Summary: \u00a0A WHN for “The Hunter” and “The Crucible.” Twelve years ago,there was Kane; this time, it\u2019s Tanner. Once more, the Cartwrights grapple with the repercussions when one of their own is tortured by a madman. \u00a0Rated PG13 \u00a0 \u00a0 WC 20,300<\/p>\n
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Judge Not<\/strong><\/p>\n <\/p>\n Judge not, that ye be not judged. For with what judgment ye judge, ye shall be judged: and with what measure ye mete, it shall be measured to you again.<\/i><\/p>\n \u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0<\/i> Matthew 7:1-2<\/i><\/p>\n <\/p>\n I hear him. He\u2019s coming. This is my last chance. If I don\u2019t beat him this time, he\u2019ll kill me.<\/p>\n He\u2019s whistling again. That same tune all day, every time he thinks he\u2019s close enough that I can hear. Maybe he was whistling last night, too. I don\u2019t remember.<\/p>\n I crouch low on the roof of the jail. He doesn\u2019t look up. Doesn\u2019t see me watching him. He\u2019s just strolling along like it\u2019s a regular nice day, like he\u2019s not doing anything wrong or even interesting. He calls me: \u201cJoe Cartwright!\u201d But he says it like he\u2019s just looking for me the way a friend might if we were supposed to meet up.<\/p>\n Like he\u2019s not a madman who\u2019s looking to kill me.<\/p>\n I can\u2019t die. I can\u2019t do that to Pa. He\u2019s lost too much. I have to make it through somehow.<\/p>\n I drop the rock down the flue. His head jerks around. His face lights up like somebody just gave him a prize. If I had a gun, I\u2019d shoot him down right now, before he even saw me. Nobody would ever call it murder.<\/p>\n I hold my breath. Go in. Go in, you sick bastard. Go inside, Will Tanner. Go.<\/i><\/p>\n As if he hears my thoughts, he creeps toward the cell. His footsteps make no sound. His mouth is twisted in a triumphant sneer. So clever. He\u2019s going to surprise me.<\/p>\n Guess again.<\/p>\n As soon as he\u2019s inside, I jump down, slam and bolt the door. He howls like a wolf caught in a trap as I slump to the wooden sidewalk. I can\u2019t tell what he\u2019s screaming. I don\u2019t care.<\/p>\n I\u2019m alive. That\u2019s all that matters.<\/p>\n Some would say I won.<\/p>\n *****<\/p>\n I heard the front door open, followed by footsteps. Under other circumstances, I might have smiled; from the time he was ten, Hoss was never able to walk quietly. Now that he was twenty-five and full-grown, his tiptoeing was louder than my regular walking.<\/i><\/p>\n He sat down beside me on the porch step. For a long time, neither of us said anything. My head was so jumbled that I couldn\u2019t have picked a word, much less made a sentence. When I finally blurted out what I thought, it was the one thing I\u2019d sworn I\u2019d never say out loud.<\/i><\/p>\n \u201cHow could he have let it happen?\u201d<\/i><\/p>\n As soon as the words were out, I braced myself. Pa would have given me the rough side of his tongue for even thinking such a thing. I couldn\u2019t imagine Hoss would do any different. If Hoss had been the one to say it, I\u2019d have flown to Adam\u2019s defense.<\/i><\/p>\n He was quiet for so long that I started to wonder if maybe he hadn\u2019t heard me. Maybe those hateful words had stayed inside my head after all. But just as I opened my mouth to say something that wasn\u2019t awful, Hoss said, \u201cIs that what you think?\u201d<\/i><\/p>\n \u201cI don\u2019t know.\u201d I dropped my head into my hands. \u201cI don\u2019t want to think it. But . . . I don\u2019t get it. Why didn\u2019t he try to get away? As soon as he figured out Kane was a madman, why didn\u2019t he beat the tar out of him and run? Why did he stay? I mean, when you\u2019re in the middle of nowhere with a lunatic, who cares what\u2019s civilized or rational or whatever it was? Why didn\u2019t he just kill Kane and get the hell out of there!\u201d<\/i><\/p>\n I didn\u2019t realize I was crying until I felt Hoss\u2019s hand on my shoulder. Almost twenty years old, and I was crying like a little kid. I tried to get myself under control, but it seemed like the harder I tried, the harder the sobs jerked my body. I crammed my hand into my mouth to keep from waking Pa.<\/i><\/p>\n \u201cEasy, Joe,\u201d Hoss murmured. He wrapped his arm around me and pulled me close. I wanted to have enough pride to pull away, but instead, I clung to him and buried my face in his chest.<\/i><\/p>\n Finally, I sat up. He handed me his bandanna, and I wiped my face and blew my nose. I held it out to him, but he shook his head. \u201cYou keep it,\u201d he said in a voice that was clearly meant to make me smile, but I couldn\u2019t.<\/i><\/p>\n \u201cI\u2019m scared,\u201d I whispered.<\/i><\/p>\n \u201cOf what? Adam\u2019s home. He\u2019s safe. He ain\u2019t going nowhere.\u201d<\/i><\/p>\n I shook my head. \u201cThat\u2019s not it.\u201d<\/i><\/p>\n \u201cThen what?\u201d<\/i><\/p>\n I didn\u2019t want to say it. I could barely think the words, so cruel and hateful. But then, like lancing a boil, I let the poison flow. \u201cI\u2019m scared I\u2019ll\u2014oh, God, Hoss. I don\u2019t know. I\u2019m scared\u2014I\u2019m scared I\u2019m never gonna forgive him. I\u2019m scared I might hate him for this.\u201d<\/i><\/p>\n \u201cWhat in tarnation are you talking about?\u201d Hoss demanded. He didn\u2019t sound all warm and big-brotherly now.<\/i><\/p>\n \u201cI don\u2019t know,\u201d I said. \u201cAll I know is Adam went through something horrible out there in the desert, and so did all of us, and now that we\u2019re home it\u2019s no better. It\u2019s worse. Nobody can leave it behind. Don\u2019t you hear Pa at night?\u201d<\/i><\/p>\n \u201cHear what?\u201d He sounded cautious, like he wasn\u2019t sure he wanted to credit anything I was saying.<\/i><\/p>\n \u201cHe paces. I wake up in the middle of the night and I hear him going back and forth, back and forth. I know he\u2019s trying not to wake anybody, because he almost always manages not to hit that board that creaks\u2014you know, the one by the foot of his bed? And then, he goes out of his room, and he opens Adam\u2019s door, and he just stands there and looks in. Finally, he closes the door. Sometimes, he goes down to your room and does the same thing, and then he stops at my room and does it again.\u201d<\/i><\/p>\n \u201cHow do you know what he does?\u201d<\/i><\/p>\n \u201cMy room\u2019s next to his, remember? And I\u2019ve watched him. The first night, I heard him in the hall and I was going to go out and talk to him, but when I opened the door and saw him standing in Adam\u2019s doorway, he turned around and the look on his face\u2014all I could think of was the way he looked when we thought we were going to have to give up. He closed Adam\u2019s door and told me to go back to bed, and he went back to his room. After that, I just stayed in my room and pretended to be asleep when he opened the door.\u201d<\/i><\/p>\n Hoss didn\u2019t say anything, so I kept going. \u201cAnd don\u2019t think I haven\u2019t seen what it\u2019s done to you, either.\u201d<\/i><\/p>\n \u201cWhat\u2019re you talking about?\u201d<\/i><\/p>\n \u201cYou barely let him out of your sight. Wherever Adam is, you\u2019re right there beside him. He can barely go to the outhouse without you tagging along.\u201d<\/i><\/p>\n \u201cYou\u2019re loco.\u201d He stood up, and I jumped to my feet to grab him, to keep him from leaving.<\/i><\/p>\n \u201cI\u2019m not,\u201d I insisted. \u201cYou think about it. I\u2019m right.\u201d<\/i><\/p>\n He shook off my hand. \u201cSo, what\u2019re we supposed to do? Pretend like nothing happened?\u201d<\/i><\/p>\n \u201cNo. No. I don\u2019t know. I don\u2019t know what to do. I just\u2014I wish he hadn\u2019t told us.\u201d Don\u2019t tell me, Adam. Maybe then it won\u2019t be true.<\/i><\/p>\n \u201cHe needed to tell it.\u201d The statement was final, hearing no quarrel. Our brother had needed to tell what happened to him. So we listened.<\/i><\/p>\n \u201cI know.\u201d I sat down again.<\/i><\/p>\n When Adam had said he was ready to tell us what had happened with Kane, we never hesitated. We sat quietly and let him tell the whole story without question or comment. But it didn\u2019t make sense to me. Why on earth would he have cared so much about proving Kane wrong? Who cared whether a civilized man could be driven to kill? And even if there had been a bet or a dare or whatever, once it became clear that Kane was a lunatic, the bet was off. At that point, why hadn\u2019t Adam just done whatever he needed to in order to get out alive, without regard for being civilized or rational? How could my smart big brother be so stupid? What could possibly have made him stay?<\/i><\/p>\n When he finished his story, I started to say, \u201cBut why didn\u2019t you\u2014\u201d Before I could get any more out, Pa said, \u201cJoseph,\u201d in that way he has that usually means I\u2019ve done something wrong, except I didn\u2019t think I had. When I opened my mouth to try again, he repeated, \u201cJoseph.\u201d His meaning was clear this time: \u201cDo not say another word.\u201d<\/i><\/p>\n \u201cIt\u2019s all right, Pa,\u201d Adam said. To me, he said, \u201cWhat were you going to say?\u201d<\/i><\/p>\n I shook my head. \u201cNothing.\u201d<\/i><\/p>\n Now, on the porch step, with Adam\u2019s story racing around in my head like a pair of deranged chipmunks, all I knew was that it didn\u2019t make any sense. I always knew Adam and I were different, but if this was what it meant to be cultured and civilized\u2014that you might choose to stay with a madman until you practically lost your own mind, just to prove you were right\u2014then I didn\u2019t want any part of it.<\/i><\/p>\n I hadn\u2019t noticed that Hoss had sat back down until he said, \u201cYou listen to me. What\u2019s done is done. Adam did the best he could. It don\u2019t matter if it makes sense to you. We need to take his side in this even if we don\u2019t understand it.\u201d<\/i><\/p>\n I knew he was right, but it didn\u2019t make me less scared. Then, something he\u2019d said got my attention: \u201ceven if <\/i>we<\/i> don\u2019t understand it.\u201d<\/i><\/p>\n \u201cDoes it make sense to you what he did?\u201d I asked.<\/i><\/p>\n \u201cIt don\u2019t matter,\u201d he said firmly.<\/i><\/p>\n \u201cWould you have done it? Played the madman\u2019s game? Are you telling me you wouldn\u2019t have just cracked him over the head with a rock and run?\u201d<\/i><\/p>\n \u201cIt don\u2019t matter.\u201d He stood up. \u201cYou get yourself to bed. We got a lot of calves to brand in the morning.\u201d He went into the house and closed the door, leaving me alone in the moonlight with Adam\u2019s inexplicable decision.<\/i><\/p>\n *****<\/p>\n Sunlight filters through the drapes. It takes a minute before I remember where I am. The softness of my own bed. The cool of the morning air. The faint smell of laundry soap on the pillow slip. The throbbing weight of my right\u00a0arm, now properly set and encased in plaster.<\/p>\n The door opens. Jamie pokes his head in. When he sees me looking at him, awake and safe, his grin widens. \u201cHey, Joe.\u201d He sounds so happy that I try to smile with my dry, cracked, sunburned lips.<\/p>\n \u201cHey, Jame,\u201d I murmur. I can\u2019t remember ever feeling so tired. It\u2019s like somebody drained out all my blood.<\/p>\n \u201cYou ready for breakfast?\u201d he asks.<\/p>\n \u201cNot hungry.\u201d I know Pa will insist, but with any luck, it\u2019ll be something light. A piece of toast, maybe.<\/p>\n He looks perplexed. Even after almost two years living with us, he still doesn\u2019t quite know how to read me. The thought dashes across my mind: Hoss would have known<\/i>. But that\u2019s not fair. Jamie\u2019s just a kid. He\u2019s doing his best. In a timid voice, he says, \u201cUm\u2014you want something to drink?\u201d<\/p>\n I relent. \u201cSure. Could use some water.\u201d He bounces into the room in obvious relief. I accept a glass of water and sip slowly. \u201cThanks,\u201d I say.<\/p>\n He sits in the bedside chair, first settling back and then perching on the edge. \u201cHow\u2019re you feeling?\u201d<\/p>\n \u201cFine.\u201d Hoss and Adam would have snorted and rolled their eyes at the obvious lie, but Jamie studies me like he must have missed something.<\/p>\n \u201cYou don\u2019t look like you feel fine,\u201d he says.<\/p>\n I manage a grin. \u201cI\u2019m fine enough to clobber you if you don\u2019t get yourself off to school right now.\u201d<\/p>\n He chortles. \u201cIt\u2019s Saturday!\u201d<\/p>\n \u201cJamie?\u201d Pa calls from downstairs.<\/p>\n \u201cI\u2019m up here!\u201d he calls back. \u201cJoe\u2019s awake!\u201d<\/p>\n \u201cWell, I certainly hope so if you\u2019re sitting in here yelling,\u201d Pa says as he enters the room. He\u2019s carrying a tray. His expression softens as he turns to me. \u201cHow\u2019re you feeling this morning, son?\u201d<\/p>\n \u201cHe says he\u2019s fine,\u201d Jamie says before I can answer. He\u2019s practically bouncing in the chair. His enthusiasm is exhausting.<\/p>\n Pa and I exchange the briefest of looks, but that\u2019s enough. We understand each other. He sends Jamie downstairs and helps me sit up, arranging pillows and settling the tray across my lap. My stomach recoils at the smell of scrambled eggs. \u201cI\u2019m not hungry,\u201d I say.<\/p>\n \u201cEat what you can,\u201d Pa says unexpectedly. Any other time, I\u2019d have been ordered to finish my breakfast.<\/p>\n He stands by the bed, watching, waiting. Almost unsure. But it\u2019s an invitation I\u2019m happy to extend: \u201cKeep me company?\u201d Properly welcomed, he smiles, settling into the bedside chair. I wait for him to say something, but he just watches me. Finally, I take the fork and try to spear a piece of egg.<\/p>\n \u201cNeed a hand?\u201d he asks.<\/p>\n \u201cI got it,\u201d I say. Lucky for me it was my right arm I broke this time. A few years ago, I broke my left arm when a horse got spooked during a thunderstorm, and it got infected pretty badly. It was some time before the swelling went down enough that I could even bend my fingers, which meant trying to eat and dress myself and whatever with the wrong hand. At least this time, I can use my good hand.<\/p>\n \u201cDoc\u2019ll be stopping by later,\u201d Pa says.<\/p>\n \u201cFor what? I\u2019m fine.\u201d I jab at another piece of egg.<\/p>\n \u201cJust to check,\u201d Pa says mildly. He\u2019s used to this by now.<\/p>\n I can\u2019t say I\u2019m surprised the doctor wants to check on me. I don\u2019t remember much about the past few days. I don\u2019t even know how many days it\u2019s been since I came to on that sidewalk in front of the jail. Most of that time\u2019s in bits and pieces, like somebody took a bunch of words and tossed them up in the air and now I\u2019m trying to figure out what the sentence said. A couple times, I\u2019ve wakened with nightmares, but not as much as I might have.<\/p>\n As I eat, I watch Pa as best I can. My eyes still feel dry and scratchy; if I look at anything too long, it gets cloudy. Doc said that\u2019s because I went so long without water. I didn\u2019t think it was that long, but maybe it was. He left some drops to put in my eyes. Maybe I\u2019ll ask Pa to put them in when I finish eating.