Summary:<\/b> \u00a0Chocolate has more meaning to Little Joe than just a piece of cake.\u00a0 It keeps appearing in his dream and the vision scares him.<\/p>\n
Rated G \u00a0WC 9200<\/p>\n
<\/p>\n
The Color of Chocolate<\/strong><\/p>\n Ben\u2019s eyes followed his son\u2019s movements<\/strong> as Joe paced around the room and then stopped, lowering his body into the blue chair that was placed near the foot of the stairs.\u00a0 Joe leaned his head back and closed his eyes.\u00a0 Minutes later Joe was sound asleep.<\/p>\n <\/p>\n \u201cWonder what he\u2019s done today to tire him out like that?\u201d Adam snickered softly as he turned from his chair at the dining room table and glanced over his shoulder into the great room, seeing his brother snoozing.<\/p>\n <\/p>\n \u201cI didn\u2019t see him do much of anythin\u2019,\u201d Hoss laughed from his seat on the settee where he sat reading a book.\u00a0 \u201cHe must\u2019va had a long night last night.\u00a0 Did he come in late, Pa?\u201d<\/p>\n <\/p>\n Ben gave both of his older sons a scowl.\u00a0 \u201cHe didn\u2019t go out last night, for your information, he went to bed about eight o\u2019clock.\u201d<\/p>\n <\/p>\n Adam raised his dark brows in surprise and then grinned at his middle brother.\u00a0 \u201cYou mean, Joe\u2026our little brother\u2026missed a Friday night in town?\u00a0 What\u2019s wrong, is he sick?\u201d<\/p>\n <\/p>\n Hoss heehawed loudly, waking Joe who gave each of them a glaring look.\u00a0 \u201cWhat\u2019s so funny?\u201d he growled, his mood sullen.<\/p>\n <\/p>\n Ben peered from over the top of his newspaper and eyed his youngest son.\u00a0 \u201cWhat has put you in such a bad mood, young man?\u201d he asked Joe who had laid his head back against the chair and closed his eyes again.<\/p>\n <\/p>\n \u201cI ain\u2019t in a bad mood, Pa, just tired, that\u2019s all.\u00a0 I didn\u2019t mean to snap, I\u2019m sorry,\u201d Joe said and finally opened his eyes.\u00a0 He stood to his feet and stretched, stifling a yawn.\u00a0 \u201cI think I\u2019ll turn in.\u00a0Night, Pa, Adam, night Hoss,\u201d Joe called as he started up the stairs, his movements sluggish.<\/p>\n <\/p>\n \u201cGood night, son,\u201d replied Ben, somewhat concerned as he watched Joe.\u00a0 He turned to look at the grandfather clock, seven thirty.<\/p>\n <\/p>\n \u201cNight short shanks.\u00a0 Ya better get some sleep tonight, we gotta round up those strays in the south pasture tomorrow,\u201d Hoss called out.<\/p>\n <\/p>\n \u201cAnd we have to repair that fence where Mr. Miller\u2019s bull broke through day before yesterday\u2026the one that you were supposed to fix this morning, and didn\u2019t,\u201d added Adam, glancing up at his brother to check for a reaction.<\/p>\n <\/p>\n Joe stopped and spun around, his eyes growing dark with what his father recognized as anger.\u00a0 \u201cI couldn\u2019t fix that hole in the fence because you sent me over to the north pasture to make sure THAT fence was repaired,\u201d Joe all but shouted at Adam.<\/p>\n <\/p>\n Ben held his hand up and stopped the comment that he knew Adam was just about to throw out at his brother.\u00a0 \u201cIt\u2019s okay, Joseph can fix the south fence while the two of you, round up those strays.\u201d<\/p>\n <\/p>\n Adam and Hoss exchanged glances and then both glanced up at Joe.\u00a0 Joe wasn\u2019t smiling like they had both thought he would be, he looked more as if he were\u2026about to cry?<\/p>\n <\/p>\n \u201cThanks, Pa,\u201d Joe said in a whispered voice, meeting his father\u2019s eyes.<\/p>\n <\/p>\n \u201cGood night son,\u201d Ben smiled.<\/p>\n <\/p>\n <\/p>\n When he was sure that his brother had time to reach his room, Adam stood and moved into the great room, his hands stuffed into his pockets.\u00a0 He turned from looking at the empty stairwell to face his father.<\/p>\n <\/p>\n \u201cWhat\u2019s with him?\u201d he asked Ben.<\/p>\n <\/p>\n \u201cWhy, what do you mean?\u201d Ben asked, placing his paper on his lap.<\/p>\n <\/p>\n Adam shrugged his shoulders, \u201cI don\u2019t know, but just a minute ago, he looked like he was just about to\u2026cry,\u201d Adam said, sitting down on the corner of the wide boarded table in front of the settee.\u00a0 Adam folded his long arms across his chest and looked at Hoss when his brother started to speak.<\/p>\n <\/p>\n \u201cYeah, I noticed that too, Pa.\u00a0 Joe sure ain\u2019t been himself that last couple\u2019la days.\u00a0 He\u2019s been moody and sullen and\u2026all tired out like\u2026sorta like he ain\u2019t had enough sleep,\u201d Hoss stated.<\/p>\n <\/p>\n \u201cI\u2019ve noticed that he seems tired all the time, too.\u00a0 I hope he isn\u2019t really getting sick,\u201d Ben said, seeming to ponder the idea.\u00a0 \u201cI agree that he looked about ready to cry\u2026you boys sure the two of you haven\u2019t been hounding him too much?\u201d asked Ben, suspiciously as he eyed both Adam and Hoss.<\/p>\n <\/p>\n \u201cNaw\u2026we\u2019ve been funnin\u2019 some with him, but we ain\u2019t been scoldin\u2019 him none, leastwise, I ain\u2019t.\u00a0 You, Adam?\u201d\u00a0 Hoss said as he turned to look in Adam\u2019s direction.<\/p>\n <\/p>\n \u201cNo, in fact, every time I\u2019ve asked him to do something, he\u2019s done it and hasn\u2019t even put up the usual argument, which now that I think about it, that definitely isn\u2019t like Little Joe,\u201d Adam exclaimed wearing the makings of a smile on his handsome face.<\/p>\n <\/p>\n Ben tossed his paper over onto the table and stood up, grinning.\u00a0 \u201cNow Adam, your brother usually follows your orders without putting up too much of an argument.\u00a0 But I am concerned that he isn\u2019t getting enough rest.\u00a0 I think I\u2019ll go have a talk with him, might be, he has something on his mind that\u2019s troubling him.\u201d\u00a0 Ben stood to his feet and as he scooted passed Adam, he gently pressed his hand on the older boy\u2019s shoulder.<\/p>\n <\/p>\n \u201cDon\u2019t you two stay up too late, I can\u2019t have all three of my boys down sick at the same time,\u201d Ben grinned.<\/p>\n <\/p>\n \u201cWe won\u2019t Pa, night,\u201d called Adam.<\/p>\n <\/p>\n \u201cNight Pa,\u201d Hoss seconded.<\/p>\n <\/p>\n <\/p>\n Ben knocked gently on the door and then pushed it opened.\u00a0 From the doorway, Ben could see Joe already stretched out on his bed.\u00a0 He had his back to the door and Ben was unable to see his son\u2019s face as he crept closer to the bed.<\/p>\n <\/p>\n \u201cJoseph?\u201d Ben said softly as he approached.<\/p>\n <\/p>\n Joe quickly brushed his hand across his face, unseen by his father and then turned just enough that he could see Ben standing at the side of the bed towering over him.<\/p>\n <\/p>\n \u201cI\u2019m sorry, were you aleady asleep?\u00a0 I didn\u2019t mean to wake you,\u201d Ben said in a light voice.<\/p>\n <\/p>\n \u201cNo, I wasn\u2019t sleeping.\u00a0 Is something wrong, Pa?\u201d Joe asked, turning over onto his back so that he could see his father better.<\/p>\n <\/p>\n Ben surprised Joe by sitting down on the edge of his bed.\u00a0 Ben shook his head and smiled.\u00a0 \u201cNo, I just came in to say good night, like I\u2019ve always done,\u201d he replied.<\/p>\n <\/p>\n Joe saw the sparkle in his father\u2019s eyes and the love that shone in their depths, something that Ben never tried to hide from any of his sons.\u00a0 Joe returned the smile with a small one of his own.<\/p>\n <\/p>\n \u201cI was just wondering son, are you sure that you\u2019re feeling okay?\u201d Ben asked, leaning forward and pressing the back of his hand to Joe\u2019s brow, checking for any signs of a fever.