In this sequel to “The Most Eligible Bachelor in Nevada”, a modern-day Little Joe and Hoss try to save Adam from a woman they are sure is a “gold digger”.

Rating: Teen for mature references    Warning: reference to corporal punishment

word count:  11050

The Most Eligible Bachelor Series:

The Most Eligible Bachelor in Nevada
There’s Gold Diggers in Them There Hills

 

There’s Gold Diggers in Them There Hills

 Bonanza, the series characters, and the basic premise of Bonanza, are the property of David Dortort and Bonanza Ventures.  It is not my intention to infringe upon their rights in presenting this story.  No profit is being made from this story.

There’s Gold Diggers in Them There Hills

by DJK

 

I had to do something to stop it from happening because it was sort of my fault that it happened. My big brother never would have accepted and had his picture on that magazine cover with a story inside about how smart and rich he is if I hadn’t sent everything to the magazine for him.  Making him Nevada’s most eligible bachelor was only meant to be a joke, and I’m sorry now I did it, but I never thought about it putting a target on his back for every gold digger- that’s what Hoss calls them- in Nevada who is looking for a rich husband.

 

 

Now you have to understand something about my brilliant, older brother. Adam is academically top-notch and a good judge of men, but when it comes to females, that’s another kettle of fish all together.  It just seems that he gets besotted with a gal, and he can’t see the book for the cover.  Most of the girls he’s dated had what Pa calls hidden flaws.  Now the thing about Pa is that he minds all his sons’ business in every area but one. When we get old enough to have a love life, Pa keeps his opinions to himself. Sometimes I think he has about choked on what he thought about Adam’s girlfriends, but he let Adam find out for himself what they were really like.  My brother Hoss, now, he always dates the nicest girls you’d ever want to meet.  Pa, Adam, and I have liked every one of them.  The girl he’s dating now is one we wouldn’t mind if he up and married.   Well, Pa would say he’d better wait a few years ‘cause Hoss is just nineteen, but Pa wouldn’t mind if Cissy Dee Dedeaux became his daughter-in-law.  I don’t think there’s been a girl that Adam has dated that you could say that about.

 

Now, Adam is not really what most people call a ladies’ man.   Sure, there’s always been females after him since he was a kid especially those that like the dark and brooding type of guy, but Adam has never flirted around with them.  He is the kind who sorta goes along just being polite until he flips for some pretty thing.  Then there ain’t nobody in the world but her until she hurts him, and then he shuts out everybody for a good long while.  I don’t know what’s worse: Adam in love, or Adam bemoaning it.

 

Well, like I said I never thought about the fact that Adam being declared the most eligible bachelor in Nevada would be like making him a big, juicy worm on a hook dropped into a pond full of fish. I guess I should have known, but I didn’t until Cissy Dee pointed it out.

 

Cissy Dee and Hoss were in the barn. They’d been out riding, and Hoss was putting up the horses.  We almost always care for our own horses ‘cause Pa thinks if ya ride a horse ya ought to take care of it, and none of us really mind.  I don’t much want anyone else tending to Cochise anyway, and my brothers feel the same way about Sport and Chubby.  Well, they were in the barn, and so was I.  Only I was up in the loft, and they didn’t know I was there.  Hoss told Cissy Dee about it being me who sent the information and picture into The Nevadan.  Cissy Dee made some comments about what her friends thought of the picture.  Basically, she said they all thought Adam looked really hot.  Then she said how Adam would have women coming out of the woodwork after him.  Hoss said that that really wouldn’t be that much of a change.  That’s when Cissy Dee said that some of them might be after his money more than his body, and Hoss said something about gold diggers. That’s when I started thinking and forgot to stay still enough.

 

Hoss heard me and knew right away who it was. He shouted my full name-Joseph Francis Cartwright- and told me to get my behind down there.  He was really mad ‘cause he thought I was too young to hear some of the things he and Cissy Dee said. My brothers still think I’m a kid even though I’m thirteen.  When I got down the ladder, Hoss was in my face fussing about my eavesdropping.  Now, if it had been Adam who caught me eavesdropping, I would have been worried about my backside, but I never worry that Hoss will do anything but shout a little.  He only threatens me, and he won’t even tell Pa on me unless he thinks I’m about to do something real dangerous; so, I just let him fuss some, and then said I was sorry.   That’s what started me thinking about what might happen, and sure enough the next week it did.

 

 

That Monday I was at the computer in the great room when Adam walked in. Now he was soaking wet, but he didn’t look mad.  In fact, he had this sort of grin on his face.  Now the only time Adam gets that grin is when he’s besotted with some new gal.  Usually, I don’t give Adam having a new gal much mind, but I started thinking maybe I better check things out seeing as how there was a chance that this new gal was one of those gold diggers that Hoss and Cissy Dee had been talking about.  So, I followed Adam up to his room.  I actually remembered to knock, but I didn’t wait for him to invite me in.  I just opened the door, walked over to the bed, and stretched out on it.  Adam was peeling off his wet clothes and asked me what I wanted.  He didn’t growl or fuss about me walking in or having my shoes on his bedclothes, so I knew that he had something else like a gal on his mind for sure.

 

I asked him why he was wet, and he told me to throw him his robe. I did and asked again how he had gotten wet.  He said he had had a “fortuitous accident” and then walked into his bathroom and shut the door.  I waited on the bed wondering what fortuitous meant while Adam took a shower.  When he came back out, he had showered, shaved, and dried his hair.  He went over to the closet and took out some of his dating clothes.  I asked him where he was planning to go, and he looked at me like he had just noticed I was still there.  He asked me if I didn’t have anything better to do than watch him dress, like maybe some homework.  I wasn’t getting anywhere with my questions, and I didn’t want Adam to get going on the subject of homework, so I shrugged and got out of there.

 

When I got downstairs, Pa was just coming in the door. I said hey, and then I told Pa that Adam had come home all wet.  Just like I knew he would, Pa started getting concerned.  He asked what I meant by all wet, and I told him that Adam had been soaked to the skin from head to toe.  Pa asked why, and I told him Adam said he had an accident.  At the word accident, Pa went into a full fret.  Hoss walked in the door and heard the word accident and started in asking questions.  When Adam came down the stairs a minute later, Pa pounced.  He wanted to know about this accident.

