The book was open in front of her. She paid it no attention. Her mind was a labyrinth of confusion and contradiction..Adam had feelings for her that she knew. The other evening in the meadow he felt the same as she. Surely he couldn’t have made her feel the way she did if he felt nothing but the same. She had not wanted those feelings to stop. She had never experienced such an overwhelming, throbbing, ache through her body. A longing not just to give of herself but also the desire to pleasure. She had loved Matthew Tone and been to him as a wife. For her there was no joy, pleasure or passion in the union. Matthew had been kind, tender, gentle treated her with respect and loved her. Those moments in the meadow with Adam had left her yearning for more. And yet he had left her wanting. He had not wanted her. Even after his words. She glanced at the motionless body in the bed. After all those years was his heart still longing for the boys mother.
How could the only thing in her life, that had filled her with such an enormity of pleasure. Apart from the birth of her son. How could it not be. Joe’s body, the bed, the room, shimmered in the glow of brimming tears. Would she have to pay forever for the wrong, for the sin she committed.#####################Hoss’s pummelling of his brothers neck and shoulders seemed to Adam that he was smoothing away the weight of the confession. Finally Hoss patted a fleshy palm between his brothers shoulder blades. Giving Adam a hefty shove with his hip. Which almost dislodged the slighter man, he sat himself down on the same bale of straw.“Adam, can l ask ya something? Iffun you wanna tell me to keep my nose out…well OK.”Quizzically Adam stared at Hoss’s profile. He wondered after all he had told his brother why Hoss should think Adam would now tell him to butt out. He assumed that Hoss was querying something regarding the confession.“Sure go ahead.”“Well it’s two questions really…well l gets, l reckons…how you wuz kinda more than fond of mama. But after everything, an all that stuff that happened and what she said about you and Pa. How do yer think of her now?”Adam took some time to collect his thoughts. He appeared to be mesmerized with his brothers fingers. Watching Hoss meticulously, painstakingly pick at his nails and then give very close inspection to his hands and palms. His brother always had his own way of saying things.

“Let me ask you a question first? With what l have told you. How do you now feel about mama?”

Hoss still kept his face turned away from his brother. Adam didn’t need to see that face to know what thoughts were tumbling through his brothers mind. He could tell by the characteristic chewing and sucking of his jaw and lips. First one side and then the other. Hoss’s words came as no surprise.

“Marie was a good mama to me and shortshanks. I reckon aint nothing gonna change that. I reckon you aint hardly gonna feel that way coz yer don’t see her as your mama.”

The soft sadness in Hoss’s voice brought a lump to Adam’s throat. Hoss’s big head was slumped down onto his chest.. This time it was Adam’s turn to give comfort. Adam’s long arm snaked across his brothers back. It was almost an impossibility to drag his big brother to him. Adam did the next best thing. He leaned into Hoss and rested his head against the side of his big brothers..

“I don’t see Marie as anything but that. The kid’s and your mama. She gave you both the sweetest and dearest love there is…a mother’s love.”

“Yer don’t think bad of her.” Adam knew those clear blue windows to the most caring soul the good Lord took it on himself to put in a man, were upon him. He turned his head to meet his brothers gaze.

“No brother, it is not in me to think badly of mama…apart from that troublesome offspring of hers.”

This brought a wry smile from Hoss, “How come with everything she said an all?” Hoss’s confusion was evident.

“It was something Pa said a few years ago…” Hoss’s confusion turned to alarm.

“Pa…yer mean Pa knows?”

“No Pa doesn’t know. You remember that time when that boxer fella beat up on Joe. You kinda evened things out.” Hoss nodded, a smirk flicked across his mouth. “Pa was more than fond of Adah Menken. In fact she could have been the fourth Mrs Cartwright. She didn’t want Pa. She wanted the man who battered the kid and who beat up on her.”

“Yeah, never did get my head around that somehow.” Hoss’s face was now puckered his brows furrowed in thought.

“For a long time that is how l felt about Marie. Pa’s words helped me. ‘She is a woman in love’” Hoss was struggling with the concept.

“Yer mean mama didn’t love Pa?”

“No l am sure she did love Pa. You must remember that yourself? How they were together.”

“Sure l do, but what about the other fella…she love him too?”

“In a way, he gave her back the excitement of her life in New Orleans. She was a lot younger than Pa. I guess she just wasn’t ready to settle down.” Hoss dwelt on his brothers words. “you said there were two questions?”Adam prompted him.

“l was wondering how come you told Miss Etta about all this stuff?” scratching at his cheek and then stroking his fingers over the area. Adam to be truthful didn’t know how to answer. Which is exactly what he told his brother. Also that he had upset Etta. Hoss was completely taken aback.

“What in tarnation Adam. What did you do to upset Miss Etta. That lady aint she gone done nothing but help?”

“It is more what l didn’t do brother. Something she was expecting me to do and, what is more, she wanted me to do.” Hoss scratched at his head trying to figure Adam’s words His initial puzzlement followed by a reddening face signified his understanding. “l had to give her an explanation. I didn’t want her to think that l didn’t care for her. One word led to another until l had told her everything…Hoss I think l have fallen in love with Etta.” Hoss’s voice was raised in disbelief.

“Yer only think? Don’t yer know? She sure is sweet as hell on you.”

Adam stared at the flicking tails of the four horses. For no other reason than they were in his line of vision. Why should he doubt his feelings?” It was as if his brother had read his mind.

“Yer thinking it’s just coz she looks so like Marie? Yer sorta like…sorta thinking like, l dunno yer wishing like it was Marie?”

