“Hoss out with it, whatever it is gnawing away at you, let it go.”

Never before had Adam any difficulty talking things out with Hoss. His big brothers broad back was turned against him. Over the past few days it seemed as if Hoss’s back was somehow always turned that way.

He could see the tell tale signs as Hoss’s elbows jiggled and twitched, that he was twiddling with a shirt button or piece of straw or wood, or something. There were no slivers or chippings at his feet, therefore Adam knew his brother wasn’t whittling away. Which in itself gave the man cause for concern as that was his brothers sure fire way of sorting out his mind as well as adding to his many carvings. Most of which were given away on a whim or painstakingly wrapped in any pretty paper and then taken to the orphanage at Christmas time.

Inside the barn which was doubling as Hoss’s bedroom the two Cartwright brothers were sat opposite each other. The light was already growing gloomy. Hoss had made no effort to light the lamp. Maybe Adam thought he preferred this atmosphere, it suited very much his mood. The mood that he had been on him for days, which again was so unlike the big man. Adam though was in the mood for getting this fox out of the hen house. He stood and strode to the hanging lamp and lit it, turning it up, not too it’s full capacity just enough to cast a warm glow. Which he hoped would take the edge of the atmosphere.

Adam didn’t think that whatever was troubling his brother had anything to do with Little Joe. Although of course he was worried about Joe. They were both beside themselves with concern regarding their brother. The boy’s other injuries were healing nicely, though he still lay in a deep coma. Also they still had no word from Pa, but this was hardly a concern as the situation was self explanatory. After the recent storms telegraph poles had toppled like dominoes. They were both of the mind that Pa was now, because of Adam’s delay, well on his way to San Francisco to see to the lumber contract.

No, this brooding had only settled recently. Adam had no good reason and every reason to think it was directed at himself. Himself and more than possibly Etta. Though he couldn’t see why Hoss should take on about the relationship that was brewing.

Although on a much smaller scale the barn was not unalike the main barn on the Ponderosa. But then that could be said of most barns, there was not a great deal of difference from one to the other. Adam hope that maybe the familiarity of the aromas and sounds would prompt his big brother into disclosing whatever it was that had him closed in on himself. The barn on the Ponderosa being a favoured chosen spot for many conversations and confessions.

Thinking on the lines of, if the mountain won’t go to Mohammed, Mohammed must go to the mountain. Adam walked toward the human obstacle and placed a hand on his brothers shoulder. Hoss’s muscles immediately tensed at Adam’s touch. Further proof, if it was needed, that there was something festering between the two men. Adam Cartwright was, of all things a patient man.

“Hoss, why do l feel the need to tread on eggshells around you? What is the problem?”

“Aint no problem as such,” Hoss neither turned to face his brother or raise his head. The words were buried in the mountains chest. Adam thought that if Pa had been there he would have rebuked Hoss ‘we don’t mumble when we talk to each other’ words used more often toward Little Joe. He thought to let that pass.

“What exactly does that mean? Either there is a problem or there isn’t, you can’t have it both ways,” this was met with a stony silence, “come on brother, as Pa would say…” unbeknown to him Adam had touched a raw nerve. Jumping upright Hoss swung round to face his elder brother, his fists clenched, he took one step forward. Adam startled by Hoss’s outburst, he too leapt to his feet and backed away. He raised his arms in a half gesture of surrender.

“Yer leave Pa outa this,” Hoss flashed a look of simmering anger.

Adam was wary. The wrong side of his brothers anger was a place he had been before. A place he wouldn’t recommend to anyone. It pleased him though that he had managed to glean some response. Whether he was nearer to the problem remained to be seen. He decided to push a little deeper. He couldn’t stop now. He could back off and leave Hoss to sort himself out. He happily had gone days without verbal contact with his younger brother. The picture of Joe still laying in a coma flashed across his mind. He pushed it away. But this was Hoss, he had always been able to resolve any differences or conflicts straight out, few though they had been.

“l suggest you sit down and tell me just what ‘this’ is that l have to keep Pa out of?”

