{"id":12167,"date":"2005-10-01T19:16:27","date_gmt":"2005-10-01T23:16:27","guid":{"rendered":"https:\/\/bonanzabrand.info\/library\/?p=12167"},"modified":"2025-02-27T12:10:36","modified_gmt":"2025-02-27T17:10:36","slug":"how-do-you-say-goodbye-by-debbieb","status":"publish","type":"post","link":"https:\/\/bonanzabrand.info\/library\/?p=12167","title":{"rendered":"How Do You Say Goodbye (by DebbieB)"},"content":{"rendered":"

Summary:<\/strong>\u00a0For most of us, saying goodbye to someone you love is often difficult. Joe tells us in his own words how and why it was so hard for him.<\/p>\n

Rated:<\/strong>\u00a0 G\u00a0 (15,750 words)<\/p>\n

 <\/p>\n

How Do You Say Goodbye<\/strong><\/p>\n

I was only twelve years old when I saw her for the first time. I was sitting at my desk in school when she walked in with her father. I wasn\u2019t much interested in girls back then, but there was something about her that made me stare at her. I just couldn\u2019t seem to take my eyes off her\u2026but then, neither could any of the other boys in class. Even the girls seemed interested in watching her as she timidly followed her father into the building and slowly made their way up to the teacher\u2019s desk.<\/p>\n

As soon as Miss Jones had started talking to the girl\u2019s father, all the boys began whispering; some even made snide remarks about her. Miss Jones finally looked up and told everyone to be quite and to get back to work. I tried to keep my mind on what I was suppose to be doing, but I found myself watching her from beneath my thick lashes that I tried to keep lowered. She seemed a bit nervous as she stood with her father while he talked to the teacher but I noticed that every so often, she\u2019d look around at the class and then quickly look away so that no one would suspect that she was checking all of us out.<\/p>\n

After several minutes, her father bid her good-bye and walked away, leaving the girl with Miss Jones. The teacher smiled at the new student and then stood up, placing her arm around the girl\u2019s shoulder. Miss Jones cleared her throat.<\/p>\n

\u201cClass, we have a new student. I\u2019d like to introduce you to Miss Cassandra Riggs. Cassandra is from way back East, Providence, Rhode Island to be exact. She\u2019s just moved all the way across the country with her parents. They\u2019re in the process of buying the old Johnston place and turning it into ranch\u2026with lots of hard work. Why don\u2019t we all say hello to Cassandra and introduce ourselves. Mattie Stuart, let\u2019s start with you.\u201d<\/p>\n

I listened as each student told Cassandra their names, repeating them myself in my mind. The new girl smiled warmly at each pupil and then suddenly, everyone was quiet. I had my eyes fixed on the girl\u2019s face and not aware of what was going on around me, I only remember that it was a nice face. She had a nice smile too, that caused her cheeks to dimple slightly when she grinned, like she was doing now. Her eyes were large and round and almost as dark brown as my Pa\u2019s eyes\u2026I could see a hint of mischief in them; they were twinkling merrily\u2026she was looking at me.<\/p>\n

Suddenly, everyone started laughing. I was jolted from my thoughts as I looked around to see what was so funny and then I know my face must have turned three shades of red, for the entire class was gawking at me\u2026it was my turn to introduce myself and there I sat like some clown, gaping at Cassandra as if I were a love sick puppy.<\/p>\n

I swallowed hard and cleared my throat giving Seth and Mitch the evil eye cause they were sitting closest to me and laughing the loudest.<\/p>\n

\u201cMy name\u2019s Joseph\u2026ere\u2026Joe Cartwright,\u201d I babbled, feeling like a fool.<\/p>\n

Cassandra smiled broadly at me and I remember the warm glow in her eyes. Her voice, when she spoke was soft and it had a gentle ring to it, almost musical sounding.<\/p>\n

\u201cHello, Joseph\u2026ere\u2026Joe,\u201d she said.<\/p>\n

\u201cH\u2026Hi\u2026\u201d I stammered, causing the class to laugh again.<\/p>\n

I wanted to run away, but I stood my ground, determined not to let them get to me.<\/p>\n

\u201cMy friends,\u201d I remember stressing the word friends and then looking at the fellows around me, who suddenly hushed laughing. \u201cMy friends,\u201d I repeated, \u201ccall me Little Joe\u2026you can call me Little Joe, too, if\u2019n you like.\u201d<\/p>\n

\u201cWhy, thank you\u2026Little Joe,\u201d smiled Cassandra and I knew in that instant I was hooked for life. How she managed to steal my heart in that one moment, I never could figure out, not even eight years later, after we\u2019d become the very best of friends.<\/p>\n

But I knew right then that we\u2019d be friends, good friends. I didn\u2019t feel so foolish anymore and I guess Mitch and Seth must have sensed something too cause they stopped laughing and looked from Cassandra back to me.<\/p>\n

When she spoke again, the room was so silent that you could have heard a pin drop. It was too quiet and I thought for a moment that everyone would hear the loud beating of my heart as I stood up from my seat, grinning like an idiot.<\/p>\n

\u201cMy friends\u2026back East that is, called me Cassie\u2026you can call me Cassie\u2026Little Joe, if you\u2019d like to?\u201d<\/p>\n

It wasn\u2019t a question. It was more like a command and trust me I was more than willing to follow it.<\/p>\n

\u201cSure\u2026Cassie.\u201d<\/p>\n

The class erupted into a loud roar of laughter and I felt my face burning again. I glanced at Cassie but she was only rocking gently on her toes, hands clasped together smiling at me.<\/p>\n

\u201cClass\u2026please!\u201d Miss Jones had to shout to get everyone\u2019s attention. She was reduced to clapping her hands together, which finally brought the laughter under control.<\/p>\n

\u201cThat will be enough,\u201d the teacher demanded. \u201cCassandra\u2026let\u2019s see, where shall you sit\u2026\u201d Miss Jones was looking around the room, but the only vacant desk had been opposite mine and I knew from the look on the schoolteacher\u2019s face that next to me was the last place where she wished to have Cassie sit.<\/p>\n

\u201cShe can sit here,\u201d Mitch volunteered.<\/p>\n

I saw Miss Jones cringe. The vacant desk was not only opposite me, but was surrounded by all boys. On the other side was Mitch\u2019s desk, in front where Cassie had made her way to the empty desk was Seth and behind her Carl Lockland, the class bully, sat grinning.<\/p>\n

I glanced his way and saw the sneer on his ugly mug as Cassie took her seat. I was tempted to wipe the nasty grin off his face but I was already treading on thin ice where Miss Jones was concerned and I dared not risk having to stay after school again this week and set my pa into a rage, so I kept quite, hoping that Carl would leave Cassie alone.<\/p>\n

I should have known better, right off I saw Carl lean forward and whisper something in Cassie\u2019s ear. I don\u2019t know what he said, but I saw her eyes turn two shades darker as she spun around and gave the bully a wicked glare.<\/p>\n

\u201cHow dare you!\u201d she said, none to quietly.<\/p>\n

Miss Jones had been writing numbers on the board but I saw her hand freeze in mid-air. When she turned around, Cassie was facing the front looking very ladylike as she tucked her supplies into her desk just as if nothing had been going on.<\/p>\n

I pretended to be busy copying the figures down on my paper, but I saw the teacher scan the room with her sky blue eyes. I don\u2019t know why\u2026well, maybe I do, but they stopped when she got to me and I thought she never would stop glaring at me. Why, you would have thought I\u2019d done something\u2026but I hadn\u2019t\u2026at least not yet, but I knew if Carl started to pester Cassie, I\u2019d wind up having to take him down a notch or two. As I look back now, I realize at the time, I had no clue just how many times Carl and I would end up tangling or how such a smidgen of a girl would wind up having such an impact on my life. Then, all I could think about was the desire I felt growing deep inside of me for the want of just getting to know her and finding out what she was all about. From that day to this\u2026I still haven\u2019t figured it out, but I know one fact, I wouldn\u2019t have changed a thing about our relationship, and that includes the bad as well as the good.<\/p>\n

By the end of Cassie\u2019s first week at school, I had already gotten into the first of what was to be many fights with Carl. He just wouldn\u2019t leave the girl alone; he followed her around the schoolyard constantly teasing her and pulling her long blond pigtails. He even went as far as to steal the pink bows from her hair. I watched from afar for the first couple of days but by the third day, when I saw Carl grab Cassie by the arm and practically shove her against the outside wall of the building, I dropped my books and went after the big lug.<\/p>\n

It wasn\u2019t much of a fight as I recall. Carl was two years older than me, and a hell of lot bigger. He whipped my butt all over the schoolyard. He walked away with a slightly split lip while I lay on the ground moaning like I\u2019d been trampled by a herd of runaway mustangs. My face was covered in dirt and blood dripped from the gash over my right eye where Carl had hit me with his big balled up fist. That wasn\u2019t all either; I think he punched me in the gut so many times that my insides had turned to mush. I hurt from the top of my head to the tip of my toes, so much so that I wanted to cry, I almost did too, until I looked up and saw her running towards me.<\/p>\n

When she knelt down and touched my bruised face with her gentle fingers, I almost swooned. I know that sounds silly, especially for a twelve year old fellow to admit such things, but when she asked me if I was alright, her voice was like sweet music flowing from heaven downward into my ears. Hell, it was worth the beating I\u2019d taken just to see the concern in her deep brown, expressive eyes. I didn\u2019t know it at the time, but I\u2019d see that same look of concern in her eyes many more times before we were grown up enough to go our separate ways, but believe me when I tell you\u2026I didn\u2019t care, she was worth fighting the class bully over. She was everything I used to imagine my mother to be, beautiful, kind, generous as well as tender and soft-spoken and did I mention how nice she smelled?<\/p>\n

I can\u2019t remember a day that we were in school that she ever smelled anything but lovely. The scent of lavender was always in her hair and in the stylish dresses she wore. It was hard to fathom that she was the same age as I was\u2026maybe a few months older but not enough to care or count. Cassie was a petite little thing, her hair looked like golden wheat when she wore it down instead of in braids, which wasn\u2019t often enough for my liking. Her skin was smooth and milky without any flaws and her cheeks always bore a faint hint of pink, adding brilliance to her shiny and glimmering eyes that lay behind a wealth of thick lashes. Cassandra Riggs had all the makings of a budding and beautiful woman, much akin to a fine China doll so delicately chiseled where her features.<\/p>\n

When I arrived home that day, after the first fight with Carl, I won\u2019t repeat all the things my father said. But to sum it up, he wasn\u2019t happy with me. I\u2019d ruined my shirt, it was ripped and torn beyond repair and when Pa saw the cut over my eye, he had Adam ride into town to fetch back Doc Martin. For the bravery I\u2019d shown earlier to Cassie right after the fight, I cried like a baby when Doc had to take half a dozen stitches to sew up the cut. I was then given something for the pain and sent off to bed, which worried my father who in turn sat up with me half the night.<\/p>\n

The next morning, as I was getting ready for school, Pa came into my room and ordered me back to bed. It was my turned to be appalled. If I didn\u2019t show my face at school, Carl-the-class-bully would think I had turned yellow. I talked myself blue in the face, trying to convince my father why I had to go to school that day, but he\u2019d hear none of it. I was doomed and I remember feeling once more like I wanted to cry. I don\u2019t why that was, I wasn\u2019t a crybaby, but it seemed like I spent half my time crying over one thing or another that really didn\u2019t add up to a hill of beans. Anyway, back to what I was saying, I was so upset about not being allowed to go to school that day and struggling to hold back the tears that I thought for sure I\u2019d bust. Then Adam came into the room and I saw him wink at me. I was a little surprised that he took an interest in me. Adam had been gone for nearly four years\u2026back east to Boston where he\u2019d gone to college and he hadn\u2019t been home very long. So when he appeared in my doorway fighting my cause with me\u2026well, it sort of made me feel ashamed of myself for I\u2019d been a bit mad at him for the last several years, you know, for going away when I needed him to stay home with me so badly and then being gone so long, only to show up again and trying to pick up where we\u2019d left off. It took him and me awhile to readjust to one another, him being so much older and wiser than me at the time, but little by little brother Adam and I began putting the pieces back together again, so there he was right when I needed him, bargaining on my behalf.<\/p>\n

