{"id":12109,"date":"2002-03-01T11:08:58","date_gmt":"2002-03-01T16:08:58","guid":{"rendered":"https:\/\/bonanzabrand.info\/library\/?p=12109"},"modified":"2025-02-27T12:05:57","modified_gmt":"2025-02-27T17:05:57","slug":"are-you-or-arent-you-by-debbieb","status":"publish","type":"post","link":"https:\/\/bonanzabrand.info\/library\/?p=12109","title":{"rendered":"Are You or Aren’t You (by DebbieB)"},"content":{"rendered":"

Summary:<\/strong> \u00a0After waking from a head injury, Joe struggles with what was real and what was a dream.<\/p>\n

Rated: \u00a0<\/strong>G (5,975 words)<\/p>\n

If I’m Dreaming Series:<\/strong><\/p>\n

    \n
  1. \u00a0If I’m Dreaming, Don’t Wake me<\/a><\/li>\n
  2. Are You or Aren’t You?<\/a><\/li>\n<\/ol>\n

    Are You or Aren’t You<\/strong><\/p>\n

    My head aches something terrible; therefore I have chosen to keep my eyes shut, for the moment that is.\u00a0 I can hear Pa moving about the room and I know he must be tired.\u00a0 He has spent the last several days at my bedside worrying about me.\u00a0 I am aware that both of my brothers have stayed close also.\u00a0 What I am having trouble remembering is just what it was that happened to me.\u00a0 I know I haven\u2019t been sick, or at least I don\u2019t feel sick, except for this blasted hurting in my head.<\/em><\/p>\n

    Now I can hear Pa whispering to Hoss but I can\u2019t make out what it is that Pa is telling him.\u00a0 I sense Hoss\u2019 presence next to my bed and I long to open my eyes and give him a big smile but it hurts too much.\u00a0 I feel his large beefy hand on my brow as he brushes at that infernal stray curl that my family is forever pushing back into place.\u00a0 I can\u2019t begin to count the times in my life that Pa, Adam or Hoss has moved that same lock of hair.\u00a0 Sometimes I have thought about cutting the blasted thing off, but then realize how ridiculous I would look if I did.\u00a0 And being that I sorta have a tendency to pride myself about my looks, I can\u2019t bring myself to do it, so I have to except the fact that my being sick will always give my family a reason to toy with my wayward curls.<\/p>\n

    Pa is scooting the chair up next to the bed; I hear it scraping across the floor.\u00a0 I feel myself smiling inside.\u00a0 Pa better not let Hop Sing catch him doing that, cause if the floor gets scratched, Pa\u2019s gonna be in big trouble.\u00a0 I have seen Hop Sing down on his hands and knees scrubbing these old wooden floorboards until they shined.<\/p>\n

    Once when I was little, I over heard Adam telling Pa that the floors were clean enough to eat off of.\u00a0 So one night instead of dirtying the dishes, I tried eating my supper on the floor.\u00a0 I can laugh about it now, but it sure wasn\u2019t funny that night, my butt burned for days when Pa found out what I had done.\u00a0 Hop Sing was none to pleased with me either.\u00a0 The only ones who thought it the least bit funny were my brothers, that is until Pa sent them to their rooms for laughing when they saw the look on our father\u2019s face.<\/p>\n

    \u201cJoseph?\u00a0 Wake up son,\u201d Pa was asking.<\/p>\n

    The tone of his voice is more of a plea than a request and it tears at my heart.\u00a0 Never has a father been more devoted than what mine has been to me and I love him all the more for it.\u00a0 My pa is a good man, honest and hard working too.\u00a0 But he sure doesn\u2019t put up with much nonsense, least ways not from me.\u00a0 He is always here though when I need him, like now.\u00a0 I can always count on him, and he never lies to me, ever.\u00a0 I can trust him with my life and I know if need be, my father would gladly give his own life to protect me, of that I have no doubt.<\/em><\/p>\n

    I force my eyelids to open and am rewarded with a huge smile.\u00a0 I can\u2019t help but notice the tears that have pooled in the depths of my father\u2019s dark eyes and I can read the relief that I see on his face at the same time.<\/p>\n

    \u201cWelcome back son,\u201d smiles Ben.<\/p>\n

    I return the smile the best I can though even that small gesture magnifies the pain in my head.
    \n<\/em>
    \n\u201cHave I been gone long?\u201d<\/p>\n

    I wonder aloud, knowing by the tired way that my father moves that indeed I had been.<\/em><\/p>\n

    \u201cOh about a week,\u201d answers Ben.<\/p>\n

    I turn at the sound of the door opening, ignoring the throbbing in my temples, and am pleased to see both of my brothers.\u00a0 From the looks on their faces, they are just as glad to see me too.<\/em><\/p>\n

    \u201cHey Adam, Hoss,\u201d<\/p>\n

    I call out to them.\u00a0 I know my voice is weak but I want them to know how much their being here for me really means to me.
    \n<\/em>
    \n\u201cHi Punkin, how ya feeling?\u201d asks Hoss grinning from ear to ear, the gap in the front of his teeth not hard to miss.<\/p>\n

    He looks like an oversized little kid who just got caught with his hand in the cookie jar.<\/em><\/p>\n

    Can you believe he still calls me Punkin?\u00a0 At first, back when I came to be here, it took getting used to, I mean back before this time, being called something like Punkin by your big brother usually made your friends think you were sissy or something worse.\u00a0 Or that\u2019s the way it appears to be in these crazy dreams I\u2019ve been having lately.\u00a0 But here, they don\u2019t think like that.\u00a0 To these men who are my family, well, it\u2019s just another way they have of expressing their affection for me.<\/p>\n