<\/p>\n <\/p>\n \u201cPa,\u201d Joe said in a voice that edged on exasperation and then grinned.\u00a0 Softening his voice while taking hold of his father\u2019s hand.\u00a0 \u201cI\u2019m fine, honest\u2026I told you, I\u2019m just tired, that\u2019s all.\u201d<\/p>\n <\/p>\n Ben made no move to withdraw his hand from his son\u2019s, as Joe seemed totally unaware that he still held his father\u2019s hand within his own.\u00a0 Ben glanced quickly at the pair of hands; Joe\u2019s thumb was gently rubbing the back of his palm.\u00a0 The tender action puzzled Ben, for at seventeen, Joe, though loving and caring by nature, was at an age when most times, he was not so demonstrative in his passion.<\/p>\n <\/p>\n \u201cI see,\u201d Ben said softly.\u00a0 \u201cPerhaps you have something on your mind, then?\u201d he questioned gently.<\/p>\n <\/p>\n Joe\u2019s expression suddenly changed, though he tried to hide it from his father.\u00a0 His hand released Ben\u2019s and dropped to his side.<\/p>\n <\/p>\n \u201cI told you Pa, I\u2019m fine,\u201d Joe said flatly and turned his head.<\/p>\n <\/p>\n Joe heard his father sigh and knew when Ben stood up. \u00a0He turned toward his father, seeing again the eyes that had always shone with compassion and caring.\u00a0 Joe forced a smile.<\/p>\n <\/p>\n \u201cReally, Pa\u2026I just need to get some sleep.\u00a0 Please don\u2019t worry about me,\u201d Joe said.<\/p>\n <\/p>\n Ben returned the smile, seeing the inner struggle that Joe was trying so hard not to let him see.\u00a0 Something was eating at his son, but unless Joe was ready to talk, Ben knew his son well enough to know that to push the issue would only drive Joe deeper into his resolve not to open up.<\/p>\n <\/p>\n \u201cAll right son, but\u2026I\u2019m here, should you want to talk,\u201d Ben said.<\/p>\n <\/p>\n \u201cThanks Pa, I know,\u201d Joe said as he pulled the blankets up to his chin.\u00a0 \u201cGood night.\u201d<\/p>\n <\/p>\n \u201cGood night son, God bless.\u201d<\/p>\n <\/p>\n Ben slipped silently from the room and down the hall into his own.<\/p>\n <\/p>\n <\/p>\n Joe flipped over onto his back, staring through the darkness at the ceiling.\u00a0 How could he tell his father what was really bothering him?\u00a0 He felt so foolish, so\u2026childish with his inner fear.\u00a0 Joe sighed deeply and pushed back the covers and climbed from his bed to stand before the opened window.\u00a0 Joe pinched his eyes tightly shut to silently push the disturbing thoughts from his mind.<\/p>\n <\/p>\n \u201cThis is just plain silly,\u201d he scolded himself softly, \u201cit was only a dream.\u201d<\/p>\n <\/p>\n Joe brushed his hand across his lips then turned to the bedside table, pouring himself a drink of water.\u00a0 He drank slowly, letting the water cool his dry mouth before swallowing.\u00a0 When he was finished he crawled back into bed and pulled the blanket up to his neck, shivering slightly.\u00a0 He lay awake for a long time, afraid to close his eyes for fear of having the same dream. How many nights had it been now, three, four, possibly as many as five?\u00a0 He couldn\u2019t remember, but each time that the nightmare had disrupted his sleep, Joe had awakened with a start.\u00a0 His body shook with fright, his brow had been covered with tiny sweat beads and he had felt as if he were smothering, so hard had it been to breathe.<\/p>\n <\/p>\n Joe felt the sting of tears and quickly brushed them away.\u00a0 \u201cThis is ridiculous, I\u2019m not a kid anymore,\u201d he whispered aloud, turning over on his side and closing his eyes.<\/p>\n <\/p>\n <\/p>\n Ben\u2019s eyes loomed before the frightened young man.\u00a0 They appeared glazed and unseeing as Joe stood over the lifeless body of his father and wept.\u00a0 He felt Hoss slip his arm around his shoulder and saw Adam bending down to press their father\u2019s eyelids closed.\u00a0 Joe\u2019s body trembled and he felt his knees grow weak and finally buckle beneath him, no longer able to support the weight of his body.<\/p>\n <\/p>\n Hoss quickly gathered the sagging body into his arms and carried Joe away from the heart-wrenching scene to place him in his own bed. He kept his eyes pressed tightly shut, his head welded into the pillow beneath his head and not believing what had just happened.<\/p>\n <\/p>\n He felt the tears as they filled his eyes and rolled gently down the sides of his face, staining the crisp white pillowcase.\u00a0 He simply could not get the picture of his father\u2019s expression or the eyes that stared at nothing, out of his mind.\u00a0 When he had entered his father\u2019s room and found his father laying on his back, his usual warm dark eyes staring blankly at the ceiling, instant fear had wrapped its cruel fingers around his heart.\u00a0 Joe had approached the bed, almost dreading what he knew in his heart had happened.<\/p>\n <\/p>\n \u201cPa,\u201d Joe whispered, leaning forward and placing his trembling hand on Ben\u2019s arm and giving a gentle nudge, hoping to wake his father.\u00a0 Joe felt the icy touch of his father\u2019s flesh and knew the answer even before making the gesture; his father had died sometime during the night while lying in his bed.<\/em><\/p>\n \u00a0<\/em><\/p>\n \u201cNO!\u201d screamed Joe, loudly, \u201cPA! PA!\u201d<\/em><\/p>\n <\/p>\n <\/p>\n The bedroom door burst opened and Ben rushed to his son\u2019s bedside.\u00a0 Joe was tossing about on the bed; his tears dampened his cheeks as he struggled to free himself from the soft blanket prison that had wrapped itself about his body.<\/p>\n <\/p>\n \u201cPA!\u201d Joe screamed out as he at last bolted upright in the bed.<\/p>\n <\/p>\n Ben quickly placed himself on the edge of the bed taking a gentle hold of Joe\u2019s shoulders.\u00a0 The steady stream of tears that coursed their way down the front of his son\u2019s face tore at Ben\u2019s heart.<\/p>\n <\/p>\n \u201cJoseph,\u201d Ben spoke softly, holding his son as Joe struggled against him.\u00a0 \u201cIt\u2019s okay son, wake up, you\u2019re having a nightmare,\u201d Ben said, his voice soothing.<\/p>\n <\/p>\n \u201cPA!\u00a0 Pa\u2026\u201d<\/p>\n <\/p>\n Ben, his eyes fixed on Joe\u2019s face, waited while the eyelids fluttered and slowly opened.\u00a0 When Joe had at last opened his eyes, the first thing that he saw was his father\u2019s eyes looking into his.<\/p>\n <\/p>\n Ben smiled, \u201cAre you awake now?\u201d<\/p>\n <\/p>\n Joe\u2019s breathing was rapid and it took him several moments to regain enough control to be able to speak.<\/p>\n <\/p>\n \u201cI\u2026I think\u2026so,\u201d he said, his eyes never leaving his father\u2019s.\u00a0 \u201cI must have been dreaming,\u201d Joe said, almost shyly and finally averted his eyes.\u00a0 When he glanced up, Ben was still watching him.<\/p>\n <\/p>\n \u201cYour\u2026your eyes\u2026\u201d Joe stammered.<\/p>\n <\/p>\n Ben seemed slightly taken back by Joe\u2019s muttering, but he gently brushed back a stray damp curl and continued smiling.<\/p>\n <\/p>\n \u201cWhat about my eyes, son?\u201d he questioned.<\/p>\n <\/p>\n Joe dropped his head and Ben was aware when his son sniff his nose.\u00a0 \u201cThey\u2026\u201d<\/p>\n <\/p>\n Ben heard Joe gulp, felt the tremors that ran through his body and then, when Joe met his gaze, the hazel eyes had filled with tears once more.<\/p>\n <\/p>\n \u201cNothing,\u201d he muttered and looked up.\u00a0 \u201cI\u2019m sorry I woke you, I\u2019m all right now, Pa, you can go back to bed,\u201d Joe said and quickly wiped away the tears before giving them a chance to break free.