Adam began explaining to Pa why he\u2019d let me go back to school if I were his son. That made Pa angry and he starting shouting at Adam about how he wasn\u2019t my father but only my brother and that HE, Ben Cartwright, was my father and how HE thought HE knew how to raise a boy better\u2019n Adam knew cause Adam knew nothing about raising boys and HE knew everything cause HE\u2019D already raised two stubborn-headed boys without any help from him!<\/p>\n

But Adam didn\u2019t back down nor give up and in the end I went to school. I made a point that evening as soon as I got home\u2026without incidence mind you\u2026of thanking Adam for taking my side. I did all his barn chores that night and the next. By Friday though, I was in trouble again. Yep\u2026this time Carl-the-class-bully tried to force himself on Cassie and when she yelled for help, I responded to her distress cries. I couldn\u2019t stand watching him try to kiss her\u2026<\/p>\n

This time, I only got a black eye and a split lip and sent to my room\u2026restricted for the entire weekend! Pa didn\u2019t notice the small rip in my shirt, but Adam did so as soon as he could sneak away with it, he slipped down the back stairs and asked Hop Sing in private if he\u2019d sew it up for me without mentioning it to Pa. Hop Sing did, but it cost me two nights of washing dishes to keep him quite about it! Pa never did find out about the torn shirt.<\/p>\n

My life after Cassie came to school, as the new girl didn\u2019t improve to any degree worth mentioning. I found rather to my disgust that I was to suffer many more indignities before Carl-the-class-bully finally graduated and left school for good. That day seemed like it would never arrive, at least to me. It was only early fall and Carl\u2019s graduation wasn\u2019t until spring\u2026that was months away and it seemed like an entire lifetime to me and I\u2019m sure Cassie as well. I kept telling myself that things would improve once the bully was gone, little did I know at that time that things between Carl and I and Cassie would not change for several years yet.<\/p>\n

I suppose by the time I got to school that morning and saw Cassie with her head together with several other girls I somehow knew that this day would be different from all the rest although by the end of it, I\u2019d find myself wishing it hadn\u2019t been. I\u2019d have gladly taken another pounding by the class bully than to learn the secret that Cassie was right then sharing with her girlfriends. I remember that particular day as if it were yesterday; it was the day that Cassie dropped the bombshell and changed my life forever.
\nThe morning had started off just right, everything was in perfect accord and I felt like a new man. That new-man feeling might have been caused from all the rest I\u2019d gotten that week-end, being restricted for the entire time, to my room mind you\u2026didn\u2019t give a growing lad much chance to do anything else but rest. I remember lying on my bed reading a lot or just staring up at the ceiling wondering why I put myself through such agony, I should have learned over the last couple of years since Cassie\u2019s been here that nothing concerning Carl would ever change. From the very first day, he deemed it his right to harass and pester the poor girl. Now, there we were at the ripe old age of fourteen\u2026 and nothing had been settled.<\/p>\n

I knew of the upcoming barn dance but wasn\u2019t sure just who I might ask to go. The friendship I had with Cassie was special but it had turned out to more akin to a brother and sister type relationship. She felt as I did about that so I knew it wasn\u2019t likely that we\u2019d be going to the dance together. We were both too young to really date but even if we\u2019d been old enough I\u2019m not sure I\u2019d ask Cassie. But this dance was different, it wasn\u2019t just for us kids, everyone in town would be going; Adam and Hoss already had dates, why even Pa was going, though he hadn\u2019t asked any of his lady friends. He must have figured if he asked one, the others would have their feelings hurt and knowing my pa as I do, I\u2019m sure Pa didn\u2019t want any of the ladies to harbor hurt feelings on his account. He told me when I asked him which one he was taking that he wasn\u2019t taking anyone, that he much preferred to go alone and enjoy the company of all the ladies and dance with each one of them. Secretly, I think Pa was afraid to ask one of the single ladies\u2026it was common knowledge that Pa would have been good catch for a husband if he could be caught, but Pa was careful about such things. He admitted that he\u2019d allowed himself to be caught three times and that was enough for any man. But none of that helped me out; I was still without my own little gal to dance with.<\/p>\n

I know Sarah Hamilton, the banker\u2019s daughter was a real knock out and I\u2019d given serious thought about asking her to be my partner for the upcoming event. My only problem was that my Pa told me I couldn\u2019t go if I got into a single fight this week\u2026I felt doomed. How on earth could I go a whole week without getting into a fight with Carl-the-class-bully? So I was sorta stuck between a rock and hard place\u2026do I ask Sarah or not. If I do and I end up in a rumble with Carl, I couldn\u2019t take her and then she\u2019d be mad at me and probably never speak to me again. On the other hand, if I didn\u2019t ask her\u2026waiting of course until Friday to assure myself that I would be going to the dance\u2026someone else might ask her in the meantime and then I\u2019d be left with nobody to take to the dance. I\u2019d wind up the only boy there without a partner and I sure didn\u2019t want that to happen.<\/p>\n

I was still giving it some deep thought as I crossed the schoolyard. My mind wasn\u2019t on what I was doing or where I was going and I wasn\u2019t aware that I was walking into the path of\u2026guess who.<\/p>\n

\u201cHey Cartwright!\u201d<\/p>\n

I was stopped in my tracks by the moving wall. Over the last couple of years, Carl had taken a growing spurt and now towered over me. His massive frame swallowed up my much smaller, slimmer frame until I looked more like his shadow than his shadow did.<\/p>\n

\u201cSorry, I didn\u2019t see you,\u201d I muttered, only half-heartedly making my excuses.<\/p>\n

I started around the bully, but he stopped me by grabbing my upper bicep. His long, strong fingers tightened about my arm, surprising me with their strength. I felt myself draw up but I refused to cry out, even though it hurt like hell and I knew I\u2019d be sporting more bruises when he finally chose to let go.<\/p>\n

\u201cWhy don\u2019t ya watch where you\u2019re goin\u2019?\u201d he shouted into my face.<\/p>\n

I remember swallowing hard and I suppose the pain he was causing in my arm must have showed in my eyes cause Carl laughed.<\/p>\n

\u201cI said I was sorry,\u201d I said with gritted teeth.<\/p>\n

I wrenched my arm free. I was surprised that the big ape didn\u2019t take a swing at me, but for whatever reasons he chose not too, I was glad. It was only Monday and I remember thinking, I can\u2019t go home today with another note from Miss Jones telling Pa I\u2019d been fighting again!<\/p>\n

Carl moved away as I stood rubbing my bicep. I was only keenly aware that Seth and Mitch, my two best friends, came and stood on either side of me.<\/p>\n

\u201cAre ya ever goin\u2019 to be able to whip his butt, Joe?\u201d Seth asked.<\/p>\n

\u201cI don\u2019t know,\u201d I recall saying. \u201cProbably when he does something so horrid that it makes me pr\u00eat-near angry enough to kill the bastard.\u201d<\/p>\n

I walked away, leaving my friends standing with their mouths opened.<\/p>\n

For the entire morning, I tried to ignore Carl; he was pushing me I knew. He was constantly doing little things to Cassie. I watched him finger her long curls while he was supposed to be doing his class work. I felt like gagging when I saw him lean way forward in his seat and sniff her hair, especially when he looked up and saw me watching him. He smiled at me\u2026it was almost a nice smile\u2026one that I\u2019d never seen him do before, but then he realized whom he was smiling at and then made a face at me. Damn, I hated that guy\u2026<\/p>\n

I knew what he was thinking\u2026and I\u2019d like to take him on just for thinking about it. I knew what Cassie\u2019s hair smelt like; I\u2019d gotten a whiff of it plenty of times. It almost drove me wild at times. She was so pretty, just about the prettiest girl around and what made her so special was that she had the personality to go with the looks. She was sweet and soft spoken, not loud and goofy like most of the girls. Cassie never put on airs either, she was the same everyday\u2026to everybody, even Carl-the-class-bully.<\/p>\n

By lunch break I\u2019d work myself into a stupor. I\u2019d grown weary of watching how Carl was acting. I knew if I didn\u2019t get out of there soon, I\u2019d find myself in heaps of trouble because I was just about ready to lean over and bunch him in the face!<\/p>\n

As soon as Miss Jones excused the class, I grabbed my lunch bag and raced outside where I found a shady spot under the old oak tree. I watched as the others filed out of the building and soon several other boys, who immediately started talking about who they were going to ask to the dance, joined me. I heard Sarah Hamilton\u2019s name mentioned in the same breath that Cassie\u2019s name was brought up. Looked to me as if half the fellows old enough to take a girl to the dance had plans on asking either Sarah or Cassie.<\/p>\n

I glanced toward the small gathering of girls who were bunched together on the opposite side of the schoolyard. Cassie was sitting on a log next to Sarah. They made a pretty picture, the two of them, what with Cassie\u2019s golden curls blowing gently in the breeze and Sarah\u2019s long black hair being mused by the same breeze. I watched a minute more and decided then that I\u2019d better ask Sarah to the dance before someone beat me to it.<\/p>\n

I tossed the remainder of my sandwich into the sack and started across the yard. Just as I neared the two girls, Carl Lockland appeared from behind some trees. He\u2019d seen me coming, wasn\u2019t that my luck?<\/p>\n

I figured Carl would stand in my way, but he turned to Cassie, who by that time had stood up. I didn\u2019t know what Carl said to her, but she smiled at him. It was the first time, that I\u2019d ever seen her do that, and to be honest, I was stunned. What shocked me even more was when he turned to go, Cassie put her hand on Carl\u2019s arm and walked away with him. I couldn\u2019t believe what I was seeing\u2026Cassie had the strangest look on her face. Minutes ticked by. I was unable to move from the spot where I stood. I think my feet must have taken root.<\/p>\n

Behind me, some more for the fellows walked toward the girls who where giggling and whispering. I knew that the guys were talking to the girls, but it never registered with me what was being said. Minutes later, Miss Jones rang the bell, signaling that lunch was over. Most the kids headed back toward the schoolhouse, but I just stood there, watching Cassie and Carl slowly make their way back.<\/p>\n

It was only when they walked passed me, never noticing me because they were too busy whispering to one another that I realized that I was the last one standing there\u2026alone. Everyone else had gone inside. I suddenly felt sick inside, I don\u2019t remember why, but I did.<\/p>\n

The teacher was about to shut the door so I shook my head to clear the jumbled thoughts and took off running. I barely made it in time before Miss Jones shut me out of class. I slipped into my seat, glanced at Cassie, noting the happy sparkle to her eyes and the faint touch of pink to her cheeks.<\/p>\n

When I stole a quick look back at Carl, he gave me a \u2018go to hell\u2019 look and shook his fist at me.<\/p>\n

\u201cShe\u2019s goin\u2019 with me!\u201d<\/p>\n

I wasn\u2019t sure what he meant by that, but before I could give it much thought, I was called upon to go to the board and work a math problem for the class. I stumbled forward in a daze but I somehow managed to get the problem worked and even surprised myself at getting it right. I guess all that extra time I had studying finally paid off.<\/p>\n

It was during the next break that day that I was finally able to approach Sarah and ask her to the dance. Boy, was I surprised to hear that she\u2019d already agreed to go to the dance with Seth Pruett, one of my best friends.<\/p>\n

