa. They’ve got a good guide.”

“Is that a fact?” Ben raised an eyebrow.

“Yes. I thought I’d like to go hunting for a few days. I’ll keep them company for a day or so to make sure they are on the right track.”

Ben’s features hardened. “I don’t think so, Adam.”

One of the men fidgeted. Ben saw a look passing between him and his son.

“I’m not asking for permission, Pa.”

“And you won’t receive one. You’re coming with me, and you’re coming now.”

“That’s for me to decide,” Adam set his jaw stubbornly. “I’ll be back in a few days. I’m sorry, but we really should be going now.”

He stood up and brushed the dust off his pants. In two strides Ben was by his son.

“Adam, what do you think you’re doing?”

“Going on a hunting trip. I’ve told you. Now if you don’t mind” he wanted to bypass Ben but his father grabbed his arm.

“And where’s your rifle?”

Adam stilled at his words, and something close to fear swept over his features. Ben noticed it.

“Where is your rifle, Adam?” he repeated in a soft, controlled voice.

“Let me go, Pa.” The words, when came, were quiet and tense.

“I think this little show ends here.”

Ben felt Adam tense under his touch and looked from his son to the man who’d spoken.

“Would someone care to tell me what’s going on here?” he demanded.

“I’d love to stay and have a chat, but Adam’s right – we really should be going,” the man who introduced himself as Wilson drew his gun. “We hoped it could be avoided, Cartwright, but I’m afraid we just can’t let you go now.”

Ben’s hand moved to his own gun but the blue-eyes was faster. For the third time inside of several hours Adam found himself aimed at from the familiar revolver.

“Move and I’ll shoot him.”

Ben let his hand relax.

“Who are you and what do you want?”

“Just a few fellows on the wrong track. Adam, I don’t think you’ll be willing to show us the way after we kill your old man?”

Adam just shot him a cold glare.

“I didn’t think so. Get over there, both of you.”

With three other men pointing their guns at them, they were hardly in a position to argue.

“You don’t have to do this, Jake,” Adam looked directly at the man. Jake’s arm trembled as he shifted his aim from Adam to Ben and back again. The muscle in his jaw was throbbing. “Why don’t you just stick to the poker.”

Jake narrowed his eyes, and then, slowly, his features relaxed. He smiled at Adam, his blue eyes twinkling.

“I hate to have my words thrown back at me.”

“Shouldn’t talk that much then.”

“Fair enough. All right then, Podgy– get some rope and tie them up.”

Adam was trying very hard to look somewhere else than straight ahead. In his wicked sense of humour Jake made sure that he’d be tied to a tree directly facing his father, and now he was doomed to perhaps hours of his father’s palpable glares. Maybe it was not such a bad thing that their hands were bound as well, he decided.

“Well?”

Adam winced at hearing the single word and ducked his head, clearly uncomfortable.

“Tell me again about this hunting trip you yours, son.”

“Pa, you know I had to think of something. It was just a—a little game we played.”

He didn’t even have to look up to know the shade of black his father’s eyes were turning now.

“A little game?” Ben droned, clearly struggling to keep his temper. “Do you know what the problem with games is? Someone’s liable to lose at it!”

“They would probably let me go sooner or later. Or I’d find a way to get away.” He looked up to face Ben, his own anger ready to flare up. “They were ready to put a bullet through your head the moment they saw you. What was I supposed to do?!”

“I thought you’d never ask. Let me see… How about staying at home in the first place like you should have?” Ben shook his head angrily. ”I thought I cured you of those night rides. I find that I was wrong.”

There wasn’t much he could say to that, so Adam let his gaze wander somewhere above his father’s shoulder instead.

“Would you do me a favor and look at me when I’m talking to you?”

Chastised, Adam snapped his eyes back to his father’s angered face.

“Well?”

“Sir?”

“Why did you do that? You know I forbade you to go horse-riding at night.”

“I’m not a child anymore, Pa,” Adam bit at the inside of his mouth in anticipation of his father’s reaction to his declaration.

