{"id":12137,"date":"2002-05-05T14:20:06","date_gmt":"2002-05-05T18:20:06","guid":{"rendered":"https:\/\/bonanzabrand.info\/library\/?p=12137"},"modified":"2026-07-31T08:37:39","modified_gmt":"2026-07-31T12:37:39","slug":"coming-to-terms-by-debbieb","status":"publish","type":"post","link":"https:\/\/bonanzabrand.info\/library\/?p=12137","title":{"rendered":"Coming to Terms (by DebbieB)"},"content":{"rendered":"

Summary:<\/strong> When Joe is the lone survivor of a horrific accident, he finds himself questioning a God who allows bad things to happen to good people. His faith in God, his fellowman, his family and in himself are tested in this story that I dedicated to those who have at one time or another asked, ‘Why God? Why?’<\/p>\n

Rated: <\/strong>G (14,675 words)
\n<\/strong><\/p>\n

This story is dedicated to my on-line friend, Peggy, who is also my number one critic.\u00a0 She lives in New York, close to the tragedy of September 11, 2001 and has expressed to me some of her own concerns about unanswered questions.\u00a0 She asked that I write a story about Joe, a tragedy and unanswered questions that tested his faith and trust in a God that would allow bad things to happen to good people.\u00a0 I hope you like it, it\u2019s for you Peggy, with love and admiration.\u00a0 Debbie B ;0)<\/em><\/p>\n

Coming to Terms<\/strong><\/p>\n

I sit and watch as my son\u2019s beautiful but sad eyes begin to fill with tears once more.\u00a0 I wonder just how many tears this youngest boy of mine has shed since the accident?\u00a0 My heart yearns to gather him into the folds of my arms and hold him near but I sense that at this moment, my nineteen year-old is more man than boy, though I guess even a grown man may at times feel the need to be comforted and held.\u00a0 I know that Joseph has had that need on more than one occasion in the last few weeks.\u00a0 It\u2019s sad, sitting here watching him struggle with answers that leave him still unconvinced.\u00a0 But how do you explain to a compassionate and tender young man, the whys and why nots of our God?\u00a0 I\u2019ve tried to explain to him the best way I could why things happen as they do, what with everything that takes place in our lives, God has a reason.\u00a0 We may not understand and we, being just mortal man, often tend to question God\u2019s wisdom.\u00a0 Joseph has, I know in the past I have, and so has his brothers during the course of their own lives.\u00a0 It\u2019s something that as human beings we tend to do.\u00a0 The good book says that we should not question God, but instead have faith.\u00a0 I hardly think that God holds it against us when we do ask him why, for even God who sent Jesus to earth as a flesh and blood man knew that His own son would ask why He had been forsaken, surely our heavenly father understands when my son asks.<\/p>\n

I\u2019ve tried to give my grieving son the tools that God has placed before us to learn why He allows certain things to happen to good people, but Joseph being young and impetuous, tends to want to know the most intimate details instantly rather than to take time to study God\u2019s word and find the answers that would supply his need to know.\u00a0 Maybe I should explain why my son is so confused and distraught, not to mention feeling guilty.\u00a0 The guilt is what is eating away at him; it\u2019s tearing him apart inside and is slowly changing this once vibrant, if not somewhat spontaneous, handsome young man into a withdrawn introvert, and that breaks my heart.\u00a0 Joseph has always been the heartbeat of this family, the one who always keeps me and Adam and Hoss on our toes for we never know what to expect from the boy.\u00a0 But that has been one of the greatest pleasures in my life, having watched this bright eyed, curly headed little fella grow from infancy into an inquisitive and often mischievous adolescent and finally into the aspiring young man that he was well on the way to becoming, until tragedy and near death changed his life forever.<\/p>\n

It all began over two months ago when Jack and Polly Mercer, our long time neighbors, came to pay us a visit.\u00a0 Adam had gone to Sacramento on business and was not due back until the following evening.\u00a0 Hoss had gone to the lumber camp and after spending over a week there, was sure to be home the following morning.\u00a0 It was just Joseph and I and of course Hop Sing, our cook and housekeeper, who greeter the Mercers and their family of five children that fateful afternoon.\u00a0 When Jack, who had the week before broken his leg while working, helped Polly down from the wagon that evening, it was obvious to everyone just by looking at her swollen stomach that her time was very near; that was the reason for their visit, they needed a favor.\u00a0 That small request would change the lives of several persons forever, my own family included, and call an end to the lives of seven people before the week was up.<\/p>\n

\u201cJack, Polly, how good to see you.\u00a0 Won\u2019t you come in?\u00a0 Joe, help Mrs. Mercer to a chair,\u201d Ben instructed as he shook hands with his neighbor, Jack Mercer.<\/p>\n

Joe stepped aside as he opened the front door and taking Polly\u2019s elbow, helped the lovely young mother to the settee where he gently aided her in sitting.\u00a0 Her husband and his father followed them inside and behind them trailed the Mercer children, Freddie 12, Sallie 10, Ernie 8, Johnny 6 and in Freddie\u2019s arms was four year old Victoria Rose, a beautiful little girl if ever there was one.\u00a0 Her eyes were the color of the ocean, a clear deep crystal blue.\u00a0 Her blond hair lay in golden ringlets midway down her back and about her face where the shorter strands stuck to her chubby but rosy little cheeks.\u00a0 When she smiled a dimple appeared in each corner of her mouth, giving her a cherub like appearance that reminded the viewers of an angel who had yet to earn her wings.\u00a0 There was no doubt to either Ben or Little Joe Cartwright that the toddler was the apple of her father\u2019s eye and her mother\u2019s pride and joy.\u00a0 And it was clear that the other four children doted on their baby sister for their love of the child was uncensored to even an untrained eye, the little girl was deeply revered.<\/p>\n

The Mercers had moved to the area shortly after they married.\u00a0 They had been very young, Polly only sixteen and already with a baby on the way.\u00a0 Jack had not been much older, only eighteen.\u00a0 He came to Virginia City with his young bride, a soon to be father with nothing more than a covered wagon to call home, a few meager belongings, and little money.\u00a0 What he did have was determination, will power and a quest for making it here in the west where times were hard and demanding even to a seasoned veteran.<\/p>\n

Ben had admired the hard working young couple and had befriended them the first time they had met.\u00a0 It had been in the mercantile where the couple was attempting to purchase much needed supplies.\u00a0 The owner of the shop at the time, Mr. Gibson, had refused to allow them credit, which was understood under their current circumstances, with no means to repay the shop owner except for a promise to do so when things improved for them.\u00a0 Ben had listened quietly from the opposite side of the store and knowing exactly how the young couple felt, for he remembered that it had not been that many years ago that he had found himself in much the same condition.\u00a0 When the Mercers had walked out of the store empty handed, Ben had followed them out and offered Jack a job on his ranch.\u00a0 Jack and Polly stood in stunned silence, not really believing that here was the answer to their prayers.\u00a0 Jack had accepted heartily and by the end of the day, Ben had set the young expecting couple up in the closest line shack to the main ranch house.\u00a0 Three weeks later, young Freddie had been born, healthy and wailing at the top of his lungs.\u00a0 By the next year, the little family had managed to save just enough money to purchase a small spread not far from the Ponderosa.\u00a0 They had set up house keeping on their own place in a small but sound one room log cabin and over the next few years, their family had grown by leaps and bounds, and their ranch thrived under Jack\u2019s hard working hands.\u00a0 Ben had kept a watchful eye on his friends, he and his young sons helping out whenever needed until at long last Jack and Polly were able to stand on their own.\u00a0 It was a friendship that had blossomed over the years and one cherished by both families. Now, a simple request was about to test the depth of that long-standing relationship.<\/p>\n

\u201cBen,\u201d began Polly with a big smile.\u00a0 Her children, well mannered had made themselves comfortable lined up and sitting on the stone hearth in front of the massive fireplace.\u00a0 Hop Sing had just set a tray of fresh baked cookies and glasses of milk on the wooden table in the center of the sitting area.\u00a0 The children were quietly helping themselves as their parents related the reason for their late afternoon visit.<\/p>\n

\u201cBen, we are in need of a favor,\u201d beamed Polly.\u00a0 \u201cAs you can see, it won\u2019t be long now until we have an addition to our family.\u201d\u00a0 Polly lovingly patted her stomach and smiled at her husband who kept a watchful if not somewhat worried eye on his expecting wife.<\/p>\n

\u201cWe were wanting to take the three younger children to Carson City to stay with my parents until after the baby comes, but since Jack broke his leg, he has been unable to travel.\u00a0 And in my condition, it is impossible with the baby due just any day.\u201d\u00a0 Polly had to stop and catch her breath, for her added weight made it harder to breathe when she rattled on non-stop as she was now doing and Jack jumped at his chance to join in the conversation.<\/p>\n

One thing I have learned over the years about Polly is that if Jack didn\u2019t get started talking first, it was few times that the man got to say anything at all, though it was obvious that he loved his wife and overlooked this little flaw in her personality.<\/p>\n

\u201cPolly dear, let me do the talking, you just relax.\u201d\u00a0 Jack gently chided his wife.\u00a0 \u201cWe were wondering if perhaps one of your boys would be willing to accompany the children on the stage to Carson City.\u00a0 Naturally we would pay for their ticket.\u00a0 All they would have to do is to see that the children were delivered safely to Polly\u2019s parents, spend the night and return the next day.\u00a0 Of course there would be the one night lay over so it would really be a matter of three nights if you count going and coming back.\u201d<\/p>\n

Ben raised his eyebrows somewhat and glanced at Joe who was talking softly with Freddie.\u00a0 Victoria Rose had climbed out of her brother\u2019s arms and into Joe\u2019s lap where she at made herself comfortable.\u00a0 She had her eyes trained on Joe\u2019s face and when Joe smiled down at her, she would smile shyly up at him and bat her long lashes at him in a bewitching but innocent manner.\u00a0 Here was a real heart breaker in the making smiled Ben to himself, thinking that Joseph had finally met his match in this adorable four year old who seemed to be enjoying the extra attention that Joe was giving to her.<\/p>\n

\u201cJack, I would love to help you out, but Adam is in Sacramento and not due back until tomorrow afternoon.\u00a0 And Hoss has been up at the lumber camp for a week and won\u2019t be back until in the morning, and that\u2019s only if things are straightened out.\u00a0 I would go myself but I have a meeting in the afternoon with my lawyer about some mining contracts that have to be signed before the deadline.\u201d Ben explained.<\/p>\n

