{"id":12174,"date":"2003-01-01T20:43:48","date_gmt":"2003-01-02T01:43:48","guid":{"rendered":"https:\/\/bonanzabrand.info\/library\/?p=12174"},"modified":"2025-02-27T12:07:02","modified_gmt":"2025-02-27T17:07:02","slug":"without-malice-by-debbieb","status":"publish","type":"post","link":"https:\/\/bonanzabrand.info\/library\/?p=12174","title":{"rendered":"Without Malice (by DebbieB)"},"content":{"rendered":"

Summary<\/strong>: \u00a0Little Joe’s best friend is killed in an unfortunate accident and Joe holds himself responsible.\u00a0 How will he ever overcome his guilt?<\/p>\n

Rated G \u00a0WC 8200<\/p>\n

Without Malice<\/strong><\/p>\n

Joe slid down from his horse<\/strong> and quickly dusted the dirt from his trousers.\u00a0 As he tied the reins around the hitching rail, he cast anxious eyes toward the front door of his house, wondering what in the world was he going to tell his father about what had happened.\u00a0 Joe took a deep breath and began slowly walking toward the house.\u00a0 His steps were slow and deliberate, he was stalling, and his mind was zooming through the incidents of the day as he searched for the right words to use.<\/p>\n

 <\/p>\n

Suddenly the front door opened and Ben stepped onto the wide boarded porch.\u00a0 Instantly his face broke into a wide smile when his eyes saw his youngest son.\u00a0 They had however, overlooked the ambivalent expression that was embossed in the handsome features of Joseph\u2019s face, nor did he notice the red puffiness under his son\u2019s eyes, a sure sign that the boy had been crying.<\/p>\n

 <\/p>\n

\u201cWelcome home, son,\u201d greeted Ben, coming to embrace his son in his arms.<\/p>\n

 <\/p>\n

Joe stood as a statue within the warm comforting folds of his father\u2019s embrace.\u00a0 He lowered his forehead onto Ben\u2019s strong shoulders and held it there while his father hugged him.\u00a0 Ben sensed his son\u2019s hesitation, and he could feel the small tremors that coursed through his son\u2019s young, work hardened body as Joe molded himself against Ben\u2019s.\u00a0 Instantly Ben\u2019s parental instinct picked up on his son\u2019s private conflicts.<\/p>\n

 <\/p>\n

\u201cJoseph?\u201d muttered Ben softly, his innermost self, refusing to release his hold on his son.\u00a0 He felt Joe\u2019s need to remain where he was and recognized that Joe was struggling with something that had yet to be voiced.<\/p>\n

 <\/p>\n

Ben heard Joe inhale deeply as if he struggled to get air into his lungs. Being concerned, Ben pressed his opened hand against the back of Joe\u2019s head, his fingers entwining themselves in the thick curls.\u00a0 Joe began to weep deep heart-wrenching sobs that seemed to come from the very deepest pit of his stomach.\u00a0 Joe\u2019s shoulders heaved; his arms at last wrapped themselves around his father\u2019s body as he sobbed.\u00a0 Ben tightened his hold, half supporting the weight of his son with his own arms.\u00a0 Suddenly Joe\u2019s knees buckled, bringing both father and son down into a kneeling position.<\/p>\n

 <\/p>\n

\u201cJoseph, please son, tell me what\u2019s wrong,\u201d pleaded Ben, sudden fear enveloping his heart.\u00a0 \u201cWhat\u2019s happened?\u201d<\/p>\n

 <\/p>\n

Joe\u2019s head moved backward and Ben could see the deep embedded sadness that covered his son\u2019s features and the misery shining in the hazel eyes that held an expanded well of unshed tears just waiting for release.<\/p>\n

 <\/p>\n

Ben cupped the quivering chin, in order to gently force his son to meet his eyes.\u00a0 \u201cJoe\u2026\u201d<\/p>\n

 <\/p>\n

\u201cHe\u2019s dead Pa\u2026he\u2019s dead,\u201d sobbed Joe, unaware that his two older brothers had joined their father and were leaning over their shoulders.<\/p>\n

 <\/p>\n

\u201cWho is dead son?\u201d prompted Ben, his fear seizing his heart tightly now and squeezing it with its strong fingers.<\/p>\n

 <\/p>\n

\u201cIt was my fault\u2026Oh God, Pa\u2026Mitch\u2026he\u2019s dead\u2026and I killed him!\u201d\u00a0 Joe leaned forward, burying his face into his father\u2019s vest once again.\u00a0 Ben wrapped his arms protectively around the sobbing body of his youngest son.\u00a0 His eyes sought Adam\u2019s and then Hoss\u2019, noting the shock that darkened both the hazel and blue eyes of his two older sons.<\/p>\n

 <\/p>\n

Ben gently guided Joe to his feet, holding gently to the trembling shoulders.\u00a0 \u201cLet\u2019s get you inside Joseph, then you can try to tell us what happened.\u201d<\/p>\n

 <\/p>\n

\u201cLet me help you, Short Shanks,\u201d offered Hoss as he slipped his arm around Joe and helped his father guide the distraught young man toward the house.<\/p>\n

 <\/p>\n

Adam hurried ahead to open the door and holding it wide, allowed his father and brother to lead Joe to the settee.\u00a0 As they made Joe comfortable, Adam quickly poured a brandy for his brother and waited until Ben and Hoss moved to the side, then handed him the small goblet.<\/p>\n

 <\/p>\n

Joe glanced upward at his brother and accepted what was handed to him.\u00a0 He sniffed his nose, wiping the sleeve of his shirt across the front of his face and then placed the brandy glass to his lips, tilted back his head and swallowed the drink in one gulp.\u00a0 He handed the glass to his father, his eyes clouded with tears and sorrow.\u00a0 \u201cAnother one,\u201d he whispered.<\/p>\n

 <\/p>\n

\u201cAdam, pour him another drink.\u201d\u00a0 Ben handed the glass to Adam and waited until Adam had poured the brandy, handing it back to his father rather than to Joe.<\/p>\n

 <\/p>\n

Ben held the drink in his hand and gently placed it into Joe\u2019s, holding both of his strong hands around his son\u2019s.\u00a0 \u201cDrink it slow this time, son.\u00a0 Sip it, don\u2019t down it,\u201d he instructed.<\/p>\n

 <\/p>\n

Ben had placed himself on the table in front of Joe where he could clearly see the boy\u2019s face.\u00a0 Hoss sat next to Joe on the settee, his hand still protectively on his brother\u2019s shoulder.\u00a0 Adam stood facing Joe, just slightly behind his father, his jaw clenching slightly as he watched his brother struggling to control himself.<\/p>\n

 <\/p>\n

Joe sipped slowly at the drink, letting the brandy warm him as he fought to restrain his shaking.\u00a0 He offered the glass back to Adam and looked for several long moments into his father\u2019s eyes.\u00a0 There he found the love and comfort he knew that he needed to help him through this devastating occurrence.<\/p>\n

 <\/p>\n

\u201cJoe, what happened?\u00a0 Can you tell us?\u201d asked Adam.<\/p>\n

 <\/p>\n

Joe hung his head, unable to voice his words and shook his head slowly.\u00a0 Ben placed his hand on Joe\u2019s knee.\u00a0 The tender touch brought his head up and he looked again into the eyes of his father.\u00a0 Taking a deep breath, Joe let it expel from his lungs slowly.\u00a0 He cast his eyes around at each member of his family until he worked back to his father.<\/p>\n

 <\/p>\n

\u201cMitch is dead\u2026and it\u2019s my fault\u2026\u201d said Joe in a whispered, raspy voice.<\/p>\n

 <\/p>\n

\u201cHow?\u201d Ben questioned.<\/p>\n

 <\/p>\n

Joe started shaking his head from side to side, prompting Ben to place both of his hands on either side of Joe\u2019s face to stop the nervous action.<\/p>\n

 <\/p>\n

\u201cTell me how\u2026and when, Joseph,\u201d Ben said urgently.\u00a0 Ben saw the tears forming and quickly they boiled over and ran slowly down the front of his son\u2019s face.<\/p>\n