    \u201cMy head hurts, really bad.\u201d<\/p>\n

    I had to answer my brother or he would begin to worry all over again.\u00a0 I swear sometimes he gets worse than Pa does when I get sick or hurt.\u00a0 I think Hoss would have made a good mother, he\u2019s worse than an old mother hen at times.\u00a0 I almost laugh at the picture of Hoss in a dress with an apron but stop myself because of the discomfort in my head.<\/em><\/p>\n

    Adam moves closer to the bed.\u00a0 I admire my oldest brother; he has such strength, not just physical but inner strength.\u00a0 He is noble and honest, everyone I know respects him, I know I do.\u00a0 He sure has helped me through some rough times in my life, usually it\u2019s been the times when I have somehow managed to get myself into those messes where I just can\u2019t seem to find a way to get myself out of.\u00a0 But older brother Adam always manages to come up with an answer or a solution to my problems.\u00a0 Maybe later he can help me with this current problem.\u00a0 No, not my headache, but how I come to have such a bad headache.\u00a0 I want to ask him about these wild dreams I have had since I have been in and out of it, while I\u2019m at it.\u00a0 They have been really weird and I can\u2019t explain some of the things I see happening to me in them.\u00a0 I wouldn\u2019t tell just anyone, but they sorta scare me and where Adam is concerned, I can\u2019t say that there is much of anything that scares him.\u00a0 I could ask Pa, but he would just tell me to put it out of my mind, that the most important thing now is to work at getting better.\u00a0 Yeah, well that might have worked when I was a kid, but I\u2019m not a kid anymore.\u00a0 I\u2019m eighteen, a man at last. Ha, a man with a very excruciating headache I might add.<\/p>\n

    \u201cIt\u2019s about time you woke up, little buddy.\u201d<\/p>\n

    I know Adam is teasing me cause when he sat down on the edge of the bed, he poked me in the side and made me giggle.\u00a0 He always knew just where to tickle me to make me start giggling, which lots of times had ended in both of us getting stern looks from Pa when we got too carried away.<\/em><\/p>\n

    I remember this one time; I must have been six or seven.\u00a0 It had been snowing and Adam, Hoss and myself had been out playing in the snow but the temperature had started falling so Pa made us come inside.\u00a0 Hop Sing had insisted that we strip off our wet clothes right there in the kitchen, so being that we were such obedient boys we did what he said, we stripped.\u00a0 Well, we didn\u2019t know it at the time, but Pa had company in the great room and Hop Sing, in his haste to serve the company refreshments, had forgotten to tell the three of us to use the back stairs when we went up instead of the main stairs in the great room.\u00a0 Adam and Hoss had started tickling me, making me to almost pee on myself when I had managed to escape their wiggly fingers and run from the kitchen through the great room.\u00a0 I was laughing so hard and Adam and Hoss were chasing me that none of us noticed the startled expression on Pa\u2019s company\u2019s faces until it was too late.\u00a0 When we realized that there were people present, we stopped in our tracks and I can\u2019t say that right then Pa was very proud of his sons, for there we stood, the three of us stark naked as the day we came into this world.\u00a0 I think one lady actually fainted, I can\u2019t recall much else cause when the bellowing sound of Pa\u2019s voice finally reached our ears, and he drowned out the other screams that the ladies were making, we knew right then that we were in big trouble.\u00a0 We flew as fast as we could to get up those steps and outta sight.\u00a0 It was too late though, by the next day, the sizes of our mighty Ponderosas were talked about all over town.\u00a0 I think it was a couple of months before either Adam or Hoss was able to show their faces in Virginia City.\u00a0 As for me, I didn\u2019t really care; I didn\u2019t know then what a mighty Ponderosa even was!<\/p>\n

    \u201cYou just rest son.\u00a0 Doc Martin will be by later to check in on you,\u201d my pa informs me.<\/p>\n

    Boy, do I dread that.\u00a0 I never have been one who liked to see the doctor coming.\u00a0 Oh, Paul Martin isn\u2019t so bad, as a man that is.\u00a0 He ain\u2019t so bad as a doctor either, I mean, he is a terrific doctor; I just don\u2019t care for doctors in general.\u00a0 All they ever want to do is poke and jab at you, force you to drink this bitter tasting medicine and if you put up too much of a fight, they give you shots either in your arms or worse, your butt. \u00a0<\/em><\/p>\n

    \u201cI will Pa.\u201d<\/p>\n

    \u00a0No use getting him all worked up this soon.\u00a0 I find I can\u2019t seem to keep the smile off my face right now.\u00a0 Pa looks pleased that I haven\u2019t put up a fight about having the doctor to come out to look me over.<\/em><\/p>\n

    \u201cYou hurry up and get well Short Shanks.\u00a0 I\u2019m agettin\u2019 tired of doing my chores and yours too.\u201d<\/p>\n

    Hoss is teasing me again.\u00a0 I know this biggest brother of mine would do anything for me, he has always been like that.\u00a0 Poor guy, I can\u2019t count the number of times he has gotten in trouble with Pa over something I have gotten him into.\u00a0 There have been times when he took the blame for something that I did rather than to see, or I should say, hear me get my backside warmed up by Pa.<\/em><\/p>\n

    \u201cI will Hoss.\u00a0 Hoss?\u201d<\/p>\n

    I need to tell him something, something I should have said to him before now.
    \n<\/em>
    \n\u201cYeah squirt?\u201d grinned Hoss.<\/p>\n