<\/p>\n The next thing I know, Doc and Pa are standing next to the bed. The tray is gone. I don\u2019t remember anybody taking it. \u201cHey, Doc,\u201d I say. My tongue feels thick, my mouth dry and sticky.<\/p>\n \u201cMorning, Joe,\u201d says Doc Martin. He slides a thermometer into my mouth and instructs me to keep my lips closed. Then, he takes out his stethoscope, sits on the side of the bed, and listens to my heart.<\/p>\n \u201cAm I alive?\u201d I ask when he removes the thermometer.<\/p>\n \u201cFor now,\u201d he says, deadpan. He squints at the thermometer, frowns slightly and puts it away. He fires off a series of questions about how I\u2019m feeling. As always, his face shows nothing while he listens to the answers. Pa hovers, but he doesn\u2019t add anything.<\/p>\n \u201cWhat do you remember about what happened?\u201d the doctor asks.<\/p>\n \u201cNot a lot,\u201d I admit. The doctor looks up at Pa. Something\u2019s going on. \u201cWhat?\u201d I ask.<\/p>\n \u201cWhat do you mean?\u201d Doc asks.<\/p>\n I gesture to the two of them. \u201cWhat\u2019s going on?\u201d I try to focus on Pa. \u201cWhat\u2019s wrong?\u201d<\/p>\n \u201cThe sheriff wants to talk to you,\u201d he says with obvious reluctance.<\/p>\n \u201cAbout what?\u201d<\/p>\n \u201cDon\u2019t worry about it right now,\u201d Doc interrupts. \u201cYou\u2019re nowhere near ready to be talking to anybody.\u201d<\/p>\n \u201cWhat does he want to talk about?\u201d I ask, but the doctor is peering at my eyes.<\/p>\n \u201cHave you been using those drops?\u201d he asks Pa. Pa says we have, but the doctor wants them used more often. At least, that\u2019s what it sounds like. Their voices are getting far away, like they\u2019re riding away while they\u2019re talking. I try to say something to bring them back, but instead they fade out as blackness descends.<\/p>\n When I waken, I\u2019m alone. The room is more in shadow than light now. My head is pounding, my arm aches, and my stomach is flopping like a trout on the hook. Without thinking, I call for the one person I need most now.<\/p>\n \u201cHoss.\u201d<\/p>\n The word is more breath than sound, but hearing it is enough to return me to the present. Hoss isn\u2019t going to come. He can\u2019t. He\u2019s dead, has been for more than a year. It\u2019s a truth that never gets easier. Acid-hot tears well up in my eyes. I want Hoss. I want my big brother.<\/p>\n A tap, and the door opens. I squinch my eyes shut and try to keep my breathing smooth and even. The door clicks shut. I relax and open my eyes.<\/p>\n Standing beside the closed door is Candy. \u201cFigured you might be playing possum.\u201d<\/p>\n \u201cGet out.\u201d I rub at my eyes in the hope that if he thinks they look red, he\u2019ll believe it was from rubbing.<\/p>\n He shakes his head. \u201cI told your pa I\u2019d look in on you. It was the only way he\u2019d agree to get some rest.\u201d<\/p>\n \u201cWhat do you mean?\u201d<\/p>\n Candy shrugs. \u201cYou know your pa. He worries. So I told him I\u2019d check up on you, make sure you were drinking and all that. Which reminds me. . . .\u201d He pours a glass of water and hands it to me. \u201cBe sure to drink all of that,\u201d he says.<\/p>\n I drink rather than have to talk. When I finish the water, he lights the bedside lamp, makes me put my head back, and puts the drops in my eyes. Then, he dips a cloth in cool water and lays it over my eyes.<\/p>\n \u201cYou shoulda been a nursemaid,\u201d I say.<\/p>\n \u201cI am,\u201d he says. I hear him settle into the bedside chair. Almost like he knows I don\u2019t want to think, he talks about what\u2019s going on around the ranch. He tells how the grazing\u2019s pretty well finished in the north pasture, how many men he figures we\u2019ll need to move the herd, and how they\u2019re still trying to decide which pasture to move them to. It\u2019s sort of like when I was sick as a kid and Adam would read to me. It wasn\u2019t the story that mattered. All I needed was the sound of his voice, keeping me afloat as I drifted along a quiet, undemanding stream of words.<\/p>\n Then, something Candy said before breaks through: You know your pa. He worries. <\/i>I sit upright, the cloth dropping to my lap. \u201cIs my pa all right?\u201d I demand, only half-aware that I\u2019m interrupting.<\/p>\n \u201cSure. He\u2019s just taking a nap. Now, lay back and let me put this over your eyes.\u201d He picks up the cloth, but I shove his hand away.<\/p>\n \u201cI need to know if he\u2019s all right.\u201d I can hear my voice wobbling. All at once, the sounds of years gone by echo in my mind. Pa pacing, avoiding the creaking board. Opening the bedroom door and standing in the doorway, keeping watch over the son he so nearly lost, and checking on the others to be sure they\u2019re not lost. Except they are: Adam is gone to Europe, and Hoss is gone forever. And I was nearly lost to a madman, just like Adam was all those years ago.<\/p>\n I shove the covers aside and try to stand, but a sudden tornado of sparkles swirls around me. Candy catches me before I crumple to the floor. \u201cEasy, Joe,\u201d he grunts as he hoists me onto the bed.<\/p>\n \u201cI need to talk to Pa,\u201d I insist even as Candy lays me back and draws the bedclothes up over me.<\/p>\n \u201cHe\u2019s sleeping now. Don\u2019t worry, he\u2019ll be up soon,\u201d says Candy. \u201cIn the meantime, why don\u2019t you get some rest?\u201d<\/p>\n \u201cYou have to tell me the truth. Is he okay?\u201d I grab his wrist with my good hand.<\/p>\n \u201cJoe, he\u2019s fine. I swear. He\u2019s just taking a nap. It\u2019s been a tough few days for him. He\u2019s tired, but he\u2019s okay. Now, settle down or I\u2019ll hogtie you to the bedposts.\u201d<\/p>\n \u201cEverything all right?\u201d comes Pa\u2019s voice from the doorway. The lamplight doesn\u2019t stretch quite far enough to let me see his face.<\/p>\n \u201cFine,\u201d I say. My tone warns Candy not to say otherwise. \u201cCandy said you were resting. You okay?\u201d<\/p>\n \u201cOh, sure,\u201d he says breezily. \u201cI had a good sleep. How about you?\u201d<\/p>\n \u201cI slept a lot,\u201d I say. I wait for Candy to tell him about my unsuccessful attempt at standing, but he merely reports on drinking and eye drops. I force myself to smile for Pa. Finally, he and Candy leave, and I can let the mask drop. I feel like ice water is running through me instead of blood as the realization sinks in.<\/p>\n I\u2019m not the first Cartwright to be tortured by a madman.<\/p>\n *****<\/p>\n \u201cHere you go, Adam.\u201d<\/i><\/p>\n Hoss handed him a battered tin plate of beans and a spoon. It always seemed to fall to Hoss to make lunch when we were branding. I didn\u2019t mind getting out of that job, but I wished Hoss would learn to cook something besides beans.<\/i><\/p>\n I took a plate and spoon, and Hoss scooped up a serving of beans onto my plate. Turning, I bumped squarely into Adam, landing beans on my shirt and my spoon in the dirt. \u201cWatch where you\u2019re going!\u201d I said. I did my best to brush the beans off my shirt with my hand, which only succeeded in getting bean sauce on my hand. \u201cDamn,\u201d I muttered. I picked up the spoon out of the dirt, wiped it on my pants, and sat on a log.<\/i><\/p>\n \u201cWait, Joe, let me wash that,\u201d said Adam. \u201cI\u2019ve got my canteen right here. I\u2019ll wash it for you.\u201d<\/i><\/p>\n \u201cWhat?\u201d I couldn\u2019t remember ever hearing Adam say anything like that. Maybe when I was a little kid and tried to eat something I\u2019d dropped on the ground, but not since.<\/i><\/p>\n \u201cYou can\u2019t eat with that spoon. It\u2019s dirty.\u201d Adam reached for the spoon.<\/i><\/p>\n Instinctively, I held it out of his reach. \u201cIt\u2019s fine,\u201d I said. \u201cI wiped it off.\u201d<\/i><\/p>\n Adam huffed in exasperation. \u201cJoe, you can\u2019t eat with a dirty spoon. Now, give it to me.\u201d<\/i><\/p>\n \u201cGive him the spoon, Little Joe!\u201d one of the hands chortled.<\/i><\/p>\n \u201cYeah, Little Joe! Let your big brother feed you!\u201d another called.<\/i><\/p>\n \u201cI don\u2019t need you to take care of me! I\u2019m fine!\u201d Glaring, I scooped up a spoonful of beans and shoved them into my mouth. The hands hooted and hollered. Adam stared at me, his expression unreadable. Then, he turned and walked over to his horse. After a minute, he tightened his cinch, mounted and rode off.<\/i><\/p>\n \u201cWhat\u2019s with him?\u201d I asked.<\/i><\/p>\n Hoss shrugged. \u201cDunno.\u201d He watched the direction Adam had gone, but our brother didn\u2019t come back. Finally, he went back to dishing up beans for the men.<\/i><\/p>\n *****<\/p>\n The front door opens, and Candy strolls in, grinning with the satisfaction of a man who had a good trip to town. It couldn\u2019t have been too good a trip; he had Jamie with him, and he knows better than to be taking that boy to a saloon or a visit to D Street. Pa would have both their hides for that.<\/p>\n \u201cWhat\u2019d you do with the kid?\u201d I\u2019m stretched out on the settee with a book. Doc\u2019s orders, and Pa\u2019s a bear about enforcing them: rest, food, water, and more rest. I complain, but my heart\u2019s not in it. Even after more than two weeks, I still get tired out a lot faster than I want to admit.<\/p>\n \u201cTraded him for a mule and a pair of boots,\u201d Candy drawls as he unbuckles his gunbelt.<\/p>\n \u201cBetter be a good mule,\u201d I comment.<\/p>\n \u201cGood boots, anyway,\u201d he shrugs as Jamie comes in from the barn. The job of tending the horses always falls to the youngest.<\/p>\n \u201cDid you tell him what came?\u201d Jamie demands.<\/p>\n \u201cSomething came?\u201d I don\u2019t see any packages.<\/p>\n Jamie\u2019s grin threatens to split his face. \u201cLetter from Adam!\u201d<\/p>\n It tickles me how excited he gets about these letters from a man he\u2019s never met. The kid was so hungry for family when he came here that he\u2019d have latched onto almost anybody who\u2019d toss him a kind word and a piece of bread. When we decided to adopt him, Jamie wanted to sit right down and write to his new brother, Adam. He felt it was proper for him to introduce himself since they were going to be kin. It was all Hoss and I could do not to laugh out loud at his excitement. Of course, Adam already knew all about Jamie from Pa. When the adoption was official, Adam sent Jamie a fancy certificate he\u2019d had lettered by somebody in Boston, declaring that James Hunter Cartwright was now the legal son of Benjamin Cartwright and the legal brother of Adam Stoddard Cartwright, Erik Gunnar Cartwright, and Joseph Francis Cartwright. Hoss and I got it framed, and it\u2019s been hanging in Jamie\u2019s room ever since.<\/p>\n Adam\u2019s always been good about writing letters home. Back when he was in college, we got a letter at least once a month. His letters and our responses often crossed, which meant we were sometimes asking about people or events he\u2019d already explained. Now that there are trains linking east and west, letters travel back and forth a lot faster, so it\u2019s easier to keep track of what he\u2019s doing. On the other hand, it\u2019s harder now to keep up with where he is. Last time we heard from him, a few weeks before my run-in with Tanner, he was planning to leave London and return to Boston to work on a new building. I\u2019m hoping this letter means he\u2019s back in New England.<\/p>\n Jamie waves the letter at me. I grab his arm to hold the letter still enough to read. As I expected, it\u2019s addressed to Pa. Not that I\u2019m surprised; I haven\u2019t written to Adam since before Tanner. Even so, a part of me is disappointed that he\u2019s not writing to me anyway.<\/p>\n After supper, we gather around to hear what Adam has to say. Pa reads aloud Adam\u2019s account of life in London. Then, he reaches the part we were all hoping for:<\/p>\n I\u2019m pleased to report that we won the bid on the Reinhold project. By the time you read this, I\u2019ll be on my way to Boston. Do you suppose there\u2019s any chance that the Ponderosa could spare a few Cartwrights long enough for you to come for a visit? I\u2019ll be opening up my house and you know there\u2019s plenty of room. It\u2019s been too many years since our last time together. Please think about it.<\/i><\/p>\n \u201cPa, can we go? Can we? Can we?\u201d Jamie bounces in his chair like a droplet in a hot skillet.<\/p>\n \u201cEasy, boy,\u201d Pa chuckles. \u201cWe\u2019ll have to see how things go.\u201d He doesn\u2019t look at me, but I know one of the \u201cthings\u201d is whether I\u2019m up for the trip.<\/p>\n That night, I dream about Tanner, but it\u2019s not the usual dream. This time, he has an accomplice. I don\u2019t recognize the man, but he keeps laughing and telling me how he knew my brother and that I\u2019m going to end up just like him. He won\u2019t tell me anything more even when I scream at him and beat him with my fists. \u201cTell me!\u201d I shout. \u201cTell me what you did to him! Tell me!\u201d<\/p>\n \u201cJoseph! Joe, wake up!\u201d<\/p>\n I wake to find Pa sitting on the bed, holding my shoulders and shaking me. \u201cJoe! Joe, it\u2019s Pa! Wake up!\u201d he\u2019s practically shouting.<\/p>\n \u201cPa?\u201d It takes time for the dream to fade, but finally, I\u2019m in my own room, my own bed. My breath comes hard and rough, like I\u2019ve been running.<\/p>\n \u201cTake it easy, son,\u201d he says. He lights the bedside lamp and adjusts the flame so it\u2019s low. I look up to see Candy and Jamie in the doorway.<\/p>\n \u201cThought you might want a little something,\u201d says Candy. He comes in and hands me a small glass. They\u2019re the ones Pa uses for brandy, but Candy\u2019s filled it to the brim with whiskey. A good man, Candy.<\/p>\n \u201cThanks,\u201d I say. I toss it down before Pa can comment.<\/p>\n \u201cIs there anything I can do?\u201d Jamie asks. He sounds so hopeful that I wish there was something. The truth is that all I want is for everybody to go back to bed and leave me be. The dream is already vanishing like the smoke of a campfire in the cool night air, and I don\u2019t want to lose it. There was something there I need.<\/p>\n \u201cI\u2019m okay,\u201d I announce. I know they mean well, but it\u2019s embarrassing to have a crowd show up for my nightmare.<\/p>\n \u201cYou two go back to bed,\u201d says Pa. The message is clear: he\u2019s staying. Adam and Hoss might have protested, but Candy and Jamie bid us good night and leave. When we\u2019re alone, Pa says, \u201cWould it help to talk about it?\u201d<\/p>\n I shake my head. He obviously thinks I was dreaming about Tanner. I don\u2019t want to tell him how Tanner was the less disturbing part this time. I assure him I\u2019m fine. He doesn\u2019t look entirely convinced, but he gets to his feet. I try not to notice how stiffly he moves, especially at night or when he\u2019s tired. He\u2019s well into his sixties, but he never really seemed old until Hoss died. Losing Hoss aged Pa in a way nothing else could have.