<\/p>\n <\/p>\n Ben gave a slight nod of his head and as Joe lay back against his pillows, Ben pulled the tangle of blankets back up around Joe\u2019s shoulders.\u00a0 \u201cWould you like for me to sit with you awhile?\u00a0Just until you go back to sleep?\u201d Ben added quickly.<\/p>\n <\/p>\n The corners of Joe\u2019s mouth tugged themselves into a tiny smile and he shook his head.\u00a0 When he spoke, Ben was aware of the slight quiver to his son\u2019s voice.<\/p>\n <\/p>\n \u201cI\u2019m fine Pa, honest\u2026you don\u2019t need to sit with me, I\u2019m not a little boy anymore,\u201d Joe said in a soft voice.<\/p>\n <\/p>\n \u201cI agree, but to me\u2026you will always be, my little boy\u2026and Joe, sometimes even a grown man needs a comforting touch,\u201d whispered Ben, his eyes holding nothing back in the way in which his loved flowed through them, reaching out for his son.<\/p>\n <\/p>\n \u201cThanks, Pa,\u201d whispered Joe, seeing the mist in his father\u2019s expressive eyes.\u00a0 \u201cI\u2019ll be fine, though.\u201d<\/p>\n <\/p>\n Ben nodded his head and started toward the door, \u201cThen you have a good sleep Joe.\u00a0 Pleasant dreams this time, son,\u201d smiled Ben as he closed the door.<\/p>\n <\/p>\n <\/p>\n Joe was still awake when he heard his father open and close his bedroom door early the next morning.\u00a0 Joe listened at the sound of his father\u2019s footsteps as Ben walked quietly down the hallway, and then stopped at his door.\u00a0 At first, Joe thought that his father would open the door and stick in his head, just to check on him.\u00a0 Ben had, in the past, always made a point of doing that, especially when Joe had suffered from a nightmare.\u00a0 Old habits were hard to break, Joe knew, but over the space of time Ben had broken the habit, more so because of his youngest son\u2019s insistence, that his father need not baby him than from Ben\u2019s own desires.\u00a0 Moments later, Joe heard Ben move on, the creaking boards of the staircase assured him of that.<\/p>\n <\/p>\n Exhausted from lack of sleep, the emotional strain he was under and the continual calling of his name finally drove Joe from his warm bed.\u00a0 He stumbled his way to the mirror, brushing his fingers through his thick curly hair to peer at his reflection.<\/p>\n <\/p>\n \u201cGood Lord,\u201d he mumbled as he leaned in closer for a better look.\u00a0 \u201cI look like hell,\u201d he said aloud, unaware that his bedroom door had been opened slightly and that Hoss was peeking around the edge.<\/p>\n <\/p>\n The soft chuckling from the doorway drew his attention upward.\u00a0 From inside the mirror, Joe caught his middle brother\u2019s reflection, smiling back at him.<\/p>\n <\/p>\n \u201cRough night?\u201d inquired Hoss, who looked bright-eyed and ready for whatever the day had to toss his way.<\/p>\n <\/p>\n \u201cWhat do you think?\u00a0 Look at me,\u201d growled Joe, splashing cold water onto his face.\u00a0 \u201cBrrrr, that\u2019s cold,\u201d he groaned.<\/p>\n <\/p>\n Hoss laughed and entered the room.\u00a0 He placed his hand on his brother\u2019s bare back as Joe dried his face with a soft towel.\u00a0 \u201cI\u2019ve seen ya look worse\u2026but then ya was probably hung over\u2026ya ain\u2019t been drinkin\u2019, have ya?\u201d Hoss teased.<\/p>\n <\/p>\n Joe lowered the towel and scowled at his brother.\u00a0 \u201cNo, I haven\u2019t been drinkin\u2019.\u00a0 I haven\u2019t been sleepin\u2019 either,\u201d Joe squeaked in a condescending tone of voice.<\/p>\n <\/p>\n Hoss suddenly looked serious.\u00a0 Joe went back to his grooming as Hoss leaned in to the mirror, examining Joe\u2019s features.\u00a0 \u201cYour eyes are red, ya got dark circles under\u2019em too.\u00a0 Ya sure \u2018nough look like ya missed a night or two, what\u2019s ailin\u2019 ya, short shanks?\u201d<\/p>\n <\/p>\n Hoss straightened himself up, having to step back as Joe turned around, looking for his shirt.\u00a0 \u201cJust can\u2019t sleep, that\u2019s all, what\u2019s it to you?\u201d<\/p>\n <\/p>\n Hoss\u2019 blue eyes widened in surprise at Joe\u2019s tone.\u00a0 \u201cAin\u2019t nothin\u2019 to me, just askin\u2019, that\u2019s all,\u201d he mumbled and headed for the door.<\/p>\n <\/p>\n Joe spun around, realizing that he had snapped at his brother.\u00a0 \u201cHoss,\u201d he said quickly, halting Hoss from leaving.\u00a0 \u201cI\u2019m sorry, I didn\u2019t mean to bite your head off,\u201d Joe apologized while he buttoned his shirt.\u00a0 \u201cI\u2026\u201d<\/p>\n <\/p>\n \u201cAw, never mind Joe, it\u2019s okay.\u00a0 Hurry up, Hop Sing\u2019s got breakfast ready and we\u2019ve got work to do,\u201d said Hoss wearing a broad smile, happy that Joe was in a better mood.<\/p>\n <\/p>\n \u201cI\u2019ll be down in a minute, Hoss, you go ahead,\u201d smiled Joe as Hoss went on his way.<\/p>\n <\/p>\n Joe\u2019s smile vanished just as quickly as it had appeared.\u00a0 He glanced one final time in the mirror to check his reflection.\u00a0 Sure enough, his eyes were red and there were dark circles under them, just as Hoss had claimed.\u00a0 There would be no fooling his father this morning, after last night\u2019s episode, Ben would be sure to notice that Joe had spent another sleepless night.<\/p>\n <\/p>\n <\/p>\n \u201cJoe, I\u2019m worried about you son, are you positive that you\u2019re feeling okay, because if you\u2019re not, I\u2019m sure your brothers wouldn\u2019t mind fixing that fence for you,\u201d Ben said after observing his youngest son\u2019s appearance at the breakfast table.<\/p>\n <\/p>\n \u201cOh yes we would,\u201d Adam jumped in to say.\u00a0 \u201cYou told him to do it, three days ago, and it\u2019s not done yet.\u00a0 It\u2019s his job, he should do it,\u201d Adam interjected before Ben could reassign the job to either Hoss or himself.<\/p>\n <\/p>\n Ben cut his head around to glare at Adam.\u00a0 Joe watched how his father\u2019s eyes turned a dark shade of brown when he was angry, but he kept silent.<\/p>\n <\/p>\n \u201cBut if your brother is getting sick, I don\u2019t want him\u2026\u201d began Ben.<\/p>\n <\/p>\n \u201cBut he\u2019s not sick, look at him, he just needs to go to bed and sleep it off,\u201d growled Adam, giving his youngest brother a quick appraisal. \u201cI\u2019ve heard him pacing around in his bedroom at all hours of the night, he even keeps me awake.\u201d<\/p>\n <\/p>\n Ben did turn and look at his youngest son as Adam had suggested.\u00a0 Ben studied Joe\u2019s face and noted the tired expression, the redness that tainted the hazel coloring of his eyes and he saw first hand the dark circles that gave Joe the appearance that he was wearing a mask.<\/p>\n <\/p>\n Joe had started to turn his head to keep his father from scrutinizing him but when his eyes met his father\u2019s, Joe was unable to force him self to look away.\u00a0 There was just something so compelling about his father\u2019s eyes that drew him inward and seemed to mesmerize him.\u00a0 Ben spoke with his eyes, most of what as a man, he found hard to say sometimes to his grown sons.\u00a0But it wasn\u2019t hard to mistake, for the brown depths held all the love in his heart, all the unspoken words, the compassion and understanding, the warmth and tenderness.\u00a0 Joe had seen the kindness, forgiveness and mercy all at some time or another during the course of his lifetime.\u00a0 He remembered seeing the fiery glow of anger when Ben had been mad, the sudden darkness that changed the color from brown to ebony in an instance and he had seen the passion and fury, all within the depths of his father\u2019s eyes.\u00a0 And he was now only beginning to understand the importance of those eyes in relationship to his own life.