Synopsis: Ten-year-old Adam searches for information about Elizabeth.
Rating:  PG
Words:  13,300

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The Search

The tall trees offered a welcome shield from the sun’s scorching rays, but the small child barely noticed as he wandered aimlessly through the lush undergrowth. He let his feet take him wherever they led, as long as it was as far from the ranch as possible. The quiet of the outdoors was disturbed only by an occasional sob that escaped his lips, and he covered his mouth with the palm of his hand to stifle the noise. His black hair, badly in need of a cut, curled from the humidity. He brushed the damp locks from his forehead and ran the back of his arm across his eyes, blinking away the tears. He knew there was a clearing by a stream just a few hundred yards away, but chose to remain hidden, protected by the tall grass. He flung his slender body to the ground and try as he might, he couldn’t stop the thoughts from whirling through his mind.

Instead of dreaming of birthday cake and the promise of turning ten tomorrow, young Adam Cartwright struggled with feelings he couldn’t even begin to understand. How could it be that only six weeks ago his life, although never easy, seemed so comfortable and uncomplicated in his daily routine. He hated change, and now his whole life turned upside down, right from the moment his Pa brought home his new wife. Straight from New Orleans, Marie was young and some thought pretty, although Adam didn’t agree. All he could see when he looked at her was a woman intruder in his small family of men. But when Pa looked at her, there was a light in his eyes that Adam hadn’t seen in a very long time. He never saw that light when Pa looked at him or even his little brother, Hoss.

Heaving a deep sigh, Adam started to roll from his stomach to his back, but stopped when his sore backside cried out in rebellion. He pursed his lips and laid his head in his arms, remembering with regret the events of earlier that day.

Adam had been raking out the stalls in the barn while Hoss, sitting on the porch, tried to entice a kitten into his lap. Bored with being ignored by the kitten, Hoss skipped happily into the barn and slid into the mound of hay Adam had so meticulously piled. The look of glee on Hoss’ face stopped the older boy from losing patience. Instead he just shook his head and grinned.

“Come on, Adam, try it!” Hoss’ chubby arms gathered the hay, rebuilding the hay pile as best he could.

“Nah, I still got wood to chop and…”Adam answered, but he was sorely tempted.

“It’s fun! Just try it once,” coaxed the five year old, eyes wide and bright.

Unable to resist his brother, or the chance to have a little fun, Adam said, “Oh, all right. Watch out!” With that, he threw the pitchfork down, ran out of the barn a little ways, ran back, and dove into the hay. Both boys laughed and began throwing hay at one another, their voices escalating into high-pitched screams of delight. The neat pile was gone and they were both covered from head to toe with bits of straw. The once neat barn floor was again a mess.

“What is going on here?” a voice exclaimed from the door. Both boys stopped immediately. “Adam, I thought you had chores to do. I’m sure your father can find you something else to do if you’re all through…” Marie stood, hands poised on her hips. As soon as she uttered the words, she wanted to take them back. After all, he was a child just having a bit of fun in the summer heat, but he frustrated her so that sometimes she couldn’t control her temper with him. In the short time since her arrival, Adam had been rude and bitter towards her, making life at the Ponderosa unpleasant and stressful. Now, his smile was once again gone, the mask of barely concealed resentment returned. She turned and headed back to the house before he could answer her back, forcing her into a situation she didn’t know how to handle.

“I hate her,” Adam spat the words out, and Hoss was horrified.

“You can’t hate her! She’s our mama!” Hoss’ love was easily given, and Marie had no trouble winning him over. He was an open, affable child, who accepted her as “mama” unconditionally, unlike his older brother.

“She’s n-not my ma! And she’s not your mama neither! She’s just…she’s just a gold digger and a…a whore!” Adam vehemently repeated words he had heard some of the ranch hands whisper. He wasn’t sure exactly what they meant, but he knew they were bad. Adam’s angry words echoed in his own ears, and as soon as he spoke them, he knew he had gone too far. Hurting his brother was the last thing he wanted to do. Hoss’ mouth was wide open as he saw his Pa standing behind Adam. He had heard every word. Ben Cartwright’s lips were set in a thin line, his face had lost its color, and his eyes were narrowed and dark.

“Hoss, go in the house. Now.” Ben’s voice was low and even. Adam didn’t need to turn around to know how angry Ben was. He understood he had gone too far this time and his father’s tone did not bode well for the youngster. The boy slowly turned, trembling.

Trying unsuccessfully to control his temper, Ben began loosening his belt while Adam’s eyes widened. He made a dash for the door, but Ben was too quick. He grabbed his upper arm and swung the boy around to face him.

“What the hell is wrong with you? I have told you repeatedly that you will treat Marie with respect!” Ben swallowed, his brown eyes boring into Adam’s. His son defiantly met his father’s stare, infuriating him all the more.

“And for your information, Marie is Hoss’ mother, just as much as Inger was your mother!” Unable to control his anger, Ben roared those final words, driving them like a knife right into Adam’s heart.

“SHE IS NOT!” screamed Adam, stamping his foot and trying to twist from his father’s grasp. Tears flowed freely from his eyes now, but they weren’t tears of fear. The boy was fully aware that he deserved a whipping; in fact, some small part of him welcomed it. He wanted to be punished. Pa was right, Inger wasn’t his real Ma. His Ma, Elizabeth, died giving birth to Adam. He killed her and didn’t deserve to have a new Ma. In his young confused mind, he felt he didn’t deserve to have anyone love him, not even his Pa.

Unfortunately, Ben was too enraged to see how his words had affected his sensitive child. He only sought to punish him – punish him not only for what had just happened, but also for his sullen and unyielding attitude of late. It was suddenly all too much for Ben – a new wife, the responsibility of a ranch, two young boys. He doubled his belt and unleashed too many feelings into a beating that was excessively harsh for a young boy. Adam bit his bottom lip to keep from crying out, and if Ben noticed his son was silent except for some muffled sobs and hiccups, it didn’t stop him.

Hoss ran into the house as fast as his legs could take him, tears of fearful sympathy for his brother streaming down his cherubic face. Marie gathered him in her arms, making soft comforting noises to calm him, and asked, “What is it, darling? Tell Mama.”

Hoss just grabbed her by the hand and quickly led her to the barn to save his brother from his father’s fury. As angry and hurt as Adam made her, Marie was appalled by the scene in front of her. She had never before seen Ben in such a temper!

“Ben! Ben!” she called out, surprising both Adam and Ben. Marie’s eyes met her husband’s, silently speaking volumes, and he lowered his hand. Time seemed to stand still as he pulled his gaze from her and turned to see his firstborn son cowering in front of him. Ben dropped the belt on the floor.

“Adam,” he said softly.

Through tear filled eyes Adam saw his adored little brother crying, bringing his new “Mama” to Adam’s rescue. He saw what he perceived as loathing on his Pa’s face. He saw Marie and her look of pity, and his shame knew no bounds. He bolted past them all, seeking escape from their penetrating gazes. Never turning back, Adam ran till he could breathe no more. He stopped and doubled over, gasping for breath. It was then that he looked behind him, but it was just as he thought, no one had come after him.

He lay in that grass for a good long while, until sleep overcame him. His familiar nightmare finally woke him. By then, the sun was nearly gone, replaced by a tiny crescent shaped moon. Stomach grumbling, he made his way to the stream for a cool drink but stopped when he heard voices. Three men and a woman were eating around a fire; the delicious aroma of rabbit making its way to Adam’s nose. He hadn’t eaten since breakfast and he was hungry, but was way too shy to approach the strangers. Curiosity overcame him and he shimmied behind a nearby tree to listen to their conversation.

“We will set up outside of town tomorrow,” the largest of the men said. He had a gray mustache and Adam figured he was the boss, maybe even the Pa. A younger, dark haired man spit the coffee he had been drinking onto the ground in front of the first man, saying, “Why? This town is too small! There is no money here. We need to move on, soon, before we run out of money.”

“Hah! There’s plenty of money here, believe me.”

The third man spoke softly, “Why don’t we ask Lydia if we should stay? She knows all, doesn’t she?”