<\/p>\n \u201cI think we should go visit Adam,\u201d I say suddenly. Maybe spending time with one son will distract him from another.<\/p>\n \u201cWe can talk about that in the morning,\u201d Pa says. \u201cYou think you can go back to sleep now?\u201d<\/p>\n \u201cSure,\u201d I say. If I were younger, he\u2019d hug me or squeeze my hand and tell me to call if I needed him. Instead, he pats my arm and turns down the flame, bidding me a good night and pulling the door closed behind him.<\/p>\n Alone in the dark, I try to call up the face of the second man, but it\u2019s no use. I know that I knew him, but I also know I\u2019d never seen him before. Trying to puzzle this out, I fall asleep.<\/p>\n *****<\/p>\n I\u2019m coming down the stairs as I hear the knock at the front door. \u201cI\u2019ll get it,\u201d I tell Pa, who\u2019s already settled in at his desk. I open the door to see Clem standing there, looking uncomfortable.<\/p>\n \u201cMorning, Clem,\u201d I say. \u201cCome on in.\u201d<\/p>\n \u201cMorning, Little Joe,\u201d he says. Little Joe. <\/i>He picked that up from Roy Coffee, who knew me back when I really was Little Joe. Most times, Clem just calls me Joe. When \u201cLittle Joe\u201d slips out, something\u2019s up.<\/p>\n Pa comes around the corner as Clem takes off his hat. The significance of that gesture is not lost on either of us. \u201cClem, what\u2019s wrong?\u201d Pa asks.<\/p>\n My mouth goes dry as I do an automatic head count. Pa\u2019s here. I can hear Hop Sing in the kitchen. But Candy and Jamie\u2014I don\u2019t know where they are. And . . . no. Not my brother. Not Adam.<\/i><\/p>\n \u201cThis came in late last night,\u201d Clem says, holding out a piece of paper. \u201cI didn\u2019t see any point in disturbing you then.\u201d<\/p>\n I exhale with relief. Clem would never have waited overnight if it was serious, like somebody dying. I reach for the paper. I read it, then read it again. I hand it to Pa without comment, and he reads it over.<\/p>\n \u201cWhat does this mean?\u201d he asks Clem. His voice is even, almost expressionless. You\u2019d have to have lived with him for thirty-two years to hear that tiny note of fear.<\/p>\n \u201cI\u2019m sure it\u2019s just a formality,\u201d Clem says. \u201cI reckon the Army just wanted to make sure Joe wasn\u2019t going any place until they got someone out here to give him the official papers about the hearing.\u201d<\/p>\n The sling\u2019s knot is pressing on the back of my neck like my arm just got a thousand times heavier. \u201cWhere would I go?\u201d I demand. \u201cI have no reason to run. I didn\u2019t do anything wrong.\u201d<\/p>\n \u201cNobody\u2019s saying you did,\u201d Pa begins, but I ignore him.<\/p>\n \u201cTanner was a madman,\u201d I say, my voice getting louder. \u201cEven if I had killed him\u2014which I didn\u2019t\u2014it would have been self-defense. He was trying to kill me.\u201d<\/p>\n \u201cI know,\u201d says Clem. \u201cBut he was in the Army, and the Army takes care of its own.\u201d He\u2019s getting that tone in his voice that he uses to settle down riled-up drunks. \u201cThey have to go according to the rules, and those rules say they\u2019re responsible for all their soldiers. So when a soldier dies under what they call \u2018suspicious circumstances,\u2019 they have to hold a hearing to find out what happened.\u201d<\/p>\n Pa\u2019s patience is slipping. \u201cWhat happened is that he died while he was trying to kill my son! And Joe didn\u2019t have anything to do with him dying. That Harve fellow said Tanner didn\u2019t have a mark on him, and Joe wasn\u2019t even conscious when Harve found them. What more does the Army need to know?\u201d<\/p>\n \u201cBen, I don\u2019t know why the Army does everything it does. All I know is what they\u2019ve told me here.\u201d Clem motions toward the paper Pa\u2019s still clutching.<\/p>\n \u201cSo, what does this mean? I\u2019m not allowed to go any place? I have to stay on the ranch? Or do you want to put me in jail?\u201d I don\u2019t even try to disguise my anger. \u201cI\u2019m the one who nearly got murdered, remember?\u201d I won\u2019t say victim<\/i>. I was not that lunatic\u2019s victim. \u201cHow did I become the villain?\u201d<\/p>\n \u201cEasy, Joe.\u201d Pa\u2019s voice is steady now.<\/p>\n Irritation creeps out around the edges of Clem\u2019s voice. \u201cLook, Joe, this isn\u2019t my doing. I don\u2019t have any choice. It says you have to be in custody, but it doesn\u2019t say I have to lock you up, so I don\u2019t figure I need to as long as you give me your word that you\u2019re not going to run off.\u201d<\/p>\n \u201cOh, for the love of the Almighty!\u201d It\u2019s as close to swearing as Pa will allow himself. \u201cEven if he wanted to run off, how could he? He\u2019s got a broken arm and he\u2019s barely back on his feet! Ask Doc Martin if you don\u2019t believe me!\u201d<\/p>\n \u201cI\u2019m sorry, Ben, but I have to do this.\u201d But Clem doesn\u2019t sound sorry; he sounds like he\u2019s keeping a tight rein on his temper. He\u2019s not the villain here, either. \u201cJoe, I need you to give me your word that you\u2019re going to stay on the Ponderosa until the Army sends further instructions.\u201d I can hear the or else<\/i> in his voice.<\/p>\n \u201cHow long is that going to take?\u201d Pa demands.<\/p>\n \u201cI don\u2019t know.\u201d Clem\u2019s voice is clipped now. He turns to face me squarely, cutting Pa out of the conversation. \u201cJoe, I need your word.\u201d<\/p>\n \u201cFine.\u201d I bite the word off. \u201cYou have it. I won\u2019t leave the Ponderosa. Satisfied?\u201d<\/p>\n Clem nods. \u201cI\u2019ll let you know as soon as I hear anything more.\u201d He puts on his hat and leaves us standing there, Pa still holding the telegram from the Army.<\/p>\n When Candy comes back an hour later, Pa and I are still taking turns raging and calming each other down. Candy studies the paper, which by now is pretty well crumpled. Then, he looks at us with an expression I\u2019ve never seen on him. He reminds me of a sheriff who\u2019s collecting facts before making up his mind about a crime. All he says is, \u201cLet me see what I can find out. I should be back in about ten days.\u201d<\/p>\n \u201cWait\u2014where are you going?\u201d Pa asks.<\/p>\n \u201cFort Lowell,\u201d he says like it was obvious.<\/p>\n \u201cAnd what makes you think they\u2019ll tell you anything?\u201d I demand.<\/p>\n A slight smirk crosses his face. \u201cI was an Army brat, remember? Sergeant Canaday\u2019s boy knows how to talk to the Army.\u201d<\/p>\n True to his word, Candy rides in ten days later, unshaven and bearing information. \u201cTanner escaped from the Army prison,\u201d he says. He hasn\u2019t even bothered to wash off the trail dust, but Pa doesn\u2019t stop him when he plunks himself down on the settee. \u201cSeems Tanner was involved in a massacre,\u201d Candy continues. \u201cSomeplace called Bald Mountain. Women and children were killed. Word is he\u2019d lost his mind, but I couldn\u2019t get anybody to say whether they thought he\u2019d gone loco before the massacre or as a result. Either way, he was sentenced to life in prison by the military court, but he escaped. I reckon that\u2019s when he found Joe.\u201d<\/p>\n \u201cBut he was dressed like a civilian,\u201d I say. \u201cExcept for his boots. He had Jefferson boots.\u201d Candy nodded. Jefferson boots were standard issue for the Army. \u201cI even asked if he\u2019d been in the Army. He said a long time ago.\u201d<\/p>\n \u201cAfter he escaped, he killed some fellow and stole his horse and gear,\u201d Candy says. \u201cLess than three miles from the fort. Stole the fellow\u2019s clothes, but I guess he kept his own boots.\u201d<\/p>\n \u201cI thought he was just a regular sort,\u201d I say. \u201cThat\u2019s why I trusted him.\u201d<\/p>\n \u201cAnyone would,\u201d Pa says. I know he\u2019s trying to make me feel better, but his comment irritates me. It\u2019s like he\u2019s making excuses for me.<\/p>\n \u201cWasn\u2019t the Army looking for him?\u201d Jamie asks.<\/p>\n \u201cUh-huh,\u201d says Candy. \u201cBut Tanner was some sort of expert scout and tracker. Hiding was one of his specialties, and finding people was another.\u201d His eyes cut over to me, and I nod in agreement.<\/p>\n \u201cThe thing I don\u2019t understand is why he stopped to play his game with me,\u201d I say. \u201cIf I\u2019d had the Army looking for me, I wouldn\u2019t have stopped for anything more than maybe water.\u201d<\/p>\n Candy shrugs. \u201cI don\u2019t know. You probably know more about what was going on with him at that point than anybody.\u201d<\/p>\n \u201cAll I know is, he looked normal,\u201d I say. \u201cI had no idea he was anything else until the next morning when my horse and all my supplies were gone and he said he was going to give me a head start before he came after me, and then he said . . . he said I was going to want to kill him.\u201d Too late, I remember that I never meant to tell Pa this. I sure as hell never meant for Jamie to hear it. I don\u2019t dare meet their eyes.<\/p>\n A long silence stretches out. Then, Pa stands, signaling that the discussion is finished. \u201cCandy, I can\u2019t thank you enough for doing this,\u201d he says. \u201cIt explains a lot.\u201d<\/p>\n \u201cThanks, Candy,\u201d I echo.<\/p>\n \u201cNo problem,\u201d he says. He stands and stretches. \u201cI think I\u2019m going to go and wash the trail off me. Probably lose ten pounds doing it.\u201d He starts to leave the room, then turns back. \u201cJamie, go saddle a couple horses. We ought to check on that crew riding fence out by Buckhorn Meadow.\u201d His foreman voice is so casual that anybody listening would just think he wants the kid to ride with him. I know Candy better than that, though. He wants to get Jamie\u2019s mind off what he just heard. Candy might not be a brother, but he thinks like one.<\/p>\n After they leave, Pa looks down at me, still seated in the blue velvet chair by the stairs. This is where Adam always used to sit. I don\u2019t know why he liked it so much. It\u2019s not a comfortable chair. I\u2019d say we should get rid of it, but Adam might want to sit in it if he ever comes to visit.<\/p>\n \u201cWhy don\u2019t you go upstairs and rest for a while,\u201d Pa suggests. \u201cLunch won\u2019t be ready for another hour.\u201d<\/p>\n I try to think of something to distract him. \u201cWe need to do something with this chair,\u201d I say finally. \u201cIt needs a new cushion or something.\u201d<\/p>\n \u201cI\u2019ll speak to Hop Sing,\u201d Pa says. He waits quietly until I rise and make my way up the stairs. At the top, around the corner, I pause. I hear his boots on the wooden floor as he crosses to his desk. The scrape of the chair legs as he pulls it back. The squeak as he sits. Another scrape as he pulls the chair up to the desk.<\/p>\n And a single, quiet sound that could be a catch of breath.<\/p>\n Or a muffled sob.<\/p>\n *****<\/p>\n \u201cWhere\u2019s your brother?\u201d Pa asked as Hoss and I came into the house.<\/i><\/p>\n \u201cHe\u2019s washing up,\u201d said Hoss.<\/i><\/p>\n It had been nearly three months since we brought Adam home from the desert. To anybody who didn\u2019t know any better, he was pretty much back to normal. He rode with us, did chores with us, sat in the living room in the evening with us. He was more cautious than he used to be, but we figured that would fade in time.<\/i><\/p>\n There even came a day when he was willing to go into Virginia City with me to pick up supplies. I drove the buckboard, and Adam spent most of the trip looking around like somebody might be lurking around the next curve. I did my best to distract him with every dumb story I could think of, and it seemed to work because eventually, he stopped looking around so much and actually looked at me when I talked. When we got to Virginia City, a few people commented that they hadn\u2019t seen him in a while. I just said we\u2019d all been real busy out at the Ponderosa, and that took care of it.<\/i><\/p>\n When we were done loading supplies, I suggested stopping for a beer. I didn\u2019t really expect him to go along with it, but he said it sounded good. So, we went over to the Silver Dollar and stood at the bar with our drinks, and it was just like old times except for one thing: before he would drink out of the glass, Adam took out his handkerchief and wiped all around the rim.<\/i><\/p>\n \u201cWhat\u2019s the matter?\u201d I asked. The glass looked fine. Nobody was ever going to call Sam the all-time great housekeeper of the world, but Adam had never complained about his glasses before.<\/i><\/p>\n \u201cNothing.\u201d Adam put back his handkerchief and sniffed the beer.<\/i><\/p>\n \u201cWhat are you doing?\u201d I asked. I sniffed mine too, just in case, but it smelled the way it always did.<\/i><\/p>\n \u201cNothing,\u201d he said again. He waited for me to drink, and then he took a sip. He didn\u2019t drink much, but I put that down to the fact that the beer was kind of warm. I didn\u2019t drink all of mine, either.<\/i><\/p>\n When we got home, Hoss was in the barn. He had straw sticking out of his hair and manure on his boots, but that was normal. Adam and I tended to the team while Hoss finished cleaning the other stalls, and then we headed in for supper.<\/i><\/p>\n \u201cI\u2019ve just got to wash up,\u201d said Adam. \u201cI\u2019ll be right in.\u201d<\/i><\/p>\n \u201cYou should wash up, too,\u201d I said to Hoss. \u201cYou smell like a pigsty.\u201d<\/i><\/p>\n \u201cYou know, Little Brother, you ain\u2019t exactly a bed of roses yourself,\u201d he retorted.<\/i><\/p>\n So, the three of us ended up in the bathhouse. Me and Hoss finished up fast and went on in to supper. I figured Adam would be right behind us.<\/i><\/p>\n Fifteen minutes later, we were all sitting around the table, still waiting. \u201cDid Adam say he was coming in?\u201d Pa asked.<\/i><\/p>\n \u201cYep,\u201d said Hoss.<\/i><\/p>\n Hop Sing stomped into the dining room, pigtail flying. \u201cEverybody eat! Food get cold!\u201d<\/i><\/p>\n \u201cJoe, go see what\u2019s keeping Adam,\u201d said Pa.<\/i><\/p>\n I dropped my napkin on the table and went back out to the bathhouse in time to see Adam pulling up his drawers. All of his clothes were draped neatly on the side of the tub. His hair was glistening wet.<\/i><\/p>\n \u201cWhat are you doing? What\u2019d you do? Take a bath?\u201d<\/i><\/p>\n \u201cI just needed to wash up,\u201d he said like any idiot would have known this.<\/i><\/p>\n \u201cBut\u2014\u201d I waved my hand to indicate the way he was\u2014or wasn\u2019t\u2014dressed. \u201cI thought you were just going to wash your hands.\u201d<\/i><\/p>\n \u201cI was dusty from the ride into town,\u201d Adam said. He considered his clothes. \u201cI should probably change.\u201d<\/i><\/p>\n \u201cFor what? It ain\u2019t like we\u2019re having company. Now, get dressed and let\u2019s go before Hoss eats everything in sight!\u201d<\/i><\/p>\n Adam picked up his trousers and raised an eyebrow at me. \u201cDo you mind?\u201d<\/i><\/p>\n \u201cMind? What are you talking about?\u201d<\/i><\/p>\n \u201cI\u2019d like to get dressed.