Both Polly and Jack glanced at Joe who was now tickling their daughter under her chin causing her to giggle and squirm on his lap.\u00a0 It was hard to tell who was enjoying the visit more, Victoria or Joseph, for one acted no older or no younger than the other.<\/p>\n

Seeing the looks that were given to Joe, and intercepting their thoughts, Ben cast a doubtful glance in his son\u2019s direction and quickly turned his attention back to his visitors.<\/p>\n

\u201cJack, I really don\u2019t think that Joseph is old enough to take on three little children all on his own.\u00a0 Why\u2026anything could happen and\u2026well\u2026he hasn\u2019t been around many children.\u00a0 I just don\u2019t think\u2026\u201d<\/p>\n

\u201cAw Pa,\u201d laughed Joe who had been listening to the conversation.\u00a0 \u201cI don\u2019t see what could be so hard about it.\u00a0 After all look at them, they are perfect little angels,\u201d Joe laughingly told his father and then turned to face the little girl\u2019s father.<\/p>\n

\u201cMr. Mercer, I wouldn\u2019t mind at all to accompany the children to Carson City, that is if you really trust me enough and if Pa here will agree,\u201d stated Joe as he placed Victoria Rose on her feet and stood up.<\/p>\n

Ben looked even more doubtful and somewhat worried that his son might be taking on more than he could handle.\u00a0 \u201cJoe, are you sure you can manage?\u201d asked Ben, hoping that his over zealous son would reconsider his offer.<\/p>\n

Joe grinned at his father as he grabbed Victoria up in his arms and swung her onto his shoulders causing her to start giggling again.<\/p>\n

\u201cSure Pa, I think I can manage just fine.\u00a0 We\u2019ll have a great trip won\u2019t we, beautiful?\u201d Joe said more to the little girl in his arms than to his father.<\/p>\n

Ben still looked doubtful as he watched his son swing Victoria to the floor.\u00a0 At times like this, when Joseph had made himself comfortable in the floor to play with the children, Ben could still see much of the boy that remained in his grown son.\u00a0 It worried him that Joe might be assuming too much but he also was aware of the fact that to deny his son the opportunity to be of service to their friends would be as if he lacked faith enough in Joe to complete the job.\u00a0 And that certainly was not true for he knew that in many things, Joe had proved himself capable enough to handle himself.\u00a0 But this was different Ben silently told himself, this involved taking on the responsibility of another man\u2019s family, children entrusted to his care for which he would be totally responsible for.<\/p>\n

\u201cJoseph, are you positive son?\u201d Ben asked for the second time as he came to stand over his son who was now giving horsy-back rides for the children.<\/p>\n

Joe rose to his feet and faced his father.\u00a0 \u201cPa, don\u2019t you think I can handle it?\u201d Joe\u2019s smile had suddenly faded as he tried to read the concern on Ben\u2019s face.<\/p>\n

\u201cIt\u2019s not that son\u2026\u201d started Ben.<\/p>\n

\u201cThen what, Pa?\u201d questioned Joe, his eyes never leaving his father\u2019s face.\u00a0 The look on his son\u2019s face told Ben that Joe was silently beginning to become exasperated because of his father\u2019s hesitation in answering his question.<\/p>\n

Ben smiled trying to ease the situation and rested his hand on Joe\u2019s shoulder.\u00a0 \u201cNothing Joseph, of course I think you can handle this.\u201d<\/p>\n

Turning to the children\u2019s parents he forced another smile, for in his heart he felt reluctant, but stated.\u00a0 \u201cJack, Polly, if you really want Joseph to take the children to your parents, and Joe feels comfortable about doing it, then by all means go ahead with your plans.\u201d<\/p>\n

Jack stood to his feet and grabbed Ben\u2019s hand giving it a hearty shake.\u00a0 \u201cThanks Ben, we knew we could count on you.\u201d\u00a0 Turning to face Joe, Jack grabbed Joe\u2019s hand and repeated the handshake.<\/p>\n

\u201cThank you Little Joe.\u00a0 You\u2019ll never know what this means to us.\u00a0 It would be just too hard on Polly here to try to care for the little ones and then having them all under foot when the baby comes.\u00a0 We appreciate what you are doing, thank you so much,\u201d smiled Jack finally releasing Joe\u2019s hand.<\/p>\n

I remember the look of relief on my friend\u2019s faces when he and his wife collected their small flock of children and left that evening.\u00a0 I bid them all goodbye as they piled into the family\u2019s wagon and waved back as they pulled from the yard, the children shouting out to Joseph as they rounded the corner of the barn.<\/p>\n

When I turned back toward the house, I felt my son\u2019s eyes on me and stopped mid way to the porch and faced him.\u00a0 His doubts clearly were etched onto his handsome face and I began wondering then whether or not he was having second thoughts himself.<\/p>\n

\u201cJoseph?\u201d I remember asking, \u201cis something wrong, son?\u201d<\/p>\n

Joe had looked down just at that moment, a movement I had seen many times in his life when he wanted to avoid making eye contact with me and the action caused me more concern.<\/p>\n

\u201cNo, nothings wrong, Pa.\u201d\u00a0 Joseph had answered and then rushed ahead of me into the house.<\/p>\n

I hurried myself trying to catch up to him, I wanted him to know that if he changed his mind it would be all right, but by the time I got to the door Joe had already bolted up the stairs to his room.\u00a0 I decided not to push the issue but would wait until morning to talk to him about this undertaking he had committed himself too.<\/p>\n

By the time that my overly enthusiastic offspring managed to arrive at the breakfast table the next morning, any doubts that he might have had the night before had obviously been put to rest.\u00a0 Joseph was as excited as I\u2019m sure the three Mercer children were at the prospect of taking a stage trip to Carson City to visit with their grandparents.\u00a0 If you didn\u2019t know Joe well, you might have thought it was his own grandparents that the boy was going to go see rather than his friend\u2019s grandparents.\u00a0 But just seeing the happy smile on his face and the way his hazel eyes sparkled when he talked about the trip, somehow put my mind at ease and I found myself getting caught up in his excitement as well.<\/p>\n

\u201cNow Joseph, please remember that the children are all young, and this is the first time that the baby has been away from her folks.\u00a0 She might start crying for her mama, what are you going to do then?\u201d laughed Ben as he tried to picture his son consoling the little girl while she sobbed for her mama and papa.<\/p>\n

\u201cAnd once she starts, Johnny might join her.\u00a0 For that matter, all three might start crying, what\u2019ll you do then?\u201d\u00a0 Ben had stopped his own laughter as the thought began to stir up his own doubts once again.<\/p>\n

I could tell that Joseph was thinking long and hard about his answer before he responded to me.\u00a0 I couldn\u2019t help myself but I found myself suppressing my smile that I felt beginning to curve my lips upward.\u00a0 I sure didn\u2019t want to give my son the idea that I was laughing at him, I knew that would stir up his temper and I certainly didn\u2019t want him leaving on a trip with ill feelings between us.\u00a0 So I just kept silent, if Joe answered my question or not, I\u2019d say no more on the matter.\u00a0 He had enough on his mind to think about as it was.<\/p>\n

Joe smiled at me, I never will forget the way his eyes danced merrily as he slowly rose from the table and opened his travel bag.\u00a0 He pulled a little brown paper sack from the case and held it up for me to see.<\/p>\n

\u201cI have the answer right here.\u00a0 It\u2019s the same solution that Adam used on me and Hoss when we\u2019d cry cause you went away,\u201d beamed Joe, though I noticed that he made no endeavor to open the sack and show me the contents.<\/p>\n

\u201cWell young man, are you going to tell me what you have in there or do I have to guess?\u201d I laughed at his antics as he shoved the sack back into his valise.<\/p>\n

Giggling like the little boy he fought so hard not to be, Joe returned to the table and commenced eating.\u00a0 \u201cWhat?\u201d he had asked, his mouth full, \u201cand give away older brother\u2019s secret?\u00a0 No way Pa, you\u2019ll just have to trust me on this one.\u201d<\/p>\n

We both laughed at Joe\u2019s little secret and I didn\u2019t ask him again to share it with me.\u00a0 It was something that obviously raised pleasant memories of being a boy left in the care of his oldest brother and I didn\u2019t want to intrude on his private thoughts, so I let the subject drop.\u00a0 I didn\u2019t know it then, but I would eventually find out what was in the little sack and though by then things had gotten horribly unpleasant, I would smile to myself at my youngest son\u2019s thoughtfulness.<\/p>\n

Joe and I both turned our heads at the sound of the door opening and when Hoss entered, both of us had gotten up to greet him.\u00a0 I remember Hoss looking all worn out and dirty from his long ride from the lumber camp.<\/p>\n

\u201cHey big brother, how\u2019d everything go?\u201d asked Joe taking his older brother\u2019s hand and shaking it.<\/p>\n

\u201cHey punkin.\u00a0 Everything went fine.\u00a0 I finally got all the men back to work and everything is back on schedule.\u201d\u00a0 Hoss hung his hat on the peg and folded up his gun belt and set it on the credenza.<\/p>\n

\u201cHey Joe, why ya all dolled up like that?\u00a0 Ya goin\u2019 someplace?\u201d asked Hoss giving his brother the once over with his sparkling blue eyes that danced with amusement and smiling at the picture his little brother made in his traveling clothes.<\/p>\n

\u201cYour brother here has volunteered to accompany the three youngest Mercer children to Carson City for their parents.\u00a0 Polly\u2019s time is getting pretty close you know and Jack broke his leg and can\u2019t travel, so when they came by last night and asked for help, your over enthusiastic little brother jumped at the chance,\u201d explained Ben as he rested his arm around Joe\u2019s shoulders and smiled at his sons.<\/p>\n

\u201cNo foolin\u2019?\u00a0 And you\u2019re lettin\u2019 him?\u201d heehawed Hoss tossing his head back and laughing loudly.<\/p>\n

\u201cWhat\u2019s wrong with me takin\u2019 them?\u201d Joe demanded, his happy smile fading, as Hoss\u2019 laughter grew louder.<\/p>\n

\u201cWhat do ya know about kids?\u00a0 Ya ain\u2019t much more\u2019n one ya self,\u201d bellowed Hoss.<\/p>\n

Joe let his brother\u2019s teasing get the better of him.\u00a0 I knew it would the minute Hoss referred to Joe as a kid.<\/p>\n