I was disappointed to say the least, now I\u2019d be the only one without a partner for the dance. I glanced around at the girls\u2026there was no one else I wanted to ask\u2026except maybe Cassie. Yeah\u2026I\u2019ll ask Cassie, she\u2019ll go with me\u2026or so I thought.<\/p>\n

I waited until I could catch her alone and then went up to her. I remember how sweetly she smiled at me, and the merry ring to her voice.<\/p>\n

\u201cHi, Little Joe.\u201d<\/p>\n

\u201cHi, Cassie\u2026say, I wanted to ask you something\u2026\u201d<\/p>\n

\u201cWhat?\u201d<\/p>\n

I remember feeling a bit tongue-tied. That had never happened to me before when I was with Cassie. I looked into her eyes as she waited for me to ask my question. The breeze lifted the scent of lavender from her hair and sent it floating through the air, straight to my nose. My senses were reeling and for the life of me, I couldn\u2019t figure out what in the world was wrong with me.<\/p>\n

\u201cLittle Joe\u2026\u201d<\/p>\n

\u201cHeh?\u201d<\/p>\n

Cassie laughed, it was soft and seemed to be suspended in the air.<\/p>\n

\u201cYou wanted to ask me something?\u201d<\/p>\n

\u201cWhat\u2026oh, yeah\u2026I was wondering\u2026would you\u2026hmm\u2026go\u2026to the\u2026barn dance\u2026with me?\u201d<\/p>\n

There, I\u2019d finally managed to get the words out. Whew, I felt better\u2026but it didn\u2019t last long. Cassie\u2019s smiled faded and she suddenly looked a bit pale\u2026and I remember thinking that she might faint. Surely I didn\u2019t have that affect on her\u2026I mean, I knew I wasn\u2019t bad to look at\u2026and I was nice\u2026most of the time, but I\u2019d never had a girl faint just because I\u2019d asked her to an old barn dance.<\/p>\n

\u201cOh Joe\u2026\u201d<\/p>\n

It was the first time she\u2019d ever said my name without adding my nickname to it. I recall studying her beautiful face.<\/p>\n

\u201cWhat?\u201d<\/p>\n

\u201cI\u2019m\u2026sorry\u2026but\u2026I\u2026can\u2019t\u2026go\u2026with\u2026you.\u201d<\/p>\n

Why was she stammering? Can\u2019t go with me\u2026hey wait a minute\u2026just a second ago she was practically overcome with\u2026<\/p>\n

\u201cWhy not?\u201d I blurted out.<\/p>\n

\u201cBecause I\u2019ve already accepted another invite\u2026\u201d<\/p>\n

\u201cWhat?\u201d<\/p>\n

I couldn\u2019t believe my ears\u2026when had a boy asked her\u2026more so\u2026WHO had asked her?<\/p>\n

\u201cCassie\u2026who\u2026asked you to the dance?\u201d<\/p>\n

It seemed like a lifetime before she looked up at me. For a moment I thought she was going to start crying. She fiddled with the handkerchief she held in her hands. I watched her swallow and struggle to find the words to tell me who had asked her to the upcoming dance.<\/p>\n

\u201cCassie!\u201d<\/p>\n

I almost shouted her name. I realized how loud I\u2019d gotten so I took a deep breath to calm myself and then looked around the yard. Everybody was busy doing other things except\u2026Carl\u2026and he was headed straight toward us.<\/p>\n

It hit me like a rock; I knew then who had asked Cassie to the dance before she ever told me. I spun around and stared in shock at her. She stood up but still didn\u2019t say anything; I think she was afraid to tell me.<\/p>\n

\u201cCassie,\u201d I said her name softly, it almost slipped off the end of my tongue. \u201cTell me it wasn\u2019t who I think it was,\u201d I almost pleaded.<\/p>\n

\u201cI\u2019m sorry, Little Joe\u2026but\u2026Carl asked me first\u2026\u201d<\/p>\n

I was beyond myself. After all the beatings I\u2019d taken from Carl for trying to defend her\u2026Cassie up and agreed to go to the first dance held since she came to Virginia City with none other than Carl Lockland, the class bully. I felt like a broken man. I could say nothing more.<\/p>\n

When Carl got to us, I suddenly didn\u2019t care if I ever got to go to another dance, I didn\u2019t care if I ever got out of my room\u2026I doubled up my fist and spun around, hitting Carl square on the jaw. He staggered backwards tripping over the log that Cassie had been sitting on earlier.<\/p>\n

I\u2019m not sure what happened after that, but I remember being carried into the shade just seconds before I passed out. When I awoke, I remembered my head was pounding something fierce and my father\u2019s angry, dark eyes glaring down into my face.<\/p>\n

\u201cPa?\u201d<\/p>\n

\u201cHow are you feeling, Joseph?\u201d<\/p>\n

Pa\u2019s voice was filled with concern but I knew beneath the surface lay an anger that was about to bubble over. I was going to be the recipient of that anger, and inside my aching gut, I felt my stomach tremble. I need only look into Pa\u2019s eyes to know just how much trouble I was in.<\/p>\n

\u201cI\u2019m alright,\u201d I muttered as I tried to get to my feet.<\/p>\n

Pa helped me to my feet, though I swayed a bit. He wrapped his arm about my shoulder and let me lean against him. When I looked up, the first face I saw was Cassie\u2019s. She\u2019d been crying cause I saw the streaks down her face and her eyes were slightly red. Carl stood beside her, his arm about her shoulders. My stomach began doing flips.<\/p>\n

\u201cI\u2019m sorry, Cassie\u2026\u201d I heard my voice but wasn\u2019t consciously aware of what I was saying.<\/p>\n

\u201cOh\u2026Little Joe\u2026how could you!\u201d she dared me.<\/p>\n

I felt like crying. The look on her face was so pitiful. She turned without saying another word to me and ran off. I felt my tears sting my eyes. Carl glared at me but didn\u2019t dare utter a word, not with my pa and my brothers standing there next to me. He left me there with them to face my fate and took off running after Cassie. I watched, knowing that the tears were rolling silently down my cheeks. She stopped when Carl called her name and I must have groaned when she took his hand and they walked away together cause Pa\u2019s arm about my shoulder tightened somewhat.<\/p>\n

I looked up at him. Most of the anger had dissipated but I knew I wasn\u2019t out of the woods yet. I was thankful he didn\u2019t say anything, I felt like such a jerk\u2026and he must have sensed it cause he pulled me closer to him and led me over to the horses.<\/p>\n

Miss Jones was talking to Adam, who was backing up and still trying to be polite. Hoss had walked with Doc Martin to his buggy so that left me alone with Pa.<\/p>\n

\u201cThink you can ride, son?\u201d<\/p>\n

\u201cI\u2026\u201d<\/p>\n

\u201cNever mind,\u201d Pa said as he turned toward his horse. \u201cYou ride up front with me, that way you can lean back and rest your head.\u201d<\/p>\n

Before I could protest, I was hoisted up into Pa\u2019s wide leather saddle. He mounted up behind me and seconds later, I was on my head home. I was glad that Pa let me ride with him, cause every part of my body where Carl had hit me, hurt something fierce. I know I moaned several times without meaning to and I did finally end up with my head resting against Pa\u2019s broad chest. By the time we got home, I\u2019d fallen asleep and never really knew when Pa lifted me down and carried me inside and laid me on my bed. It was pitch dark when I woke up. I was surprised to find myself dressed in my nightshirt and tucked safely under the covers. I glanced around the room, glad that I was alone.<\/p>\n

I pressed my head against the pillow and shut my eyes, trying hard to wipe the image of Cassie\u2019s unhappy expression from my mind. Suddenly I felt my chest swell with tightness and although I tried hard not too, I started to cry and once I did, I couldn\u2019t stop.<\/p>\n

For two years nearly I had been fighting the beast. I\u2019d taken more lickings and more poundings than any other fellow around. My face sported more bruises and black eyes than half the town\u2019s men on a drunken Saturday night. And for what\u2026just so Cassandra Riggs could go to her very first dance with the bully. I was sickened by the thought. I was appalled. I was hurt\u2026disappointed\u2026it was then that I suddenly realized what was happening. I was\u2026jealous!!<\/p>\n

I couldn\u2019t believe this. I had wanted to ask Sarah to the dance, not Cassie. Cassie was\u2026like a sister to me\u2026so why was I feeling so\u2026foolish\u2026so\u2026used?<\/p>\n

The next afternoon, Pa made me stay home from school on Tuesday\u2026he said I\u2019d taken too hard of a beating this time and was too sore to ride all the way into town for school, so he kept me home. We had a long talk that afternoon out on the side porch. Hoss and Adam had suddenly found that they had some fencing to mend down in the south pasture but I think Pa really hinted to them that he wanted to talk to me alone, so they left.<\/p>\n

I tried to explain to my father about how I felt towards Carl Lockland but he just confirmed what I\u2019d been feeling and that was to tell me that I was acting out of jealously towards Carl and that in all probability, Carl was sweet on Cassie\u2026<\/p>\n

I remember jumping up and stomping my foot, which almost made Pa laugh but he didn\u2019t cause he remembered right then that this was suppose to be a serious conversation.<\/p>\n

\u201cJoseph, sit back down!\u201d<\/p>\n

I did, but I wasn\u2019t happy about it. The idea that Carl might be sweet on Cassie was about the most ridiculous thing I had ever heard my father say and I told him so, which didn\u2019t set to well with him, mind you!<\/p>\n

By the end of our little talk, I\u2019d promised Pa that no matter what Carl said or did from then one, I wouldn\u2019t fight with him. I thought it was pretty silly having to make such a promise cause I knew deep down inside that Carl and I weren\u2019t finished yet. But I was so mad at Cassie\u2026perhaps I didn\u2019t really realize I was until the next day when I saw her walking into class with her arm laced through Carl\u2019s. She smiled at me but I turned my head so I wouldn\u2019t have to look at either of them. I heard Carl snicker and that sent my temper to rising but I didn\u2019t say anything\u2026nor did I do anything. By Friday, I hadn\u2019t even spoken the first word to Cassie, even though she tried to talk to me I just ignored her. I told myself that it didn\u2019t matter, not anymore, if she wanted to go to the dang dance with Carl Lockland, the class bully, then so be it, I could care less.<\/p>\n

But I knew I did care. I wasn\u2019t in love with her\u2026or at least that\u2019s what I told myself. In fact, I said it so often to myself that by the time I was sitting alone on the front porch watching my family ride off into the night heading for the barn dance in town, I believed it to be true.<\/p>\n

I spent some time in the barn talking to my horse and cleaning up the tact room a bit. Pa hadn\u2019t asked me to do it, but I was bored and my thoughts kept slipping back to Cassie and the dance. I wondered if she were having a good time. In my mind, I could see her dancing with the big lug and each time I saw the mental picture, my stomach would start to churn and I\u2019d start feeling sick.<\/p>\n

At one point I got so mad cause I couldn\u2019t get the image of them out of my mind that I picked up a bucket and threw it across the barn. It banged against the wall, scaring the horses that were stabled inside and I had to hurry to calm them down. I was so busy with the horses that I failed to hear her come in until I turned around and saw her standing there.<\/p>\n

\u201cHi, Little Joe.\u201d<\/p>\n

I was almost speechless; she was like a vision standing in the opened doorway with the moonlight gently caressing her golden hair. I didn\u2019t know it then, but it would be one of my favorite memories of her that would come back to haunt me years later.<\/p>\n

I wanted to run to her, to\u2026I\u2019m not sure what I wanted to do, but I forced myself not to do anything except to turn my back on her. I went about my business, ignoring her. What I was really doing was trying to hide both the hurt she caused me, and the joy I was suddenly feeling at seeing her here with me\u2026without Carl-the-class-bully.<\/p>\n

Without realizing what I was doing and with no thought what I was saying, I spun around and glared at her.<\/p>\n

