{"id":12678,"date":"2007-02-14T07:30:14","date_gmt":"2007-02-14T12:30:14","guid":{"rendered":"https:\/\/bonanzabrand.info\/library\/?p=12678"},"modified":"2026-07-22T13:59:25","modified_gmt":"2026-07-22T17:59:25","slug":"the-light-home-by-calim11","status":"publish","type":"post","link":"https:\/\/bonanzabrand.info\/library\/?p=12678","title":{"rendered":"The Light Home (by Calim11)"},"content":{"rendered":"

Summary:\u00a0 <\/strong>WHN – The Crucible<\/p>\n

Rating:\u00a0 T\u00a0 (22, 225 words)<\/p>\n

Sequel to \u201cWhat the Vultures Will Bring\u201d.\u00a0 The first story should be read prior to this one.\u00a0 What was lost was found but will Adam ever truly come home?<\/em><\/p>\n

Author\u2019s Note:\u00a0 I want to thank all of you who clamored for a sequel. It did my heart good! Here it is. I hope it holds up. Enjoy!<\/em><\/p>\n

What the Vultures Will Bring Series:<\/strong><\/p>\n

What the Vultures Will Bring<\/a>
\nThe Light Home<\/a><\/p>\n

The Light Home<\/strong><\/p>\n

THURSDAY \u2013 PRESENT DAY<\/u><\/p>\n

 <\/p>\n

Ben Cartwright rubbed his eyes and stretched feeling each and every muscle and tendon as they came awake to an aching reality. Flinching at the cramp in his calf, he hastily grabbed it, rubbing it away with both hands as he mumbled to himself that growing older was for the birds.<\/p>\n

 <\/p>\n

For just a moment, as his body rebelled, he forgot his troubles. That one blissful moment when everything just centered on his aches and pains was pure joy as the memories of these past weeks threatened to overtake him again. No, he would relish this diversion if only for the time it lasted.<\/p>\n

 <\/p>\n

It had been a long two days since that fateful night when he\u2019d found himself flat on the floor with his eldest boy\u2019s hands wrapped about his neck, screaming at the phantom that invaded his dreams. If it hadn\u2019t been for Hoss, Ben wasn\u2019t sure he would be here now. True, Adam wasn\u2019t in the best of shape but that nightmare had given him a fighting strength, a strength that fled as soon as he awoke, the realization of what he\u2019d done sending him deeper into the darkness that surrounded him. When he\u2019d awakened the next morning, he couldn\u2019t even bring himself to look Ben straight in the eye, not able to get past the red that marked his neck. It broke a father\u2019s heart to see tears gather in those long lashes before he turned away to stare out the window, silent and withdrawn.<\/p>\n

 <\/p>\n

\u201cDamn, Kane,\u201d Ben muttered, his blissful moment gone. Tossing aside the blanket, he sat up finding he\u2019d gone to bed in his clothes . . . again. \u201cLord, when will this all end?\u201d<\/p>\n

 <\/p>\n

Running hands through mussed hair, he stripped and gave himself a quick bird bath, then pulled clean clothes from the closet. A quick brushing of the teeth followed by a cursory glance then dismissal of his whiskered chin, he moved out of his room to check on Adam when raised voices downstairs stopped him mid-stride. Both angry at the clamor but curious just the same, he headed toward the voices, his calf giving him a twinge or two as he followed the noise into the kitchen.<\/p>\n

 <\/p>\n

\u201cKeep it down,\u201d Ben called from the entry, his deep tone silencing the three men where they stood. \u201cYour brother needs quiet.\u201d He looked at each of them wondering why Hoss and Joe were dressed in gun belts and hats so early in the morning, his gaze flicking toward Hop Sing who avoided the look altogether. Sudden chills swept through him.<\/p>\n

 <\/p>\n

\u201cWhat\u2019s wrong?\u201d he asked, all his anger gone as worry took its place.<\/p>\n

 <\/p>\n

\u201cPa . . .,\u201d Hoss quietly began.<\/p>\n

 <\/p>\n

\u201cIt\u2019s Adam, Pa,\u201d Joe interjected before Hoss could finish. \u201cHe\u2019s not here.\u201d<\/p>\n

 <\/p>\n

Ben knew it was early but he needed something a bit clearer than that. \u201cWhat do you mean he\u2019s not here?\u201d he asked.<\/p>\n

 <\/p>\n

\u201cHe no in house,\u201d Hop Sing added pulling Ben\u2019s attention.<\/p>\n

 <\/p>\n

\u201cHe ain\u2019t in the barn neither,\u201d Hoss noted.<\/p>\n

 <\/p>\n

\u201cSport\u2019s here, Pa, so he can\u2019t be far,\u201d Joe added as Ben looked at each in turn.<\/p>\n

 <\/p>\n

\u201cWell . . . go find him!\u201d Ben ordered. \u201cHe shouldn\u2019t be out on his own.\u201d He watched Joe rush out the side door while Hop Sing scuttled into the great room.<\/p>\n