“Is that why you sneaked out of the house through your window? “

Adam hesitated. “I didn’t want to disturb anyone?” It was more of a question than a statement, and terribly lacking in confidence at that.

“How very considerate of you.” Ben’s voice was dripping sarcasm. “You will probably be surprised to find out that you achieved just the opposite. What do you think I thought when I found your bed empty in the middle of the night?!”

Adam bit back the question about his father’s reasons for being in his room in the first place. He knew he still checked on Hoss and Joe, and he just realized that perhaps his younger brothers weren’t the only ones given to this nightly routine. This meant that his father still refused to consider him an adult – which at that moment was not helping his case at all.

“I’m sorry if I worried you. I just wanted….” He hesitated. “I wanted some time alone, that’s all.”

“You wanted some time alone.”

Adam was finding his father’s expression increasingly difficult to read. “Yes, sir.”

“I suppose the privacy of your room was out of question. ”Ben watched his son squirm and decided to take pity on him and cut this part of conversation short. “I don’t want this situation to repeat itself, Adam. No more night rides. Do we understand each other?”

“Pa, I’m seventeen! “

“Exactly! You’re old enough to know how dangerous this might be around here!” Ben glared at the boy, his eyebrows forming a formidable line. “And not quite old enough to stop me from reminding you of the consequences of disobeying me. So I’ll ask you one more time – did I make myself clear?”

“Very much so.”

“Now about the last night. Should I know about anything that happened here?”

“Nothing happened. I rode right into their camp and… well, you can imagine the rest.”

“To be honest, my imagination is conjuring up some pictures I’m rather concerned about, son,” he let his gaze glide meaningfully from one bottle to another before fixing it back on Adam.

“I wasn’t drinking, if that’s what you’re implying,” Adam was hit by the full force of his father’s glare and looked down quickly. “Much,” he added in a somewhat softer tone.

“I see.”

For a moment, neither spoke. Ben glanced up at the gathering clouds. It looked like rain.

“Did it help?”

“Did what help?” Adam’s eyebrows rose questioningly.

“The little you drank. Did it help to forget?”

“Pa, I don’t know what you’re talking about,” the boy shifted uncomfortably. The string cut deeper into his wrists, making him wince with pain. Ben watched him closely, his brown eyes showing concern.

“I’m talking about Marie.”

Adam straightened his back, his expression impassive. He refused to meet Ben’s gaze.

“You took Fancy,” Ben carried on, ignoring a “no trespassing” sign on his son’s face. “You were racing her pretty hard. Not something I’d approve of, even during the day.”

“I know.”

“Adam?”

Reluctantly, the boy shifted his gaze in Ben’s direction.

“Son, you can’t be forever running away from your grief – it’s not something you can outrun.”

“I don’t want to talk about it.”

“Then I’ll talk, and you’ll listen.”

“What if I don’t want to listen to whatever you’ve got to say?”

“You seem to have very little choice in the matter, thanks to our friends.”

Once again Adam pulled at the cord, but it only earned him more pain as it cut through the skin on his wrists. It made him angrier, and so did the fact that his father grew calmer the more he struggled. Adam decided he liked him better when he was mad; at least then his father didn’t look at him as though he could see right through him.

“You know, when Marie died I went into a dark place. And I thought that I’d never be able to see anything but this darkness. I know you remember that – you watched me withdraw, you saw me trying to get away from everything and everybody. Trust me, Adam – I know about grief. It can destroy you if you let it.”

“Why are you telling me this?”

“Because you’re my son,” Ben replied in a soft, gentle voice. “Because when you hurt, I’m the one who aches. And I can’t let you go where I won’t be able to reach you anymore.”

Adam looked away, as though he didn’t trust himself to control his emotions. Then, suddenly, his voice came, strained and sad.

“It’s just that… nothing’s quite the same.”

“No,” Ben struggled to keep his voice even. “No, it’s not. And it never will be.”

“Then how…,” he was unable to form the question, but Ben understood.