\u201cWhere\u2019s your lover-boy?\u201d I snapped at her.<\/p>\n

Even in the soft light burning within the barn, I saw her flinch. I even noticed the tiny tears that welled up in her eyes, but right at the moment, I didn\u2019t care.<\/p>\n

\u201cWell\u2026why aren\u2019t you at the dance with him?\u201d I growled.<\/p>\n

Cassie lowered her head and I heard her sniffling. My anger abated some and I took a step closer. I suddenly felt like a cad\u2026I was making Cassie cry!<\/p>\n

\u201cCassie?\u201d<\/p>\n

She raised her head a bit and it was then that I saw the hurt shining in her eyes\u2026there was something else too, but I wasn\u2019t old enough or experienced enough to see it for what it was. Cassie was feeling like a fool\u2026<\/p>\n

\u201cWhat did Carl do\u2026\u201d<\/p>\n

\u201cHe stood me up\u2026\u201d<\/p>\n

\u201cThe bastard\u2026\u201d I muttered under my breath. \u201cWhat happened?\u201d I asked, taking her hand and leading her over to a bale of hay and gently forcing her to sit down.<\/p>\n

\u201cI should have known better, Little Joe. He was just funning with my emotions\u2026I don\u2019t think he really had any intentions of taking me to the dance,\u201d she explained with a touch of remorse in her voice.<\/p>\n

\u201cThen why did you ever tell him you would go with him?\u201d<\/p>\n

I couldn\u2019t understand why a girl like Cassie would ever want to go anywhere with a jerk like Carl.<\/p>\n

\u201cI don\u2019t know, Joe\u2026\u201d<\/p>\n

I sat down next to her; my head was low as I tried to figure out her actions, which of course I couldn\u2019t not if she didn\u2019t know the why\u2019s of it herself.<\/p>\n

I remember she turned and looked at me. Tears were streaming down her cheeks and why I did what I did right then I\u2019ll never understand. But I used my fingers and brushed the tears from her face and then I leaned over and gently placed my lips against hers.<\/p>\n

Cassie didn\u2019t move. She didn\u2019t react either. We just sat there for a fraction of a second with my lips pressed against hers. It was not really a kiss\u2026or not like what I thought a first kiss might be like. I was disappointed in a way, I guess I expected something different than what I got\u2026which was really nothing.<\/p>\n

When I raised my head and looked into her eyes, the tears had stopped and she was smiling at me. I must have smiled back\u2026why, I don\u2019t know.<\/p>\n

\u201cThat was nice, Little Joe,\u201d Cassie whispered to me.<\/p>\n

I was shocked; I hadn\u2019t thought it was so nice.<\/p>\n

\u201cReally?\u201d I remember asking.<\/p>\n

\u201cSure,\u201d she smiled.<\/p>\n

\u201cOh.\u201d I know it was a dumb thing to say. Cassie must have thought so too cause we both started laughing. We laughed so hard for several moments that both of us had fresh tears in our eyes before we finally could get ourselves under control.<\/p>\n

\u201cSay, Cassie\u2026do you still want to go to that dance?\u201d<\/p>\n

\u201cSure I do\u2026but I thought you weren\u2019t allowed? What about your father\u2026won\u2019t he be furious?\u201d<\/p>\n

\u201cYeah\u2026but I\u2019m willing to risk it if you are,\u201d I told her. \u201cBesides, it will be worth it, just to see Carl\u2019s face when you walk in on MY arm instead of his.\u201d<\/p>\n

So, that\u2019s what we did. I saddled my horse and Cassie and I rode off into the night.<\/p>\n

The first person I saw when Cassie and I walked into the barn was my father. He turned around about the same time as we entered and\u2026I shall never forget the look on his face. It bordered on shock and anger mixed altogether. I remember seeing him glance over at Adam who looked about as surprised as Pa, but what really got me, was the look on Carl Lockland\u2019s face when he saw Cassie and I walk into the center of the ring and start dancing together.<\/p>\n

I think everybody in the barn were holding their breath a minute later when Carl strolled over to the two of us and grabbed my arm from around Cassie\u2019s waist and spun me around so that we were facing one another.<\/p>\n

\u201cJust what the blazes do you think you\u2019re doing, Cartwright\u2026dancing with my girl?\u201d Carl shouted.<\/p>\n

\u201cShe isn\u2019t your girl!\u201d I shouted back. \u201cAt least not any more\u2026she\u2019s\u2026mine!\u201d<\/p>\n

I remember, right before Carl put his massive fist into my face and causing me more pain than ever before, glancing at Cassie, hoping that she\u2019d confirm my statement.<\/p>\n

\u201cThat\u2019s right, Carl!\u201d<\/p>\n

That was all I remember her saying, which was enough for the time being. From that second on, Carl and I tangled like two wild cats over a recent kill. I think I might have gotten in a punch or two and I might have finally whipped Carl\u2019s butt that time had my father and brothers not stepped in and pulled us apart.<\/p>\n

I remember Pa holding me back so I couldn\u2019t hit Carl again which caused me to struggle that much more. But when I heard his deep blaring voice shouting at me through the fog that had unexpectedly clouded my head, I stopped struggling.<\/p>\n

I hurt everywhere. I felt my body go weak all over and I just remember sagging, almost falling to the floor before Pa caught me up in his arms and carried me off. When I woke up, I was lying on a cot in the doctor\u2019s office. Pa was there, standing over me, looking worried once more. Cassie and my brothers were there too and I recall seeing the uncertainty in all their eyes and their expressions.<\/p>\n

\u201cI thought I ordered you to stay home?\u201d growled Pa in a loud voice.<\/p>\n

I must have made a painful expression cause his tone softened some.<\/p>\n

\u201cAre you alright, son?\u201d<\/p>\n

\u201cI\u2019m sorry, Pa\u2026honest,\u201d I muttered.<\/p>\n

I felt like crying, but with Cassie standing right there, I knew I couldn\u2019t.<\/p>\n

\u201cBut he stood her up\u2026I couldn\u2019t let him get away with making a fool out of her\u2026or me either for that matter,\u201d I tried to explain.<\/p>\n

I saw something of a grin spread across my father\u2019s face but he didn\u2019t say anything else except three little words that told me without him having to say it aloud, that he understood.<\/p>\n

\u201cI suppose not.\u201d
\nThings were different after that. Carl graduated from school and for the next year we didn\u2019t get into to many more fights. I was growing by leaps and pounds according to Pa, but I still was never able to get the best of old Carl. He did still find little ways to torment Cassie and I but I took my punches like a man and we went about our business as best we could. We weren\u2019t really what some would call sweethearts, but we were the best of friends. We\u2019d do just about everything together\u2026we even went to a few more dances but we\u2019d end up dancing with different ones. All the young men were beginning to see just what a good looker Cassie was blossoming into and I couldn\u2019t help but notice some of the girls that I\u2019d known for years were blossoming too. It wasn\u2019t for another two years that I\u2019d see Cassie for the beautiful young woman she\u2019d later become and learn of her appeal to a certain long-term jerk who suddenly, once again took a strong liking to Cassandra Riggs.
\nWe were both eighteen by then and had pretty much gone our separate ways. Cassie was helping her aunt in the dress shop that she had opened up the year before, after coming to settle in Virginia City at the insistence of Cassie\u2019s mother. I was working hard everyday on the ranch with my father and brothers. So we didn\u2019t get to see one another very often, but we hadn\u2019t lost touch completely either.<\/p>\n

I knew Cassie was dating off and on when she had free time, but I wasn\u2019t aware of whom she was seeing. By that time, I was seeing different girls myself, Cassie and I having come to terms with the fact that we didn\u2019t mean anything more to one another than being very special friends and about as close to being brother and sister than what either of us would ever have. We liked our relationship and it continued to grow as the years slipped by so I was totally taken off guard by her news when Cassie stopped by the ranch late one afternoon to pay me a visit.<\/p>\n

\u201cCassie!\u201d I greeted her with a big smile. It had been weeks since I\u2019d seen her and as always, I was pleased when she found time to pay me a visit.<\/p>\n

\u201cHi Joe,\u201d she returned the smile.<\/p>\n

She stopped using my nickname sometime ago and had begun referring to me as just Joe.<\/p>\n

\u201cI\u2019m glad to see you,\u201d I said.<\/p>\n

Cassie smiled but didn\u2019t say anything more as she stood by and waited for me to tie the horse\u2019s reins to the hitching post. When I turned around, I instantly saw the worry in her eyes.<\/p>\n

\u201cWhat\u2019s wrong, Cassie?\u201d<\/p>\n

I immediately went to her and put my hands on her shoulders. I could feel how her body was trembling and I her make a soft crying sound deep in her throat. Gently, I raised her head, seeing the tears that filled her eyes. I pulled her into my arms and held her while she cried.<\/p>\n

When she finally stopped, Cassie pulled away, turning her back to me and walking slowly away. I followed behind until we were standing by the corral fence. She turned then and looked up at me.<\/p>\n

\u201cJoe\u2026\u201d she began. \u201cI have something to tell you\u2026\u201d<\/p>\n

I was puzzled, fearing the worst.<\/p>\n

\u201cWhat?\u201d I tried to say, but it came out as a whisper. My heart was pounding in my chest.<\/p>\n

Cassie swallowed.<\/p>\n

\u201cI\u2019ve been seeing someone\u2026someone special\u2026but my father doesn\u2019t like him and wants me to stop seeing him.\u201d<\/p>\n

I let out a long sigh of relief. Was that all? Thank goodness\u2026I feared something horrible was wrong and all it was, was a love dispute!<\/p>\n

\u201cThen stop seeing him.\u201d<\/p>\n

Cassie looked hurt as she puckered up her lips.<\/p>\n

\u201cI can\u2019t do that, Joe!\u201d<\/p>\n

\u201cWhy not?\u201d<\/p>\n

\u201cBecause\u2026you don\u2019t understand!\u201d<\/p>\n

\u201cNo\u2026I don\u2019t understand. Your pa is a good judge of character and if he thinks you shouldn\u2019t be seeing this fella\u2026then you shouldn\u2019t\u2026who did you say it was?\u201d<\/p>\n

\u201cI didn\u2019t say\u2026but I don\u2019t want to stop seeing him.\u201d She was persistent to say the least.<\/p>\n

\u201cWhy not?\u201d I asked.<\/p>\n

\u201cBecause\u2026I\u2026I\u2026love him, Joe\u2026\u201d<\/p>\n

For a long moment I couldn\u2019t say anything. I was surprised that Cassie, my life-long friend might have actually fallen in love with someone.<\/p>\n

\u201cOh.\u201d<\/p>\n

\u201cOh\u2026is that all you have to say?\u201d<\/p>\n

I felt like an idiot. What was I to say?<\/p>\n

\u201cWhat do you want me to say, Cassie?\u201d<\/p>\n

\u201cI want you to tell me what to do\u2026I love him Joe\u2026but my father doesn\u2019t understand\u2026\u201d<\/p>\n

\u201cHave you talked to your Pa?\u201d<\/p>\n

\u201cI\u2019ve tried\u2026but he won\u2019t listen.\u201d<\/p>\n

\u201cWhat about\u2026this\u2026man\u2026has he tried to talk to your father\u2026who did you say he was?\u201d<\/p>\n

\u201cI didn\u2019t say\u2026and\u2026well, he tried, but Papa ran him off, said he wasn\u2019t welcomed at our place. Oh, Joe\u2026what am I going to do\u2026we love each other\u2026and he\u2019s not a bad person\u2026honest. He\u2019s sweet and kind and gentle and we\u2026love each other and we want to be married\u2026\u201d<\/p>\n

\u201cMARRIED!\u201d Now I was in shock. \u201cCassie\u2026you can\u2019t be serious\u2026who is he?\u201d<\/p>\n