 <\/p>\n

\u201cI check house again,\u201d the cook called over his shoulder as Ben nodded, stepping aside for Hoss who moved silently past, catching his attention only moments later when a startled gasp drifted in from the other room. Following the sound, he stepped into the dining room and around the corner to see his middle son standing in front of the open front door, his hand resting on something on the sideboard. \u201cHoss?\u201d<\/p>\n

 <\/p>\n

The big man swallowed and didn\u2019t turn not wanting to tell his father what he\u2019d found, show him what he held. Ben sidled up to him. \u201cHoss, what is it?\u201d<\/p>\n

 <\/p>\n

\u201cI didn\u2019t see this before,\u201d Hoss whispered, lowering his head and sighing, misery falling from him. How can I tell him?<\/em><\/p>\n

 <\/p>\n

\u201cWhat is it, boy?\u201d<\/p>\n

 <\/p>\n

Ben shuddered at the look Hoss gave him; it was the look he showed the world when his heart was breaking and it made his own heart slow damn near to a stop. It was then Ben saw what Hoss held and he sucked in a breath \u2013 Adam\u2019s empty holster.<\/p>\n

 <\/p>\n

\u201cHe took his new gun, Pa.\u201d Those words came out slowly and quietly and filled the room with their meaning.<\/p>\n

 <\/p>\n

Ben\u2019s heart sank into his stomach as he stared at the holster, remembering the moment they\u2019d found it in the desert tossed aside like it was nothing of importance; the only thing he could claim as his son\u2019s; the only thing he could bring home. Gently, he lifted it from Hoss\u2019 hands. \u201cMy God,\u201d he mumbled.<\/p>\n

 <\/p>\n

He\u2019d seen this coming and done nothing. It\u2019d been growing since the night Adam wrapped his hands about his neck but Ben had shrugged it off. This was Adam, always in control, always taking one step at a time, never one to rush headlong into things.<\/p>\n

\u00a0<\/em><\/p>\n

That was the past.<\/em><\/p>\n

 <\/p>\n

The Adam they now claimed as theirs was anything but what he\u2019d been. The Adam they now beheld had lost his way. He pulled the gunbelt closer.<\/p>\n

 <\/p>\n

\u201cHe\u2019s not out back!\u201d came Joe\u2019s voice from the front of the house. \u201cI can\u2019t even find any tracks.\u201d<\/p>\n

 <\/p>\n

\u201cHe no in house,\u201d Hop Sing added upon returning to the great room. \u201cI look everywhere three times. Where he go?\u201d Ben looked at his friend and gave a small shrug of defeat. This empty gunbelt held tightly in his hands told the story of where his oldest boy had gone.<\/p>\n

 <\/p>\n

\u201cWhat\u2019s all this, Charlie?\u201d came Joe\u2019s voice as each moved out the front door to see their foreman, Charlie Porter, leading five horses into the yard.<\/p>\n

 <\/p>\n

\u201cFound \u2018em down by the north pasture,\u201d he began maneuvering the horses around Chubb and Cochise hitched nearby. \u201cThey was grazin\u2019 right as ya please like they was always there. Pete\u2019s got the rest. Ain\u2019t these from that group you was singlin\u2019 out fer breedin\u2019?\u201d he asked, Joe taking a hasty look.<\/p>\n

 <\/p>\n

\u201cYeah, these are the ones. How\u2019d they get down there?\u201d<\/p>\n

 <\/p>\n

\u201cWell, looks like someone left the corral gate open \u2018cause they didn\u2019t break out on their own. Junebug\u2019s the only one we couldn\u2019t find. Looked all over, too.\u201d<\/p>\n

 <\/p>\n

\u201cI wonder where she\u2019s . . .\u201d\u00a0 Joe\u2019s voice gave out when a new thought filled him and he turned fearful eyes toward his father, seeing him clutch Adam\u2019s empty holster to his chest. His heart thumped loudly and his gaze shifted to Hoss, dread dropping on him like a stone.<\/p>\n

 <\/p>\n

\u201cHe didn\u2019t take Sport,\u201d Hoss said into the silence, the implication behind those words forcing both boys to race to their horses and gallop out of the yard without a backward look.<\/p>\n

 <\/p>\n

Unable to move or breathe, Ben stood still, his mind attempting to wrap itself around thoughts of death and a single gunshot that would resonate throughout the rest of his life.<\/p>\n

 <\/p>\n

\u201cMister Adam take Junebug?\u201d Hop Sing said to no one in particular. \u201cWhy he take Junebug?\u201d<\/p>\n

\u00a0<\/em><\/p>\n

So no one would find him!<\/em><\/p>\n

 <\/p>\n

\u201cMr. Cartwright?\u201d Charlie began feeling as if he\u2019d ridden right into the middle of a story. \u201cIs everything all right?\u201d<\/p>\n

 <\/p>\n

Emotion clogged Ben\u2019s brain, his heart, his throat as he turned slowly back toward the house, clasping the gunbelt to his chest. Nothing was real anymore. Not since Kane.<\/p>\n