\u201cI ain\u2019t no kid, and what\u2019s there to know about kids anyway?\u00a0 All I gotta do is ride on the stage with them to Carson City, drop \u2018em off at their grandparents and ride the stage home.\u00a0 Don\u2019t take much knowing to do that,\u201d Joe shouted back at Hoss as he grabbed his hat and started for the door his sudden anger apparent to both his brother and I.\u00a0 I just shook my head, when would my youngest ever learn that his two older brothers always did know how to get him riled?<\/p>\n

Hoss reached out his large hand and placed it on Joe\u2019s arm halting him from leaving.\u00a0 Joe spun around and gave his brother a dark look.\u00a0 Hoss had stopped laughing but his face still bore his smile.<\/p>\n

\u201cLooky little brother, I was just funnin\u2019 ya.\u00a0 Lighten up some, I didn\u2019t mean nuthin\u2019 by what I said.\u00a0 Listen Joe, ya have a safe trip and be careful, okay?\u201d Hoss apologized and ruffled Joe\u2019s hair causing the younger boy to moan and run his fingers through his thick dark curls.\u00a0 I noticed then that Joe needed a haircut and made a mental note to have him get it trimmed as soon as he got back home.<\/p>\n

Joe gave Hoss a little smile and slapped his hand onto Hoss\u2019 shoulder.\u00a0 \u201cI guess I\u2019m just a little jumpy Hoss.\u00a0 I\u2019m sorry I shouted at ya.\u00a0 I\u2019ll see ya when I get back, take care.\u201d<\/p>\n

Hoss pressed his lips tightly together like he always did and nodded his head up and down.\u00a0 As Joe and I walked out the door, Hoss tossed his hand up at us as we climbed into the buggy and headed to Virginia City to meet the noon stage.<\/p>\n

The noon stage had been on time that day; it was one of the rare times that it happened for usually it was late.\u00a0 I remember it well for just as the stage pulled up, Jack and Polly arrived with their children in tow.\u00a0 Ernie held tightly to Johnny\u2019s hand as they made their way to the coach that had just stopped.\u00a0 Polly was holding Victoria\u2019s hand and the little girl, dressed in a lovely shade of pink, followed along obediently beside her mother.\u00a0 The older children brought up the end of the procession and stood patiently for their turn to tell their siblings good-bye.<\/p>\n

Just as the stage came to a complete stop, the coach door swung opened and Adam hopped out.\u00a0 I recall laughing at his surprised look when his dark eyes swept his younger brother\u2019s form up and down.\u00a0 And laughed even louder at the comment he made to Joe.<\/p>\n

\u201cJoseph Cartwright, why, I didn\u2019t know you missed me so much.\u00a0 You look plum purty all dressed up to meet me.\u201d\u00a0 Adam tipped his hat at his brother and I watched as Joe\u2019s face reddened slightly in embarrassment at his brother\u2019s teasing.<\/p>\n

Joe gave Adam a crooked little smirk that almost passed for a smile and came back with a comment of his own.\u00a0 \u201cDon\u2019t flatter yourself brother, I dressed up for my favorite girl.\u201d\u00a0 Joe scooped Victoria Rose up into his arms.\u00a0 \u201cWe have a date, don\u2019t we sweetheart?\u201d he asked the child, the smile on his face now genuine.<\/p>\n

\u201cUh-huh,\u201d nodded the beautiful little girl as she slipped her arms about Joe\u2019s neck and planted a kiss on his cheek.<\/p>\n

\u201cWell, I stand corrected, obviously I am no match for such a beautiful young lady as this,\u201d said Adam as he bowed to the girl in Joe\u2019s arms and gallantly kissed the back of her tiny hand.<\/p>\n

Just about that time, an older couple accompanied by a young woman about Joseph\u2019s age, maybe a little younger, arrived at the station ready to board the stage along with Joseph and his young charges.<\/p>\n

\u201cHowdy ma\u2019am,\u201d Joe tipped his hat at the beautiful young woman and I remember the charming smile that graced his face when he turned and caught me watching him.\u00a0 That boy of mine never ceased to amaze me with that charm of his once he started to pour it on.\u00a0 By the time that Miss Katharine Monroe and her parents, Rev. Isaac and Mrs. Lucinda Monroe boarded the stage, one would have thought that they were old friends.<\/p>\n

Joe helped Ernie board the stage and then gave little Johnny a boost up.\u00a0 I never will forget my son\u2019s face when he turned to say goodbye.\u00a0 It will forever be seared into my memory for little did I know then that it would be weeks before I could look at my precious son and not see the cuts and gashes and the horrible black and blue bruises that would adorn his handsome features by the time the sun set on that fateful day.<\/p>\n

\u201cSee ya Pa,\u201d Joe had smiled and now that I think back on it, his smile seemed strained, like he might be worried or anxious and I felt an unfounded smidgeon of fear pierce my heart.<\/p>\n

I placed my hands on his shoulders to give him encouragement but was almost as surprised as he was when I automatically pulled him into a tight hug and held him for several seconds before releasing him.\u00a0 I don\u2019t know, perhaps I sensed something, something that left me feeling apprehensive about letting him go.\u00a0 Whatever it was, I tried to ignore it because it was now too late to do anything about it.\u00a0 The Mercer\u2019s were here, the tickets had been paid for, Joe was ready, the children were boarded, all except the youngest that was giving her ma and pa hugs and kisses.\u00a0 Finally, Joe held his arms out to the child; she willingly extended her own arms and once the child was safely holding on to Joe, Joseph climbed into the coach himself and placed the excited little girl on his lap.<\/p>\n

\u201cBe careful son.\u00a0 I\u2019ll see you in a couple of days,\u201d I called out.<\/p>\n

Joe stuck his head out the window of the coach, \u201cI will Pa, try not to worry. See ya Adam, you too Mr. Mercer, ma\u2019am,\u201d called Joe to the children\u2019s parents as the stage pulled away.<\/p>\n

I could barely take my eyes off his face, his eyes suddenly seemed locked with mine, too hesitant to walk away, I remained on the boardwalk and watched until the stage was out of sight.\u00a0 Try though I might, I just could not shake the uneasy feeling that gnawed at me and I wondered for just a brief second if Joseph had been feeling the same thing as I.<\/p>\n

\u201cSomething wrong Pa?\u201d inquired Adam who had been standing to the side watching me.\u00a0 Adam knew me better than anyone else; he knew I was worried about something.<\/p>\n

I sighed heavily and shook my head.\u00a0 \u201cI hope not son, I hope not.\u201d\u00a0 But I wasn\u2019t fooling my eldest son, he walked over and placed his arm around my shoulders and gave me one of his to-die-for smiles.<\/p>\n

\u201cDon\u2019t worry Pa, Joe can take care of himself.\u201d<\/p>\n

I still wonder how Adam knew it was Joe that I worried about?<\/p>\n

The coach bounced along at an even pace and though it was crowded and stuffy inside, the passengers seemed content enough.\u00a0 They laughed and talked amongst themselves, each sharing funny stories about things that had happened to all of them and then giggled sheepishly when little Johnny told of finding his parents alone in the hayloft of their barn about eight months ago.\u00a0 Joe quickly clamped his hand over the youngster\u2019s mouth, silencing him immediately before he could give away more details.\u00a0 Katharine\u2019s face turned red, her mother began fanning herself and her father stared blankly out the window for better than an hour.\u00a0 Joe\u2019s eyes met the young woman\u2019s briefly before he dropped his head and lowered his hat to shield his eyes but for some reason he could not wipe that silly grin from his face.<\/p>\n

Much later Mrs. Monroe pulled open her satchel and offered sandwiches to everyone.\u00a0 The children had fallen to sleep, their bellies full and Joe still hungry accepted the offer of the sandwich.\u00a0 Katharine nibbled at her own sandwich, in quiet but true ladylike fashion while occasionally glancing in Joe\u2019s direction.\u00a0 Joe who was not so bashful continued with his constant chatter, forgetting his manners and talking with his mouth full until a stern look from her father called it to his attention.<\/p>\n

\u201cSorry,\u201d muttered Joe, swallowing his food in one gulp.<\/p>\n

Katharine cast her brown eyes up at Joe and winked.\u00a0 Joe could tell that her father was strict and would stand for little foolishness.\u00a0 He briefly wondered at the man\u2019s stern countenance and how he could have fathered such a sweet and charming daughter, for he sure put Joe at attention just as quickly as his own father could.\u00a0 And Joe never doubted for a moment that had he been sitting in church listening to this overly stern man preach fire and brimstone, there certainly would be no dozing on his part.<\/p>\n

The long afternoon wore on and with it the passengers grew quieter.\u00a0 The heat inside the coach was becoming uncomfortable and to make matters worse, Victoria had begun to whimper.<\/p>\n

\u201cShh\u2026don\u2019t cry sweetheart, we\u2019ll stop soon and then you can get out and stretch your legs,\u201d Joe whispered to the little girl.<\/p>\n

\u201cI want my mama and I gotta go,\u201d sniffed Victoria.<\/p>\n

Joe rolled his eyes, \u2018Great,\u2019 thought Joe, \u2018just what I need. Now what am I going to do?\u2019<\/p>\n

Before Joe could utter another word, he felt the coach lurch forward.\u00a0 Turning toward the window Joe was surprised when he heard the driver scream out and watched in horror as the man jumped from the top of the coach landing hard on the rocky ground and rolling under the plummeting stage.\u00a0 Joe felt the coach plunge downward and reached out in an attempt to grab the little girl as she flew from his arms and into the laps of the Monroes.\u00a0 Joe caught a brief glimpse of the two boys as they bounce across the coach and into the floor.\u00a0 He put his arm across the front of the nearest boy and when he did, Joe lost his hold on the window frame he had been clinging to.\u00a0 The coach flipped over and struck against something hard, Joe looked up and could see daylight through the top or maybe it was the bottom, he really wasn\u2019t sure.\u00a0 Joe felt himself being tossed upside down; losing sight of the children and then his head stuck something solid.\u00a0\u00a0 The last thing that Joe heard before losing consciousness was Victoria crying out to him, \u2018Widdle Joe help me\u2019, and then the stagecoach went plunging over the side of the cliff.<\/p>\n

The stage tumbled downward breaking apart each time that it came in contact with the rocks that stood in it\u2019s way.\u00a0 The passengers were tossed over and around within the carriage until one by one they were flung out, as the heavy coach continued to break apart.<\/p>\n

