“You mean you didn’t stay for the finale?” Adam quipped lightheartedly, though his heart was far from light. Boyishly Hoss grinned, Adam returned a tight smile. His big brothers face reddening with embarrassment.“Yer mixing me with shortshanks aint ya?” Adam shook his head, his smile spreading allowing his cheeks to dimple.“l swear big brother you are part injun. What did you do?” Hoss dipped his head to disguise his feeling of foolishment.“Went back to the outhouse for a spell.” Their soft laughter blended with the equine noises. They both guffawed like schoolboys when Chubb loudly broke wind and both Sport and Cochise snorted their annoyance.“Like horse like rider.” Adam received the thud of a size fifteen boot against his size elevens. They were once more comfortable in each others company. The warmth of the day hung onto the interior of the barn. The familiar sounds of the animals chomping their evening meal added to the ambiance. “what exactly did you hear?” Adam now had a great need to get everything out in the open.

“l heard enough, but not enough ta settle my mind.” Adam waited he felt there was more to come. “how could yer Adam? …how could yer do that to Pa?” Hoss’s question confirmed to Adam the truth of his brothers words. Hoss had not heard enough, and that now was as good a time as any to bury the skeleton in the cupboard.

“Hoss l did nothing to disrespect Pa, nothing,” Adam leaned forward, as if adopting the same position as his brothers would underline his assertion.

“But yer said yer loved her?”

“l did brother. l loved Marie very much. She was a good mother.”

“But that aint like you were saying it ter Miss Etta were it, you were saying you…that…”

“That l loved her as a woman. Yes Hoss, and l despised myself for those feelings.”

The look of incomprehension and confusion on Hoss’s open round face took Adam’s mind back. Back to the day Pa came arrived from New Orleans with his new bride, mama Marie. The most beautiful woman I had ever seen. I hated her. Hated her open closeness with my father. Hated the way my little brother without any hesitation ran to her. Hated her French accent, French perfume and fine silken and satin gowns.

In my mind Pa had changed. Taken a young woman, half his age, closer to my age. Taken her into his life. She to become a mother to my little brother. The brother that always clung to me. The brother that needed me. The brother l held in my arms when his own ma died in front of me. He in his infancy knowing nothing. l had told him stories of his ma. Kept his ma with him. Now he had a new ma. She who was to be called mama. I even hated the name.

Even though I wasn’t yet thirteen I had been my fathers right hand. Shared his dreams. Discussed his problems. Planned for the future. For me all that now had gone.

Apparently now l was in the need of a mother. l felt as if l had been cast aside. l felt hurt, pain, anger, rejection and jealousy none of these feeling were directed at my father or brother. There was only one target for my feelings Mrs Marie Cartwright.

At first the physical side of Pa’s marriage meant nothing to me. But the ranch house wasn’t as large then. We lived on one floor. l shared a bedroom with Hoss which was next door to Pa’s bedroom. Hoss as alike now was a sound sleeper and even then he snored. Back then l was thankful for those wispy baby snores. I was not nor ever have been a sound sleeper. l am able to sleep anywhere any time, but never deeply or soundly. l have always put it down to the travelling. I had developed a kind of sixth sense which kept me alert at times when l felt most vulnerable, in the dead of night. To compensate for this alarm system l could and did sleep sitting beside Pa on the wagon seat. Sitting upright or leaning against my fathers shoulder l would sleep for short bursts and always awake totally refreshed.

Even Hoss’s baby snores did nothing to mask the noises that awoke me most nights. Noises that at first l found annoying, then disgusting. But with the inquisitiveness of a youth becoming a man and natures changes to my own body, my feelings of arousal turned me even more against this woman. These feelings l found that l enjoyed and yet made me feel shameful, guilty. These feelings that l could not control and which l regarded as a weakness.

Within the year Little Joe was born. It was after his birth that my feelings for mama Marie did a complete turn about. So besotted she was for baby Joe. She had much love to give as a mother not just to this new baby but also to Hoss. l could never allow myself to become her son or see her as my mother. Her love, care and kindness for my brothers, watching her tenderness with them slowly overcame my previous animosity. I became to realise that my anger and hatred was not her fault In my arrogance l was prepared to forgive her. But what was there to forgive, nothing. I went out of my way to make amends, to adjust the situation.

Pa of course was well aware that all was not right between Marie and myself, he did not force his opinions on me. I know now that Marie on many occasions swayed him. Especially when my offhandedness was sometimes tantamount to rudeness. Finally an acceptance of each other made for an easier and less stressful atmosphere. But now the tension moved and settled elsewhere.

The sounds coming from the bedroom were raised voices in anger not love. Muffled harsh words of betrayal and deceit. Once more l was turned around in confusion. My previous feelings of anger and jealousy were turned now toward my father. What reason had he for this treatment of his wife almost every night harsh voices. Banging of furniture and doors. The crash of broken china and glass. Even Hoss would wake startled out of his slumber and creep in beside me. It was only Little Joe’s cries that brought these arguments to a close.

