{"id":12305,"date":"2006-05-01T01:31:55","date_gmt":"2006-05-01T05:31:55","guid":{"rendered":"https:\/\/bonanzabrand.info\/library\/?p=12305"},"modified":"2025-02-27T12:10:27","modified_gmt":"2025-02-27T17:10:27","slug":"thoughts-from-the-man-in-black-by-debbieb","status":"publish","type":"post","link":"https:\/\/bonanzabrand.info\/library\/?p=12305","title":{"rendered":"Thoughts from the Man in Black (by DebbieB)"},"content":{"rendered":"

Summary:<\/strong>\u00a0Adam’s reveals his innermost feelings after suffering a broken heart<\/p>\n

Rated:<\/strong>\u00a0 G\u00a0 (2,000 words)<\/p>\n

Thoughts Series:<\/strong><\/p>\n

Thoughts from the Man in Black<\/a>
\nThoughts, This Time from Little Joe<\/a>
\nThoughts, Hoss’ Own<\/a>
\nThoughts… Joe’s Apology<\/a>
\nThoughts… Ben’s<\/a>
\nThoughts… Leilani Speaks Out<\/a><\/p>\n

Thoughts… From the Man in Black<\/strong><\/p>\n

I felt like an utter fool, being so gullible and all. But for some strange reason, I just couldn\u2019t help myself, she was beautiful and I reacted like a little kid in the candy store. I think what surprised me the most about myself was how I felt when my family found out just how badly I\u2019d made a fool out of myself. I wouldn\u2019t admit it to them because I\u2019m the kind of man who keeps his deepest emotions to himself, but I found myself hurt by their reactions. I mean\u2026me, Adam Cartwright, brought to the verge of tears by the wiles of a young woman\u2026that isn\u2019t me, not in the least. That is, until this time.<\/p>\n

Maybe I was in love with Leilani; perhaps that\u2019s why this has hurt me so much. Then, the fact that my middle brother showed such concern and pity for me\u2026pity\u2026I hate that word almost as much as I hate the emotion, especially when it\u2019s given to me! Hoss tried his best not to let it show, but the big man is so easy to read, like an opened book. It was in his eyes, it was in the tone of his voice and even showed in his actions. He pitied me, plain and simple. The situation with Hoss was almost as unbearable as when Leilani looked me eye to eye and burst out laughing, mocking me, belittling my love for her, as if I\u2019d been nothing more than a play toy for her. Someone to wile away her lonely hours, someone to hold her in the darkest hours of the night, someone to make\u2026love\u2026to her\u2026someone to use for her own gratification, only to be tossed aside when she had enough of me, or became bored with me. Dam\u2026it\u2019s times like this that I wished I\u2019d never been born\u2026no\u2026I don\u2019t really mean that. My life hasn\u2019t always been a bed of roses, but it certainly hasn\u2019t been hell on earth either. I do wish however, that I had left home a year or so ago\u2026only because had I, my family wouldn\u2019t have become so caught up in my private affairs.<\/p>\n

And then there was Little Joe. He laughed at me! That stung; it hurt. Oh, my kid brother didn\u2019t mean to hurt me, in fact, he has no clue how his laughing affected me. In my heart of hearts, I know Little Joe isn\u2019t the sort of young man to who goes around mocking his older brothers or one who gets pleasure out of seeing one of us hurting. I just think that Joe simply didn\u2019t think\u2026or maybe didn\u2019t realize\u2026how deeply I had fallen into love with Leilani. Joe probably thought I was only seeing her because she was so lovely, so desirable\u2026being but 18 years old, those are the reasons Joe would have chased after such a beautiful young woman. But it shouldn\u2019t have been the reasons I did so. I\u2019m not even sure why I did\u2026I honestly think\u2026now that I can look back at it without stars in my eyes, that I was so fascinated by her charm, her mannerisms and her beauty, that I found myself caught up in a sort of dream I must have had about possessing her. Little Joe had even gone so far\u2026in the beginning of the courtship\u2026as to ask me what, beside her strikingly good looks, did I see in the woman. Well, hell Joe, I remember thinking at the time\u2026look at her! Pa always told us that hindsight was 20×20. Looking back to that beginning, now I see myself reacting much as Little Joe might have reacted, had he seen her before I had. He would have pursued her as ardently, if not more so, than I. I don\u2019t know why I did\u2026I\u2019m such an idiot. I can tell you this much\u2026it won\u2019t happen again\u2026ever again. If I learned anything, I learned that the old saying, \u2018beauty is only skin deep\u2019, is certainly the truth. Leilani was as fake as any woman I\u2019ve ever met. And she certainly proved that her beauty was only on the surface and that beneath that lovely exterior laid a harsh, cruel and bitter young woman.<\/p>\n