Joe\u2019s body, along with the others lay scattered among the rocks, his body twisted and broken, his face battered and bruised, cuts and gashes covered his upper arms and the sides of his face where his skin scraped against the jagged edges of the surface rocks as he catapulted through the air and landed with a thud on the hard rocky ground at the base of the steep incline where he had come to rest, his life\u2019s blood seeping slowly from his many wounds onto the surface beneath him.<\/p>\n

Ben jumped to his feet and hurried to answer the door, the insistent pounding on the thick wooden structure jarring him from his nap where he had fallen asleep in his chair and bringing both Adam and Hoss running from their rooms upstairs.<\/p>\n

\u201cHold on, hold on,\u201d shouted Ben reaching for the door and yanking it opened. \u201cYes, what is it?\u201d he questioned the distraught man who stepped through the doorway and into the house.<\/p>\n

\u201cMr. Cartwright, Roy Coffee sent me to fetch ya.\u00a0 Ya better come quick, there\u2019s been an accident,\u201d the messenger said excitedly as he tried to catch his breath.<\/p>\n

Adam and Hoss hurried to their father\u2019s side.\u00a0 \u201cWhat kind of accident?\u201d Adam quizzed as he looked anxiously at his father and noted how quickly his father had turned pale.<\/p>\n

The over wrought man took a deep breath, \u201cthe stage, it went over the cliff about five miles this side of the first way station.\u201d<\/p>\n

\u201cOh dear God.\u00a0 Joseph\u2026what about Joseph\u2026and the children?\u201d demanded Ben grabbing the man by the front of his shirt in his frustration.\u00a0 \u201cWhat about my son?\u201d he shouted giving in to the fear that had plagued him all day and that had suddenly latched on to his heart squeezing it so that Ben thought it might stop beating at any moment.<\/p>\n

The man stood stunned at Ben\u2019s uncharacteristic action and fought to release Ben\u2019s hands from his shirt.\u00a0 Ben refused to relinquish his tight hold.\u00a0 \u201cI asked you about my son?\u201d\u00a0 Ben shook the man violently.\u00a0 \u201cAnswer me!\u201d<\/p>\n

\u201cPa, calm down,\u201d said Adam struggling to break his father\u2019s hold on the startled messenger.<\/p>\n

\u201cLook Mister, our little brother was on that stage.\u00a0 Ya got any idey about him?\u201d asked Hoss in a troubled but controlled voice slowly backing the man from the house as Adam worked at calming their father who still clung to the messenger\u2019s shirt.<\/p>\n

\u201cAll I know is that the ticket manager said that there was seven folks on that there stage plus the driver.\u00a0 We\u2019s found six of the passengers and the driver, all dead.\u00a0 The sheriff sent me to fetch Mr. Cartwright, he didn\u2019t say nuthin\u2019 about who the dead were or who the missin\u2019 one was.\u00a0 Now I gotta get back and help with the huntin\u2019.\u201d\u00a0 The man wrenched free of Ben\u2019s hands and was gone in an instant, leaving the three Cartwrights staring at each other with the look of dread etched onto each worried face.<\/p>\n

\u201cSaddle our horses boys, we\u2019ve got to get to your brother.\u201d<\/p>\n

As I watch Joe struggle to his feet, the heavy cast still sealed around his broken leg, I worry about what the boy is doing to himself.\u00a0 He seems not to believe or perhaps he just refuses to allow himself to believe that no one blames him for what happened.\u00a0 It was an accident, a terrible tragic accident.\u00a0 I have tried telling him that many times, but it doesn\u2019t appear to be helping him.<\/p>\n

Adam and Hoss have tried talking to him but he just brushes them off.\u00a0 I pray daily for an answer that will help him understand.\u00a0 I don\u2019t have the answer; I don\u2019t know anyone who does.\u00a0 Things happen; even good people are not immune to having bad things happen in their lives, but Joseph thinks that good people should be spared the bad and that only bad people should suffer bad things.\u00a0 I\u2019ve repeatedly tried to explain to him that when good people suffer, there\u2019s always a reason.\u00a0 I showed Joe in the bible where God plainly says that \u2018to every thing there is a season, and a time to every purpose under the heaven\u2019, I even read to him the second verse of Ecclesiastes 3 which said\u2026a time to be born, and a time to die,\u2019 but still that stubborn son of mine turned from me and walked away whispering back at me, \u2018why Pa?\u00a0 Why them and not me?\u2019\u00a0 Joe is angry with God; he, in his quest for answers, has turned into his own worst enemy.<\/p>\n

\u201cJoe?\u201d<\/p>\n

Joseph stopped, his hand resting on the handle of the door and looks back at me.\u00a0 I notice the tiny beads of water that roll from his eyes and I can\u2019t help but see the haunted look he has in them.\u00a0 I remember a time when those same green eyes danced with merriment and laughter and oh, how I long to see them as such once again.<\/p>\n

\u201cI\u2019m just going to take a walk Pa.\u00a0 I need some air,\u201d Joe said softly and slipped out the door.<\/p>\n

I have to fight the urge not to go after him, to shake some sense into him, to make him listen to me, to make him understand that one day we will all be able to stand before God and ask Him our questions and then and only then will we fully understand.\u00a0 But I can\u2019t run after him, I have to let him try to find the answer himself, to do otherwise will only prolong his grieving and what will he have learned?\u00a0 Nothing.\u00a0 He has to satisfy his own conscience, and learn how to put away his own guilt in order to bring his self-inflicted condemnation to an end.<\/p>\n

Ben and his two sons rode hard and fast but it still took them the better part of the night to arrive at the scene of the accident.\u00a0 The stage was due to stop at the way station five miles ahead of where the coach went over the cliff.<\/p>\n

The area was all lit up with torches and lanterns.\u00a0 Men were moving about down by the foot of the cliff; you could see the lights glowing against the dark sky and each man\u2019s silhouette as he searched the ground for the missing body.<\/p>\n

Ben and his sons quickly dismounted as Roy rushed to greet them.\u00a0 \u201cBen, I\u2019m glad you finally made it. We haven\u2019t\u2026.\u201d<\/p>\n

\u201cRoy\u2026Joseph\u2026have you found him?\u201d Ben\u2019s voice quivered with fear of what the sheriff\u2019s reply would be for he had not failed to notice the seven bodies that were draped with blankets and lined up in a row and his heart pounded against his ribcage in terror that under one of those gray coverlets might lie the body of his youngest son.<\/p>\n

Roy shook his head no, \u201cWe found everyone else Ben.\u00a0 They\u2026\u201d Roy choked on his own words and glanced quickly at the row of bodies.\u00a0 \u201cThey was all dead, even the little ones.\u201d\u00a0 Roy dropped his head, the sight of the children, their bodies bent and broken, the beautiful little girl covered in blood, her face barely recognizable had turned his stomach.<\/p>\n

Ben stood in shock, seven lives wiped out, gone.\u00a0 Adam pinched the bridge of his nose and glanced at his brother.\u00a0 Hoss was wiping the tears from his face and then placed his hand on Ben\u2019s shoulder to steady him self.<\/p>\n

\u201cPa, maybe Joe\u2019s holdin\u2019 on\u2026come on, let\u2019s get to lookin\u2019.\u201d\u00a0 Hoss moved to grab a couple of torches from a by-stander and handed one to Adam.<\/p>\n

Adam took the torch from Hoss\u2019 hand and glanced again at his father.\u00a0 Ben\u2019s face had taken on a pasty white color and Adam could see his father\u2019s large frame trembling in the dim light of the torch.\u00a0 Even the tiny beads of sweat that appeared on his forehead were noticeable in the soft light.<\/p>\n

\u201cPa, why don\u2019t you wait up here with Roy?\u00a0 Hoss and I will look for Joe.\u201d\u00a0 Adam rested his hand on his father\u2019s arm and looked questioningly at the sheriff.<\/p>\n

\u201cAdam\u2019s right Ben, let\u2019s you and me get some coffee, we can take our turn come mornin\u2019 if\u2019n the boys don\u2019t find him by then.\u201d\u00a0 Roy watched as Ben shook his head and then looked around for another torch.\u00a0 There was a man coming toward the fire, a bright lantern swinging from his hand.\u00a0 Ben reached out and grabbed the light from the tired man and giving a nod of this head to the sheriff, followed his two sons into the darkness of the night, the glow from the lighted torches and lantern lighting their steps as they carefully descended the side of the cliff and began to spread out to widen their search.<\/p>\n

The night seemed to drag on, the weary search party worked throughout the long hours stopping only briefly for hot coffee and a quick sandwich that was provided by the wives of the men who searched.\u00a0 By morning, the bodies had all been transported back to Virginia City with the exception of one, Joe\u2019s, whose own body was yet to be found.<\/p>\n

Adam wiped his brow and lowered himself onto the rock where he stood.\u00a0 They had searched the entire area and had found nothing, not even a sign.\u00a0 Adam glanced over his right shoulder and could see his father and brother moving around on the rocks.\u00a0 They looked as tired as he felt, he thought to himself.\u00a0 Slowly Adam untied his neck scarf and wiped his face again, this time he removed the tears that had suddenly welled up in his dark brooding eyes.\u00a0 Joe could be anywhere, lying among the rocks and boulders, under the scrub bushes, behind the scattered tree stumps.\u00a0 The terrain was deceiving, the ground dark in places, light in others and when the sun moved, the shadows changed until you found yourself searching where you had already searched.\u00a0 Adam sighed, Joe could be right in front of your eyes and still you might not see his body.\u00a0 The thought caused Adam to expel the wind from his lungs.\u00a0 Dragging his weary body to his feet, the exhausted man returned his hat to his head and began tying the scarf around his neck.\u00a0 Adam shaded his eyes as he looked upward for the sun\u2019s location.\u00a0 It was nearly noon and Adam\u2019s hopes of finding his brother alive was growing dimmer as the sun\u2019s warm rays grew brighter.<\/p>\n

\u201cPlease God\u2026help us\u2026show me which direction to look,\u201d muttered Adam softly as he stood alone on the rock.\u00a0 \u201cFor Pa, God\u2026for Pa.\u201d<\/p>\n

Adam had no more than lowered his head when his eyes caught the glimmer of something shiny not more than ten yards in front of him.\u00a0 The sun had moved ever so slightly, the shadows changing once more and there in plain sight laid the twisted body of his youngest brother.\u00a0 Adam stumbled across the terrain as he proceeded to make his way toward the place where Joe lay half hidden by the rocks and scrub.<\/p>\n