\u201cIt\u2026doesn\u2019t matter, Little Joe\u2026\u201d<\/p>\n

I noticed Cassie slipped up by using my nickname. I was more than a little curious not.<\/p>\n

\u201cWho is he?\u201d I asked in a demanding tone. \u201cAnd why doesn\u2019t your pa like him\u2026what\u2019s he done?<\/p>\n

\u201cOh Joe, for heaven\u2019s sake, he hasn\u2019t done anything\u2026and Papa wouldn\u2019t like anyone he thought I might want to marry\u2026\u201d<\/p>\n

\u201cHe likes me,\u201d I said teasingly, smiling at her.<\/p>\n

\u201cBut I don\u2019t want to marry you!\u201d she shouted back at me.<\/p>\n

I put on a hurt expression and looked at her beneath my lowered lashes.<\/p>\n

\u201cGee thanks.\u201d<\/p>\n

Cassie suddenly giggled, causing me to laugh as well.<\/p>\n

\u201cI\u2019m sorry, Joe\u2026I do love you, you know that\u2026\u201d<\/p>\n

\u201cBut not enough to marry me?\u201d<\/p>\n

\u201cNo\u2026and you don\u2019t love me any more than if I were your sister.\u201d<\/p>\n

\u201cWell\u2026that\u2019s true. But please, tell me\u2026who is the lucky man?\u201d<\/p>\n

\u201cI\u2026I can\u2019t tell you, Joe\u2026\u201d<\/p>\n

\u201cWhy not, we\u2019ve always told each other our deepest, darkest secrets\u2026\u201d<\/p>\n

\u201cYou wouldn\u2019t approve\u2026just like my father\u2026\u201d<\/p>\n

\u201cAwe\u2026Cassie\u2026come on\u2026what\u2019s so wrong with the guy that you can\u2019t tell me?\u201d<\/p>\n

Cassie turned and walked a short distance from me. I waited until she stopped walking and then moved close behind her, placing my hands on her shoulders and turning her around so that I could see her face.<\/p>\n

\u201cCassie?\u201d<\/p>\n

\u201cPromise you won\u2019t hate me, Little Joe?\u201d<\/p>\n

\u201cHate you\u2026I could never hate you,\u201d I whispered.<\/p>\n

A faint hint of lavender from her hair floated up into my nostrils, bringing with it a lifetime of memories.<\/p>\n

\u201cI\u2019m\u2026I\u2019m\u2026carrying his child, Joe\u2026\u201d<\/p>\n

I hadn\u2019t been hit so hard by anything in a long time, not since the last time my old archenemy, Carl-the-class-bully and I had tangled at that long ago barn dance. I was stunned, shocked beyond words, crushed, disappointed, hurt\u2026filled with desperation for Cassie and her situation.<\/p>\n

\u201cMy God, I can\u2019t believe this\u2026\u201d I muttered, releasing her shoulders and turning away to hide my expression from her and the tears I felt suddenly stinging my eyes.<\/p>\n

\u201cI knew you would hate me\u2026\u201d<\/p>\n

I spun around, anger showing in my eyes. I saw Cassie draw back in fear. It was the first time she\u2019d ever seen me so out and out angry. It was the first time I\u2019d felt so much anger at her.<\/p>\n

\u201cI don\u2019t hate you\u2026I told you, I\u2019d could never hate you\u2026\u201d<\/p>\n

\u201cBut you\u2019re mad\u2026\u201d<\/p>\n

\u201cNOT AT YOU!\u201d I knew I was shouting, but all I could think of right then was getting my hands on the bastard who had\u2026.done this to her.<\/p>\n

\u201cCassie\u2026I want you to tell me who this bastard is\u2026if he won\u2019t marry you\u2026then by God\u2026I\u2019ll marry you\u2026no one ever know that the baby wasn\u2019t really mine\u2026\u201d<\/p>\n

\u201cNO!\u201d she shouted back at me.<\/p>\n

She came to me then and touched my cheek with her hand. I grabbed it, holding it tightly in mine and kissing her fingertips. Something inside of me knew she\u2019d never agree to marry me, to let me be the baby\u2019s father\u2026<\/p>\n

\u201cI told you\u2026I LOVE him, Joe\u2026do you hear me\u2026and he LOVES me\u2026we want to be married!\u201d<\/p>\n

I couldn\u2019t say anything\u2026I didn\u2019t know what to say.<\/p>\n

\u201cYou don\u2019t understand, Joe\u2026we didn\u2019t mean for this to happen\u2026it just did. But I\u2019m not sorry\u2026and if Papa won\u2019t let us get married\u2026then\u2026we\u2019ll just run away and get married.\u201d<\/p>\n

I saw the fear, the hurt, and the near panic in her eyes.<\/p>\n

\u201cCassie, does your father know about the\u2026baby?\u201d<\/p>\n

She shook her head no. \u201cI\u2019m afraid to tell him\u2026he hates\u2026him.\u201d<\/p>\n

Cassie moved over to my side. I was leaning against the railing, watching the horses in the corral, thinking\u2026<\/p>\n

\u201cHe\u2019s a kind, gentle man, Joe. He hasn\u2019t always been, but I know why he was always acting like a big bully\u2026he told me why\u2026\u201d<\/p>\n

I looked down into her eyes, seeing the all the love she felt for this man shining in their expression.<\/p>\n

\u201cHe\u2019s loved me forever\u2026since the first day I came to school\u2026so many years ago\u2026\u201d<\/p>\n

My mind was racing\u2026bully\u2026school\u2026kind, gentle\u2026the four words didn\u2019t mix\u2026they couldn\u2019t possibly mean who I feared it might\u2026but it had to be\u2026NO!<\/p>\n

I grabbed her shoulders again, this time digging my fingers into her flesh.<\/p>\n

\u201cCARL! Dear God in heaven, Cassie\u2026please, tell me I\u2019m wrong\u2026it can\u2019t be CARL!!\u201d<\/p>\n

She didn\u2019t have to say anything, all I had to do was to look deeply into her eyes, see the look on her face, feel the sudden trembling of her shoulders beneath my fingers and I had my answer.<\/p>\n

I jerked my hands from her shoulders as if they\u2019d been burnt and turned away, unable to face her. I didn\u2019t want to face her\u2026I didn\u2019t want to look at her\u2026I\u2026hated her. I felt betrayed for all the years I\u2019d stood by her, fighting for her, taking a beating for her, suffering the pain and indignation I\u2019d endured from years of standing up for her. At that moment, she\u2019d done me more wrong than Carl Lockland had ever done to me and I was more devastated than I\u2019d ever thought I could be.<\/p>\n

I never looked back; I just went into the barn and saddled my horse. When I rode out of the barn, I didn\u2019t even bother to look at her, but I was keenly aware that she was still there. My father had come outside and he was standing next to her. I knew she was crying, but I didn\u2019t give a damn\u2026let her cry\u2026she deserved to cry\u2026I hoped she was miserable, just as miserable as I had been since laying eyes on her so long ago.<\/p>\n

I kicked Cochise hard in the sides\u2026and rode off in a huff, as if the devil himself was chasing me. I wasn\u2019t set on going any particular place, but I ended up in town, at the Bucket of Blood Saloon.<\/p>\n

I ordered myself a beer and sat sulking at a table in the back corner of the room. A couple of my old friends had tried to start a conversation, but I let them know right off that I didn\u2019t want to be bothered, so they left me alone. I must have spent a couple of hours sitting there alone, drinking\u2026though in that time, I\u2019d only had two beers and I was just about ready to leave when I saw Carl come into the bar.<\/p>\n

I watched as he ordered himself a beer and started to take a sip. As he turned his mug up, he saw me sitting in the back of the room and tipped his mug at me. I downed the rest of my beer and pushed back my chair and stood up. I hadn\u2019t intended to start anything with him, after all, why should I\u2026I didn\u2019t care anymore what happened to Cassie and I even cared less about the jerk at the bar. But as it was, when I walked by him, Carl had the gumption to say hello to me. It was all the incentive I needed. All the anger, all the hurt, all the humiliation I\u2019d endured over that past six years came rising to the surface and I lashed out at him.<\/p>\n

I hit Carl Lockland so damn hard that his entire body went reeling across the room, tumbling over two tables before being slammed against the far wall. For a moment he lay dazed in the floor. I rubbed my sore fist and turned to go, that\u2019s when I felt his body slam into mine. We went crashing to the floor in a heap. I could hear the men shouting but I was too busy beating my fist into Carl\u2019s face to notice who any of them might be and besides, I didn\u2019t care, I had a lifetime of pent up anger to rid myself of.<\/p>\n

By the time the fight was over, we were out in the street and Carl was lying flat on his back, blood dripping from his mouth and nose. It was the first time I\u2019d ever won a fight with him! I stood over him, just looking down at him as he wiped the blood from his lip and tried to get up. As he pushed himself into a sitting position, he looked up at me and surprised me by grinning at me.<\/p>\n

\u201cI guess I deserved that, Cartwright,\u201d he muttered, spitting the blood from his mouth. \u201cAnd I guess I know why\u2026you won today\u2026but Joe\u2026something ya should know,\u201d<\/p>\n

I wanted to walk away, but there was something in the tone of his voice the prevented me from doing so\u2026something sincere.<\/p>\n

\u201cI love her, Joe\u2026honest\u2026I always have, but I was always afraid\u2026of you\u2026\u201d<\/p>\n

\u201cMe?\u201d I heard myself saying.<\/p>\n

\u201cYeah\u2026I was always afraid that she\u2019d love you instead of me\u2026I\u2026hated you, Little Joe\u2026maybe I still do\u2026I don\u2019t know. But it\u2019s important to me that you know how I feel about her\u2026I do love her\u2026and I am going to marry her\u2026\u201d<\/p>\n

I realized then that it was true\u2026I couldn\u2019t understand how or when it happened, but it was a fact, Cassie and Carl had somehow, at sometime fallen in love.<\/p>\n

I pointed my finger at him and every bit of the hate and anger I felt was in my voice. It even trembled; it was that hard for me to speak\u2026<\/p>\n

\u201cCarl\u2026if you ever hurt her\u2026if you ever make her cry or cause her one minute of unhappiness\u2026I swear to you on my mother\u2019s grave, you\u2019ll answer to me for it\u2026I\u2019ll come looking for you, you won\u2019t be able to hide cause I\u2019ll find you no matter where you run, I\u2019ll hunt you down and I\u2019ll\u2026kill you with my bare hands!\u201d<\/p>\n

I felt I had little pride left. Everyone it seemed, that knew me and Carl and the years of anger and hate that lay between us was there that night and it took every ounce of courage I was bequeathed with to keep from killing him right then. But I didn\u2019t\u2026I turned and walked away, leaving Carl to face to the mob that lingered and whom had been witness to his dethroning. That was the last time that I saw Carl.<\/p>\n

A week later, I was helping Hoss with a wagon wheel when Mr. Riggs drove his buggy into the yard. I saw the man glance at me as he jumped down from the seat and slowly make his way over to us. He was looking a bit wane, as if he\u2019d been a long time worrying about something. I hadn\u2019t seen Cassie since the day she came by and told me about her and Carl so I wondered if Mr. Riggs\u2019 visit had anything to do with his daughter and her lover.<\/p>\n

\u201cHowdy, Mr. Riggs,\u201d Hoss greeted our neighbor.<\/p>\n

\u201cHoss,\u201d Mr. Riggs said, but he turned then and looked at me.<\/p>\n

It was hard to look him in the face; I didn\u2019t know just how much he knew that I knew.<\/p>\n

\u201cLittle Joe\u2026\u201d<\/p>\n

\u201cHello, sir.\u201d<\/p>\n

\u201cCould I have a word with you\u2026alone?\u201d he asked, glancing sideways at Hoss.<\/p>\n