<\/p>\n <\/p>\n \u201cJoseph?\u201d<\/p>\n <\/p>\n Joe snapped from his thoughts.\u00a0 His father had been speaking to him but he had been so lost in the eyes that were now shimmering with amusement that he had not heard when Ben had spoken to him.<\/p>\n <\/p>\n \u201cI\u2019m sorry, Pa,\u201d Joe said, blushing when Adam and Hoss started snickering at him.<\/p>\n <\/p>\n Ben chuckled softly and placed his hand on Joe\u2019s arm.\u00a0 \u201cYou must have been a thousand miles away, son.\u201d<\/p>\n <\/p>\n Joe dropped his head and then grinning, looked again into Ben\u2019s eyes.\u00a0 \u201cNo, not quite that far, but almost,\u201d Joe said.<\/p>\n <\/p>\n \u201cAs I was saying, now that I have your attention, you do look beat, Joe.\u00a0 I think you should do as Adam suggests and go back to bed.\u00a0 I don\u2019t want you getting sick on me.\u201d\u00a0 Ben stood to his feet and gently pulled on Joe\u2019s arm, forcing Joe to his feet.<\/p>\n <\/p>\n He pointed to the stairs, \u201cGo on, get back to bed.\u201d<\/p>\n <\/p>\n \u201cBut Pa!\u201d Adam pushed back his chair and stood up.\u00a0 \u201cIt\u2019s his turn to muck out the barn, he has fence to repair, a wagon wheel to mend and cattle to round up, and after that\u2026\u201d<\/p>\n <\/p>\n Ben placed his hands on his hips and interrupted his oldest son.\u00a0 \u201cAdam, I think you and Hoss could do without your little brother\u2019s help for one day. \u00a0Didn\u2019t you just say that he should go to bed and sleep it off?\u201d<\/p>\n <\/p>\n From across the table Hoss snickered.\u00a0 Adam swirled around, giving his middle brother a dark glare.<\/p>\n <\/p>\n \u201cPa\u2019s right big brother, that\u2019s just what ya said, heard it with my own ears,\u201d laughed Hoss.<\/p>\n <\/p>\n \u201cPa, really, I want to do my part\u2026\u201d started Joe.<\/p>\n <\/p>\n \u201cOh no you don\u2019t,\u201d shouted Adam, \u201cyou\u2019re going right up stairs and get in bed.\u00a0 God forbid that you get sick!\u00a0 I\u2019ll probably get the blame for that if you don\u2019t do as Pa says.\u00a0 Now get going.\u201d<\/p>\n <\/p>\n Adam gave Joe a gentle nudge on the shoulder forcing him to start moving.\u00a0 Joe glanced at his father and saw the wink that past between him and Adam.<\/p>\n <\/p>\n \u201cAll right, but when I wake up, I\u2019ll finish whatever the two of you haven\u2019t gotten too,\u201d said Joe as he reached the bottom step and stopped.\u00a0 \u201cSee ya later.\u201d<\/p>\n <\/p>\n \u201cI\u2019ll be up in a few minutes, if I can ever get these two to get a move on!\u201d grumbled Ben good-naturedly, while watching Joe until he reached the top landing and turned to go down the hall.<\/p>\n <\/p>\n Ben turned to Adam.\u00a0 \u201cThank you son, for understanding.\u00a0 Joe does look worn to a frazzle and I can\u2019t understand why.\u00a0 I know he isn\u2019t sleeping well, but I contributed that to those nightmares he\u2019s been having.\u201d<\/p>\n <\/p>\n \u201cHave you asked him about them?\u201d questioned Adam as he turned up his coffee cup and downed the last few drops.<\/p>\n <\/p>\n \u201cI tried last night, but he wouldn\u2019t tell me a thing.\u00a0 He said he was fine but I could hear him pacing as well, Adam.\u00a0 Something\u2019s on his mind, he\u2019s just too stubborn to talk about it,\u201d Ben reported.<\/p>\n <\/p>\n Hoss had gotten to his feet as well.\u00a0 He tossed his napkin down on his plate and rubbed his full belly.\u00a0 \u201cSure was good eatin\u2019.\u00a0 Listen Pa, Little Joe will talk when he\u2019s ready.\u00a0 Ya know how he is, he ain\u2019t one to open up until he\u2019s just about to bust wide open.\u201d<\/p>\n <\/p>\n \u201cI know Hoss, and you\u2019re right.\u00a0 Maybe after he sleeps for awhile, he\u2019ll feel better.\u00a0 You two best be going, lots to do this morning,\u201d smiled Ben.<\/p>\n <\/p>\n \u201cDon\u2019t remind us!\u201d laughed Adam.\u00a0 \u201cAnd don\u2019t worry, Pa, I was only teasing Joe.\u00a0 I\u2019m as worried about him as you two are,\u201d he said.<\/p>\n <\/p>\n Ben laughed as well, \u201cAw\u2026get out of here,\u201d he ordered as he closed the door behind his two sons.<\/p>\n <\/p>\n <\/p>\n Joe sat on the edge of his bed and pulled off first one boot, tossed it in the floor and repeated the process with the second boot.\u00a0 Without getting up, he unbuttoned his shirt and pulled the tail from the back of his pants.\u00a0 After pulling his arms free of the sleeves he tossed it to the foot of his bed and stood up, removing his trousers as well.<\/p>\n <\/p>\n Joe stretched, he was tired and he knew that a few hours sleep would make him feel much better.\u00a0 He welcomed the opportunity, thanks to his understanding father.\u00a0 Joe pulled back the blankets and snuggled down between the covers, getting comfortable.\u00a0 Once settled in, Joe yawned and closed his eyes, secretly hoping that he would not be disturbed by the haunting dream that had plagued him night after night.\u00a0 The dream had terrified him, seeing his father\u2019s still form laying on his bed, the icy fingers of death leaving Ben\u2019s flesh cold to the touch.\u00a0 Joe\u2019s eyes popped opened.<\/p>\n <\/p>\n \u2018It\u2019s only a dream,\u2019 he told himself.<\/p>\n <\/p>\n Joe shivered and turned to his other side, closing his eyes again and willing himself to put the vision out of his mind.\u00a0 Minutes later, Joe was fast asleep.<\/p>\n <\/p>\n <\/p>\n \u201cI\u2019m fine son, I just don\u2019t think what I had for supper agreed with me.\u00a0 I think I\u2019ll go to bed, maybe I\u2019ll feel better in the morning,\u201d Ben assured his youngest son, and then, rubbing his chest, Ben turned and climbed the stairs to his room.<\/p>\n <\/p>\n Joe turned to his two brothers, a worried expression on his young face.\u00a0 \u201cPa\u2019s not well, I can see it in his eyes, but he won\u2019t admit it to us,\u201d Joe proclaimed.<\/p>\n <\/p>\n \u201cAw Joe, Pa\u2019s just got an upset stomach, or heartburn, that\u2019s all.\u00a0 He\u2019ll be fine,\u201d Hoss said from his chair where Ben usually sat.<\/p>\n <\/p>\n Joe walked to the foot of the stairs, his hand resting on the railing as he stared upward.\u00a0<\/em><\/p>\n \u00a0<\/em><\/p>\n \u201cI\u2019m worried, Hoss, you and Adam should be too, instead of just sitting there like nothing was wrong\u2026you should be doing something!\u201d<\/em><\/p>\n \u00a0<\/em><\/p>\n Adam, who sat in the blue chair, turned around in his seat to look behind him at his youngest brother.<\/em><\/p>\n \u00a0<\/em><\/p>\n \u201cJoe,\u201d Adam said calmly.\u00a0 \u201cJust what is it that you feel we should be doing?\u201d<\/em><\/p>\n \u00a0<\/em><\/p>\n Joe spun around, his anxiety easily seen on his face.\u00a0 \u201cHow should I know?\u00a0 Go get the doctor and let him take a look at Pa\u2026\u201d<\/em><\/p>\n <\/p>\n \u201cJoe, you know as well as I do that unless Pa wants us to go fetch the doctor, there is absolutely no reason to do so.\u00a0 You\u2019ll only make him mad if you were to do that,\u201d Adam explained to Joe who had by now moved to the arm of the settee and sat down.\u00a0 Joe hung his head.<\/em><\/p>\n \u00a0<\/em><\/p>\n \u201cI know, but I can\u2019t help it Adam, Pa just doesn\u2019t look or act like himself.\u201d<\/em><\/p>\n \u00a0<\/em><\/p>\n Joe stood to his feet and without saying another word, strolled to the staircase and started up.<\/em><\/p>\n \u00a0<\/em><\/p>\n \u201cWhere ya goin\u2019?\u201d Hoss asked.<\/em><\/p>\n <\/p>\n Joe glanced back over his shoulder; \u201cI\u2019m going to check on <\/em>Pa.<\/em>\u201d<\/em><\/p>\n \u00a0<\/em><\/p>\n \u201cJoe!