{"id":12351,"date":"2015-12-19T14:42:47","date_gmt":"2015-12-19T19:42:47","guid":{"rendered":"https:\/\/bonanzabrand.info\/library\/?p=12351"},"modified":"2025-02-18T19:18:26","modified_gmt":"2025-02-19T00:18:26","slug":"one-scarlet-lily-book-3-of-the-lilies-series","status":"publish","type":"post","link":"https:\/\/bonanzabrand.info\/library\/?p=12351","title":{"rendered":"One Scarlet Lily&#8211;Book 3 of the Lilies Series (by sandspur)"},"content":{"rendered":"<p><strong>Summary:<\/strong> Adam and Joe leave the Ponderosa, perhaps for good, in the wake\u00a0of tragedy and misunderstanding. But the danger only Adam knew about is still with them. <em>Note:<\/em> the backstory is filled in gradually, through a series of nonsequential flashbacks.<\/p>\n<p><strong>Rating&#8211;T.<\/strong> Contains some violence, mild language, a grisly murder scene and a couple of animal death scenes.\u00a0 (105,500 words)<\/p>\n<p><strong>The Lilies Series:<\/strong><\/p>\n<p><a href=\"https:\/\/bonanzabrand.info\/library\/?p=10721\">The Lilies of the Field<\/a><br \/>\n<a href=\"https:\/\/bonanzabrand.info\/library\/?p=11970\">The Lilies of the Valley<\/a><br \/>\n<a href=\"https:\/\/bonanzabrand.info\/library\/?p=12351\">One Scarlet Lily<\/a><br \/>\n<a href=\"https:\/\/bonanzabrand.info\/library\/?p=12386\">The Strawberry Roan<\/a><\/p>\n<p>&nbsp;<\/p>\n<p><strong>Warning #1:<\/strong> Murder and mayhem abound in this one folks! Contains a continuation of a WHI for \u201cForever,\u201d a \u201cWHL\u201d for \u201cDeath at Dawn,\u201d and a continuation of a \u201cWHL\u201d for \u201cThe Savage.\u201d<\/p>\n<p><strong>Warning #2:<\/strong> This is the third story of a series and builds on the second story. If you haven\u2019t read \u201cThe Lilies of the Valley\u201d at the very least, you\u2019re probably going to be lost. But if you want to try and read this anyway, here\u2019s what you need to know.<\/p>\n<ul>\n<li>At the end of \u201cThe Lilies of the Field,\u201d (#1) Adam married Virginia City\u2019s \u201cscandalous schoolmarm,\u201d Tilly Hoffman, and he, Tilly, and Adam\u2019s dog Lady departed for Europe.<\/li>\n<li>\u201cThe Lilies of the Valley\u201d (#2) describes how Adam and Tilly were trapped in Paris during a war and eventually deported to a tiny prison island in the Pacific. During that time, Adam endured interrogation and torture that left him with grave injuries, both physical and spiritual.<\/li>\n<li>\u201cThe Lilies of the Valley\u201d also recounts what happened on the Ponderosa during that time:\n<ul>\n<li>Although Ben mounted an investigation, he was unable to find any record of what happened to Adam and Tilly, leaving them presumed dead;<\/li>\n<li>Hoss married a tall, blonde lady named Veralyn Mason (an OC);<\/li>\n<li>Joe married Alice Harper (from <em>Forever<\/em>) and they had a little girl they named Bonnie Marie;<\/li>\n<li>Ben found himself in a strange relationship with Beth Cameron (from <em>Death at Dawn);<\/em><\/li>\n<li>Ben, Joe and Hoss learned that unknown to Adam, his \u201cmarriage\u201d to Ruth Halverson (in \u201cThe Savage\u201d and \u201cThe Lilies of the Field\u201d) had born fruit\u2014namely a boy named Audun\u2014and that Ruth was dead.<\/li>\n<li>The three Cartwrights retrieved Audun and brought him to the Ponderosa.<\/li>\n<\/ul>\n<\/li>\n<li>Everyone was reunited and the story wrapped up over Christmas 1873.<\/li>\n<\/ul>\n<p><strong>Warning #3:<\/strong> People heal abnormally fast in Bonanza. Whether the wound is physical (<em>Honor of Cochise<\/em>, anyone? I won\u2019t even mention Little Joe\u2026) or psychological, the guys are always hale and hearty by next week\u2019s episode. Okay, in sandspur\u2019s world, physical wounds leave scars and sometimes more; likewise wounds to the heart and head. All this to say you\u2019ll see Adam and Joe do some strange things in this story, but cut them some slack as they\u2019ve been through a lot.<\/p>\n<p>&nbsp;<\/p>\n<p style=\"text-align: center;\"><strong>One Scarlet Lily<\/strong><strong>\u00a0<\/strong><\/p>\n<p><strong>Chapter 1<\/strong><\/p>\n<p><strong><em>April, 1875<\/em><\/strong><\/p>\n<p><em>\u00a0<\/em>In the wee hours before dawn, Adam Cartwright sat on the porch, staring across the yard. Cochise and Sport were waiting at the hitching rail, saddled and carrying full bedrolls and bags. When Joe arrived, the two of them were leaving, and without any idea of when, or if, they\u2019d be back.<\/p>\n<p>He clenched his right hand into a fist, ignoring the pain from the two injured fingers. \u201cJust be glad you still have them,\u201d Paul had reminded him many times; so had Audun and the Chinese doctor, Kam Lee. He was getting tired of hearing about all the things he had to be grateful for.<\/p>\n<p>A cold, wet nose poked his hand, and when he didn\u2019t respond, a wide, wedge-shaped head followed, shoving against his hand until he loosened his fist, slid a finger under the dog\u2019s ear and began to scratch.<\/p>\n<p><em>Somebody still loves me<\/em>, he thought as the dog bounded off to find a stick for him to throw.<\/p>\n<p style=\"text-align: center;\">**<\/p>\n<p>Hoss Cartwright shifted miserably in his bed and looked at his father. \u201cThey need me\u2026I oughtta be goin\u2019 too.\u201d<\/p>\n<p>\u201cInfluenza is not something to be taken lightly. You take your medicine and concentrate on getting better.\u201d Ben\u2019s voice shook a little as he said it. There was no way he would say it out loud, but they both knew there were far too many gray marble slabs in that pleasant wooded area by the lake.<\/p>\n<p>\u201cI ain\u2019t got the influenza,\u201d Hoss muttered. <em>This is no time for my body to go against me\u2026 <\/em><\/p>\n<p style=\"text-align: center;\">**<\/p>\n<p>Tilly Cartwright was curled into a ball, forcing herself to breathe evenly. In the cradle nearby, Robin was contentedly chewing on his rattle, but it wouldn\u2019t be long before he\u2019d be bellowing for breakfast or climbing out to look for her. With any luck, though, she could pretend she was asleep until Adam left. But then\u2026then, she\u2019d have to wonder if he\u2019d come back.<\/p>\n<p style=\"text-align: center;\">**<\/p>\n<p>Adam rose to his feet and pulled the thick envelope from his coat pocket. He turned it over and over in his hands, and finally clenched his jaw, went back inside and swiftly walked to the downstairs guest room he and Tilly had shared for the last year and a half. He opened the door and stood still, looking. Tilly was curled up facing the wall, apparently asleep, but he had no doubt she was only pretending. It made him remember just how many other things she had pretended over the last two years. He swallowed and set the envelope on the table beside the bed. Without a glance at the chubby blond boy in the cradle, he turned and walked back out.<\/p>\n<p>Ben was just coming down the stairs. \u201cAdam\u2026\u201d<\/p>\n<p>Adam stopped. \u201cHave you seen Audun this morning?\u201d<\/p>\n<p>Ben looked down. \u201cHe left half an hour or so ago. I suppose he was going to the lake\u2014he prefers it to Willet Creek.\u201d<\/p>\n<p>\u201cThat\u2019s a fine sendoff,\u201d Adam said in a voice devoid of tone.<\/p>\n<p>\u201cWhat was the point in staying?\u201d Beth Cartwright asked, putting down her coffee as she rose from the settee. \u201cHe did everything in his power to talk you and Joe out of this last night, just like the rest of us.\u201d<\/p>\n<p>That wasn\u2019t quite true, Adam reflected. It hadn\u2019t been \u201cthe rest of us.\u201d Tilly hadn\u2019t said a word. Not that it would have made a difference. \u201cJoe\u2019s going,\u201d Adam said. \u201cHe needs me.\u201d<\/p>\n<p>\u201cYou keep saying that, but you won\u2019t say why,\u201d Beth argued. Ben silenced her with a look.<\/p>\n<p>\u201cYou\u2019re right, of course,\u201d Ben said in a voice that was almost a whisper. \u201cHe shouldn\u2019t be alone. I\u2019ll be counting on you to take care of him\u2026we all will.\u201d<\/p>\n<p>Joe walked in from the kitchen with his hat, coat, and gun belt on. His hands had finally healed enough to wear gloves, but he hadn\u2019t put them on yet. \u201cIf you still insist on coming, then let\u2019s go,\u201d was all he said. He walked past his father and straight out the door.<\/p>\n<p>Ben blinked a couple of times. \u201cAdam\u2026take care of him.\u201d<\/p>\n<p>Adam nodded without expression and followed his brother.<\/p>\n<p>He heard Beth\u2019s indignant voice behind him: \u201cWhat if they don\u2019t come back?\u201d<\/p>\n<p style=\"text-align: center;\">**<\/p>\n<p>Once again a cold nose thrust itself into Adam\u2019s hand. Blue eyes looked up at him in concern. Adam\u2019s throat tightened. As Joe mounted Cochise, the dog rose up on its hind legs, licking urgently at Adam\u2019s face. \u201cNo. Sit.\u201d Obediently, the dog formed a perfect sit, looking up at Adam with pleading blue eyes. Lady\u2019s eyes\u2026disconcerting, that\u2019s what it was, Adam thought for the hundredth time in a month\u2026but then very few things about the last few months had not been disconcerting. \u201cStay.\u201d<\/p>\n<p>He walked over to Sport, untied him and swung into the saddle. \u201cStay,\u201d he repeated, then wheeled Sport to lope out of the yard after Joe. A pair of woebegone blue canine eyes watched him go.<\/p>\n<p><strong>Chapter 2<\/strong><\/p>\n<p><strong><em>April, 1875<\/em><\/strong><\/p>\n<p>Hearing the horses as they left, Tilly sat up and put on her housecoat. She looked at the letter on the table and wondered at the thickness of the envelope. Curiosity overcoming nausea for the moment, she opened the package. Inside she found more cash than she\u2019d ever seen in her life, and a brief note containing more anger than she had ever thought to read from that hand. There was no salutation; it simply plunged in\u2026and it must have been aimed to kill.<\/p>\n<p><em>I could forgive you almost anything. But there are some things a man doesn\u2019t forgive a wife, no matter how much he loves her\u2014and I love you, as truly as a man ever loved a woman. Still, since your feelings haven\u2019t changed, there\u2019s no point in prolonging this.<\/em><\/p>\n<p><em>I don\u2019t know when I\u2019ll be back, but it\u2019s better for us both if you\u2019re not here. I hear Bavaria is a pretty place. This money should be more than enough to get you there, and when you arrive you can wire the bank for another $25,000. The total sum, divided across the six years we\u2019ve been together, will average to about $20 per night, which is about the price for any woman in town. Don\u2019t be too offended; you were worth more than that to me, and I\u2019m sure you\u2019ll be treasured far more by the man you\u2019ve given your heart to. Don\u2019t worry about the boy; I expect he\u2019s old enough now to do fine without you. You are free to go.<\/em><\/p>\n<p><em>I don\u2019t hate you. I\u2019m stupid enough to still love you. I wish you well. But please understand that I never want to see you again.<\/em><\/p>\n<p><em>Adam<\/em><\/p>\n<p>Tilly re-folded the letter\u00a0 and returned it to the envelope. She counted the stack of hundreds: $15,000. Certainly more than enough to get her to Bavaria\u2014though why he would have thought of that destination was more than she could fathom. And\u2026the man she\u2019d given her heart to?<\/p>\n<p>\u201cAdam,\u201d she murmured, \u201cYour father\u2019s right\u2014sometimes your education really does get in the way of your thinking.\u201d She looked over at the cradle, where the big blond boy was staring at her and waving his rattle. \u201cMa\u2026ma\u2026ma\u2026.\u201d<\/p>\n<p>\u201cNo.\u201d She smiled weakly and shook her head. \u201cDon\u2019t say that.\u201d<\/p>\n<p>He held out his arms, and she picked him up, then cleaned, changed, and fed him. But as she took him downstairs, the smell of bacon and coffee overpowered her will. \u201cCan you take him?\u201d she asked Beth\u2014and broke into a run.<\/p>\n<p>She barely made it to the outhouse in time.<\/p>\n<p>When she emerged, Beth was standing there, waiting for her with her overcoat. She shrugged it on and mumbled something that might have been \u201cthanks.\u201d Then: \u201cWhere\u2019s Robin?\u201d<\/p>\n<p>\u201cBen has him. How long have you known, Tilly?\u201d<\/p>\n<p>\u201cI don\u2019t know,\u201d she sighed. \u201cA few weeks, I guess. Maybe more.\u201d<\/p>\n<p>\u201cI thought nursing women couldn\u2019t\u2014\u201d<\/p>\n<p>\u201cI always heard that, too. Audun says it\u2019s wrong. Apparently he knows what he\u2019s talking about.\u201d<\/p>\n<p>\u201cYou knew, but you never told Adam? For heaven\u2019s sake, Tilly, he might have stayed!\u201d<\/p>\n<p>\u201cNot for Cadwallader and all his goats, Beth.\u201d<\/p>\n<p>\u201cBut he had no business leaving you to go with Joe! If you had just told him\u2026\u201d<\/p>\n<p>\u201cAnd forced him to choose between his brother and me?\u201d Tilly laughed aloud, but there was no humor in it. \u201cWhen a woman marries a Cartwright, Beth, she marries the whole family. You should know that.\u201d<\/p>\n<p><strong><em>Arrival Day\u2014November, 1873<\/em><\/strong><\/p>\n<p>\u201cI\u2019m glad to meet you too, but what was all that about?\u201d Veralyn\u2019s voice made Alice look at her in surprise\u2014apparently that no-nonsense tone was not one she was known for.<\/p>\n<p>Tilly smiled an apology. \u201cI shouldn\u2019t have rushed you out of the room like that. I really have always wanted sisters, and I\u2019m glad to meet you both. But right now, Adam needs to talk to Ben without us. I thought you all would know we were coming home; I sent a letter almost two months ago, and then a telegram last week from New York. Since neither of those reached you, Adam needs to tell Ben where we\u2019ve been, and that\u2019s not going to be easy for him in any case, especially not with women in the room. You know how delicate men think we are.\u201d She rolled her eyes at that, and Veralyn and Alice giggled.<\/p>\n<p>\u201cWell, we do need to start getting all this food set up,\u201d Alice said. \u201cIf you don\u2019t mind helping\u2026\u201d<\/p>\n<p>\u201cIt\u2019s a welcome relief,\u201d Tilly replied. \u201cFor the past couple of months I\u2019ve either been bored enough to scream or taking care of Adam. Sometimes both.\u201d She chuckled at their surprised looks. \u201cOh, come on. You\u2019re married to Cartwrights too\u2014there must be some law about how many days per year a Cartwright has to spend recovering from injuries. They\u2019re the most accident-prone\u2014\u201d<\/p>\n<p>\u201cNo,\u201d Veralyn said with a smile. \u201cLast time Hoss got shot the other fella did it on purpose.\u201d<\/p>\n<p>\u201cThat\u2019s true,\u201d Alice conceded. \u201cThey just draw injuries. Do you suppose they\u2019re magnetic?\u201d<\/p>\n<p>All three laughed at that.<\/p>\n<p>\u201cTilly, forgive our curiosity\u2026but, where have you and Adam been all this time? We haven\u2019t heard much about you\u2026\u201d Alice hesitated. \u201cEveryone thought you were\u2026well\u2026\u201d<\/p>\n<p>\u201cDead,\u201d Veralyn said flatly, and Alice gaped at her again. \u201cThere are some explanations to be made. And if Adam owes one to his father and brothers, you owe one to us. I don\u2019t know about Alice and Joe, but I can\u2019t tell you how much time I\u2019ve spent consoling Hoss for \u2018letting Adam die.\u2019\u201d<\/p>\n<p>\u201cToo much,\u201d Alice agreed. \u201cI can\u2019t imagine there wasn\u2019t some good reason for it, but I also can\u2019t imagine what it would be.\u201d<\/p>\n<p>Tilly acquiesced, shrugging. \u201cI\u2019m sure things here have been bad\u2014but try to understand. We were taken from France and sent to a little island in the middle of nowhere, cut off from any communication or civilization and with no way to escape. It\u2019s a very long story, and it would be better if Adam would agree to share it with everyone after dinner, though he won\u2019t.\u201d<\/p>\n<p>\u201cYou\u2019re his wife\u2014can\u2019t you persuade him?\u201d Veralyn asked.<\/p>\n<p>Tilly snorted. \u201cYou know, I still had hopes of it, half an hour ago. Then we got here. First thing that happened was Adam and Joe got into an argument, and when I stepped between them, Adam told me to mind my own business.\u201d She shook her head with a bewildered smile. \u201cNearly five years of marriage, more than half that spent handling things for him, and taking care of him when he was ill\u2014and first time I try to get between him and his brother I\u2019m shunted aside like\u2026like a stray cat.\u201d<\/p>\n<p>Veralyn and Alice exchanged another glance, and Veralyn chuckled. \u201cWe figured you\u2019d know by now, Tilly. You don\u2019t get between two Cartwrights. When you marry one, you\u2019ve married the whole family.\u201d<\/p>\n<p>\u201cLord, I hope not,\u201d Tilly shot back. \u201cAfter my first night with just Adam I was fit for a Y-shaped coffin!\u201d<\/p>\n<p>Then she realized what she\u2019d said, and her hand flew to her mouth. Alice\u2019s eyes were about to pop out of her head; Veralyn\u2019s lips were twitching. Suddenly Alice squealed, and both broke into wild laughter.<\/p>\n<p><strong><em>April, 1875<\/em><\/strong><\/p>\n<p>\u201cYou never get between two Cartwrights,\u201d Tilly murmured aloud. \u201cOther men leave their families when they marry. Cartwrights just graft on the new branches. That\u2019s all we are, Beth, and sometimes I think grafting isn\u2019t good for such old trees.\u201d<\/p>\n<p>\u201cThat\u2019s the silliest thing I ever heard,\u201d Beth snapped, and pursed her lips. \u201cTilly, it\u2019s bad enough Joe setting off on this venture, but both of them going\u2026and Hoss sick\u2026doesn\u2019t anyone think of what it\u2019s doing to Ben?\u201d<\/p>\n<p>\u201cOh, <em>poor<\/em> Ben\u2014\u201d another wave of nausea hit and she rushed back to the safety of the outhouse.<\/p>\n<p><strong>Chapter 3<\/strong><\/p>\n<p><strong><em>April, 1875<\/em><\/strong><\/p>\n<p>As they loped along the trail toward Carson City, Adam kept looking around\u2026and wondering why. They were headed away from the lake. He wasn\u2019t likely to see Audun. Besides, if he did see him, what would he say?<\/p>\n<p>\u201cThis is not your affair, Father,\u201d Audun had said the previous night. The boy had an obnoxiously self-assured manner at times, Adam thought. In fact, most of the time, he sounded obnoxiously self-assured. And yet\u2026things between them had started so well.<\/p>\n<p><strong><em>Christmas, 1873<\/em><\/strong><\/p>\n<p>\u201cIt must be a rock,\u201d Tilly pondered aloud. \u201cIt weighs a hundred pounds.\u201d<\/p>\n<p>\u201cClose,\u201d Ben admitted, watching her use Joe\u2019s jackknife to cut the string. She removed the cloth to reveal a wooden crate. Ben handed her a claw hammer and then sat back, his arm around Beth.<\/p>\n<p>\u201cWell, I\u2019m bewildered,\u201d Adam commented. He was smiling, one hand on Tilly\u2019s shoulder, the other on Lady, who was lying next to him on the couch. Ceirdwyn, on the floor next to Ben, and Bruce, on the floor next to Alice, gave their mother a resentful glance\u2014they weren\u2019t allowed on furniture. Lady didn\u2019t bother looking at her long-forgotten offspring. Her gaze was only on Adam.<\/p>\n<p>Tilly, with Joe\u2019s help, now had the lid off the crate, and she reached in to produce a cast-iron skillet. She grinned at Ben and looked into the depths of the crate again.<\/p>\n<p>\u201cThere are two skillets, two pots, and a kettle,\u201d Ben told her. \u201cI thought, since I donated Hilliard and all his kin to the soup kitchen while you were gone, you might have use for a skillet. Beth said we should give you a set.\u201d<\/p>\n<p>\u201cWell, I appreciate it,\u201d Tilly said with a grin. \u201cHaven\u2019t cooked much in a while\u2014and I certainly need to get my skillet-throwing arm back in shape. I don\u2019t know how Alice and Veralyn have survived in the family this long without a good throwin\u2019 skillet.\u201d<\/p>\n<p>\u201cOh, I have my own ways of getting my husband\u2019s attention,\u201d Veralyn said with a look at Hoss, who grinned back. Eyebrows were going up all over the room\u2014Veralyn was NOT known for a bold wit\u2014but Hoss didn\u2019t seem to notice; he kissed Veralyn pretty boldly.<\/p>\n<p>\u201cOn the other hand, I might want a couple more skillets,\u201d Alice piped up with a smirk at Joe, who made a large production of holding his newborn daughter and stifling his own giggles.<\/p>\n<p>\u201cYou\u2019ll have to build up your wrists first,\u201d Tilly observed. \u201cI can help you with that, if you like.\u201d<\/p>\n<p>\u201cWhat you can help me with is breakfast,\u201d Alice said. \u201cI promised Hop Sing he could sleep in today.\u201d<\/p>\n<p>\u201cI\u2019ll help, too,\u201d Veralyn declared, jumping up, and the three of them hustled off, Tilly calling back, \u201cThanks again, Ben and Beth.\u201d<\/p>\n<p>\u201cWhere\u2019s Audun?\u201d Adam asked. \u201cI never heard of a child sleeping in on Christmas morning.\u201d<\/p>\n<p>\u201cHe ain\u2019t sleeping,\u201d Joe replied, adjusting Bonnie in his arms. \u201cNow that you\u2019re better, he\u2019s started his regular morning routine again.\u201d<\/p>\n<p>\u201cWhat regular morning routine?\u201d<\/p>\n<p>\u201cHe rides out to Willet Creek and bathes,\u201d Hoss said.<\/p>\n<p>Adam\u2019s mouth dropped open. \u201cAnd you just let him?\u201d He looked at his father. \u201cHow long has this been going on?\u201d<\/p>\n<p>\u201cHey, you\u2019ve got to admit, it could be worse,\u201d Joe cut in. \u201cWhen he first got here he was goin\u2019 out to the lake every day. At least the creek\u2019s a little closer.\u201d<\/p>\n<p>\u201cBut don\u2019t you remember\u2014I nearly drowned up there. If Tom Wilson hadn\u2019t\u2014\u201d<\/p>\n<p>Ben made a great show of studying the pipe he\u2019d been given by Hoss and Veralyn. \u201cI\u2019m pretty sure we all remember. But I defy you to get Audun to change his mind. I tried for a month. The boy has you beat for stubborn six ways to Sunday, Adam.\u201d<\/p>\n<p>Hoss nodded. \u201cPa tried explaining how worried we all were, and how we\u2019d gone lookin\u2019 for him, and he just gave us that look\u2014and if you ain\u2019t seen it yourself yet, you will\u2014and said he\u2019d be doin\u2019 it every morning, and we were welcome to join him.\u201d<\/p>\n<p>\u201cPa told him no, the lake was too far\u2014so Audun said he\u2019d go to the creek.\u201d Joe took up the story. \u201cPa said it was too dangerous with the fast currents and bears and wildcats\u2026but it no matter. Pa tried givin\u2019 him extra chores, making him do without breakfast\u2014and then gave him a \u2018necessary talk.\u2019 Audun just took whatever he got and then did what he wanted to do. I tried goin\u2019 with him for a while, but he jumps right in that freezin\u2019 water\u2014and he swims better\u2019n a salmon anyhow.\u201d<\/p>\n<p>\u201cWhy does he do it?\u201d Beth asked. \u201cI\u2019ve always wondered. I sure don\u2019t mind him wanting to be clean\u2014Lord knows, not many boys do\u2014but why not a hot bath here instead of a freezing cold dip miles away?\u201d<\/p>\n<p>\u201cIt\u2019s some kind of Nez Perce\u2014forgive me, <em>Nimiipuu<\/em>\u2014ritual,\u201d Ben explained. \u201cHe never missed a day for the year we had him. Now I hope you know how much you mean to him, Adam\u2014he barely left the house after you arrived and were so\u2026ill.\u201d<\/p>\n<p>Adam scowled at the floor. Everyone looked at him, but he made no reply.<\/p>\n<p>\u201cOf course, you also persuaded him to do something all of us combined hadn\u2019t been able to do in a year,\u201d Ben added. \u201cHe cut his hair the night he met you. He refused to even consider it before.\u201d<\/p>\n<p>\u201cWell,\u201d Adam said thoughtfully, \u201cif Audun wants to keep the customs and rituals he was raised with, I can hardly grudge him that. I won\u2019t worry about the bathing. At least, I\u2019ll try not to. In fact, when my back\u2019s in one piece again, I may join him.\u201d<\/p>\n<p>They heard hooves trotting into the yard. \u201cReckon he\u2019s back,\u201d Hoss announced. \u201cI hope you\u2019re not going to fuss at him.\u201d<\/p>\n<p>\u201cAll I intend to say is \u2018Merry Christmas.\u2019\u201d Adam promised. \u201cI wonder if he minds keeping a few\u2026um\u2026<em>Soyapo<\/em> customs, too? I thought I\u2019d try going to church this weekend, if I can stay upright long enough.\u201d<\/p>\n<p>\u201cAs long as you ride in the wagon, not on a horse,\u201d Beth put in.<\/p>\n<p>\u201cI don\u2019t think it will test any of Audun\u2019s loyalties,\u201d Ben said thoughtfully. \u201cHe\u2019s read the \u2018Spirit Law\u2019 and knows we believe the Creator has a son. He doesn\u2019t mind that\u2014he may even believe it himself, but with him it\u2019s hard to tell. But as for getting him to church this weekend, that may take some work. He\u2019s gone to church with us once since he got here\u2014for Joe\u2019s wedding\u2014and even then, he wouldn\u2019t sit in the pews. He watched from the back.\u201d<\/p>\n<p>Hearing the horse outside, Tilly and Alice rushed in and opened the door just in time for Audun to stagger through. Tilly quickly closed the door against the cold blast blowing in behind him. Audun looked a little nervously at the assembled crowd. \u201cUm\u2026I\u2019m sorry to be late. Father, Tilly said you like trout.\u201d He tossed off the old fur robe he had wrapped around himself, and from his elk-skin leather carrying bag, he drew five fish. The biggest was a nine-pounder; the smallest couldn\u2019t have been less than six pounds.<\/p>\n<p>\u201cHow on earth did you carry all that?\u201d Alice exclaimed, taking two of them.<\/p>\n<p>\u201cWell, my horse carried it most of the time, but I\u2019m pretty strong,\u201d Audun said. \u201cI\u2019ll get these to the kitchen now\u2026happy birthday to the son of the Creator\u2026and Father, do you plan to go to the church this weekend?\u201d<\/p>\n<p>\u201cI was thinking about it.\u201d<\/p>\n<p>\u201cThen I will go with you.\u201d He headed to the kitchen.<\/p>\n<p>Tilly looked over at Adam. \u201cHe didn\u2019t even ask for his present. I\u2019ve been saying all along he\u2019s a forty-year-old in disguise, and this just proves it.\u201d<\/p>\n<p><strong><em>April, 1875<\/em><\/strong><\/p>\n<p>Audun had tried hard, Adam thought. And that made sense\u2014after all, he had promised.<\/p>\n<p><strong><em>December, 1873<\/em><\/strong><\/p>\n<p>There was something Adam had noticed about the relationship between Ben and Audun: an awkwardness about it, something strained. <em>Almost<\/em>, he thought, <em>like the pattern Pa and I had fallen into the last few years before I left home.<\/em> But Audun had only lived at the Ponderosa for a year. It had taken 33 years\u2014and they hadn\u2019t all been bad years\u2014before things between Adam and Ben had become that bad.\u00a0 He knew Ben loved Audun. Ben Cartwright was congenitally incapable of not loving his grandchildren. But it was a lot more obvious with Bonnie Marie.<\/p>\n<p><em>That\u2019s different,<\/em> Adam told himself. <em>She\u2019s a baby. Audun\u2019s 11 years old and thinks he\u2019s grown; you can\u2019t mollycoddle a boy the way you can a baby. <\/em>But there was more.<\/p>\n<p>He had asked Ben once if he\u2019d gotten very close to Audun; Ben had hesitated, almost said something, and then given a helpless shrug. \u201cHe\u2019s <em>your<\/em> son.\u201d<\/p>\n<p>Feeling a tugging on his arm, Adam yanked himself out of his thoughts. The way they treated him nowadays was almost like royalty\u2014as if he needed servants to dress and undress. Tilly got his shirt unbuttoned while Audun removed the cuffs from his sleeves, then with one tug, slid both the coat and shirt off together. Adam looked down at Tilly and winked suggestively. \u201cWhen my doctor leaves\u2026\u201d<\/p>\n<p>\u201cYou\u2019ll go to sleep without exerting yourself, just as he instructed,\u201d she said with a smile. \u201cI intend to heal you up properly; no more reopening old wounds.\u201d<\/p>\n<p>\u201cYou and the doc here make quite a team,\u201d Adam sighed. \u201cTilly\u2026can you go back out with the family for a little while? I need to talk to my physician.\u201d<\/p>\n<p>\u201cHoller if you need me.\u201d She slipped out.<\/p>\n<p>Adam looked over at Audun, who had been making a large display of ignoring the couple while he hung up the coat and shirt.<\/p>\n<p>\u201cYou have to take your trousers off and sit down,\u201d Audun said. Adam obeyed, and Audun took the pants and placed them on a hanger.<\/p>\n<p>\u201cYou may not be aware of this,\u201d Adam said, \u201cbut in most places, it\u2019s the parent who tells the child what to do.\u201d<\/p>\n<p>Audun turned and looked at him before hanging up the trousers. \u201cIn spite of your words, I think you\u2019re making a joke,\u201d he said, turning back. \u201cThis is right?\u201d<\/p>\n<p>\u201cYes, this is right. You know me pretty well, don\u2019t you? You\u2019re not in trouble. Yet.\u201d He grinned, and Audun smiled back.<\/p>\n<p>\u201cI\u2019m trying to learn fast, Father,\u201d Audun came to stand in front of him. \u201cI said I always wanted to know you. I meant it.\u201d<\/p>\n<p>\u201cMe too,\u201d Adam agreed, and Audun circled behind, looking over his father\u2019s back with a critical eye before reaching for the honey poultice fixings.<\/p>\n<p>\u201cDo you want to know Tilly too?\u201d Adam asked as casually as he could.<\/p>\n<p>\u201cI already do,\u201d Audun replied as he worked. \u201cShe told me I could ask her anything, and unlike most Soyapo, she seems to mean her words. She answers every question I put to her.\u201d<\/p>\n<p>\u201cI\u2019m glad to hear that. Have you come up with a name for her yet?\u201d<\/p>\n<p>\u201cI call her Tilly.\u201d<\/p>\n<p>Adam didn\u2019t like that much, but then, he had always called Marie by her given name, too. \u201cAnd how well do you know your grandfather?\u201d<\/p>\n<p>Behind him, he felt Audun stiffen. For a few minutes there was no response. \u201cIt\u2019s hard.\u201d He came around to look at Adam with troubled eyes. \u201cAmong the Nimiipuu, grandparents raise the children.\u201d<\/p>\n<p>\u201cI didn\u2019t know\u2026I don\u2019t know much about the Nimiipuu. But if the grandparents raised the children there, I would think that you and your grandfather here would be very close, too.\u201d<\/p>\n<p>\u201cI had a grandfather among the Nimiipuu who loved me. Does it offend you, that I had my own family?\u201d<\/p>\n<p>He shoved the guilt he felt back into his gut. \u201cI\u2019m glad\u2026I want to hear all about your family there, too. They were important to you, so that makes them important to me.\u201d<\/p>\n<p>Audun looked at him and then swallowed. \u201cYou are the first one here who has said that. My uncles wanted me to be a child as they know children, but I had never heard of the games they thought I should play. And my grandfather\u2026\u201d his voice trailed off.<\/p>\n<p>\u201cMy father loves you, Audun.\u201d<\/p>\n<p>\u201cYes\u2026\u201d Audun refused to look at Adam. \u201cBut I had the feeling he loved me because he thought he was supposed to\u2014because I was the son of his son. Not because I was Little Thunder\u2014\u201d<\/p>\n<p>\u201cLittle Thunder?\u201d<\/p>\n<p>Audun shrugged. \u201cTo my mother I was Audun Cartwright, but among the Nimiipuu, my childhood name was <em>Hinmimipelikt<\/em>, Little Thundercloud. Here, I was the son of Adam Cartwright. As I begin to know your heart, Father, I see that is a good thing, to be your son\u2026but I do not yet know how to be your son. I have only ever known how to be <em>Hinmimipelikt<\/em>. Everyone here wanted me to be the son of Adam. When I could not, they settled for wanting me to be white, and I failed again. I know my grandfather\u2019s heart. He is a proud man, proud of his sons. He wants a grandson who will make him proud the same way, but\u2026I\u2019m different.\u201d<\/p>\n<p>\u201cYou mean because you didn\u2019t want to be a\u2026um\u2026Soyapo?\u201d<\/p>\n<p>\u201cWhen they came for me, my grandfather and my uncles, they told me you were dead. Among the Nimiipuu, no one speaks of the dead. Once my mother was buried and the shaman sent her spirit to the next world, I could not even say her name. But she had said it was different among white people. When my grandfather told me you were dead\u2026I first thought, <em>I will never know what he was like. I can never speak of him.<\/em> And then I thought, <em>but the Soyapo are different\u2026they will let me speak of my mother and remember her\u2026they will speak of my father and remember him to me. I can know him after all.<\/em> It\u2019s one of the reasons I came here, Father\u2026I wanted to know you, and remember my mother.\u201d<\/p>\n<p>\u201cThen what changed?\u201d<\/p>\n<p>A shrug. \u201cOn the way here they all questioned me, and I had the feeling that they didn\u2019t like my answers. When I wanted to tell them about my mother, they had little interest. So I asked things about you\u2026but the things I found out didn\u2019t make sense. Some of it might have been just because Mother had not told me much of Soyapo ways, but when I came here, everything was strange, and my uncles laughed. I felt foolish. At first, my grandfather was kind. We talked of horses and collies. The collies were special, he said\u2014you had brought them to the Ponderosa and made them family. I thought this was good, that he would talk much of you\u2026but he didn\u2019t. Neither did my uncles. They put me in your room, among your things, as if I could get to know you that way. Perhaps, if I had been raised white, I would have\u2014but as things were, everything was another thing to not understand. They talked about Soyapo things\u2026but not you. They would begin to talk of you, and then become quiet.\u201d<\/p>\n<p>\u201cI expect it hurt them to talk about me, Audun. It\u2019s hard to know someone you love is dead\u2014but it\u2019s harder still not to know.\u201d<\/p>\n<p>Audun shrugged one shoulder. \u201cIt may have been. But it was hard for me, too, and that seemed not to matter. My grandfather wanted me to become white, and it sat wrong in my stomach. He wanted me to go to school. The Nimiipuu don\u2019t have schools, and though my mother had mentioned them, she told me but little. I wanted my grandfather to teach me, as my Nimiipuu grandfather had done, but he wanted me in school. I tried to please, but it wasn\u2019t enough. I had to change the clothes I wore, too. Then he wanted me to get a haircut, and I would not.\u201d<\/p>\n<p>\u201cWhy not?\u201d<\/p>\n<p>\u201cIt doesn\u2019t matter. But it made him angry. Then he lost interest in me, and got a new wife instead. I had decided to go back to the Nimiipuu\u2026but things happened to prevent it.\u201d<\/p>\n<p>\u201cThank God for that,\u201d Adam sighed.<\/p>\n<p>\u201cYes,\u201d Audun agreed with a little smile.<\/p>\n<p>\u201cThings are different now. I\u2019m here, and I\u2019ll be a father to you\u2026if you\u2019ll help me learn how. And Audun, my father is as good a man as I ever was. When I was younger, he and I had disagreements, but one thing I never doubted, and you must never doubt, is his love.\u201d<\/p>\n<p>\u201cI\u2019ll try,\u201d Audun said, and went behind him again to work on his back.<\/p>\n<p>\u201cIt\u2019s always been hard for the Indians and the whites to understand each other because our ways are different. But my father has always been able to make friends among the Indians; he respects them and taught us to respect them. So if you and my father had trouble understanding each other, it wasn\u2019t because he didn\u2019t respect you. You have to believe that, too. You and I may have trouble understanding each other sometimes. But if we respect each other, we\u2019ll work it out.\u201d<\/p>\n<p>\u201cI\u2019ll try,\u201d Audun said again.<\/p>\n<p><strong><em>April, 1875<\/em><\/strong><\/p>\n<p><em>He did try,<\/em> Adam admitted. <em>For a while, anyway<\/em>.<\/p>\n<p><strong>Chapter 4<\/strong><\/p>\n<p><strong><em>April, 1875<\/em><\/strong><\/p>\n<p>Ben Cartwright sat down in the overstuffed red leather chair by the fire, leaning forward with his elbows on his knees and his chin resting on his fist. Beth came over and knelt in front of him. \u201cBen\u2026what can I do? There must be something\u2026\u201d<\/p>\n<p>Ben smiled absently and shook his head. \u201cGo on to your store. Make a profit. I\u2019m down three capable ranch hands, after all\u2014one of us needs to earn some money.\u201d<\/p>\n<p>\u201cBut Ben\u2026\u201d<\/p>\n<p>\u201cBeth.\u201d Ben\u2019s voice came to her with studied patience. \u201cYou had nothing to do with any of this. There\u2019s nothing you can do to fix it. It\u2019s something I need to think about, not you.\u201d<\/p>\n<p>\u201cBut I\u2019m married to you! Anything that affects you affects me!\u201d She stood up again, and he could almost see the disappointment and disgust warring for dominance. \u201cDo you know that since Adam\u2019s been back this whole house has gone to\u2014\u201d<\/p>\n<p>\u201cBeth, this is not your business!\u201d Ben roared. \u201cAnd how dare you blame my son for things none of us could have prevented?\u201d<\/p>\n<p>Stamping to the door, Beth announced, \u201cI married one man, not the whole Cartwright family. Even with Adam and Joe gone, it\u2019s too crowded for me right now. I\u2019ll be staying in town tonight.\u201d<\/p>\n<p>Ben shrugged. \u201cDo as you think best.\u201d<\/p>\n<p><strong><em>January, 1874<\/em><\/strong><\/p>\n<p>The gossip had started within hours of \u201cthe great return,\u201d but while many people had seen Tilly here and there, Adam had not bothered to show up until church the first week after Christmas\u2014and only for the service, at that. He\u2019d left as soon as he could after it was over, with next to no polite socializing. But still, that gave the churchgoers a thing to talk about\u2026as well as the non-churchgoers who saw him coming and going.<\/p>\n<p>Granted, more than half of Virginia City didn\u2019t remember Adam Cartwright; he\u2019d left long before they arrived. In fact, he\u2019d been gone for five years, and most of that time his family had thought he was dead. So seeing him was a shock\u2014skinny as a scarecrow in that fancy Savile Row suit, and his equally skinny and too-pale wife who hardly looked the part of the scandalous schoolmarm.<\/p>\n<p>And then there was that boy. They\u2019d heard the rumors of an Indian kid living on the Ponderosa. Some said he was Adam Cartwright\u2019s son. And they\u2019d all seen the Indian kid sneaking into town to visit Dr. Martin or that Chinaman, Kam Lee. He never went anyplace else. Oh, he\u2019d tried going to school, but had been chased out after being revealed as an Indian. And he\u2019d been at Joe Cartwright\u2019s wedding, skulking at the back of the church as if he knew he didn\u2019t belong up front with decent white people.<\/p>\n<p>Only here he was now, with Adam and Tilly\u2026and he didn\u2019t look like an Indian. Not with those short black curls like his old man\u2019s. He was tall for a kid of eleven\u2026his eyes were a peculiar smoky color that didn\u2019t match anyone else\u2019s in the family, but they certainly weren\u2019t Indian eyes. He was a good-looking kid. The very spit-and-image of a younger Adam, said a few fellows who had known Adam way back when. Oh, no, not a patch on his father, argued most of the old hens and saloon girls. <em>Audun?<\/em> What kind of Indian name was that?<\/p>\n<p>Well, Indian or not, Cartwright or not, good-lookin\u2019 kid or not, he\u2019d still broken Jake Lafferty\u2019s arm last fall, and as such, there was no way the decent folk of Virginia City could allow him in school. Whatever the Cartwrights were saying.<\/p>\n<p style=\"text-align: center;\">**<\/p>\n<p>\u201cSure you don\u2019t want us to come with you?\u201d Adam asked, indicating Ben with a jerk of his head\u2014and wincing as the tender skin on his neck sent pain radiating outward.<\/p>\n<p>Tilly frowned. \u201cTime I can\u2019t talk to a schoolteacher, they\u2019ll cross my arms over my chest and put me in a pine box. And you quit making sudden movements. You know your back and neck won\u2019t be healed for another six months. Dr. Lister said July was the best possibility.\u201d<\/p>\n<p>\u201cDr. Lister is wrong,\u201d Audun said. \u201cIf we continue the honey-cinnamon poultices, <em>and<\/em> if my father can behave himself properly, he will be ready to ride a horse again by spring.\u201d<\/p>\n<p>\u201cYou\u2019re kiddin\u2019. That soon?\u201d<\/p>\n<p>\u201cYour doctor doesn\u2019t know how to fight an infection properly. A honey-cinnamon poultice is the best thing in the world for skin infections. Even Dr. Martin is beginning to believe it.\u201d<\/p>\n<p>Adam winked. \u201cNot to mention it makes you smell irresistible.\u201d<\/p>\n<p>Tilly looked from Audun to Adam. \u201cSmell notwithstanding, I\u2019ll believe it come spring. But that\u2019s nearly four months off\u2014and I do believe the doctor here said it\u2019s predicated on your behaving yourself.\u201d<\/p>\n<p>\u201cI\u2019ll behave,\u201d Adam assured her\u2014and Audun. \u201cYou go give the schoolteacher what-for. And Audun, you don\u2019t break any more arms.\u201d<\/p>\n<p>\u201cHe hit first,\u201d Audun protested. \u201cI only fought back.\u201d<\/p>\n<p>\u201cLet\u2019s go,\u201d Tilly cut in. \u201cBeth\u2019s waiting with the wagon. It\u2019ll take us an hour and a half to get there, and I want plenty of time to talk to that nasty little man before school starts.\u201d<\/p>\n<p>\u201cI hope you packed one of those skillets. Give him a wallop for me.\u201d<\/p>\n<p>Tilly crossed over to him and gave him a peck on the cheek. \u201cI don\u2019t know what to do with you.\u201d<\/p>\n<p>\u201cI could give you some ideas\u2014but we\u2019d have to clear the dishes off the table and get rid of all these people first,\u201d he whispered.<\/p>\n<p>\u201cHush.\u201d But she gave him a tender kiss on the lips to take the sting away.<\/p>\n<p>Ben sat down next to Adam as the door shut behind them. \u201cWant more coffee?\u201d<\/p>\n<p>\u201cNo thanks\u2014Audun says I can\u2019t have more than one cup a day. And I have to drink my cod liver oil and eat an orange or he\u2019ll fuss when he gets back.\u201d<\/p>\n<p>\u201cDo you really take all his medical advice seriously?\u201d Ben asked. Nearly two months after Adam\u2019s return, it was still hard to figure the relationship between Audun and Adam. Audun had appointed himself Adam\u2019s primary caretaker (a role Tilly had allowed more easily than Ben had) and he had something to say about everything Adam did, everything he ate, even how much time he spent sleeping. Both Tilly and Adam submitted to everything with little fuss.<\/p>\n<p>Adam thought for a moment. \u201cBoth Paul and Kam Lee speak highly of him. Hop Sing trusts him. Shucks, Tilly trusts him, and I know she would never have allowed him near me\u2014son or not\u2014if she didn\u2019t think he knew what he was doing. When I ask him questions about things he does, his answers make sense. Just because the bulk of his medical knowledge came from Ruth or the Nez Perce doesn\u2019t mean it isn\u2019t valuable knowledge.\u201d<\/p>\n<p>\u201cBut he\u2019s only eleven.\u201d<\/p>\n<p>Adam eyed him. \u201cBy the time I was eleven, I was raising Hoss, changing Joe\u2019s diapers, running our south trap line, and studying with a tutor. Have you forgotten? By the time I was fifteen I was speaking Latin, Greek, and French\u2014and working geometry problems for fun.\u201d<\/p>\n<p>\u201cI remember\u2026distantly. But Audun hasn\u2019t had your advantages.\u201d<\/p>\n<p>\u201c<em>Advantages<\/em>\u2026?\u201d Adam sighed. \u201cWell, he\u2019s had his own advantages. Children among the Nez Perce are all raised to be quiet, respectful, responsible\u2026and to love learning. Whatever they show an aptitude for, the old ones start teaching them. The leader of the big Nez Perce band in the Wallowa, Young Joseph, was sitting in meetings with his father and the other chiefs when he was seven years old because he was a natural leader.\u201d<\/p>\n<p>\u201cHow do you know this?\u201d<\/p>\n<p>\u201cAudun told me. I\u2019m surprised he didn\u2019t tell you. He tells me that among the Nez Perce, it\u2019s the grandparents who provide the children\u2019s instruction.\u201d<\/p>\n<p>With a guilty start, Ben realized he had brought Audun back to the Ponderosa expecting him to leave his past behind, and to only think of white ways. He doubted Audun had learned much from him\u2014they\u2019d spent too much time arguing.<\/p>\n<p>For a while they sat silently, Ben wondering what Adam was thinking. It wasn\u2019t a good sign when Adam got quiet. It meant he was trying to remember.<\/p>\n<p>Ben cleared his throat, desperate for a topic of conversation. \u201cPeople have been asking when we\u2019ll throw a party to give you a proper welcome home.\u201d<\/p>\n<p>\u201cDon\u2019t.\u201d Adam pushed his coffee away.<\/p>\n<p>\u201cBut we\u2019ve always\u2014\u201d<\/p>\n<p>\u201cNo.\u201d The word was simple; the tone, intimidating.<\/p>\n<p>Ben cleared his throat again. \u201cRemember Lex Truscott? Mutton Jim told me he was charged with killing a saloon girl.\u201d<\/p>\n<p>\u201cWonder if they\u2019ll hang him.\u201d Adam\u2019s voice was distant; his eyes, cloudy and unfocused.<\/p>\n<p>\u201cHang? Isn\u2019t it a little early to think of that?\u201d<\/p>\n<p>\u201cWell, they wouldn\u2019t have arrested him if he hadn\u2019t done it, would they?\u201d Adam retorted, and Ben\u2019s eyebrows shot up.<\/p>\n<p>\u201cAdam, a man\u2019s innocent until proven guilty\u2014remember?\u201d<\/p>\n<p>For a moment, Adam looked confused. Finally he replied in a hesitant voice, \u201cMaybe here. But I don\u2019t think they know that anywhere else in the world, Pa\u2026and maybe they\u2019ve got a point.\u201d<\/p>\n<p>\u201cI hardly think so. Tilly told us you were arrested twice for things you hadn\u2019t done\u2026espionage against France? Trying to kill Queen Victoria? That\u2019s absurd.\u201d<\/p>\n<p>Adam only looked more confused at that. Then Hop Sing appeared with the bottle of cod liver oil and a teaspoon, along with an orange, peeled and in segments. Adam gulped the medicine with a grimace and then set to eating the orange, but it was obvious that his thoughts were still far away.<\/p>\n<p>And Ben wondered, not for the first time, what Adam had seen in his travels that Ben never had. The months of imprisonment on Grande Terre were a blank slate. Horrible things had been done to him, but beyond the physical evidence, no one knew just what\u2026and worse than the physical damage was the damage to his mind. It was locked in his head somewhere; he dreamed about it still. And yet when he was awake, he couldn\u2019t remember. It was probably for the best, Tilly said, and had not encouraged Adam to face it\u2026but Ben wasn\u2019t sure that was the proper course of action. Tilly also wasn\u2019t open to negotiation about that; she thought it was best forgotten by everybody\u2014but Ben could see it was there for anyone who paid attention, and it surfaced at times like these, when Adam said things that didn\u2019t sound like Adam Cartwright.<\/p>\n<p><strong><em>April, 1875<\/em><\/strong><\/p>\n<p>Ben sighed. Beth was wrong, of course. This thing really wasn\u2019t any of her affair. He wondered what she had meant about marrying a whole family. What a strange thing to say.<\/p>\n<p>But she\u2019d been right about one thing. Sending off Adam to protect Joe was a bad idea. Adam could barely take care of himself. He wasn\u2019t in any shape to take care of Joe, not the state Joe was in\u2026and although Adam had been back almost a year and a half, there were times Ben truly wondered about his oldest son. For a while, he had seemed to be getting better\u2026and then sometimes he was worse than ever. Ben shook his head. \u201cI should\u2019ve gone with Joe myself,\u201d he muttered. \u201cAdam was so insistent, you\u2019d think what happened was his fault.\u201d<\/p>\n<p><strong>Chapter 5<\/strong><\/p>\n<p><strong><em>April, 1875<\/em><\/strong><\/p>\n<p>Audun sat on a boulder looking over Lake Tahoe, but for the first time, he was not absorbed in the beauty of nature around him. He would never have thought he and his father could be in disagreement about anything\u2026especially not so many important things. All his life his mother\u2014and later, his father\u2019s father and brothers\u2014had told him how like his father he was. But if they were so alike, how could they disagree so often?<\/p>\n<p>It hadn\u2019t always been so. The memory of those first few months still held a soft glow for him. All his life he had worshiped the man, and finally meeting him was like a gift from the Old Man in the Stars himself. Being able to help heal him had been even better.<\/p>\n<p>He would\u2019ve done anything for him back in those days. He\u2019d gone with Tilly and Beth to the schoolhouse, listening in something between awe and amusement at the way the two women had worked together like wolves to turn the dreadful teacher, Mr. Attaway, from a cougar into a calf separated from the herd. He remembered Tilly calling Audun her son\u2014not stepson, but son, and how it had made him feel. It was Beth, the grandmother, though, who had made the death leap.<\/p>\n<p><strong><em>January, 1874<\/em><\/strong><\/p>\n<p>\u201cI was a teacher here myself,\u201d Tilly pointed out. \u201cI sat right where you\u2019re sitting now and I dealt with twenty-seven children from ages eight to fourteen every day. And I kept them under control. Audun is an intelligent, well-behaved boy who wants to learn. He broke that Lafferty boy\u2019s arm because he was goaded into a fight\u2014and it was two against one, at that. So how you can blame my son for that and overlook the real blame\u2026\u201d<\/p>\n<p>Audun stopped listening, wondering whether he should feel guilty at how warm it had felt in his gut when Tilly had said he was her son. Mr. Attaway said something that Audun missed; it had something to do with Tilly\u2019s questionable morality. This was news to Audun, but he considered the source and dismissed it.<\/p>\n<p>\u201cBeans for that!\u201d Beth cut him off. \u201cYou tend to forget that of the seven people now on the school board, Ben Cartwright and I hold two of those positions, and that another two people on the current board, Dave Jordan and Frank Marsden, had children under Tilly\u2019s tutelage and can vouch for her effectiveness as a teacher. Do you really want me to report at the next board meeting that a thin little reed of a woman could keep twenty-seven children in line, while a big strong man like you cannot control twenty-five? Do you really want me to drag out the test scores from five years ago and compare them to yours? Do you really want my husband and Dave Jordan and Frank Marsden and me to contend with, all because you\u2019re too puny to control the children in your classroom?\u201d<\/p>\n<p>This new grandmother wasn\u2019t such a bad warrior herself, Audun thought, and looked at her with newfound respect.<\/p>\n<p>He was readmitted to school that same day, and for the next two and a half months he saddled the big blue roan mare Pepper Nell each morning and trotted off to school. He even did pretty well, especially since he no longer had hair long enough to pull. Some kids called him an Indian, but he saw no reason to correct them\u2014or to fight\u2014because he didn\u2019t find the term insulting. He was only amused at the ignorance of the name-callers. He didn\u2019t make any close friends, but he didn\u2019t care. Peggy Dayton Cartwright, three years his senior, was a sort of cousin to him, and she was spoke to him. That was good enough, since his only interest in school was getting into college so he could be the kind of healer that Kam Lee had talked about; the kind his father would be proud of.<\/p>\n<p>In spite of his efforts, though, it didn\u2019t last. Mr. Attaway did not like him. That much was plain, and though Audun\u2019s answers to questions were always correct, they both knew that Audun\u2019s mere presence there was a testimony to the power of women, and Attaway didn\u2019t like that one bit.<\/p>\n<p>It might have been the glazed look in Audun\u2019s eyes that day that prompted him to be singled out. It might have been the fact that he could usually be relied upon to know the answer, even if he had a different perspective\u2014usually his thoughts made no sense to the teacher and little sense to most of the other children. In this case it was a combination of both, together with the obvious hope on the teacher\u2019s part that the boy hadn\u2019t been paying attention this time, and could perhaps be shaken out of what Attaway called \u201cthat Cartwright smugness.\u201d<\/p>\n<p>\u201cMr. Cartwright, please stand and tell the class what you have just learned about the Vikings.\u201d<\/p>\n<p>Audun Cartwright stood and looked silently at the teacher.<\/p>\n<p>\u201cWe are waiting breathlessly, Mr. Cartwright,\u201d Attaway prompted.<\/p>\n<p>\u201cI don\u2019t think I can.\u201d<\/p>\n<p>\u201cCertainly after the stories I have told you, you should have formed some opinion.\u201d<\/p>\n<p>Audun hesitated. \u201cYes, this is true. But what your stories have told me to learn, and the opinion I have formed, are different.\u201d<\/p>\n<p>Attaway obviously hadn\u2019t seen that one coming. \u201cPlease elucidate, Mr. Cartwright.\u201d<\/p>\n<p>\u201cI don\u2019t know this word, \u2018elucidate.\u2019 But if it means to explain, then I think you want me to believe as you do, that the Vikings were great and mighty warriors. But that is not borne out by the stories you told. The stories you told showed a lot of thieves and cowards.\u201d<\/p>\n<p>\u201cWhat?\u201d<\/p>\n<p>\u201cThey gained their fame raiding monasteries; this does not take courage. Holy men who spend their time writing books and making gardens are not worthy opponents; they\u2019re not even warriors. These holy men had no training in war, but they held many valuables, so the Vikings killed unarmed men and stole treasure. The Viking raids were not conducted for honorable purposes. There were no blood feuds, no stolen horses, no wrongs to avenge. They even allowed themselves to be paid money called Dane geld to keep from attacking. It is the act of a coward and a bully to only attack the weak, and it\u2019s worse than cowardly to be bribed.\u201d<\/p>\n<p>He didn\u2019t listen to anything after, \u201cMr. Cartwright, I am the teacher, you are the student; it is not your place to disagree\u2014\u201d<\/p>\n<p>He interrupted the teacher mid-sentence. \u201cI will not learn things that are not true.\u201d<\/p>\n<p>\u201cAre you calling me a liar?\u201d<\/p>\n<p>\u201cMy grandfather says one must wear the shoes that fit.\u201d<\/p>\n<p>\u201cDon\u2019t bring your grandfather into this\u2014I will not be intimidated!\u201d<\/p>\n<p>\u201cI don\u2019t know this word, \u2018intimidated.\u2019 But if it means to shout and be generally annoying, you are already doing that.\u201d<\/p>\n<p>At that, Attaway produced a riding crop. \u201cCome up here, young man.\u201d<\/p>\n<p>His grandfather had given him a couple of \u201cnecessary talks\u201d back in the day, but even he had only used his hand. Audun shook his head. \u201cYou always think the way to make someone agree with you is to hit them. I\u2019ve seen you beat your horse. It may make him submit, but he has no respect for you\u2014and neither have I. Nor will I be whipped.\u201d<\/p>\n<p>That was when he\u2019d been expelled. Again. He\u2019d ridden home directly and arrived before lunch.<\/p>\n<p>His father and Tilly listened to his recounting of the story with almost-straight faces, but he saw them struggling not to laugh. After lunch, Hop Sing hitched the team for Adam, and he drove into town with Audun to get the teacher\u2019s tale. Attaway told his version of the story with a lot of things thrown in that weren\u2019t true, and finished with, \u201cYour son is stubborn and rebellious, Mr. Cartwright. I should have dragged him up to the front of the class room and whipped him till he bled for that kind of disobedience.\u201d<\/p>\n<p>\u201cI have had some experience with unjustified whippings, Mr. Attaway,\u201d his father replied. \u201cYou\u2019re very fortunate you didn\u2019t try. If he hadn\u2019t knocked you galley-west himself, I would have done it for him.\u201d<\/p>\n<p>\u201cYou may very well think so, Mr. Cartwright, but I doubt it. I see now where your son gets this rebellious streak. In any case, he\u2019s not welcome in my school again. Ever.\u201d<\/p>\n<p>\u201cIt\u2019s just as well. If this is the kind of education my son is to have, I don\u2019t want him in your school.\u201d<\/p>\n<p>\u201cSour grapes, Mr. Cartwright?\u201d<\/p>\n<p>\u201cYou don\u2019t want to teach the boy to think for himself. You want him to repeat everything you say. My son may be stubborn and hard-headed, but I\u2019d rather that than a parrot. And I\u2019d rather have him rebellious than submit to a whipping he didn\u2019t earn, by a weak man who\u2019s only as big as the weapon he\u2019s holding.\u201d<\/p>\n<p>Audun looked up at his father as they walked out of the schoolroom that day, his heart about to burst from pride, but aloud he only said, \u201cWill Tilly be teaching me now, sir?\u201d<\/p>\n<p>\u201cMaybe.\u201d<\/p>\n<p>\u201cDo you think she can handle me?\u201d<\/p>\n<p>Adam grinned. \u201cThe question is, can you handle <em>her<\/em>. I think you\u2019ll both wear each other out.\u201d<\/p>\n<p><strong>Chapter 6<\/strong><\/p>\n<p><strong><em>May, 1875<\/em><\/strong><\/p>\n<p>They had ridden for weeks, yet never gotten more than 300 miles from home. When they first left, Adam had speculated to himself that Joe might head to San Francisco. After all, most lost souls ended up there. Before long, though, it became apparent to Adam that Joe had no destination in mind. He wasn\u2019t going TO anywhere. He was only going AWAY\u2014but he was going in circles.<\/p>\n<p>Now they were in a place called Silver Peak, a little mining town in a dry lake bed nearly 300 miles from Carson City. If they had ridden straight there, it might have taken a week or so, but instead Joe had headed due east, then south, then east again. He\u2019d ridden right into the low mountains that lay scattered across the state as if the gods had been playing with toy soldiers and forgotten to put them away. Joe seemed to deliberately pick the worst trail he could find through each pass, to delight in the hellish climbs over scree and scrub brush, looking on the gouges, scratches, punctures and scrapes he accumulated each day as badges of honor.<\/p>\n<p>Adam never questioned his choice of routes, though he thought more than once that if Joe had operated on this logic back in their younger days, it was no wonder he\u2019d always been late for dinner. He said nothing, of course, because whether he liked it or not, he knew exactly what Joe was doing. If he\u2019d been in Boston and six years old, he would have been circling his home block time and again because he was running away from home but not allowed to cross the street. Joe was running away. He just had no place to go that would change the facts. Adam would follow him, because he owed his brother that much. Besides, he\u2019d been there\u2026he\u2019d seen. There was always the chance that Joe would hear something, see something, and come to the conclusion that things hadn\u2019t quite happened the way he thought they had\u2026and if and when Joe found that out, there would have to be someone nearby to pick up the pieces. Someone like Adam.<\/p>\n<p>Not that Adam wasn\u2019t in pieces himself\u2014but nobody knew that. As far as anyone else knew, he was always available to pick up the pieces for someone else. Last year this time, it had been Audun.<\/p>\n<p><strong><em>June, 1874<\/em><\/strong><\/p>\n<p>It was the second letter Audun had received since he had come to the Ponderosa. This time, thanks to Tilly\u2019s tutelage, Audun had been able to read the French words by himself, but this time he had taken it to his father and said, \u201cI want you to read this.\u201d<\/p>\n<p>Adam took the small package. \u201cOut loud?\u201d<\/p>\n<p>Audun shrugged an impatient shoulder.<\/p>\n<p>\u201c<em>My son Petit Tonnerre\u2026<\/em>oh. Little Thunder.\u201d He looked at Audun, feeling a heavy, sharp-edged rock settle in his gut. \u201cThis is from Timothy, isn\u2019t it?\u201d<\/p>\n<p>\u201cYes.\u201d<\/p>\n<p>Adam cleared his throat. \u201c<em>Since you never came when I sent my last words, I think you decided the white ways are yours after all. That, or perhaps those men who came for you will not let you leave.<\/em> He doesn\u2019t have a very high opinion of us, does he?\u201d He chuckled, but the look on Audun\u2019s face sent him quickly back to the letter in his hands. \u201c<em>If that is so, you may not care when you hear this. But Shmoqula is dying\u2026<\/em>Shmoqula. That\u2019s your Nimiipuu grandfather?\u201d<\/p>\n<p>Audun nodded, wordless, his face expressionless, but Adam had learned to read his son well over the last eight months. He saw the tight way the boy held himself, and he knew suppressed grief when he saw it.<\/p>\n<p>He reached out and gripped Audun\u2019s shoulder for a moment, and then read on. \u201c<em>He got the spring sickness and now his lungs are full. His time is little, but you remember his strength. He will wait for you.<\/em><\/p>\n<p>\u201c<em>We are leaving this ground soon and will travel north. You remember our village was dwindling. We have decided to join the other\u2026<\/em>I can\u2019t make out this word, Audun.\u201d<\/p>\n<p>\u201cIt means the non-treaty band of Nimiipuu headed by Hinmahtooyahlatkekt.\u201d He shook his head. \u201cI\u2019ve told you of him before\u2014the Soyapo call him \u2018Young Joseph.\u2019\u201d<\/p>\n<p>\u201cI can see why,\u201d Adam muttered, wondering at the way the other strange word had simply rolled off Audun\u2019s tongue. \u201c<em>We have decided to go to join the other\u2026to join Young Joseph\u2019s band in the Wallowa\u2026<\/em>what\u2019s this word?\u201d<\/p>\n<p>\u201cIt means Wallowa Valley.\u201d<\/p>\n<p>\u201c<em>\u2026in the Wallowa Valley. If you can get here before we go, you may be in time to send your grandfather to the next world with a light heart. He has worried much for you these last two years. We will only be here until\u2026<\/em>um, Audun, maybe you should have read this to me.\u201d<\/p>\n<p>\u201cQ\u2019oyxc\u2019\u00e1al!\u201d Audun shouted, and Adam couldn\u2019t hide his surprise; he had never seen Audun lose his temper. With a visible effort, Audun calmed himself. \u201cKhoyt-sal,\u201d he repeated slowly and clearly. \u201cIt\u2019s the Moon of the Run of Blueback Salmon. White people say \u2018July.\u2019 Look\u2026Father\u2026\u201d He drew a deep breath. \u201cYou are my father. I won\u2019t forget that; I can\u2019t. But I can\u2019t forget the Nimiipuu either, and I would be wrong if I did. For years they were my only fam\u2014\u201d<\/p>\n<p>\u201cAudun,\u201d Adam broke in, standing up to grip him by the arms, \u201cI understand. You can go. I\u2019ll go with you.\u201d<\/p>\n<p>\u201cYou will?\u201d<\/p>\n<p>\u201cYes. Is this the same place where my father went to find you?\u201d<\/p>\n<p>\u201cYes\u2014unless they have already moved when we get there; then we must catch them on the trail.\u201d<\/p>\n<p>\u201cThey wouldn\u2019t leave if Shmoqula is sick, would they? We\u2019ll find them. I\u2019ll talk to my father and Tilly tonight, and you go ahead and pack your saddlebags and bedroll.\u201d<\/p>\n<p>\u201cNo\u2026\u201d Audun said as realization set in. \u201cWe must take a wagon. You\u2019ve only been riding for three months, Father. You\u2019re not ready to ride all day, every day, for nine days.\u201d<\/p>\n<p>\u201cIt\u2019ll be longer than nine days if we take a wagon. More like two weeks.\u201d<\/p>\n<p>\u201cShmoqula will wait for me. But if you get on a horse you won\u2019t admit it when you begin to hurt or even if you tear something and start to bleed. I won\u2019t chance that. We must take a wagon.\u201d<\/p>\n<p>\u201cA wagon it is, then,\u201d Adam said, secretly relieved. With a wagon, he could even take Lady\u2026provided the Nez Perce didn\u2019t eat dogs.<\/p>\n<p>\u201cFather\u2026will Tilly be upset? It\u2019s only been two months\u2026\u201d<\/p>\n<p>\u201cI don\u2019t think so\u2014or at least, I think she\u2019ll understand.\u201d<\/p>\n<p><strong>Chapter 7<\/strong><\/p>\n<p><strong><em>May, 1875<\/em><\/strong><\/p>\n<p><strong>\u00a0<\/strong>Adam walked aimlessly down the main street of Silver Peak. \u201cThe devil finds work for idle hands,\u201d he\u2019d always heard, and he was beginning to believe it. This town had no theater, no library, not even a proper caf\u00e9. If you wanted to eat, you went to a bar. If you wanted music, you went to a bar. If you wanted entertainment\u2026of any kind\u2026you went to a bar. It would be fun to start a teetotalling society here, he thought, just to see what would happen.<\/p>\n<p>There was a dog limping on three legs as it went down the street. Funny-looking dog. A hound, with large brown eyes, a broad snout, and long, floppy ears. Once, Adam had thought all dogs were hounds, terriers, or spaniels\u2014or some combination of all three. There had been a time when he hadn\u2019t known what a collie was. The first time he\u2019d seen Lady he\u2019d thought she was the ugliest thing he\u2019d ever seen, with her black-speckled gray too-long fur, her tipped ears, her wedge-shaped head and sharp muzzle. Now other dogs looked abnormal to him since collies had won his heart.<\/p>\n<p>He clucked to the dog, and it gave him a brief, disgusted look before continuing on its way. Without knowing quite why, Adam followed. At the end of the street, the dog turned across a hard-packed, grassless yard and hopped up to the porch of a dilapidated house, thrusting its nose into the hand of an elderly man who sat shirtless on a rocking chair.<\/p>\n<p>\u201cNee\u2019 sumfin\u2019?\u201d the man asked around a wad of chewing tobacco.<\/p>\n<p>\u201cI\u2026uh\u2026I just wanted to make sure your dog got home all right,\u201d Adam said lamely.<\/p>\n<p>\u201cEp,\u201d said the man, spitting a brown stream into the tin can serving as his spittoon.<\/p>\n<p>\u201cHe\u2019s hurt, you know. That near hind leg\u2019s givin\u2019 him some trouble.\u201d<\/p>\n<p>\u201cDon\u2019 worry,\u201d the man mumbled. \u201cHe ain\u2019 got nowhere to go, no how.\u201d<\/p>\n<p>Adam smiled helplessly, turning back to town. \u201cGod, I miss Lady,\u201d he sighed.<\/p>\n<p><strong><em>Early December, 1873<\/em><\/strong><\/p>\n<p>Adam gently slapped Lady on the side and heard a resounding thump. His eyebrows raised, Adam looked back at Joe. \u201cYou\u2019re right; she\u2019s gettin\u2019 fat. I can\u2019t think why, though.\u201d<\/p>\n<p>\u201cWhy d\u2019you think I was so upset when I saw you and Tilly and her the day you got back?\u201d Joe replied. \u201cPa was reading stories out of the Paris newspapers to us all the time. I kept thinking about how you were starving, maybe even eating your dog, since people were eating rats and\u2014\u201d<\/p>\n<p>\u201cWe know,\u201d Tilly put in. \u201cWe were there.\u201d<\/p>\n<p>\u201cDidya eat rats?\u201d Hoss asked.<\/p>\n<p>Tilly and Adam exchanged a glance. \u201cIt was France,\u201d Adam finally said with a lopsided grin. \u201cTheir idea of haute cuisine is snails. Rats aren\u2019t that big a comedown, when you think about it. Besides, when Pa and I were crossing the country, we lived off squirrels. Not that much difference.\u201d<\/p>\n<p>\u201cThey taste like chicken,\u201d Tilly added, and smiled at the skeptical looks.<\/p>\n<p>Audun, who had been listening to the adults, suddenly grunted. \u201cLady is not fat.\u201d<\/p>\n<p>\u201cThen how do you account for that belly?\u201d Adam asked.<\/p>\n<p>\u201cShe\u2019s pregnant. If you move the fur aside and look at her nipples, you\u2019ll see.\u201d<\/p>\n<p>Tilly blushed; Adam\u2019s mouth dropped open. He looked at Hoss. \u201cWho\u2019s been teaching him those kinds of words?\u201d<\/p>\n<p>\u201cHey, it wasn\u2019t us, Older Brother,\u201d Joe protested. \u201cHe came to us with a ready-made vocabulary.\u201d<\/p>\n<p>Adam looked at Tilly. \u201cAny idea how this happened?\u201d<\/p>\n<p>\u201cHe\u2019s not my kid,\u201d Tilly chuckled. \u201cI only wish he were!\u201d<\/p>\n<p>\u201cYou know what I mean. Lady\u2026\u201d<\/p>\n<p>Tilly shrugged helplessly. \u201cShe was only away from me once, and for just a little while. The day when you were still in the hospital and I had to go see\u2026you know\u2026\u201d she coughed.<\/p>\n<p>\u201cWho?\u201d Joe demanded.<\/p>\n<p>\u201cQueen Victoria,\u201d Tilly mumbled. \u201cDo you remember that, Adam?\u201d<\/p>\n<p>\u201cNo\u2026\u201d<\/p>\n<p>\u201cIt was after\u2026you know\u2026you saved her life at the train station, and I got\u2014\u201d<\/p>\n<p>\u201cHe did what?\u201d Joe squeaked; Hoss\u2019s jaw dropped, and Audun suddenly found an interesting speck of dust on the floor demanding his attention.<\/p>\n<p>Tilly looked at Hoss and Joe. \u201cIt\u2019s a long story. Don\u2019t ask.\u201d<\/p>\n<p>\u201cFor what it\u2019s worth, I\u2019d like to hear how that happened myself,\u201d Adam put in. \u201cBut one thing at a time. All right, you went to see the queen. Why\u2019d you take Lady?\u201d<\/p>\n<p>\u201cThey wouldn\u2019t let her stay in the hospital with you, and I couldn\u2019t leave her alone, Adam. She\u2019s become a holy terror left alone\u2014she eats everything from clothes and books to tables and chairs. Besides, I knew Queen Victoria liked collies, so I hoped she wouldn\u2019t mind. And she didn\u2019t. She said Lady\u2019s wounds were \u2018scars of valor,\u2019 and she was really nice about everything.\u201d<\/p>\n<p>\u201cBut\u2026.\u201d<\/p>\n<p>\u201cOh, no.\u201d Tilly put her hand over her mouth. \u201cNoble!\u201d<\/p>\n<p>\u201cWhat?\u201d<\/p>\n<p>She moved her hand. \u201cShe had a bunch of collies\u2014Gypsy and Noble and Oscar. She took me out to the gardens to walk around; the dogs came with us. I remember Noble was a big black and white dog with four white paws and a brown face. Lady seemed to like him, and they were running around and chasing each other\u2026.\u201d<\/p>\n<p>\u201cAnd then they just\u2026disappeared!\u201d Joe extrapolated with a grin.<\/p>\n<p>\u201cWell, I\u2019m embarrassed,\u201d Adam murmured.<\/p>\n<p>Tilly giggled. \u201cI don\u2019t see why. It\u2019ll hardly be the first time royalty fathered an illegitimate child off a commoner.\u201d<\/p>\n<p>\u201cTilly!\u201d Adam cried, exasperated, and jerked his head toward Audun.<\/p>\n<p>\u201cWhat\u2019s this word, \u2018illegitimate,\u2019 father?\u201d Audun spoke up right on cue. \u201cIs it the same as \u2018bastard\u2019?\u201d<\/p>\n<p>Adam put his hand over his eyes. \u201cThis is your mess, Tilly. You clean it up.\u201d<\/p>\n<p>\u201cOkay. Audun, have you ever heard of King Charles the Second?\u201d<\/p>\n<p>\u201cNo.\u201d<\/p>\n<p>Tilly grinned. \u201cYou\u2019re about to get a real history lesson.\u201d<\/p>\n<p>\u201cI didn\u2019t mean \u2018clean it up\u2019 that way!\u201d Adam growled. \u201cEverybody get out. My fat dog and I are in dire need of our beauty rest.\u201d<\/p>\n<p>\u201cAbout six months might do it,\u201d Joe giggled as he made his way out.<\/p>\n<p style=\"text-align: center;\">**<\/p>\n<p>Two days before Alice gave birth to Bonnie, Lady had a single puppy\u2014although the poor dog was so big she could hardly walk. After waiting a full day, poking and prodding Lady all over, and watching as she refused to eat, Audun set his jaw and came in with a stack of newspapers and a bundle of some kind of rubbery apparatus.<\/p>\n<p>\u201cWhat in the world is that?\u201d Adam, under the kitchen table with Lady, demanded.<\/p>\n<p>\u201cIt\u2019s a douching bag,\u201d Audun replied with a dubious look. \u201cI\u2019m surprised you didn\u2019t know. And you shouldn\u2019t even be down there, Father. Your back is like shed snake-skin.\u201d<\/p>\n<p>\u201cDon\u2019t tell me about my back, boy\u2014this is my dog. Where\u2019d you get that\u2014that bag, anyway?\u201d<\/p>\n<p>\u201cDr. Martin gave it to me\u2014he didn\u2019t have any enema bags to spare, but he said I could use this \u2018in a pinch.\u2019\u201d<\/p>\n<p>\u201cOh Lord.\u201d Adam put a hand over his face.<\/p>\n<p>\u201cIt\u2019s all right\u2014I\u2019ll use a different tube. And I won\u2019t tell anyone if you won\u2019t.\u201d<\/p>\n<p>\u201cAre you sure this is necessary?\u201d<\/p>\n<p>Audun raised his eyebrows. \u201cLady is big enough to have eight puppies right now, but I can\u2019t feel any more inside her. That leaves only one other option I know of\u2026here; hold this.\u201d<\/p>\n<p>A couple of hours later, Lady had regained most of her trim figure, and the floor\u2014despite all the newspapers\u2014needed a severe scrubbing.<\/p>\n<p>Tilly held up the solo arrival; he was almost solid black, with the exception of four white paws, a white tail-tip, and a pitiful approximation of a white ruff that looked more like a dinner napkin tucked under his chin.<\/p>\n<p>\u201cNoble\u2019s son. He has to be,\u201d Tilly declared. \u201cI guess that makes him a royal duke!\u201d<\/p>\n<p>When Duke\u2019s eyes opened, they bore testimony that he had at least inherited one thing from his mother\u2014the only thing he had gotten from her, physically. Otherwise, he had inherited her intelligence, her courage, and her total devotion to Adam and Tilly. Somehow it had never occurred to Adam that he would have some males in the \u201cbouquet of lilies\u201d that Lady and Tilly had begun, but when he looked over Audun, Duke, Tilly, and Lady, he decided he had nothing to complain about.<\/p>\n<p>Not at that time, anyway.<\/p>\n<p><strong>Chapter 8<\/strong><\/p>\n<p><strong><em>May, 1875<\/em><\/strong><\/p>\n<p>Ben Cartwright stared at the ledger, but even with his eyeglasses on, the numbers were blurred. He blinked and finally took the glasses off. This was no way to run a business. Thank God Mutton Jim was an honest man. He ran the cattle operation as smoothly as if he\u2019d been born to it. Will Cartwright had taken over the timber business from Joe, but was still finding his way. Not that Joe had been in any shape to give anyone a run-down of the operation, of course.<\/p>\n<p>Beth had been right. Maybe tomorrow he\u2019d ride into town and tell her so. He shouldn\u2019t have let Joe go off half-cocked like that, and God only knew what he\u2019d been thinking, letting Adam go along. Something was wrong with Adam, but Adam-like, he did such a good job covering it up that everyone else just left him alone and let him work things out.<\/p>\n<p><strong><em>January, 1874<\/em><\/strong><\/p>\n<p>There were two things that convinced Ben to drop the idea of a party. Although the townspeople had clamored for it, Adam and Tilly had no desire for one, and Ben had already had doubts even before mentioning it to Adam.<\/p>\n<p>New Year\u2019s Eve had cast a lot of doubt on its own. Adam and Tilly were sitting on the sofa reading by the dim light of an oil lamp when Hop Sing had taken Audun outside for fireworks. When the first one had gone off, Adam gasped and threw himself across Tilly. He\u2019d then realized what was going on and managed a sheepish shrug and apology. But at least he\u2019d brought himself out of that one.<\/p>\n<p>The following week they went to church. It was the second time, and Adam had seemed fine before. Of course, the first time had been in between Christmas and the New Year, and not many people had been there. This Sunday, the place was packed. The service had barely started when Adam began to shake all over. A moment later he dropped his hymnal and bolted for the door. Ben had thought it might be stomach woes, but Tilly and Audun disregarded his stern look and rushed after Adam. Ben sat rigidly still, wondering what in the world had happened. Adam did not reappear, and after another ten minutes, Ben gave Beth an apologetic glance and crept out himself.<\/p>\n<p>He found Adam sitting on the church steps gasping, his collar open, a burlap bag across his nose and mouth like a mask. \u201cSlower!\u201d Audun was saying. \u201cTry to count. In, two, three, four. Out, two, three, four.\u201d<\/p>\n<p>\u201cWhat\u2019s the matter with him?\u201d Ben demanded. \u201cAnd get that cloth off his face before he suffocates.\u201d<\/p>\n<p>\u201cThat\u2019s the problem\u2014he was suffocating himself!\u201d Audun snapped back. \u201cTilly has gone for Doctor Martin\u2014you must sit down and be quiet or you\u2019ll make him worse.\u201d<\/p>\n<p>Before he could slap the insolent child, he heard running footsteps and Paul Martin pounded up, carrying his bag. Tilly was nowhere in sight.<\/p>\n<p>\u201cHe was gasping for air, breathing too fast,\u201d Audun reported. \u201cBut his heart seems strong.\u201d<\/p>\n<p>\u201cWhat\u2019s the burlap for?\u201d<\/p>\n<p>\u201cDr. Kam told me if you breathe too fast like this, it\u2019s bad for you. Breathing through a coarse weave slows him down.\u201d<\/p>\n<p>A minute later Tilly arrived, and she was panting too, but no one noticed. She took Adam\u2019s hand; he squeezed hers so hard her eyes nearly popped out, but a moment later his breathing was slowing again. \u201cI\u2014I\u2019m fine,\u201d he stammered. \u201cI j-j-just\u2026it was too crowded in there. I couldn\u2019t breathe. That was all.\u201d<\/p>\n<p>Paul listened to his heart for a few minutes. \u201cIt\u2019s going like a locomotive,\u201d he muttered. \u201cBut it\u2019s regular. It\u2019s not a heart attack.\u201d<\/p>\n<p>\u201cWell, what is it?\u201d Ben blurted.<\/p>\n<p>\u201cI don\u2019t know.\u201d Paul stuffed the stethoscope back into his bag. \u201cI read a paper a couple years ago about a lot of veterans of the Southern Insurrection who had something like this\u2026Da Costa called it \u2018Irritable Heart.\u2019 Chest pains, palpitation, breathing too fast\u2026but instead of getting worse, like a heart attack, it goes away. Adam, were you and Tilly actually in the war over in Paris?\u201d<\/p>\n<p>Adam made a face. \u201cYou could call it that. But Tilly was there; she lived through as many shellings as I did, and she\u2019s all right. I think\u2026I think I\u2019m just trying to get things back to normal too fast.\u201d<\/p>\n<p>\u201cYes,\u201d Tilly said, gripping his arm. \u201cToo much, too fast. That\u2019s all. He needs to rest a while; he\u2019ll be fine.\u201d<\/p>\n<p>Audun started to say something, but Paul shoved the bag into his hands. \u201cTake that back to my office, Audun, if you would.\u201d<\/p>\n<p>Adam shuddered. \u201cI\u2019m all right, really. I just\u2026it\u2019s all right. I\u2019ll work it out.\u201d<\/p>\n<p><strong><em>May, 1875<\/em><\/strong><\/p>\n<p>Well, whatever it was this time, Adam hadn\u2019t worked it out. Ben had seen the slight edge to the conversations between Adam and Tilly the last few months, heard a sharpness in his voice that hadn\u2019t been there before. He\u2019d seen the look on Adam\u2019s face the night before he and Joe had left, the odd combination of anticipation and belligerence when he looked at Tilly, as if he hoped she would try to beg him to stay\u2014just so he could leave over her protest. And he\u2019d seen the almost ghost-like visage Tilly had presented as she sat in silence, never offering a word of resistance.<\/p>\n<p>Ghost. It was an apt word. Alice, a few weeks before her death, had said it herself: the Ponderosa had become a ghost house. There was something wrong with Hoss\u2014well of course there was, but it was even worse than anyone had expected. Something was festering deep in him. But Joe, oh Lord, Joe. Maybe that was why it was so easy to set aside Hoss and Adam. Adam hadn\u2019t lost Tilly; he\u2019d simply fallen out with her. Hoss\u2026well, Ben understood all too well what had happened with Veralyn. But Joe\u2026<\/p>\n<p>It was such a small house, he thought, not for the first time. How had it managed to burn down all around her and her brother? How had they not managed to get out?<\/p>\n<p><strong><em>March, 1875<\/em><\/strong><\/p>\n<p>They\u2019d left Bonnie Marie and Robin with Hoss and Audun that day. Tilly and Beth had things to get in town, and he\u2019d taken them in the buggy. They spotted the familiar wagon right outside Cameron\u2019s General Store (Beth had never changed the name of the place; too much legal wrangling), with Bruce sitting in the back; he barked once in recognition and jumped into their wagon so Tilly could pat him. Funny to find that wagon there, though, since Joe wasn\u2019t supposed to be getting back till the next day, but he was inside Beth\u2019s store, laying in enough supplies to tide him until summer. They kidded him a little about that, and he gave them that winning smile, saying, \u201cMy wife\u2019s in a family way, Pa\u2014I just figured it was time I act a little more like a family man. Tilly, do you mind keeping Bonnie with you a few more days? I\u2019d kinda like to get acquainted with Alice again.\u201d<\/p>\n<p>Tilly laughed. \u201cAlice will be happy to hear that. You have been a stranger lately, haven\u2019t you?\u201d<\/p>\n<p>Joe had given her a funny look, but made no reply.<\/p>\n<p>They ran into him again as they were leaving town, and since they were driving out the same way, Joe had suggested they all stop at his house for a quick cup of coffee before going home.<\/p>\n<p>\u201cWasn\u2019t Adam supposed to be going over today?\u201d Tilly asked. \u201cMaybe he\u2019ll be there too.\u201d<\/p>\n<p>The little yellow house had been in a large field; Adam had commented wryly on his first sight of the place that it was next door to nothin\u2019. Joe had tartly informed him that he liked being out in the open like that; nobody could sneak up on him that way. Joe was right; you could see the place half a mile out\u2014but that day, what they saw was a thick plume of black smoke, and the little yellow house was engulfed in orange flames. And there was nobody outside.<\/p>\n<p>\u201cGod\u2014Alice!\u201d Joe screamed, and laid the whip across the backs of his horses as if he could beat them hard enough to change what was happening. The team sprinted across the field, and Ben whipped up his own horses so hard that Beth tumbled off the seat and into the back of the wagon.<\/p>\n<p>Joe was already off the wagon and dashing toward the house; Ben halted his team and ran after Joe, shouting back at the women to stay away. The heat was so intense Ben was sure he was roasting; he caught Joe beating on the door, trying to break it down, but of all things, the door was holding. Joe spun out of his grasp and ran toward the bedroom window, the only window low enough to get through, and plunged through the already broken glass, leaving Ben no alternative but to jump in after him.<\/p>\n<p>The noise was deafening and the thick black smoke overpowering. He felt as if all the air had been sucked out of his lungs. Somehow Ben grabbed human flesh; he only knew it was Joe because Joe was still trying to fight him off. \u201cI\u2019ve got to get to Alice!\u201d he screamed, shoving Ben away, and as the house groaned and creaked around them, Joe bolted again, right into the thickest of the flames. Again Ben followed him, this time catching a glimpse of a man\u2014<em>oh God, Adam?<\/em>\u2014lying on the floor, flames licking about him. There was no time to see. Miraculously, he heard Joe screaming Alice\u2019s name over the roar of the fire, and he blindly moved in that direction, grabbing Joe again. The floor near them was giving way, and he yanked Joe back just as it cracked open and whatever was left of Alice disappeared under it, flames enveloping her completely. Joe plunged that way, thrusting his hands into the heart of the inferno, but Ben grabbed him by the belt and pulled him backwards. With Joe fighting him all the way, Ben dragged him back to the window, threw him out and crawled after.<\/p>\n<p>Outside Beth and Tilly had taken the two buckets from the nearby well and were making a pathetic attempt to put out the flames. Later, Ben would shake his head in a combination of wry amusement and admiration at the gallant, silly females with their little buckets, but at the moment he was too busy struggling with Joe to worry about them. Joe was still screaming Alice\u2019s name and Ben had to hold him back from running back to the house; Joe tried to push Ben away, but his own blistered hands stuck to the fabric of Ben\u2019s coat.<\/p>\n<p>\u201cIt\u2019s too late!\u201d Ben shouted in Joe\u2019s ear, but Joe wasn\u2019t listening. He was screaming\u2014then sobbing\u2014Alice\u2019s name. There was a massive cracking noise, and the frame of the house fell in.<\/p>\n<p>A minute later Beth shrieked and threw a bucketful of water on Ben\u2014the back of his jacket had caught fire and he hadn\u2019t noticed. Already off balance, he toppled over. Somehow he got up, pulling Joe along with him, but all the fight had gone out of the man now; whether it was exhaustion or injury or just smoke inhalation, he collapsed like a storm-blasted stripling pine.<\/p>\n<p>For a minute Ben just held the unconscious Joe, and the two women stared at the house. And then Tilly said, in a shaky voice, \u201cWasn\u2019t Adam supposed to be here today?