“l don’t know Hoss…l just don’t know.”

“Well elder brother you just best find out. Coz l know Miss Etta’s more than sweet on you. Yer must know that? l don’t wanna see that little gal hurt…she’s had a mountain of hurt.”

“Yes l know that, of course l know,” Adam’s voice was raised in frustration “ there are other problems to be dealt with.”

“Yer mean the gal’s background, that aint too much of a problem, mama was Cajun/Creole weren’t she?” Adam nodded agreement and wondered what his Pa’s reaction would be if he turned up at the Ponderosa with a bride or intended bride that was the image of his fathers third wife. Painfully startled out of his musing by a big elbow digging into his side. Hoss beamed a smile.

“Aint we a caution. Me, l colour up like ripe tomato at the thought of a gal You have to…what is it you say dot the t’s and cross the i’s.” Adam’s frown cracked into a half smile. Hoss’s words brought a chuckle to his throat, but he didn’t correct his brother. “an there’s shortshanks he’d have the gal down the isle and in his bed before yer said Jumping Jehoshaphat ” Adam’s chuckle bubbled into a deep laugh.

“You are right big brother, except knowing little Joe it wouldn’t necessarily be in that order.”

Hoss’s and Adam’s disrespectful guffaw’s mingled “Aint that the truth.”

“Fools rush in eh.”

“If you say so elder brother, but better to be a happy fool than a miserable wise man.” Their laughter petered out at the same time. Cut off at the thought of where their brother was and the condition he was in.

“Do yer reckon Adam that Pa, well that he reckons that…well yer know how he is with little Joe…he always sorta…” he allowed Adam to finish his words for he could not utter tham.

“Treats the kid with kid gloves? That Pa thinks that little Joe might not be his son?” Adam could see the fear those words stamped on his big brothers face. He was looking at Hoss as the kid brother that pleaded to leave the light on.

“Reckon that’s why Pa’s always telling Joe to get his hair cut and not ter be looking like a river boat gambler…always thought Pa was funnin. Never put any thought on it before. It kinda puts a different edge to it now don’t it?”

The silence was deafening, both men deep in their own thoughts but knowing each other’s mind. It took Hoss to put it into words. “Sure would put Pa’s mind at ease, wouldn’t it?”

“And l am the only one that can do that.”

“Reckon yer are at that Adam but how could yer tell him without…” again Adam finished his brothers words.

“Explaining how l know. I’ve thought about that a lot Hoss,” Adam shook his head in resignation. “Aunty Mary was right.”

“Aunty Mary?”

“Yes, you may not remember that she wanted to see me just before she died.”

Now it was Hoss who shook his head. Of course he remembered Aunty Mary being ill an then dying very soon after mama was buried. It was Doc Martin’s letter that brought Pa back. Pa had gone away. Unable to face his grief in front of his family. Mary Coffee had been unwell for a short while but mama’s death had hit her hard. Pa got back just in time for the burial. Then Pa and Roy Coffee spent a lot of time together sharing their grief and helping each other. Hoss reckoned that year was the most miserable time he had ever known. Mama and Aunty Mary both gone within months of each other.

Realising that Adam was still talking Hoss shook himself from his memories.

Mary Coffee at the end, had no breath for speaking. She had penned a letter to Adam. Telling him she knew how he felt about Marie. That he wasn’t to feel guilt. He was a young man constantly in the presence of a beautiful woman. His reactions and feelings were not unnatural. She knew about Marie’s ‘giddiness’ as she called it. She told him to cherish her goodness. For she was a good woman. She told him she knew about Pa’s doubt and the gambler’s ‘incapacity’. That one day, or maybe even never, that Adam would know if it was right for the telling or not. She finished by telling Adam to study and go away to college, to fill his mind with knowledge and return renewed.

“An yer reckon the time’s now.?” Hoss asked.

Adam told Hoss no, this wasn’t the time. He told his brother that he was sorry. Sorry not for telling him. Sorry that now Hoss would also have to keep the burden of the secret. Hoss replied that now that it was shared it wouldn’t be that much of a burden. As much as he’d like Pa to know for sure Joe was a Cartwright and not a riverboat gamblers son . He would be guided as always by Adam, who hadn’t never steered him wrong before.

They book bolted upright like startled schoolboys as the creaking of the barn door announced Etta’s presence. Etta had felt that the brothers had something going on between themselves. Something that needed to be put to rights. Hoss’s brooding mood of the past few days. Even though she had only know the man for a short time. She knew it as against his nature to take on so. Whatever it was that had affected him. She thought had something to do with herself and his brother. Looking at his face and attitude it appeared to be a problem solved. The two large men looked up at her from the bales of hay. Their expressions that of two kids who had been caught raiding the orchard.

“l have a fresh brew on and that lemon cake won’t last another day.”

Hoss slapped two big palms on his equally big thighs. Another slap of a palm on his brothers back, doubled Adam and set him coughing.

“Big brother l still have need of my spine.” Adam spluttered “you only have to ask, you can have all he cake.”

Hoss stretched to his full height and took Adam’s offered arm hauling to his feet.

“Aint you favourite cake anyways.”

“And what ‘aint’ you favourite cake.” Adam too stretched his body and kneed his knuckles into the small of his back.

“Reckon thatd be the one with cheese in,” taking Etta’s arm Hoss crooked it in his.

“Correct little lady” he agreed as he led her from the barn. By the time they had reached the house Etta had a man on both arms and happiness in her heart.