That brought a hearty laugh from all four people, but Adam couldn’t understand what was so funny. He supposed Lydia was the woman there. She was very pretty, he thought, with her long curly black hair and very red lips. Her clothes were bright, different shades of reds and pinks, and her dangling gold earrings glistened in the firelight. Her laugh was deep and throaty, and it reminded Adam of Inger’s rich laughter. He stopped listening then and turned his thoughts inward. He missed Inger so much. She took care of him and his Pa, made them a real family. He thought she had truly loved him, but like Pa said, she wasn’t his real Ma, so Adam supposed she probably was just pretending. That thought had never crossed his mind until today, and his heart literally ached with that idea. But he was done crying. With a new resolve, he promised himself he would never let himself be hurt again. You only get hurt if you love someone, and he wasn’t gonna make that mistake ever again. Slowly, Adam made his way back to the Ponderosa. He’d be ten years old tomorrow, but he’d grown much older than that in just a few short hours.

Marie was frantic; she didn’t know what to do. Adam had been gone for hours. Hoss was morose and so worried he hadn’t touched his dinner. Ben and the ranch hands were out searching for the boy since long before sunset. Ben didn’t follow him right away, believing the child needed some time to be alone. Truth was, Ben was ashamed of his words and actions but wasn’t sure how to bridge the ever widening gap between him and his eldest son. They had been through so much together – the long trip from Boston, living out of a covered wagon for nearly eight years, staying in countless boardinghouses in towns Ben couldn’t even remember the names of. And Adam had been his companion, as little as he was, seldom complaining, trying not to cause any more problems for Ben than he already had. Inger had been the one ray of sunshine on the trip West, but an Indian’s arrow found her, and he and Adam buried her somewhere in Nebraska. Inger had given him his second son, Hoss, whose sunny disposition and easygoing nature were adored by his reserved older brother. Ben closed his eyes and sent up a prayer to Elizabeth to help him find their son. He couldn’t bear the thought of losing him too.

Ben opened his eyes and a slight rustling caught his attention. It was very dark and almost impossible to make out anything, so he said, “Adam?”

Adam involuntarily tensed as he heard his father’s voice. His tone wasn’t angry, but rather filled with concern. Adam longed to run to his father and throw his arms around him, but steeled himself from doing so. Instead, he called back tentatively, “Pa?”

“Thank God. Are you all right, son?” Ben jumped off his horse and knelt before Adam, putting his hands on the thin shoulders and looking him over. Despite the summer heat, Adam shivered slightly. He continued to stare at the ground, and when Ben pulled him into an embrace, Adam’s body became rigid. Shaking his head sorrowfully, Ben whispered, “I was worried. I’m glad I found you.”

Adam merely nodded, afraid his voice would betray him.

The sigh that escaped Ben came from his heart. He realized he had lost his son’s trust today and knew it would be an uphill struggle to gain it back. Adam was stubborn, often shutting others out and locking himself into his own hurt.

“Hoss and Marie are waiting for us. Let’s go home.” With those words, he lifted his son into Buck’s saddle. Adam shifted gingerly. Ben was aware of his discomfort and wanted to apologize, something he seldom did.

“Adam, about what happened this afternoon, I want you to know I’m…”

Adam’s voice was low and monotone as he spoke the words he’d carefully rehearsed, “I’m sorry, Pa.” Apologizing was something Adam seldom did also, but he labored on. “You’re right. I…I was disrespectful to Marie and I w-won’t be rude to her no more. I’ll-I’ll be good, I promise.” He returned to the nervous stutter he’d carried in babyhood and Ben realized how upset his son was. He began to interrupt, but Adam continued, “I-I can ch-change, you’ll see.” The boy’s body language signaled an end to the conversation, and Ben turned to the task of riding home in the dark.

Adam was up doing his chores well before sunrise. The tell tale dark circles under his eyes were the only evidence of his not sleeping the night before. He took painstaking care with his work, trying to avoid breakfast and his family. Last night, Marie had hugged him and fussed over him like he was a baby, and although a tiny part of him enjoyed it, he fought those feelings hard. Hoss had been genuinely relieved to see him and slept in Adam’s bed , not wanting to lose sight of him for a moment.

“Happy birthday, son!” Pa called to him when he entered the dining room. Adam glanced at him sharply. Usually his birthday held nothing but sad memories for his father, and Adam searched his face for a sign, but saw none. Perhaps Marie made Ben forget about Elizabeth – Adam wasn’t sure.

“Yeah, happy birthday, Adam!” squealed Hoss. He turned to Marie and asked, “Can we have cake for breakfast?”

She chuckled and ruffled Hoss’ hair. “There’ll be plenty of cake later, don’t you worry.” She looked at Adam with kind eyes and whispered, “Happy birthday, Adam.”

Unable to meet her eyes, he replied, “Thank you, ma’am,” and sat down to a breakfast of pancakes and sausage. He wondered briefly how Marie knew that was his favorite, but quickly dismissed the thought. Lucky guess, he figured.

Ben cleared his throat, breaking the awkward silence. “So, son, what would you like to do on your special day?”

“Let’s go fishin’!” suggested Hoss, bouncing in his chair.

Smiling, Ben reminded him, “It’s Adam’s birthday, not yours. And ten is a special birthday, isn’t that right, Marie?”

Before she could answer, Hoss whistled, sending out tiny pieces of chewed pancake back into his plate. “Wow, that’s a big number!”

“Please don’t talk with your mouth full,” his new mama instructed.

“But I wasn’t talkin’, I was whistlin’.”

Ben and Marie laughed, and even Adam grinned at his brother.

“Well Adam? We all know what Hoss wants to do, but what about you?” Ben tried to draw Adam out, but the boy just shrugged. Then he remembered his promise of last night and added quietly, “Fishin’s fine.”

Ben and Marie exchanged a look. He had filled her in on Adam’s little speech, but she wasn’t totally convinced of his sincerity or his motive. They both knew he was hurting deeply, but didn’t know how to reach him. The dark circles under his uncharacteristically expressionless eyes tore at their hearts. Ben resolved to have a talk with him, but not today. Adam’s birthday always stirred distressing memories about Liz’s death, and in the past he avoided a celebration of any kind on this day. This year, he vowed to make this day as pleasant as possible for all of his family.

Marie’s sweet voice jarred him from his thoughts. “I heard there is a carnival setting up outside of town today. Perhaps Adam would like to go? We could have a picnic!” She was determined to win the sad little boy over.

“What’s a car –carnabull?” asked Hoss.

Ben looked at Adam. Usually he jumped in to answer any questions his little brother asked, but he just kept his eyes on his plate.

“Well, some people set up tents and such, sell food…”

“Food? What kind of food?” Hoss could barely contain himself.

Ben smiled. At least someone was enthusiastic. “All kinds of food. Sometimes they have games with prizes…”

“Can we go now? Please, Pa? I never bin to a carnabull!” pleaded Hoss, his blue eyes sparkling.

“It’s up to your brother. It’s his birthday.”

“Pleeeeeze, Adam. Pleeeeze.” Hoss implored his brother, knowing he’d give in. Adam usually only said no to him if something was dangerous, and he was sure a “carnabull” wasn’t bad.

Shrugging his shoulders, Adam replied, “Sure.”

The buckboard hit just about every rut on the road into town, and Adam had to rub at his soreness more than once. Hoss jabbered the entire way, asking a million questions about the “carnabull” until finally Ben lost patience and told him, “Be still or I’m turning around.” Hoss’ eyes filled, but Adam pulled his younger brother, who was probably a bit heavier than he was, into his lap. Truth was, Adam needed to hug his brother more than Hoss needed the hug.

Everyone’s mood lifted as they pulled closer to the fair area. About ten or twelve small tents were set up a mile out of town, and people were milling about, talking and laughing. The two Cartwright boys jumped from the back of the wagon while Ben helped Marie down. Eyes wide as saucers, Hoss began jumping up and down, not knowing where to look first. Ben swung him into the air and onto his shoulders, and placed his arm around Adam. Marie put an arm around her eldest stepson also and the four walked toward the nearest tent, looking very much the perfect family.