\u201d<\/p>\n<p>Ben dragged the catatonic Joe back to one wagon, and called Beth over. \u201cTake Tilly home. I\u2019ve got to get Joe to the doctor\u2019s\u2026and let the sheriff know.\u201d<\/p>\n<p>\u201cWhat about Adam?\u201d Beth asked.<\/p>\n<p>He only shook his head, unwilling to consider that possibility. <em>No. That was not Adam. It could not have been. God could never be so cruel.<\/em><\/p>\n<p style=\"text-align: center;\">**<\/p>\n<p>\u201cMostly second-degree burns, just on his arms and hands,\u201d Paul told him. \u201cSome minor burns on his face\u2014nothing that won\u2019t heal. Could\u2019ve been a lot worse. He\u2019ll be in a lot of pain when he wakes up; I\u2019ll keep him here for a couple of days. He\u2019s lucky not to have worse, though. Diving into a burning house is\u2026well, I\u2019ll say daring, but you know I mean stupid, right? Good thing you were there, Ben\u2014but judging from the looks of you I think I\u2019d best examine you, too.\u201d<\/p>\n<p>\u201cI don\u2019t need\u2014\u201d<\/p>\n<p>\u201cNo, Ben,\u201d Roy said. \u201cYou\u2019re lookin\u2019 mighty peaked, and ain\u2019t nothin\u2019 for you to do nohow. My boys\u2019re goin\u2019 over that place with a nit comb. My new Deppity Jerry\u2019s sharper\u2019n a hawk\u2019s beak.\u201d<\/p>\n<p>\u201cHave you identified the\u2026the man, yet?\u201d<\/p>\n<p>\u201cAin\u2019t nothin\u2019 to identify. Even his hair burnt up. Whoever set the fire knew what they were doing.\u201d<\/p>\n<p>\u201cYou think it was arson?\u201d<\/p>\n<p>Roy shrugged. \u201cSure seems like it to me. But we\u2019ve got all the bones in the wagon, and later Paul can give \u2019em a goin\u2019 over. Jerry says he reckons the man was a little under six feet, though, so it couldn\u2019t a\u2019 been Adam. I do wonder why he wasn\u2019t there\u2026Ben, did Alice have any enemies?\u201d<\/p>\n<p>\u201cDon\u2019t be ridiculous. You\u2019ve met her. Who in the world could hate her?\u201d<\/p>\n<p>Roy shrugged. \u201cOkay, I hate to ask this, but since you say Adam was supposed to\u2019ve gone there\u2026was <em>he<\/em> on good terms with Alice?\u201d<\/p>\n<p>Ben just stared at him. Finally he managed an indignant, \u201cAdam was devoted to Veralyn and Alice both. He treated them like real sisters.\u201d<\/p>\n<p>\u201cWell, I had to ask. Does anybody know why he didn\u2019t go out there like he was s\u2019posed to?\u201d<\/p>\n<p>Ben shook his head.<\/p>\n<p>There was a clattering outside, and he recognized Mutton Jim\u2019s voice, talking frantically with Jerry. Then the door opened and in he came. \u201cBoss\u2014Sheriff\u2014sorry to intrude, but I thought you\u2019d want to know. Adam\u2019s back at the Ponderosa. He\u2019s safe.\u201d<\/p>\n<p>\u201cWhen did he come in?\u201d Roy asked, and Ben stared at him with growing hostility.<\/p>\n<p>\u201cJust \u2019fore I left.\u201d Jim dug his pocket watch from his jeans. \u201cAround an hour ago. I knew you was worried since Adam was supposed to go out there today, Boss, so I thought I\u2019d best tell you\u2014and besides, you need to know anyhow. Somehow or other Lady got herself kilt. I think she musta fell off the rocks by the gorge, though, on account of Adam was pretty bloody himself. He said she died in his arms and he carried her up somewhere around the lake to bury her.\u201d<\/p>\n<p>\u201cWhat?\u201d<\/p>\n<p>\u201cThat\u2019s right. Adam said he never made it out to Alice\u2019s on account of Lady. She died and he went to bury her. Said he figured by then it was too late to go. I told him about the fire. He looked pretty stove-in, Boss, but then the way he felt about that dog, he was lookin\u2019 stove-in before I ever told him.\u201d<\/p>\n<p>\u201cWell, that explains that,\u201d Roy muttered.<\/p>\n<p>\u201cThank you,\u201d Ben snapped at Roy. Roy knew as well as Ben how Adam felt about that dog\u2014most of Virginia City knew. Adam even took her to work out at Becker and Lloyd\u2019s, and stories had gone through town about how the dog sat under the drafting table as Adam worked.<\/p>\n<p>The deputies found a livery horse grazing about a mile away, with a wallet belonging to John Harper\u2014Alice\u2019s brother\u2014in its saddlebags. John had visited Alice often, although even she had little use for him as he slipped deeper into debt, drink, and dissipation. Roy couldn\u2019t let go of wondering how the two of them had managed to die in different rooms of the same small house. He also couldn\u2019t let go the notion that they had been murdered, but having no evidence, no clear tracks to follow\u2014the wagons and the subsequent posse had damaged the evidence too badly to see in the growing dark, and the following morning a thunderstorm destroyed what was left\u2014he shrugged and said he wouldn\u2019t push things. Joe was out cold for a couple of days, and nobody ever told him about the suspicious circumstances; people figured he had enough to deal with.<\/p>\n<p style=\"text-align: center;\">**<\/p>\n<p>In the face of the greater tragedy, Lady\u2019s death was laid aside. So was whatever had happened to Adam, once Roy was certain he wasn\u2019t a murderer. (\u201cWell I\u2019m sorry, Ben, but you do have to admit he\u2019s been actin\u2019 pretty funny since he got back from that island.\u201d) Joe had been unable to accept the truth for the first couple of days. By the third day he was barely holding himself together; he stood silent and cold at the funeral, his hands and arms covered in white gauze, bandages on his face, his hair unnaturally short since it had been scorched away. He said nothing to any of the well-wishers and nothing to his family, and sometime during the wake he disappeared. It was Ben who took his best guess where Joe might be, and found him at the ruins\u2026Ben who listened in horrified silence while Joe\u2014his voice little more than a croak\u2014rambled on about Alice\u2026Ben who held him in his arms while Joe finally let his grief manifest itself in great howling sobs of near-unearthly pain\u2026Ben who guided him back to the wagon and took him home and put him to bed\u2026and Ben who watched while the days went by and Joe\u2019s grief took the form of a seething rage no Cartwright had ever seen before. It was Ben who sent ranch hand after ranch hand after him to watch and\u2014he hoped\u2014keep Joe out of trouble as he prowled through Virginia City, drinking too much, picking fights, and daring anyone to say something. And it was Ben who had finally sent Adam after him, and then, on their return, seen the two of them near a boiling point with neither listening to reason. Joe had said he had to get away, and Adam said he did too, and while Joe had made it plain Adam wasn\u2019t welcome, Adam had made it just as plain that he\u2019d be going along.<\/p>\n<p>And then Hoss had gone to bed with a cough that Paul said might be flu, again, so there it was. Adam and Joe left, and there was nothing to hold them back\u2026nothing, for that matter, to keep them from killing each other.<\/p>\n<p><strong>Chapter 9<\/strong><\/p>\n<p><strong><em>May, 1875<\/em><\/strong><\/p>\n<p>Tilly couldn\u2019t remember when her nightmares had started. She knew she\u2019d had a few on the trip back to England, but Adam had been so sick then and her sleep so irregular, the whole voyage frequently seemed like one long bad dream. She remembered at least one on the steamship to New York because she\u2019d felt a sudden pressure on top of her belly and thought, \u201cNo!\u201d She\u2019d reached for her coconut husking stick, but it wasn\u2019t there. Fur covered her nose, forcing her awake, and she realized it was just Lady crawling across her, trying to get to Adam\u2014who was thrashing through a nightmare of his own.<\/p>\n<p>It made sense, when she thought about it. There were doctors now who thought nightmares were people\u2019s ways of coping with bad things. All right, two men had, in two different situations, attempted to molest her. She had gotten away from the first one, and that whole incident played almost comically in her head when she allowed herself to remember. But the second, well, that had been Max. And she\u2019d killed him. As he had had no weapon, she supposed some would even call it murder.<\/p>\n<p>She still felt no guilt for what she\u2019d done, though, and couldn\u2019t fathom why it would continue to pop into her dreams\u2014especially since they\u2019d traveled over 10,000 miles and crossed three oceans since then. Especially since she had Adam back. Especially since there was no longer any danger to either of them, safe in her husband\u2019s boyhood home. Especially since they were starting to put their lives back together. She had a husband who loved her as much as she loved him; they now had a beautiful son to care for; even Ben Cartwright seemed to be warming up to her. She and Ben had gotten off to a bad start; they both knew that, and between both their tempers and stubbornness, they always seemed to be at odds. But she was trying to stop reading insults into the things he said, and he was trying to remember that she was his daughter-in-law too, and however strange the circumstances had been, she and Adam were just as married as Hoss and Veralyn or Joe and Alice.<\/p>\n<p>There were even times she thought he\u2019d gotten over blaming her for taking Adam away from the Ponderosa.<\/p>\n<p>Adam had healed\u2014physically at least\u2014as well as Audun predicted. By mid-April, a mere five months after their return, he was learning to ride again. By late April he had started working part-time at Becker and Lloyd, the architectural firm where he owned part of the business. And of course then it was June, and he and Audun had gone off together to Oregon.<\/p>\n<p>By then, though, the world had begun to fall apart. And somehow it never had stopped. They\u2019d been in a downward spiral now for almost a year, she guessed. Not just her; not just Adam. The whole family.<\/p>\n<p>And those blasted nightmares of hers hadn\u2019t helped; she was pretty sure, in fact, that somehow they\u2019d been the last nails in the coffin.<\/p>\n<p>\u201cNails in the coffin\u2026\u201d she shuddered, remembering hearing the men outside working on coffins that gray morning last May. And more recently, she recalled the men outside working on the coffins just a month ago in March\u2026although they\u2019d had precious little to bury, that time.<\/p>\n<p><strong><em>March, 1875<\/em><\/strong><\/p>\n<p>When he walked into the house Adam looked like death, and Tilly and Beth cried out in alarm. He was covered in caked dirt and dried blood, and holding a soggy shirt in his hand.<\/p>\n<p>\u201cI\u2019m all right.\u201d He brushed Tilly away, continuing into their room. She left an open-mouthed Beth behind and followed him, closing the door as he poured water into the ewer, soaping his hands and beginning to wash.<\/p>\n<p>\u201cAdam\u2014you\u2019ve got mud and blood all over. Were you at\u2014what happened?\u201d<\/p>\n<p>\u201cLady,\u201d he said tersely. \u201cShe\u2019s dead. I\u2026I just buried her.\u201d<\/p>\n<p>\u201cOh God.\u201d <em>Not Lady too.<\/em> \u201cAdam\u2026\u201d<\/p>\n<p>He looked at her with little interest.<\/p>\n<p>\u201cAdam, I have to tell you\u2026Alice is dead. There was a fire at Joe\u2019s house and\u2026and\u2026\u201d<\/p>\n<p>Adam took the news without a word. She didn\u2019t know if he\u2019d already been told or if it was too much to take in all at once.<\/p>\n<p>Finally, he nodded. \u201cWhere\u2019s Joe?\u201d<\/p>\n<p>\u201cBen took him into town. He got some bad burns when he tried to get into the house to save Alice. He was half wild, Adam; it was awful.\u201d<\/p>\n<p>\u201cWhat about Bonnie?\u201d<\/p>\n<p>She indicated the large cradle where Bonnie sat, curiously eyeing the sleeping Robin. \u201cSeemed like the least I could do was keep watching her.\u201d<\/p>\n<p>Adam looked at her. \u201cI guess so.\u201d<\/p>\n<p>There were layers and layers of meaning to that, she supposed, but she was too tired and miserable to try and sort them out. She\u2019d only known Alice 17 months, but she\u2019d loved her. They had been partners in grief after Veralyn\u2019s death, and partners in childcare for the last year. And while neither Alice nor Adam had said anything, she had the feeling that they\u2019d felt a powerful affection for each other, too; in a way, it was surprising that Adam was taking this so well. Or maybe he was just in shock.<\/p>\n<p><em>And Lady dead too?<\/em> God, she hoped Adam wouldn\u2019t have any more nightmares about Grande Terre\u2026or Peter Kane, whoever he was. Somehow they seemed linked together, though she had never known how. <em>Poor, dear Lady\u2026Adam\u2019s first lily\u2026<\/em>It was too much to take in, too much to grieve in such a short time. <em>Well, she was only a dog after all\u2026the real grief has to be for Alice, right?<\/em><\/p>\n<p>That night, nobody had gotten much sleep. Dozing at around three in the morning, Tilly had another nightmare of her own and woke up to see Adam, fully awake, looking at her.<\/p>\n<p>He touched her cheek. \u201cTilly\u2026after they separated us\u2026were you safe? Did you\u2026did you go to the Kunie?\u201d<\/p>\n<p>\u201cYes.\u201d She stifled a yawn. <em>God\u2014he <u>is<\/u> thinking of Grande Terre again.<\/em><\/p>\n<p>\u201cWere you lonely?\u201d<\/p>\n<p>Managing a smile and wondering what this was about, she shrugged.<\/p>\n<p>He swallowed. \u201cDid you\u2026want to tell me anything about that time?\u201d<\/p>\n<p>She thought for a moment. There was nothing she could tell him that wouldn\u2019t bring on his too-responsible guilty feeling, activated far too often already, about protecting the ones he loved. She looked up at him and shook her head. \u201cNo\u2026why?\u201d<\/p>\n<p>His face became remote then, and he turned away. \u201cI didn\u2019t think so.\u201d<\/p>\n<p><strong>Chapter 10<\/strong><\/p>\n<p><strong><em>May, 1875<\/em><\/strong><\/p>\n<p>\u201c\u2026but the other Sun was mean to his second wife the Frog, and made her sit on his eye. Coyote told the Sun, \u2018you\u2019re not very nice!\u2019 So he took that Sun and made him the guardian of the nighttime instead, and his wife the Frog went with him. That\u2019s why when you look in the sky sometimes at night you don\u2019t see all of the Moon. You see the Frog sitting on the Moon\u2019s eye.\u201d<\/p>\n<p>Bonnie clapped her hands in uncomprehending delight, and Robin burped.<\/p>\n<p>\u201cDon\u2019t you have any studying to do?\u201d Ben asked irritably, putting on his coat and gun belt.<\/p>\n<p>\u201cHe\u2019s already done it,\u201d Tilly called from the kitchen. \u201cBesides, I promised Hop Sing I would help him with dinner, and Audun\u2019s watching the little ones.\u201d<\/p>\n<p>\u201cHoss will be home soon. He can watch the babies. Audun should be studying his math.\u201d<\/p>\n<p>Tilly emerged from the kitchen to put her hands on her hips. \u201cAudun is already ahead of the math curriculum I laid out for him.\u201d<\/p>\n<p>\u201cThen you must not have laid out enough,\u201d Ben growled.<\/p>\n<p>\u201cBen,\u201d Tilly said, \u201cfor now at least, I\u2019m in the position of mother to Audun. Either let me do it or kick me out of the house.\u201d<\/p>\n<p>A sigh. \u201cYou\u2019re not making sense. What do you mean \u2018for now\u2019? You\u2019re my daughter-in-law; I\u2019m hardly going to kick you out of the house. And I only want what\u2019s best for the boy.\u201d<\/p>\n<p>\u201cYou think I want him to be a drunken beggar? You know, I was a teacher at one time, and however evil I was thought to be by the populace, I was regarded pretty highly as an academic.\u201d<\/p>\n<p>\u201cMust you always be so argumentative, Tilly?\u201d<\/p>\n<p>She gave a hesitant smile. \u201cThere\u2019s no mandate for it, I guess. Must you always be so darned big and scary?\u201d<\/p>\n<p>He smiled back. \u201cThe \u2018big\u2019 part I can\u2019t help\u2026but maybe I can work on the scary part.\u201d<\/p>\n<p>\u201cThat would be nice.\u201d<\/p>\n<p>He looked down at Audun, on the floor with the two babies. \u201cAnd you\u2026at least give equal time to our religion. If you\u2019re going to tell them Nez Perce tales, tell them a Christian story too.\u201d<\/p>\n<p>Audun thought for a minute. \u201cYes, sir.\u201d He turned back to the little ones. \u201cThere came a day when the Creator looked down at the world and said \u2018There are too many bad people down there on the earth. I\u2019ll send my son and he will take care of things\u2026\u2019\u201d<\/p>\n<p>Ben seemed satisfied as he stepped outside. Tilly stayed where she was, listening as Audun went on, \u201cSo the Creator\u2019s son Jesus went down to the world and told everyone they should be kind to each other. But bad people came and killed him, and so he went back to the Old Man in the Stars and said \u2018Father, I don\u2019t think it worked.\u2019 And the Old Man in the Stars sat back and thought for a while, and then he saw where he had gone wrong. So he called Coyote and said, \u2018My son gave things a try but he talked too much and didn\u2019t kill the monsters. I want you to kill them now.\u2019 And so Coyote came to the world to kill the monsters.\u201d<\/p>\n<p>Tilly could only thank the Creator that Ben had left before he heard the rest of the story.<\/p>\n<p><strong><em>January, 1874<\/em><\/strong><\/p>\n<p>The second time they\u2019d gone to church after Christmas, Adam managed to sit through the whole sermon without having one of his \u201cirritable heart\u201d flair-ups. That made getting out a problem, since they had to leave at the same time as everyone else. With all the people still stopping the Cartwrights to welcome Adam back, it took nearly an hour to get away from the church, and Adam narrowly missed a few hearty back-slaps (only because Hoss stood directly behind him, grabbing and shaking the hands of anyone who got too close). But finally they were able to get to the door, only to be stopped again by Reverend Cook.<\/p>\n<p>\u201cI want to express again, Adam, my delight at your return\u2014\u201d The preacher\u2019s smile was huge, and as he turned to envelope one of Tilly\u2019s small, reluctant hands with both his giant paws, he beamed at her\u2014\u201cAnd of course you too, Mrs. Cartwright.\u201d<\/p>\n<p>Tilly mumbled something unintelligible as Adam put one arm around her.<\/p>\n<p>Audun had edged behind Tilly in an attempt to make an unnoticed escape, but Cook\u2019s big mitt clapped down on his shoulder. \u201cLittle Audie, right?\u201d He didn\u2019t seem to notice the winces this caused. \u201cI remember you being here last spring for the wedding. You look almost civilized now.\u201d<\/p>\n<p>Audun looked up at him in confusion. \u201cWhat did I look like before?\u201d<\/p>\n<p>\u201cLike a savage,\u201d the preacher laughed. \u201cAdam, Ben, since you\u2019ve got him dressed in human clothes, maybe you\u2019ll let me make a proper Christian out of him now, too.\u201d<\/p>\n<p>\u201cI was never an improper Christian,\u201d Audun said firmly before his father or grandfather could reply. \u201cMy mother made me read the Spirit Law Book every night. I believe in a Creator in the stars, and I believe in his son on the cross. It is only that I believe there are guiding spirits, too.\u201d<\/p>\n<p>\u201cGuiding spirits? Son, that\u2019s superstition.\u201d<\/p>\n<p>\u201cWhy is it superstition to believe the one, and faith to believe the other?\u201d Audun replied.<\/p>\n<p>From the look on the preacher\u2019s face, it was suddenly obvious to everyone that no one\u2014certainly no eleven-year-old\u2014had ever called him on this point before.<\/p>\n<p>Ben cut in. \u201cIt was good talking to you, Reverend\u2014we\u2019ll see you next Sunday.\u201d<\/p>\n<p>\u201cYou too, Ben. And you, Audie\u2014looks like we\u2019ll need to see a lot of you.\u201d<\/p>\n<p>Audun looked puzzled. \u201cWhy\u2014\u201d but Beth had him by the hand and had tugged him away before he could finish the question.<\/p>\n<p>\u201cI think we should have stayed,\u201d Adam said with a grin as they headed to the buggy. \u201cI\u2019d have liked to see that one go on for a while.\u201d<\/p>\n<p>\u201cThis is what I\u2019ve been dealing with for the last year,\u201d Ben retorted, matching grin for grin. \u201cSpeaking for myself, I\u2019m just as glad to hand the whole thing over to you now. You might not think it\u2019s so amusing after you\u2019ve been on the receiving end of one of his arguments. I, on the other hand, will be quite happy to watch. The worst curse a parent can apply is to hope his grandchildren are like their parents, and Audun is just like you.\u201d<\/p>\n<p>As they got in the buggy, Tilly said, \u201cYou shouldn\u2019t talk to the preacher that way, Audun.\u201d<\/p>\n<p>\u201cWhy?\u201d<\/p>\n<p>\u201cIt\u2019s not respectful.\u201d<\/p>\n<p>\u201cHe called me a savage. Is that respectful?\u201d<\/p>\n<p>\u201cAudun,\u201d Adam cut in, \u201cif you don\u2019t respect the man, at least respect the position he holds. He is a leader of the community, whatever you may think of him.\u201d<\/p>\n<p>\u201cAmong the Nimiipuu someone like that could never be a leader,\u201d Audun mumbled. \u201cAnd he has no business telling me that for him to believe in this unseen son of the Creator is faith, but for me to believe animals have spirits is superstitious.\u201d<\/p>\n<p>\u201cAnimals don\u2019t have spirits,\u201d Ben said. \u201cIf they did, it would be mentioned in the Bible.\u201d<\/p>\n<p>\u201cThe Bible does not mention armadillos, either, Grandfather, and I have never seen one. Should I now doubt their existence?\u201d<\/p>\n<p>\u201cI think he has you, Pa,\u201d Adam chuckled. \u201cBut I\u2019m starting to see what you mean.\u201d<\/p>\n<p><strong>Chapter 11<\/strong><\/p>\n<p><strong><em>May, 1875<\/em><\/strong><\/p>\n<p>Audun was telling Robin another story. Bonnie was asleep, sprawled across Duke, who was lying on the floor nearby. It was really nap time for Robin too, but he loved sitting on Audun\u2019s lap and listening to him talk, so Audun held him and told him story after story each day. That day he was telling him the story of how Cut-Out-of-Belly Boy defeated the evil Air People.<\/p>\n<p>\u201c\u2018So YOU are the one who made me an orphan!\u2019 Cut-Out-of-Belly Boy cried, and he grabbed Owl,\u201d Audun told Robin, making grabbing motions at the chubby boy, and Robin giggled appreciatively as Audun went on, \u201cCut-Out-of-Belly Boy plucked the feathers from Owl\u2019s wings. Then he said \u2018The Real People are coming, and I will lead them against the Air People.\u2019 Coyote heard the news and came to see for himself the boy who had been cut from his dead mother and yet had become the greatest warrior of the forest. Cut-Out-of-Belly Boy only had two arrows, but the foolish Air People attacked him in two straight lines, and so each of his arrows hit all the people in each line and they fell to the ground together.\u201d The door opened, but no one noticed as Audun continued, \u201cWhen the battle was over, Coyote stepped up to Cut-Out-of-Belly Boy and gave him a charm. \u2018You\u2019ll become a man, handsome and big,\u2019 Coyote said, \u2018And you\u2019ll be a great warrior.\u2019 And Cut-Out-of-Belly Boy did all these things, and he married a great many of the captured Air Women, too. And so he was avenged for the deaths of his parents\u2026\u201d And then Audun looked up to see his Uncle Hoss standing by the sideboard, his face looking as if it had been whitewashed. Audun gulped involuntarily. \u201cUncle\u2026\u201d<\/p>\n<p>Hoss took off his gun belt, rolling it up with studied casualness. He swallowed a couple of times and turned back to Audun, forcing a smile. \u201cThat was a real nice story, Audun.\u201d<\/p>\n<p>\u201cUncle, I\u2026.\u201d<\/p>\n<p>\u201cThat\u2019s one of them Nimiipuu legends, I reckon.\u201d His voice sounded hoarse.<\/p>\n<p>\u201cYes, sir\u2026I told him because I wanted him to know he could be great too\u2014\u201d<\/p>\n<p>\u201cI know why you told him.\u201d Hoss\u2019s voice became almost a whisper. \u201cI appreciate it\u2026I do, Audun. You remind me of Adam takin\u2019 care of Joe when he was little. He\u2026he used to tell me and Joe stories too. Someday I expect little Rob and Bonnie there will be taggin\u2019 along after you like me and Joe used to tag after Adam. Mind if I hold him for a bit?\u201d<\/p>\n<p>As if he understood full well what Hoss had said, Robin leaned forward and held his arms out.<\/p>\n<p>\u201cI could hardly mind,\u201d Audun mumbled, and passed the chubby blond boy over to his father.<\/p>\n<p><strong><em>May, 1874<\/em><\/strong><\/p>\n<p>Audun had ducked into Adam and Tilly\u2019s room, claiming he was behind on his studying, as soon as Alice and Veralyn had showed up, but after an hour of reading about the city-states of ancient Greece and their wars both with each other and with the Persians, his head was drooping. Sure, it was always interesting to read about warriors, but it seemed the Soyapo had spent their entire long history doing nothing but fighting each other. \u201cAnd yet they say Indians are not civilized.\u201d He closed the book. \u201cI need a break.\u201d<\/p>\n<p>He headed into the kitchen for a glass of buttermilk, but while he seldom paid attention to the stories and giggles of the three women in the living room, he couldn\u2019t help but listen in when they discussed their pregnancies\u2014one could learn so much from that kind of discussion. He hadn\u2019t been allowed to participate in the delivery of Alice\u2019s little girl six months before and was still disappointed about that.<\/p>\n<p>He took his glass back into Adam and Tilly\u2019s room, only to prick up his ears when he heard Veralyn lowering her voice. He peeked out.<\/p>\n<p>\u201cI\u2019ve been a little worried,\u201d Veralyn said in a voice he could barely hear. \u201cDr. Martin said a week ago that the baby could come at any time. Yesterday I started bleeding. Do you think something\u2019s wrong?\u201d<\/p>\n<p>Audun pursed his lips\u2014didn\u2019t they know the problems that could signify? White women seemed to know so little about their bodies.<\/p>\n<p>Alice and Tilly looked at each other. \u201cDoes it hurt?\u201d Alice finally asked.<\/p>\n<p>\u201cNo; no cramps or anything. I guess that means it\u2019s all right\u2026?\u201d<\/p>\n<p>\u201cIt\u2019s not all right,\u201d Audun announced, walking into the room. \u201cVeralyn, it could be very serious. How long have you been bleeding and how much blood is there?\u201d<\/p>\n<p>Veralyn blushed. \u201cI had no idea you were listening in. You\u2019re supposed to be studying.\u201d<\/p>\n<p>\u201cI was, but when I hear serious things today I don\u2019t care what happened at Thermopylae many years ago. I ask again, how much blood is there? More than you would lose in a moon time?\u201d<\/p>\n<p>\u201cI\u2019m not going to talk about that with you, Audun!\u201d Veralyn said sharply. \u201cI don\u2019t talk about those things with men, and certainly not eleven-year-old boys.\u201d<\/p>\n<p>\u201cVeralyn, he\u2019s had a lot of birthing experience,\u201d Tilly pointed out. \u201cMaybe you should tell him.\u201d<\/p>\n<p>\u201cNever mind,\u201d Audun replied. \u201cI won\u2019t waste time in an argument; I\u2019m going for Dr. Martin.\u201d He looked sternly at Veralyn. \u201cYou must lie down on your back and not move. Lie down on the sofa and put your feet up. I\u2019ll be back as soon as I can.\u201d<\/p>\n<p>\u201cI\u2019ll do no such thing!\u201d Veralyn looked scandalized. \u201cLying right in the living room where everyone can see? I\u2019ll go upstairs.\u201d<\/p>\n<p>\u201cBut\u2014\u201d<\/p>\n<p>\u201cI will not expose myself in public,\u201d Veralyn said sternly. \u201cTilly, Alice, you can help me up to Hoss\u2019s old room.\u201d<\/p>\n<p>Looking genuinely worried, Tilly stood up. \u201cAll right, but we\u2019ll take it slow on those stairs.\u201d<\/p>\n<p>Veralyn rolled her eyes. \u201cI don\u2019t see what the fuss is about\u2014it\u2019s not all that much, really, and it doesn\u2019t hurt at all.\u201d<\/p>\n<p>As the three women mounted the stairs, Tilly suddenly cried out \u201cEwwww!\u201d and the others looked at her. She grimaced. \u201cI think\u2026I think my water broke.\u201d<\/p>\n<p>Audun charged up the stairs, sliding on the dripping mess. \u201cAlice, get Veralyn into bed please, and hurry. Tilly, you must go to bed too. I\u2019m going to send a ranch hand out for the doctor. I\u2019ll be back in a minute to examine you.\u201d<\/p>\n<p>\u201cYou will not!\u201d Tilly cried.<\/p>\n<p>\u201cWhat happened to \u2018he has much birthing experience\u2019? That hasn\u2019t changed!\u201d<\/p>\n<p>\u201cAudun, you\u2019re my stepson. It just isn\u2019t proper. I\u2019ll lie down\u2014you get the doctor.\u201d<\/p>\n<p>\u201c<em>Tran\u00e1ni<\/em>!\u201d Audun swore. \u201cHop Sing, come and see if these women will at least be sensible for you!\u201d And as Hop Sing appeared, Audun ran out the door, leaving the adults to their own devices.<\/p>\n<p><strong>Chapter 12<\/strong><\/p>\n<p><strong><em>May, 1875<\/em><\/strong><\/p>\n<p>Eight days after their Silver Peak arrival, Adam was wondering if Joe intended to make this their permanent home. Every night he played poker until he nodded off at the table\u2014except the one night he had hired company for the evening\u2014and every night he lost. But Adam didn\u2019t ask Joe just how long he planned to stay, because the response was always the same: \u201cYou can go back anytime you want.\u201d<\/p>\n<p>He didn\u2019t have that much reason to want to go home, anyway. He\u2019d sent Tilly packing, after all; his last real discussion with Audun\u2014before Audun had told him he had no business going with Joe\u2014had been an argument about the trip Audun himself wanted to take, and he knew Audun was still plenty steamed about that. His last big discussion with his father\u2014before the fire\u2014had been an argument, too. In fact, about the only person he hadn\u2019t argued much with lately was Duke, and that was probably just because Duke wasn\u2019t a talker. It made him wonder just how so many other people could be so consistently wrong, because of course <em>he<\/em> wasn\u2019t wrong about anything.<\/p>\n<p><em>All right, maybe I was been wrong about <u>one<\/u> thing.<\/em><\/p>\n<p><strong><em>Late March, 1875<\/em><\/strong><\/p>\n<p>Adam spat a stream of blood on the dirt road and grabbed a mounting rail to pull himself upright. \u201cJoe, we have now been thrown out of every saloon in Virginia City except the Sazerac. Can we please go home now?\u201d<\/p>\n<p>\u201cDamn,\u201d Joe muttered. \u201cI can\u2019t believe I missed one.\u201d He gained his feet unsteadily and wobbled determinedly in the direction of the Sazerac.<\/p>\n<p>Adam sighed and staggered after him.<\/p>\n<p>The day after Alice\u2019s funeral, Joe had gone into town without a word to anyone. Mutton Jim, who\u2019d been there that night, ended up putting his own money up to bail Joe out of jail and bring him home, and Ben had written a few bank drafts that cleared up the situation. From then on one of the hands had gone along with him, but the pattern did not change. Joe had made it a comfortable routine\u2014go into Virginia City, bend an arm with the boys\u2026and then when the whiskey hit, start a fight. Most of the men\u2014even the meanest miners\u2014were trying to avoid trouble with him, some out of consideration for his loss, some out of fear of Ben Cartwright and his many connections, and some out of fear of Adam Cartwright, who owned shares in three prominent silver mines. But Joe didn\u2019t know when to quit. He wanted a fight.<\/p>\n<p>In a way Adam understood. Joe hadn\u2019t been grieving for Alice\u2014it was too soon for that. He was just plain mad, and anger required a release. When you were that mad, just throwing glasses into the fireplace wasn\u2019t enough. You had to beat the hell out of somebody. Problem was, Adam was pretty sure what Joe was really after was picking a fight with God\u2014not that he didn\u2019t understand that too, but God usually wasn\u2019t too obliging.<\/p>\n<p>Then one day Joe didn\u2019t come back at all, and Ben sent Adam looking for him. He found him at the Bucket O\u2019 Blood, tossing back specialty Brown-Forman at an alarming rate\u2014at eleven o\u2019clock in the morning, at that. Nor was he anxious to leave. In fact, when Adam told him he\u2019d been tasked by Pa to take him home, Joe told him in no uncertain terms exactly what he could take, where he could take it, and what he could do when he got there. But since Pa\u2019s directive (funny how, even when a man was 40 years old, his pa could give him a task and make it sound like a papal commission) had been a \u201cwith your shield, or on it\u201d mission, Adam decided to stay in town. Joe would wear himself out soon enough.<\/p>\n<p>Twelve hours later Adam had a few doubts in that direction. They\u2019d been thrown out of the Bucket O\u2019 Blood, the Silver Dollar, the Delta, and even that cheap new place, the Pomeroy. Now they were at the Sazerac, and he was watching Joe lose hand after hand of poker when the low, pleasant voice said, \u201cWell, Mr. Cartwright\u2026it has been a long time.\u201d<\/p>\n<p>He turned, and the woman smiled invitingly. She didn\u2019t look right\u2014she seemed way too uncorrupted to be a saloon girl, with her cherubic expression, innocent blue eyes, and curly dark brown hair. \u201cI\u2019m sorry; I don\u2019t believe I know you,\u201d he said coolly, lying even better than he\u2019d known he could. Oh, he didn\u2019t remember her name. But he remembered\u2026well, he remembered the rest of her just fine. He remembered precious little of that January night in 1869, or the early morning before she\u2019d left him\u2026but what he did remember was burned into his brain as if with a fiery brand.<\/p>\n<p>She dimpled as she smiled again. \u201cNo, I expect not. It\u2019s been\u2026what, five years? Six? I\u2019m the girl back at the Bucket O\u2019 Blood who knew who Persephone was.\u201d<\/p>\n<p>\u201cI don\u2019t know what you mean,\u201d he said uncomfortably, worrying that he was about to find out what she meant. And he was right.<\/p>\n<p>\u201cYou were famous, Adam.\u201d She joined him uninvited, and took a sip of his expensive Bushmill\u2019s right from his own glass. \u201cYou never went upstairs with anybody, or so it was said. But I got you that night. Of course, you married not long after, so I figured it was a last hurrah before you settled down. My name\u2019s Florinda Robinson. Here in Virginia City they call me Flora. Still don\u2019t remember me?\u201d<\/p>\n<p>Oh, he remembered. He just didn\u2019t want to, that was all.<\/p>\n<p><em>L&#8217;audace, l&#8217;audace, toujours l&#8217;audace<\/em>. He grinned. \u201cI don\u2019t know how I could have forgotten, Flora. How have you been?\u201d<\/p>\n<p>\u201cCan\u2019t complain.\u201d<\/p>\n<p>\u201cSo, what can I do for you?\u201d<\/p>\n<p>She traced the moist rim of his glass with a delicate finger, making a low hum emanate, and looked up at him. Funny he\u2019d forgotten how appealing she could look.<\/p>\n<p>\u201cI was wondering more if I could do anything for you?\u201d<\/p>\n<p>He took the shot glass away, noticing how her finger, damp from the whisky, slid along his hand. \u201cGet your own glass,\u201d he said, plunking a coin down. \u201cAnd then we\u2019ll talk.\u201d<\/p>\n<p><strong><em>May, 1875<\/em><\/strong><\/p>\n<p>He wondered if that was what Tilly was referring to when she\u2019d made that crack, during their final argument, about how anxious he was to throw stones. Of course she\u2019d known the first time, but they hadn\u2019t been married then. Did she really know about that last time, too? He wondered what she had heard. The whole story was pretty embarrassing anyway. Adam sighed and looked at the bottle in front of him. Then he pushed it away and glanced over at Joe\u2019s poker game again.<\/p>\n<p>The redhead in Joe\u2019s lap was cheating; she was signaling the pockmarked guy across the table with winks, blinks, and yawns. Joe hadn\u2019t noticed. Adam got up from his drink, made his way to the table, and bent over until his lips were almost touching the girl\u2019s ear. \u201cI could use some company,\u201d he whispered. \u201cThere\u2019s fifty in it for you.\u201d<\/p>\n<p>With that he headed to the stairs. He looked back to find the girl on his heels, and both Joe and the pockmarked guy scowling. He just grinned and headed up.<\/p>\n<p>\u201cCowboy, I have been hopin\u2019 to meet someone like you,\u201d the girl said, taking a key from between her breasts to open the door. He glanced at where her hand went and sighed.<\/p>\n<p>She pulled him into the room, but as her lips sped toward his mouth, he gently took the key out of her hand. Then he pushed her back on the bed. \u201cCan\u2019t you wait for me to undress?\u201d she asked coyly.<\/p>\n<p>\u201cGo ahead,\u201d he replied. And as her dress hit the floor, he said, \u201cIf I catch you cheating my brother out of his money again, I\u2019m going to wring your neck.\u201d<\/p>\n<p>She just stared, nonplused, at him as he turned back to the door.<\/p>\n<p>\u201cHey, what about my fifty?\u201d she demanded.<\/p>\n<p>He grinned and threw two quarters at her, and as her outraged scream split the air, he closed the door and turned the key in the lock. Trotting back downstairs, he dropped the key on Joe\u2019s poker chips. \u201cAll yours if still you want her,\u201d he announced, and went out for a walk.<\/p>\n<p><strong>Chapter 13<\/strong><\/p>\n<p><strong><em>May, 1875<\/em><\/strong><\/p>\n<p>Audun led Buck and Pepper Nell into the barn and unsaddled them, then took them out behind the barn to the long T-shaped pole that served as a cool-down. He tethered a horse to each end of the cross-pole and started them walking in a large circle, leading Buck and occasionally glancing over at Pepper Nell.<\/p>\n<p>Funny that his grandfather had such an aversion to cooling down the horses himself. He sometimes seemed to view the horses as mere transportation. Now that he thought of it, Audun recalled his Uncle Joe once saying Ben Cartwright didn\u2019t think much of animals. Those who served some sort of purpose\u2014food, transport, mouse-catching\u2014he kept, and he took excellent care of them, but he\u2019d heard that his grandfather had never loved a dog until Ceirdwyn came along. Not only that, but stranger still, Joe had said Adam once felt the same way himself. It was Lady who had broken through his defenses and found his heart. That was a good thing, Audun thought, since he didn\u2019t think he and his father would have gotten on so well if they hadn\u2019t liked dogs and horses\u2026and for a moment he allowed himself to wonder what had happened to Lady\u2014why Adam would never talk about it. <em>Pointless<\/em>, he told himself. <em>Lady\u2019s gone. My father is gone. Think about the here and now<\/em>.<\/p>\n<p>Maybe his grandfather liked the horses, but simply thought he was above things like cooling them down now, Audun thought. Maybe he thought that\u2019s what hired hands and horse-loving grandsons were for. No, that couldn\u2019t be it. After all, when he had first come here to live, it was his grandfather who had helped him take care of his six horses, and he had been kind to all of them. So his behavior now must mean he was just concerned about Beth.<\/p>\n<p>After all, Adam had been right about Ben. Audun\u2019s grandfather believed he knew best, and he had no knowledge or desire to be like the Nimiipuu, who were autonomous right down to their souls. But once you accepted that that was simply his way, and learned how to get around it, Ben was an easy man to like, and easier still to admire. In some ways Ben was like Shmoqula, his other grandfather\u2026and Shmoqula had always walked his own horse, and always looked after his own wives. Always, even after he became the shaman of the Otter band of the Nimiipuu.<\/p>\n<p><strong><em>June, 1874<\/em><\/strong><\/p>\n<p>Lady, in the back of the wagon, let out a short, concerned \u201cwoof.\u201d Adam turned and looked at her; she was sitting up, fluffed out half again her normal size, and straining forward, her nose reaching for some scent their eyes could not see. Adam patted her head and tried to make soothing noises, but he was as nervous as she. They had left the narrow dirt road and turned onto a trail, and the wagon was having difficulties, but at least they were within five miles of Dugout. And although they had yet to see any Indians, obviously they were close by. \u201cYou\u2019re absolutely certain they don\u2019t eat dogs,\u201d Adam said, probably for the seventh time since they had set out.<\/p>\n<p>\u201cFather, I swear to you, the Nimiipuu eat neither dogs nor horses. I don\u2019t know where you get this strange idea, but no civilized Indian eats dogs, and they would only eat a horse if they were starving.\u201d<\/p>\n<p>\u201cBut the Sioux, Cheyenne, and Apache all do.\u201d<\/p>\n<p>\u201cHuh. I said <em>civilized<\/em>. Those tribes are all barbaric. You sure don\u2019t know much about Indians, Father.\u201d<\/p>\n<p>\u201cAnd you sure are a know-it-all, son.\u201d<\/p>\n<p>Lady growled.<\/p>\n<p>\u201cDo they know we\u2019re here?\u201d Adam asked quietly, and Audun nodded.<\/p>\n<p>\u201cThey\u2019ve been watching us for a few minutes. Four, maybe five young men. They\u2019ve probably sent for warriors to approach us. Normally the only white men who come in wagons like this are settlers, but we have few possessions, no women, and no farming or mining equipment, so they\u2019re puzzled.\u201d<\/p>\n<p>\u201cBut wouldn\u2019t they recognize you?\u201d<\/p>\n<p>Audun snorted. \u201cWith my hair cut? Wearing these clothes and this hat? Father, all Soyapo look alike.\u201d<\/p>\n<p>His father gave him an odd little smirk, and Audun wondered what it meant.<\/p>\n<p>\u201cAny chance they\u2019ll attack?\u201d Adam asked.<\/p>\n<p>\u201cNo. They still remember their promise to that Clark fellow. He and the other fellow Lewis, they promised the Nimiipuu that the Soyapo would always be their friends. Most of the Nimiipuu still believe it, although Timothy says they\u2019re\u2026I think the English word is na\u00efve. Like babies.\u201d<\/p>\n<p>At that point, eight mounted Indians sprang out of the woods and surrounded the wagon. Audun shouted \u201c<em>Ohchorhynchus Kisutch<\/em>!\u201d and one of the horses moved forward, its rider gawking at Audun.<\/p>\n<p><em>\u201cHinmimipelikt?<\/em>\u201d the man said. Audun jumped off the wagon, tearing off his hat as he did so, and the Indian slid off his horse.<\/p>\n<p>Timothy Silver Salmon grabbed him by the shoulders. \u201cYou came! I thought the Soyapo would never let you leave\u2026\u201d He turned Audun\u2019s face one way and another, and grunted. \u201cHuh. You look like them. Smell like them, too. Ah, I guess it doesn\u2019t matter. Even the People are eating cattle now.\u201d<\/p>\n<p>Audun inwardly thanked the Creator that Adam only knew a few words of Nimiipuutimpt. Outwardly, he smiled at his other father. \u201cBut you will love me anyway, won\u2019t you, my father Silver Salmon?\u201d<\/p>\n<p>\u201cIf I must.\u201d He grinned. \u201cYou brought one of them with you, but not one of the ones who came before. Who is he?\u201d<\/p>\n<p>\u201cTake a good look at him,\u201d Audun said.<\/p>\n<p>Timothy looked up. Adam was still sitting stiffly in the wagon, looking at him with a tentative gaze neither friendly nor threatening, though one hand was precariously close to the gun on his hip. \u201cHe must be another\u2026Cawwot.\u201d<\/p>\n<p>\u201cHe\u2019s my father. Adam Cartwright. Don\u2019t you think we look alike?\u201d<\/p>\n<p>Timothy looked back at him, and sniffed. \u201cAmong the Nimiipuu, a man dies and stays dead. These Soyapo can\u2019t make up their minds. First that fellow who said he was the Creator\u2019s son, and now Cawwot. Is he why you didn\u2019t return before?\u201d<\/p>\n<p>\u201cHe was never dead\u2014the others had put him on an island in the Big Water, and refused to let him go. He came as soon as he could and\u2026Silver Salmon, it would make my heart sing if you and he were friends.\u201d<\/p>\n<p>Timothy laughed shortly. \u201cYou don\u2019t ask much, son. I don\u2019t remember their tongue\u2014nor do I want to. Me, friends with a Soyapo?\u201d He looked closely at Audun. \u201cWell, I will try. Does he treat you properly?\u201d<\/p>\n<p>\u201cHe\u2019s a good man. He insisted we leave the very next morning when he learned about Shmoqula. Is my grandfather waiting for me?\u201d<\/p>\n<p>\u201cHe is. He was convinced you were coming, too. Get back on that thing and we\u2019ll take you to the village.\u201d Timothy chuckled. \u201cThe Old Man in the Stars is in a funny mood, Little Thunder\u2014he may even make Shmoqula well at this pass.\u201d He looked up at Adam again, gave an exaggerated soldierly salute, then jumped back on his horse.<\/p>\n<p>\u201cI guess that\u2019s Timothy,\u201d his father said as Audun climbed back into the wagon.<\/p>\n<p>\u201cYes,\u201d Audun agreed, unable to stop grinning.<\/p>\n<p>\u201cNot very friendly,\u201d Adam commented.<\/p>\n<p>\u201cYou weren\u2019t, either,\u201d Audun replied. \u201cBut he promised to be your friend. It would make me happy if you would do the same, Father. I\u2019ll introduce you properly when we get to the village.\u201d<\/p>\n<p style=\"text-align: center;\">**<\/p>\n<p>Of course, when they arrived in the village, despite Audun\u2019s good intentions, Timothy and Adam\u2019s introduction had been a bit abbreviated. \u201c<em>Ohchorhynchus Kisutch<\/em>\u2014my father, Adam Cartwright. Take me to Shmoqula now. What if he doesn\u2019t know me?\u201d<\/p>\n<p>\u201cHe\u2019ll know you\u2014after he gets over having to smell you. Come. The Soyapo can come too, Little Thunder\u2014I\u2019m sure Shmoqula will want to know how it happened that someone who\u2019s \u2018dead\u2019 under white law can magically come back a couple of years later.\u201d He laughed and pushed both Audun and Adam through the flap door of the hide-covered lodge.<\/p>\n<p>His grandfather was propped up by a variety of rolled-up hides, and drinking tea\u2014which he set on the ground when he saw the new arrivals. \u201cCome here, Little Thunder.\u201d His voice was steady, if a little weak.<\/p>\n<p>Audun restrained himself from jumping at his grandfather, walking forward to kneel beside him and take his hand. \u201cYou sound good, Pil\u00e1c. When I heard from Silver Salmon, I thought you would be wheezing and sick.\u201d<\/p>\n<p>\u201cLast night I dreamed you were here, and I knew you were coming,\u201d Shmoqula said with a smile. \u201cI knew I had to get better to talk to you. Couldn\u2019t let you travel so far and then let you do all the talking. You\u2019ve grown taller\u2014Owd\u2019nCawwot.\u201d<\/p>\n<p>\u201cIt\u2019s been nearly two years, Pil\u00e1c.\u201d<\/p>\n<p>\u201cYou found your father.\u201d<\/p>\n<p>\u201cWe found each other.\u201d<\/p>\n<p>\u201cBring him to me. We should meet. Silver Salmon, too.\u201d<\/p>\n<p>Audun turned, and noticed for the first time how awkward Adam looked, standing in the lodge entranceway as if afraid to come inside, holding his hat in his hands, with Lady\u2014who had refused to stay outside\u2014pressed against his leg. \u201cFather, come\u2014you must meet Shmoqula.\u201d<\/p>\n<p><strong>Chapter 14<\/strong><\/p>\n<p><strong><em>May, 1875<\/em><\/strong><\/p>\n<p>Keeping one attentive eye on Joe and one suspicious eye on the attractive blonde who was inching closer to Joe every moment, Adam tried not to let his mind wander, but it wasn\u2019t working. Joe was a grown man, and he knew what he wanted. At the moment he wanted only to win a poker game, and if he wanted more than that from the blonde, Adam\u2019s only function there was to take Joe\u2019s money from him before he went anywhere. After all, he\u2019d already had to save Joe from that obvious redhead once, and though the blonde was more subtle, this place had a reputation for guys going upstairs with lots of money and coming downstairs broke and with a headache.<\/p>\n<p>A headache\u2026Lord, didn\u2019t he have plenty of experience with those. Even when he\u2019d been innocent\u2026.<\/p>\n<p><strong><em>July, 1874<\/em><\/strong><\/p>\n<p>\u201cYou\u2026not so bad for a\u2026Nincompoop\u2026Salmon,\u201d Adam said slowly, a huge grin spread across his face. His Nimiipuutimpt was pretty slipshod, but Timothy didn\u2019t seem to mind.<\/p>\n<p>Timothy, looking equally silly, took his pipe back and clapped Adam on the shoulder. \u201cIt\u2019s <em>Nimiipuu<\/em>. And you\u2019re not so bad for a Soyapo, Ad\u2019mCawwot. I am going now. When Little Thunder comes back from Shmoqula\u2019s lodge, you tell him I was your friend today. We smoked the pipe together as friends, right?\u201d And then in English, he said, \u201cOkay?\u201d<\/p>\n<p>\u201cOkay,\u201d Adam said. He had no idea what his Indian friend had just said, but it didn\u2019t seem to matter since he was leaving anyway, and Adam felt like eating an entire buffalo and taking a lengthy nap.<\/p>\n<p style=\"text-align: center;\">**<\/p>\n<p>Adam groaned and put his head in his hands. \u201cWhat was in that pipe, anyway? There\u2019s a stampede between my ears.\u201d<\/p>\n<p>Audun held out his canteen. \u201cIt was only a pipe of friendship, Father.\u201d<\/p>\n<p>Privately, Adam wondered just how serious Timothy Silver Salmon was about this friendship business. He\u2019d have sworn\u2014now\u2014that there had been a mischievous glint in the man\u2019s eye as he\u2019d handed over the pipe to the \u201cSoyapo father.\u201d<\/p>\n<p>\u201cDrink,\u201d Auden commanded. \u201cYou just need water. You said you had smoked before.\u201d<\/p>\n<p>\u201cMy father\u2019s pipe, yes, when I was younger. And I tried some Egyptian and Turkish cigarettes in Paris, but they weren\u2019t like this.\u201d<\/p>\n<p>\u201cI don\u2019t know what the Egyptians and Turkish people put in tobacco, but the Nimiipuu only use stronger stuff if they want to encourage a vision\u2014and no outsiders are allowed in those ceremonies.\u201d Audun smiled lopsidedly. \u201cNo children, either. Just like now. <em>Tran\u00e1ni! <\/em>I should be smoking the pipe too. I\u2019m old enough.\u201d<\/p>\n<p>\u201cYou\u2019re eleven. At eleven you\u2019re only old enough to smoke rabbit tobacco out behind the barn\u2014and you\u2019d still get a thrashing for it.\u201d<\/p>\n<p>Audun looked at him almost pityingly. \u201cFather, among the Nimiipuu, I\u2019m almost old enough to be married. Do you know Chief Hinmahtooyahlatkekt took his first wife when he was fourteen?\u201d<\/p>\n<p>\u201cI don\u2019t care if Chief Hindermost jumped off a cliff when he was ten. Doesn\u2019t mean I\u2019m going to let you do it, Audun. I respect their ways, but I\u2019d like my son to follow my ways.\u201d<\/p>\n<p>\u201cBut Father, this is how I was raised. I learned their ways before I ever learned yours\u2014and I like their ways. I made my first kill before my mother died\u2014a deer, a fine one. I gave the hide to old Alpatokate. The thing that keeps me from being a man is not age. Shmoqula said he knew as soon as he saw me that I had not found my w\u00e1yakin yet. Until that happens, I am not a man. I could see a thousand summers and still be a child.\u201d<\/p>\n<p>This sounded important, Adam thought groggily. \u201cOkay, explain to me what makes you a man in the Nimiipuu world. Aside from making your first kill.\u201d<\/p>\n<p>\u201cMaking the first kill is important,\u201d Audun agreed. \u201cBut you have to find your w\u00e1yakin to be grown up. Those who go and don\u2019t find one will be the do-nothings in life. But if you don\u2019t at least look, you\u2019re not an adult at all.\u201d<\/p>\n<p>\u201cIt would help if I had some idea what a w\u00e1yakin was,\u201d Adam said, rubbing his head. <em>Of all times, the kid had to pick now, when my head is seceding from the rest of me, to be mysterious.<\/em><\/p>\n<p>\u201cIt\u2019s a guiding spirit,\u201d Audun replied. \u201cUsually it\u2019s an animal, but some people have spirits from the earth\u2014like mountains\u2014and some have spirits from the weather, like wind. The chief I told you about before, Hinmahtooyahlatkekt, his w\u00e1yakin is thunder.\u201d<\/p>\n<p>\u201cThis is\u2026this is the thing you were arguing with the preacher about, isn\u2019t it?\u201d<\/p>\n<p>\u201cYes\u2014and my other grandfather too. Your father said the Bible doesn\u2019t talk about guiding spirits in animals. He was wrong, but if I told him that he\u2019d be angry.\u201d<\/p>\n<p>\u201cWhere does the Bible talk about guiding spirits in animals, and how do you know?\u201d<\/p>\n<p>\u201cMy mother made me read the Bible every night, Father. What you call King James English is the first English I learned to read. Don\u2019t you remember the story of Balaam, the prophet who tried to curse the Israelites? The Creator\u2014God\u2014told him not to, but he didn\u2019t listen. So then God told Balaam\u2019s w\u00e1yakin to talk to him. The story is in the book of Numbers, Chapter 22.\u201d<\/p>\n<p>Adam glared at him. \u201cYou\u2019re telling me that the story of Balaam and his donkey is proof of w\u00e1yakins?\u201d<\/p>\n<p>\u201cSure. Father, a w\u00e1yakin is just a guiding spirit the Creator assigns to protect us. Didn\u2019t the donkey protect Balaam from the angel who would have killed him? I\u2019ll tell you another,\u201d he went on enthusiastically. \u201cRemember Jonah? His w\u00e1yakin was a fish. He protected Jonah from the sailors who wanted to kill him, and he made sure Jonah went to the place the Creator wanted him to go instead of trying to run away again. In the second book of Kings, the prophet Elijah was taken to the stars by his w\u00e1yakin, the whirlwind. And in the Psalms\u2014\u201d<\/p>\n<p>\u201cMy head\u2019s throbbing, Audun!\u201d Adam moaned. \u201cI can\u2019t argue philosophy with you right now. Let\u2019s agree that w\u00e1yakins are important, and if it means so much to you to find yours, then I\u2019ll take you to look for it very soon. Right now I have to lie down.\u201d<\/p>\n<p>\u201cBut you can\u2019t take me to look for it,\u201d Audun protested. \u201cI have to go alone.\u201d<\/p>\n<p>That was the last thing Adam remembered hearing, and God knew he\u2019d have occasion later to wish he\u2019d listened closer. But Timothy\u2019s tobacco\u2014old Alpatokate told him later Timothy had gotten it from the Apaches, who got it from the Mexicans, who made it from red hemp\u2014left him with an enormous headache and very little memory.<\/p>\n<p><strong>Chapter 15<\/strong><\/p>\n<p><strong><em>May, 1875<\/em><\/strong><\/p>\n<p>\u201cForever,\u201d Joe murmured, enfolding Alice in his arms.<\/p>\n<p>\u201cForever,\u201d she echoed contentedly as he played with her hair.<\/p>\n<p>He smiled, his eyes shut, his fingers running through her fine, soft waves.<\/p>\n<p>How much time passed? A minute or an hour? He wasn\u2019t sure\u2026he only knew the sun was coming up because he felt its warmth through his closed eyes. Soon he\u2019d have to leave for\u2026where was he going this time? No matter; he\u2019d think of that later. But for now\u2026now, he was with Alice, and they had all the time in the world. \u201cHey, sweetie,\u201d he whispered. \u201cYou could make me a very happy man right now if\u2026\u201d<\/p>\n<p>\u201cYou want it French-style again?\u201d said a nasal voice, and his eyes opened wide in shock. There was the little redhead who was so clumsy at poker signals, her rouge a smear and her eyelashes two black crescent-rolls of caked mascara.<\/p>\n<p>\u201cWhat are you doing here?\u201d He pushed her away in disgust.<\/p>\n<p>\u201cYou wasn\u2019t asking me that when we come in a couple hours ago, cowboy,\u201d she said, making a feeble attempt to straighten her hair.<\/p>\n<p>\u201cGet out.\u201d His voice was hoarse with rage and revulsion.<\/p>\n<p>\u201cYou sure? You paid for\u2014\u201d<\/p>\n<p>\u201cGet out!\u201d<\/p>\n<p>She got up, pulled her dress on, and left the room, spitting on the floor as she went, and he shut his eyes again and wondered why he couldn\u2019t just die.<\/p>\n<p>\u201cForever,\u201d he whispered. \u201cI promised you forever\u2026oh, God, Alice, what happened? You promised back. I didn\u2019t leave you\u2026you left me. Why?\u201d<\/p>\n<p><em>\u201cSorry,\u201d<\/em> came the well-remembered voice. <em>\u201cI had a pressing engagement. I had to burn to death in that cheap, shoddy little house you built me.\u201d<\/em><\/p>\n<p>He opened his eyes. The room was empty, of course, and Alice would never have said such a thing anyway.<\/p>\n<p>He squeezed his eyes shut as the sun rose.<\/p>\n<p><strong><em>November, 1874<\/em><\/strong><\/p>\n<p>\u201cYou\u2019re packed already,\u201d Alice said, her voice cool.<\/p>\n<p>\u201cYes\u2026\u201d his voice trailed off as he realized he had not prepared a good speech. \u201cAlice\u2026I\u2019m sorry, I just\u2026Pa and I talked, and he\u2019d really like to get this contract underway. I promise, I\u2019ll only be gone a week this time.\u201d<\/p>\n<p>\u201cIt doesn\u2019t matter. Go ahead and go\u2026again. Bruce and Bonnie make great company, and Adam and Hoss come by all the time. Don\u2019t think I\u2019m lonely, Joe. I\u2019m not lonely.\u201d<\/p>\n<p>\u201cI\u2019ll be back quick as I can.\u201d He shut the door behind him, but stood for a moment with his hand on the knob. Long enough to hear her say \u201cForever\u201d to the empty room.<\/p>\n<p><strong>Chapter 16<\/strong><\/p>\n<p><strong><em>May, 1875<\/em><\/strong><\/p>\n<p>\u201cCelare. Celo, celas, celat\u2026\u201d<\/p>\n<p>\u201cYou\u2019re going right down the line,\u201d Tilly said with a shake of her head. \u201cWhat fun is that? Give me third person pluperfect plural.\u201d<\/p>\n<p>\u201cUm\u2026celaverant.\u201d<\/p>\n<p>\u201cGood. How about first person, imperfect, subjunctive?\u201d<\/p>\n<p>Long pause. \u201cCelarem?\u201d<\/p>\n<p>\u201cThere you go. Loosen up your brain, Audun. Life is not lived in a matrix.\u201d<\/p>\n<p>\u201cWhat does that mean?\u201d<\/p>\n<p>\u201cIt means in real life there are no verb conjugation tables. You have to think on your feet.\u201d<\/p>\n<p>Audun considered this for a minute. \u201cBut no one speaks this language anyway. I only want to learn it because Soyapo doctors use it to name their medicines and anatomy charts.\u201d<\/p>\n<p>\u201cSure, but before you get that medical degree, you\u2019ll have to learn a lot of things that aren\u2019t related to it. First you generalize, then you specialize.\u201d<\/p>\n<p>Audun thought some more, and then closed the book with a snap. \u201cTilly\u2026do you think I am an adult?\u201d<\/p>\n<p>\u201cWhat does that have to do with conjugating Latin?\u201d<\/p>\n<p>The reproachful look brought back painful memories of the looks Adam had given her the last few weeks. But he simply said, \u201cYou promised you would always answer my questions.\u201d<\/p>\n<p>Tilly sighed. \u201cI think,\u201d she said carefully, \u201cthat you are very mature. In fact, you\u2019re probably the most mature twelve-year-old I\u2019ve ever known. You\u2019re also about the brightest youngster I\u2019ve ever met. Your father and I had an English friend we met in France who was smart like you, and not much older\u2014\u201d<\/p>\n<p>\u201cI see no reason to deny that I am a fast learner. But a youngster is a child.\u201d<\/p>\n<p>\u201cWell\u2026Audun, it\u2019s complicated. The law says you\u2019re not a grown man in this state until you\u2019re 18. That\u2019s not a bad deal, really\u2014that English boy I mentioned had to wait until he was 21.\u201d<\/p>\n<p>\u201cThat makes no sense. If you are grown, you\u2019re grown. The laws of this state are silly. But it\u2019s worse, because among the Nimiipuu, I should be a man already\u2014and I\u2019m not.\u201d<\/p>\n<p>Tilly recalled some of the things she\u2019d heard and other things Adam had told her, and suddenly she realized what had sparked that bitter argument between Adam and Audun. A lopsided smile came to her as she put it together with the argument Adam had had with Ben just before that.<\/p>\n<p>\u201cLike father, like son,\u201d she sighed.<\/p>\n<p><strong><em>December, 1874<\/em><\/strong><\/p>\n<p>\u201cPa, I\u2019ve been living here for a year. I don\u2019t understand why you\u2019re so dead-set against Tilly and me having our own home. Hoss and Veralyn had one\u2014\u201d<\/p>\n<p>\u201cYes, but Hoss is back here now\u2014and if you and Tilly leave, what will you do about Rob?\u201d<\/p>\n<p>Adam gazed back, his arms crossed. \u201cThe boy is six months old; he can learn to drink cow or goat milk, and Hoss can try being a father for a change. Look, I\u2019m not trying to be difficult. But living here, I feel like I\u2019m a child again, asking permission for every move I make. I\u2019m 40 years old; that\u2019s just not right.\u201d<\/p>\n<p>\u201cAdam, I\u2019ve made every attempt I could to see that you felt like you were the head of your own family here. I don\u2019t interfere with your decisions about Audun; I let you work all the schedules out for the ranch work, and you\u2019re even handling the ledgers again as well as working in town at your own business. As far as I\u2019m concerned, you are an independent agent. But\u2026\u201d Ben coughed delicately. \u201cWe both know\u2014we <em>all<\/em> know\u2014that you\u2019re not completely healthy. You still have difficulty with your fingers; you still wake up screaming a couple of nights a month\u2026you still have moments when you just drift away while you\u2019re sitting with the rest of us. As long as you\u2019re here, if something overwhelms you, Hoss and I can help. If you move into that house you\u2019re building, you\u2019ll be an hour\u2019s ride from here OR town. What if you wake up again thinking whatever it is you think when you\u2019re like that\u2014and there\u2019s nobody but Tilly and Audun? Be honest with yourself\u2026you could hurt someone.\u201d<\/p>\n<p>He didn\u2019t say \u201cagain\u201d\u2014he didn\u2019t have to. By then Adam had figured out that he\u2019d given Tilly the black eye right after their arrival, and that he was to account for the bruise marks on Joe\u2019s throat two months after. Adam swallowed. \u201cI haven\u2019t gotten violent in nearly a year, Pa.\u201d<\/p>\n<p>\u201cBut you could.\u201d<\/p>\n<p>Long silence, finally broken by Ben in a desperate plea. \u201cAdam, you are a grown man. Adulthood isn\u2019t dependent on where you live. You\u2019re just as much a man as\u2014\u201d<\/p>\n<p>\u201cPa, Tilly and Audun are willing to take their chances with me. I think it\u2019s really between us. This isn\u2019t something you have a part in.\u201d<\/p>\n<p><em>Two days later:<\/em><\/p>\n<p>\u201cAudun, I already said I\u2019m willing to let you go. I just want to go along.\u201d<\/p>\n<p>\u201cNo self-respecting w\u00e1yakin will come if you are hovering nearby. I have to do this alone.\u201d<\/p>\n<p>\u201cYou will do it alone. But\u2014\u201d<\/p>\n<p>\u201cI won\u2019t be alone if you are there! Father, if this was a camping trip you wouldn\u2019t mind.\u201d<\/p>\n<p>\u201cIf it was a camping trip I\u2019d know you had food, water, and blankets\u2014and a horse. As it was explained to me, for a w\u00e1yakin quest you have to walk into some high, lonely place, with no food or water\u2014and then you spend four or five days piling up rocks and waiting to have a vision. <em>Of course<\/em> you\u2019ll be hallucinating after that; anyone would. If you want to subject yourself to that, I think it\u2019s crazy, but out of respect for your devotion to the Nimiipuu, I\u2019ll let you do it. I just want to be within earshot. Think about it: if you\u2019re attacked by a wildcat, you won\u2019t even have a weapon to protect yourself.\u201d<\/p>\n<p>\u201cIf I carry food and weapons and have my father nearby, I\u2019m only proving that I\u2019m not ready to be a man. You were there, Father. You met them. For three months we traveled with them, ate camas with them; you even learned much of the language. Even though you were an outsider, they explained to you how important it is to me. I will never be a man without it, whatever the state of Nevada says. I should have done this thing a year or two ago already\u2014some boys do it at age nine. I\u2019ve just turned twelve. I\u2019m <em>old<\/em> not to have a w\u00e1yakin. The reasons I postponed it so long were good ones, but I can delay no longer\u2014I would be shamed.\u201d<\/p>\n<p>\u201cSon\u2026if you\u2019re going to live in the white world, why does it matter?\u201d<\/p>\n<p>\u201cIt matters! <em>Tran\u00e1ni<\/em>! If you don\u2019t understand that, you never will understand me!\u201d<\/p>\n<p><strong><em>May, 1875<\/em><\/strong><\/p>\n<p>\u201cThis has to do with your w\u00e1yakin quest,\u201d she said soberly.<\/p>\n<p>\u201cI never said that, Tilly.\u201d<\/p>\n<p>\u201cNo\u2026I believe the Latin would be \u2018celas.\u2019 You\u2019re concealing what you want, in order to get me to ignorantly agree.\u201d<\/p>\n<p>Audun grimaced and looked down. \u201cMy father is gone. My grandfather is in town. All you have to do is keep silent when I leave. Uncle Hoss won\u2019t miss me\u2014not at first. I just need a few hours\u2019 head start.\u201d<\/p>\n<p>Tilly considered this. \u201cLook\u2026I\u2019m going to be baking tomorrow. I\u2019ll be in and out of the kitchen. I can\u2019t keep an eye on you <em>and<\/em> the babies during that time. If you go for a ride, it could be hours before I notice you\u2019re gone.\u201d<\/p>\n<p>\u201cIt could,\u201d Audun agreed soberly.<\/p>\n<p>\u201cBut\u2026\u201d Tilly said slowly, \u201cIf you were to somehow end up without your horse, I expect your horse would probably come back here. If he does, the only way I\u2019ll know you got off on purpose and didn\u2019t fall off would be if you drew a map, maybe, or put a note on him, telling me the general area where you went. I wouldn\u2019t be able to follow you since I have to watch the babies, and I\u2019d probably forget to show the map to your Uncle Hoss\u2014but if you aren\u2019t back by the weekend, we must know where to begin the search.\u201d<\/p>\n<p>Audun smiled. \u201cWhy did my father never think of this? He\u2019s supposed to be smart.\u201d<\/p>\n<p>\u201cHe is\u2014but let\u2019s face it, he also likes to protect the people he loves. With you, he has a lot of lost time to make up, so he may be overdoing it.\u201d<\/p>\n<p>\u201cDo you not feel the same urge to protect?\u201d His smoky gray eyes were fixed on her face.<\/p>\n<p>\u201cI do\u2026but then, I\u2019m also trying to win you over. You know what that means?\u201d<\/p>\n<p>A short chuckle. \u201cIt means if I\u2019d known that before, I could have gotten into lots of trouble?\u201d<\/p>\n<p>\u201cProbably.\u201d<\/p>\n<p>\u201cBut Tilly\u2026\u201d he looked down at the floor for a moment, and back up at her. \u201cI think sometimes my father tries too hard to protect you. And don\u2019t you try too hard to protect my father?\u201d<\/p>\n<p>She shrugged, and the humor went out of her voice when she replied, \u201c<em>I<\/em> don\u2019t think so.\u201d<\/p>\n<p>Audun made a chuffing noise. \u201cSoyapo are funny people.\u201d<\/p>\n<p><strong>Chapter 17<\/strong><\/p>\n<p><strong><em>May, 1875<\/em><\/strong><\/p>\n<p><strong>\u00a0<\/strong>Hop Sing was playing with the little ones, and Tilly was taking bread out of the oven. She had a grim sense of pride in her ability to do this, because the odor of baking bread was the last normal scent she had been aware of that awful day a year ago. It had taken months to be able to tolerate the smell, let alone consider baking it herself. This was her first attempt, and by God, she was not going to throw up. And she would not remember that other day. She would not\u2026she would not\u2026<\/p>\n<p><strong><em>May, 1874<\/em><\/strong><\/p>\n<p>It had been just like any other day; Hop Sing was baking, and she, Veralyn and Alice were sitting together doing their mending and discussing their families the way they did each Thursday. Although by that time Hoss and Veralyn had moved back to their own home and Joe and Alice had gone back to theirs, the three women had hit it off so well they often looked for any excuse to get together. Monday they met at Hoss\u2019s house to do their washing together, since Hoss lived closest to the creek; Thursday they did mending at the Ponderosa; Saturday of course was still the \u201cofficial\u201d family day, and Sunday they saw each other at church. Now they were making plans to start a quilt together, using Joe\u2019s house as the base of operations.<\/p>\n<p>Tilly had only ever had one close female friend in her life before Alice and Veralyn, and that had been her cousin Charlotte, who\u2014if she was even alive\u2014was about as likely to move west as President Grant was to go to Heaven. So she now reveled in having two female friends who were just as mischievous as she was, even if they hid it better. Alice and Veralyn also enjoyed reading, and though neither would have admitted it, it was kind of lonesome not being able to discuss books with their decidedly un-literary husbands. Alice hated dime novels and liked Jane Austen and the Brontes; Veralyn\u2019s guilty passion was a unique combination: the poetry of Robert Burns and biographies of military heroes. She seemed to know everything there was to know about Horatio Nelson and even more about Napoleon.<\/p>\n<p>\u201cMy father loved reading military books,\u201d she confessed to Tilly with a smile. \u201cHe didn\u2019t mind my reading Burns, but he seemed to think military histories were inappropriate for me\u2014which of course only made me more determined to read the things. I did it in secret until I was 19, and then I found out he had known all along and left the books out for me.\u201d<\/p>\n<p>\u201cI think I\u2019d like him,\u201d Tilly chuckled.<\/p>\n<p>\u201cYou would\u2019ve,\u201d Veralyn said. \u201cHe died last summer, though. Funny, Hoss was always scared of him. It was only fair, I would tell him, because Hoss\u2019s father scared the stuffing out of me. When I heard the stories about you and\u2026\u201d she blushed. \u201cSorry, I hope that\u2019s not a sore spot.\u201d<\/p>\n<p>\u201cNot to me,\u201d Tilly replied. \u201cI can\u2019t vouch for Ben, though.\u201d<\/p>\n<p>And all three women giggled.<\/p>\n<p>\u201cIf it\u2019s a boy,\u201d Veralyn said with a thoughtful hand on her belly, \u201cHoss wants to name him Robert Benjamin. I\u2019ve got my heart set on a girl, though. Lydia Phoebe.\u201d<\/p>\n<p>\u201cIf it\u2019s a boy I\u2019ll claim him for Joe,\u201d Alice told her. \u201cJoe\u2019s already demanding another one, and with Bonnie not even six months old yet! I told him we needed to wait, but he doesn\u2019t want to.\u201d She sighed, grinning. \u201cHe doesn\u2019t like to wait for <em>anything<\/em>.\u201d<\/p>\n<p>They all chuckled. \u201cThat sounds like Joe,\u201d Tilly and Veralyn agreed.<\/p>\n<p>\u201cSorry,\u201d Veralyn told Alice, one hand on her knee. \u201cYou\u2019ll have to do your own work if you want the payoff.\u201d<\/p>\n<p>\u201cI figured. Just thought I\u2019d ask,\u201d Alice shrugged, smiling.<\/p>\n<p>\u201cI wonder what my toes look like,\u201d said Veralyn.<\/p>\n<p>\u201cMe too,\u201d sighed Tilly.<\/p>\n<p>\u201cOh, you wonder what my toes look like?\u201d<\/p>\n<p>Audun had disappeared, claiming a need to study, almost as soon as the two women had arrived. Now he peeked out to ensure they weren\u2019t paying him any attention, and sneaked into the kitchen for a glass of buttermilk. Veralyn, in a dramatic voice, spoke up. \u201cWhy do you suppose Audun sneaks off every time Alice and I come over?\u201d she asked, Adah Mencken fashion. \u201cDo you suppose he doesn\u2019t like us?\u201d<\/p>\n<p>Alice smiled. \u201cMaybe he\u2019s like other men and thinks women are foolish.\u201d<\/p>\n<p>\u201cNo,\u201d Audun announced, coming back in. \u201cI only think you talk too much.\u201d<\/p>\n<p>\u201cThanks a lot,\u201d Tilly drawled. \u201cI\u2019ll remember that next week when we start doing quadratic equations and you want me to explain the formula.\u201d<\/p>\n<p>\u201cYou\u2019re lucky none of the menfolk are here,\u201d Veralyn said with a wink at him. \u201cEven Hoss would give you a tanning for that kind of talk.\u201d<\/p>\n<p>\u201cBut you asked!\u201d Audun protested. \u201cWhy ask if you don\u2019t want to know?\u201d<\/p>\n<p>Tilly shook her head. \u201cMen will never understand us, just as we\u2019ll never understand them.\u201d<\/p>\n<p>Audun sighed and returned to the guest room, muttering something about how he could no longer neglect Thermopylae.<\/p>\n<p>\u201cI\u2019m so big my belly walks into a room five minutes before I get there,\u201d Veralyn giggled.<\/p>\n<p>\u201cWhat are you complaining for?\u201d Alice said with a grin. \u201cBefore Bonnie was born I could barely walk at all.\u201d<\/p>\n<p>\u201cAh, the veteran mother is going to tell us how to do it,\u201d Veralyn said, her eyes twinkling.<\/p>\n<p>\u201cYou can scoff.\u201d Tilly smiled thoughtfully. \u201cBut Alice has, after all, done what neither of us could\u2014so far\u2014do.\u201d<\/p>\n<p>\u201cWell, I\u2019ve never tried before, Tilly,\u201d Veralyn pointed out. \u201cHave you?\u201d<\/p>\n<p>\u201cThis will be my fourth \u2018try,\u2019\u201d Tilly replied, and the other two women sobered. \u201cThis is the farthest I\u2019ve gotten\u2026maybe everything will be all right now.\u201d<\/p>\n<p>That was when Veralyn had mentioned something about bleeding. Suddenly Audun was among them, looking worried and intently questioning Veralyn; a minute after that, with the odor of fresh-baked bread permeating the house, the world turned upside down.<\/p>\n<p>Tilly, two weeks from her due date, went into hard labor as soon as her water broke. Veralyn, painfully climbing the stairs, began to bleed heavily. Even if the women had changed their minds and wanted to have Audun attend them it was too late; he was already gone. Alice came back to help Tilly, who seemed the least problematic of the two, and Hop Sing, who had marginally more experience, having delivered babies for two of his own countrywomen in recent years, stayed with Veralyn. Tilly\u2019s cries were soon splitting the house, but Veralyn was getting ominously quieter.<\/p>\n<p>By the time Dr. Martin and Kam Lee arrived\u2014with Adam, who\u2019d been at work in Virginia City, close behind them, most of it was over. Tilly was holding her baby, a perfect little girl with curly black hair\u2026and a bluish tinge.<\/p>\n<p>\u201cShe never even drew a breath,\u201d Alice told them in a hushed, shaking voice. \u201cI tried everything I could think of, Adam\u2026she just wouldn\u2019t breathe.\u201d<\/p>\n<p>Adam swallowed and approached Tilly. \u201cI\u2019m sorry, <em>acushla<\/em>,\u201d he whispered as he knelt by the bed. \u201cI\u2019m so sorry.\u201d He reached out to take the baby from her, but Tilly shook her head.<\/p>\n<p>\u201cNot yet, Adam,\u201d she said quietly. Her eyes were dry. \u201cPlease, Adam\u2014not just yet. I\u2019ll have the rest of my life <em>not<\/em> to hold her. A little longer now won\u2019t hurt.\u201d<\/p>\n<p><strong>Chapter 18<\/strong><\/p>\n<p><strong><em>May, 1875<\/em><\/strong><\/p>\n<p><strong>\u00a0<\/strong>Hoss Cartwright rode slowly in from the logging camp, tired and sore all over. Seemed he got tired easier these days. Well, he knew why, even if nobody else did.<\/p>\n<p>\u201cWe\u2019re gettin\u2019 old, huh boy?\u201d he said conversationally as he pulled off Chubb\u2019s saddle and began to rub him down. \u201cTime was I\u2019d have somebody to rub me down, too. I\u2019ll tellya, Chubb, if Veralyn ever squeezed your withers the way she\u2019d squeeze my neck and shoulders, you\u2019d be able to put your nose through your front legs and grab your tail. That\u2019s how relaxing it was. But that\u2019s okay. She\u2019s lookin\u2019 down right now and squeezin\u2019 my shoulders from up yonder. I know she is. She just has a little further to reach these days, that\u2019s all.\u201d<\/p>\n<p>He swallowed, and grabbed a hoof pick. \u201cGimme yer foot. She was scared of you, y\u2019know\u2026didn\u2019t like horses much, not to ride, anyhow. Liked dogs, though.\u201d<\/p>\n<p>He smiled and looked down at Gumbo, his black and tan collie. \u201cYou remember, don\u2019t you? Remember when you and me sat up all night with her, the night before we buried her? And remember how you and me and Honey went all the way up to the lake to dig the grave the next mornin\u2019\u2026She liked it up there. It\u2019s by water, like that poem she used to like\u2026\u201d He sniffed. He\u2019d never visited her grave since the day he\u2019d buried her\u2014he knew where she really was, and it wasn\u2019t a hole in the ground near a lake.<\/p>\n<p>He\u2019d started keeping a journal two years earlier\u2026maybe he would read about her tonight\u2026.<\/p>\n<p><strong><em>May, 1874<\/em><\/strong><\/p>\n<p>Hoss and Joe were out at the logging camp when Audun galloped in, his horse covered in foam. \u201cSomethin\u2019 must be up,\u201d Joe said. \u201cThat pony\u2019s been ridden half to death.\u201d<\/p>\n<p>\u201cVeralyn\u2019s in labor,\u201d Audun announced, throwing himself down. \u201cI\u2019ve been to town for the doctor already; he should be there by now. You\u2019d better get back to the ranch, Uncle Hoss\u2014and hurry. I\u2019ll walk my horse back. Don\u2019t wait for me.\u201d<\/p>\n<p>Something in the way he\u2019d said it told Hoss there was a real problem. He rushed to Chubb and hurriedly put the saddle on. Reaching for the cinch, he looked back at his nephew. \u201cAudun, what is it?\u201d<\/p>\n<p>\u201cI\u2026don\u2019t know,\u201d Audun replied, not meeting his eyes. As Hoss mounted, he repeated the question in a different tone, and Audun winced. \u201cI think the afterbirth is in the way.\u201d Before he had finished the sentence Hoss and Chubb were gone.<\/p>\n<p>Hoss arrived to an ominously silent house. Ben took him aside. \u201cSon\u2026she died about half an hour ago. Paul and Kam Lee did everything they could, but she\u2019d lost too much blood\u2026I\u2019m sorry. They were able to get the baby out. He\u2019s a little weak, but you have a beautiful son.\u201d<\/p>\n<p>Hoss nodded without a word and calmly went up the stairs. He stood outside the closed door for a moment in an attitude of prayer\u2026only to tear it off its hinges a second later when the knob stuck. He went into the room, propped the door in front of the yawning hole, and turned to the bed.<\/p>\n<p>She was pale\u2026<em>bloodless,<\/em> he thought, <em>that\u2019s what Adam would say<\/em>. But otherwise, she looked asleep. There were three blankets and a quilt wrapped around her, covering everything but her face\u2026probably to hide or just absorb the blood he knew would be there. But he wouldn\u2019t think of that. He couldn\u2019t think of that\u2014he wasn\u2019t going to remember her this way.<\/p>\n<p>\u201c\u2026to bury them in the morning,\u201d Ben was saying, and his voice sounded far away.<\/p>\n<p>\u201cYou\u2019ll want to leave now,\u201d Beth said gently. \u201cWe have to wash and dress her.\u201d<\/p>\n<p>\u201cNo,\u201d Hoss replied hoarsely. \u201cI\u2019ll stay here.\u201d<\/p>\n<p>Beth and Alice exchanged a glance. Beth put a hand on his shoulder. \u201cYou sure?\u201d<\/p>\n<p>\u201cI said I\u2019d stay.\u201d<\/p>\n<p>He heard them moving things around, rummaging in the wardrobe. Heard the water being squeezed back into the bowl. But he saw\u2026Gumbo. And her.<\/p>\n<p><em><u>October, 1869<\/u><\/em><\/p>\n<p>He drove the wagon into town for supplies that day, with Gumbo sitting by his side. She was so proud to be allowed to come with him. She and Honey always followed him everywhere, but being allowed to come into town on the wagon was a special treat.<\/p>\n<p>He\u2019d hobnobbed with Mr. Cass for a little longer than he should have, he supposed, and hadn\u2019t paid any attention to the clanking sounds from the alley behind the store\u2014and when he returned to the wagon, Gumbo was gone. Must have been some children around, he thought. Collies couldn\u2019t resist children. But then he heard the sharp voice in the alley and headed around the corner.<\/p>\n<p>\u201cI should thrash all three of you here and now!\u201d Tall and proud the woman stood, like a queen before her throne. He\u2019d seen her before at a couple of dances, but never realized her height. At the dances she always seemed stooping, and she slumped when she sat in church. Her hair was such a light blonde it was nearly white, and her eyes, now shooting sparks of anger, were a shade of violet that made his knees weak.<\/p>\n<p>\u201cI\u2019d like to see you try, Miss Fancy Petticoats!\u201d shouted Jake Lafferty. At 12, he was big for his age and just as mean as his father.<\/p>\n<p>To his everlasting shock, he saw the woman grab Jake and twist his arm. \u201cUnless you want me to break it, you little heathen, you will have your friends release the dog. Now.\u201d<\/p>\n<p>That was when he saw Gumbo\u2014a string of cans tied to her tail, one paw doubled and tied to her body, two others tied together\u2014she had somehow hobbled back into a corner in an attempt to hide from her tormentors. He knew better than to think she would ever have hurt one of them, no matter how much they deserved it.<\/p>\n<p>\u201cFellas, git \u2019er!\u201d Jake cried, and the other two boys started for the woman.<\/p>\n<p>\u201cI don\u2019t think so,\u201d Hoss said then, and walked out into the middle of the alley. The two boys gasped and turned to flee past him, but he had them by their collars in an instant. People never seemed to realize just how fast he could move when he wanted to. He gave both the boys a good shake. \u201cBe glad I don\u2019t bang your heads together,\u201d he snapped. \u201cLem Smith, I\u2019m gonna let you go so you can get those cans off my dog\u2019s tail. Deke Payton, I\u2019m gonna let you go so you can untie her paws. Either of ya makes a break for it and I swear to heaven I\u2019ll sit full down on yer backs and there won\u2019t be nothin\u2019 left of you but a little greasy spot.\u201d<\/p>\n<p>The blonde woman was still hanging onto the wildly struggling Jake Lafferty.<\/p>\n<p>\u201cYou can let him go.\u201d He looked into her violet eyes. \u201cI\u2019ll take care of him.\u201d<\/p>\n<p>Jake tried to rush past him when she turned loose, but he grabbed the boy easily and took him by the shoulders. \u201cListen here,\u201d he said. \u201cI know your daddy don\u2019t care nothin\u2019 about you, and he probably ain\u2019t got the sense to give you a tanning. But there\u2019s no reason for you to be as shiftless and mean as he is. You\u2019re a smart boy, and you could make somethin\u2019 outta yourself if you wanted to. You understand me?\u201d<\/p>\n<p>\u201cYou can\u2019t tell me what to do,\u201d Jake mumbled, his eyes on the ground.<\/p>\n<p>\u201cNope, I can\u2019t. Your pa\u2019s a bully, and if you want to follow in his footsteps, yer right, I can\u2019t stop you. But here\u2019s what I can do\u2014you and your friends touch my dog again\u2026or anything else I care about\u2026and your daddy won\u2019t have to give you a tanning. I\u2019ll carry the three of you down to the city courthouse and stuff you right into the cannon. And then I\u2019ll light the fuse. And ain\u2019t nobody in town\u2014including Poke Lafferty\u2014big enough nor mean enough to stop me. You got that?\u201d<\/p>\n<p>Jake stubbed his toe into the dirt. \u201cYeah. You think you\u2019re brave enough to try. I got friends.\u201d<\/p>\n<p>\u201cI know I\u2019m brave enough\u2026and I don\u2019t need friends to do my fightin\u2019 for me, either. Brave people do their own fightin\u2019. Now get\u2014all of ya. I got no use for people who torture dogs. Out!\u201d<\/p>\n<p>The three couldn\u2019t scramble away fast enough\u2014and he turned back to her then, surprised to see how much smaller the woman suddenly seemed.<\/p>\n<p>\u201cI thought you were taller, Miss\u2026\u201d he said with a halfway smile.<\/p>\n<p>She straightened up. The top of her head reached the bridge of his nose. With a sheepish smile, she put out one hand. \u201cMason.\u201d<\/p>\n<p>\u201cThat\u2019s right, Robert Mason\u2019s girl\u2014Vera, is it?\u201d<\/p>\n<p>\u201cVeralyn. One word, Mr. Cartwright.\u201d<\/p>\n<p>\u201cThat\u2019s a pretty name. Well, Miss Veralyn, Gumbo and I both want to thank you for your kindness\u2026and I think you\u2019re pretty darn brave, too, if you\u2019ll pardon the language.\u201d<\/p>\n<p>He\u2019d found the courage somehow to invite her to the next dance with him\u2026somehow they\u2019d ended up at all the subsequent dances together, too\u2026and then\u2026<\/p>\n<p><strong><em>May, 1874<\/em><\/strong><\/p>\n<p>\u201cHoss,\u201d Alice said softly. \u201cHoss, we\u2019re leaving. Why don\u2019t you come with us? We can sit up with you.\u201d<\/p>\n<p>\u201cNo, thank you kindly,\u201d he said, his voice like sand blowing over granite.<\/p>\n<p>They left him, but they left the door leaning to one side, and a few minutes later Adam came in, holding a swaddled bundle and looking a mirror image of misery. \u201cHoss\u2026I\u2019m sorry. I\u2026\u201d<\/p>\n<p>He managed a pale imitation of a smile. \u201cThings could\u2019ve been worse. They said you mighta lost Tilly, too. I\u2019m real sorry to hear about the baby, Adam.\u201d<\/p>\n<p>If anything, Adam looked even more forlorn. \u201cI can stay with you.