    I feel the bed sinking as he sits himself down next to me.<\/em><\/p>\n

    \u201cThanks, thanks for everything.\u201d<\/p>\n

    I can almost see the big man blushing as he lowers his head.\u00a0 He\u2019s touched by my words.\u00a0 I\u2019m glad too, I mean, I meant what I said to him; Hoss is the best friend I have.\u00a0 I don\u2019t know what I would do without him.<\/em><\/p>\n

    I love each member of my family the same amount, but in different ways, with Pa, I can trust him to tell me the truth about anything and I know he tries to instill in me his values and beliefs all the while letting me learn things on my own.<\/p>\n

    With Adam, he\u2019s like a second pa to me but yet he\u2019s still my brother.\u00a0 He\u2019s the one I usually go to when I need help with something that I don\u2019t want Pa to know about.\u00a0 But then I\u2019ve basically already said all of that.<\/p>\n

    Hoss, as I said, is my best friend.\u00a0 I have seen him fight more than one man at a time coming to my rescue when I have gotten into fights back when the two of us were in school or later when we\u2019d be in town at the saloon.\u00a0 Most of those he and I have kept secret from Pa.\u00a0 If Pa found out about half of the things Hoss and I have gotten into, we\u2019d both never be allowed out of our rooms.\u00a0 The thing I admire most about my largest brother is the size of his heart.\u00a0 He is the most forgiving human I have ever known.\u00a0 No matter what I do to him, he always forgives me and usually it doesn\u2019t take too long either.<\/p>\n

    I remember this one time, I was eight and it was almost Christmas.\u00a0 I was just a little kid back then, but the kids at school were teasing me about there not really being a Santa Clause.\u00a0 I sorta already knew that there wasn\u2019t really a Santa; I just did not want to admit it, least ways not to my family.\u00a0 They always make such a big deal outta Santa Clause coming and all that I couldn\u2019t bring myself to tell them that I pretty much knew the truth.\u00a0 Anyway, I convinced Hoss to try to come down the chimney because I had been afraid that Santa was too fat to fit and I knew if Hoss could fit then naturally Santa would be able to.\u00a0 I laugh every time I think back to that day.\u00a0 Even ole stuffy pants Adam got caught up in our scheme.\u00a0 All was working out pretty well too, that is until Hoss got stuck in the chimney and Pa took that moment to arrive home.\u00a0 We all thought that we would be in trouble, but this time Pa was in a really good mood, even after it took us more than an hour to free Hoss from the chimney.\u00a0 I sure was worried that Hoss would pound me good when he was finally outta that chimney.\u00a0\u00a0 But instead he just hugged me and messed up my hair saying that at least now Santa wouldn\u2019t have to get dirty coming down our chimney cause Hoss had all the soot on him.<\/p>\n

    \u201cWe need to get to work. See you later Little Buddy.\u201d<\/p>\n

    Adam ruffles my hair as he bids me bye, he knows how I hate that but it\u2019s something he\u2019s done since I was a little boy and I\u2019ve sorta gotten used to it after all of these years.\u00a0 I know he and Hoss have chores to do and that they are going out to mend some fences later but I wish Adam could stay for a bit longer.\u00a0 I really want to ask him about these dreams.<\/em><\/p>\n

    \u201cWill you come sit with me when you get finished?\u201d<\/p>\n

    I know my voice sounds like I am begging and I know Adam senses it too because of the way he stopped at the door and is looking at me.
    \n<\/em>
    \n\u201cSure buddy, just as soon as I get back, I\u2019ll come right up, how\u2019s that?\u201d<\/p>\n

    I\u2019m almost positive that he can see the tears that have clouded my vision.\u00a0 I wonder why all of a sudden I want to cry.\u00a0 Maybe because my head still hurts, I hope that is all.\u00a0 I hate to cry in front of my brothers, especially Adam, I can\u2019t help but feel like a little kid when it happens, though Adam never puts me down or anything like that when I do.\u00a0 He usually is pretty understanding, he knows that I am the most emotional one of the family.<\/em><\/p>\n

    \u201cThanks, I want to talk to you about something, if you don\u2019t mind that is.\u201d<\/p>\n

    I feel better already; I know Adam can help me understand what is going on in my head.\u00a0 Sometimes I think he knows me better than I know myself.\u00a0 We are that much alike I suppose, at least Pa tells us we are, in more ways than either of us care to admit.\u00a0 Maybe that\u2019s why we disagree, more than we agree about things.\u00a0 Well, at any rate, I\u2019m glad he\u2019ll be back soon.<\/em><\/p>\n

    Pa walks out with Adam and Hoss as they leave me and being the over-protective parent that he is, Pa orders me to stay in the bed and rest until he gets back.\u00a0 I can\u2019t help it though and as soon as I hear the three of them going out the front door, I force myself to climb out of bed and though I am pretty shaky, I watch from my bedroom window.\u00a0 Hoss and Adam are leading their horses out of the barn, I watch from behind the curtain, and see them stop to speak with Pa.\u00a0 Probably getting orders as to what Pa wants them to get done today.\u00a0 I find myself smiling as Pa waves bye at them, just like he always has in the past.\u00a0 I wonder if Pa will ever come to terms with the fact that his three sons are men now instead of little boys.<\/p>\n

    Hop Sing is climbing into the buckboard.\u00a0 Pa hands him a slip of paper that I know is a list of things that he needs from town.\u00a0 Today is Saturday and Hop Sing is making his weekly trip into Virginia City for the supplies that we generally need by the end of the week.<\/p>\n