\u201d Adam called.\u00a0 \u201cIt hasn\u2019t even been half an hour.\u201d<\/em><\/p>\n \u00a0<\/em><\/p>\n \u201cI don\u2019t care,\u201d Joe said as he rounded the corner.<\/em><\/p>\n \u00a0<\/em><\/p>\n Joe knocked softly on the bedroom door and waited for a response.\u00a0 When none was forthcoming, he eased opened the door and slipped into the dimly lit room.\u00a0 From the doorway he could see his father.\u00a0 Ben lay upon his bed, face up, unmoving, staring blankly\u2026<\/em><\/p>\n \u00a0<\/em><\/p>\n \u201cNO!\u00a0 NO!\u00a0 PA\u2026PA!\u201d Joe screamed, bolting upright in the bed.<\/p>\n <\/p>\n Through the door, Ben burst into the room and quickly to the bedside.\u00a0 Joe was gasping for air; beads of perspiration dotted his brow and sprigs of dampened curls clung to his forehead.<\/p>\n <\/p>\n \u201cJoseph, are you okay, son?\u201d Ben said, sitting down on the bed and taking Joe\u2019s hand into his.<\/p>\n <\/p>\n Joe continued to gasp for air, staring into his father\u2019s eyes.\u00a0 At last he regained control enough so that he could speak.\u00a0 \u201cPa\u2026how are you\u2026feeling I mean?\u00a0 You don\u2019t feel sick or anything\u2026do you?\u201d<\/p>\n <\/p>\n Ben smiled and shook his head.\u00a0 \u201cNo, I\u2019m fine.\u00a0 Why, son?\u201d Ben asked, studying his son\u2019s expression.<\/p>\n <\/p>\n Joe\u2019s head dropped, he could barely make himself look into Ben\u2019s eyes.\u00a0 They shimmered with brightness, unlike the dull lifeless eyes of his dream.<\/p>\n <\/p>\n \u201cI was just wondering,\u201d Joe said in a tiny voice.<\/p>\n <\/p>\n Ben cupped the quivering chin, bringing Joe\u2019s face upward.\u00a0 His son\u2019s eyes had filled with tears and Ben could see the inner pain that Joe suffered and it tore at his heart.<\/p>\n <\/p>\n \u201cWhat\u2019s wrong son?\u201d Ben asked in a compassionate voice.<\/p>\n <\/p>\n Joe pulled his chin free of Ben\u2019s fingers and shook his head.\u00a0 \u201cNothing, it was only a dream,\u201d he whispered as he returned his head to his pillow.<\/p>\n <\/p>\n \u201cDo you want to tell me about it?\u201d<\/p>\n <\/p>\n \u201cNO!\u00a0 I mean, no\u2026it was nothing\u2026really,\u201d Joe was quick to answer.<\/p>\n <\/p>\n Ben folded his hands in his lap and watched Joe.\u00a0 \u201cMust be something, to have you so upset,\u201d he said calmly.<\/p>\n <\/p>\n \u201cNo\u2026just a silly dream, that\u2019s all.\u201d\u00a0 Joe turned over to the opposite side, putting his back to his father.\u00a0 \u201cCan I just go back to sleep now, please?\u201d he muttered.<\/p>\n <\/p>\n Ben stood to his feet, adjusted the blanket.\u00a0 When he reached the door, he paused, and glanced back over his shoulder.\u00a0 \u201cJoe, if you want to talk\u2026\u201d<\/p>\n <\/p>\n \u201cI don\u2019t\u2026but thanks anyway, Pa.\u201d<\/p>\n <\/p>\n Ben sighed and shut the door behind him.<\/p>\n <\/p>\n Alone at last, Joe flipped over onto his back.\u00a0 \u2018Why God?\u00a0 Why are you doing this to me?\u2019 cried Joe, feeling the pool of tears as they filled his eyes.\u00a0 \u2018I can\u2019t sleep, I can\u2019t eat, I can\u2019t get my work done, why?\u2019<\/p>\n <\/p>\n Joe rubbed the dampness from his face with the palms of his hands to dry the tears.\u00a0 \u2018I\u2019m scared\u2026it\u2019s his eyes, God\u2026they look so\u2026so empty\u2026so\u2026lifeless.\u2019<\/p>\n <\/p>\n Joe tossed back the blanket and scrambled from his bed.\u00a0 The sounds outside drew him to the window.\u00a0 Down below, Adam and Hoss were talking with some of the fellows from the bunkhouse, probably giving them their orders for the day, thought Joe.\u00a0 He watched as Ben crossed the yard to join them in conversation.\u00a0 It was impossible for Joe to pull his eyes from his father as Ben went about from man to man and then stopped to speak with his brothers.<\/p>\n <\/p>\n He smiled when he heard his father laugh and when Ben turned around and looked upward, it was as if their eyes met and locked together.\u00a0 Joe knew that from where he stood behind the sheers watching, it was impossible for his father to actually see him, let alone his eyes.\u00a0 But Joe continued to watch; he was drawn to his father.\u00a0 They shared a special relationship, the two of them.\u00a0No doubt, that Ben loved all his son\u2019s equally, but Joe knew, and so did his brothers, that with the two of them, it was different.\u00a0 Joe wasn\u2019t even sure how it was different, only that it was.<\/p>\n <\/p>\n Joe loved his father, worshipped him even.\u00a0 Ever since he had been little, Ben had always been Joe\u2019s hero, the man that he most desired to be like.\u00a0 Loving and kind compassionate and caring, Joe strove to pattern his life after his father\u2019s.\u00a0 He yearned for the same type of respect, the same kind of admiration from his father as he felt for Ben.\u00a0 His father was a man of honor, truthful and generous, gentle-hearted and probably the most gracious man that Joe had ever known.<\/p>\n <\/p>\n Joe smiled again, his nightmare forgotten as he turned from the window and returned to the bed.\u00a0 The two things that Joe loved most about his father, were Ben\u2019s deep booming voice that could rattle the windows when he was mad and shouting at you, and his deep dark eyes.<\/p>\n <\/p>\n The eyes, his father had always told him, were the windows to a man\u2019s soul.\u00a0 You could tell everything about a man, just by looking into his eyes.\u00a0 One could tell whether or not a man was lying or telling the truth.\u00a0 If the person was in pain, or frightened, or whether that person was happy or angry or even in love.\u00a0 The eyes told it all.\u00a0 Perhaps, thought Joe that\u2019s why I love his eyes the best.<\/p>\n <\/p>\n Joe slipped back into the bed and before long was sleeping.\u00a0 It was several hours later that he woke.\u00a0 He quickly brushed off the covers and grabbed his clothes.\u00a0 From the fading light that lingered at his window, Joe could tell that it was getting late.\u00a0 He hurried, for he had not intended to sleep all day, only a short while.\u00a0 There was work to be finished chores that needed his attention and several other things that he had planned to take care of this afternoon.<\/p>\n <\/p>\n From his desk, Ben glanced up as Joe made his way down the stairs.\u00a0 \u201cWell, good afternoon, young man.\u00a0 Did you sleep well?\u201d smiled Ben, standing to his feet and moving around his desk to greet his son.<\/p>\n <\/p>\n Ben was pleased to see the smile that graced his son\u2019s handsome face.\u00a0 He noted that the hazel eyes had cleared and now looked shiny and alert, the dark circles seemed to have diminished and over-all, Joe looked more like his old self.<\/p>\n <\/p>\n \u201cI certainly did.\u00a0 I feel like a million dollars, thanks Pa,\u201d smiled Joe as he joined his father.<\/p>\n <\/p>\n Ben rested his hand on Joe\u2019s shoulder.\u00a0 \u201cYou hungry?\u00a0 I think Hop Sing still has some chicken left over from lunch?\u201d<\/p>\n <\/p>\n \u201cNo\u2026I\u2019d really rather get to work, if you don\u2019t mind.\u00a0 I can eat when supper is ready,\u201d Joe smiled, noting that his father\u2019s eyes had not left his face.<\/p>\n <\/p>\n \u201cThat\u2019s fine Joseph.\u00a0 Hoss and Adam finished with the fence repair and I think I heard them ride in a few minutes ago.\u00a0 They\u2019re in the barn,\u201d Ben explained, walking with Joe to the front door and waiting while his son grabbed his hat.<\/p>\n <\/p>\n \u201cI better get out there then and help them with the chores.\u00a0 Ole Adam won\u2019t ever let me live this down as it is,\u201d laughed Joe.