\u201d<\/i><\/p>\n \u201cSo go ahead. I\u2019m not stopping you.\u201d But it was clear that he wasn\u2019t going to do any more with me standing there, so I snorted my disgust and went back to the dining room. \u201cHe\u2019ll be right in,\u201d I said. \u201cHe decided he needed to wash up.\u201d Pa and Hoss looked confused, and I just shrugged.<\/i><\/p>\n A few minutes later, Adam strolled into the dining room, as casual as if he was right on time. Pa asked the blessing, we all started passing bowls and platters, and Hoss and I grumbled about how all the food had gotten cold while we were waiting. Adam didn\u2019t seem to notice.<\/i><\/p>\n *****<\/p>\n By the time the Army gets a detail out here to give formal notice about the hearing, the cast on my arm has been exchanged for a splint. I still get tired a lot faster than I used to, and I still have nightmares, but I\u2019m coming along.<\/p>\n I\u2019m on the porch reading when three riders on identical bay geldings ride in. Their uniforms are covered in dust. At the first glimpse of their blue tunics, my heart starts to pound so hard that I\u2019d swear it\u2019s about to come right through my chest. Easy, Joe,<\/i> I tell myself, just as Pa would. I\u2019m safe on the Ponderosa. They can\u2019t do anything to me here.<\/p>\n The three soldiers dismount and approach the porch. Deliberately, I remain seated, my gaze fixed on my book like I don\u2019t even realize they\u2019re here.<\/p>\n \u201cMr. Cartwright?\u201d<\/p>\n Lazily, I close my book, holding my place with one finger. I look each man up and down before I speak. \u201cYeah?\u201d My voice is a little breathier than I\u2019d like.<\/p>\n \u201cMr. Joseph Cartwright?\u201d The one in the middle seems to be in charge. His skin is deeply tanned, and his eyebrows are so thick and bushy they look like one continuous line of hair.<\/p>\n \u201cYeah. That\u2019s me.\u201d Good. More control this time.<\/p>\n \u201cYou need to come with us,\u201d says Eyebrow.<\/p>\n Like hell I will. <\/i>I take a deep breath to steady myself. I set down the book and grip the edge of the table. \u201cYou know I\u2019m not in the Army, right?\u201d<\/p>\n \u201cYes, Mr. Cartwright,\u201d says Eyebrow. No yeah<\/i> for him.<\/p>\n \u201cThen you know you have no right to make me go anywhere.\u201d I\u2019m not exactly sure that\u2019s right, but it doesn\u2019t matter. I\u2019m not going. I wish I had my gun out here.<\/p>\n \u201cMr. Cartwright, we\u2019re here to escort you to St. Louis,\u201d says Eyebrow.<\/p>\n St. Louis? <\/i>\u201cAre you insane?\u201d I demand. \u201cI\u2019m not going to St. Louis with you. I\u2019m not going anywhere with you. Now get off my land.\u201d<\/p>\n \u201cMr. Cartwright\u2014\u201d<\/p>\n \u201cLook, sergeant, I know my name. You don\u2019t have to keep reminding me.\u201d<\/p>\n Eyebrow straightens a fraction more. Clearly, he doesn\u2019t care for my attitude. \u201cMr. Cartwright, I am under orders to escort you to St. Louis for a military hearing into the death of Corporal William Tanner.\u201d<\/p>\n \u201cYou\u2019ve got orders?\u201d I sneer.<\/p>\n \u201cYes, Mr. Cartwright.\u201d<\/p>\n \u201cThen let me see them.\u201d<\/p>\n \u201cSee what?\u201d<\/p>\n \u201cYour orders. Let me see them.\u201d I hold out my hand.<\/p>\n \u201cMr. Cartwright\u2014\u201d<\/p>\n \u201cSince the whole reason you\u2019re here in the first place is that the Army let a lunatic escape from prison and<\/i> you let him murder an innocent man and steal his clothes and gear, and<\/i> he damned near killed me\u2014all as a result of your<\/i> incompetence\u2014I\u2019m sure you\u2019ll understand why I\u2019m not inclined to go off with a bunch of strangers just because they claim<\/i> to be in the Army.\u201d I don\u2019t even try to hide my anger.<\/p>\n \u201cMr. Cartwright\u2014\u201d<\/p>\n \u201cEither show me the damned orders or get off my land!\u201d At last, I\u2019m on my feet.<\/p>\n Pa comes out of the house. \u201cWhat\u2019s going on here?\u201d<\/p>\n \u201cMr. Cartwright\u2014\u201d Eyebrow begins.<\/p>\n \u201cThat\u2019s Major<\/i> Cartwright to you, Sergeant,\u201d I interrupt. It\u2019s been years since Pa retired from the militia, but occasionally the title still comes in handy.<\/p>\n All three men snap to attention and salute. Pa returns the salute and repeats, \u201cWhat\u2019s going on?\u201d<\/p>\n \u201cThey were just leaving,\u201d I say.<\/p>\n \u201cSir, we\u2019re under orders to escort Mr. Cartwright to St. Louis for a military hearing into the death of Corporal William Tanner.\u201d The words come out quickly, as if Eyebrow thinks I\u2019m going to interrupt him again.<\/p>\n Pa looks at me as like he\u2019s trying to figure something out. \u201cJoseph?\u201d<\/p>\n I take a deep breath to steady myself. \u201cI asked to see the orders. They refused to show them to me.\u201d<\/p>\n Pa turns to the soldiers and holds out his hand. \u201cSergeant, give me the orders.\u201d<\/p>\n Eyebrow barks, \u201cCorporal, retrieve the orders from my saddlebag.\u201d The soldier on his right pivots, marches to the saddlebag and rummages in it. Eyebrow and the other soldier stand motionless as the corporal searches the saddlebag. Finally, he pulls out a piece of paper and delivers it to Eyebrow, who hands it to Pa.<\/p>\n Pa looks over the paper. \u201cWe\u2019ll be right back,\u201d he informs the soldiers. He nods to me to come with him, and I follow him into the house, where he closes the door.<\/p>\n \u201cIs it real?\u201d I ask.<\/p>\n Pa looks a little bit perplexed at my question. \u201cIt certainly looks real,\u201d he says.<\/p>\n \u201cAre you saying I have to go with them?\u201d No. Please, God, no.<\/i><\/p>\n \u201cWell, that\u2019s the trickier part,\u201d Pa says. \u201cThese men have definitely been ordered to take you to St. Louis. The orders govern them, but of course you\u2019re not a soldier. It\u2019s not clear from this whether they have authority to force you to go against your will.\u201d<\/p>\n \u201cThen that\u2019s it. I\u2019m not going.\u201d I reach for the latch to go out and announce my decision, but Pa\u2019s hand stays mine.<\/p>\n \u201cIt\u2019s not that simple, Joe,\u201d he says. \u201cRight now, they\u2019re basically saying that they just want you to go with them. If you refuse, they could go back and request authority to arrest you and treat you as a prisoner\u2014in which case you\u2019d not only have to go with them, but you\u2019d probably be going in shackles.\u201d<\/p>\n \u201cArrest me? For what?\u201d The thought of being shackled and shoved around by soldiers sets my heart pounding again. I look away so that Pa doesn\u2019t see the terror in my face.<\/p>\n \u201cRefusing to cooperate with a military investigation,\u201d Pa says. \u201cAnything else they can come up with to justify forcing you to go. I\u2019m not saying it\u2019s right, but it\u2019s also not impossible.\u201d<\/p>\n \u201cSo what are you saying?\u201d It\u2019s getting harder to catch my breath.<\/p>\n \u201cI think maybe we should agree to go with them,\u201d he says carefully. We<\/i>. I wouldn\u2019t have expected anything else, but it\u2019s a relief to hear him say it. He continues, \u201cLet me talk to them. I\u2019m retired, but the title still means something. You wait in here.\u201d He goes outside, closing the door behind him.<\/p>\n A few minutes later, he comes back inside. \u201cWe leave in two days,\u201d he says. \u201cI made it clear that you\u2019re accompanying them voluntarily. They appreciated that.\u201d<\/p>\n \u201cWhen do we have to be there?\u201d<\/p>\n \u201cThe hearing is in two weeks,\u201d Pa says. \u201cWe\u2019ll take the train from Reno. It should be a pretty easy trip.\u201d<\/p>\n That\u2019s the last thing I want to hear. I\u2019d rather he said that it\u2019s going to be such a difficult trip that Doc Martin will say we shouldn\u2019t try it for at least six months.<\/p>\n \u201cCan we at least go on our own?\u201d I ask. \u201cOr are they going to go with us?\u201d<\/p>\n \u201cThey\u2019ll be on the train with us,\u201d Pa admits. \u201cBut I\u2019ll arrange for us to have a separate compartment.\u201d<\/p>\n I try to picture what lies ahead. A military hearing. Me sitting in a chair by a judge\u2019s bench as soldiers thunder at me, demanding to know what I did to one of their own. \u201cDo I need a lawyer?\u201d I ask suddenly.<\/p>\n Pa isn\u2019t surprised by the question. \u201cI think we need to talk to Hiram,\u201d he says.<\/p>\n By mid-afternoon, we\u2019re sitting in Hiram Wood\u2019s office in Virginia City. As far as I\u2019m concerned, the arrival of the soldiers put an end to the notion that I couldn\u2019t leave the Ponderosa. It\u2019s the first time I\u2019ve been farther than the barn since the day I rode for Fort Lowell with no idea what was coming. Even though it\u2019s a warm day by most standards, I feel unaccountably cold from the moment we leave the house. By the time we reach Virginia City, I\u2019m trembling and trying to hide it.<\/p>\n \u201cYou okay, son?\u201d Pa asks as we climb out of the buggy.<\/p>\n \u201cSure,\u201d I say in my most matter-of-fact voice. I let Pa go ahead of me into Hiram\u2019s office, clenching my teeth to keep them from chattering.<\/p>\n It\u2019s no warmer inside. Nobody else seems cold, though, so I do my best to ignore it. I smile and shake Hiram\u2019s hand, and I sit where he says to. Most of the conversation is between Hiram and Pa; for some reason, I\u2019m having a hard time concentrating.<\/p>\n \u201cJoe?\u201d<\/p>\n \u201cHuh?\u201d<\/p>\n \u201cHiram asked you a question,\u201d says Pa.<\/p>\n \u201cWhat?\u201d<\/p>\n Hiram and Pa are both staring at me. \u201cAre you all right, son?\u201d Pa asks.<\/p>\n \u201cWhat? Sure. I\u2019m fine.\u201d I try to sound convincing. It\u2019s getting colder in here. Hiram really needs to build a fire in his stove.<\/p>\n Hiram calls to somebody to bring some water. The next thing I know, his law clerk brings in a glass of water and starts to give it to Hiram. \u201cIt\u2019s for Mr. Cartwright,\u201d Hiram instructs him. The clerk apologizes and hands it to Pa, who nudges the glass against my hand and says, \u201cDrink this, Joseph.\u201d<\/p>\n But I can\u2019t seem to make my fingers grasp the glass. I start to lift my hand, and the glass falls to the floor. Water splashes on my boot and trouser leg. The room starts to spin. Hiram says something to the clerk that I don\u2019t catch. I hear running footsteps leaving the room, then the slam of the front door.<\/p>\n \u201cPut your head down, son,\u201d Pa says. Obediently, because I can\u2019t think what else to do, I lean forward, grasping the arms of the chair to keep from falling over. I can hear Pa and Hiram talking, but their words are muffled, like they\u2019re in the next room.<\/p>\n The next thing I know, I\u2019m lying on the floor. Doc Martin is leaning over me. Strange. We were in a lawyer\u2019s office, and now the doctor is here. Maybe the banker will be next.<\/p>\n \u201cWell, this answers that question,\u201d Doc says. Since he\u2019s obviously not talking to me, I don\u2019t say anything.<\/p>\n \u201cHow long do you figure?\u201d Hiram asks.<\/p>\n \u201cTell them a month at least,\u201d Doc says. \u201cI\u2019d have thought he\u2019d be up for it by now. I hope there isn\u2019t something else wrong.\u201d<\/p>\n \u201cPa?\u201d I manage.<\/p>\n Pa leans over me. \u201cYou\u2019ll do anything to keep from doing what the Army wants, won\u2019t you?\u201d he says, his voice gentle.<\/p>\n \u201cWhat happened?\u201d It\u2019s a wonder he can hear me.<\/p>\n \u201cLooks like you\u2019re not quite ready to travel,\u201d Pa says. \u201cJust as well we found this out now and not a couple days from now.\u201d<\/p>\n \u201cI\u2019ll wire St. Louis and let them know,\u201d says Hiram. \u201cHopefully, they won\u2019t give us any problems about changing the hearing.\u201d<\/p>\n Pa and the doctor help me sit up. When that seems to be working, each of them takes one of my arms and they get me up into a chair. After I\u2019ve been sitting there for a few minutes, they decide I can try standing up. Flanked by Pa on one side and the doctor on the other, with Hiram hovering behind me, I make my way out to the buggy. Doc wants me to go over to his office and rest before making the trip out to the Ponderosa, but I insist I\u2019m fine to go home. To my surprise, Pa takes my side. I can tell Doc isn\u2019t happy, but the truth is that I just want to be at home. Pa promises to send for the doctor if anything else happens, and finally we\u2019re on our way.<\/p>\n \u201cJust rest, son,\u201d Pa says as he slaps the reins on the horse\u2019s back. \u201cWe\u2019ll be home in no time.\u201d<\/p>\n It\u2019s a lot longer than \u201cno time\u201d from Virginia City to the Ponderosa, but I\u2019m not about to complain. I\u2019m not nearly as cold as I was, and I don\u2019t have to go to St. Louis for at least a month. As Adam would have said, you take what you can get.<\/p>\n *****<\/p>\n We were in the middle of castrating the calves when Adam rode in. Pa had sent him to town to pick up the mail. Even though it wasn\u2019t the first time he\u2019d ridden alone since the whole ordeal, it was his first trip to town by himself. I\u2019d have been lying if I\u2019d said we weren\u2019t all a little nervous, but we pretended it was no big deal. It seemed important to him that nobody fuss.<\/i><\/p>\n \u201cHey, Older Brother,\u201d I called out as he dismounted. \u201cAnything good in the mail?\u201d<\/i><\/p>\n He pulled a handful of papers from his saddlebag. \u201cLetter for Pa from Fred McIntyre,\u201d he said. Fred McIntyre was heading up construction of a spur line for the railroad that was going to include building a trestle. We\u2019d been working for weeks on our bid to supply lumber for the project.<\/i><\/p>\n \u201cPa\u2019s out at the mining camp,\u201d Hoss said as he caught hold of the next calf and I readied the knife. A quick slice, another cut, and I tossed the calf\u2019s balls onto the pile.<\/i><\/p>\n \u201cSorry, fella,\u201d I said as Hoss released the calf and it ran bleating out of the corral. To Adam, I said, \u201cPa\u2019s gonna want to see that. You should take it to him up at the mine.\u201d<\/i><\/p>\n You\u2019d have thought I took that knife to Adam. His face went white, and his eyes got huge. \u201cI\u2014I\u2014I can\u2019t. I\u2019m busy. You take it.\u201d He stumbled over to the hitching rail and grabbed hold like he was going to fall.<\/i><\/p>\n Hoss and I stared. \u201cWhat\u2019s the matter?\u201d Hoss asked. I could hear in his voice that he was trying to figure out what was wrong, but I knew. It was the notion of going to a mine. Adam was better, but he wasn\u2019t that much better.<\/i><\/p>\n Our older brother shook his head. \u201cNothing,\u201d he said even though a blind man could have seen he was lying. His chest was heaving like he couldn\u2019t catch his breath.<\/i><\/p>\n By the time understanding dawned in Hoss\u2019s face, I was already climbing over the corral fence. I got Adam into the house and sat him down. \u201cHere you go,\u201d I said, bringing him a glass of water. \u201cYou shouldn\u2019t try to do so much. You got back here a whole lot faster than we expected. I figured you\u2019d take your time, maybe stop for a beer.