“You just learn to live with it and one day–”

Adam didn’t let him finish. “Is that all you can give me? Because that’s not nearly enough!” his dark eyes gleamed as he stared at the other man. His voice was getting louder with every word. “Don’t you understand? She wasn’t ready!”

“Adam—“

“She was not!” he shouted angrily, his lips trembling. “And I wasn’t, either,” he added in a whisper. Then, he bent forward, his forehead pressed against the knees, and started crying in silence.

Ben froze. Every faint tremble that ran through his boy’s hunched shoulders cut right through his heart. His first natural reaction was to reach to Adam, but the ties kept him immobilized. To see the child so distraught and vulnerably and be unable to comfort him was like a parent’s worst nightmare come true.

“Adam.”

The boy refused to raise his head.

“Son, look at me” he repeated, but his words were left hanging in the air, unheeded.

In a way, he made it happen. He brought Adam to the point where the boy would have to confront his pain, accept it. Why then did he feel so helpless now that it happened – and so ill-equipped to deal with his child’s anguish?

“Do you remember the day she joined you boys fishing on that church picnic? She refused to let go of her catch even when it pulled her right into the pond. It must have dragged her a dozen feet or so.” Adam didn’t move and Ben wondered if he had his son heard a word he said. “She was a sight when she finally emerged from the water. There wasn’t a dry spot on her. And she laughed so hard and so long that Hoss complained she’d scare away all the other fish.”

Ben held his breath, watching and waiting. The first drops of rain splattered against his leather waistcoat and seeped down it, leaving a darker line in their trail.

“Mrs Pritchard almost fainted when she saw Marie in that wet dress.” Adam’s voice was so quiet Ben had to strain his ears to hear him. Still, to Ben it never sounded more beautiful.

“I’m afraid your mother enjoyed shocking the good ladies of Virginia City occasionally. I don’t think Grace Pritchard ever got over her righteous indication. I seem to remember she mentioned something about decency and standards.”

“Jealous. Mrs Pritchard couldn’t catch a cold in the rain, and she knew it.” Adam glanced at Ben with a gleam in his eyes. “Let alone the fact she could never look half as well in a wet dress as Marie did.”

Ben raised his eyebrow at the last remark but a smile was playing on his lips. Adam closed his eyes, trying to get rid of the moisture.

“You’re right, Adam. Marie wasn’t ready. None of us was. But we don’t have to move on without her – there’s so much of her that will stay with us. She’d want us to remember her – we owe her that much. But she’d also expect us to keep living and enjoying this life – the way we did when she was here. She told me once how she loved watching you smile – said she could never refuse you anything once you flashed your dimples at her.”

Adam listened carefully, with the same studious concentration he exhibited whenever he was trying to solve some arithmetic problem.

“She wouldn’t mind your tears, Adam, or your anger, or laughter. But please don’t try to forget her just because remembering is too painful. You know she would never tolerate that – she hated to be ignored.”

“Yes, I know.” Ben could hear the hint of smile in Adam’s voice.

“I’m sure you do.”

“Is it going… I mean—“ Adam hesitated, a question trembling on his lips.

Ben’s eyes hugged Adam the way his arms couldn’t. “It won’t be the same. But I promise you, son, that a day will come when all that hurt’s gone, and all that’s left are good memories.”

Adam let his head rest against the tree and sat like that for a moment, eyes closed, allowing the rain to fall on his face. Then, he looked at Ben.

“Promise?”

“I promise.”

The tip of Adam’s lip curled up in a smirk. “Cross your heart?”

Ben rolled his eyes. “As soon as I have my fingers back.”

“How long do you think till someone finds us?” “Oh, I’m sure we have a lot of time to talk, son.”

It was Adam’s turn to roll his eyes. But then he met his father’s gaze and he knew it would be all right. In time. They would get through this like they got through so many things together. He believed his father when he said this day would come; he never lied to him before, and Adam knew him too well to suspect that he could start now. He drew in the damp, fresh air pervaded by the smell of pine and rain, and just like that he remembered how to breathe.

 

The End