 <\/p>\n

\u201cMr. Cartwright?\u201d Charlie called stopping Ben in mid-step.<\/p>\n

 <\/p>\n

\u201cNo, Charlie,\u201d he finally uttered barely managing to keep it together, the foreman\u2019s words finally catching up to him. \u201cNothing\u2019s been right for some time.\u201d<\/p>\n

 <\/p>\n

*********<\/p>\n

 <\/p>\n

TUESDAY \u2013 2 DAYS BEFORE<\/u><\/p>\n

 <\/p>\n

\u201cPaul,\u201d Ben said in a scratchy voice, avoiding the good doctor\u2019s searching eyes as he invited him in then turned sullenly away to sit heavily in the red leather chair by the hearth.<\/p>\n

 <\/p>\n

\u201cBen,\u201d was all Paul Martin said, a world of questions behind the look he gave his friend as he set his bag down on the sideboard. Worry reared its ugly head. Worry. The letters of that particular word should\u2019ve been etched on his forehead since he knew he already had permanent wrinkles affixed there. In fact all doctors who gave a damn shared that same affliction.<\/p>\n

 <\/p>\n

Now being worried for his patients was one thing, but being worried for a friend was always worse and sometimes his powers of medicine weren\u2019t enough leaving him with nothing to offer but platitudes and fancy words that meant nothing. Those were the worst times. Those were the times he feared most, times like these.<\/p>\n

 <\/p>\n

\u201cI was checking on Abby Markham\u2019s boy,\u201d the doctor began, \u201cwhen I thought I\u2019d stop by and see how things are going here.\u201d<\/p>\n

 <\/p>\n

Ben gave a half-smile, then looked away, unconsciously running a hand over his neck. \u201cWe\u2019re fine.\u201d<\/p>\n

 <\/p>\n

\u201cAdam tried to strangle him, Paul,\u201d Joe announced as he came down the stairs ignoring the furious glare Ben flashed him.<\/p>\n

 <\/p>\n

\u201cWhat?\u201d Paul urgently asked as more worry piled up.<\/p>\n

 <\/p>\n

\u201cHe was having a nightmare,\u201d Ben explained. \u201cThings . . . got out of hand.\u201d<\/p>\n

 <\/p>\n

\u201cAdam had him on the floor, Paul,\u201d Joe continued. \u201cHoss had to pry his hands from around Pa\u2019s neck.\u201d<\/p>\n

 <\/p>\n

\u201cI was trying to wake him. He thought I was Kane.\u201d<\/p>\n

 <\/p>\n

\u201cWhen did this happen?\u201d Paul asked of anyone.<\/p>\n

 <\/p>\n

\u201cLast night,\u201d Joe answered, looking over to Ben. \u201cHe\u2019s getting worse, Pa.\u201d<\/p>\n

 <\/p>\n

\u201cHe was having<\/u><\/em> a nightmare,\u201d Ben responded leaning forward as exasperation filled him. \u201cIt wasn\u2019t Adam.\u201d<\/p>\n

 <\/p>\n

\u201cHe tried to kill you!\u201d<\/p>\n

 <\/p>\n

\u201cJoseph!\u201d<\/p>\n

 <\/p>\n

\u201cKeep voice down!\u201d came Hop Sing\u2019s harsh whisper from the stairs, Hoss glaring over his shoulder at the lot of them. \u201cAll this yelling wake Mister Adam. He need sleep.\u201d<\/p>\n

The two descended the stairs, Hop Sing eyeing Ben until he turned again to the fireplace while Joe cast his eyes downward to stare at his boots.<\/p>\n

 <\/p>\n

\u201cThis ain\u2019t the time for yellin\u2019,\u201d Hoss said placing a large hand on his brother\u2019s shoulder to press him onto the settee.<\/p>\n

 <\/p>\n

\u201cSorry,\u201d Joe whispered, embarrassed at his own outburst but still perturbed at his father.<\/p>\n

 <\/p>\n

Paul sighed and moved toward Ben, pushing up his chin to check his neck. \u201cJust bruises,\u201d he proclaimed.<\/p>\n

 <\/p>\n

\u201cI told you I was fine,\u201d Ben answered pushing away his hand, not watching as the good doctor stepped back and eyed the lot of them.<\/p>\n

 <\/p>\n

\u201cI\u2019ve known all of you for many years,\u201d Paul began, sinking hands into his front pockets. \u201cI\u2019ve mended broken bones and bullet holes in each of you and I cherish our friendship, but now one of you has been injured, an injury that can\u2019t be fixed with traditional medicine . . . and I apologize for that.\u201d<\/p>\n

 <\/p>\n

\u201cPaul . . .\u201d Hoss began stopping as the doctor raised a hand.<\/p>\n

 <\/p>\n

\u201cThis is the time you must all pull together and not let the strain of what\u2019s happening tear you apart. Your son, your brother, is lost – a shadow of his former self – and it\u2019s rattled you and him.\u201d None responded as he sat down on the settee. \u201cObviously there\u2019s been no improvement.\u201d<\/p>\n