The Cartwrights walked from tent to tent, looking over the wares and livestock. Pa let both boys try their luck at ringing the wooden pegs, but both missed the mark.

“You try, Pa,” insisted Hoss, and Marie agreed.

“Well, all right, I’ll give it a try,” and with that, Ben tossed the rope and rung the middle peg.

“Pa won! Pa won!” Hoss licked his lips at the striped candy prize the man handed his father.

Ben took the peppermint stick and looked from Hoss to Adam to Marie, shaking his head at his dilemma. Marie realized his predicament and said, “It’s Adam’s birthday, Ben. It belongs to him.”

Adam looked sideways at her, but when Ben offered him the candy, he just said, “No thanks, I’m not hungry. Give it to Hoss.”

Ben’s smile disappeared as he handed it over to the very excited little boy.

“Gee, thanks, Adam,” Hoss said as he licked the candy.

Around noontime, Marie and Ben went away from the crowd to set up their picnic. Ben’s shoulders were hunched as he sat quietly, his arm around Marie, his mind a million miles away.

“Penny for your thoughts,” she said, snuggling into his chest.

“I think you’d want your money back,” he replied ruefully.

“Try me. I’m a lot tougher than you think.”

“Oh, I don’t know, I guess I always get this way on Adam’s birthday. ” Ben tried to put into words his feelings without hurting Marie, but couldn’t find a way to do it, so he stopped talking.

Marie nodded knowingly. “It’s all right, Ben, I do understand. And I know how hard it is for you to talk about Elizabeth. But I hope that someday you’ll be able to speak about her, maybe not to me, but to her son.”

“I honestly don’t think that day will ever come,” Ben stood and wandered over to the nearby stream, unwilling to continue the conversation. Neither adult noticed the two boys approaching, giggling and poking each other as only brothers do.

Hoss turned to Adam and asked, “Who’s ‘Lizbeth?”

Adam’s face darkened and Hoss involuntarily took a step back. “N-nobody, leastways nobody important.”

Hoss wouldn’t let it go that easily, “But Mama said…”

“Just for-forget it, willya?” Adam’s tone was unusually harsh, so Hoss kept quiet. “Listen, tell Marie I’m not hungry. I wanna look around s-some more, okay?” He tried to smile at his little brother, but didn’t succeed.

“But what should I tell Pa?”

“Don’t worry. He w-won’t even notice I’m gone.”

Adam lost himself in the crowd, looking but not really seeing. He wondered about his real Ma, wondered what her voice sounded like, her laugh, how she smelled. Would she have cooked his favorite foods, told him stories, hugged him once in a while? Would she like the boy he’d become, be proud of how he could read without ever going to school, round up stray cattle, take care of his little brother? He was embarrassed to feel a single tear slide down his cheek and ducked into the back of the nearest tent.

“What are you doing in here?” hissed a tall dark-haired man, who stared at him with an odd expression. Adam immediately recognized him as one of the campers he had spied on last night, and was at a loss for words. The man grabbed the back of the boy’s shirt, ready to toss him out, when the pretty lady commanded, “Leave him be, Bernardo.”

The man scowled at her but did as he was told before leaving the tent in disgust. The woman stared at him with a faraway look in her eyes. Lydia snapped out of her daze and smiled at Adam, lightly placing one hand on his shoulder. With her other hand, she gently brushed the tears from his cheeks. Momentarily stunned by her actions, Adam jumped back and found his voice, “I – I’m sorry, I didn’t mean to…”

“Hush now. There is nothing to be sorry for. I’m glad of the company. My lunch is here but I had no one to share it with, until now.” She held out her hand and Adam carefully shook it. “I am called Lydia.” Her smile was wide and she had the whitest teeth he’d ever seen. He was mesmerized.

“I’m Adam. Adam Cartwright.”

“Pleased to meet you, Adam Cartwright. Now will you sit and eat with me? Do you like bread and cheese? Milk?”

Adam nodded, and soon found himself munching on a piece of soft bread, his shyness slowly melting away. He gave her a dazzling smile and she was captivated.

“How come you’re here? I-I mean, what do you sell in your tent?” he took a long drink of milk, leaving a white line coating his upper lip. Lydia laughed and wiped it away with her fingers. He is a beautiful child, she thought. Dark curly hair, tanned skin, a little too thin, but a face of an angel with two deep dimples and eyes that lit up when he really smiled. He was so like her Rudolfo it was uncanny. She chased the memory away.

“Sell? I sell words.”

He scrunched up his face, confused. “Words?” he repeated. “You mean you sell books?” His tone was hopeful – he loved to read.

“No, no, silly boy. I tell people what their future will hold, or sometimes I tell them things even they don’t know about themselves.” She handed him a hunk of cheese.

“Thank you,” he said absentmindedly. He was a bright child, but didn’t understand how anyone could know what was going to happen tomorrow. “But how do you know? I mean, I thought only the Lord knows what’s gonna happen, and –and,” he struggled with the words, “how do you know about people if you never seen ‘em before? I don’t get it.”

Her eyes twinkled and she giggled like a little girl. Adam raised his eyes and stared at her through his long dark lashes. She rubbed his cheek before she walked to a table on the far side of the tent. When she came back, she held a smooth ball made of glass. Adam blew out a deep breath and asked, “What is it? Can I touch it?”

“It is a crystal ball, and when I look into it, I can see things others cannot see.” She placed it carefully into his small hands, and he held it reverently. He peered into it, alternately squinting and enlarging his eyes, trying desperately to see something, anything. But all he saw was a distorted version of his fingers. He wrinkled his nose and looked up at her for help.

She just shook her head. “I have the gift. Only I can see. Many have tried, but…”she let her words hang in the air. He held out the ball to her and she took it from him. He was intrigued, and she knew what he wanted to ask her.

“You would like me to gaze into the crystal ball and tell you what I see?” she whispered, and the child was amazed. He could only nod yes.

“Bernardo would be angry if he knew I did this for you without money…”

“I got money.” He dug into his pockets and found the dime his Pa had given him. Lydia tried to suppress her smile.

“I do not take money from friends. You are my friend, yes?”

“Oh, yes!” he breathed, his heart thumping.

The woman ran her hands over and around the ball several times, eyes closed, murmuring something Adam could not understand. Her eyes popped open and she began to speak.

“Today is a special day, I can see…”

He couldn’t contain himself. “It’s my birthday!”

“Yes, yes, I can see that. Your family brought you here to celebrate. Even your young brother came – a big boy with blond hair…”

Adam drew in his breath. How did she know?

“Your father, he works very hard, and,” she gazed hard at him, “is very strict.”

“Oh yeah,” he whispered.

“Your mother…”she continued, watching him closely as his smile disappeared. “Your mother, there is trouble. You had a falling out of some sort. You…” Adam hung on her every word, until a loud voice thundered, “Lydia! Since when do you waste your time on children?” It was the older man from the other night, who also looked at him oddly. Adam jumped up, startled. Lydia, however, remained calm.

“Victor, my young friend here is a paying customer,” she winked at Adam, “and we are just finishing up. Now please leave us.”

The large man took one stride to her and grabbed her elbow. “You are finished with him. Put away your silly ideas. People are lining up outside. It is time to work.”

Lydia signed and nodded, but when Victor turned his back, she stuck her tongue out and made Adam grin.

“Adam, you will come see me again?” she asked when Victor left the tent. “We will be here for two more days.”

He didn’t know how he would manage it, but he promised he would come back. He lifted the flap and left, happier than he’d been in a long time.

Adam met up with his family near the ring toss tent, and Ben was so pleased to see his son smiling that he didn’t reprimand him for running off. He let Adam try his hand at the game once again, and this time Adam won. He broke his peppermint stick in two, handing Hoss the bigger piece.

“Hey, Pa, what’s in there?” Hoss pointed to the tent with the sign, “Fortuneteller – See What the Future Holds”. On the sign was a picture of a crystal ball.

Clearing his throat, Ben began, “That’s a scam, Hoss.”

“Oh, what’s a scam?” Hoss asked. Adam’s ears perked up, but his expression was unreadable.