Hoss did as he was asked. If looks could kill Adam would be wise to have already made out his last will and testament. The blue eyes pierced out from beneath his heavy furrowed brow, as his lips one moment pursed in anger and the next sucked inward as he took it in turn to chew on a piece of each jaw.

“How can yer keep Pa out of it, yer can’t can yer?”

Completely misunderstanding Hoss’s stream of thought. Thinking that he was referring to the decision they had taken to travel the old trail. A decision that even though he was in agreement with, this decision had left their brother comatose. His life still tenuously held in the grip of the reaper.

“Hoss, l take full responsibility. If l had been firmer and stood by my convictions this would never have happened. l feel just the same as you brother,”

Hoss’s face blanched white with guilt. How could anything be more important than his little brother laying motionless in a strange bed. He longed for home the Ponderosa and Pa, but with what he knew now, how would, how could anything be the same.

“l aint talking ’bout Little Joe,”

The mere fact that Hoss had sat down on a bale of straw beside his floor bed signified to Adam that at least the big man was in the ‘mood’ to talk. Now Adam had more than an inkling as to what they were going to talk about.

“You’d cuff the kid for what you were doing,” Adam thought to start on a light-handed note. His brother’s look of guilt and indignation was somewhat comical.

“l weren’t listening. well not at first l weren’t,”

Adam was now of the opinion that it was going to be a long night. Keeping secrets was never a good idea and he had kept this one for over fifteen years. Why he had confided in Etta, even apart from his growing feelings for the woman, he had no idea.

Over the years he had known, loved and shared intimacy with a number of women. Never had he disclosed or released this secret. The secret that he had driven deep into his very being. There were times, days, weeks even, that he never thought about it. He never could totally forget it. But he had never shared it with a living soul until three days ago with Etta Tone. Why?

Now Hoss knew. His brother knew. How much he actually knew would not be possible to tell without having to reveal it all, everything. Would Hoss understand the enormity of the feelings that had pushed him from resentment, hate and jealousy, to passion, love and jealousy. For a brief moment anger swept through him. Anger toward his big brother for not having made his presence known. Then on reflection he was glad. Glad it was going to be out in the open.

Hoss, with his trusting nature. His uncluttered mind and clear, deceit free blue eyes. He owed it to his brother to tell him the truth. Not that he had ever lied about it. Now the brothers sat face to face, opposite each other on the bales of straw. Hoss leaning slightly forward his arms resting on his thighs. His hands clasped together as if in prayer. Adam sat upright his back resting against the wooden side wall of the barn. Arms crossed over his chest.

“Adam it weren’t that l wanted to hear yer’s, but you an Miss Etta, yer kinda getting close. An l didn’t know yer were on the porch. l jest been to the… yer know, an l guess l jest caught the middle of things …”

Adam remembered the evening in question. He and Etta had walked through the meadow and back. They had stopped at the small grave. He had made to step back allowing her a private moment. She had clung to his arm not wanting to let go. She wondered where the spring flowers had come from, he told her Hoss brought them every day. She said that made her feel guilty a little guilty as she never visited this place. She could not think of them laying cold in the ground. Her baby boy and the man Matthew Tone, she kept in a warm place in her heart.

She had told him then about Matthew Tone. She had been a wife to him and borne his son. She truly loved him, he was kind, patient and gentle. She had not been in love with him. She had needed him as a child needs a father. Needed him as a friend. She had never needed him as a lover. She had never known the passion of love, of hate yes, not of love, till now. He had held her close. Wrapped her in his arms and they had walked slowly back toward the house. Whether by accident or design they had stumbled. They had no reason to fall, but fall they did. Still in his arms he rolled over to place himself beneath her. To protect her from harm. There was no need. The meadow grass was long and thick and cushioned them. Their kiss had been tender and soft. An ember that lit the flame.

He had no doubt, that there and then they would have, could have made love. Entwined as they were, their bodies hot with the passion their fervent kisses were conducting. He had held back, remained in control. Though his body ached with an intensity that was unbearable. Maybe that was why he had to tell Etta his secret. He knew she had felt rejected. He knew she had to be told the reason. A reason that had little to do with her. But for one thing only.

And now he must tell Hoss…he hoped the telling would not be to the loss of a brother’s love and a friendship.