\u201d<\/i><\/p>\n Adam shook his head. \u201cThere\u2019s work to do.\u201d He sipped the water. His hands were shaking.<\/i><\/p>\n I nodded like I believed him. \u201cYou take it easy,\u201d I said. \u201cI\u2019ll take that letter up to Pa. You stay out of the sun for a little while.\u201d I figured the hot sun would be a good excuse for him to hide behind.<\/i><\/p>\n It was proof of how poorly he was feeling that he didn\u2019t even argue. He set down the glass on the table and leaned back like he was going to take my advice. So I took off my leather apron, all spattered with calf blood, and tossed it on the chair by the door.<\/i><\/p>\n He sat upright like somebody\u2019d fired a gun. \u201cTake that outside,\u201d he barked. \u201cIt shouldn\u2019t be in here. It\u2019s dirty. We\u2019re going to have to wash that chair now.\u201d He jumped up and ran over to inspect the chair as best he could without touching the apron.<\/i><\/p>\n \u201cThe chair\u2019s fine,\u201d I said, more to calm him than because I cared. The chair was fine, but that wasn\u2019t the point and I knew it. I took the apron outside, set it on the porch, and came back in to find him frantically looking the chair over.<\/i><\/p>\n \u201cThis needs to be cleaned,\u201d he said. \u201cHop Sing! Hop Sing! Get in here, now!\u201d<\/i><\/p>\n \u201cWhat you want?\u201d Hop Sing demanded as he ran into the room.<\/i><\/p>\n \u201cThis chair needs to be cleaned,\u201d said Adam. \u201cJoe got it all dirty.\u201d<\/i><\/p>\n Hop Sing looked from Adam and his agitation to me. I nodded just a little. I could see in his eyes that he knew what was happening.<\/i><\/p>\n \u201cWhy you get chair dirty? Hop Sing work hard, keep house clean! Why you mess up?\u201d He pointed his finger at me accusingly.<\/i><\/p>\n \u201cMy mistake,\u201d I said. He glared at me then; if this had been a real argument, I\u2019d have snapped back at him. Luckily, Adam didn\u2019t seem to notice that my performance was flawed. I said, \u201cYou take care of the chair. I\u2019m going to take this letter to Pa up at the mine.\u201d I turned to Adam. \u201cThat was a long ride. You should sit down for a little while.\u201d I glanced at Hop Sing as I reached for my hat and gun.<\/i><\/p>\n \u201cMr. Adam sit down,\u201d he announced. \u201cHop Sing make tea special for Mr. Adam, just like English drink. Mr. Adam drink tea while Hop Sing clean chair.\u201d<\/i><\/p>\n Adam still looked agitated, but the promise of tea and cleaning seemed to help. \u201cThat sounds good,\u201d he said finally. \u201cI think I\u2019d like some tea. Thank you, Hop Sing.\u201d Still a little bit unsteady, he made his way across the room to his blue velvet chair. As soon as his back was turned, I mouthed, \u201cThanks\u201d to Hop Sing, and the little man nodded.<\/i><\/p>\n *****<\/p>\n The month-long reprieve goes by too quickly. Hiram comes out to the ranch to let us know of the new date for the hearing. He couldn\u2019t get it moved to Carson City the way we\u2019d hoped, but he implies that even just changing the date was a major victory. I\u2019m curious about what he told the Army, but sometimes it\u2019s better not to ask questions.<\/p>\n We spend almost an entire day going over questions they could ask about what happened from the time I first saw Tanner until I was back at the Ponderosa. I take deep breaths and try not to snap. I know Hiram just wants me to be ready for whatever the Army comes up with, but I can\u2019t help feeling like somebody\u2019s accusing me of murdering Tanner. He tried to kill me, and I\u2019m on trial. It\u2019s not right.<\/p>\n \u201cDamn it, I\u2019m the one who almost got murdered!\u201d I shout at one point. \u201cHow the hell did he become a victim?\u201d<\/p>\n Pa looks like he\u2019s going to say something about my language, but Hiram nods like I\u2019m making sense. \u201cYou\u2019re right,\u201d he says. \u201cFrom what you\u2019ve told me, there\u2019s no basis for a verdict that you had anything to do with Tanner\u2019s death. That doesn\u2019t mean they won\u2019t be digging to find one, though. A soldier is dead. The Army has to answer for that, and they don\u2019t like saying it\u2019s their fault. That\u2019s why it\u2019s a good idea for you to have counsel present. I wish I could be there myself, but John Forrester will do an excellent job for you. He\u2019s a retired Army captain, and he\u2019s been involved with hearings like this before. More importantly, the people in St. Louis know him and they respect him. You couldn\u2019t be in better hands.\u201d<\/p>\n I consider this. It\u2019s been more than two months since I met up with Tanner. To all outward appearances, life is back to normal. My arm is out of its splint, and if it aches some, it\u2019s still not nearly as bad as it was. My energy is returning. I only have nightmares a few times a week. If you asked almost anybody, they\u2019d say I was just fine.<\/p>\n There\u2019s only one person who still watches me closely. Who studies my plate at meal times to be sure I\u2019m eating. Who asks casually how I\u2019m feeling. Who opens my bedroom door almost every night and stands in the doorway, watching as I pretend to sleep.<\/p>\n One other person who doesn\u2019t believe it\u2019s all over.<\/p>\n *****<\/p>\n \u201cYou\u2019re really going.\u201d<\/i><\/p>\n I leaned against the door jamb like we were talking about a trip to San Francisco. Except this was a trip to Boston, and probably Europe. Adam was leaving. For good. He was going to follow his dream.<\/i><\/p>\n Or so he claimed.<\/i><\/p>\n He looked up at me briefly before he went back to sorting books. \u201cYou can come and visit. They have pretty girls in Boston, too.\u201d<\/i><\/p>\n I managed a smile. \u201cOr you could come back to see us,\u201d I said, carefully avoiding the word \u201cvisit.\u201d I didn\u2019t want him to visit. I wanted him to stay home.<\/i><\/p>\n \u201cThat could happen,\u201d he said in a voice so casual I knew it wouldn\u2019t. Once he was out the door, that was it. He wasn\u2019t coming back.<\/i><\/p>\n I knew Pa and Hoss thought this was all about Laura Dayton marrying Cousin Will. It wasn\u2019t, though. I\u2019d seen it coming ever since Kane. It was like Adam thought that if he went someplace clean and civilized, he\u2019d be safe. Like it was the wildness of the west that had made Kane the way he was.<\/i><\/p>\n Maybe it was. Maybe in a place like Boston, Kane would never have tipped over the edge and fallen into madness. Maybe he would never have had the chance to crack his head against a dream that wouldn\u2019t give. Maybe he\u2019d just have been that odd fellow in the house on the corner, and the housekeeper would have cast worried looks while she bustled around keeping things in order, but nothing would have gone seriously wrong. Maybe it was the west that had driven Kane mad, that was driving my brother away.<\/i><\/p>\n Because Adam had never been the same after Kane. He got better, of course. After all, it had been three years. Most of the obsessive washing and cleaning had stopped. He didn\u2019t spend nearly as much time watching over his shoulder. It was a rare thing to hear him yell in his sleep. He was even able to go to the mining camp without panicking. Somebody who didn\u2019t know him well would never have known the difference. If I\u2019d wanted, I could have convinced myself that everything was all right. But it wasn\u2019t. It couldn\u2019t be. A man couldn\u2019t go through something like that and not be changed by it.<\/i><\/p>\n We\u2019d all been changed. Pa had stopped pacing, and Hoss had stopped hovering, but it was still there, that undercurrent nobody talked about. Before Kane, if one of us was late getting back from somewhere, we used to shrug and say he must have run into something and he\u2019d be along. After Kane, we tried to be casual, but we were all perked up like a hunting dog scenting its prey. The slightest urging, and we\u2019d be saddling horses and heading out to find the missing one. Almost always, there was an innocent explanation for the delay: a horse went lame, a traveler needed help, a poker game ran long. Still, even after all this time, there was always that sense of \u201cwhat if,\u201d right up until the calm.<\/i><\/p>\n So, maybe Adam wanted to go to the city because he would feel safe. I wouldn\u2019t fault him for that. Maybe there, people thought the way he did. The idea that a man might care so much about being civilized or rational that he\u2019d almost die proving it\u2014maybe that made sense to city folks. Maybe Adam would be better off among his own kind.<\/i><\/p>\n But we\u2019re his own kind, my mind protested. We\u2019re his family. He\u2019s safe with us.<\/i><\/p>\n Except he wasn\u2019t, and we all knew it.<\/i><\/p>\n *****<\/i><\/p>\n \u201cI still think we should go on to Boston,\u201d I say as I stab a pork chop with my fork. \u201cWe\u2019ll already be halfway there. We should just go and drop in on Adam.\u201d<\/p>\n I\u2019m sort of surprised Pa isn\u2019t willing to continue east after the hearing. I know Jamie\u2019s disappointed. He was looking forward to finally meeting his eldest brother.<\/p>\n \u201cHe\u2019s not going to be there,\u201d Pa says. \u201cI got a letter from him. He\u2019s going to be traveling for several weeks. Meetings about the project, apparently.\u201d<\/p>\n \u201cYou got a letter from Adam and you didn\u2019t say anything?\u201d That sounds odd to me.<\/p>\n \u201cIt was just a short note,\u201d Pa says. \u201cI didn\u2019t want to disappoint you all. I knew everyone was hoping we could go on to Boston.\u201d<\/p>\n \u201cMaybe we should go out there and just be at his house when he gets back,\u201d Jamie suggests.<\/p>\n Pa chuckles. \u201cI don\u2019t really think that would work,\u201d he says. \u201cEspecially since Adam\u2019s schedule seems to be so busy for the next few months. Maybe we can go out and see him in the spring.\u201d<\/p>\n \u201cIf he hasn\u2019t gone back to England or on to someplace else,\u201d I mutter. It\u2019s been nine years since I\u2019ve seen my brother. Nine long, long years. Other than Pa, Adam is the only blood relation I have. My brother Clay vanished years ago, and I never heard another word from him; I don\u2019t even know if he\u2019s alive or dead. And Hoss\u2014my big brother, Hoss\u2014<\/p>\n All at once, I feel like somebody\u2019s thrown a blanket over my head and is holding it down, trying to smother me. Abruptly, I leave the table. Ignoring the calls from behind me, I half-run out onto the porch. In the near-dark, I collide with the post, smacking my head sharply on the corner. \u201cSon of a bitch!\u201d I shout, punching it and howling again when my knuckles make solid contact with the wood.<\/p>\n The door opens. \u201cJoseph? What are you doing?\u201d Pa asks.<\/p>\n \u201cLeave me alone!\u201d I roar. I can hear voices behind me, but it\u2019s like there\u2019s a hurricane wind all around me and I can\u2019t make out words. \u201cJust leave me alone!\u201d I shout.<\/p>\n I don\u2019t realize that I\u2019m on my knees, holding my head in my hands, until I feel hands helping me to stand. \u201cLeave me alone,\u201d I say again, now it\u2019s more of a plea. \u201cLeave me alone,\u201d I repeat, the litany weakening each time.<\/p>\n \u201cEasy, Joe,\u201d Pa murmurs. \u201cCome on inside.\u201d<\/p>\n I shake my head. \u201cNo. Just leave me alone. Leave me alone.\u201d<\/p>\n \u201cSon, you need to come in,\u201d says Pa. His voice is deep, comforting, but I can hear the thread of near-panic.<\/p>\n No words will come now. I shake my head, pulling away from his touch. The storm has gone as fast as it hit, and I\u2019m a pathetic, trembling mess. All I want is to be left alone out here. Alone in the darkness.<\/p>\n \u201cLet\u2019s go inside, buddy,\u201d Candy says.<\/p>\n Buddy. <\/i>It\u2019s what Adam called me when I was little. Adam, who I haven\u2019t seen in so many years. Who I may never see again.<\/p>\n Who would know how I feel.<\/p>\n I let myself be led inside, seated on the settee, handed a glass of brandy. I drink because I\u2019m told to. When I finish, someone takes the glass from my hand. People hover. They talk in low, soothing tones. Somebody wraps a blanket around my shoulders. The talking slows, then stops. Finally, we\u2019re sitting together in silence, listening to the crackle of the fire.<\/p>\n \u201cI want to see Adam,\u201d I say.<\/p>\n Pa rests his hand on my arm. \u201cI know.\u201d<\/p>\n *****<\/p>\n Two more days. I\u2019m as ready as a person can be. Pa says I need to be properly dressed for the hearing; in his opinion, this means my blue suit. I won\u2019t do it, though. I wore that suit to marry Alice. I won\u2019t wear it for the Army. Not for the people who want to shift the blame for Tanner\u2019s death from their own shoulders to mine. It\u2019s enough that I\u2019m making the trip at all. They can take me in whatever I decide to wear.<\/p>\n That night at supper, I mention that it\u2019s going to be awfully quiet around here. \u201cHop Sing\u2019s going to have plenty of time to visit his relatives,\u201d I say. \u201cI just hope everything goes all right.\u201d I\u2019m half-hoping Pa will agree that we should skip the trip and stay home because the ranch needs us.<\/p>\n \u201cI\u2019ll keep an eye on things here,\u201d says Candy unexpectedly.<\/p>\n \u201cYou\u2019re not coming?\u201d I\u2019m not sure why I\u2019m surprised. He\u2019s the foreman. Somebody needs to keep the Ponderosa running. Besides, it\u2019s not like we\u2019re brothers.<\/p>\n Except we are, every bit as much as Jamie and me. I\u2019ve known Candy longer than I\u2019ve known Jamie. We\u2019ve competed against each other, worked side by side, and stood together as one against whatever life\u2019s thrown at us. He\u2019s the one who rode with me to track down Alice\u2019s killers. I\u2019d bet I know more of his secrets than any man alive; I\u2019m sure he knows more of mine. We may not share blood, but I count on him like a brother.<\/p>\n Candy\u2019s still talking about what needs to be done on the ranch, and Pa\u2019s nodding. I can see the question\u2019s about to be settled, so I interrupt. \u201cSo, what you\u2019re saying is that all these hands you\u2019ve supposedly been training all this time can\u2019t do anything if you\u2019re not there to tell them what to do? Doesn\u2019t sound like very good training to me.\u201d<\/p>\n He bridles like I knew he would. \u201cListen, I\u2019ve got those men trained like clockwork! They know exactly what to do. We could all go away for six months and they\u2019d be fine.\u201d<\/p>\n As soon as the words are out of his mouth, I throw back my head and laugh to let him know he\u2019s stepped squarely into my trap. \u201cDoesn\u2019t sound like there\u2019s any reason for you not to come, then,\u201d I cackle. \u201cUnless you just can\u2019t handle that many officers at a time,\u201d I add with a wink.<\/p>\n \u201cThat\u2019s a whole different story,\u201d he says. The mood in the room has relaxed, but there\u2019s a question in his eyes.