 

Adam said how it wasn’t really an accident but just a little mishap. I told Adam that he was the one who said it was a fortuitous accident.  He said, well, he accidentally ended up in the water with a beautiful girl, and it was fortuitous because he was taking that same girl to dinner and that he would probably be late, so he would see us all in the morning. Then he was out the door.

 

Hoss and Pa gave each other a look, and Pa went into the kitchen to talk to Hop Sing. Hop Sing is our cook and everything else around the ranch house, and he had a few words to shout about Adam suddenly skipping supper after Hop Sing had spent the afternoon cooking. Most of what he said was in Chinese, but even Pa and Hoss caught the gist of it.

 

I decided after dinner Hoss and I needed to talk. I talked to Hoss about this new gal maybe being a gold digger. He told me not to go getting any notions of interfering with Adam’s social life into my head if I wanted to stay healthy, but I know it started him thinking.  The next morning Adam was all moony and quiet at breakfast.  Hoss suddenly said he’d drive me to school.  On the way, we decided that we’d better meet this new gal of Adam’s pronto.

 

 

Now Adam can date a girl for a couple of months before he ever mentions her full name to us. If Adam doesn’t want to share information, you can spend hours trying to dig it out of him only to find that you don’t really know anything more than you did when you started.   Pa says Adam can be the most evasive person on this planet.  The thing he is most evasive about is his love life, but maybe the fact that we never really like his girlfriends is part of the reason.  Anyway, we decided we might need to create our own fortuitously accidental meeting.  First, we needed to know where Adam and the gal would be.  If you want to know where Adam’s going to be, you ask Mary Alice. Mary Alice is Adam’s assistant and keeps his schedule.  She makes his appointments, and what is even more useful she makes his reservations.  She might not know who Adam is taking, but she sure enough knows where he is taking them.  Hoss said he would talk to Mary Alice.  Mary Alice wouldn’t think Hoss was up to anything, but she’s always suspicious of me.

 

Yeah, finding out where Adam would be taking his gal wasn’t hard, but figuring out how to accidentally run into them was. Some of the places he takes dates you have to be twenty-one to enter, so even Hoss couldn’t bump into him there.  It turned out, though, that we were able to come up with a plan for Wednesday night.  Of course, we had to involve Cissy Dee, but surprisingly she didn’t say we were nuts and talk Hoss out of it.  Instead, she said yes and supplied us with a good reason to be where we needed to be.

 

See, Adam was taking his gal to a restaurant on the Plaza. Next to the Plaza is a whole amusement arcade.   The plan was for Hoss and Cissy Dee to arrange to take me and her younger cousin to the arcade on the other side of the Plaza.  Cissy Dee’s cousin being in town was a good reason for Hoss to take me out somewhere fun on a school night.  Pa would let me go as a favor to Cissy Dee.  In fact, Cissy Dee wanting me to help entertain her cousin is probably the reason she didn’t tell us that we were nuts.

 

 

Wednesday Hoss and I went to pick up Cissy Dee and her cousin.   We were talking to Cissy Dee’s pa at the foot of the stairs when the girls came walking down.  Now Cissy Dee ain’t a beauty, and pretty ain’t quite the word for her either.  Cissy Dee is cute.  She’s the kind of cute that makes ya smile, and Pa says she has the kind of cute that lasts, partly because she is cute outside and in.  Well, she and her cousin came down the stairs all bouncy and giggling.  They had on these denim and gingham outfits with their hair pulled up with bows. The pair of them looked like something ya should pick up and hug.  Of course, when Cissy Dee got to the bottom of the steps, Hoss did start hugging on her and nuzzling her neck.  Pa would have given him a look, but Pa wasn’t there, and I was busy looking at Lori Lee and thinking it might be nice to have an excuse to be hugging her.

 

Truth is that Hoss, Cissy Dee, Lori Lee, and I had such a fine time eating and playing and carrying on that we almost forgot we were on a cloak-and-dagger mission, but a little before we figured Adam and his date would be coming out of the restaurant, we stationed ourselves in pairs outside and a little down the plaza in each direction, so we’d be ready no matter which way they turned. Our plan worked just fine.  Lori Lee and me “accidentally” ran into Adam and the woman.  We shouted to Hoss and Cissy Dee, and they came strolling over. Adam started in making polite introductions though I don’t think he was really happy to see us.  The four of us were studying the woman who was standing next to him holding his arm.

 

 

Now one thing I’ll say for her is she is really pretty. She was wearing a short black dress, and she looked like she should be on a magazine cover herself.  Adam introduced her as Joleene Deveroux.  She smiled, but that smile never reached her eyes.  It wasn’t five minutes later that she had Adam walking away from us.  Five minutes after that, we were in the ice cream parlor having sundaes and talking about Joleene.  None of us liked her, and we didn’t mind saying so.  Hoss said that our not liking her didn’t make her a gold digger, but Cissy Dee and Lori Lee gave each other a look that said they thought she was.  I didn’t care whether she was a gold digger or not; I didn’t want her hanging on my big brother’s arm.  We all decided to investigate Miss Joleene Deveroux a little more.

 

We got home real late, and I think Hoss heard from Pa about keeping me out until all hours on a school night. It didn’t matter really ‘cause I couldn’t go to sleep anyway.  I kept thinking about Adam and Joleene Deveroux and everything and listening for Adam to come home.  I don’t know when I finally went to sleep, but I know that big brother still hadn’t made it home.

 

The next day Adam drove me to school. He had his car gliding down the road and was humming to himself.  I tried talking to him about Joleene, but I didn’t learn much about her except that she was from New Orleans.   I told Adam I bet that Pa would like to meet her, and that he should invite Joleene out to the ranch.  He just mumbled maybe.  I asked him why not ‘cause she had already met Hoss and me, and he wasn’t ashamed of Pa, was he?  That got Adam’s goat, and he wound up saying he and Joleene would be spending Saturday out at the ranch.  I started making plans right then and there.