    Pa watches Hop Sing until he rounds the corner of the barn out of site before he turns and starts towards the house.\u00a0 I need to hurry and get back in bed.\u00a0 I know Pa will be up in a few minutes to check on me and if he finds me outta bed, he\u2019ll start yelling and that will only make my head hurt more.<\/p>\n

    Sure enough, here he comes; I can hear his boots clicking along on the floor.\u00a0 The hall runner mutes the sounds but then I heard the steps squeak before he even stepped into the hallway.<\/p>\n

    Phew\u2026I just made it.<\/p>\n

    \u201cHi Pa.\u00a0 Did Adam and Hoss get gone already?\u201d<\/p>\n

    No sense in putting him on the defensive by finding out that I already knew they were gone because I have been out of bed and was watching from my window.
    \n<\/em>
    \n\u201cYes and Adam said to tell you that he would be up to see you just as soon as he got home.\u201d<\/p>\n

    Pa has brought my breakfast tray up with him and is sitting it on the table next to my bed.\u00a0 I hadn\u2019t realized that I was hungry until I smelled the food.\u00a0 I hope it isn\u2019t oatmeal I hate that stuff.\u00a0 I\u2019d take steak and eggs any day over oatmeal mush.\u00a0 Yuk!<\/em><\/p>\n

    Pa places the tray on my lap and when he lifts the lid I know he heard my breath escape from my lungs when I see that it isn\u2019t oatmeal cause I feel his eyes smiling down on me.<\/p>\n

    \u201cHop Sing fixed you oatmeal, but I thought you might rather have this.\u201d<\/p>\n

    Pa is grinning at me like it is some big secret what he has done.\u00a0 Which to the two of us, it is a secret.\u00a0 We both know that Hop Sing would insist on the oatmeal if he were here, but thanks to Pa for sending him into town earlier so that Pa could fix me the ham and eggs.<\/em><\/p>\n

    \u201cThanks Pa.\u00a0 I\u2019ll have eggs and ham any day over mush.\u00a0 I was hoping for steak and eggs, but ham will do just as well.\u201d<\/p>\n

    I really want him to know that I appreciate what he has done for me so I will force myself to eat every last crumb on my plate.\u00a0 Maybe it will make my head stop hurting so much too after I drink this hot coffee he brought.<\/em><\/p>\n

    \u201cI have some things to do son.\u00a0 I hope you don\u2019t mind if I leave you for a little while.\u00a0 Just set your tray on the table when you\u2019re finished and I\u2019ll get it later.\u201d<\/p>\n

    There he goes again, brushing at my hair.\u00a0 I know what he will say next, \u2018you need a haircut son\u2019.<\/em><\/p>\n

    \u201cI think as soon as the doctor says you can get out, I will take you into town.\u00a0 You need a haircut son, do you realize that?\u201d<\/p>\n

    Pa smiles down at me and stops briefly, surprised to see me laughing and I know he wonders what I find so amusing.<\/em><\/p>\n

    \u201cYes sir, I\u2019m sure I do.\u00a0 And I promise I will get one real soon.\u201d<\/p>\n

    I make this promise for two reasons, I want to please my father and I really do need a haircut.\u00a0 Maybe these darn curls will stay in place better if I get my hair trimmed.<\/em><\/p>\n

    I\u2019ve just finished my meal and now I hear a buggy down in the yard.\u00a0 I bet it\u2019s the doctor.\u00a0 Great, I hope he doesn\u2019t want to give me a shot; I hate those things more than anything else.<\/p>\n

    \u201cWell hello, young man,\u201d Paul greets me as he pushes open the door and sees me sitting up in bed.<\/p>\n

    \u201cHi doc.\u201d<\/p>\n

    I hope he thinks the smile on my face is for real, cause it ain\u2019t.<\/em><\/p>\n

    Doc Martin is an old time friend of my father\u2019s.\u00a0 He\u2019s the doctor that tended my mother the night I was born.\u00a0 I guess you might say he is my life long friend as well.\u00a0 I know he worked hard the night I was born.\u00a0 I remember Pa telling me that it took Ma a long time to bring me into this world.\u00a0 He laughs when he tells the story, he likes to make me think that I was as stubborn then as I am now, but in truth, I can tell he likes to reminisce about that night cause he loves talking about my mother.\u00a0 I know he misses her sometimes really badly, so do I, even though it is hard for me to remember much about her.\u00a0 I know Pa sure did love her, and even Adam and Hoss did too.\u00a0 I remember though the stories that Pa told me about how Adam didn\u2019t much care for her at first but later, after I was born all of that changed and he hurt just as badly as Hoss and me did when she died.<\/p>\n

    \u201cHow are you feeling this morning, Joe?\u201d<\/p>\n

    I better pay attention, I hadn\u2019t heard Doc speaking to me the first time and I can see by the look on Pa\u2019s face that he is becoming concerned.<\/em><\/p>\n

    \u201cI\u2019m sorry doc, I was thinking about something else.\u201d<\/p>\n

    At least I am truthful. \u00a0<\/em><\/p>\n

    \u201cMy head hurts but other than that, I\u2019m fine.\u201d<\/p>\n

    \u201cI\u2019m sure it does hurt.\u00a0 You took a pretty hard blow to the back of your head.\u00a0 Are you seeing okay, Joe?\u00a0 No double or blurred vision?\u201d\u00a0 Paul asked me.<\/p>\n

    \u201cYes sir, I mean no sir.\u00a0 Like I said, I\u2019m fine other than this constant throbbing.\u201d<\/p>\n