\u201cPA! HOSS! Over here, I found him,\u201d shouted Adam, kneeling down beside Joe\u2019s still form.\u00a0 Joe was covered in dirt, the angle of his leg told Adam that the leg was badly broken.\u00a0 Joe lay face down, a pool of blood beneath his battered and bruised head.\u00a0 Quickly Adam felt his brother\u2019s throat for a pulse.<\/p>\n

Ben and Hoss hurried to join Adam.\u00a0 Ben, in his haste stumbled forward as he reached his son\u2019s side and had to put forth both arms, his hands bracing his fall by landing in the middle of his older son\u2019s back.<\/p>\n

\u201cEasy Pa,\u201d cautioned Adam seeking for a pulse with his long slender fingers.<\/p>\n

\u201cIs he alive son?\u00a0 Is Joseph alive?\u201d\u00a0 Ben leaned over Adam\u2019s shoulder anxiously trying to catch a glimpse of his youngest son\u2019s face.<\/p>\n

Several men had gathered around and mumbled softly their encouragement to the Cartwrights.<\/p>\n

\u201cShh\u2026\u201d barked Adam as he slid his fingers further around the side of Joe\u2019s neck, desperately seeking a sign of life.\u00a0 Adam felt his finger become dampened and sticky by the blood that had begun to congeal on the ground and felt his empty stomach turn queasy at the sight of so much of his brother\u2019s blood.<\/p>\n

\u201cThere!\u00a0 There it is Pa.\u00a0 It\u2019s weak, but he\u2019s alive,\u201d Adam moved aside to allow his father space to kneel beside of his wounded son. Hoss grinned at Adam, the gap between his front teeth clearly showing along with a look of relief on his face.<\/p>\n

\u201cJoseph, son can you hear me?\u201d Ben gently slid his hand under Joe\u2019s head and turned it slightly.\u00a0 Joe\u2019s eyes were glued shut with the dried blood that had seeped from the ugly gash on his forehead; his face had dirt and bits of dried leaves and tiny twigs stuck in the blood as well.\u00a0 Ben tenderly brushed away what he could with his free hand.\u00a0 Joe was motionless, his breathing barely noticed, and when Ben gently moved his broken leg, Joe did not even moan or cry out so lost was he in the world of blackness.\u00a0 So far so, that his father feared he would never return to them.<\/p>\n

Ben cast worried eyes at the men who gathered and saw the concern written on their faces.\u00a0 From out of nowhere Ben was handed a blanket, then a canteen of water and a small tin cup.\u00a0 One man held up a coil of rope, another a clean cloth to squelch the blood that still dripped from the fractured leg.\u00a0 Ben smiled, his gratitude aimed at the men who had spent the last day and night helping him to find his son.\u00a0 He was unable to speak, his throat had suddenly grown thick with emotion and no one uttered a word when he dropped his head and tears slipped from his eyes and down his unshaven face.<\/p>\n

Quickly Adam stepped aside as two men came forward with a stretcher.\u00a0 Paul Martin yelled down to Ben and Hoss ordering them to put a board under Joe\u2019s body to prevent movement that might injure him further and to keep him still.\u00a0 Suddenly a board appeared, Ben never did know where it came from so quickly but they placed it on the ground and Hoss helped his father move Joe unto it and then wrap the blanket about his injured body.\u00a0 With the rope that was offered, he and his brother carefully tied Joe onto the stretcher to prevent him from sliding off on the uphill climb.<\/p>\n

When Joe was secured, four men grabbed a corner of the makeshift carrier and began the long climb up the side of the rough terrain.\u00a0 Hoss, seeing how his father staggered and stumbled, slipped his arm under Ben\u2019s and helped him climb the uneven and broken rocks until both were safely at the top.\u00a0 Adam followed along behind, giving a gentle nudge every so often in an effort to keep his father moving.\u00a0 Once at the top, Ben collapsed to the ground and lay where he fell for several minutes before pulling himself to his feet and moving to Joe\u2019s side.<\/p>\n

Paul Martin, the family\u2019s physician and long time friend was waiting at the top.\u00a0 \u201cLet\u2019s get him into the back of the wagon.\u00a0 Leave him on the stretcher, it will keep him from being tossed around so much and it will be easier to carry him inside once we get back to the ranch.\u00a0 Ben, I suggest that we take him to the Ponderosa, it\u2019s closer than going all the way into town, and he will be more comfortable in his own bed.\u00a0 Now you men, move out of here and let me check him over.\u201d\u00a0 Paul barked out his orders in military fashion snapping everyone to attention.<\/p>\n

\u201cGet these horses ready, Hoss hand me my medical bag, Adam take your father over to the fire and get some hot coffee and food into him before he becomes a patient also,\u201d ordered the doctor.<\/p>\n

Hoss handed Paul his bag, the men cleared room for the doctor to do his work and Adam took Ben by the arm and practically had to drag him from Joe\u2019s side over to the fire.\u00a0 Hoss already had a cup of hot coffee waiting and had to place it into his father\u2019s hand and lift Ben\u2019s hand with the cup in it to his mouth.\u00a0 Ben seemed to snap to his senses then and giving both his sons a small weary smile, sipped slowly at the hot brew but adamantly refused the proffered sandwich.<\/p>\n

\u201cI can\u2019t eat son, but thanks,\u201d he said to Adam, \u201cthe coffee will be enough for now.\u00a0 How\u2019s Joe?\u201d<\/p>\n

\u201cDoc\u2019s workin\u2019 on him now Pa,\u201d Hoss explained looking over his shoulder at the doctor who was in the wagon and bent over his brother\u2019s lifeless form.\u00a0 \u201cHe\u2019s in pretty bad shape, Doc don\u2019t know yet how busted up he is on the inside.\u00a0 He\u2019ll know something in a little while; try not to worry Pa.\u00a0 Joe\u2019s a tough kid, he\u2019ll pull outta this.\u201d<\/p>\n

Hoss tried to encourage his father, tried to give him something to cling too, but Hoss had his own doubts as to whether or not his baby brother was as tough as he\u2019d like to think that the boy was.\u00a0 He had been brutally tossed about inside the crowded coach then flung out among the rocks and down several yards before coming to rest face down in his own blood at the bottom of the cliff.\u00a0 Seven others had suffered the same fate and paid with their lives, would Joe end up as they had?\u00a0 Hoss stepped away from the fire and began to pray, he prayed for his brother\u2019s recovery, he prayed for the families of the deceased, especially the Mercers who had lost half of their family and he prayed for strength for himself, his father and his older brother should the worst happen.<\/p>\n

An hour later Doc Martin had made Joe as comfortable as he could under the circumstances and was ready to head back to the Ponderosa.\u00a0 The men who had spent the last several hours helping to locate all of the bodies broke away into small groups, gathered their belongings and made ready to return to their own homes.\u00a0 Adam and Hoss saddled their horses and their father\u2019s and mounted up.\u00a0 Ben climbed into the back of the wagon with the doctor and Joe while another man who had volunteered to drive the wagon for them, sat waiting for the doctor\u2019s command to move out.<\/p>\n

The tiresome ride back home wore heavily on the weary men.\u00a0 The wagon driver tried to avoid as many ruts and holes as was possible but occasionally he could not help but drive into one.\u00a0 Joe barely stirred at these times.\u00a0 The doctor told the anxious father it was due partly because of the medication that he had administered and partly because Joe had slipped so far into unconsciousness that he was unable to feel anything.\u00a0 Paul assured them that regardless of the reason it was good for the boy\u2019s sake since the journey home would be a long one.<\/p>\n

It was after dark before the procession of men arrived at the Ponderosa.\u00a0 Adam and Hoss carried Joe on his stretcher up to his room and together with the help of the doctor and their father, carefully placed Joe onto his bed.<\/p>\n

\u201cBen, I want the three of you,\u201d Paul nodded his head in Adam and Hoss\u2019 direction, \u201cto go to bed.\u201d<\/p>\n

Ben puffed out his chest and straightened his back, \u201cNo Paul, I\u2019m not leaving him.\u00a0 He might wake up and call for me.\u201d<\/p>\n

Ben staggered to the edge of the bed and dropped down to his knees beside Joe.\u00a0 Being careful not to reopen the gash on his forehead, Ben gently picked at the stray locks of hair that was stuck to Joe\u2019s face by the blood that had glued them down.\u00a0 Ben\u2019s eyes filled with tears as he studied the discoloration of his son\u2019s battered face and thought back to the day before when Joe\u2019s eyes had fairly danced with happiness and when his smile had made him look more like the boy he was so desperately wanted to outgrow, and he thought of Marie who had blessed him with such a wonderful gift in this precious boy.\u00a0 Ben lovingly caressed Joe\u2019s swollen face making no attempt to stop the tears that dripped from his chin and onto the pillow where his son\u2019s head rested.<\/p>\n

Paul rested his hand on his friend\u2019s trembling shoulder, \u201cBen, I know you want to be with him, but if you don\u2019t get some sleep, you\u2019ll end up sick yourself.\u00a0 Now I can\u2019t care properly for your son here if I have to spend all of my time running back and forth between you and him, now can I?\u201d<\/p>\n

Ben placed a kiss on Joe\u2019s brow and glanced up doubtfully at the physician knowing that what he had said was the truth for the only thing that had kept Ben moving was the fear of losing his son.\u00a0 Now that Joe had been found, Ben\u2019s fatigue was beginning to get the better of him.\u00a0 Slowly Ben rose to his feet, faced the doctor and placed both of his hands on the physician\u2019s shoulders.<\/p>\n

\u201cPromise me Paul, as my friend, that you will wake me the second he opens his eyes, or if there is any change whatsoever,\u201d Ben asked almost pleadingly.<\/p>\n

Paul gave his long time friend a smile and nodded his head.\u00a0 \u201cYou have my solemn promise on that Ben.\u00a0 If he so much as bats an eye, I\u2019ll send for you immediately.\u00a0 Now please, I have a lot to do here.\u201d<\/p>\n

Paul turned to face the other two Cartwrights who had also gathered around their brother\u2019s bed.\u00a0 \u201cThe same goes for the two of you.\u00a0 Hop Sing can stay and help me. Now get, all of you.\u201d<\/p>\n