 <\/p>\n

\u201cNo. He\u2019s getting worse,\u201d Joe stated not waiting for anyone else to speak.<\/p>\n

 <\/p>\n

\u201cIs he getting worse in that he\u2019s still not sleeping or are his nightmares becoming more violent?\u201d Paul asked.<\/p>\n

 <\/p>\n

\u201cBoth,\u201d Hoss answered.<\/p>\n

 <\/p>\n

\u201cHoss . . .\u201d Ben began.<\/p>\n

 <\/p>\n

\u201cIt\u2019s true, Pa,\u201d Hoss said looking straight at his father. \u201cAnd you know it.\u201d<\/p>\n

 <\/p>\n

\u201cHas this happened before?\u201d<\/p>\n

 <\/p>\n

\u201cNo,\u201d Ben hastily added. \u201cJust this once.\u201d<\/p>\n

 <\/p>\n

\u201cBut it could<\/u><\/em> happen again,\u201d Joe added.<\/p>\n

 <\/p>\n

\u201cI\u2019ll be more careful,\u201d Ben stated, glaring at his youngest.<\/p>\n

 <\/p>\n

\u201cAdam\u2019s trying not<\/u><\/em> to sleep, Paul,\u201d Joe continued, ignoring his father. \u201cWhen he sleeps, Kane comes and torments him. He can\u2019t keep this up. It\u2019s killing him.\u201d<\/p>\n

 <\/p>\n

\u201cJoe, we just need to be\u00a0 . . .\u201d Ben began.<\/p>\n

 <\/p>\n

\u201cWhat, Pa? Need to be what? He\u2019s not getting better. He won\u2019t even look you in the eye.\u201d<\/p>\n

 <\/p>\n

\u201cHe ain\u2019t eatin\u2019 much that\u2019s for sure,\u201d Hoss added as Ben rubbed his face, hating to listen to this even though he knew it was the truth.<\/p>\n

 <\/p>\n

\u201cNeither are any of you, by the looks of it,\u201d Paul said with a grim look.<\/p>\n

 <\/p>\n

\u201cIt\u2019s difficult to eat when one of your own is slowly dying in front of you,\u201d Ben whispered, quickly pulling hands from his face, afraid he\u2019d spoken aloud. The looks on their faces proved him correct.<\/p>\n

 <\/p>\n

Numerous times he\u2019d said this to himself but to hear his own voice speak those words, well they took on a different more frightening meaning. Adam was<\/u><\/em> dying from the inside \u2013 slowly but surely \u2013 and there was nothing any of them could do but watch. None of them, including Paul, had the knowledge to deal with a broken mind except to lock him away in a dark room and dismiss his very existence. That he would never do!<\/p>\n

\u00a0<\/em><\/p>\n

Adam\u2019s not crazy!<\/em><\/p>\n

 <\/p>\n

\u201cThen we\u2019ll have to stop that now,\u201d Paul stated.<\/p>\n

 <\/p>\n

\u201cHow?\u201d Joe asked.<\/p>\n

 <\/p>\n

\u201cHe can\u2019t remember everything that happened to him and what he does remember is jumbled and out of context which leads to created memories that aren\u2019t necessarily valid,\u201d Paul began. \u201cFrom what you\u2019ve told me he doesn\u2019t remember what happened after Kane\u2019s ultimatum and you telling him isn\u2019t going to help. He won\u2019t retain it because he can\u2019t put an actual memory to it.\u201d<\/p>\n

 <\/p>\n

\u201cAnd I don\u2019t understand that, Paul,\u201d Ben said. \u201cWe wouldn\u2019t lie to him just to make him feel better.\u201d<\/p>\n

 <\/p>\n

\u201cOf course you would,\u201d he answered shocking them all.<\/p>\n

 <\/p>\n

\u201cWe wouldn\u2019t,\u201d Joe stated.<\/p>\n

 <\/p>\n

\u201cEveryone would, Joe, and he knows it. I\u2019m sure he\u2019s thinking that he must\u2019ve done something horrible since all of you are lying to him.\u201d<\/p>\n

 <\/p>\n

\u201cHow can ya say that, Paul?\u201d Hoss asked sadness on his face.<\/p>\n

 <\/p>\n

\u201cI\u2019m not saying you are it\u2019s just that his perception has changed. He has<\/u><\/em> to remember on his own. Once he does, the true healing can begin.\u201d<\/p>\n

 <\/p>\n

\u201cAnd how is he supposed to do that?\u201d Joe asked.<\/p>\n

 <\/p>\n

\u201cI\u2019ve seen you with him, all of you. You baby him. You\u2019re afraid to bring anything up because it\u2019s too painful for you and that\u2019s understandable,\u201d he hastily added. \u201cBut he\u2019s never going to walk out that door until he can stand on his own two legs.\u201d<\/p>\n

 <\/p>\n

\u201cI can\u2019t just let him wake up screaming alone,\u201d Ben said aghast at the thought. \u201cHow can I ignore that?\u201d<\/p>\n