    I didn\u2019t say anything about what was really bothering me.\u00a0 I didn\u2019t want Pa to start worrying again, and it really wasn\u2019t something that the doctor could help me with<\/em>.<\/p>\n

    \u201cThat\u2019s good Joe.\u00a0 I\u2019ll leave some of these pain powders with your father.\u00a0 You can take them about every four hours until your head stops hurting.\u00a0 Hopefully the pain will stop in a day or two.\u00a0 Do you want something to help you sleep?\u201d<\/p>\n

    I knew he was going to ask me that.\u00a0 Why is it that when you\u2019ve been practically unconscious for a week, the first thing they want you to do when you finally wake up is to go back to sleep?\u00a0 That never has made any sense to me.\u00a0 But no, I do not want to sleep, I\u2019m afraid I will start having those unexplainable dreams again, but naturally I can\u2019t tell the doctor that.<\/em><\/p>\n

    \u201cNo thanks.\u00a0 I can rest just fine once my headache eases off some.\u00a0 Besides, all I\u2019ve done for a week is sleep.\u201d<\/p>\n

    I watch the exchange between my pa and the doctor and wonder at what they might be thinking.\u00a0 Surely they aren\u2019t keeping something from me.
    \n<\/em>
    \n\u201cPa?\u201d<\/p>\n

    I just have to find out. \u00a0<\/em><\/p>\n

    \u201cIs there something you\u2019re not telling me?\u201d<\/p>\n

    My father moved to claim the doctor\u2019s spot next to me on the bed and I could tell from the look on his face that he is still fretting about me, he doesn\u2019t have to tell me that he is, I know it.<\/em><\/p>\n

    \u201cNo son, if there were anything else I would tell you.\u00a0 You drink this pain medicine and rest.\u00a0 I\u2019m going to see the doctor out and I\u2019ll be right back.\u201d<\/p>\n

    I know Pa is being truthful and it makes me feel better. \u00a0<\/em><\/p>\n

    \u201cSure,\u201d I said and turned the bitter tasting medicine up and swallowed it in three large gulps.<\/p>\n

    \u201cThis isn\u2019t going to make me sleepy is it Doc?\u201d<\/p>\n

    I call to the doctor before he has time to get all of the way out the bedroom door.<\/em><\/p>\n

    He just stopped and looked back at me laughing.<\/p>\n

    \u201cNo Joseph.\u00a0 It will help you to relax though so you can.\u00a0 And it will help with the pain.\u00a0 Now you stay in that bed, and if you\u2019re a good boy,\u201d he started laughing at that cause he knows how I hate being called a boy,<\/em> \u201c I just might let you go downstairs in a couple of days.\u201d<\/p>\n

    That was all it took. <\/em><\/p>\n

    \u201cYes sir,\u201d I nearly shouted causing both Pa and Doc Martin to burst out laughing.\u00a0 Both of them know how much I hate being confined to a sick bed.<\/em><\/p>\n

    I must have dozed because when I opened my eyes, I find Pa sitting in the chair next to my bed.\u00a0 He had brought his ledgers with him and I know he is trying to add up the totals in the long columns.<\/p>\n

    \u201cHaving problems, Pa?\u201d<\/p>\n

    I couldn\u2019t help but ask because the look on his face is so serious and he seems oblivious to anything around him and watching his expressions makes me giggle.\u00a0 Pa finally looks up at me when he hears the sound of my voice.<\/em><\/p>\n

    \u201cI\u2019m sorry Joseph, but yes a little, I never seem to get the same answer twice.\u00a0 I\u2019ll have to get Adam to double-check my totals after he gets home.\u00a0 What about you how is your headache this afternoon?\u201d<\/p>\n

    Pa put aside his work and I know he is ready to talk which is good cause I want to ask him about how I got hurt.<\/em><\/p>\n

    \u201cIt seems to be better.\u00a0 Pa, can I ask you something?\u201d<\/p>\n

    Pa leans over closer to me. <\/em><\/p>\n

    \u201cYou know you can son.\u00a0 What\u2019s bothering you?\u201d<\/p>\n

    I know that now is my chance so as with everything else I do in life, I plunge right ahead. \u00a0<\/em><\/p>\n

    \u201cI can\u2019t remember how I got hurt.\u00a0 It sorta bothers me too that I can\u2019t.\u201d<\/p>\n

    \u201cWell, let\u2019s see if I can help you out some.\u00a0 You know though Joseph, that if you can\u2019t remember, it\u2019s still okay.\u00a0 Now, what is the last thing you do remember?\u201d<\/p>\n

    Pa is watching my expressions and it sorta makes me nervous.\u00a0 Sometimes I think the man can read my mind; he always seems to know what I think, it must be a parent thing that\u2019s all it could be.<\/em><\/p>\n

    I bush back that unruly curl and finger comb my hair as I think.<\/p>\n

    \u201cI remember coming in the front door.\u00a0 After that I don\u2019t remember anything until I woke up this morning.\u00a0 I think I remember bits and pieces, but I\u2019m not sure about some things.\u201d<\/p>\n

    I don\u2019t want to say anything about the dreams, it is just too confusing right now and I\u2019m not sure what had been a dream and what had been real.
    \n<\/em>
    \n\u201cYou don\u2019t remember hitting your head?\u201d Pa asks me.<\/p>\n

    \u201cNo sir, only coming through the door\u2026oh, I remember falling in the floor, but that\u2019s all.\u201d<\/p>\n

    \u201cWell, son, it was past dinner time and you were late again, I might add.\u201d<\/p>\n