<\/p>\n \u201cOh, come on, Canaday,\u201d I say. \u201cYou need an engraved invitation?\u201d<\/p>\n \u201cWouldn\u2019t hurt,\u201d he drawls.<\/p>\n It\u2019s settled, then. As we\u2019re leaving the table, there\u2019s a moment when our eyes meet. I see understanding register, and he nods ever so slightly. He knows why I want him there.<\/p>\n Somebody needs to be watching out for Pa. Just in case.<\/p>\n *****<\/p>\n It\u2019s not like I\u2019ve never been on a train before. I\u2019m not some dumb jasper from out beyond the edges of civilization. I\u2019ve been to Reno more times than I can count, and I\u2019ve caught the train from there plenty. \u00a0It shouldn\u2019t be a big deal.<\/p>\n But it\u2019s the first time I\u2019ve been in this kind of a crowd since before Tanner. I grit my teeth and try not to be obvious about staying close to Pa and Candy. Jamie\u2019s so tickled by the whole thing that he doesn\u2019t notice anything about me. He\u2019s talking a blue streak, and it\u2019s all Pa can do to keep him from running off in ten directions at once. Every now and then, Candy gives me a conspiratorial smile or wink, just like the two of us were Jamie\u2019s big brothers. I can\u2019t quite tell if he\u2019s keeping an eye on me or getting a good laugh out of the kid. Maybe both.<\/p>\n Pa was true to his word about us having a separate compartment. It\u2019s not real big, but it\u2019ll be enough for the four of us. It has two bunks on each side, one upper and one lower; I already know Jamie will want one of the upper bunks, and I have every intention of sticking Candy with the other one. Ordinarily, I wouldn\u2019t care about being on top, but if I need to get out of there fast, I don\u2019t want anything to slow me down.<\/p>\n Before we boarded, Pa found the soldiers. I don\u2019t know what he said to them, but they haven\u2019t bothered us. I guess he outranks whoever drew this detail. Even walking through the main car to get to our compartment, I didn\u2019t see them. Fine by me.<\/p>\n I\u2019m doing my best to look calm, but my stomach is getting queasy as the train pulls out. Must be the motion. I\u2019ve heard of people getting sick on trains. I won\u2019t be one of them, though. I\u2019ve ridden trains before without getting sick. I can do it again. I close my eyes and lay my head against the seat back in the hope that I\u2019ll fall asleep\u2014or at least keep my breakfast down. Luckily, Jamie\u2019s so taken with the view from the windows that he\u2019s barely said anything since we started moving. He\u2019s a great kid, but if I had to listen to his chatter all the way to St. Louis, I might give up and sit with the soldiers.<\/p>\n I must have dozed off, because I waken to Pa shaking my arm and asking if I want to get something to eat. Candy and Jamie aren\u2019t here; they must have gone ahead to the dining car. \u201cSure,\u201d I say, yawning. My stomach feels better than it did when we started. Maybe I was just tired.<\/p>\n I\u2019ve forgotten what it\u2019s like to try to walk against the swaying of the train. I have to grab seatbacks a couple of times before I find my balance. Pa and I get to the dining car to see that Jamie and Candy have already taken the corner table. A dark-skinned man with crisp white hair and an equally crisp white jacket brings us glasses of water. I try to study the menu, but I\u2019m painfully aware that I\u2019m sitting with my back to the rest of the car. I can\u2019t see what\u2019s coming. Anyone could come up behind me, and I\u2019d never know until it was too late. Candy has his back against the wall. He can see everything. I know he\u2019d trade places with me if I asked, but I can\u2019t bring myself to say the words. Instead, I stand up and say, \u201cI\u2019m not hungry. See you back at our . . .\u201d I can\u2019t remember the word.<\/p>\n \u201cWait, son.\u201d Pa is on his feet, but I shake his hand off my arm.<\/p>\n \u201cI\u2019m fine,\u201d I say, trying not to snap. \u201cI\u2019m just tired. I\u2019m going to sleep.\u201d I hear Pa and Candy saying something, but I\u2019m already stumbling through the dining car, trying not to look as if I\u2019m running back to the safety of our compartment. When I get there, I slam the door and curl up in a lower bunk, my chest heaving.<\/p>\n By the time the others come back, the compartment is dark except for one sconce. I keep my eyes closed. I can hear them whispering, but I can\u2019t make out the words. Jamie barely misses putting a foot on my hand as he climbs up to the bunk above me. I hear the creak that says Candy has clambered up to the other top bunk, and another creak tells me Pa has settled into the lower one. When all movement and conversation has stopped, I open my eyes. I look up to see Candy stretched out on his side. His elbow is bent, his head propped up by his hand, and he\u2019s watching me. When our eyes meet, he jerks his head toward the door. I shake mine, but he slips off his bunk and gestures for me to follow him to the narrow hallway.<\/p>\n Outside the compartment, we balance against the swaying of the train. I wait for him to speak. His eyes are as serious as I\u2019ve ever seen. When I say nothing, he says, \u201cLook, if it was just us, I\u2019d say do what you want, I\u2019ll be there. But it\u2019s not.\u201d He searched my face. \u201cI know why you wanted me to come, and I\u2019m trying to do it, but you\u2019ve got to help me. This is hard enough for your pa, and Jamie\u2019s a good kid, but he\u2019s not making it easier. I\u2019ll watch out for them as much as I can, but you\u2019ve got to dig in. I can\u2019t manage all three of you alone.\u201d When I say nothing, he says, \u201cI\u2019m sorry. I\u2019m just not Adam or Hoss.\u201d<\/p>\n It\u2019s like he punched me in the gut. I actually double over. I can\u2019t catch my breath. He hurries me down the aisle, and as he opens the door between cars, I hurl all over the step. He holds my shoulders until I finish retching. Then I straighten, wiping my hand on the back of my mouth.<\/p>\n \u201cYou son of a bitch,\u201d I manage. Then I punch him squarely in the face and make my way back to our compartment. A minute later, I hear the door open and close again, and the upper bunk creaks as he gets in. This time, I keep my eyes tightly closed.<\/p>\n *****<\/p>\n The rest of the trip passes in a blur. If Pa wonders why Candy has a black eye the next morning, he doesn\u2019t ask. Jamie starts to say something, but Pa tells him to go ahead to the dining car, and the stern note in his voice is enough to get the kid to do as he\u2019s told without asking more. I can feel Candy\u2019s eyes on me. I should apologize, but I won\u2019t. He was right: Hoss or Adam could have handled this trip. They\u2019d have managed Pa and Jamie, and at the same time, they\u2019d have been everything I needed them to be\u2014confidante, best friend, supporter, brother. The other half of me. Candy tries, but he can\u2019t be Adam or Hoss. Nobody can.<\/p>\n By the time we reach St. Louis, I\u2019ve pulled myself together enough to do what I have to. I may not be able to make jokes, but I can gather bags and flag down a carriage and get us to the hotel. Between us, Candy and I manage Pa and Jamie. As our carriage makes its way through St. Louis\u2019s streets, I see how tired Pa is, how much this trip has taken out of him. My hatred for Tanner burns white-hot. How dare that lunatic do this to my father. To my family. To me.<\/p>\n Pa arranged for us to stay at the best hotel in town. We have a suite with a parlor and two bedrooms. I don\u2019t know what Pa intended, but as soon as Candy puts Pa\u2019s bag in one, I take mine into the other. Jamie starts to follow me, but with a smooth gesture I can\u2019t quite follow, Candy directs him into Pa\u2019s room. Then, he steps into my room and says in a low voice, \u201cDon\u2019t worry. I\u2019ll be okay on the settee. I\u2019ll just leave my bag here.\u201d<\/p>\n \u201cWhat are you talking about?\u201d There\u2019s another perfectly good bed in my room.<\/p>\n \u201cI\u2019m saying, this room\u2019s yours.\u201d His voice is quiet and serious.<\/p>\n \u201cDon\u2019t be stupid.\u201d My voice is more harsh than I intend. \u201cYou can sleep here.\u201d<\/p>\n He shakes his head. \u201cI said, don\u2019t worry.\u201d He slips out of the room, leaving me alone.<\/p>\n That night, as I lie in bed, I stare at the dark ceiling. When I was a kid, I hated being alone. I used to get out of bed and sneak into Hoss\u2019s room or Adam\u2019s, and they\u2019d let me get in bed with them. It wasn\u2019t that I was scared, although sometimes I was. I just felt better knowing where my people were. Pa would open the door in the morning, and he\u2019d smile at the sight of me curled up with my big brother. Years later, I heard Pa say something about how proud he\u2019d been to build a house so big that each of his boys could have his own room, and I never told him I\u2019d have been just as happy if all of us had shared one bedroom.<\/p>\n The door opens. \u201cHey, Joe?\u201d Jamie whispers.<\/p>\n \u201cWhat?\u201d<\/p>\n Jamie comes in and closes the door behind him. \u201cYou awake?\u201d<\/p>\n \u201cNo. I\u2019m asleep. Can\u2019t you tell?\u201d He\u2019s a smart enough kid, but sometimes, he asks the dumbest questions, and I can\u2019t help teasing him.<\/p>\n \u201cCan I talk to you?\u201d Something in his voice gets my attention. He isn\u2019t here for a casual chat.<\/p>\n \u201cSure,\u201d I say. \u201cWhat\u2019s the matter?\u201d<\/p>\n He makes his way to my bed by the light of the moon through the window. The edge of the mattress sags as he sits on it. \u201cWhat\u2019s gonna happen tomorrow?\u201d<\/p>\n \u201cWhat do you mean?\u201d It\u2019s too dark for me to see his face.<\/p>\n \u201cPa says the Army wants to know what happened to this Tanner fellow. I mean, they\u2019re just gonna ask you some questions, right?\u201d<\/p>\n \u201cRight.\u201d<\/p>\n \u201cBut if they\u2019re just gonna ask questions, how come you had to come all this way? Why couldn\u2019t they just write you a letter or something?\u201d<\/p>\n \u201cGood question,\u201d I admit. \u201cI don\u2019t know. I don\u2019t know how the Army thinks.\u201d<\/p>\n \u201cCandy says they don\u2019t think much,\u201d Jamie says.<\/p>\n \u201cCandy would know,\u201d I say. \u201cWhat did Pa say when you asked him?\u201d I\u2019m sure he asked Pa. He\u2019s a persistent kid.<\/p>\n \u201cHe said they can ask better questions if they can talk straight to you.\u201d But Jamie sounds dubious.<\/p>\n \u201cThat make sense,\u201d I say.<\/p>\n \u201cBut . . . they\u2019re not gonna do anything else, right?\u201d<\/p>\n \u201cLike what?\u201d I say, as casual as if my stomach wasn\u2019t clenching into knots. I\u2019ve been asking the same question ever since Eyebrow and his pals rode into our yard.<\/p>\n \u201cI don\u2019t know,\u201d says Jamie. We sit in silence for a few minutes. Then he says, \u201cHow come Candy\u2019s sleeping in the parlor?\u201d<\/p>\n \u201cI don\u2019t know,\u201d I say. \u201cHe wanted to, I guess.\u201d<\/p>\n \u201cWell . . . if he\u2019s sleeping out there, is it okay if I sleep in here with you?\u201d Jamie asks.<\/p>\n I swallow hard. \u201cSure.\u201d I feel him rise; a moment later, I hear him pulling back the quilt on the other bed, and I hear the rustle as he makes himself comfortable. In the morning, when the door opens, I\u2019ll see a familiar look on my father\u2019s face as the dawn reveals his sons sleeping together, the same and yet so different from what he used to see all those years ago.<\/p>\n *****<\/p>\n John Forrester meets us at the door to the building where the hearing will be. He glances at my casual attire. \u201cWould you like to borrow a tie?\u201d he asks.<\/p>\n \u201cNo,\u201d I say, at the same time my father says, \u201cThank you.\u201d Pa fixes me with a stern look. I relent. \u201cThanks,\u201d I mutter. Forrester calls to someone, and moments later, his clerk materializes, holding out a tie that he clearly just removed from his own neck. I thank him and tie it without looking. I can almost feel Pa itching to straighten it, but I move away.<\/p>\n Forrester leads us into the high-ceilinged hearing room. He explains that the judge is young, but we shouldn\u2019t assume he\u2019ll be a pushover. \u201cHe\u2019s about your age, maybe a little older,\u201d Forrester says to me. \u201cHe\u2019s only been in the Army for about ten or twelve years, but he\u2019s very smart and doesn\u2019t tolerate any nonsense. Show him respect, and you\u2019ll get a fair shake out of him.\u201d I want to say it doesn\u2019t matter, but I\u2019m trying not to embarrass Pa. Forrester had written to say he should wear his militia uniform, and even though Pa protested that he was retired, Hiram said, \u201cIf John Forrester says it\u2019ll help, I\u2019d do it.\u201d So Pa and Forrester are both in uniform. In regular clothes and the clerk\u2019s tie, I suddenly feel like an urchin from the gutter.<\/p>\n \u201cHear ye, hear ye,\u201d says a soldier. I don\u2019t know the Army well enough to know his rank. I\u2019m sure Candy knows, but he\u2019s just a bailiff to me. \u201cDraw nigh to this court, and ye shall be heard. The Honorable Major Daniel Kidd presiding. All rise.\u201d We all stand as a lanky man in a dress uniform strides to the bench and takes his seat.<\/p>\n I catch my breath. Of all the people in the world I never expected to see again, Danny Kidd was one of them. Pa nudges me, and I nod. We both remember all those years ago when Danny was on a chain gang working on the Ponderosa. He\u2019d been in prison since he was a kid, an orphan who\u2019d stabbed another boy for stealing his dessert. Danny saved my life when my foot got caught in the stirrup of a runaway horse, and I returned the favor by getting him released from prison into my custody. He worked for us for a year before he moved on. Last I heard, Danny was in Texas somewhere, but that was a long time ago.<\/p>\n Remembering, I\u2019ve missed the beginning of the hearing. Danny scrutinizes the paper in front of him, then looks up to where Pa and I are sitting. I can\u2019t believe this. His hair is showing gray, but his eyes are still as piercing as the day we met, when I said I wanted to repay him for saving my life, and he held up his wrists in shackles and practically dared me to get them off him.<\/p>\n \u201cThe purpose of this hearing is to discover the facts surrounding the death of Corporal William Tanner,\u201d says Danny, sounding more authoritative than I\u2019d ever have imagined. \u201cOne of the witnesses is Joseph Cartwright of Virginia City, Nevada. In the interest of full disclosure, I hereby state for the record that I know Mr. Cartwright and his father, Major Benjamin Cartwright. I worked for the Cartwrights for approximately a year, around 1860.\u201d He eyes the uniformed lawyers at the tables. \u201cUnder the circumstances, I must inquire whether either side desires that I recuse myself from hearing this matter.\u201d<\/p>\n Forrester rises. \u201cNo, Your Honor.