I wished now that Pa’s trips away would become longer and more often. I even began to think that it was my fault. My becoming fond of Marie was the cause of such dissent. This time l distanced myself from both Pa and mama. Taking much more interest in my studies. I was already a dedicated student and the likelihood of my gaining the necessary results to attend college was a certainty.

For a while things lapsed into a degree of normality. Mama became even more attentive and loving to her children. The arguments with Pa ceased they became once more a loving couple. Even that didn’t sit well with me. The bedtime noises again taking on the sighs and moans of lovers. The urges of youth overcame me and many nights l crept into the barn to sleep. Returning in the early hours the sleeping household none the wiser.

Hop Sing, had only been with us for just over a year. l suspected he was aware of my midnight search for a peaceful sleep. Proving my point he suggested that the small storeroom beside the kitchen, and thankfully well away from the bedrooms be enlarged for my use as a study and sleeping area. Freeing my bedroom for Hoss to share with Little Joe. It was agreed upon, and Little Joe’s baby crib was moved into my old bedroom.

Even though l could no longer hear the sounds of passion my mind knew no rest. The female form was fast becoming a rival to my studies. My mind continued to wander and wonder.

Healthy or otherwise my obsession with Marie was overpowering. I did everything l could to keep to my own company and threw myself into my studies and ranch chores one task to tire my mind the other to tire my body. Knowing that my rescue was in my own hands, at least four years away at college would be the saving of me.

It was when Pa was once more away on a cattle drive. l began to put two and two together. Hop Sing too was gone. It was a big drive and he was needed to cook for the hands.

Sheriff Coffee’s wife Mary, whom we always called Aunty Mary was minding Little Joe, A task she was always more than happy to do, she loved Little Joe and Hoss and treated them as her own. This allowed mama some time to herself. Hoss and l were attending school. I often had further tutorship after the regular school hours. I would walk Hoss to Aunty Mary where she always had a meal prepared. She loved to bake and Hoss loved to eat. Little Joe would be playing on the floor, either indoors or out. He was such a scamp that Roy had devised a wooden, barred, roofless frame. We laughed as it was pretty much like a jail cell in Roy’s office but with no roof. He would put Little Joe in or place it over the top of the kid, it was fine until Little Joe was up an running, and, yes also climbing it didn’t take long for Joe escape. Even when Roy lengthened the bars. Aunty Mary used to get a more than cross with her husband. Telling him that didn’t he have enough prisoners to look after and not to be making one of the child.

In fact it was not unknown for Little Joe, Hoss and l to stay over with the Coffee’s during the school week., returning to the Ponderosa at the weekends.

Mary Coffee and Marie Cartwright had become firm friends. Possibly because they both moved to Nevada at around the same time and that their husbands had also become friends. Mary and Roy Coffee had no children of their own. She had in fact given birth to a boy. It had been a difficult pregnancy and when the child was born it was found that the damage done to her womb was beyond repair. She survived the birth but would never be able to have another child. That then the baby boy, whom they had also named Joseph had died in infancy was a cruel blow to the Coffee’s. Therefore when the position for a town sheriff in Virginian City became available, far away from sad memories, they both jumped at the chance.

It as on one of these stays over in town that I first saw mama Marie with a man unknown to me. It was clear however that he was very well known to her. Escorting her to a carriage, before he snapped the reins to urge the pony forward l was certain that their heads and bodies were closer than was considered respectable for a married woman and a male other than her husband.

My interest being piqued l took it upon myself to find out about the flamboyantly dressed stranger. Over the five weeks that it took Pa to drive the cattle and return. Mama and the stranger, a fancy gambler from New Orleans, name of Jacques La Roi met on several occasions. The Virginia City gossips were having a whale of a time. Especially after mama and the gentleman gambler had openly dined at the International House, the fancy new Hotel that had it’s own restaurant and bar. Which was also where said gambler happened to have a room. This according to the chin wagers was the next thing to adultery. I even heard Aunt Mary and mama talking in loud, hushed tones. Trying hard to keep their voices low. Mary Coffee was above all an Irish born woman with a temper, though seldom used to match her flame red hair, which was as fiery and passionate as mama’s. Noticing my approach the subject they had been heatedly discussing was dropped. l had no doubt at all, by the look of anger on Aunty Mary’s face and the brief flash of guilt in mama’s eyes, as to what or who the topic of their conversation was about.

It wasn’t long after Pa’s return that the arguments began again. This time l well understood my father’s anger. One evening his wrath was so fierce. Barely under his control. He stormed out of the house not returning till early dawn. Fortunately Hoss and baby Joe were sleeping. I sat in the sanctuary of my bedroom, but even so Marie’s sobbing cut through me leaving me aching with pity for her plight. Hop Sing too felt the woman’s wretchedness. Silently he administered to her needs with herbal teas and nips of brandy. Even after l was ushered to bed l knew she was still huddled beside the fire.

Pa was missing for nearly three days. My mind was in torment l felt that my body was being wrenched in two. Mama, her own jailer remained a prisoner in her bedroom. My paralysing fear, terror was that Pa would find this man, the long haired gambler, and that we would never more see him. He would be gone from us forever. He would end his days breaking rocks in the Yuma Penitentiary or worse yet, be choked to death at the end of a rope.