\u201cIf\u2019n ya\u2019ll excuse me,\u201d Hoss said politely, \u201cI got something I gotta tend to, in the barn,\u201d he said, smiling and then slipped away.<\/p>\n

\u201cLittle Joe\u2026I been aiming on coming over to see you, before now\u2026but I\u2026well, in honesty, I reckon I couldn\u2019t face you\u2026\u201d<\/p>\n

\u201cCouldn\u2019t face me\u2026come on Mr. Riggs, we\u2019re better friends than that\u2026\u201d<\/p>\n

\u201cI know, Joe\u2026but\u2026well, I know how close you and Cassie always were\u2026and she told me how you\u2026took the news\u2026about her and Carl, I mean\u2026\u201d<\/p>\n

I couldn\u2019t help but wonder if he knew about the baby.<\/p>\n

\u201cShe asked me to come by and tell you how sorry she was\u2026for hurting you\u2026and disappointing you\u2026she ran off, Joe\u2026\u201d<\/p>\n

\u201cI\u2019m not surprised, Mr. Riggs\u2026they really did love each other\u2026and\u2026they wanted to be married\u2026\u201d<\/p>\n

I couldn\u2019t believe I was standing there defending Cassie to her own father, but I suppose when you\u2019ve been friends with someone for so long, it just came natural, no matter how badly you feel they mistreated you\u2026and she hadn\u2019t really\u2026she couldn\u2019t help it if she had fallen in love with Carl\u2026no more than Carl could help himself for falling in love with Cassie.<\/p>\n

\u201cI know\u2026I told her I understood and I begged her to stay here and let me give her a proper wedding\u2026but she didn\u2019t want that\u2026she said she and Carl wanted to go away anyway so they\u2019d go and get married in San Francisco. He wants to start a freighting business there with a friend of his from back east so I suppose it was for the better\u2026I couldn\u2019t refuse her. Joe\u2026I know about the baby\u2026\u201d<\/p>\n

\u201cYou do?\u201d I asked, stunned that he knew, for I really thought that Cassie might just go away without telling her folks and then one day eight months later write them a letter and tell them she had a baby\u2026but I guess I didn\u2019t know her quite as well as I thought I did.
\nCassie had been gone for about two weeks when I found myself feeling a bit gloomy about it all and wishing that I\u2019d taken time to apologize to Cassie for all the horrible things I said the last time we spoke and to tell her that I really did wish the best for her.<\/p>\n

Pa found me one evening standing alone at the corral in the exact place where she and I had stood. He must have sensed my unhappiness for he slipped his arm about my shoulders. When I looked up at him, he smiled at me.<\/p>\n

\u201cYou miss her, don\u2019t you?\u201d<\/p>\n

\u201cYes, sir\u2026but\u2026\u201d My voice had started to tremble and I couldn\u2019t go on. I had to swallow.<\/p>\n

\u201cBut what, son?\u201d<\/p>\n

\u201cI didn\u2019t even tell her goodbye\u2026or that I was sorry\u2026or that I\u2026loved her.\u201d<\/p>\n

I felt Pa\u2019s fingers tighten some on my shoulder and it gave me a little comfort, knowing that he understood how I was feeling.<\/p>\n

\u201cJoe\u2026I think she knows. She loved you as well, I\u2019m sure of it\u2026and I think she knows that you didn\u2019t mean most of what you said\u2026\u201d<\/p>\n

\u201cI suppose\u2026but\u2026I still didn\u2019t tell her goodbye\u2026\u201d<\/p>\n

\u201cWell\u2026goodbye can be so final sometimes, son\u2026and I honestly don\u2019t think you\u2019ve seen or heard that last from Cassie. She\u2019ll be back some day, you\u2019ll see.\u201d<\/p>\n

I looked deeply into my father\u2019s eyes, believing what he said. Pa was wise about such things and I suppose had I said goodbye, I might not have ever seen my dear friend again, so I chose to trust what Pa said.<\/p>\n

I smiled back, feeling much better.<\/p>\n

\u201cI\u2019m sure I will too, Pa.\u201d<\/p>\n

And I did\u2026but not for almost two years.
\nFor the next year and a half, I received a letter every month from Cassie\u2026and Carl\u2026always filled with the exciting things that apparently were making them happy. I got the chance to tell her I was sorry\u2026it was easy, writing it in a letter and really not having to face her. I also wished both she and Carl the best and said that I hoped they lived happily ever after\u2026I meant it too, I wanted the best for Cassie and if Carl was the one to give it to her, then so be it.<\/p>\n

The baby had arrived a bit earlier than expected and had been small at birth but apparently healthy enough according to the doctor who delivered him. Cassie informed me that she had decided to name the baby after the two loves in her life, Carl and I\u2026<\/p>\n

Carl Joseph Lockland would have a hard road to travel if he grew up anything like his father and his namesake I decided early on. I had been both shocked and proud at the same time that my lifelong friend had honored me by naming her baby after me but I couldn\u2019t help but wonder what old Carl thought about that. I still didn\u2019t like him, probably never would\u2026and I\u2019m sure he\u2019d never take a liking to me, but it didn\u2019t matter, Cassie was happy and if she had found something good about the jerk, then I was happy for her.<\/p>\n

The letters stopped coming after about eighteen months and I spent the next couple of months wondering what had happened. I ran into Mr. Riggs in town one day and stopped him to inquire about Cassie and her little family. I was informed that he hadn\u2019t received a letter from his daughter in about two months himself and so he was planning on taking a trip to San Francisco to visit her and to assure himself that everything was as it should be. I made him promise me that he\u2019d let me know the minute he found out something and he agreed that he would.<\/p>\n

Two days later, Mr. Riggs came out to the ranch for a visit. I was surprised to see him because I thought he had already left for the city, but he was beaming with happiness when he jumped down from his wagon. He was waving whatever he held in his hand, in the air.<\/p>\n

\u201cJoe..Little Joe\u2026looky\u2026she\u2019s coming home\u2026my baby is coming home\u2026and she\u2019s bringing Little Carl, my grandson!\u201d<\/p>\n

I felt Adam\u2019s hand slap my back just before I ran to greet the elderly man who was hurrying toward us.<\/p>\n

\u201cMr. Riggs, that\u2019s wonderful news! When\u2026when will Cassie be here?\u201d<\/p>\n

I couldn\u2019t believe it. The news made me just about as happy as Mr. Riggs. I was anxious to see my old friend\u2026and her little boy\u2026I wasn\u2019t too sure about seeing Carl again after all this time, I wondered what he was like. Probably hadn\u2019t changed much, but I kept the thoughts to myself.<\/p>\n

\u201cEnd of the week, Little Joe\u2026Friday\u2026this Friday\u2026!\u201d<\/p>\n

\u201cThat\u2019s great!\u201d<\/p>\n

Pa stepped up then, resting his hand on my shoulder.<\/p>\n

\u201cLet\u2019s throw Cassie and Carl\u2026he\u2019s coming too, isn\u2019t he Bill?\u201d<\/p>\n

Bill Riggs nodded his head yes.<\/p>\n

\u201cThen let\u2019s have a coming home party\u2026what do you say?\u201d<\/p>\n

Pa looked around at me and I agreed instantly. Mr. Riggs nodded in agreement as well, so it was decided, we\u2019d have the party on Saturday, the day after Cassie and her family arrived. That would give them time to spend with Cassie\u2019s parents as well as Carl\u2019s before the party.
\nI wanted to meet the stage to welcome Cassie home, but decided against it. I didn\u2019t want to push myself in on her parents or Carl\u2019s for that matter, so I had to be content to wait until Saturday night to see her. I tried to keep my mind off her coming home by helping around the yard with the party preparations, but everybody complained that I was getting in the way, so I decided to take a little ride and leave the getting ready to Hop Sing.<\/p>\n

I wasn\u2019t meaning to end up at the Riggs\u2019 place, but I did. I didn\u2019t go in, but I was able to watch from the small rise that rose west of the house. I saw Cassie and Carl in the buggy with her parents as they arrived home. Carl was holding the little boy and passed him to his grandfather when he turned to help Cassie down from the buggy.<\/p>\n

Even from the distance I watched, I could see her finely chiseled features and I could almost smell the faint scent of lavender that she always wore in her hair. As I watched, I began to notice that Cassie didn\u2019t seem as spry as she once had. Carl had helped her down and now had his arm encircled about her waist, holding her carefully. I wondered why. He walked rather slowly as he guided her into the house and I found myself wondering what had happened to make her appear so frail. Had she had an accident\u2026was she ill? Maybe she was with child again and the trip home hadn\u2019t set to well with her. I was dying to find out, but I knew it would have to wait, it just wouldn\u2019t be right for me to ride down there and burst in on their homecoming. And Cassie obviously needed her rest and would want to look her best when she greeted old friends, of that I was sure. Saturday night seemed like forever!
\nI was waiting anxiously on the side porch when she finally arrived. Most all the guest were there already and were milling around talking to one another, waiting. They all stopped what they were doing in order to gather around the carriage when it finally rolled into the yard. I stood up so that I could get a better look. It was hard to see her, what with the crowd that swallowed her up once she had stepped down.<\/p>\n

I felt Hoss gently urge me forward and I remember turning to glare at him but he was smiling and seeing his shiny blue eyes watching me and knowing that my insides were churning, I had to return the smile.<\/p>\n

\u201cGo ahead boy,\u201d he whispered softly. \u201cAin\u2019t ya waited long enough?\u201d<\/p>\n

I nodded my head and started walking towards the buggy. It seemed everyone in my way must have seen me cause they parted and stepped aside so that no one stood between Cassie and I. Most were long time friends and had known both of us since we were kids and most all of them knew about the special friendship that Cassie and I shared and they also knew of the rivalry between her husband, Carl, and myself.<\/p>\n

Cassie was laughing softly at something the baby, whom Carl was proudly holding in his arms, was doing, but she turned suddenly when she saw me. I stopped in my tracks, my eyes must have surely been playing tricks on me for the once beautiful young girl that had captured my heart and soul so very long ago, no longer existed. In her place stood an aged old woman who in no way resembled the beautiful Cassie Riggs of my youth. I know my mouth must have been hanging wide opened. This person could not be the same girl, this person was at least ten years older than the Cassie I knew\u2026and sickly\u2026 my Cassie had been young and beautiful and glowing with health.<\/p>\n

I stood in shock as if time had stood still, until she smiled at me and I looked into her eyes. They were the same, so was the smile\u2026I\u2019d know them anywhere.<\/p>\n

\u201cJoe\u2026are you just going to stand there and stare at me?\u201d<\/p>\n

I shook off the fear that caused my heart to race and gathered Cassie into my arms. I was horrified to feel her thinness and how frail she felt in my embrace. It was almost as if she might break in two if I squeezed to tightly.<\/p>\n

She leaned up and kissed my cheek, whispering as she did so.<\/p>\n

\u201cI\u2019ve missed you\u2026you handsome devil, you!\u201d<\/p>\n

I couldn\u2019t help but giggle and when she pulled back, she was grinning from ear to ear. Happiness shown in the depths of her eyes and I felt a little comforted by it.<\/p>\n

\u201cJoe\u2026this is Little Carl\u2026\u201d<\/p>\n

Little Carl\u2026I thought\u2026what a joke\u2026and the joke was on me and the boy\u2019s father. I tickled the little one under the chin, surprised to hear him start to giggle\u2026what a strange sound he made. I looked up at the boy\u2019s father, finding the elder Carl watching me closely.<\/p>\n

\u201cHello, Joe,\u201d he said, offering me his hand.<\/p>\n

I looked at it only briefly and then clasped it in mine.<\/p>\n

\u201cHello, Carl\u2026welcome home\u2026\u201d I meant it too\u2026
\nWe chatted and laughed the night away. Cassie explained that she hadn\u2019t been feeling well and needed to take things a bit slow so I didn\u2019t ask her to dance\u2026though I would have given my right arm to have danced with her. Carl mostly tended to the boy\u2026who was an absolute replica of his father and I sensed that there would be some hard days ahead for the boy, once he began school.<\/p>\n