 

 

I didn’t know it then ‘cause Hoss didn’t tell me, but he had a plan of his own. He asked Dick Canaday, the head of security for all of the Cartwright operations, who he could hire to investigate someone quietly. Now Hoss ain’t tight with his money, but he ain’t a free spender either.  Hoss has a nice bank account of his own that’s his to do with as he wants without even Pa knowing how he spends it.   Hoss up and paid a professional to do a background investigation on one Joleene Deveroux.  Of course, that kind of thing takes time.  Now Hoss didn’t tell him it was a rush job ‘cause he didn’t think it had to be.  Hoss should of thought about the fact that Nevada is the one state where you can tie the knot at the drop of a hat, but I guess that didn’t occur to him.

 

Now, like I said before, I didn’t care if Joleene Deveroux was an actual gold digger or just a cold-hearted witch (I can’t use the other word) which I had already decided she was. Maybe you think it wasn’t fair of me to decide that about her when I had only seen her for about five minutes, and she hadn’t really done anything to me, but sometimes I just know about a person, and I always go with my gut.  So that afternoon I got on the computer -nobody was home but Hop Sing who was in the kitchen- and instant messaged Lori Lee.

 

 

Now Lori Lee had talked to Cissy Dee, and the both of them thought Joleene was really a gold digger. I asked why, and Lori Lee said it was women’s intuition.  That was good enough for me.  By the time I heard Pa’s car and signed off, Lori Lee and me had made plans to start busting up Adam and Joleene.  We planned to start Saturday.  Lori Lee would tell her cousin that they were invited to the ranch, and I would let Hoss know that that was where Cissy Dee and he were spending Saturday, so he could change any other plans he had.  Well, a person has to set priorities, now, don’t they?

 

After breakfast Saturday, Adam got on his high horse and gave me a lecture about behaving when we had company. Now, Adam pretty much always gives me a lecture about behaving for company whenever he invites folks over especially female folks, but that morning it really got under my skin that he was treating me like a kid who needed reminding of the least little things every time.  If I hadn’t already planned to be a pest to save my brother, I probably would have decided to right then to be a pest just to spite him.

 

Hoss and I went to pick up Cissy Dee and Lori Lee. Hoss and Cissy Dee didn’t know what Lori Lee and I had planned, and with some of the things we had thought about doing, I figured it was better that they didn’t know.  There are some things Hoss will do, and some he won’t, and most of the won’ts have to do with what he won’t do to Adam.  Plus, I wasn’t sure when Cissy Dee would decide to be grown-up and tell us we better stop the plotting.

 

 

 

When we got to Cissy Dee’s, she and Lori Lee were looking real sweet in these kinda soft and swirlly dresses which sorta surprised me, but it was a surprise that I didn’t mind. I don’t think Hoss minded either ‘cause the skirt on Cissy Dee’s dress was really short, and I saw Hoss’s eyes keep looking at her legs.

 

 

Well, the girls were wearing dresses, but they had bags with them, so they could change into pants if we decided to go riding. While Hoss and Cissy Dee were carrying on in the front seat on the way back to the ranch, I asked Lori Lee why they hadn’t just worn pants in the first place.  Lori Lee said it was a girl thing and had to do with fighting fire with fire and not being at a disadvantage against a witch like Joleene, only she didn’t say witch, and I was glad that we were talking so soft that Hoss didn’t hear.

 

Anyways, when we got back to the ranch, we saw Adam’s car in front of the house and knew that he and the woman had arrived.  We all went into the great room, and sure enough there was Pa, Adam, and the woman.  She was standing next to Adam holding onto his arm.  She did look beautiful. Yea, she was beautiful like Lake Tahoe in the winter lovely on the surface but deadly cold.  The only warmth she showed was the sparks in her eyes when Cissy Dee greeted Pa with a kiss on the cheek and then did the same with Adam.  Cissy Dee just gave her a smile that said go to- well, it said go to blazes- and then she introduced Pa to Lori Lee.   Hop Sing came in and told us since it was such a fine day, he had the refreshments set up out by the pool, and we all went outside.

 

I thought about pushing Joleene Deveroux into the pool, but with Adam and Pa both standing there I also thought about what could happen to me if I did. Besides, she and Adam had fallen in the water when they first meet and look how that turned out.

 

 

After the refreshments, Pa excused himself, and Adam said he was going to show Joleene around the ranch. I said we were gonna show Lori Lee the ranch, so why didn’t everybody just go look at the ranch together.  Lori Lee said Hoss had promised to let her ride a horse, and I said the only way to see the ranch was on a horse, and Adam asked Joleene if she could ride a horse. She said she could, but that she hadn’t brought any riding clothes.  Cissy Dee said surely, they could find something for her to wear. Her eyes were shooting daggers at Cissy Dee, but Joleene agreed, and Hoss, Adam, and I went to saddle the horses while the girls went inside to change.

 

Hoss and Adam had a big discussion about what horses the girls should ride. I told Hoss he better not try to give Cissy Dee some old mare with no go and that Lori Lee didn’t want one neither.  Hoss has taught Cissy Dee to be a fine rider, so he saddled Dancer for Cissy Dee and had me saddle Raven for Lori Lee.  Adam saddled Junebug for Joleene because she is just about the gentlest mare God ever created.

 

Hop Sing came out with two baskets of lunch. I guess he figured one basket for Hoss and one for the rest of us.  He said the girls would be out pretty quick and that supper would be ready at seven.  Hop Sing went on about how we best have our guests to the table on time, so his food wouldn’t be ruined.  He started carrying on in Chinese, and we hadn’t even left yet.

 

 

Well, Cissy Dee must have asked Hop Sing for some old clothes ‘cause Joleene came out of the house wearing an old shirt of Adam’s that was too big and some pants of mine that were to short but not really too tight, and dadgumit that woman still looked fine. Cissy Dee and Lori Lee were in denim and gingham again looking just too cute and sassy.   I gave Lori Lee a look and nodded toward Junebug.  That girl is real quick on the uptake.  She darted over to Junebug and started cooing over that horse like she was a long-lost friend.  A few seconds later, Lori Lee was on Junebug’s back.  I held my breath, but Adam didn’t say nothing. He just helped Joleene up onto Raven’s back.  The rest of us mounted up, and away we rode.