Paul turned his back to his patient\u2019s family and began what he knew would be a time consuming job of putting Joe\u2019s broken body back together.\u00a0 As Ben and his sons filed from the sick room, Paul cast one last glance over his shoulder at them, looked into Hop Sing\u2019s almond shaped eyes and sighed deeply.\u00a0 He prayed with all of his heart that what he had to do to save the boy\u2019s young life would be enough to pull Ben\u2019s injured son from death\u2019s door and back into the world of the living.<\/p>\n

I paced back and forth in front of the fireplace, stopping briefly to warm my hands over the open flame.\u00a0 It wasn\u2019t cold, I suppose I was somewhat nervous and that was just something to do to keep my hands busy.\u00a0 I turned the minute I heard the door open.\u00a0 Joe looked beat, his movements slower than usual, what with the weight of the cast still on his leg.\u00a0 I noticed he barely looked up at me as he removed his hat and hung it up.\u00a0 He hadn\u2019t put on his gun belt but he lingered just the same in front of the credenza before he ever looked my way.\u00a0 I stood where I was, hoping that Joe would speak first, he seldom spoke at all anymore and then only when spoken too and if he was unable to avoid having to say anything.\u00a0 I couldn\u2019t stand it any longer; the silence was unbearable so I made the first move.<\/p>\n

\u201cDid you enjoy your walk son?\u201d\u00a0 I knew it was a foolish question the minute it came out of my mouth; Joe could barely hobble around here in the house, let alone actually go outside for a walk.<\/p>\n

Joe rested his weight on the crutch under his left arm and moved slowly in my direction.<\/p>\n

\u201cI went to the barn to check on Cochise,\u201d Joe mumbled his reply.<\/p>\n

I could tell by the look on his face and the redness of his swollen eyes that he had been crying.\u00a0 It was something that he did a lot lately though he doesn\u2019t suspect that I am aware of how often he does.\u00a0 He tries to hide it from his brothers and I but the three of us have heard him, sometimes very late at night when he thinks we are sleeping.\u00a0 He breaks down after having a nightmare and I can hear him sobbing.\u00a0 I\u2019ve gone to his bedside during those times but he brushes away the tears and asks to be left alone.\u00a0 I have to respect his wishes, though it is so hard for I know the boy needs my support and my comfort but he shies away from me, not wanting to let me see that he cries or not wanting to admit that he needs me to hold him. And the things I have heard him say to God turns my blood cold, in his despair he has even cursed God and once, when Joe was not aware that I stood at his opened door, I saw my son shake his fist in anger at our Lord. His question is always the same, \u2018why God, why?\u2019 and then he starts to weep again, it\u2019s heart wrenching to watch and to hear but what\u2019s worse is not being able to help him.<\/p>\n

I know that Joe is in limbo most of the time, the part of him that pushes me away screams out that he is a man, but the other part, the part of him where his tender heart weeps for the lives of others, for their pain, their grief, their loss and the other part of him that cries for himself, his own loss, his heartache, his guilt, his failure, that part is still the boy in him.\u00a0 And then there\u2019s the part of Joe that is angry at God and questions God\u2019s reasons and then turns right around and prays to that same God for mercy and guidance, that\u2019s both man and boy and that\u2019s the toughest place to be when you\u2019re nineteen and trying to figure out what happened that eight people met the same fate and only one lived to tell about it.\u00a0 I know my son feels as if the weight of the world is resting on his shoulders and his alone and I can do nothing to lighten his load other than to repeatedly assure him I am here for him when he needs to turn to me; and when he does, I\u2019ll do all in my power as his father to take what I can of his burden and place it on my own shoulders, even if it means giving up my own life for my son\u2019s.<\/p>\n

Joe walked on passed me but stopped at the foot of the stairs and looked up toward the top.\u00a0 It was a long climb with the cast holding him back.\u00a0 I would offer to help him up but I know he would only decline my offer.\u00a0 He can really be stubborn when he sets his mind to it and it seems that stubborn has become his mode in life since his world was turned upside down.<\/p>\n

\u201cAre you going to bed, son?\u201d<\/p>\n

I saw the way his shoulders slumped, the way he dropped his head and my heart broke at the defeated look on his face that I saw when he turned to look at me.\u00a0 But what really tugs at my heart are the tears I see streaming down his face.\u00a0 He is a broken man; I\u2019ve seen that look before, on men much older than my son.\u00a0 Men who had suffered personal losses, men defeated by life\u2019s trials and tribulations and men who have just given up on life, themselves, their families, and worst of all, their God.<\/p>\n

I closed the distant between us and when I rested my hand on his shoulder, I felt the tremors that passed beneath my palm.\u00a0 I was surprised that Joseph hadn\u2019t pulled away from my touch as he had in the previous days, but instead raised his tear stained face to mine, his eyes filled with water, his chin quivering and suddenly he grabbed me about my shoulders and buried his face in my chest and wept bitterly.<\/p>\n

I choked up as well and it was several moments before I could find my own voice enough to speak.\u00a0 I closed my arms about my darling son\u2019s trembling shoulders and stood there holding him as tightly as I could and allowed him to release his misery.\u00a0 I prayed that some of my own strength would flow from my body into his and give him the peace of mind that I knew his troubled heart pleaded for.<\/p>\n

I have no idea how long we stood there, Joseph and I locked in each other\u2019s embrace.\u00a0 But when I finally looked up toward the top of the stairs, Adam and Hoss were standing silently on the landing, midway of the steps.\u00a0 Funny, I never heard them come down, never caught a movement from the corner of my eye, but there they were, my two oldest boys, standing guard over their father and younger brother.\u00a0 I saw tears in Hoss\u2019 eyes, Adam I knew was fighting to control his, I could tell by the tightness of his jaw and the way he clinched his fists without even realizing he was doing it.\u00a0 They were like two brave knights out of one of Adam\u2019s books he was always reading.\u00a0 I felt then that if Joe only knew how very much his brothers wanted to help him, he could combat this self-imposed torture that he so adamantly refused to relinquish.<\/p>\n

I gently guided Joe over to the settee where he sat slowly down being careful of his leg.\u00a0 Hoss eased over and placed one of the small red pillows from the couch under his brother\u2019s foot and propped his leg on the table in front of him.\u00a0 It was then that Joe first realized that his brother\u2019s had witnessed his break down and I half expected Joseph to go off half-cocked.\u00a0 But instead he smiled up at Hoss and even turned to give Adam a smile also.\u00a0 Both looked relived that he had not exploded into anger, as was his custom of late.<\/p>\n

I sat down next to Joe, staying as close to him as he would let me.\u00a0 He still had one hand firmly on my arm holding on to me like he was afraid I might take off and leave him.\u00a0 When I leaned back in my seat, Joe glanced at me and I could tell from the look on his face that he wanted to say something.\u00a0 I figured he wanted all of us to hear what ever it might be; otherwise, he would ask his brothers to leave us alone.<\/p>\n

Several minutes passed without any of us saying a word.\u00a0 Hop Sing slipped in to join us bringing with him a tray of sandwiches and hot coffee.\u00a0 He placed it on the table in front of me and began pouring a cup for each of us.\u00a0 Hoss who was sitting on the table facing Joe, grabbed a sandwich and began eating.\u00a0 Adam stood to the side and after Hoss had helped himself, Adam also picked up a sandwich.\u00a0 Still no one said a word.<\/p>\n

Joe finally raised his head and after sweeping his eyes around at all of us, his misty eyes came to rest on mine.\u00a0 I saw him swallow as if he were trying to build courage enough to speak and I gave him the time he needed to gather his thoughts together.\u00a0 Adam had sat down on the arm of the settee and I caught a glimpse of his troubled expression over the top of Joseph\u2019s head.\u00a0 He looked about as worried as I was; I knew that Joe\u2019s older brothers had been as concerned about him as I have been.<\/p>\n

Finally Joe cleared his throat.\u00a0 \u201cPa, I had visitors a few minutes ago, when I was outside,\u201d he said solemnly.\u00a0 \u201cMr. and Mrs. Mercer stopped by.\u00a0 They had their new babies with them.\u201d\u00a0 Joe looked down at his hands and twisted them together and then glanced back up at me.<\/p>\n

\u201cDid they need to see me about anything, son?\u201d I asked though I suspected why they had stopped by.<\/p>\n

Joe shook his head, \u201cNo\u2026they came by to see me.\u201d<\/p>\n

I wasn\u2019t surprised; I had run into the Mercers the day before while in town and when they had asked about how Joe was doing, I told them the whole story.\u00a0 I guess I broke.\u00a0 I mean, I had watched my son suffer and struggle with grief and guilt for nearly two months and I suppose I just needed someone to unburden my own heart to.\u00a0 Jack and Polly had seemed genuinely concerned about my son\u2019s welfare.\u00a0 They were taken back by the idea that Joe blamed himself for the death of their children, they had had no idea that he felt as he did.\u00a0 I explained to them that I had talked to Joe about the accident but that he had it planted firmly in his own mind that the death of their three children rested solely with him.\u00a0 Polly had broken down and cried after I told her and Jack had to comfort his wife right there on the street.\u00a0 Before we parted ways, both of the Mercers had promised to come out to the ranch really soon and have a talk with Joe.\u00a0 I hadn\u2019t expected them to come so quickly, but I should have known they would have.\u00a0 Hopefully whatever they said to my son will help him to work through his problem and his guilt.<\/p>\n

The day had dawned rainy and dreary, Joe was still deep into a medicated sleep.\u00a0 Paul Martin had wanted him to sleep as much as possible, to prevent him from thrashing about too much and to give his battered body time to start healing.\u00a0 I was reluctant to leave him, even if for just a couple hours, but the Mercers were burying their three children that morning and I felt it my obligation to attend the funeral.\u00a0 Adam stayed with Joe while Hoss accompanied me to the graveside service.\u00a0 I remember that Polly looked so sad but when she saw me, I will never forget that she placed her hand on my arm and smiled.<\/p>\n

She said to me, \u201cBen, thank God Little Joe is going to be alright.\u201d\u00a0 I thought to myself, here she is, burying three of her own children and her main concern was for the welfare of mine.\u00a0 The woman is a saint if ever there were one.<\/p>\n

\u201cPolly, thank you and yes, I do thank God\u2026but you have\u2026\u201d I stopped as Polly squeezed my arm and though there were tears in her eyes she smiled up at me and for the first time I noted her face, she had a certain look about her, almost peaceful and I couldn\u2019t help but wonder.\u00a0 Then she explained.<\/p>\n