I mentioned my fears to Cassie and it made her laugh out loud. I could envision him now\u2026beating up on my own son, if I had one. I told Cassie I\u2019d teach my son how to defend himself against bullies and not be left to learn the hard way like I had. That made her laugh too.<\/p>\n

Later, when I had gone over to get us some punch, Adam came over to me and nudged me.<\/p>\n

\u201cYou better stop hogging all the lady\u2019s time, Little Brother\u2026her husband hasn\u2019t taken his eyes off you since they got here.\u201d<\/p>\n

I glanced around looking for Carl and sure enough, he was watching me even then. His eyes were dark and narrow and reminded me of the many times in the past I\u2019d seen him glaring at me. It was a silent warning.<\/p>\n

\u201cDon\u2019t worry Adam\u2026I can handle Carl Lockland\u2026\u201d I recall smiling at Adam and then taking Cassie her punch, leaving Adam with a strange look on his face. I was sure he\u2019d heard about the last fight Carl and I had, back before he and Cassie had run off and gotten married.<\/p>\n

\u201cJoe\u2026will you come see me tomorrow\u2026I\u2019d like to talk to you about something,\u201d Cassie asked as she and her family were preparing to leave.<\/p>\n

\u201cSure\u2026is there anything wrong?\u201d<\/p>\n

\u201cNot really, but I\u2019d like to talk to you\u2026about two then?\u201d<\/p>\n

I smiled.<\/p>\n

\u201cI\u2019ll be there.\u201d
\nI was there on time. It took several moments for Cassie to answer the knock on the door, cause it seemed like I had waited a long time before she responded. I had almost given up, thinking that perhaps she had forgotten that she asked me to stop by and gone into town instead. Everyone else seemed to be gone. I was about ready to leave when I heard her inside. I peeked in the window and saw her making her way across the room toward the door. When she opened it, I gasped, Cassie looked as if she were about to faint. Quickly, I reached for her, letting her lean the weight of her body against mine as I eased her over to the settee.<\/p>\n

\u201cCassie, what\u2019s wrong?\u201d I was scared\u2026she looked so\u2026different. \u201cWhere\u2019s Carl\u2026or your parents?\u201d<\/p>\n

Cassie put her hand on my arm and smiled. \u201cI\u2019m alright, Joe\u2026no need to worry\u2026\u201d<\/p>\n

\u201cBut\u2026you look like you\u2019re\u2026\u201d<\/p>\n

\u201cI know\u2026\u201d she smiled tenderly at me and squeezed her fingers. \u201cThat\u2019s what I wanted to talk to you about. The others\u2026Carl and my parents\u2026they\u2019re gone\u2026I\u2026wanted to talk to you alone\u2026I asked them to take Little Carl and go into town for awhile.\u201d<\/p>\n

I sat down on the ottoman so that I could be near the couch and closer to Cassie. I was getting more scared by the minute; my mind was imagining the worst and I was almost afraid to know what it was that Cassie said was so important.<\/p>\n

\u201cJoe\u2026first\u2026I want to tell you how much I love you\u2026I always have\u2026\u201d<\/p>\n

I smiled\u2026she had always made me smile\u2026even when I was angry.<\/p>\n

\u201cBut not enough to marry me, heh?\u201d I teased.<\/p>\n

\u201cLike a brother\u2026\u201d she teased back.<\/p>\n

I made a funny face and puckered up my brow. Cassie giggled.<\/p>\n

\u201cYou have always\u2026always, Joe\u2026been my very best friend. We\u2019ve shared so many secrets\u2026and I\u2019ve told you things about myself that no other person living knows about me\u2026\u201d<\/p>\n

\u201cEven Carl?\u201d I dared to question her.<\/p>\n

\u201cEven Carl,\u201d she replied. \u201cAnd I\u2019ve always cherished all the wonderful times we\u2019ve spent growing up together\u2026\u201d<\/p>\n

It was my turn to laugh, causing Cassie to stop talking and look up at me.<\/p>\n

\u201cWhy are you laughing?\u201d she asked.<\/p>\n

\u201cWell, you must be remembering things I\u2019ve long forgotten, cause most of what I remember is getting my butt stomped for defending you\u2026\u201d<\/p>\n

\u201cOh Joe\u2026\u201d giggled Cassie, \u201cHow can you sit there and be so mean to me?\u201d<\/p>\n

\u201cWell, it\u2019s the truth\u2026Carl would do something to you and make you cry and I\u2019d end up getting into a free-for-all with him and I never came out the winner\u2026\u201d<\/p>\n

\u201cYou did once\u2026\u201d she said softly in a knowing manner.<\/p>\n

I stopped laughing and looked into her eyes trying to read what I was seeing in them.<\/p>\n

\u201cI had good cause\u2026I was driven. Did he do as I suggested that he do, Cassie?\u201d<\/p>\n

\u201cBy that you mean\u2026make me happy?\u201d<\/p>\n

\u201cYes.\u201d<\/p>\n

\u201cYes, Joe\u2026Carl and I have been wonderfully happy.\u201d<\/p>\n

She must have seen the doubt in my eyes because she hurried on to reassure me.<\/p>\n

\u201cI\u2019m telling you the truth, old friend, Carl is a wonderful man. He\u2019s kind and gentle and so very compassionate. And he\u2019s a good father and a good provider\u2026\u201d<\/p>\n

I still harbored some doubts, though she looked happy\u2026 \u201cIf you say so.\u201d<\/p>\n

\u201cI do say so\u2026\u201d<\/p>\n

\u201cAlright then, I believe you\u2026but you didn\u2019t ask me here to talk about Carl\u2026\u201d<\/p>\n

I didn\u2019t really want to listen to Cassie ramble on about all Carl\u2019s virtues, I had formed my own opinion of him several years ago and it would take a hundred years to change my mind about him\u2026<\/p>\n

\u201cJoe\u2026I\u2019ve not been well\u2026I guess you and everybody else has noticed\u2026\u201d<\/p>\n

\u201cNaw\u2026not me\u2026\u201d I was lying and she knew it, but she didn\u2019t say as much. \u201cYou\u2019re still as beautiful as you always were\u2026\u201d<\/p>\n

\u201cAnd you\u2019re still the same liar that you always were!\u201d<\/p>\n

I guess I said the wrong thing\u2026hahaha.<\/p>\n

\u201cI\u2019m\u2026dying, Little Joe\u2026\u201d<\/p>\n

I felt as if I\u2019d been hit in the face with an iron skillet. I couldn\u2019t say anything, my tongue suddenly felt swollen as if it were too large for my mouth and I couldn\u2019t swallow. Surely I\u2019d heard wrong.<\/p>\n

\u201cThe doctors in San Francisco said it didn\u2019t have a name, but it is a disease that\u2026slowly eats away at my insides\u2026there\u2019s nothing they can do for me\u2026\u201d<\/p>\n

Why\u2026that was the silliest thing I\u2019d ever heard\u2026a disease that ate away at a person\u2019s insides\u2026that must be\u2026painful. I looked over at Cassie through my tears\u2026I was unaware that I was crying\u2026and I saw her\u2026really saw her for the first time. She was in pain\u2026though she tried to hide it from me.<\/p>\n

\u201cCassie\u2026.\u201d I was muttering her name over and over as the truth began to sink in. \u201cI\u2026don\u2019t know what\u2026to say\u2026\u201d<\/p>\n

She rose up into a sitting position and asked me to sit next to her. I did.<\/p>\n

\u201cDon\u2019t say anything, Joe\u2026please\u2026just hold me\u2026\u201d<\/p>\n

I put my arms around her and drew her close. She didn\u2019t cry, but I did and it ended up her holding and comforting me instead of the other way around.<\/p>\n

\u201cShh\u2026don\u2019t cry, Joe\u2026it\u2019s alright. I\u2019ve accepted it\u2026so has Carl\u2026\u201d<\/p>\n

\u201cI don\u2019t want you to die Cassie\u2026isn\u2019t there something\u2026anything\u2026that can be done?\u201d<\/p>\n

\u201cNo\u2026but I\u2019m not afraid\u2026not anymore. At least of dying I\u2019m not\u2026but I\u2019m worried Joe\u2026about Carl and the baby and what\u2019s going to happen to them when I\u2019m gone.\u201d<\/p>\n

I pulled free and turned to face her. She had a strange glow about her face and head\u2026almost like she was wearing a halo. Her features had softened and she was almost\u2026beautiful again\u2026and young and healthy.<\/p>\n

\u201cWill you promise me something, Joe?\u201d<\/p>\n

\u201cAnything\u2026just name it.\u201d<\/p>\n

\u201cWill you promise me that you will help Carl take care of the baby? Will you see to it that Little Carl grows up to be as fine of a man as both you and Carl are?\u201d<\/p>\n

She sounded as if she were pleading with me.<\/p>\n

\u201cI promise, Cassie, don\u2019t you worry any about the little fellow\u2026I won\u2019t let him become known as Carl-the-class-bully!\u201d<\/p>\n

In spite of how miserable she was feeling, Cassie snickered and then sobered.<\/p>\n

\u201cWill you make me one more promise, please?\u201d<\/p>\n

I wondered what else she would ask of me\u2026but it didn\u2019t matter, I\u2019d do anything to make her happy, it was nothing less than what I\u2019d expected of old Carl.<\/p>\n

\u201cI promise, Cassie\u2026\u201d<\/p>\n

\u201cPromise me that you\u2019ll always be a friend to Carl\u2026he likes you Joe\u2026really, he admires your courage\u2026and he respects you for always having the guts to stand up to him,\u201d she added sensing my doubt. \u201cHe\u2019s admitted as much\u2026though he\u2019s always been afraid of you\u2026\u201d<\/p>\n

\u201cI doubt that\u2026\u201d<\/p>\n

\u201cNo, really, he\u2019s always known how much you\u2019ve meant to me and I think Carl was always expecting you to show up one day and steal me away from him\u2026not that you could,\u201d she smiled.<\/p>\n

\u201cPromise me, Joe\u2026that you\u2019ll be his friend\u2026he\u2019s going to need someone soon, and I\u2019d like to leave this world knowing that the two men I\u2019ve loved most in my life were honestly friends.\u201d<\/p>\n

I was getting choked up by that time and couldn\u2019t really speak. How could she ask that of me\u2026knowing that for more years than I\u2019d care to admit\u2026I\u2019ve hated the man? But she asked and I had already promised so I could do no less than to keep that promise.<\/p>\n

I took Cassie\u2019s hands in mine, brought them to my lips and kissed them. Her flesh felt cold and the sensation caused me to tremble. My gut growled and I felt my stomach do a flip. Swallowing was hard.<\/p>\n

\u201cI promise, Cassie to try my best\u2026to be a friend to\u2026Carl\u2026\u201d<\/p>\n

She smiled up at me and she was beautiful.<\/p>\n

\u201cThat\u2019s all I\u2019ve ever wanted. Thank you my darling\u2026I love you, Little Joe\u2026my knight-to-the-rescue in shining armor!\u201d<\/p>\n

I leaned forward kiss her goodbye, but she stopped me and placed her hand against my cheek. Her voice had grown weak and it trembled just a bit when she spoke to me.<\/p>\n

\u201cMay the road rise up to meet you, may the wind be ever at your back. May the sun shine warm upon your face and the rain, fall softly on your fields. And until we meet again, may God hold you in the hollow of his hand.\u201d<\/p>\n