 

Now, by the time that tour ended, and we got back to the house, I knew for sure that Joleene Deveroux had to be a real gold digger.   I was sure she was a gold digger because nobody else would have put up with what happened that day.  As for Joleene Deveroux, she knew she had a hard row to hoe if she was gonna marry my big brother for his money.  Now, some of what happened was really accidental, and there weren’t no way anyone could prove that any of it wasn’t an accident.  We’d been really subtle, Lori Lee and me.  Joleene knew, though. I could see it in her eyes.  Adam had ideas, but he didn’t know for sure, and Adam always waits until he’s certain sure before he kills me.

 

It’s true that everything bad happened to Joleene that day, but it wasn’t like one person was the cause of it all. Adam was the one who dropped her on the ground when he was helping her dismount, and Raven shied into him, so he couldn’t exactly go pointing fingers ‘cause who knows why that horse shied that way.  It was Chubby that backed onto her foot and then knocked her down.  Cissy Dee opened the soda that sprayed all over her face and hair.  I knocked her lunch into her lap, but then everyone knows how clumsy thirteen-year-old boys are, and how could Lori Lee know that there was an ant bed in the stump that she told Joleene she should use for a seat.  The fact the Raven stayed so riled that Joleene had a real rough ride, wasn’t just because I kept shouting and Lori Lee’s giggles were so shrill.  The fact that Cissy Dee was so sticky sweet to Joleene that it was like being smeared with honey just added to her day.

 

Now, you have to give it to Joleene Deveroux; she can control her temper. She managed not to throw a single fit or kill anyone.  Of course, that’s because looks can’t kill, and all the drop-dead glares she gave the rest of us were timed so that Adam never saw a one of them. Oh, she was a gold digger for sure. Why, the way she acted was just the way I described Adam’s perfect girl in that magazine article about the most eligible bachelor in Nevada, so she must have studied that whole article not just the part about Adam’s being rich on his own account.

 

Things would have been just fine if Lori Lee and I hadn’t got too full of ourselves, and we had stopped while the stopping was good. The Bible says that pride goeth before a fall, and the Bible is always right, and it was pride that pushed us into going one step too far.  Well, it was one push too many actually.

 

 

See, the horses had spent a good part of the afternoon grazing on the green grass that was just growing in the meadows, and when we got back, Chubby and Sport naturally deposited some fresh manure just as we were dismounting. I saw it, Lori Lee saw it, and when we looked at each other, we just knew that we could do it.

 

Well, we did.  Joleene Deveroux ended up sitting on her backside in that fresh manure, but that weren’t enough for us.  It’s kinda hard to explain exactly how everything happened, but the horses sorta spooked, and Hoss and Adam were busy with them while Lori Lee and I were helping Joleene Deveroux to get up.  Only it seemed we kinda helped her to keep slipping and get covered in what she was sitting in.  It was sorta like a scene from one of those old, black-and-white movies they show sometimes.  I think they call them slapstick.  That would have been fine except Adam saw what we did and knew then for certain sure that it wasn’t an accident.  Joleene Deveroux had reached her limit and went screaming off to the house.

 

Adam looked at Lori Lee and me and gave us his your-dead-absolutely-dead look. Hoss had his hands full with the horses and wouldn’t be able to save us, so I started to run.  Adam shouted my name and told me to freeze.  I stopped in my tracks, mostly because I had to stop or turn and run back past Adam or jump in the pool.  I turned and saw Adam coming at me. Then Cissy Dee showed up.

 

Now Cissy Dee hadn’t done anything, not even laugh, while we were helping Joleene Deveroux to cover herself with manure. In fact, Cissy Dee had had a concerned look on her face the whole time.  It wasn’t that she was concerned about Joleene Deveroux.  No, she was concerned about what Adam was going to do to me and Lori Lee.  Well, she wasn’t really worried about Lori Lee because Lori Lee was a guest, not related to Adam, and a little girl.  On the other hand, Adam is allowed to kill me if he has a good enough reason.  Now Cissy Dee knows that, and that’s why she was looking concerned.

 

 

Cissy Dee had followed Adam when he came after me, and she came up and slipped in front of him putting a hand on each of his arms. Adam couldn’t get past her without pushing her out of the way, and Pa raised Adam to know better than to push a woman for any reason except to save her from something like a speeding vehicle or falling rocks. So, Adam stopped, and Cissy Dee started in to save me.

 

It was an amazing thing to see. Cissy Dee was so sweet and cute and well, so, girlie while she was pleading for Adam to remember that I was just a little boy who got carried away playing a prank.  She said it wouldn’t be fair for him to punish me like he planned when it was just as much Lori Lee’s fault, and she was sure Adam could just talk to us and make us understand what we had done wrong, so we could give Joleene a heartfelt apology, and Adam really didn’t want to make more of what happened than was necessary because he wouldn’t want me to resent someone important to him like Joleene.

 

By the time Cissy Dee stopped talking, Adam just threw up his hands and agreed not to kill me or even make me wish I was dead. It occurred to me that having Hoss marry Cissy Dee was something I should encourage at all times ‘cause having her around would be really good for the preservation of my behind.

 

 

Everybody bathed and changed and got to the table in time to keep Hop Sing happy. I don’t know what Adam said to Joleene, but she didn’t say anything about what had happened in front of Pa which was all that mattered to me right then.  After dinner, Hoss said he’d best take Cissy Dee and Lori Lee home, and I said I’d go with.  Adam followed us outside with Joleene Deveroux hanging on his arm.  Adam said didn’t Lori Lee and I have something to say to Joleene before we left.  Lori Lee started in apologizing just as sweet as sugar.  If Adam believed she meant what she said, he was the only one who did.  Then Adam looked at me.  I knew his promise to Cissy Dee wouldn’t save me if I said what I really felt, so I swallowed hard and made the grandest apology that you ever heard and gave that woman my best sad-puppy look.  She smiled and said she accepted my apology.  Her eyes told me that she didn’t, but that was okay ‘cause I hadn’t meant a word that I’d said either.

 

After I was in bed that night, I heard a knock on my door, and in walked eldest brother. He was mad in that cold, calm way he has of being truly angry with me.  He didn’t kill me though because he had promised Cissy Dee that he wouldn’t, but he set to lecturing me.  Then he asked me in a real tired sort of way why I would want to hurt him by acting like I had.  I felt real bad and wanted to blurt out that I was doing it for his own good but didn’t think that Adam would believe that Joleene Deveroux was a gold digger, so I said I guessed I was mad ‘cause he had treated me like a naughty kid with his lecturing that morning, and I was just kinda living up to his expectations, and didn’t he want a girlfriend who could take a joke.  He said he wanted a little brother who knew not to take a joke too far, and if I did anything like that again to Joleene, or anybody else for that matter, there wasn’t anyone on earth that would be able to save my behind, and then he left.