“Well son, that’s when you pay for something that you really don’t get. You see, that person, probably a woman, will tell you she can tell you future, but no one can do that. So she just pretends and tells people things they want to hear, pockets their coins, and leaves town before anyone can find out that she was lying.”

“Oh.” Hoss didn’t really understand, but he had lost interest somewhere in the middle of Pa’s explanation.

“But can’t some people know the future? I-I mean, what about the prophets in the bible?” Adam persisted.

Ben almost laughed. From the moment Adam uttered his first words, they had been in the form of a question. The boy never rested until he was totally satisfied with an explanation. Ben chose his words carefully, “Yes, that’s true son. But I doubt that this fortuneteller is like a prophet…”

Adam interrupted, he had to know, “But I mean, it’s possible, right? Some people might have a, you know, a gift.”

Always the first to admit there are two sides to every story, Ben had to concede, “Well, I suppose so.”

Adam knew Lydia told him the truth, even if Pa seemed skeptical. Adam was convinced his new friend could see things in that crystal ball that no one else saw. His mind was already busy with so many questions he needed her to answer.

The ride home was silent. Hoss quickly fell asleep. Adam’s thoughts were a tangle of Elizabeth, Inger, Marie and now Lydia. Ben was reliving an unpleasant memory from ten years ago. Marie racked her brain, trying to come up with a way to help both Ben and Adam, so alike in their determination to keep part of themselves locked away.

Adam went directly to bed, leaving Ben to his sad thoughts. Adam lay awake for a long while on his tenth birthday, but he shut his eyes when his father came in to check on him. Ben lay his hand on the curly dark hair, but Adam didn’t move. He heard his father sigh as he stroked his son’s smooth cheek. Adam made no movement, paralyzed in his uncertainty of his father’s feelings, as well as his own.

It wasn’t easy, but Adam finally managed to sneak away after lunch. Pa was searching for strays up near the north canyon while Marie tackled organizing the storehouse. Hoss was quietly snoring on the settee, and with his chores done, Adam rode away unnoticed on his old pony. His conscience pricked a bit, but he pushed the feeling away. He liked Lydia and besides, he had so many questions for her crystal ball. First thing that morning, he found his old sock at the bottom of his chest of drawers and undid the knot. Counting out the coins, he took the nearly $3.00 he been saving to buy that thick book on steam engines and stuck it way down in his pants’ pocket. Now Victor couldn’t complain that she was spending time with Adam because he was a paying customer.

She must have known he was coming – of course, she knew the future! He bounded into the tent.

“Hi!” He smiled broadly.

“Hi yourself! I’m so glad you came to see me, but keep your voice low. Victor will be back soon,” she warned. Her heart quickened as he entered the tent and she forced herself not to embrace this child who was so like her dead son.

“Don’t matter. See? I got money.” He reached into his pocket and opened his hand, displaying the coins proudly.

“Adam Cartwright – you’re a rich man!” she teased, and he chuckled.

“Nah, I ain’t rich. It’s only about $3.00.” His shyness suddenly returned. “Do..do you think that’s enough?”

“Enough for what, my sweet?” She put her arm around him, and it felt good, to both of them.

“E – enough for you to look into that crystal ball again for me?”

“Oh,” she understood then, looking into his troubled dark eyes. “Do you have a particular question you would like to ask the crystal ball?”

He could only nod. Her heart went out to him, so she led him to the table where they both sat.

“What is your question, child?” she spoke softly.

“My Ma, I-I mean my real Ma. I wanna know…” he couldn’t finish. The words stuck in his throat. He had never spoken about her before.

“Ahhh. I see.” Lydia tried to read his face to gain some insight. A master at reading people, Lydia picked up hints from movements and expressions that less observant people would never notice. Everyone gave something away, and the younger they were, the less cautious they became about hiding information. But not this child. He was a puzzle. Obviously, something about his “real Ma” troubled him deeply, so much so that no words came. But what? And this reading meant so much to her as she put into motion the plan she devised the day before. She had to win his trust, and in doing so, destroy his trust in his family.

“You lost her a long time ago, didn’t you?” Lydia hoped she hit the mark.

He nodded forlornly.

“And you miss her very much,” she continued, speaking with a confidence she did not feel. The boy merely shrugged. He wasn’t giving anything away. Taking a deep breath, she plowed on. “You look like your father,” she had seen them together yesterday, “but you have many of the same traits as your mother.” There, that was broad enough to satisfy him, she hoped.

Turning his eyes expectantly to her, he asked, “Like what?” He didn’t know any of the traits that his real Ma had. He knew what she looked like from the picture of her on Pa’s desk, but he wasn’t allowed to touch it. He also knew that she owned a music box decorated with cherubs, and Adam wasn’t allowed to touch that either. But that was all he knew.

This was the hardest reading Lydia ever had to do. “Let me look deeper into the ball. Hmmm, yes, I can see you share your mother’s intelligence and sensitivity.” He cocked his head, waiting for more. “You’re kind and patient and love your little brother greatly as your mother did.”

Adam looked bewildered. “But she never met Hoss.”

She winced inwardly at her error. Lydia realized his story was a bit more complicated than she previously thought and quickly recovered from her mistake. “I know, darling, but she watches you both from heaven.”

“Oh,” he accepted her answer. “Anything else?”

Disappointment covered his face and she longed for a way to give him what he wanted, what he needed. An idea came to her. “Adam, you must go now. Victor will be angry with us both. But if you come back tomorrow, we will continue and I will tell you everything you want to know.” She bought herself some time. In talking to the townspeople, maybe she could elicit some information about the Cartwright family. She was an expert at extracting information without people ever catching on.

A bit disheartened, but still hopeful at the promise of tomorrow, Adam rode back home. Lost in his thoughts and concentrating on the small pieces of information Lydia gave him about his mother, he did not notice the thunderous look on Ben’s face as he rode into the yard.

“And just where have you been, young man?” he growled. “You’re getting into a bad habit of running off lately.”

Usually quick with an excuse, Adam was uncharacteristically dumfounded and did not reply.

“Well? I’m waiting.” His father’s eyebrows were knit in anger but he was taken aback by his son’s lack of response. Adam had been acting strange since the incident in the barn two days ago. Although always reserved, the boy’s behavior was almost introverted. He had kept his word and treated Marie respectfully, but something was amiss and Ben vowed to get to the bottom of it.

Letting go of his anger at the boy’s disappearance, he guided Adam into the barn and sat him on a bale of hay. Ben sat down beside him and said, “Look at me, son.” Adam raised his face slightly, but could not meet his eyes. Taking Adam’s chin into his hand, he lifted his son’s face upwards, but the boy still would not lift his eyes.

“Adam, can you tell me what’s been bothering you? I know it’s been an adjustment for you with Marie and all, but I think if you just gave her a chance, you’d grow to love her.”

Adam’s eyelashes fluttered and his face reddened. The lump in his throat was too big; he just couldn’t say the words that were in his heart.

“Son?” Ben’s voice was gentle. “Son, I can’t solve the problem if you don’t tell me what it is.” He knew he couldn’t push too hard – that would make Adam dig his heels in all the more. He had never been one to share his emotions, even as a toddler.

Adam didn’t move. Half of him wanted his father to just leave him alone and the other half wanted his father to hold him and never let go. His heart was thumping and he could feel the tears threatening to spill over, but he reached down deep and willed them to stay put.

“Adam? You can trust me, boy. I promise you, Marie will make a fine Ma,” he stated, then decided to add, “just like Inger.”

Adam’s head jerked up and for the first time that day, he stared into his Pa’s brown eyes and searched for an answer.

“But what about my real Ma? Was she a fine Ma too?”

Ben was totally taken aback, both by the questions and the expression on Adam’s face. It was almost as if he was daring Ben to answer. But like his son, words failed him. The wound was ten years old, yet still hadn’t healed. How could he tell the child that his mother had never even held him, she’d been too weak to do more than stroke his tiny hand? Ben shook his head sadly and answered, “I just can’t talk about her. I think you’re old enough to understand that.” Ben didn’t see a little boy next to him, he saw his traveling companion, his confidante, who could ride and rope like an old ranch hand and tend to his baby brother’s needs like a mother. He’d been forced to leave his childhood behind at an early age, and sometimes Ben forgot he was only ten years old.

