Summary:  Just my feelings on how Adam may have come back to the Ponderosa.

(Warning: character death)

Rated: K (3,670 words)

The Final Goodbye Series:

The Final Goodbye
Joe’s Letter

 

                                                            The Final Goodbye

 

How glad he was the day was over and the other members of the house had gone to bed. He had bid them goodnight and promised to follow them up shortly, but he knew that sleep would not come to him that night, just as it had been the same every night for the last few weeks. He sat in the red leather chair by the fire, staring into the flames not really aware of anything around him. Today had been a difficult one and he had found it hard to get through, but he had managed it. Now as the day came to an end, once again he sought comfort in memories.

The storm howled outside. Joe shivered as he remembered another time when he had been injured by a new stallion frightened by thunder. He had gone to calm the horses down and the stallion broke free from the stall, breaking Joe’s arm and leg. Left alone while waiting for the new cook to arrive he set his own leg and had thought about amputating his arm, but Pa and Hoss had arrived home to look for him. He had felt safe knowing his Pa with there.  Now he felt nothing but numbness. Everyone assured him that in time his heart would heal, but he knew that nothing could replace the person he loved most, his Pa

The weather that morning started out bright and warm for late September, only to change early in the afternoon. Now the night was turning out to be a noisy one, with thunder crashing through the mountains and the wind howling around the house making the beams creak and groan. A sound outside pulled him back to the present. He got up, walked to the door and pulled it open just enough to look out. The barn door had opened and was flying backward and forwards smashing into the corral fence. He knew he needed to secure the door as he could hear the horses inside beginning to get restless. Reaching up for his jacket his hand brushed past a coat and for a second caressed the material. His eyes clouded over and then his heart felt like it was racing. He grabbed at his chest until the pain eased and his eyes became clear again. “Come on, calm down,” he said to himself fighting the urge to surrender to the grief he was feeling. He forced himself to go out of the door, and fighting against the wind eventually he made it over to the barn.

Once inside he pulled the door shut and then turned to the horses in the stalls making sure they were secure. Working his way along, softly talking to calm them, he reached the last stall and hesitated before rubbing his hand down the buckskin. “Oh Buck, I miss him so much, nothing will be the same again. Why did he have to leave us?” Buck turned his head to look at the young man. Joe had completely given in to his grief and was sobbing, collapsed onto the floor.

A few moments later the barn door flew open and a dark haired man entered, shaking his head to rid himself of the rain that had started to fall. Looking around he spotted his brother collapsed on the floor. He knelt next to Joe and carefully turned him over holding him close. Feeling his brother near him Joe struggled to move away, but Adam held him firmly until eventually, he relaxed.

“It’s alright Joe. Let it out, it’s okay.” Adam spoke softly to his brother until he felt his breathing slow down and his body stopped shaking. “Come on let’s get you back to the house. You’re freezing and we don’t want you getting sick” Adam helped Joe to his feet and putting his arm round his brother moved towards the entrance of the barn.

“We’re going to have to run for it,” Adam shouted at Joe, trying to make himself heard over the noise of the wind and thunder.

Joe just nodded and waited until Adam tapped him on the shoulder to tell him it was time to go. Dodging between the puddles they made it over to the house and shook themselves when they made the shelter of the porch.

Once inside Adam sat Joe near the fire and placed the Indian blanket that hung over the banisters around his shoulders.  He poured two large brandies and gave one to his brother.

“Here drink this,” he said as he sat on the table facing Joe.

After a few moments, Joe raised his head and looked at his brother, “How did you know where I was?”

“I was getting ready for bed when I heard the barn door bang, and I looked out of my window.  I saw you making your way over, and thought you may need help in calming the horses. I got dressed again and came over. “Oh Joe, why didn’t you tell me how you were hurting? I thought you were coping. Why didn’t  you tell me how much you were missing him? Joe, talk to me please. Let me help.”

“I know you want to help Adam, but there’s nothing you can do. With Pa and Hoss gone, nothing seems to matter anymore. The ranch isn’t the same. I’ve been seriously thinking about leaving. You can have the Ponderosa, Adam. After all you and Pa built it, it’s only right that you have it.”