 <\/p>\n

\u201cWe were up at the canyon, hunting that puma that\u2019s been killing our cattle.\u00a0 Mitch thought he saw the cat moving through the rocks, up around that deep gorge.\u201d\u00a0 Joe sniffed his nose and took another breath.\u00a0 \u201cHe wanted to check it out.\u00a0 I tried to warn him about going up there; those rocks are too smooth, and too slick.\u00a0 But he wouldn\u2019t listen and started up anyway.\u00a0 I started after him, thinking he might need some help.\u00a0Well, we made it to the top and that\u2019s when we saw the cat.\u201d<\/p>\n

 <\/p>\n

Joe closed his eyes, his mind playing back the incident as he struggled to find his next words.\u00a0 \u201cWe started after the cat, until we came to that gorge.\u00a0 The puma jumped across so Mitch said we could too.\u00a0 I thought it looked easy\u2026\u201d<\/p>\n

 <\/p>\n

\u201cTell me you didn\u2019t?\u201d\u00a0 Adam, who had remained silent, listening to what his brother was describing, frowned.\u00a0 He knew the gorge; it was no easy feat for a man to jump its width, let alone half-grown boys.<\/p>\n

 <\/p>\n

Joe glanced up at his brother.\u00a0 \u201cI wish a million times over that we hadn\u2019t tried, Adam\u2026but Mitch was so sure he could do it.\u00a0 I went first and made it, when I turned around, Mitch tossed me his rifle and then backed up to get a running start.\u00a0 He jumped, but he jumped too short and missed the opposite edge.\u00a0 I tried to grab his hand to pull him up and I did at first, but\u2026but\u2026\u201d<\/p>\n

 <\/p>\n

Ben watched as Joe\u2019s chest began to heave as his breathing became labored.\u00a0 He quickly moved to his son\u2019s side, and wrapped his arms around Joe\u2019s heaving shoulders.<\/p>\n

 <\/p>\n

Joe instantly buried his face against his father.\u00a0 \u201cI couldn\u2019t hold him, Pa\u2026I tried to pull him up, but he kept slipping.\u00a0 His eyes were watching my face\u2026the look\u2026I\u2019ll never forget the fear in his eyes.\u00a0 I started slipping too, and Mitch began screaming at me to turn him loose.\u201d<\/p>\n

 <\/p>\n

Joe was practically panting for breath.\u00a0 Adam quickly poured another brandy and handed it to his father.\u00a0 Ben placed the drink to Joe\u2019s lips, holding the goblet while Joe took a sip.<\/p>\n

 <\/p>\n

\u201cI couldn\u2019t turn him loose\u2026I kept yelling at him to push himself up but he had on his gloves and I could feel them slipping off his hands. I started sliding closer to the edge and Mitch must have known cause he began yelling at me to let him go\u2026but I couldn\u2019t\u2026then one hand slipped free and he was dangling by one arm.\u201d\u00a0 Joe began to pant.<\/p>\n

 <\/p>\n

\u201cPa\u2026he started crying, \u2018don\u2019t let me die, don\u2019t let me die\u2019\u2026Oh God\u2026Pa, I couldn\u2019t hold him\u2026he fell\u2026and all I could see was the terrifying look on his face\u2026his eyes locked into mine\u2026and I\u2026I\u2026OH GOD!\u201d\u00a0Joe broke completely down.\u00a0 His weeping tore at the hearts of the men who tried to comfort him.<\/p>\n

 <\/p>\n

Ben\u2019s eyes had filled with tears.\u00a0 He rocked gently back and forth, holding his youngest and most enduring child in his arms.\u00a0 Hoss sniffed his nose, causing Ben to look up.\u00a0 He saw the tears that rolled unchecked down the rotund face of his middle son.\u00a0 Adam had dropped his head onto his hand where his fingers gently pinched the bridge of his nose.\u00a0 Each of the Cartwrights was feeling the pain that their youngest family member was suffering, for Mitch had been a life long friend of Joe\u2019s and they felt his lost nearly as much as their brother.<\/p>\n

 <\/p>\n

Adam stood to his feet, towering over his father and brother. \u00a0\u201cJoe, where is Mitch\u2019s body now?\u201d<\/p>\n

 <\/p>\n

Joe pulled back from his father and wiped his eyes.\u00a0 \u201cMr. Devlin\u2026and Mitch\u2019s brothers helped me get him out of the gorge\u2026they took him\u2026home.\u201d\u00a0 Joe\u2019s lip began quivering uncontrollably; \u201cPa, I couldn\u2019t help it\u2026\u201d Sobs caught in Joe\u2019s throat, choking off his words.<\/p>\n

 <\/p>\n

\u201cCome on son, let\u2019s get you upstairs and into bed.\u00a0 You need to lie down for awhile.\u201d<\/p>\n

 <\/p>\n

Ben gently pulled Joe to his feet and helped him toward the stairs.\u00a0 Ben glanced at Hoss and Adam and whispered.\u00a0 \u201cOne of you go for the doctor, and one of you ride over to the Devlin\u2019s.\u00a0 Tell Charlie I\u2019ll be there as soon as I can, right now, Joe needs my attention.\u201d<\/p>\n

 <\/p>\n

\u201cYes sir,\u201d responded Hoss, \u201cI\u2019ll go for the doctor.\u201d<\/p>\n

 <\/p>\n

\u201cI\u2019ll head over to the Devlin\u2019s.\u00a0 Pa?\u201d Adam paused.<\/p>\n

 <\/p>\n

Ben stopped on the landing; Joe standing in front of him stopped as well.\u00a0 \u201cYes son?\u201d<\/p>\n

 <\/p>\n

Adam swallowed, not sure whether to voice his fear or not.<\/p>\n

 <\/p>\n

\u201cWell?\u201d Ben pressured.<\/p>\n

 <\/p>\n

\u201cWhat if Mr. Devlin doesn\u2019t want me there?\u201d Adam risked.<\/p>\n

 <\/p>\n

Joe\u2019s head spun around, glaring at his brother.\u00a0 \u201cWhy wouldn\u2019t he want you there?\u201d<\/p>\n

 <\/p>\n

\u201cI didn\u2019t say he wouldn\u2019t Joe, I only meant that perhaps, he might\u2026\u201d stammered Adam, suddenly wishing that he had kept his thoughts to himself and just ridden out.<\/p>\n

 <\/p>\n

\u201cThink I killed Mitch, is that what you were going to say?\u201d shouted Joe.<\/p>\n

 <\/p>\n

\u201cJoseph, calm down, son.\u201d\u00a0 Ben placed his hand on Joe\u2019s shoulder, but could do nothing to still his son\u2019s own self hate.<\/p>\n

 <\/p>\n

\u201cNo, Joe, I wasn\u2019t going to say that,\u201d snapped Adam, wishing he could kick himself for even thinking such a thought as Mr. Devlin holding Joe to blame.\u00a0 It was plain to see that his little brother held enough blame without making him think that others might blame him as well.<\/p>\n

 <\/p>\n

\u201cYes you did, you think that Mr. Devlin blames me, don\u2019t you?\u00a0 You probably blame me too, all of you.\u00a0 Well thanks for nothing, big brother!\u201d shouted Joe, turning and stomping his way slowly up the steps.<\/p>\n

 <\/p>\n

\u201cI\u2019m sorry, Pa.\u00a0 I didn\u2019t mean to make him think\u2026\u201d started Adam.<\/p>\n

 <\/p>\n

\u201cI know you didn\u2019t son.\u00a0 He\u2019s just upset and frightened, that\u2019s all.\u00a0 He\u2019s lost his best friend, and he thinks he\u2019s to blame.\u00a0 He\u2019s hurting Adam, nothing more.\u00a0 Now please, both of you go.\u00a0 Hoss, tell Paul that Joe needs something to help him rest.\u201d<\/p>\n

 <\/p>\n

\u201cSure \u2018nough, Pa, come on Adam, let\u2019s ride.\u201d<\/p>\n

 <\/p>\n

Adam paused just long enough to watch his younger brother make his way up to the top of the stairs.\u00a0 Joe walked as if he were a man going to his own hanging, his shoulders slumped and his feet seemed to be weighted down as he labored to put one foot in front of the other.<\/p>\n

 <\/p>\n

Joe paused at the top and turned back to say something to his father who was close behind him.\u00a0 He saw Adam still standing in the doorway watching him but he could not force his eyes to turn away.<\/p>\n