\u201d He started to sit down, but Hoss waved him away. \u201cYou go on back to Tilly. She needs you.\u201d<\/p>\n<p>\u201cBut\u2026\u201d<\/p>\n<p>\u201cNo buts. You know I\u2019m right.\u201d<\/p>\n<p>\u201cDo you want to take him?\u201d Adam asked, holding out the bundle.<\/p>\n<p>Hoss caught a glimpse of white-blond curls, like Veralyn\u2019s, and his eyes were suddenly swimming again. He looked away. \u201cDon\u2019t think I can quite bring myself to just yet, Adam\u2026.\u201d<\/p>\n<p>Adam sighed. \u201cI\u2019ll send in Joe. I can\u2019t leave you like this. Not in the dark, alone.\u201d<\/p>\n<p>Hoss looked up and smiled, his vision blurring. \u201cI ain\u2019t scared of the dark\u2026and I ain\u2019t alone. You know what Pa always said about memories.\u201d<\/p>\n<p>For a minute he thought Adam might cry too, but after a brief, agonized look and a convulsive swallow, Adam managed a smile. \u201cThey\u2019re always there when you need them most.\u201d<\/p>\n<p>\u201cYup,\u201d Hoss said. \u201cAnd I\u2019ve got a whole barrel full, and tonight I\u2019m gonna go through every one of \u2019em.\u201d<\/p>\n<p><strong>Chapter 19<\/strong><\/p>\n<p><strong><em>May, 1875<\/em><\/strong><\/p>\n<p>It was the fourth argument in six weeks, and Beth Cameron Cartwright was fed up. She and Gordon had never argued like this. But then, Gordon had been a generally sensible fellow, one willing to listen to reason. He hadn\u2019t been stiff-necked and stubborn like Ben\u2026or Adam\u2026or Joe\u2026or even Hoss. The whole Cartwright clan was always convinced that they were in the right, no matter how wrong they were.<\/p>\n<p>Three times now, Ben had allowed her to leave, then ridden into town the next day, spent a couple of nights with her at her old rooms above the store, and managed to talk her into coming back. This time would be different, she resolved. She wasn\u2019t falling into those soft warm eyes of his anymore; wasn\u2019t going to be influenced by that deep, reverberating bass voice that sounded like her idea of what Heaven must hear when God spoke. She was right; Ben was wrong. He had no business letting Adam run off with Joe\u2014especially when Adam was acting guilty and like he had something to hide about the whole affair.<\/p>\n<p>She\u2019d always liked Tilly; she had no idea why Tilly was being just as stiff-necked and stubborn as any other Cartwright about the whole business, refusing to tell Adam of her pregnancy, refusing to beg him to stay\u2014even Audun had said Adam had no business going off with Joe. But Tilly had been silent, looking at the floor and not saying a word.<\/p>\n<p><strong><em>April, 1875<\/em><\/strong><\/p>\n<p>Beth and Tilly were in the kitchen preparing dinner\u2014Hop Sing seemed to be spending a lot of time away himself, lately.<\/p>\n<p>She glanced over at her daughter-in-law. \u201cTilly\u2026I hope you don\u2019t mind my saying so, but you married one cold fish.\u201d<\/p>\n<p>Tilly looked at her and gave her an odd little smile. \u201cIs that what you think, Beth?\u201d<\/p>\n<p>\u201cI want to like Adam; I truly do. But I just don\u2019t understand him. His behavior back in the days when Sam Bryant had his father was just so arrogant\u2014\u201d<\/p>\n<p>\u201cYou really believe all those rumors?\u201d<\/p>\n<p>\u201cWhat rumors? I was in the jail with Adam when he was saying all that stuff about hanging Perkins. I listened to him. He sounded like he was playing a chess game and he was using his own father as a pawn.\u201d<\/p>\n<p>Tilly considered this in silence for a moment. \u201cWell, I wasn\u2019t there, so I don\u2019t know. All I know is\u2026you\u2019re figuring him wrong, Beth. He\u2019s not cold. Ask Ben, if you don\u2019t believe me.\u201d<\/p>\n<p>\u201cOh, I\u2019ll grant he seems to inspire people to defend him even when they should know better. Ben maintains to this day that Adam acted just as he would\u2019ve. And now he says Adam was the perfect one to go with Joe wherever he went. But you and I both know Adam is still dealing with problems of his own, and he\u2019s in no position to help anyone else until he\u2019s straightened out.\u201d<\/p>\n<p>\u201cMaybe that\u2019s why he went\u2026so he and Joe can straighten each other out. Haven\u2019t you ever noticed the strange connection they have\u2026like they\u2019re two sides of the same coin?\u201d<\/p>\n<p>Beth\u2019s eyebrows arched. \u201cNo, I don\u2019t believe so.\u201d<\/p>\n<p>\u201cI have.\u201d<\/p>\n<p>\u201cI\u2019ll tell you what I\u2019ve noticed, Tilly. I know about him and Florinda Robinson. She buys things in my store sometimes, and I\u2019ve heard his name come up more than once among her friends.\u201d<\/p>\n<p>\u201cThey shop in your store, really?\u201d Tilly giggled. \u201cWell, I guess scarlet women have to eat, too. You\u2019ll have to point her out to me someday. We\u2019ve never been properly introduced.\u201d<\/p>\n<p>\u201cI couldn\u2019t do that\u2014you\u2019d scratch her eyes out! Not that I\u2019d blame you, but it would be bad for business.\u201d<\/p>\n<p>\u201cOh, I\u2019m sure it would generate a lot of publicity, Beth. But no, that\u2019s not on my list of things to do when I see her. What I\u2019d like to do is just sit down and talk to her sometime.\u201d<\/p>\n<p>\u201cWhy?\u201d<\/p>\n<p>\u201cI guess\u2026I want to know if she\u2019s ever looked into his eyes.\u201d<\/p>\n<p>\u201cWhat? What does that mean?\u201d<\/p>\n<p>\u201cI just wondered\u2026and I\u2019d like to know. That\u2019s all, Beth. Honest. See\u2026I have.\u201d<\/p>\n<p>And Beth had gone silent, because you couldn\u2019t argue with a woman that besotted.<\/p>\n<p>Beth also left unasked the question she\u2019d had since she\u2019d seen Adam come in on the day of Alice\u2019s death in the fire. He\u2019d been covered with mud and blood, and he looked like a ghost seeking a place to haunt. All these anomalies had been lamely explained by his dog\u2019s death. But he had never explained, nor had she ever had the nerve to ask, why he smelled like smoke.<\/p>\n<p><strong>Chapter 20<\/strong><\/p>\n<p><strong><em>May, 1875<\/em><\/strong><\/p>\n<p>It was raining in Silver Peak. Adam looked out the window in disgust. Joe had finally made a remark or two about leaving the place, but he\u2019d gotten to where he never went out in the rain if he didn\u2019t have to. That meant he\u2019d likely spend the day playing poker and drinking again, leaving Adam nothing to do except try once again\u2014fruitlessly\u2014to make friends with that stupid dog that liked to hobble up and down the street.<\/p>\n<p><em>If I just had even one book\u2026but no, I\u2019m gonna sit and do nothing again all day except think.<\/em><\/p>\n<p>Silver Peak had no library. There were no books in the town\u2019s only store. And he\u2019d forgotten to bring anything when they\u2019d left home. <em>Too busy saying things I had no business saying to Tilly\u2026even if they were true. If she left, it was because of what I said, and who could blame her\u2026and if she didn\u2019t leave, I couldn\u2019t look her in the eye because she\u2019s right about Florinda Robinson\u2026I can\u2019t believe myself sometimes\u2026but good God, what do you do when your own wife turns you out of your bed in favor of her dreams\u2026and someone else\u2019s kid?<\/em><\/p>\n<p><strong><em>May, 1874<\/em><\/strong><\/p>\n<p>It was raining the morning they buried Veralyn and the baby girl Tilly had birthed.<\/p>\n<p>Adam walked into his room to see Tilly curled on her side, facing away from him. She was awake, he was certain, but\u2026well, obviously she didn\u2019t feel like talking to anyone. He didn\u2019t much blame her. He was functioning right now only because he had to. He kissed her cheek and went up to his old room. Audun wasn\u2019t there, but the book he needed was. Finally he went to Hoss\u2019s room, where Audun sat holding Veralyn\u2019s baby and rocking him slowly.<\/p>\n<p>\u201cI have to go out for the service now, Audun. You\u2019ll need to watch things here. Tilly\u2019s not up yet, and Hop Sing\u2019s making food for the wake.\u201d<\/p>\n<p>\u201cFather, I need to talk to you first.\u201d<\/p>\n<p>He opened his mouth to say he didn\u2019t have time, but something in the boy\u2019s look held him still.<\/p>\n<p>\u201cTilly\u2019s milk will come in tomorrow morning\u2014maybe even tonight.\u201d<\/p>\n<p>\u201cHuh? What do you mean?\u201d<\/p>\n<p>Audun raised an eyebrow, and then explained as if to a child. \u201cTilly had a baby. Her mind knows the baby died; her body does not. Her body only knows she\u2019s given birth. The first two days after a baby, a woman makes healthy water, and then comes milk.\u201d<\/p>\n<p>\u201cWhy are you telling me this?\u201d<\/p>\n<p>Audun indicated the sleeping baby in his arms. \u201cWe\u2019ve tried the alternatives. There are no women in Chinatown available to wet-nurse. Alice barely makes enough for her own baby, so she can\u2019t help. Cow, goat, even mare\u2019s milk\u2026he won\u2019t take any of them. It\u2019s been a day and a half. He\u2019s very weak.\u201d<\/p>\n<p>\u201cI know.\u201d<\/p>\n<p>\u201cDoes nobody see the answer in front of you? You have a mother without a child, and a child without a mother. Why don\u2019t you ask Tilly to nurse the baby?\u201d<\/p>\n<p>Well of course it had occurred to him\u2014it had probably occurred to everybody\u2014but the thought of actually asking her such a thing made the black hat drop from his nerveless fingers. \u201cHow can you ask that? She\u2019s going through seven kinds of hell in there. This is the fourth child she\u2019s lost\u2014and this one was carried to term, for God\u2019s sake. She held it in her arms and kissed it. Do you really think she wants to nurse someone else\u2019s baby\u2014even if it\u2019s\u2026Hoss\u2019s?\u201d<\/p>\n<p>Audun looked at him.<\/p>\n<p>Adam began to tap his fingers against his thigh. \u201cAnd what if he dies anyway? How would she feel if she had to deal with that?\u201d<\/p>\n<p>\u201cI think you won\u2019t know unless you ask her.\u201d<\/p>\n<p>\u201cWell, then, I won\u2019t know. Some things you just don\u2019t do, Audun, not if you have any respect for a person\u2019s feelings. A baby\u2019s not a library book a woman borrows and then sends back again. She\u2019d get tangled up in her love for it, and start thinking it was her own\u2026and each time Hoss would come and get him back, she\u2019d be bereft all over again.\u201d<\/p>\n<p>\u201cThere\u2019s a lot more at stake than feelings. There\u2019s a person\u2019s life. Besides, Father, if Tilly doesn\u2019t nurse <em>somebody<\/em> once her milk comes in, she\u2019ll soon feel even worse than she does now.\u201d<\/p>\n<p>\u201cI don\u2019t see how that\u2019s possible.\u201d<\/p>\n<p>\u201cI do.\u201d Audun didn\u2019t wait for a response. \u201cI\u2019ve been around enough women to know what happens after a child is born. The mother\u2019s milk comes within a day or two; it\u2019s the way of nature. If the mother nurses the child, then both are well and happy. If the child dies or is taken away, the milk comes anyway. It\u2019s there; the woman\u2019s body keeps producing it. With no way to be released from her body, it builds up and hardens inside. She may develop a fever. She\u2019ll need to nurse something, Father, if only to relieve the physical pain. If we don\u2019t do this, she\u2019ll suffer for days before her body finally readjusts.\u201d<\/p>\n<p>None of that had occurred to him. Funny; he would have thought of it right away if it had been a cow. Every farmer, every cattleman knew about milk fever. But the vagaries of women\u2019s bodies were things he seldom thought about. As long as a woman knew what was going on with herself and could take care of it, there was nothing for a man to worry about. These things weren\u2019t discussed, anyway\u2014it wasn\u2019t polite.<\/p>\n<p>Audun stood up. \u201cI\u2019m going to ask her.\u201d<\/p>\n<p>\u201cYou do and I\u2019ll take a buggy whip to you.\u201d<\/p>\n<p>\u201cHer child is dead. All our grief won\u2019t bring it back. Veralyn is dead. All our grief won\u2019t bring her back. We can save one life here\u2014maybe. From the time I came to this place, I have heard the same thing. \u2018We\u2019re Cartwrights. We don\u2019t throw family out with the potato peels.\u2019 I asked Uncle Hoss once who said that. He said it was you. Do you no longer believe it?\u201d<\/p>\n<p>\u201cDon\u2019t you dare bring family into this,\u201d Adam said again, but he couldn\u2019t get anything else out around the lump in his throat. He looked up, his vision blurring as he saw himself, his own logic and common sense, staring him in the face. <em>This was what it was like for the rest of the family when I insisted on being practical in the face of tragedy, <\/em>he thought, and knew he was paying for it now.<\/p>\n<p>He picked up his hat. \u201cI\u2019m going. Don\u2019t do anything until I get back.\u201d<\/p>\n<p>\u201cIf we don\u2019t at least try, you might as well save yourself a trip and bury this one with the others now,\u201d the boy said. It was the last thing Adam heard as he slammed the door and walked out into the pelting rain.<\/p>\n<p style=\"text-align: center;\">**<\/p>\n<p>\u201cDid you\u2026did you find it?\u201d Hoss asked, joining him as he walked over to the wagon.<\/p>\n<p>He held the book up.<\/p>\n<p>\u201cAdam, I sure appreciate it\u2026\u201d<\/p>\n<p>Adam shook his head. \u201cIt\u2019s the least I can do.\u201d It was. After all, the most would be to do what Audun had said, and he wasn\u2019t sure he could do that.<\/p>\n<p>It was a graveside service; the ranch hands had come out of respect for their employer, and a few people from town, but not many. Well, at least Hop Sing had no need to worry about running out of food. As Hoss had once pointed out, the Ponderosa was close enough for a party, but too far for people to travel when there was death, injury, or work to be done.<\/p>\n<p>Reverend Cook was there, of course. Adam didn\u2019t really know this fellow; he\u2019d come to town not long after Adam and Tilly had left. But he was the same fellow who had made such a large matter of Audun\u2019s spiritual state, and while Adam didn\u2019t give a lot of credence to Audun\u2019s argument about armadillos, he found it downright insulting that the man should have called his son a \u201clittle savage.\u201d It wasn\u2019t as if he\u2019d been wearing war paint and doing a Sun Dance around the altar, after all. Still, Cook was the leader of their church, so he rated a polite inclination of the head.<\/p>\n<p>They buried the baby first, mainly because there wasn\u2019t much to say. How could you eulogize a baby? And he didn\u2019t bother listening to what the preacher did say, because there wasn\u2019t a thing that could make him feel better about any of it. He kept his eyes on Hoss; that was where his real concern lay as the preacher began to talk about godly women of the Bible, and how a virtuous woman was worth more than rubies. Veralyn had been that, he was certain; but Hoss had loved and lost before, and he\u2019d always gotten past it somehow. This time\u2026something was just plain wrong, something even beyond Veralyn.<\/p>\n<p>Hearing his name suddenly, he looked toward the preacher.<\/p>\n<p>\u201c\u2026Cartwright will read a poem,\u201d the man said, and Adam was fairly certain he heard a disapproving note. Well, Hoss had asked him to; he\u2019d said Veralyn had some affection for Robert Burns, and although he didn\u2019t know the poem\u2019s title, he had known what it was about well enough to give Adam a description that made sense. <em>\u201cIt\u2019s about a man whose wife\u2014well, Adam, they meet by the river and fall in love\u2026do you know the one I mean?\u201d Hoss had blinked a couple of times, his blue eyes dulled by a film of unshed tears. \u201cBy some flowers, I think\u2026she loved that poem, Adam. If you could find it\u2026\u201d<\/em><\/p>\n<p>He stepped up to the graveside and glanced from his father to Joe and Alice, then settled his gaze on Hoss. He gave him a half-smile and opened the book.<\/p>\n<p>\u201c\u2026<em>How pleasant thy banks and green valleys below,<\/em><\/p>\n<p><em>Where wild in the woodlands the primroses blow;<\/em><\/p>\n<p><em>There oft as mild evening weeps over the lea,<\/em><\/p>\n<p><em>The sweet-scented birk shades my dear one and me<\/em>\u2026<\/p>\n<p><em>Flow gently, sweet Afton, among thy green braes,<\/em><\/p>\n<p><em>Flow gently, sweet river, the theme of my lays;<\/em><\/p>\n<p><em>My dear one\u2019s asleep by thy murmuring stream,<\/em><\/p>\n<p><em>Flow gently, sweet Afton, disturb not her dream.<\/em>\u201d<\/p>\n<p>He looked back at Hoss, whose face was wet. Might\u2019ve been tears, might not\u2014it was raining, after all, and wet was wet. Hoss swallowed and gave him ruins of a smile, then picked up a clod of earth. Ben, Alice and Joe followed, while Adam thought back to the distasteful conversation he\u2019d had with Audun\u2026and knew that like it or not, he\u2019d have to ask Tilly. And like it or not, Tilly would have to say yes, because they were Cartwrights after all, and they didn\u2019t throw family out with the potato peels\u2026but he still cursed himself for originating that adage.<\/p>\n<p style=\"text-align: center;\">**<\/p>\n<p>They came back to the silent house; Adam braced himself and went into the downstairs guest room to talk to Tilly, only to find the door shut. He opened it cautiously and went in to see her settled in the rocking chair, nursing Robert Benjamin Cartwright.<\/p>\n<p>She looked up as he came in, and blushed. \u201cI\u2026I hope nobody minds. Audun brought him in since I hadn\u2019t met him yet, and this little fellow started nosing around like a robin after a worm. I asked why he was hungry, and Audun said he wouldn\u2019t drink cow\u2019s milk\u2026so I thought I\u2019d give it a try, and Audun didn\u2019t mind; he left us together and, well, you see it worked.\u201d<\/p>\n<p>The smile she gave him was so painfully radiant he wanted to ram his fist through the wall.<\/p>\n<p>\u201cI\u2019m glad,\u201d he said instead. \u201cHow are you?\u201d<\/p>\n<p>She half-shrugged. \u201cIt hurts, but I\u2019ll get used to it\u2026and he\u2019s eating, so I\u2019m happy. I mean\u2026I hope you don\u2019t think it\u2019s forward of me, but when Audun said he hadn\u2019t eaten anything yet, I just\u2026I couldn\u2019t think of anything but feeding him myself. You don\u2019t think it\u2019s wrong, do you?\u201d<\/p>\n<p>\u201cOf course not,\u201d he said quietly. \u201cIt makes perfect sense\u2026and it\u2019s very kind of you.\u201d<\/p>\n<p>\u201cKind, nothin\u2019. I just didn\u2019t want anybody else to die.\u201d She looked away then, and when she spoke, it was to the wall. \u201cWas it a nice service?\u201d<\/p>\n<p>He nodded, and looked at her sitting there so calmly, nursing his brother\u2019s child, and wondered why it mattered to him. He\u2019d been planning to ask her, after all.<\/p>\n<p>\u201cWe\u2019ll have to work something out for feedings\u2026\u201d Tilly went on, looking back at the baby. \u201cWould you mind talking to Hoss about it? I don\u2019t think I could. I guess he\u2019ll want to bring that cradle up from his house, too. He\u2019ll have to move back here for a while\u2026\u201d<\/p>\n<p>\u201cI\u2019ll talk to him,\u201d Adam said, taking off his soggy clothes and hanging them up. He put on a black shirt and a pair of jeans, and continued to watch.<\/p>\n<p>\u201cHe\u2019s a nice little boy,\u201d Tilly murmured. \u201cBut\u2026Adam, can we afford a gravestone for our baby?\u201d<\/p>\n<p>Stunned, he looked at her. \u201cYes, we can afford it. You want me to order one? What would it say?\u201d<\/p>\n<p>\u201cJust \u2018Lily\u2019\u2014after all, she\u2019s one of your Lilies too; she\u2019ll just have to do it from Heaven is all.\u201d Tilly looked down at the boy. \u201cOh\u2014and yesterday\u2019s date\u2026and maybe if you can afford an inscription, \u2018Sleep in peace. God is awake.\u2019 I think we all need that reminder.\u201d She looked up at him with damp eyes. \u201cLord knows I do.\u201d<\/p>\n<p style=\"text-align: center;\">**<\/p>\n<p>Adam found Audun in the barn, rubbing down the wet horses. When the boy saw his father, he put down the cloth he\u2019d been using and came out to the corridor between the rows of stalls. He had a riding crop in his hand, which he held out silently.<\/p>\n<p>Adam half-smiled. \u201cI said \u2018buggy whip.\u2019\u201d<\/p>\n<p>\u201cI couldn\u2019t find it,\u201d Audun replied, and turned around to bend over a hay bale.<\/p>\n<p>Adam tossed the riding crop to one side, grabbed his son, and hugged him, hard.<\/p>\n<p><strong>Chapter 21<\/strong><\/p>\n<p><strong><em>May, 1875<\/em><\/strong><\/p>\n<p>\u201cHave you seen Audun?\u201d Ben asked, and Tilly, stirring the beef stew a little more conscientiously than was needed, mumbled something he didn\u2019t understand before devoting all her attention to the floating carrots.<\/p>\n<p>Ben tried again. \u201cHow about Hop Sing?\u201d<\/p>\n<p>Hoss wandered in then. \u201cHop Sing went into town, Pa. And no, I ain\u2019t seen Audun, but his horse is here, so I imagine he ain\u2019t far off.\u201d<\/p>\n<p>At that a chunk of turnip flipped out of the pot and landed on the floor; Duke, waiting hopefully under the table, darted out to grab it.<\/p>\n<p>\u201cHuh,\u201d Ben grunted.<\/p>\n<p>\u201cI\u2019ll take care of your horse, Pa, if that\u2019s what you wanted,\u201d Hoss offered. \u201cBut you\u2019ll need to watch the young\u2019uns. Tilly, you got any fatback?\u201d<\/p>\n<p>She turned and cut him a chunk, liquid fat dripping on the floor and bringing Duke out again. \u201cCareful, it\u2019s hot\u2026\u201d<\/p>\n<p>\u201cI\u2019ll manage.\u201d Hoss grinned.<\/p>\n<p>\u201cI just wanted to talk to him,\u201d Ben said sheepishly. \u201cI took care of Buck myself. I\u2026wanted to thank Audun for all he\u2019s been doing with the horses.\u201d<\/p>\n<p>\u201cDid you, now?\u201d There was a pleased note to Hoss\u2019s voice, and when Ben looked up he caught a smile.<\/p>\n<p>Ben shrugged. \u201cHe\u2019s been helpful\u2014the last few times I\u2019ve come back from town I was a little distracted about one thing or another. I\u2019ve just left the horses for him, and he\u2019s always\u2014\u201d<\/p>\n<p>\u201cThat\u2019s nice, Pa, and I don\u2019t mean to interrupt, but I gotta get back in the livin\u2019 room with the kids. Soon as Bonnie gets a chance she climbs right outta that pen and starts eatin\u2019 everything in sight, whether it\u2019s meant to be et or not. Reckon she can share my fatback, though.\u201d<\/p>\n<p>Ben turned to follow him, not noticing Tilly\u2019s sudden relieved slump against the counter.<\/p>\n<p style=\"text-align: center;\">**<\/p>\n<p>She had slipped out to the barn that morning and heard the boy talking to the horse as he prepared to leave. Apparently all his thoughts were directed toward the task that lay in front of him; he never seemed to notice her standing just inside the darkened doorway.<\/p>\n<p>\u201cYou have it easy, Falcon,\u201d he was telling the horse as he curried him. \u201cWhere you used to live three years ago and where you live now are all the same to you. You go where the food is good. For me, everything is different. Such is the price of living in \u2018civilization.\u2019 I know now what forks are for, but these people worry about me even when I go out to the lake for a bath, and they only think about the spirit world on Sunday.\u201d<\/p>\n<p>He stopped abruptly and pulled the horse\u2019s head around to look him in the eye. \u201cI have a peculiar sense of humor. Everybody says so. Do you think my guiding spirit will be the coyote?\u201d Falcon snorted. \u201cFine, ridicule me. I\u2019m ambitious. I bet you an apple I\u2019m right.\u201d<\/p>\n<p>\u201cI\u2019ll take that bet,\u201d Tilly said, stepping into the half-light of the barn.<\/p>\n<p>Audun looked at her with some displeasure. \u201cYou shouldn\u2019t be here. I should be alone now.\u201d<\/p>\n<p>\u201cSorry. I\u2019m not going to follow you, but I\u2019m the closest thing to a mother you\u2019ve got, and I wouldn\u2019t feel right if I didn\u2019t at least give you a hug for luck.\u201d<\/p>\n<p>\u201cI don\u2019t need luck. I need a w\u00e1yakin.\u201d<\/p>\n<p>\u201cAnd I hope you find one\u2014or that a w\u00e1yakin finds you. Can I get that hug now?\u201d<\/p>\n<p>A little reluctantly, it seemed, Audun gave her a hug. \u201cNext time I see you, I\u2019ll be a man.\u201d<\/p>\n<p>\u201cI know. And I don\u2019t suppose men hug their mothers. Or stepmothers.\u201d<\/p>\n<p>Audun looked away.<\/p>\n<p>Falcon came back alone a little after noon, while Hoss and Ben were out with the hands, branding the new spring calves. Tilly had caught the horse herself and led him to the pasture. She pulled the hackamore over Falcon\u2019s head, disengaging the small rolled-up paper tied around the cheek strap and glancing quickly at it to be sure it was readable. Then she shut the gate to the pasture, wordlessly thanking Audun for riding bareback. The weight of that saddle would probably have brought on a miscarriage, although, considering her life of late, perhaps it was to be expected.<\/p>\n<p>She hadn\u2019t told Beth the entire truth that day when Adam and Joe had left. Beth had asked her how long she\u2019d known she was pregnant, and she had said \u201ca few weeks.\u201d It had been closer to four months. Now she was into her sixth, although between the corsets she\u2019d abandoned after their arrival home and the loose clothing she\u2019d adopted in its place, she\u2019d been able to keep it hidden. But she hadn\u2019t wanted to say anything for the same reason she still had not told Ben or Hoss\u2014or even Audun, although she was equally sure he already knew. Of the few things she was certain about, the main one was that she would lose this baby as well; it was only a question of time.<\/p>\n<p><strong><em>June, 1874<\/em><\/strong><\/p>\n<p>\u201cMrs. Cartwright!\u201d Reverend Cook exclaimed in surprise as she entered the church office. He had just taken his hat and coat off the rack, and now he hesitated. \u201cUm\u2026I was just\u2026um\u2026going to lunch. Could you possibly come back in an hour?\u201d<\/p>\n<p>\u201cNo, sir,\u201d Tilly Cartwright replied with an apologetic smile. \u201cI apologize for barging in without an appointment. My father-in-law had to come into town for some business; I inconvenienced him by insisting on coming along, and I really have to be mindful of his schedule. If I could just talk to you for a moment\u2026please.\u201d<\/p>\n<p>He gave a long-suffering sigh and motioned her to a chair opposite his desk, then sat down behind the desk and pulled a Bible and all six volumes of Matthew Henry\u2019s Bible Commentary down from a shelf, piling them on the desk in three stacks like a barricade. \u201cI didn\u2019t see Adam or Audun in church Sunday.\u201d<\/p>\n<p>\u201cThey\u2019ve gone out of town; they\u2019ll be gone for several weeks.\u201d<\/p>\n<p>\u201cWell, then\u2026what can I do for you, Mrs. Cartwright?\u201d<\/p>\n<p>\u201cPastor, do you believe God punishes people for past actions?\u201d<\/p>\n<p>He harrumphed a little. \u201cThis is about your stillborn child, isn\u2019t it?\u201d<\/p>\n<p>\u201cWell, yes, but it\u2019s just that this is the fourth child I\u2019ve lost, Pastor. I lost the others while Adam and I were traveling. The others were never carried to term, but this one was\u2026I had even started to let myself believe that everything might go well this time, but\u2026I lost her too. There are things in my life that I\u2019m not too proud of, and things I regret\u2026but I\u2019ve never deliberately done anything I believed to be wrong, well, maybe except one time, with cause\u2026but\u2026still\u2026I\u2026\u201d<\/p>\n<p>\u201cMrs. Cartwright, of course the loss of a child is a terrible thing to endure, but you\u2019re hardly the only woman I\u2019ve known to be unable to give birth to a living baby. Some women are simply meant to be barren.\u201d<\/p>\n<p>She looked sharply at him. \u201cDo you think I\u2019m one of them?\u201d<\/p>\n<p>\u201cI can\u2019t know that. Maybe your faith is being tested. After all, Psalm 66:10 tells us that the Lord \u2018tries us as silver is tried.\u2019 In Virginia City, of course, that means something.\u201d<\/p>\n<p>\u201cIn that case, Pastor, God has been doing nothing but testing my faith for the last ten years. I\u2019ve lost both my parents, both my brothers\u2014and I was engaged twice before I ever met Adam, and both my fianc\u00e9s died too. When Adam and I married I thought I was done with loss, but\u2026I went on a trip to Europe that ended in war and starvation\u2026.I spent a year confined on an island about a tenth the size of the Ponderosa with two thousand men whose notion of fairness meant waiting in line rather than pushing his way to the front to use a woman for his\u2026needs. It was only through God\u2019s grace and my husband\u2019s force of will that I was saved from the fate of the rest of the women there. My husband was unjustly imprisoned, twice, and finally ended up in a dungeon, tortured past the limits of endurance.\u201d<\/p>\n<p>Behind the stacks of commentaries, Cook began to fidget. \u201cThat\u2019s quite a list of grievances.\u201d<\/p>\n<p>\u201cBut I\u2019m not complaining\u2014really, I\u2019m not. I\u2019m just chronicling what\u2019s happened. If all this was a test of faith, really, Pastor, I think I\u2019ve proven myself. After all, here I am talking to you instead of lying drunk in an alley.\u201d<\/p>\n<p>\u201cHmmm. I see. Well, you know, people often have their faith tested intensely, over a long period of time. Think of Job. His friends actually told him he must have committed some grave sin for which he was being punished. But Job still believed. Job 23:10 has Job saying \u2018But he knoweth the way that I take: when he hath tried me, I shall come forth as gold.\u2019 And\u2014\u201d<\/p>\n<p>\u201cPastor, Job\u2019s own wife counseled him to curse God and die, but\u2026I still believe. I\u2019d be more impressed with all the gold and silver references if I had some interest in mining. If my faith is being tested, I should have gotten a pretty good test score by now, and I should be done with it!\u201d<\/p>\n<p>\u201cYou\u2019re not terribly humble about it, though, are you?\u201d he asked, and smiled at the look on her face. \u201cMaybe your sin is simply one of pride.\u201d<\/p>\n<p>She looked at him, wide-eyed and wordless, so he pointed out, \u201cWell, you are being a bit extravagant about your own accomplishments. If you truly want to achieve the humility that is so pleasing in a handmaiden of the Lord, stop boasting about your faithfulness and learn to accept with true grace whatever comes your way. Remember the wisdom in the Proverbs. \u2018The fear of the Lord tendeth to life: and he that hath it shall abide satisfied; he shall not be visited with evil.\u2019 The apostle Paul said, \u2018I have learned, in whatsoever state I am, therewith to be content.\u2019 You know, he wrote those words from a prison cell, possibly much like the one your husband was in.\u201d<\/p>\n<p>\u201cI doubt it. My husband didn\u2019t have the luxury of pen and paper. He was kept alone and in the dark for weeks, not even allowed to talk to himself, and flayed by bullwhips with nails driven through the leather. Pastor, maybe I am proud, but as far as I\u2019m concerned, I\u2019m only grateful we survived. There\u2019s no call to kill an innocent baby in any of that.\u201d<\/p>\n<p>\u201cKing David lost a baby.\u201d<\/p>\n<p>\u201cYes, but he <em>was<\/em> being punished for something! He stole a man\u2019s wife and committed murder\u2026\u201d Tilly found her voice trailing off. \u201cPastor, do you think I\u2019m a murderer?\u201d<\/p>\n<p>\u201cI don\u2019t know you that well, Mrs. Cartwright, although I have heard some interesting stories throughout town about your skills in throwing pots and pans. Have you ever killed a man?\u201d From his grin, he apparently thought the question frivolous. He looked at his watch again. \u201cI\u2019m sorry, but I really must leave. I\u2019d love to help you, Mrs. Cartwright, but you\u2019re asking questions I can\u2019t answer. The only way you\u2019ll find out what it was all about is to continue enduring. I\u2019m sure that\u2019s not what you want to hear, but I have a standing appointment, and now I\u2019m late.\u201d<\/p>\n<p><strong><em>May, 1875<\/em><\/strong><\/p>\n<p>She hadn\u2019t set foot in that church again. Her question had never been answered; there had only been more loss for everyone in the family. Putting a hand on her belly, she sighed, \u201cI would have liked to know you,\u201d and then added a little more salt to the stew.<\/p>\n<p>&nbsp;<\/p>\n<p><strong>Chapter 22<\/strong><\/p>\n<p><strong><em>May, 1875<\/em><\/strong><\/p>\n<p>\u201cI\u2019m thinkin\u2019 about pullin\u2019 out tomorrow,\u201d Joe told Adam.<\/p>\n<p>\u201cBut I was gonna buy a house here!\u201d Adam smirked.<\/p>\n<p>Joe spat on the ground. \u201cI\u2019ve been tellin\u2019 you\u2014you can go back anytime you want.\u201d<\/p>\n<p>\u201cSo, where we goin\u2019?\u201d<\/p>\n<p>\u201cDon\u2019t know yet\u2026maybe south.\u201d<\/p>\n<p>\u201cThat\u2019s desert.\u201d<\/p>\n<p>\u201cSo?\u201d His tone carried more hostility than necessary, but Adam asked too damn many questions.<\/p>\n<p>Adam held up both hands in surrender. \u201cHey, desert sounds good. We can be like the children of Israel, wandering in the wilderness.\u201d<\/p>\n<p>Joe turned away and went down to the saloon below their room. Maybe he\u2019d get into the poker game today <em>before<\/em> he started drinking.<\/p>\n<p>Or then again, maybe not. <em>Things should\u2019ve been different<\/em>, he thought for the millionth time since Alice\u2019s death. <em>Things should\u2019ve been different.<\/em><\/p>\n<p><strong><em>December, 1874<\/em><\/strong><\/p>\n<p>\u201cChristmas?\u201d Alice said, her eyes wide with disbelief. \u201cNow you\u2019re going to be gone over Christmas?\u201d<\/p>\n<p>He gave her his most charming grin, but she seemed immune. \u201cLook, I\u2019ll try to get back before. I\u2019m just telling you it\u2019s a possibility. You know San Diego is a make-or-break contract for us. The bids have to be submitted on the fifteenth, and I\u2019ll have to be there to go over all the figures with Huntington\u2019s board of directors. If everything goes smoothly, I\u2019ll be out of there by the eighteenth, and as long as the mountains stay clear, the train will have me back in Virginia City by the twenty-second.\u201d<\/p>\n<p>Alice bit her lip in an obvious but losing struggle to hold back tears.<\/p>\n<p>\u201cLook,\u201d Joe said roughly, \u201cYou don\u2019t want to stay here, do you? This little shack in the middle of a field? Hoss and Pa and I threw it together way too fast just so you and I would have a place to start our lives together, but come April we\u2019ll have been married two whole years. This isn\u2019t where I want to be next year, Alice. Adam\u2019s back now, and he\u2019s even working in town with that architect firm. He can design us a nice place, like the house Hoss and Veralyn have\u2026had\u2026one in some trees. I don\u2019t like being out in the open like this.\u201d<\/p>\n<p>\u201cYou picked this spot! And besides, I like this house just fine.\u201d<\/p>\n<p>\u201cWell, I don\u2019t. I\u2019ve got a few higher ambitions in life than being here. Anyway, you\u2019re going to have another baby come July, and I don\u2019t want him to have to share with Bonnie.\u201d<\/p>\n<p>\u201cIt wouldn\u2019t matter, not for a few years! What\u2019s your hurry? I know you want to be a big success, but don\u2019t you see I want you here? You could have George Eccles make the presentation for you.\u201d<\/p>\n<p>\u201cNo.\u201d He couldn\u2019t have explained it if he\u2019d tried; he only knew he had to go. Just like he\u2019d had to go to Reno for a week only the month before, and just like in February he\u2019d have to go back to San Diego if they got that contract. He knew his father expected him to take an active role in the timbering operation, not just a \u201cmanagement\u201d position. And besides, Adam was home, and Joe couldn\u2019t have Adam thinking he was slacking off.<\/p>\n<p>Adam was already the one who had pointed out to him the unsafe position (\u201dRight next door to nothin\u2019,\u201d he had quipped like he was making a joke) and the dry, cheap wood he\u2019d used for the house. Oh, he hadn\u2019t said anything. He was too smart for that. He\u2019d just raised his eyebrows a little and Joe had hastily explained that he knew the house was a bit substandard, but he had big plans\u2026and Adam had listened and nodded, and Joe had known Adam wasn\u2019t impressed. So he had to get out of that house and into a decent one\u2014one that would impress Adam\u2014as quick as possible. He couldn\u2019t have Adam thinking he was still \u201cthe kid.\u201d<\/p>\n<p>Hoss had gone to him and offered Joe the house he and Veralyn had shared. \u201cI got no use for it,\u201d he\u2019d pointed out. \u201cI need to stick near Tilly until the boy\u2019s weaned, and I\u2019d need to leave him with Tilly or Hop Sing when I\u2019m workin\u2019 anyhow. Besides\u2026I don\u2019t think I could go back there anyhow, Joe. Too many memories. You and Alice could take the place and make some new memories.\u201d<\/p>\n<p>\u201cNo\u2026Pa always said \u2018no handouts.\u2019 Besides, that\u2019s your land. Someday you\u2019n\u2019 Rob\u2019ll be workin\u2019 your own herd there. No, I need to stay until I get us a place on my own. I\u2019m savin\u2019 up; I\u2019ll be fine.\u201d<\/p>\n<p>\u201cHow much are you givin\u2019 John Harper these days?\u201d Hoss asked darkly.<\/p>\n<p>Joe scowled. \u201cI\u2019m not givin\u2019 him any more money after December. I already told him that.\u201d<\/p>\n<p>And that was just what he intended.<\/p>\n<p><strong><em>May, 1875<\/em><\/strong><\/p>\n<p>But nothing had gone according to plan. By the time he got home from San Diego it was two days after Christmas. For some reason he felt the failure as more than a failure to Alice\u2014it was a business failure. That meant he had to work harder. And he had. But that had kept him away more; it was a vicious circle. And John Harper, Alice\u2019s shiftless brother, had not ceased his demands either. In January Joe had given him $500 and said there would be no more\u2014no matter what. At least that time he\u2019d kept his word, but he couldn\u2019t help wonder if John had come to the house that day for money, the day Alice had died. For all Joe knew, John might even have been the one who had caused the fire, although if that was so, he\u2019d killed himself as well as his sister. But then, John had always been a few sandwiches shy of a picnic.<\/p>\n<p><em>What good did it do? Any of it?<\/em> he asked himself as he ordered his first drink of the day. <em>All I did was upset her and leave her alone\u2026and in the end she burned to death in that scrap-lumber house, without me there to take care of her\u2026I should have insisted she stay at the Ponderosa. She would\u2019ve been angry, but at least she wouldn\u2019t have had only Hoss and Adam checkin\u2019 on her. <\/em><\/p>\n<p>That was probably one of the worst things of all\u2014those last couple of months, Hoss and Adam had probably spent more time with Alice than her own husband.<\/p>\n<p><strong>Chapter 23<\/strong><\/p>\n<p><strong><em>June, 1875<\/em><\/strong><\/p>\n<p>Ben Cartwright scowled around the table from Tilly to Hoss to Bonnie, who was in the special seat Adam had made for her, busily making a mess with her biscuit. Rob was in Hoss\u2019s lap. For some reason everyone, even the babies, seemed not to want to look at Ben.<\/p>\n<p>\u201cAll right,\u201d he finally growled. \u201cWhere is Audun?\u201d<\/p>\n<p>\u201cDon\u2019t know,\u201d Hoss replied promptly. \u201cAin\u2019t seen him.\u201d<\/p>\n<p>\u201cMe either,\u201d Tilly seconded, a little too quickly.<\/p>\n<p>Ben felt the steam rising in him, and he counted to ten. \u201cThis is ridiculous. He didn\u2019t come to dinner last night; this is the second morning in a row he hasn\u2019t done his chores. He has to be somewhere nearby. Hoss, saddle Buck and Chubb. We\u2019re going to find that rapscallion, and when we do, I\u2019m going to give him a piece of my\u2026oh, no, no, you stop that! Not this morning, of all days!\u201d<\/p>\n<p>Robert Benjamin Cartwright seldom cried; he seldom had to. He had inherited his mother\u2019s hair, but his eyes were pure Hoss: the largest, bluest eyes in the world. He also had the biggest bottom lip ever seen, and when his grandfather began to rumble like the proverbial volcano, little Rob\u2019s eyes got wet, which made them even more impossibly blue, and his bottom lip stuck out about an inch from the rest of his face, while his chin quivered pitifully. Right now, seated on Hoss\u2019s lap, he pouted, with his blue eyes fixed accusingly on his grandfather and his chin wobbling to an alarming degree.<\/p>\n<p>\u201cNow you done it,\u201d Hoss muttered.<\/p>\n<p>\u201cI wasn\u2019t even shouting!\u201d Ben shouted\u2014and the dam broke. Robin howled like an abandoned puppy, and Tilly leapt to her feet, grabbed him, and rushed him from the room.<\/p>\n<p>\u201cI told you he don\u2019t like bein\u2019 yelled at,\u201d Hoss said.<\/p>\n<p>\u201cI wasn\u2019t yelling at him! I was yelling\u2026near him.\u201d<\/p>\n<p>Hoss sighed. \u201cI\u2019ll saddle the horses, but we ain\u2019t goin\u2019 nowhere \u2019til you go make up with Rob.\u201d<\/p>\n<p>Ben rolled his eyes. \u201cYou were never like this, you know. I yelled all the time when you were little, and it didn\u2019t bother you.\u201d<\/p>\n<p>Hoss smiled. \u201cNever said it didn\u2019t bother me, Pa. I just knew it wouldn\u2019t do any good to yell back. But there\u2019s a reason I spent so much time around little furry critters that didn\u2019t make much noise.\u201d<\/p>\n<p>Ben sighed and pushed away from the table. Pouting babies, pouting children, pouting wives\u2026Audun had been unaccountably moody the last few days, and now he\u2019d gone and run away Lord knew where. Beth was back in town, and he was going to have to break down and fetch her back soon. Audun had warned him against it, but then again, if Audun had wanted to see Ben\u2019s resolve, he should have stuck around.<\/p>\n<p><strong><em>May, 1875<\/em><\/strong><\/p>\n<p>Ben mumbled to himself as he put on his gun belt, coat and hat. Beth had been gone nearly a week; this was the fourth time since Adam and Joe had left that she had stormed out on him. She had maintained her apartment in town because sometimes she had to handle off-hour shipments and other business pertaining to the two stores she owned. Sometimes he even stayed with her, but this was a different situation: only a couple of hours after the unceremonious departure of Joe and Adam, she had steamed off the first time and hadn\u2019t come back until he\u2019d ridden into town and persuaded her. And then two more arguments\u2026and now this time, she wouldn\u2019t even talk to him when he tried to see her.<\/p>\n<p>He met Audun on his way back to the barn, and the boy looked at him in surprise. \u201cYou said last night that you would relax today. Damp days like this are bad for arthritis. I\u2019m making an ointment for your knees.\u201d<\/p>\n<p>He sighed. \u201cI don\u2019t have arthritis; I\u2019m just a little sore.\u201d<\/p>\n<p>Audun just frowned and shook his head. \u201cI suppose the diagnosis of a twelve-year-old still means little to you\u2014but Paul Martin agrees with me, and he has said it to you.\u201d<\/p>\n<p>\u201cHe\u2019s wrong. Besides, I have important business to take care of in town.\u201d<\/p>\n<p>\u201cGrandfather, I may not seem to pay much attention, but I try to watch the things that happen around the ranch. You have no business in town right now\u2014except maybe making sure your wife comes home, and you really shouldn\u2019t do that.\u201d<\/p>\n<p>\u201cMy business is my own, boy, and you need to keep out of it or I\u2019ll take you over my knee.\u201d<\/p>\n<p>\u201cThat would only make your knee even more sore than my bottom,\u201d Audun pointed out with a smile. \u201cI\u2019ll saddle your horse for you, at least\u2014if you will listen to a story while I do it.\u201d<\/p>\n<p>Well, that would help\u2014he had never mentioned the soreness in his right shoulder, but apparently the boy had picked up on that, too. \u201cIs this some Nimiipuu story?\u201d<\/p>\n<p>\u201cNot a legend. Just something that happened to me when I lived there.\u201d<\/p>\n<p>\u201cAll right.\u201d He sat down on a hay bale while Audun led Buck out.<\/p>\n<p>\u201cWhen Mother and I first went to the People, I was little, and scared of people I didn\u2019t know. Only then Hinmahtooyahlatkekt\u2014Young Joseph\u2014held me, and Mother told me that I must have liked him, since I wouldn\u2019t let go of him. And since I had no Nimiipuu ancestors, Hinmahtooyahlatkekt gave me part of his name. I became<em> Hinmimipelikt<\/em>\u2014Little Thundercloud. Whenever our band made the trip east to join Hinmahtooyahlatkekt\u2019s people and go to the Buffalo Country, I found Hinmahtooyahlatkekt and followed him everywhere\u2026and I played with his daughter, Noise of Running Feet. She was around my age. But Hinmahtooyahlatkekt was an important man, a chief, so \u2019Feet was important too, and she was used to having her own way. When other children didn\u2019t play the way she wanted, she would walk away, and the rest of us would follow her and plead with her to come back, and we\u2019d play the way she wanted. My mother saw it and told me I was being silly to let the girl do that. So one day when \u2019Feet wanted to play digging for camas with me and I didn\u2019t, I said no\u2014and she said she\u2019d go away. I told her to go ahead and go. She went, but I saw her peeking behind to see if I would follow. Instead I went to play with the dogs. Later, \u2019Feet came back and played with me, as if we had never quarreled.\u201d<\/p>\n<p>Ben listened, impressed primarily because Audun had never been much for long speeches. But while it was a nice story\u2026\u201cAudun, are you comparing your grandmother to a little girl?\u201d<\/p>\n<p>Audun leaned against Buck to pull the cinch tight, and then turned back to his grandfather. He shrugged. \u201cDo you think all this running away is behaving like a grownup?\u201d<\/p>\n<p>\u201cThat\u2019s not your business. Besides, she\u2019s a woman, and if you haven\u2019t already figured it out by now, women are different from men. All women, at times\u2014\u201d<\/p>\n<p>\u201cOh, I know <em>all<\/em> about that,\u201d Audun said smugly, looping the cinch. \u201cBut among the Nimiipuu when <em>that<\/em> time of month comes the woman goes to the Red Lodge, and she must stay there, far away from the men, until she\u2019s all right again. I don\u2019t know how you people survive it here, having women around all the time, even at those times\u2014it\u2019s not good for you.\u201d<\/p>\n<p>\u201cAudun\u2026good heavens!\u201d and with that he pulled himself into the saddle. \u201cYou talk like that around the women, and we\u2019ll never have peace in this house again!\u201d<\/p>\n<p><strong><em>June, 1875<\/em><\/strong><\/p>\n<p>Maybe Audun had a point, Ben reflected as he walked out the back door looking for Tilly and Rob\u2014not about that monthly isolation, of course, but possibly about refusing to play Beth\u2019s game, waiting things out to see if she\u2019d come back on her own. Of course, now with Audun missing, he needed to find him first. Then he\u2019d worry about Beth.<\/p>\n<p>Tilly was walking around the back yard near the chicken coop, with Rob tucked into her shoulder. He was no longer howling; only an occasional hiccup betrayed his former distress. Tilly gave Ben a one-sided grin. \u201cDid you come to kiss and make up?\u201d<\/p>\n<p>Ben sighed. \u201cHand him over and let\u2019s see how mad he is.\u201d<\/p>\n<p>Rob just looked at him as he forced himself into a more jovial mood. That was the thing about Rob\u2014nobody could ever stay in a bad mood for long with Rob around. He was a perpetually happy baby\u2014even Adam said looking at Rob was like listening to a banjo.<\/p>\n<p>\u201cWas Grandpa scary?\u201d Ben said with a grin. \u201cI didn\u2019t mean to be. Here, sit with me for a minute.\u201d He strode over to the bench under the big cottonwood tree and put the boy on his knee to bounce. Rob grinned back and put a finger in his mouth as Ben looked at Tilly. \u201cWhere is Audun?\u201d<\/p>\n<p>\u201cI knew you couldn\u2019t keep that benevolent act up for long,\u201d she drawled.<\/p>\n<p>\u201cYou know where he is. I can see it all over you.\u201d<\/p>\n<p>\u201cBen, I don\u2019t know. I have only the most general idea\u2014and I can\u2019t even tell you that\u2026yet.\u201d<\/p>\n<p>\u201cWhy not?\u201d He tried to keep the edge out of his voice, but was not entirely successful, and bounced his knee a little harder to make up for it.<\/p>\n<p>\u201cI promised,\u201d she replied calmly. \u201cI\u2019ll tell you on Sunday if he\u2019s not back by then.\u201d<\/p>\n<p>Ben stopped and gave Tilly a milk-curdling look. \u201cThis is that Nez Perce hocus-pocus.\u201d<\/p>\n<p>\u201cIt isn\u2019t hocus-pocus to Audun.\u201d<\/p>\n<p>\u201cAnd you\u2019re willing to risk his life so he can take this\u2026this\u2026rite of passage, or whatever it is? You understand, don\u2019t you, that your own husband wasn\u2019t willing to take that risk?\u201d<\/p>\n<p>Tilly\u2019s chin came up abruptly, and Ben knew he was in trouble.<\/p>\n<p>\u201cI know Adam pretty well,\u201d she said. \u201cWell enough to recognize when he\u2019s wrong.\u201d<\/p>\n<p>\u201cAudun is twelve years old, and you expect him to spend a week in the wilderness with no food, no water, no weapons, and no horse? And it\u2019s <em>Adam<\/em> who\u2019s wrong for not wanting him to? Tilly, a timber wolf attacked Joe out there\u2014a few months ago we shot a cougar in the\u2014\u201d<\/p>\n<p>\u201cI don\u2019t care if you pulled a bear off Hop Sing yesterday,\u201d Tilly replied. \u201cHaven\u2019t you seen that Audun\u2019s feeling the pull? He\u2019s a child of two peoples, whether he was meant to be or not, and the harder you and Adam try to drag Audun into the white world, the more he\u2019s going to hang onto the Indian\u2014and if Adam\u2019s not careful he\u2019s going to lose him.\u201d<\/p>\n<p>\u201cI might believe that if his mother had been an Indian. But she was as white as you or I, and\u2014\u201d<\/p>\n<p>\u201cSkin color doesn\u2019t matter. He\u2019s still as much a Nimiipuu as he is a Cartwright, and you can\u2019t destroy the Indian in him without destroying his love. Adam can\u2019t see that either, and maybe I\u2019m wrong to expect him to\u2014he\u2019s too weighed down with guilt to see anything clearly. The only way to resolve this is to let Audun make the choice himself, and all we can do is wait him out.\u201d<\/p>\n<p>The two of them had been too busy with their argument to notice the boy in Ben\u2019s lap, but a loud grunt got their attention, and Ben stared at Rob to see him squinting and squirming. Then the baby opened his eyes with a delighted expression as the smell assaulted their nostrils. Ben rose to his feet with a grimace and silently handed him over to Tilly, who was sporting a grin far too broad for a woman with an unpleasant chore ahead of her.<\/p>\n<p>\u201cI thought you\u2019d know better, Ben,\u201d she called over her shoulder as she took Robin back to the house. \u201cIt never stops, after all. The bigger the boy, the bigger the mess to clean. And you might want to change trousers; you\u2019ve got a big spot on your knee.\u201d<\/p>\n<p><em>Rob, Audun, Joe and Adam.<\/em> <em>Even Hoss and me.<\/em> <em>All of us with enormous messes to clean up.<\/em> <em>Tilly can be damned tiresome<\/em>. He went in to change.<\/p>\n<p><strong>Chapter 24<\/strong><\/p>\n<p><strong><em>June, 1875<\/em><\/strong><\/p>\n<p><em>Just when had the cracks begun to show?<\/em> Adam wondered as he shifted to a different part of the lumpy straw mattress. The logical, detached part of his brain replied, <em>You\u2019ll have to be more specific. The cracks between you and Tilly? You and your father? You and your brothers? You and your son? Or just you?<\/em><\/p>\n<p>\u201cThe cracks with Pa were always there,\u201d he reflected aloud. \u201cI just didn\u2019t realize it until the last couple of years I was home. Pa always thought he knew what was best.\u201d<\/p>\n<p>\u201cWhat in tunket are you muttering about?\u201d Joe demanded sleepily.<\/p>\n<p>\u201cNothing,\u201d Adam mumbled. \u201cSorry.\u201d<\/p>\n<p><em>Guess I got used to having the room to myself. Joe hardly ever used it. I need to be quiet. Of course, I should be sleeping. We\u2019re leaving in the morning. <\/em><\/p>\n<p><em>I\u2019ve lost Tilly. I know that\u2026Oh, hell, I didn\u2019t lose her; I sent her away. She\u2019s gone now; I\u2019m not going to think about that.<\/em><\/p>\n<p><em>I wonder what Audun\u2019s up to. Please God, let him still be there when I get home\u2026and then I\u2019m going to have to let him go find his damned w\u00e1yakin, whether I like it or not. If I don\u2019t let him do it, I\u2019ll lose him too.<\/em><\/p>\n<p><strong><em>August, 1874<\/em><\/strong><\/p>\n<p>\u201cGawd!\u201d It was always the same; no matter how prepared he thought he was, jumping naked into the frigid waters of the Snake River brought new meaning to the word \u201cgasp.\u201d<\/p>\n<p>\u201cHead under again\u2014and stop talking unless you\u2019re very thirsty,\u201d Audun admonished.<\/p>\n<p>Adam ducked under again, staying for a minute or so. It didn\u2019t help. When he surfaced he was still shivering. \u201cAudun, there is no time on earth I feel as distinctly <em>white<\/em> as when I do this.\u201d<\/p>\n<p>\u201cIt\u2019s only because you haven\u2019t spent the last few years of your life doing it. When you first came home and were ill, I stopped for a while because I didn\u2019t want to leave you, and it was hard to start again. But I think the lake is colder than this river.\u201d<\/p>\n<p>\u201cI still don\u2019t understand why it\u2019s necessary.\u201d Adam shuddered again, staying submerged to the neck in hopes that he\u2019d go numb soon.<\/p>\n<p>\u201cMany reasons\u2014it keeps you clean, it toughens your whole body to withstand the elements, it purifies your spirit and makes you more\u2026I think the word is \u2018virile\u2019\u2014\u201d<\/p>\n<p>\u201c<em>Virile?<\/em>\u201d<\/p>\n<p>\u201cSure. Once your male parts can withstand the shock of icy water, they\u2019re much more capable when it comes to simple things like breeding. Women aren\u2019t nearly as cold as running water.\u201d<\/p>\n<p>Every available bit of bodily warmth Adam still possessed lodged in his face. He did not want to have this sort of conversation. Although, looking at the bright side, at least they\u2019d never need to have the birds-and-bees talk. Audun probably knew more than he did.<\/p>\n<p>He cleared his throat. \u201cHow does it purify your spirit?\u201d<\/p>\n<p>Audun laughed. \u201cWhat was the first thing you said just now? All your thoughts were on the Creator then, weren\u2019t they?\u201d<\/p>\n<p>\u201cTrue,\u201d he agreed.<\/p>\n<p>\u201cBody and spirit have to work together to make a warrior,\u201d Audun lectured.<\/p>\n<p>\u201cI\u2019m not a warrior.\u201d<\/p>\n<p>\u201cThat\u2019s not what my mother told me. She told me my whole life what a brave warrior you were\u2014and she never lied. She told me how you killed so many of the Shoshone who wanted to take her away, and\u2014\u201d<\/p>\n<p>\u201cI had to fight them, but I\u2019m not proud of that.\u201d<\/p>\n<p>\u201cNo warrior wants war, but he never runs from it when it comes.\u201d<\/p>\n<p>Adam made a face and swam out to the deeper water. As it always did, his body slowly began to feel warmer, and he paddled around for a while, just enjoying himself.<\/p>\n<p>\u201cDon\u2019t forget to wash,\u201d Audun reminded him.<\/p>\n<p>\u201cSpoilsport,\u201d Adam said. \u201cWhere are all the other men? I thought you said all the warriors do this each morning, but I only see us two.\u201d<\/p>\n<p>\u201cThey\u2019ll be out later. Most of them take a sweat bath first; then they jump in the water. You\u2019re not tough enough for that yet, Father. I hope to build you up to it before we leave, though.\u201d<\/p>\n<p>\u201cUm\u2026how long do you think we\u2019re going to be here?\u201d Adam asked, hoping he didn\u2019t sound impatient. They had been with the Nimiipuu six weeks already, and not only was Shomoqula not dead, but he seemed to be getting better.<\/p>\n<p>\u201cAt least until we join the Wallowa band up north,\u201d came the prompt reply. \u201cYou must meet them, and I must see where they live. Silver Salmon\u2014Timothy\u2014cannot keep writing letters. Given the way the white people are behaving, I don\u2019t think he will be able to count on favors from friendly whites much longer.\u201d<\/p>\n<p>That much was true, Adam reflected. He had been picking up some \u201cNimiipuutimpt\u201d words and phrases in addition to what Audun had taught him on the way, and what he had been hearing was bad. In fact, one conversation he\u2019d heard was so unbelievable he had asked Audun to correct him, but it turned out he had heard it right: an elderly Nimiipuu woman had recently been hacked to death with pick-axes by angry miners who had not found gold on their claim.<\/p>\n<p>But Audun seemed determined to keep in touch with his Indian family. He was even talking about coming back for annual visits\u2014not an idea that appealed greatly to Adam. Sure, Ben could get along without him and Audun for a few weeks, but Adam had a job in town now. Besides, he wasn\u2019t sure Tilly would want to come on such a trip, and he certainly didn\u2019t want to be separated from her for two or three months each year. As things were he had just barely avoided a few embarrassing situations, like the first night when Timothy sent over three women with instructions for Adam to pick one\u2014or two if he wanted. Audun hadn\u2019t told him about that custom, and it had only been resolved after explaining to the amused Timothy that white law only permitted a man one wife and no other women\u2014and his wife was a jealous one at that.<\/p>\n<p>\u201cDo you really think Tilly would attack you with a skillet, as you said?\u201d Audun asked him later.<\/p>\n<p>\u201cShe\u2019d come after me with <em>two<\/em>. And I\u2019m pretty sure Ruth would have felt the same way.\u201d<\/p>\n<p>\u201cBut you married Tilly while my mother was alive.\u201d<\/p>\n<p>\u201cI thought she was dead, or I never would\u2019ve done it.\u201d<\/p>\n<p>\u201cHuh,\u201d Audun scoffed. \u201cNimiipuu men can have as many wives as they can support.\u201d<\/p>\n<p>\u201cI don\u2019t think I care for that custom.\u201d<\/p>\n<p>\u201cI thought men liked to have lots of women.\u201d<\/p>\n<p>\u201cAudun, one woman is sensible. Put two together and it\u2019s a henhouse.\u201d<\/p>\n<p>\u201cThis much is true,\u201d Audun mused. \u201cBut still, those three were sad to leave you.\u201d<\/p>\n<p>\u201cWhy? I would\u2019ve thought they\u2019d gotten out of an unpleasant chore.\u201d<\/p>\n<p>\u201cOh, no\u2014they volunteered. Women never do anything against their will here, father.\u201d<\/p>\n<p>\u201cThree of them\u2026volunteered?\u201d<\/p>\n<p>\u201cWell, the third one wasn\u2019t exactly a woman, anyway\u2014he-she was a <em>berdache<\/em>. Timothy sent him-her just in case,\u201d Audun shrugged. \u201cBut yes, they volunteered. They probably wanted to see if it\u2019s true about white people being closer to the bears than the Indians.\u201d<\/p>\n<p>\u201cCloser to the bears? What does that mean?\u201d<\/p>\n<p>\u201cThere\u2019s a story that whites are descended from dogs and bears, because of the amount of hair they have. I think you would have pleased them, Father. You look like a bear when you remove your shirt, and even more when you don\u2019t shave for a few days.\u201d<\/p>\n<p>\u201cGood Lord,\u201d Adam drawled.<\/p>\n<p>\u201cNimiipuu don\u2019t shave. They don\u2019t grow much hair on their faces. And\u2026\u201d he grinned and pointed to Adam\u2019s slowly developing widow\u2019s peak\u2026\u201cthey don\u2019t go bald, either.\u201d<\/p>\n<p>\u201cNope. But the warriors put their hair in styles most white women would pay to have. Timothy\u2019s hair is almost what they call a <em>bouffant<\/em> over in France. Marie Antoinette had one.\u201d<\/p>\n<p>\u201cDon\u2019t tell Timothy,\u201d Audun chuckled.<\/p>\n<p>\u201cWell, don\u2019t laugh too loud or too long, son. You won\u2019t be able to say \u2018let them eat cake\u2019 much longer. You\u2019ll be twelve soon\u2026and it won\u2019t be long before you start growing \u2018bear\u2019 hair too.\u201d<\/p>\n<p>\u201cWho, me?\u201d<\/p>\n<p>\u201cThat\u2019s right. You only think you\u2019re an Indian. Your body knows better. You\u2019ll see.\u201d<\/p>\n<p><strong><em>June, 1875<\/em><\/strong><\/p>\n<p><em>Those were the good talks. Of course he was happy\u2026he was right. What he couldn\u2019t handle was knowing he was wrong. That came on the trip home.<\/em><\/p>\n<p><strong><em>October, 1874<\/em><\/strong><\/p>\n<p>Audun was talking a mile a minute, now and again forgetting himself and lapsing into Nimiipuutimpt out of habit. Adam was barely listening, thinking of Tilly and wondering if she\u2019d finally come out of the deep mourning she\u2019d been trying so hard to hide\u2026wondering if she\u2019d be glad to see him. There were times when she seemed far away.<\/p>\n<p>\u201cFather, I asked you a question.\u201d<\/p>\n<p>\u201cHuh? Sorry, Audun. What?\u201d<\/p>\n<p>\u201cI asked how you got that scar under your left arm. It looks like an arrow or a knife wound.\u201d<\/p>\n<p>\u201cIt was an arrow. Happened a long time ago.\u201d<\/p>\n<p>\u201cWho was it? Shoshone or Paiute?\u201d<\/p>\n<p>\u201cMatter of fact, I don\u2019t know. They were renegades who traveled with an outlaw.\u201d<\/p>\n<p>\u201cDoesn\u2019t matter,\u201d Audun shrugged. \u201cYou can never trust either one.\u201d<\/p>\n<p>Adam coughed. \u201cYou mean there\u2019s never been an honorable Shoshone or Paiute?\u201d<\/p>\n<p>\u201cOf course not.\u201d<\/p>\n<p>\u201cOh really? Does my experience count for nothing, son? I grew up among the Shoshone and Paiute. I knew a lot of good men in both tribes.\u201d<\/p>\n<p>\u201cThe Paiute and Shoshone are all thieves. Even your father said the Paiute steal his cattle.\u201d<\/p>\n<p>\u201cOnly when they\u2019re hungry. Audun, I hate to tell you this, but when a man\u2019s children are hungry, he\u2019ll go to most any length to feed them, whether he\u2019s white or Indian.\u201d<\/p>\n<p>\u201cThey\u2019re not hungry when they make war on the Nimiipuu. They\u2019re not hungry when they steal our horses. They raid us for horses every couple of years. Timothy has often told me of this.\u201d<\/p>\n<p>\u201cAnd you never went to the Shoshone to get horses?\u201d<\/p>\n<p>\u201cOf course not. We breed our own.\u201d<\/p>\n<p>\u201cThat\u2019s not what MeClark says.\u201d<\/p>\n<p>\u201cMeClark? Oh, you mean Alpatokate.\u201d<\/p>\n<p>\u201cHe calls himself MeClark. And he told me the first Nez Perce horses came from the Shoshone\u2014from trade.\u201d<\/p>\n<p>Audun huffed a little and did not reply.<\/p>\n<p>\u201cYou know something, Audun? You\u2019ve never known a single Shoshone or Paiute, but you think they\u2019re all bad just because Timothy told you they were.\u201d<\/p>\n<p>\u201cTimothy doesn\u2019t lie.\u201d<\/p>\n<p>\u201cDo I lie?\u201d<\/p>\n<p>Audun looked at him strangely. \u201cI have never known you to.\u201d<\/p>\n<p>\u201cDid your mother ever lie?\u201d<\/p>\n<p>\u201cOf course not!\u201d<\/p>\n<p>\u201cShe loved the Shoshone. And I had friends among the Shoshone and the Paiute. If people tell you conflicting stories but they\u2019re not lying, someone is mistaken. Think about it.\u201d<\/p>\n<p>Audun\u2019s jaw clenched then, and he did not reply.<\/p>\n<p><strong><em>June, 1875<\/em><\/strong><\/p>\n<p><em>What else could I have said that day? He was wrong. Still\u2026that was the first real disagreement we ever had, and after that, they seemed to get more frequent. <\/em><\/p>\n<p>He finally got to sleep\u2014just in time to hear Joe demand that he be ready to leave in five minutes.<\/p>\n<p><strong>Chapter 25<\/strong><\/p>\n<p><strong><em>June, 1875<\/em><\/strong><\/p>\n<p>Adam sighed as he led Sport and Cochise from the livery stable. <em>I wonder where Tilly is. Did she go to Germany? Or just back to Savannah? Why would she go to Savannah; there\u2019s nothing left for her there. What she wants is in Bavaria\u2014<u>if<\/u> he\u2019s still alive after that pasting I gave him. And not nearly as good-lookin\u2019 as he used to be, either&#8230;<\/em><\/p>\n<p>At least <em>that<\/em> thought gave him some satisfaction. Sure, he remembered now. He remembered all of it\u2026now. But things had been different once. Once there had been a time when he couldn\u2019t remember anything, when he stayed confused about his time on Grand Terre.<\/p>\n<p>He\u2019d known, as far back as the voyage to Britain\u2014once he became himself again\u2014that something was wrong with Tilly. His memory of that time was still unclear, but he could remember bits and pieces\u2026hearing mumbled conversations between Tilly and Liam, and repeated references to someone named \u2018Max.\u2019 The only Max he knew at the time was Tilly\u2019s old friend, and they had only met once in Paris for a few rounds of drinks, insults, and song.<\/p>\n<p>His memories of Scotland were dim and bewildering; Tilly had reminded him of an incident involving Queen Victoria and an Irish terrorist; his only recollections were of uniformed men sitting on his chest, and all his back injuries getting worse. He clearly remembered the last time he and Tilly had seen Liam, as they prepared to board the steamship that would take them to New York; he could envision with little difficulty the train trip across the United States\u2026but things grew foggy again after his arrival home. The first few days had been a blur of pain and a strange mix of familiar and unfamiliar faces and voices.<\/p>\n<p>Through it all, though, there had been Tilly, always knowing what was going on; where they were; when he needed medicine; how to get from one place to another. But, once, when she thought he was asleep, he thought he heard her crying. And he remembered\u2014not because he wanted to, but because it was seared into his brain\u2014her periodic murmurings of that name: Max.<\/p>\n<p><strong><em>October, 1874<\/em><\/strong><\/p>\n<p>\u201cOh, I\u2019m so glad you\u2019re home!\u201d She hugged him for the third time since his arrival: a little confusing, since she\u2019d never been demonstrative in front of other people. Not that he minded, though\u2014he hadn\u2019t seen her in four months, and was feeling a bit demonstrative himself. Audun paused in his unloading the wagon to eyeball them curiously for a moment, and then shrugged and returned to what he was doing. Lady continued to run circles around them, stopping only to growl at her interfering son Duke, who was dancing in circles of his own.<\/p>\n<p>Of course, then Pa and Hoss had showed up, and Joe and Alice, and Bonnie was pulling herself up on the coffee table and Robin wanted to be fed, and things went back to their usual chaos pretty fast. But every time Tilly wasn\u2019t busy doing something else, she was attached to Adam like a burr, bombarding him with questions and hanging on every word.<\/p>\n<p>By the time they went to bed that night he was convinced she was glad to have him back, and if he hadn\u2019t been then, she had certainly proved it right after their door was shut.<\/p>\n<p>The next day, though, Ben took him aside and informed him that Tilly had stopped attending church, and refused to even consider going back. \u201cI\u2019ve tried talking to her,\u201d his father told him, discomfort glistening like perspiration on his brow. \u201cShe said not only no but hell no.\u201d<\/p>\n<p>\u201cShe said that to you, Pa? And you let her?\u201d<\/p>\n<p>\u201cShe\u2019s your wife, not mine,\u201d Ben said resignedly. \u201cBesides\u2026\u201d he cleared his throat.<\/p>\n<p>\u201cShe said something else, I take it,\u201d Adam prompted.<\/p>\n<p>Ben looked down and harrumphed again. \u201cWe were in the kitchen at the time, and when I told her that people in my house followed the rules of my house, she said she had no problem leaving, and would Beth mind <em>nursing<\/em> Hoss\u2019s child from now on. And when I told her how unreasonable she was, she\u2026well, she was holding a skillet, and she asked me if I wanted some iron in my diet, because she was going to feed it to me.\u201d<\/p>\n<p>Adam laughed more in shock than anything else. \u201cAnd you didn\u2019t turn her over your knee?\u201d<\/p>\n<p>\u201cI don\u2019t discipline other men\u2019s wives. I expect you to handle it.\u201d<\/p>\n<p style=\"text-align: center;\">**<\/p>\n<p>Of course, Adam could have dealt with threats and shouting easily enough; they\u2019d had plenty of those arguments. <em>Funny, I don\u2019t talk much and I don\u2019t show my feelings much, so everyone assumes I don\u2019t have any. Tilly talks as much as she likes, but she won\u2019t show anyone how she feels unless she trusts them completely\u2014so people assume she doesn\u2019t feel much, either. But between the sheets\u2026or when we disagree\u2026well, I think a lot of people would be surprised at just how high our passions can run. In fact\u2026<\/em>he found himself smiling, because truth was, the occasional fight often led to some exceptionally good times between the sheets. Maybe this would be one of them. For the first time, he was looking forward to a fight.<\/p>\n<p>But when he asked if it was true that she had refused to go to church, she said, \u201c<em>That man<\/em> is there.\u201d He had no idea what that meant, but he\u2019d gotten no more than four words of his carefully prepared \u201can example for Audun\u201d speech out when she burst into tears and said she\u2019d rather eat rats again than set foot around \u201cthat odious man.\u201d This was the third time in seven years that he had seen her cry. And he realized there was no use fighting about this one.<\/p>\n<p style=\"text-align: center;\">**<\/p>\n<p>He noticed the neckerchief on the nightstand that first night after his return, and wondered what it was doing there, but it wasn\u2019t important enough to start a discussion about. But one night, when he awakened from a dream that was threatening to become a nightmare, he happened to turn over and put his arm around her\u2014and she flinched, shuddered, and slithered to the edge of the mattress. That was bad enough\u2014but then in the moonlight he saw the neckerchief. It was tied over her mouth.<\/p>\n<p>Why had the woman gagged herself?<\/p>\n<p>He waited a few minutes, until he was sure she was sleeping again, then inched over to her and untied it, letting it fall away from her face. Just a few minutes passed before she began to shiver, and to make the whimpering noises he usually enjoyed hearing\u2026and then she said softly, \u201cno\u2026\u201d A few minutes later she said it again\u2026and then came a shuddering sigh: \u201cMax.\u201d<\/p>\n<p>The next morning, she was as loving as ever. He said nothing of the incident, and neither did she. The neckerchiefs also disappeared from the nightstand, although when he woke up in the middle of the night she was always wearing one, and now they were double-knotted.<\/p>\n<p><strong>Chapter 26<\/strong><\/p>\n<p><strong><em>June, 1875<\/em><\/strong><\/p>\n<p>\u201cWhy\u2019re we stopping here?\u201d Adam asked as Joe turned off the dusty main road onto a smaller, dustier trail.<\/p>\n<p>Joe shrugged. \u201cI heard they\u2019ve got work.\u201d<\/p>\n<p>\u201cSo now we\u2019re gonna work on a ranch? Shucks, we coulda done that without leaving home.\u201d<\/p>\n<p>\u201cAdam, any time you\u2014\u201d<\/p>\n<p>\u201cI know, I can leave any time I want to. Why do you need a job?\u201d<\/p>\n<p>\u201cI\u2019m broke.\u201d<\/p>\n<p>\u201cI thought I got to that little redhead in time.\u201d<\/p>\n<p>Joe laughed. \u201cAdam, I knew she was cheatin\u2019. Next time, keep your interference to yourself.\u201d<\/p>\n<p>\u201cThat\u2019s an oxymoron.\u201d<\/p>\n<p>\u201cHuh? Who you callin\u2019 a moron?\u201d<\/p>\n<p>\u201cNever mind. You mean you really knew she was cheating? Why didn\u2019t you get rid of her?\u201d<\/p>\n<p>A shrug, and Joe smiled a little. \u201cShe kept my lap warm.\u201d<\/p>\n<p>\u201cLook, Joe\u2014I went to the bank before we left; I\u2019ve got money. You don\u2019t need to get a job.\u201d<\/p>\n<p>\u201cNot takin\u2019 your money.\u201d<\/p>\n<p>\u201cWhy?\u201d<\/p>\n<p>\u201cBecause I can take care of myself. I\u2019ll work for my own meals. And you don\u2019t need to stay.\u201d<\/p>\n<p>\u201cI\u2019m stayin\u2019.\u201d<\/p>\n<p>\u201cSuit yourself. You think you can do it? Pa took it easy on you at home, and then you were in that office with fellas who didn\u2019t know what blue sky looks like anyway.\u201d<\/p>\n<p>\u201cI can do whatever I set my mind to do,\u201d Adam retorted. \u201cI figure you\u2019d know that. You\u2019ve seen me work before, and one thing I never was, was a shirker.\u201d<\/p>\n<p>\u201cYou were younger then, too.\u201d<\/p>\n<p>Adam just looked with resigned patience to the heavens.<\/p>\n<p>The next day he was questioning his sanity. They had hired on just for the spring roundup and branding, for a payment of $25 each. The Ponderosa had always\u2014even before the halcyon days\u2014paid cow punchers $30 a month. In good times they paid $40. Accepting $25, Adam thought, settling into his lumpy bottom bunk, was almost like paying for the privilege of working.<\/p>\n<p>But then again, Old Man Davis was in trouble. His whole spread could barely support the beef he had, and he didn\u2019t have that much. Joe had muttered something like \u201cI thought they made the Indians take all the dumps, but they musta missed this spot,\u201d and Adam had to agree. Part of the place was situated in what Joe dubbed \u201cthe devil\u2019s back yard.\u201d There was a river a mile away, but it did little good for the supposed grazing land. Davis couldn\u2019t afford fences, either; hence the necessity of a roundup.<\/p>\n<p>It was silly, Adam thought. He could have made this much money in a single day at Becker and Lloyd; Joe could have returned to the Ponderosa, taken his job back at the lumber mill and made a hundred a month plus commission on sales. He could even have gone back as a cowhand and gotten fifty a month. But of course, Joe knew all this. There was no point in reminding him. Besides, Joe seemed to enjoy the physical labor. Adam had to admit there were times he did, too. It kept him too busy to think during the day and too sore and tired to think at night. Maybe that was what Joe liked about it. <em>Lord knows we both have plenty we\u2019d like to forget.<\/em><\/p>\n<p>On their last day, though, when they each collected their wages, Joe came to Adam, dragged him away from the other men, and sat him down on a dangerously sagging corral cross-board. \u201cI\u2019ve got a proposal for you, Adam. Don\u2019t say anything till I\u2019m done talking.\u201d<\/p>\n<p>Adam crossed his arms and waited, praying to God this proposal would involve returning home.<\/p>\n<p>\u201cAdam\u2026can you lend me a thousand dollars?\u201d<\/p>\n<p>That had not been in any of the scenarios Adam imagined. He had thus far imagined Joe getting himself into trouble with Old Man Davis\u2019s pretty daughter; Joe finally beating the tar out of one particularly obnoxious hand who insisted on calling Joe \u201cOld Man Joe\u201d because of his hair; or even Joe tangling again with Pilcher, the foreman, over the correct age to cut the calves. (Pilcher held a ridiculous view that it should be done at six months; the Cartwrights had always done it at two. Pilcher said Joe was just angling for extra money.)<\/p>\n<p>\u201cYes, I have a thousand dollars,\u201d Adam said slowly. \u201cWhat do you want it for?\u201d<\/p>\n<p>\u201cLook, you wanted to give me money before. What does it matter?\u201d<\/p>\n<p>\u201cI just want to know what changed your mind.\u201d<\/p>\n<p>\u201cI want to fix up this place,\u201d Joe replied, with a shadow of his former winning grin. \u201cThink about it, Adam\u2014remember when old Jedediah Milbank sent us all on those stupid errands? Later we talked about what had happened to us while we were gone\u2026I remember you went out to some farm where you were supposed to evict the people; foreclose on their loan, or something\u2026\u201d<\/p>\n<p>\u201cParley,\u201d Adam recalled. \u201cYeah. I thought they\u2019d just had some bad luck, so I helped \u2019em out a little. So what? You didn\u2019t do your job either. Neither did Hoss, for that matter.\u201d<\/p>\n<p>\u201cIt\u2019s what you did I\u2019m talkin\u2019 about. Seems to me like Old Davis here is in a spot like the Parleys were when you helped \u2019em out. You know enough about irrigation to draw up the plans to get water from the river over here; and maybe I don\u2019t know that much about plans but I can by God dig a ditch all the way to Mexico if the notion hits me.\u201d<\/p>\n<p>\u201cBut are you sure nobody owns water rights to the\u2014\u201d<\/p>\n<p>\u201cAlready asked. Not a soul. That water\u2019s free for the takin\u2019, just as God intended.\u201d<\/p>\n<p>\u201cStill\u2026I don\u2019t know\u2026the terrain\u2019s pretty uneven. There\u2019d be a good month\u2019s worth of work just getting the land ready, and depending on the difference in levels, we might need to buy a couple of pumps to get the water to travel that far\u2026\u201d<\/p>\n<p>\u201cThat\u2019s what the money would go for. Machinery, equipment and labor to irrigate the land, maybe put up just a couple of proper fences. We could help these people, Adam.\u201d<\/p>\n<p>Adam thought it over. He doubted Davis had sense enough to make a go of it anyway, at least if he kept listening to the idiot Pilcher\u2026but this was the first constructive thing Joe had wanted to do since Alice\u2019s death. <em>Hell with Davis and Pilcher; if this will help Joe straighten out I\u2019ll give him the whole three thousand I brought with me.<\/em><\/p>\n<p>\u201cSure, Joe. Let\u2019s do it.\u201d<\/p>\n<p><strong>Chapter 27<\/strong><\/p>\n<p><strong><em>June, 1875<\/em><\/strong><\/p>\n<p>Hop Sing brought the team around just as Tilly came out. \u201cYou sure you don\u2019t want me to come, Missy Tilly? I not\u2014I mean, I am not\u2014going to town today.\u201d<\/p>\n<p>\u201cIt\u2019s all right, Hop Sing, really\u2014I just want to put some flowers\u2014\u201d<\/p>\n<p>\u201cI know velly\u2026very\u2026well what you want do, Missy Tilly. But I worry you being alone so far away. Nobody with you if you hurt, sick.\u201d<\/p>\n<p>\u201cWhy on earth would I be hurt or sick? I\u2019m healthy as a horse.\u201d<\/p>\n<p>\u201cMissy Tilly, you carry Mister Adam\u2019s baby. Does nobody else know this? <em>I<\/em> know. I cannot see how others here not know. You oughtta be in bed!\u201d<\/p>\n<p>\u201cI stayed in bed with the third one, and it only made it hurt more when I lost it. I said then I was done lying in bed waiting for my babies to die. And\u2026\u201d Tilly thought for a moment. \u201cYou can\u2019t come anyway. If you did, what would we do with the other babies? Bonnie and Robin couldn\u2019t come with us, and while I trust Duke to watch them for a minute or two at a time, he couldn\u2019t watch them for a couple of hours. Tell you what; I\u2019ll take Duke with me, and if anything happens I\u2019ll send him back for you; how\u2019s that?\u201d<\/p>\n<p>\u201cOkay,\u201d Hop Sing said reluctantly.<\/p>\n<p>\u201cHop Sing?\u201d<\/p>\n<p>\u201cYes?\u201d<\/p>\n<p>\u201cSomeday you must tell me where you go all those days you spend in town, and why your English is deteriorating.\u201d<\/p>\n<p>\u201cI go in Chinatown, Missy Tilly. Maybe that\u2019s why English not so good as you taught me.\u201d<\/p>\n<p>\u201cHmmm. You do realize, of course, that that\u2019s not a complete answer.\u201d<\/p>\n<p>\u201cYes, I do. Thank you, Missy Tilly.\u201d<\/p>\n<p>She chuckled as he helped her clamber into the wagon. A few minutes later Duke bounded out of the house and with a single leap, vaulted onto the seat beside her.<\/p>\n<p><em>For more than twenty years there was a solitary grave up by the lake,<\/em> she thought as she carefully climbed out of the wagon an hour and a half later. <em>Now the place is a genuine cemetery.<\/em><\/p>\n<p>Duke hopped down. \u201cYou get back up there,\u201d she said, motioning to the back of the wagon. \u201cGet the basket.\u201d He looked around, picked the basket up by the handle, and brought it to her. \u201cGood boy.\u201d She scratched his ears and walked off, with Duke happily trotting in circles around her. It still took some getting used to, no matter how many times she\u2019d been here; she sucked her breath in involuntarily at all the gravestones.<\/p>\n<p><em>Marie Cartwright\u2014In Loving Memory<\/em><\/p>\n<p><em>Lily Cartwright\u2014Sleep in Peace, God is Awake<\/em><\/p>\n<p><em>Veralyn Cartwright\u2014Disturb Not Her Dream<\/em><\/p>\n<p><em>Alice Cartwright\u2014In Quiet She Reposes<\/em><\/p>\n<p><em>John Harper\u2014Beloved Brother of Alice<\/em><\/p>\n<p>She bit her lip and determinedly, methodically, began to pull up the weeds and empty the dead flowers from the little vases to refill with the new ones she had brought. John Harper\u2026nobody knew much about him, but Joe had said Alice loved him, so there it was; he\u2019d earned a place in the family plot, along with fresh flowers. And Marie, Tilly had never known. But her baby\u2026and the two women she\u2019d called her sisters\u2026<\/p>\n<p>\u201cOh, God,\u201d she whispered.<\/p>\n<p><strong><em>February, 1874<\/em><\/strong><\/p>\n<p>\u201cHappy birthday!\u201d Alice and Veralyn shouted simultaneously as they burst into the house. The room was empty but for little Duke, and their voices seemed to echo as Tilly emerged from the kitchen.<\/p>\n<p>\u201cYou\u2019re early,\u201d she said with a grin, and threw her arms around them both. \u201cThank Heavens! I think Hop Sing really means to make me help him clean the oven!\u201d<\/p>\n<p>\u201cMissy Tilly!\u201d came Hop Sing\u2019s muffled voice, right on cue.<\/p>\n<p>\u201cWe\u2019ve got company, Hop Sing, I\u2019m busy!\u201d she shouted back. \u201cCome and sit down. Alice, how much has Bonnie grown this week? Any bigger and her father\u2019ll be teaching her to ride a horse!\u201d<\/p>\n<p>\u201cNot if I have anything to do with it,\u201d Alice replied cheerfully. \u201cJoe has all kinds of notions of teaching her to ride and rope and even quick-draw!\u201d<\/p>\n<p>\u201cLike father, like \u2018wish she\u2019d been a boy,\u2019\u201d Veralyn snickered.<\/p>\n<p>\u201cOh, but he covers it well,\u201d Alice said. \u201cHe insists all girls need to know these things too.\u201d<\/p>\n<p>\u201cThey do, if they want to protect themselves from wild boys like Joe used to be.\u201d<\/p>\n<p>\u201cI have a hard time imagining him that way.\u201d Alice shook her head. \u201cI know you knew him a long time back, Veralyn, but whenever I hear stories like that, it just sounds like somebody else.\u201d<\/p>\n<p>Tilly couldn\u2019t help a chuckle, but managed to keep her mouth shut. Veralyn, however\u2026<\/p>\n<p>\u201cHoss told me Joe even put the mash on Tilly when he met her.\u201d<\/p>\n<p>\u201cWhat?\u201d Alice cried, and looked at Tilly in alarm.<\/p>\n<p>Tilly made a face and shrugged. \u201cIt didn\u2019t come to anything. We met at a dance where we did a reel and a waltz together.\u201d<\/p>\n<p>\u201cAnd then he asked to bring you to the next one,\u201d Veralyn prompted.<\/p>\n<p>Tilly rolled her eyes. \u201cAnd I said no.\u201d<\/p>\n<p>\u201cThat\u2019s not what Hoss said!\u201d<\/p>\n<p>\u201cTilly!\u201d Alice cried.<\/p>\n<p>\u201cOh, for Pete\u2019s sake!\u201d Tilly threw her hands up in surrender. \u201cWhen he insisted, I finally said yes. But can you blame me? I thought he was\u2026\u201d<\/p>\n<p>\u201cOf course you did!\u201d Alice agreed.<\/p>\n<p>\u201cNo, not like that. He was like\u2026Come over here and look at this book.\u201d She sat down and opened the huge, heavy book Adam had bought her in Italy. It had been wildly expensive, and she\u2019d wondered at the time however he could have afforded it. It had been in the trunk they had shipped off with Liam; funny that their souvenirs had made it through in far better shape than the owners. They kept it on the coffee table nowadays since it was too tall for the bookcases.<\/p>\n<p>She paged through to the glossy black-and-white plate she wanted and pulled up the onionskin covering. \u201cHave you ever seen this?\u201d<\/p>\n<p>\u201cHe\u2019s naked!\u201d Alice covered her eyes.<\/p>\n<p>\u201cIt\u2019s <em>David<\/em>, by Michelangelo, isn\u2019t it?\u201d Veralyn asked. \u201cSo that\u2019s what it really looks like. The American and English art books always put a loincloth over him.\u201d<\/p>\n<p>\u201cI can see why.\u201d Alice peeked out.<\/p>\n<p>\u201cBut I don\u2019t mean <em>that<\/em>.