Adam shook his head slowly and murmured so softly that Ben had to lean towards him to hear, “Yeah, I understand.” He rose from the hay bale and walked to the house, trying to quiet the pounding in his head. No, I don’t understand, I don’t understand how Marie could be like Inger. And I don’t understand why I can’t know about my Ma! He wanted to shout those words, but instead tasted blood as he bit his bottom lip to keep from screaming the words aloud.

His thoughts swirling, he ran up the stairs, passing Marie and Hoss in the main room.

“Adam?” He froze on the top landing. He gazed down at Marie, sitting on the settee with Hoss curled up next to her. She was reading Hoss’ favorite story, the one Adam always read to him.

“Adam, Mama’s readin’ ta me. Do ya wanna hear the story too?” Hoss asked innocently.

It was all too much for Adam to take in. He supposed Hoss didn’t need him anymore. Sure, Marie could replace Adam in his little brother’s eyes. And maybe Marie could replace Inger. And he guessed Inger replaced his real Ma. Soon Marie would probably have a baby and that would replace Adam! His head swam with jumbled relationships and he ran to his room, slamming the door and bolting it behind him. All alone, his tears finally fell.

Adam heard a soft rap on his door. Knowing he’d be in trouble if he didn’t answer, he opened the door and was surprised to see Marie holding a tray. He’d lost track of the time, but figured he’d missed dinner.

“I thought you’d be hungry. I brought you a sandwich and some milk.” Placing it on his desk, she motioned for him to sit. “Are you all right? Your father is very worried.” It was obvious he had been crying and she longed to touch his face, but knew she’d be rebuffed.

“I-I’m fine.” He was hungry, but didn’t want to be impolite and eat in front of her. He felt awkward and unsure, not quite knowing how to react to her kindness.

“Would you like to tell me what’s bothering you? Sometimes talking things out with someone who is…”she searched for the right words, “not so close to you, can help.”

His eyes found hers for a brief moment, but he looked away quickly. He wouldn’t let himself care for her – she was the reason he was so miserable, right? He wasn’t so sure anymore; in fact he wasn’t sure of anything. He did know that he didn’t want to care for her, didn’t want to care for anyone. Marie could see he was battling emotions and hoped this might be the beginning of a friendship between them. But before she barely finished her thought, his barrier slipped back into place and they were like two strangers.

He shook his head no, evoking a deep sigh from his stepmother. She had been so close. “Okay then. I’ll be up later for the tray.” When she returned within the hour, she found the food untouched and a fully clothed Adam sound asleep.

The fire lit up the campsite as Victor counted the day’s earnings from the carnival.

“Not too bad,” he said with a slight grin, but never told the others the exact amount. “My sister-in-law keeps our pockets warm, and for that,” he gave an exaggerated bow, “I thank her.”

Bernardo and Alex laughed, but Lydia just gazed into the fire. Alex put his arm around her. “My wife does not share our laughter.” He stared at her perfect profile and became serious. “It’s the boy, isn’t it? He reminds me of Rudolfo also.” He squeezed her and she smiled sadly at him.

Bernardo grunted, “Rudolfo is gone, we all must accept that. You will have another son, my brother.”

“No!” Lydia’s voice was far from calm as she shook her head forcefully. “No. I need a son now, I will not wait.”

Alex shrugged, “But how can we have a son now, today? It is impossible.”

Lydia’s face became serene, as she whispered, “No, it is not impossible. I want that little boy, Adam, to be my son.”

The three men looked at her as if she’d lost her mind. Her lips turned up as she assured them all, “When we break camp tomorrow night, Adam Cartwright will leave with us. I will have my son.”

Riding astride old Brownie, Adam congratulated himself for his ingenuity. Leaving before facing Pa meant he wouldn’t have to lie about not leaving the ranch. If there was one thing that made Pa madder than anything else, it was being lied to. The boy knew full well he’d be punished for running off again, but felt his father might be a bit more lenient once he understood the reason. If Lydia could tell him about his Ma, then his Pa wouldn’t have to talk about her. To Adam’s logical way of thinking, he was actually doing Ben a favor.

Ready for Adam, Lydia had gone over her plan at least a hundred times in her mind. She would make the boy happy, be the mother that he so obviously craved. After speaking to several people who knew the Cartwrights, she had garnered enough information to lead the boy away from his family. True, he might be hurt in the process, but time and her love would heal him, she was sure.

“There you are! I’ve been waiting for you!” she restrained herself from running to him.

“Hi!” he answered breathlessly. “Is Victor here?” Adam was still afraid of Victor.

“No, it is only the two of us. Come now, sit at the table and we will begin.” She smoothed her skirt and gazed into the crystal ball. Her hands revolved around the ball, nearly hypnotizing the child.

“I see you mother, a beautiful woman from very far away, to the East.” Adam’s mouth dropped open. “Her name was Elizabeth, your mother.”

“Did she love me? Was she happy I was born?” Adam couldn’t constrain himself, he had to know.

Lydia closed her eyes and lied, “Adam, she died. She never even knew you were born.”

He gulped. He always thought she at least knew about him. Pa should have told him.

“I see another mother, with yellow hair, a strong woman.”

“Mama! Her name was Inger!”

Keeping her face serious, Lydia continued, “Yes, she had a son, Hoss. She loved him so much, was so sad to leave him.

“Was she sad to leave me too?” he interrupted, a bit afraid of her answer.

Lydia hesitated. She really didn’t want to hurt him but didn’t know any other way. “Adam, maybe we should stop now.”

“Why?” He thought for a moment and stated softly, “She w-wasn’t sad to leave me, was she?”

“Oh darling. I’m so sorry. The crystal ball tells me she loved only one son, a yellow haired baby.”

He could hear his heart beating in his ears, the noise was deafening, but he nodded at her to continue. Why was it suddenly so hot in the tent?

“Are you sure? I don’t want you to be sad.”

Too late, he wanted to say, but instead he croaked out, “I-I’m all right.”

“Hmmmm. Now there is another mother, very young, very pretty. She makes your father very happy. She will give him many sons.”

Adam was afraid to look up, lest she see the tears he was holding back. “Sons? What-what about Hoss?” His brother’s welfare was always his first priority; he couldn’t bear to think of Marie not caring for Hoss. Everyone loved Hoss, he was so easy to love.

“You are such a good big brother. Yes, she loves this child. They both are fair, so he is like her own.”

“B-but, I got dark h-hair,” he stammered.

“It is true.” Her heart was breaking for the child, and she almost lost her resolve. Then she spotted Alex peeking through the tent flap. He nodded to her in encouragement, for he only wanted to make his beautiful wife happy.

Determined not to show the despair he felt, Adam’s tears vanished as quickly as they had appeared. Her words were like a knife in his heart and he felt a pain in his chest he couldn’t explain. He had been right, no one loved him. But wait, what about Pa? He brought him all the way out west, took care of him when he got sick – maybe he loved him.

“My-my Pa, do you s-see him in there?” He gestured weakly to the ball, daring not to hope. He tugged at the collar of this shirt. It was so hot he was having trouble breathing.

“Yes I do. I see him as he is now, with his arms around his wife and holding your little brother. They are all laughing, making plans to change your room to a nursery.”

Adam couldn’t endure it a moment longer. He scrambled out of the tent, nearly falling, and ran through the crowds. They all hated him; they couldn’t wait till he left. His little face contorted in an agony of fresh tears, realizing he could never return home again.

Lydia ran after him – he was unusually fast for a child. When she reached him, she placed her hand on her heart and panted out, “Adam – wait – you – didn’t – let – me – finish.”

“I don’t w-wanna hear no more!” His voice was shrill and frightened, and she silently begged her God for forgiveness.

“You must listen to me. I saw more, much more. The crystal ball showed you smiling and happy, living with a new mama who loves you more than anyone else.”

Adam couldn’t speak, wouldn’t speak. The hurt was too great.

Lydia placed both hands on his trembling shoulders and spun him around to look at her. “You must listen to me!” She repeated, only louder. “There is someone who wants you as a son, who will care for you and love you! You must believe me!”