Adam sat there stunned and looked at his brother.  “Joe, I had no idea that you were feeling this bad. Why didn’t you speak to me?  I may have been able to help. I know I wasn’t around when Hoss died, and having to cope with your grief and look after Pa wasn’t easy. I’m so sorry that I wasn’t here for you.”

Joe looked at Adam and saw the sadness his elder brother felt when he spoke of Hoss. He knew from the letters Adam had sent to his Pa, how sorry he had been when he couldn’t get home after Hoss’ accidental death. There was a question that Joe had wanted to ask his brother ever since he had arrived home after Pa’s funeral and now seemed just the right time to ask.

“Adam, why didn’t you come straight home when I first wrote saying Pa was ill?” Joe looked at his brother wanting an answer that might help him understand why he had had to cope on his own.

“Joe believe me, I would have made plans to come home immediately, but I didn’t receive your letter until a month after you sent it. By the time I made arrangements and was leaving, I got your wire saying he was dying. How do you think I felt knowing that I wouldn’t get home in time to say goodbye. At least you were able to be with him at the end.”

“I’m sorry Adam, I should have known you would have wanted to be here. It’s just so hard to accept that he’s gone. Every so often when I sit in this chair, I get a whiff of his pipe tobacco and the bay rum he used.”  Joe couldn’t say any more. He felt his eyes filling up.  Adam reached over and put his hand on the back of Joe’s neck and stroked it just as Pa used to when Joe couldn’t hold it in anymore. The tears flowed.

Adam continued to rub Joe’s neck. Eventually, Joe looked at his brother. There were tears streaking down his face. Looking at Adam he suddenly realised that he wasn’t the only one that had lost someone, his brother had also. Adam had seemed to age in the last few weeks and he hadn’t noticed. He had been so consumed in his own grief that he hadn’t thought about Adam and what he was going through.

“Thanks, Adam.” Joe said, “I don’t know about you but I need another brandy and I don’t think Pa will object.”

“I’m sure he won’t” his elder brother replied, smiling “Then I think we should try and get some sleep. Tomorrow is another day, and we have a ranch to run.”

About an hour later Adam and Joe finally made their way up to bed, grateful that they had been able to clear some of the air between them.

 

CHAPTER 2

When Adam came down the next morning he noticed that Joe’s hat and coat were missing from near the door.

“Hop Sing” he called as the Chinaman came out of the kitchen “have you seen Joe this morning?”

“Yes Mr. Adam, Little Joe went out early. He saying he was going for a ride to clear his head.”

“Have you any idea which way he was heading?” Adam asked.

“It looked like he was heading for the lake,” Hop Sing replied as he headed back to his kitchen. “Now nobody will eat breakfast. If no one eat, Hop Sing not needed anymore, maybe go back to China”

Adam grinned as Hop Sing disappeared.  How many times had this faithful manservant said that over the years? As yet had never carried out the threat. Adam was just in the process of putting his gun on when there was a knock at the door.

“Hiram, what brings you out so early?” Adam said as he opened the door to the family lawyer and friend.

“Morning Adam, have you got a few minutes to spare?  I have something for you and Joe. By the way, is Joe here?”

“No he isn’t. Won’t you come in and have some coffee? Adam asked.

“Coffee would be fine, thanks” Hiram said following Adam over to the table where he poured the coffee, and handed it to his friend.

“Now, what is so urgent that it brings you out here so early in the day?” Adam asked, then he took a sip of coffee.

“As you know, Adam, I was a friend of Ben’s for a number of years, as well as being his lawyer.  When he took ill, he asked me to come and see him, which I did. Losing Hoss only a few months before had been hard on your father and brother. Joe and Ben were close, but Hoss’s death seemed to draw them together even more. Joe nursed him day and night until Ben seemed to recover. But never seemed to get his strength back. Ben was worried about Joe and about how he would cope when he was gone. He wanted to leave Joe something that might be of help.  He asked me to write some letters for him, as he was too weak to do it himself. The contents of the letters were personal and he was most concerned that they were written while he was still able to put his name to them.”