\u201d Tilly half-shrugged. \u201cIn my younger days, I very much appreciated\u2026a certain physical type. If you\u2019d seen either of my late fianc\u00e9s, you would have seen the resemblance right away.\u201d<\/p>\n<p>\u201cYou mean they didn\u2019t wear clothes either?\u201d Veralyn winked.<\/p>\n<p>Tilly sighed. \u201cI just mean they had that same kind of\u2026I don\u2019t know, that lithe grace that Joe has.\u00a0 That was the only reason I ever paid Joe any attention. The problem was, I started talking to him at the second dance I went to\u2014the one I went to with <em>him<\/em>\u2014and, no offense meant, Alice, but we had nothing in common.\u201d<\/p>\n<p>Alice looked again at the picture, covering a portion of it with her shawl. \u201cI guess I must like that physical type too.\u201d<\/p>\n<p>\u201cI would think so\u2014that\u2019s what you married!\u201d Veralyn chuckled.<\/p>\n<p>\u201cBut that\u2019s not true for everybody,\u201d Tilly corrected. \u201cI never appreciated Adam\u2019s physical type in those days. I realized he was nice-looking in sort of an abstract way, but he was so dark, and there was just so much\u2026hair\u2026and he always looked a little sinister, at least until I got to know him better. The thing I appreciated about him was that he could talk about all the things I could talk about\u2014in some cases he knew more than I did. I don\u2019t think I came to appreciate the physical side of him until we were married.\u201d<\/p>\n<p>\u201cThat\u2019s just strange,\u201d Alice said.<\/p>\n<p>\u201cI don\u2019t think so,\u201d Tilly replied. \u201cIt was the same way with Adam, for me. He liked my eyes, he told me\u2014they were really the only part of me he noticed. The rest of me, he said, was a bit \u2018insubstantial.\u2019 Turned out he\u2019d always liked girls with meat on their bones. I remember once getting into an argument with him, and he referred to me falling on my not-so-well-padded backside. I coulda slapped\u2026anyway, I think we both really came to physically appreciate each other a little later than some, but it\u2019s all right\u2014it worked.\u201d<\/p>\n<p>\u201cI appreciated Hoss from the start,\u201d Veralyn said. \u201cEvery bit of him\u2014the way he looked and the way he moved, the way he talked\u2026everything. And Tilly, if you tell me you\u2019ve never realized, after all these years, the great advantages of being married to a man with a lot of hair, I\u2019ll be ashamed.\u201d<\/p>\n<p>\u201cEwww,\u201d Alice muttered. \u201cI\u2019m sorry, girls, really, but I\u2019ve seen both your husbands without their shirts, and they look like woolly sheepdogs.\u201d<\/p>\n<p>\u201cBut Veralyn\u2019s right,\u201d Tilly insisted with a giggle. \u201cYou can pull it when they make you mad, and tickle it when they make you happy\u2026\u201d<\/p>\n<p>\u201cAnd the best part is when you spoon they make great back-scratchers,\u201d Veralyn finished triumphantly, and soon they were all, as Joe said when he came in, cackling and squealing like a bunch of hens.<\/p>\n<p><strong><em>June, 1875<\/em><\/strong><\/p>\n<p>When Duke ran up, his blue eyes anxious and his forehead wrinkled in concern, she was lying on the ground, sobbing. He lay down next to her and pushed her arm aside with his nose so he could wriggle in closer and lick the tears. She threw both arms around him and wailed into his ruff, \u201cIt isn\u2019t fair!\u201d<\/p>\n<p>His heavy fur absorbed all subsequent commentary.<\/p>\n<p><strong>Chapter 28<\/strong><\/p>\n<p><strong><em>June, 1875<\/em><\/strong><\/p>\n<p>\u201c\u2026so then ole Clem pulled out his piece, and says \u2018Y\u2019all better get out while the gittin\u2019s good!\u2019 an\u2019 out comes three of the most bedraggled little chickens you ever seen\u2014durn if they wasn\u2019t Bantams, at that!\u201d Roy concluded, and Ben practically doubled over laughing.<\/p>\n<p>He\u2019d come into town mainly to get some flour, beans, and coffee, since he and Hoss would be heading out to look for Audun if he didn\u2019t show up tomorrow. It was Saturday; the stores would be closed tomorrow, and he had no intention of losing another day. He knew Tilly well enough to know that she wouldn\u2019t tell them an hour earlier than she had promised, and he didn\u2019t doubt she wouldn\u2019t break even under torture, though he was occasionally tempted to find out for certain. At any rate, he wasn\u2019t wasting time. He was going after that boy and then he\u2019d chain him to his own bed until Adam came back.<\/p>\n<p>He hadn\u2019t intended to stop off and see Roy, but it had put him in a better mood. He hadn\u2019t laughed in far too long\u2014hadn\u2019t had much to laugh about, at that. Beth was still staying in town, and this time Ben had taken Audun\u2019s advice and driven right past her store without stopping. Of course, from the look on Tinker John\u2019s face when Ben had walked into VC Dry Goods, the news would be out all over town by tomorrow that Ben Cartwright was shopping at the competition while his wife was staying in town. <em>Oh Lord, wagging tongues are a heavy cross to bear.<\/em><\/p>\n<p>Someone banged on the door, and then a lady walked in. She was just about Tilly\u2019s height, but her hair was an almost unreal shade of red-orange, and her face was mottled with freckles. \u201cAre you the sheriff, or you?\u201d she asked, looking from one to the other of them.<\/p>\n<p>\u201cI\u2019m Roy Coffee, ma\u2019am.\u201d Roy extended a courteous hand; she looked at it mistrustfully.<\/p>\n<p>\u201cI didn\u2019t ask your name. Are you the sheriff or not?\u201d<\/p>\n<p>\u201cYes ma\u2019am, I\u2019m the sheriff.\u201d<\/p>\n<p>\u201cWhere\u2019s your badge?\u201d<\/p>\n<p>\u201cRight\u2014oh.\u201d He picked it up from his desk. \u201cLooks like the little pin thing\u2019s busted, ma\u2019am. Sorry. But I really am the sheriff. Sheriff Roy Coffee. Now what can I do for you?\u201d<\/p>\n<p>\u201cI\u2019m looking for two men, and it\u2019s imperative that I find them. You seem to be the most likely person to know them.\u201d<\/p>\n<p>\u201cWhat are the names of the men, and what are they needed in connection with?\u201d<\/p>\n<p>\u201cI\u2019m not sure\u2026I think their initials are A and J. And they have the same last name\u2014it\u2019s Carter or Carton or Cassidy or\u2014dadblast it, I can\u2019t remember.\u201d<\/p>\n<p>Roy raised his eyebrows, but Ben stepped forward. \u201cCould it be Adam and Joseph Cartwright?\u201d<\/p>\n<p>\u201cAre you a deputy?\u201d the girl demanded.<\/p>\n<p>\u201cUm, no\u2014\u201d<\/p>\n<p>\u201cThen I have nothing to say to you.\u201d She turned back to Roy. \u201cJust a minute.\u201d She was carrying a carpetbag, which she opened and dumped out on his desk. About twenty books fell out, along with a smaller leather case, and, after a good fifteen minutes of excruciating searching, she finally produced a torn piece of paper.<\/p>\n<p>\u201cA and J Cartwright,\u201d she read, and then looked suspiciously at Ben. \u201cHow\u2019d you know?\u201d<\/p>\n<p>\u201cI\u2019m their father. My name is Ben Cartwright.\u201d<\/p>\n<p>\u201cProve it.\u201d<\/p>\n<p>\u201cHe is, ma\u2019am,\u201d Roy spoke up. \u201cHe\u2019s lived here for thirty years; I know the whole family.\u201d<\/p>\n<p>She looked over at Ben again, as if to remember him from then on. \u201cAll right, I guess I\u2019ll take his word for it. Where can I find these two, A and J, Adam and Joseph?\u201d<\/p>\n<p>\u201cI\u2019m afraid they\u2019re out of town for an indefinite period, ma\u2019am,\u201d Ben replied; somehow her stance and demanding tone reminded him of old Abel Stoddard in the strangest way.<\/p>\n<p>\u201cDammit!\u201d she muttered, while Ben and Roy exchanged a shocked glance. \u201cYou\u2019re their father and you don\u2019t know when they\u2019ll be back?\u201d<\/p>\n<p>\u201cPerhaps if you could tell me the nature of your business with my sons, I could help you. When did you meet them?\u201d<\/p>\n<p>\u201cHell\u2019s bells, Mister, I\u2019ve never met \u2019em. I just got their names in this note.\u201d<\/p>\n<p>\u201cOne of them wrote you a note?\u201d<\/p>\n<p>\u201cNo!\u201d she sighed, looking at him as if he were mentally deficient again. \u201cI wrote this when I talked to the people back at Randolph. I\u2019ve been looking for \u2019em for nearly a year.\u201d<\/p>\n<p>\u201cRandolph?\u201d Roy repeated, looking as bewildered as Ben felt.<\/p>\n<p>\u201cRandolph Home for the Insane,\u201d she said, and Roy and Ben exchanged another glance, both wondering if perhaps this woman had been a patient there.<\/p>\n<p>\u201cLook here, Mister Cartwright,\u201d she went on, with a too-obvious attempt at politeness, \u201cif it makes you feel any better, they\u2019re not in trouble. I just want to know their connection with my cousin, and if they can tell me if she\u2019s alive and where to find her.\u201d<\/p>\n<p>\u201cYour cousin\u2026\u201d Ben repeated helplessly.<\/p>\n<p>\u201cYes, my cousin. Mathilde Hoffman. We called her Tilly.\u201d<\/p>\n<p>\u201cTilly!\u201d Ben exclaimed. \u201cShe\u2019s my daughter-in-law!\u201d<\/p>\n<p>The girl looked askance at him. \u201cIs there anybody you\u2019re not related to? I\u2019m not jokin\u2019 here\u2014I\u2019ve traveled about 7,000 miles to find her, and if you\u2019re joshin\u2019 me\u2014\u201d<\/p>\n<p>\u201cTilly married my son Adam in February of 1869, and she\u2019s lived in my house for almost two years,\u201d Ben said. \u201cAsk Roy.\u201d<\/p>\n<p>\u201cHow can I? You two could be covering each other six ways to Sunday. Describe Tilly.\u201d<\/p>\n<p>Ben sighed and glanced heavenward. \u201cShe\u2019s almost your height, and about the same build; she has curly black hair and very blue eyes\u2026she corrects everyone\u2019s grammar\u2026and I\u2019m told she plays the piano. I know she sings passably well. She used to be a schoolteacher, and she speaks several languages. And I think she can quote every poem ever written.\u201d<\/p>\n<p>\u201cWell, that does sound like Tilly\u2026\u201d She thought it over, then stuck out her hand. \u201cIn that case I guess I\u2019m glad to meet you. I\u2019m Dr. Charlotte Hoffman.\u201d<\/p>\n<p>His hand froze of its own volition. \u201cDoctor?\u201d<\/p>\n<p>\u201cYes. Specializing in women\u2019s complaints, but I\u2019ve been known to cut open a few men as well.\u201d<\/p>\n<p>Ben found himself wondering if the men had been willing and anesthetized, but before he could form any definite questions, Charlotte Hoffman said, \u201cDid I understand you to say Tilly\u2019s married? And to a son of yours?\u201d<\/p>\n<p>\u201cYou did. She\u2019s out at the Ponderosa now\u2014do you want to see her?\u201d<\/p>\n<p>\u201cI didn\u2019t come halfway around the world to <em>not<\/em> see her. Where, and what, is the Ponderosa?\u201d<\/p>\n<p>\u201cThat\u2019s my ranch. I can take you there if you like.\u201d<\/p>\n<p>\u201cI assuredly do NOT like. Mister, I normally don\u2019t even talk to men I haven\u2019t been properly introduced to\u2014I\u2019m certainly not gonna ride off into the woods with you. You tell Tilly I\u2019m here and am staying at the International House. I\u2019ll expect to see her tomorrow after church.\u201d<\/p>\n<p>Ben nodded. \u201cIs there any message I should give her?\u201d<\/p>\n<p>\u201cI just gave it to you,\u201d Dr. Hoffman said with some asperity. Shaking her head severely, she turned and left.<\/p>\n<p>\u201cYou know,\u201d Roy said as the door slammed, \u201cI used to think Tilly was a little odd. Now I\u2019m thinkin\u2019 I owe her an apology.\u201d<\/p>\n<p>\u201cYeah,\u201d Ben breathed, his eyebrows finally coming back down to normal.<\/p>\n<p>&nbsp;<\/p>\n<p><strong>Chapter 29<\/strong><\/p>\n<p><strong><em>June, 1875<\/em><\/strong><\/p>\n<p>He was twelve years old\u2026and ashamed.<\/p>\n<p>Most Nimiipuu children his age had already gone on their w\u00e1yakin quest. They knew their names; they knew which spirit guided them. They knew who they were. They knew the ways of their fathers. They <em>knew<\/em>.<\/p>\n<p>And he\u2026hadn\u2019t\u2026and didn\u2019t.<\/p>\n<p>The name his Norwegian-descended mother had given him was Audun. It meant \u201cdeserted.\u201d He knew now why he had that name, but if the things in her letter to his father were true\u2014and his mother never lied\u2014then the name she had given him was meaningless. He had never been deserted. Not voluntarily, anyway\u2014his father had looked desperately for his mother, but his own health had failed him, and then his family had convinced him that she must be dead. Years later, she had managed to contact his family\u2014and then she had left Audun behind to go to the stars. She hadn\u2019t wanted to leave him. She had stayed longer than anyone thought she would, in spite of the pain it cost her, just because she didn\u2019t want to leave him. So neither of his parents had deserted him.<\/p>\n<p>Most Nimiipuu went alone into the mountains when they were nine or ten. But when he was nine, his mother was dying, and he would not leave her. She died just before he turned ten, and while he was still mourning her, his grandfather had come for him. He spent the next year trying to understand his grandfather, but few things about the Soyapo made sense. And just before his eleventh birthday, his father returned from overseas\u2014but he was hurt and sick. Audun\u2019s mother had been a healer, a good one. Audun had learned much from her and from the Nimiipuu shamans, and he had been able to help his father. With Audun\u2019s care, and the help of the Creator and two Soyapo doctors, his father had recovered. Then other things had intervened; school, death, ranch work, more death. He had to think of those things.<\/p>\n<p>But now there could be no more delays; Audun had to think of himself. He had been with the Soyapo nearly two years, but the Nimiipuu ways were ingrained in him just as much as the swirls on the skin of his fingers and toes. He had to make his quest. Otherwise he would never know. Thus\u2026the deception. He didn\u2019t much care for leaving them all with no word, but this meant something. Tilly was a good woman, and she had helped.<\/p>\n<p>Now, he was where he needed to be, doing what he needed to do. He had been out here a full five days; he had built his mounds of stone to make him receptive to the spirits\u2014and to make Coyote receptive to him. If he wanted Coyote for a w\u00e1yakin, he would have to get his attention. Finally, he had prayed to the Old Man in the Stars and waited patiently. He was still waiting, albeit less patiently than before. He had seen the sun, felt the wind, and talked to a great many animals\u2026but none of them had spoken to him. He had not seen or even heard a coyote anywhere near. Either Coyote didn\u2019t want him, or someone else wanted him more. But it had been five days, and one could bear hunger, thirst, heat, and sand only so long. It was the dizziness that made it really bad.<\/p>\n<p>Still, he would not go back without a w\u00e1yakin. If he didn\u2019t find one, he wouldn\u2019t go back at all. Three men had already given him pieces of their spirits. There would be no fourth.<\/p>\n<p><strong><em>March, 1866<\/em><\/strong><\/p>\n<p>\u201cI found him,\u201d a man called, holding the baby up over his head. \u201cHe was running into the woods.\u201d<\/p>\n<p>\u201cAudun!\u201d the golden-haired woman shouted frantically, rushing up to grab the toddler. She bowed her head, and in halting Nimiipuutimpt said, \u201cHonored chief\u2026I\u2026givingly thanks.\u201d<\/p>\n<p>\u201cOwd\u2026owd\u2026\u201d the chief tried to say. \u201cOwd\u2019n is his name? What does it mean?\u201d<\/p>\n<p>\u201cIt means he was left alone,\u201d Silver Salmon snapped. \u201cHis father was no good.\u201d<\/p>\n<p>\u201cNo\u2026no, I should not have made such a thinking,\u201d protested the woman in her broken Nimiipuutimpt. \u201cIt is sorry for wrong thoughts. Not know your tongue sayingly my heart good, not yet.\u201d<\/p>\n<p>Hinmahtooyahlatkekt turned to the woman they had named <em>Taxsnim Wiwayko<\/em>\u2014Bark of Willow Tree. \u201cIt\u2019s unlucky for a child to have such a name, especially a child without a father or grandparents. And he is too small for his w\u00e1yakin to have manifested.\u201d<\/p>\n<p>Silver Salmon stepped up. \u201cI will share my own with him, Hinmahtooyahlatkekt, if you and the woman will let me.\u201d<\/p>\n<p>The chief considered. \u201cA salmon is a good w\u00e1yakin\u2014it is determined and always finds its way home. This boy\u2019s father never found his way home, so a salmon would help. But for a small child, he gets into too much trouble for a salmon alone to be his protector. I will share my w\u00e1yakin with him too.\u201d<\/p>\n<p>The chief\u2019s second wife, Springtime, gasped. \u201cWith a Soyapo? Is it allowed for a chief to share his guardian spirit with a white child?\u201d<\/p>\n<p>\u201cIf it wasn\u2019t before, it is now,\u201d he said, gesturing to Silver Salmon. \u201cWe will have the ceremony now, before something happens to him.\u201d<\/p>\n<p>Silver Salmon cleared his throat. \u201cHear me, sky and stars; hear me, my brethren. I am Ohchorhynchus Kisutch, Silver Salmon, son of Yellow Dawn, grandson of Wounded Head of the Otter Band. My w\u00e1yakin is the mighty river salmon who fights his way home and feeds our people. My spirit is strong enough to share with this boy. He is now under the protection of the salmon.\u201d<\/p>\n<p>Chief Thunder grunted his approval and then raised his voice. \u201cHear me, sky and stars; hear me, my people! I am Hinmahtooyahlatkekt, Thunder Traveling Down the Mountains from Loftier Heights. I am chief of the people of the Wallowa. My spirit is strong enough to share with this boy. So is my name. He is now <em>Hinmimipelikt<\/em>, Little Thundercloud, and the thunder from the heavens will protect him.\u201d<\/p>\n<p><strong><em>July, 1874<\/em><\/strong><\/p>\n<p>\u201cLittle Thunder\u2026you must listen to me.\u201d<\/p>\n<p>\u201cI am listening, Pil\u00e1c.\u201d Audun smiled at his Indian grandfather.<\/p>\n<p>Shmoqula did not smile back. \u201cI am going away tonight.\u201d<\/p>\n<p>\u201cNo, Pil\u00e1c, you are stronger now than you were when I arrived. You are getting better, not worse. You will not die soon.\u201d<\/p>\n<p>\u201cI said you must listen to me\u2026<em>Owd\u2019n Cott-wight<\/em>.\u201d<\/p>\n<p>Audun gasped.<\/p>\n<p>\u201cAh, now I have your attention. If I had my will, I would help show you the path to manhood. But the Creator has chosen others for that honor. Your <em>qal\u00e1c<\/em> and your <em>t\u00f3t<\/em> will help you.\u201d<\/p>\n<p>\u201cI don\u2019t see how, Pil\u00e1c. My <em>qal\u00e1c<\/em>\u2014my father\u2019s father\u2014and my <em>t\u00f3t<\/em>, my Soyopo father, don\u2019t know the Nimiipuu ways, and they don\u2019t think I need to.\u201d<\/p>\n<p>\u201cThey may be right, once you are grown,\u201d Shmoqula murmured. \u201cI cannot see the future, and the Old Man in the Stars uses a different map for each of us. Soon you will go back to the Soyapo, and until you find out which path to take as a man, you need protection.\u201d<\/p>\n<p>\u201cBut I have it, Pil\u00e1c\u2014everyone knows the story of how Silver Salmon and Chief Thunder shared their spirits with me.\u201d<\/p>\n<p>\u201cYes, and it was good that they did, else you might not have lived so long. But you are old not to have a spirit of your own.\u201d<\/p>\n<p>\u201cI\u2019ll get one soon, I promise. If you will just promise me to get well, I\u2019ll go in the morning.\u201d<\/p>\n<p>\u201cYou can\u2019t go without preparation, Little Thunder\u2026and I cannot stay. Nor do I want to. I\u2019ve seen seventy-four summers here; I was a little boy when the first Soyapo explorers befriended us. They\u2019ve been dead a long time\u2026and I am ready now to see what the next world is like. You know the custom. The dying man picks the one to inherit his spirit. I have no children but you, my grandson. Give me your hand.\u201d<\/p>\n<p>Dazed, he did, and Shmoqula said quietly, \u201cHear me, sky and stars\u2026I am Shmoqula of the Otter Band of the Nimiipuu; I am also called Laqa, the Pine Tree. My w\u00e1yakin is the White Pine, he who never forgets. I will soon travel to the next world. My guardian spirit I leave behind with this one, my grandson Little Thunder, who must never forget.\u201d<\/p>\n<p><strong><em>June, 1875<\/em><\/strong><\/p>\n<p>He was twelve years old\u2026and proud. He had achieved what he sought, surprising though it had been, for the spirit that wanted him was not what he had thought it would be. He owed his horse\u2014and Tilly\u2014an apple, for the coyote was not his w\u00e1yakin. But he was pretty sure he would never pay off that bet, because he was also pretty sure he was dying.<\/p>\n<p>But he had what he had come for. He would enter the spirit world as a man.<\/p>\n<p>Blood was running down his calf\u2014unable to suck the poison out, he had sliced his leg open and squeezed, but he doubted it would do any good. Weakly, he stared up at the searing sun. \u201cAh, Creator,\u201d he sighed, \u201cAlways you\u2019ve shouted at me when a whisper would have sufficed. I wanted to be a healer; my father wanted me to be white. Dr. Martin always told me that among whites, a serpent means healing. Among the Nimiipuu, he means wisdom and rebirth. But, oh my Creator, did it have to be a rattlesnake?\u201d<\/p>\n<p><strong>Chapter 30<\/strong><\/p>\n<p><strong><em>June, 1875<\/em><\/strong><\/p>\n<p>Hop Sing was in the front yard unhitching the wagon when Ben rode in; the two toddlers were sitting on the porch with Ceirdwyn, stuffing their rattles into her ears. Hop Sing was keeping one eye on them and the other on the task he was performing, and as a result, he was not doing either very well. And the horses and wagon were all as muddy as if they\u2019d been through a landslide.<\/p>\n<p>\u201cWhere\u2019ve you been?\u201d Ben asked, joining in the unhitching.<\/p>\n<p>\u201cNowhere. I stay here, watch babies. Missy Tilly go out. You better be careful, Mr. Cartl\u2026I mean\u2026Cartwright. She in mean mood. Come in house saying things nobody ever heard before; she doesn\u2019t unhitch horses, doesn\u2019t check on babies. Sit in front of fire and drink. Been home nearly one hour. Berate my English more. Drink brandy. Who knows? Crazy woman.\u201d<\/p>\n<p>Tilly had never been exactly predictable, but with Adam\u2019s latest absence she\u2019d been irritable and short-tempered. \u201cWhere\u2019d she go?\u201d He couldn\u2019t think of anyone she would have gone to see who would have upset her\u2014he couldn\u2019t think of her going to see anyone at all, of late\u2014but there was really no telling these days.<\/p>\n<p>\u201cGraveyard. She takes flowers up every week. You didn\u2019t know? She usually comes back sad but today\u2026whew, boy.\u201d<\/p>\n<p>\u201cMaybe I\u2019d better go see what she\u2019s doing\u2014and make her stop,\u201d Ben muttered, leaving Hop Sing to finish the horses. He noticed the mud tracked across the porch and stopped Rob from eating it as he made a mental note tell Tilly to clean it up. They all had people they loved up at the little cemetery by the lake, after all; she\u2019d had a year to grieve for her lost child. And this behavior was really unfair to Hop Sing.<\/p>\n<p>He\u2019d thought he was prepared for what he would find, but he was wrong. He had expected the mud tracked across the floor. But he didn\u2019t expect to find her in his chair with a mostly empty brandy bottle\u2014a bottle that had been unopened that morning when he\u2019d left. He didn\u2019t expect the mud on her boots to be crusted all over her dress, hands, and face too. He sure didn\u2019t expect to find her singing <em>Aupr\u00e8s de ma Blonde<\/em>, the tavern song Marie had used to sing to lull Little Joe to sleep as a baby.<\/p>\n<p>She gave him an unfocused grin and waved her glass at him. \u201cJoin me, Ben. They say drinking alone\u2019s bad for you.\u201d<\/p>\n<p>\u201cWhat do you think you\u2019re doing?\u201d he demanded in his best Ben Cartwright voice.<\/p>\n<p>She looked back, unfazed. \u201cYou are surprisingly unobservant for a man of your age. I just told you\u2014I\u2019m drinking all your brandy. See?\u201d She waved again, and then he noticed the empty decanter between the chair and the fireplace.<\/p>\n<p>\u201cYou\u2019ve been here less than an hour, and you\u2019ve already emptied almost two full bottles?\u201d<\/p>\n<p>\u201cYou can\u2019t empty a full bottle. That is a classic oxymoron. A full bottle is, by definition, full. The question you really want to ask is, \u2018have I emptied two bottles?\u2019 And the answer is \u2018not quite, but give me another moment\u2014\u2019 and there we go. Dead soldier.\u201d She looked proud of herself. \u201cYes, you are now correct. Of course, one is the decanter, and I\u2019m pretty sure it doesn\u2019t hold more than two-thirds of a bottle. Maybe only half\u2014and if that\u2019s the case I do feel gypped.\u201d<\/p>\n<p>With that she flung the bottle into the empty fireplace, where it crashed and made a few little wet streaks on the way down. She appeared to be preparing the glass and the decanter for the same fate when he grabbed them from her. \u201cWhat are you <em>doing<\/em>?\u201d he repeated. \u201cTilly, have you gone insane?\u201d<\/p>\n<p>\u201cDon\u2019t think I haven\u2019t asked myself that,\u201d she said with a chuckle. \u201cIf it was good enough for my father, why wouldn\u2019t it be good enough for me? Oh, I know. We can have \u2018brain fever,\u2019 but madness isn\u2019t allowed, not for ladies. And ladies mustn\u2019t get drunk. Then we might be unwell. Unwell, see, because only gentlemen vomit. Regular guys just puke. But ladies are \u2018unwell.\u2019 We never become pregnant, either\u2014we go into confinement. And we don\u2019t grieve for all the children we lose; we trust in the Lord and are rewarded by having more dead children\u2026we don\u2019t pray for sisters and finally get them and then lose them again just that fast\u2026and we never, ever sin. Ladies never take the lives of others and spend the rest of their own being punished\u2026their husbands never hate them\u2026\u2018Get thee to Bavaria.\u2019 Not quite as good as \u2018get thee to a nunnery,\u2019 is it? Lacks the proper bite, though it does have a certain originality.\u201d<\/p>\n<p>His anger vanished just that fast. Adam would kill him if Tilly really went mad; he was certain of that, and nothing she\u2019d just said in her little rant made the least bit of sense. He sat down on the bricks in front of the hearth and took one of her hands; it was freezing. \u201cTilly, I don\u2019t know what you\u2019re talking about, but you need to get to your room and change; you\u2019re drenched and filthy. I\u2019ll have Hop Sing bring you some broth.\u201d<\/p>\n<p>\u201cNo,\u201d Tilly said decisively. \u201cI\u2019m waiting for somebody and staying right here until he comes.\u201d<\/p>\n<p>\u201cWho are you waiting for?\u201d<\/p>\n<p>\u201cDeath. Or Satan. I don\u2019t care. I\u2019ve got some words for both of \u2019em.\u201d<\/p>\n<p>\u201cTilly\u2014\u201d He stood and yanked her to her feet. \u201cI\u2019ve thought some bad things about you over the last seven years, but I never thought you were foolish until today. I don\u2019t know what you\u2019re talking about, nor do I want to.\u201d He dragged her to her room and deposited her\u2014none too gently\u2014on the bed. \u201cGet dried off and cleaned up or I swear to heaven I\u2019ll take off my belt\u2014\u201d<\/p>\n<p>\u201cAnd your pants\u2019ll fall down,\u201d she giggled. \u201cNow that\u2019d be a sight. Is Matt Brady in town? I\u2019d pay real money for a photograph of Ben Cartwright in his long-handles.\u201d<\/p>\n<p>His jaw clenched. \u201cI\u2019ll watch the children tonight. Obviously you\u2019re not fit to be around them.\u201d<\/p>\n<p>\u201cWell, where were you six months and two weeks ago?\u201d she retorted. \u201cIf you\u2019d been handy, maybe I wouldn\u2019t have another one to worry about now!\u201d<\/p>\n<p>The blood drained from his face as her meaning set in. \u201cTilly\u2026good heavens, woman, are you expecting?\u201d<\/p>\n<p>\u201cSee, I told you you\u2019re not very observant. Did you think all this was ME?\u201d<\/p>\n<p>He stared at her, speechless.<\/p>\n<p>\u201cYes, for the moment I\u2019m expecting,\u201d she mumbled, taking the pitcher and slopping water into the ewer. \u201cDon\u2019t worry, not much longer. I\u2019m a fertile field producing withered crops.\u201d<\/p>\n<p>\u201cYou knew\u2026and you still drank yourself into a stupor? Are you trying to kill yourself?\u201d<\/p>\n<p>She swallowed, her face chalky white. \u201cOh, Ben, what difference does it make? Even that jackass at church knew the truth. Some women were meant to be barren. Murderers get punished. I\u2019m both.\u201d<\/p>\n<p>Before he could decode that riddle, she doubled over and\u2014lady or not\u2014vomited all over the floor.<\/p>\n<p><strong>Chapter 31<\/strong><\/p>\n<p><strong><em>June, 1875<\/em><\/strong><\/p>\n<p>Joe banged his dusty hat against his pants as they walked back to the bunkhouse. \u201cSusan\u2019s pretty, don\u2019t you think?\u201d<\/p>\n<p>\u201cI s\u2019pose, if you like that type.\u201d<\/p>\n<p>\u201cI guess I do like that type.\u201d<\/p>\n<p>\u201cI never saw a type you didn\u2019t like.\u201d Adam couldn\u2019t help smirking.<\/p>\n<p>\u201cWell, she\u2019s not a patch on Alice, but\u2026what?\u201d<\/p>\n<p>\u201cNothing.\u201d <em>Where\u2019s my poker face when I need it?<\/em><\/p>\n<p>\u201cYou looked funny when I mentioned Alice. What were you thinking?\u201d<\/p>\n<p>\u201cNothing, dammit.\u201d It was the first time Joe had mentioned her name since that day. \u201cI had some sweat trickle into my eye is all.\u201d<\/p>\n<p>\u201cYou weren\u2019t thinking about Alice?\u201d<\/p>\n<p>Adam just sighed. \u201cWhatever answer pleases you, Joe. If I say no, you\u2019ll think I\u2019m selfish for not thinking about her, and if I say yes, you\u2019ll think I\u2019m jealous, same way you\u2019ve always thought I was jealous of any girl you\u2014\u201d<\/p>\n<p>\u201cAw, Adam, you talk too much. Just shut up, would you?\u201d<\/p>\n<p>Adam sank onto his bunk, not daring to look over at Joe, not so much for fear of what he might see as fear of what Joe might see if he looked back.<\/p>\n<p>\u201cThis is not your affair, Father,\u201d Audun had said, and he had been right. <em>Thank God.<\/em> But it had been close\u2026uncomfortably close.<\/p>\n<p>It was Joe\u2019s fault, really. Why had he gone off for weeks at a time, leaving Alice all alone in that silly little house in the middle of nowhere? Why had he always demanded that Adam and Hoss look in on her?<\/p>\n<p>It was Tilly\u2019s fault, certainly. Why had she been hiding things from him? He\u2019d never hidden anything from her. <em>Well, I did a couple of times, but only for her own good.<\/em> And why had she told him, so soon after his return from the Wallowa, that they had to be \u201ccareful\u201d if she really still wanted him?<\/p>\n<p><strong><em>November, 1874<\/em><\/strong><\/p>\n<p>He was sitting on the bed, supposedly dressing for another day at Becker and Lloyd, but he was really just watching as Tilly fed Robin. He tried not to watch when she did that, because it always made him feel something was wrong. He\u2019d never known exactly what it was, but he\u2019d felt it the first time he saw her doing it, and every time since. And yet he had to notice.<\/p>\n<p>She looked up; caught in the act, he half-smiled and shrugged. \u201cJust remembering a time when those were my exclusive property,\u201d he said with what he hoped was the proper note of wistfulness as he pulled on his boots.<\/p>\n<p>She raised her eyebrows. \u201cThink of it as squatter\u2019s rights. Six more months and I\u2019ll wean him; I\u2019m sure by then he\u2019ll be all right, and I know Hoss would like him back.\u201d<\/p>\n<p>Adam didn\u2019t bother responding, but, no one was certain about that. Hoss held the boy often, and tried to smile at him, but even Ben, who had lost a wife to childbirth, had no explanation for the way Hoss behaved now. No one doubted he loved the baby, but he seemed at a loss to know what to do with Rob, or anyone else.<\/p>\n<p>\u201cAdam\u2026remember on the island, you telling me we should be careful?\u201d<\/p>\n<p>Something in her tone got his attention fast. \u201cI remember,\u201d he said.<\/p>\n<p>\u201cI think we should be careful again\u2014from now on. I\u2026I don\u2019t want to try anymore\u2026I just don\u2019t think I can stand it again.\u201d<\/p>\n<p>\u201cBut you said the doctors in Scotland\u2014\u201d<\/p>\n<p>She sighed. \u201cI had a lot more faith then than I do now. All I know is, if I\u2019m going to lose every baby I have, I just don\u2019t want to have any more. I guess I\u2019m not as strong as I thought I was. My faith\u2026isn\u2019t as strong as I thought it was.\u201d<\/p>\n<p>There was something she wasn\u2019t telling him, but he didn\u2019t know what it was\u2014and obviously she had no intention of elucidating. A little coldly, he said, \u201cIt would have helped if you\u2019d told me that last month, when Audun and I got back from Wallowa.\u201d<\/p>\n<p>\u201cThey say women can\u2019t conceive when they\u2019re nursing. I thought maybe we had a few months\u2019 grace period\u2026I was just warning you.\u201d<\/p>\n<p>\u201cDon\u2019t worry,\u201d he said. \u201cI understand.\u201d It seemed pretty obvious, after all.<\/p>\n<p>\u201cAdam, wait, that\u2019s not what I meant. I\u2019m not saying we can\u2019t\u2026have <em>relations<\/em>\u2026\u201d<\/p>\n<p>\u201cI need to get to work.\u201d He stood up and walked out without kissing her goodbye.<\/p>\n<p>Right after that Joe left for Sacramento, and for reasons no one understood, Alice refused to stay at the Ponderosa during his absence. Hoss and Adam began alternating daily visits, checking her grocery situation, making sure Bonnie was doing well, making sure no one was bothering Alice, making sure she was doing all right alone. Adam occasionally took Tilly along, and somehow they managed to look and act normal. Normal enough that, once when Tilly didn\u2019t come with him, Alice had said out of the blue, \u201cYou know, Adam, I really envy you and Tilly.\u201d<\/p>\n<p>Long years of cultivating a poker face could be helpful at the strangest times. \u201cWhy?\u201d<\/p>\n<p>A shrug. \u201cI don\u2019t know\u2026you know that Bible verse about coming through the fire and water?\u201d<\/p>\n<p>He nodded. \u201cIt\u2019s in the Psalms.\u201d<\/p>\n<p>\u201cYes, that\u2019s the one. \u2018\u2026We went through fire and through water: but thou broughtest us out into a wealthy place.\u2019 That\u2019s what I think of with you and Tilly\u2014you went through so many ordeals together, but now you\u2019re home and safe and rich, and you love each other so much. You\u2019ve been through all your problems, and now you\u2019re living happily ever after.\u201d<\/p>\n<p>He raised an eyebrow. \u201cWas having a stillborn baby part of that?\u201d<\/p>\n<p>She gasped; one hand flew up to her mouth. \u201cAdam, I\u2019m so sorry\u2014I didn\u2019t mean\u2014I\u2026\u201d<\/p>\n<p>He sighed then, and went over to put a hand on her shoulder. \u201cI\u2019m sorry. I shouldn\u2019t have said that.\u201d<\/p>\n<p>\u201cI still feel as if it was my fault.\u201d<\/p>\n<p>\u201cDon\u2019t. Nobody blames you, Alice. I just\u2026I don\u2019t think Tilly\u2019s quite over it yet.\u201d<\/p>\n<p>\u201cI don\u2019t imagine she ever will be. It\u2019s the worst thing that can happen to a woman.\u201d<\/p>\n<p>\u201cNot really a blessing for a man, either,\u201d Adam muttered, his jaw clenched.<\/p>\n<p>\u201cI\u2019m not leaving you out, Adam. That was one of the ordeals I meant, you know, that you both went through\u2026but the important thing is, she still loves you and you still love her. You two really have a perfect marriage.\u201d<\/p>\n<p>He sighed. \u201cNobody\u2019s perfect,\u201d he said, and turned and left the little yellow house.<\/p>\n<p><strong><em>December, 1874<\/em><\/strong><\/p>\n<p>He banged on the door a couple of times and hollered \u201cAlice!\u201d Then, discretion having been served, he opened the door and walked in to drop the bag of flour on the table. He turned around\u2014and saw her sitting on the sofa, looking gray and drained, her large eyes bleak.<\/p>\n<p>\u201cWhat\u2019s wrong?\u201d he asked, coming over to sit down beside her.<\/p>\n<p>\u201cWhat isn\u2019t wrong,\u201d she sighed. \u201cOh, Adam, I\u2019m expecting again. It\u2019s too soon. Bonnie\u2019s barely a year old and not weaned yet. Paul says I\u2019m due in June. And Joe\u2026he\u2019s always gone. He\u2019s the one who wanted another baby so soon, but he\u2019s never around to see the one we\u2019ve got. It\u2019s all wrong\u2026\u201d She looked up. \u201cI\u2019m sorry. I\u2019ve embarrassed you. I shouldn\u2019t have said anything\u2026please forget about it. I only just told Joe before he left; I was hoping it would make him stay. I had no business telling you.\u201d<\/p>\n<p>\u201cIt\u2019s all right,\u201d he replied automatically. \u201cI wasn\u2019t embarrassed, just a little surprised.\u201d<\/p>\n<p>\u201cThis could never happen with you and Tilly,\u201d she sighed. \u201cYou\u2019re so good to her. She\u2019s always telling me about how wonderful you are.\u201d<\/p>\n<p>Well, that was news. Pity she hadn\u2019t mentioned it to him. With him she was too busy thinking about Max.<\/p>\n<p>\u201cDon\u2019t get unrealistic notions, Alice. You\u2019d only end up disappointed.\u201d<\/p>\n<p>\u201cI already had them when I married Joe,\u201d she murmured. \u201cBut I think he\u2019s cured me.\u201d<\/p>\n<p>\u201cJoe loves you, Alice.\u201d<\/p>\n<p>\u201cThen why won\u2019t he talk to me anymore? Why does he leave every chance he gets?\u201d<\/p>\n<p>\u201cHe\u2019s trying to build the life he wants you to have.\u201d<\/p>\n<p>\u201cBut it\u2019s not the life I want! I\u2019m happy with what we have now\u2014I just want him around, and he\u2019s not. Even when he\u2019s here, he\u2019s not, not really. He\u2019s always thinking about the next contract, the next opportunity, the next house, the next baby\u2014hmpf. He\u2019ll be planning the next wife pretty soon, since obviously I\u2019m not good enough.\u201d<\/p>\n<p>\u201cAlice,\u201d he said, \u201cmen want to take care of their wives. Let him do it.\u201d<\/p>\n<p>\u201cI have this notion that the man and the woman should actually be together to take care of each other. You\u2019re always with Tilly\u2014you take care of her, don\u2019t you?\u201d<\/p>\n<p>\u201cNever try to turn real people into statues. You\u2019ll spot the clay feet, and it\u2019s embarrassing for everyone.\u201d<\/p>\n<p>\u201cBut you and Tilly\u2014\u201d<\/p>\n<p>\u201cHave problems just like everybody else.\u201d It came out a little more harshly than he intended. He rubbed his jaw. \u201cI\u2026I\u2019m sorry. I overstepped. I\u2026.\u201d<\/p>\n<p>With that he all but jumped to his feet and left.<\/p>\n<p>The next time he came, the house had been freshly scrubbed, there was a pot of tea and a plate of cookies on the table, and Alice was smiling and wearing her Sunday best. She didn\u2019t mention Joe\u2019s name once that day, nor did they discuss Tilly. They talked about Bonnie and how fast she was growing, and about the architecture firm, Becker and Lloyd, in which he\u2019d bought a partnership before leaving for Europe.<\/p>\n<p>His stories seemed to delight Alice; she came back with a story of her own: a tale about her life back East and a women\u2019s hat store she had owned until her brother gambled it away.<\/p>\n<p>Joe came back then, but soon after that he\u2019d left again, and February found Adam doing his duty once more and going to visit Alice every other day. Somehow he never thought to bring Tilly along, and Tilly never asked to be included. He would arrive to a smiling Alice, and they continued having tea and pleasant chats. Neither Joe nor Tilly had any place in these conversations. On the rare occasions Alice visited the Ponderosa, Tilly usually gave her a book or two, and when Adam came by, he and Alice would talk about the book for a while before conversation drifted into old stories about his trip westward with Pa, or her life back East before she\u2019d ever thought of marrying.<\/p>\n<p>Then came the last day of February, the day he\u2019d come so close to botching it all\u2014no, he had to admit, he\u2019d come close to botching it all the first time he\u2019d admitted to Alice that he and Tilly had problems. He\u2019d had no business telling anyone that, and he knew it\u2014especially not someone as vulnerable as Alice.<\/p>\n<p>He came in that day with a smile and a pie Beth had made\u2026and Alice, who had obviously been crying, looked up at him and said, \u201cAdam\u2026Joe\u2019s going to be gone for two weeks this time.\u201d<\/p>\n<p>\u201cI know. Don\u2019t worry; Hoss and I won\u2019t let you get lonely.\u201d<\/p>\n<p>\u201cDo you mean that?\u201d<\/p>\n<p>\u201cOf course,\u201d he chuckled, and then realized she wasn\u2019t laughing. He was standing just inside the door and had the oddest feeling that it might be better for everyone if he turned and walked out again right then, but he didn\u2019t.<\/p>\n<p>\u201cThanks for caring about me.\u201d She was looking at the floor, her hands knotted in front of her. \u201cI\u2019ve been so miserable\u2014you make it all bearable, somehow.\u201d<\/p>\n<p>\u201cAlice\u2026\u201d he said, and then just sighed, unable to think of anything to say.<\/p>\n<p>She looked up into his eyes again. \u201cAdam\u2026we can\u2019t control our feelings.\u201d<\/p>\n<p>\u201cNo, we can\u2019t,\u201d he agreed\u2014and the weight of the world settled firmly onto his head, smashing it down into his neck as he realized she was stepping toward him with her arms outstretched. For a split-second, he didn\u2019t think the weight of the world could really be all that heavy\u2014then his hands shot out of their own volition, caught her shoulders, and held her a safe distance away. \u201cWe can control our actions, though.\u201d<\/p>\n<p>He thought she was going to cry then\u2014in fact, he was pretty sure of it. \u201cAlice, listen. Don\u2019t think I\u2019m not flattered. But you don\u2019t want me. You want Joe. We\u2019d both be settling for less than we wanted. When you want oats and you settle for barley, there\u2019s no good in it\u2014I\u2019ve done it before, and it hurts.\u201d<\/p>\n<p>\u201cBut\u2026\u201d the tears spilled over. \u201cYou\u2019re right\u2026but don\u2019t expect me to love you for saying that. Now I\u2019m miserable <em>and<\/em> humiliated. And confused. I have no idea what that crack about oats\u2014\u201d<\/p>\n<p>\u201cDon\u2019t be confused; I was just being foolish. And don\u2019t be humiliated,\u201d he said with a lopsided grin. \u201cYou\u2019re a lovely woman, Alice. If I hadn\u2019t made a promise to Tilly, and it wasn\u2019t my own idiot brother we were talking about, I\u2019d take you in a heartbeat. Next time I see Joe, I\u2019m going to pound some sense into his head.\u201d<\/p>\n<p>\u201cNext time I see Tilly, I\u2019m going to throw one of her own skillets at her,\u201d Alice replied as he left.<\/p>\n<p><strong><em>June, 1875<\/em><\/strong><\/p>\n<p>Of course, she hadn\u2019t seen Tilly again, and he hadn\u2019t seen Joe in time, and two weeks after that conversation Alice was dead.<\/p>\n<p>And he\u2019d arrived just in time to see her murderers riding away, laughing.<\/p>\n<p><strong>Chapter 32<\/strong><\/p>\n<p><strong><em>June, 1875<\/em><\/strong><\/p>\n<p>Amazing, Tilly thought distractedly at some point over the next few hours, just how much the human stomach really held. She\u2019d recognized elements of meals going back to the previous morning\u2019s breakfast. Those little sweet red peppers had tasted delightful going down\u2026on their return, though, there was surprisingly little good to be said of them.<\/p>\n<p>Ben had sent Hoss to get Paul, not that there was much Paul could do. She heard Ben say something about charcoal, and part of Paul\u2019s reply: \u201cbut not at the rate she\u2019s heaving\u2026\u201d She simply kept on until there was nothing left, whereupon she heaved some more\u2026and some more.<\/p>\n<p>\u201cYou probably will for a while,\u201d Paul chided. \u201cI thought you had more sense, Tilly. Haven\u2019t you ever heard of alcohol poisoning? You\u2019re lucky those bottles came as a gift from one of Ben\u2019s customers. It\u2019s only thirty-five percent alcohol. When Ben buys his own it\u2019s the good stuff.\u201d<\/p>\n<p>Too exhausted from dry-heaving to do anything more than listen to him, Tilly just sighed, and Hoss, standing in the doorway, gave her a sympathetic look.<\/p>\n<p>\u201cWhy\u2019d you do it?\u201d Ben asked in a voice he probably meant to be kindly, but which, at the moment, sounded like a mule being dragged through gravel.<\/p>\n<p>\u201cAdam told me once\u2026\u201d she started, and then couldn\u2019t finish.<\/p>\n<p><strong><em>September, 1870, Paris<\/em><\/strong><\/p>\n<p>\u201cAdam, I\u2019m not going to lose the baby on a twenty-mile trip across the English Channel. We\u2019ve got to get out of here. The Prussian Army doesn\u2019t know or care that we\u2019re Americans, and they\u2019re winning the darned war.\u201d<\/p>\n<p>\u201cYou try to move, and I\u2019ll sit on you,\u201d Adam said, and despite the smile, there was steel in his voice. It was wrapped in layers of velvet, but it was steel all the same.<\/p>\n<p>\u201cI think sitting on me would work against your goal,\u201d she reminded him, sighing. \u201cI just feel so useless!\u201d<\/p>\n<p>\u201cI\u2019ll read to you.\u201d<\/p>\n<p>\u201cMuch as I love the sound of your voice, you sent all the books to England with Liam, so all we have are newspapers. And they have nothing but bad news\u2014and besides, your French accent is not as enticing as you\u2019d like it to be. Just tell me a story.\u201d<\/p>\n<p>\u201cWhat kind?\u201d<\/p>\n<p>\u201cOh, I don\u2019t know\u2026how about a true story?\u201d<\/p>\n<p>\u201cHmmm. Well\u2026once there was a boy. He traveled around the world with a wise old man\u2026.\u201d<\/p>\n<p>\u201cI think I\u2019ve heard this one,\u201d Tilly said with a smile. \u201cIs this the story where a dog teaches the boy what the wise old man never could?\u201d<\/p>\n<p>\u201cOh, you have heard it. That\u2019s a shame; it\u2019s one of my better stories.\u201d<\/p>\n<p>\u201cTrue\u2014but it loses a lot without Lady here to point to. Adam\u2026there\u2019s something else you could tell me.\u201d<\/p>\n<p>\u201cYes?\u201d<\/p>\n<p>\u201cYou understand how sometimes a question gets under your skin and festers until it\u2019s answered?\u201d<\/p>\n<p>He leaned back in the chair and looked down at her hand, which was resting on his knee, and then slowly, he looked back into her eyes. \u201cI have a feeling,\u201d he said carefully, \u201cthat I\u2019m about to be asked something I won\u2019t much like.\u201d<\/p>\n<p>\u201cBut if you give me an adequate answer, I\u2019ll never ask it again.\u201d<\/p>\n<p>\u201cI\u2019m definitely not going to like this question,\u201d he observed. \u201cAll right, Tilly. We\u2019ve been married a year and a half now. I\u2019ve never lied to you and never kept a secret from you, and I don\u2019t intend to start now. Ask whatever you need to\u2014but only if you can stand an honest answer.\u201d<\/p>\n<p>\u201cThe first time you proposed to me, I said no\u2026and you got all roostered at the Bucket o\u2019 Blood\u2026and then\u2026\u201d<\/p>\n<p>He looked away, sighing.<\/p>\n<p>\u201cWhy did you go with Flora Robinson?\u201d<\/p>\n<p>Involuntarily he chuckled. \u201cYou found out her name. That must <em>really<\/em> have bothered you. You\u2019ve asked this question before, you know.\u201d<\/p>\n<p>\u201cBut you never answered. You said it wasn\u2019t my business. I\u2019ve never stopped wondering, though\u2026why her, Adam?\u201d<\/p>\n<p>\u201cBecause I was drunk. Drunks are not known to exhibit good judgment. Tilly, you\u2019re the kind who\u2019ll nurse a single drink all day and all night. Until you get really, really\u2014as you said\u2014\u2018roostered,\u2019 so roostered you can\u2019t tell what time of day it is, so roostered you can\u2019t tell black from white or whether you\u2019re coming or going, you\u2019ll never understand the strange form of logic that possesses your brain at a time like that and makes a bad idea seem completely reasonable, even desirable.\u201d<\/p>\n<p>\u201cWhy were you that drunk? I\u2019ve never understood why people do that to themselves. It seems to hurt them more than it could ever help.\u201d<\/p>\n<p>\u201cPeople get drunk to take pain away. Alcohol is an anodyne, or to use that new word from London, an analgesic. That fellow Marx had it wrong. The universal opiate is not religion; it\u2019s alcohol.\u201d<\/p>\n<p>\u201cReally?\u201d<\/p>\n<p>He looked at the floor. \u201cNo, not really\u2014but what it does do is change your frame of mind so that you no longer give a damn if you\u2019re hurting or not. Losing you was the one thing I thought couldn\u2019t happen after everything else that had gone wrong\u2026but I lost you. Ergo, I drank to excess, in hopes of taking the pain away. The drink affected my logic so I no longer cared that I was hurting, and in the process, it also made spending the night with little Flora seem like an excellent idea. And as long as I\u2019m confessing, I don\u2019t remember anything that happened once I left the bar. Never gave a moment\u2019s thought to her after, either, except to hit myself over the head for settling for barley when I\u2019d really wanted oats.\u201d<\/p>\n<p>\u201cBarley and oats\u2026? Should I ask?\u201d<\/p>\n<p>\u201cIt\u2019s not important. Have I answered your question?\u201d<\/p>\n<p>\u201cAs much as it can be, I guess.\u201d<\/p>\n<p>\u201cGood. Tilly\u2026I have a feeling it\u2019s that practical part of your nature that keeps you from understanding the whole appeal of alcohol. I hope you never do understand it.\u201d<\/p>\n<p>\u201cBut it worked for you, in a way. I mean\u2026it stopped you worrying about the pain, right?\u201d<\/p>\n<p>\u201cDid it?\u201d Adam chuckled. \u201cI suppose\u2026in a way. For a while, at least.\u201d<\/p>\n<p><strong><em>June, 1875<\/em><\/strong><\/p>\n<p>\u201cYou do realize you\u2019re in a family way, don\u2019t you?\u201d Paul Martin asked, and Tilly nodded. He looked sternly at her. \u201cThat little stunt you pulled could have killed the baby or you. I realize Adam\u2019s not here now and I\u2019m sure he won\u2019t want to come back only to find you dead.\u201d<\/p>\n<p>\u201cDon\u2019t be too sure,\u201d Tilly whispered, and turned on her side to face the wall.<\/p>\n<p>Paul shook his head and motioned to Ben. Shutting the door behind them as they left, Paul asked, \u201cDo you have any idea what she\u2019s talking about?\u201d<\/p>\n<p>\u201cNo, but that\u2019s not unusual,\u201d Ben muttered. \u201cShe was jabbering a lot of nonsense when I walked in about being a murderer and losing all her babies and all her sisters, and Adam hating her. I couldn\u2019t make sense of any of it. I thought she was an only child.\u201d<\/p>\n<p>\u201cNo.\u201d Hoss spoke up for the first time. \u201cShe had twin brothers. I remember that. No sisters, though.\u201d<\/p>\n<p>\u201cShe still has my book,\u201d Paul said. \u201cMaybe she needs to finally read it.\u201d<\/p>\n<p>\u201cWhat are you talking about?\u201d Ben asked.<\/p>\n<p>\u201cNothing\u2014just remind her that she still has my book, all right, and as long as she won\u2019t be moving around much for a while, she might as well get some use out of it. And you two will probably want to split the night up and take shifts with her. She can\u2019t be left alone right now.\u201d<\/p>\n<p>\u201cI thought she got it all out.\u201d<\/p>\n<p>\u201cMaybe, maybe not. Puking is the best thing she could have done, though I know you and your floor don\u2019t agree. As it is, I don\u2019t have any way of knowing just how much alcohol was absorbed, but it sounds like she ingested so much, so fast, that she just made herself sick straight off. I hope that\u2019s what happened. But on the odd chance there\u2019s anything left in her stomach, and she gets sick again\u2014\u201d<\/p>\n<p>\u201cShe could choke to death on it. I know,\u201d Ben muttered. \u201cAll right.\u201d<\/p>\n<p>\u201cI\u2019ll go sit with her a while,\u201d Hoss said, and left them.<\/p>\n<p>\u201cGet some water into her, if you can,\u201d Paul called after him. He turned back to Ben. \u201cWhere\u2019s Audun, anyway? If he\u2019d been around he\u2019d have tied her hand and foot before letting her do something like this.\u201d<\/p>\n<p>Ben shook his head. \u201cHe\u2019s gone crazy too. He\u2019s run off to look for his spirit guide.\u201d<\/p>\n<p>\u201cOh, he finally did that. Well, he\u2019s been threatening to long enough. When\u2019s he coming back?\u201d<\/p>\n<p>\u201cHe should\u2019ve been back by now,\u201d Ben replied. \u201cTilly\u2019s the only one who knows where he went, and she won\u2019t tell yet.\u201d He chuckled. \u201cGuess I\u2019d better make sure she lives, at that.\u201d<\/p>\n<p>\u201cBen\u2026\u201d<\/p>\n<p>\u201cI was only making a joke, Paul.\u201d<\/p>\n<p><strong>Chapter 33<\/strong><\/p>\n<p><strong><em>June, 1875<\/em><\/strong><\/p>\n<p>\u201cTilly,\u201d Hoss said quietly, \u201cYou need to stay awake for a little while. How \u2019bout talkin\u2019 to me?\u201d<\/p>\n<p>She turned over again to look at him. \u201cWhy don\u2019t you talk to me instead? My throat hurts.\u201d<\/p>\n<p>\u201cPa said you were sayin\u2019 things about losin\u2019 all your babies. What did you mean?\u201d<\/p>\n<p>She looked away. \u201cI\u2019m in a family way, you know.\u201d<\/p>\n<p>\u201cYeah, I know. I s\u2019spect you\u2019re nervous of losing it.\u201d<\/p>\n<p>\u201cI\u2019ve lost all the others. It\u2019s starting to seem like a bad habit.\u201d<\/p>\n<p>\u201cThat don\u2019t mean it\u2019s gonna happen forever.\u201d<\/p>\n<p>\u201cI can\u2019t imagine it going any other way.\u201d<\/p>\n<p>\u201cYou\u2019re bein\u2019 silly. What did you mean by losin\u2019 all your sisters? I thought you only had brothers.\u201d<\/p>\n<p>\u201cHoss\u2014I don\u2019t want to make you feel worse.\u201d<\/p>\n<p>\u201cI don\u2019t know what you mean.\u201d<\/p>\n<p>\u201cI mean Alice\u2026and Veralyn.\u201d Her voice quavered. \u201cI never had any sisters. Closest I ever had was Uncle Johann\u2019s daughter Charlotte back in Savannah, and I haven\u2019t heard from her since I was nineteen. She probably died in the war. I just\u2026when we came here I met Alice and Veralyn, and we were the three musketeers. Or the \u2018tree musketeers,\u2019 that\u2019s what Veralyn used to say. She said women didn\u2019t marry into the Cartwright family\u2014they got grafted onto the Ponderosa pine. She and Alice knew so much I didn\u2019t, I guess because they were here learning how to get along with Ben and you and Joe while the only one I was getting to know was Adam. So when I came back, they were the ones who showed me how to be a \u2018Cartwright wife.\u2019 I was so glad to have them\u2026and I miss them\u2026so much\u2026\u201d<\/p>\n<p>He quickly produced a handkerchief for her. Funny, she\u2019d never known he carried one.<\/p>\n<p>\u201cI miss \u2019em too,\u201d he said, his voice hoarse.<\/p>\n<p>\u201cI imagine so\u2014probably more than I do. Hoss, tell me more about Veralyn.\u201d<\/p>\n<p>\u201cYou mean that?\u201d he asked.<\/p>\n<p>\u201cI never knew a woman who made me laugh so hard or think so much, Hoss. Talk to me.\u201d<\/p>\n<p>His eyes brightened, and for the next couple of hours, he did talk to her. They both even laughed a few times. And at the end of it all, Hoss was smiling wistfully.<\/p>\n<p>\u201cDon\u2019t think I ever talked much about her before,\u201d he observed.<\/p>\n<p>\u201cI shouldn\u2019t have waited so long to ask.\u201d<\/p>\n<p>\u201cOh, I dunno. I might not\u2019ve been up to it till now, anyhow.\u201d He swallowed. \u201cAll this time we thought it was just losing the baby that had you so down.\u201d<\/p>\n<p>\u201cOh, that\u2019s been a part of it, sure. But honest, Hoss\u2014Alice and Veralyn were sisters to me. While they were here, I kind of felt like I belonged. Now they\u2019re gone, and maybe I should be too.\u201d<\/p>\n<p>\u201cYou were here before either of them,\u201d Hoss said, his voice barely above a whisper. \u201cJust \u2019cause they\u2019re gone don\u2019t mean you should be. Bad enough Beth leavin\u2019. I don\u2019t know what\u2019s goin\u2019 on between her and Pa, but it ain\u2019t gonna help matters none if you leave.\u201d<\/p>\n<p>\u201cIt might, seeing as how Adam doesn\u2019t want me here.\u201d<\/p>\n<p>\u201cNow that\u2019s just plumb crazy.\u201d<\/p>\n<p>\u201cIs it? He handed me my walking papers.\u201d<\/p>\n<p>\u201cI don\u2019t believe it.\u201d<\/p>\n<p>She pointed weakly to a drawer in the nightstand. \u201cIt\u2019s right in there. In his own hand.\u201d<\/p>\n<p>\u201cI don\u2019t care. He might\u2019ve said somethin\u2019, but he didn\u2019t mean it. And you know better, too\u2014\u2019cause if you thought he meant it, what\u2019re you still doin\u2019 here?\u201d<\/p>\n<p>She grinned. \u201cI\u2019m way too ornery to leave on the strength of a note. If he wants me out of here, he\u2019ll have to say it right to my face.\u201d<\/p>\n<p><strong>Chapter 34<\/strong><\/p>\n<p><strong><em>June, 1875<\/em><\/strong><\/p>\n<p>Ben walked into the room and looked with some disgust at his only remaining daughter-in-law, who was fast asleep. \u201cGuess I\u2019ll spell you for a while, Hoss.\u201d<\/p>\n<p>\u201cThanks, Pa\u2026but only if you\u2019re gonna be nice about it.\u201d<\/p>\n<p>\u201cI thought I just was.\u201d<\/p>\n<p>Hoss got up and pulled Ben back to the door. In a low voice, he went on, \u201cI mean to Tilly. When she wakes up. She\u2019s had a hard time of it.\u201d<\/p>\n<p>Ben clenched his jaw. \u201cSeems to me she brought it on herself.\u201d<\/p>\n<p>\u201cPa.\u201d There was a command implicit in the tone, and Ben looked at Hoss. Hoss seemed to come back to himself then; with a self-deprecating grin, he said, \u201cThis ain\u2019t the first time a Cartwright ever tied one on. Don\u2019t see how you can get all over her without gettin\u2019 on Joe for the whole last month he was here.\u201d<\/p>\n<p>\u201cJoe had an excuse.\u201d<\/p>\n<p>\u201cSo\u2019s Tilly.\u201d<\/p>\n<p>\u201cHoss, I know she lost her child, but\u2014\u201d<\/p>\n<p>\u201cAnd she lost Alice and Veralyn, just like us,\u201d Hoss had a quaver in his voice. \u201cNever occurred to me that somebody else might miss Veralyn besides\u2026I mean\u2026\u201d He shrugged again. \u201cRemember Tilly come to us alone. She got Adam in the deal, but she also got two brothers, two sisters, and a pa. Now she\u2019s lost her two sisters, one of her brothers, and Adam. She\u2019s taken care of Rob since he was born like she was his own mama, even though I know every time she looks at him she has to wonder why he lived and her little girl didn\u2019t. And I know you don\u2019t think what she did with Audun was right, but I think if she hadn\u2019t done it, he would\u2019ve gone back to the Indians sure as shootin\u2019\u2026and if anything happens to him she\u2019ll have that on her head, too. She\u2019s alone in the world; there\u2019s just me and you left. I ain\u2019t such good company these days myself\u2026and she thinks you don\u2019t like her anyhow.\u201d<\/p>\n<p>Ben did not reply. He might have argued one or two of the points, but they would have been weak arguments at best\u2014and the last point was dead-on; he had heard it from Tilly herself.<\/p>\n<p><strong><em>January, 1875<\/em><\/strong><\/p>\n<p>\u201cAlice, I wish you\u2019d reconsider,\u201d Tilly urged. \u201cJoe\u2019s gone for such long stretches of time, and living alone so far away from anyone\u2026\u201d<\/p>\n<p>\u201cIt\u2019s not that far,\u201d Alice replied. \u201cBesides, I put in my time here already. It\u2019s your turn.\u201d<\/p>\n<p>They were on the upstairs landing of the Ponderosa house; Alice had mentioned a book she wanted to read, and Tilly had taken her up to Audun\u2019s room to get it.<\/p>\n<p>Tilly looked at her, puzzled. \u201cI don\u2019t know what that means.\u201d<\/p>\n<p>\u201cI mean while Joe was building our house, we lived here. It was just a couple of weeks, but I didn\u2019t like it. I love Ben and Beth and Audun, of course, it\u2019s just\u2026well, you know. You don\u2019t want other people\u2014especially not parents\u2014right down the hall.\u201d<\/p>\n<p>Tilly burst out laughing. \u201cBut you\u2019ve been married nearly two years now! Surely you\u2019re not self-conscious anymore\u2014and besides, I just mean why can\u2019t you stay here while you\u2019re alone?\u201d<\/p>\n<p>\u201cIt doesn\u2019t matter, Tilly. You and Veralyn and I\u2014well, we were a little closer together in age, and with you two here it was always fun, but somehow\u2026Ben\u2019s always been kind to me, but when you\u2019re around he makes me nervous. Veralyn was afraid of him too, you know\u2014especially after you came back. Joe used to say his father knew Veralyn and I were shy, and that\u2019s why he was gentle around us\u2026but then you showed up and he got loud again. And I can\u2019t believe the way you back-talk him all the time.\u201d<\/p>\n<p>\u201cThe pressure\u2019s on me, not you,\u201d Tilly shrugged. \u201cHe\u2019s never liked me anyway. But if it\u2019ll make you visit more, I\u2019ll be on my best behavior with him, and maybe he won\u2019t yell as much. All right?\u201d<\/p>\n<p>Alice did not reply.<\/p>\n<p>\u201cDon\u2019t you wish you had help with Bonnie? If you stayed here, we could work together and\u2014\u201d<\/p>\n<p>Alice sighed. \u201cTilly, I <em>can\u2019t<\/em>. You don\u2019t understand, but\u2026when Veralyn was alive and it was the three of us, I couldn\u2019t wait to be here. I didn\u2019t mind all the times Joe and I stayed over then. But then your baby died, and I couldn\u2019t save it\u2026\u201d<\/p>\n<p>\u201cBut that wasn\u2019t your fault. She was born that way.\u201d<\/p>\n<p>\u201c\u2014and Veralyn\u2019s gone, and I just can\u2019t get over thinking she died right in that room over there\u2026and remembering that night when Beth and I had to lay her out. You weren\u2019t there, Tilly\u2014you don\u2019t know what it was like. I knew then that I never wanted to see that room again; I didn\u2019t want to see this house again. I shiver every time I come here now. Hoss never complains, but he\u2019s so quiet, he\u2019s like a ghost. He doesn\u2019t know what to do with himself or even with his own son; he just leaves him with you all the time. Everything\u2019s wrong, and every time I\u2019m here, I see it. Joe sees it too, and it worries him to death because he wants to fix it. I know it can\u2019t be fixed, and it just scares me to be around it. I\u2019m sorry, Tilly\u2026I just can\u2019t.\u201d<\/p>\n<p>\u201cAll right.\u201d There was a long silence; then Tilly swallowed. \u201cI didn\u2019t know you felt that way. It\u2019s just\u2026I guess I\u2019m being selfish, but with Beth always at the store and Adam down at Becker and Lloyd, I\u2019m here all the time with Robin. I love Audun, but he studies dutifully and then runs outdoors and can\u2019t be found for the rest of the day\u2026Hop Sing has started going into town a couple of times a week to stay all day\u2026I guess I\u2019m just lonely.\u201d<\/p>\n<p>Alice sniffed. \u201cTry being nicer to your husband; maybe he\u2019d stick around more.\u201d<\/p>\n<p><strong><em>June, 1875<\/em><\/strong><\/p>\n<p>Ben had never meant to hear that exchange between Alice and Tilly, and it still bothered him that he had. He\u2019d been up in the attic looking for something he\u2019d wanted to give Joe for the new baby when he heard the women talking, and their voices carried even to the corner he was in; he had found himself cringing, and he wasn\u2019t sure whether he was flinching because he was hearing a private conversation, or because of the subject matter itself. He wondered which part of it bothered him the most: knowing that Alice had regarded his home as haunted; knowing she had verbalized what everyone had seen but not said about Hoss; knowing that Tilly still thought Ben disliked her, and worse, she seemed resigned to it; or just knowing that Alice had for some reason been sniping at Tilly about Adam, and Tilly hadn\u2019t even noticed.<\/p>\n<p>He was sitting on the chair by the bed, looking at his daughter-in-law. Married to his eldest son six and a half years, she was still more a stranger to him than Veralyn or Alice had ever been, that much was true. But he didn\u2019t exactly dislike her. Sure, they\u2019d gotten off to a bad start, but that had been mostly his fault, not hers. Looking back on their initial meetings, he now admired her spunk.<\/p>\n<p>So what was it? That she\u2019d dragged Adam off to Europe? No\u2014Adam had been itching to leave the Ponderosa before she had ever showed up. She had merely provided a graceful exit. Yes, she\u2019d gotten them stuck in Paris during a war\u2014but Tilly hadn\u2019t wanted to stay; Adam had. And Ben knew that in Adam\u2019s shoes, he would have made the same decisions Adam had made.<\/p>\n<p>So what was it? That she made witty and occasionally unladylike comments? No; so did Beth, and while he was usually embarrassed, he wasn\u2019t hypocritical enough to deny that both women could be darned funny.<\/p>\n<p><em>Paul<\/em> <em>said Tilly\u2019s six months along. Good Lord, how did I not know? I never look at her, that\u2019s why. But when I look at her, she looks right back\u2026and it still feels like a challenge, every time.<\/em><\/p>\n<p>That was part of it\u2014she seemed to challenge him constantly. From their first meeting they had been adversaries. The day she had come with Ben to the Ponderosa because Adam was sick and asking for her, she had turned Ben\u2019s apology against him; she had refused to apologize for her own part in the misunderstanding; she had even said flat-out that he\u2019d better get used to her behavior. After she and Adam married, they hadn\u2019t really been around long enough for Ben to get to know her any better\u2014and then, after being gone almost five years, she\u2019d brought Adam back to the Ponderosa hurt again, maybe dying, and hadn\u2019t explained what had happened; she had just set about taking care of him. She\u2019d overridden Ben\u2019s authority with Audun immediately and demanded that he be allowed to examine Adam. The next morning she had jumped into the conversation with Paul to insist she was the one who would make decisions about Adam\u2019s care. She had even overridden him and Adam both to let Audun venture out alone into the wilderness.<\/p>\n<p>But even with all that, she had usually had reasons for the things she did. What had prompted this idiocy today, he would never have known, if Hoss hadn\u2019t told him.<\/p>\n<p>She\u2019d been asleep ever since he\u2019d come in\u2014although she was apparently having some kind of dream; she was whimpering and moaning and repeating some name he couldn\u2019t quite make out. He remembered, now that he thought of it, that she had had a lot of nightmares right after Adam and Audun had left to see the Indians. After Beth had asked her about it, her room became silent as death each night. She had never answered Beth\u2019s question, either.<\/p>\n<p>Hmmm. There she went again. Wait; he recognized that name. \u201cMax.\u201d Tilly had mentioned him once as an old friend who had been somehow responsible for Adam being tortured.<\/p>\n<p>Tilly giggled in her sleep. She turned over on her back, whispering that name again. Again she giggled. And then a low, hateful, \u201cAdam\u2026bastard\u2026\u201d<\/p>\n<p><em>What?<\/em><\/p>\n<p>He grabbed one shoulder and shook it. \u201cHey. Tilly. Tilly, you can\u2019t sleep on your back. Dr. Martin said you have to lie on your side.\u201d<\/p>\n<p>Tilly\u2019s eyelids fluttered and she looked blearily at him, uncomprehending.<\/p>\n<p>\u201cYou have to sleep on your side,\u201d Ben repeated.<\/p>\n<p>\u201cI don\u2019t want to sleep at all,\u201d she muttered, and struggled to push herself up.<\/p>\n<p>Ben stuffed a few pillows behind her. \u201cYou\u2019re probably a little weak. Here, drink some water. Paul said alcohol and sickness are a bad combination\u2014they pull the water right out of a person.\u201d<\/p>\n<p>Obediently, she drank the water. For a moment she sat, just looking at him and holding the empty glass. \u201cYou\u2019re being nice to me. Lord, I must be dying.\u201d<\/p>\n<p>Ben snorted. \u201cI\u2019m going to give you a choice. You can either go back to sleep, or you and I can have a conversation that you\u2019re guaranteed not to enjoy.\u201d<\/p>\n<p>A strange smile crossed her face. \u201cWell, that\u2019s a little more like it. Do your worst, Ben. Like my hero Lizzy Bennet, \u2018There is a stubbornness about me that never can bear to be frightened at the will of others. My courage always rises at every attempt to intimidate me.\u2019\u201d<\/p>\n<p>Ben wasted no time in wondering about Elizabeth Bennet. Certainly he knew no Bennets in Virginia City, anyway. \u201cTilly\u2014who is Max?\u201d<\/p>\n<p>\u201cMax,\u201d Tilly said, and laughed softly, but her hand shook when she replaced the water glass. \u201cMy sins have found me out, eh? Max\u2026is who demons dream about in their nightmares. And thereby hangs a long and gruesome tale.\u201d<\/p>\n<p>\u201cI\u2019ve got all night,\u201d Ben replied.<\/p>\n<p>\u201cYou\u2019ll hate me too. Adam does, and you\u2019ve already got a head start.\u201d<\/p>\n<p>\u201cTilly, despite what I heard you tell Alice one day, I don\u2019t dislike you.\u201d Briefly, he allowed himself to enjoy the look on her face. \u201cAnd I wouldn\u2019t be too sure about Adam.\u201d<\/p>\n<p><strong>Chapter 35<\/strong><\/p>\n<p><strong><em>June, 1875<\/em><\/strong><\/p>\n<p>Audun licked his dry lips and stared at the moon. Something told him to just lie down and accept his fate, but something else pushed him on. His father\u2026oh, his father would be angry if he didn\u2019t at least try to get home.<\/p>\n<p>His father, Adam Cartwright. Not Timothy Silver Salmon.<\/p>\n<p>Surprising, now that he thought of it. Wasn\u2019t it for Timothy, Hinmahtooyahlatkekt, and his late grandfather Shmoqula that he had come out here? But for Adam Cartwright, he must get back to the Ponderosa. Then he could die.<\/p>\n<p><strong><em>July, 1874<\/em><\/strong><\/p>\n<p>Loud Tortoise shook his head, and Shmoqula\u2019s wives, Magpie Smiling and Lost Deer, set up a keening wail as they rocked back and forth on their knees. Everyone went into motion: some people began to chant, others to wail or cry. But Audun just sat there, dazed, and Adam looked at him in concern.<\/p>\n<p>In a way, it was a shock\u2014the old man had seemed to be getting better. But the day before, he had asked Audun to visit him, and he had said \u201cI am going away tomorrow.\u201d And he had gone, just as he\u2019d said. Now there were things that needed to be done, and Audun knew he was in the way. Yet he could not move. Someone nudged him; he realized it was his father. Then his father took him gently by the arm and pulled him from the lodge.<\/p>\n<p>Women outside were wailing, too\u2014some men were chanting, and a few even had tears in their eyes. Of course, it wasn\u2019t polite to notice if a warrior should cry, so no one said anything, although Adam seemed surprised.<\/p>\n<p>Audun looked up at him through tears of his own. \u201cFather\u2026promise me you\u2019ll never die.\u201d<\/p>\n<p>Adam half-smiled. \u201cNot willingly, I won\u2019t.\u201d<\/p>\n<p>Audun hurled himself into his father\u2019s arms and sobbed then. A part of him felt foolish\u2014and worse, childish\u2014for doing it. The other part didn\u2019t care. Without a w\u00e1yakin, he was a child; he could get away with acting like one.<\/p>\n<p>The next day, wearing his finest clothes and holding his medicine bag, Shmoqula returned to his mother the Earth. After the grave was covered, his favorite horse, decked out with its best riding gear, was led up to the mound. Timothy Silver Salmon, standing next to the new shaman, watched for the sign\u2014and slit the horse\u2019s throat. Adam Cartwright squeezed his eyes shut as the horse collapsed over the grave. The shaman said a few more words, sending Shmoqula on to the next world and forbidding him to return. He and his horse would ride among the spirits now.<\/p>\n<p>As everyone returned for the ritual feast and distribution of Shmoqula\u2019s possessions, Adam said, \u201cYou didn\u2019t tell me they were going to kill it.\u201d<\/p>\n<p>Audun looked up in surprise. \u201cI told you it would take him to the afterlife. Father, a man has to have a horse. In this world or the next.\u201d<\/p>\n<p>\u201cSorry, son\u2014I respect their customs, but\u2026.\u201d<\/p>\n<p>\u201cThe horse was willing. Timothy asked him. The Nimiipuu love horses; I thought you knew. That was the best horse of\u2026the man who isn\u2019t here now. The horse wanted to be with his master.\u201d<\/p>\n<p>Timothy Silver Salmon was walking on Audun\u2019s other side and seemed to have picked up much of the conversation, although it had been in English. \u201cIt\u2019s necessary,\u201d he said in Nimiipuutimpt. \u201cHow could that good old man cover the vastness of the spirit world without a horse? Besides\u2014\u201d and Audun, for a moment, thought his Indian father was leering at his white father\u2014\u201cit is part of\u2026<em>finalized estate<\/em>.\u201d He said the last two words in English. Then he grinned at Audun\u2019s open-mouthed expression.<\/p>\n<p>\u201cI didn\u2019t know Timothy knew any English,\u201d Audun muttered.<\/p>\n<p>Adam smiled. \u201cYou don\u2019t know your other father very well. Why do you think he also has the name of \u2018Timothy\u2019? He was raised in one of the Christian Nimiipuu bands and educated at the Spaldings\u2019 mission school\u2014at least until his parents pulled him out. He remembers the alphabet and some of the words, but he can\u2019t read or write English anymore. His wife grew up in a French Jesuit mission\u2014that\u2019s why she has a Soyapo name and speaks French.\u201d<\/p>\n<p>Audun thought on that. It made sense. Still, it was strange. His white father had come among the Nimiipuu, made friends, learned much of their language and culture\u2014even learned Timothy\u2019s history\u2014in just six weeks. Yet Audun, who had lived most of his life among them, had never known any of it. He looked up at Adam, walking in quiet dignity beside Timothy, and felt respect for his white father washing over him anew.<\/p>\n<p><strong><em>June, 1875<\/em><\/strong><\/p>\n<p>He fell again, and too exhausted to rise this time, he managed to turn over on his back. There was the cruel Moon laughing at him, just as he\u2019d laughed at his wife the Frog.<\/p>\n<p>Audun closed his eyes.<\/p>\n<p><strong>Chapter 36<\/strong><\/p>\n<p><strong><em>June, 1875<\/em><\/strong><\/p>\n<p>A sliver of pink inched its way above the windowpane. Tilly hadn\u2019t heaved in hours; she and Ben had had the longest talk they\u2019d ever had, and neither had produced a gun or a skillet. It was, she thought, a small miracle\u2014but these days she would settle for miracles of any size or any shape.<\/p>\n<p>\u201cTilly, in all the excitement I nearly forgot to tell you. There\u2019s a lady in town who claims to be your cousin.\u00a0 Her name is Charlotte Hoffman.\u201d<\/p>\n<p>Tilly felt her heart rate double as her head jerked up. She was positive she had never mentioned Charlotte to Ben, and she couldn\u2019t fathom a situation in which Adam would\u2019ve told Ben about Charlotte. So how did Ben know, unless he had really met her?<\/p>\n<p>Still\u2026she cleared her throat. \u201cBen, don\u2019t. For a minute there I thought we were becoming friends. Don\u2019t tease me.\u201d<\/p>\n<p>Ben huffed. \u201cI thought your cousin was the most suspicious woman I\u2019d ever met, but I do believe you may have her beat after all. In all our little tiffs, do you ever recall me lying to you or teasing you?\u201d<\/p>\n<p>\u201cBut\u2026Charlotte died in the war. Uncle Johann, too. That\u2019s what everybody in Savannah thought. That\u2019s what they all told me\u2026\u201d<\/p>\n<p>\u201cTilly, you of all people should know how easily people disappear in a war. We thought you and Adam died in Paris, remember?\u201d<\/p>\n<p>\u201cBut\u2026how did she come here?\u201d<\/p>\n<p>\u201cI\u2019m not exactly sure. She said something about a home for the insane, and how they told her where to find Adam.\u201d<\/p>\n<p>Tilly closed her eyes, tight. But when she opened them, Ben was still there.<\/p>\n<p>\u201cI don\u2019t guess you have any notion that you\u2019ve turned into a fairy godmother, do you?\u201d she whispered.<\/p>\n<p>\u201cUm\u2026no,\u201d Ben replied. And then, with a mischievous look, he added, \u201cBut I hope you won\u2019t go spreading it around. I wouldn\u2019t look good in a dress.\u201d Before she could laugh, though, he went on, \u201cI told you your cousin is very suspicious. She told me to bring you to meet her after church, but you\u2019re obviously in no shape to go to town. If you could write her a note\u2026\u201d<\/p>\n<p>\u201cMy hands have been shaking for the last couple of hours,\u201d Tilly said. \u201cOh, Ben, you\u2019re right\u2014I was an idiot. Is Hoss up yet?\u201d<\/p>\n<p>\u201cI heard him going downstairs a little while ago\u2026why?\u201d<\/p>\n<p>\u201cI\u2019ll have him go fetch Charlotte. I\u2019ll give him a message she\u2019ll recognize\u2026and if she doesn\u2019t agree to come, he can just pick her up and carry her back.\u201d<\/p>\n<p>\u201cBut\u2014you don\u2019t want me to get her?\u201d<\/p>\n<p>\u201cNo,\u201d she said, and made an attempt at a smile. \u201cI reckon you\u2019d best go find Audun.\u201d<\/p>\n<p>&nbsp;<\/p>\n<p><strong>Chapter 37<\/strong><\/p>\n<p><strong><em>June, 1875<\/em><\/strong><\/p>\n<p><em>\u2026Thy Mind so perfect by thy Maker fram\u2019d,<\/em><\/p>\n<p><em>No vain delights can harbor in thy heart,<\/em><\/p>\n<p><em>With his sweet love, thou art so much inflam\u2019d,<\/em><\/p>\n<p><em>As of the world thou seem\u2019st to have no part;<\/em><\/p>\n<p><em>So, love him still, thou need\u2019st not be asham\u2019d<\/em><\/p>\n<p><em>\u2019Tis He that made thee, what thou wert, and art:<\/em><\/p>\n<p><em>\u2019Tis He that dries all tears from Orphans\u2019 eyes,<\/em><\/p>\n<p><em>And hears from heav\u2019n the woeful widows\u2019 cries\u2026<\/em><\/p>\n<p>Adam Cartwright blew out a deep breath in disgust. He was supposed to be trying to forget Tilly. So why was he remembering <em>Salve Deus Rex Judaeorum<\/em>?<\/p>\n<p>For a man who loved reading, Adam had found himself without books during many long stretches of his life. On Ile des Pins, he hadn\u2019t had a book for over a year. That hadn\u2019t been so bad, though\u2014he and Tilly had memorized Bible verses, poems, and large sections of their favorite stories and plays, so having nothing to read, they frequently recited to each other. When he\u2019d been taken away to Grand Terre, and they threw him into that dank, dark dungeon, he had recited everything he knew, along with as much as he could remember of the things Tilly had taught him, for hours on end. Aloud at first, but then his captors had started gagging him. Probably one of the tortures Max had dreamed up. Max had known all kinds of tricks for isolating people physically, mentally and even spiritually.<\/p>\n<p>When he couldn\u2019t speak aloud, Adam had recited things in his head, but it was surprising just how easy it was to lose one\u2019s train of thought that way. Especially when there were things that just couldn\u2019t be reconciled. In prison, he had found it necessary for a time to persuade himself that Tilly was a dream\u2014a preferable alternative to listening to Max describe the intimacies he and Tilly were now sharing\u2014but how in the world had Adam memorized <em>Salve Deus<\/em> if Tilly was really just a dream? They didn\u2019t put much emphasis on obscure women poets at Harvard. Did that mean Tilly was real, after all? No, she couldn\u2019t be, because that would mean what Max was saying might be true.<\/p>\n<p>Of course, she had been real\u2026and now, he knew she\u2019d had a passionate affair with Max even while Max was torturing Adam in prison. And now, when he was trying to persuade himself that forgetting her entirely and moving on with his life and his son was the best thing he could do; now, when he was a couple hundred miles from home and Tilly was in Bavaria with that evil man she loved\u2026she was intruding into his mind again. <em>Damn Amelia Lanyer anyway. Her poetry isn\u2019t even that good; Tilly admitted it.<\/em> But then it was his own fault. Of all the things to forget to bring on an extended trip away from home, how could he have forgotten to bring a single book? <em>Maybe if I hadn\u2019t been in such a rush to run away, I would have thought to bring a book along. <\/em><\/p>\n<p>\u201cAccording to your original calculations, the trenches you and I have been digging ought to come together within the next day and a half,\u201d Joe said, walking up with his shovel over his shoulder. \u201cWhen the water starts flowing, I want to get out of here.\u201d<\/p>\n<p>Of course. He should\u2019ve known. Joe had never been one for patience. \u201cThat\u2019s fine with me, as long as we can stop off at a town somewhere along the way\u2014a town that sells books.\u201d<\/p>\n<p>\u201cI don\u2019t want to be around people right now,\u201d Joe said shortly.<\/p>\n<p>\u201cYou were sociable enough in Silver Peak. And with the Davises\u2014especially Susan\u2014\u201d<\/p>\n<p>\u201cAdam, I\u2019ve told you fifty times. If you don\u2019t like my social calendar, go home.\u201d<\/p>\n<p>\u201cCome with me, and I will.\u201d<\/p>\n<p>\u201cMy home burned to the ground, and my wife with it. I\u2019ve got nothing to go back to!\u201d<\/p>\n<p>\u201cYou have a daughter! She\u2019s growing up without her mother\u2014that\u2019s bad enough, but does she have to grow up without a father too?\u201d<\/p>\n<p>\u201cYou\u2019re a fine one to talk. Audun grew up nearly eleven years without you, and you barely got to know each other when you left him again. Not to mention, since you seem to have forgotten, you have a wife.\u201d<\/p>\n<p>\u201cI d\u2014\u201d he cut himself off. He wasn\u2019t about to tell Joe he didn\u2019t have a wife any more than Joe did. The only difference between Tilly and Alice was that Tilly was still breathing, but she certainly wasn\u2019t Adam Cartwright\u2019s wife now. She\u2019d doubtless taken the train to New York and booked passage on the first steamship headed to Europe.<\/p>\n<p><strong><em>End of March, 1875<\/em><\/strong><\/p>\n<p>\u201cTilly, we need to talk.\u201d<\/p>\n<p>Alice had been dead for two weeks, and during that time Adam had barely spoken a word to Tilly, so perhaps the simple fact of his beginning a conversation accounted for her look of surprise. She said nothing, but stopped scratching Duke\u2019s ears and turned to look up at Adam.<\/p>\n<p>He gazed back: the flat, level stare that had made so many men back down over the long years, but one he had seldom employed with her. \u201cYou said you did what I told you and stayed with the Kunie while I was in prison.\u201d<\/p>\n<p>She looked confused. \u201cI did.\u201d<\/p>\n<p>\u201cThen how\u2019d you and Max got together?\u201d She might have flinched at the mention of Max\u2019s name, but the funny thing was that he had made the accusation, and she had not noticed.<\/p>\n<p>She looked puzzled. \u201cHe looked for me. He brought his troops to the Isle of Pines and came over to see me\u2014several times, I don\u2019t recall how many.\u201d<\/p>\n<p>He swallowed. \u201cAnd when I asked you before if there was anything you wanted to tell me about that time, you said there wasn\u2019t. Is there now?\u201d<\/p>\n<p>She stood and faced him. \u201cWhatever\u2019s on your mind, why don\u2019t you get it out in the open?\u201d<\/p>\n<p>\u201cAll right\u2026why did you do it?\u201d<\/p>\n<p>She went pale at that, and her reply, when it came, was so soft he could barely hear. \u201cBecause it was necessary.\u201d She took a deep breath. \u201cYou weren\u2019t there, Adam! I had to protect myself!\u201d<\/p>\n<p>He could almost believe it; perhaps Max had threatened her too. She didn\u2019t look ashamed. But Max said she had come to love him\u2014he hesitated a moment. \u201cAnd\u2026you still feel that way, then? About Max?\u201d<\/p>\n<p>\u201cMore than ever.\u201d There was venom in her voice.<\/p>\n<p>\u201cThen why didn\u2019t you tell me?\u201d<\/p>\n<p>\u201cWhen could I? When you were still denying my existence? When you were so sick the mere act of standing up made you ill? When touching your back the wrong way opened bleeding wounds? When Veralyn and my baby died? When you got all standoffish just because I was nursing Robin? Or when you were off visiting Alice constantly because she couldn\u2019t be left alone for a single day?\u201d<\/p>\n<p>\u201cI was still your husband, dammit! I had a right to know!\u201d<\/p>\n<p>\u201cAnd I\u2019m your wife, and I had a right to know what was going on back at the prison colony when you decided I shouldn\u2019t go to the commune ever again, too!\u201d<\/p>\n<p>\u201cI was protecting you!