 

 

Truth is if Adam had thrown a fit or set my tail on fire, I probably would have gotten mad and decided he deserved a gold digger like Joleene Deveroux and quit trying to save him, but he didn’t, so I didn’t. I guess I just love my big brother.  Besides, he could have told Pa about what I’d done, and Pa hadn’t promised Cissy Dee anything, so in the end Adam saved my tail, and I had to keep on trying to save his.

 

The next day was Sunday, and on Sunday Cartwrights go to church. Now, Pa lets us miss church for only one reason, and that’s being sick.  I guess since Adam’s full-grown he could maybe not go to church if he just decided he had something else to do, but Adam’s got more sense than to make Pa angry with him for a week, so, like I said, on Sunday we go to church.  Well, I near about died when that woman walked into church and sat down in the pew next to Adam.  Joleene Deveroux was just not the church-going type, but there she was.  I bet she had to go out and buy the dress she was wearing special for that Sunday ‘cause it was what Pa would call modest, and it’s the only modest thing I ever saw that woman wear.  Fact is even in that modest dress she could still make a man think of things he shouldn’t be thinking about in church.  I don’t think Joleene or Adam got much out of the pastor’s sermon; I know I didn’t.  All I could think about was that woman marrying my big brother and sitting in our pew every Sunday.

 

 

After the service, Adam said that he and Joleene would be going out for Sunday brunch, and they drove off in her little, yellow Miata. I looked over at Hoss and saw the worry in his eyes.  This was the first girlfriend that Adam had invited to church, and that wasn’t a good sign.  I asked a few questions on the way home trying to find out what Pa thought about Joleene.  Pa hadn’t figured out that she was a gold digger, so I dropped a few hints.  All that got me was a reprimand about judging people and a warning about staying out of my eldest brother’s social life.  I yes-sired Pa, but the whole time I was trying to think what I could do to get my brother out of the clutches of that she-devil.

 

I thought so much about it the next day that I got in trouble in every one of my classes for not paying attention or not doing my work, but by the end of the day I still hadn’t come up with any good ideas. I mean that woman obviously wanted Adam’s bank account real bad, or she would have left him flat after Saturday, and, well, if a covering of horse manure don’t make you think twice than you’re really committed.  After all, you can get a divorce in Nevada almost as quick as you can get hitched.  I guess she figured she could add a zero onto the divorce settlement for every miserable thing we made her suffer through.

 

I had almost decided to just give things a rest and let the dust settle while I thought of some way to maybe make Adam dump that woman since it didn’t look like Joleene would dump Adam until after she was Mrs. Cartwright, but then I found it and knew my time was running out.

 

See, well, I guess I have to admit it; I was snooping in Adam’s room. I know it’s wrong to “invade his privacy”.  Gosh, Adam and Pa have told me that about a zillion times and some of those times the conversations were directed at my backside.  I know that I hate the thought of anybody snooping in my space, but I had to do it.  I was trying to save him, now, wasn’t I?

 

 

Anyway, I used that trick I saw on some detective show and penciled over the blank page on the pad he keeps next to his phone. I near about died when I read the words marriage license above some numbers and a date.  The date was only two days away.

 

I thought about telling Pa that Adam was going to up and marry Joleene and that he had best put a stop to it. Not that I thought Pa would tell Adam that he couldn’t marry Joleene- I mean Adam wouldn’t listen to an order like that anyway- but I thought he might tell Adam he had to slow down and at least know the girl a decent length of time before he up and married her.  Then I decided that that would probably be a waste of time all around.  Besides, Pa would have asked me how I knew and there wasn’t any answer I could give him that didn’t have an excellent chance of getting my britches warmed.

 

So I just waited for Hoss to get home. I worried the whole time.  I must have tried his cell phone a couple of dozen times, but he never answered it.  That really wasn’t much of a surprise, though.  Hoss hardly ever turns that blasted cell phone on and half the time he just leaves it in his room.  I even tried calling Cissy Dee, but she didn’t answer her cell either.

 

Pa came home, and I went up to wait in Hoss’s room. I was lying on Hoss’s bed when the door opened.  I jumped up and then plopped back down.  Adam was as startled to see me as I was to see him.  Then he got on his high horse and started fussing at me about being in Hoss’s room when Hoss wasn’t there.  I told him that was between Hoss and me and he should stay out of it.  Then Adam started in about me being respectful to my elders.  I got mad and threw the pillow off of Hoss’s bed at Adam’s head.  Adam ducked, and that pillow kept flying right into Pa’s face.  He had come up to see what the shouting was about.

 

Adam started right in telling Pa how he needed to take his baby son in hand and give him a lesson in manners. I told Pa he needed to let his oldest son know that nobody had made him king.  Pa said he knew what both his sons needed.  Adam said he was going to his room and get ready to take Joleene out on a date.  Pa put a hand on his arm as he left and gave Adam one of his pa looks.  Adam gave Pa a yes-sir look back.  Then Pa gave me a look, some choice words, and few swats to my backside.  I was so mad that I almost decided to let Joleene have Adam, but Hoss came home and changed my mind.

 

Hoss had talked to the investigator he had hired. The investigator had not found out anything about Joleene Deveroux in New Orleans.  That was the problem.  He had not been able to find any sign that a Joleene Deveroux matching our Joleene Deveroux had ever been in New Orleans. That meant that that woman had lied about her past, about who she was, or both.  Hoss was sure now that she was a real gold digger, but he wasn’t sure how to let Adam know.  He sure didn’t want to tell Adam he’d had his new girlfriend investigated.  Besides we didn’t have enough on that woman to make sure that she didn’t come up with some lie that would have elder brother eating out of her hand even if she had lied to him.  Hey, I could of made up at least three different stories that would have done the job.  I showed Hoss the page from Adam’s note pad, and he near about blew a gasket.  Then we heard Adam’s car leaving. Hoss and me got to feeling real desperate then thinking about our brother in the clutches of a gold digger like that woman.  Hoss barely ate any dinner.  Now, if that don’t convince ya of how upset we were, nothing will.