I\u2019m not sure how I missed seeing or sensing that the very first day I spent with her. I can honestly admit\u2026to myself, God, I\u2019d never admit this to another living person\u2026ever, for I\u2019d never hear the end of it. But Miss Abigail Jones is ten times more the lady than Leilani. Miss Jones might not be the looker that Leilani is, but what she possesses within her heart and soul is something that the beautiful Leilani could learn from, if she\u2019d the desire, which I\u2019m positive she doesn\u2019t. I feel guilty now for all the times that I\u2019ve shunned Abigail and thought her flighty and fought against her true emotions. I feel twice the fool when I think about how she feels towards me and I toward her and how differently I\u2019ll treat her from now on. I will show more respect for her feelings\u2026NO\u2026I will not become involved with her, but I will be kinder. I\u2019ve been broken inside by someone I thought I loved\u2026I\u2019ll not do to Abigail what Leilani has done to me.<\/p>\n

Pa\u2026God bless the man. He\u2019s been my strength since I was a baby. I\u2019ve spent so much of my life, patterning myself after him, wanting to be the kind of man that he is, that I find myself falling short of the task so many times. He\u2019s a tough act to follow. Pa told me one day, many years ago that as I grow, I must shape myself into the kind of man that is right for me. He said it was all right to pattern myself like him, but it was only through life\u2019s trials and tribulations that I\u2019d become who I was really meant to be. So, I gave up trying to \u2018be\u2019 Ben Cartwright and started to take what I had learned from him and whatever life tossed my way and using those tools along with the good book, I slowly began to learn to be myself. I can\u2019t say that I\u2019m \u2018there\u2019 yet\u2026especially after what has happened here. I almost feel as if I\u2019ve taken a few giant steps backward into my more youthful days rather than the steps forward needed to reach manhood. But at what point in life does a man feel the freedom to deem himself a man? I mean, look at me\u2026I\u2019m thirty years old, certainly not young, like my kid brother. I should have acted more like a thirty year old instead of an eighteen year old. I simply should have known better than to fall for a pretty face and shapely figure. I should have\u2026known better. I keep telling myself that over and over and over, but it doesn\u2019t seem to sink in. I didn\u2019t\u2026and I can\u2019t explain it.<\/p>\n

And then Pa came to my room last night. I was lying on the bed, wishing I could drop off the face of the earth. Hoss\u2019 pity burned in my gut, Joe\u2019s laughter ran in my ears and then Pa knocked on the door. I know when he pushed the door opened and saw me on the bed, staring up at the ceiling, that he heard me groan. He knew that I knew he was there to lecture me about all of this. I knew his intentions were good, he knew I understood that, but I knew he knew I wasn\u2019t looking forward to one of his speeches. I even told him so.<\/p>\n

\u201cPa,\u201d I said to him, \u201cI\u2019m not ready for this\u2026I don\u2019t want to talk about it\u2026\u201d<\/p>\n

And Pa simply answered with, \u201cI know. So, I\u2019ll talk, you listen.\u201d And then he said to me:<\/p>\n

\u201cAdam, just listen, you won\u2019t have to say a word until I\u2019m finished, if you want to\u2026and if not\u2026that\u2019s okay, as long as you hear what I\u2019m going to say to you.\u201d<\/p>\n

I rose up and turned myself around until I was sitting on the edge of my bed, looking across at my father. He had pulled up a chair and sat facing me.<\/p>\n

\u201cAdam, life can at times be cruel\u2026like right now. But as we grow up, we learn that even the one person that wasn\u2019t supposed to ever let you down probably will. You will have your heart broken probably more than just once and it\u2019s harder every time it happens. You\u2019ll break hearts too, son, so remember how it feels right now as you try to mend this broken heart. You\u2019ll fight with your best friend, even with your brothers and probably with me. You\u2019ll blame a new love for things an old love has done. You\u2019ll cry because time is passing too fast\u2026and you\u2019ll eventually lose someone you love\u2026because of death\u2026or simply because they decide to leave you. It happens, Adam, but that\u2019s the way with life.<\/p>\n

So, my advice to you is to make too many good memories, laugh too much and love like you\u2019ve never been hurt because for every sixty seconds you spend upset and moping around, wishing you can change something that cannot be changed, is a minute of happiness that you\u2019ll never get back. It\u2019s gone, son\u2026it\u2019s wasted\u2026don\u2019t waste precious time grieving about something that cannot be. Somewhere down the road of your life\u2026is exactly what you\u2019re searching for\u2026trust me, Adam\u2026I\u2019ve traveled those same roads before and I know what I\u2019m talking about.\u201d<\/p>\n