<\/p>\n <\/p>\n \u201cDon\u2019t take it to heart Joe, you know how your brothers like to tease you,\u201d Ben laughed also.<\/p>\n <\/p>\n \u201cI know\u2026,\u201d said Joe as he made his way across the yard to the barn.<\/p>\n <\/p>\n <\/p>\n \u201cSUPPER ON TABLE!\u201d shouted Hop Sing from the doorway.\u00a0 \u201cYOU COME NOW OR HOP SING LEAVE ON MORNIN\u2019 STAGE.\u00a0 GO BACK TO CHINA IF SUPPER GET COLD!\u201d<\/p>\n <\/p>\n Inside the barn, Joe and his two brothers started snickering.\u00a0 \u201cBetter hurry up, he sounds like he means it,\u201d laughed Adam.<\/p>\n <\/p>\n \u201cYeah, and if\u2019n he were to keep that promise, I\u2019d starve to death\u2026I hate Pa\u2019s cookin\u2019,\u201d groaned Hoss as he put away his tools.<\/p>\n <\/p>\n Joe tossed his saddle over the railing, and nodded his head.\u00a0 \u201cI\u2019ve not eaten all day, he doesn\u2019t have to ask me twice,\u201d he giggled.\u00a0 \u201cRace ya!\u201d he called as he bolted from the barn ahead of his brothers.<\/p>\n <\/p>\n Ben had just opened the door to call for his sons when he was all but plowed down by the sudden rush of bodies that converged on him.\u00a0 He stumbled backwards, almost falling on his behind, had it not been for Joe and Adam whose hands came out of nowhere to break his fall.<\/p>\n <\/p>\n \u201cYou all right, Pa?\u201d asked Adam anxiously, pulling on Ben\u2019s arm to keep him from hitting the floor.<\/p>\n <\/p>\n Ben\u2019s eyes were opened wide; his breath was coming in short spurts as he wrenched his arms free of Adam and Joe\u2019s hands.\u00a0 \u201cWell I was before I was practically trampled by three charging bulls!\u201d he shouted.<\/p>\n <\/p>\n \u201cWhat in the world has gotten into you boys?\u201d he demanded, straightening his clothes.<\/p>\n <\/p>\n \u201cMe?\u00a0 I didn\u2019t do nuthin\u2019, it was them two,\u201d moaned Hoss as he pointed to Little Joe and Adam.<\/p>\n <\/p>\n Joe spun around to face his middle brother.\u00a0 \u201cUs?\u00a0 You\u2019re the big ox that pushed us through the door!\u201d<\/p>\n <\/p>\n \u201cJoe\u2019s right, Pa.\u00a0 Hoss shoved us, we didn\u2019t mean to\u2026plow you down,\u201d Adam snickered.<\/p>\n <\/p>\n \u201cCome now!\u201d yelled Hop Sing, standing at the table, a dish in his hand.<\/p>\n <\/p>\n \u201cWe better sit down,\u201d suggested Adam, eyeing both of his brothers as he moved quickly to take his place.<\/p>\n <\/p>\n \u201cYeah, good idea, big brother,\u201d Joe said, suppressing a giggle that threatened to burst forth.<\/p>\n <\/p>\n \u201cHmm\u2026you comin\u2019, Pa?\u201d Hoss asked meekly, his face scrunched up.<\/p>\n <\/p>\n \u201cYes, yes\u2026just get your hands off me!\u00a0 I am capable of walking by myself!\u201d growled Ben.<\/p>\n <\/p>\n \u201cSorry\u2026sir,\u201d Hoss whispered and waited to follow his father to the table.<\/p>\n <\/p>\n <\/p>\n Ben got up from where he had been sitting in his leather chair and moved to the hearth.\u00a0 He turned his pipe upside down over the fire and tapped lightly on the stones to remove the tobacco from the pipe.\u00a0 Turning, he happened to glance up and saw that his youngest son was watching his every move.\u00a0 When Joe averted his eyes, Ben scowled slightly and went on with what he had been doing.<\/p>\n <\/p>\n Strange, thought Ben, Joe had been eyeing him for days now.\u00a0 Every time that he had turned around, it seemed as if Joe was always there, watching him.\u00a0 It had begun to grate on his nerves and he had meant to question his youngest son about it, but knowing that Joe had not been sleeping well and knowing of the boy\u2019s nightmares, Ben had put if off.\u00a0 He\u2019d brushed it aside for now, thinking that perhaps the nightmares had something to do with the way that Joe had been following him around.\u00a0 Ben glanced over his shoulder.<\/p>\n <\/p>\n \u201cJoseph,\u201d he said, straightening up and facing his youngest son.\u00a0 \u201cWhat is going on with you?\u201d he demanded, unable to let it pass this time.<\/p>\n <\/p>\n His words caught the attention of all three of his sons, each looking up at their father with surprised looks on their faces.\u00a0 When Ben moved to stand in front of Joe, who had suddenly risen to his feet and looked as if he had been caught with his hand in Hop Sing\u2019s cookie jar, Adam and Hoss\u2019 attention was diverted from their father\u2019s face to their younger brother\u2019s.<\/p>\n <\/p>\n \u201cNothing,\u201d stammered Joe, seeing the dark glow in his father\u2019s eyes.<\/p>\n <\/p>\n \u201cSomething must be\u2026you haven\u2019t taken your eyes off me since you came inside before supper.\u00a0 And you have been acting strangely for days.\u00a0 Now, I want an answer\u2026why are you following me around like a little lost puppy?\u201d Ben insisted, wanting to know, for the boy was beginning to try him just a bit.<\/p>\n <\/p>\n Joe dropped his head, afraid for his father to see the sudden dismay that he knew must surely show on his face.\u00a0 Joe swallowed hard, he hadn\u2019t meant for his father to catch him, he hadn\u2019t meant to upset his father, only to\u2026to what? Joe asked himself.<\/p>\n <\/p>\n He allowed his eyes to meet his father\u2019s.\u00a0 There it was again, that haunting, nagging fear that had kept him awake, night after night.\u00a0 Those eyes boring into his, searching his soul, and demanding an answer\u2026never leaving his face!\u00a0 Joe felt like crying but willed himself against it, for it would only draw more questions from his father, and put more stress on both of them.<\/p>\n <\/p>\n \u201cI\u2019m sorry, Pa\u2026I was\u2026I was only\u2026hmm, watching you?\u201d<\/p>\n <\/p>\n It was more of a question than a statement.\u00a0 Joe lowered his head, he knew he was stalling.\u00a0 When he heard his father sigh, he chanced looking up at Ben.<\/p>\n <\/p>\n \u201cWhat\u2019s the matter, Pa?\u201d he heard Adam ask.<\/p>\n <\/p>\n Ben had turned from them, his hand rubbing his mid-section.\u00a0 Joe\u2019s eyes widened, fear pierced his heart as he hurried around his father and placed both of his trembling hands on Ben\u2019s shoulders.<\/p>\n <\/p>\n \u201cPa, are you okay?\u201d Joe said in a quivering voice.<\/p>\n <\/p>\n Ben raised his head, seeing the fear in the hazel eyes that had suddenly filled with tears.\u00a0 He smiled and gently touched his son\u2019s arm.<\/p>\n <\/p>\n \u201cI\u2019m fine, Joseph.\u201d Ben turned to Adam and Hoss who had quickly jumped to their feet as well.\u00a0 \u201cI didn\u2019t mean to upset you boys, I suppose I ate too much,\u201d he laughed lightly, turning back to Joe.<\/p>\n <\/p>\n \u201cIts just a little heart burn, or gas.\u00a0 If you boy\u2019s don\u2019t mind, I think I\u2019ll turn in.\u00a0 I\u2019m sure it will pass and by morning, I\u2019ll feel just like new.\u201d\u00a0 Ben patted Joe on the shoulder and smiled.<\/p>\n <\/p>\n \u201cDon\u2019t look so frightened Joseph, I told you, I\u2019m fine\u2026honest.\u201d<\/p>\n <\/p>\n \u201cPa\u2026\u201d stammered Joe, unable to voice his thoughts.<\/p>\n <\/p>\n \u201cWhat is it son?\u201d Ben said, his voice making him to sound a little irritated.<\/p>\n <\/p>\n \u201cNothing\u2026night, Pa,\u201d Joe muttered, dropping his head so that Ben could not see his face.<\/p>\n <\/p>\n Ben\u2019s voice softened as he tenderly cupped Joe\u2019s chin and lifted his head.\u00a0 Ben\u2019s eyes searched his son\u2019s face, but whatever it was that had been troubling the boy, was gone now, or masked well enough that he could not see beyond the hidden wall.<\/p>\n <\/p>\n Joe stared into his father\u2019s eyes.