 

Well, after dinner Hoss called the investigator. The investigator asked if we had anything that “Joleene Deveroux” had touched ‘cause if we had fingerprints he might be able to find out who she was and get us some evidence that would convince even our granite-headed brother that that woman was a no good gold digger. Trouble was that Hop Sing keeps everything so clean that anything she had touched when she was here wouldn’t have a fingerprint left on it.  We decided that we might not have anything now, but we would be getting her fingerprints before too many suns set.

 

Hoss’s next call was to Mary Alice. He found out that Adam had a lunch reservation for two at La Belle De Mar the next day.  Now, if it was a business lunch it would have been at the Cattleman’s Club or the International House, so we were pretty sure that Adam was taking that woman to lunch.  Hoss and I started making plans right then.

 

The first thing we did- well, it was the first thing after I did some pleading and convincing- was have Hoss write me an excuse for school. It said that Hoss was going to pick me up after third period for a dentist appointment.  It was signed Cartwright with a letter in front that might of been a B or might have been an A or any other letter of the alphabet even an E, so Hoss hadn’t really forged Pa’s name.  There was no way Hoss was going on this mission alone.

 

 

Hoss checked me out of school, and we headed to La Belle De Mar. We had thought about maybe stealing her water glass, but Pa has just taught us too strong that stealing is wrong, so we gave up that idea.  We figured that we could hand her something to look at, and then after she handed it back we’d be real careful not to put our fingers where hers had been.  I was the one who thought to make it some glossy photographs.  Our only real problem would be keeping Adam from killing me before we could convince him I wasn’t playing hooky from school which since I was playing hooky was going to be a real neat trick.  He and Pa would find out the truth eventually, but I was hoping that saving my brother would outweigh playing hooky when it came to consequences.

 

 

Hoss and I waited outside La Belle De Mar. There just wasn’t any reason for us to be in a place like that and bumping into them had worked before so why not again.  We didn’t actually have to bump into them, though.  Adam stopped us before we stopped him.  He came roaring over demanding to know why I wasn’t in school and why Hoss was missing class.

 

Now, I never know when Hoss has a class at the university and when he doesn’t, but Adam always seems to remember. I hadn’t known that Hoss was playing hooky too, but I was the one who told the lies for the both of us ‘cause I lie quicker than Hoss.  Now, Adam didn’t believe either one of my lies, but, like I said before, he don’t kill me until he is certain sure.  I knew he’d be calling the school before the afternoon was over but decided to worry about that later.

 

Joleene Deveroux came walking up then, and Hoss and I set out to get those fingerprints. We were sweet-talking that woman, and then I said I had just picked up some pictures and would she like to see the ones of Adam.  Well, she could hardly say no, so I handed them to her.  She oohed and aahed over them.  When she handed them back, I was real careful to only touch the edges before I slipped them back in the envelope.  Then Hoss and I got out of there.  Hoss went straight to the investigator’s office and handed over the photos.  The investigator said he would get back to us as quick as possible. I told Hoss to keep his blamed cell phone with him and turned on.  Then we went home.

 

Adam came home about thirty minutes after we did. I was in my room and heard his car.  I went and looked out the window.  Just watching him walk in, I knew that he knew that I had lied to him on top of playing hooky from school.  He might think Pa should handle the playing hooky, but I knew he would handle the lying to him.  I was of half a mind to take off, but then I heard voices from downstairs.

 

Adam had run into Hoss first, and the two of them were downstairs hollering at each other. Now, Adam and I holler at each other about once a day, but Adam and Hoss hardly ever holler at each other.  They just don’t.  I couldn’t help but go out on the stairs and listen.

 

Adam was furious with Hoss. He thought he had good reason what with Hoss skipping class and helping me play hooky from school to do who knew what, but it obviously couldn’t be something good.  Well, when Adam started raking Hoss over the coals about it, Hoss started to boil. Now, our middle brother has a real slow fuse, and it ain’t often that his temper lets loose, but when it does it is really something.  I think the reason that Hoss got so mad was that Adam had jumped at assuming the worst.  I’m used to Adam assuming the worst about what I do, but Hoss isn’t.  The idea of Adam thinking Hoss was being irresponsible and untrustworthy when Hoss was trying to save Adam just lit a fire in Hoss.

 

I don’t think Adam understood half of what Hoss was hollering. I did, but then I knew what was going on.  I realized that two things were gonna happen if I didn’t do something:  Adam was going to figure out what Hoss was talking about, and Hoss was going to punch our big brother.  I couldn’t let either of those things happen.

 

I dashed downstairs. I can be real brave sometimes.  I ran straight in between Hoss and Adam.  I can also be real stupid sometimes.  Adam lit into me, and Hoss just picked me up and tossed me on the couch.  Then he up and punched Adam in the jaw.  Adam hit the ground.  There aren’t many men who can stay standing when Hoss throws an uppercut.

 

I don’t know what would have happened if Pa hadn’t bellowed just then. It seems he had come in just as Hoss tossed me on the couch.  I haven’t ever heard Pa bellow louder.

 

Hoss looked at Pa, and the fight went out of him just that quick. He reached down and lifted Adam to his feet.  The two of them just stood looking at each other.  Pa asked what on earth was going on, and I held my breath.  It was Adam that answered.  He told Pa it was nothing.  Now, Pa didn’t believe that at all, but he knew from the way Adam said it that he wanted to settle things with Hoss privately.  Pa could tell that Hoss wouldn’t be doing any more punching, so he let it pass and told Adam to go put some ice on his jaw.

 

Pa gave Hoss one of those looks that makes us all feel miserable. I think they make Hoss feel the most miserable, though.  Pa sent me out of the room then, so I didn’t hear what Pa said to Hoss, but I heard Pa call him Eric, which means it was a serious dressing down.

 

I went up to my room to wait for Hoss. I kept listening, but a half hour later I still hadn’t heard him come upstairs.  I was standing looking out my window when I saw Adam come stomping out of the barn, slam into his car, and peel off down the drive.  A couple minutes later, Hoss came out of the barn, and I just knew he had told Adam what we thought about Joleene Deveroux or whoever she really was.  Hoss walked back into the barn, and I went out to talk to him.