\u201d<\/p>\n<p>\u201cWhat did you think <em>I<\/em> was doing? I was protecting you!\u201d<\/p>\n<p>\u201cProtecting <em>me<\/em>? From what?\u201d<\/p>\n<p>Her voice faltered then. \u201cFrom\u2026the memory of Max.\u201d<\/p>\n<p>\u201cReally,\u201d he said. \u201cWhen you called out to him in your sleep and whimpered and whined and writhed on our bed? My bed? The one you didn\u2019t want me in anymore?\u201d<\/p>\n<p>She seemed to realize something then, for her expression changed. Her eyes had never seemed so blue\u2026but he\u2019d never seen her face so white. Then her chin came up, and she looked at him. Somehow he had never known silence could be so powerful a weapon.<\/p>\n<p>\u201cEven now\u2026\u201d he said. \u201cNothing to say?\u201d<\/p>\n<p>\u201cMy father always said it was beneath me to defend my actions,\u201d she snapped. \u201cI have nothing further to say about anything, except maybe you should think twice about throwing stones when you\u2019ve got some pretty big windows yourself.\u201d<\/p>\n<p><strong>Chapter 38<\/strong><\/p>\n<p><strong><em>June, 1875<\/em><\/strong><\/p>\n<p>Ben led Buck out of the barn and nodded to Hoss, who was about to drive out in the buggy. \u201cGood luck, son.\u201d<\/p>\n<p>\u201cMe? You\u2019re the one goin\u2019 out to look for Audun. You\u2019ll need it more than I will.\u201d<\/p>\n<p>\u201cYou haven\u2019t met Tilly\u2019s cousin yet.\u201d He swung painfully into the saddle. He\u2019d forgotten to put Audun\u2019s ointment on his knees the previous night and was forced to admit he could feel its absence.<\/p>\n<p>\u201cIf you\u2019re not home by tonight, I\u2019m comin\u2019 out myself in the morning,\u201d Hoss called after him as Ben put his heels to Buck\u2019s sides.<\/p>\n<p>Sometimes it was wonderful to have a spread that really was a spread. On the other hand, there were sizable disadvantages. Those thousand square miles covered every form of terrain available, from flat prairie to bleak desert, from rolling hills to craggy mountains. But none of those places had been good enough for Audun. He\u2019d headed northwest, off the ranch and into the one place nobody ever went anymore\u2014the low crags below Sun Mountain.<\/p>\n<p>Ben had never had much use for Sun Mountain. After the trouble Mark Burdette and Early Thorne had started between the Paiute and the settlers, all the Ponderosa beef and goodwill in the world hadn\u2019t been enough to stave off a conflict. It had only been a couple of months before Mike Wilson and his equally worthless brother had stirred up a full-fledged war. The settlers, with the help of the cavalry, had run the Paiute out\u2026and then discovered the mountain was one of the few in that area that wasn\u2019t made of silver. So they had tried farming instead, but the rocky, dusty terrain wouldn\u2019t support either cattle or the crops they had planted. Ben had tried to tell them that, but they accused him of being a greedy cattle baron who only wanted the land for himself, so he kept silent after that and watched as the winds blew the thin, plowed-up topsoil away and the hills eroded to barren rock.<\/p>\n<p><em>What made Audun pick this area?<\/em> And as surely as if \u201cthe Old Man in the Stars\u201d had given him the answer, he knew: it couldn\u2019t be anyplace on the Ponderosa, no matter how remote or inaccessible. It couldn\u2019t be on any Soyapo land. Sun Mountain had been Indian land for centuries; the Soyapo who had tried to live there hadn\u2019t lasted past the first year. It was a desolate place, fit for no Indian now, and certainly no white man. Nobody could ever say Audun had tried to take the easy way out. The child was more Nimiipuu than the Nimiipuu.<\/p>\n<p>He remembered when Adam and the boy had returned from the Wallowa, how he had listened to their tales\u2014and more importantly, watched Audun\u2019s face while the stories were being told. Audun had preferred to let Adam tell the stories, and most of them, Adam had told in his usual manner, with a great sense of fun, drama, and flamboyance. But there was one story Adam had begun in such a dry, bare-bones manner that a frustrated Audun had jumped up and said, \u201cFather, if you\u2019re too shy, I will tell it myself.\u201d And Adam had shrugged and leaned back as Audun began\u2026<\/p>\n<p><em>\u201cYou see, Grandfather, Hinmahtooyahlatkekt\u2014the fellow the whites call Young Joseph and we of the Nimiipuu call \u2018Chief Thunder\u2019\u2014 is the head of the Wallowa band. He greeted all the Otter people when we arrived. He remembered me\u2014he was the one who had named me \u2018Little Thunder,\u2019 and I still carry a piece of his spirit. But my father had no\u2026no credentials\u2026that could impress a Nimiipuu in the Wallowa Valley. His Nimiipuutimpt was worse than a four-year-old\u2019s. He was dark enough to pass as a Nimiipuu, but he was covered with hair like a dog. Timothy said, \u2018Not like <u>a<\/u> dog\u2014like his own dog.\u2019 Some of the men joked that it was just as well he did not take a woman. In the dark she might mistake his ugly dog for him\u2026\u201d<\/em><\/p>\n<p><strong><em>September, 1874<\/em><\/strong><\/p>\n<p>Still, Adam had at least lived among the Otter band long enough to smell like them (except when he shaved his beard off each morning using white man\u2019s soap). He was a good rider and a decent gambler, and the men respected those things about him. But he dressed strangely\u2014although he wore a breech clout and leggings, he insisted on keeping his black shirt and he wore it un-tucked, with a Nimiipuu belt. It gave the Nimiipuu something else to smile about. They smiled about him a lot, at first.<\/p>\n<p>It was Alpatokate who became Adam\u2019s best friend. He liked white people, and as the Nimiipuu agreed, why shouldn\u2019t he? He was half white himself. It wasn\u2019t obvious at first glance. He was dark-skinned and black-haired. It was just that his eyes were blue, and unlike the other Indians, who occasionally had to pluck the hairs that sprouted from their chins, this warrior had to shave. If he didn\u2019t, he would grow a full beard and mustache\u2026of a strange, almost brick-red shade.<\/p>\n<p>During the Lewis and Clark expedition, a great many of the men had befriended Indian women. In this instance, one of the Soyapo, a man they had dubbed \u201cDaytime Smoker,\u201d left behind a surprise with a Nimiipuu woman, Tomsis. She gave birth to a son eight months after the men\u2019s departure. The little boy was dubbed \u201cSon of Daytime Smoker,\u201d or Alpatokate\u2014but he started calling himself \u201cMeClark\u201d as soon as he was old enough to talk. He was the son of William Clark, and proud of it.<\/p>\n<p>For all Timothy tried\u2026in his way\u2026to be Adam\u2019s friend, he was too busy to teach him much. More than that, he had too much mischief in his spirit and mistrust in his heart to ever be close to a Soyapo. Alpatokate, however, was 68. He had plenty of time and patience to teach Adam, and the two were soon inseparable. He gave Adam one of his own horses, a black pony called the Crow. The two men hunted and fished together. And the rest of the Nimiipuu looked on, laughing, as \u201cScratch-Back Man\u201d and his ugly dog went everywhere with old Alpatokate.<\/p>\n<p>But one day there was no laughter\u2026and after that day, there was only respect. On that day, Adam Cartwright proved to be the hunter and warrior Audun had always known he was\u2014and Alpatokate was so proud you\u2019d have thought he was Adam\u2019s father.<\/p>\n<p>On that day, some of the men and older boys went on an elk hunt. Alpatokate stayed behind with the women; he would come when it was time to butcher the kills. But since Audun had expressed a firm intent to join the men, Adam went along. The men had been hesitant, but Adam was insistent. (That his bow and arrows were of Paiute design was not in his favor, but he was a good enough shot to almost make up for it.) They left it up to Chief Thunder and his brother Ollokot to decide, since they were accompanying the hunters, too. Ollokot grudgingly allowed Adam to come, but Lady, in a horrifying breach of protocol, had followed them. Adam sent her back twice, and Yellow Wolf threatened to shoot her, but Adam spoke firmly and everyone thought she had finally given up.<\/p>\n<p>It was early in the rutting season, a good time to hunt. All the bull elks were prancing, displaying themselves and fighting. Two young bulls had squared off, which made them excellent targets. However, the first hunters\u2019 arrows only wounded the angry elks, which separated and charged the nearest Indians.<\/p>\n<p>One of the nearby Indians was Chief Thunder. The bull\u2019s huge antlers caught his horse in the flank, and the horse crashed down, its rider having no time to jump free; he lay trapped by one leg under the horse, struggling to get away. The elk turned again, intending to trample the helpless man and the horse, but five arrows from five different directions struck almost at the same time, sending it to the ground. There was no time to celebrate, though\u2014the other bull was charging. By this time Chief Thunder had managed to get his leg out from under his horse and haul himself to his feet, but there was the elk, bearing down on him. Another barrage of arrows assaulted the elk, but he kept coming.<\/p>\n<p>A black blur flashed by then: Adam Cartwright, wearing an expression no Nimiipuu had ever seen and spurring his black pony like a madman, swooped toward Chief Thunder, one long arm stretched out; Thunder grasped his arm and swung up behind him; the horse never even slowed, but sprinted toward the safety of the other hunters. The charging elk\u2019s antler went harmlessly through the horse\u2019s tail, and at just that moment, the Soyapo man\u2019s big, ugly\u2014and very disobedient\u2014dog shot from behind the trees and grabbed the elk by the nose. She only clung there a minute before the elk was able to fling her off, but she had slowed it down enough that the elk became an easy shot.<\/p>\n<p>And as the men all laughed and congratulated each other, and the women butchered the two elk, old Alpatokate pointed out that of all the arrows in the first elk, the one lodged squarely in its carotid artery was of Paiute design.<\/p>\n<p>That day Adam Cartwright became known to the Nimiipuu as <em>H\u00e1atyata\u2019qanin\u2019<\/em>\u2014\u201cWrapped in the Wind.\u201d And his ugly dog was still just a \u201cc\u00edq\u2019a\u00b7mqal,\u201d but the Indians said she could follow them wherever she liked after that. They gave her part of the elk\u2019s heart and liver, just as they gave part to Adam, because they were both hunters and warriors.<\/p>\n<p>The next day, Audun and Adam came to the men\u2019s sweat lodge, and after the greetings, Chief Thunder motioned Audun over. \u201cYour father is a man to respect,\u201d Hinmahtooyahlatkekt said.<\/p>\n<p><strong><em>June, 1875<\/em><\/strong><\/p>\n<p>Ben remembered Audun\u2019s shining eyes as he had told the story.<\/p>\n<p><em>\u201cAnd Grandfather,\u201d Audun said, looking at him significantly, \u201cIt was just a little disrespectful, but you know, I told Hinmahtooyahlatkekt \u2018I already knew that, and I know it now even better than you do!\u2019\u201d<\/em><\/p>\n<p>But, Ben thought, Audun should have remembered those words of Chief Thunder. \u201cYour father is a man to respect.\u201d If Audun had just thought of his father\u2026<\/p>\n<p>And then he chuckled in surprise as he realized the truth.<\/p>\n<p>By Audun\u2019s convoluted logic, he <em>was<\/em> thinking of his father. His father had never even gone on a spirit quest, but he\u2019d gotten a w\u00e1yakin anyway, the day he had won a name from the People. Audun\u2019s only names from the Nimiipuu had been gifts from other men. If his father, a stranger to the Indians\u2019 ways, had come to them a nobody but then won respect and a name all his own, how could any son who respected his father do less?<\/p>\n<p><strong>Chapter 39<\/strong><\/p>\n<p><strong><em>June, 1875<\/em><\/strong><\/p>\n<p>Charlotte Hoffman\u2014insistently lugging her own heavy carpetbag\u2014came down the stairs of the International House right behind the messenger boy, to find a huge cowboy waiting at the front desk. Tilly, however, was nowhere in sight.<\/p>\n<p>She stomped over to the big cowboy. \u201cWho are you, and where\u2019s Tilly?\u201d<\/p>\n<p>The big fellow grinned harmlessly. \u201cSorry, Miss. My name\u2019s Hoss Cartwright. Tilly\u2019s my sister-in-law. She\u2019s sick this mornin\u2019 and couldn\u2019t come into town.\u201d<\/p>\n<p>\u201cWhat\u2019s wrong with her?\u201d<\/p>\n<p>\u201cUm\u2026she had somethin\u2019 that didn\u2019t agree with her stomach.\u201d<\/p>\n<p>\u201cIs she under a doctor\u2019s care?\u201d<\/p>\n<p>\u201cDoc Martin saw her last night, ma\u2019am. He said with a little rest and drinkin\u2019 lots of water, she\u2019d be all right.\u201d<\/p>\n<p>\u201cSo when will she come to town?\u201d<\/p>\n<p>\u201cWell, ma\u2019am, she sorta thought you might come to see her at the Ponderosa. You\u2019re invited to stay, if you like.\u201d<\/p>\n<p>\u201cBut I don\u2019t know you! We haven\u2019t been properly introduced. If you really know Tilly, I can\u2019t believe you\u2019d make such an offer. She knows that\u2019s not proper.\u201d<\/p>\n<p>\u201cUm\u2026ma\u2019am, Tilly\u2019s exact words were, \u2018hell, damn, and spit on propriety; if my cousin\u2019s really here, she will remove her hide to the Ponderosa at once\u2019\u2014or I\u2019m to carry you there on my shoulder.\u201d<\/p>\n<p>\u201cNot likely. I\u2019ll be returning to my room now. Tell Tilly\u2014\u201d<\/p>\n<p>\u201cMa\u2019am,\u201d said Hoss, turning beet-red, \u201cThere\u2019s more to the message.\u201d He removed a small piece of paper and said, \u201cPlease \u2019scuse me if this sounds funny, but I copied it from what she said. Um\u2026\u201d Looking most unhappy, he began to read. \u201c<em>Fain would I wed a fair young man that day and night could please me<\/em>\u2026um\u2026.\u201d<\/p>\n<p>Charlotte gasped and grabbed the paper from his hand, rapidly scanning down. \u201c\u2026<em>Yet I would not die a maid, because I had a mother\/As I was by one brought forth I would bring forth another<\/em>\u2026oh dear God, this <em>is<\/em> from Tilly! There\u2019s no time to waste, man\u2014take me to her!\u201d<\/p>\n<p>With that, she headed out the door.<\/p>\n<p>As they drove out of Virginia City, he timidly asked, \u201cCan you tell me what all that was about, Ma\u2019am?\u201d<\/p>\n<p>Charlotte laughed. \u201cWe both hated that poem. Campion was a pig. He thought women lived only to get married and have babies.\u201d<\/p>\n<p>\u201cOh,\u201d said Hoss, just as lost as before.<\/p>\n<p>\u201cTilly wanted to get married, but more than that, she wanted to be a teacher. I didn\u2019t want to get married, and I wanted to be a doctor,\u201d Charlotte explained.<\/p>\n<p>\u201cOh,\u201d Hoss said again. \u201cAre you a doctor?\u201d<\/p>\n<p>\u201cI am. Is Tilly still teaching, or did she have a lot of babies?\u201d<\/p>\n<p>Hoss scratched his head as he clucked to the horse. \u201cWell, yes and no. She still teaches, but not for a job. She teaches Adam\u2019s son. And well, she had a baby\u2026but\u2026um\u2026\u201d<\/p>\n<p>\u201cAh. I\u2019m sorry. Tell me about Tilly\u2019s husband\u2014your brother, I guess. Does he look like you?\u201d<\/p>\n<p>Hoss chuckled. \u201cNot even a little bit, ma\u2019am.\u201d<\/p>\n<p>\u201cI reckon you can stop calling me ma\u2019am. If you\u2019re really Tilly\u2019s brother-in-law, that makes you my cousin. Call me Cousin Charlotte.\u201d<\/p>\n<p>\u201cYes, ma\u2019am.\u201d<\/p>\n<p>\u201cAre you married too?\u201d<\/p>\n<p>Hoss looked at her in surprise, and then turned his attention back to the road. \u201cNot anymore, Miss\u2014er, Cousin Charlotte. My wife died.\u201d<\/p>\n<p>She had heard something about a Cartwright wife who had died not long ago. \u201cI\u2019m sorry. Was she the one in the fire?\u201d<\/p>\n<p>He glanced at her briefly and clenched his jaw. \u201cNo, Cousin Charlotte. That was my brother Joe\u2019s wife, Alice Cartwright.\u201d<\/p>\n<p>She\u2019d heard a joke in town that the quickest way for a woman to die was to marry a Cartwright, and now she half believed it. No wonder Tilly was sick\u2014at this rate she was lucky to be alive. \u201cI\u2019m sorry,\u201d she said again, and for half an hour they drove in silence. \u201cWhen will we reach this \u2018Ponderosa\u2019?\u201d she asked at length.<\/p>\n<p>\u201cWe\u2019re on it,\u201d he replied, \u201cbut if you\u2019re askin\u2019 when we\u2019ll get to the house, that\u2019s another hour and a half or so at this gait. It\u2019s pretty big.\u201d<\/p>\n<p>She considered this. \u201cAnd how long have Tilly and Adam been married?\u201d<\/p>\n<p>\u201cSix years last February.\u201d<\/p>\n<p>\u201cBut\u2026they didn\u2019t live here the whole time. They went to Europe at some point.\u201d<\/p>\n<p>\u201cNo, ma\u2019am. I mean, yes ma\u2019am.\u201d<\/p>\n<p>\u201cAre you always this forthcoming with information?\u201d<\/p>\n<p>\u201cHuh?\u201d<\/p>\n<p>\u201cI mean you don\u2019t give out much. I\u2019m trying to find out about my cousin\u2019s life since the last time we met.\u201d<\/p>\n<p>\u201cWhen was that?\u201d<\/p>\n<p>She slapped the wagon seat. \u201cGood Lord a\u2019mercy, before the war\u20141859. She was leavin\u2019 for Europe and I was just about to go to college. I knew she was going to get married, but I thought it would be to Harold. Adam Cartwright was a name I never heard before, not until I heard about Uncle Rheinhard\u2019s funeral.\u201d<\/p>\n<p>\u201cTilly\u2019s pa died right around Christmas, 1868,\u201d Hoss offered. \u201cAdam paid for the headstone. How come it took you so long to come lookin\u2019 for Tilly?\u201d<\/p>\n<p>\u201cWell, I graduated college. My pa had a doctor friend who had gone to Connecticut, and I went to his place to train in medicine and get licensed\u2026but it was right before the war began. And then I couldn\u2019t get back to Georgia.\u201d<\/p>\n<p>\u201cOn account of the war?\u201d<\/p>\n<p>\u201cYep. Afterwards, I came back to Savannah, but Ma and Pa were dead; Aunt Tilly\u2014Tilly\u2019s ma that is\u2014was sick with somethin\u2019 contagious\u2026\u201d<\/p>\n<p>\u201cI thought you were a doctor. Don\u2019t you know what she had?\u201d Hoss asked.<\/p>\n<p>\u201cLord, take your pick!\u201d she exclaimed. \u201cMeasles, typhoid, cholera, dysentery\u2014there were dozens of diseases floating around the city after the siege. I was never told what she had and I wasn\u2019t allowed to see her. And Tilly\u2019s pa\u2019d been institutionalized. Nobody knew anything about Tilly, so I thought either she was dead or had stayed in Europe. She\u2019d been s\u2019posed to marry a boy named Harold Baker, but the Baker family that I knew in Savannah had all died in the siege, and I didn\u2019t know where to find Harold.\u201d<\/p>\n<p>Hoss gave her a compassionate look. \u201cSounds like you was pretty alone yerself. Didn\u2019t you have any sisters or brothers?\u201d<\/p>\n<p>She shook her head. \u201cTilly and her brothers were the closest I had to family. I got a letter from my doctor friend in Connecticut saying since I had my license he\u2019d let me nurse for him, so I went back North for a while\u2026but it wasn\u2019t home, and I didn\u2019t like nursing, not when I\u2019d trained to be a doctor. Problem was I couldn\u2019t work at any hospitals, not as a doctor. So I applied to St. Bartholomew\u2019s, in London, and they accepted me. I went there three years ago. While I was there, I made friends with an English boy who had some odd notions\u2014I knew he\u2019d never be a doctor. Maybe a medical examiner\u2026his name was Sherlock Holmes\u2014\u201d<\/p>\n<p>\u201cAdam and Tilly had a friend by that name,\u201d Hoss realized. \u201cOnly she called him Liam.\u201d<\/p>\n<p>\u201cThat\u2019s right. Somehow we got to talkin\u2019 about America when we were cutting up a cadaver, and he told me I was only the third or fourth American he\u2019d ever met. Said he was great friends with an American from Montana: Tilly. I told him I\u2019d had a cousin named Tilly, and pretty soon we realized my cousin and his friend were the same person. He didn\u2019t mention she was married, though. Said she lived in a place called Virginia City. One day he left, and I never saw him again. Heard he\u2019d run off to Paris to look for some papers or something; his brother was always getting him to do strange errands like that. So when I finished up at Bart\u2019s, I went looking for Tilly again\u2014in Virginia City, Montana.\u201d<\/p>\n<p>\u201cAdam and Tilly said that Holmes boy was smart, but I wonder,\u201d Hoss observed. \u201cMontana, my eye.\u201d<\/p>\n<p>\u201cIt\u2019s not a nice place. I\u2019d already had enough unpleasant experiences being a woman traveling alone, but that whole area\u2019s\u2026well, it\u2019s bad. A lot of mean miners, that\u2019s all, and I will NOT talk about them anymore. I stayed nearly two months, looking for Tilly, and then I gave up and went home to Savannah. I was hoping maybe Aunt Tilly\u2014that is, Tilly\u2019s mother\u2014had gotten better, but she\u2019d died, and so had Uncle Rheinhard. I found out where they were buried, and who had paid for Uncle Rheinhard\u2019s funeral. When I learned these Cartwright people were in Virginia City, Nevada, I knew that silly Sherlock fella had met the right person, but thought of the wrong place. I came here as soon as I could.\u201d<\/p>\n<p>\u201cThat\u2019s a heck\u2014\u2019scuse me\u2014of a journey.\u201d<\/p>\n<p>\u201cIt\u2019ll be worth it to find Tilly.\u201d<\/p>\n<p>\u201cReckon so,\u201d Hoss agreed.<\/p>\n<p>\u201cYou sure are polite, Hoss. But I\u2019m not used to quiet men. Don\u2019t you talk?\u201d<\/p>\n<p>\u201cNot as much as I used to,\u201d Hoss said.<\/p>\n<p><strong>Chapter 40<\/strong><\/p>\n<p><strong><em>June, 1875<\/em><\/strong><\/p>\n<p>&nbsp;<\/p>\n<p>\u201cI\u2019m not going to meet her lying in bed, Hop Sing!\u201d Tilly raged. \u201cI haven\u2019t seen her in 16 years, and I\u2019m not gonna\u2014\u201d<\/p>\n<p>\u201cYou are. Mr. Cartwright say\u2014<em>said<\/em>\u2014you lie down, so I make you lie down if you don\u2019t be sensible. You not\u2026you <em>are<\/em> not\u2026the only one who knows how to throw a pan, Missy Tilly.\u201d<\/p>\n<p>\u201cBut I need to take care of the babies\u2026\u201d<\/p>\n<p>\u201cFine time to think of it!\u201d Hop Sing retorted. \u201cWhere were you yesterday when they put mud pie in Duke\u2019s ear?\u201d<\/p>\n<p>Tilly looked at her hands. \u201cYou fight dirty, Hop Sing.\u201d<\/p>\n<p>He sighed. \u201cBabies downstair in corral.\u201d<\/p>\n<p>At least that made her smile. \u201cThe corral\u201d was a little fence Hoss had built, smooth-polished and padded, its rails too close together to allow slipping out, and vertical to discourage climbing. They had moved the coffee table to make room for it, and that way the babies could play together without fear that they\u2019d get into something dangerous. Usually, Bonnie and Robin played and amused themselves pretty well together, although a few weeks before, Bonnie had discovered how much fun it was to hit Robin over the head with whatever toy she had at hand. Robin thus far had not minded, but Tilly couldn\u2019t help wondering what would happen if Robin ever decided to hit back. Fortunately Duke, Ceirdwyn, and Bruce were all on duty as babysitters, too.<\/p>\n<p>She suddenly realized Hop Sing was talking again.<\/p>\n<p>\u201cSomeday soon, I will leave this house, and then everybody here can make self sick if they want to. That\u2019s the only reason I stay here so long, everybody gonna die without ME to take care of white people. But I gotta life to live too. You wanna die, Missy Tilly, you do on your own time, not mine.\u201d<\/p>\n<p>Too shocked to reply to his tirade at first, Tilly sank back into the pillows and looked at him. \u201cWould you really leave us, Hop Sing? You\u2019re right\u2014the house <em>will <\/em>fall apart without you.\u201d<\/p>\n<p>\u201cCartwrights gotta learn to take care of self sometime,\u201d Hop Sing replied philosophically.<\/p>\n<p>\u201cBut why would you leave? You know everyone here thinks of you as part of the family.\u201d<\/p>\n<p>\u201cNo, Missy Tilly. Used to think so, but it\u2019s not true. I pack basket, but don\u2019t go on family picnic. I cook dinner but eat alone in kitchen. I watch babies\u2026but don\u2019t have my own.\u201d<\/p>\n<p>\u201cNeither do I,\u201d Tilly mumbled.<\/p>\n<p>Hop Sing patted her hand. \u201cYou have soon. I know. But me\u2014no. How can I have baby without wife? Mr. Cartwright, all sons and wives, very kind to me, pay well, help relatives, make people in town treat us better\u2014but we are not family. I am more than a servant, but I certainry\u2026ly\u2026am less than family. I work for Cartwrights 27 years, Missy Tilly. I want my own restaurant. Maybe a family of my own too.\u201d<\/p>\n<p>\u201cGood Lord, Hop Sing\u2026I had no idea.\u201d<\/p>\n<p>\u201cWhy? Did you think I have no dreams?\u201d<\/p>\n<p>\u201cHeavens, no! I just meant you never gave any indication of dissatisfaction!\u201d<\/p>\n<p>Hop Sing shook his head. \u201cYou say Chinese are \u2018inscrutable.\u2019 It\u2019s not so, but we are very polite. Good servants don\u2019t tell dreams. Good servants stay invisible. Now I gotta make pie. Excuse, please.\u201d<\/p>\n<p>\u201cWait a minute! Are you really getting married? Do you have a bride already picked out?\u201d<\/p>\n<p>\u201cNo\u2026it\u2019s difficult.\u201d<\/p>\n<p>\u201cWhy? Tell me.\u201d<\/p>\n<p>\u201cNormally, relatives in Hong Kong would pick a wife for me\u2026but few women want to make such a long journey to meet a man my age who has only been a servant all his life. And the women here\u2026I have spoken to some people, but\u2026the parents have high hopes for their daughters.\u201d<\/p>\n<p>\u201cYou\u2019re a good man! How could anyone object to you?\u201d<\/p>\n<p>\u201cNot objection, but they want their daughters to marry better than another servant. Still\u2026I have hope.\u201d<\/p>\n<p>\u201cBut if she loves you, wouldn\u2019t a girl marry you anyway, even if her parents said no?\u201d<\/p>\n<p>Hop Sing\u2019s eyes widened. \u201cOf course not! What kind of girls do you think the Chinese are?\u201d<\/p>\n<p>\u201cI\u2019m sorry! I\u2026well, you know, our ideas of marriage are a little different.\u201d<\/p>\n<p>\u201cI forgive bad manners. Now I make pie. You want anything before I go?\u201d<\/p>\n<p>\u201cUm\u2026yes, please\u2014could you hand me a book? The one on the dresser will do.\u201d<\/p>\n<p>He did so, and then left quickly\u2014too quickly for her to say that she\u2019d meant the <em>other<\/em> book on the dresser. She had forgotten there were two books there, and the awful <em>other<\/em> book was one of them. Now her Bible remained happily on the dresser, and she was holding the last book in the world she wanted to hold.<\/p>\n<p><strong><em>December, 1874<\/em><\/strong><\/p>\n<p>No one seemed to notice the layer of permafrost that had settled over Adam. He was polite to his wife, took his usual pains to see to her care and comfort, and he accepted with equanimity such affection as she was willing to bestow. But the long talks they had once known were replaced by brief logistical discussions, and the late nights they had used to keep were replaced by Adam reading alone in the living room until he thought Tilly was asleep.<\/p>\n<p>She wasn\u2019t, of course, but had quickly learned to fake it. She still put the gag on herself once she was sure he was sleeping, but now and again she would awaken with it untied, and she always wondered if the knot had come undone on its own or whether it had had help\u2026and she wondered what Adam had heard. Whatever it was only seemed to increase his aloofness. Before long, though, he had other things to worry about. He\u2019d told her, not long after his return, that he had had only had one or two nightmares while he and Audun had been away, and he really hoped they were over and done with. But in early December he\u2019d awakened, screaming, and it took Tilly and Lady both to settle him down.<\/p>\n<p>At the time, he\u2019d been working on plans for their own house. His father had objected, of course, but Adam had gone ahead with them. Maybe he\u2019d hoped, as Tilly had, that getting out on their own would allow them to grow close again, and that they and Audun could be their own family.<\/p>\n<p>But then had come the day it all came crashing down, right on her shoulders too, for it was well and truly her fault.<\/p>\n<p>She had gone to see Paul Martin that day, and they had a long talk. She told him of her fear of any future pregnancy, of the clockwork-regular nightmares that left her skin crawling and her soul defiled; she told him\u2014although she stopped just short of telling him why\u2014that she was afraid she deserved her childless state because she must have committed some unpardonable sin.<\/p>\n<p>\u201cI\u2019m not the one you\u2019d want to talk to about sin,\u201d he replied with a smile, \u201cbut I can tell you you\u2019re not the only woman to ever feel this way. I\u2019ve seen an even dozen women with similar complaints in the last five years. Most of \u2019em felt that way because some drunken lout had taken advantage of them. Not to be indelicate, but is there any chance of that having happened to you?\u201d<\/p>\n<p>\u201cOh no,\u201d she replied with a forced laugh, for Max hadn\u2019t been drunk, and neither of the men who\u2019d tried had succeeded. \u201cBut are you sure I\u2019m not\u2026I don\u2019t know, could I possibly be\u2026my father went insane, Paul. I\u2019ve heard it can be hereditary. Is there any chance\u2026do you think I\u2026\u201d<\/p>\n<p>\u201cTilly, you are far too hard-headed to go mad,\u201d he said. \u201cHowever, from the look on your face, I can tell you don\u2019t believe me, so\u2026\u201d with that he plunked a heavy book onto his desk: <em>Medical Inquiries and Observations upon the Diseases of the Mind<\/em>, <em>by Benjamin Rush, MD, 1812<\/em>. Paul shrugged. \u201cIt\u2019s old, but it\u2019s still the definitive work as far as I\u2019m concerned. Why don\u2019t you borrow this\u2014I don\u2019t need it back anytime soon\u2014and read it, and I\u2019m pretty sure you\u2019ll see that you\u2019re all right.\u201d<\/p>\n<p>\u201cOh, Paul, now I think <em>you<\/em> must be insane! I couldn\u2019t take this home. If Adam saw it\u2014\u201d<\/p>\n<p>\u201cStill sensitive, is he? Well, read it in town then. Go have lunch and look through it for a while.\u201d<\/p>\n<p>So she did; she took a quiet corner in a little out-of-the-way caf\u00e9 on B Street, ordered a bowl of stew, and began to peruse the pages. She\u2019d known, of course, that Adam was at Becker and Lloyd\u2019s, and that Becker and Lloyd\u2019s was near Piper\u2019s, just at the end of B Street. But she was on the other end of the street, and it was a steep climb\u2026and it wasn\u2019t quite lunchtime yet.<\/p>\n<p>When he came in, she saw him and involuntarily shrank against the wall, hoping he wouldn\u2019t see her. But he noticed her immediately, and changed course to join her. \u201cHowdy, stranger,\u201d he said, sliding into the opposite chair. \u201cWhat brings you into town, and however did you escape the little eating machine?\u201d<\/p>\n<p>\u201cRobin\u2019s with his grandpappy for a while,\u201d Tilly said with a smile she did not feel, laying her napkin over the book. \u201cI had some business to take care of.\u201d<\/p>\n<p>\u201cYou should\u2019ve told me. We could\u2019ve come into town together.\u201d<\/p>\n<p>\u201cI\u2014I didn\u2019t plan to be here that long.\u201d<\/p>\n<p>\u201cIf you want to come over to the office, I can show you the plans for\u2026what are you reading?\u201d<\/p>\n<p>\u201cOh, just some of Lanyer\u2019s poetry; I know you don\u2019t care for her but\u2014\u201d she was prepared to lie herself into hell, if it would keep him from looking, but he\u2019d already moved the napkin aside and turned the book around.<\/p>\n<p>\u201c<em>Those who walk and talk in their sleep<\/em>\u2026\u201d He looked sharply at her, and then back at the book. \u201c\u2026<em>vibrations of nervous influence\u2026scarcely any memory\u2026dreaming is a transient paroxysm of delirium\u2026<\/em>\u201d He took a deep breath and took her face in his hands, forcing her to meet his eyes. \u201cNice reading for lunchtime, but just which of <em>Lanyer\u2019s<\/em> works is it?\u201d<\/p>\n<p>Funny how she\u2019d looked into those eyes millions of times over the last six years\u2014first wondering what color to call them, then wondering what lay behind them, and then being allowed to see into them on a few occasions, learning of all the love and hopes and fears and courage and dreams crowding about, jostling for supremacy. Now there was a veil over them; she looked desperately and saw nothing.<\/p>\n<p>He stood up. \u201cEnjoy your book,\u201d he said quietly, and turned on his heel.<\/p>\n<p>She cried out after him, \u201cAdam, it was for me\u2014\u201d but by then his long legs had carried him away.<\/p>\n<p>She returned the book to Paul and went home. That night, Adam came in smelling of alcohol and carrying the book. \u201cBorrowed it from Paul for your continued reading pleasure,\u201d he said, dropping it on the dresser with a thump. \u201cNever knew how much he appreciated Lanyer.\u201d<\/p>\n<p><strong>Chapter 41<\/strong><\/p>\n<p><strong><em>June, 1875<\/em><\/strong><\/p>\n<p>Ben\u2019s eyes were constantly sweeping the thin sand, looking around the scrub brush, searching for anything that might resemble a twelve-year-old boy. But his mind was oddly detached, thinking over that conversation with Tilly and wondering what she hadn\u2019t told him.<\/p>\n<p><strong><em>A few hours earlier<\/em><\/strong><\/p>\n<p>\u201cNo, Max wasn\u2019t my friend. I was a barely more than a child in Paris and with the exception of Uncle Blake, I had known only good people. It never occurred to me that there were other men in the world just as wicked as Blake; especially not handsome young men in Paris.\u201d<\/p>\n<p>\u201cWhen did you discover that Max was the one torturing Adam?\u201d<\/p>\n<p>\u201cNot until I got to Grand Terre. I\u2019d had my suspicions all along, though. He was playing a game with me, telling me all kinds of conflicting stories about Adam and trying to get me to\u2026to\u2026to leave Adam for him.\u201d She shrugged. \u201cI wasn\u2019t accommodating.\u201d<\/p>\n<p>\u201cWhat do you mean, conflicting stories?\u201d<\/p>\n<p>Tilly shook her head. \u201cToo many to remember or keep straight. He could get the <em>governeur <\/em>to stop torturing Adam if I was \u2018nice\u2019 to him. He had no power at all to help Adam, but he could get me out of the Pacific entirely\u2014things like that. Once he actually told me Adam was dying or dead, and his last wish was for Max to take me to safety. I refused. I was staying with the natives, and had made an agreement with them that if Max or his troops tried to take me away, the Kunie would shoot me.\u201d<\/p>\n<p>\u201cWhat?\u201d<\/p>\n<p>\u201cBy that time I\u2019d started putting together all the stories about Max and not liking what I knew. When I knew him in Paris he had a habit of proposing to well-off girls and availing himself of their money. Then he\u2019d break the engagement. He proposed to a couple of not-well-off girls, and they ended up\u2026in a fix. Alain told me bits and pieces of it while Adam was in prison in Paris, but I didn\u2019t believe it\u2026too much like my mother, I guess. She never believed anyone she liked could be a bad person, either. I knew Max was flighty and bad with money or I might have\u2014well, I was silly and had a head full of romance back then\u2014thank God I\u2019ll never be that young again. Once I got to really know Max, on the Isle of Pines, I hated him and was terrified of him, more for Adam\u2019s sake than mine. I was afraid he would use me to get to Adam\u2014I was surprised he never did. But <em>now<\/em> I think he used me to get to Adam, even without using me.\u201d<\/p>\n<p>Ben nodded. \u201cYou think Max lied to Adam about you, the same way he lied to you about Adam.\u201d<\/p>\n<p>Tilly sighed. \u201cBut it never occurred to me that Adam would believe him. <em>I<\/em> never did.\u201d<\/p>\n<p>\u201cBut you were free. It was Adam whose mind was being preyed on. Didn\u2019t you tell me he was starved, deprived of sleep, kept alone and in darkness for weeks at a time? You told me that when you found him, he didn\u2019t even recognize you. In a situation like that, I could imagine his sense of reality becoming distorted. Tilly, do you remember your dreams about Max when you wake up?\u201d<\/p>\n<p>\u201cI don\u2019t want to\u2014but yes, most of them.\u201d<\/p>\n<p>\u201cAre they always the same?\u201d<\/p>\n<p>\u201cNo, not exactly. In some he starts off mean and stays mean; in some he\u2019s good and kind, and woos me like any number of the nice boys I used to know\u2026but always, he ends up trying to\u2026to take me by force. I whimper and beg him to stop, and I scream but it only comes out as little muted whines; I squirm and cringe, trying to get away from him, but I can\u2019t. Thank God it\u2019s just a dream.\u201d<\/p>\n<p>\u201cDid he try that in reality?\u201d<\/p>\n<p>Tilly swallowed. Her cheeks crimsoned and her fists clenched. He covered her hands with his.<\/p>\n<p>\u201cWhat happened, Tilly?\u201d<\/p>\n<p>\u201cI got away,\u201d Tilly mumbled, freeing her hands. \u201cHe didn\u2019t get me. Liam showed up with the British Marines, and the soldiers had to let me go.\u201d<\/p>\n<p>\u201cBut what happened to Max? Didn\u2019t he try to claim you were his prisoner?\u201d<\/p>\n<p>Tilly drew her bed shawl tightly around herself. \u201cI told you, I got away.\u201d<\/p>\n<p>\u201cTilly,\u201d Ben said firmly, \u201cI thought you were going to be honest with me.\u201d<\/p>\n<p>\u201cI have been!\u201d she retorted. \u201cI told you what you asked, and I swear on my mother\u2019s grave, it\u2019s true. I did not do anything with Max that I\u2019m ashamed of, and I will say that to God on Judgment Day. And even if I had\u2026fought him off\u2026Adam\u2019s fought with plenty of people too, so why would he be angry at me?\u201d<\/p>\n<p>He thought for a while and then sighed\u2014apparently Tilly and Adam were well-suited, at least in the stubbornness department. \u201cDoes Adam know any of this?\u201d<\/p>\n<p>\u201cNothing but whatever he thinks he knows from Max.\u201d<\/p>\n<p>\u201cThe dreams\u2026is Adam ever in them?\u201d<\/p>\n<p>\u201cHe\u2019s in most of them.\u201d<\/p>\n<p>\u201cWhat does he do?\u201d<\/p>\n<p>\u201cNot a bloody thing. I have to get away by myself\u2014or I don\u2019t get away at all in some of them\u2014and Adam just watches and smiles.\u201d<\/p>\n<p>At that, Ben could scarcely think of a reply. He settled for, \u201cOh.\u201d He risked looking at her, and thanked God she wasn\u2019t crying. \u201cTilly\u2026\u201d he finally said, \u201cDo you hate Adam?\u201d<\/p>\n<p>He could see her bristling. \u201cOf course not\u2014why would I?\u201d<\/p>\n<p>\u201cI don\u2019t know\u2014maybe for not protecting you from Max.\u201d<\/p>\n<p>\u201cThat makes no sense\u2014he wasn\u2019t there.\u201d<\/p>\n<p>\u201cYou know that when you\u2019re awake. But\u2026\u201d he shrugged. \u201cMaybe when you\u2019re asleep, you don\u2019t know. Maybe that\u2019s why he\u2019s watching but doing nothing. And then you wake up and you hate him.\u201d<\/p>\n<p>She seethed for a moment; then, with a visible effort, calmed herself. \u201cI guess if Adam can think that\u2014and he does seem to\u2014it\u2019d be even easier for you. You\u2019ve had your doubts all along.\u201d She swallowed convulsively. \u201cLet me allay your fears, Ben. I know some people can do it, but I can\u2019t love somebody and hate \u2019em at the same time. I love Adam like a drought-stricken land loves the rain.\u201d<\/p>\n<p>\u201cThen why did you never tell him about Max? He seemed to want to remember\u2014why didn\u2019t you allow him to?\u201d<\/p>\n<p>\u201cI was trying to protect him.\u201d<\/p>\n<p>\u201cPaul Martin says sometimes remembering is the first step to healing.\u201d<\/p>\n<p>\u201cI doubt Paul Martin ever spent a few months being tortured.\u201d<\/p>\n<p>\u201cYou\u2019re probably right, but\u2026will you allow that I might know Adam better than you?\u201d<\/p>\n<p>\u201cNo.\u201d She smiled a little. \u201cI might allow that you\u2019ve known him longer.\u201d<\/p>\n<p>Ben sighed. \u201cAll right, I admit our relations with him are on a different level than yours.\u201d<\/p>\n<p>\u201cThe \u2018royal we,\u2019 Ben?\u201d<\/p>\n<p>He looked over at her and, possibly for the first time, realized that there was mischief in her face, but not malice, so he smiled back. \u201cNo\u2014I mean Joe, Hoss and myself. I understand you know him in a different way. But has he ever talked to you about Peter Kane?\u201d<\/p>\n<p>A shadow crossed her face. \u201cNo\u2026but I know he has nightmares about him now and then.\u201d<\/p>\n<p>\u201c\u2018Now and then\u2019 is quite an improvement. When we\u2014Hoss, Joe and I\u2014found Adam wandering in the desert, towing Kane\u2019s body on a travois, Adam was a\u2026a shipwreck.\u201d Ben managed a crooked smile of his own. \u201cHe bottled up the story of Kane and wouldn\u2019t tell us what happened until he\u2019d been driven half mad by it. Then he managed to talk about it\u2026a little\u2026and the nightmares began to fade. Tilly, he needs to remember what happened in that prison, and he needs to remember Max. He needs to get at least a little of it out. Otherwise it\u2019s like confining yeast: it rises until it breaks the container.\u201d<\/p>\n<p>\u201cMaybe.\u201d She looked unconvinced.<\/p>\n<p>\u201cThe next time you see Adam, I want you to tell him about Max\u2014and don\u2019t hold back, even if you think it will hurt him. <em>Even if you think he won\u2019t forgive you<\/em>.\u201d He played his wild card. \u201cAnd one more thing\u2026when you do tell him the whole story\u2026I want you to ask him about Ross Marquette. And demand that he tell you the whole story, too.\u201d<\/p>\n<p>\u201cWho\u2019s Ross Marquette?\u201d<\/p>\n<p>\u201cAsk Adam.\u201d<\/p>\n<p>\u201cYou do love being mysterious.\u201d She laughed a little. \u201cYou know, Ben, my father told me once, when I was little\u2014I was a dreadful crybaby then\u2014he told me never to let anyone know my thoughts. He said it was death to let others see your thoughts, and I should never care if anyone told lies about me. He said the people who believed such things of me weren\u2019t worth my time, and the ones who were worth my time would never believe a lie. I\u2019ve lived my life that way\u2014it\u2019s why you and I have had so many little tiffs.\u201d<\/p>\n<p>Ben took her hand for a moment, warming it with his own. \u201cIt\u2019s funny\u2014I\u2019ve always told my boys something similar. I wish I\u2019d known your father\u2014it might have saved you and me some fighting.\u201d<\/p>\n<p>\u201cBut Ben\u2026Adam knows all this. Why is he forgetting now when I need him to remember?\u201d<\/p>\n<p>\u201cMaybe you need to remind him\u2014he\u2019s the one who needs to remember a lot of things. I don\u2019t think he\u2019ll ever heal from what happened on that island until he faces it.\u201d<\/p>\n<p>As he left the room, he heard her mutter under her breath, \u201cMax, you\u2019ve been burning in hell for two years now and you\u2019re still ruining our lives.\u201d<\/p>\n<p><strong><em>June, 1875<\/em><\/strong><\/p>\n<p>Ben skirted an outcrop of jagged boulders, wondering if his suspicion was correct, and deciding he\u2019d best resign himself to not knowing. If Tilly had really killed the man, she obviously had no intention of confessing it. Why, he could not fathom\u2014if her story was true, any woman with an opportunity and gumption would certainly have killed him.<\/p>\n<p><em>What the\u2026<\/em><\/p>\n<p>He thought at first it was a bundle of rags in the distance. But it was Audun.<\/p>\n<p><strong>Chapter 42<\/strong><\/p>\n<p><strong><em>June, 1875<\/em><\/strong><\/p>\n<p>Adam scraped his dusty hat across his sweaty forehead. \u201cI told you, dammit! Simple mathematical calculations, that was all, and just like always, you had to do things the way you wanted. You can\u2019t make your own rules when it comes to math, Joe!\u201d<\/p>\n<p>Little Joe looked in consternation at the two ditches. He had started digging at the near end of the field, and Adam had started digging a hundred feet from the river bank. If the two men had followed the lines Adam had plotted, the two trenches should have met halfway. Instead, only thirty feet from the midpoint, they were looking at two lines some forty feet apart, each running parallel to the other, and with all the scrub brush in between, the two men had almost missed seeing it and kept right on going.<\/p>\n<p>Adam swore a few more times and murmured something Joe didn\u2019t bother to listen to. Instead, he muttered something himself in response.<\/p>\n<p>\u201c<em>What<\/em> did you say?\u201d Adam demanded.<\/p>\n<p>Joe sneered. \u201cI said you\u2019re a tin-plated Napoleon!\u201d<\/p>\n<p>\u201cYou\u2019re the one who couldn\u2019t follow directions!\u201d<\/p>\n<p>\u201cI know what the directions were, and I was close enough! You make everything so complicated, Adam\u2014it was just a simple matter of area and water pressure\u2014\u201d<\/p>\n<p>\u201cAnd friction and energy and angles and gravity and\u2014\u201d<\/p>\n<p>\u201cOh come on! It\u2019s not like building a bridge over San Francisco Bay, for Pete\u2019s sake!\u201d<\/p>\n<p>\u201cYeah? Then how come we got two trenches running parallel to each other? If you\u2019d been in charge of digging the transcontinental railroad they would\u2019ve needed <em>two<\/em> Golden Spikes, one for Promontory and one for Salt Lake City!\u201d<\/p>\n<p>\u201cOh, hell, go exaggerate some more, Professor Cartwright. Couldn\u2019t possibly be you screwed up your precious calculations, could it?\u201d<\/p>\n<p>\u201cThat\u2019s about as likely as you waking up without a hangover on a Monday morning!\u201d<\/p>\n<p>\u201cWhat business is it of yours what I do with my weekends?\u201d<\/p>\n<p>\u201cNone, but when it affects your work Monday\u2014\u201d<\/p>\n<p>\u201cThen it\u2019s Pilcher\u2019s job to keel haul me, Older Brother. Not yours!\u201d<\/p>\n<p>\u201cLook, this was your idea, Joe. Any ideas for salvaging the situation? Or should we just each keep digging parallel trenches and hope Davis sells out to the railroad?\u201d<\/p>\n<p>\u201cI\u2019ll think of something. Go on, Adam, I\u2019m sick of lookin\u2019 at you.\u201d<\/p>\n<p>\u201cYeah, well, the feeling\u2019s mutual.\u201d<\/p>\n<p>\u201cHey, any time you want to leave\u2014\u201d<\/p>\n<p>\u201cDon\u2019t try that now.\u201d Adam shook a filthy finger. \u201cYou\u2019re into me for twenty months at Ponderosa wages, and if you think I\u2019m leaving before I recoup my investment\u2014\u201d<\/p>\n<p>Joe retaliated by shoving Adam in the chest. \u201cI thought we were doin\u2019 somethin\u2019 beneficial! That\u2019s what you said!\u201d<\/p>\n<p>\u201cThat was before you decided you were too good to follow instructions!\u201d Adam shoved back\u2014and Joe fell into the trench behind him. <em>Uh-oh<\/em>, Adam thought, just before the green blur shot out of the ditch, and for a moment it was just like old times, as they rolled on the ground and pummeled each other the way they had when Joe had been a hot-headed youth.<\/p>\n<p>But only for a moment\u2014Adam\u2019s sudden shriek of pain shocked them both.<\/p>\n<p>\u201cWhat happened?\u201d Joe demanded, grabbing Adam\u2019s arms. \u201cIs it your back?\u201d<\/p>\n<p>Adam yanked himself away from Joe. \u201cI\u2019m fine,\u201d he mumbled. \u201cLeave me alone.\u201d<\/p>\n<p>\u201cLet me see.\u201d<\/p>\n<p>\u201cI said I\u2019m all right, dammit!\u201d<\/p>\n<p>\u201cYou sounded like somebody shoved a corncob up your\u2014\u201d<\/p>\n<p>\u201cJust leave it,\u201d Adam mumbled, feeling his back gingerly, and Joe went behind him and pulled his shirt up anyway.<\/p>\n<p>Adam heard him gulp\u2014and then try to bury it in a harrumphing noise. \u201cNo bleeding. There\u2019s a good scratch on one of the wider scars, though. Must\u2019ve hit a rock or something. Do you need anything on it?\u201d<\/p>\n<p>\u201cNo. Sorry to cause trouble; I\u2019m fine.\u201d<\/p>\n<p>\u201cHey.\u201d Joe circled around to the front again and grinned a little. \u201cYou were causin\u2019 trouble before your back went out, you big galoot. Look, if we backtrack a little we can straighten out the trench. It was my mistake, so I\u2019ll fix it.\u201d<\/p>\n<p>\u201cI\u2019ll help; it\u2019ll be faster.\u201d<\/p>\n<p>Joe started to argue, but a look into his brother\u2019s eyes convinced him otherwise. \u201cYeah, let\u2019s get this done. We\u2019re too close to quit now.\u201d<\/p>\n<p>Nine hours later they shook hands.<\/p>\n<p>The next morning they double-checked the calculations and dug the final hundred feet to the sluice gate Adam had put up at the riverbank. While Davis looked on, Joe raised the gate, and water splashed into the main irrigation ditch. Pilcher the foreman muttered, \u201cIt\u2019ll never work.\u201d<\/p>\n<p>They watched as the water ran down the main trench and then flowed into the dozens of narrow channels crossing the field, and Joe whooped and pounded Adam on his bruised and sore back as the water went exactly where it was supposed to. Davis and his daughter Susan hugged Joe, and Pilcher spat on the ground and stalked away.<\/p>\n<p>With a meaningful look at his brother, Joe shrugged off Davis\u2019s thanks and winked at the daughter. \u201cWe\u2019ll be leaving first thing in the morning,\u201d Adam told Davis, and then headed to the bunkhouse for a well-earned rest.<\/p>\n<p>\u201cThey\u2019ll be okay now,\u201d Joe told his brother emphatically as he caught up.<\/p>\n<p>\u201cI think so,\u201d Adam agreed.<\/p>\n<p>\u201cYup.\u201d Joe fell silent then, thinking.<\/p>\n<p>Adam said nothing. Nor did he dare to glance at his brother from the corner of his eye. But he was pretty sure he knew what was going through Joe\u2019s mind.<\/p>\n<p><em>Joe, you can\u2019t bargain with God. I know; I\u2019ve tried. You can fix other people\u2019s lives up all you want, but it\u2019s not going to fix your own. You\u2019ve got to do that yourself, buddy, and nobody else can fix it for you. Not Pa, not Hoss, and for sure not me\u2014I can\u2019t even fix mine.<\/em><\/p>\n<p>But from the look on Joe\u2019s face as they got to the bunkhouse, Adam realized Joe had probably just figured all that out for himself. He opted not to say anything\u2014Joe\u2019s tolerance for more tangled philosophical questions had never been high, anyway, and now\u2026well. Besides, Adam had no idea what to say. He tumbled into his bunk and was asleep before Joe had taken off his shirt and boots.<\/p>\n<p>The next morning Adam woke just before daylight. He stretched painfully and sighed, wondering where Joe would want to go today, and how soon they\u2019d leave. Poking the top bunk and getting no reply, he stood and reached out to rouse his sleeping brother. But there was no one there.<\/p>\n<p>Pilcher was in the barn talking to two other hands when Adam arrived.<\/p>\n<p>\u201cYou seen Joe?\u201d Adam demanded.<\/p>\n<p>Pilcher just looked at him. Then he spat a stream of tobacco juice and said, \u201cHe took off last night about an hour or two after that great demonstration you and him put on. I figured you was probably goin\u2019 with him, or that you at least knew about it.\u201d<\/p>\n<p>\u201cDo you know which way he went?\u201d<\/p>\n<p>With an impatient frown, Pilcher said, \u201cHe don\u2019t work for me now, so I don\u2019t know or care which way he went. And since you don\u2019t work for me now, I\u2019d appreciate it if you\u2019d get outta here your own damn self.\u201d<\/p>\n<p><strong>Chapter 43<\/strong><\/p>\n<p><strong><em>June, 1875<\/em><\/strong><\/p>\n<p>By the time Hop Sing brought in the tray loaded with finger sandwiches and tea, most of the crying and other female silliness was out of the way and the two women were bringing each other up to date with their lives.<\/p>\n<p>\u201cYou didn\u2019t!\u201d Tilly exclaimed as Hop Sing walked in.<\/p>\n<p>\u201cI certainly did. We were married for almost two weeks. Long enough to actually get to know him and be horrified at the thought of spending the rest of my life with him. A man that handsome, face chiseled out of marble\u2026and then turned out his brain was made of marble too.\u201d<\/p>\n<p>\u201cBut where is he? You didn\u2019t just leave him!\u201d<\/p>\n<p>\u201cWell, I think I would\u2019ve, but he saved me the trouble and tried to rob a jewelry shop. I told you he wasn\u2019t too bright. Police shot him dead.\u201d<\/p>\n<p>\u201cI\u2019m sorry.\u201d<\/p>\n<p>\u201cMe too\u2014but don\u2019t get the wrong idea. I\u2019m sorry he\u2019s dead, but not that he\u2019s not around me anymore. I guess I should be a widow now\u2014but I never changed my papers over to his name, and when I found out he was dead, I didn\u2019t bother\u2014especially since the gendarmes were sniffing around as if I was part of his criminal life! When I thought about it, I realized he probably married me for a ticket out of France\u2014he was already wanted by the law. I guess you could say I had the best part of the marriage, since he died before the honeymoon was over.\u201d<\/p>\n<p>\u201cI can\u2019t believe you did that! You were always the one who was worried about propriety!\u201d<\/p>\n<p>\u201cHeavens, Tilly, I was in France! And he was a Galician, anyway.\u201d<\/p>\n<p>\u201cHow long ago was this?\u201d<\/p>\n<p>\u201cAges. Before I went to St. Bart\u2019s. I had to go before a board to be allowed in\u2014they weren\u2019t keen on women students, even though they\u2019d let in a few before. So one of them\u2014pompous windbag\u2014said, \u2018Really, Miss Hoffman, are you sure you can cope with seeing the full, unencumbered male anatomy?\u2019 I said \u2018Why don\u2019t you take off your clothes and we\u2019ll find out?\u2019\u201d<\/p>\n<p>\u201cNO!\u201d<\/p>\n<p>\u201cWell, they let me in,\u201d the cousin said. \u201cI think I proved to \u2019em I wasn\u2019t going to faint, anyhow, although I thought that windbag was gonna faint himself.\u201d<\/p>\n<p>Tired of waiting for a break in the silly conversation, Hop Sing called, \u201cTea on platter! Food on platter! Missy Tilly, you gonna eat or do I carry out Mr. Ben threat and force it down?\u201d<\/p>\n<p>\u201c<em>What<\/em> did you say?\u201d the cousin snapped at him.<\/p>\n<p>\u201cPlease, people\u2014I\u2019m eating, I\u2019m eating,\u201d Tilly giggled.<\/p>\n<p>Amazing, Hop Sing thought, just how much color had come back into her with the arrival of her rude cousin. He left the room satisfied\u2026but had no time to remain that way as he heard the galloping hoof beats skidding to a halt outside, and Ben\u2019s voice shouting, \u201cHop Sing!\u201d<\/p>\n<p>He rushed downstairs, wondering which Cartwright had been shot this time.<\/p>\n<p style=\"text-align: center;\">**<\/p>\n<p>Well, this was a nice change, Tilly thought. She and Ben were in the same room, but this time both were standing together, and it was her cousin Charlotte in the hot seat. Not that Charlotte seemed to know it. And Hop Sing wasn\u2019t even yelling at Tilly for being out of bed.<\/p>\n<p>Ben said, \u201cIt\u2019s not that I don\u2019t believe you\u2019re a doctor. I\u2019d just like to know your qualifi\u2014\u201d<\/p>\n<p>\u201cLet\u2019s just say I\u2019m more qualified than you,\u201d Charlotte replied serenely, and bent over the couch where Audun lay.<\/p>\n<p>\u201cThis is no time to <em>voir dire<\/em>.\u201d Tilly pulled Ben back. \u201cWhy didn\u2019t you go to Virginia City?\u201d<\/p>\n<p>\u201cI did.\u201d Ben sank into a chair and put his head in his hands. \u201cI knew Paul wouldn\u2019t be there, but I thought Kam Lee might be available\u2026and then found out he went with Paul! I\u2014\u201d<\/p>\n<p>\u201cMr. Cartwright, tell me something useful,\u201d Charlotte said over her shoulder. \u201cIf you can\u2019t, then hush and let me listen to the patient.\u201d<\/p>\n<p>\u201cI like you,\u201d Audun said faintly.<\/p>\n<p>Charlotte smiled. \u201cI like you too. What\u2019s your name?\u201d<\/p>\n<p>\u201cHis name\u2019s Audun, and he\u2019s twelve,\u201d Ben spoke up. \u201cHe claims he was bitten by a rattlesnake two days ago.\u201d He sighed and looked helplessly at Tilly. \u201cHe also says the rattlesnake is his best friend, and it spoke to him and told him he\u2019s immune to venom.\u201d<\/p>\n<p>\u201cMore likely it was a dry bite,\u201d Charlotte muttered. \u201cAudun, did your leg swell when\u2014\u201d<\/p>\n<p>\u201cNot till I cut it with my knife.\u201d Audun sounded chastised. \u201cI was foolish. I panicked.\u201d<\/p>\n<p>\u201cHell\u2019s bells, boy, I would\u2019ve panicked too,\u201d Charlotte said with a grin. \u201cLie back now. Hey, Chinaman! What\u2019s your name again, Hopsy? Just give me one name, not two.\u201d<\/p>\n<p>\u201cMy family name is Hop,\u201d Hop Sing replied, standing straight and stiff, and Tilly, mortified, resolved to talk to Charlotte at first opportunity about her manners.<\/p>\n<p>\u201cOkay, Hop, I need you to bring me a big pitcher of water, along with some baking soda, salt, sugar, and\u2026have you got an orange or a banana?\u201d<\/p>\n<p>Hop Sing bowed and headed to the kitchen.<\/p>\n<p>\u201cYou think it\u2019s\u2026just dehydr\u2026\u201d Audun began coughing.<\/p>\n<p>\u201cAs a matter of fact, I know,\u201d Charlotte replied. \u201cSo you know what \u2018dehydration\u2019 is, Audun?\u201d<\/p>\n<p>Audun sighed, \u201cOf course.\u201d<\/p>\n<p>\u201cWell, I don\u2019t!\u201d Ben snapped. \u201cIs this a medical term?\u201d<\/p>\n<p>\u201cYes, it\u2019s a medical term.\u201d Charlotte looked back at him. \u201cIt means he doesn\u2019t have enough fluid inside to keep his body going. Now I\u2019m thinking you\u2019ve probably had a heat stroke, too, boy, but we\u2019ve got different words for that. And you need to lie still and keep quiet.\u201d<\/p>\n<p>\u201cAh,\u201d Ben said, looking at Tilly. \u201cI guess I do know what dehydration is. So do you.\u201d<\/p>\n<p>\u201cAll right, all right.\u201d Tilly waved an impatient hand. \u201cWhat are we going to do about it?\u201d<\/p>\n<p>\u201cI\u2019m going to mix up a solution to replenish his fluids,\u201d Charlotte replied. \u201cIt\u2019s better than just drinking water, but I\u2019ll warn you, Audun, it\u2019s going to taste like horse pee. But you\u2019re going to drink it anyway, or I\u2019ll get a syringe and put it into you that way.\u201d<\/p>\n<p>\u201cI will drink it,\u201d Audun said, his voice hoarse. \u201cI have been silly enough for the time being.\u201d<\/p>\n<p>Ben looked at Tilly with wide eyes. Tilly managed to raise her eyebrows back at him, but neither could answer the other\u2019s question.<\/p>\n<p>\u201cGrandfather,\u201d Audun said, and coughed again.<\/p>\n<p>\u201cHey, I said you need to be quiet,\u201d Charlotte admonished. \u201cAnd lie back.\u201d<\/p>\n<p>\u201cIn a minute\u2014\u201d he painfully cleared his throat. \u201cGrandfather\u2026\u201d<\/p>\n<p>Ben stood unsteadily and leaned over the couch to take Audun\u2019s hand. \u201cI\u2019m here, Audun.\u201d<\/p>\n<p>\u201cI know,\u201d Audun said, managing an Adam-like smirk. \u201cYou always have been, whether I knew it or not. Thank you.\u201d<\/p>\n<p><strong>Chapter 44<\/strong><\/p>\n<p><strong><em>June, 1875<\/em><\/strong><\/p>\n<p>\u201cI think he\u2019ll be okay,\u201d Charlotte said as the two of them looked down at the sleeping boy. \u201cWho is he, anyway, and how does he know so much about medicine? And what the dickens was he doing wandering around the desert?\u201d<\/p>\n<p>\u201cHe\u2019s my son, Audun. Well, stepson. By his account he\u2019s been a healer most of his life\u2014and since he\u2019s been here he\u2019s been studying medicine with both the town doctors.\u201d Tilly took her arm and guided her back into Ben\u2019s study, where she pointed to the photographs on the wall. \u201cRecognize anybody?\u201d<\/p>\n<p>\u201cWell\u2026\u201d Charlotte considered the photos. \u201cThe boy\u2014Audun\u2014looks a lot like this fellow here\u2014\u201d and she indicated Adam\u2014\u201cbut I thought for sure you\u2019d have married this one\u2026\u201d and she pointed to a picture of Joe. \u201cI remember you always liked the pretty ones.\u201d Then they found themselves standing in front of Adam and Tilly\u2019s wedding photo. \u201cBut this lean, dark guy\u2026he\u2019s really Adam?\u201d<\/p>\n<p>\u201cThat one\u2019s Adam.\u201d<\/p>\n<p>\u201cHmmm. I guess people\u2019s tastes can change, but that\u2019s quite a difference.\u201d<\/p>\n<p>Tilly shrugged. \u201cAnd my son the doctor over there\u2026\u201d she waved. \u201cAudun was the one who healed Adam\u2014in four months\u2014of a skin infection that Dr. Joseph Lister said would take six to eight months to heal.\u201d<\/p>\n<p>\u201cI\u2019m impressed, I guess. But where is Adam? And the other one\u2014your father said they left town. Some roundup or something?\u201d<\/p>\n<p>\u201cNo\u2026Joe\u2019s wife died recently, and Joe\u2026well, he needed to sort himself out. Adam went along.\u201d<\/p>\n<p>\u201cAnd left you <em>pregnant<\/em> and with that little monster who likes to run off into the desert? This sure isn\u2019t the romantic ideal I remember you describing in our youth, Lily Tilly.\u201d<\/p>\n<p>\u201cI got over my obsession with the romantic ideal a long time ago,\u201d Tilly chuckled. \u201cAnd don\u2019t say \u2018pregnant\u2019 in front of Ben; he\u2019ll faint.\u201d<\/p>\n<p>\u201cYou sure married into a strange set of people\u2014I heard things in town that\u2019d turn a woman\u2019s hair white.\u201d<\/p>\n<p>\u201cThere are families, and there are the Cartwrights. They\u2019re everything a normal family is\u2014only more so.\u201d She looked Charlotte in the eye. \u201cDo you understand?\u201d<\/p>\n<p>\u201cNot at all.\u201d<\/p>\n<p>\u201cAll right\u2026I\u2019ll explain it.\u201d She took a deep breath. \u201cThey have their quirks, like any family, but most of theirs are good quirks. Prime rule in the Cartwright world is, they may fight each other from time to time, but they\u2019ll band together to fight the world. They\u2019re probably the closest family I\u2019ve ever known. Second rule: you don\u2019t come between one Cartwright and another. Never, ever.\u201d<\/p>\n<p>\u201cAll right, if you say so.\u201d<\/p>\n<p>\u201cAnd since any Cartwright rule pretty much extends automatically to Hop Sing, Charlotte, you and I are going to have what my father-in-law would call a \u2018necessary talk.\u2019 Following that, you will apologize to my friend.\u201d<\/p>\n<p>\u201cHuh? The Chinaman? What are you talking about? I told him to bring me some stuff and he brought it.\u201d<\/p>\n<p>\u201cI\u2019m talking about Hop Sing, a loyal friend who has given twenty-seven years of his life to the Cartwright family. He\u2019s usually treated like dirt by people in Virginia City, but it will not happen here.\u201d<\/p>\n<p>\u201cWhat do you mean? He talked to you like you were\u2026did you not hear what he said to you? He threatened to push food down your throat!\u201d<\/p>\n<p>\u201cHop Sing cares about me, which is why he talked that way. I\u2019m flattered that he values me so much. He talks to all the Cartwrights that way.\u201d<\/p>\n<p>\u201cTilly, he\u2019s a servant. Servants work for people; they don\u2019t love \u2019em. You don\u2019t bow and scrape to servants, and servants keep to their place and don\u2019t threaten their employers, even if they\u2019re fond of \u2019em.\u201d<\/p>\n<p>\u201cYou spent too much time in England. Hop Sing is also from a culture that\u2019s thousands of years old, one that knows things about medicine that few whites know even now. He\u2019s no slave or servant. He\u2019s stayed with this family for years instead of following his own dreams just because he loves these people. I won\u2019t have you treating him with disrespect. I mean it.\u201d<\/p>\n<p>\u201cI\u2019ll blame your overreaction on your condition,\u201d Charlotte said, rolling her eyes.<\/p>\n<p>\u201cI\u2019m not overreacting. You will apologize to Hop Sing.\u201d<\/p>\n<p>\u201cHe\u2019s a foreigner\u2014\u201d<\/p>\n<p>\u201cHe\u2019s lived in this country longer than you or I have been alive, and he is very much a part of the family. He is a kind, wise man\u2014Audun adores him, and they call each other by Chinese names that mean \u2018big brother\u2019 and \u2018little brother.\u2019 I love you, Charlotte, and I\u2019d hate to lose you again right after all you went through to find me, but if you want to stay here, you will make things right with Hop Sing\u2014and you\u2019ll never again treat him the way you did earlier today.\u201d<\/p>\n<p>\u201cIf it means that much to you, I will,\u201d Charlotte muttered. \u201cBut it\u2019s hardly unique, you know. I\u2019m rude to all men. Ask your in-laws; I was rude to them too. Men are all asses, and I have no use for \u2019em.\u201d<\/p>\n<p>\u201cWell, get ready for a change. The men here are special.\u201d<\/p>\n<p>\u201cFine,\u201d said Charlotte, her voice in disagreement with the word. \u201cBut first I want to check your baby.\u201d<\/p>\n<p>\u201cHuh?\u201d<\/p>\n<p>Charlotte produced a stethoscope like Audun\u2019s. \u201cJust a quick listen. I won\u2019t even pull up your gown.\u201d<\/p>\n<p>\u201cI should hope not,\u201d Tilly muttered. \u201cWe\u2019re in the middle of the living room.\u201d<\/p>\n<p>Charlotte moved the stethoscope around for a moment and then settled on one spot, listening. \u201cHmm.\u201d She looked surprisingly sober. \u201cDo you really feel all right?\u201d<\/p>\n<p>\u201cI guess I do. Has it died on me yet?\u201d<\/p>\n<p>\u201cOh, it\u2019s definitely alive!\u201d She bit her bottom lip.<\/p>\n<p>\u201cWell, what is it then? Obviously something\u2019s wrong with it.\u201d<\/p>\n<p>\u201cWhy would you think that?\u201d<\/p>\n<p>\u201cBecause something\u2019s been wrong with the last four before this one; they all died. And because I had a stupid moment yesterday and drank enough brandy to kill a moose.\u201d<\/p>\n<p>\u201cMoose, maybe, but you\u2019re okay and so\u2019s\u2014\u201d she waved her hand. \u201cGot names picked out?\u201d<\/p>\n<p>\u201cNo. I won\u2019t name this one unless it lives for at least three days.\u201d<\/p>\n<p>\u201cTell me what happened before.\u201d<\/p>\n<p>As briefly as possible, Tilly listed each loss.<\/p>\n<p>Charlotte thought for a moment. \u201cYou ready for the good news and bad news?\u201d<\/p>\n<p>Tilly tilted her head.<\/p>\n<p>\u201cThe first two likely didn\u2019t get a good grip on your womb. They have to be firmly attached or they\u2019ll come loose. I expect the doctors in Scotland told you that. The third one, probably the same thing. Tipped uterus, Tilly\u2014even lying down won\u2019t help much when it\u2019s that bad. But you lasted a little longer that time.\u201d<\/p>\n<p>\u201cI lasted the whole way for the fourth one.\u201d Tears were in her eyes, but she blinked them back. \u201cWhat happened to her?\u201d<\/p>\n<p>\u201cWithout having been there, I couldn\u2019t say for sure, but if her skin color was blueish, she suffocated. My money\u2019s on meconium aspiration. That means the baby swallowed some amniotic fluid\u2014the liquid babies float in\u2014that contained waste; it happens more than you\u2019d think. Sometimes you can fix it and sometimes you can\u2019t. Audun might\u2019ve known more of what to do for it than Alice, though. You should\u2019ve kept him around.\u201d<\/p>\n<p>\u201cOh, God.\u201d Tilly\u2019s face went pale. \u201cHe wanted to stay\u2026I sent him out.\u201d<\/p>\n<p>\u201cWell, like I said, sometimes you can\u2019t do anything anyway,\u201d Charlotte backtracked hastily. \u201cI don\u2019t know. I just think he would have known more things to try than Alice did, unless Alice was a midwife. People who don\u2019t deliver a lot of babies seldom come across a situation like that, so it\u2019s normal that you and Alice didn\u2019t know what to do. Look, every baby is different, and every pregnancy is different. You sit down and think long and hard about that\u2026and I\u2019ll go find your Chinaman and make nice to him.\u201d<\/p>\n<p><strong>Chapter 45<\/strong><\/p>\n<p><strong><em>July, 1875<\/em><\/strong><\/p>\n<p>It took more than two weeks of searching before Adam found Joe\u2014in an effort to lose his brother, Joe had abandoned his circular pattern and headed southwest. It probably wouldn\u2019t have taken as long if Adam had had Hoss along; Hoss wouldn\u2019t have made stupid assumptions; he would have spent a few hours searching for tracks. Adam, stiff, tired and only half awake, simply headed back toward Silver Peak, but found out soon enough he\u2019d been wrong. His learning of Joe\u2019s location was as unplanned as anything else on the trip so far; he fell in with a couple of fellows just coming back from Shingle Springs who had encountered a fellow on a \u201ccoffee-drinkin\u2019 paint cayuse.\u201d \u201cMean little cuss started a fight with us,\u201d they reported, \u201can\u2019 all we did was ask \u2019im \u2019bout his horse\u2019s bev\u2019age pref\u2019nces.\u201d<\/p>\n<p>Adam found him\u2014drunk\u2014in Pizen Switch jail for threatening to set fire to the saloon\u2019s thatched roof if the dancing girls didn\u2019t do a can-can. Adam managed to placate the sheriff and pay the bail. The next morning Joe was released and without waiting for Adam, he left again. This time, however, Adam had learned from his mistakes. He slept in the livery stable with Cochise, and as soon as Joe came in he woke and followed. Joe sighed in resignation, but said nothing and rode on. Adam sighed too, wistfully looking at the rugged mountains in the distance. Carson City lay just beyond them. But Joe was heading south into the desert. Again.<\/p>\n<p>For a week they rode in near silence; Adam thought at one point they had probably crossed into California, but he wasn\u2019t sure, and his mention to Joe only brought a cross look and \u201cyou gonna be a tour guide when you grow up?\u201d Adam retreated into silence again, wishing more than ever for a book. Pizen Switch had been a farming community, and nobody there seemed to have so much as a Bible for sale.<\/p>\n<p style=\"text-align: center;\">**<\/p>\n<p>There was a dead coyote lying just off the trail, dried blood caked in its stiff gray fur. This far from any human population, it didn\u2019t seem like it would\u2019ve been much of a threat, but someone had shot it. The reason\u2014if there had been a reason\u2014would never be known. Adam reined Sport in and stared. His months with the Nez Perce had been full of legends about Coyote and his antics, games, and tricks; the Nez Perce regarded coyotes with kinder eyes than whites. But then, Young Joseph\u2019s band had only just begun to breed cattle; their relationship with the mythical tricksters would probably be altered forever once the coyote became an earnest rival for food.<\/p>\n<p>He stole another glance at the dead predator. Most coyotes he had seen were shades of brownish-yellow, but this one had white belly fur and a silver-gray coat. He turned away, his gorge rising as he remembered that day only four months ago when he\u2019d lost Lady.<\/p>\n<p>Joe saw what Adam had been looking at, shrugged in disgust, and kept going. But Adam sat, flexing his right hand and thinking back to a time when all the fingers had worked properly. If it hadn\u2019t been for Max, those fingers might still work, and he and Joe might have been at home. Oh, it wouldn\u2019t have changed what had happened to Lady\u2026or Alice\u2026but at least Alice\u2019s death could have been avenged; Lady wouldn\u2019t have died for nothing. But\u2026he couldn\u2019t blame his fingers. They hadn\u2019t worked well that day, but then his mind hadn\u2019t worked too well either.<\/p>\n<p>He dismounted and leaned against Sport for a minute, but with the smell of blood in his nostrils, Sport was fidgety. Adam backed him up a few feet, then pulled out his short-handled spade and went to work as Joe disappeared in the distance. Joe had never heard what happened to Lady\u2014nobody at the Ponderosa had. God willing, they never would.<\/p>\n<p>As he dug, Adam permitted himself, just for a moment, to wonder what would happen if Joe ever learned about Lady, because if he found out about Lady, it followed that he would find out about Alice. The least of it would be that Joe would never speak to him again; he was certain of that. At the most\u2026well, he supposed Joe would kill him, and maybe he\u2019d be right to.<\/p>\n<p>Months of questions had been answered that day, all in the space of two minutes. The mystery of John Harper\u2019s debts. All Adam\u2019s Grand Terre memories thought forever lost. All the questions about why Tilly moaned each night for Max and called Adam a bastard. But the cost, oh God, the cost\u2026.<\/p>\n<p><strong><em>March, 1875<\/em><\/strong><\/p>\n<p>Joe had come to the Ponderosa before leaving again, but this time he brought Bonnie along and asked if he could leave her with Tilly. Alice had been having a lot of sickness of late, he explained, and he didn\u2019t know if it was part of her \u201cconfinement\u201d woes, or something contagious. Adam had agreed, of course, because he already knew Tilly would say yes\u2026although he personally felt it was bothering her more than she let on, always taking care of Hoss\u2019s and Joe\u2019s children, and even Adam\u2019s child, all the while knowing she would never produce one of her own. He took the baby to Tilly, who hugged her delightedly and then set her on the floor to play with Rob. Bonnie immediately whopped him over the head with her rattle, but this bothered Rob not at all; he took the rattle away from her and began chewing on it.<\/p>\n<p>\u201cBobbin, me!\u201d Bonnie said.<\/p>\n<p>Rob just looked at her and continued to chew, and Bonnie decided to find a different toy to play with, so Adam walked with Joe back to the horses.<\/p>\n<p>\u201cI\u2019ll be back day after tomorrow,\u201d Joe told Adam. \u201cTell Tilly we appreciate it.\u201d<\/p>\n<p>Adam watched as he left.<\/p>\n<p>Adam had done his best to avoid Alice since that embarrassing incident two weeks earlier, so he persuaded Hoss to go and check on Alice the first day Joe was gone. The morning after that\u2014the day Joe was supposed to come home\u2014Hoss looked peaked and began to cough. Ben told Adam that Becker and Lloyd could do without him that day. \u201cFamily comes first. You know that.\u201d<\/p>\n<p>Not in the mood for a lecture, Adam snapped back, \u201cIf she\u2019s family, she might try living here when Joe\u2019s off serving Cartwright and country. God knows you force everyone else to, Pa.\u201d<\/p>\n<p>His father had looked duly chastised at that, but made no reply, and Adam sighed and went to saddle Sport. Lady slid out the door just before it shut, and followed him as she always did. He stopped in the yard to pat her. \u201cYou oughtta stay here,\u201d he said. \u201cThat\u2019s a long run, and your leg\u2019s been bugging you.\u201d She ignored his words and licked his hand, and then began to dance circles around him as if in a deliberate attempt to prove him wrong. Finally he pushed her away. \u201cI have to get moving\u2014you stay here, okay?\u201d<\/p>\n<p>Of course she followed him to the barn, and while he took his time saddling Sport, he looked for a way to make her stay home without actually commanding it\u2014she always looked so hurt when he ordered her to stay behind. <em>Well, maybe if her leg starts to ache, she\u2019ll turn back,<\/em> he finally concluded. <em>She\u2019s only nine years old\u2026why would Audun think she\u2019s getting arthritis?<\/em><\/p>\n<p>Nine years. She\u2019d been two, nearly three, when he got her; she\u2019d traveled to Spain, Italy, and France with him and Tilly, then spent a year and a half with Liam in London during the European war and Adam\u2019s Pacific exile. She\u2019d stayed with Adam, even sleeping with him during his long, slow recovery, often crawling over Tilly to console him during his nightmares since. She\u2019d visited the Nez Perce with him and impressed everyone from the children to the chief. It had never occurred to Adam that she was getting older, that she might have to slow down, but now that he really looked, he suddenly realized the tip of her remaining ear\u2014which had always been black\u2014had gone white.<\/p>\n<p>Nine years. How long did collies live? How long did any dogs live? He\u2019d never had one before and never really known.<\/p>\n<p>As Adam led Sport from the barn, Duke rushed up. Well, he could definitely order Duke to stay home. Lady had always graciously allowed Adam to share his love with Audun and Tilly, but she drew the line at Duke. So Duke ended up lying forlornly on the porch and watching him, Sport, and Lady disappear around the barn and into the naked trees.<\/p>\n<p>Joe\u2019s little yellow house sat in a clearing\u2014\u201cfive acres of nothing,\u201d Adam had thought the first time he\u2019d seen it\u2014so you could see it a good half-mile away. Lady, well familiar with the trail, was far ahead of him already. Adam had been watching her run, envying the joy the dog took in something as simple as running through a field, but seeing her stop and begin to growl, he looked up toward the house\u2014and his eyebrows came down in consternation to see five horses standing ground-tied in the yard. Something was not right.<\/p>\n<p>He\u2019d only been walking Sport, since his back had been a little achy that morning; now he kicked him into a gallop just as four men emerged from the house. Sport stumbled but quickly recovered, and Adam stuck tight although his eyes were on the men. Two of them were smeared with blood; one looked somehow familiar, for all he was only partly in view\u2014and he was carrying Alice\u2019s music box. The last man was giggling maniacally.<\/p>\n<p>\u201cLady, get them!\u201d Adam shouted without thinking, and Lady responded without hesitating. The three men already on their horses took off at a gallop as Lady hurled herself into the air and landed squarely on the back of the giggler, knocking him away from his horse and grabbing his right arm in her jaws. Wolf-like, she slashed his arm to ribbons and then went for his throat; Adam threw himself off Sport and charged into the house\u2026only to trip over some broken crockery and crash to the floor, his hands outstretched helplessly.<\/p>\n<p>He pushed himself up to his knees and suddenly everything took on a bizarre, almost dreamlike quality: he saw Alice, or rather, what was left of Alice, literally decorating the kitchen. Her entrails had been draped all around the room like a popcorn string on a Christmas tree\u2026various other body parts never meant to see the light of day were strewn across the blood-smeared floor, the counter, the stove; the baby was in the dishpan\u2026it was a morbidly artistic arrangement. Alice\u2019s eyes were wide and empty, the pupils dilated, the blood around her mouth smeared into an elaborate and obscene Cupid\u2019s bow; her throat had been slit and a necklace arranged over it. Her dress had been cut from her and spread neatly across the table. As he reached a shaking hand to close her eyes, he found himself distracted, hoping all the horrendous artwork had been done <em>after<\/em> she was dead. And the part of his brain that never stopped working, no matter what, coldly informed him that those men had wanted this to be seen. For some reason, they had wanted Joe to see it.<\/p>\n<p>He heard a gun go off outside, and he reached for his Colt in its holster as he staggered back out, but his sore fingers caught on the edge of the holster, slowing his draw. The man Lady had attacked was again attempting to mount up, and Lady was lying on the ground, panting. The oddly familiar man with the music box was sitting motionless on his horse a little way off, smiling as the smoke wafted from his gun. \u201cNext time a debt is due, Cartwright, pay up,\u201d he called with a smile.<\/p>\n<p>Adam had his Colt raised about halfway when he saw the man\u2019s smooth face and dark blond hair. He looked like\u2026he looked like\u2026oh God, he looked like\u2026Max?<\/p>\n<p>Max\u2026who\u2019d mercilessly supervised Adam\u2019s torture for four months, while pretending to be his only friend\u2026who\u2019d told him all kinds of stories about how he\u2019d complied with Adam\u2019s wishes, had taken Tilly away to safety, and how she had turned to Max for comfort and stayed for passion\u2026Max, who\u2019d taken a personal interest in seeing just how far he could break a man by adding psychological elements to the physical torture even when he knew there was no information to be had. Max, whose enjoyment of hurting people bordered on madness\u2026Max, who particularly enjoyed hurting Adam, although he remained sickeningly polite the whole time\u2026<\/p>\n<p>And Adam\u2019s knees gave out; he dropped to the ground from pure shock just as the man fired his gun again. Thinking the bullet must have reached its target, the man holstered his weapon, turning to ride off, while his injured compatriot followed as fast as he could.<\/p>\n<p>Still lying on the ground, Adam looked over at Lady. Panting faster and louder than he\u2019d ever heard, she had her eyes fixed on him; he reached out to her as he saw the blood spreading through her thick, stiff gray fur, and he laid his hand on her cheek. She looked pleadingly at him, and then the loud panting stopped; she shuddered, and was still.<\/p>\n<p>He remained kneeling there for moment, his mind a blank, unable to let the enormity of it all sink in. He got up, wondering what to do now. Surely he had to do something. Alice was dead; he was pretty sure of it\u2026yes, yes, Alice was dead\u2026Lady was dead\u2026Max had killed them. No, Max wasn\u2019t here, but\u2014he wasn\u2019t, was he? Of course it hadn\u2019t been Max, but\u2026who was he? And why was Alice dead? He got up and went back into the house. He would not look in that dishpan again\u2026and who knew what else had been done to Alice? And why had any of it been done? Alice was the least harmful person he\u2019d ever known; she hadn\u2019t deserved this. And why was she just lying there like it didn\u2019t matter? Didn\u2019t she realize she was dead, and how wrong it all was?<\/p>\n<p>And then, at about the time he took the dress from the table and covered her, the reaction finally set in. He began to shake all over, and for the third time in just a few minutes, found himself on his hands and knees. It seemed his stomach suddenly realized just how much was wrong with the universe then, too, and he began to retch uncontrollably.<\/p>\n<p>His shaking did not stop, even after the heaving did, but somehow his mind began to return, and he began to wonder why there had been five horses outside when there had only been four riders. Had they intended Alice to leave with them? <em>No\u2026think, dammit!<\/em> <em>You\u2019re supposed to be the smart one! Why is my brain locking itself in the outhouse when I need it? There must have been someone else with them\u2026someone who\u2019s still here\u2026<\/em> He got up and drew his Colt, wondering why he bothered, since whoever else was here must also be unable to move or they would already have shown up.<\/p>\n<p>In the little living room, just in front of the bedroom door, lay a dead man, shot through the heart at close range\u2014the powder burns were plain through the blood on the white shirt. The man\u2019s face seemed somehow familiar, and then Adam saw the resemblance. This must\u2019ve been Alice\u2019s brother. Hoss had warned Adam that if \u201cthat no-count John Harper\u201d ever showed up, Adam should never give him money. <em>\u201cHe thinks Joe\u2019s flush, Adam, so he takes ev\u2019ry opportunity to suck him dry like a tick. Doesn\u2019t know Joe\u2019s makin\u2019 his fortune by building the lumber business. Prob\u2019ly wouldn\u2019t care if he did. He\u2019s come around me and Pa lookin\u2019 for handouts too. Don\u2019t give him a dime. I dunno how a thoroughbred girl like Alice got saddled with such a deadbeat cull for a brother.\u201d<\/em><\/p>\n<p>He went through the man\u2019s pockets until he found a wallet that identified him. <em>I need to take this to Sheriff Coffee. Please God, I\u2019ll just hitch the wagon and get Alice to the undertaker\u2014and get that mess out of the kitchen before Joe sees just what\u2019s been done. No one should look on his worst enemy like that\u2014a man should never, ever in this life have to see his wife that way. <\/em><\/p>\n<p>He made his way weakly out of the house and then heard a whinny from the barn a short distance away. He went to the barn and opened the door. The wagon was gone, as was the team of matched bays\u2026but Cochise was there.<\/p>\n<p>Joe had ridden Cochise out of town two days before, hadn\u2019t he? So Joe had returned earlier than expected\u2014probably last night. Then he\u2019d gone out this morning with the wagon and team, maybe just to town. <em>Good God. He might be on his way back right now\u2026but\u2026he can\u2019t see this! He can\u2019t see her like this!