 <\/p>\n

Joe took a deep breath, steadying himself.\u00a0 \u201cI\u2019m sorry Adam, for snapping at you,\u201d Joe called out before Adam closed the door.<\/p>\n

 <\/p>\n

\u201cIt\u2019s all right Joe, I know how you must feel,\u201d said Adam, remembering another time, another place, and another best friend.\u00a0 \u201cI\u2019ll see ya later kid, you get some rest.\u201d\u00a0 Adam flashed a smile at Joe though it never fully reached his eyes.\u00a0 Yes, he thought as he shut the door, he understood Joe\u2019s pain.<\/p>\n

 <\/p>\n

 <\/p>\n

Joe made no fuss about lying down for awhile.\u00a0 He was exhausted, bone weary and emotionally drained.\u00a0 As he sat on the edge of his bed, he pulled first one boot off, then the other and tossed them into the middle of the floor.\u00a0 Ben frowned slightly, the expression lost on his youngest son as he bent to retrieve Joe\u2019s boots and placed them neatly at the foot of the bed.\u00a0 Ben watched as the trousers were slung to the floor and waited until Joe\u2019s shirt landed on top of the pants before gathering them up into his arms.<\/p>\n

 <\/p>\n

Joe pushed back the covers and all but fell into his bed, his eyes already shut by the time his head touched his pillows.\u00a0 Ben pulled the blankets over Joe\u2019s body to keep off a chill, and leaned down to place a kiss on his son\u2019s brow.\u00a0 Joe\u2019s eyes popped opened, staring into the face of his father.\u00a0 His expression was one of sheer misery as Ben gently brushed away the stray tear that slipped from the corner of Joe\u2019s eyes.<\/p>\n

 <\/p>\n

\u201cTry to rest son,\u201d whispered Ben softly.<\/p>\n

 <\/p>\n

\u201cI\u2019ll try, but I don\u2019t know if I can\u2026Pa\u2026\u201d Joe\u2019s voice began to quiver.\u00a0 \u201cWe shouldn\u2019t have gone up to the gorge.\u201d\u00a0 Ben heard Joe gulp.<\/p>\n

 <\/p>\n

Joe was right thought Ben, the boys should not have gone to the canyon at all.\u00a0 Both Mitch and Joseph knew that it was a dangerous place to be, but, they weren\u2019t boys any more, they were young men.\u00a0 Ben would have liked for Joe to remain a boy, just a little longer.\u00a0 But he was wise enough to understand that there comes a time when a father has to step aside and let his sons prove to themselves that they are ready to take on the responsibility of manhood.<\/p>\n

 <\/p>\n

\u201cJoseph,\u201d<\/p>\n

 <\/p>\n

\u201cPa\u2026you don\u2019t understand\u2026it was my idea to hunt the puma in the first place and when we saw that it was heading for the canyon\u2026it was my idea to follow it.\u00a0 Mitch didn\u2019t want to go\u2026not at first, but I talked him into it.\u00a0 By the time we\u2019d track the cat to the gorge, I was tired and wanted to turn back, but Mitch wouldn\u2019t hear of it, he was determined to find that cat.\u00a0 I turned back after a while, cause I didn\u2019t like being up there at the top of that gorge, but then Mitch yelled at me that he found more tracks so I went back.\u00a0 Pa\u2026it was my fault that Mitch got killed\u2026\u201d<\/p>\n

 <\/p>\n

\u201cNo son\u2026\u201d began Ben.<\/p>\n

 <\/p>\n

\u201cYes it was!\u00a0 Pa\u2026if I hadn\u2019t of suggested that we hunt that cat in the first place, Mitch would still be alive.\u201d\u00a0 Joe turned his face into the pillow and began crying.\u00a0 \u201cI killed him\u2026don\u2019t you understand that?\u00a0 I killed my best friend.\u201d<\/p>\n

 <\/p>\n

Ben pulled Joe up and around so that he could face his son.\u00a0 \u201cLook at me Joseph,\u201d ordered Ben.\u00a0 \u201cYou did no such of a thing.\u00a0 Mitch made his own decision to go along with you, you didn\u2019t force him to go\u2026\u201d<\/p>\n

 <\/p>\n

\u201cPA!\u00a0 I dropped him, I let go of his hand\u2026and he fell to his death!\u00a0 How can you say it wasn\u2019t my fault, it was\u2026it was\u2026\u201d<\/p>\n

 <\/p>\n

Ben pulled Joe into his arms and held him while Joe cried out his frustrations.\u00a0 \u201cShh\u2026son, we\u2019ll get through this, I promise, I promise!\u201d<\/p>\n

 <\/p>\n

 <\/p>\n

Hoss arrived back with Doc Martin following close behind on his heels.\u00a0 \u201cHe\u2019s upstairs, Doc, go on up,\u201d Hoss pointed to the top of the stairs.<\/p>\n

 <\/p>\n

Paul nodded his head, \u201cI think I remember the way.\u201d<\/p>\n

 <\/p>\n

Hoss turned just in time to see the tiny smile that the family physician gave to him and finished taking off his gun belt and holster before following after the doctor.<\/p>\n

 <\/p>\n

Paul tapped softly on the door while gently pushing it opened.\u00a0 Ben was bent over his son but raised his head slightly to greet the physician.\u00a0 \u201cHe\u2019s finally asleep,\u201d whispered Ben.<\/p>\n

 <\/p>\n

Paul set his black bag on the table next to the bed and turned to gaze at his patient.\u00a0 Gently he pressed the back of his hand to Joe\u2019s forehead, and picking up Joe\u2019s wrist, checked the boy\u2019s pulse.<\/p>\n

 <\/p>\n

\u201cSeems fine, Ben,\u201d Paul said softly over his shoulder as he tucked Joe\u2019s arm beneath the blankets.\u00a0 Paul turned to Ben, a serious expression on his face as he stepped away from the bed.\u00a0 \u201cLet\u2019s go downstairs and so we can talk, that way we won\u2019t wake him,\u201d Paul whispered.<\/p>\n

 <\/p>\n

Ben nodded his head in agreement and opened the door waiting for Paul to lead the way out.\u00a0 As Ben pulled the door closed, he glanced once more at his sleeping son.\u00a0 Joe had repositioned himself in the bed and seemed to be resting comfortably.<\/p>\n

 <\/p>\n

Down stairs, Ben was surprised to find Roy Coffee talking quietly with Hoss.\u00a0 The conversation ceased when Paul and Ben reached the bottom of the steps.<\/p>\n

 <\/p>\n

Hoss, his head hung low, glanced sideways at his father, \u201cHmm\u2026Pa, Roy needs to talk to Little Joe,\u201d he muttered.<\/p>\n

 <\/p>\n

Ben seemed surprised but quickly checked himself.\u00a0 \u201cWhat\u2019s this about Roy?\u00a0 Joe\u2019s resting, he\u2019s pretty upset about what happened this afternoon.\u201d<\/p>\n

 <\/p>\n

\u201cI\u2019m sure he is Ben.\u00a0 There\u2019s no need to wake him, I can talk to him tomorrow, I just need to ask him some questions, that\u2019s all,\u201d Roy said, tapping the tips of this fingers together.<\/p>\n

 <\/p>\n

\u201cYou still didn\u2019t say why you have to speak to Joe.\u00a0 Is it because of the accident?\u201d Ben moved to his chair and lowered his body wearily onto the cushions.\u00a0 He was tired, his body ached and he was worried about his son\u2019s emotional condition.<\/p>\n

 <\/p>\n

\u201cIt\u2019s just routine Ben, nothing more.\u00a0 I just need to have the facts about what happened up there today, just in case\u2026\u201d started Roy.<\/p>\n

 <\/p>\n

Ben stood to his feet, his eyes growing dark, \u201cjust in case what?\u201d<\/p>\n

 <\/p>\n

\u201cNow Ben, calm down\u2026\u201d Roy sputtered.<\/p>\n

 <\/p>\n

\u201cDon\u2019t tell me to calm down, Roy!\u00a0 You have known Joseph half his life, just what are you implying?\u201d Ben all but shouted.<\/p>\n