He looked up at her, eyes hard and cold, disbelieving. “Yeah, who? Who-who could love me?”

“The woman in the crystal ball was me. Do you understand me, Adam? I want you to be my son. It is meant to be. I promise I will love you forever and you will never be hurt again. I promise.” Her voice was low and sweet. She pulled him into her arms and held him close. Although he did not return the embrace, he did not resist it either. She caressed his hair and rubbed his back, but he was in shock from all he’d heard. Adam was still too dazed to notice that he was being led back to the campsite and onto their wagon. He was vaguely aware of the wagon moving rapidly away from town, but didn’t wonder where he was going. It made no difference to him. Nothing mattered anymore.

Hoss slammed the door behind him, “Nope. He’s not in the barn. Can’t find Brownie neither.”

Marie looked at her husband over the boy’s head, and their eyes locked in fear.

“When was the last time you saw him?” Ben’s voice was gentle as he questioned Hoss, who merely shrugged. “Last night, I think. Don’t ‘member.”

“He wasn’t at breakfast – I thought he’d gone with you,” Marie had tears in her eyes.

“I left before sun up, I figured he was still sleeping.” Ben rubbed his forehead, trying to chase away his fears for his eldest. “Good God, you don’t suppose he’s run away? I mean, I know he was upset…” his voice trailed off, his eyes vacant.

“Upset? About me?” The guilt Marie was experiencing fueled her imagination, and her fears began to take over.

“No, no.” Ben reassured her. “It was me, my fault. He asked me about Elizabeth, questions.” He looked to her for reassurance, and she nodded. “I couldn’t talk about her, thought he’d understood.”

Hoss looked up at them with apprehensive eyes, “Who’s ‘Lizabeth? Is that who you was talkin’ about at the pic-a-nic?” They both turned toward him.

“You heard us talking about Elizabeth?” Ben choked out the words.

“Uh huh, but Adam tol’ me it weren’t nobody important.”

Both adults shut their eyes, frantically trying to recall their conversation on Adam’s birthday.

“Oh Ben, Adam’s just a little boy, don’t you see? I know you say you can’t talk about her, but it’s not fair. He needs to know about her.” Marie didn’t want to hurt her husband, but felt for Adam’s sake she had to make Ben understand. “He’s scared, anyone can see that – just look in his eyes. He tries so hard not to show it, but he’s only ten years old! He’s had to be an adult for so long that when he acts like a child, we expect him to behave as an adult.”

Ben closed his eyes, wanting to shut out the truth of her words.

“I haven’t been very fair to him, have I?” His voice was soft and without emotion.

“Oh darling, you’ve done your best. He’s a wonderful child, smart, responsible, resourceful, and I know he loves you very very much. But no, your haven’t been fair to him as far as his mother is concerned.”

Too frightened to speak, Hoss wondered who his parents were talking about. The door opened, startling him, and Jake rushed over to Ben.

“Found Brownie tied up outside of town, near those tents,” he saw the hope in his boss’s eyes and hated to continue, “No sign of Adam, though.”

Ben shook his head in bewilderment. “What about the tents? Did you ask around?”

“Most of ‘em are pulled up, gone. One fella thought he saw a kid with dark hair wanderin’ around, but said he belonged to that fortuneteller lady.” Jake threw up his hands, unsure of what to do next.

“Where could he be? He’d never leave Brownie. I mean, if he was running away, why would he leave his pony?” Ben asked to no one in particular.

“Maybe he went swimmin’,” offered Hoss hopefully.

Marie’s hand flew to her mouth. “Oh Ben…”she could not finish her thought.

Ben stood. “Jake, tell the men to get some fresh horses and keep on searching. I’ll ride down to the stream and look.” Jake ran out. Placing his hand on Hoss’ head, he nodded to Marie.

“I’ll come too,” she said, but her husband motioned his head toward Hoss and shrugged his shoulders. “Try not to worry. I’ll bring him back,” he promised what was left of his family.

As soon as Marie heard the horses gallop off, she half carried, half-dragged Hoss into the barn and hitched the buckboard.

“Where we goin’ Mama?” Hoss couldn’t keep the fright out of his voice.

“Well darling, first I’m going to bring you to Mrs. O’Keefe for a little visit, then Mama is going to help your Pa find Adam.”

Ben led his horse toward the water. He followed it downstream, beginning from near where Brownie had been tethered. The sun was nearly gone. That and the tears clouding his eyes made it nearly impossible to pick out anything in or near the water. Never before had Ben Cartwright prayed so fervently. He searched but was afraid of what he might find. If something happened to Adam, he didn’t think he could go on. In the distance he heard the clickety-clack of wheels on the rocky surface, and was stunned to see Marie close behind him, traveling way too fast.

“What the…? What are you doing here?” His voice wasn’t angry, just surprised.

“Helping you search for our son,” her tone left no room for argument, and Ben sighed.

“It’s getting too dark, can’t see anything now,” Ben explained.

Marie took charge. “Then we’ll camp here and leave at first light. We will find him, Ben, I know we will.”

Lydia and her companions pushed their wagon on despite the darkness. She could tell by the set of her brother-in-law Victor’s jaw that he was not pleased, but she didn’t care. She earned the money, she had the “gift”, so she knew he would have to check his anger if he wanted his purse kept full.

“We should stop. The horses are tired, it is too dark,” complained Bernardo, but she dismissed his words with a wave of his hand. Alex glanced over to Adam, who was seated between Lydia and himself. The boy’s face was deathly pale; he stared straight ahead, his eyes glazed. He hadn’t spoken since they left the carnival area and Alex was worried, both for the child and his beloved wife. She burned with the desire to make this boy her own, their own, and deep down inside, Alex felt no good would come of it. This obsession wasn’t right, but he was powerless to stop it.

Two days had passed, and not a word was uttered from Adam’s lips. He refused any food and barely drank any water. The men were losing patience with him. Lydia seemed to be getting more desperate with each passing mile, trying to cajole the boy into accepting his new life.

“Rudolfo, I mean Adam, you must eat something, darling. Your mama has made you your favorite, fish stew. Please, take some now,” she implored, but Adam shook his head no. He’d never even tasted fish stew, how could that be his favorite? Although his mind was clouded with hurt, little by little some of the things Lydia told him just didn’t make sense. For one thing, she kept calling him Rudolfo instead of Adam. He wanted to tell her his name was Adam, maybe she’d forgotten, but the words just wouldn’t come out. His stomach grumbled constantly, but the lump in his throat was so big he knew he couldn’t swallow.

Bernardo pulled Adam from his seat and held him in the air by his shirt. The boy’s vacant eyes haunted him; he wanted to evoke some reaction, any reaction, so he shook him violently.

“Bernardo! Stop it!” Lydia screamed. Adam’s arms hung at his sides. He willed them to push away from the man, but they wouldn’t work.

“No! He is not right. Perhaps this will wake him from his sleep!” Bernardo slapped the boy across the face hard, sending him flying through the air until he landed with a thud. Blood spouted from his broken lip.

“Rudolfo, are you all right?” She rushed to his side, dabbing at the blood.

“Lydia, please,” Alex pleaded with her. “It is not working. He is not Rudolfo. Don’t you see, darling? He needs to be with his own family.”

“I am his family,” she stated in no uncertain terms and strode away from the group angrily, pulling Adam behind her.

She didn’t hear her husband whisper, “And what am I?”

As the sun rose on the third day, Ben was beside himself. He couldn’t eat or sleep. When they camped, he paced endlessly. Although he never voiced his feelings aloud, he sometimes wished Marie had stayed at the Ponderosa so he could move faster, cover more territory. He couldn’t, wouldn’t accept his worst fear that his eldest son was lying dead somewhere, or maybe even hurt, helpless and alone. Ben’s guilt was overwhelming and Marie was powerless to help him. She hoped that her presence would keep him from doing anything rash, as she too was beginning to lose hope

“There’s a town a couple of hours ride from here. Maybe somebody saw him,” Ben was grasping at straws and they both knew it.

“We’ll find him, Ben,” she tried to assure him, but even to her own ears the words sounded hollow.