\u00a0 He knew Ben was searching his face, seeking answers to his questions that he had refused to answer for his father.\u00a0 Joe felt himself sinking into the depths of the dark probing eyes that were looking at him with so much love and compassion.\u00a0 Dear God, his heart screamed, they were so warm and caring, so\u2026alive!<\/p>\n <\/p>\n Joe pinched his own eyes tightly together willing away the sudden vision that had unexpectedly clouded his own eyes with fear.<\/p>\n <\/p>\n \u201cJoseph,\u201d he heard his father whisper.<\/p>\n <\/p>\n Joe swallowed and opened his eyes.\u00a0 Ben was watching him intently.<\/p>\n <\/p>\n \u201cHmm\u2026I thought you were going to bed, Pa?\u201d Adam spoke up to break the tension that had suddenly developed between his younger brother and their father.<\/p>\n <\/p>\n Ben\u2019s head pivoted around, his hand dropped from Joe\u2019s chin, the moment had been broken.<\/p>\n <\/p>\n \u201cYes, I am,\u201d Ben said, smiling.\u00a0 \u201cGood night, boys.\u00a0 Don\u2019t stay up too, late.\u00a0 We have church in the morning.\u201d<\/p>\n <\/p>\n \u201cWe won\u2019t,\u201d promised Hoss.<\/p>\n <\/p>\n \u201cGood night, Pa, hope you get to feeling better,\u201d Adam added.<\/p>\n <\/p>\n \u201cThank you, son, I\u2019m sure I will,\u201d Ben declared.\u00a0 He turned back to Joe who had not moved.<\/p>\n <\/p>\n \u201cJoseph?\u201d<\/p>\n <\/p>\n \u201cNight Pa,\u201d Joe said in a weak voice.\u00a0 \u201cSleep well\u2026and\u2026if you need anything\u2026just call.\u201d<\/p>\n <\/p>\n Ben had made his way to the first step when he groaned and doubled up.\u00a0 As if on cue, all three of his sons rushed to his side.\u00a0 Joe was on the verge of panic.<\/p>\n <\/p>\n \u201cPA!\u201d he shouted, startling the others.<\/p>\n <\/p>\n Adam and Hoss stood on either side of their father, their hands on Ben\u2019s shoulders, easing Ben upright.\u00a0 Ben turned toward Joe, the discomfort plainly showing on his face.<\/p>\n <\/p>\n \u201cPlease don\u2019t shout, Joseph!\u201d<\/p>\n <\/p>\n \u201cI\u2019m sorry, Pa,\u201d Joe said in a softer voice.\u00a0 \u201cBut\u2026\u201d<\/p>\n <\/p>\n \u201cI\u2019m fine\u2026honest\u2026I just need to lay down.\u00a0 There is absolutely no need to worry; I just had a stomach cramp, that\u2019s all.\u00a0 Now let me go so I can go to bed\u2026please,\u201d Ben demanded in a commanding tone.<\/p>\n <\/p>\n Hoss and Adam both stepped back, giving their father room to climb the steps.\u00a0 When Ben had reached the top, he stopped and turned back to face all three sons.<\/p>\n <\/p>\n \u201cGood night.\u201d<\/p>\n <\/p>\n His tone had softened and he smiled.\u00a0 \u201cGas, that\u2019s all it is,\u201d he laughed.\u00a0 \u201cToo many sweet potatoes!\u201d<\/p>\n <\/p>\n His laughter could be heard until the sound of his bedroom door being shut, drowned out the musical notes of his laughter.<\/p>\n <\/p>\n \u201cJoe?\u201d Adam said, placing his hand on his brother\u2019s arm.<\/p>\n <\/p>\n \u201cWhat?\u201d growled Joe, his eyes fixed on the staircase where he had been watching his father\u2019s back as Ben climbed the stairs.<\/p>\n <\/p>\n \u201cHe\u2019s going to be fine\u2026you heard him\u2026it\u2019s only gas or heartburn,\u201d Adam said with concern for his brother\u2019s feelings.<\/p>\n <\/p>\n Joe turned to face Adam, \u201cI know, but it\u2019s just that\u2026well\u2026I don\u2019t like it when he\u2019s feeling poorly.\u201d<\/p>\n <\/p>\n \u201cNone of us do, Short Shanks.\u00a0 But even Pa can\u2019t feel good everyday\u2026as much as we\u2019d like for him to,\u201d smiled Hoss, encouragingly.<\/p>\n <\/p>\n \u201cI know that!\u201d snapped Joe.\u00a0 \u201cI just don\u2019t like to think of him\u2026dying, that\u2019s all.\u201d<\/p>\n <\/p>\n Hoss\u2019 eyes widened and he started to snicker. \u00a0Joe glared at his brother and then turned on Adam when he started to laugh as well.<\/p>\n <\/p>\n \u201cBuddy, no one ever died from having gas!\u201d laughed Adam, covering his face with his hand to try to gain control.<\/p>\n <\/p>\n Hoss was snickering so hard that he had tears in his eyes and he clamped his hand down on Joe\u2019s shoulder.<\/p>\n <\/p>\n \u201cJoe\u2026\u201d Hoss couldn\u2019t stop laughing.<\/p>\n <\/p>\n Joe wrenched his arm free and stomped up the stairs.\u00a0 The sound of his brother\u2019s laughter followed him all the way down the hall to his door.\u00a0 It was only when he had slammed the door that the sound ceased to mock him.<\/p>\n <\/p>\n Angrily, Joe flung himself down, across his bed.\u00a0 His dream seemed to be coming to life, a true to life nightmare he thought.\u00a0 He turned onto his back, staring up at the ceiling.<\/p>\n <\/p>\n \u2018Dear God,\u2019 Joe silently prayed, \u2018please\u2026I\u2026please God,\u2019 whispered Joe, unable to say the words aloud as he closed his eyes.<\/p>\n <\/p>\n <\/p>\n Joe had no clue as to what time it was, only that he had lain awake for several hours, unable to sleep.\u00a0 His father was constantly on his mind, his nightmare crowding his thoughts for equal time.\u00a0 When he could stand it no longer, Joe eased himself off the bed and slipped as quietly as possible out of his room, slowly making his way down the hall to his father\u2019s door.\u00a0 There he paused; listening for any clue that might alert him to the fact that his father was doing anything other than sleeping.<\/p>\n <\/p>\n Joe pushed gently on the door.\u00a0 It opened slowly and Joe peeked around the edge, trying to see into the dark room.\u00a0 Using caution, his heart pounding hard within his chest cavity, Joe snuck inside, closing the door quietly behind him.\u00a0 He had no need for a light for he had spent half his lifetime in this very room, with his father.\u00a0 He knew the layout as well as he did his own room and so, with confidence, he inched his way over to the bed.<\/p>\n <\/p>\n In the dimness of the night, he could easily make out his father\u2019s form, laying face up on the bed.\u00a0 Joe had no way of knowing whether Ben\u2019s eyes were opened in death or closed in sleep.\u00a0 His heart skipped a beat; his brow beaded with sweat\u2026what if his father was, as in his dream\u2026dead?<\/p>\n <\/p>\n Joe\u2019s hand stretched forward, trembling as he placed it on his father\u2019s arm.\u00a0 Before he could determine in his own mind, whether or not the flesh was cold or warm, he heard an unexpected swish of air and then something solid struck him on the chin.\u00a0 He staggered backwards, fell across the rocking chair and landed on his behind in the center of the room.<\/p>\n <\/p>\n \u201cOUCH! THAT HURT!\u201d cried a voice in the dark.<\/p>\n <\/p>\n From his bed, Ben spurted upward.\u00a0 He had heard the soft creaking of his door, had seen the shadowy figure as it stole across the room veiled in the darkness.\u00a0 When the intruder\u2019s hand touch his arm, Ben reacted and he swung out his fist.\u00a0 He had no idea that he had made his mark until the crashing body stumbled through the night and over his chair into the floor with a resounding thud.<\/p>\n <\/p>\n Ben hurried to light his lamp and when he turned, all color drained from his face.\u00a0 In the middle of the floor, trying, though ungracefully, to get to his feet, was his youngest son.<\/p>\n <\/p>\n \u201cJOSEPH FRANCIS CARTWRIGHT!\u201d shouted Ben, bending to offer a hand to his son.<\/p>\n <\/p>\n \u201cWHY\u2019D YA HIT ME?\u201d stormed Joe in a voice just as loud.<\/p>\n <\/p>\n \u201cWHY WERE YOU SNEAKING IN HERE, LIKE A THIEF IN THE NIGHT?\u201d bellowed Ben.<\/p>\n <\/p>\n \u201cPa\u2026please stop shouting, my head is busting,\u201d groaned Joe, rubbing the sore spot on his chin.