\u201d<\/p>\n The other lawyer, a pudgy fellow whose gut strains the buttons on his uniform, stands up. He glances over at us. He\u2019s clearly on the fence about this. \u201cMay I ask, Your Honor\u2014what is the extent of your relationship with Mr. Cartwright?\u201d<\/p>\n A flash of irritation shows on Danny\u2019s face, but his voice is smooth. \u201cAs I said, I worked for the Cartwrights in 1860. I believe my last contact with them was a year or so later. We have not been in touch since before I joined the Army.\u201d His mouth is set, almost daring the lawyer to ask anything else. I hold my breath until the lawyer mumbles that he has no objection and sits down.<\/p>\n The hearing begins with another witness, one of the soldiers from Fort Lowell. I try to focus, but I can\u2019t seem to follow what they\u2019re saying. Out of the corner of my eye, I can see Pa watching me. I blink hard, trying to see through the fog. I take deep breaths, but my chest is getting tight.<\/p>\n \u201cAre you all right?\u201d Pa whispers.<\/p>\n I shake my head. \u201cNeed air.\u201d<\/p>\n As if he hears me, Danny Kidd bangs his gavel. \u201cThe court will now take a recess. We shall reconvene in fifteen minutes.\u201d The bailiff tells us to rise, and Danny walks out of the room as if he owns the place.<\/p>\n \u201cCome on,\u201d Pa says. He takes my arm to lead me outside, and I\u2019m too shaky to protest. In the hallway, I sit on a bench, my head between my knees. Voices buzz around me, and someone pushes a cup of water into my hand and tells me to drink. I lift my head just enough to obey, and then the cup is taken away.<\/p>\n I don\u2019t know how much time passes before I sit up. \u201cI\u2019m okay,\u201d I tell Pa. His face is creased with worry. \u201cIt\u2019s stuffy in there,\u201d I say. \u201cI\u2019m fine.\u201d I stand and say, \u201cLet\u2019s get this finished.\u201d Before anyone can speak, I pull myself up tall and try to mimic Danny\u2019s self-assured gait as I go back into the room.<\/p>\n As I come through the double doors, the bailiff disappears into a door to the side of the judge\u2019s bench. No sooner are we all seated than the bailiff and tells us to stand up, and Danny comes back in. He doesn\u2019t look at me; I can\u2019t tell if he has any idea what just happened. He tells the witness to resume the stand, and the witness, a skinny young man with ginger hair, continues answering questions about Tanner and the massacre at Bald Mountain as best he can, considering the convoluted questions the lawyers are posing.<\/p>\n Finally, it seems as though Danny has had his fill of lawyer double-speak. \u201cPrivate Fitzwilliam,\u201d he says, and the room grows very quiet. Not so much as a piece of paper rustles. \u201cAs you sit here today, do you have reason to believe that Corporal Tanner was of sound mind as of the fourteenth day of June in the Year of Our Lord 1873?\u201d<\/p>\n June 14, 1873.<\/i> The day before I left the Ponderosa, heading toward Fort Lowell.<\/p>\n \u201cYes, sir,\u201d says the young man.<\/p>\n Danny fixes him with a steely gaze. \u201cPrivate, are you absolutely certain of that?\u201d<\/p>\n \u201cY\u2014yes, sir.\u201d The private is clearly nervous, but resolute.<\/p>\n \u201cWould you please tell this Court the number of occasions on which you have had opportunity to observe men who have not been of sound mind?\u201d<\/p>\n \u201cSir?\u201d The private appears to be confused now.<\/p>\n \u201cHow many times, Private?\u201d Danny\u2019s voice doesn\u2019t thunder like Pa\u2019s, but no man with any sense would cross him.<\/p>\n \u201cI remember hearing about\u2014\u201d the private begins.<\/p>\n \u201cI don\u2019t want to know what you\u2019ve heard about,\u201d Danny says. \u201cI want to know how many such men you have personally observed.\u201d<\/p>\n Private Fitzwilliam\u2019s pale cheeks flush. \u201cNone, sir.\u201d<\/p>\n \u201cSo when you say that you believe Corporal Tanner was of sound mind as of June the fourteenth, what is the basis of that belief?\u201d<\/p>\n \u201cWell, sir\u2014I mean\u2014he wasn\u2019t acting peculiar.\u201d<\/p>\n \u201cExplain.\u201d<\/p>\n \u201cHe made sense when he talked. He wasn\u2019t\u2014you know, talking to people who ain\u2019t there or such. He didn\u2019t seem like he was out of his head.\u201d<\/p>\n Danny considers the private. \u201cBetween the incident at Bald Mountain and June the fourteenth, how many opportunities did you have to see Corporal Tanner?\u201d<\/p>\n The private thinks. \u201cNot many, sir. Two or three, maybe. I never seen him until after he got sentenced. There was a couple of us who took chow to the prisoners. We weren\u2019t supposed to talk to them, but sometimes, he\u2019d say something like \u2018Nice day\u2019 or \u2018Smells good.\u2019 Nothing more than that. And I never talked back,\u201d he hastened to add. \u201cI followed orders. I put down the food, and I left.\u201d<\/p>\n Danny watches the private for a long moment. \u201cThank you, Private. You may step down.\u201d He turns to the pudgy lawyer at the right-hand table. \u201cCaptain McInerney, you may call your next witness.\u201d<\/p>\n The captain says, \u201cI call Joseph Cartwright to the stand.\u201d I stand, and Pa touches my hand as I move past him to the aisle and up to the witness stand. I raise my right hand and swear to tell the truth, the whole truth, and nothing but the truth, so help me God. At Danny\u2019s instruction, I sit down on the chair next to his bench.<\/p>\n The first few questions are easy enough; Captain McInerney is just asking about my background, the Ponderosa, and what I was doing on June 14. But then he gets to the part where I meet up with Tanner. Inside, I hunker down, ready for whatever comes. McInerney leads me through the part where I wake up and find my horse and gear gone. Then he says, \u201cDo you know what happened to your horse?\u201d<\/p>\n \u201cTanner took him,\u201d I say.<\/p>\n \u00a0<\/strong><\/strong><\/p>\n \u201cCorporal<\/i> Tanner,\u201d the captain says. When I don\u2019t correct myself, he says, \u201cCorporal Tanner was a soldier in this man\u2019s Army. You will kindly refer him by his title.\u201d<\/p>\n \u201cAs I understand it, he wasn\u2019t a soldier anymore when I met him, so I can call him whatever I want,\u201d I snap. Forrester shakes his head, a caution to me to rein in my temper.<\/p>\n \u201cCaptain, Mr. Cartwright is a civilian,\u201d says Danny. It\u2019s not clear what he\u2019s trying to communicate, but the captain says, \u201cYes, Your Honor,\u201d and after that, he doesn\u2019t challenge me on what I call Tanner.<\/p>\n Captain McInerney asks question after question about my encounter with Tanner. In front of Pa and everyone, I repeat what Tanner said about how I\u2019d want to kill him. I tell how he\u2019d whistle so I\u2019d know he was coming after me, how hunting me down was a game to him, how I fell down the hill and broke my arm trying to escape from that madman.<\/p>\n \u201cObjection, Your Honor,\u201d McInerney says. \u201cThe witness is not a doctor. He is not qualified to decide whether Corporal Tanner was mad.\u201d<\/p>\n Forrester is on his feet. \u201cI believe it\u2019s clear Mr. Cartwright is using the term as a layman would,\u201d he says. \u201cHe\u2019s describing the behavior, not making a medical diagnosis. I ask the Court to allow him to use whatever terminology he deems appropriate\u2014within reason, of course,\u201d he adds hastily, probably to make sure I don\u2019t think he\u2019s saying I should be able to call Tanner a sick bastard.<\/p>\n \u201cThe witness will refrain from using medical terminology to describe Corporal Tanner in the absence of any evidence that he is trained as a physician,\u201d says Danny. He isn\u2019t even looking at me.<\/p>\n \u201cHe was a madman whether I say so or not,\u201d I say. \u201cI might as well say so.\u201d<\/p>\n This time, Danny looks at me. I search his face for a glimpse of the man who was my friend, but he\u2019s all judge now. \u201cMy ruling stands,\u201d he says.<\/p>\n \u201cYes, Your Honor,\u201d Forrester says. It\u2019s clearly a hint to me, but I\u2019m not going to say it. After a few moments, Forrester takes his seat, and McInerney resumes asking me about Tanner.<\/p>\n \u201cIsn\u2019t it possible you misunderstood what Corporal Tanner was saying?\u201d he asks at one point. \u201cCouldn\u2019t he simply have been playing a game?\u201d<\/p>\n \u201cA game<\/i>? He was hunting me like a deer. He was going to kill me. He\u2019d taken my gun, my canteen, my food, my horse\u2014anything I could have used to survive. But he had weapons\u2014my gun and his. The only game<\/i> he was playing was in his sick little mind, and that was the game where he\u2019d keep letting me know he was right behind me, about to strike.\u201d I drew a shaky breath. \u201cHe was like a cat playing with a mouse. He made it clear I was going to die, but not until he\u2019d had his fun. I had to get away from him, or he\u2019d kill me.\u201d<\/p>\n \u201cSo instead, you killed him.\u201d McInerney sounds satisfied, as if he\u2019s boxed me in.<\/p>\n I shake my head. I\u2019m trembling and trying not to show it. Visions of Tanner, his shaggy mustache and evil grin, fill my mind. All I can hear was him whistling that strange little melody. \u201cNo,\u201d I say, louder than a normal person would, but still not loud enough to drown out those few notes. \u201cI didn\u2019t kill him. I didn\u2019t have anything to kill him with. I trapped him. I got him into an old jail cell, and I locked him in. It was all I could do. I don\u2019t know how he died.\u201d My breath is getting shallow. \u201cCan I have some water, please?\u201d<\/p>\n Danny\u2019s gavel bangs. \u201cThe court will take a ten-minute recess. All rise.\u201d Everyone stands, and he leans down and says to me in a low voice, \u201cYou can stay here if you want. The bailiff will bring you some water.\u201d I nod to show I hear him, and he leaves the room.<\/p>\n \u201cSon, are you all right?\u201d Pa\u2019s right in front of me.<\/p>\n \u201cDizzy,\u201d I manage. The bailiff returns with a cup of water, and I close my eyes as I sip. \u201cThanks,\u201d I say after a minute. I hate this. Hate it, hate it, hate it. I hate feeling so weak, so fragile. So much like a victim. This isn\u2019t me. It\u2019s not what I do. I\u2019m Joe Cartwright. I\u2019m a fighter. It\u2019s like Candy said\u2014I have to dig in. I\u2019m going to finish this even if it kills me.<\/p>\n Danny comes back in, and the hearing resumes. McInerney pokes at my story from every angle, saying things like, \u201cSo you\u2019re asking this Court to believe that a perfectly healthy soldier just up and died because he was trapped in a jail cell?\u201d His voice drips with disdain.<\/p>\n \u201cI don\u2019t care what this Court believes,\u201d I say. \u201cThat\u2019s what happened.\u201d<\/p>\n \u201cSo you say,\u201d says McInerney. \u201cBut there wasn\u2019t anyone else there, was there?\u201d<\/p>\n I root around in the recesses of my memory. \u201cHarve!\u201d I say finally. \u201cThere was a fellow there named Harve. He saw.\u201d<\/p>\n \u201cHarve who?\u201d McInerney asks. \u201cWhat\u2019s his last name?\u201d<\/p>\n \u201cI don\u2019t know. I never saw him before, but when I came to, he\u2019s the one who said Tanner was dead.\u201d At least I think that\u2019s how it went. That whole time is so foggy now. I remember slamming the door to the cell shut and throwing the bolt, and then I slid to the ground, finished. There was shouting and shooting, and then nothing until Harve was shaking me awake.<\/p>\n \u201cAnd where is this Harve person?\u201d McInerney asks.<\/p>\n \u201cI don\u2019t know.\u201d<\/p>\n \u201cYou said before that the town where this all occurred was a ghost town,\u201d says McInerney. \u201cBut it just so happened there was one person there to witness Corporal Tanner\u2019s death? Isn\u2019t that awfully convenient?\u201d Forrester objects and Danny sustains the objection, but it doesn\u2019t matter. It\u2019s out there. McInerney is going to prove I\u2019m lying by any means he can.<\/p>\n Now, he approaches the chair where I\u2019m sitting. \u201cMr. Cartwright, you\u2019re under oath. Now, tell this Court the truth. Did you kill Corporal William Tanner?\u201d He leans close, his face almost filling my field of vision, but over his shoulder, I see someone come in the back door. There\u2019s something familiar about the way he moves. I try to look past McInerney, but he comes closer until he\u2019s all I can see. \u201cDid you, Mr. Cartwright? Did you kill Corporal Tanner?\u201d I can feel his breath, hot and moist. His face looms, and something inside me snaps.<\/p>\n \u201cNo!\u201d I shout. He flinches and pulls back slightly, but not enough, so I keep shouting, \u201cI didn\u2019t kill him, but you know what? I wish I had. I wish I\u2019d strangled that sick bastard with my bare hands!\u201d<\/p>\n The gavel bangs. \u201cMr. Cartwright!\u201d Danny\u2019s voice is stern.<\/p>\n \u201cI hate him!\u201d I rant on. \u201cI hate Tanner with everything in me. I hate what he\u2019s done to me. I hate everything about him. I hate the memory of him. I hate the thought of him. I hate his name. I hate the way he haunts me. I hate the fact that he\u2019s right\u2014I did want to kill him, just like he said I would. I hate\u2014I hate him.\u201d I squeeze my eyes shut and bow my head to keep from bursting into tears like a little kid, right in front of everybody. Then I swallow hard and lift my head, looking McInerney in the eye. It\u2019s all I can do not to grab him by the collar and spit in his face. In a voice so low it\u2019s a wonder anybody can hear me, I say, \u201cThat\u2019s why I wish I\u2019d killed him. Because maybe if I had, I wouldn\u2019t hate him so much.\u201d<\/p>\n The room is deathly silent. I hold McInerney\u2019s gaze. I\u2019m not going to break first. I\u2019m done breaking. After a few moments, the captain steps back, looking up at the judge, and says, \u201cNothing further, Your Honor.\u201d<\/p>\n Forrester has a few simple questions for me. As much as anything, they seem to be designed to make me look calm and in control. I do my best to cooperate, and it isn\u2019t long before Danny tells me I can step down.<\/p>\n The rest of the hearing doesn\u2019t take long. An Army coroner testifies that there were no unusual marks on the body. No bullet wounds. No stab wounds. No bruises around the throat. No broken neck bones. No indication of whatever it was that caused Tanner to die in that room.<\/p>\n At the close of the hearing, Danny issues his ruling: \u201cThere being no evidence of any unnatural cause of the death of Corporal William Tanner, such death is hereby determined to be from natural causes. Case closed. This Court will now stand in recess.\u201d He bangs his gavel, and the bailiff tells us all to rise once more. Danny steps down from the bench and says something to the bailiff before leaving the room. The bailiff comes over to us and says, \u201cJudge Kidd would like to see you in his chambers.\u201d Pa and I follow him through the side door and into another room where Danny is waiting.