 <\/p>\n

\u201cI\u2019ve known Mitch Devlin half of his life as well, I know those two boys had a serious argument in the bar the other night and ripped the place to pieces.\u00a0 I just need to question Joe that\u2019s all Ben.\u00a0 I just want to be sure that there was no ill feelings between the two boys,\u201d Roy explained.<\/p>\n

 <\/p>\n

Ben tossed his hands up in exasperation, \u201cOh for heaven\u2019s sake Roy, the boys were best friends.\u00a0 Besides, they were always fighting with each other about one thing or another, but they always made up, they\u2019re just kids Roy, boys!\u201d<\/p>\n

 <\/p>\n

\u201cPa?\u201d<\/p>\n

 <\/p>\n

All heads turned to the top of the stairs, bringing an end to the conversation.\u00a0 Ben hurried forward as Joe slowly made his way down, stopping on the last step.<\/p>\n

 <\/p>\n

\u201cWhat\u2019s all the shouting?\u201d he asked.<\/p>\n

 <\/p>\n

Ben placed his hand on Joe\u2019s shoulder and offered what he hoped would be a reassuring smile.\u00a0 \u201cWe weren\u2019t shouting son, just talking\u2026probably a little too loud.\u00a0 We didn\u2019t mean to wake you.\u201d<\/p>\n

 <\/p>\n

Hoss moved from the blue chair where he had made himself comfortable during his father\u2019s debate with the sheriff.\u00a0 Paul wormed his way between the men in the room to stand in front of Joe, who had taken his brother\u2019s place in the blue chair.<\/p>\n

 <\/p>\n

\u201cHow are you feeling, Joe?\u201d Paul said, hoping to divert the conversation away from why Roy was here.<\/p>\n

 <\/p>\n

Joe glanced around the room and noted the varied expressions on the faces of each man.\u00a0 \u201cI\u2019m fine, really,\u201d he told Paul.<\/p>\n

 <\/p>\n

\u201cJoseph, you should be in the bed, son, why don\u2019t you let Hoss take you back upstairs, while I see the sheriff out?\u201d Ben\u2019s expression was the one that held Joe\u2019s attention.\u00a0 His father\u2019s eyes were dark with what Joe recognized as anger, but he wasn\u2019t sure as to why his father might be.<\/p>\n

 <\/p>\n

\u201cRoy, did you come to see me?\u201d Joe asked unexpectedly.<\/p>\n

 <\/p>\n

Ben\u2019s eyes widened, Hoss turned his head to avoid looking at Joe or his father.<\/p>\n

 <\/p>\n

\u201cYes, I did Joe.\u00a0 But I think it can wait until tomorrow, when you\u2019ve rest up some.\u00a0 Ben, if you\u2019ll excuse me, I\u2019ll be going,\u201d Roy picked nervously at the rim of his hat as he nodded his head at each man.<\/p>\n

 <\/p>\n

Joe stood to his feet; glancing again at his father and seeing the look of relief replace the anger that had been so visible moments before.<\/p>\n

 <\/p>\n

\u201cNo, don\u2019t go Sheriff, I\u2019m plenty able to talk.\u00a0 What\u2019s wrong?\u201d Joe asked, moving to stand between his father and brother.<\/p>\n

 <\/p>\n

Roy briefly glanced up at Ben and then at Hoss.\u00a0 They towered over the youngest Cartwright, each unknowingly using their bodies as a protective shield against anyone or anything that might threaten harm to their loved one.<\/p>\n

 <\/p>\n

\u201cI just need to ask you a few questions about what happened today, if you\u2019re up to it, son,\u201d Roy explained.<\/p>\n

 <\/p>\n

Paul, who had kept quiet during the exchange between Ben and Roy, moved closer to Joe, he had seen the troubled expression on the boy\u2019s face and thought it best to be close by.<\/p>\n

 <\/p>\n

\u201cWhat kind of questions, Roy?\u201d asked Hoss.\u00a0 \u201cI mean, Joe\u2019s had a mighty hard day and all\u2026I\u2026\u201d<\/p>\n

 <\/p>\n

\u201cIt\u2019s okay Hoss, really,\u201d Joe gave his protective brother a small smile.\u00a0 \u201cWhat do you want to know, Roy?\u00a0 If you\u2019re thinking there was hard feelings between us, the answer is no.\u00a0 Mitch and I did argue that night in town, but by the time we went home, everything was settled between us.\u00a0 We never stayed mad at each other for very long\u2026\u201d Joe paused, and dropped his head, unable to continue.<\/p>\n

 <\/p>\n

\u201cJoe, I had to be sure\u2026I mean, if\u2026\u201d stammered Roy.\u00a0 There were times he thought silently that he hated his job, and this was one of those times.<\/p>\n

 <\/p>\n

\u201cIf what Roy?\u201d asked Adam who had just come in the door and had overheard the sheriff\u2019s statement.\u00a0 \u201cIf someone should start asking questions?\u00a0 Is that what you were implying?\u201d\u00a0 Adam jerked off his coat and tossed it across the back of the settee and marched over to his younger brother.<\/p>\n

 <\/p>\n

Adam squatted down in front of the chair, facing Joe.\u00a0 \u201cJoe, Mr. and Mrs. Devlin wanted me to tell you that they, in no way, hold you responsible for what happened.\u00a0 They realize that it was an accident and that you tried your very best to keep Mitch from falling. They said to tell you that they are glad that you are all right.\u201d<\/p>\n

 <\/p>\n

Joe had dropped his head, the lump that had formed in his throat felt as if it were choking him.\u00a0 He glanced up just enough to look his brother in the eyes, his own eyes filling with tears.<\/p>\n

 <\/p>\n

\u201cThanks for telling me, Adam,\u201d Joe said in a soft voice.\u00a0 \u201cBut it still doesn\u2019t bring my best friend back.\u201d<\/p>\n

 <\/p>\n

Joe stood to his feet and turned toward the stairs.\u00a0 Slowly he began to make his way upward, followed by the doctor.\u00a0 Paul stopped on the landing and turned to Ben who had fallen into step behind him.<\/p>\n

 <\/p>\n

\u201cI\u2019m going to give him something to help him sleep, Ben.\u00a0 He needs to rest.\u00a0 Roy?\u201d Paul called over his shoulder; \u201cI\u2019ll ride back into town with you if you don\u2019t mind waiting just a few more minutes.\u00a0 You can finish your questioning another day.\u201d<\/p>\n

 <\/p>\n

Roy glanced around at Hoss and Adam and noted how they seemed preoccupied.\u00a0 \u201cI think I found out all I need to know.\u00a0 You go ahead, I\u2019ll wait outside for you,\u201d he called.<\/p>\n

 <\/p>\n

\u201cNight boys.\u00a0 I hope you understand that I was only doin\u2019 my duty,\u201d Roy said.<\/p>\n

 <\/p>\n

Hoss scrunched up his face, \u201cYeah, we understand Roy.\u00a0 It\u2019s jist that Joe\u2019s blamin\u2019 himself for what happened, we didn\u2019t want him anymore upset than what he already is and if he thinks folks hereabouts is gonna blame him, then it\u2019ll only make it harder on the boy.\u201d<\/p>\n

 <\/p>\n

Roy nodded his head in agreement.\u00a0 \u201cLooky boys, I understand all that, but I gotta make certain, just in case someone questions what happened.\u00a0 A lot of people overheard that argument them boys had the other night and some might not know that them two were just about as close as any of you.\u00a0 It\u2019s for Joe\u2019s own well-being that I have to ask.\u201d<\/p>\n

 <\/p>\n

\u201cWe understand Roy, I\u2019m not sure Joe does though,\u201d commented Adam.\u00a0 \u201cI\u2019ll have a talk with him tomorrow.\u00a0 I know first hand what he is going through.\u201d\u00a0 Adam turned away to stare into the flickering flames that popped and crackled in the fireplace.\u00a0 Another face loomed before his eyes, his friend\u2019s face, his best friend, Ross.<\/p>\n

 <\/p>\n

 <\/p>\n

Ben and the doctor waited patiently while Joe slipped his trousers off and crawled into the bed.\u00a0 Paul had mixed Joe a sleeping powder and handed him the glass of water to drink.<\/p>\n