\u201cBen\u2026my beautiful babies are at peace now and in heaven with our Lord.\u00a0 Don\u2019t tell me you are sorry for that.\u00a0 Heaven is only that much more dearer to my heart, now that they are there.\u00a0 Surely you understand that, don\u2019t you?\u201d Polly asked me.<\/p>\n

I was shocked to say the least and for several moments was unable to find my voice.<\/p>\n

\u201cBen, the bible says that \u2018for where your treasure is, there will your heart be also\u2019.\u00a0 Jack and I will miss them dearly, but we have something to look forward to someday.\u00a0 We know that we will see them again.\u201d<\/p>\n

She dabbed her eyes then and I could only nod my head yes in response to her statement for my own tears had blinded my eyes and my throat was suddenly thick with emotion.\u00a0 I could not relish the idea of this woman\u2019s thinking.\u00a0 Then I briefly thought back to the sorrows in my own life, the three wives that had passed away, the love we had shared and the son\u2019s we had made together and yes, I knew that heaven held the strings to my heart and that one day it would be just as Polly had proclaimed, I would see my loved ones again and when that time came, I would be with them throughout all eternity.<\/p>\n

After the funeral was over, Roy stopped me and handed me a traveling case.\u00a0 I recognized it to be Joseph\u2019s.<\/p>\n

\u201cI found it Ben, the other day when I went back to the accident site.\u00a0 There wasn\u2019t much left of anything, but I did happen across this and thought you might want it,\u201d said Roy.<\/p>\n

I took the valise from him, thanked him and strolled over to my horse.\u00a0 I was in a hurry to get back to the ranch and to see how Joe was.\u00a0 But I couldn\u2019t stop myself; I\u2019m not sure what caused me to look inside.\u00a0 Maybe seeing Joe\u2019s personal things, touching them would somehow dislodge the fear I felt in my heart that I could still lose my son.\u00a0 He was in bad shape and Paul had said that Joe had a long recovery ahead of him.<\/p>\n

I found the little brown sack that Joe had shown me the morning I had asked him about what he would do if the children had started crying.\u00a0 It was as if my hands had a mind of their own for the next thing I knew, I was opening the little bag and I couldn\u2019t stop from smiling when I saw the contents.\u00a0 Inside were all of Joe\u2019s favorite candies, peppermint sticks, licorice sticks, no black ones because Joe didn\u2019t like those, but there were jaw breakers, gumdrops, bonbons, sour lemon balls, I couldn\u2019t tell what else he had in there, the little sack was too full.\u00a0 I closed the bag and stuck it back down in Joe\u2019s carpetbag.\u00a0 I would take it home but I would never tell Joe that I now understood why he seemed to always get a stomachache whenever I went away.\u00a0 His older brother, Adam, would fill him so full of sweets when I left that he would often get sick. I laughed at their little secret and somehow after looking into the sack, I did feel better.<\/p>\n

The next day we had a visit from Roy and he told us that late the night before, after the funeral, Polly had gone into early labor and by the time that Doc Martin had arrived, Polly had delivered one baby, a beautiful blue eyed little girl and was working hard to bring a second baby into the world.\u00a0 Minutes after Doc\u2019s arrival, Polly gave birth to a handsome if not somewhat tiny baby boy.\u00a0 Both babies and mother were doing fine Roy had said.\u00a0 Jack had asked the doctor to have someone come by to tell us and naturally Roy had volunteered for the job.\u00a0 It was his excuse to drop by and see how Joe was doing.\u00a0 I laughed and slapped my long time friend on his back and scolded him for thinking that he had to have an excuse to drop by the Ponderosa.<\/p>\n

Much, much later that evening, after Adam and Hoss had retired, I sat by Joseph\u2019s bedside watching him sleep.\u00a0 He tossed about some and occasionally moaned; I\u2019m sure the pain that must have been present was beginning to awaken his dulled senses.\u00a0 I moved closer when I saw his eyes flicker then open and I could barely make out that he was calling for me his voice was so weak.<\/p>\n

\u201cPa?\u201d<\/p>\n

\u201cI\u2019m here son,\u201d I said and then watched as he struggled with getting the words out that he wanted to say.<\/p>\n

\u201cThe kids\u2026Pa\u2026I couldn\u2019t\u2026hold them\u2026\u201d Joe had begun to weep and I frantically tried to think of something to say that would ease his misery.<\/p>\n

\u201cPa,\u201d Joe called the second time, and this time my heart climbed up into my throat.\u00a0 \u201cThe babies\u2026are they all right?\u201d<\/p>\n

\u201cShh\u2026son, try to rest, you need to be still Joe, please,\u201d I was stalling and he must have sensed it for he grabbed my arm and pulled me down to him.<\/p>\n

\u201cThey\u2019re\u2026gone, aren\u2019t\u2026they?\u201d\u00a0 Still I could not bring myself to break the heart wrenching news to him, it could destroy him and he only lingered by a thread as it was.<\/p>\n

\u201cPa\u2026please\u2026I need\u2026to know.\u201d\u00a0 Joe was begging and I knew there was no escaping what would have to be told later on.<\/p>\n

\u201cYes sweetheart\u2026\u201d<\/p>\n

\u201cAll\u2026of them?\u201d he barely mumbled.<\/p>\n

I nodded my head yes.\u00a0 \u201cWe couldn\u2019t do anything to save them.\u00a0 Everyone but you was already dead son, by the time anyone realized that the stage had gone over the side of the mountain it was just too late.\u201d\u00a0 There, I said it, I wouldn\u2019t have to repeat it later, and I could tell by the way Joe scrunched up his face that he knew what I meant.<\/p>\n

Joe pulled harder on my arm until he was almost sitting up.\u00a0 I sat down next to him and when he flung his arms about my neck, I embraced him and we both wept; Joe sobbed for the longest time and I will never forget him wailing out his anguish at God for having allowed such a thing to happen.\u00a0 My son, weak from his injuries, his body racked with fever, howled in tormented agony, \u201cWhy? Why? Oh God why?\u201d<\/p>\n

I will remember always how he begged me to hold him and how in his own physical weakness just how strong his grip was on my arm.\u00a0 I didn\u2019t know why, I couldn\u2019t answer him.\u00a0 I was finding it hard enough to understand in my own mind why seven lives had been wiped out and only one survived, my son.\u00a0 For that I had to be thankful, but even that was hard, with so many others that were suffering.\u00a0 But in my heart I knew if I had to choose who would live and who would die, I naturally would have chosen my own son to be among the living rather than the dead.\u00a0 It was selfish of me, I knew and I felt guilty for thinking it, but Joseph was my baby and I didn\u2019t want to lose him.\u00a0 I\u2019m not sure that in his present state of mind Joseph would agree with me though for I feared that in his grief he would have just as soon joined the others in death.<\/p>\n

I heard a soft noise behind me and looked up to see my two older boys standing quietly in the doorway.\u00a0 They eased themselves in and circled the bed.\u00a0 Joe still wept, so lost in his sorrow that he wasn\u2019t even aware that his brothers had joined us.<\/p>\n

Hoss sat on the opposite side of the bed and placed his large but gentle hand on his little brother\u2019s black and blue colored back and gently rubbed up and down.\u00a0 \u201cJoe, we\u2019ll get through this.\u00a0 Adam and I will help ya,\u201d Hoss said softly.<\/p>\n

Joe didn\u2019t respond to his brother\u2019s comforting words, his pain, both physical and emotional became too much for him and as he slipped back into a troubled sleep, I lowered him back against his pillows.\u00a0 He still clung to my arm and when I sat down, I gather his battered, bruised covered hand into my own and there I remained throughout the night, holding his hand.\u00a0 It seemed right that we stayed connected in that way, I was scared to let him go and to him I had become his lifeline.\u00a0 Adam and Hoss stayed with us, seemed that Joe wasn\u2019t the only one who needed support; I think that night was the longest ever for all four of us and we stayed together until the sun finally inched it\u2019s way over the mountaintop the next morning.<\/p>\n

\u201cPa,\u201d Joe sniffed his nose and wiped his eyes with his shirtsleeves, something I could never break him from doing, but he looked back up at his brothers and then at me.\u00a0 It brought me out of my thoughts and back to the present.<\/p>\n

\u201cYes son?\u201d\u00a0 I had the feeling that something within Joseph had changed from the time he had sat staring into the fire until he had gone outside and encountered the Mercers.<\/p>\n

\u201cMr. and Mrs. Mercer brought their new twins over for me to see.\u00a0 Have you seen them?\u201d Joe asked, almost shyly.<\/p>\n

I nodded my head, \u201cYes I have.\u00a0 They are beautiful babies, don\u2019t you think?\u201d<\/p>\n

It was Joe\u2019s turn to nod his head.\u00a0 Then his eyes met mine and he looked so bewildered.<\/p>\n

\u201cDid they tell you that they named the baby boy, Joseph, after me?\u201d<\/p>\n

I saw the tiniest bit of tears begin to well in his eyes when he told me that little bit of information.\u00a0 \u201cNo, I didn\u2019t know they had done that.\u00a0 But I think that was rather nice of them, wouldn\u2019t you say?\u201d<\/p>\n

Joe shrugged his shoulders and wiped away the single tear that threatened to escape.\u00a0 \u201cI asked them why, being as how I was responsible for letting their other children get killed.\u201d<\/p>\n

I quickly glanced up at his brothers, they had the same shocked look on their faces as I\u2019m sure was evident on my own.\u00a0 Before any of us could comment on Joe\u2019s statement, Joe started to rattle on and I held my hand up to silence anything that Adam or Hoss might say for Joe hadn\u2019t talked his much since before he left on the stage that day and I didn\u2019t want to squelch his need to verbalize his feelings and thoughts.<\/p>\n

\u201cKnow what they said?\u201d<\/p>\n

Joe pressed his head deeply into the back of the settee and looked over at me.\u00a0 Most of the dark bruises that had marred his good looks had nearly faded away, the scratches were gone now and the big gash that streaked across his forehead was almost completely healed.\u00a0 To me my son looked beautiful.\u00a0 I know a father should not think of his son as beautiful, but to me that\u2019s just what Joe was.\u00a0 Hoss would have called him \u2018plum purty\u2019; I just called him beautiful!<\/p>\n

\u201cWhat did they say son?\u201d<\/p>\n

\u201cThey said that they didn\u2019t hold me responsible for what happened, said it was just a terrible accident and that I should not blame myself,\u201d Joe explained and then straightened up.<\/p>\n