<\/p>\n \u201cMr. Cartwright,\u201d he says, shaking Pa\u2019s hand. \u201cGood to see you, sir.\u201d<\/p>\n \u201cI think I\u2019m the one who should be calling you \u2018sir\u2019 now,\u201d Pa says with a chuckle.<\/p>\n Danny grins. \u201cWe\u2019re both majors. Joe here is the only civilian.\u201d His grin fades. \u201cI\u2019m sorry you had to go through all this. I told my superiors the coroner\u2019s report was enough, but they insisted.\u201d He looks at me carefully. \u201cHow\u2019re you doing?\u201d<\/p>\n \u201cI\u2019m fine,\u201d I say. He doesn\u2019t look like he believes me, so before he can ask anything else, I wave my hand at his uniform and say, \u201cHow did all this happen? \u2019Cause you were the last one I\u2019d ever have expected to join up.\u201d My attempt at distraction succeeds, and for a few minutes, it\u2019s like old times as we catch up on what\u2019s happened over the past twelve years. If I hadn\u2019t been feeling like I was just tied to a tree with somebody throwing knives at me, I\u2019d be pretty proud of what Danny\u2019s made of himself.<\/p>\n A knock sounds on the door, and Danny calls, \u201cCome in.\u201d The bailiff enters and tells Danny that Lieutenant Colonel Somebody or Other wants to speak with him. \u201cOf course,\u201d says Danny. \u201cI\u2019ll be right there.\u201d We all shake hands and promise to keep in touch, and Pa and I watch as Danny strides down the hall, his back ramrod straight.<\/p>\n The bailiff escorts us out to the courtroom. Candy and Jamie are standing with Forrester. As we approach them, I sense movement. The man who was in the back of the room\u2014the one I saw ever so briefly when McInerney was questioning me\u2014is coming toward us. Even before I register the details\u2014the bald head, the dark mustache and the beard with the gray stripe\u2014I know. I break away and start toward him, and he\u2019s moving faster down the aisle, and we\u2019re both running, and I can barely see him through my tears, but I can hear that familiar voice saying, \u201cLittle Joe!\u201d<\/p>\n Nothing else matters then, because my arms are wrapped around my brother, and he is holding me even tighter.<\/p>\n *****<\/p>\n \u201cHow did you know to come here?\u201d I ask later.<\/p>\n We\u2019re in Adam\u2019s hotel room, just the two of us. After Pa hugged Adam and introduced Candy and Jamie, we all came back to the hotel. Adam\u2019s room is on the floor above ours. The others are downstairs in our suite. We\u2019ll all be having dinner together later, but this time is for my brother and me, alone.<\/p>\n \u201cPa wrote to me,\u201d Adam says. \u201cHe told me all about what happened. When the Army set the date for the hearing, I made arrangements to come out.\u201d He pours each of us a brandy. \u201cI wanted to be here last night, but the train was delayed in Philadelphia.\u201d<\/p>\n \u201cYou\u2019re here now. That\u2019s what counts.\u201d I raise my glass, and he raises his. We drink in silence. Finally, I ask, \u201cHow much do you know?\u201d<\/p>\n \u201cObviously, I heard part of your testimony today, but Pa had already written to me,\u201d he says. \u201cI wanted to write to you about it before, but I didn\u2019t know what to say.\u201d<\/p>\n I raise an eyebrow. \u201cI think that may be the first time I\u2019ve ever heard you say that.\u201d<\/p>\n But my brother isn\u2019t joining the joke. I can see the pain in his eyes. It\u2019s not just his own pain any more. He\u2019s hurting for me, too. I bow my head, and he lays his hand on my shoulder. \u201cI know how you feel,\u201d he says quietly. \u201cBelieve me. I know.\u201d<\/p>\n \u201cThen explain it to me,\u201d I say, suddenly angry. I sit up abruptly and shove his hand away. \u201cTell me why it\u2019s still with me. Tell me why I can\u2019t forget him.\u201d<\/p>\n \u201cI wish I could,\u201d says Adam. \u201cJust like I wish I could promise it\u2019ll all go away for good.\u201d<\/p>\n \u201cWhat do you mean?\u201d But I know. A chill runs through me. He doesn\u2019t answer, and I force the word out: \u201cStill?\u201d<\/p>\n He nods. \u201cNot often, but . . . yes.\u201d After all these years. The madman haunts him still.<\/p>\n \u201cHow?\u201d I\u2019m not certain if I\u2019m even making sense.<\/p>\n \u201cNightmare. That\u2019s the most typical way. Occasionally, I see someone who looks like him, but that\u2019s rare. Or I\u2019ll meet somebody with the same name, and I try to figure out if I see a resemblance.\u201d<\/p>\n \u201cHave you?\u201d<\/p>\n \u201cNothing specific. And no, I don\u2019t ask them if they\u2019re related to him.\u201d<\/p>\n I try to imagine meeting someone named Tanner. The thought of meeting his brother, his cousin\u2014anyone who might share his bloodlines, who might be just as crazy\u2014causes a rush of nausea. I close my eyes and bend forward, fighting the urge. I feel Adam taking my glass from my hand, rubbing my shoulder. Finally, I sit back and open my eyes. \u201cHate it when that happens,\u201d I say with as much lightness as I can.<\/p>\n \u201cI know,\u201d Adam says. The thought that he really does know brings tears to my eyes, and I close them again to keep the tears from spilling over.<\/p>\n We sit in silence for what seems like a long time. Finally, I scrounge up all my courage and look my brother in the eye. \u201cCan I ask you something?\u201d He nods, and I say, \u201cWhy didn\u2019t you just kill him and get out of there as soon as you figured out what was going on?\u201d<\/p>\n For a second, he seems startled. Then, a slight smile tips the corners of his mouth. \u201cYou\u2019ve been waiting a long time to ask that.\u201d<\/p>\n I nod.<\/p>\n \u201cI kept waiting for you to ask.\u201d<\/p>\n It\u2019s my turn to be startled. \u201cWhy didn\u2019t you just tell me?\u201d<\/p>\n The smile disappears. \u201cI guess I figured that if you weren\u2019t asking, one of two things had happened. Either you\u2019d figured out the answer\u2014or you were afraid to hear it.\u201d He sits back. \u201cWhich was it?\u201d<\/p>\n I down my brandy in a single gulp. He refills my glass without comment on my refined manners. \u201cThe second, I guess.\u201d<\/p>\n He nods like he\u2019d thought as much. \u201cBut you\u2019re not scared anymore.\u201d<\/p>\n It\u2019s not a question, but I shake my head. \u201cSo tell me. Why didn\u2019t you kill him?\u201d I\u2019d have killed Tanner in a heartbeat, if only I\u2019d could have. I\u2019m not proud of it, but there it is. The son of a bitch was right. He said I\u2019d want to kill him, and I did. If I\u2019d been able\u2014if fate hadn\u2019t gotten to him first\u2014I would have.<\/p>\n Adam sits back in his chair. \u201cThe worst possible reasons: pride and blindness. I thought I was strong enough to beat him at his own game. By the time I understood what was happening, he\u2019d wormed his way into my mind and taken me prisoner\u2014not just physically, but inside, where it counted. That\u2019s how men like Kane and Tanner do what they do. They manipulate their victims, playing with them like a cat with a mouse.\u201d My own words from the hearing, coming back at me. He nods to let me know he recognizes what he\u2019s saying. \u201cFor them, it\u2019s not enough just to kill. There has to be a game.\u201d<\/p>\n A chill runs through me. Tanner\u2019s whistling. Letting me know he was closer. If he\u2019d just wanted to kill me, he could have snuck up on me, but that wasn\u2019t enough. He needed for me to feel him lurking behind every rock, every tree. To feel him closing in as I grew weaker, stumbling with pain and thirst and exhaustion. To feel him winning.<\/p>\n I duck my head so that Adam can\u2019t see my face. Out of the corner of my eye, I see him reach over and slide my glass closer. My arm throbs.<\/p>\n \u201cPa used to stand in your doorway at night and make sure you were still there,\u201d I recall.<\/p>\n \u201cI know.\u201d<\/p>\n I lift my head. \u201cHe does it to me now.\u201d<\/p>\n \u201cI\u2019m not surprised,\u201d Adam says. \u201cHe\u2019s lost a lot. It\u2019s a wonder he never held on tighter than he did.\u201d<\/p>\n I drink the brandy. The whole family has lost a lot, but Pa most of all. \u201cHow did you get over it?\u201d<\/p>\n \u201cOver which? Kane? Or you and Pa and Hoss watching me like hawks?\u201d<\/p>\n It\u2019s my turn to smile. \u201cBoth.\u201d<\/p>\n \u201cIt\u2019s taken a long time. Luckily, I found someone to talk to\u2014somebody who wasn\u2019t involved in any of it, who didn\u2019t have a stake in fixing me. Who listens, and cares, and doesn\u2019t judge.\u201d<\/p>\n \u201cA doctor?\u201d<\/p>\n \u201cActually, he\u2019s a priest.\u201d<\/p>\n \u201cA priest? You\u2019re Catholic now?\u201d<\/p>\n \u201cYou don\u2019t have to be Catholic to talk to a priest,\u201d my brother reminds me. \u201cWe met at a lecture on Descartes. He\u2019s become a good friend. If you want to come and visit, I\u2019ll introduce you. Guaranteed he\u2019ll beat you at chess.\u201d<\/p>\n I raise an eyebrow. \u201cDoes he beat you?\u201d<\/p>\n Adam chuckles. \u201cWe\u2019re about even.\u201d<\/p>\n \u201cAnd you talk to him about Kane?\u201d Inconceivable that my brother would confide in anyone about something so private. He barely even told it to us, and we\u2019re his family.<\/p>\n \u201cWe talk about all sorts of things. Our lives are part of the discussion.\u201d His voice is even, almost casual. Too casual.<\/p>\n \u201cAnd this\u2014what do you call him? Father?\u201d<\/p>\n \u201cYou\u2019d call him Father Aldrich. I call him Philip.\u201d<\/p>\n \u201cThis Father Aldrich\u2014he knows what happened? He understands?\u201d<\/p>\n It\u2019s Adam\u2019s turn to look away. \u201cHe had an older brother who was mad. He\u2019s told me some things. It was . . . difficult growing up in that household.\u201d The pain in my brother\u2019s voice underscores the words. I can only imagine what he\u2019s heard across the chess board. In a strange way, I envy them, my brother and the priest. Having someone to tell who truly knows how they feel. Who doesn\u2019t need to be protected from the worst parts. Who listens, and cares, and doesn\u2019t judge.<\/p>\n \u201cWhere\u2019s his brother now?\u201d I ask. A prison, I hope. Or an asylum. But not running around loose, out where innocent people are living innocent lives. Please, God, not out there loose.<\/i><\/p>\n \u201cOne of his victims fought back. He lost.\u201d He leans forward. His voice is intense, as if he needs to be certain I hear him: \u201cSooner or later, they all lose.\u201d<\/p>\n They all lose<\/i>. Kane. Tanner. The priest\u2019s brother. So many madmen. So many victims.<\/p>\n \u201cCan I ask you something else?\u201d I reach for the decanter.<\/p>\n \u201cYes, you may,\u201d says Adam with the slightest emphasis on the last word.<\/p>\n I resist the urge to stick out my tongue. My brother will never stop trying to educate me. \u201cYou didn\u2019t leave the Ponderosa because of Laura and Cousin Will.\u201d It\u2019s not a question, but he nods anyway. \u201cWas it because of Kane?\u201d<\/p>\n He holds up his glass for a refill. \u201cAt first,\u201d he says. \u201cI wanted to get away from the memories. Also, I wanted to free you all. Everyone was still trapped in that. I thought if I left, it might help.\u201d<\/p>\n So he\u2019d seen it after all. I pour for both of us. \u201cDid it work?\u201d<\/p>\n \u201cNot the way I expected,\u201d Adam says. \u201cTurns out, you can\u2019t get away from what\u2019s in your head just by changing the landscape. Besides, there\u2019s evil everywhere. Kevin never left Boston in his entire life.\u201d<\/p>\n \u201c\u2014Kevin\u2014\u201d<\/p>\n \u201c\u2014Philip\u2019s brother.\u201d<\/p>\n Kevin<\/i>. The madman had a name. A name and a family.<\/p>\n Will Tanner.<\/i> That\u2019s what he said his name was when he came into my camp. Will.<\/i> Like we were friends. I don\u2019t know Kane\u2019s first name. I wonder whether Adam does. I\u2019ll bet he does.<\/p>\n Adam drains his brandy and stands. \u201cPa\u2019s going to be waiting for us,\u201d he says, the older brother shepherding the younger off to dinner.<\/p>\n I remain seated. \u201cCan I ask you one more thing?\u201d At his nod, I ask, \u201cHow long did it take until he was really dead for you?\u201d<\/p>\n My brother\u2019s eyes are dark. \u201cAny day now.\u201d<\/p>\n *****<\/p>\n We only have a few days together in St. Louis. Adam has to get back to work in Boston, and we need to get back to the Ponderosa. I try not to be selfish about keeping my brother to myself, but Pa understands. Of course he does. After all, he\u2019s the one who arranged it.<\/p>\n Adam and I spend hours and hours walking the streets of St. Louis and talking. Not just about Kane and Tanner and the scars nobody else can see, but about all sorts of other things that have happened in the past nine years. I talk about Alice, and he tells me how sorry he is that he never met her. We talk a lot about Hoss, the good memories as well as the hard parts. Adam says, \u201cWhen Pa wrote and told me about Tanner, all I could think was, \u2018I wish Hoss was there. Joe\u2019s going to need him to get through this.\u2019\u201d<\/p>\n \u201cJust like you did,\u201d I say. We both need Hoss. We always have, and we always will. But we have each other, and that\u2019s saying a lot.<\/p>\n Too soon, it\u2019s our last day. We all have breakfast together in the hotel dining room. Jamie is thrilled to have met his eldest brother at last, and Adam teases him just the way he used to tease me when I was Jamie\u2019s age. I see Adam watching Candy, and I can tell he approves of the way Candy looks out for us. Most important, there\u2019s a peace about Pa that I haven\u2019t seen in a long time, like he\u2019s been reassured that even if Adam is traveling all over the world, he\u2019s still with us.<\/p>\n And then we\u2019re at the train station. Our train is set to leave at eight-thirty, and Adam\u2019s leaves at nine. We\u2019re all talking at once, trying to say one last thing, when the conductor on our train calls, \u201cAll aboard!\u201d Adam gives Jamie a quick hug and shakes Candy\u2019s hand. Pa wraps Adam in a hug so long I can\u2019t help laughing; Adam\u2019s not the kind for public shows of affection, and nobody but Pa could get away with this.<\/p>\n Finally, it\u2019s my turn to say goodbye to my brother. His eyes are glistening. To hell with his Boston propriety: I hug him every bit as long as Pa did, and I whisper, \u201cThanks.\u201d He squeezes me. Then, at the same time, we let go.<\/p>\n \u201cYou\u2019re going to be okay,\u201d he says under the din of people boarding the train.<\/p>\n I wink. \u201cAny day now.\u201d Recognition of the past, combined with the reality of what is, and the hope of what will be.<\/p>\n This time, he smiles. \u201cAny day now.\u201d He steps back, out of the way of other passengers, and with one last look at my brother, I climb onto the train that will take me home.<\/p>\n \u00a0<\/strong><\/strong><\/p>\n The End<\/p>\n <\/p>\n Tags:\u00a0 Adam Cartwright,\u00a0Ben Cartwright,\u00a0Candy Canaday,\u00a0Jamie Hunter Cartwright,\u00a0Joe \/ Little Joe Cartwright,\u00a0torture<\/p>\n