I finished the kiss, this time she returned it and her lips were warm against mine, sending a shiver down the back of my spine.
\nI left that afternoon knowing that I\u2019d never see her again and feeling drained of all emotion. I felt as if I was lost, wandering through unknown territory. She left me once before\u2026but she came back\u2026this time there would be no homecoming\u2026no party\u2026only a vast emptiness, a lifetime of loneliness and a well full of grief.<\/p>\n

I took the long rode home that day stopping off at the lake to pay my mother a visit. I sat for what seemed like hours; I cried a little and then a lot, recalling old times. It was growing late and I knew I should go home, but I didn\u2019t want to leave, I wasn\u2019t ready to face anyone; I wanted to keep my memories fresh in my mind, but as the hour grew later I knew I\u2019d best go before Pa started to worry, so I mounted up and headed back towards the ranch. It was almost dark by the time I reached the barn and stabled my horse. As I neared the front door, it suddenly opened and there was Pa looking as if he\u2019d lost his best friend.<\/p>\n

\u201cJoe\u2026where have you been, son, we\u2019ve looked everywhere for you?\u201d<\/p>\n

\u201cOut riding\u2026I needed to be alone, Pa\u2026I went over to see Cassie\u2026and she told me\u2026\u201d<\/p>\n

I couldn\u2019t say the words, but Pa must have heard the news from someone, for when I looked again at his face, I noted the would-be tears that swelled in his eyes. I didn\u2019t quite understand, until he told me.<\/p>\n

\u201cShe\u2019s gone, son\u2026\u201d
\nCassie was laid to rest the very next afternoon. I stood next to Carl and for the first time in our lives I think we really understood each other. Mrs. Riggs cradled Little Carl to her bosom and Cassie\u2019s father stood with a protective hand around each of them.<\/p>\n

Carl seemed to be alone, lost in his own world of grief and I found myself feeling much sympathy towards him. I had sunk deeply into a state of disbelief and I was sadder than I\u2019d ever remembered being. I hurt inside, my chest hurt\u2026I suppose that happens when a man\u2019s heart breaks.<\/p>\n

I glanced up at Carl\u2026he still towered over me\u2026even when he was slumping, like now. I sensed his loss, his pain\u2026even his aching heart. He really had loved her\u2026I could see it in his eyes. I shouldn\u2019t have been surprised, Cassie had said as much\u2026that Carl loved her and she had loved him. I hope he knew just how much she had\u2026<\/p>\n

The preacher had finished with his sermon so I stepped back and gave everyone there a chance to say their goodbyes and then shake Carl\u2019s hand. My father and brothers were last to do so and Pa paused in front of me.<\/p>\n

\u201cJoe\u2026let\u2019s go home, son.\u201d<\/p>\n

\u201cNot just yet, Pa\u2026please\u2026I\u2019d like to stay and talk to Carl\u2026\u201d<\/p>\n

\u201cAlright, son\u2026don\u2019t be long.\u201d<\/p>\n

\u201cI won\u2019t sir\u2026I just want to tell him something\u2026\u201d<\/p>\n

Pa and Adam and Hoss went on their way. I didn\u2019t know they stood at the family buggy talking to some of the men. Pa had been worried about me and it was his way of keeping an eye on me.<\/p>\n

Carl was standing alone, over the grave. He seemed to be in a stupor, unable to move. I moved closer, but he never acknowledged that I was there.<\/p>\n

\u201cCarl,\u201d I said, placing my hand on his shoulder.<\/p>\n

\u201cShe\u2019s gone\u2026Joe\u2026\u201d<\/p>\n

I saw his Adam\u2019s apple go up and down as he swallowed.<\/p>\n

\u201cI know,\u201d I muttered and gently squeezed his shoulder with my fingers.<\/p>\n

\u201cI did what you wanted me to\u2026\u201d<\/p>\n

I wasn\u2019t sure what he meant by what he said. He glanced over at me; I saw the tears rolling gently down the front of his face.<\/p>\n

\u201cI made her happy, Joe\u2026I never gave her cause to cry\u2026I loved her, Joe\u2026just like I promised you I would.\u201d<\/p>\n

I understood then that he was referring to the last fight we\u2019d had, two years ago when I first learned that Cassie was carrying his baby and I\u2019d beaten the fire out of him at the Bucket of Blood Saloon. He hadn\u2019t forgotten my threat\u2026<\/p>\n

I saw his chin begin to quiver, as he looked me in the eye.<\/p>\n

\u201cShe told me what you said\u2026that if I didn\u2019t marry her, you would\u2026and take my child to raise as your own. You loved her that much\u2026didn\u2019t you? You\u2019d have sacrificed your own happiness to make her happy\u2026wouldn\u2019t you?\u201d<\/p>\n

My own chin was quivering now and I couldn\u2019t stop the tears from welling in my eyes. I couldn\u2019t even speak\u2026but it was the truth\u2026I had loved her that much\u2026more than just like a sister\u2026I\u2019d given my life for her had I been asked to. I nodded my head.<\/p>\n

Carl lost all control then as did I and we fell into each other\u2019s arms and wept over our loss. We remained as such for several moments, pulling our grief together into one for the woman that we had both loved and lost. In that instance, we were friends\u2026real friends\u2026just like Cassie had always wanted us to be. Carl and I understood each other, we shared a common loss\u2026we shared an uncommon love for the same person\u2026his wife, my friend.
\nI heard the front door open and close. When I looked up, Pa was there.
\n\u201cWhy don\u2019t you come inside, son, it\u2019s getting colder out here and you\u2019ll catch cold without your jacket,\u201d Ben said as he moved nearer to his son.<\/p>\n

He had watched for several weeks now, the grief that seemed never to leave his youngest son. He had been worried, Joe was troubled and Ben was concerned, he was at a loss as to how to help the boy overcome his heartache.<\/p>\n

Joe glanced up at the sky.<\/p>\n

\u201cIt looks like snow, doesn\u2019t it?\u201d<\/p>\n

\u201cYes, I\u2019m afraid it does.\u201d<\/p>\n

\u201cPa,\u201d Joe said suddenly, \u201ccan I ask you something?\u201d<\/p>\n

Ben moved even closer. It was the first time in weeks that Joe had seemed to want to talk to anyone and he wasn\u2019t about to pass up the chance to hopefully help his boy.<\/p>\n

\u201cYou know you can ask me anything, son. What\u2019s on your mind?\u201d<\/p>\n

Ben noticed that Joe\u2019s eyes took on a faraway look.<\/p>\n

\u201cOr should I say, who is on your mind?\u201d<\/p>\n

Joe turned to look at his father. His eyes showed his great sadness, his expression betrayed his confusion.<\/p>\n

\u201cNeed you ask?\u201d Joe said grimly. \u201cShe\u2019s always on my mind\u2026Pa, I can\u2019t seem to get over her death.\u201d<\/p>\n

Ben slipped his arms about his son\u2019s shoulders.<\/p>\n

\u201cJoe, it takes time\u2026\u201d<\/p>\n

\u201cI know that,\u201d the boy replied, looking sadly at his father. \u201cBut\u2026\u201d Joe took a deep breath and willed away the tears that threatened to overflow. \u201cIt\u2019s more than just her dying, Pa\u2026\u201d<\/p>\n

\u201cWhat then, Joe\u2026what\u2019s bothering you?\u201d<\/p>\n

Joe looked off into the night, unable to meet his father\u2019s questioning eyes.<\/p>\n

\u201cI\u2026didn\u2019t tell her\u2026goodbye\u2026or at least not like I wanted to. I didn\u2019t really want to say anything\u2026just saying goodbye is so\u2026final.\u201d<\/p>\n

Ben heard the sob caught in his son\u2019s throat.<\/p>\n

\u201cI\u2026didn\u2019t know how to say goodbye properly\u2026but she did\u2026she didn\u2019t actually say goodbye\u2026but what she whispered to me was beautiful\u2026I couldn\u2019t find the right words and then\u2026it was\u2026too late\u2026\u201d<\/p>\n

Joe\u2019s tears spilled over the eye\u2019s rims and he turned to look at his father.<\/p>\n

\u201cI don\u2019t think I like \u2018goodbyes\u2019,\u201d he said softly.<\/p>\n

Ben placed one hand on Joe\u2019s shoulder and used the other to tilt the boy\u2019s head upward so that he could look Joe directly in the eyes.<\/p>\n

\u201cSon, I\u2019ve always told you that dying is part of living\u2026that in order to die, one must live, isn\u2019t that so?\u201d<\/p>\n

\u201cYessir.\u201d<\/p>\n

\u201cThen you need to understand something else. Don\u2019t be dismayed at goodbyes, a farewell is necessary before you can meet again and meeting again, after moments or lifetimes, is certain for those who are friends. Death isn\u2019t the end, it\u2019s the beginning and saying goodbye to someone you love\u2026isn\u2019t final\u2026it\u2019s a promise that someday, you\u2019ll meet that person again. Didn\u2019t I tell you once that you\u2019d see Cassie again\u2026and wasn\u2019t I right?\u201d<\/p>\n

\u201cYessir.\u201d<\/p>\n

\u201cWell, son, I\u2019m saying it again. It is true\u2026you will meet her again, it\u2019s God promise to us\u2026\u201d<\/p>\n

Joe wiped away his tears and smiled for the first time in weeks.<\/p>\n

\u201cCassie believed it too, Pa\u2026she knew it was true\u2026she said to me\u2026 \u2018until we meet again\u2019.\u201d<\/p>\n

\u201cThen believe it, Joe.\u201d<\/p>\n

Joe nodded his head\u2026he did believe because he knew it to be true, they would meet again\u2026but it would be more than half a lifetime away before the big reunion. Until then, he would be busy keeping his promise. Joe\u2019s assumptions about Little Carl would prove to be true. Both he and Carl would have their hands full for many years to come, Carl-the-class-bully would rein again\u2026opening the eyes of his father to see in his son, something he had missed years before\u2026and that something was a close likeness of his former self.
\nTHE END<\/p>\n

October 2005<\/p>\n

 <\/p>\n

 <\/p>\n

<\/div>\n

<\/g><\/svg><\/i> \"Loading\"<\/p>\n

<\/div>\n","protected":false},"excerpt":{"rendered":"

Summary:\u00a0For most of us, saying goodbye to someone you love is often difficult. Joe tells us in his own words how and why it was so hard for him.<\/p>\n

Rated:\u00a0 G\u00a0 (15,750 words)<\/p>\n","protected":false},"author":9052,"featured_media":9859,"comment_status":"open","ping_status":"closed","sticky":false,"template":"template-full-width-post.php","format":"standard","meta":{"jetpack_post_was_ever_published":false,"_jetpack_newsletter_access":"","_jetpack_dont_email_post_to_subs":false,"_jetpack_newsletter_tier_id":0,"_jetpack_memberships_contains_paywalled_content":false,"_jetpack_memberships_contains_paid_content":false,"footnotes":""},"categories":[23,30],"tags":[14,15,17,16],"class_list":["post-12167","post","type-post","status-publish","format-standard","has-post-thumbnail","hentry","category-drama","category-prequels","tag-adam-cartwright","tag-ben","tag-hoss","tag-joe","wpcat-23-id","wpcat-30-id"],"a3_pvc":{"activated":true,"total_views":1379,"today_views":0},"jetpack_featured_media_url":"https:\/\/i0.wp.com\/bonanzabrand.info\/library\/wp-content\/uploads\/2014\/10\/feature-2.jpg?fit=338%2C338&ssl=1","jetpack_likes_enabled":true,"jetpack-related-posts":[{"id":49325,"url":"https:\/\/bonanzabrand.info\/library\/?p=49325","url_meta":{"origin":12167,"position":0},"title":"Love and Sacrifice (by WendyB)","author":"Preserving Their Legacy Author","date":"May 22, 2002","format":false,"excerpt":"Synopsis:\u00a0Hop Sing tells the boys a story after Marie's death. 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