The town was small and dusty, with a few clapboard buildings strung together to form a main street. Ben inquired in the saloon while Marie visited the trading post. They met back at the wagon with no more information that they’d had before. Ben rubbed his forehead, fearing he would start sobbing right there in the middle of town. Adam had disappeared off the face of the earth. How? Why? Ben must have asked himself those questions a million times, the blame always arriving at his own feet.

A short man with a bushy beard approached the Cartwrights. He’d been having a beer at the bar and overheard Ben asking about a kid. Looked like a good opportunity to make some easy money.

“Hey mister, heard ya askin’ about a kid,” he began, spitting a large wad of tobacco not too far from Ben’s boots.

Ben turned to him, grabbing his shirt with both hands, and muttered between clenched teeth, “If you know anything, mister, you’d better say it quick.”

The man, surprised at the ferocity of Ben’s words, tried to back off from his grip, but found it impossible to do so. This guy’s crazy, he thought to himself, and looked up at the woman in the wagon. She at least appeared normal to him.

“Take it easy, take it easy. Yeah, I think I remember seein’ a kid ‘round here, but I ain’t so sure now,” he stepped backwards as Ben loosened his grip.

“Yes, please, we are looking for our son,” Marie stepped in, not wanting Ben to frighten away the only lead they had. “When did you see him? Where? Please,” she pleaded, tears welling up in her green eyes. “Please.”

The man felt a pang of conscience, but it was only momentary. “You got money? It might help me remember, know what I mean?”

With that, Ben threw him to the ground, straddling the man’s chest with his knees. He leaned his full weight onto him. The man sputtered and coughed. “What the hell ya doin’?”

“Mister, I’ll say it one more time. If you know anything about my son, say it quick. It would feel real good to hurt you right now,” Ben shouted, his patience gone.

“All right, all right. Just git offa me.”

“Not till you tell me what you came to say.”

Marie spoke up, “We’ll pay you.” She dug in her bag and held up a coin. “Here.” She tossed it to the ground beside him.

“Glad someone’s got sense. Yeah, I seen a kid here, yesterday, sittin’ in the back of a wagon. Skinny, dark hair, kinda wavy. Looked right sickly, bloody lip. His Ma was takin’ real good care of him though.” The man hesitated as he tried to puzzle the situation out. “Ya said you’re his Ma and Pa? I dunno, thought they was his folks.”

A glimmer of hope was all Ben needed. However, he still didn’t let the man up. “Which way were they headed?” He prayed he’d get an answer.

“But one way in and one way outta town,” he pointed to the mountains.

By now, Marie was weeping outright, tears of relief mixed with new fears. He never liked to see a woman cry, so he added, “I’m sorry, lady. If I’d a known…but them three fellas looked awful mean, foreigners, all of ‘em. Ya know, there wuz a sign on the side of their wagon. Can’t read none, so don’t know what it said. Had a picture on it of a big old glass ball or somethin’ ” With that, Ben helped him up and fished in his pocket for another coin. It had to be Adam; it just had to be. The man hurried away, but stopped and turned after a few steps. “Ya know, the kid looked pretty sad, I dunno, like he lost his best friend or somethin’.”

Ben drove the horses hard. Marie clung to the seat to avoid being tossed out, but Ben didn’t notice. His jaw was set in a determined line. He knew he was close, he just knew it.

Sitting in the back of the old wagon, Adam stared into space. He could hear Alex and Lydia arguing up front, and now and then could hear Victor and Bernardo’s heated voices from astride their mounts. The heat and monotonous ride lulled him to sleep, just another opportunity for his nightmare to surface. The Indians were attacking and he was huddled in a corner, holding on to baby Hoss for dear life. His mama, Inger, was bravely shooting at the whooping attackers, but then his dream broke from its regular pattern. Beside Inger knelt Marie, shooting valiantly at the Indians. Adam tried to call out to them, but between the gun shots and screams of war and death, they didn’t hear him. An arrow found Inger, and she fell. The boy turned to Marie, who reassured him with a quick smile. But in that split second, an arrow pierced her chest and she too fell. Adam hugged Hoss all the tighter, praying his Pa would save them. Then he heard someone else pick up the rifle Marie had been using. It was another woman, a familiar woman. Before reloading the rifle, she turned to Adam and gently touched his cheek. He stared into eyes like in Pa’s picture, the eyes of his real Ma. The noise of the attack quieted, the Indians magically gone, and his dream moved as if in slow motion. A figure was coming towards them. The noise of approaching footsteps became louder and louder, almost unbearably so. Just as suddenly as it began, the noise ceased. He felt wild brown eyes upon him. Lydia. She cocked her rifle and aimed, blasting Elizabeth into a million pieces.

Adam sat up, panting. Sweat pouring down his face, he searched his surroundings in a panic. No sound escaped his lips, but his heart was pounding so loud he covered his ears in an attempt to shut it out. His stomach churned, and he leaned out the wagon and vomited. Sighing, he wiped his mouth on his sleeve and sat back, glad that no one had seen or heard him. His heart still beat wildly, and he felt more alive than he had in days. The nightmare had woken him up in more ways than one. Overwhelmed with the burning desire to go home, he didn’t care if he never learned anything about his real ma. He’d go back to the Ponderosa, and if his Pa would let him, he could work the ranch, maybe live in the bunkhouse. This way at least he’d be able to see Hoss and Pa, both of whom he missed sorely. He admitted to himself that he even missed Marie and her fussy, feminine way of doing things. Thoughts collided in his head and he wondered what he would do if his Pa turned him away, hated him. There was always Grandfather Stoddard in Boston, he supposed. But he figured he’d cross that bridge when he came to it. Right now he had to find a way to escape.

The chance came sooner than he expected. Because they were all fighting among themselves, Lydia and her family paid no attention to the child, who silently hopped from the moving wagon. Landing on his feet, he rolled into a ball and tumbled down an embankment until he came to a halt in some tall reeds. He hid there, not moving a muscle, until he sensed they were out of sight. His clothes were dirty and torn from his fall, bloodied by some cuts, but he didn’t notice. The child began walking in the opposite direction, staying clear of the road and keeping alert for the sound of a wagon.

“Ben, it’s getting dark. You’re going to kill the horses and us, what good would we be to Adam and Hoss then?” Marie pointed out, trying to keep the fright from her voice. Her husband had been driving like a madman, and she had kept her eyes shut for a good part of the journey.

“Marie, I can feel it. I know we’re close,” Ben was stubborn. He wasn’t about to stop.

If the situation hadn’t been so serious, Marie would have reminded him that he wasn’t a fortuneteller

“At least let the horses rest for a bit. They’re worn out.”

Ben knew she was right, but wouldn’t give in. Instead, he slowed the horses to a trot. “Better?”

She shrugged and nodded, “I guess so.” But then a strange noise interrupted the quiet of the surroundings. Ben pulled on the reins, and the wagon was still.

It sounded like a child crying.

“Adam!” Ben screamed.

Adam was angry with himself for being so weary. His feet were rebelling and his resolve was weakening. He couldn’t recall the last time he’d eaten or had more than a few hours of uninterrupted sleep.

I’ll just lie down for a minute, he thought. As soon as his head hit the cool damp grass, he was asleep. It took a while for his nightmare to return, but this time he was so exhausted, he didn’t rouse right away. It was like climbing out of a dark cave, dark and eerie. He could see the dim light at the end, but he couldn’t reach it, couldn’t wake up. He thought he heard voices calling to him, familiar voices. He had to wake up. He commanded his eyes to open, but they wouldn’t obey. The moans he heard sounded raspy and low, sounds from someone who hadn’t used his voice in a while. When Adam realized the sounds were his own, he tried to close his mouth. Lydia might hear and find him. Strong arms embraced him, holding him close. He struggled halfheartedly to break free, but was too weak. Besides, it felt good, like he belonged in those arms.

“Adam,” he heard his name. Was it the dream? The Indians were still attacking.

“Adam,” this time the voice was sweet and gentle, and he felt a light touch on his forehead. He had to warn her about the Indians, about Lydia…

“Adam, son,” this time the words were louder, more forceful. Had to get Hoss away before the Indians hurt him. But wait, that sounded like Pa. “Adam, wake up.”