<\/em><\/p>\n<p>That was the only clear thought in his muddled mind\u2014he had to protect his brother. Even Hoss had only seen Veralyn after she\u2019d been swaddled in pretty quilts; he\u2019d never seen the mess on the bed or the rug underneath. They\u2019d cleaned all that up before he got home. No self-respecting older brother could allow his baby brother to see his wife like this; to see his unborn child like\u2026<em>oh God, Paris<\/em>\u2026no, by all that was holy, Joe would never go through that. So what if it meant letting the killers get away. Adam had plenty of time to find them, and find them he would. He knew what they looked like, and at least one of them had been badly mauled. Lady had been the kind of dog who could be poked and prodded by a curious child, but she would gladly tear an intruder apart. That man\u2019s arm had to be hanging in strips.<\/p>\n<p>Logic, motive, and method combined when he saw the barrel of oil on the back porch. <em>Gotta work fast<\/em>. <em>Joe might be back any time, and he must not find out what Max has done.<\/em><\/p>\n<p><strong><em>July, 1875<\/em><\/strong><\/p>\n<p>Adam shoveled another spade of dirt over the grave. <em>No wonder Tilly thinks I\u2019m insane. I\u2019m tearing up over a dead coyote. Why? <\/em><\/p>\n<p>Maybe because he\u2019d never cried over Lady, he realized as another silent tear slid down his face.<\/p>\n<p><strong><em>March, 1875<\/em><\/strong><\/p>\n<p>The oil had been spread throughout the house and Alice had been doused with it. He began striking the matches: one on the living room curtains, one on the bed\u2014cloth burned like kindling and would ensure the blaze was big enough to eat into the surrounding wood. He remembered the first time he\u2019d seen the house; Joe must have taken his silence for disapproval, for he\u2019d instantly yammered off some blather about the support beams being good quality, even if the siding was a little old\u2014he didn\u2019t plan to live in this house too long, anyway. He was going to build a nice place for Alice just as soon as he got the lumber business going. Adam wondered at the time why Joe was being so defensive, but had said nothing. Now he only prayed the siding was really as dry as Joe feared it was; he needed this place to burn like the fires of hell. Joe must be protected at all costs. He pushed the bar across the kitchen door, bolting it, then grabbed another blanket to guard himself against broken glass before jumping out of the back window.<\/p>\n<p>He stayed around just long enough to release Cochise from the barn\u2014couldn\u2019t take a chance on sparks, after all\u2014and to make sure the house was well and truly ablaze. Once he\u2019d planted John Harper\u2019s wallet in the saddlebag of the ground-tied horse, he wrapped Lady in the blanket, picked her up\u2014his back screamed in protest but he ignored it\u2014and caught Sport. Sport shied and reared at the bloody bundle, but Adam persisted.<\/p>\n<p>He led John Harper\u2019s horse off a safe distance and let it go. It was a livery horse; if it went home, they\u2019d check the bags and identify the owner; if it was found nearby, easier still. It wouldn\u2019t make Alice any less dead, but at least Joe\u2019d been spared the sight of her, and when they found two bodies in the wreckage, Joe would know the other man had only been Alice\u2019s brother. He wouldn\u2019t have to wonder why some other man had been in the house. There was peace in certainty, Adam thought. He guided Sport up to the lake, bearing Lady\u2019s body over the saddle and knowing he couldn\u2019t put her in the family plot where Alice would soon lie\u2026at the least, Pa would look on it as sacrilege to put a dog there\u2026but by God, she had died for the family\u2026 she had been family, whether Pa liked it or not. She had loved Adam when no one else had; she had earned the place she held in his heart, and now she\u2019d have her own little spot near the lake; she\u2019d earned that too.<\/p>\n<p><strong>Chapter 46<\/strong><\/p>\n<p><strong><em>July, 1875<\/em><\/strong><\/p>\n<p>In two weeks Audun was ready to be up and around again, but he found four adults in a united front against him. Hoss was so distracted he might have been easy enough to fool, Audun thought, and if Tilly was still trying to win his approval and his latest adventure hadn\u2019t frightened her too badly, he might have chanced her as well. But Charlotte called herself a doctor, and despite Paul\u2019s telling him women didn\u2019t make good doctors, she seemed competent, much as his mother Ruth had been. And his grandfather\u2026well, he had circumvented him before, but lying out in the desert near death had given him a lot of time to reflect on many things\u2026including Ben Cartwright. And some of those revelations had showed Audun that perhaps the laughing Moon wasn\u2019t the only one who could be cruel. He knew it for certain when he woke up in his grandfather\u2019s arms sometime during the ride home, and later, when he had seen the moisture in the man\u2019s eyes as his grandfather took his hand and said \u201cI\u2019m here.\u201d<\/p>\n<p>So maybe for now he would just stay in the house and do as he was told. For now, he would let them fuss over him. It was nice to get a little fussing over now and then, he thought. And sure, he was a man now, and sure, the Nimiipuu let no one, not even the chief, break their autonomy\u2014but the warriors at least listened when the chief asked for their cooperation, and they usually cooperated.<\/p>\n<p>Thus, each day for the remainder of the week he submitted to being carried downstairs and spending the day on the sofa, trying not to listen as Tilly and Charlotte made women-talk, trying to amuse himself by watching Bonnie and Robin. Hoss and Ben were gone much of the time, and he hadn\u2019t seen Hop Sing for a couple of days. Eventually he grabbed a nearby book from his father\u2019s bookcase and took that in an attempt at entertainment\u2026but the book was terribly boring. All except one brief passage near the bottom of page 103\u2026<\/p>\n<p>He looked up when he heard \u201cdoctors\u201d being mentioned.<\/p>\n<p>\u201cYou know, Lily-Tilly, I can\u2019t stay out here forever. But I\u2019ve been thinking, if Virginia City\u2019s only got two stable, in-place doctors right now, I might open my practice there. I\u2019d like to stay around you if you don\u2019t mind\u2014you\u2019re the only relative I\u2019ve got left. So I\u2019ve been thinking either Virginia City or Carson City; one\u2019s about the same as the other to me. But since the Cartwrights seem to have such sway around this part of the country, maybe I could get away with it.\u201d<\/p>\n<p>\u201cWhat do you mean \u2018get away with it\u2019? You mean because you\u2019re a woman?\u201d<\/p>\n<p>\u201cWell, you know how men can be,\u201d Charlotte shrugged, and Audun mumbled something in exasperation.<\/p>\n<p>\u201cWith Paul and Dr. Kam both in San Francisco right now, it might be a good time, at that,\u201d Tilly observed. \u201cInjuries and illnesses don\u2019t stop just because the men went out of town.\u201d<\/p>\n<p>\u201cSan Francisco,\u201d Charlotte murmured with a smile. \u201cWell, it does make things easier for me.\u201d<\/p>\n<p>\u201cI don\u2019t see why you think Dr. Martin and Dr. Kam will be so opposed to your presence,\u201d Audun put in. \u201cThey\u2019re both overworked. Other doctors have passed through before, but no one ever stays for long, though many have tried to persuade them. If you\u2019re a good doctor, Dr. Martin and Dr. Kam will want you in town.\u201d<\/p>\n<p>\u201cYou\u2019re a nice boy, Audun, but you\u2019re awful na\u00efve,\u201d Charlotte chuckled. \u201cYeah, you\u2019d think fellow professionals would want to help, especially considerin\u2019 just how overworked the docs would have to be in a place like this\u2014but men never want to share.\u201d<\/p>\n<p>\u201cPerhaps Dr. Martin would have to give the matter some thought, but he would agree once you prove yourself. And Dr. Kam would not mind,\u201d Audun protested. \u201cHe thinks my mother was a great healer.\u201d<\/p>\n<p>\u201cDid he ever help her set up a practice?\u201d<\/p>\n<p>\u201cHe never met her. He thinks she was good because she trained me.\u201d<\/p>\n<p>\u201cSee? It\u2019s easy to respect someone from a distance.\u201d<\/p>\n<p>\u201cBut he helps me all the time.\u201d<\/p>\n<p>\u201cSure. But you are a kid. You\u2019re also a male kid. Men always help each other. And they like to help women when it comes to crossing a street or picking up a parcel. But you show me any man in Virginia City who\u2019s ever helped a woman to start a business\u2026.\u201d<\/p>\n<p>\u201cYou\u2019re in the house of one,\u201d Tilly cut in. \u201cBen Cartwright went to the bank and told them if they didn\u2019t let Beth Cameron have the money to expand her store, he\u2019d pull out his own money. Beth told me all about it.\u201d<\/p>\n<p>\u201cBut didn\u2019t he marry her?\u201d<\/p>\n<p>\u201cThose were completely unrelated events,\u201d Tilly insisted.<\/p>\n<p>\u201cSays Ben,\u201d Charlotte muttered. \u201cMen always have ulterior motives. Okay. If you and Desert-Wandering Monster here are sure you\u2019re all right, I\u2019m going back to my room. I need to do a little accounting and see if I can afford to spend anything right now. Then I\u2019ll need to find myself an office to set up, and a few soiled doves to put the word out that women can come to one of their own if they have a complaint.\u201d<\/p>\n<p>\u201cYou make it sound as if you\u2019re a soiled dove yourself\u2014whatever that means,\u201d Audun said. \u201cAnd my name is Audun\u2014not \u2018Desert-Wandering Monster.\u2019 Once it is time for the winter dances, I will have another name, because I am also not the \u2018boy\u2019 or \u2018kid\u2019 you have called me. I am a man now.\u201d<\/p>\n<p>\u201cSays you. I like my version better. And as for soiled doves\u2026ow! What the\u2014\u201d she jumped and glared at Audun, who had held his book out to her as she passed, but accidentally poked her in the leg with it.<\/p>\n<p>\u201cI\u2019m sorry.\u201d Audun laid back and shut his eyes. \u201cI thought you might want to take this with you\u2014it belongs in my room upstairs, and I was going to sleep.\u201d<\/p>\n<p>\u201cAll right.\u201d She took a deep breath. \u201cSorry I fussed at you.\u201d<\/p>\n<p>\u201cYou sure are jumpy,\u201d Tilly commented to Charlotte, then picked up Robin and sniffed. \u201cI thought so. What a little stinker you are. C\u2019mere.\u201d<\/p>\n<p>\u201cSpeak for yourself, fuss-budget,\u201d Charlotte replied. \u201cAnd what in the dickens is this boy doing, reading this book?\u201d She waved the offending volume.<\/p>\n<p>\u201cIt\u2019s one of my father\u2019s books,\u201d Audun protested, opening his eyes again. \u201cI\u2019ve been encouraged to read all his books, ever since I came here.\u201d<\/p>\n<p>\u201cWhat is it?\u201d Tilly asked from the floor, with a large safety pin in her mouth.<\/p>\n<p>\u201c<em>The Scarlet Letter<\/em>!\u201d Charlotte brandished the book almost under her nose. Tilly took it away from her, primarily to safeguard her nose, as Charlotte went on, \u201cDo you know what this is <em>about<\/em>?\u201d<\/p>\n<p>\u201cWell\u2026\u201d Audun contemplated. \u201cI think it means the woman in the book is now a soiled dove.\u201d<\/p>\n<p>\u201cUlggghhh!\u201d Charlotte retorted, and flounced out of the room.<\/p>\n<p>Once she was safely out of earshot, Audun looked at Tilly. \u201cDoctors shouldn\u2019t be so squeamish.\u201d<\/p>\n<p>Tilly thought for a minute as she pinned on the fresh diaper and sent Robin on his way to waddle across the room again. \u201cRemember a while back, when I told you I thought you were very mature? I don\u2019t think Charlotte\u2019s used to boys as mature as you. This is a grown-up book.\u201d<\/p>\n<p>Audun considered this. \u201cI\u2019m not sure why she would make such a fuss, though. The writer hints and hints, but will not make his point. You know, in spite of all the consternation over this letter \u2018A,\u2019 he has never yet used the word it represents.\u201d<\/p>\n<p>\u201cWell\u2026\u201d Tilly blushed. \u201cI think he wanted people to figure it out on their own.\u201d<\/p>\n<p>\u201cBut it\u2019s simply \u2018adultery,\u2019 isn\u2019t it? Is this another Soyapo rude word?\u201d<\/p>\n<p>Tilly nodded.<\/p>\n<p>\u201cI think this is one of those white customs that will never make sense to me,\u201d Audun muttered. \u201cAmong the Nimiipuu, the woman would have had her nose cut off, but then it would never be mentioned again, and her children would certainly not be considered bad.\u201d<\/p>\n<p>\u201cIndians cut off a woman\u2019s nose for adultery?\u201d<\/p>\n<p>\u201cThe Nimiipuu would. I only speak for them. I don\u2019t know what other tribes do. But I will tell you this, Tilly\u2014among the Nimiipuu adultery almost never happens. They are smart enough to know that sometimes a marriage doesn\u2019t work, and when that happens, it\u2019s easy to break it. There\u2019s nothing to forbid a divorce, no matter whether it\u2019s the man or the woman who wants it. So I don\u2019t know why\u2026Tilly, you look sick. Are you all right?\u201d<\/p>\n<p>\u201cI\u2019m fine.\u201d Tilly smiled weakly. \u201cAre you\u2026um\u2026going to finish the book?\u201d<\/p>\n<p>\u201cI guess so. Someday my father will come back, and I want to read a few of his books so he will know\u2026\u201d and he found he didn\u2019t know exactly how to finish the sentence.<\/p>\n<p>\u201cYou might not want to let your grandfather see you reading it, though,\u201d Tilly said. \u201cHe might react like Charlotte.\u201d<\/p>\n<p>\u201cOh, but Tilly, I have to tell him\u2014look on page one hundred and three! He has to see it!\u201d<\/p>\n<p>She skimmed over the page but nothing really caught her interest until\u2014\u201cOh. I see. You must mean this part about Dr. Chillingworth\u2026?\u201d<\/p>\n<p>Audun chuckled, and then recited, \u201c<em>In his Indian captivity, moreover, he had gained much knowledge of the properties of native herbs and roots; nor did he conceal from his patients that these simple medicines, Nature\u2019s boon to the untutored savage, had quite as large a share of his own confidence as the European Pharmacopoeia.<\/em> I memorized that part just so I could tell him. Won\u2019t my grandfather appreciate that? He told me if he ever found a white doctor who thought the Indians made good medicine, he would believe it.\u201d<\/p>\n<p>The look on Tilly\u2019s face warned him that she had some doubts, but he went on, \u201cAnd I must laugh a little at the notion that it was the pale Soyapo preacher who was the other party to the birth of the little girl. I think, next time I see Reverend Cook, I will have to ask him if he has read this story.\u201d<\/p>\n<p><strong>Chapter 47<\/strong><\/p>\n<p><strong><em>July, 1875<\/em><\/strong><\/p>\n<p>A scream split the darkness around the campfire. Adam bolted up to see Joe, eyes shut, wailing and waving his arms wildly. \u201cOh, God,\u201d Adam whispered, and jumped up, but it was too late. Joe was thrusting both hands right into the fire.<\/p>\n<p>\u201cAlice! Alice!\u201d<\/p>\n<p>Adam grabbed him from behind, yanking him away from the fire as Joe fought against him, screaming for Alice.<\/p>\n<p style=\"text-align: center;\">**<\/p>\n<p>Joe stared sullenly into the very fire he\u2019d been lying in only moments before while Adam, kneeling by his side, covered his hands in honey and wrapped them with thick cotton strips. They hadn\u2019t listened to most of the family\u2019s protests before leaving the Ponderosa, but Hop Sing had caught Adam before he left. \u201cAudun says you must take this with you.\u201d The way he\u2019d said it had sounded like a command\u2014and, more importantly, it had nothing to do with leaving or staying\u2014so Adam had put the package in his saddlebag. It had turned out to be an emergency medical kit, Audun-style, complete with honey and cinnamon for treating burns and wounds.<\/p>\n<p>\u201cJoe\u2026\u201d Adam began, unsure what he was going to say next.<\/p>\n<p>Joe waved one bandaged hand. \u201cDon\u2019t wanna hear it, Older Brother.\u201d<\/p>\n<p>\u201cThis is the fourth time since I caught up with you. I had thought you were getting\u2014\u201d<\/p>\n<p>\u201cWas I not speakin\u2019 clearly? If you don\u2019t like it, don\u2019t pull me out next time.\u201d<\/p>\n<p>\u201cYou\u2019re not the only one who has nightmares,\u201d Adam muttered.<\/p>\n<p>\u201cWell, don\u2019t I know that? How many times did you try to strangle me\u2026or Tilly\u2026right after you got home? I\u2019ve done more than my share patching you up, Adam. If you don\u2019t like payin\u2019 it back, then go home.\u201d<\/p>\n<p>\u201cWhy do you keep telling me to go home?\u201d<\/p>\n<p>\u201cI thought it was obvious. I wanna be alone. It\u2019s all I\u2019ve wanted for months. For someone who\u2019s supposed to be so smart, you musta never looked up the definition of \u2018alone.\u2019 It means \u2018by myself.\u2019 It means nobody else is around. In case you ain\u2019t noticed, you\u2019re always around! Even when I got rid of you, you came after me!\u201d<\/p>\n<p>\u201cJoe\u2026I miss her too, you know.\u201d<\/p>\n<p>\u201cYou bastard!\u201d Joe shouted, taking a wild swing that missed him by six inches. \u201cEverybody misses her, don\u2019t they? But everybody wasn\u2019t married to her! I\u2019m the one who lost a wife, all right?\u201d<\/p>\n<p>\u201cYou\u2019re not the only one who ever lost a wife!\u201d Adam yelled back, knowing it would make things worse but past caring. \u201cHoss lost Veralyn just a year ago. And in case you forgot, our own father lost three wives!\u201d<\/p>\n<p>\u201cHe didn\u2019t lose <em>Alice<\/em>,\u201d Joe retorted in such a tone that Adam lost anything resembling sympathy for him.<\/p>\n<p>\u201cYou\u2019re pathetic,\u201d he muttered.<\/p>\n<p>What Joe said then was something that, past thirty or no, Pa would have tanned him for, but Adam was in no shape to provide a tanning, and he knew it. He settled for putting out the fire.<\/p>\n<p style=\"text-align: center;\">**<\/p>\n<p>Joe sat Indian-still, staring into the darkness, while Adam doused the fire and resumed his makeshift bed.<em> Guess I deserve to sleep cold after that, but I bet Adam\u2019s the one who wakes up stiff come the morning. I probably shouldn\u2019t have tried to hit him, even if he deserved it. He probably means well. But he just doesn\u2019t know what I\u2019m going through, and I\u2019m damned if I\u2019ll tell him. He\u2019d never understand anyway. How could he? He\u2019s got Tilly and Audun waiting for him. God only knows how he could leave them. He\u2019s an idiot; I\u2019d never do such a thing\u2026<\/em><\/p>\n<p><em>But I did, didn\u2019t I? Even if my motives were good, I was gone and it made Alice feel bad\u2026and hell, here I am now leaving Bonnie at home. Ah, she\u2019s just a baby, she doesn\u2019t even know I\u2019m away. What does it matter? If she knew the truth she wouldn\u2019t want me at home anyway. I built a shabby little shack for Alice to live in and it killed her and it\u2019s my fault.<\/em><\/p>\n<p><em>If I\u2019d just built the house better\u2026or gotten there half an hour earlier\u2026if I\u2019d left Bruce with her, he could have warned her\u2026if I hadn\u2019t gone into town at all\u2026if I\u2019d stayed there that day\u2026oh God. She wanted me to. She was so happy when I got back early, and for a change, she really seemed glad I was back at all\u2026we went to bed and loved each other like it was another honeymoon. First time in a long time, too\u2026oh, Alice, honey, it was like the first time but even better\u2026why didn\u2019t I stay home?<\/em><\/p>\n<p><em>But I only went to town; I didn\u2019t even bother picking up Bonnie. I needed the time with Alice. I\u2019d hurt her, I never quite figured out how, but I knew something was eating away at her. I guess I finally understood that she wanted me more than the trappings of success\u2014one of the few women I ever knew who felt like that; maybe that\u2019s why it took so long before I understood. I told her I was going to cut the trips out, that I wasn\u2019t going anywhere again for months\u2026that I\u2019d finally figured out she was more important than teaching Pa and Adam that I was grown up\u2026I just wanted to lay in some food and then we could hole up for a month, if she wanted, just the two of us. She didn\u2019t want me to go into town. I did\u2026and somehow, our house burned down, and she couldn\u2019t get out\u2026she nearly did, I saw part of her dress close to the door before Pa got me out\u2026it was my fault. If I\u2019d just built the house better\u2026if I\u2019d just left Bruce there instead of taking him in the wagon\u2026if I\u2019d just stayed home that day\u2026oh, Alice\u2026.<\/em><\/p>\n<p><strong>Chapter 48<\/strong><\/p>\n<p><strong><em>July, 1875<\/em><\/strong><\/p>\n<p>The door opened, and Hoss stuck his head in. \u201cI\u2019ve got the buggy ready to go, Cousin Charlotte.\u201d He shut the door again.<\/p>\n<p>Charlotte looked at Tilly. \u201cWhat\u2019s really wrong with him? I\u2019ve been here more\u2019n two weeks, and I don\u2019t think he\u2019s said three words the whole time.\u201d<\/p>\n<p>Tilly shook her head. \u201cI told you. His wife died.\u201d<\/p>\n<p>\u201cBut it was over a year ago.\u201d<\/p>\n<p>\u201cThe first month was so bad I don\u2019t know how he survived. I had to bring out Grossvater Hoffman\u2019s deep-fried bacon recipe just to get him to eat again.\u201d<\/p>\n<p>\u201cWell, that was a good recipe,\u201d Charlotte acknowledged. \u201cBut I still don\u2019t get it. I lost my husband and I lived. Hell\u2019s bells, I knew a fellow in England whose wife died and he spent the next week talking everyone\u2019s ears off\u2014not to mention he had another wife before two months had gone by.\u201d<\/p>\n<p>\u201cI tried to tell you, Charlotte, the Cartwrights are different.\u201d<\/p>\n<p>\u201cJust like any other family only more so. Because that makes all the sense in the world.\u201d<\/p>\n<p>Tilly smiled. \u201cIt will, after you get to know them\u2026and after you stop trying to find some selfish motive for everything they do.\u201d<\/p>\n<p>\u201cYeah, yeah.\u201d Charlotte gave Tilly a quick peck on the cheek. \u201cHey, Audun, I\u2019m told you have a stethoscope and you know how to use it. Is that true?\u201d<\/p>\n<p>\u201cSure. Dr. Martin had one of the first binaural stethoscope I ever saw, and my grandfather got one for me as a gift.\u201d<\/p>\n<p>\u201cYou know how to listen for a baby\u2019s heartbeat?\u201d<\/p>\n<p>\u201cNo.\u201d His face darkened. \u201cI was never allowed to\u2014the women said it was not proper.\u201d<\/p>\n<p>\u201cWell, I\u2019m a doctor and I want you to monitor your mother for me.\u201d Charlotte looked at Tilly. \u201cAny questions, Tilly?\u201d<\/p>\n<p>Tilly sighed. \u201cAll right.\u201d<\/p>\n<p>\u201cQuick, before I leave\u2014let me show you how.\u201d<\/p>\n<p>A moment later Audun looked soberly at Charlotte. \u201cIt sounds like an echo\u2014\u201d<\/p>\n<p>\u201cJust as it should. Check her at least once every week,\u201d Charlotte said, her face stern with a warning Tilly could not understand. Then Charlotte gave her a quick peck on the cheek. \u201cCome into town when you\u2019re up to it. I\u2019ll send word where to find me. You can be one of my first respectable patients.\u201d<\/p>\n<p>Tilly murmured an answer, sounding uncertain. As the door closed behind Charlotte, Tilly turned to Audun. \u201cDo you think she\u2019s a good doctor?\u201d<\/p>\n<p>Audun thought, walking around the room. \u201cShe knows a lot. I wonder if she is as\u2026brusque\u2026to women as she is to men, though.\u201d<\/p>\n<p>\u201cI have a feeling she\u2019s not,\u201d Tilly admitted. \u201cCharlotte doesn\u2019t seem to care much for men, not lately.\u201d<\/p>\n<p>\u201cNo. I think she\u2019s been raped, but I don\u2019t think she would like if I asked her.\u201d<\/p>\n<p>\u201cWhat? Why would you think that? And how do you know\u2026about that?\u201d<\/p>\n<p>\u201cIt happened several times while I lived with the Nimiipuu\u2014usually white men would come upon a group of women digging for camas roots and force themselves on any women who couldn\u2019t get away. My mother would treat the women, after. I was not allowed to stay, and I didn\u2019t understand why since she let me assist at births. Maybe she feared I wouldn\u2019t like white men if I heard such stories; I don\u2019t know. But since I wanted to be a healer too, I\u2026well, I found ways to listen to the talk.\u201d<\/p>\n<p>\u201cYou make me nervous sometimes, Audun. You know way more about women than a boy\u2026um\u2026than a young man should.\u201d<\/p>\n<p>\u201cBut I told you, my mother was a healer, and I wanted to be one. I watched and listened as much as I could.\u201d<\/p>\n<p>\u201cHow do you know, though\u2014I mean, how do you know what women acted like afterward?\u201d<\/p>\n<p>Audun shrugged. \u201cI watched them. Healers always watch the patients after a treatment. They were always different after such things. They were\u2026jumpy\u2026not liking to be touched by surprise\u2026like Charlotte. Like you. Did it happen to you, too?\u201d<\/p>\n<p>Tilly gasped. \u201cWhat? I was n\u2014that\u2019s not your business!\u201d<\/p>\n<p>Audun looked reproachfully at her. \u201cYou once said you would answer any question I asked.\u201d<\/p>\n<p>\u201cSure, but I had no idea you were going to ask the kinds of questions you ask, either.\u201d<\/p>\n<p>\u201cYes,\u201d Audun grunted. \u201cI see the difficulty now between Soyapo and Indians. When an Indian says \u2018yes\u2019 or \u2018no,\u2019 it means \u2018yes\u2019 or \u2018no\u2019. When a white person says it, it\u2019s conditional. Tilly, I don\u2019t ask you hard questions because it makes me happy. I ask because I need to know.\u201d<\/p>\n<p>\u201cWhy do you need to know about something that doesn\u2019t concern you?\u201d<\/p>\n<p>\u201cBecause it does concern me. You said once that you would like to be my mother. My own mother <em>was<\/em> raped, long before she ever knew my father. She told me this, after she found out I knew about the Nimiipuu women who had been attacked. She tried to explain; it was not an easy thing for her to say\u2014and I was younger then than I am now. But she told me because it concerned me\u2014she thought my father had healed her from the hurt of what had happened to her. This thing with you concerns me, too. You can\u2019t see it? You have nightmares about it; we have all heard you cry out in the dark. It affects the way you treat my father. I think it\u2019s one reason he left with my Uncle Joe\u2014because he thought you no longer wanted him. And when he left you, he also left me.\u201d<\/p>\n<p>\u201cAudun, your father went with Joe because Joe needed him.\u201d<\/p>\n<p>Audun smiled, but it was a hard, grownup smile. \u201cAnd because you did not? Tell me what happened.\u201d<\/p>\n<p>\u201cI don\u2019t feel like talking right now\u2026I\u2019ll think it over and talk to you tomorrow.\u201d<\/p>\n<p>\u201c<em>Tran\u00e1ni!<\/em> Tomorrow is a possibility, not a promise. You said you wanted to be my mother. My mother never lied to me and never put me off. And she left my father, but only to save his life, and she never lied to him. You lied to my father and now you\u2019re lying to me.\u201d<\/p>\n<p>\u201cI never lied!\u201d The tears were of anger, not grief, but they sprang to her eyes too fast to stop. \u201cNot telling is not the same as lying.\u201d It took a few gasping breaths to get herself under control again. With a distasteful look, Audun handed her a handkerchief. She took it, wiped her eyes, and glaring wetly at him, set her jaw. \u201cAudun Cartwright, you ought to be slapped.\u201d<\/p>\n<p>\u201cDo it, if it will make you feel better. But my father never should have left. I told him that, but you said no word to him. He was already angry, and it was to do with you. Your movements around each other were always stiff and awkward those last weeks, and you barely spoke. I know you love my father. I can see it in your face. But he left because of you just as much as because of Uncle Joe.\u201d<\/p>\n<p>\u201cMaybe,\u201d Tilly finally said. She lowered her voice. \u201cAudun, I was never\u2026molested.\u201d<\/p>\n<p>\u201cRaped. White people always try to find pretty words for bad things. It makes no sense.\u201d<\/p>\n<p>\u201cI was never raped. But a couple of men did try, back on that island. I got away from them\u2026barely. I had to fight them off. Sometimes\u2026sometimes in my dreams, they try again, and in the dreams, I don\u2019t always get away.\u201d<\/p>\n<p>\u201cAnd you never told my father this,\u201d he said.<\/p>\n<p>\u201cNo.\u201d<\/p>\n<p>\u201cWhy?\u201d<\/p>\n<p>\u201cI was trying to protect him!\u201d<\/p>\n<p>He was standing next to the grandfather clock, and at that he whacked it hard enough that a dull chime vibrated through the room. \u201cDid it ever occur to you that most of the fights between you and my father\u2014between my father and grandfather\u2014between my father and me\u2014even between Uncle Joe and the others\u2014involve unnecessary, unwanted protection? The things you do to each other in the name of protection hurt more than whatever it is you\u2019re trying to protect us from!\u201d<\/p>\n<p>The tears were back, and she smashed the handkerchief against her hot eyes. \u201cOh Lord\u2026You\u2019re right.\u201d When she managed to take the soggy cloth away again, Audun was sitting next to her.<\/p>\n<p>\u201cYou can slap me now,\u201d he said, looking at the floor.<\/p>\n<p>\u201cI should.\u201d<\/p>\n<p>\u201cIf you\u2019re going to, then do it quickly, because after that I must hug you.\u201d<\/p>\n<p>She burst into startled laughter. \u201cYou <em>must<\/em>?\u201d<\/p>\n<p>He looked as serious as she\u2019d ever seen him. \u201cYes\u2026Mother.\u201d<\/p>\n<p><strong>Chapter 49<\/strong><\/p>\n<p><strong><em>July, 1875<\/em><\/strong><\/p>\n<p>After nearly a month of wandering in the wilderness like the children of Israel, avoiding every town he saw, Joe rode into Placerville with Adam still at his side.<\/p>\n<p>They\u2019d spent most of the time riding through the thick forest near the Rubicon, following the general course of the river. Once, in a fit of evil humor, Adam had said to Joe, \u201cYou scared to cross it? You know that once you do, you can never go back.\u201d Joe hadn\u2019t gotten the joke, hadn\u2019t known or cared what Adam meant, and had just looked through him as if he wasn\u2019t there.<\/p>\n<p>Adam had thought he would jump for joy at hearing, \u201cI\u2019m stoppin\u2019 in Placerville for a while.\u201d Placerville had a newspaper; the dry goods store usually had a few books. He didn\u2019t care if it was something he\u2019d already read. He didn\u2019t care if it was something he\u2019d read and hadn\u2019t liked. At this juncture he didn\u2019t care of it was the label of a tin of condensed milk. Anything was better than the dreary company of his thoughts right now, because his thoughts were doing their best to drive him mad.<\/p>\n<p><em>How could you be with him, even if you were \u2018just trying to survive\u2019? How did you manage to come to love him along the way? Didn\u2019t you know what he was doing to me? How could you leave him, if you loved him\u2026and how did you manage to act as if you still loved me for such a long time? It was only in your dreams that the truth came out. Why were you reading that book? Did you really think I\u2019d lost my mind? And if you lied so often, why didn\u2019t you have the kindness to lie when I asked if you still felt the same way about him? At least then I could have forgiven you\u2026and why do I want to forgive you now, even knowing what I know? How did I lose you, Tilly?<\/em><\/p>\n<p>A year ago this time he\u2019d thought he wanted to remember what had happened in the prison on Grand Terre. Now, he couldn\u2019t forget, no matter how he tried. He remembered when the soldiers took him away from Tilly\u2026he remembered his friend, Henri Rochefort, and wondered if he\u2019d managed to get away\u2026he remembered the weeks in the cell, going without food, occasionally going for days without water\u2026he remembered being stretched from a chain that hung from the ceiling, his toes barely touching the floor, and the only way to keep his arms from being slowly pulled out of their sockets was to stand on tiptoe for hours at a time\u2026then they had decided he didn\u2019t need to sleep, and had kept him awake for endless periods\u2026he never knew how long and was so far below ground he couldn\u2019t differentiate day from night. He remembered the bullwhip<em>\u2014\u201cI call her Frieda,\u201d Max had told him, caressing his face with the handle. \u201cBecause I once knew a girl by that name. She grew her nails quite long, you see, like these nails that I\u2019ve punched through the leather here and here. Clever, no?\u201d<\/em><\/p>\n<p>\u201c\u2026soon as we get there,\u201d Joe was saying.<\/p>\n<p>\u201cSorry, what? I didn\u2019t hear you.\u201d<\/p>\n<p>\u201cI said, I\u2019m gonna find a poker game as soon as we get there. You can get us a room, all right?\u201d<\/p>\n<p>\u201cSure.\u201d<\/p>\n<p>Joe\u2019s expression softened momentarily. \u201cThanks,\u201d he said.<\/p>\n<p>\u201cFor what?\u201d<\/p>\n<p>\u201cUm\u2026for havin\u2019 the good sense not to nag me about the poker this time.\u201d<\/p>\n<p>\u201cYour money,\u201d Adam shrugged. \u201cI got no stake in it.\u201d<\/p>\n<p>Placerville had changed since the last time he\u2019d seen it. Of course, the last time he\u2019d been there had been\u2026what, seven, eight years before? He\u2019d heard the city wasn\u2019t doing so well\u2014Pa had told him it had unincorporated and wasn\u2019t even a city anymore\u2014but seeing it now was like seeing a ghost town. Half the buildings had fallen into ruin. There was still a hotel, still a couple of saloons, still a livery stable. Still a bath house, thank heaven\u2014he was in desperate need of a scrubbing. But what passed for a dry goods market and general store was such a wreck that he found himself wondering if he\u2019d be able to find any books after all.<\/p>\n<p>At the first saloon they saw, Joe dropped from Cochise and tossed the reins to Adam. \u201cSee ya later,\u201d he said curtly, and went inside. Adam took the horses to the livery and returned, weighted down under the two heavy sets of saddlebags. He stopped in at the hotel long enough to register and drop off the saddlebags in the room they\u2019d be sharing, then grabbed his spare set of clothes and headed off to the bath house, wishing he had one of Hop Sing\u2019s copper scouring pads. Months in the wilderness were not conducive to cleanliness.<\/p>\n<p>Feeling mostly clean and human again, he emerged from the bath house and threw out the threadbare, filthy duds he\u2019d been wearing. Then he headed to the dry goods store for another set of clothes and\u2014he hoped\u2014a book.<\/p>\n<p>As he walked, he thought of Joe. It seemed those nightmares were becoming more frequent, not less. He didn\u2019t dare leave his brother alone now. Joe sometimes slipped and said things out loud, too, things like \u201cI should\u2019ve used greener wood\u201d or \u201cit was such a small house\u2026why couldn\u2019t she get out?\u201d and of course the omnipresent blame: \u201cI should have been there.\u201d<\/p>\n<p><em>If he\u2019d been there, I don\u2019t doubt they would\u2019ve killed him too\u2014he would\u2019ve had no chance against four of them. Then\u2026well, in that case they probably would\u2019ve set the house on fire to cover up the evidence. As things were, they were sending a clear message that he still owed them money, and they expected to collect. They must have been watching him in Virginia City the first couple of weeks after Alice died, waiting for a chance to get him alone\u2014but they never could because Pa made sure someone was always with him. How long until they come looking for him? Or how long before they go for Pa? Pa\u2019s the one with the real money. They don\u2019t know me; Joe hasn\u2019t built the business up that much yet, and he hasn\u2019t been doing it long enough to have a lot of money on his own. I should\u2019ve told Pa.<\/em><\/p>\n<p><em>What am I thinking\u2014he\u2019d have had a heart attack if he learned I was the one who torched the house. But what choice did I have? <\/em><\/p>\n<p>The day only got worse as he went through the town. The very last copy of the weekly newspaper had been sold; the next edition wasn\u2019t due until the 14th. And the dry goods store was out of books. \u201cWe only had five this month, sir, and somebody bought \u2019em all. Sorry.\u201d<\/p>\n<p>Disgusted, Adam went into a little caf\u00e9 next to a saloon and stared at the menu scrawled above the counter. At least that was something to read.<\/p>\n<p>He hadn\u2019t had steak in a long time. Idly he wondered, as he placed his order, if it was Ponderosa beef. Pa used to sell to Placerville, he remembered. Funny, though\u2014he only knew on paper the markets the ranch dealt with these days; he had done little ranch work since coming home. From the time he\u2019d arrived, he had made it clear he would be working at Becker and Lloyd. Pretty funny since Pa seemed to want him so desperately at the ranch, and Becker and Lloyd made it clear that they had no desire to work with him. They had told him that his architectural knowledge was outdated, that he had no idea of all the changes occurring in the field these days, and they simply couldn\u2019t use him. In the end, he had said \u201cThen pay back my investment plus thirty-three percent of the profits you\u2019ve made ever since I bought into the firm. We have a contract, remember?\u201d They\u2019d had to give in, because they hadn\u2019t had the cash on hand. Not that they\u2019d had to worry; he had not worked there much. Four months after beginning he\u2019d had to leave with Audun, and after he returned only five months had gone by before he\u2019d left with Joe. And there had been the assorted days off in between, during one or another family bereavement. There had been so many.<\/p>\n<p>He sat down at a table with his steak and potatoes, and looked up to notice a woman coming into the place. She was a saloon girl\u2014it was obvious, even in the daytime. Lips and cheeks just a little too red, and her dress, though plain blue and in good condition, was old, a dress that had been in fashion before he and Tilly had left for Spain.<\/p>\n<p>She sat down at the table next to his, and then noticing that he had been looking at her, she got up again and indicated the empty chair at his table. \u201cHi, cowboy. Mind if I join you?\u201d<\/p>\n<p>\u201cIf you like,\u201d he said cautiously.<\/p>\n<p>\u201cI don\u2019t bite,\u201d she said with a tired smile. \u201cOr at least, not unless I\u2019m paid to.\u201d<\/p>\n<p>He gave her a lopsided grin of his own.<\/p>\n<p>\u201cLook,\u201d she said, \u201cMister, I don\u2019t want to pain you if you\u2019re in no mood for company. Truth is, I\u2019m hoping to drum up a little business. I\u2019m tryin\u2019 to get home, see.\u201d<\/p>\n<p>\u201cUm\u2026no, I don\u2019t see\u2026\u201d<\/p>\n<p>\u201cWell, I\u2019m from Knoxville. Tennessee.\u201d<\/p>\n<p>\u201cI\u2019ve heard of it. Long way from California.\u201d<\/p>\n<p>\u201cYup. I come out here after that damned Longstreet feller attacked the town. Back then I thought I couldn\u2019t get far enough away. Now I wish to God every night that I was back.\u201d<\/p>\n<p>Adam nodded. \u201cMa\u2019am, I thank you for your honesty. Let me be honest with you in return. I appreciate your offer, and I wish I could help, but I\u2019m not looking for company. In fact I\u2019d just about pay you to leave me alone.\u201d<\/p>\n<p>She laughed shortly. \u201cWell, I reckon that\u2019s your business. I won\u2019t intrude any more, then. Too bad, though\u2014I saw you when you first come into town, and then after you come outta the bath house. Dang, you cleaned up a lot nicer than I thought you would.\u201d<\/p>\n<p>She stood up\u2014and dropped her handbag on the floor, spilling its contents. Adam barely noticed the laudanum bottle, the crocheting needle and partially finished project, or the empty bill clip, because in the midst of those things was a leather-bound volume. He sucked in his breath at the sight.<\/p>\n<p>She hastily stuffed everything back into the bag and started away again, but Adam said, \u201cMiss, if you\u2019re serious about wanting to make some money, I think I can help you.\u201d<\/p>\n<p><strong>Chapter 50<\/strong><\/p>\n<p><strong><em>July, 1875<\/em><\/strong><\/p>\n<p>Adam was speeding back to the hotel with his newest acquisition in the pocket of his light jacket. He didn\u2019t even know what book it was, and he had never paid so much for a book in his life. Well, he didn\u2019t care. Finally\u2026something to read.<\/p>\n<p>\u201cMister, you don\u2019t even know what this is, and you want to give me fifty bucks for it? Are you outta your mind?\u201d she had said with a laugh. He still had no idea of her name.<\/p>\n<p>\u201cWhy are you arguing? That would pay your train fare at least halfway to Tennessee, wouldn\u2019t it?\u201d<\/p>\n<p>\u201cWell, yes, but\u2026Mister, this book ain\u2019t just any ordinary book. It took years\u2026\u201d<\/p>\n<p>He barely listened to her. \u201cI don\u2019t care if it\u2019s Chaucer in Chinese. I\u2019ll take it. Fifty dollars isn\u2019t enough? How about a hundred?\u201d<\/p>\n<p>She\u2019d still argued with him, until he said \u201cfive hundred\u2014take it or leave it.\u201d At that she gasped, \u201cYou\u2019re plumb crazy, Mister.\u201d But she handed him the book. \u201cAnd you can\u2019t change your mind, \u2019cause I\u2019m goin\u2019 from here to the train station!\u201d She must have done so\u2014she was out of the restaurant in two seconds flat.<\/p>\n<p>He hadn\u2019t opened it even then. He\u2019d put it in his pocket, and now he was going back to the hotel to stretch out on his bed and savor every page. He\u2019d left most of his steak behind just so he could get back. The meat was overcooked anyway. Devouring a book would be way better.<\/p>\n<p>\u201cWell,\u201d said an unfamiliar voice behind him. \u201cFancy running into you here.\u201d<\/p>\n<p>He turned back and stared as a million tiny pinpricks of horror rippled through him. \u201cMax?\u201d<\/p>\n<p>The man looked oddly at him. \u201cMy name is Damion. Let\u2019s talk, Mr. Cartwright. Joe Cartwright, I believe? May I call you Joe?\u201d<\/p>\n<p>Adam found his throat closed too tightly to respond. Somehow it had never occurred to him that they would think he was Joe. So that was why they hadn\u2019t moved on Joe before. They hadn\u2019t been watching Joe in Virginia City; they\u2019d been watching him, and he seldom went anywhere. Finally, he managed to say, \u201cNo, you may not.\u201d<\/p>\n<p>\u201cPity. I had hoped we could be friends,\u201d Damion said with a leer. \u201cDo you know, I said the same thing to your lovely wife. Oh\u2026not so lovely now, is she? I misspoke, of course. I do that sometimes when I\u2019m excited.\u201d<\/p>\n<p>Both Adam\u2019s fists had clenched, but before he could draw one back, he found his arms yanked behind him and held tight by an unseen force.<\/p>\n<p>\u201cNow, where can we speak? I try not to conduct business in alleyways. Ah\u2026step in here.\u201d<\/p>\n<p>Adam found himself being propelled into the saloon he had passed. The man behind Adam let go just as Damion pointed at the nearest table and said softly, \u201cYou can sit down of your own volition, or Mr. Hanley can break your clavicle. Believe me, it requires little effort on his part, and he can make it look entirely accidental. And do keep both hands on top of the table. Mr. Hanley gets nervous when he can\u2019t see people\u2019s hands.\u201d Adam sat down\u2014and felt the blood leave his face when he saw Joe across the room at the corner table. Joe gave him an uninterested, fleeting look and looked back at his cards.<\/p>\n<p>Adam glanced at \u201cMr. Hanley\u201d\u2014a forbidding figure, about the size of Hoss but lacking something\u2026maybe it was Hoss\u2019s geniality. No, it went deeper than that\u2014the soulless eyes, the hands, ready to wreak havoc. This was the one, he was sure, who had emerged from the house smiling and covered in blood. Hanley stared back at him with a look devoid of any emotion, unless perhaps hunger was an emotion. Adam forced himself to keep looking at Hanley as Damien sat down. He had no desire to look at \u201cMax,\u201d and he couldn\u2019t risk looking at Joe again.<\/p>\n<p>\u201cMr. Cartwright,\u201d Damion said politely, \u201cYou must realize things cannot go on as they have. Your brother-in-law borrowed five thousand dollars from me and then lied and misled me as to the payment schedule. I am a simple businessman, sir, but I have exquisite tastes which must be fed, so I cannot afford charity. When I make a loan, it must be repaid. Now that the good Lord has called home the spirit of John Harper, and unfortunately poor Alice as well, you are my only link to the money that is rightfully mine.\u201d<\/p>\n<p>\u201cThe good Lord had nothing to do with John Harper\u2019s \u2018passing\u2019\u2014and you may as well know that John Harper was nothing to me,\u201d Adam said tightly. \u201cI had nothing to do with him, and any debts he had to you were his responsibility, not mine. If you wanted him to pay you back, maybe you shouldn\u2019t have killed him.\u201d<\/p>\n<p>Damion smiled. \u201cKeep your voice down, Mr. Cartwright. Harper\u2019s death was unfortunate. So was your poor wife\u2019s.\u201d<\/p>\n<p>\u201cUnfortunate? That\u2019s what you call it when a woman is gutted like a fish?\u201d<\/p>\n<p>\u201cOh, but you make it sound so unrefined.\u201d Damien gave Hanley a sympathetic look. \u201cMr. Hanley was once in surgical training. But I digress. Please examine this promissory note. You see the amount borrowed, and the date\u2014almost a year ago. I think I was very patient. With the interest Mr. Harper agreed to, the repayment now owed me is $15,000. When can I expect the full amount?\u201d<\/p>\n<p>\u201cWhen the sun rises in the west and the bird of paradise flies up your\u2014\u201d<\/p>\n<p>Suddenly Mr. Hanley\u2019s boot was covering his own foot, smashing down in a way that would have been excruciatingly painful even if he\u2019d never had the bones broken before. He nearly screamed, but then the pressure was removed again, and he managed to pant a few times before squaring his shoulders and looking back at Damion.<\/p>\n<p>The smile had never left Damion\u2019s face, and now his light-blue eyes traveled up and down Adam for a moment. \u201cYou\u2019re a handsome enough man, in your own dark way, Joe Cartwright.\u201d<\/p>\n<p>Adam just looked back at him.<\/p>\n<p>\u201cBut imagine what Mr. Hanley\u2019s skills could do for your appearance.\u201d<\/p>\n<p>Adam reflected on his life of late, and then leaned forward. \u201cMr. Damion, I\u2019ve lost my wife. I\u2019ve lost my son. I just spent my last few dollars renting a room. I have no money for you and no fear of anything you could do to me, so do your worst.\u201d<\/p>\n<p>\u201cThat doesn\u2019t wash, Joe. I did a little research on the Cartwright name before I ever came out to visit your house, you see. I know about your family\u2019s land holdings, your mining, timber, and cattle operations. There isn\u2019t a bank in the West that wouldn\u2019t love to give you money. I also know you have two brothers, and that there are other women on that ranch of your father\u2019s; I\u2019m sure they\u2019re some relation to you. Then there\u2019s your father, that kindly old gentleman with the silver hair. Ben, I think he said his name was. He told me when I called before that you had gone out of town on business, but as long as it\u2019s taken to find you, I can\u2019t fathom what business it could be. Now, maybe you don\u2019t mind losing your life, Joe, but just imagine that nice father of yours. When I left Virginia City, I left a few men behind to keep an eye on your family. One telegram, and I fear the Ponderosa is in for a run of bad luck.\u201d<\/p>\n<p>Adam refused to show the sudden lurch of fear that shivered through him. He looked at Damion. \u201cI guess you did need to leave a man behind. My dog tore his arm off. You may be surprised to learn that dog was one of about a dozen, all with the same temperament. They don\u2019t like intruders. You send one of your men into my ranch, he\u2019d better bring along a supply of prosthetics.\u201d<\/p>\n<p>Damion shrugged. \u201cNot that fellow. Unfortunately, he was too badly injured to be of further service to me\u2026he found himself, um, retired. You\u2019re right; that was a formidable animal you had. But even that dog was not bullet-proof. Most dogs are not, or so I am informed. I\u2019m not really a dog lover. My, Joe\u2014once you begin talking, there\u2019s just no silencing you, is there? You see, I\u2019m not as limited as I may seem; you only saw four of us that day, but there are others who work for me. For the most part, they share a few characteristics with Mr. Hanley, here. So, here\u2019s my offer. You owe me $15,000. Either have it for me tomorrow, or I\u2019ll have your mother subjected to the treatment poor Alice received, albeit by a less-skilled practitioner.\u201d<\/p>\n<p>\u201cMy\u2026mother?\u201d Adam repeated dumbly.<\/p>\n<p>\u201cDid you forget? Strange. I heard in town that the one who had no feelings for his family was the brother called Adam, not Joe or Hoss. I further heard that the Cartwright \u2018philosophy\u2019 is that \u2018family is never thrown out with the potato peels.\u2019\u201d<\/p>\n<p>Adam found himself laughing, half-hysterically. \u201cWho in hell told you that?\u201d<\/p>\n<p>Damion thought a moment. \u201cOne Will Cartwright, whose ranch is devoid of dogs and whose wife and daughter are\u2026at the moment\u2026lovely to look upon, although I can have my men play with them a while before the final cut. Sooner or later, Joe, I\u2019m bound to arrive at someone you do care about, even if you aren\u2019t worried about yourself. I\u2019ll meet you here tomorrow at noon. Don\u2019t bother trying to leave town. I know where to find you. I\u2019m closer than you think.\u201d<\/p>\n<p>With that, he and Hanley stood up, nodded politely, and strode out. Adam slumped in his chair, hoping to God Joe hadn\u2019t paid any attention to their conversation, and suddenly discovering that reading was the last thing on his mind.<\/p>\n<p>&nbsp;<\/p>\n<p><strong>Chapter 51<\/strong><\/p>\n<p><strong><em>July, 1875<\/em><\/strong><\/p>\n<p>Tom Dudley, the Western Union telegrapher, looked up as the tall, black-clad man tramped in and pushed his hat up. \u201cI need to send two wires,\u201d the stranger said. Tom, not much for talking, grunted and handed him two forms.<\/p>\n<p>The black-clad man wrote carefully on the two forms and then handed one back. \u201cSend this first.\u201d<\/p>\n<p>Tom took the first form, his eyes widening as he scanned the content.<\/p>\n<p><em>Sheriff Roy Coffee. Virginia City Nevada. Reference talk 0404. Some men currently near VC possibly watching Ponderosa. One probably dead. Two others in Placerville. Names Damion and Hanley. Am being watched. Cannot contact sheriff here. Wire Placerville sheriff to arrest. Adam Cartwright.<\/em><\/p>\n<p>Tom tapped the message out carefully, realizing as he did that the black-clad man was listening, and from the intent expression on his face, he might even know Morse code.<\/p>\n<p>He started to put the message form on the spike that held all the sent messages, but Adam Cartwright shook his head. \u201cHand it back to me. I\u2019ll be keeping that one.\u201d<\/p>\n<p>\u201cBut Mister, we keep a message log.\u201d<\/p>\n<p>\u201cThat\u2019s fine.\u201d He snatched the form from Tom\u2019s hand and placed the second message in front of him. \u201cThis is the one for your log. Don\u2019t send it\u2014just put it in your log as the file copy. I want you to forget you ever saw the first message.\u201d<\/p>\n<p>\u201cBut I can\u2019t\u2014we charge by the word, and\u2014\u201d<\/p>\n<p>\u201cThey\u2019re both the same length.\u201d<\/p>\n<p>Tom counted out the words in the second wire. Sure enough, they were both 42 words.<\/p>\n<p><em>Cyrus Hanks. VC First Bank. Virginia City Nevada. Careless with my cash this trip. Need to advance me fifteen thousand dollars from ASC129. Staying at James Inn Placerville. By all means keep private. My father does not need to know. Joe Cartwright.<\/em><\/p>\n<p>\u201cWell, you\u2019re right, Mister, but\u2026I don\u2019t think this is legal.\u201d<\/p>\n<p>Cartwright produced a fifty-dollar gold piece.<\/p>\n<p>Tom considered this. \u201cOkay, but if there\u2019s any trouble\u2026\u201d<\/p>\n<p>Adam\u2026or Joe\u2026Cartwright held up his Colt and looked enigmatically at him over the barrel. \u201cIf there\u2019s any trouble, you were held at gunpoint and forced to do things this way. Right?\u201d<\/p>\n<p>\u201cRight.\u201d He took the gold piece, enjoying its weight in his hand. Cartwright holstered the Colt and walked out of the office as Tom pocketed the money.<\/p>\n<p>Two hours later, as Tom hung the \u201cclosed until six\u201d sign on the door in preparation for the shift change and brought all the books up to date, two men walked in. \u201cI\u2019m closed,\u201d he called out, but a closer look at the big fellow prompted him to gulp and say, \u201chow can I help you?\u201d<\/p>\n<p>\u201cI\u2019d like to see the telegram forms for the day, please,\u201d the smaller man said pleasantly while the big one behind him glowered at Tom as if daring him to say the wrong thing.<\/p>\n<p>\u201cSir, I can\u2019t do that\u2014we got confidential\u2014\u201d<\/p>\n<p>The man sighed. \u201cI\u2019ll ask once more. If you remain uncooperative, I\u2019ll have to ask my friend here to persuade you.\u201d<\/p>\n<p>Other men might be heroes; Tom had never had any use for them. He handed over the heavy envelope into which he had just stuffed all the sent wires for the day. The smaller man looked through them, finally finding one that seemed to please him. \u201cThe man is smarter than I thought,\u201d he commented, and dropping the envelope and its contents on the floor, he turned to leave, with the larger man trailing in his wake. Trembling a little, Tom watched them go, then went to pick up the telegrams.<\/p>\n<p>On the top of the messy pile was the telegram he had never sent. The one from \u201cJoe\u201d Cartwright.<\/p>\n<p>Tom replaced everything and devoutly hoped he would never see Adam Cartwright (or Joe Cartwright, whichever he was) or those other two men again\u2026and then found himself wondering if those two men were the ones Cartwright had referred to in the first telegram.<\/p>\n<p>If they were, he thought, they were in for an unpleasant surprise.<\/p>\n<p><strong>Chapter 52<\/strong><\/p>\n<p><strong><em>July, 1875<\/em><\/strong><\/p>\n<p>His stomach still roiling, Adam returned to the hotel, trying to get his shaking under control. It wasn\u2019t just Damion; it wasn\u2019t even Hanley, although his shoulders were still sore from the way they\u2019d been yanked half out of their sockets by the brutal giant. It was everything they represented. They represented Alice, looking up at him with unseeing eyes, her insides decorating the kitchen of the little yellow house; Paris, where he\u2019d abandoned his tiny unborn son; and somehow most of all, Max, who meant prison and torture and the mental games that Adam had never learned to play. Funny, on closer inspection Damion did not look that much like Max, but still, he could not separate the two in his mind: Damion had taken away the precarious illusion of normality Adam had built after his return home\u2026and Max had taken away Tilly, the only person he had ever thought of as unfailingly <em>his<\/em>, the wife he loved and cared for, even as she loved and cared for of him.<\/p>\n<p>Only he hadn\u2019t taken care of her, had he? He\u2019d gotten himself taken away and left Tilly alone. And of all things, he\u2019d delegated Max to take care of her. Max had taken care of her good and proper, with the result that she didn\u2019t want Adam anymore.<\/p>\n<p>And of course, now that he\u2019d finally started to get used to the thought that he would never see her again\u2014now this fellow showed up to remind him of what he\u2019d gone through and everything he\u2019d lost.<\/p>\n<p>Hell\u2026to remind him of everything Joe had lost.<\/p>\n<p>Well, the situation was resolved now. Roy would send a wire to the Placerville sheriff, and he\u2019d arrest those two. Somehow, Adam was going to have to get Joe out of town first thing in the morning\u2014he didn\u2019t intend to stick around. Sure, without him to give evidence to the sheriff, the two murderers would be released, and they\u2019d doubtless come after him. But the Ponderosa would be safe; Roy would send someone to watch it. And once Adam and Joe got out of town, he\u2019d rig a quarrel. It shouldn\u2019t be hard to do; Joe was plenty quarrelsome himself. They\u2019d split up, and he\u2019d double back this way to wait for Damion and Hanley. They didn\u2019t even know who Joe was; Adam was the only one in danger, and he had nothing to lose. Oh, he\u2019d give them a chance; he\u2019d never backshoot anyone, not even them. But they needed to die. Only God knew how many other people they had killed.<\/p>\n<p><em>Maybe I\u2019ll give them a Christian burial, but they\u2019ll get no trial. They already confessed, anyway. Well, Damion did, and from the look of satisfaction on Hanley\u2019s face when Damion spoke, he certainly didn\u2019t disagree. They had already had more of a trial than I was ever allowed.<\/em><\/p>\n<p><em>Good God, am I really thinking about deliberate killing? Me, the biggest proponent of law and order to ever walk into a courtroom? But is it murder\u2026or is it just somehow evening the scales, bringing balance back to the universe?<\/em><\/p>\n<p>And with a bitter half-smile, he realized he had no idea what constituted \u201cbalance\u201d anymore. <em>Innocent people shot down like dogs in the streets of Paris; babies left in dishpans and garbage heaps; men\u2019s backs flayed open with nail-studded whips; women disemboweled and left on display in their own kitchens. Balance? What is that?<\/em><\/p>\n<p>He had lost all interest in the book in his pocket; at the moment he just wanted to get back inside the hotel where Max\u2014no, no, Damion\u2014couldn\u2019t see him. And then, maybe he\u2019d cry or scream or hit himself in the head with his boot heels or something\u2026anything to get all those images out of his brain.<\/p>\n<p>He walked into the room and there was Joe, curled on one of the narrow beds, sobbing. <em>Oh, God<\/em>. He turned and started back out, remembering a time when Joe would have wanted a little brotherly comfort and wisdom, but now it was best to pretend he had seen and heard nothing.<\/p>\n<p>Joe\u2019s muffled voice reached him as he was making his exit: \u201cAdam\u2026don\u2019t go.\u201d<\/p>\n<p>Adam stopped, carefully closing the door. He made a great show of taking off his hat as he walked past Joe to the other bed, keeping the hat between him and Joe. Still keeping his face averted, he slowly took off his jacket and hung it on the bedpost. He took off his gun belt, but instead of hanging it up he kept the holster within easy reach. Finally, hoping he\u2019d given Joe enough time to put himself back together, he turned around and casually sat down on the bed. \u201cPretty hot outside,\u201d he commented. \u201cGood thing we got into town when we did.\u201d<\/p>\n<p>Joe scrubbed at his eyes with his sleeve. \u201cAdam, do you think I\u2019m losing my mind?\u201d<\/p>\n<p><em>Good God, does he really want to talk now? After almost five months of silence? And to me? Joe wants an opinion on sanity\u2014from me? When Tilly thinks I\u2019ve lost my mind, and she may be right?<\/em><\/p>\n<p>\u201cI don\u2019t think so,\u201d he said at last. \u201cBut you\u2019ve been through hell. People who go through bad things\u2026can change some. Doesn\u2019t mean they\u2019re wrong. Or insane.\u201d <em>Would I know if you were? Would I know if I was?<\/em><\/p>\n<p>\u201cI was playin\u2019 poker\u2026you saw me, right? You didn\u2019t stay long. Who were those fellas?\u201d<\/p>\n<p>\u201cCouple of guys I met once before. Can\u2019t recall where; might have been Becker and Lloyd\u2019s. Nobody important. I didn\u2019t stay long because I remembered an errand I had to run.\u201d<\/p>\n<p>\u201cWhat kind of errand?\u201d Joe\u2019s glance was half puzzled, half suspicious.<\/p>\n<p>He thought fast, then pulled the leather volume from his pocket. \u201cI wanted to buy a book.\u201d<\/p>\n<p>\u201cOh. Of course.\u201d Joe giggled, managing to sound simultaneously boyish and hysterical. \u201cAdam, I think you\u2019re the only person in the world who never changes. Nice to know there\u2019s still things I can count on.\u201d<\/p>\n<p>\u201cNever mind me. Why are you worried about yourself?\u201d<\/p>\n<p>Joe sighed. \u201cAll these months\u2026Oh, Adam. I couldn\u2019t believe it when it was plain in front of my face\u2026I was so mad I wanted to kill somebody, but somehow I couldn\u2019t\u2026all I can think about is all the things I did wrong with Alice, all the time I was gone, or thinking of other things even when I was home\u2026all I wanted was to be a good husband for her, to make her certain she\u2019d picked the right fellow\u2026and I messed it up so bad. And I was going to fix it\u2026and\u2026and now I never can. I was down at the saloon and right after you left I won a hand\u2014a big one, three hundred dollars\u2014and I just thought, <em>why am I doing this? What\u2019s any of it for? I could win a million dollars and I wouldn\u2019t care. I could lose it all and I wouldn\u2019t care. Nothing matters anymore.<\/em>\u201d<\/p>\n<p>\u201cBut Joe\u2014\u201d<\/p>\n<p>Joe held up one hand \u201cLet me finish. I folded, right then. Came up here and tried to pray.\u201d He sighed. \u201cNothing. Nary a word. Not even a Bible verse to run through my head. And then, while I was praying\u2026I dozed off. Just went to sleep\u2026and you know what I heard?\u201d<\/p>\n<p>Adam shook his head.<\/p>\n<p>\u201cMusic.\u201d<\/p>\n<p>\u201cMusic,\u201d Adam repeated.<\/p>\n<p>\u201cMusic. Remember that big old music box Pa gave Mama, back when I was a baby? With the jewels\u2026and that pretty little tune\u2026?\u201d<\/p>\n<p>Oh yes, he remembered. Damion had been carrying it out of Joe\u2019s house the last time he\u2019d seen it\u2026<\/p>\n<p>\u201cAdam, I heard that tune clear as day.\u201d He looked down at the floor. \u201cI gave the box to Alice\u2026I even remember when. It was the day you and Tilly came home again. Anyway\u2026I\u2019d swear I heard the song from that music box. I thought either I must be going insane, or maybe\u2026just maybe\u2026Alice was trying to tell me something. And I woke up and started to\u2026to cry\u2026like a silly kid. Alice is dead. There\u2019s nothing I can do about it.\u201d<\/p>\n<p>\u201cI would\u2019ve cried too,\u201d Adam said solemnly.<\/p>\n<p>\u201cAdam, do you think it was a message from Alice in heaven?\u201d<\/p>\n<p><em>A message? Yeah\u2026just not one from where you think. Not from heaven\u2014from hell.<\/em><\/p>\n<p>\u201cMaybe\u2026\u201d he cleared his throat. \u201cMaybe Alice is telling you to go home to Bonnie, and take care of her. You\u2019ve still got Bonnie, right?\u201d<\/p>\n<p>Joe shook his head, tears brimming in his eyes again. \u201cI barely even thought about her, Adam. All I could think of was what I didn\u2019t have. And I\u2019ve still got Pa, and Hoss\u2026and I\u2019ve got you. I can\u2019t believe you\u2019ve been following me all this time, just waitin\u2019 for me to come to my senses.\u201d<\/p>\n<p>\u201cSo we\u2019ll leave first thing in the morning,\u201d Adam said calmly. This would mess up his plans, but it wasn\u2019t something he couldn\u2019t circumvent.<\/p>\n<p>\u201cYeah\u2026yeah, let\u2019s do that. I\u2026I want to go home, Adam.\u201d<\/p>\n<p><strong>Chapter 53<\/strong><\/p>\n<p><strong><em>July, 1875<\/em><\/strong><\/p>\n<p>Sheriff Roy Coffee held the telegram in both hands like a priceless pearl as he stared into the distance.<\/p>\n<p>\u201cPretty strange, huh, Roy?\u201d said Clem, taking it from his hands and reading it again. \u201c\u2018Talk oh four oh four.\u2019 What in thunder does that mean?\u201d<\/p>\n<p>\u201cI reckon I\u2019ll figger it out,\u201d Roy mumbled, turning his attention back to Clem with difficulty. \u201cNot too strange at that. I gotta send a wire myself, Clem\u2026be back in a little while.\u201d<\/p>\n<p><strong><em>April 4, 1875<\/em><\/strong><\/p>\n<p>\u201cI want to thank you for comin\u2019 down, Adam,\u201d Roy said, laying a hand on Adam\u2019s shoulder for a moment before continuing to his desk. \u201cI know it\u2019s been hard times up to the Ponderosa fer a while now.\u201d<\/p>\n<p>\u201cPa said you had questions to ask me.\u201d Adam\u2019s voice was cool and detached, his eyes flat.<\/p>\n<p>\u201cJust a few, iffen you don\u2019t mind. The day Alice died\u2026I\u2019m tryin\u2019 to get all the facts straight in my mind, and they\u2019re not\u2026they\u2019re not lining up. I was hopin\u2019 you could help me make sense of it all.\u201d<\/p>\n<p>Adam just looked at him with those flat, dead eyes.<\/p>\n<p>\u201cNow, yer Pa told me you were supposed to go to Joe\u2019s house that day. Everybody thought Joe was still out of town, and you and Hoss had been ridin\u2019 out to keep tabs on Alice.\u201d<\/p>\n<p>Adam did not respond.<\/p>\n<p>\u201cWell?\u201d Roy asked.<\/p>\n<p>\u201cWell, what? You haven\u2019t asked me anything.\u201d<\/p>\n<p>\u201cIs it true you were supposed to go?\u201d<\/p>\n<p>\u201cYes.\u201d Adam looked down at the black hat in his lap and began tracing the perimeter of the crown.<\/p>\n<p>\u201cDid you?\u201d<\/p>\n<p>\u201cI was on the way there\u2026but Lady died.\u201d<\/p>\n<p>\u201cI heard about that. I\u2019m sorry; she was a real smart dog. I still remember back when you showed me how smart she was, back with them train robbers.\u201d<\/p>\n<p>Adam continued tracing the hat, and said nothing.<\/p>\n<p>\u201cHow\u2019d she die, Adam? Yer foreman Jim Coleman says you come home all covered in blood.\u201d<\/p>\n<p>Adam stopped tracing the hat and looked back at Roy. \u201cSomeone shot her.\u201d<\/p>\n<p>\u201cHmmm. That\u2019s not what Jim said. He said she must\u2019ve fell off the rocks over to Willet Crick.\u201d<\/p>\n<p>\u201cJim wasn\u2019t there,\u201d Adam said tonelessly. \u201cI\u2019m not responsible if he gave you bad information.\u201d<\/p>\n<p>\u201c\u2019Twasn\u2019t bad information at all, Adam,\u201d Roy replied. \u201cIt was wrong information, sure. But not all bad. You wanna tell me who shot Lady?\u201d<\/p>\n<p>\u201cI don\u2019t know who shot her!\u201d Adam snapped and resumed tracing the hat. \u201cRoy, are you charging me?\u201d<\/p>\n<p>\u201cNow, dang bust it all, Adam, why should you be charged with anything?\u201d<\/p>\n<p>\u201cI was supposed to go to the house, and I don\u2019t have a witness for my alibi.\u201d<\/p>\n<p>\u201cAlibi? Did I say you needed one?\u201d<\/p>\n<p>\u201cThat\u2019s how you\u2019re acting.\u201d There was emotion in his eyes now\u2014black anger. \u201cDammit, Roy, I didn\u2019t kill Alice. She was\u2026\u201d he swallowed, and looked away. \u201cShe was dear to me.\u201d<\/p>\n<p>\u201cLike a sister,\u201d Roy prompted, but his eyes were questioning.<\/p>\n<p>\u201cOf course like a sister! She <em>was <\/em>my sister. If you think I killed her\u2026\u201d<\/p>\n<p>\u201cI never said you killed her,\u201d Roy said gently. \u201cWho\u2019d ever think a thing like that about you, Adam? I just hoped\u2026maybe, somehow, you\u2019d have some information about whoever did.\u201d<\/p>\n<p>\u201cWhy would you think that?\u201d<\/p>\n<p>\u201c\u2019Cause\u2026\u201d and Roy opened the top drawer of his old desk and began to rummage through it. \u201cFirst off, the window Joe jumped through had the glass busted in, but there was another window in the baby\u2019s room, and that one was broke too. But the glass was all outside, like somebody broke it from the inside, maybe jumpin\u2019 out. And the door\u2026\u201d he gave Adam a lopsided grin, with his eyebrows drawn together. \u201cBen told me how Joe tried to bust in the door first and he couldn\u2019t believe how it held, so I checked that out. In the ashes, where the door was supposed to be, was a metal bolt. Meanin\u2019 somebody <em>inside<\/em> set the place afire, bolted the door, and jumped out the window.\u201d<\/p>\n<p>\u201cWhat does that have to do with me?\u201d<\/p>\n<p>\u201cJust this\u2026aside from that bolt, the only dadblamed physical clue I\u2019ve found in this infernal situation was a horseshoe, about a quarter mile from Joe\u2019s house in the direction of the Ponderosa. Half covered with mud, it was\u2026\u201d He produced the shoe from his desk drawer. \u201cFound it myself after the storm. And the mornin\u2019 of the funeral, I made a point of talkin\u2019 to one of your ranch hands, Eb\u2019s his name, the one that helps Hoss with the smithin\u2019. He said your big red gelding Sport had thrown a shoe from his off hind leg on the day of the fire, and he shod it again the mornin\u2019 after. And this shoe I found was the exact shape of Sport\u2019s off hind.\u201d He leaned forward and looked Adam in the eye. \u201cYou still wanna tell me you didn\u2019t go to Alice\u2019s house?\u201d<\/p>\n<p style=\"text-align: center;\">**<\/p>\n<p>Roy poured another cup of coffee for each of them, and then stirred in a healthy topping of Cascade sour mash. \u201cAdam, you served as my deputy once. You know plenty \u2019bout the law. You had to know this could make you an accessory after the fact. At a minimum it\u2019s obstruction of justice.\u201d<\/p>\n<p>\u201cWhat would you have done? Let your brother walk into his house thinking all was right with the world? I told you what I found in there. And I had no intention of obstructed justice; I was going to go after them myself. Can\u2019t you understand that?\u201d<\/p>\n<p>\u201cI reckon I do, but I\u2019m not sure a judge and jury would, and we can\u2019t hardly keep it from \u2019em.\u201d<\/p>\n<p>\u201cThat\u2019s if it ever comes to trial. I\u2019ll take that chance, Roy\u2014but we have to find them first. There were four men. One oughtta be easy to spot. Lady sliced the fella\u2019s arm open from shoulder to elbow before Max shot her.\u201d<\/p>\n<p>\u201cAdam, you told me you didn\u2019t know any of the men. Who in tunket is Max?\u201d<\/p>\n<p>Adam closed his eyes and took a long, shuddering breath. \u201cThat\u2019s not the man\u2019s real name. I don\u2019t know his real name. He just\u2026just looks like\u2026Max. Max was the man who tortured me in prison. The man reminds me of him\u2026he\u2019s younger, and his hair\u2019s darker, but\u2026\u201d<\/p>\n<p>\u201cSo you\u2019d recognize this man again?\u201d<\/p>\n<p>\u201cOh yeah.\u201d He drank a deep draught from the coffee cup and managed a pale, humorless smile. \u201cI\u2019d know him if he wore a burlap bag over his head, Roy.\u201d<\/p>\n<p>Roy ignored the jab. \u201cYou saw him clearly, and you got a pretty good look at the one Lady bit. But the other two, you didn\u2019t see?\u201d<\/p>\n<p>\u201cNot from the front, and they were a couple hundred feet off anyhow. I can tell you one of them rode a bay and the other was on a big strawberry roan. The man on the roan looked a lot bigger than the other three\u2014almost as big as Hoss\u2014and when he came out of the house he had blood all over his shirtfront. But I couldn\u2019t be more specific.\u201d<\/p>\n<p>\u201cWell\u2026\u201d Roy looked through his notes. \u201cI\u2019ll wire the doc in Carson, as well as all the sheriffs and town marshals within two hundred miles, but this is pretty slim stuff, and the men have a sizeable head start, what with you not comin\u2019 forward before. This Max fella, whatever his real name is\u2026about five-ten, blue eyes, dark blond or light brown hair\u2026you can\u2019t tell me any more than that?\u201d<\/p>\n<p>Adam frowned. \u201cBroad face, sharp chin\u2026I\u2019d know him.\u201d<\/p>\n<p>\u201cYeah. Even with a burlap bag. Is there anything else you can tell me?\u201d<\/p>\n<p>\u201cYes.\u201d Adam shoved the coffee cup to one side. \u201cRoy, there\u2019s an easier way to do this. Joe\u2026well, you know he hasn\u2019t taken this well.\u201d<\/p>\n<p>\u201cI know. Had him in here a couple times, you recall. Wouldn\u2019t hardly expect him to take it well, though. That\u2019s boy\u2019s always acted thirty percent head and seventy percent heart.\u201d<\/p>\n<p>\u201cWell, he says he\u2019s leaving. He doesn\u2019t know it yet, but I\u2019m going with him.\u201d<\/p>\n<p>\u201cWhy\u2019d you want to do that? And don\u2019t give me that Cartwright nonsense about he\u2019s your brother. I\u2019ve heard it for nigh onto thirty years.\u201d<\/p>\n<p>Adam spread his hands. \u201cYou\u2019ve been saying all along it looked like murder. But you never said it around Joe, and I think he\u2019s so caught up in his misery that it hasn\u2019t even occurred to him. Sooner or later, though, it will. I need to be there\u2026I guess to help him through it.\u201d<\/p>\n<p>\u201cBut how does this fit into some plan?\u201d<\/p>\n<p>\u201cI imagine Joe\u2019s being watched. We know John Harper was in debt and desperate for money; these were the men he owed. Their leaving Alice and John in the house like that was a warning to Joe\u2014they want him to pay. They\u2019ll look for him when they find out he\u2019s left town. Sooner or later they\u2019ll make a move on him, and then we\u2019ll have \u2019em.\u201d<\/p>\n<p>\u201cAnd assuming you and Joe live through that\u2026\u201d<\/p>\n<p>\u201cThey want money from him. They won\u2019t kill us yet.\u201d<\/p>\n<p>\u201cThey won\u2019t kill <em>him<\/em> yet. They might kill you, just to make a point\u2014like they did with Harper and Alice.\u201d<\/p>\n<p>\u201cNo; from what I heard about the way John Harper pestered Joe and Hoss, the fellow must have given a few warnings before he carried out his threats. I think he\u2019ll threaten first.\u201d<\/p>\n<p>Roy looked at him long and hard. \u201cAnd when he does, you\u2019ll wire me or talk to the nearest sheriff, and we\u2019ll arrest him\u2014but then it goes to trial, Adam. And then Joe\u2019ll find out the whole thing.\u201d<\/p>\n<p>\u201cI\u2019ll\u2026I\u2019ll make him understand somehow. But we\u2019ll cross that bridge when we come to it. First we draw the killers out.\u201d<\/p>\n<p><strong>Chapter 54<\/strong><\/p>\n<p><strong><em>August, 1875<\/em><\/strong><\/p>\n<p>\u201cYou\u2019re eight months along, Tilly,\u201d Ben said, looking away from her. \u201cA trip into town is not a good idea.\u201d<\/p>\n<p>\u201cI told you last night I was coming with you, and I am,\u201d Tilly said shortly.<\/p>\n<p>\u201cYou should know better than to try to persuade her, Grandfather,\u201d Audun put in from the floor, where he was giving Robin a ride on his back. \u201cShe is more stubborn than practical.\u201d<\/p>\n<p>\u201cWhich is probably why the two of you get along so well,\u201d Ben replied, but he smiled as he said it. \u201cAudun, if you\u2019re coming, you need to stop being a horse and come along.\u201d<\/p>\n<p>\u201cYes, Grandfather.\u201d He handed Robin to Hoss, who was already holding Bonnie Marie. \u201cYou won\u2019t forget to check their diapers?\u201d<\/p>\n<p>\u201cI\u2019m not as good with little folk as I am with colts, but I\u2019ll get there,\u201d Hoss replied.<\/p>\n<p>Audun was waiting in the back of the wagon when Tilly and Ben got outside. Ben helped Tilly onto the seat. \u201cWhy couldn\u2019t Charlotte just come out here?\u201d<\/p>\n<p>\u201cHow would that lend credibility to her practice?\u201d Tilly replied. \u201cBen, I\u2019m trying to show the respectable women of the town that they can trust Charlotte.\u201d<\/p>\n<p>\u201cYes,\u201d Audun put in. \u201cShe is not merely \u2018an old crone with a sharp stick for the soiled doves.\u2019 What are you looking like that for, Grandfather? That\u2019s what Charlotte said.\u201d<\/p>\n<p>\u201cYoung man, you and I are going to have a very long conversation after we get home about the proper way to speak,\u201d Ben said as he clambered onto the wagon.<\/p>\n<p>\u201cWill it involve a tanning?\u201d<\/p>\n<p>\u201cIt just might, if you don\u2019t take the concepts you learn from it and apply them.\u201d<\/p>\n<p>Audun sighed in relief. Grandfather was still good at making threats, but he seemed surprisingly reluctant to follow through with them these days. And that was a good thing, since Grandfather didn\u2019t seem to understand that Audun was a man now, and men weren\u2019t supposed to get tannings.<\/p>\n<p>\u201cRemind me why you\u2019re coming with us anyway,\u201d Ben called back as he nudged the horses forward.<\/p>\n<p>\u201cI want to talk to the preacher,\u201d Audun said earnestly.<\/p>\n<p>Ben didn\u2019t notice Tilly\u2019s wince. \u201cHuh,\u201d he said. \u201cMaybe there\u2019s hope for you yet.\u201d<\/p>\n<p style=\"text-align: center;\">**<\/p>\n<p>Tilly watched as the wagon lurched off to Tinker John\u2019s VC Dry Goods. Audun was walking toward the church down the street. She wondered if the poor preacher had any idea what lay in store for him\u2014and then decided she didn\u2019t care. Instead she crossed the street and mounted the board sidewalk in front of 289 C Street.<\/p>\n<p>Charlotte was in the outer office talking quietly with one of the four women in the waiting room. \u201cGo on in,\u201d she waved, \u201cI\u2019ll be in in a minute. Got one just coming out.\u201d<\/p>\n<p>Tilly had no idea what that meant, but she headed into the small consulting room anyway. Behind that room lay another door: the examination room, Tilly supposed. She wondered what sort of patients Charlotte already had. No men, certainly. And the four in the waiting room looked more like the \u201csoiled dove\u201d type than any other \u201ctype\u201d she knew.<\/p>\n<p>She sat down in front of the desk and waited\u2014and the door to the exam room opened. In walked a woman about her own height and build, but with brown curls descending halfway down her back. Now this one did not look like one of the \u201cdoves\u201d: her eyes were wide and blue and innocent, her face unlined; her smile seemed genuine. \u201cOh, you startled me,\u201d she said in a pleasant voice.<\/p>\n<p>\u201cSorry,\u201d Tilly said. \u201cI was told to wait here; I didn\u2019t know there was already\u2014\u201d<\/p>\n<p>\u201cThat\u2019s all right, Mrs. Cartwright, I was just leaving,\u201d said the woman. \u201cNice to see you.\u201d<\/p>\n<p>\u201cUm, nice to see you, too,\u201d Tilly replied, wondering how this person knew her.<\/p>\n<p>The woman walked out just as Charlotte came back in.<\/p>\n<p>\u201cAny more back there?\u201d Tilly asked, pointing to the exam room.<\/p>\n<p>\u201cNot this time\u2014goodbye now, you take care, Miss Robinson,\u201d Charlotte called\u2014and Tilly gasped.<\/p>\n<p>\u201cFlorinda Robinson?\u201d<\/p>\n<p>\u201cFlora. Why?\u201d<\/p>\n<p>\u201cI\u2019ll come back later,\u201d Tilly said, and sped out the door.<\/p>\n<p style=\"text-align: center;\">**<\/p>\n<p>\u201cBen! Ben, I need to see you!\u201d<\/p>\n<p>Ben turned at the commanding voice behind him. \u201c\u2019Mornin\u2019, Roy. What\u2019s the matter?\u201d<\/p>\n<p>\u201cI got a telegram last night and I need to talk to you about it. I woulda ridden out there last night, but it was nearly dark and I don\u2019t see so good at night.\u201d<\/p>\n<p>\u201cI wouldn\u2019t tell any of the city council about that,\u201d Ben muttered, but he followed Roy back to his office.<\/p>\n<p style=\"text-align: center;\">**<\/p>\n<p>Flora Robinson shut the door to her room, and Tilly, blushing fiercely, handed her twenty dollars.<\/p>\n<p>\u201cFirst time \u2018upstairs,\u2019 I take it,\u201d Flora said with a bitter grin. \u201cI still remember mine, too. Some things a girl doesn\u2019t forget.\u201d<\/p>\n<p>\u201cI don\u2019t want polite conversation,\u201d Tilly retorted.<\/p>\n<p>\u201cNeither do most of the men.\u201d Flora agreed.<\/p>\n<p>\u201cAnd I don\u2019t want you laughing at me!\u201d<\/p>\n<p>\u201cThe men don\u2019t like it either.\u201d<\/p>\n<p>\u201cI paid for your time, Miss Robinson. I don\u2019t consider the time started until I get to speak to you.\u201d<\/p>\n<p>\u201cThen say what you\u2019ve come to say.\u201d<\/p>\n<p>\u201cI want to know what\u2026what\u2019s been going on between my husband and you.\u201d<\/p>\n<p>Flora\u2019s eyebrows rose. \u201cAdam Cartwright\u2026and me?\u201d She laughed suddenly. \u201cWell, client confidentiality aside, that\u2019s a question I never thought I\u2019d hear.\u201d<\/p>\n<p>\u201cI don\u2019t really care what you think about, or whom\u2026as long as it\u2019s not my husband.\u201d<\/p>\n<p>Flora smiled. \u201cSo if I said he was mad for me, that wouldn\u2019t make your day at all, then.\u201d<\/p>\n<p>Tilly hesitated. \u201cThat\u2019s not true.\u201d<\/p>\n<p>\u201cI just thought I\u2019d ask.\u201d Flora seemed quite amused with herself.<\/p>\n<p>\u201cMiss Robinson,\u201d Tilly began, at first wanting to pull all the exalted words out of her mind\u2019s closet, but this was no time for pretension. \u201cThis may be funny as hell to you, but I\u2019m not laughing. Somehow I\u2019ve lost Adam. I just need to know\u2026if I\u2019ve lost him to you. I know you\u2019re the one he turns to when he turns away from me.\u201d<\/p>\n<p>Flora whirled; she walked over to the bed and knelt down by it. Tilly shut her eyes, trying not to picture Adam on that bed. When she opened them, Flora was standing in front of her, holding a leather-bound journal. \u201cHere.\u201d<\/p>\n<p>\u201cWhat\u2019s this?\u201d<\/p>\n<p>\u201cOpen it.\u201d<\/p>\n<p><strong><em>January 6, 1869<\/em><\/strong><\/p>\n<p><em>I threw my last diary away. Since I\u2019ll never see him again, there\u2019s no point in keeping it. A list of stupid, silly schoolgirl dreams, that\u2019s all. The here and now is simpler. In this town of fools I\u2019m the biggest one of all. Somehow that wretched O\u2019Reilly woman has gotten everything she needs to destroy me. She\u2019s spoken both to the seamstress who employed me and the new woman who boarded me. She told them about me: I was never married, and now I never will be. He doesn\u2019t even know where I am. I have a daughter to take care of. It\u2019s all so simple now. I only have one alternative short of killing myself\u2026and I\u2019d do <u>that<\/u> if not for Ruby.<\/em><\/p>\n<p><strong><em>January 10, 1869<\/em><\/strong><\/p>\n<p><em>Well, all my customers should be so easy to please. And this was my first! They say you never forget the first; I\u2019m sure I\u2019ll never forget him, even if not for the reasons everyone thinks. I heard Adam Cartwright is impossible to lure, but I got him on my first try. Or at least, I got him upstairs. Not my fault he passed out in the bathtub and nearly drowned. Not my fault he was unconscious all night long. And it\u2019s certainly not my fault if he doesn\u2019t remember any of it now and is looking as guilty as\u2026as O did when I told him I was carrying his child. They say Cartwright has a woman, a schoolteacher. Good luck to her. Maybe she\u2019ll keep him awake. I sure couldn\u2019t. Easiest twenty dollars I ever made\u2014not to mention the five-dollar gold piece his brothers gave me this morning to keep this quiet!<\/em><\/p>\n<p><strong><em>August, 1875<\/em><\/strong><\/p>\n<p>Unable to speak, Tilly looked up into Flora\u2019s innocent blue-gray eyes.<\/p>\n<p>\u201cNot exactly a banner evening,\u201d Flora said nonchalantly. \u201cMy next customer was a lot more\u2026sprightly.\u201d<\/p>\n<p>Tilly found her voice at last. \u201cBut\u2026you\u2019ve seen Adam since then.\u201d<\/p>\n<p>\u201cOnly once\u2014and believe me, that was nothin\u2019 to write home about, either.\u201d<\/p>\n<p>\u201cDo you really write down accounts of all your\u2026your customers?\u201d<\/p>\n<p>\u201cIt started off as a diary,\u201d Flora replied. \u201cIt turned into an account book later. Most of us keep accounts, nowadays. They started back when Julia Bulette died, before I came here. In some cases it makes judges less likely to prosecute if there\u2019s trouble\u2026and if we end up dead, our accounts leave entertaining reading for the lawmen to peruse.\u201d<\/p>\n<p>Tilly swallowed. \u201cI\u2019d like to see your account of\u2026of my husband\u2019s other\u2026visit.\u201d<\/p>\n<p>Flora shrugged. \u201cJust a minute.\u201d She returned to the bed and reached under the mattress, pulling out several more books. \u201cHere we go.\u201d She brought one back and took the old journal from Tilly\u2019s hand. \u201cSometime in March, I think. Men kinda run together after a while, but somehow, Miz Cartwright, that Adam stays in my memory.\u201d As Tilly began thumbing through the book, Flora began stuffing the others under the mattress.