“To whom were these letters addressed?” Adam whispered, though in his heart he already knew the answer.

“One was to you Adam. Ben hoped that you would return to the ranch one day.  He so wanted to see you before he died, and Joe did tell him that he had written to you saying he was ill. Ben held on longer than expected, hoping you might make it home before he died. One of the last things he said was ‘Tell Adam he is always in my heart and I love him so much’.”

“Adam are you all right?” Hiram asked as Adam had gone pale. “You better sit down.” He took Adam’s arm and led him to the chair by the fire. “Have a sip of coffee”.

Adam accepted the cup from Hiram. He sipped the hot liquid feeling the warmth slide down his throat, helping to stop the shaking he could feel inside him. He sat there for a few moments sipping his coffee and trying to collect his thoughts.

“Ben spoke about you a lot towards the end. He was so proud that you had followed your dream, though he missed you terribly. He hoped you would come back to the Ponderosa one day. He talked about the time he came to Boston to visit and could see that you were happy there. Have you made any plans about your future since you have been back? You do know that Ben left the Ponderosa to Joe, with the understanding that if you came back, you would be entitled to your share”.

Adam looked at Hiram and asked “Is Joe happy with that?”

“Yes, it was his idea. Joe talked to Ben a lot about what should happen to the ranch. He wanted his Pa’s agreement. He hoped you would come back to stay. Joe missed you over the years Adam. When Ben was so ill, all Joe wanted was a letter from you saying you were coming home. Losing Hoss and now Ben has shaken him greatly. Paul Martin and I have kept an eye on him as Ben requested.”

Adam grinned “Good old Pa, always worrying about him”.

“You know what your Pa was like about Joe, worrying about the slightest thing.  On the surface Joe seemed to keep things running, but deep down, his heart was tearing apart all through Ben’s illness. When we buried Ben, it took all his strength to get through the day. Paul managed to persuade him that night to take a sleeping draught and slept here to make sure he was okay.”

Adam nodded, “Last night I found Joe collapsed in the barn after he had gone out to calm the horses during the storm. We came back to the house and he told me then he wanted to leave the Ponderosa. He said I could have it. I have never seen him so upset, and I must admit, it worried me. I wish I had received his letter earlier telling me how ill Pa was. I might have been able to have got home in time. I miss him as much as Joe does. What hurts most is that I wasn’t able to say goodbye.”

Hiram just caught the look of distress on Adam’s face as he looked down. It was enough to see his eyes mist over and Adam gave an involuntary shudder as he fought to keep control.

“Are you all right Adam?” Hiram asked.

Adam slowly shook his head “Hiram you know me, I can usually keep my feelings under control but this hurts so much. Now with Joe, I feel that I have to be so strong, but I’m hurting as much as he is. What do I do? How can I help him and me at the same time?”

Hiram was shocked at what Adam had just told him. It wasn’t every day that this Cartwright wore his heart on his sleeve. To Hiram, it showed how much he was hurting.

“Have you told Joe how you feel?”

“Last night I wanted to, but he was so upset it wasn’t the time”.

“Adam, you are going to have to speak with him. Tell him how you feel. Where is Joe now?”

“Hop Sing says he saw him riding towards the lake. Since I have been here, every day he has gone to where Pa is. He just sits looking out over the lake.”

“Why don’t you take Joe’s letter to him, get him to read it. I think he may find it helps. It may help if you read your letter there as well. Ben wanted to say so much to you both.” Hiram handed the letters to Adam.

 

CHAPTER 3

Adam rode slowly up to the lake trying to get his head round what he was going to say to Joe. Every so often his hand would touch the pocket in his jacket containing the letters. There was a comfort having them there. It was, as if Pa was around. Hiram was right, he had to tell Joe how he felt. Maybe then they could start moving forward with their lives.

As he approached the lake Sport tossed his head as he heard his stable mate call. Adam tied him up next to Cochise and made his way to the newly made grave. Joe was sitting just down from the grave near the waters edge. He never stirred when Adam came and sat on a rock nearby.