    Pa smiled at me then.\u00a0 I know it is something he has trouble tolerating, my always being late for a meal I mean.
    \n<\/em>
    \n\u201cYou must have been later than usual getting back from checking the fencing, your brothers and I were inside when it happened.\u00a0 But one of the hands said they saw you hurrying around the barn doing your chores.\u00a0 They didn\u2019t see you anymore after a few minutes and presumed that you had come to the house.\u00a0 But instead we think you must have climbed into the loft to toss down some hay for the horses since there was fresh hay in the stalls.\u00a0 You must have slipped on your way down.\u00a0 That\u2019s when you hit your head on something, probably the ladder.\u00a0 Of course all of this was taking place while we were waiting for you to get home.\u201d<\/p>\n

    Pa paused for a minute and must have thought I wanted to say something, but I didn\u2019t.<\/em><\/p>\n

    \u201cAnyway Joe, we don\u2019t know how long you laid out in the barn but eventually I heard you on the porch.\u00a0 Naturally I was angry with you for holding up supper again and when you opened the door, I yelled at you.\u00a0 I was sure surprised when you passed out and fell to the floor.\u00a0 We managed to get you to the settee and a few minutes later you came around.\u00a0 I found the bump on your head and knew right away that you probably had a bad concussion.\u00a0 You were talking funny, calling me Dad, and laughing about something.\u00a0 Then for no apparent reason you started to cry, that\u2019s when I carried you upstairs and sent Adam for the doctor.\u201d<\/p>\n

    I am amazed.\u00a0 That isn\u2019t the way I remember things happening.\u00a0 But I can\u2019t tell Pa that, he would never believe me if I did.\u00a0 I find it strange that I can remember things about my younger life but when I try to remember things about my life just before I came through the door, everything gets all fuzzy and blurry.\u00a0 I\u2019m not sure if what little I remember is real or part of my dreams; it sure felt real.\u00a0 But it can\u2019t be, cause if it were then I\u2019m not really who I am.\u00a0 I mean I was Joe Cartwright then, and I\u2019m Joe Cartwright now, but were the two the same or were they different people?\u00a0 See, I told ya it gets confusing.<\/em><\/p>\n

    Oh, oh, Pa is still talking.<\/p>\n

    \u201cPaul came then and said you had a bad concussion, just as I had thought and said you would probably be out for several days until the swelling had time to go down.\u201d<\/p>\n

    Pa must have thought I was getting tired when I laid my head back against the pillows cause he stopped talking then and covered me up.\u00a0 That\u2019s when I opened my eyes and saw that anxious look in his eyes again.
    \n<\/em>
    \n\u201cI\u2019m sorry Pa.\u00a0 I was just trying to remember.\u201d<\/p>\n

    I figure that would be the best thing to say, which it was the truth.<\/em><\/p>\n

    \u201cJoe, you rest now son.\u00a0 Try not to worry about what happened.\u00a0 The important thing now is for you to get better.\u00a0 How you got hurt isn\u2019t really significant at this point.\u00a0 I want to see my boy up and about real soon.\u00a0 Now, close your eyes Joseph and take a nap.\u201d<\/p>\n

    Pa was really being good to me and I can\u2019t resist the urge to slip my arms around his neck and give him a hug.
    \n<\/em>
    \n\u201cThanks Pa,\u201d I whisper in his ear as he slips his arms around my neck.<\/em><\/p>\n

    I nearly cry when he places a kiss on my cheek, there is just something about a father kissing his grown son that tugs at a person\u2019s heartstrings.\u00a0 I\u2019m glad my father is one of those men who are not afraid to show their true feelings.\u00a0 Maybe that\u2019s why Hoss and I are so much like him in that way.\u00a0 Adam is more reserved than we are, but sometimes he forgets and lets his guard down and then we can see his true self.\u00a0 He doesn\u2019t let that happen very often and I have never seen it happen when an outsider is present.\u00a0 He just isn\u2019t the type; you would just have to know him to understand what I mean.<\/p>\n

    It is nearly dark now.\u00a0 I can\u2019t believe that I have slept the afternoon away like this.\u00a0 Pa must have given up on the ledger cause I can hear voices downstairs and can tell that he is talking to Adam and Hoss.\u00a0 I wish I could get out of bed and join them for supper.\u00a0 Funny in away, when I\u2019m well; it doesn\u2019t seem to bother me if I\u2019m late for a meal or even if I miss one.\u00a0 But when I know I have to stay in the bed, I really start to miss getting to eat with my family.\u00a0 I miss their company, well most of the time.<\/p>\n

    Strange, in my dream, I had lost my family and was really lonesome for them.\u00a0 I remember how I hurt, in my heart I mean, just before I opened that door and how I felt afterwards, when I felt like I had my family back again.\u00a0 It all seems so real; it\u2019s hard to think of it being just a dream.<\/p>\n

    \u201cYou awake now Little Buddy?\u201d<\/p>\n

    Adam just came into my room.\u00a0 Boy he must have had a hard day cause he sure looks beat.\u00a0 He amazes me, he never complains about the amount of work he has to do. He does complain about the amount of work I don\u2019t do though.\u00a0 I guess I should be ashamed of myself, I do tend to put off today what can be done tomorrow and they all know it.\u00a0 I think I will work to correct that when I\u2019m able to get back to work, they deserve better than what I give them, they all give so much more to me.<\/em><\/p>\n