<\/p>\n <\/p>\n \u201cI\u2019m sorry son, come over here and let me look at you,\u201d Ben said, guiding Joe to the light and making him to sit on the edge of the bed.<\/p>\n <\/p>\n \u201cOhh\u2026yuk,\u201d whispered Ben to himself.<\/p>\n <\/p>\n \u201cYuk?\u201d questioned Joe.\u00a0 \u201cWhat\u2019s that suppose to mean?\u201d he asked, holding Ben\u2019s hand that was probing about on his sore chin.<\/p>\n <\/p>\n \u201cI\u2019m sorry Joe, but you are going to have one first place bruise,\u201d Ben apologized.<\/p>\n <\/p>\n \u201cAw\u2026that\u2019s okay, Pa.\u00a0 I didn\u2019t mean to scare ya,\u201d Joe said in a tiny voice.\u00a0 His hand moved back and forth, his jaw held between his fingers, seeking to find whether or not the bone was broken.<\/p>\n <\/p>\n \u201cYou did scare me.\u00a0 Joseph, would you mind telling me just what you were doing in here in the first place?\u00a0 Don\u2019t you realize that sneaking around in someone else\u2019s room in the middle of the night could get you shot?\u201d Ben asked.<\/p>\n <\/p>\n When Joe looked up at him, Ben was startled to see the shine of tears that had filled his son\u2019s eyes.\u00a0 Quickly he sat down next to Joe and folded his hands across his chest.<\/p>\n <\/p>\n \u201cJoe,\u201d he said softly.<\/p>\n <\/p>\n When Joe refused to answer or look at him, Ben slipped his arm around Joe\u2019s shoulder.<\/p>\n <\/p>\n \u201cPlease look at me when I talk to you, Joseph.\u201d<\/p>\n <\/p>\n This time, Joe turned, brushing at the dampness on his face.<\/p>\n <\/p>\n \u201cYou have been acting strangely for over a week now.\u00a0 You\u2019ve followed me around like you used to do right after your mother passed away and you\u2019ve lost sleep, you won\u2019t eat\u2026and now I find you hovering over me like\u2026like you were expecting to find me dead or something.\u00a0 Now what\u2019s going on, young man?\u201d<\/p>\n <\/p>\n Ben heard the sudden intake of air that Joe took and forced Joe\u2019s face upward so that he could see into the hazel eyes that appeared so frightened.<\/p>\n <\/p>\n Suddenly and without warning, Ben knew.\u00a0 He knew what it was that troubled his youngest son and his heart melted instantly.<\/p>\n <\/p>\n \u201cJoseph,\u201d whispered Ben softly, tenderly pulling Joe\u2019s head down on his shoulder and gently caressing his son\u2019s thick mane.\u00a0 \u201cThat\u2019s it, isn\u2019t it?\u00a0 Your nightmare\u2026you dreamed that I was dead, or dying, didn\u2019t you?\u201d<\/p>\n <\/p>\n Joe, his throat thick with emotion could only nod his head in response.\u00a0 After a moment he raised up, looking into this father\u2019s eyes and seeing again, every ounce of love that Ben held in his heart for his son.<\/p>\n <\/p>\n \u201cYessir,\u201d he muttered.\u00a0 \u201cI dreamed you weren\u2019t feeling well, just like tonight. You said it wasn\u2019t anything to worry about and then you went to bed.\u00a0 I came in to check on you, and you were laying face up, just like you were\u2026only\u2026only I couldn\u2019t tell if your eyes were opened or closed.\u201d\u00a0 Joe took a deep breath and continued.<\/p>\n <\/p>\n \u201cIn my dream, they were opened, only\u2026only\u2026they looked so\u2026glazed\u2026unseeing.\u00a0 And you were cold when I touched you.\u201d\u00a0 Joe paused again before going on.<\/p>\n <\/p>\n \u201cPa\u2026your eyes\u2026they scared me cause\u2026well\u2026just because.\u00a0 They didn\u2019t look the same\u2026not like they do right now.\u201d<\/p>\n <\/p>\n \u201cHow did they look, son?\u201d Ben asked, every bit of compassion he felt for his son, shining in the eyes that took in every physical expression of his son\u2019s face.<\/p>\n <\/p>\n \u201cCold, not warm and inviting\u2026like\u2026like\u2026chocolate,\u201d stammered Joe.<\/p>\n <\/p>\n \u201cChocolate?\u201d murmured Ben, though he was not mocking his son\u2019s words.\u00a0 \u201cWhy like chocolate?\u201d<\/p>\n <\/p>\n Joe pressed his lips tightly together.\u00a0 \u201cYes, like chocolate\u2026your eyes, they are the color of chocolate,\u201d explained Joe and turned so that he could plainly see his father.<\/p>\n <\/p>\n \u201cWhen mama died, Hop Sing made me a chocolate cake and chocolate cookies and told me if I\u2019d eat them, they would make me feel better.\u00a0 The cake was warm and inviting and it did make me feel better, for a little while anyway.\u00a0 I remember one day when I was sitting in your lap, after you had gotten to feel better, and I was looking into your eyes.\u00a0 I remember thinking \u2018Papa\u2019s eyes remind me of the color of Hop Sing\u2019s chocolate cake.\u2019\u00a0 I\u2019ve never forgotten that moment, Pa, ever.\u00a0 Every time you look at me or I look at you, I think of how warm and safe I\u2019ve always felt when you were nearby.\u00a0 And when I think back to that day in your lap and I realize that it was then that I knew, it wasn\u2019t Hop Sing\u2019s cake or cookies that I needed to comfort me, but you, and your eyes, the color of chocolate.\u201d<\/p>\n <\/p>\n Joe brushed his hand across his face for a second time and took a deep breath.<\/p>\n <\/p>\n \u201cIn my dream that was gone, and I felt all alone and scared, just like when mama died.\u00a0 I couldn\u2019t see the chocolate in your eyes, it was gone and I\u2026I\u2026got scared tonight\u2026when you said you weren\u2019t feeling well\u2026I was\u2026afraid\u2026\u201d Joe\u2019s voice drifted off and he glanced up at his father, surprised to see the shine of unshed tears in the chocolate eyes that he loved so much.<\/p>\n <\/p>\n Ben wrapped his arms about Joe, pulling him in close to his heart.\u00a0 Ben made a sniffling sound of his own and smiled through his tears.<\/p>\n <\/p>\n \u201cI had no idea that you felt like that son,\u201d whispered Ben.\u00a0 \u201cI had no way of knowing that just the simple act of holding someone whom you love more than life, could make such a lasting memory.\u00a0 I think it\u2019s a beautiful way to be remembered, thank you, son,\u201d Ben said and gave Joe a tight squeeze and a quick kiss on his brow.<\/p>\n <\/p>\n \u201cNo, I thank you, Pa\u2026for all the years that you\u2019ve given of yourself, to me.\u00a0 You\u2019ve never complained, never once wished your life had been any different.\u00a0 You\u2019ve always done your best for me, for all of us.\u00a0 If my life had been just the opposite, if I hadn\u2019t had all that you\u2019ve worked so hard to give to me, I wouldn\u2019t care.\u00a0 My greatest treasure in my whole life would be when you look at me, just like you are now.\u201d<\/p>\n <\/p>\n Joe dropped his head and then quickly raised it again.\u00a0 \u201cI love you, Pa\u2026\u201d stammered Joe, suddenly feeling a mite shy about admitting his true feelings to the one person whom he loved and admired most.<\/p>\n <\/p>\n Ben cupped the quivering chin with his fingers and smiled.\u00a0 \u201cAnd I love you,\u201d Ben answered.<\/p>\n <\/p>\n \u201cNow, if I remember correctly, I think Hop Sing still has some of that cake left that he baked this afternoon.\u00a0 How about if we sneak off down to the kitchen and have a piece?\u201d Ben suggested softly.<\/p>\n <\/p>\n \u201cIs it chocolate?\u201d giggled Joe cheerfully.<\/p>\n <\/p>\n \u201cYou know, I believe it is,\u201d laughed Ben warmly.<\/p>\n <\/p>\n \u201cGood, chocolate\u2019s my favorite!\u201d<\/p>\n <\/p>\n Both father and son chuckled, locking their arms about each other as they slipped from the room and headed in the direction of the kitchen.<\/p>\n <\/p>\n The End<\/p>\n <\/p>\nMay 2003<\/span><\/h1>\n