<\/p>\n<p><strong><em>March 30, 1873<\/em><\/strong><\/p>\n<p><em>He is here! How did he find me? My God what will I <\/em><\/p>\n<p><strong><em>August, 1875<\/em><\/strong><\/p>\n<p>\u201cOh\u2014wrong book, wrong year.\u201d Flora hastily grabbed it from her hand, and produced another book. \u201cMaybe I better help you. Oh, wait, here it is.\u201d<\/p>\n<p><strong><em>March 30, 1875<\/em><\/strong><\/p>\n<p><em>Adam Cartwright. $20 for night.<\/em><\/p>\n<p><strong><em>March 31, 1875<\/em><\/strong><\/p>\n<p><em>I\u2019ve seldom seen a man so determined to be unfaithful to his wife, and so incapable of it. Unless, of course, since he was about that lively in his previous visit, he may just be like that all the time, in which case no wonder the gals back at the Bucket o\u2019 Blood said he was a cold fish. All he wanted to do was talk\u2014and as if that wasn\u2019t bad enough, he only wanted to talk about his wife! And then he spent a good hour telling me how he got all the scars on his back, and about some ass named Max, who gave them to him\u2026<\/em><\/p>\n<p><strong><em>August, 1875<\/em><\/strong><\/p>\n<p>Flora gently pried the book out of Tilly\u2019s viselike grip. \u201cFirst time I\u2019ve ever been glad I kept notes of these things. I doubt you would\u2019ve believed me if I had told you.\u201d<\/p>\n<p>\u201cNo,\u201d Tilly whispered. \u201cI don\u2019t think I would\u2019ve.\u201d<\/p>\n<p>\u201cWell, did I earn my twenty?\u201d<\/p>\n<p>Tilly nodded, swallowing.<\/p>\n<p>As they walked back toward the door, Flora said, \u201cYou know, if I ever had a chance to marry, I could think of worse fellas than yours. I don\u2019t think you need to worry about him being unfaithful.\u201d<\/p>\n<p>\u201cThat\u2019s not it\u2026exactly.\u201d Tilly stood still, her hand on the doorknob. \u201cBut he told you about our problems. He didn\u2019t even tell me some of the things he told you. He told you about Grand Terre; he never told me. He said he couldn\u2019t remember.\u201d<\/p>\n<p>A shrug. \u201cHe\u2019s just tryin\u2019 to protect you is all. Men are like that with their wives. Now girls like me, the ones who get paid, men come to us because we don\u2019t need protecting.\u201d<\/p>\n<p>Sick of the whole notion of protectiveness, Tilly looked hard at Flora. \u201cEven from \u2018O\u2019?\u201d<\/p>\n<p>Flora whitened, but her voice remained even. \u201cThat was\u2026just a bit of foolishness when I was young. Left me a daughter to remember him by.\u201d<\/p>\n<p>\u201cOh\u2026Ruby.\u201d Tilly managed a smile. \u201cI take it she doesn\u2019t live here. That must be hard for you.\u201d<\/p>\n<p>\u201cI get to see her on my day off.\u201d<\/p>\n<p>\u201cBut now O\u2019s here in town\u2014that\u2019s what your journal said. Do you ever see him?\u201d<\/p>\n<p>Flora moved one shoulder. \u201cThe people of Virginia City would hardly approve of that. I\u2019d just as soon leave town, start all over somewhere else, and not think about him anymore\u2026if I could ever keep enough of the money I made, I would. Folk like you always think folk like me are rich. Truth is, I keep twenty-five cents out of every dollar I make\u2014the rest is for room and board here. And that little percentage I make mostly goes toward Ruby\u2019s upkeep.\u201d<\/p>\n<p>A sudden, wicked thought flitted through Tilly\u2019s mind. \u201cI think I can help you with that\u2026if you really want to leave this life\u2014and leave this town.\u201d<\/p>\n<p style=\"text-align: center;\">**<\/p>\n<p>Ben Cartwright looked like a ghost, Roy thought. Never, not even when Marie died, had Roy ever seen him look so sick.<\/p>\n<p>\u201cBen, lemme pour you a shot here. I know that was a lot to take in.\u201d<\/p>\n<p>Ben just sat there as if he hadn\u2019t heard.<\/p>\n<p>\u201cBen? You okay? Should I call Doc Martin?\u201d<\/p>\n<p>\u201cRoy,\u201d Ben finally whispered. \u201cWhy didn\u2019t he tell me?\u201d<\/p>\n<p>\u201cHe didn\u2019t tell anybody. I wouldn\u2019t know now if he hadn\u2019t been forced into it. He thought\u2026thinks\u2026he\u2019s protecting Joe.\u201d<\/p>\n<p>\u201cProtecting?\u201d Ben laughed crazily. \u201cMy God, Roy\u2014this kind of protection could kill us all! He\u2019ll get Joe killed\u2014he\u2019ll get himself killed. He hasn\u2019t been right in the head since he came back from overseas\u2026this just proves it. And I\u2019ll tell you something else. I don\u2019t think Adam sent that telegram just because he saw those men. He had to have spoken to them\u2014how else would he have known their names? And if he spoke to them, there must have been threats made. I\u2019ve got to get everyone back to the Ponderosa, and I want you to ride out and talk to Will. His family may be in danger too.\u201d<\/p>\n<p>\u201cWill Cartwright? Why him?\u201d<\/p>\n<p>\u201cRoy, a man fitting the description you gave came to the Ponderosa just a couple of weeks after Joe and Adam left. He said he had been talking to Joe about a lumber deal, but that he couldn\u2019t locate Joe now. I told him Joe was out of town, and somehow we got to talking\u2026he seemed to have heard of every Cartwright in the area, and wanted to know if we were all related. And I told him. I had no reason not to\u2014Will\u2019s been handling the lumber business since Joe left, anyway. So we\u2019re all in danger, but he\u2019ll go after the defenseless ones first. The women, the children. Will\u2019s away; Laura and Peggy are alone.\u201d<\/p>\n<p>\u201cAdam said he wouldn\u2019t do that. Said he\u2019s just after money.\u201d<\/p>\n<p>\u201cBut\u2026his way of getting money is to hurt Joe until he pays. Joe\u2019s daughter is at the Ponderosa right now. And if someone\u2019s watching us in Virginia City\u2026my God, I\u2019ve got to get to Beth\u2026find Tilly and Audun\u2026I really think Adam must have lost any sense he ever possessed, because what he\u2019s done\u2026\u201d he shook his head \u201c\u2026is insane.\u201d<\/p>\n<p><strong>Chapter 55<\/strong><\/p>\n<p><strong><em>August, 1875<\/em><\/strong><\/p>\n<p>Someone was knocking on the hotel door. Joe opened his eyes blearily. Didn\u2019t people in this town have any respect for people\u2019s sleep? He heard Adam getting up.<\/p>\n<p>\u201cI\u2019ll get it; go back to sleep,\u201d Adam\u2019s whisper reached his ears, and he closed his eyes again as he heard Adam\u2019s bare feet padding to the door. Adam slipped out, and Joe heard low voices outside. Now what did Adam have going on that was so dad-blasted private\u2026and so dad-blasted important\u2026as to wake someone up in the middle of the night?<\/p>\n<p>An unfamiliar voice in the hall said \u201c\u2026deputy\u2026\u201d and Joe wondered if Adam was under arrest.<\/p>\n<p>\u201c\u2026identification\u2026no\u2014my brother\u2026\u201d Adam\u2019s low voice became even lower.<\/p>\n<p>\u201cWell, he\u2019s put away right now. As I understand it I need \u2019em both, though, and a third\u2026.\u201d<\/p>\n<p>\u201cNo\u2026he\u2019s\u2026.\u201d<\/p>\n<p>\u201cAnd you\u2019re sure it\u2019s outright murder? The telegram wasn\u2019t\u2026.\u201d<\/p>\n<p>Adam\u2019s voice could barely be heard \u201c\u2026shot\u2026disemboweled\u2026\u201d<\/p>\n<p>\u201cWell, I\u2019ve got a posse out there. You come around in the mornin\u2019.\u201d<\/p>\n<p>\u201cAll right.\u201d Adam said something else, but it was too soft to hear, and then he stumbled back in.<\/p>\n<p>\u201cWhat was that about?\u201d Joe covered a yawn.<\/p>\n<p>\u201cNothin\u2019 important. Go back to sleep.\u201d<\/p>\n<p>Joe did\u2026for an hour or so. But other calls were too urgent to be denied, so he awoke on his own the next time. As he put the chamber pot away, the other \u201ccall\u201d came back to him, and he found himself fully awake, wondering what it had been about.<\/p>\n<p>\u201cAdam. Adam, wake up.\u201d<\/p>\n<p>\u201cHmmm?\u201d<\/p>\n<p>\u201cWho was at the door?\u201d<\/p>\n<p>Adam sounded drunk, groggy. \u201cUh\u2026sheriff\u2019s deputy.\u201d<\/p>\n<p>\u201cWhat\u2019d he want?\u201d<\/p>\n<p>\u201cI dunno. Wrong door.\u201d<\/p>\n<p>\u201cThat was a long conversation for a wrong door.\u201d<\/p>\n<p>\u201cJoe, for once\u2026in your life\u2026lemme sleep.\u201d<\/p>\n<p>Joe thought a while longer. <em>Shot and disemboweled. <\/em>Adam had said that; what did he mean?<\/p>\n<p>He put his trousers and shirt on, and pulled on his boots, mentally reviewing the little snatches of conversation he had heard and trying to put them together with the last four months. Certainly Adam hadn\u2019t witnessed any shootings or disembowelings since they had left the Ponderosa in April. So who\u2026.<\/p>\n<p>A tendril of fear like ice-cold water suddenly ran down his spine. He couldn\u2019t remember; had never really paid attention. Adam was supposed to have gone out to check on Alice that day, wasn\u2019t he?<\/p>\n<p>\u201cAdam, wake up and tell me what three men the sheriff\u2019s looking for.\u201d<\/p>\n<p>\u201cTwo,\u201d Adam mumbled. \u201cThe other\u2019s\u2026.\u201d<\/p>\n<p>\u201cThe other\u2019s what?\u201d His confusion was rapidly congealing into something else: something ugly and suspicious and implacable.<\/p>\n<p>The silence across the small room was not one of peaceful sleep\u2014it was the silence of a man suddenly wide awake, knowing he\u2019d said too much.<\/p>\n<p>The bed creaked as Adam sat up. \u201cLook, Joe. It was\u2014\u201d<\/p>\n<p>\u201cIt was Alice,\u201d Joe said breathlessly. Something was crushing his chest: he felt paralyzed, and he wondered if he was dying.<\/p>\n<p>\u201cJoe, I\u2014\u201d Adam stood up then. His voice had gone to that flat monotone he always used when he was desperate but not about to let anyone else know. \u201cYes. Alice and John were murdered.\u201d<\/p>\n<p>\u201cBy\u2026?\u201d<\/p>\n<p>\u201cA man John owed money to. His name\u2019s Damion.\u201d<\/p>\n<p>\u201cAnd who was arrested?\u201d <em>I am calm\u2026I am calm. All those years Adam and Pa told me to be calm, to be patient, and now, when I\u2019m finding out the one person I thought I could trust with my life is a liar, I\u2019m perfectly, icy calm.<\/em><\/p>\n<p>Adam sighed. \u201cDamion. They couldn\u2019t find the other one.\u201d<\/p>\n<p>\u201cAnd when did you plan to tell me this? At the trial?\u201d<\/p>\n<p>\u201cOnce we had them both in custody, Joe. I was going to tell you. I didn\u2019t want to keep it from you, but I didn\u2019t know who the murderers were until yesterday.\u201d<\/p>\n<p>\u201cBut\u2026how did you know any of this?\u201d<\/p>\n<p>Adam lit the lamp on the stand between their beds, and gestured for Joe to sit down.<\/p>\n<p><em>Funny how civilized he is\u2026every time we\u2019re in town he wears that faded old red and white nightshirt<\/em>, Joe thought as he sat down. <em>Well, we\u2019re civilized men. Sure, I can wait for him to tell me whatever it is. If he didn\u2019t know until yesterday, then he wasn\u2019t lying to me. Maybe he was just suspicious, and went to Roy. Maybe he\u2019s been waiting for Roy to get in touch with him.<\/em><\/p>\n<p>His civilized composure evaporated at Adam\u2019s next words.<\/p>\n<p>\u201cI knew because I found them, Joe.\u201d<\/p>\n<p>\u201cWhat?\u201d<\/p>\n<p>\u201cAlice and John. I found them. I told Roy; gave him descriptions of the men I\u2019d seen leaving the house. Lady attacked one of the men; that\u2019s how she died. The others got away, but one\u2019s back in Virginia City watching the Ponderosa. As soon as I got names I wired Roy and had him contact the sheriff here, and\u2026\u201d<\/p>\n<p>\u201cYou\u2026found\u2026Alice? But then why didn\u2019t you put out the fire? Or get her out of it?\u201d<\/p>\n<p>\u201cI\u2026it wouldn\u2019t have mattered, Joe; they were both dead.\u201d<\/p>\n<p>\u201cBut how could you be sure?\u201d<\/p>\n<p>\u201cThey just were, dammit!\u201d<\/p>\n<p>Joe leaped up to grab Adam by the collar of the old nightshirt. \u201cBut I could at least have buried her properly! If you had put out the fire\u2014\u201d<\/p>\n<p>\u201cThere was no fire!\u201d Adam burst out. \u201cI set the damned fire!\u201d<\/p>\n<p>That was the last thing Joe heard clearly; his former calm had exploded into red-hot rage, and he backhanded Adam across the mouth. \u201cLiar!\u201d he yelled as he hit him again. It never dawned on him that Adam had not raised his hands to defend himself; he minimally registered his fist glancing off Adam\u2019s temple, and then he was running from the room, hearing behind him the cheap wooden nightstand splintering, the glass in the lamp shattering, and the dull thud of a body hitting the floor.<\/p>\n<p><strong>Chapter 56<\/strong><\/p>\n<p><strong><em>August, 1875<\/em><\/strong><\/p>\n<p>\u201cBen\u2014are you all right?\u201d Tilly had never seen such a look on her father-in-law\u2019s face before; not the day he\u2019d brought Audun home from his w\u00e1yakin quest, not even the day she and Adam had returned from their long exile and Adam had collapsed.<\/p>\n<p>\u201cDo you know where Audun is?\u201d<\/p>\n<p>\u201cYes, but\u2014\u201d<\/p>\n<p>\u201cFind him and get back to the wagon immediately. I left it in front of the jail. Roy will take you and Audun home.\u201d<\/p>\n<p>\u201cBut what\u2019s wrong?\u201d<\/p>\n<p>\u201cNothing. I have to see Beth.\u201d<\/p>\n<p>\u201cBen Cartwright, we\u2019ve been on speaking terms for less than a month. Talk to me!\u201d<\/p>\n<p>\u201cWhy are women incapable of trusting men who only want to take care of them?\u201d<\/p>\n<p>\u201cWhy are men incapable of letting women know about unpleasantness? It\u2019s over-protectiveness that caused all of this mess.\u201d<\/p>\n<p>\u201cNot all. Mathilde Cartwright, if you don\u2019t want me to take you over my knee, you will take my grandson and get him to safety right now. Roy will explain it all to you. Right now I have to see Beth, and she probably won\u2019t want me to take care of her any more than you do!\u201d<\/p>\n<p>Without another word he pushed past her and strode off in the direction of Cameron\u2019s General Store\u2014and as Tilly looked after him, he removed the Colt from its holster and checked each chamber in the cylinder.<\/p>\n<p>The wagon was where Ben had said it would be\u2014and Audun was already sitting there, with a red splotch across one side of his face.<\/p>\n<p>\u201cWhat on earth happened?\u201d Tilly demanded as she took his chin and turned his face to look more closely at the mark.<\/p>\n<p>\u201cNothing. It\u2019s of no consequence.\u201d He yanked his head away from her.<\/p>\n<p>\u201cNo consequence, my eye! Who hit you?\u201d<\/p>\n<p>He glared sullenly at her. \u201cI will not tell you.\u201d<\/p>\n<p>\u201cAudun\u2014\u201d<\/p>\n<p>He looked significantly at her. \u201cI was rude to a Soyapo, that\u2019s all. I am a man now. I handle my own affairs.\u201d<\/p>\n<p>\u201cWas it that preacher? I\u2019ll\u2014\u201d<\/p>\n<p>Audun looked straight ahead. \u201cYou will do nothing. If you accuse him without proof, the whole town will know, and you\u2019ll humiliate the Cartwright family. If you accuse him falsely, the whole town will know, and you\u2019ll humiliate yourself. If you accuse him and it\u2019s true, the whole town will know, and you\u2019ll humiliate your church. I will not say who it was. I am a man now, and I need no women to fight my battles\u2014not even my mother.\u201d<\/p>\n<p>It was at that moment that Roy trotted up on his bay gelding, along with two deputies. \u201cHowdy, Miz Cartwright. Howdy, Audun. We\u2019ll be seein\u2019 you-ins home. Can one of you drive this wagon?\u201d<\/p>\n<p>\u201cOf course,\u201d Tilly said indignantly. \u201cWe both can. But I\u2019m not prepared to move until somebody tells me something!\u201d<\/p>\n<p>Roy gave her a reproachful look. \u201cYou want to hear it in the middle of the street where everybody else can hear it too, and I\u2019ll have to repeat it all to Hoss when I get you home anyway, or do you wanna be a sensible lady?\u201d<\/p>\n<p>Tilly\u2019s ears fairly smoked. She glowered at Audun. \u201cYou heard the sheriff\u2014boy. Drive.\u201d<\/p>\n<p style=\"text-align: center;\">**<\/p>\n<p>It was a short walk to the store, but to Ben, trudging up C Street, it felt like miles through the desert. He hadn\u2019t seen Beth in two months. Right now he wondered why he\u2019d followed Audun\u2019s advice in the first place\u2014marital counseling from a twelve-year-old?\u2014except that at the time, it had seemed to make sense. After all, Beth was clearly wrong.<\/p>\n<p>None of his other wives had given him this much trouble; not even Marie had dared publicly separate after any of her little temper tantrums. But Beth had her own place in town, and her own source of income. She\u2019d been a respected, well-off widow when he married her, the only wife who hadn\u2019t been \u201crescued\u201d from something or other, and more independent than the other three put together. She\u2019d never liked Adam at all, though it hadn\u2019t seemed to matter back in those days, since when he\u2019d married her he had thought Adam was dead. Now that he thought about it, most of the disagreements they had had since Adam\u2019s return seemed to center around Adam\u2014and sometimes he wondered if she took some perverse delight in tormenting him with Adam, as if Adam didn\u2019t torment him enough.<\/p>\n<p>He turned his head at the sound of his name, but it wasn\u2019t someone calling him. He looked around to hear the singsong voices of a bunch of children, and saw them up the street a little way\u2014a group of children playing jump-rope, singing a song\u2026and they had given him a new form of immortality.<\/p>\n<p><em>Cartwright, Cartwright, cattle eater<\/em><\/p>\n<p><em>Had a wife and couldn\u2019t keep her.<\/em><\/p>\n<p><em>One lived to leave, but I heard tell<\/em><\/p>\n<p><em>The other three have gone to hell.<\/em><\/p>\n<p>Ben almost groaned aloud. Another time he might have rounded up the children and taken them to their parents for a lesson in manners, but some distasteful things were more important than other distasteful things.<\/p>\n<p>\u201cOh, hi, Mr. Cartwright,\u201d called Miranda, one of the girls Beth employed for clerking. Beth made a point of employing young women\u2014teaching them to take care of themselves, she had told him. At the time he had applauded; now he wished Beth would be a little less independent; then he could keep her at home where he could look after her. \u201cHaven\u2019t seen you in a coon\u2019s age.\u201d<\/p>\n<p>\u201cTrue, Miranda\u2014is Mrs. Cartwright around?\u201d<\/p>\n<p>\u201cShe\u2019s in the warehouse lookin\u2019 at a new delivery. You can go on back if you like, sir.\u201d<\/p>\n<p>\u201cThanks.\u201d<\/p>\n<p>It wasn\u2019t a warehouse, not really\u2014just a big empty room that periodically filled up with wooden crates, then emptied out again. Beth was there with a pencil and an account book, looking at the numbers on a crate. She hadn\u2019t heard him come in, and she jumped when he called her.<\/p>\n<p>\u201cBen, you gave me a start,\u201d she said in a flat tone of voice that he had learned the hard way meant she was still mad.<\/p>\n<p>\u201cSorry. I needed to talk to you.\u201d<\/p>\n<p>\u201cHmph. You\u2019ve been giving your business to Tinker John and VC Dry Goods the last two months, and suddenly you need to talk to me? I\u2019m busy. Make an appointment with Miranda.\u201d<\/p>\n<p>He took her elbow before she could flounce away, but dropped it at her look. \u201cPlease. It\u2019s important, Beth\u2014life or death important.\u201d<\/p>\n<p>She raised a dubious eyebrow and frowned.<\/p>\n<p>Ben went on quickly: \u201cI\u2019ve just learned that Alice was murdered\u2014and that one of the murderers may be in Virginia City, watching us.\u201d<\/p>\n<p>He could see her taking in the information, but somehow she didn\u2019t seem surprised. \u201cIs Adam back in town?\u201d<\/p>\n<p>\u201cWhat\u2026what does Adam\u2014what do you mean?\u201d<\/p>\n<p>\u201cI mean Adam came home the day of the fire all covered with blood and smelling of smoke. Tilly and I were the only ones home; she didn\u2019t seem to notice, but I did. Adam was at the house that day, wasn\u2019t he?\u201d<\/p>\n<p>\u201cYes,\u201d he replied unwillingly, and then looked her in the eye. \u201cWhat of it?\u201d<\/p>\n<p>\u201cI never knew just what his involvement was, but it didn\u2019t seem to matter to you, since every time I tried to bring it up you didn\u2019t want to talk about it; Adam was someone for you to worry about, but not me.\u201d<\/p>\n<p>\u201cAdam is my son, and yes, I worry about him. We don\u2019t have time to stand here arguing, though. Adam has sent word that we\u2019re being watched by at least one\u2014maybe more\u2014of Alice\u2019s killers. I want to get us all back to the ranch where we\u2019ll be safe.\u201d<\/p>\n<p>\u201cI have no intention of going to the ranch\u2014or anywhere else\u2014with you. I\u2019m staying in town. You go on home. I can take care of myself just fine. I did for a whole decade, you know.\u201d<\/p>\n<p>\u201cI know, Beth,\u201d he said softly. \u201cIt\u2019s one of the many things I\u2019ve always admired about you\u2026but the problem is, since we\u2026the town\u2026got rid of Farmer Perkins and Sam Bryant, you haven\u2019t had to worry about murderers coming after you.\u201d<\/p>\n<p>\u201cAnd why would I worry about murderers now?\u201d<\/p>\n<p>\u201cBecause they\u2019re after our entire family\u2014and you\u2019ve become part of that family. Someone is out to hurt Joe, and the best way to do it is by hurting the people Joe cares about.\u201d<\/p>\n<p>\u201cWell, I expect I\u2019m safe enough, then. Joe doesn\u2019t care beans for me. You know it.\u201d<\/p>\n<p>\u201cI\u2019m not going to stand here arguing with you, Beth. Not now. The point is that they know we\u2019re a family. They know you\u2019re a part of the family\u2014and that makes you a target. We have to stick together on this or we\u2019ll be picked off one at a time. Look, if we leave now we can catch up to Roy and his deputies. They\u2019re escorting Tilly and Audun back to the ranch and I\u2019d feel a lot safer if we were all together.\u201d<\/p>\n<p>\u201cI\u2019m not going, Ben. No murderer in his right mind is going to attack me in my own store, and I really don\u2019t want to be included in a family that I don\u2019t feel a part of, anyway. I\u2019ll tell you what\u2014I\u2019ll put a sign on my door saying \u2018Attention, murderers: I am no longer a Cartwright.\u2019 How about that?\u201d<\/p>\n<p>\u201cAll right,\u201d Ben replied calmly. \u201cIf you won\u2019t go with me, I\u2019ll stay with you.\u201d<\/p>\n<p>\u201cWhy? You have at least one son and three grandchildren at the ranch. I don\u2019t need you here.\u201d<\/p>\n<p>\u201cYou\u2019re my wife. No matter what you say, I\u2019m staying with you.\u201d<\/p>\n<p>Beth made a little huffing noise. \u201cFine. There\u2019s a wagon out back; you can help unload.\u201d<\/p>\n<p><strong>Chapter 57<\/strong><\/p>\n<p><strong><em>August, 1875<\/em><\/strong><\/p>\n<p>Roy finished his story and rocked back and forth on his heels for a moment. Watching him, Tilly wondered if he was thinking of running out before the shocked silence changed to a chaos of questions.<\/p>\n<p>But the chaos did not come. Hoss, who had raised the mere act of looking distracted to an art these days, looked paler than before. He nodded, reaching down to pet Honey and Gumbo, who sat flanking him. \u201cA lot of things fit together now that didn\u2019t,\u201d he observed. \u201cGuess if I hadn\u2019t been so wrapped up in my own troubles, I woulda seen it afore.\u201d<\/p>\n<p>Audun said nothing, but stared intently at the floor, where Duke, Ceirdwyn and Bruce were sprawled sleeping. As Tilly watched, he slid off his chair and joined them on the floor, pulling Duke across his lap and ruffling his ears. <em>Adam used to do the same thing to Lady when he was feeling troubled<\/em>.<\/p>\n<p>Her mind was still split\u2014part of it was reeling in shock from the tale Roy had spun, the other part observing and recording the day-to-day bits of information like Hop Sing bustling about in the kitchen and bringing out coffee. She had no doubt he had heard everything Roy had said, and he was probably in shock as well, but of course, he wouldn\u2019t show it\u2026he had neither the luxury nor, as he had reminded her, the right.<\/p>\n<p>She still hadn\u2019t found her voice; she was remembering the day Adam had come in, covered with blood not his own, and for some odd reason she\u2019d never registered, smelling like smoke. Now she knew why. Now she knew how Lady had died\u2014and that as bad as that must have been, it hadn\u2019t been the worst thing that had happened that day. Although Roy had tried not to tell much of what Adam had found in Joe\u2019s house, Audun had looked up sharply and demanded, \u201cIf he didn\u2019t take a pulse, how could he be certain both of them were dead?\u201d And Roy had hemmed and hawed a bit and mumbled that according to Adam, John Harper had a hole clean through his heart, and that Alice had been \u201ccut up pretty bad with a knife.\u201d<\/p>\n<p>\u201cWhen will you talk to Will Cartwright?\u201d Audun asked suddenly.<\/p>\n<p>\u201cI\u2019ll stay here tonight, Hoss, if y\u2019all don\u2019t mind, and I\u2019ll ride over and see Will in the morning. I sent Clem out there tonight with orders to keep watch, but I want to give Will the particulars.\u201d<\/p>\n<p>\u201cThat\u2019s fine,\u201d Hoss said.<\/p>\n<p>\u201cIt is not fine,\u201d Audun spoke up again. \u201cWill went out of town two days ago\u2014Peggy told me. That means his family is in as much danger as ours\u2014perhaps more\u2014and Clem is no match for these men.\u201d<\/p>\n<p>Roy looked thoughtful, but did not reply.<\/p>\n<p>Hoss stood. \u201cI\u2019ll go out to the bunkhouse and talk to the fellers. I\u2019m postin\u2019 a guard on the house from now on. And listen up, Tilly and Audun\u2014an\u2019 Hop Sing, I know yer eavesdroppin\u2019, so you listen too: from now on we ain\u2019t leavin\u2019 the house but in pairs, and we go armed, all of us. Tilly, can you shoot?\u201d<\/p>\n<p>\u201cI\u2019m pretty good with a rifle. I\u2019ve never used a pistol.\u201d<\/p>\n<p>\u201cThen you\u2019ll carry a rifle.\u201d<\/p>\n<p>\u201cBut Will\u2019s family\u2014\u201d Audun said.<\/p>\n<p>Roy smiled down at him. \u201cI\u2019ve always admired your spunk, son, but don\u2019t worry\u2014I\u2019ll handle ever\u2019thing.\u201d<\/p>\n<p>Audun turned his gaze downward again, and said no more, but Tilly saw his jaw harden in an Adam-like stubbornness, and she resolved to keep a close eye on him.<\/p>\n<p style=\"text-align: center;\">**<\/p>\n<p>One of Audun\u2019s chores was feeding the dogs. Since Bruce, Honey, and Gumbo were staying at the Ponderosa house, along with Duke and Ceirdwyn, who lived there, a lot of food was needed. When the leftovers were sufficient, Audun divided them in pans among the dogs; on the days there were not enough leftovers, he would kill a chicken and split it among them. Throughout the day, when the five were not doing their regular jobs (Ceirdwyn collected the eggs with Hop Sing; Bruce, Honey and Gumbo worked with the hands whenever necessary for the cattle, and Duke watched the babies or trained with Mutton Jim), they hunted toads and lizards, both for the fun of it and to supplement the food the humans provided.<\/p>\n<p>That night Tilly noticed Audun was taking his time feeding the dogs, and she moved quickly to the back porch. Audun was sitting motionless on the step, watching Duke, Ceirdwyn and Bruce lope away. Honey and Gumbo sat flanking him, disappointment making their long faces even longer.<\/p>\n<p>\u201cWhat did you do?\u201d Tilly asked, and Audun turned to look up at her.<\/p>\n<p>\u201cI told them to go get Peggy. Duke is carrying a note warning her to stay inside, and to keep the dogs with her until tomorrow.\u201d<\/p>\n<p>\u201cI hope Laura doesn\u2019t panic.\u201d<\/p>\n<p>Audun snickered. \u201cI also told Peggy not to tell her mother. I guess you\u2019ve noticed the lady is not very smart.\u201d<\/p>\n<p>\u201cShe\u2019s smart enough. But she\u2019s something else. Maybe an alienist would have a word for it, but I don\u2019t know what it is. Anyway, does this mean you\u2019re going to follow instructions and stay here, since I\u2019m sure the dogs will take care of Peggy and family?\u201d<\/p>\n<p>Audun shrugged. \u201cI suppose I will. But only because you asked, and not because of Sheriff Coffee. He is a good man, but sometimes he puts his faith in the wrong people. Are you as distressed as you look, Mother? I meant it when I said I wouldn\u2019t go.\u201d<\/p>\n<p>\u201cJust worried about your father.\u201d She managed to sound calm.<\/p>\n<p>\u201cHuh. Much is now explained about his behavior before he left.\u201d He rose to his feet with that effortless air she admired, and she restrained herself from hugging him, settling for a pat on the arm.<\/p>\n<p>\u201cThanks for not giving me anything else to worry about,\u201d she said.<\/p>\n<p>\u201cI told Grandfather I had caused enough trouble for a while, and I have given you my word. But Peggy is my cousin, and I like her. She needs to be protected from these men. It\u2019s not right, staying here and asking the dogs to do my job. Just as I should have been here the day you nearly died.\u201d<\/p>\n<p>\u201cIt\u2019s not your job to take care of me\u2014it was my job to take care of myself, and I didn\u2019t do it. And it\u2019s not your job to take care of your cousin. That\u2019s your father\u2019s thinking getting to you\u2014he thinks <em>everything<\/em> is his job, including taking care of Little Joe. That\u2019s another reason why he left.\u201d<\/p>\n<p>\u201cIf you\u2019d told him you were pregnant, he might not have gone.\u201d<\/p>\n<p>\u201cThat\u2019s what Beth said. But I don\u2019t think you understand Adam as well as you think. Yes, he probably would\u2019ve stayed\u2014and it would have made things between him and me even worse, because he would\u2019ve resented me coming between him and his brother.\u201d<\/p>\n<p>Audun considered this and then reached down to the nearest dog, stroking her head. \u201cSoyapo are funny people, and Cartwrights, stranger still\u2026\u201d he sighed. \u201cI am both Soyapo and Cartwright, and yet I\u2019ll never understand them.\u201d<\/p>\n<p>&nbsp;<\/p>\n<p><strong>Chapter 58<\/strong><\/p>\n<p><strong><em>August, 1875<\/em><\/strong><\/p>\n<p>He felt as if he was swimming through cotton, but his desperation to surface did not affect things one bit. His head felt as if it was ripping itself apart, and when he finally managed to open his eyes it hurt more; the nauseous feeling hovering at the edge of his consciousness increased as well.<\/p>\n<p>So did the feeling of d\u00e9j\u00e0 vu. How many years had it been since he\u2019d awakened in a wash of pain and sickness, his head pounding, vision blurred\u2026only then Joe\u2026yes, Joe had been sitting in a chair by the bed, masking his concern by reading some silly dime novel and joking about taking bets on just how long Adam would sleep.<\/p>\n<p>When had that happened? He remembered it like yesterday\u2014better, in fact, for he had no idea if he\u2019d even been conscious yesterday. How long had he been here, anyway? No, that other time was far clearer in his memory\u2026Lady had saved his life, but Beauty had died. Joe and Tilly had found him and brought him home, and then taken shifts watching over him. Now Lady was dead, there was no one to bring him home\u2026no Tilly to greet him if he ever made it back\u2026and certainly there was no Joe lurking nearby. He and Joe had argued, he remembered that much, but as to what had happened next, he could only guess.<\/p>\n<p>\u201cWell, you\u2019re awake,\u201d said an unfamiliar voice. \u201cAbout time, I must say.\u201d<\/p>\n<p>He looked at the blurry features and found his voice\u2014such as it was. \u201cYou a doctor?\u201d<\/p>\n<p>\u201cThis town\u2019s had one doctor the last five years, and he went off to San Francisco for a medical convention and never bothered to come back. I\u2019m the closest thing we\u2019ve got to a doctor nowadays. I\u2019m a veterinarian.\u201d<\/p>\n<p><em>Sounds like my luck is holding steady<\/em>, he thought but didn\u2019t have the energy to say. He settled for mumbling, \u201cWha\u2026happen ta me?\u201d<\/p>\n<p>\u201cOh, that there\u2019s another story. Let me go get Sheriff Long, and he can tell you all about it. Then maybe you can tell him a few things, too, since there\u2019s a lot of confusing tales going \u2019round.\u201d<\/p>\n<p>Before he could ask what that meant, the doctor\u2014veterinarian\u2014was gone. Adam sighed and dozed off again.<\/p>\n<p>Someone was shaking his shoulder. He mumbled irritably and woke again. It was the sheriff; he remembered him dimly from the night he and Joe had quarreled.<\/p>\n<p>\u201cMr. Cartwright\u2026we need to talk.\u201d<\/p>\n<p>With difficulty, Adam focused on him. \u201cHow long was I\u2026out?\u201d<\/p>\n<p>The veterinarian put in, \u201cYou\u2019ve been drifting in and out of consciousness just over two weeks. Didn\u2019t think you\u2019d make it for the first few days. And today\u2019s the first time you\u2019ve stayed awake more than a minute.\u201d<\/p>\n<p>\u201cWhere\u2019s my\u2026my brother?\u201d<\/p>\n<p>\u201cJoseph Cartwright is in jail,\u201d Sheriff Long said impatiently.<\/p>\n<p>\u201cWhy?\u201d<\/p>\n<p>\u201cAside from putting you into a coma and setting the hotel afire, no reason at all,\u201d the sheriff shrugged. \u201cI came here to talk to you, Mr. Cartwright. Do you want to press charges?\u201d<\/p>\n<p>\u201cAgainst who?\u201d<\/p>\n<p>\u201cAgainst Joseph Cartwright. He\u2019s already been charged with arson by the hotel. If you want to\u2026\u201d<\/p>\n<p>With great difficulty, Adam raised one hand. \u201cDon\u2019t be ridiculous. Joe\u2026was upset. With cause.\u201d<\/p>\n<p>\u201cWhat kind of cause? I haven\u2019t been able to get a word out of him.<\/p>\n<p>\u201cLook, he didn\u2019t mean to hurt me. And\u2026I\u2019m damn sure he didn\u2019t mean to set the hotel afire.\u201d<\/p>\n<p>\u201cDoesn\u2019t really matter, does it? It burned just as hot. And you nearly died. Not to mention he\u2019s hardly been a model prisoner in my jail. The first day he went after Damion himself.\u201d<\/p>\n<p>\u201cWhat happened to Damion?\u201d<\/p>\n<p>\u201cAside from a sore jaw and a broke nose, not much. I\u2019ve had to keep Cartwright in an isolation cell ever since, though, since he and Damion didn\u2019t seem to get along.\u201d<\/p>\n<p>\u201cHell\u2019s bells!\u201d Adam shouted, then grabbed his bandaged head to keep it from busting wide open. Finally, he went on, \u201cHow d\u2019you think you\u2019d get along with the fellow who murdered your wife?\u201d<\/p>\n<p>Long took a deep breath. \u201cPoint taken, Mr. Cartwright. Anyhow, Sheriff Coffee started extradition proceedings against Damion. Everything got approved yesterday, after the doc here said you\u2019d probably live. You\u2019re the only witness, you know\u2014so if you kicked off, Damion would\u2019ve gone free. This morning four of my deputies left, escorting Damion\u2026they should be met at the border by Coffee\u2019s deputies.\u201d<\/p>\n<p>\u201cAnd then what?\u201d<\/p>\n<p>\u201cI imagine it\u2019s up to the state of Nevada, after that. Unless you die, of course.\u201d<\/p>\n<p>\u201cAnd Joe?\u201d<\/p>\n<p>\u201cThe hotel has asked for two thousand dollars for damages. Three rooms and a lot of furniture were destroyed, you know. If your brother can come up with the money\u2014\u201d<\/p>\n<p>\u201cI\u2019ll pay for it. I have money. Or at least I had some. Did my clothes burn up?\u201d<\/p>\n<p>\u201cYeah, sorry. Whoever dragged you out didn\u2019t think about clothes. But your saddlebags made it.\u201d<\/p>\n<p>\u201cFine\u2026the cash was in my saddlebags anyway. Take what\u2019s there and wire Virginia City for the rest. I\u2019ll pay hotel costs and Joe\u2019s bail. There\u2019s no charges from me. Find out how much the hotel wants to drop charges on Joe and I\u2019ll pay that too\u2026he hit me and I\u2019m pretty sure I\u2019m the one that hit the lamp and started the fire. Tell me, was the room adjacent to ours on the east damaged?\u201d<\/p>\n<p>\u201cNo\u2014that\u2019s where Damion was staying, though. Or did you already know that?\u201d<\/p>\n<p>\u201cI suspected. Did you search the room?\u201d<\/p>\n<p>\u201cYep\u2014didn\u2019t find nothin\u2019 but a big old music box, though.\u201d<\/p>\n<p>\u201cThat\u2019s evidence, if it\u2019s the music box I think it is. About this size\u2014\u201d he showed the dimensions with his hands\u2014\u201cdark brown with several jewels in the center. It played Schubert\u2019s <em>Serenade<\/em>.\u201d<\/p>\n<p>\u201cAll right\u2014like I\u2019d know it if I heard it\u2014\u201d<\/p>\n<p>\u201cI\u2019ll hum a few bars,\u201d Adam said. \u201cOnce you\u2019ve identified it, can you ship it back to the Ponderosa? It\u2019s the only concrete evidence there is tying Damion to the house.\u201d<\/p>\n<p>\u201cYep\u2014there\u2019s a stage goin\u2019 to Virginia City in the morning. I can send it to Roy Coffee. He\u2019ll need it for the court case before it goes back to your home.\u201d<\/p>\n<p>\u201cPerfect. Joe and I will follow right behind.\u201d<\/p>\n<p>\u201cHardly. It\u2019s going to take time before you\u2019re ready to ride again. I\u2019d suggest you take the stage back home\u2014and wait at least two more weeks. You\u2019re in no shape to ride now.\u201d<\/p>\n<p>\u201cYeah,\u201d Adam said. \u201cWhatever you want; just let me go back to sleep now.\u201d<\/p>\n<p><strong>Chapter 59<\/strong><\/p>\n<p><strong><em>August, 1875<\/em><\/strong><\/p>\n<p>\u201cYou sure he\u2019s your brother?\u201d Sheriff Long asked as Joe Cartwright gave Adam a look that carried icicles of loathing.<\/p>\n<p>\u201cThat\u2019s him,\u201d Adam said.<\/p>\n<p>\u201cAin\u2019t too friendly.\u201d<\/p>\n<p>Adam snorted. \u201cOughtta see him on his bad days.\u201d<\/p>\n<p>Long\u2019s eyebrows climbed a little, then restored themselves as he jerked his head toward the desk. \u201cThat paper you signed means he\u2019s your responsibility till you get him back to Virginia City. Anything else he busts up, sets fire to, that sorta thing, you pay for. I just need to know you both understand that.\u201d<\/p>\n<p>\u201cI got it,\u201d Joe snapped. \u201cLet\u2019s go.\u201d<\/p>\n<p>Adam looked at him mildly. \u201cConsidering I just got vertical after you knocked me flat for two and a half weeks, do you think you can contain your enthusiasm until I can haul my tired\u2014\u201d<\/p>\n<p>\u201cI\u2019ll haul it for you.\u201d Joe punched his left hand into his right. \u201cIf that guy\u2019s already in Virginia City, I want to get back there fast.\u201d<\/p>\n<p>\u201cWhat\u2019s your hurry? They can\u2019t start the trial without me.\u201d<\/p>\n<p>\u201cYeah, and that\u2019s the only reason I\u2019m makin\u2019 sure you get there alive.\u201d<\/p>\n<p>Long eyeballed Joe for an eerie moment. \u201cSon, I\u2019d hate to carry you back in there so soon after lettin\u2019 you out, but you threaten anybody else within my hearing and I\u2019ll do so.\u201d<\/p>\n<p>\u201cI didn\u2019t threaten anyone. In fact, I promised he\u2019d get home alive.\u201d<\/p>\n<p>\u201cSheriff, how long ago did your deputies get back from Nevada?\u201d Adam put in quickly.<\/p>\n<p>\u201cYesterday.\u201d<\/p>\n<p>\u201cAnd the prisoner didn\u2019t give them any trouble?\u201d<\/p>\n<p>\u201cNone that they reported.\u201d<\/p>\n<p>\u201cAnd have you heard from Roy Coffee about our family?\u201d<\/p>\n<p>\u201cNot a peep. But I figure if anything had happened, he\u2019d\u2019ve wired, so maybe no news really is good news. And since the main troublemaker\u2014\u201d Joe sent a murderous glance Long\u2019s way, but it seemed to bounce off him\u2014\u201cis in custody of Genoa\u2019s deputies, doesn\u2019t seem to me like there\u2019s much to worry about.\u201d<\/p>\n<p>\u201cGenoa? I thought Roy was sending out deputies.\u201d<\/p>\n<p>\u201cYeah, me too.\u201d Long rolled his eyes. \u201cHowever, Sheriff Peabody over t\u2019Genoa is one to prize his jurisdiction. He wired me that he wouldn\u2019t let Coffee\u2019s deputies escort anybody through his territory, so he was sending out his own men. I imagine they\u2019ve met up with Coffee\u2019s fellers at the county line by now, though, unless the sheriff over in Carson City wants to be a landlord about it, too; I think there might be one road running through his territory, after all.\u201d<\/p>\n<p>\u201cUh-oh.\u201d Adam risked a glance at Joe, who was still looking sullenly at the floor. \u201cAll right, forget the stagecoach. We\u2019re riding back, and fast.\u201d<\/p>\n<p>\u201cYou\u2019re in no shape to ride, and I don\u2019t think there\u2019s anything to worry about,\u201d Long protested. \u201cDamion\u2019s still in pain from his nose and jaw, and Hanley\u2019s probably lost without someone telling him what to do. From what I\u2019ve heard, he\u2019s a mute, and not too smart, either, so he\u2019s not likely to come to the rescue.\u201d<\/p>\n<p>\u201cHow many deputies did Genoa send out?\u201d<\/p>\n<p>\u201cTwo.\u201d<\/p>\n<p>\u201cThere\u2019s trouble,\u201d Adam said. \u201cJoe, we\u2019d better get going.\u201d<\/p>\n<p>**<\/p>\n<p>Adam still felt shaky and occasionally saw things floating through his eyeballs that weren\u2019t really there, but he was damned if he\u2019d admit it to his brother. Joe was still not speaking to him, which made for a silent day and a half ride to the border. The following morning, barely an hour into Nevada, they smelled trouble even before Adam\u2019s sudden gasp. He halted Sport to an impatient dance in place; Joe saw it, too, then, and stopped Cochise. He looked back at Adam. \u201cThey can\u2019t still be there.\u201d<\/p>\n<p>\u201cMaybe they\u2019re not; maybe they went on to the Ponderosa. But I\u2019m sure this is a message I\u2019m supposed to find.\u201d Adam drew his Colt and nudged Sport ahead. Joe rode alongside with his own weapon drawn. Nothing was said; there were no glances exchanged; having seen the circling buzzards above, they no longer looked up, but around. No matter how bad his expectations, Adam still nearly fell out of his saddle at the sight. It was hard to tell, at first, just how many bodies there were, but the two Genoa Sheriff\u2019s Department badges had been thoughtfully pinned to a nearby scrub brush.<\/p>\n<p>\u201cWhat in God\u2019s name\u2026\u201d Joe\u2019s voice trailed off.<\/p>\n<p>\u201cGod\u2026had nothin\u2019 to do with it,\u201d Adam muttered. He fired a single shot that scattered most of the birds; one of the more aggressive ones tried to ignore him and suffered for it.<\/p>\n<p>\u201cBut\u2026\u201d Joe still couldn\u2019t comprehend what he saw. \u201cEven the Shoshone never\u2026\u201d<\/p>\n<p>\u201cNo,\u201d Adam agreed. \u201cBut the Shoshone are human.\u201d<\/p>\n<p>They buried the body parts and took the badges into Genoa, where Sheriff Peabody came uncomfortably close to charging them with the murders. Placerville\u2019s Sheriff Long had wired him that the Cartwrights were underway, however, and even Peabody was forced to admit\u2014once Genoa\u2019s doctor rode out and exhumed the remains\u2014that the two deputies had been dead more than a week before Adam and Joe ever showed up.<\/p>\n<p>\u201cAdam,\u201d Joe said, his voice uncharacteristically subdued, \u201cwhat they did to those men\u2026was that what they\u2026did to Alice?\u201d<\/p>\n<p>And Adam replied, his own voice sounding like Satan cast out of heaven, \u201cNo.\u201d But the look on his face prevented Joe from asking for clarification.<\/p>\n<p style=\"text-align: center;\">**<\/p>\n<p>A little asking around in Genoa proved that not only had the deputies\u2019 murderers been in town, but they had also stayed at the best hotel and sent a telegram before leaving. \u201cBut the one fellow was a real gentleman,\u201d the desk clerk reported. \u201cAnd his servant didn\u2019t talk, but he seemed real devoted to his boss. They were as nice a pair as we\u2019ve ever had here.\u201d<\/p>\n<p>A few threats from Sheriff Peabody influenced the Western Union employee to produce the log and copies of the sent wires from the days Damion and Hanley had been there. The telegram that caught Adam\u2019s attention was signed by \u201cGeorge Smith\u201d and sent to \u201cJohn Smith,\u201d in Virginia City, saying only, \u201cTwo knaves for three ladies.\u201d<\/p>\n<p><strong>Chapter 60<\/strong><\/p>\n<p><strong><em>August, 1875<\/em><\/strong><\/p>\n<p>The fellow was called John Smith, a newcomer to Virginia City with unspecified business matters at hand but who spent most of his time in the saloons. Today his business took him first to the telegraph office, as it had each day he\u2019d been in town. On this particular day he received a five-word telegram: \u201cTwo knaves for three ladies.\u201d Joking with the clerk about his brother\u2019s gambling problems and enigmatic communiques, he left the office as quickly as he could and sought out another fellow who was currently using the name Bob Jones. After a brief discussion they parted, never to see each other again.<\/p>\n<p>John Smith won the draw\u2014Will Cartwright\u2019s place. It was a small spread fifteen miles from town, and the man of the house\u2014some kin to the powerful family, but not close enough to rate property like theirs\u2014was away on lumber business. Smith\u2019s assignment was to kill the two women bearing the Cartwright surname: Will\u2019s wife Laura, and his daughter Peggy. Peggy was nearly 15; Smith had seen the pair in town before and had also ridden out to look over their house. He decided Peggy would be his first victim. She was as pretty as her mother, but she was smaller and lighter; she didn\u2019t look much like someone who could fight. She was also most likely inexperienced with men, and that made the idea of taking her more fun. He\u2019d hold his knife at her throat to keep her quiet\u2014it had always worked like a charm with other women\u2014and when his pleasure was over, he\u2019d finish by slitting her throat. If he was quiet enough, he\u2019d have time to have a little more fun with the mother before taking the knife to her.<\/p>\n<p>He watched the house from twilight until long after the pale sliver of a moon had risen. No one had gone in or out the front door; no one had come around the back of the house. It was now close upon two in the morning; the house would be asleep.<\/p>\n<p>As he approached the window he knew opened into the girl\u2019s room, he readied his oft-used speech\u2014\u201cKeep quiet, girl. I just wanna have a little fun with you and then I\u2019ll leave, if you\u2019re nice to me\u2026if you\u2019re not nice, both you and your mother are gonna get it\u2026\u201d<\/p>\n<p>The window wasn\u2019t locked. He heard a low vibration as he slithered over the window sill. Then he heard it again; amplified, from multiple directions: growling noises.<\/p>\n<p>He never knew what hit him; he was suddenly being torn apart. His screams brought running footsteps and Peggy Cartwright burst through the door with a lamp in one hand and a crow bar in the other. Laura was right behind her, shrieking for help. That was the last thing he saw before the crowbar glanced off his skull. His shrinking away from the three dogs had also deflected the worst of the blow to his head, so he did not die, but he did lose consciousness for several hours, long enough for what happened next. He woke up lying across the back of his horse, his hands and feet bound, just outside Virginia City\u2019s jail with two burly ranch hands flanking him and the sheriff, holding his head up by the hair to look into his eyes. He wondered briefly what had happened to his cohort Jones, and decided he didn\u2019t care.<\/p>\n<p style=\"text-align: center;\">**<\/p>\n<p>Ben sighed, struggling to find a comfortable sitting position on the lumpy sofa. He had never protested after their marriage when Beth insisted on keeping the little rooms above the store. The alternate residence had come in handy when Beth\u2019s work kept her in town late and he was not around to bring her home; it had also provided a respite when the Ponderosa got too noisy. And with two not-quite-toddlers at the place, along with more dogs than anyone had a right to, the place did get noisy.<\/p>\n<p>But the rooms were not a respite now\u2014they were a reminder. How long had he been away from the Ponderosa, after all\u2014and to swap his ranch for work as a warehouse boy\u2026?<\/p>\n<p>After all, when one worked steadily for days to unload wagon after wagon of goods, and enduring with silent obedience Beth\u2019s barked orders about what materials should be unloaded, in what order, and in what places they should be put, after such time was done, a man was ready for a hot dinner, a hotter bath, a warm bed, and a warmer wife.<\/p>\n<p>He had gotten none of them, on any night. \u201cI\u2019m on a budget when I live in town,\u201d she replied when he suggested sharing a meal. \u201cI have my dinner at midday and the most I ever have for supper is a sandwich.\u201d<\/p>\n<p>The bath was likewise out, because Beth had no intention of going to the bathhouse and he had no intention of leaving her.<\/p>\n<p>And the bed\u2014as well as anything else\u2014was out because no sooner had they reached her rooms above the store each night than she went into her bedroom, slammed the door in his face, and locked it.<\/p>\n<p>It was just as well, he thought. If she\u2019d been friendlier he might have forgotten the reason he was here. It was better to be uncomfortable\u2014that would keep him awake, alert, and ready to protect her. He was still thinking that when he nodded off, his hand slipping from the butt of his gun to the knotty cushion. He was still dozing a few hours later and didn\u2019t hear the click outside as the window lock was disengaged, or the grating noise as the window slid up.<\/p>\n<p>But when the boot heel clunked on the wooden floor, he heard that. He leapt up, turning and drawing his gun at the same time, but his first shot missed, and he didn\u2019t get the chance to fire another; the answering shot from the assailant smashed into his thigh. Ben cried out involuntarily and fell, he and his Colt hit the floor at the same time. The man laughed softly and took his time aiming his second shot.<\/p>\n<p>The bedroom door burst open, and a massive explosion from the twin barrels of a shotgun stopped the laughter and blew the man out the window. Beth Cartwright tossed the shotgun aside and screamed, as shrilly as ever, as she ran to her husband. \u201cBen! Ben, tell me you\u2019re all right!\u201d<\/p>\n<p>\u201cI\u2019m fine,\u201d Ben lied, his voice hoarse. \u201cBeth\u2026I love you.\u201d<\/p>\n<p>\u201cOh God, Ben, not now\u2014you need a doctor!\u201d<\/p>\n<p>\u201cNo. Beth\u2026the boys.\u201d<\/p>\n<p>\u201cI\u2019ll have them sent for.\u201d<\/p>\n<p>\u201cNo\u2014the boys\u2026and you\u2026\u201d<\/p>\n<p>\u201cWhat about them?\u201d she grabbed the cushion from the sofa and held it hard against his thigh. \u201cOh, I know you love them more than me\u2026I didn\u2019t mind, really, I just didn\u2019t\u2014\u201d<\/p>\n<p>\u201cNo, dammit!\u201d Ben roared. \u201cNot more. Just\u2026longer. I\u2019ve loved them longer\u2026but not more. If you hadn\u2019t run away you\u2019d have seen that.\u201d<\/p>\n<p>\u201cI believe you.\u201d she took his hand and put it over the cushion. \u201cKeep the pressure there and don\u2019t you dare pass out on me. I\u2019m going for the doctor.\u201d<\/p>\n<p>He tried to obey, but couldn\u2019t.<\/p>\n<p><strong>Chapter 61<\/strong><\/p>\n<p><strong><em>August, 1875<\/em><\/strong><\/p>\n<p>\u201cBet you never thought you\u2019d hear me say this, Ben,\u201d Tilly said, \u201cbut it sure is good to see you.\u201d<\/p>\n<p>Ben Cartwright grinned. \u201cIt\u2019s good to see you too, daughter. And I know you never thought you\u2019d hear me say that.\u201d<\/p>\n<p>\u201cYou had us worried f\u2019r a while, Pa,\u201d Hoss put in. \u201cBeth said you dang near bled to death.\u201d<\/p>\n<p>\u201cI love the woman, but she can\u2019t help but exaggerate. I also have to admit, Tilly\u2019s cousin took excellent care of me.\u201d<\/p>\n<p>Hoss\u2019s eyebrows went up. \u201cI heard Cousin Charlotte doctored you. How\u2019d that happen? I thought Kam Lee and Paul were back.\u201d<\/p>\n<p>\u201cYes, but Charlotte\u2019s office\u2014and her room above it\u2014is barely fifty yards away, and Beth was in a hurry. She did tell someone on the street, who eventually went to wake up Paul, but by that time Charlotte was already here and had overcome all my protestations. She\u2019s a competent doctor\u2014something else I\u2019m sure you never expected to hear from me\u2014but she has no notion of natural modesty.\u201d<\/p>\n<p>Tilly raised an eyebrow. \u201cWhen natural modesty gets in the way of trying to stop the bleeding, I can hardly blame her.\u201d<\/p>\n<p>\u201cDon\u2019t know if I could let a strange woman look at my nekkid leg,\u201d Hoss mused.<\/p>\n<p>\u201cWell, Charlotte is pretty strange,\u201d Tilly said with a waggling eyebrow, and Hoss blushed, but laughed all the same.<\/p>\n<p>Someone knocked on the door. \u201cI\u2019ll get it,\u201d Hoss said, and left in a hurry.<\/p>\n<p>It was Hop Sing.<\/p>\n<p>\u201cWill wonders never cease,\u201d Ben said with a short laugh. \u201cIs this what it took to get you out of Chinatown? I should\u2019ve got myself shot before!\u201d<\/p>\n<p>Hop Sing only looked at him for a moment, then approached without making a sound.<\/p>\n<p>\u201cHave a seat,\u201d Ben told him. Tilly moved over on the couch and patted the seat beside her, but Hop Sing did not move.<\/p>\n<p>\u201cSir,\u201d he finally said, \u201cI would speak to you.\u201d<\/p>\n<p>\u201cSince when did we need such formality?\u201d Ben asked. \u201cHop Sing, what\u2019s wrong?\u201d<\/p>\n<p>\u201cNothing is wrong, Mr. Cartwright,\u201d he replied, and Tilly, watching, could see him mentally rehearsing each line before mouthing it, ensuring that his English was as perfect as an Oxford scholar\u2019s. \u201cIt is only that, while I rejoice that you will recover, I came here with another purpose. I did not know at first that you were hurt. I was looking for you to give my notice.\u201d<\/p>\n<p>\u201cWhat the\u2014Hop Sing!\u201d Hoss cried. \u201cYou can\u2019t do that!\u201d<\/p>\n<p>\u201cHoss\u2026Tilly\u2026give us a moment,\u201d Ben said.<\/p>\n<p>\u201cIt is not necessary,\u201d Hop Sing replied. \u201cMiss Tilly has assured me\u2014as you have many times, Mr. Cartwright\u2014that I am a member of the family. It is therefore appropriate for other family members to hear. We have come to a parting of the ways; I must leave your employ.\u201d<\/p>\n<p>\u201cBut why?\u201d Ben\u2019s answer was hushed, as if he\u2019d heard the proverbial still, small voice.<\/p>\n<p>\u201cI have long desired my own situation,\u201d Hop Sing said. \u201cAnd my own family. I now have the opportunity for both.\u201d<\/p>\n<p>\u201cYour own family?\u201d Hoss repeated. \u201cAin\u2019t you got one with us?\u201d<\/p>\n<p>Tilly half-dreaded what he would say, but the smaller man smiled up at Hoss. \u201cI have been told many times that I am \u2018honorary Cartwright,\u2019 Mister Hoss. But I desire to have real children, not honorary ones. And I would like to run my own restaurant. Mister Ben has known this since we met, though I think he has tried to forget.\u201d<\/p>\n<p>\u201cYou found a girl to marry,\u201d Tilly murmured. \u201cWhat did her family say?\u201d<\/p>\n<p>\u201cSu Ling has no family,\u201d Hop Sing replied. \u201cShe has lived with Doctor Kam\u2019s mother for many years, but\u2014\u201d<\/p>\n<p>\u201cSu Ling?\u201d Hoss gasped. \u201cThat little slave girl\u2014the one Gen\u2019ral Tsung wanted? The gal who lived with us? That was years ago; you mean she never married?\u201d<\/p>\n<p>\u201cNo,\u201d Hop Sing answered. \u201cShe never married, for the same reason I never married. Family and ancestry are all things to the Chinese. Su Ling had no family and was only a slave. No one wants to marry a slave. I had no family\u2014only cousins\u2014and was only a servant. No one wants to marry a servant. But we decided we are in America now, and in America, ancestry does not determine one\u2019s future as much as hard work and determination. Su Ling and I are both hard workers. She has worked at Doctor Kam\u2019s hospital these many years, but while she was good at it, it was not what she wanted. And I worked for the Cartwrights these many years\u2026and please believe that you are the best honorary family I could ever have, but I also wanted more.\u201d<\/p>\n<p>\u201cForgive me for asking,\u201d Ben said, \u201cbut\u2026do you love Su Ling?\u201d<\/p>\n<p>The little man smiled. \u201cI understand. It has been so long. You think we are desperate and could only find each other. But no. Sometimes you do not see that which is in front of you. This is how it was for us. For a long time, we did not see each other, although we visited every day. Then one day we saw each other\u2026and having seen, we wished never to be separated again. Do you think this is love, Mr. Cartwright?\u201d<\/p>\n<p>\u201cIt sounds purty durn good to me,\u201d Hoss muttered.<\/p>\n<p>\u201cAre you opening a restaurant?\u201d Tilly asked.<\/p>\n<p>Hop Sing bowed his head a little. \u201cThere is a caf\u00e9 on B Street that is closing. The owner wants to sell. I am going to the bank this afternoon to ask them.\u201d<\/p>\n<p>Tilly and Ben exchanged a thoughtful glance. American banks did not readily lend to foreigners.<\/p>\n<p>\u201cHop Sing,\u201d Ben said, \u201cyou tell Cyrus that if he doesn\u2019t make you a loan, I\u2019ll make the loan myself\u2014out of the money I get when I close my account. Be sure you tell him I said that.\u201d<\/p>\n<p>\u201cMine too,\u201d Hoss seconded, his face fierce.<\/p>\n<p>Tilly held up one hand. \u201cAnd tell him that I\u2019ll be in to close Adam\u2019s account if he tries to make that loan at anything over the standard interest rate.\u201d<\/p>\n<p>\u201cThank you,\u201d Hop Sing said, his voice soft. \u201cYou do not have to do this.\u201d<\/p>\n<p>\u201cHow can we not?\u201d Ben said. \u201cYou\u2019re family.\u201d<\/p>\n<p style=\"text-align: center;\">**<\/p>\n<p>After Hop Sing left, Tilly thought for a moment. \u201cBen, can I take it this means that once you\u2019re well enough to travel, you and Beth will be returning home as a couple?\u201d<\/p>\n<p>\u201cI hope that\u2019s a safe assumption.\u201d Ben smiled. \u201cShe hasn\u2019t left my side since it happened. She only went down to the store this morning because you and Hoss came.\u201d<\/p>\n<p>Hoss returned then, followed by Reverend Cook.<\/p>\n<p>\u201cBen, I\u2019m glad to see you\u2014\u201d Cook began, and Tilly got to her feet.<\/p>\n<p>\u201cI\u2019ll be back,\u201d she said, kissed Ben on the cheek, and left, with the three men looking after her in dismay.<\/p>\n<p style=\"text-align: center;\">**<\/p>\n<p>Tilly was halfway to Charlotte\u2019s office when she heard running footsteps on the wooden sidewalk behind her, and then someone grabbed her arm. She jumped backwards in fright, and found herself looking at Reverend Cook. Her jaw tightening, she wrenched her arm away. \u201cTouch me again, and you\u2019ll find out how I got the reputation for being good at throwing heavy objects.\u201d<\/p>\n<p>\u201cMrs. Cartwright, I have to talk to you.\u201d<\/p>\n<p>\u201cReally? Do you want to insult my son again, or just slight me?\u201d<\/p>\n<p>Cook examined his shoes for a moment. \u201cI deserve that. But I still need to talk to you.\u201d<\/p>\n<p>\u201cDon\u2019t expect my consent just because you agreed. A year or so ago I remember saying the same thing to you. But you couldn\u2019t spare me any time because you had to go to lunch! And then my son Audun went to talk to you just a week ago and came back with a bruise on his face. Exactly what could you possibly say to me, short of an on-your-knees apology?\u201d<\/p>\n<p>He backed away, looking down at the planks they stood on. \u201cThere may have been some wrongs done, Mrs. Cartwright, but I\u2019d say you\u2019ve avenged yourself pretty well on me.\u201d<\/p>\n<p>\u201cI have no idea what you\u2019re talking about, and I don\u2019t want to know.\u201d Tilly turned away, only to have him clutch at her arm again.<\/p>\n<p>\u201cFor the love of God, Mrs. Cartwright\u2026you\u2019ve called me into account, haven\u2019t you? My sin is something I can no longer deny\u2026I\u2019ll never see either of them again.\u201d<\/p>\n<p>At that, she stopped and faced him again. \u201cHave you been drinking?\u201d<\/p>\n<p>\u201cI wish I had.\u201d His face was flaming red. \u201cI know you hate me, Mrs. Cartwright. I have no idea how you found out, or how you got her to leave, but I\u2019ve been suffering the tortures of ten thousand hells. I know I was a little brusque when you came to see me, and I\u2019m sorry, but if you\u2019d only understood what that time meant to me\u2026and when that boy told me about <em>The Scarlet Letter<\/em> and gave me that little smirk, I knew you were in it together. Then I got the letter\u2026she\u2019s gone, and taken Ruby with her.\u201d<\/p>\n<p><em>Ruby<\/em>.<\/p>\n<p>With that, everything clicked into place as she remembered. \u201c<em>O.\u201d Reverend Oliver Cook.<\/em><\/p>\n<p>\u201cYou were Flora Robinson\u2019s lover? The little girl is yours?\u201d<\/p>\n<p>Shoulders hunched, Cook looked around as if she had bellowed it for all Virginia City to hear. Then he swallowed hard and straightened his back with a visible effort. \u201cPlease\u2026may we talk in my office?\u201d<\/p>\n<p style=\"text-align: center;\">**<\/p>\n<p>\u201cYou have to see how it was,\u201d Cook said. He was sweating, piling the books that covered his desk into their familiar stacks, but this time he pushed them to one side, rather than barricading the space between Tilly and himself. He leaned across his desk toward her, his hands out in appeal. \u201cWe met when I was in seminary. She was in a girl\u2019s school nearby\u2014a Catholic school. Her parents wouldn\u2019t let her marry me. God help me, I even swore to abandon my calling and become a Catholic myself, but her parents couldn\u2019t stomach the idea of a Church of England seminarian courting their daughter.\u201d<\/p>\n<p>\u201cReverend, I don\u2019t need to hear this\u2014\u201d<\/p>\n<p>\u201cBut you do! No one else in this town knows\u2014well, that wretched O\u2019Reilly woman knows part of it, but not all. If she knew I was Ruby\u2019s father I\u2019m sure I\u2019d have been ridden out of town on a rail when I first arrived!\u201d<\/p>\n<p>\u201cPlease, Reverend Cook,\u201d Tilly said. Anger still sparked from her eyes, but her voice was under tight control. \u201cNone of this has anything to do with me.\u201d<\/p>\n<p>\u201cDoesn\u2019t it? The cork\u2019s off the bottle now.\u201d<\/p>\n<p>\u201cDo you have any idea how ridiculous you sound, sir?\u201d<\/p>\n<p>\u201cI am ridiculous,\u201d he muttered. \u201cAnd I have been for years. Graduating seminary was a sham. Florinda and I were mad for each other. We met in secret\u2026we planned to run away together, to come out to the great Western territory, where everyone was the same and there wasn\u2019t enough religion for our differences to be bothersome. But then she told me\u2026\u201d His eyes fell, and he clasped his hands.<\/p>\n<p>\u201cThat she was going to have your child.\u201d<\/p>\n<p>\u201cNeither of us knew much then, and\u2026well, I thought she knew how to prevent it\u2026\u201d<\/p>\n<p>Tilly scoffed. \u201cYes, of course. Women are always supposed to prevent that sort of thing. Lord knows men seldom think of it.\u201d<\/p>\n<p>Cook just looked at his hands. Finally he spread them in a helpless gesture. \u201cI was wrong. I would have told her, but she by then was gone. Her parents sent her off to some home where she was supposed to give the child up for adoption. But she wouldn\u2019t\u2026she came here instead. She got a respectable job as a seamstress and took a room at Mrs. O\u2019Reilly\u2019s\u2026and that old crone steamed open the mail.\u201d<\/p>\n<p>At that, Tilly felt a glimmer of sympathy for the couple. After all, she\u2019d boarded at O\u2019Reilly\u2019s place herself, and the rumors the woman had started about her and the Cartwrights were still floating about Virginia City, years later.<\/p>\n<p>\u201cA letter to you or from you?\u201d<\/p>\n<p>\u201cNeither; it was to her parents, telling them she\u2019d had the baby and wouldn\u2019t be coming back to them. And her parents wouldn\u2019t tell me anything; I didn\u2019t know where she was. I tracked her here; it took forever. More than two years I looked for her, and I finally found her\u2026she\u2019d been kicked out of all the decent boarding houses and had resorted to selling herself to strangers. She kept my daughter with a family in Carson City. We developed this routine. Every Wednesday afternoon, I would go to Carson City. She would meet me there, and we would play with Ruby and talk together\u2026and yes, that\u2019s it. We just talked. And then we\u2019d separate and each return to our respective\u2026professions. The day you came to see me, I was on my way to see them. You have no idea how much those visits meant to me.\u201d<\/p>\n<p>\u201cYou could\u2019ve taken them both and gone somewhere else as soon as you found her,\u201d Tilly said. \u201cWhy didn\u2019t you?\u201d<\/p>\n<p>Refusing to meet her eyes, he began fingering one of the books on the desk.<\/p>\n<p>Tilly slammed her hand down on the book. \u201cShe\u2019d become a whore, so she was unworthy?\u201d The silence was answer enough.<\/p>\n<p>She got up to leave, but he blurted, \u201cIt never occurred to me that she\u2019d leave me! I was a fool, I admit it. I settled for one day a week because I was afraid of a lifetime. But I know what I\u2019ve lost now. If I could find her, I\u2019d beg her on my knees for forgiveness. And yes, I know I sound more ridiculous by the moment. But to lose them both\u2026to lose them permanently\u2026Mrs. Cartwright, I went to see your father-in-law, but not as part of my duty to visit the sick. I went to him to beg him to talk to you for me\u2014only there you were, so I followed you instead.\u201d<\/p>\n<p>Tilly\u2019s lips were pressed together tight enough to churn out diamonds. He finally looked up at her. \u201cThe letter she left said you gave her the money for a \u2018fresh start.\u2019 But she didn\u2019t say where she was going. Will you tell me?\u201d<\/p>\n<p>She shook her head. \u201cI promised not to tell anyone.\u201d<\/p>\n<p>\u201cI see.\u201d He continued to play with the pages of one book. \u201cWill you at least tell me what your connection is with her? I know she\u2019s always admired you; I never knew why.\u201d<\/p>\n<p>Tilly found herself hard-pressed not to answer that question with a question. She had never known Florinda Robinson admired her, and the only connection they\u2019d ever had\u2026was Adam. \u201cIn some lopsided way,\u201d she murmured, \u201cI think I reminded her of the way things could have been for her.\u201d<\/p>\n<p>\u201cWhy?\u201d Cook asked.<\/p>\n<p>\u201cI was one of Mrs. O\u2019Reilly\u2019s targets, too. But Adam couldn\u2019t have cared less about the rumors\u2014or the truth. He didn\u2019t care about my past or my reputation. He married me.\u201d <em>And in some rambling speech, probably not too different from this conversation we\u2019re having here, Adam told Florinda that she looked like me.<\/em><\/p>\n<p>\u201cAnd that was enough for you to finance her \u2018fresh start\u2019? Why?\u201d<\/p>\n<p>Tilly shrugged. \u201cI happened to have the cash on hand, and I saw a chance to be helpful.\u201d <em>Forgive me, Lord, for not being altogether truthful with this man. Or for not being altogether altruistic with Flora. <\/em><\/p>\n<p>Cook\u2019s voice broke in on her thoughts. \u201cThen are you still in contact with her?\u201d<\/p>\n<p>She tilted her head. \u201cWhy?\u201d<\/p>\n<p>\u201cIf I write a letter\u2026\u201d he blushed furiously. \u201c\u2026a letter detailing my previous stupidity, begging forgiveness, and asking her to marry me, would you send it to her?\u201d<\/p>\n<p>\u201cI don\u2019t know. I wouldn\u2019t want to be a party to breaking her heart all over again, knowing all she\u2019s been through. Can you really forgive her for what she\u2019s done?\u201d<\/p>\n<p>\u201cThere\u2019s nothing to forgive! What she did, she did to stay alive\u2014to keep our child alive. She had nowhere else to turn for help\u2014and please don\u2019t tell me that nothing has changed; that it was just as true three years ago as it is now. I\u2019m the one who has changed, Mrs. Cartwright. I\u2019m the one who was blind. Now\u2026well, I guess now I can see. Don\u2019t you think my telling you all this is proof?\u201d<\/p>\n<p>\u201cOh, I dunno, Reverend. Why don\u2019t you stand up in front of your congregation and tell them the same thing?\u201d<\/p>\n<p>\u201cIf it\u2019s the price of postage, I will. And you needn\u2019t call me \u2018Reverend\u2019 anymore. I\u2019ve already resigned my position. If Florinda agrees to have me, I\u2019ll get a job in an office somewhere. I used to clerk in my uncle\u2019s bank; I\u2019m sure he\u2019d write me a reference. He never thought I had the temperament for making sermons, anyway.\u201d<\/p>\n<p>Tilly chuckled. \u201cForget it\u2014the confession, I mean. I just wondered. I\u2019ll send your letter. And I won\u2019t even steam it open first.\u201d<\/p>\n<p>There was one other thing she didn\u2019t tell the good reverend, because she didn\u2019t want him to lose his incentive for finding a job, or marrying the lady\u2026but Flora was in no hurt for financial support. Tilly had given her the full $15,000 Adam had left in his own farewell letter, and she regarded it as money well spent.<\/p>\n<p>She said a polite \u201cGood afternoon\u201d to the preacher and headed out the door, toward Charlotte\u2019s office.<\/p>\n<p>A soft voice called after her, \u201cMrs. Cartwright\u2026thank you.\u201d<\/p>\n<p><strong>Chapter 62<\/strong><\/p>\n<p><strong><em>September, 1875<\/em><\/strong><\/p>\n<p>\u201cThey ain\u2019t been reported in Virginia City,\u201d Sheriff Peabody said. \u201cI\u2019ve sent wires to every sheriff and marshal in the state, and Long\u2019s doin\u2019 the same in California. One marshal\u2019s wired law officers in Utah. But your family was attacked, although the fellas who did it were unknowns.\u201d<\/p>\n<p>Strangely, Joe did not seem surprised by this. \u201cWas anyone hurt?\u201d he asked quietly.<\/p>\n<p>\u201cBen Cartwright was shot, but the fella that shot him is dead. One other attacker was caught at Will Cartwright\u2019s place before he could do any harm, but he ain\u2019t talking.\u201d<\/p>\n<p>\u201cHow\u2019s\u2026how\u2019s my father?\u201d Joe asked. \u201cHoss wrote me in jail; said Pa was sick. He didn\u2019t say anything about him bein\u2019 hurt.\u201d It sounded strange, Joe saying that\u2014it made Adam realize just how long it had been since he had thought of his father at all.<\/p>\n<p>\u201cHe\u2019s alive,\u201d Peabody shrugged. \u201cMore than that, I couldn\u2019t tell you. The wire from Coffee just said Cartwright was shot and wounded but was recuperating.\u201d<\/p>\n<p>Joe looked torn.<\/p>\n<p>\u201cMaybe you should go on home,\u201d Adam said. \u201cHe\u2019ll get better quicker with you around.\u201d<\/p>\n<p>\u201cWhat about you?\u201d<\/p>\n<p>\u201cI\u2019m going after Damion and Hanley.\u201d<\/p>\n<p>\u201cThen I\u2019ll go with you.\u201d<\/p>\n<p>\u201cNot much point in it.\u201d Adam looked away. \u201cI\u2019m the one they\u2019re after, Joe\u2014they don\u2019t even know you exist. And I\u2019m the one who got a good look at them both. Did you even see Damion\u2019s face before you broke his nose?\u201d<\/p>\n<p>\u201cNot well,\u201d Joe admitted. \u201cI just jumped him because he was the only one in the cell. And I don\u2019t suppose Damion knows me; he only knows I\u2019m a Cartwright. I don\u2019t think my first name ever came up, not from the sheriff. And I was hardly in a conversational mood.\u201d<\/p>\n<p>Adam looked doubtful as Joe went on, \u201cBut with his nose spread across his face, he shouldn\u2019t be that hard to find. Anyway, I\u2019m not going home without you. Tilly\u2019d never speak to me again.\u201d<\/p>\n<p>Adam stared at his boots.<\/p>\n<p>\u201cNo sense in both of you tearing off after them anyhow,\u201d Peabody said. \u201cAlready told you, every law enforcement agent between San Diego and Salt Lake City is on the lookout. At some point those two\u2019ll come up for air, and we\u2019ll be on \u2019em like ducks on a June bug.\u201d<\/p>\n<p>\u201cAssuming they\u2019ll head for civilization,\u201d Joe muttered.<\/p>\n<p>Adam\u2019s fingers twitched on the brim of his hat. He\u2019d played with the thing more in the last year than in the rest of his life.<\/p>\n<p>\u201cWhere else would they go?\u201d Peabody asked.<\/p>\n<p>\u201cSomeplace where we wouldn\u2019t,\u201d Joe thought aloud. \u201cMaybe\u2026\u201d<\/p>\n<p>Adam nudged him with his foot. \u201cNever mind. We\u2019ll be going home now, Sheriff\u2026thanks for your, uh, help.\u201d<\/p>\n<p>\u201cWhat an idiot,\u201d Joe muttered as they walked back to their horses.<\/p>\n<p>\u201cDon\u2019t say anything more until we get out of here,\u201d Adam said, keeping his voice low. \u201cThat idiot is entirely capable of arresting us as long as we\u2019re in his town. He let his men get killed because he was more concerned with his territory than their lives; didn\u2019t take a warning seriously, so he had the killers parading right down Main Street in front of his office\u2026no telling what he\u2019ll do to us if we keep talking about finding them.\u201d<\/p>\n<p>As they rode out of town, Joe turned to Adam. \u201cSo where are we lookin\u2019?\u201d<\/p>\n<p>\u201cRight where you were thinking about. Somewhere we wouldn\u2019t normally go. Maybe that new Paiute reservation on the Walker River. The tracks near the spot where the deputies died\u2014remember, they did lead southeast.\u201d<\/p>\n<p>\u201cThat\u2019s miles and miles of heat\u2026at a dead gallop, changing horses regular, we\u2019d get there in two or three days. We can\u2019t do that, so it\u2019ll take a week at least. Most of that country\u2019s nothin\u2019 but scrub and scree.\u201d<\/p>\n<p>Adam crossed his arms. \u201cAnd what did you have us ridin\u2019 through when we were goin\u2019 in circles around Silver Peak?\u201d<\/p>\n<p>\u201cBut then we were walking and trotting.\u201d<\/p>\n<p>\u201cLook, you do what you want,\u201d Adam said. \u201cI\u2019m going.\u201d<\/p>\n<p>\u201cOh, I\u2019m coming with you,\u201d Joe replied. \u201cAfter all these months of you following me around when I didn\u2019t want you, I figure turnabout\u2019s fair play. Besides, you\u2019re responsible for me. So if I happen to kill these guys accidentally, you\u2019ll have to apologize for me.\u201d<\/p>\n<p>They were an hour out of town when Adam began listing to the right, and if Joe had not bunched Cochise right into Sport and grabbed Adam, he would have fallen off. \u201cDammit, Adam, you look like flour paste!\u201d<\/p>\n<p>\u201cI\u2019m\u2026fine.\u201d<\/p>\n<p>\u201cNo, you\u2019re not.\u201d He helped his brother dismount. Then he set up camp right where they were. \u201cI bet you left before that doctor said you could, didn\u2019t you? How long have you been sick, and what is it you\u2019ve got?\u201d<\/p>\n<p>\u201cA bad case of little brotheritis,\u201d Adam retorted, and went to sleep.<\/p>\n<p style=\"text-align: center;\">**<\/p>\n<p>They stayed where they were for two days, until Adam could keep his stomach more or less settled, and could ride more than five miles without falling off. The third day they left, but only made ten miles before having to stop. Joe was careful to hide his impatience, since the only time he said anything about moving on, Adam grunted, \u201cWhy do you even want to be with me? You\u2019ve acted like you hated me ever since we left Placerville.\u201d<\/p>\n<p>\u201cAnd I still do,\u201d Joe replied with the same innocent look he\u2019d worn a few years back when asking for security on a wager. \u201cIs there something you want to ask me, Adam?\u201d<\/p>\n<p>\u201cI just did ask you. I\u2019ve got no patience for games, and you should know that better than most.\u201d<\/p>\n<p>\u201cAnd yet you played games with me.\u201d Joe\u2019s voice sounded like charred pine knots. \u201cAll this time, lettin\u2019 me think it was my fault she died in a fire. All this time I\u2019ve been torturing myself for cuttin\u2019 a corner or two when I built the house\u2026\u201d<\/p>\n<p>\u201cWhat are you talking about?\u201d<\/p>\n<p>\u201cYou oughtta know! After you and Tilly came home\u2026when I took you out to see my house\u2026you stared at it like it was cheap and I was still the baby brother who didn\u2019t care what he was doing. You made me\u2014\u201d<\/p>\n<p>\u201cI didn\u2019t make you do anything,\u201d Adam sighed. \u201cYou damn fool.\u201d<\/p>\n<p>\u201cWhy does it make <em>me<\/em> a fool? You looked like you thought\u2014\u201d<\/p>\n<p>\u201cWhy didn\u2019t you save yourself some trouble and ask me what I thought? I was surprised to see you living in a house that was out in the open and painted yellow. Don\u2019t you remember Edelweiss? That was your place; I thought that\u2019s where you\u2019d be\u2014a hermit\u2019s cabin. Not in some cheerful clapboard place that looked like it was crying out for kids and crops.\u201d<\/p>\n<p>Joe stared at Adam, his eyes swimming. \u201cYou didn\u2019t think I was slacking?\u201d<\/p>\n<p>\u201cWhy would I? Ever since I\u2019ve been back, you\u2019ve been the one Pa\u2019s turned to for information, for action, for anything that needed doing. I was thinking my leaving was probably the best thing in the world\u2014you and Hoss grew up.\u201d<\/p>\n<p>\u201cBut Adam\u2026\u201d Joe\u2019s voice broke. \u201cI was just tryin\u2019ta prove\u2026\u201d<\/p>\n<p>\u201cAnd <em>that<\/em> is the first childish thing I\u2019ve heard you say since I came home.\u201d Adam rolled on his side, facing away from him. \u201cYou had nothing to prove to anyone, Little Brother\u2026least of all, me. You\u2019re not the one who failed.\u201d<\/p>\n<p style=\"text-align: center;\">**<\/p>\n<p>As they rode the next day at a moderate, energy-maintaining trot, Joe asked, \u201cWhat did you mean last night\u2026the one who failed?\u201d<\/p>\n<p>\u201cI thought it was obvious.\u201d<\/p>\n<p>\u201cNot really. It sounded like you thought you failed somehow. Look, I won\u2019t lie\u2014I\u2019d gladly jack-slap you all the way to Boston for letting me believe a lie all this time, but I don\u2019t blame you for what happened to Alice. Hell, I blame myself for going into town that day.\u201d<\/p>\n<p>\u201cAnd I blame myself for not being an hour earlier,\u201d Adam said. \u201cBut the truth is, Joe, if either one of us had been there, we\u2019d probably just have been killed too. There were four of them there that I saw, and I got the idea that they enjoyed killing. That Hanley fellow, I don\u2019t know if he can\u2019t talk or won\u2019t talk, but he\u2019s got a language all his own when it comes to murder.\u201d<\/p>\n<p>\u201cWell, we\u2019ll shut \u2019em up\u2014all of \u2019em.\u201d Joe looked into the distance. \u201cAnd then we\u2019ll go home. It\u2019ll be good to see the Ponderosa again. Bonnie\u2019s probably half grown by now. Lord knows what mischief Audun\u2019s into, and Tilly oughtta bean you with her skillet for goin\u2019 off and leavin\u2019 her for so long. Even I never left Alice that long.\u201d<\/p>\n<p>\u201cI may not go back to the Ponderosa,\u201d Adam said. \u201cI was thinkin\u2019 of going to San Francisco.\u201d<\/p>\n<p>\u201cWhat? What are you talking about?\u201d<\/p>\n<p>\u201cTilly won\u2019t be there, Joe. I sent her away when I left. And after the last argument Audun and I had, I doubt he\u2019ll be there either.\u201d<\/p>\n<p>\u201cWhat the\u2014that\u2019s the biggest pile of horse sh\u2014\u201d<\/p>\n<p>\u201cAnd I\u2019m not in the mood to talk about it, so drop it.\u201d<\/p>\n<p>\u201cOh, after five months of \u2018Joe, talk to me\u2019 suddenly you\u2019re the one who loves the sound of silence? To hell with that and to hell with you if you can\u2019t take a little bit of goose \u2019n\u2019 gander, Older Brother. Why in the name of God did you dump Tilly?\u201d<\/p>\n<p>\u201cShe loved somebody else.\u201d<\/p>\n<p>\u201cI always knew that stuff about you being smarter than the rest of us was a lot of road apples. And now you just proved it.\u201d<\/p>\n<p>Adam did not bother to respond.<\/p>\n<p>\u201cSeriously,\u201d Joe went on in his best goading voice. \u201cI imagine when Lady died you thought she did it on purpose just to piss you off, too.\u201d<\/p>\n<p>\u201cYou weren\u2019t there that day and you don\u2019t know what the hell happened to Lady, so why don\u2019t you shut\u2014\u201d<\/p>\n<p>\u201cI won\u2019t shut up because I know better,\u201d Joe snapped. \u201cWhen you and Tilly came back after all your travels, she loved you more than when you left for Europe. If she fell for some rounder in Carson City it\u2019s only because you wouldn\u2019t give her the time of day, and everybody on the Ponderosa knew it. I don\u2019t know what happened to you with Audun\u2019s Indians, but not long after you came back you turned into the same sourpuss you were the last year you lived here\u2014before you even met Tilly. Everybody noticed it.\u201d<\/p>\n<p>\u201cI don\u2019t know how you could\u2019ve noticed anything,\u201d Adam replied. \u201cYou were always gone. Everybody noticed that, too.\u201d<\/p>\n<p>\u201cWell, at least when I was around I loved my wife! And I\u2019ll tell you something else, Mr. Scholar. If Alice fell for somebody else because I was always gone\u2014or any other reason\u2014I\u2019d\u2019ve fought for her. She was worth enough to me that I wouldn\u2019t\u2019ve just cut \u2019er loose with a \u2018goodbye and good luck.\u2019 I\u2019d\u2019ve got down on both knees and begged\u2014\u201d<\/p>\n<p>\u201cEasy to say,\u201d Adam said. \u201cDidn\u2019t have that problem, did you?\u201d<\/p>\n<p>\u201cShows what you know. When I came back after my last trip Alice told me there was some other fella. Said he was good-lookin\u2019 and hung on every word she said. Wouldn\u2019t say who he was. Puzzles me to this day, since I thought she was only seein\u2019 you and Hoss while I was gone, but he was apparently hangin\u2019 around a good bit. Did you ever see anybody?\u201d<\/p>\n<p>\u201cNope.\u201d<\/p>\n<p>\u201cWell anyway, she said she\u2019d give me one last chance to straighten up, and you better believe, I swore then and there my travelin\u2019 days were done. And if I\u2019d found out who that fella was I\u2019da knocked every tooth out of his head, too, but that never came up again. Look, I ain\u2019t tellin\u2019 you this for fun\u2014I\u2019m tellin\u2019 you because if you love your wife, you\u2019ll fight for her, not just wave your hanky and quote poetry.\u201d<\/p>\n<p>\u201cDoesn\u2019t matter,\u201d Adam said. \u201cShe\u2019s gone now.\u201d<\/p>\n<p>\u201cNot last I heard.\u201d<\/p>\n<p>Certain that he had misheard, Adam managed a faint, \u201cWhat?\u201d<\/p>\n<p>\u201cHoss wrote me while I was in jail, like I said. Said Pa was sick, and Audun went looking for his w\u00e1yakin\u2026and that Tilly had been sick too. So it sounds to me like she didn\u2019t leave.\u201d<\/p>\n<p>At that, Adam\u2019s thoughts went into such a whirl that the only thing he remembered later was to wonder what he\u2019d look like with all his teeth knocked out.<\/p>\n<p><strong>Chapter 63<\/strong><\/p>\n<p><strong><em>September, 1875<\/em><\/strong><\/p>\n<p>The next day Adam threw caution to the wind. When they broke camp, he spurred Sport into a hard lope that made the smaller Cochise struggle to keep apace. They reached the Walker River just before sunset on Saturday. Adam had long-since retreated into silence. His head was pounding, and the normal sounds of the outdoors were bombarding his ears like the Krupp artillery guns back in Paris.<\/p>\n<p><em>You have no one to blame but yourself<\/em>, he thought, and even his thoughts were fuzzy. <em>That veterinarian said not to push myself, but I did, and I\u2019ve been payin\u2019 for it ever since<\/em>.<em> And I\u2019m stuck with Joe; I\u2019ll never get rid of him now that he knows. Which means we\u2019ll have to capture these guys alive and take them to Virginia City\u2026and go to court\u2026and everyone will know\u2026and it still might not be enough to get them on the gallows. The French were right, it\u2019s so much easier\u2026<\/em><\/p>\n<p>But he couldn\u2019t remember what it was that was easier. His ears were roaring now, and his stomach was lurching as if it wanted to jump out of his body.<\/p>\n<p>\u201cWe have to stop,\u201d he finally said.<\/p>\n<p>\u201cBut the river\u2019s just ahead\u2014we get across that and we\u2019ll be on the reservation. We\u2014\u201d<\/p>\n<p>\u201cI\u2019m stopping!\u201d Adam snapped, and made it off Sport just before the little that was in his stomach abandoned him.