    \u201cYeah, I\u2019m awake.\u00a0 You look beat, tough day?\u201d<\/p>\n

    \u201cGuess you can say that.\u00a0 Those steers up in the north pasture tore down a whole section of fencing.\u00a0 Something must have spooked them for them to make such a mess of things.\u00a0 It took Hoss and I all day to mend that fence.\u201d<\/p>\n

    Adam settled himself in the chair and when he laid his head back I thought for a minute he might go to sleep.\u00a0 Suddenly I felt bad about taking up his time when he is so obviously worn out.
    \n<\/em>
    \n\u201cAdam, we can talk tomorrow if you\u2019re too tired.\u201d<\/p>\n

    I think I\u2019ll let him off the hook.\u00a0 If he would rather take a bath and go to bed it would be all right with me.
    \n<\/em>
    \n\u201cNo Joe, I\u2019m fine, really.\u201d<\/p>\n

    I watch as he straightens himself in the chair and realize that this brother was true to his word.\u00a0 He said this morning he would talk to me and knowing Adam, no matter how tired he really was he would keep his promise.
    \n<\/em>
    \n\u201cWhat\u2019s eating at you Joe?\u00a0 You seemed to have something particular on your mind this morning.\u00a0 I\u2019ve thought about it all day, I knew you seemed troubled about something.\u201d<\/p>\n

    I have to admit Adam is observant.\u00a0 He knew this morning that I needed to talk to him.
    \n<\/em>
    \n\u201cIt\u2019s about what happened to me.\u00a0 Pa told me how I got hurt but I don\u2019t remember anything other than when I came into the house and then passed out.\u201d<\/p>\n

    Adam is pulling his chair closer to the bed and I know I have his undivided attention. <\/em><\/p>\n

    \u201cDoes that bother you, I mean about not being able to remember?\u201d<\/p>\n

    I can feel my stomach getting queasy and my eyes starting to tear up at thinking about the visions in my dreams and recalling the melancholy feelings I experienced.
    \n<\/em>
    \n\u201cI\u2019m not sure Adam.\u00a0 I mean I know that what Pa told me was the truth.\u201d<\/p>\n

    I have to pause and take in some air before I get sick.<\/em><\/p>\n

    Adam senses that I am getting upset that\u2019s why he\u2019s moved from the chair to sit next to me on the bed.\u00a0 He\u2019s facing me and for some reason, it\u2019s hard for me to look him in the face.\u00a0 His touch is tender as his fingers lift my chin upward so that I have to look him eye to eye.
    \n<\/em>
    \n\u201cWell?\u201d<\/p>\n

    \u201cWhat I remember is not what Pa says happened.\u00a0 I don\u2019t want you to think that I thought Pa lied to me.\u00a0 I mean\u2026well\u2026I\u2019m not sure what I mean.\u201d<\/p>\n

    I know I\u2019m not making much sense now.<\/em><\/p>\n

    \u201cJoe, why don\u2019t you tell me what you remember first, then we can compare it with what Pa says happened. Besides, he was inside with Hoss and I so he can\u2019t say positively what occurred, only what he suspects might have taken place.\u201d<\/p>\n

    That makes sense to me. \u00a0<\/em><\/p>\n

    \u201cWell, I was me, Joe Cartwright, but I wasn\u2019t me.\u201d<\/p>\n

    I pause and watch the expression on Adam\u2019s face and smile when I see the corners of his lips begin to twitch, I know he is trying hard not to laugh.<\/em><\/p>\n

    \u201cI told you it was weird.\u201d<\/p>\n

    He smiles at me then and nods his head meaning that I am to continue.
    \n<\/em>
    \n\u201cLike I said, I was Joe Cartwright, except I was older.\u00a0 I don\u2019t know why I was older or how I got home but I was standing in the yard alone.\u00a0 And I was sad too, you know, really unhappy.\u00a0 It reminded me of how I felt when my mother died.\u00a0 Anyway I remember that the reason I was sad was because all of my family was gone.\u201d<\/p>\n

    I can really feel the tears now just thinking about my family being gone makes me wanna cry.\u00a0 I use the backs of my hands and wipe away the tears.\u00a0 Adam\u2019s watching me and I know he thinks I\u2019ve really gone off the deep end.<\/em><\/p>\n

    \u201cAdam, it\u2019s weird I know.\u00a0 But it\u2019s the truth.\u00a0 When I started to open the door, I heard Pa yelling at me and I knew he was angry because I was late for dinner again.\u00a0 But it wasn\u2019t this Ben, it was my father then who just happened to have the same name.\u201d<\/p>\n

    Adam is pinching the bridge of his nose.\u00a0 That isn\u2019t a good sign.\u00a0 It means he is having trouble with this whole idea that I wasn\u2019t who I was, that I was me but from another time.\u00a0 If he finds it hard to understand, he should be me trying to figure it out.\u00a0 But it does make me wonder whether or not a person can die and then somehow live again in a different era.\u00a0 I can\u2019t say that to Adam, he is so logical all of the time and I know I would really sound silly to him if I shared those thoughts with him.\u00a0 Yet, still, could it be possible?<\/em><\/p>\n

    \u201cJoe, what you are trying to say is that you believe that you were you, yet older and that for whatever reason, the rest of us were dead?\u201d<\/p>\n