 <\/p>\n

\u201cThis will help you rest better, Joe.\u00a0 Drink all of it, please,\u201d Paul smiled, holding the glass at arm\u2019s length toward his patient.<\/p>\n

 <\/p>\n

Joe cast his eyes up at his father, silently trusting his father to make the decision for him to accept the medication.\u00a0 \u201cGo ahead, son,\u201d Ben encouraged.<\/p>\n

 <\/p>\n

Joe took the glass from the doctor and slowly brought the rim of the glass to his lips.\u00a0 He detested taking the sleeping powders but he knew that without this particular one, sleep would be long in coming.\u00a0 And Joe wanted to go to sleep; he wanted to drift from the real world where sadness and guilt left him feeling lonely and afraid.\u00a0 Taking a deep breath, Joe turned the liquid up and swallowed the entire glassful without stopping.<\/p>\n

 <\/p>\n

Ben took the empty glass from his son\u2019s hand and smiled down at Joe, who snuggled down into the warmth and seemingly security of the pile of blankets.<\/p>\n

 <\/p>\n

\u201cI\u2019ll check in on you tomorrow, Joe,\u201d Paul explained as he moved to the door.\u00a0 \u201cBen, give him another one of these if he gets too restless.\u00a0 I have a notion that he is in for some long nights ahead.\u00a0 He seems rather dazed about everything that\u2019s happened.\u00a0 I suspect that in a few hours, after he has had time to rest a little, things are likely to hit him pretty hard.\u00a0 He\u2019s a very sensitive young man, Ben, and his friend\u2019s death and his part in it, might become somewhat overwhelming for him,\u201d whispered Paul, standing just outside of the room where Joe was now almost asleep.<\/p>\n

 <\/p>\n

\u201cThanks, Paul, I\u2019ll keep a close eye on him,\u201d promised Ben.\u00a0 Ben glanced back over his shoulder at his son.\u00a0 Joe had closed his eyes, but Ben could tell by his son\u2019s breathing that Joe had yet to be sleeping soundly.<\/p>\n

 <\/p>\n

Ben closed the door softly and returned to the bedside.\u00a0 Joe sensed his father\u2019s comforting presence and opened his eyes, seeing his father\u2019s face above him.\u00a0 Joe studied his father\u2019s expression for several moments and saw, in the warm chocolate eyes everything that he had known would be there.<\/p>\n

 <\/p>\n

\u201cPa\u2026\u201d Joe whispered.<\/p>\n

 <\/p>\n

Ben, who in return, had been studying Joe\u2019s face, lowered himself onto the edge of the bed.\u00a0 His hand seemed to have a will of it\u2019s own as Ben\u2019s fingers tenderly brushed back the soft dark ringlets from his son\u2019s brow.<\/p>\n

 <\/p>\n

\u201cYes, son?\u201d<\/p>\n

 <\/p>\n

Joe\u2019s eyes slowly began to fill with water and he fought with his inner self to keep them from trickling down the sides of his face.<\/p>\n

 <\/p>\n

\u201cI\u2026I\u2026\u201d Joe squeezed his eyes tightly closed to shut out the memory of the face with the frightened blue eyes, that flashed before his own.<\/p>\n

 <\/p>\n

\u201cShh\u2026It\u2019s okay, son,\u201d Ben said, soothingly as he took his son\u2019s hand into his.\u00a0 It was then that he noticed the bruises that appeared in the palm of Joe\u2019s left hand and turning the hand over, Ben found more, smaller bruises on the ends of each finger.\u00a0 A raw, tender scrap had peeled away the top layer of skin from the underside of Joe\u2019s hand where he had held tightly to his friend\u2019s own hand in a futile attempt to keep Mitch from falling to his death.<\/p>\n

 <\/p>\n

Joe had seen his father\u2019s face change as Ben stared at the hand he held in his own.\u00a0 Joe watched half frightened, by the look that seemed to cloud his father\u2019s eyes and without realizing what he was doing, wrapped his slender fingers around his father\u2019s hand.\u00a0 It felt good, holding on to his father\u2019s hand.\u00a0 Ben\u2019s hand was like a life line for his tortured soul and Joe squeezed the work-worn, callused hand that had, more times than not, made him feel loved and safe.<\/p>\n

 <\/p>\n

\u201cI wish\u2026I mean\u2026\u201d he faltered, searching his mind for the right words.\u00a0 Joe opened his eyes; Ben\u2019s face was inches from his own and Joe pulled his hand free of his father\u2019s and raised his up to brush at his father\u2019s cheek.\u00a0 Ben heard Joe sigh deeply; he could feel the boy\u2019s pain, his grief and his son\u2019s guilt.<\/p>\n

 <\/p>\n

\u201cSaying I\u2019m sorry\u2026just doesn\u2019t seem like much, not when the Devlin\u2019s have lost so much more,\u201d cried Joe, the tears spilling from the ponds behind the hazel coloring of the boy\u2019s eyes.<\/p>\n

 <\/p>\n

Ben wiped away the moisture with his thumb and planted a kiss on Joe\u2019s brow.\u00a0 No matter how old his youngest son lived to be, Joseph would always be his baby, and right now, Ben ached for his youngest child.<\/p>\n

 <\/p>\n

\u201cI know it doesn\u2019t appear to be much right now, son.\u00a0 But the Devlins, all of them, know that you did everything humanly possible to save Mitch\u2019s life, short of loosing your own.\u00a0 Someday, soon I hope, you will realize that, and when you do, maybe then you can forgive yourself\u2026.\u201d<\/p>\n

 <\/p>\n

\u201cHow did you know\u2026I mean\u2026how I felt\u2026\u201d stammered Joe.<\/p>\n

 <\/p>\n

Ben smiled softly.\u00a0 \u201cBecause I know my son.\u00a0 I know how you think, I know what you\u2019re feeling, and I know how much you cared about Mitch.\u201d<\/p>\n

 <\/p>\n

\u201cNext to Hoss\u2026he was my best friend\u2026I only wish\u2026I wish I could have saved him,\u201d whispered Joe.<\/p>\n

 <\/p>\n

\u201cI know that, son.\u00a0 But sometimes, things happen.\u00a0 Sometimes, they\u2019re good things, other times; they\u2019re not so good.\u00a0 Mitch must have known that you couldn\u2019t hold him, that\u2019s why he begged you let him go, he was afraid of taking you over the edge with him\u2026.\u201d<\/p>\n

 <\/p>\n

\u201cBut Pa, he also begged me not to let him die\u2026and I did.\u201d Joe began crying.<\/p>\n

 <\/p>\n

\u201cNo son, you didn\u2019t let<\/em> him die, you tried everything in your power to keep him from <\/em>dying.\u00a0 Don\u2019t you see son?\u00a0 Mitch knew that if you continued to hold on to him, both of you would die, he\u2026\u201d<\/p>\n

 <\/p>\n

Joe\u2019s eyes darted to his father\u2019s face.\u00a0 \u201cAre you saying that Mitch chose to die rather than to see me die?\u201d<\/p>\n

 <\/p>\n

\u201cI\u2019m saying Joseph, that for Mitch to beg you to turn him lose, he had to know that both of you were in danger of falling and that there was nothing that could be done to help him, so he chose to save you instead of himself.\u00a0 Joe\u2026\u201d<\/p>\n

 <\/p>\n

\u201cBut why did he start begging for me not to let him die?\u00a0 I\u2019m confused\u2026I mean\u2026I know that he realized that I couldn\u2019t hold on for much longer\u2026but, to want to die?\u00a0 Then beg me not to let him?\u201d\u00a0 Joe pressed the palms of his hands against his eyes.\u00a0 \u201cI can still see his face, Pa\u2026his eyes\u2026they were looking right into mine\u2026\u201d<\/p>\n

 <\/p>\n

\u201cJoseph, when he realized you couldn\u2019t hold on to him, and that you were very near to falling also, that\u2019s when Mitch begged you to let go, once you lost your grip on him and the gloves slid off, Mitch knew he was falling.\u00a0 Joe, it was only human nature to cry out for you not to let him die.\u201d\u00a0 Ben watched the chain of emotions that crossed his son\u2019s face as Joe tried to soak in his words.<\/p>\n