Pa\u2019s words hit me like a ton of rocks. I just looked up at him without uttering a word. It was hard to see him clearly, for my eyes had misted over. I felt his strong fingers squeeze my shoulder and then heard the door close behind him. He had left me to ponder over his words and to give me a moment to compose myself. I hung my head and let the tears drip slowly from my eyes. It had been a long time\u2026a very long time since I had allowed myself the privilege of crying. When I was finished, I was surprised at how much better I felt. Getting up, I walked to the window and pulled back the drapes. Pa, Hoss and Little Joe were finishing up the nightly chores. I could only suspect that my brothers had done mine for me. Pa had probably suggested to them that they do\u2026and being as how they\u2019re really good kids, they complied willingly\u2026well, at least Hoss would have. I can just hear in my mind, Little Joe though, putting up a protest, knowing fully well that he\u2019d do them just the same.<\/p>\n

Whew\u2026it\u2019s over\u2026done. I might as well put it all behind me. There certainly isn\u2019t any use crying over spilled milk\u2026or lost love. But was it \u2018love\u2019? Not according to how I\u2019m feeling. Didn\u2019t someone once say that love isn\u2019t suppose to hurt? That\u2019s bull\u2026it does hurt\u2026but when it\u2019s right, the hurt is good, not bad like this kind of hurt. I rinsed off my face and dried it, buttoned my shirt and put on my best face. It was time to meet the family for supper. From this moment on\u2026I start living my life according to Pa\u2019s words. I\u2019m going downstairs and make Little Joe laugh\u2026I love his childish laughter, and I\u2019m going to make Hoss look less pitifully at me and Pa\u2026well, he\u2019s given me a special memory. He\u2019s given me his\u2026life\u2026his love\u2026his wisdom\u2026all I can give him is the same. I\u2019ll cherish the memories, and I\u2019ll make more\u2026happier ones, so that when I lose those that I love most\u2026they, in a sense will always be with me, for no matter what happens, no one can take the memories I hold dear, away\u2026and those bad memories\u2026well\u2026I\u2019ll have to work on ridding myself of them.<\/p>\n

Think positive\u2026and remember what you have to be thankful for\u2026Family, Friends\u2026loved ones\u2026memories!<\/p>\n

Adam Cartwright<\/p>\n

Next Story in the Thoughts Series:<\/strong><\/p>\n

Thoughts, This Time from Little Joe<\/a>
\nThoughts, Hoss’ Own<\/a>
\nThoughts… Joe’s Apology<\/a>
\nThoughts… Ben’s<\/a>
\nThoughts… Leilani Speaks Out<\/a><\/p>\n

 <\/p>\n

 <\/p>\n

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<\/div>\n","protected":false},"excerpt":{"rendered":"

Summary:\u00a0Adam’s reveals his innermost feelings after suffering a broken heart<\/p>\n

Rated:\u00a0 G\u00a0 (2,000 words)<\/p>\n

Thoughts Series, links to all the stories within the series included.<\/p>\n","protected":false},"author":9052,"featured_media":9576,"comment_status":"open","ping_status":"closed","sticky":false,"template":"template-full-width-post.php","format":"standard","meta":{"_jetpack_newsletter_access":"","_jetpack_dont_email_post_to_subs":false,"_jetpack_newsletter_tier_id":0,"_jetpack_memberships_contains_paywalled_content":false,"_jetpack_memberships_contains_paid_content":false,"footnotes":"","jetpack_post_was_ever_published":false},"categories":[23],"tags":[14],"class_list":["post-12305","post","type-post","status-publish","format-standard","has-post-thumbnail","hentry","category-drama","tag-adam-cartwright","wpcat-23-id"],"a3_pvc":{"activated":true,"total_views":2308,"today_views":0},"jetpack_featured_media_url":"https:\/\/i0.wp.com\/bonanzabrand.info\/library\/wp-content\/uploads\/2014\/08\/6.jpg?fit=414%2C416&ssl=1","jetpack_likes_enabled":true,"jetpack-related-posts":[{"id":12309,"url":"https:\/\/bonanzabrand.info\/library\/?p=12309","url_meta":{"origin":12305,"position":0},"title":"Thoughts, Hoss’ Own (by DebbieB)","author":"DebbieB","date":"May 1, 2006","format":false,"excerpt":"Summary:\u00a0Hoss has thoughts of his own concerning his older brother's broken heart. 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