    I nod my head.<\/em><\/p>\n

    \u201cLittle Buddy, listen to me.\u00a0 You took a tremendous wallop to the back of your head.\u00a0 Even Doc Martin said you were lucky that you didn\u2019t break your neck.\u00a0 I know that the mind plays cruel tricks on us at times like that.\u00a0 Things that are real seem unreal and vice versa.\u00a0 I don\u2019t have a solid answer for you, no matter how real it might have seemed to you.\u00a0 This much I do know for sure, you are Joe Cartwright, you are my brother and you are here with me now, regardless of where you think you might have been.\u00a0 This is now, the present, not the past and certainly not the future.\u00a0 I don\u2019t see why you feel the need to decide which Joe is the right Joe, you are simply who you are that\u2019s all.\u00a0 Besides, if you were the older Joe Cartwright, I can\u2019t say from what you just told me, that you were very happy, now were you?\u201d<\/p>\n

    He had me there.\u00a0 No from what little I could tell, I was extremely unhappy before opening the front door.\u00a0 Once inside, everything changed.\u00a0 Adam is right, why should I worry about it?\u00a0 After all, I have my family.\u00a0 I know they love me and I certainly love them.\u00a0 Maybe getting this lump on my head was God\u2019s way of showing me how much my family means to me and just how I\u2019d really feel if they weren\u2019t around. Now that I think about it, I wouldn\u2019t want to change places with anyone, even if their name was Joe Cartwright.<\/em><\/p>\n

    \u201cJoe, who are you pal?\u00a0 Joe Cartwright my brother or Joe Cartwright from some dream who has no family?\u201d<\/p>\n

    Adam is staring at me and I know he is waiting for my answer. \u00a0<\/em><\/p>\n

    \u201cI know who you are, do you?\u201d<\/p>\n

    I don\u2019t know why I am hesitating so long.<\/em><\/p>\n

    \u201cJoe, are you? Or aren\u2019t you?\u201d<\/p>\n

    Adam shakes my shoulder to break me away from my doubts.\u00a0 It really must have been the blow to my head, of course I know who I am.\u00a0 I look at Adam and I know the tears are rolling down my cheeks cause I can feel them.<\/em><\/p>\n

    \u201cI am.\u201d<\/p>\n

    I smile as Adam takes me in his arms and hugs me.<\/em><\/p>\n

    \u201cWelcome home little brother.\u201d<\/p>\n

    \u201cThanks Adam.\u00a0 It\u2019s good to be back.\u201d<\/p>\n

    THE END
    \nMarch 2002<\/strong><\/p>\n","protected":false},"excerpt":{"rendered":"

    Summary: \u00a0After waking from a head injury, Joe struggles with what was real and what was a dream.<\/p>\n

    Rated: \u00a0G (5,975 words)<\/p>\n

    If I’m Dreaming Series, links to all stories within the series are included.<\/p>\n","protected":false},"author":9052,"featured_media":4853,"comment_status":"open","ping_status":"closed","sticky":false,"template":"template-full-width-post.php","format":"standard","meta":{"_jetpack_newsletter_access":"","_jetpack_dont_email_post_to_subs":false,"_jetpack_newsletter_tier_id":0,"_jetpack_memberships_contains_paywalled_content":false,"_jetpack_feature_clip_id":0,"_jetpack_memberships_contains_paid_content":false,"footnotes":"","jetpack_publicize_message":"","jetpack_publicize_feature_enabled":true,"jetpack_social_post_already_shared":false,"jetpack_social_options":{"image_generator_settings":{"template":"highway","default_image_id":0,"font":"","enabled":false},"version":2},"jetpack_post_was_ever_published":false,"_members_access_role":[],"_members_access_error":""},"categories":[23,41,1007],"tags":[],"class_list":["post-12109","post","type-post","status-publish","format-standard","has-post-thumbnail","hentry","category-drama","category-hurtcomfort","category-joe-cartwright","wpcat-23-id","wpcat-41-id","wpcat-1007-id"],"jetpack_publicize_connections":[],"jetpack_likes_enabled":true,"jetpack_sharing_enabled":true,"jetpack_featured_media_url":"https:\/\/i0.wp.com\/bonanzabrand.info\/library\/wp-content\/uploads\/2014\/04\/Joe5.png?fit=565%2C346&ssl=1","_links":{"self":[{"href":"https:\/\/bonanzabrand.info\/library\/index.php?rest_route=\/wp\/v2\/posts\/12109","targetHints":{"allow":["GET"]}}],"collection":[{"href":"https:\/\/bonanzabrand.info\/library\/index.php?rest_route=\/wp\/v2\/posts"}],"about":[{"href":"https:\/\/bonanzabrand.info\/library\/index.php?rest_route=\/wp\/v2\/types\/post"}],"author":[{"embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/bonanzabrand.info\/library\/index.php?rest_route=\/wp\/v2\/users\/9052"}],"replies":[{"embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/bonanzabrand.info\/library\/index.php?rest_route=%2Fwp%2Fv2%2Fcomments&post=12109"}],"version-history":[{"count":0,"href":"https:\/\/bonanzabrand.info\/library\/index.php?rest_route=\/wp\/v2\/posts\/12109\/revisions"}],"wp:featuredmedia":[{"embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/bonanzabrand.info\/library\/index.php?rest_route=\/wp\/v2\/media\/4853"}],"wp:attachment":[{"href":"https:\/\/bonanzabrand.info\/library\/index.php?rest_route=%2Fwp%2Fv2%2Fmedia&parent=12109"}],"wp:term":[{"taxonomy":"category","embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/bonanzabrand.info\/library\/index.php?rest_route=%2Fwp%2Fv2%2Fcategories&post=12109"},{"taxonomy":"post_tag","embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/bonanzabrand.info\/library\/index.php?rest_route=%2Fwp%2Fv2%2Ftags&post=12109"}],"curies":[{"name":"wp","href":"https:\/\/api.w.org\/{rel}","templated":true}]}}