\u201cWell Joseph, haven\u2019t I been telling you that all along?\u201d<\/p>\n

\u201cI suppose, but just hearing them say it, makes it seem different somehow.\u00a0 I mean\u2026they asked me if I had known that the axle was going to break, would I have gone ahead and put the children on that stage.\u00a0 I told them of course not.\u00a0 Jack said then it was his fault because he had suggested the idea to Polly about sending the children to her parents and then she popped up and said it was her fault for agreeing to it.\u00a0 The next thing I knew they were arguing between themselves over whether it was his fault or hers.\u00a0 Then I held up my hand for them to stop and they looked at me and I told them it wasn\u2019t either of their faults, it was an accident, and that they had no way of knowing what was going to happen.\u201d\u00a0 Joe almost smiled at us then.<\/p>\n

I did smile, inside, where Joe couldn\u2019t see, for I knew exactly what Jack and Polly had done; they had forced Joe to see the obvious and without realizing it, Joe had admitted the truth to himself, that the deaths of the children were not his fault.<\/p>\n

\u201cI heard Jack say, \u2018that\u2019s right Little Joe, it was just an accident, and it was no one\u2019s fault, not mine, not hers,\u2019 and then he pointed at me and said, \u2018and not yours\u2019.\u201d<\/p>\n

\u201cMrs. Mercer hugged me and smiled at me.\u00a0 Then she said, \u2018Joe, it\u2019s human nature to ask why when something like this happens.\u00a0 But the bible says that \u2018to all things there is a season, a time to be born and a time to die\u2019.\u00a0 She said that she and her husband knew that one day they would see their children again, just like I would see my ma, and Adam his ma, and Hoss, his.\u00a0 She said that we have to have enough faith in God to believe that what He says is true.\u201d\u00a0 Joe stopped and swallowed, his lips drawn into a tight thin line and I saw his chin begin to quiver.\u00a0 I slipped my arm about his shoulder to give him support and he leaned his head over and laid it on my shoulder.<\/p>\n

\u201cI always believed you Pa, when you told me that if I believed hard enough, and trusted in God, that I would see my mama again someday.\u00a0 I guess I must\u2019va forgotten that for a little while.\u00a0 I\u2019m sorry Pa, I suppose I was feeling sorry for myself and I was scared, everyone died but me and maybe I was ashamed because I thought I had failed.\u00a0 I guess I thought I was incapable of handing something as simple as delivering three small children to their grandparents.\u00a0 I know now that what I should have been ashamed of was my lack of trust in God.\u00a0 Mrs. Mercer said that God gives and God takes away.\u00a0 She said that her three children had been a gift from God to her and her husband, if for only a short time and that God had the right to take them back whenever He chose.\u00a0 She said her children were \u2018on loan\u2019 I think she called it.\u00a0\u00a0 Funny, she smiled at me then and said \u2018look Joe; God gave us two special babies to fill the void in our lives.\u00a0 He knew our sorrow would be too much to bear, so he gave us two babies instead of just one.\u00a0 He kept His promise to us, He filled our need Joe, He supplied what He knew would help easy our pain\u2019.\u201d<\/p>\n

\u201cPa, she also told me that it was easy to trust in God when everything was going good but that the test of faith is only found when there are burdens to bear.\u00a0 She said that to know the greatness of God\u2019s love, we have to walk in darkness.\u00a0 I suppose she meant that what happened was a form of the darkness,\u201d Joe went on to say.<\/p>\n

\u201cPa, did ya know that because we have sorrows and trials our faith gets stronger if we believe?\u201d<\/p>\n

Joe stopped talking and became very quiet.<\/p>\n

\u201cShe\u2019s right you know Joe, on all accounts,\u201d said Adam, \u201cbut if we don\u2019t believe that we will see our loved ones again someday, then we have no hope for tomorrow or for the future.\u00a0 We would have nothing to look forward too.\u00a0 It would be a dismal thing, life with out the promise of tomorrow, no forever.\u00a0 Life would not be worth living if we turned our backs on God and lost faith in the things He tries to teach us,\u201d Adam explained to his brother.<\/p>\n

\u201cI know, but it\u2019s just hard to understand why things like this happen.\u00a0 And it\u2019s even harder when you\u2019re part of it.\u00a0 I still don\u2019t understand why God let seven people die that day and left me.\u00a0 Joe\u2019s eyes began filling with tears then and when he hung his head, I saw them slip off the end of his chin.<\/p>\n

\u201cSon, we\u2019re not supposed to know all of the answers.\u00a0 Some things we just have to except by faith.\u201d\u00a0 I hugged Joseph to me and he looked up at me.\u00a0 I noticed for the first time since the accident that he seemed more relaxed, more at peace with things.<\/p>\n

\u201cI know that now Pa.\u00a0 But I didn\u2019t before, not until I talked to the Mercers.\u00a0 I still have questions, lots of them, and maybe I\u2019ll never know why this happened, but now I understand about God\u2019s plan.\u00a0 I have to spend more time learning to trust Him and less time trying to figure Him out,\u201d said Joe.<\/p>\n

\u201cHey little brother, you never did say why they named that baby after you,\u201d commented Hoss with a slight smile on his face.<\/p>\n

I could tell that this giant of a man was pleased to see that his baby brother was finally coming to terms with what had happened to him.\u00a0 Joe still didn\u2019t have all the answers to his questions, but for now he seemed content with the ones he did have and I knew that the healing hands of time would grant him more peace and perhaps bring more answers as he grew older and gained more wisdom as to God\u2019s plans for his life.<\/p>\n

Joe smiled at his brothers and shrugged his shoulders at them.\u00a0 \u201cI ain\u2019t really sure what they meant, but Mrs. Mercer said something about the Joseph in the bible being a goodly person and well favored.\u00a0 Then she said that God must have thought I was an awfully lot like that Joseph and that\u2019s why he spared me.\u00a0 Said she wanted her new baby boy to grow up to be just like me.\u201d<\/p>\n

We couldn\u2019t help it, his brothers and I, but we burst out laughing.\u00a0 Joe stared at us like we were crazy but I knew that each of us were thinking different thoughts about what the baby, Joseph Mercer, would turn out to be like if he grew up to be just like my son and their brother.<\/p>\n

\u201cHey, what\u2019s so funny?\u201d asked Joe giving his brothers each disgusted looks that tried to hide his smile, but I saw that the twinkle had returned to his hazel eyes at last, and that he couldn\u2019t mask.<\/p>\n

I stopped laughing and watched the three of them, enjoying their brotherly banter.\u00a0\u00a0 Joe wasn\u2019t really mad, just pretending to be and I thought, what a wonderful man my son\u2019s namesake, Joseph Mercer, would make if he became half the man that my precious son, Joseph Cartwright had at last become.<\/p>\n

THE END
\nMay 2002
\n<\/strong>
\nDedicated first to Peggy, my friend in New York, and then to the survivors of 9-11 who might still be asking, \u2018why God, why?\u2019<\/em><\/p>\n

 <\/p>\n

Tags: Adam Cartwright, Angst, Ben Cartwright, Grief, Hoss Cartwright, Joe \/ Little Joe Cartwright<\/p>\n","protected":false},"excerpt":{"rendered":"

Summary: When Joe is the lone survivor of a horrific accident, he finds himself questioning a God who allows bad things to happen to good people. His faith in God, his fellowman, his family and in himself are tested in this story that I dedicated to those who have at one time or another asked, ‘Why God? Why?’<\/p>\n

Rated: G (14,675 words)<\/p>\n","protected":false},"author":9052,"featured_media":15648,"comment_status":"open","ping_status":"closed","sticky":false,"template":"template-full-width-post.php","format":"standard","meta":{"_jetpack_newsletter_access":"","_jetpack_dont_email_post_to_subs":false,"_jetpack_newsletter_tier_id":0,"_jetpack_memberships_contains_paywalled_content":false,"_jetpack_feature_clip_id":0,"_jetpack_memberships_contains_paid_content":false,"footnotes":"","jetpack_publicize_message":"","jetpack_publicize_feature_enabled":true,"jetpack_social_post_already_shared":false,"jetpack_social_options":{"image_generator_settings":{"template":"highway","default_image_id":0,"font":"","enabled":false},"version":2},"jetpack_post_was_ever_published":false},"categories":[23,1007],"tags":[],"class_list":["post-12137","post","type-post","status-publish","format-standard","has-post-thumbnail","hentry","category-drama","category-joe-cartwright","wpcat-23-id","wpcat-1007-id"],"jetpack_publicize_connections":[],"jetpack_likes_enabled":true,"jetpack_sharing_enabled":true,"jetpack_featured_media_url":"https:\/\/i0.wp.com\/bonanzabrand.info\/library\/wp-content\/uploads\/2017\/12\/Joecourage.png?fit=424%2C352&ssl=1","_links":{"self":[{"href":"https:\/\/bonanzabrand.info\/library\/index.php?rest_route=\/wp\/v2\/posts\/12137","targetHints":{"allow":["GET"]}}],"collection":[{"href":"https:\/\/bonanzabrand.info\/library\/index.php?rest_route=\/wp\/v2\/posts"}],"about":[{"href":"https:\/\/bonanzabrand.info\/library\/index.php?rest_route=\/wp\/v2\/types\/post"}],"author":[{"embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/bonanzabrand.info\/library\/index.php?rest_route=\/wp\/v2\/users\/9052"}],"replies":[{"embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/bonanzabrand.info\/library\/index.php?rest_route=%2Fwp%2Fv2%2Fcomments&post=12137"}],"version-history":[{"count":0,"href":"https:\/\/bonanzabrand.info\/library\/index.php?rest_route=\/wp\/v2\/posts\/12137\/revisions"}],"wp:featuredmedia":[{"embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/bonanzabrand.info\/library\/index.php?rest_route=\/wp\/v2\/media\/15648"}],"wp:attachment":[{"href":"https:\/\/bonanzabrand.info\/library\/index.php?rest_route=%2Fwp%2Fv2%2Fmedia&parent=12137"}],"wp:term":[{"taxonomy":"category","embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/bonanzabrand.info\/library\/index.php?rest_route=%2Fwp%2Fv2%2Fcategories&post=12137"},{"taxonomy":"post_tag","embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/bonanzabrand.info\/library\/index.php?rest_route=%2Fwp%2Fv2%2Ftags&post=12137"}],"curies":[{"name":"wp","href":"https:\/\/api.w.org\/{rel}","templated":true}]}}