 <\/p>\n

\u201cYou would have asked the same thing of Mitch, if it had been you hanging by a thread, wouldn\u2019t you?\u00a0 I mean, if you thought that Mitch were going to fall to his death because of hanging on to you, wouldn\u2019t you have begged him to let you fall instead, if there had been no way he could have held you?\u201d Ben asked.<\/p>\n

 <\/p>\n

Joe thought only briefly before nodding his head.\u00a0 \u201cYeah, I suppose I would have.\u00a0 I wouldn\u2019t of wanted him to die, cause of me.\u201d<\/p>\n

 <\/p>\n

\u201cThen think about what was going through Mitch\u2019s mind at the time.\u00a0 He wasn\u2019t thinking about himself, Joe, he was thinking about your life.\u201d<\/p>\n

 <\/p>\n

Joe held his father\u2019s stance, searching deeply into the depths of his father\u2019s heart, through Ben\u2019s dark, loving eyes.\u00a0 His father wouldn\u2019t lie to him, just to make him feel better, that Joe knew as truth, so it must have been as Ben suggested.<\/p>\n

 <\/p>\n

\u201cPa, do you think Mitch knew that I did all I could?\u201d asked Joe in a tiny voice.\u00a0 \u201cDo you think he\u2019s up there,\u201d Joe nodded his head upward, toward heaven, \u201cblamin\u2019 me?\u201d<\/p>\n

 <\/p>\n

Ben smiled as his hand caressed the tear-dampened cheek.\u00a0 \u201cHe\u2019s up there all right, but he\u2019s not blaming you, son.\u00a0 You see I don\u2019t believe for one minute that Mitch could hold any malice in his heart for what you tried to do.\u00a0 Mitch loved you liked a brother, almost as much as Adam and Hoss love you, and you loved him the same way.\u00a0 We aren\u2019t suppose to understand everything that happens to us during neither our lifetime nor the reasons behind why those things happen.\u00a0 We\u2019re only suppose to trust that God is in control of it all, after that, it is up to us to go on with our lives and live the very best way that we know how.\u00a0 It\u2019s the golden rule, Joseph, to do unto others, as we would have others do unto us.\u00a0 It\u2019s what Mitch did for you, not what you couldn\u2019t do for Mitch.\u00a0 Mitch knew you did your best, and Mitch made the choice, who would live and who would die.\u00a0 He died to save his best friend, the same as you would have done.\u201d<\/p>\n

 <\/p>\n

\u201cSon, it isn\u2019t the good times or the bad times that shape our lives, but the way in which we deal with those times, that make us who we are.\u00a0 Do you understand that, Joe?\u201d<\/p>\n

 <\/p>\n

Joe\u2019s eyelids were growing heavy, but he fought against the powerful medicine that lured him into sleep.\u00a0 \u201cI think so, Pa\u2026I just don\u2019t understand why Mitch had to be the one, instead of me\u2026I mean, I feel guilty about his dying and my being\u2026well, alive.\u201d<\/p>\n

 <\/p>\n

\u201cJoe, it isn\u2019t really so hard to understand.\u00a0 You see, son, each and every one of us have only so much time allotted here on earth\u2026and when our days are up, we\u2019re called home, to heaven.\u00a0 God doesn\u2019t tell us ahead of time how much time we have or how, when our time is up, the ways that He will call us home.\u00a0 He just does it.\u00a0 It was Mitch\u2019s time to go, not yours.\u201d\u00a0 Ben brushed again at the curls that drooped forward and smiled at his son.<\/p>\n

 <\/p>\n

\u201cWhy don\u2019t you get some rest, son?\u00a0 I\u2019ll stay right here until you fall asleep, if you want me too?\u201d\u00a0 Ben rearranged the covers and leaned forward to kiss his son\u2019s cheek.\u00a0 \u201cI love you, Joseph,\u201d whispered Ben, watching the hazel eyes disappear behind the closing lids.<\/p>\n

 <\/p>\n

\u201cI\u2026love you\u2026too,\u201d muttered Joe, sleeping at last.<\/p>\n

 <\/p>\n

 <\/p>\n

Ben settled himself into the comforts of the old chair and leaned back.\u00a0 Soon he was sleeping as well, content for now, that his son had found a measure of comfort in his words.<\/p>\n

 <\/p>\n

This became the routine as the long sleepless nights turned into weeks.\u00a0 Joe would wake up screaming, his brow soaked with sweat and his breathing irregular.\u00a0 Ben would rush to his son\u2019s bedside to comfort Joe and remain there until the boy had either fallen back to sleep or until the sun made it\u2019s appearance the next morning.<\/p>\n

 <\/p>\n

Ben had tried talking to his son, but it seemed like Joe turned a deaf ear.\u00a0 The boy had convinced himself that his friend\u2019s death had truly been his fault.\u00a0 Adam took his brother for long rides, hoping against hope that something he would say or do would convince Joe otherwise.\u00a0 Hoss was constantly by Joe\u2019s side.\u00a0 The younger brother had slipped so far into a state of depression that it worried the family, thus the reason for one or the other of his brothers to be constantly nearby.\u00a0 Hoss, who adored his younger brother, volunteered for the job.\u00a0 Joe and Hoss worked side by side daily.\u00a0 Joe was aware of what his family was attempting to do for him, at times the closeness grated on his nerves.\u00a0 He held his tongue until it got to the point that he could no longer stand it.<\/p>\n

 <\/p>\n

\u201cLook Hoss, leave me alone.\u00a0 I\u2019m tired of tripping over your big clubfeet.\u00a0 I\u2019m going home and going to bed!\u201d shouted Joe as he swung unto his pinto and took off at a gallop.<\/p>\n

 <\/p>\n

Hoss stared at his brother\u2019s retreating back.\u00a0 \u201cJOSEPH,\u201d shouted Hoss, tossing down his tools and mounting his own horse to chase after his brother.<\/p>\n

 <\/p>\n

Thus the days dragged on and regrettably, so did the nights, until late one night\u2026<\/p>\n

 <\/p>\n

 <\/p>\n

Joe\u2019s eyes were blinded by the brightness of the glowing light.\u00a0 His steps seemed light, as if he weighed nothing and when he walked, he bounced.\u00a0 He was puzzled by his surroundings; everything seemed to glow in the warm radiate light that shone all around him.\u00a0 In the distance, he thought he could hear someone calling his name.\u00a0 Joe stopped; his body seemed to float along, making him dizzy.\u00a0 He listened, yes someone was calling out to him, but who?<\/p>\n

 <\/p>\n

\u201cPa?\u00a0 Is that you?\u201d he shouted.\u00a0 \u201cAdam?\u00a0 Hoss, where are you?\u201d he heard himself yell.<\/p>\n

 <\/p>\n

Joe spun around, suddenly frightened by his strange surroundings.\u00a0 \u201cPA!\u201d he screamed.\u00a0 Where was everyone?\u00a0 Panic gripped at his heart and Joe started running toward the sounds he heard in the distance.\u00a0 He stopped suddenly, panting deeply to fill his lungs.\u00a0 The air seemed so thin, as if he were on a mountaintop where the air really was thin and breathing was labored.<\/p>\n

 <\/p>\n

He could still hear the talking; it was getting louder as Joe forced his body into motion.\u00a0 He stumbled and looked down, seeing nothing that could have caused him to trip.\u00a0 Hearing a voice, Joe jerked his head up, not fully grasping what he was seeing.\u00a0 His fingers rolled into his palms, making fists of his hands and he rubbed his eyes.<\/p>\n

 <\/p>\n

\u201cMitch?\u201d he heard himself mutter.<\/p>\n

 <\/p>\n

\u201cHi ya, Joe,\u201d beamed the blue-eyed, blond headed young man.<\/p>\n

 <\/p>\n

\u201cMitch\u2026How\u2026I mean\u2026I thought you was\u2026dead?\u201d Joe babbled, unable to keep from voicing his thoughts. It was as if he had no control over his own thinking, or the words coming from his mouth.<\/p>\n

 <\/p>\n

\u201cI dropped you\u2026I didn\u2019t mean to\u2026honest Mitch.\u201d<\/p>\n

 <\/p>\n

\u201cAw\u2026I know that Little Joe.\u201d<\/p>\n

 <\/p>\n

\u201cBut\u2026you fell\u2026how\u2026I mean\u2026\u201d Joe took a moment to look around him, frightened that he seemed lost yet not lost.<\/p>\n