 <\/p>\n

\u201cI\u2019m not asking that you ignore what\u2019s going on, just stop treating him like he\u2019s going to break.\u201d<\/p>\n

 <\/p>\n

\u201cBut, Paul,\u201d Hoss began, \u201che\u2019s already broke.\u201d<\/p>\n

 <\/p>\n

\u201cI know,\u201d the doctor said with a nod. \u201cAnd we need to put the pieces back together even if he won\u2019t let us. He\u2019s scared and so are all of you. He\u2019s afraid of what he might\u2019ve done and he\u2019s trapped himself out on that desert. He has to kill Kane, exorcise him from his mind . . . and I\u2019ve no idea how do that,\u201d he added knowing that that would be the next question. \u201cThe only thing I can suggest is to be honest with him. Tell him that you were going to leave him, admit your own limitations. You have to keep him moving forward until he can\u2019t help but remember.\u201d<\/p>\n

 <\/p>\n

\u201cThat\u2019ll work?\u201d Hoss asked.<\/p>\n

 <\/p>\n

Paul shrugged. \u201cI\u2019ve heard of some cases where it\u2019s been useful but you have to know that it may hurt you as much as him. Don\u2019t let your guilt mar what you\u2019re trying to do.\u201d Paul sighed, wanting so to be able to help this family, his friends. \u201cAdam met and passed his limits out there just as the three of you did and it rocked him. He\u2019s adrift with nothing to hang onto and you can\u2019t expect to recover quickly from that. On top of that, he\u2019s still recovering physically from his ordeal.<\/p>\n

 <\/p>\n

\u201cIt takes time and all of you must help. Make him look at you when you speak to him even if you have to pull his chin toward you. Bring him back into this world. Don\u2019t let Kane take over every aspect of him.\u201d<\/p>\n

 <\/p>\n

\u201cWhat if he . . .\u201d Ben began in a quiet voice drawing everyone\u2019s attention as he stared into the fireplace. \u201cWhat if he doesn\u2019t come back? What happens then?\u201d<\/p>\n

 <\/p>\n

Paul fidgeted with his jacket sleeve. \u201cYou know the answer to that, Ben.\u201d<\/p>\n

 <\/p>\n

Joe looked from one to the other. \u201cWhat does he mean, Pa?\u201d<\/p>\n

 <\/p>\n

\u201cJoe . . .\u201d<\/p>\n

 <\/p>\n

\u201cAn asylum? Is that what you\u2019re saying, Pa?\u201d Joe asked, alarm permeating the words.<\/p>\n

 <\/p>\n

\u201cJoe, please . . .\u201d<\/p>\n

 <\/p>\n

\u201cYou\u2019re not sending him away!\u201d<\/p>\n

 <\/p>\n

\u201cPa, ya cain\u2019t do that,\u201d Hoss added, looking from Paul to Ben. \u201cYa cain\u2019t just ship him off like he\u2019s nothin\u2019.\u201d<\/p>\n

 <\/p>\n

\u201cAdam\u2019s not<\/u><\/em> Ross Marquette2<\/sup>!\u201d Joe blurted as Ben closed his eyes. \u201cHe\u2019s not!\u201d Jumping to his feet, he didn\u2019t know where to go, suddenly livid with his father for even thinking of sending Adam away.<\/p>\n

 <\/p>\n

\u201cJoe, sit,\u201d Paul ordered fixing him with a hard gaze until the boy did as he was told and slumped back down on the settee. Paul\u2019s face softened and he placed a comforting hand on the young man\u2019s shoulder. \u201cNo one is suggesting that Adam will end up the same way as Ross. He has something important \u2013 he has more love in this house than most people do in their lifetime and sometimes that\u2019s more important than anything else.\u201d<\/p>\n

 <\/p>\n

Joe felt his anger dissipate turning instead into mind numbing sadness. \u201cBut will it be enough?\u201d he asked.<\/p>\n

 <\/p>\n

\u201cIt has to be, Joe,\u201d Ben whispered. \u201cIt just has to be.\u201d<\/p>\n

 <\/p>\n

*********<\/p>\n

 <\/p>\n

\u201cAdam,\u201d Ben called quietly as he knocked on the door knowing full well he wouldn\u2019t get an answer. Easing it open, the glow from the bedside lamp showed him a sleeping son, his chest rising and falling with the rhythm of his breath. Every second his heart beat, every time he moved or moaned in his sleep, Ben thanked God for this bit of life he\u2019d been entrusted with, this young man who meant everything to him.<\/p>\n

 <\/p>\n

He\u2019d made himself scarce this day, letting Joe, Hoss and Hop Sing look after Adam, remembering the look of guilt that filled his boy\u2019s eyes when he\u2019d awakened that morning to see the red marks on his neck. He couldn\u2019t stand to see the agony his presence caused.<\/p>\n

 <\/p>\n

It had been just over a day since Ben had felt his son\u2019s hands and, yes, he\u2019d counted every second. Such panic radiated from him, panic and terror toward a demon that still spoke to him in dreams. And that fateful night as he held his desperate son he\u2019d promised something – promised that he\u2019d make Kane go away . . . and he didn\u2019t have anymore of a clue on how do to that than Paul did.<\/p>\n