 

Hoss was currying Chubby. I started currying Cochise.  Currying a horse is a good thing to do when you’re upset or thinking or don’t know what to say to the person you’re with.  All three applied to me right then.

 

Finally I asked Hoss what he had told Adam. He said he’d told him that we thought Joeleene Deveroux wasn’t the girl for him, but not that she wasn’t who she said she was or that we had an investigator after her.  I asked if he had called Joleene a gold digger.  Hoss said he had asked Adam if he’d thought about the fact that she might be a gold digger and that that was when Adam had gone storming out.  I said maybe that would plant a seed and get our big brother thinking.  Hoss just rolled his eyes to that.

 

Hoss said we’d just have to wait for the investigator to come up with something we could use. We kept on currying the horses a while longer.  Then I asked if Pa knew about us skipping school.  Hoss said Adam hadn’t had time to tell him about it before he went stomping off.  I figured that was the only good thing about Adam and Hoss having that fight, and maybe Adam was so mad he’d just forget about my playing hooky.  I didn’t really think that would happen, but thinking there was a chance kept me from squirming all night.  Adam still hadn’t come home when Pa made me go to bed.

 

Adam was at breakfast the next morning. We almost always eat breakfast as a family.  I kept watching Adam and Pa.  I didn’t think Pa knew about Hoss and me skipping school, and I was wondering if Adam was going to tell him.  Then Adam said he would drive me to school.  I near about choked on my milk before I said okay.  I threw Hoss a look, but he just shrugged.

 

Adam didn’t say nothing until he had the car cruising down the road. Then he said, “You lied to me.”  His voice was real calm.

 

I swallowed hard and said, “Sorry.”

 

“Not good enough,” he said. Then he pulled the car off the road.

 

I said something about being late to school, and he told me he could take care of that. Then he said I hadn’t worried about missing half a day of class just yesterday.  There wasn’t anything that I could say that was gonna help matters, so I didn’t say anything.  Then he told me to get out of the car.  I can tell ya that was about the last thing I wanted to do, but when he came around and opened my door, I did.  He pointed to where he wanted me to go, and we walked into the woods and sat on some fallen trees.  Adam can be so serious sometimes that it’s scary.

 

Then he said he wanted the whole story, and that how well I told the whole truth was going to decide a lot of things. I didn’t tell him the truth just because I was worried about my backside, I just kinda couldn’t lie to him right then.

 

I told him that Hoss and I were worried about that dang article in The Nevadan bringing gold diggers into his life, and that since the article was all my fault, I kinda had to check things out when Joleene Deveroux showed up.  Adam gave me a kinda funny half-smile-half–frown when I said that.  I guess he thought his baby brother protecting him from evil women was sorta funny but irritating.

 

Anyway, he didn’t get mad, so I kept on telling.   I told him that Hoss, me, and the girls didn’t think Joleenne was the right girl for him.  Then he asked me if I planned to let him decide who the right kind of girls for me were.  I told him that there wouldn’t be no letting to it ‘cause he would be letting me know his opinion no matter what.  He didn’t smile, but his eyes kinda grinned, and it was then that I knew things would be all right between us no matter what.

 

I guess that’s what made me go ahead and tell him about the private investigator. His eyes shot sparks when I told about that, so I hurried and told him about there being no Joleene Deveroux from New Orleans.  His eyes got like that piece of obsidian that Pa brought me back from a trip one time when he heard that, but he didn’t explode, so I told him why Hoss and I were playing hooky the day before.  He stood up, and my stomach dropped to my feet, but he just told me to go get in the car.

 

He stayed there by himself for about five minutes, and then he got in the car and drove me to school. He didn’t say a word the whole way there, and I figured it was best to do the same.  When we got to school, I asked if school knew about me playing hooky, and he said that they didn’t.  He asked if I had any plans to do anything but go to school and go home.  I told him I didn’t.  He didn’t have to tell me that he’d kill me if I did anything else ‘cause I knew that already.

 

I went to school, but my mind didn’t stay there. It was trying to go after Adam and figure out what he was doing.  I kept picturing him storming into some room and demanding that woman tell him who she really was.  Even when the teachers were fussing at me about not paying attention, I wasn’t paying attention.  Then I got a message that Hoss would be picking me up from school.  I wanted to go ask the office who had called with the message because there was a big difference right then whether Hoss, Pa, or Adam had called, but I didn’t.  Then Julie- she’s an office helper fifth period- said something to me about taking the call and didn’t my oldest brother have the dreamiest voice- so I knew that Adam had called.  Thinking about what that meant made me real nervous.  I was halfway to the parking lot before the final bell finished ringing.

 

Hoss was there, and I climbed in and asked what was up. He said we were meeting Adam and the investigator at Adam’s office.  Then he asked exactly what had happened on the way to school, and I told him.  Hoss looked real serious and real worried, so I got even more worried than I’d been all day.

 

When we got to Adam’s office, Mary Alice said that Adam would be there in a few minutes. We went into his private office and sat down.  Soon as we heard the door open, we both jumped up.  Adam walked in and snapped at us to sit down.  We sat.  Adam went and stared out the window.  Adam’s office is on the top floor, and he has a really great view.  He stood there looking out, and we sat there being silent until Mary Alice buzzed and announced the investigator.

 

The investigator walked in, and Hoss introduced everybody. Then we all sat down around Adam’s desk.  The investigator said he had the final report and the real identity of the woman we knew as Joleene Deveroux.  He said it to Hoss because Hoss was the one paying him.  Hoss looked at Adam and told the investigator to give the report to him.   Adam took it and read through it while Hoss and I held our breath.

 

The investigator just sat there waiting to answer questions. The only question Adam asked him was how much the total investigation had cost.  He told Adam how much and how much Hoss had already paid.  Then Adam wrote him a check for the rest, and he left.

 

Adam got up and stared out the window some more. I was so nervous that I started to fidget, but I was afraid to get up and didn’t know what to say if I started talking.  Then Hoss said that I should go wait in the outer office with Mary Alice.  I said, “No way,” and Hoss said, “Don’t argue,” and I said, “Don’t boss me!” and Adam roared, “Quiet!”