 <\/p>\n

\u201cJoe, look, I know you did what you could to help me\u2026but I also knew that if you didn\u2019t let go of my hand, we\u2019d both go over the side of that gorge, so I let go of your hand\u2026\u201d<\/p>\n

 <\/p>\n

\u201cWhat?\u00a0 What are you talking about?\u00a0 Your hand slipped outta mine, I let you\u2026\u201d began Joe, trying to make sense out of what was happening.<\/p>\n

 <\/p>\n

\u201cNo you didn\u2019t pal.\u00a0 I saw you sliding toward the edge, I knew you would never let go\u2026I know you well enough to know that if I had not let go of your hand, you would have never let go, even if it meant both of us going over.\u00a0 So\u2026I let go\u2026\u201d smiled Mitch, his blue eyes twinkling.<\/p>\n

 <\/p>\n

\u201cBut\u2026but\u2026I thought\u2026\u201d stammered Joe.<\/p>\n

 <\/p>\n

Mitch began to laugh, forcing Joe to study his friend\u2019s face more closely.\u00a0 Mitch looked awfully white, all color had been washed from his face and Joe inched closer.\u00a0 He wanted to touch his friend, for Mitch seemed almost transparent.<\/p>\n

 <\/p>\n

Mitch took a step backward\u2026almost fluttering out of reach.\u00a0 \u201cThat\u2019s always been your problem, Cartwright\u2026you never think!\u201d\u00a0 Mitch laughed again.<\/p>\n

 <\/p>\n

\u201cListen, Little Joe, I gotta go soon.\u00a0 I just want you to know that I don\u2019t hold anything against ya.\u00a0 Promise me, you won\u2019t blame yourself, please\u2026do this one last thing for me, okay?\u201d\u00a0 Mitch had stopped laughing and had turned serious.\u00a0 \u201cI mean it Joe, you can\u2019t live the rest of your life thinking that you let me die\u2026you didn\u2019t, honest, I chose to die.\u00a0 JOE! Promise me\u2026please, I only have a couple of minutes left.\u201d<\/p>\n

 <\/p>\n

Mitch\u2019s form seemed to be drifting away from Joe, out of reach of Joe\u2019s outstretched hand.\u00a0 \u201cPromise me, Little Joe!\u201d<\/p>\n

 <\/p>\n

\u201cI promise, I promise, Mitch\u2026please come back\u2026\u201d Joe started running after the fading light, but his feet grew too heavy for him and too soon he had to stop.\u00a0 Joe hung his head, tears formed in his eyes.\u00a0 Mitch called out to him for the last time.<\/p>\n

 <\/p>\n

\u201cJoe, tell Adam that Ross is here, too\u2026and he said to tell your brother that he forgives him for what happened, and that it\u2019s time to forgive himself\u2026ya got that, kid?\u201d Mitch shouted from afar.<\/p>\n

 <\/p>\n

\u201cYeah, I got it\u2026.\u201d Joe stared at the last spot where Mitch had been seen.\u00a0 \u201cI don\u2019t understand it\u2026but I got it\u2026\u201d<\/p>\n

 <\/p>\n

\u201cWithout malice\u2026that\u2019s the same thing Pa had said to him and to Adam, a long time ago.\u201d\u00a0 Joe stirred, moving restlessly about on the bed.\u00a0 Suddenly his eyes opened and he quickly searched the room.<\/p>\n

\u201cPa?\u201d he called.<\/p>\n

\u201cNo, it\u2019s just me, Joe.\u00a0 Did you have a bad dream?\u201d questioned Adam, moving to sit on the side of the bed.<\/p>\n

\u201cBad dream?\u201d\u00a0 Joe rubbed his eyes, \u201cNo, I don\u2019t think so,\u201d he said.<\/p>\n

\u201cWell, you must have been dreaming something, you woke me up calling for me,\u201d stated Adam.<\/p>\n

\u201cI did?\u00a0 I\u2019m sorry\u2026but Mitch was\u2026\u201d Joe caught himself and stopped before he went any further.<\/p>\n

Adam watched his brother\u2019s face, he was sure that something was bothering the boy, something that Joe had been dreaming about, why else would he have been calling for all of them in his sleep.<\/p>\n

\u201cJoe, if you don\u2019t want to tell me about it\u2026I understand.\u00a0 I know that when Ross died\u2026\u201d began Adam, meaning to offer a measure of understanding about Joe\u2019s harrowing experience.<\/p>\n

\u201cRoss!\u201d\u00a0 Joe straightened himself up in his bed and placed his trembling hand on Adam\u2019s arm.<\/p>\n

\u201cWhat about Ross, Joe?\u201d Adam asked, puzzled by the sudden change of topic.<\/p>\n

\u201cHe was there too, Adam, with Mitch,\u201d Joe\u2019s eyes stared at a blank spot on the wall, his thoughts seemingly to be far away from where he actually was.\u00a0 \u201cMitch said he let go of my hand\u2026\u201d<\/p>\n

\u201cJoe\u2026\u201d Adam said.<\/p>\n

Joe\u2019s eyes sought his brother\u2019s face and Adam noted the near pleading look in their depths.\u00a0 \u201cHonest, Adam, I saw him, I even talked to him and he told me that it wasn\u2019t my fault that he fell.\u00a0 And he said to tell you that Ross doesn\u2019t blame you for what happened to him.\u00a0 He said Ross wanted you to learn to forgive yourself.\u00a0 And that I shouldn\u2019t blame myself either for Mitch falling.\u201d<\/p>\n

\u201cAdam, please, don\u2019t look at me like that!\u201d stammered Joe, unnerved by his brother\u2019s look.\u00a0 \u201cIt really happened, honest\u2026ya gotta believe me\u2026\u201d Joe\u2019s eyes began to fill with tears and he quickly wiped them away.<\/p>\n

Adam\u2019s heart began to pound, he knew Joe was telling him the truth, Mitch had appeared to him in a dream.\u00a0 Adam remembered when Ross had first died; his friend\u2019s spirit had come to him on more than one occasion to offer words that were meant to comfort his tormented soul.<\/p>\n

Adam gathered his younger brother into his arms and pressed Joe\u2019s head against his chest.\u00a0 \u201cI believe you little brother.\u00a0 It\u2019s their way of allowing us to live with ourselves, of telling us they don\u2019t blame us and giving us the courage to forgive ourselves and move on with our lives.\u00a0 It\u2019s their way of saying they loved us.\u201d<\/p>\n

\u201cOh Adam,\u201d whispered Joe, raising his head.\u00a0 \u201cI promised him that I wouldn\u2019t blame myself\u2026but\u2026\u201d<\/p>\n

\u201cListen Little Buddy, it\u2019s no use\u2026if you don\u2019t forgive yourself, or I forgive myself, they\u2019ll never let us rest.\u201d\u00a0 Adam laughed softly, \u201cJoe, let\u2019s face it, we have to remember them the way they were.\u00a0 I think more about how Ross used to be, when we were kids, before things happened to change him.\u00a0 He was the best friend I\u2019ve ever had.\u00a0 There will never be another like him, the same with you and Mitch, cherish the time you had with him, that\u2019s what he wants you to do.\u201d<\/p>\n

\u201cI suppose you\u2019re right Adam,\u201d said Joe, returning his head to his pillow, \u201cbut it\u2019s going to be hard.\u201d<\/p>\n

\u201cI know that.\u00a0 It always is at first, but Joe, after a time\u2026well\u2026it won\u2019t hurt so much.\u00a0 Trust me, I know,\u201d smiled Adam.\u00a0 \u201cAnd when times get sort of hard for you, you can always come to me, you know that don\u2019t you, kid?\u201d<\/p>\n

Joe smiled at his brother, as if seeing him for the very first time.\u00a0 Hidden behind the mask was a man of great sorrow, a man who had lost so much more than he deserved, and yet, here he was, offering himself to his kid brother.\u00a0 Joe gulped to swallow the lump in his throat.<\/p>\n

\u201cThanks, Adam.\u201d\u00a0 It was all he could manage to put into words.<\/p>\n