 <\/p>\n

Careful so as not to disturb him, he sat on the side of Adam\u2019s bed and reached over to turn off the lamp . . . then paused. The last time he\u2019d attempted this was the last time Adam had spoken directly to him, asking him in a tight voice to leave it on since the dark ran over him like a train. He remembered the tone, felt the anxiety. Ben sat back and, instead, looked more closely at his oldest son.<\/p>\n

 <\/p>\n

The dark circles under the eyes, the thinness of the cheeks, the beard he\u2019d not wanted shaved all brought back the desperate times they\u2019d faced these last three weeks after finding him on the desert. Their efforts to bring him home changed all of them, making them question their faith and their ability to see an end to this trauma, to see him through. Adam\u2019s flashing smile suddenly popped into his head and echoes of his beautiful deep voice rising in song followed and it made Ben\u2019s heart shrink further. Would they ever have those things again or would this room become his life? Would his world be nothing but the hue and cry of Kane attacking him until he decided to end it all?<\/p>\n

 <\/p>\n

Forcing such gloomy thoughts away, Ben lovingly touched Adam\u2019s face noting he seemed a bit warm. The sunstroke and dehydration caused his temperature to rise and fall in an hour, dizzy spells and nausea alternating with chills and sweats and a vagueness that made Ben uncomfortable. He was used to his son taking charge, able to control all situations without a second thought, but his confession just a day ago of not being the same man was brought home when his hands wrapped about Ben\u2019s neck.<\/p>\n

 <\/p>\n

A chill ran up his spine and he shrugged it off.<\/p>\n

\u00a0<\/em><\/p>\n

I can\u2019t dwell on that. It wasn\u2019t him.<\/em><\/p>\n

 <\/p>\n

Standing, he leaned over and kissed Adam on the forehead then moved to the door, slipping out and leaving the door ajar in case he was needed. He didn\u2019t see nor feel the dark eyes that followed him as he left.<\/p>\n

\u00a0<\/em><\/p>\n

I can\u2019t look you in the eye. Not after what I did.<\/em><\/p>\n

 <\/p>\n

Right here, in this room, he\u2019d tried to strangle his own father. It didn\u2019t matter he was having a nightmare and couldn\u2019t break free; it didn\u2019t matter that he was killing Kane and not Ben. It only mattered that his<\/u><\/em> hands were wrapped about his<\/u><\/em> father\u2019s neck squeezing the life from him. If Hoss hadn\u2019t been there, hadn\u2019t stopped him . . . \u00a0Shutting out the thought, he turned to face the window.<\/p>\n

\u00a0<\/em><\/p>\n

Am I like Ross?<\/em><\/p>\n

 <\/p>\n

Yes, he\u2019d heard the conversation downstairs, despite Hop Sing\u2019s best efforts to quiet everyone, and it hit home. Ross Marquette had changed from a childhood friend into a murdering beast who\u2019d killed his own wife. And yet, in the end, the Ross of old had reappeared to be sent off to the great beyond as himself and not the imposter who\u2019d resided there. Was that how it would be for him?<\/p>\n

\u00a0<\/em><\/p>\n

Is that what I am?<\/em><\/p>\n

 <\/p>\n

Forcing such thoughts away, he looked out the open window to a storm filled sky, wishing so for it to just let loose and wash away the dust and grime that still clung to him, that invaded his very being, to make everything clean again . . . to make him<\/u><\/em> clean again. The heat of the desert had pulled all the moisture from his body, even making his bones ache as if they would break if he bore so much as a thought upon them. He used to like the desert \u2013 its starkness, its beauty – now it only served to remind him he\u2019d nearly shot Hoss . . .<\/p>\n

 <\/p>\n

A lancing pain shot through him and he gasped at its suddenness, hands shooting to his head. Then, just as quickly, it was gone, leaving him with a clear vision of raising a rifle and pulling the trigger with his brother as the target. The room spun as he bolted upright nearly flinging himself from the bed, grabbing at the bed clothes to ride the wave of dizziness that descended.<\/p>\n

\u00a0<\/em><\/p>\n

Did I try to shoot Hoss?<\/em><\/p>\n

 <\/p>\n

Grasping for the stray thought only made it disappear that much quicker and he cursed his faulty memory. Swinging legs over the side, he hung his head and rubbed his forehead trying to conjure it back.<\/p>\n

\u00a0<\/em><\/p>\n

Did I try to shoot Hoss?<\/em><\/p>\n

 <\/p>\n

\u201cYou did.\u201d<\/p>\n

 <\/p>\n

Stiffening, the color ran from his face at the sound of that terrifying, unmistakable voice, making his belly twist into a knot. It was the voice of nightmares, both waking and sleeping; the voice that pecked at him and pushed him until he\u2019d seen no other way out than to silence it for good; the voice of a demon with blue eyes – Peter Kane.<\/p>\n