<\/p>\n<p>\u201cOhhhh\u2026kay,\u201d Joe said, dismounting and unsaddling Sport and Cochise before leading them down to the river for a drink. When they returned, Adam was asleep\u2014or whatever passed for sleep with him these days. His head was pillowed on his saddle, but he was sweating and twitching and murmuring, \u201c<em>Cochon\u2026cochon\u2026<\/em>\u201d Joe\u2019s eyebrows rose at that, and he half-grinned, wondering just who Adam was confronting in his dream, and if they were getting the worst of it. And then the smile disappeared as the thought of Damion pranced through his mind. No, surely Adam would have a better insult than that for him.<\/p>\n<p>He meant to ask if they should take turns on watch, but figuring his brother was feeling far more fragile than he\u2019d ever admit, he decided to take the watch himself, and for the night. It was a bad decision. Sometime past three a.m., his head began to nod, and a few minutes later he was sound asleep.<\/p>\n<p style=\"text-align: center;\">**<\/p>\n<p>The dreams were the worst of it, keeping him from getting any rest while he slept. He was back in France, standing against the blood-spattered wall and shouting insults at his firing squad. Max was in command; he and Tilly were arm in arm, with brandy glasses in their free hands. \u201cLet\u2019s get this over with,\u201d Tilly sighed. \u201cI don\u2019t want to stay at the Ponderosa longer than necessary.\u201d<\/p>\n<p>The dream repeated several times through the night, with slight variations each time, but always the same in essentials. Sometimes he woke, but he was never sure whether he was really awake or still sleeping and dreaming that he was awake. Thus, when he heard the voice of Damion he paid little attention to it\u2014until a Hoss-sized hand closed painfully on his shoulder, twisting him around.<\/p>\n<p>He didn\u2019t even think. One booted leg shot upward, the toe catching Hanley in the fleshy part of the arm. The giant\u2019s grip went momentarily slack, and the old Colt came up and out of its holster, almost of its own volition. Hanley dived on him, but Adam pulled the trigger. For a minute Hanley seemed unaffected. Then, looking puzzled as the blood spurted from his chest, he stared at Adam. It was the closest Adam had ever seen to a flash of humanity in the man\u2019s eyes\u2026just before he keeled over backwards.<\/p>\n<p>\u201cImpressive,\u201d Damion said with no discernible emotion as he looked at what was left of his former associate. \u201cBut what happens now?\u201d<\/p>\n<p>He sounded almost mischievous, standing behind Little Joe, left arm across his neck, the gun up against Joe\u2019s right temple. \u201cYou might be able to shoot me, but then I might twitch. Animal reflex, you know.\u201d<\/p>\n<p>\u201cWhat makes you think I\u2019d care,\u201d Adam said in a voice bereft of feeling.<\/p>\n<p>\u201cShoot, Adam!\u201d Joe shouted, his voice shrill. \u201cShoot through me! I don\u2019t care, just as long as I take him with me!\u201d<\/p>\n<p>\u201cAdam?\u201d Damion repeated\u2014manfully keeping his grip on Joe\u2019s neck\u2014\u201cYou\u2019re <em>Adam<\/em> Cartwright?\u201d<\/p>\n<p>\u201cDisappointed?\u201d Adam replied, as casual as a Sunday stroll. \u201cYeah, you might not want to kill him. He\u2019s the one you want the money from. And I\u2019m the one who has no feelings for his family, remember?\u201d<\/p>\n<p>\u201cBut you said you\u2019d lost your wife and son.\u201d<\/p>\n<p>\u201cSon?\u201d Joe repeated so faintly Adam almost didn\u2019t hear him. \u201cMy <em>son<\/em>?\u201d One elbow rammed backward into Damion\u2019s gut; the gun tilted crazily and discharged into air as Adam rushed them both. Joe somersaulted away and bounced to his feet as Adam landed on Damion. Damion\u2019s gun went off again before flying across the sky to land on a boulder fifteen feet away. Joe ran over to find Adam sitting on Damion\u2019s chest, his knees grinding Damion\u2019s arms into the sand and his hands on Damion\u2019s throat.<\/p>\n<p>\u201cYou made a mistake, Max,\u201d Adam said, his voice soft and breathy. \u201cYou already confessed your crime\u2014hell, you boasted about it. Full admission of guilt. And there\u2019s no law out here. No judge, no jury, no technicalities. Nothing but me.\u201d<\/p>\n<p>Damion struggled uselessly, rasping, \u201cIt was Hanley! He was an animal\u2014all I did\u2014\u201d<\/p>\n<p>As if Damion hadn\u2019t opened his mouth, Adam went on pressing the man deeper into the ground; his hands tightened further on Damion\u2019s neck. \u201cNo lawyers, no plea bargains\u2026it\u2019ll take at least two days to die\u2026you\u2019ll be jealous of your friend over there before it\u2019s done\u2026you\u2019ll be begging for the mercy of the quick death he got. But I\u2019m not going to let you go that easy. You\u2019re going to pay for Alice\u2026for her baby\u2026for Lady. I\u2019m going to watch the life drain outta you like the last sludgy mess of coffee oozing out of the pot\u2026and I\u2019m gonna smile.\u201d<\/p>\n<p>\u201cAdam,\u201d Joe\u2019s voice came into his head slowly, as if fighting its way through cannon wadding. \u201cAdam, listen to me. Adam! Dammit, Adam, look at me!\u201d<\/p>\n<p>Adam, distracted, regarded Joe, who knelt down to look into his eyes. \u201cLook, Adam\u2026are you talking to him, or are you talking to yourself? Do you really need that much convincing? I\u2019ve seen you kill men before, and you never gave \u2019em a speech. You just did what needed doing, as quick as you could, because it wasn\u2019t something you enjoyed.\u201d<\/p>\n<p>\u201cBut this will be,\u201d Adam murmured. \u201cI can enjoy this. They were right\u2014don\u2019t waste time arresting the innocent. You go after the ones you know are guilty, and you give them what they deserve.\u201d<\/p>\n<p>Joe\u2019s voice sounded terrified as he leaned over, staring into Adam\u2019s burning eyes. \u201cWhat you sound like\u2026isn\u2019t like my brother. I need you the way you\u2019re s\u2019posed to be, Adam.\u201d<\/p>\n<p>\u201cTell me you don\u2019t want to watch him die, Joe,\u201d Adam grunted, his gaze locked on Damion\u2019s terrified eyes.<\/p>\n<p>\u201cI do,\u201d Joe said. \u201cBut after he\u2019s found guilty by a judge and jury. Just the way you taught me things should work. So many times, when I was playing it like this. You were the one who set me straight. Remember?\u201d<\/p>\n<p>\u201cBut it\u2019s not the way the world works! What happened over there\u2014\u201d<\/p>\n<p>\u201cWas wrong! It wasn\u2019t the way civilized people work, Adam! What happened to you wasn\u2019t civilized. When people have to eat rats to survive, when people spend months getting tortured, it\u2019s not civilization. But we\u2019re better than that. We\u2019ll be civilized. Even with this\u2014this yellow excuse for a man!\u201d<\/p>\n<p>As an anemic autumn sun struggled over the rocky horizon, the light of reason returned to Adam\u2019s eyes. He swung a carefully aimed fist that connected hard against Damion\u2019s broken nose, and then just because he wanted to, he did it again. And as Damion screeched, Adam got up, looking weak and tired. \u201cTie him up and let\u2019s get outta here.\u201d<\/p>\n<p>&nbsp;<\/p>\n<p><strong>Chapter 64<\/strong><\/p>\n<p><strong><em>September, 1875<\/em><\/strong><\/p>\n<p><em>Dear Mrs. Cartwright,<\/em><\/p>\n<p><em>Please give Oliver my address. Doubtless you will think I am mad, but I believe the things he wrote me. I appreciate your reservations, and I have some of my own, but the truth is I have always loved him and always will. That love, and my affection for my little girl, kept me from falling apart during the dark times when I wanted to die.<\/em><\/p>\n<p><em>When I was in school the nuns never suggested I try reading my Bible. They always said I couldn\u2019t hope to understand it. In fact, one of my teachers spent more time talking about Greek and Roman mythology than the Bible. The nuns at the home where I was sent told me I was evil and that God would certainly send me to hell for my actions. Sometimes I believed them. Only when I ran away and came out here did I pick up a Bible for myself, and I found in my reading that for a God who is so anxious to send people to hell, he spent an awful lot of time and inconvenience to make sure we didn\u2019t have to go there. I asked Oliver about this when he came to Virginia City. He said that in fact God was not at all anxious to send people to hell and that he would happily forgive anyone who was genuinely sorry for their sins. He also told me, however, that people were less forgiving than God, and that was where most of the trouble came in.<\/em><\/p>\n<p><em>One of the things Oliver\u2019s letter said was that if God could forgive me for the choices I have made, then Oliver could do no less, and that if God could forgive Oliver for his own foolishness, then I should do the same. <\/em><\/p>\n<p><em>No one knows Oliver here; no one knows me here, either. He says that if I agree, we\u2019ll be married as soon as he arrives. Maybe I am na\u00efve, but I believe we\u2019ve both made foolish mistakes and learned from them; we\u2019ve both forgiven each other and now we can start again. I believe if God offers second chances, we\u2019d be more foolish not to accept them.<\/em><\/p>\n<p><em>I\u2019m fairly certain that you got me out of town more to get me away from your husband than to help me, but I won\u2019t hold your motive against you if you don\u2019t hold my former profession\u2014and connection to your husband\u2014against me. I never figured out exactly what Adam meant when he was talking to me about you, but I have the notion that you and he need to forgive each other for something too, so maybe you\u2019re not that different from Oliver and me. I hope we can continue our correspondence, Mrs. Cartwright. Maybe we\u2019ll actually have good news for each other someday. I continue to hope.<\/em><\/p>\n<p><em>Sincerely,<\/em><\/p>\n<p><em>Florinda Robinson<\/em><\/p>\n<p>\u201cBe sure your sins will find you out,\u201d Tilly murmured. \u201cThe girl\u2019s a smart one, I\u2019ll give her that.\u201d<\/p>\n<p>She left the post office and seeing Audun loafing nearby, called him over. \u201cDid you not find Dr. Martin?\u201d<\/p>\n<p>\u201cNo\u2014he\u2019s gone out of town. The sign on his door says he\u2019s gone fishing.\u201d<\/p>\n<p>\u201cWell, he\u2019s taken about two fishing trips since I\u2019ve known him, and one of them was interrupted,\u201d Tilly said. \u201cSo you can\u2019t blame him for that. And Dr. Kam isn\u2019t around?\u201d<\/p>\n<p>\u201cHe\u2019s with a patient\u2014a Chinese man who was beaten by some white people. Hop Sing and Su Ling are with him.\u201d He shook his head. \u201cYou know, the Nimiipuu can\u2019t tell the difference between Chinese and whites. The slight difference in eyes and skin color is not important enough for them to notice.\u201d<\/p>\n<p>\u201cThat could be a good thing or a bad thing,\u201d Tilly observed.<\/p>\n<p>\u201cHow?\u201d<\/p>\n<p>\u201cIt\u2019s good if it means we shouldn\u2019t think a person\u2019s skin color is important when judging their character. It\u2019s bad if Indians think all whites\u2014including the Chinese\u2014are exactly alike.\u201d<\/p>\n<p>Audun grunted. \u201cMy father said something like that.\u201d<\/p>\n<p>\u201cWhy not come with me to visit Charlotte? I\u2019m sure she\u2019s doing something medical.\u201d<\/p>\n<p>He grimaced with distaste. \u201cThe office is always full of women\u2014and they all tease me. They tell me they\u2019ll take their clothes off \u2018for free\u2019 just for me.\u201d<\/p>\n<p>\u201cEgad and little fishes! Okay, we won\u2019t go to Charlotte\u2019s.\u201d<\/p>\n<p>\u201cYou certainly will,\u201d he said. \u201cSupposedly it\u2019s why you made me bring you into town anyway. You are late, by my calculations, and the heart\u2014\u201d<\/p>\n<p>\u201cI have something else to do first; it\u2019s important.\u201d<\/p>\n<p>\u201cNo one else can do it for you?\u201d<\/p>\n<p>\u201cI have to talk to Reverend Cook.\u201d<\/p>\n<p>\u201cThe man you said you would never speak to again?\u201d Audun chuffed. \u201cThat does not sound so important to me. Write the message and I\u2019ll carry it to him. You go see Charlotte.\u201d<\/p>\n<p>She considered for a moment, and then drew the letter from Florinda out of her reticule. \u201cAll right\u2014just take this to him. And <em>don\u2019t<\/em> talk to him about any Nathaniel Hawthorne books.\u201d<\/p>\n<p>\u201cThis is a letter to you,\u201d he observed. \u201cDo you want it back?\u201d<\/p>\n<p>\u201cAfter he gets what he needs from it.\u201d<\/p>\n<p>Audun mumbled assent and took off down the street.<\/p>\n<p>Tilly waited a few minutes to allow a group of dusty cowboys to ride past; wistfully she looked after them, but Adam and Joe were not among them. She sighed, wondering if they would ever come back, and dreading what she would have to say to Adam if he did. Well, if Reverend Cook and Florinda Robinson could make things work, surely she and Adam could get past this. She stepped out into the street, heading toward Charlotte\u2019s office, just as one lagging rider shouting \u201cHey fellers, wait fer me!\u201d barreled up, the shoulder of his big bay bashing into her and knocking her to the ground.<\/p>\n<p style=\"text-align: center;\">**<\/p>\n<p>Charlotte heard the commotion outside, and went out to her waiting room to see the preacher and Audun Cartwright carrying in her cousin, Tilly. She gave an involuntary squeak, and then the eerie calm settled over her that always happened during a crisis.<\/p>\n<p>\u201cEverybody out,\u201d she told all the waiting women. \u201cI\u2019ve got an emergency here. Audun, you and the preacher take her into my examination room.\u201d<\/p>\n<p>She followed them in. \u201cWhat happened?\u201d<\/p>\n<p>\u201cRun down by a horse on C Street,\u201d Cook said. \u201cAudun and I both saw it.\u201d<\/p>\n<p>\u201cWhat sort of damage? Any head wound?\u201d She began to look for herself as Audun spoke.<\/p>\n<p>\u201cNo broken bones that I saw; if there\u2019s a concussion I think it\u2019s minor. But I think it brought on labor. There\u2019s a lot of fluid, but not much blood. I think her water broke.\u201d<\/p>\n<p>\u201cYep. You wash up, Audun\u2014I\u2019ll need assisting. You never told her about the heartbeats, did you?\u201d<\/p>\n<p>\u201cOf course not; she was already terrified,\u201d Audun replied. \u201cWhat do you think her\u2014and their\u2014chances are?\u201d<\/p>\n<p>\u201cThat\u2019s up to the good Lord, and he ain\u2019t tellin\u2019.\u201d Charlotte looked grim.<\/p>\n<p>Oliver Cook regarded Tilly for a moment, and then turned to Charlotte. \u201cMay I wait outside? I can ride out and tell Ben\u2014I\u2019m sure he will want to know\u2026\u201d<\/p>\n<p>\u201cAnd so will you,\u201d Audun said, staring right through him.<\/p>\n<p>\u201cYes, so will I.\u201d He stood a little straighter. \u201cShe\u2019s a good woman, and she\u2019s been a good friend to those I care about.\u201d<\/p>\n<p><strong>Chapter 65<\/strong><\/p>\n<p><strong><em>September, 1875<\/em><\/strong><\/p>\n<p>Adam didn\u2019t even remember the book in the pocket of his coat until he looked for his spare neckerchief, and by then they were nearing home. The slow pace necessitated by Damion had at least given Adam time to build his strength back, but the trip itself had been disgusting. Once Damion had stopped pissing himself and figured out that however many hate-filled glances Adam shot him, he would not murder him, and that Joe\u2019s venomous looks were likewise harmless, he had become intolerable. First protesting his innocence (\u201cHanley was in charge\u2026I was just along for the ride, and I had no control over him\u2026\u201d), he moved on to the impossibility of proving guilt beyond a reasonable doubt. And his constant whining and complaining about their injustices to him would have tried the patience of a milk cow. That night Damion threatened them with a prestigious lawyer who would not only ensure that \u201cI\u2019ll never see the inside of a prison, but you\u2019ll both go to jail for slander.\u201d This finally prompted Joe to ask if Adam had a spare neckerchief\u2026which became the gag Joe shoved into Damion\u2019s mouth.<\/p>\n<p>But finding the book reminded Adam of how desperately he had wanted something to read. He wondered if he\u2019d finally get a chance to look it over, now that they were finally nearing Virginia City. Ten days in Damion\u2019s company was worse than a year with most of the murderers Adam had known.<\/p>\n<p>\u201cIf we ride hard, we can be in town before noon,\u201d Adam said as he built the fire.<\/p>\n<p>\u201cYou think Drippy Pants there will let us?\u201d Joe responded.<\/p>\n<p>\u201cI\u2019ll tie him to the saddle,\u201d Adam replied, dumping some streak o\u2019lean into the skillet and looking through his pack for the beans.<\/p>\n<p>Damion tried to shout something, but whatever it was came out as \u201cMfkrsh\u201d and a string of other unintelligible ramblings.<\/p>\n<p>\u201cKeep it up, and you won\u2019t get any dinner,\u201d Joe told him. \u201cWe have to bring you in alive. But people can go without food for weeks. Just remember that. Hey Adam, I shoulda thought of that before. He mighta been more docile if we forgot to feed him now and then.\u201d<\/p>\n<p>After everyone had eaten, Joe replaced Damion\u2019s gag and got into his bedroll. \u201cAin\u2019t you gonna sleep?\u201d he asked Adam, who was fingering the unopened book.<\/p>\n<p>\u201cSoon,\u201d Adam said, and finally opened it, scrunching near to the fire so he could read.<\/p>\n<p>The first thing he remembered, after he saw what it was, was the woman\u2019s protest, \u201cthis book ain\u2019t just any ordinary book. It took years\u2026\u201d<\/p>\n<p>She was right. It must have taken years to collect it all. The book was a lined journal, made into a hash of newspaper articles (some about the war, others of more local interest), client lists and accounts, sermon notes, songs, journal entries, recipes, and even lines of copied poetry. He recognized Tennyson\u2019s \u201cMaud\u201d straightaway: \u201cCome into the garden, Maud, for the black hat, night, has flown\u2026\u201d and found himself laughing. \u201cIt\u2019s not hat. It\u2019s bat.\u201d<\/p>\n<p>\u201cThere\u2019s no bats around,\u201d Joe mumbled. \u201cAnd I\u2019m tryin\u2019 to sleep here.\u201d<\/p>\n<p>Five hundred dollars he\u2019d paid for this book, and she hadn\u2019t even copied the poems correctly. <em>The story of my life.<\/em><\/p>\n<p>He paged through two pages copied out of Shakespeare\u2019s <em>A Winter\u2019s Tale<\/em>, pausing to frown over \u201c\u2026many a man there is, even at this present\/Now while I speak this, holds his wife by the arm\/That little thinks she has been sluiced in\u2019s absence\/And his pond fish\u2019d by his next neighbor.\u201d Now why on earth would she have wanted to remember that?<\/p>\n<p>It made him stop, though, and wonder about Tilly. If she was still at the Ponderosa\u2014why? No, he couldn\u2019t let himself think about her; he\u2019d drive himself mad. So he pored over a recipe for stewed turnips, remembering how Tilly had loved turnips. He smiled at a recipe for mincemeat pie that Tilly would also have liked\u2026and then wondered what Audun would think of \u201cBaked Indian Pudding.\u201d<\/p>\n<p>He thumbed through the book a little further: newspaper articles about Nathan Bedford Forrest and the battle of Fort Pillow pasted across several pages, followed by Longstreet and the battle of Fort Sanders.<\/p>\n<p>More journal entries: the woman\u2019s decision to leave home and escape all her troubles; an excited entry about train travel. A few descriptions of the terrain she had passed through: \u201cI never saw anything like those mountains. We got our own in Tennessee, but they are pretty tame compared to this western stuff.\u201d And a few pages later, the discovery that while she might have escaped the war, she\u2019d brought all her real troubles with her and even picked up new ones. A couple more recipes, probably never tried. A painful account of the man she\u2019d met and fallen for\u2014and who had left her. \u201cNobody decent will ever want me again.\u201d And right after that, a detailed and sordid description of her first night as a \u201cworking girl.\u201d<\/p>\n<p>He read on for a few more pages, finding\u2014to his surprise\u2014more sermon notes, alternating with client accounts. He thought her new \u201cprofession\u201d would have discouraged going to church, or her church visits would have discouraged her profession, but no.<\/p>\n<p>More sermon notes\u2014this one must have meant something to her. Gomer, the wife of the prophet Hosea. <em>Wasn\u2019t she the one who was a prostitute?<\/em> \u201cGo, show your love to your wife again, though she is loved by another and is an adulteress. Love her as the Lord loves the Israelites, though they turn to other gods.\u201d <em>Yeah, that would certainly be a provident course of action.<\/em> \u201cWe shall always be forgiven, provided we forgive all who sin against us. If we do that we have nothing to fear: if we don\u2019t, all else will be in vain.\u201d<\/p>\n<p>He found his lip curling into a sneer, and stopped just to prove to himself that he could.<\/p>\n<p>But even that brought memories of Tilly; he could still see her standing in the little schoolroom looking up at him, mad clear through and ravishingly lovely: \u201cI think it\u2019s pretty presumptuous of people to assume that everything that happens is both God\u2019s will and God\u2019s fault. It is not God\u2019s intent to make you as miserable as possible and then kill you.\u201d<\/p>\n<p>The woman who sold him the book had never told him her name, but he wondered suddenly if it was Mathilde, for it seemed most everything in the book reminded him of his wife he thought he\u2019d lost, yet was apparently still back at the Ponderosa. <em>Why?<\/em><\/p>\n<p>A tear-splotched page with another poem, unattributed, though Adam recognized it immediately as part of a Petrarch sonnet:<\/p>\n<p><em>From him among you, who has felt love\u2019s pain<\/em><\/p>\n<p><em>I hope for pardon, ay, and pity\u2019s smile\u2026<\/em><\/p>\n<p><em>Maybe that was what made her decide to go home<\/em>, he thought, but then he turned the page only to find a recipe for cornbread and three pages of \u201cclients\u201d\u2014dates, payments, but thankfully no services listed.<\/p>\n<p>A recipe for three-bean soup\u2014didn\u2019t this woman ever eat meat?<\/p>\n<p>Another journal entry, from May\u2014but this one nearly made him howl. \u201cD. tried to give me a music box tonight, but I wouldn\u2019t take it when he told me how he got it. That poor woman. I knew D. had killed people before, but never that he enjoyed it. I\u2019d go to the sheriff but that man scares the stuffing out of me. I\u2019ve got to get away from here. At least I don\u2019t know any murderers in Knoxville.\u201d<\/p>\n<p>With a chill, he wondered again about the woman\u2019s name\u2014she could have corroborated his testimony, and he\u2019d let her get away.<\/p>\n<p>He thought about that for a while. Just how strong a case did they have? No doubt Roy would tell him, but he didn\u2019t think he\u2019d like the answer.<\/p>\n<p>He gritted his teeth, looking back at the beginning of the book. Nothing helpful; no name, no address. No way of finding her. He\u2019d spent five hundred dollars on a book that could\u2019ve been worth a million\u2026but he\u2019d let her get away.<\/p>\n<p>A sigh as he returned to looking through the text.<\/p>\n<p>Another tear-blotted page\u2014\u201cIf I don\u2019t get out of here, I\u2019ll die or go mad. Maybe they won\u2019t let me back in the house, but I have to try.\u201d<\/p>\n<p>The last page was mostly blank. Just one little piece of copied poetry\u2014the last item in the book. The author\u2019s name was illegible, and it was a poem he had never seen before.<\/p>\n<p><em>I took a day to search for God<\/em><\/p>\n<p><em>And found him not, but as I trod<\/em><\/p>\n<p><em>By rocky ledge, through woods untamed<\/em><\/p>\n<p><em>Just where one scarlet lily flamed<\/em><\/p>\n<p><em>I saw his footprints in the sod.<\/em><\/p>\n<p>Adam closed the book, and with a long, shuddering sigh, curled into a ball and tried to pray.<\/p>\n<p><strong>Chapter 66<\/strong><\/p>\n<p><strong><em>September, 1875<\/em><\/strong><\/p>\n<p>They made Virginia City late the next morning, but if Adam and Joe had any illusions of simply handing over the prisoner and heading home, they were cured as soon as they walked into the sheriff\u2019s office, where a woman with hair between the color of a carrot and an angry sunset was shouting at the sheriff that a man was not allowed to walk into a doctor\u2019s examination room and drag a woman out, even if he was married to the woman in question. At the same time a man they did not know was shouting that women were not doctors, and so whatever rule there was\u2014if indeed there was such a rule\u2014did not apply in this case. At that, the freckles on the woman\u2019s face darkened as she shouted that she had medical licenses from England, France, Connecticut, and Nevada\u2014\u201cAnd if that\u2019s not evidence enough,\u201d she yelled, her blue eyes shooting sparks, \u201cHow about I perform an autopsy on this fella right now?\u201d<\/p>\n<p>\u201cI ain\u2019t dead!\u201d the man roared.<\/p>\n<p>\u201cI can remedy that!\u201d she retorted.<\/p>\n<p>For the first time in months, Adam and Joe found themselves grinning, but then the woman saw them. Somehow, she seemed to know them both. She straightened to her full height\u2014she barely reached Joe\u2019s shoulder\u2014and said, \u201cWell, it\u2019s about time you two got back.\u201d She looked from one to the other in contempt. \u201cYou should be ashamed,\u201d she told Joe. She turned her withering gaze on Adam. \u201cAnd <em>you<\/em> should be shot.\u201d<\/p>\n<p>With that, she flounced out of the office.<\/p>\n<p>\u201cWho in tunket was that?\u201d Joe asked Roy.<\/p>\n<p>Roy shook his head. \u201cI don\u2019t think y\u2019all are ready to know that yet. So who\u2019s this?\u201d<\/p>\n<p>\u201cDamion,\u201d Adam said.<\/p>\n<p>\u201cThe man who murdered my wife,\u201d Joe added.<\/p>\n<p>Roy looked at Adam.<\/p>\n<p>Adam shrugged. \u201cYou wanted it out in the open. It\u2019s all out in the open.\u201d He went into the events in Genoa, including the deaths of Sheriff Peabody\u2019s deputies.<\/p>\n<p>\u201cWhat\u2019ve you got to say for yerself?\u201d Roy asked Damion.<\/p>\n<p>\u201cI\u2019ll do my talking when my lawyer arrives,\u201d Damion said, sounding smugger than he looked.<\/p>\n<p>\u201cHuh.\u201d Roy took him back to a cell and emerged a moment later. \u201cSiddown, fellas.\u201d<\/p>\n<p>Joe dragged a chair over; Adam leaned against the wall, his arms crossed.<\/p>\n<p>\u201cYou know this is gonna be a long, hard row to hoe, right?\u201d Roy asked.<\/p>\n<p>\u201cWhat do you mean?\u201d Joe responded.<\/p>\n<p>\u201cWhere do I start?\u201d Roy muttered. \u201cThere\u2019s just not all that much evidence\u2026not the kind a judge and jury like to see. To get a feller hung, you need to prove beyond all doubt that he murdered somebody. Everything I see is disconnected. Juries like a clear chain of evidence with one piece linked to the next.<\/p>\n<p>\u201cLet\u2019s start with Alice\u2019s death. We have one witness: Adam. He didn\u2019t see her die, but he says he saw four men coming out of the house after Alice died. He\u2019s positively identified only one. Sounds like at least one of \u2019em is dead already, if the feller Beth Cartwright shot was there\u2026\u201d<\/p>\n<p>Joe and Adam exchanged a glance.<\/p>\n<p>\u201c\u2026and I\u2019ll lay odds that Damion and that feller in the cell down the hall can alibi each other six ways to Sunday that they wasn\u2019t even in Nevada when Alice died.\u201d<\/p>\n<p>\u201cBut Damion confessed,\u201d Adam said. \u201cHe and Hanley sat at a table with me while Damion told me that Hanley did whatever Damion told him, including murdering Alice. Hanley didn\u2019t say anything, but\u2014\u201d<\/p>\n<p>\u201cI don\u2019t doubt you, Adam,\u201d Roy replied. \u201cBut we still need corroboration, and you ain\u2019t got any. And where\u2019s Hanley?\u201d<\/p>\n<p>\u201cHe and Damion attacked us down by the Walker River. I shot Hanley. I can show you where I buried him; it\u2019s pretty shallow, so it ought to be easy to spot.\u201d<\/p>\n<p>\u201cUh. We can get Damion for attackin\u2019 you; at least.\u201d<\/p>\n<p>\u201cHe held a gun to my head and threatened to kill me,\u201d Joe put in.<\/p>\n<p>\u201cWell, good, that\u2019s solid too.\u201d<\/p>\n<p>\u201cYou have the music box!\u201d Adam snapped.<\/p>\n<p>\u201cWhat music box?\u201d<\/p>\n<p>\u201cAlice\u2019s\u2014the one that Damion was holding when he left the house. Sheriff Long said he was going to send it to you. It\u2019s evidence; it belonged to Alice and was found in his hotel room.\u201d<\/p>\n<p>\u201cOh, that. Yeah, but you know, a smart lawyer could say that someone put the box in that hotel room when Damion wasn\u2019t in it. Damion wasn\u2019t arrested in the hotel, y\u2019know\u2014he was down the street eatin\u2019 a steak.\u201d<\/p>\n<p>Adam pulled out the journal and pointed to the next-to-last page. \u201cI bought this book off a saloon girl.\u201d He held his breath as Roy read it.<\/p>\n<p>\u201cYou in the habit of buyin\u2019 books that contain murder accounts?\u201d<\/p>\n<p>Adam let his breath out explosively. \u201cI thought it was a real book!\u201d<\/p>\n<p>\u201cWhere\u2019s the woman?\u201d<\/p>\n<p>\u201cProbably in Tennessee by now,\u201d Adam admitted.<\/p>\n<p>\u201cAnd what\u2019s her name?\u201d<\/p>\n<p>\u201cI have no idea.\u201d<\/p>\n<p>Roy gave him a sour look. \u201cAll right; the book\u2019s useless too. Then there\u2019s the attack on your father. He\u2019s fine, by the way, ought to be back in the saddle in another day or two\u2014and we have a telegram that looks strange enough that it could\u2019ve been a coded order to kill somebody. It\u2019ll be hard to prove, though, since the only living attacker\u2014in the cell three doors from Mr. Damion\u2014says he don\u2019t know what I\u2019m talking about and he\u2019s just a mixed-up burglar who picked the wrong house to rob. And he attacked Will\u2019s family, not Ben.\u201d<\/p>\n<p>\u201cWhat about the two Genoa deputies?\u201d Joe asked. \u201cThey were hacked from stem to stern, and\u2014\u201d<\/p>\n<p>\u201cYeah, but again, seems Hanley was the one who did all the hackin\u2019, although you can\u2019t prove that either. I\u2019m willin\u2019 to bet Damion puts on his Sunday best in court and says he doesn\u2019t know how he survived bein\u2019 around that awful man Hanley\u2014and people will believe him.\u201d<\/p>\n<p>\u201cBut he\u2014\u201d<\/p>\n<p>\u201cHas no criminal record,\u201d Roy went on. \u201cHe\u2019s been suspected of things before, down in southern California, but nobody could ever prove anything. He has a registered business in California with an office in Nevada, so he\u2019s not a drifter with no right to be here. And his business is bringin\u2019 in whiskey, not operatin\u2019 a loan company at usurious rates. And whatever he admitted to in private, if he didn\u2019t admit it again in front of Joe or someone else who can corroborate what you say, Adam, then you could come outta this lookin\u2019 the worse for wear.\u201d<\/p>\n<p>Adam\u2019s eyebrows swooped down. \u201cHow?\u201d<\/p>\n<p>Roy looked embarrassed. \u201cIt\u2019s your word against Damion\u2019s, and while he could always say he never heard of Alice afore, he could also say he was there with his pal \u2018John Smith,\u2019 but the two of \u2019em left Alice alive and they saw you headin\u2019 to her house while they was leavin\u2019. And you did spend an awful lotta time with her, and they say most murders ain\u2019t done by strangers, but by other family members.\u201d<\/p>\n<p>Adam stood up straight. \u201cHe killed her, Roy.\u201d<\/p>\n<p>\u201cKnowin\u2019 it and provin\u2019 it\u2019s two different things, Adam. If we could get a confession, we\u2019d have a good chance, but as things are\u2014\u201d<\/p>\n<p>Joe jumped in. \u201cThe only thing we can get him for is attempted murder, or attempted kidnapping? And John Smith is just a burglar? What if we went back to the Walker River and dug up Hanley? I took a scalpel and a butcher knife and some other things off his body when we searched \u2019em.\u201d<\/p>\n<p>\u201cThat\u2019s fine, but we\u2019ll have a hard time provin\u2019 Damion was in on what Hanley did.\u201d<\/p>\n<p>Joe sighed. \u201cDamion turned yellow after we caught him, too,\u201d he mumbled. \u201cSaid it was all Hanley, that Hanley was a beast and would\u2019ve killed him too.\u201d<\/p>\n<p>\u201cI ain\u2019t surprised,\u201d Roy acknowledged. \u201cSorry, fellers.\u201d<\/p>\n<p>\u201cWait a minute.\u201d The notion just rolled over Adam like a freezing wave in the Snake River. \u201cWhen we searched him, Damion had a note\u2026\u2018Tucker and McCallum VC.\u2019 What if John Smith is\u2026you said you have Smith and Damion separated? If Smith was at the house that day, he knows me\u2014but he doesn\u2019t know Joe. Roy, will you deputize Joe?\u201d<\/p>\n<p style=\"text-align: center;\">**<\/p>\n<p>Roy and Joe, the latter thoroughly schooled by Adam, walked into John Smith\u2019s cell. Smith, who had been silent as a stone for most of his term so far, merely looked bored at their arrival.<\/p>\n<p>\u201cDon\u2019t believe you know my deppity Joseph Francis, do ya?\u201d Roy asked. \u201cHe\u2019s the one who brought in your pal Damion a little while ago.\u201d<\/p>\n<p>\u201cDon\u2019t know no Damion,\u201d Smith said, uninterested.<\/p>\n<p>\u201cThis is one of \u2019em, for sure,\u201d Joe declared. \u201cTucker, right? The telegram was picked up by you, as John Smith?\u201d<\/p>\n<p>\u201cDunno what you\u2019re talkin\u2019 about.\u201d<\/p>\n<p>\u201cI reckon you do,\u201d Roy said gently. \u201cSee, Howard down to the telegraph office done identified you as pickin\u2019 up the telegram sayin\u2019 \u2018Two knaves for three ladies.\u2019 And Damion\u2019s already done his singin\u2019. Like a little yeller canary when he got done.\u201d<\/p>\n<p>\u201cYeah, he told us about the telegram,\u201d Joe said. \u201cSo you and McCallum were authorized to \u2018play with\u2019 the ladies as much as you wanted before you killed \u2019em, is that so? Oh, and he told us all about Mr. Hanley\u2019s little medical school debacle.\u201d<\/p>\n<p>Tucker had gone pale, but again he began: \u201cDunno what\u2014\u201d<\/p>\n<p>\u201cDunno what we\u2019re talkin\u2019 about, right,\u201d said Joe. \u201cWell, we\u2019ve got the music box, and really we only need one testimony. Damion\u2019s the one with the fancy lawyer anyhow, so he\u2019ll blame everything on you and make it stick. Personally, I don\u2019t mind a bit. Just so long as we got somebody to hang, I don\u2019t care which of you it is.\u201d<\/p>\n<p>\u201cHey, wait a minute,\u201d Tucker said. \u201cWhat do you mean by that? I didn\u2019t kill anybody at that house you\u2019re talkin\u2019 about. Hell, I didn\u2019t even kill the people I was supposed to.\u201d<\/p>\n<p>\u201cThen why don\u2019t you tell us your story?\u201d Roy asked.<\/p>\n<p>\u201cDamion will kill me.\u201d<\/p>\n<p>Joe smiled. \u201cNot if he\u2019s swingin\u2019 from a rope. Or in jail\u2026forever.\u201d<\/p>\n<p>The man looked from him to Roy and back again.<\/p>\n<p>\u201cDamion shot Harper,\u201d Tucker began. \u201cBut it was Fenton\u2014\u201d<\/p>\n<p>\u201cNever heard of Fenton.\u201d<\/p>\n<p>\u201cThat\u2019s \u2019cause he\u2019s dead, ya dingus. He\u2019s the one the dog bit; the dog that Damion shot. And he held the woman so Hanley could slit her throat. I had nothin\u2019 to do with any of that. All I did was case the house for valuables. I gave Damion the music box, but I couldn\u2019t find anything else of value. And you won\u2019t find Fenton either; Damion killed him because he was stupid enough to get bit. He was slowin\u2019 the rest of us down.\u201d<\/p>\n<p>Joe\u2019s face went white at the mention of slitting Alice\u2019s throat, but aside from making a fist that would\u2019ve crushed granite, he did not react. \u201cWhat about McCallum?\u201d<\/p>\n<p>\u201cHe wasn\u2019t even there. Damion sent for him when the Cartwrights left town. But you didn\u2019t catch McCallum, did ya?\u201d<\/p>\n<p>\u201cNo\u2014he was killed by one of the Cartwrights,\u201d Roy said, and a little more of the bluster left Tucker\u2019s voice.<\/p>\n<p>\u201cHim and me, yeah, we were supposed to kill the women. Damion\u2019s orders. We knew better than to argue his orders, I\u2019ll tell ya\u2026he proved to us in California what happened to guys who didn\u2019t take his orders\u2026\u201d<\/p>\n<p>And Adam, listening behind the wall, smiled, thinking that now and then things did go right after all.<\/p>\n<p><strong>Chapter 67<\/strong><\/p>\n<p><strong><em>September, 1875<\/em><\/strong><\/p>\n<p>It was long after dark by the time Tucker signed his confession, and there was no point in two drained, weary men riding back to the Ponderosa on their equally exhausted horses. They stayed in the International House that night, first taking long, hot baths and having a good meal for the first time in months. Then Joe\u2014to Adam\u2019s surprise\u2014went to the nearest saloon. Adam took the expensive book he had purchased and sat reading for a while before going to bed.<\/p>\n<p>He couldn\u2019t get \u201cOne Scarlet Lily\u201d out of his mind. He had no idea who had written it, or if there was more to the poem than he had seen, but what was there made him shiver every time he read it. It seemed to him he\u2019d been looking for God\u2014even some proof that there was such a being\u2014all his life, and had yet to find any.<\/p>\n<p>He had pretty much given up all notion of religion after Marie\u2019s death. Tilly\u2019s beliefs were so firmly fixed\u2014and she was always ready to defend them\u2014that he had almost allowed himself to start believing again\u2026until everything had fallen apart. Tilly had believed, miscarriage after miscarriage, that everything would be all right\u2014and the reward had been a full-term, stillborn baby. No wonder she\u2019d lost her faith. No wonder she didn\u2019t want him anymore. She\u2019d left Max and come back with him out of duty\u2014he was sick and weak, so she\u2019d had to. She\u2019d pretty much told him that. She\u2019d stayed because of the baby. Why she\u2019d stayed after, he wasn\u2019t sure. And why she was still there\u2026well\u2026God only knew.<\/p>\n<p>He laughed at the thought.<\/p>\n<p>The next morning Joe was hungover and bleary. Adam shook him until he came to and then said, \u201cHey\u2014I\u2019m going now. See you back at the ranch, all right?\u201d<\/p>\n<p>\u201cLater. Turn down the lamp\u2014my eyes hurt.\u201d<\/p>\n<p>\u201cWe call that \u2018lamp\u2019 the sun,\u201d Adam advised. \u201cIt\u2019s daytime. See you at home, right?\u201d<\/p>\n<p>\u201cI guess.\u201d<\/p>\n<p>\u201cDammit, Joe, don\u2019t forget you wanted to come back\u2014you\u2019ve got a daughter waiting for you! I expect to see you home soon.\u201d<\/p>\n<p>\u201cYeah, yeah. Soon.\u201d<\/p>\n<p>Adam, on the other hand, had no idea what he was going back to\u2014he would not dare hypothesize further about Tilly. Audun was still there too, but he had no idea how that would go either. If the boy had really had a successful w\u00e1yakin quest, he probably thought he was a man now, and entitled to do as he liked without a father\u2019s input at all\u2026and if that was the case, there was only more trouble waiting down the road.<\/p>\n<p>He heard horses approaching as he neared the turn-off to the lake\u2014and the little family cemetery\u2014and slowed Sport down. The big chestnut tossed his head; he knew he was going home and he was impatient to get there. Adam wished he felt the same way, but\u2026<\/p>\n<p>Ben and Audun appeared then, and Adam sucked in his breath at the sight. Ben and Audun seemed taken aback, as well; they stopped their horses and just looked at him for a moment. Ben smiled, a hesitant, uncertain sort of smile, and nudged Buck forward. Audun followed on his flashy Appaloosa, Falcon, but he looked as stern as a father about to apply a necessary talk.<\/p>\n<p>\u201cWelcome back,\u201d Ben said, extending a hand. \u201cWhere\u2019s your brother?\u201d<\/p>\n<p>\u201cHe\u2019s at the International House. We stayed in town last night.\u201d Adam swallowed. \u201cI, uh, heard you\u2019d been shot. Glad you\u2019re all right.\u201d<\/p>\n<p>Ben smiled as Buck danced nervously. \u201cI recovered in typical Cartwright fashion, as you used to say. I\u2019m fine. What came of\u2026your adventures?\u201d<\/p>\n<p>\u201cWe captured one of the men responsible for Alice\u2019s death. Another is dead. The one who tried to kill Laura and Peggy confessed last night and implicated Damion. If Damion doesn\u2019t hang, he\u2019ll probably get life in prison; I think any unbiased jury would find him guilty.\u201d<\/p>\n<p>\u201cI\u2019m glad to hear it\u2014but how are you and Joe?\u201d<\/p>\n<p>Adam shrugged, shushing to Sport as the big gelding tossed his head. \u201cWe\u2019re all right. I\u2019m on the way home, as you can see. And Joe should be along soon as he wakes up.\u201d<\/p>\n<p>Somehow, Ben looked disappointed, but he did not pursue the topic any further as he reined the fidgety Buck around again. \u201cWell\u2026if you\u2019ve just come from town, you\u2019ll have heard all the news. We\u2019re going there ourselves\u2014Audun, did you want to stay?\u201d<\/p>\n<p>\u201cI will catch up to you, Grandfather, after I speak to my father.\u201d<\/p>\n<p>\u201cAll right. Oh\u2014Adam, about Tilly\u2026\u201d<\/p>\n<p>\u201cWhere is she?\u201d<\/p>\n<p>Ben pointed toward the lake road, and Adam felt the blood drain from his face.<\/p>\n<p>\u201cWhat happened to her?\u201d his voice sounded muffled; he heard the Krupp guns in his ears again.<\/p>\n<p>\u201cShe said she just needed a few minutes of peace and quiet,\u201d Ben chuckled. \u201cShe\u2019s had a hard few months since you\u2019ve been gone, and the last couple of weeks especially. Well, I\u2019ll see you later.\u201d<\/p>\n<p>\u201cHuh? Wait, she\u2014she\u2019s not dead, then?\u201d<\/p>\n<p>Ben tilted his head. \u201cWhat? No; good Lord, what <em>did<\/em> you hear in town? Is the Widows\u2019 Brigade at it again? They were spreading rumors after the accident that she had died, too.\u201d<\/p>\n<p>\u201cI just thought\u2014you were pointing at the cemetery.\u201d<\/p>\n<p>Ben chuckled. \u201cYou let your education interfere with your thinking. Again. Lord, son. Look, I wanted to tell you where she was so you could talk to her. From what she\u2019s told me, the two of you need to have a long, long talk\u2026well, anyway, I\u2019m glad you\u2019re back. I\u2019m sure you\u2019ll have more to say at home. Wait until you see\u2014\u201d<\/p>\n<p>\u201cI\u2019ll see Tilly first,\u201d Adam snapped. \u201cAnything else will wait till I talk to her.\u201d<\/p>\n<p>\u201cAll right,\u201d Ben said, looking doubtful. He turned his horse and cantered away.<\/p>\n<p>Adam looked at Audun, and felt himself shrivel at the look on the boy\u2019s face. He forced himself to be calm. He could handle a twelve-year-old. \u201cYou\u2019ve gotten taller,\u201d he said. \u201cAnd I think you need a haircut.\u201d The black curls covered his ears and almost reached his shoulders.<\/p>\n<p>\u201cYou were gone almost six months,\u201d Audun replied. \u201cPlenty of time for me and my hair to grow. Will there ever be a time, Father, when you actually stay where you are needed?\u201d<\/p>\n<p>Adam sat a little straighter in the saddle. \u201cI was where I was needed. Joe needed me.\u201d<\/p>\n<p>\u201cMy mother needed you, too. And so did I.\u201d<\/p>\n<p>\u201cYour mother?\u201d Adam swallowed as age-old doubts surfaced again. \u201cI told you\u2014\u201d<\/p>\n<p>\u201cMy mother\u2014<em>Tilly<\/em>. She needed you here, and you left. Did you ask the Creator for wisdom this time, to know whose need was more urgent? Or did you run away? Because it looked to me like you were running away. My mother nearly died twice after you left.\u201d<\/p>\n<p>\u201cWhat\u2019s this about an accident?\u201d<\/p>\n<p>\u201cShe was knocked down by a horse.\u201d Audun looked at the ground. \u201cMy cousin and I took care of her. She is all right now\u2026but tired. The babies demand a lot of time, of course. And now I have answered your question, while you have yet to answer mine.\u201d<\/p>\n<p>Funny how you could be proud of someone\u2014his mind, his practicality, his honor\u2014and hate him at the same time because he was calling into question those same virtues in you. \u201cAll right,\u201d Adam said. \u201cJoe needed me. <em>And<\/em> I ran away. With regard to Tilly\u2014that\u2019s between us, and will be settled between us. And as far as you needing me\u2026I didn\u2019t think you did. You seemed pretty determined to follow your own path, no matter what I said.\u201d<\/p>\n<p>Audun thought it over. \u201cMaybe this is so. I did not mean it to be.\u201d<\/p>\n<p>\u201cNeither did I.\u201d Adam cleared his throat. \u201cDid you find your w\u00e1yakin?\u201d<\/p>\n<p>\u201cHe found me. The others at the house know, sort of\u2026for reasons beyond my control. But I will announce him at the winter dance.\u201d<\/p>\n<p>\u201cAre you going back to the Nimiipuu, then?\u201d How calm he sounded, when suddenly he wanted to scream.<\/p>\n<p>\u201cThe first snowfall always brings a dance. I don\u2019t have to be with the tribe to do it. I will dance here. I have told the family and friends. You may watch, too, if you like.\u201d<\/p>\n<p>\u201cI would like that.\u201d<\/p>\n<p>For the first time since they\u2019d seen each other, Audun looked uncertain. \u201cFather\u2026do you think I look more like a man now?\u201d<\/p>\n<p>Adam cleared his throat again. He was going to need to drink half the lake at this rate. \u201cI think you do,\u201d he said, his throat feeling like it had been sandpapered. \u201cYou carry yourself well.\u201d<\/p>\n<p>\u201cMy mother is taking a little while to relax,\u201d Audun volunteered. \u201cShe\u2019s been busy with little help\u2014Beth is at the store, and Uncle Hoss just came back from a week in Carson City. She\u2019s tired, so Uncle Hoss watched the babies today and let her rest a while. Hop Sing is in town\u2026he\u2019s getting married, you know.\u201d<\/p>\n<p>\u201cI didn\u2019t! <em>Our<\/em> Hop Sing?\u201d<\/p>\n<p>For the first time, Audun smiled. \u201cHer name is Su Ling\u2014she works for Dr. Kam. You must not have been in town long; everyone is talking about it. But surely you heard about\u2026\u201d<\/p>\n<p>Adam stared up the lake road, in no mood for town gossip. \u201cI guess I\u2019d best go up and see Tilly. Did you want to come?\u201d<\/p>\n<p>\u201cNo; Dr. Kam is teaching me about acupuncture. I need to go, and you need to talk to my mother. Father\u2026\u201d Audun sat tall. \u201cIt is between the two of you, yes. But I must give you some advice. Man to man.\u201d<\/p>\n<p>For a moment, Adam thought he might laugh\u2014and break the trust he was working so hard to restore\u2014but he managed to keep his face neutral. \u201cWhat\u2019s that?\u201d<\/p>\n<p>\u201cMy mother and I talked about you, and why you left. Protection is fine for babies and children. But not for adults. For adults, truth is best, no matter what.\u201d<\/p>\n<p>\u201cI\u2019ll, uh, remember that.\u201d He watched in puzzled silence as Audun leaned forward a little, and his black-spotted pony switched his tail and took off at a brisk lope. Then he frowned and turned Sport toward the lake road. Sport, thwarted in his plan to go home, tossed his head and laid his ears back, but Adam insisted, and Sport blew out a snort and trotted up the trail. A large dark shadow appeared ahead, and suddenly Duke was running toward him, barking with joy.<\/p>\n<p>\u201cWell, hello there!\u201d Adam cried, leaning down to pet the jumping, cavorting dog. <em>My father still loves me; my son still loves me; my dog still loves me. And where Duke is, Tilly can\u2019t be too far off\u2026maybe there\u2019s still hope, after all<\/em>. He saw Pepper Nell grazing in the distance, and knew Tilly was nearby. He ran down the list of things he had in mind to ask her, to tell her\u2014and then he saw her.<\/p>\n<p><strong>Chapter 68<\/strong><\/p>\n<p><strong><em>September, 1875<\/em><\/strong><\/p>\n<p>Tilly was clad only in a chemise, sunning herself on a rock Adam remembered as a diving spot when he and Hoss and Joe had come here as youngsters. She sat up in surprise and grabbed her dress, covering herself\u2014until she recognized him. Then she dropped the dress and rose to her bare feet, jumping down nimbly and crossing her arms. Her face flushed, she fixed her unwavering scrutiny on him\u2014and everything he\u2019d had in mind to say suddenly evaporated, leaving him staring at her without a thought in his head.<\/p>\n<p>\u201cI expect,\u201d she said slowly, \u201cthat you decided to beard me here because I was certain not to be carryin\u2019 a skillet. But there\u2019s at least three good rocks within reach, and if you tell me some half-baked piddle like what was in that note you left, I\u2019ll throw all three before you can run.\u201d<\/p>\n<p>He said the only thing he could come up with: \u201cWhat are you doing here?\u201d<\/p>\n<p>\u201cI live here.\u201d<\/p>\n<p>\u201cBut I thought you wanted to go\u2026\u201d<\/p>\n<p>\u201cYou thought like Lit. Not for the first time.\u201d<\/p>\n<p>Well, he\u2019d heard her say that before; he knew what it meant, and he might have raised his voice if she hadn\u2019t gone on: \u201cIf you want me to leave, Adam, I\u2019ll go. But only if you don\u2019t love me. Not because you got some silly idea stuck in your head and let it eat away at your insides.\u201d<\/p>\n<p>\u201cYou mean about Max?\u201d He stayed in the saddle, hooking one leg over the horn. The way this conversation was going, it might not be safe to dismount. \u201cDidn\u2019t seem that silly to me, especially not when you confirmed it.\u201d<\/p>\n<p>She half-smiled. \u201cPlease be so kind as to tell me exactly what you think you know about Max. Don\u2019t spare my delicate sensibilities. I don\u2019t need protecting. Make believe you\u2019re down at the Sazerac talking to Flora.\u201d<\/p>\n<p>\u201cYou talked to Flora?\u201d he blurted.<\/p>\n<p>\u201cRight before I persuaded her to leave town,\u201d Tilly said. \u201cNow, what\u2019s this about Max?\u201d<\/p>\n<p>Adam refused to look at her. \u201cYou were in love with him. That\u2019s what he told me. And after Alice died, I asked you if your feelings about him had changed, and you said no.\u201d<\/p>\n<p>\u201cNo, my feelings haven\u2019t changed. I hate him as much now as I did when I killed him.\u201d<\/p>\n<p>\u201cWhat?\u201d<\/p>\n<p>\u201cYou heard me.\u201d Her tone was placid. \u201cI killed him. Not the way a good Christian oughtta feel, I know, but on the rare occasions when I think of Max, my liver turns into a brick. He spent weeks lying to me about you, trying to make me go away with him. I wouldn\u2019t. Then one day he marched in and tried to take me\u2014physically. By force. I rammed a coconut husking stick through him and was glad to do it.\u201d<\/p>\n<p>\u201cYou\u2026what?\u201d<\/p>\n<p>\u201cWell, it seemed like a good idea at the time.\u201d<\/p>\n<p>\u201cYou <em>killed<\/em> Max?\u201d<\/p>\n<p>\u201cYes\u2026but killing him didn\u2019t make him go away. I don\u2019t know what your nightmares are about, Adam, but Max is usually in mine. He still visits me a few nights every month. And in the dreams, sometimes I kill him; sometimes I run until I can\u2019t breathe anymore, and sometimes I fight but it doesn\u2019t do any good. That\u2019s what I dream about. And I wake up feeling soiled, like a\u2026a murderer, and a whore.\u201d She looked up with a sardonic smile. \u201cSomeone Adam Cartwright surely wouldn\u2019t want, someone even God couldn\u2019t love.\u201d<\/p>\n<p>He wasn\u2019t quite sure when all the air left his lungs, but he found himself deflated: what do you when an idea you\u2019ve held in your head for so long that it\u2019s taken root in your heart suddenly turns out as worthless as a three-legged horse? \u201cBut\u2026Tilly, I\u2026\u201d<\/p>\n<p>\u201cNow tell me to leave,\u201d Tilly said. \u201cBut know this first: it doesn\u2019t matter to me that you\u2019re the most mule-headed, obstinate, and sometimes outright hateful man I ever knew. I loved you from the first time we danced together. I imagine I will stop loving you someday. Probably when I\u2019m buried over there, beside Lily. But I won\u2019t ever leave you unless you make me go.\u201d<\/p>\n<p>He gulped a little. He wanted to remove his foot from the stirrup, jump down, and gather her into his arms. What he did was jump down with the toe of his boot still caught in the stirrup and land on his face with a yelp and a curse, and had Tilly not grabbed the reins, Sport would have dragged him back to the Ponderosa.<\/p>\n<p>Managing at last to extricate his foot from the stirrup, he got slowly to his feet and drank her in, knowing suddenly how those Israelites had felt wandering in the desert for forty years. He\u2019d only done it a few months, and he\u2019d nearly driven himself mad.<\/p>\n<p>\u201cYou\u2019re gonna have a black eye,\u201d she said, laying a soft, cool hand on his face. \u201cAnd everybody\u2019ll think I gave it to you.\u201d<\/p>\n<p>\u201cI deserve it.\u201d He took her hand and kissed it. \u201cYou\u2019re right. Can you forgive a mule-headed, obstinate, sometimes hateful\u2026and occasionally very stupid, man?\u201d<\/p>\n<p>She pulled him to her, stretching herself up like a sunflower reaching for the morning sky. He kissed her, marveling that some things never got old, no matter how often you did them, and that it might be fall, the season of death\u2014but for him, Tilly was always spring, and life.<\/p>\n<p style=\"text-align: center;\">**<\/p>\n<p>\u201cWho is Ross Marquette?\u201d she asked as they sat on the rock, looking out over the lake, with Duke squashed between them, licking their interlocked hands.<\/p>\n<p>\u201cA friend of mine\u2026who died a long time ago,\u201d he responded, looking puzzled.<\/p>\n<p>\u201cYour father told me to ask you about him. Somehow\u2026\u201d She blushed. \u201cSomehow I wasn\u2019t able to tell him what I did to Max. But I think he figured it out. He told me I should tell you the whole story of Max, leaving nothing out\u2026and that I should ask you about Ross.\u201d<\/p>\n<p>\u201cMy father is also a mule-headed, obstinate, and occasionally hateful man\u2014but he can be incredibly perceptive. I never told him the whole story about Ross, either, but I think he figured it out.\u201d Adam got up, reached for her hand and pulled her to her feet. \u201cLet\u2019s take a walk.\u201d<\/p>\n<p>She smiled. \u201cLet me put my dress back on first; people will talk.\u201d<\/p>\n<p>He grinned back. \u201cWhen did that ever matter to you?\u201d But he waited, while Duke ran an enthusiastic circle around him.<\/p>\n<p>\u201cTell me about Ross,\u201d Tilly said as they walked.<\/p>\n<p>He stopped for a moment, near Lily\u2019s grave, and looked thoughtfully at it. \u201cIt would take days.\u201d<\/p>\n<p>Her lips upturned a little. \u201cWe\u2019ve got a little time.\u201d<\/p>\n<p>He turned and headed into the woods, pulling Tilly along. Duke followed, his ears pricked forward in curiosity.<\/p>\n<p>\u201cWell\u2026I called him \u2018Skinny\u2019 because that\u2019s what he was\u2014he could eat all day and never gain a pound. We got into all kinds of trouble when we were kids. I was so serious back then I\u2019d make Audun look like a clown; Ross was the one who brought me out of my shell.\u201d He shook his head. \u201cAnd then he fell in love, but he didn\u2019t have the nerve to tell the girl. I finally bet him my horse that she liked him, too. Well, you remember my horse, Beauty\u2014Ross really wanted him. So he asked Delphine to dance, and nearly died when she said yes. What he didn\u2019t know was that Del had asked me if Ross might like her, because she sure liked him. I stood best man for him when he married her. I thought they made a perfect couple\u2026they adored each other.\u201d<\/p>\n<p>He fell silent, and Tilly prompted, \u201cBut something changed.\u201d<\/p>\n<p>\u201cHe got sick. I don\u2019t know what it was\u2026it was like one of those diseases in that book you got from Doc Martin.\u201d<\/p>\n<p>\u201cAdam, you should know\u2014I got that book because I was worried that I was losing my mind. Not because I thought you were losing yours.\u201d<\/p>\n<p>\u201cMaybe we both were.\u201d Adam looked down. \u201cMaybe what Ross had is something anybody can get. Maybe it just requires enough hate in a heart to feed it, to eat away at us.\u2026Anyway, I don\u2019t know, but whatever it was, Ross got violent\u2026fell in with a gang and ended up turning worse than the rest of them. He attacked Del. I found her. She died in my arms. I knew then that he was as mad as a rabid dog. And I knew I\u2019d have to stop him. Whether it was putting him out of his misery or just keeping him from killing another innocent\u2026we went looking for him, supposedly to take him in, but don\u2019t you believe that. I went off alone, and I knew before I left the house that I was going to kill him\u2014shoot him like a rabid dog. And I did.\u201d<\/p>\n<p>\u201cI knew before Max came that day that I was going to kill him, too.\u201d<\/p>\n<p>\u201cBut you had to; he would\u2019ve hurt you otherwise.\u201d<\/p>\n<p>\u201cJust like you had to kill Ross, but I bet knowing that doesn\u2019t help you. I wanted to kill Max, and I did. When I lost Lily\u2026I thought maybe that was why.\u201d<\/p>\n<p>\u201cYou know better.\u201d His tone was sharp. \u201cI\u2019m the one who doesn\u2019t believe in anything. You\u2019re the one who told me God doesn\u2019t work that way.\u201d<\/p>\n<p>\u201cWell, I wasn\u2019t thinking right for a while\u2026maybe you\u2019re right about all that hate eating away at us. Maybe it\u2019s time to stop.\u201d<\/p>\n<p>\u201cI\u2026I know I\u2019m not quite right yet.\u201d He looked at her, and she saw that time-ravaged soul again. \u201cDo you think if we stopped hating, we\u2019d mend?\u201d<\/p>\n<p>\u201cSeems like we\u2019ve both got no place to go but up, and no way to find out without trying,\u201d she said. \u201cRoss and Max are both dead. At best, it seems foolish to waste our time letting their hate hurt us. And without the hate, maybe there\u2019d be more room for love.\u201d<\/p>\n<p>\u201cThere\u2019s a thought,\u201d he said. He turned then, leading her through a narrow gap in the trees that might have been a trail.<\/p>\n<p>\u201cWhere are we going?\u201d she asked.<\/p>\n<p>\u201cI want to see Lady\u2019s grave.\u201d<\/p>\n<p>\u201cYou buried her up here? I wondered where.\u201d<\/p>\n<p>\u201cI knew I couldn\u2019t put her in the family plot, but if Roy told you what happened\u2014\u201d<\/p>\n<p>\u201cHe did.\u201d<\/p>\n<p>\u201cThen you know she deserved a place near the family.\u201d<\/p>\n<p>\u201cI would\u2019ve thought so anyway\u2026what\u2019s wrong?\u201d<\/p>\n<p>His gasp and sudden stop made her freeze in something between curiosity and fear; his ragged breathing made her wonder if his heart was failing him. \u201cAdam, what is it?\u201d<\/p>\n<p>He took another step and fell to his knees by the crudely carved marker at the head of the little grave. She looked over his bowed, shaking shoulder\u2026and saw a single scarlet lily bursting through the dull brown pine needles.<\/p>\n<p>Adam turned toward her. \u201cYou\u2026wouldn\u2019t\u2026believe\u2026oh, Tilly!\u201d Clutching the folds of her skirt, he took another shuddering breath. She dropped to her knees beside him and held him, and Duke licked away the tears.<\/p>\n<p><strong>Chapter 69<\/strong><\/p>\n<p><strong><em>September, 1875<\/em><\/strong><\/p>\n<p>He was still a little unsteady when they made their way back to Sport and Pepper Nell, and surprisingly silent as they mounted and turned back toward the house. \u201cAre you all right?\u201d she finally asked him.<\/p>\n<p>\u201cYeah\u2026look, what happened back there\u2026\u201d<\/p>\n<p>She looked down. \u201cWhat happened back there is between you, me, and Duke. And I\u2019m pretty sure Duke won\u2019t tell.\u201d<\/p>\n<p>\u201cHe has a lot of Lady\u2019s finer qualities,\u201d Adam agreed.<\/p>\n<p>\u201cAnd her worse ones. He also likes bathing in what Audun cleans out of the horse stalls.\u201d<\/p>\n<p>He smiled, but sobered quickly. \u201cIt\u2019s all been so strange, Tilly. These last few months\u2026Damion\u2026Max\u2026I don\u2019t know, maybe I really am losing my mind.\u201d He laughed. \u201cYou know, there was a girl\u2014never saw her before in my life, a red-haired woman in town\u2014walked up to me and said I needed to be shot. I dunno about that, but maybe I do need to soak my head in cold water\u2014\u201d<\/p>\n<p>\u201cYou met Charlotte!\u201d Tilly said, clearly delighted. \u201cMy cousin\u2014I got hurt a while back, she doctored me and delivered\u2026hey, did she tell you anything else?\u201d<\/p>\n<p>\u201cI kinda thought that was enough.\u201d<\/p>\n<p>\u201cWait, you met Ben and Audun on the way here\u2026didn\u2019t they mention anything special?\u201d<\/p>\n<p>Adam considered. \u201cAudun said Hop Sing\u2019s getting married.\u201d<\/p>\n<p>Her eyes widened. \u201cThat\u2019s all he told you? I thought for sure they would\u2019ve said\u2026\u201d<\/p>\n<p>\u201cWhat else was there to tell?\u201d<\/p>\n<p>She burst out laughing. \u201cWell\u2014a lot happened while you were gone, and it appears you don\u2019t know it. I thought someone would have told you; Lord knows they\u2019re gossiping enough.\u201d<\/p>\n<p>\u201cI know about Pa and Beth getting attacked. I know about the fella who tried to attack Laura and Peggy.\u201d<\/p>\n<p>\u201cBesides that.\u201d<\/p>\n<p>\u201cWell, I guess that\u2019s all I know. Except that\u2026well\u2026\u201d he flushed from his hat to his shirt. \u201cI know you promised you\u2019d wean Rob when he was a yearling, and you haven\u2019t done it yet.\u201d<\/p>\n<p>\u201cAs a matter of fact, I did wean him. He\u2019s even sleeping in Hoss\u2019s room now, and he\u2019s drinking goat\u2019s milk from a little cup that Hop Sing made for him.\u201d<\/p>\n<p>\u201cBut\u2026\u201d he sighed, and seemed to steel himself. \u201cWho have you taken pity on now?\u201d<\/p>\n<p>\u201cNobody.\u201d<\/p>\n<p>\u201cBut you\u2019re\u2026you\u2019re nursing a baby now.\u201d<\/p>\n<p>\u201cNo, I\u2019m not.\u201d She gave him a smile Mona Lisa would have envied. \u201cI\u2019m nursing two.\u201d<\/p>\n<p>\u201c<em>What?<\/em> Whose are they this time?\u201d<\/p>\n<p>\u201cYours. Race you back to the house.\u201d She dug her heels into Pepper Nell\u2019s sides, and the roan mare flicked her ears and broke into a gallop.<\/p>\n<p style=\"text-align: center;\">**<\/p>\n<p>He was standing in the middle of the living room, looking from one to the other of the twins in a moment of absolute wonder\u2026<\/p>\n<p>\u2026broken when Tilly handed him the birth records.<\/p>\n<p>\u201cHow dare you?\u201d Adam roared, his voice reverberating throughout the Ponderosa like Ben Cartwright on a rampage, and Tilly looked back with complete equanimity as the babies began to squall.<\/p>\n<p>\u201cIt\u2019s your own fault,\u201d she said.<\/p>\n<p>He hurled his dusty hat across the room. \u201cYou named my son Pierre Gustave Beauregard Cartwright? You named my daughter Varina Davis Savannah Cartwright? You named my children after a major Rebel general and Jefferson Davis\u2019s wife?\u201d<\/p>\n<p>\u201cWell, if you\u2019d wanted them named after Yankees, you should have bloody well stayed here.\u201d And with that, she marched into the kitchen, taking them along.<\/p>\n<p>\u201cHow was I supposed to know if you didn\u2019t tell me?\u201d<\/p>\n<p>Her voice floated back: \u201cYou might have seen if you\u2019d bothered looking!\u201d<\/p>\n<p>He swung to face Hoss. \u201cHow could you let her do this? How could Pa let her do this?\u201d<\/p>\n<p>\u201cPa didn\u2019t much like it\u2026but I was on her side,\u201d Hoss replied calmly. \u201cYou an\u2019 Joe went off and left me like a dead leaf. I been doin\u2019 nothing but workin\u2019 cattle and takin\u2019 care of babies and listening to Nimiipuu legends for six months. It\u2019s a wonder my head\u2019s still on straight. Don\u2019t expect sympathy from me.\u201d His voice softened. \u201cIf it helps you any, we don\u2019t call \u2019em by their whole names. The boy is Beau, and the little gal is Button, on account of she has your nose.\u201d<\/p>\n<p>Adam stared at him a moment before he sighed and picked up his longsuffering hat.<\/p>\n<p>\u201cI reckon I\u2019ll let you and Tilly work things out here,\u201d Hoss said. \u201cI\u2019ve about had it with Joe stayin\u2019 drunk all the time, too. You ain\u2019t been able to cure him of it, and it\u2019s just as obvious that Pa ain\u2019t gonna be able to either, but I by-God can and I\u2019m by-God gonna. I\u2019m goin\u2019 into town now, and I\u2019ll bring Bonnie Marie her daddy if I have to rope him and drag him back.\u201d<\/p>\n<p>\u201cI don\u2019t doubt it,\u201d Adam said with a grin. Then he followed Tilly into the kitchen.<\/p>\n<p>\u201cButton and Beau, huh?\u201d<\/p>\n<p>Her smile would have made the sun look dim. \u201cWould you like to hold them?\u201d<\/p>\n<p><strong>Chapter 70<\/strong><\/p>\n<p><strong><em>September, 1875<\/em><\/strong><\/p>\n<p>Joe waited patiently while the cards were dealt. Yeah, he\u2019d moved heaven and earth to get home, but having gotten back to Virginia City, he suddenly had no desire to go. And yeah, Adam had said \u201csee you there,\u201d and yeah, Ben and Audun had come by to visit and tell him of his daughter\u2019s latest antics. But truth to tell, he was terrified of the very notion of the Ponderosa. Going back meant remembering that he had left. Going back would be returning to the place where everything he loved had been taken away. And he knew Bonnie wouldn\u2019t remember him; worse, she always cried when strangers picked her up.<\/p>\n<p>Better to stay away. Here in town they knew him, liked him. Didn\u2019t hold it against him that he\u2019d been something of a jackass for a couple months. They understood. And poker players didn\u2019t mind anything he did; as long as he didn\u2019t cheat at cards, they\u2019d accept him. Yup. Here, he was safe.<\/p>\n<p>\u201cAnte up,\u201d said the dealer.<\/p>\n<p>\u201cOpen with twenty,\u201d said the man to Joe\u2019s left.<\/p>\n<p>Joe looked at his cards. \u201cCall.\u201d He tossed in two chips.<\/p>\n<p>\u201cCall,\u201d said the next fellow, following with his chips.<\/p>\n<p>\u201cRaise ya five,\u201d said the fourth player.<\/p>\n<p>\u201cHell. Fold,\u201d the fifth one snapped.<\/p>\n<p>\u201cWell, I\u2019m in,\u201d said the dealer. \u201cAnd let\u2019s make it interesting\u2014I\u2019ll raise ya ten.\u201d<\/p>\n<p>The betting went around the table again, and Joe heard the doors swing open behind him but ignored it. He wasn\u2019t here to fight, and everyone seemed to know it; the place was quiet as a tick burrowed into a fat, furry dog.<\/p>\n<p>Then a soft voice behind him said, \u201cFold, Joe.\u201d<\/p>\n<p>That was the one thing he hadn\u2019t counted on hearing. \u201cWell, Hoss.\u201d He didn\u2019t turn around. \u201cDidn\u2019t know you were up and around again. Glad you\u2019re okay.\u201d<\/p>\n<p>\u201cI\u2019m givin\u2019 you one last chance to fold,\u201d the soft voice said. \u201cThen I\u2019m decoratin\u2019 this table with your teeth.\u201d<\/p>\n<p>Joe considered that. Hoss usually wasn\u2019t one to bluff, but lately, he\u2019d been kinda puny.<\/p>\n<p>That was the last thought he had before the ham-sized fist grabbed his jacket collar and hauled him up. The chair crashed to the floor, and Joe would\u2019ve followed it but for the hand holding him up by the collar, like a puppy lifted up by the scruff of its neck. Another tug and he was fully upright, looking into his brother\u2019s uncompromising face.<\/p>\n<p>\u201cYou\u2019re needed at home,\u201d Hoss said.<\/p>\n<p>Red-faced, Joe tossed his cards down and stepped over the chair.<\/p>\n<p>\u201cAwwww,\u201d said one of the players. \u201cDoes mommy miss her widda boy?\u201d<\/p>\n<p>Joe turned back, but before he could say or do anything, the fist was on his collar again, and Hoss said, \u201cNo, his daughter misses her daddy. And if any you fellers got anything to say about that, yer teeth\u2019ll look just fine on the table, too.\u201d<\/p>\n<p>The man who\u2019d spoken suddenly found himself with nothing more to say.<\/p>\n<p>\u201cShe won\u2019t even know me!\u201d Joe protested as Hoss dragged him out.<\/p>\n<p>\u201cThen you\u2019ll both have things to learn, won\u2019t you?\u201d<\/p>\n<p><strong>Epilogue<\/strong><\/p>\n<p><strong><em>November, 1875<\/em><\/strong><\/p>\n<p>Five collies were chasing each other around in the back pasture, pouncing, growling, and nipping until Tilly called them. Then Honey, Gumbo, Bruce, Ceirdwyn and Duke reluctantly came and sat down. They didn\u2019t know what was going on, but from the silent sense of anticipation from the humans, it must be something special, so the dogs sat in a quiet line and looked outward.<\/p>\n<p>The moon was in its last quarter, the Frog sitting on its eye. The stars you could see through the gaps in the clouds were bright with the spirits of warriors who had long ago journeyed to live in the night skies; Tilly was certain Shmoqula was among them. She suspected Ruth was watching too; there was one distinctly proud-looking star giving off a pink-tinged light. But she didn\u2019t point it out to Adam, standing next to her\u2014he needed to keep his concentration on the rhythmic drum beats he was playing. Fringing off further to the left she could see Paul Martin shivering in the cold, and Kam Lee stood a few feet away, looking as peaceful as a verse of \u201cSilent Night.\u201d Hop Sing and Su Ling stood at her other side. The restaurant\u2014Hop\u2019s Mulligatawny\u2014would be opening next week, and they would all be there for Hop Sing, as befitted members of the family.<\/p>\n<p>And the snow came down, as softly as the footfalls of angels.<\/p>\n<p>Little Joe Cartwright\u2014stone cold sober, as he had been for nearly two months\u2014was inside, holding Bonnie Marie on his shoulders so she could see out the window. \u201cSee that? That\u2019s snow.\u201d<\/p>\n<p>\u201cNo,\u201d said Bonnie.<\/p>\n<p>\u201cSure it is. It\u2019s cold and it\u2019s white and it falls outta the sky, and your cousin Audun is about to dance in it so he can get pneumonia.\u201d<\/p>\n<p>\u201cNo.\u201d<\/p>\n<p>\u201cDo all babies go through a time when they only say \u2018no\u2019?\u201d Joe asked Charlotte.<\/p>\n<p>\u201cYup,\u201d Charlotte replied. \u201cBut not everybody who dances in snow gets pneumonia.\u201d<\/p>\n<p>\u201cNo,\u201d said Bonnie.<\/p>\n<p>\u201cWe\u2019ll hope fer better than pneumonia, anyway,\u201d Hoss said, at the window holding Rob.<\/p>\n<p>Outside, Audun whooped once, then leapt into the air.<\/p>\n<p>Charlotte was holding a twin in each arm, but they were sound asleep and uncaring of the ritual they were missing, as she grumbled on, \u201cHe runs off to the desert in the middle of the summer, and dances in the snow in winter. I\u2019m thinkin\u2019 that child didn\u2019t get enough whippin\u2019s when he was little.\u201d<\/p>\n<p>\u201cWouldn\u2019t\u2019ve made no difference,\u201d Hoss mumbled. Ben and Beth, holding hands and looking out the next window, murmured an agreement.<\/p>\n<p>The drum was Paiute, but by this time Audun was ready to accept that which could not be changed. He had no drum; the Paiute did. Adam had given them a cow in exchange for the drum. The rhythms, at least, were Nez Perce; Adam had heard plenty of those and could play them well. And all around the huge bonfire built in the pasture near the house, the first snow of the season fell and Adam kept time while Audun danced. Audun bounded toward the cruel moon and swooped back to Earth, his voice ranging from its own rapidly changing alto to the baritone it might one day become and up to a squeaky falsetto as he whooped and chanted and whirled.<\/p>\n<p>Finally he came to a halt, and his voice rose to the heavens and floated through the ranch house windows. \u201cHear me, sky and stars; hear me, my people far away and my people close to me! I am Audun Cartwright\u2026and I am P\u00e1yos Hayk\u00e1tic, the Eyes of the Serpent. My w\u00e1yakin is the Rattlesnake, and his wisdom will become mine.\u201d<\/p>\n<p>Hoss looked at Joe. \u201cDid our nephew just say his name is Snake Eyes?\u201d<\/p>\n<p>\u201cThat\u2019s what it sounded like to me,\u201d Joe giggled.<\/p>\n<p>\u201cWell I\u2019ll be danged,\u201d said Hoss. \u201cThink we oughtta teach him to shoot craps?\u201d<\/p>\n<p>\u201cHe might have an unfair advantage,\u201d Ben said, his voice sober\u2026but his eyes smiled.<\/p>\n<p><strong>Next Story in The Lilies Series:<\/strong><\/p>\n<p><a href=\"https:\/\/bonanzabrand.info\/library\/?p=12386\">The Strawberry Roan<\/a><\/p>\n<p>&nbsp;<\/p>\n<p>Tags:\u00a0 Adam Cartwright,\u00a0Ben Cartwright,\u00a0Family,\u00a0Hop Sing,\u00a0Hoss Cartwright,\u00a0Joe \/ Little Joe Cartwright<\/p>\n<div class=\"pvc_clear\"><\/div>\n<p id=\"pvc_stats_12351\" class=\"pvc_stats all  \" data-element-id=\"12351\" style=\"\"><i class=\"pvc-stats-icon medium\" aria-hidden=\"true\"><svg xmlns=\"http:\/\/www.w3.org\/2000\/svg\" version=\"1.0\" viewBox=\"0 0 502 315\" preserveAspectRatio=\"xMidYMid meet\"><g transform=\"translate(0,332) scale(0.1,-0.1)\" fill=\"\" stroke=\"none\"><path d=\"M2394 3279 l-29 -30 -3 -207 c-2 -182 0 -211 15 -242 39 -76 157 -76 196 0 15 31 17 60 15 243 l-3 209 -33 29 c-26 23 -41 29 -80 29 -41 0 -53 -5 -78 -31z\"\/><path d=\"M3085 3251 c-45 -19 -58 -50 -96 -229 -47 -217 -49 -260 -13 -295 52 -53 146 -42 177 20 16 31 87 366 87 410 0 70 -86 122 -155 94z\"\/><path d=\"M1751 3234 c-13 -9 -29 -31 -37 -50 -12 -29 -10 -49 21 -204 19 -94 39 -189 45 -210 14 -50 54 -80 110 -80 34 0 48 6 76 34 21 21 34 44 34 59 0 14 -18 113 -40 219 -37 178 -43 195 -70 221 -36 32 -101 37 -139 11z\"\/><path d=\"M1163 3073 c-36 -7 -73 -59 -73 -102 0 -56 133 -378 171 -413 34 -32 83 -37 129 -13 70 36 67 87 -16 290 -86 209 -89 214 -129 231 -35 14 -42 15 -82 7z\"\/><path d=\"M3689 3066 c-15 -9 -33 -30 -42 -48 -48 -103 -147 -355 -147 -375 0 -98 131 -148 192 -74 13 15 57 108 97 206 80 196 84 226 37 273 -30 30 -99 39 -137 18z\"\/><path d=\"M583 2784 c-38 -19 -67 -74 -58 -113 9 -42 211 -354 242 -373 16 -10 45 -18 66 -18 51 0 107 52 107 100 0 39 -1 41 -124 234 -80 126 -108 162 -133 173 -41 17 -61 16 -100 -3z\"\/><path d=\"M4250 2784 c-14 -9 -74 -91 -133 -183 -95 -150 -107 -173 -107 -213 0 -55 33 -94 87 -104 67 -13 90 8 211 198 130 202 137 225 78 284 -27 27 -42 34 -72 34 -22 0 -50 -8 -64 -16z\"\/><path d=\"M2275 2693 c-553 -48 -1095 -270 -1585 -649 -135 -104 -459 -423 -483 -476 -23 -49 -22 -139 2 -186 73 -142 361 -457 571 -626 285 -228 642 -407 990 -497 242 -63 336 -73 660 -74 310 0 370 5 595 52 535 111 1045 392 1455 803 122 121 250 273 275 326 19 41 19 137 0 174 -41 79 -309 363 -465 492 -447 370 -946 591 -1479 653 -113 14 -422 18 -536 8z m395 -428 c171 -34 330 -124 456 -258 112 -119 167 -219 211 -378 27 -96 24 -300 -5 -401 -72 -255 -236 -447 -474 -557 -132 -62 -201 -76 -368 -76 -167 0 -236 14 -368 76 -213 98 -373 271 -451 485 -162 444 86 934 547 1084 153 49 292 57 452 25z m909 -232 c222 -123 408 -262 593 -441 76 -74 138 -139 138 -144 0 -16 -233 -242 -330 -319 -155 -123 -309 -223 -461 -299 l-81 -41 32 46 c18 26 49 83 70 128 143 306 141 649 -6 957 -25 52 -61 116 -79 142 l-34 47 45 -20 c26 -10 76 -36 113 -56z m-2057 25 c-40 -58 -105 -190 -130 -263 -110 -324 -59 -707 132 -981 25 -35 42 -64 37 -64 -19 0 -241 119 -326 174 -188 122 -406 314 -532 468 l-58 71 108 103 c185 178 428 349 672 473 66 33 121 60 123 61 2 0 -10 -19 -26 -42z\"\/><path d=\"M2375 1950 c-198 -44 -350 -190 -395 -379 -18 -76 -8 -221 19 -290 114 -284 457 -406 731 -260 98 52 188 154 231 260 27 69 37 214 19 290 -38 163 -166 304 -326 360 -67 23 -215 33 -279 19z\"\/><\/g><\/svg><\/i> <img data-recalc-dims=\"1\" loading=\"lazy\" decoding=\"async\" width=\"16\" height=\"16\" alt=\"Loading\" src=\"https:\/\/i0.wp.com\/bonanzabrand.info\/library\/wp-content\/plugins\/page-views-count\/ajax-loader-2x.gif?resize=16%2C16&#038;ssl=1\" border=0 \/><\/p>\n<div class=\"pvc_clear\"><\/div>\n","protected":false},"excerpt":{"rendered":"<p>Summary: Adam and Joe leave the Ponderosa, perhaps for good, in the wake\u00a0of tragedy and misunderstanding. But the danger only Adam knew about is still with them. Note: the backstory is filled in gradually, through a series of nonsequential flashbacks.<\/p>\n<p>Rating&#8211;T. Contains some violence, mild language, a grisly murder scene and a couple of animal death scenes.\u00a0 (105,500 words)<\/p>\n<p>The Lilies Series, links to stories within the series are included.<\/p>\n","protected":false},"author":81,"featured_media":12352,"comment_status":"open","ping_status":"closed","sticky":false,"template":"template-full-width-post.php","format":"standard","meta":{"jetpack_post_was_ever_published":false,"_jetpack_newsletter_access":"","_jetpack_dont_email_post_to_subs":false,"_jetpack_newsletter_tier_id":0,"_jetpack_memberships_contains_paywalled_content":false,"_jetpack_memberships_contains_paid_content":false,"footnotes":""},"categories":[2,23,13],"tags":[],"class_list":["post-12351","post","type-post","status-publish","format-standard","has-post-thumbnail","hentry","category-actionadventure","category-drama","category-whn","wpcat-2-id","wpcat-23-id","wpcat-13-id"],"a3_pvc":{"activated":true,"total_views":4849,"today_views":1},"jetpack_featured_media_url":"https:\/\/i0.wp.com\/bonanzabrand.info\/library\/wp-content\/uploads\/2015\/12\/AdamJoeHP7.jpg?fit=399%2C299&ssl=1","jetpack_likes_enabled":true,"jetpack-related-posts":[{"id":29195,"url":"https:\/\/bonanzabrand.info\/library\/?p=29195","url_meta":{"origin":12351,"position":0},"title":"Stargazer (by BettyHT)","author":"BettyHT","date":"June 4, 2020","format":false,"excerpt":"SUMMARY:\u00a0 Father and son have a quiet talk in a special place and find that the past left an impact that affects decisions that have to be made. Rating = PG\u00a0 Word Count = 1673","rel":"","context":"In &quot;Ben \/ Adam&quot;","block_context":{"text":"Ben \/ Adam","link":"https:\/\/bonanzabrand.info\/library\/?cat=1016"},"img":{"alt_text":"","src":"https:\/\/i0.wp.com\/bonanzabrand.info\/library\/wp-content\/uploads\/2015\/12\/pizap.com14501142135691.jpg?fit=720%2C540&ssl=1&resize=350%2C200","width":350,"height":200,"srcset":"https:\/\/i0.wp.com\/bonanzabrand.info\/library\/wp-content\/uploads\/2015\/12\/pizap.com14501142135691.jpg?fit=720%2C540&ssl=1&resize=350%2C200 1x, https:\/\/i0.wp.com\/bonanzabrand.info\/library\/wp-content\/uploads\/2015\/12\/pizap.com14501142135691.jpg?fit=720%2C540&ssl=1&resize=525%2C300 1.5x, https:\/\/i0.wp.com\/bonanzabrand.info\/library\/wp-content\/uploads\/2015\/12\/pizap.com14501142135691.jpg?fit=720%2C540&ssl=1&resize=700%2C400 2x"},"classes":[]},{"id":2860,"url":"https:\/\/bonanzabrand.info\/library\/?p=2860","url_meta":{"origin":12351,"position":1},"title":"Flowers (by faust)","author":"faust","date":"March 27, 2012","format":false,"excerpt":"Five women, five flowers, each of them holding a special meaning. 990 words, rated K+ The Art-Universe series, links to all the stories within the series included.","rel":"","context":"In &quot;Drama&quot;","block_context":{"text":"Drama","link":"https:\/\/bonanzabrand.info\/library\/?cat=23"},"img":{"alt_text":"","src":"https:\/\/i0.wp.com\/bonanzabrand.info\/library\/wp-content\/uploads\/2014\/04\/000SueAndAdam-Kopie.jpg?fit=793%2C669&ssl=1&resize=350%2C200","width":350,"height":200,"srcset":"https:\/\/i0.wp.com\/bonanzabrand.info\/library\/wp-content\/uploads\/2014\/04\/000SueAndAdam-Kopie.jpg?fit=793%2C669&ssl=1&resize=350%2C200 1x, https:\/\/i0.wp.com\/bonanzabrand.info\/library\/wp-content\/uploads\/2014\/04\/000SueAndAdam-Kopie.jpg?fit=793%2C669&ssl=1&resize=525%2C300 1.5x, https:\/\/i0.wp.com\/bonanzabrand.info\/library\/wp-content\/uploads\/2014\/04\/000SueAndAdam-Kopie.jpg?fit=793%2C669&ssl=1&resize=700%2C400 2x"},"classes":[]},{"id":10721,"url":"https:\/\/bonanzabrand.info\/library\/?p=10721","url_meta":{"origin":12351,"position":2},"title":"The Lilies of the Field &#8211; Book 1 of the Lilies Series (by sandspur)","author":"sandspur","date":"March 15, 2015","format":false,"excerpt":"Summary: With Ben away, the Cartwright boys face down\u00a0poachers, a train robbery, a fire that nearly destroys the Ponderosa, a strange new school teacher and a lost dog. But when Ben returns, the biggest problem of all is gossip. \u00a0 Rating: T (mild language, mature themes, violence) \u00a0 WC 109,300\u2026","rel":"","context":"In &quot;Action\/Adventure&quot;","block_context":{"text":"Action\/Adventure","link":"https:\/\/bonanzabrand.info\/library\/?cat=2"},"img":{"alt_text":"","src":"https:\/\/i0.wp.com\/bonanzabrand.info\/library\/wp-content\/uploads\/2015\/03\/Adam-and-Ben-2.jpg?fit=400%2C320&ssl=1&resize=350%2C200","width":350,"height":200},"classes":[]},{"id":11970,"url":"https:\/\/bonanzabrand.info\/library\/?p=11970","url_meta":{"origin":12351,"position":3},"title":"The Lilies of the Valley&#8211;Book 2 of the Lilies series (by sandspur)","author":"sandspur","date":"October 10, 2015","format":false,"excerpt":"Summary: \u00a0Adam and Tilly go to Europe for the worst honeymoon ever, landing in the middle of a war to end up missing and presumed dead. Meanwhile, Ben, Joe, and Hoss move on with their lives, finding new friends and uncovering strange secrets from the past.\u00a0 Rating: T. Violence, character\u2026","rel":"","context":"In &quot;Action\/Adventure&quot;","block_context":{"text":"Action\/Adventure","link":"https:\/\/bonanzabrand.info\/library\/?cat=2"},"img":{"alt_text":"","src":"https:\/\/i0.wp.com\/bonanzabrand.info\/library\/wp-content\/uploads\/2016\/01\/vlcsnap-2015-12-13-01h47m48s177.png?fit=768%2C576&ssl=1&resize=350%2C200","width":350,"height":200,"srcset":"https:\/\/i0.wp.com\/bonanzabrand.info\/library\/wp-content\/uploads\/2016\/01\/vlcsnap-2015-12-13-01h47m48s177.png?fit=768%2C576&ssl=1&resize=350%2C200 1x, https:\/\/i0.wp.com\/bonanzabrand.info\/library\/wp-content\/uploads\/2016\/01\/vlcsnap-2015-12-13-01h47m48s177.png?fit=768%2C576&ssl=1&resize=525%2C300 1.5x, https:\/\/i0.wp.com\/bonanzabrand.info\/library\/wp-content\/uploads\/2016\/01\/vlcsnap-2015-12-13-01h47m48s177.png?fit=768%2C576&ssl=1&resize=700%2C400 2x"},"classes":[]},{"id":14592,"url":"https:\/\/bonanzabrand.info\/library\/?p=14592","url_meta":{"origin":12351,"position":4},"title":"Always (by BluewindFarm)","author":"BluewindFarm","date":"August 2, 2017","format":false,"excerpt":"Summary: \u00a0The days and weeks after one of the worst times on the Ponderosa culminates in a moment between father and son. \u00a0What should have happened. Rating: \u00a0G \u00a0(625 words) Remembering Hoss Series, links to stories within the series are included.","rel":"","context":"In &quot;Drama&quot;","block_context":{"text":"Drama","link":"https:\/\/bonanzabrand.info\/library\/?cat=23"},"img":{"alt_text":"","src":"","width":0,"height":0},"classes":[]},{"id":12133,"url":"https:\/\/bonanzabrand.info\/library\/?p=12133","url_meta":{"origin":12351,"position":5},"title":"Frightened Beyond Reason (by DebbieB)","author":"DebbieB","date":"June 1, 2002","format":false,"excerpt":"DebbieB passed away Christmas 2021. Any reader wishing to read this series should e:mail the Brandsters:\u00a0 Brandsters2020@gmail.com","rel":"","context":"In &quot;Drama&quot;","block_context":{"text":"Drama","link":"https:\/\/bonanzabrand.info\/library\/?cat=23"},"img":{"alt_text":"","src":"https:\/\/i0.wp.com\/bonanzabrand.info\/library\/wp-content\/uploads\/2014\/11\/2-joe.jpg?fit=237%2C221&ssl=1&resize=350%2C200","width":350,"height":200},"classes":[]}],"jetpack_sharing_enabled":true,"_links":{"self":[{"href":"https:\/\/bonanzabrand.info\/library\/index.php?rest_route=\/wp\/v2\/posts\/12351","targetHints":{"allow":["GET"]}}],"collection":[{"href":"https:\/\/bonanzabrand.info\/library\/index.php?rest_route=\/wp\/v2\/posts"}],"about":[{"href":"https:\/\/bonanzabrand.info\/library\/index.php?rest_route=\/wp\/v2\/types\/post"}],"author":[{"embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/bonanzabrand.info\/library\/index.php?rest_route=\/wp\/v2\/users\/81"}],"replies":[{"embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/bonanzabrand.info\/library\/index.php?rest_route=%2Fwp%2Fv2%2Fcomments&post=12351"}],"version-history":[{"count":0,"href":"https:\/\/bonanzabrand.info\/library\/index.php?rest_route=\/wp\/v2\/posts\/12351\/revisions"}],"wp:featuredmedia":[{"embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/bonanzabrand.info\/library\/index.php?rest_route=\/wp\/v2\/media\/12352"}],"wp:attachment":[{"href":"https:\/\/bonanzabrand.info\/library\/index.php?rest_route=%2Fwp%2Fv2%2Fmedia&parent=12351"}],"wp:term":[{"taxonomy":"category","embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/bonanzabrand.info\/library\/index.php?rest_route=%2Fwp%2Fv2%2Fcategories&post=12351"},{"taxonomy":"post_tag","embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/bonanzabrand.info\/library\/index.php?rest_route=%2Fwp%2Fv2%2Ftags&post=12351"}],"curies":[{"name":"wp","href":"https:\/\/api.w.org\/{rel}","templated":true}]}}