Adam stared out over the lake, memories flooding back. He remembered when he and his brothers would come down to fish, or maybe sneak off work early on a hot summer’s day to come for a swim. Pa would usually find out. One of them would let something slip later that evening and he would try to appear stern and angry. But the twinkle in his eye gave him away. At this moment, Adam would give anything to have Pa there to offer advice about how to talk to Joe.

“Pa, please help me,” he whispered.

Jo looked towards his brother “Sorry, did you say something Adam?”

“No Joe, I was just thinking out loud. I was wishing Pa and Hoss were here enjoying this day with us”

Joe nodded, “Yea, I know what you mean. That’s why I come here. It’s as if they are around. There are so many memories here.

“Joe, this morning Hiram came to the house and wanted to see both of us.

“Oh, what did he want?”

Adam looked back to where his Pa and brother lay and then reached into his pocket and pulled the letters out.

“He gave me these letters. One is for you and one for me. Pa had asked him to write them and to give to us once he was gone. You know how Pa was always looking out for us and he was especially worried about you.”

As Adam handed Joe the envelope he could see his hand shaking, “Do you want me to stay with you while you read it?”

Joe shook his head, “I think I would like to be on my own if you don’t mind”

Adam watched as Joe moved off nearer to his Pa’s grave, sat down and proceeded to open the letter.

As much as he wanted to be near his brother while he read the letter, Adam felt that he   needed to be on his own as well. He walked nearer to the water’s edge and sat on a ledge jutting into the water. Taking a deep breath he slit open the envelope and took out the neatly folded piece of paper. Slowly he unfolded it and started to read

Adam my son

I had hoped that maybe one day you would come home to the Ponderosa, but I completely understand that your life is now in Boston. I am so proud of what you have achieved since moving there.

As you know my dream was to move out west and own a ranch. With your help I achieved this and for that I will be eternally grateful to you. I don’t know how I would have coped without your help designing the house and helping to raise Joe after Maria died.

Remember when your brother was born, and you made the promise to always be there for him? Now I am asking you to be there again, especially at this time. Adam, please help him.  He will need you, not that he will ask for help, but you know him as well as I do.

I am leaving the ranch in his most capable hands. He has asked for my approval, if you should come back that he may ask you to help him run it. I have given him my blessing to do whatever he seems fit.

Son, wha ever you do with your life, be happy. Whether you come back and help Joe, or stay in Boston, you have made me a very proud man to have you as my son. My only regret now is not being able to tell you how much I love you and how much you mean to me.

Your loving father

Ben

Adam sat for a long time, holding his letter tightly in his hand. His father was gone and he had asked him one last time to help his brother. Now he knew where his future lay. As much as he had enjoyed Boston, his heart had always been back here at the Ponderosa.  He would make sure his father’s dream survived. Hopefully, it would go on for future generations, that is if Joe or him married.

Thinking of Joe, he turned to find his brother sitting slumped against a tree. Joe’s face was tear stained, his letter lying on the ground beside him.

“Adam, are you all right?”

“Yes Joe. And you?”

Joe nodded, “Yeh. How come Pa knew how to talk to us after he was gone? Just shows how much he knew us, don’t you think?”

“He knew us all very well, and somehow always knew how to sort out our problems without us realising most of the time. Joe, if you want me to stay and help you run the Ponderosa, I will.”

“Thanks Adam, I know that’s what Pa would have wanted.”

“And you?”

“Yes, and me, I have missed not having my granite head of a brother around. It’s not been the same since you went”.

Joe stood up and turned to face his brother, “I don’t know about you but I suddenly feel hungry. It must be nearly lunchtime so why don’t we go and see if Hop Sing will feed us.

Adam grinned. As his brother walked past, he flung his arm around Joe’s shoulders “C’mon Shortshanks, let’s go and make plans”.

 

The End

Next Story in The Final Goodbye Series:

Joe’s Letter

 

Disclaimer: All publicly recognizable characters and settings are the property of their respective owners. The original characters and plot are the property of the author. No money is being made from this work. No copyright infringement is intended.