 <\/p>\n

\u201cNice to see you again, Cartwright.\u201d<\/p>\n

 <\/p>\n

Cold sweat popped out on Adam\u2019s forehead and rolled down his face as his heart pounded frantically. It can\u2019t be! He\u2019s dead! They keep telling me he\u2019s dead!<\/em><\/p>\n

 <\/p>\n

Like a caged animal, his eyes flew to the window. Two steps and escape would be his and he could flee from his enemy.<\/p>\n

\u00a0<\/em><\/p>\n

You won\u2019t make it off the roof without breaking something!<\/em><\/p>\n

 <\/p>\n

Desperation filled him. There was nowhere to go, just like before, and his fingers knotted deeper into the bedcovers. Don\u2019t look. If you don\u2019t look, he\u2019ll go away.<\/em><\/p>\n

 <\/p>\n

\u201cAfraid to look aren\u2019t you?\u201d he prodded.<\/p>\n

 <\/p>\n

\u201cYou . . . you\u2019re not . . . here,\u201d Adam said with as much conviction as he could muster. It wasn\u2019t much.<\/p>\n

 <\/p>\n

\u201cOh, but I am,\u201d Kane countered, Adam hearing the smile in that voice, seeing it in his mind\u2019s eye. \u201cAnd getting rid of me will be harder than you think. I\u2019m still the better man, Cartwright, because you did what you said you couldn\u2019t – you killed me with your bare hands.\u201d<\/p>\n

 <\/p>\n

\u201cNo,\u201d Adam whispered, flinching as lightening suddenly brightened the room. Thunder\u2019s coming. Count . . . count and he\u2019ll go away.<\/em><\/p>\n

 <\/p>\n

\u201cNo? I\u2019ve got the bruises to prove it.\u201d<\/p>\n

 <\/p>\n

Adam closed his eyes, seeing his hands crushing Kane\u2019s windpipe . . . squeezing his father\u2019s neck. Count, damn you! Count!<\/em><\/p>\n

 <\/p>\n

\u201cWant to see them?\u201d<\/p>\n

 <\/p>\n

\u201cI didn\u2019t . . . kill you.\u201d Adam finally spoke, giving up on the thunder when it failed to sound.<\/p>\n

 <\/p>\n

\u201cIs that what they\u2019re telling you?\u201d came with a laugh. \u201cIs it?\u201d When no answer sprang from him, Adam opened his eyes. \u201cAnd you believe them?\u201d<\/p>\n

\u00a0<\/em><\/p>\n

Do I? <\/em>They\u2019d given him the answer, fed it to him over and over, tried to pound it into his head . . . and still he wasn\u2019t sure it was the truth. He just couldn\u2019t remember. They wouldn\u2019t lie . . . would they? <\/em>\u201cI didn\u2019t think so.\u201d He could hear movement, hear boots hitting the floor.<\/p>\n

\u00a0<\/em><\/p>\n

How can he be here?<\/em><\/p>\n

 <\/p>\n

\u201cCartwright, they\u2019ll tell you whatever they want you to believe so they don\u2019t have to deal with the shame. That\u2019s right shame. It doesn\u2019t fit into their scheme of things to have a son who\u2019s a murderer. Wouldn\u2019t look right.\u201d<\/p>\n

\u00a0<\/em><\/p>\n

A murderer? I didn\u2019t kill him. They told me.<\/em><\/p>\n

 <\/p>\n

\u201cI\u2019m . . . not.\u201d<\/p>\n

 <\/p>\n

\u201cDon\u2019t sound so certain.\u201d<\/p>\n

 <\/p>\n

Adam\u2019s brow furrowed watching the curtains billow out from the open window. I didn\u2019t kill . . . \u00a0What if Kane is telling the truth?<\/em><\/p>\n

 <\/p>\n

\u201cIs that . . . is that what I am?\u201d Adam asked, doubt rushing in to feed the fear in his belly.<\/p>\n

 <\/p>\n

\u201cWhat was that, big brother?\u201d Hoss asked moving hastily across the room to shut the window against the incoming storm, redirecting the curtains to their proper place.<\/p>\n

 <\/p>\n

\u201cIs that what I am?\u201d Adam repeated as Hoss turned to see a brother white as a sheet, sweat dampening his nightshirt. He knelt quickly in front of him.<\/p>\n

 <\/p>\n

\u201cI\u2019m sorry, brother, but yer gonna havta be a bit more specific.\u201d<\/p>\n

 <\/p>\n

Adam looked down to Hoss then, seeing a beloved brother who would tell him the truth.<\/p>\n

 <\/p>\n

Hoss saw a scared little boy and reached out to grab his hands. \u201cYer shakin\u2019 like a leaf. Get under them covers.\u201d<\/p>\n

 <\/p>\n

\u201cIs that what I am?\u201d Adam asked again, more urgently than before, drilling Hoss with a look, making him<\/u><\/em> shiver at its intensity. \u201cAm I . . .\u00a0 am I a murderer?\u201d<\/p>\n