Adam rose from the bed, leaned down and ruffled the mass of brown curls that graced his brother\u2019s head.\u00a0 \u201cGet some sleep, kid.\u00a0 In the morning, we\u2019ll go fishing, just the two of us, how\u2019s that?\u201d<\/p>\n

\u201cThat\u2019s great, Adam\u2026and Adam?\u201d<\/p>\n

Adam stopped at the door and turned around.\u00a0 \u201cYeah Joe?\u201d<\/p>\n

\u201cThanks big brother\u2026\u201d Joe flashed his brother a smile, \u201cfor everything.\u201d<\/p>\n

\u201cAny time Joe, any time.\u201d<\/p>\n

Adam shut the door and stood alone in the hall with his thoughts.\u00a0 It would take some time for his brother to fully recover from the death of his best friend.\u00a0 Joe had tried to cover his feelings, but for the most part, Adam could see through the boy\u2019s facade, observing the hurt and guilt that Joe carried.\u00a0 Adam scratched his chin, deep in thought, Joe was much like himself, he reasoned, only difference was, he had more experience at covering his inner feelings than his younger brother.\u00a0 In time, thought Adam, if life kept throwing curves at the boy, Joe would learn as he had, to mask his feelings.\u00a0 Yet he hoped that Joe would never change.\u00a0 He liked the untamed spirit and enthusiasm that propelled his kid brother\u2019s individualism and he liked the way that Joe could be gentled by a tender touch or a soft word from their father. Adam prayed that life would not harden his brother, as it had hardened himself.\u00a0 Joe deserved better than that, thought Adam, he was young and ambitious, impetuous, self-governing and ready to take on the world if need be.\u00a0 His brother had taken a hard tumble, but with time, Adam hoped that Joe would snap back to his former self.\u00a0 Time healed all wounds; and though Mitch would always have a spot in Joe\u2019s heart, time would heal this one as well.<\/p>\n

Adam glanced back at the door, his hand resting gently on the heavy wooden frames, \u201cGood night, Joe, may God bless you.\u201d<\/p>\n

The End<\/strong><\/p>\n

January 2003<\/strong><\/p>\n

\u00a0<\/strong><\/p>\n

 <\/p>\n

<\/div>\n

<\/g><\/svg><\/i> \"Loading\"<\/p>\n

<\/div>\n","protected":false},"excerpt":{"rendered":"

Summary: \u00a0Little Joe’s best friend is killed in an unfortunate accident and Joe holds himself responsible.\u00a0 How will he ever overcome his guilt?<\/p>\n

Rated G \u00a0WC 8200<\/p>\n","protected":false},"author":9052,"featured_media":381,"comment_status":"open","ping_status":"closed","sticky":false,"template":"template-full-width-post.php","format":"standard","meta":{"_jetpack_newsletter_access":"","_jetpack_dont_email_post_to_subs":false,"_jetpack_newsletter_tier_id":0,"_jetpack_memberships_contains_paywalled_content":false,"_jetpack_memberships_contains_paid_content":false,"footnotes":"","jetpack_post_was_ever_published":false},"categories":[23],"tags":[14,15,17,16],"class_list":["post-12174","post","type-post","status-publish","format-standard","has-post-thumbnail","hentry","category-drama","tag-adam-cartwright","tag-ben","tag-hoss","tag-joe","wpcat-23-id"],"a3_pvc":{"activated":true,"total_views":2125,"today_views":0},"jetpack_featured_media_url":"https:\/\/i0.wp.com\/bonanzabrand.info\/library\/wp-content\/uploads\/2014\/02\/coming-soon-6.jpg?fit=303%2C240&ssl=1","jetpack_likes_enabled":true,"jetpack-related-posts":[{"id":14401,"url":"https:\/\/bonanzabrand.info\/library\/?p=14401","url_meta":{"origin":12174,"position":0},"title":"Surprise! (by AC1830)","author":"AC1830","date":"June 18, 2017","format":false,"excerpt":"Summary: \u00a0Young Hoss and Joe have decided that Ben deserves a day off so they plan a special day with him, but Ben soon discovers it's more special than anyone anticipated. 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Rating:\u00a0 K+\u00a0 (2,350 words)","rel":"","context":"In "Drama"","block_context":{"text":"Drama","link":"https:\/\/bonanzabrand.info\/library\/?cat=23"},"img":{"alt_text":"","src":"https:\/\/i0.wp.com\/bonanzabrand.info\/library\/wp-content\/uploads\/2014\/04\/Quality-of-Mercy-14.jpg?fit=649%2C542&ssl=1&resize=350%2C200","width":350,"height":200,"srcset":"https:\/\/i0.wp.com\/bonanzabrand.info\/library\/wp-content\/uploads\/2014\/04\/Quality-of-Mercy-14.jpg?fit=649%2C542&ssl=1&resize=350%2C200 1x, https:\/\/i0.wp.com\/bonanzabrand.info\/library\/wp-content\/uploads\/2014\/04\/Quality-of-Mercy-14.jpg?fit=649%2C542&ssl=1&resize=525%2C300 1.5x"},"classes":[]},{"id":6768,"url":"https:\/\/bonanzabrand.info\/library\/?p=6768","url_meta":{"origin":12174,"position":2},"title":"A Deadly Day (by rosecartwright)","author":"rosecartwright","date":"November 4, 2013","format":false,"excerpt":"Summary: \u00a0Joe is home sick, but things go downhill for this young Cartwright. \u00a0 Rated:\u00a0K+ (635 words)","rel":"","context":"In "Drama"","block_context":{"text":"Drama","link":"https:\/\/bonanzabrand.info\/library\/?cat=23"},"img":{"alt_text":"","src":"https:\/\/i0.wp.com\/bonanzabrand.info\/library\/wp-content\/uploads\/2014\/11\/2-joe.jpg?fit=237%2C221&ssl=1&resize=350%2C200","width":350,"height":200},"classes":[]},{"id":12136,"url":"https:\/\/bonanzabrand.info\/library\/?p=12136","url_meta":{"origin":12174,"position":3},"title":"The Rebirth of Joe Cartwright (by DebbieB)","author":"DebbieB","date":"August 1, 2003","format":false,"excerpt":"DebbieB passed away Christmas 2021. Any reader wishing to read this story should e:mail the Brandsters:\u00a0 Brandsters2020@gmail.com","rel":"","context":"In "Drama"","block_context":{"text":"Drama","link":"https:\/\/bonanzabrand.info\/library\/?cat=23"},"img":{"alt_text":"","src":"https:\/\/i0.wp.com\/bonanzabrand.info\/library\/wp-content\/uploads\/2014\/10\/feature-2.jpg?fit=338%2C338&ssl=1&resize=350%2C200","width":350,"height":200},"classes":[]},{"id":22994,"url":"https:\/\/bonanzabrand.info\/library\/?p=22994","url_meta":{"origin":12174,"position":4},"title":"Jeremiah (by Hart4Ben)","author":"Hart4Ben","date":"June 26, 2019","format":false,"excerpt":"Summary: Hoss has an unusual gift for Little Joe. A prequel challenge piece. Rating: K WC: 510","rel":"","context":"In "Hoss \/ Joe"","block_context":{"text":"Hoss \/ Joe","link":"https:\/\/bonanzabrand.info\/library\/?cat=1092"},"img":{"alt_text":"","src":"https:\/\/i0.wp.com\/bonanzabrand.info\/library\/wp-content\/uploads\/2019\/06\/bullfrog-2.jpg?fit=694%2C451&ssl=1&resize=350%2C200","width":350,"height":200,"srcset":"https:\/\/i0.wp.com\/bonanzabrand.info\/library\/wp-content\/uploads\/2019\/06\/bullfrog-2.jpg?fit=694%2C451&ssl=1&resize=350%2C200 1x, https:\/\/i0.wp.com\/bonanzabrand.info\/library\/wp-content\/uploads\/2019\/06\/bullfrog-2.jpg?fit=694%2C451&ssl=1&resize=525%2C300 1.5x"},"classes":[]},{"id":12135,"url":"https:\/\/bonanzabrand.info\/library\/?p=12135","url_meta":{"origin":12174,"position":5},"title":"Prelude to Rebirth (by DebbieB)","author":"DebbieB","date":"August 1, 2003","format":false,"excerpt":"DebbieB passed away Christmas 2021. 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