“Pa?” he croaked. Unable to focus his eyesight at first, Adam squeezed his eyes tight then reopened them. The fuzzy image of Pa and Marie greeted him, and he was surprised to see tears running down their cheeks. The child reached out to touch the stubble on his father’s face, making sure he wasn’t still dreaming.

“Son,” was all Ben could choke out as he squeezed Adam hard. Marie knelt next to him, caressing the back of the child’s neck. He didn’t pull away and she was surprised but pleased. He turned to her and gave her a weak smile, holding his hand out to her. She took his grubby hand in hers, kissing his palm and holding it to her moist cheek.

The three stayed like that for a while, not wanting to break the spell. So engrossed in their joy, they did not immediately hear a wagon creaking to a stop. In the murky twilight, Ben made out the figures of three men and a woman. He stood slowly, still holding Adam, who had tensed at their sight. His dark eyes round with horror, he called out to Marie. “R-run, qu-quick…” His lower lip trembled and his father whispered in his ear, “Hush now, there’s nothing to be afraid of.” Marie continued holding his small hand in hers, squeezing it every now and again.

Lydia’s voice was shrill as she cried out out, “Rud—Adam. Come to your new Mama, please.”

He just buried his head deeper into his father’s shoulder.

“Who the hell are you?” Ben’s anger was mounting.

The three men were conspicuously silent as Lydia spoke again to Adam, ignoring Ben’s question, “Adam, darling, remember, those people don’t want you, don’t love you…”

At that, Ben took a menacing step toward the woman, but Marie placed a restraining hand on his arm.

“Listen, lady, I don’t know who you are or what you’re trying to do to my son, but know one thing. He is my son and I have always loved him, always will.”

“Yes, he is my son also,” Marie’s voice was clear and strong, “and I love him as well. I always will.” Adam raised his eyes toward her, and for the first time, Marie saw deep into the child’s heart. She saw the fears and doubts and anger and sorrow he tried so hard to keep hidden. She also saw the love that lay locked away from fear of hurt. And Adam saw in her eyes kindness and patience and intelligence and sweetness. He also saw the love that she so freely offered him.

“Lydia!” Alex spoke sternly. He had never spoken so sharply to his wife before, and she looked at him as though he’d slapped her. “Lydia,” he repeated a bit more gently. “He is not ours. Rudolfo is gone, we must accept that. It is wrong to take this child from his family. We were wrong.”

Alex took the weeping Lydia into his arms and led her back to the wagon. Victor and Bernardo hung their heads, embarrassed for themselves as well as for their sister-in-law. Before she climbed onto the wagon, Lydia faced Adam and said, “Adam, I am so sorry. What I told you about your family, about all of your mothers, was wrong. I lied, my darling. I lied. They all wanted very much to be your mother.” She waited for Adam to show her a sign, any sign of forgiveness, but there was none. “Adam, please believe me. I did not lie when I said I wanted to be your mother also. I would have loved you. I would have been a good mother to you.” With those words, Lydia and her family left.

Ben was still angry, struggling to keep his temper under control for his son’s sake. The boy had a death grip around his neck, which was highly unusual for him. He could feel Adam’s heart racing next to his, pumping faster and faster with each word from Lydia’s lips. His fear of being taken again was almost palpable, and Ben realized his first priority was to reassure the child. Ben Cartwright blew out his breath from between clenched teeth, letting his rage go. He had some fence mending to do, but wasn’t sure where to begin. He sat on the ground, Marie next to him, and pulled Adam into a sitting position on his lap.

Marie winked at her husband, encouraging him, and he found his courage to say, “Adam, I am so sorry that I didn’t realize how unhappy you were. I should have told you about Elizabeth – I mean, your Ma, a long time ago.” Ben began to recite stories about how he and Elizabeth first met, their wedding, their arguments and their laughter.. And in doing so, his own wounds began to heal. Marie and Adam listened intently, nodding now and then. When Ben hesitated a moment, Adam asked shyly, “Did-did she like me?”

Marie thought her heart would break in two at that question. Ben must have felt the same way, for he gathered his son into a warm embrace. “Now what kind of a question is that?” he asked hoarsely, afraid of breaking down. “Of course she did – she loved you! She wanted you more than anything in this world – chose your name way before you were born, don’t know how she knew you were a boy.” Ben took a deep breath and prayed for an inner strength as he continued. “Your Ma was sick, her heart was weak, so weak.” The tears in his eyes attested to the truth of his words. He cleared his throat. “She was so proud of you, was amazed at how long your fingers were.” Ben’s brown eyes penetrated Adam’s, “Son, you must believe me. You were – and are – the result of your mother’s and my dreams and love, our hope for the future, our bond between us. Nothing will ever change that. Nothing.”

Adam’s pinched face relaxed then, until he remembered something else Lydia had said, “But Pa, wh-what about Mama – I mean Hoss’ Ma?”

What had that fortuneteller done to his son? He’d certainly never doubted Inger’s love before. “Adam, you know how much Inger loved you. Why, I believe she fell in love with you before she ever gave me a second thought!” Adam’s lips curled up a tiny bit, remembering. He shifted in his father’s lap to face Marie, but didn’t raise his eyes to her.

“I-I’m sorry for bein’ so b-bad ta ya,” he peeked at her from beneath his long lashes. She placed her hands on either side of his face, forcing him to look at her.

“And I’m sorry for not being more patient. It’s not easy having someone new in the house, especially a woman in a house full of men.” She prayed she’d say the right words. She wanted this child’s love so badly. “Adam, let’s start over, you and I. Maybe we can be friends first, then maybe after a while, you’ll learn to love me as much as I love you. What do you say?”

Biting his bottom lip, he nodded his head timidly, reaching his arms out to her. “Ma?” he whispered. With tears of joy in her eyes, Marie gathered her son into her arms and held him, gently rocking until sleep overcame him.

After stopping at Mrs. O’Keefe’s to pick a very worried Hoss up, the Cartwright family returned home to the Ponderosa. Hoss was so excited to be with his brother, he clung to him and wouldn’t let go. Adam didn’t mind at all. It felt good – for a while, at least.

“Right to bed, boys,” instructed Marie, exhausted emotionally as well as physically.

“Adam, I need to speak to you before you turn in,” Ben called out. Adam slowly walked to Pa’s desk, wondering what was going on. Of course, Hoss was one step behind him, literally bumping into his big brother’s back when he stopped.

“Ow, watch where you’re goin’, willya?” Adam wasn’t really mad, but he was still sore from his tumble. He tousled Hoss’ hair and Hoss grinned.

“Hoss, Adam will be right up,” Pa dismissed the younger boy, who dejectedly stomped up the stairs.

“Y-yes, Pa,” Adam stammered.

Ben’s back was to him, studying something on the shelf behind his large desk. He picked up Elizabeth’s picture and handed it to Adam.

“This is yours now.” Adam took the frame solemnly and stared at the woman in the photograph. Next, Ben pulled something out from the bottom drawer and placed it in Adam’s hands. It was his Ma’s music box.

“B-but Pa,” Adam protested. “They belong to you.”

Ben shook his head. “No. Your mother would want you to have them.” Adam carefully placed the items on the desk and ran to his father, throwing his arms around him.

“Th-thank you, Pa. I’ll take real good care of ‘em, I swear!”

“I know you will, son. Now go on upstairs. I have a feeling you’re going to have company tonight,” he added with a twinkle in his eyes.

Halfway up the stairs, Adam turned to his father, “I love you, Pa!” He quickly ran up the remaining steps, leaving his Pa with a broad grin on his face.

Sure enough, Hoss was already sound asleep in Adam’s bed. Placing the picture and music box on the table beside his bed, Adam stared at both while he undressed quietly. His fingers traced the outline of his mother’s hair, then the cherubs on the box. He longed to open the box to hear the music play, but he glanced over at his little brother, who was smiling in his sleep. Adam hoped he was having a good dream – he prayed Hoss would never experience a nightmare. He climbed into bed, mindful not to wake his brother. Tonight he’d listen to the soft snores coming from his beloved little brother – that was music enough to his ears.

The End