 

Then Hoss told Adam that they needed to talk and that I was just a kid. What with being nervous and worried and scared all day that was just too much.  My temper blew, and I started shouting.  I shouted until Adam’s hand landing on my backside took my breath away.  I stood there rubbing my behind and glaring at both my brothers.  Adam told Hoss that there was someone he needed to talk to first and that he should take me home.  Then Adam just turned and walked out the door.

 

After a minute or two, I went to Adam’s desk and leaned over to pick up the report. I was just starting to pick it up when something I figured would never happen did happen.  Hoss’s hand landed on my behind harder than Adam’s had.  I spun around and launched myself at Hoss, but he just grabbed me by both my forearms and held me off the ground and away from him.   You can’t keep struggling for long when you’re just hanging in the air, so pretty soon I got still.

 

Hoss set me on the floor and told me that the report was Adam’s business, and if he wanted us to know something that was in it he’d tell us. I figured that was about as likely to happen as pigs are to fly, but I wasn’t going to get a look inside that folder with my linebacker brother in the same room, so I just rolled my eyes.  Then Hoss said that I better not pester Adam or ask him anything about the report.  I rolled my eyes again.  Then Hoss said I better mind what he said or the swat he just gave me wouldn’t be the last one I got from him.  He didn’t say it the way Hoss is always threatening to damage my hide.  No, he said it the way Pa and Adam say it, so I knew this time it was true.  I sighed and said if we were suddenly going to start being obedient, we’d better go home, so we did.

 

When Pa got home, he asked us why we’d been down at the offices without stopping in to see him. For a moment I couldn’t think of anything to say only all the truth I didn’t want to mention.  Would you believe it?  Hoss was the one who up and told Pa we had needed to talk to Adam and somehow had Pa thinking we had gone to settle things about yesterday’s fight.  Well, I guess that was pretty much the truth.  Anyway, Pa decided not to ask any more questions except had we gotten things settled.  Hoss just said that there wouldn’t be any more fighting.

 

Adam made it home for supper but just barely. Mostly he and Pa talked business.  Of course, Hoss and I got a few questions about our day, and I really didn’t lie about school.

 

After supper Adam said he was going for a ride. Pa said that it was almost dark.  Pa doesn’t like us riding around in the dark especially when Adam does it alone, but it’s the one thing that Adam does a lot that Pa really dislikes.  Then Hoss up and said he felt like a ride himself.  I said that sounded good to me.  Adam said my getting my homework done sounded even better.  I started to say I didn’t have any homework, but since the teachers started putting the homework on the Internet, I would have been in trouble for lying when Adam checked.  I started pouting, and I pouted harder when Adam told Hoss to come along.

 

I waited for Hoss to come up to my room and talk to me when he and Adam got back, but he didn’t. When I went downstairs, Pa told me it was time to get ready for bed, and I had to turn around and go right back upstairs.  After Pa came up and said good night, I lay in bed listening for my brothers to come upstairs.  The last time I looked at the clock it was eleven, and neither of them had come up to bed.

 

I usually don’t wake up easy or early, but the sun wasn’t up yet when I woke up the next morning. That meant I must have been worrying all night even in my sleep.  Maybe that’s what Adam knew when I came in his room.

 

Adam was in his bathroom shaving. When I was a real little kid, I would go in the bathroom and watch Adam shave a lot.  I sat down on the edge of the tub and watched him that morning.  My brother Adam can be really hard to read, but that morning I could see he was hurting.  Most people would’ve thought he was looking cold and hard and aloof –Adam taught me that word- but I’m his brother, and I knew he was hurting.

 

He didn’t say anything until after he wiped his face.  Then he told me he hadn’t planned to marry Joleene that day, and if I was going to get a sister-in-law, he’d let me know in time to buy a new suit.  He said it in that tone that scrapes my nerves, and most of the time when he says something that way, I get mad, but I knew he was hurting, so I didn’t.  I said I was sorry for what I’d done.  Then I was real brave and real stupid again and said really soft that he could give me a blistering for all I’d done wrong.

 

He told me he didn’t need my permission.  Then he gave me that odd, old smile of his and said that the only blistering I was going to get would come from Pa when he told him about my playing hooky. Then he went down on his heels in front of me, and we were looking eye to eye.  He said that he had settled with Hoss.  Then he said, “I know why you did it, Joe, and I forgive anything that needs forgiving.”  Now, Adam ain’t a huggy sort of fellow.  I am, though. I guess you can blame that on Pa and Hoss.  Anyway, I leaned forward to wrap my arms around him, but we both got unbalanced, and I ended up knocking him back on his behind with me in his lap.

 

He landed hard and was so surprised that he let loose with a yeow that echoed around the bathroom.  Then he popped my backside, and I let out one that was louder than his. Well, I was wearing only boxers, and Adam can really sting a fellow.

 

I was kinda slumped on my side on the floor rubbing my backside when Adam said that he hadn’t hit me that hard.  He sounded just unsure enough that I decided to go with it. I told him that yes he had and now I was gonna have to get a hiding from Pa when I had a sore tail already.  Then I gave him my best sad-puppy look.

 

Adam snorted and got to his feet.  I just kept rubbing and looking pitiful.  Then I asked in a real weak voice if he please wouldn’t tell Pa.  He didn’t say no right away, so I told him what kinda tanning Pa had promised me if I got caught playing hooky again.  I was gonna mention that it was real unfair that I was gonna get blistered and Hoss wasn’t when he’d done the same thing, but I didn’t want to sound whiny just pitiful, so I didn’t.

 

Adam hardly ever gives into me about things like that or anything else, for that matter. He probably wouldn’t have then except Hoss had come when he heard us hollering, and Hoss gave Adam his sad-puppy look and asked him to please not tell Pa.

 

Adam threw up his hands like he was surrendering.  Then he tugged his ear and said if he promised to keep his mouth shut, we’d better too.  I knew then he hadn’t told Pa about Joleene being a gold digger, and he didn’t plan to ever.  We all spit in our hands and shook on it.  Now, I’m not saying that Pa doesn’t know anything or that he won’t find out anything.  Pa does have his ways, you know.  I’m just saying that he won’t be finding anything out from any of us ‘cause it’s a brother secret, and one thing you don’t ever tell is a brother secret.

 

Tags:  Adam Cartwright, Family, Hoss Cartwright, Joe / Little Joe Cartwright