 <\/p>\n

Stunned, Hoss sat back on his heels, looking up at his desperate brother. Adam\u2019s eyes had always been expressive, the windows to his soul as Ben put it, and now they begged for answers. \u201cNo, Adam, yer not,\u201d he answered plainly.<\/p>\n

 <\/p>\n

\u201cBut I . . . I killed Kane.\u201d<\/p>\n

 <\/p>\n

\u201cNo ya didn\u2019t.\u201d<\/p>\n

 <\/p>\n

\u201cBut he said . . .\u201d<\/p>\n

 <\/p>\n

\u201cDon\u2019t ya go listenin\u2019 ta him now. He ain\u2019t tellin\u2019 ya the truth.\u201d Inside Hoss shuddered. Kane was talking to his brother, telling him lies, and Adam wasn\u2019t strong enough to shut it out. \u201cYa stopped yerself, Adam. Ya didn\u2019t finish the job.\u201d<\/p>\n

\u00a0<\/em><\/p>\n

I didn\u2019t finish . . .\u00a0 Why can\u2019t I remember that? <\/em>\u201cHow do you know?\u201d<\/p>\n

 <\/p>\n

Such a plaintive cry from this strong man. Hoss swallowed. Kane was winning. He couldn\u2019t allow that. \u201cYa told us, that\u2019s how.\u201d<\/p>\n

 <\/p>\n

\u201cTold you?\u201d<\/p>\n

 <\/p>\n

\u201cYessir. Kane spoke just afore ya dragged him outta the desert. Ya gotta believe me when I say it, Adam. I ain\u2019t never lied ta ya and I ain\u2019t startin\u2019 now.\u201d He watched his brother, watched him struggle with this same knowledge as he\u2019d done so many times before. But this time despair filled the void rather than relief. \u201cWhat is it, Adam? What\u2019s the matter?\u201d Hoss watched him shake his head and look away. \u201cAdam?\u201d<\/p>\n

\u00a0<\/em><\/p>\n

Say it!<\/em><\/p>\n

 <\/p>\n

\u201cDid I . . .\u201d<\/p>\n

 <\/p>\n

He stopped and Hoss moved next to him on the bed. \u201cGo on.\u201d<\/p>\n

 <\/p>\n

Gathering up a breath Adam shut his eyes against what was coming. \u201cDid I try to . . . to shoot you?\u201d came the question in a quiet voice. Those words made Hoss pause knowing this was an ugly memory rearing its head and he\u2019d debated with himself on what he would do if it ever came up. He\u2019d never mentioned this to Joe or Paul and neither had Ben. It didn\u2019t need to be addressed, at least not until Adam needed it. And now was the time.<\/p>\n

 <\/p>\n

\u201cYessir, ya did.\u201d<\/p>\n

 <\/p>\n

Cringing at the admission, he appreciated Hoss\u2019 candor even though it split him in two as the pain returned, seeing Hoss drop to the ground as the bullet . . . his bullet sailed over his head and into the rocks beyond. Someone jumped him and kept him from firing again, kept him from killing his brother.<\/p>\n

 <\/p>\n

\u201cYa had yer reasons,\u201d Hoss informed him feeling Adam begin to quiver.<\/p>\n

 <\/p>\n

\u201cNo reason . . .\u201d\u00a0 The words stopped and his vision blurred.<\/p>\n

 <\/p>\n

\u201cAdam . . .\u201d<\/p>\n

 <\/p>\n

\u201cThere could be no<\/u><\/em> reason,\u201d he continued through clenched teeth battling for control, \u201cno reason in this world for me to . . .\u201d\u00a0 His voice faded again unable to finish.<\/p>\n

 <\/p>\n

\u201cAdam, ya thought I was Kane,\u201d Hoss answered, wrapping an arm about him. \u201cFrom what we know that\u2019s reason enough ta shoot at me.\u201d<\/p>\n

 <\/p>\n

\u201cHow could . . .\u201d<\/p>\n

 <\/p>\n

\u201cYou was far gone and didn\u2019t know who we was. You was still trapped with him.\u201d<\/p>\n

 <\/p>\n

\u201cThat\u2019s no excuse,\u201d Adam angrily said, leaning away from his beloved brother. \u201cI could\u2019ve \u00a0\u00a0. . .\u201d\u00a0 A sob broke loose and he covered his face with both hands while Hoss pulled him back.<\/p>\n

 <\/p>\n

\u201cThat\u2019s in the past, Adam. Ya didn\u2019t hurt me. You could never hurt me,\u201d Hoss finished not knowing what else to say, surprised when Adam buried his face in his shirt and grabbed on.<\/p>\n

 <\/p>\n

Hoss figured this was what Ben felt like when he held one of them \u2013 a protective shield to keep away the dangers that lurked in the shadows; to try and keep away all things that could hurt them. He was honored by the trust his brother showed him.<\/p>\n

 <\/p>\n

Staring out the window, he ran a hand slowly up and down Adam\u2019s arm, watching the trees bend under the power of the wind and wondered why they couldn\u2019t have been there before Adam had been hurt, why they had to pick up the pieces now when there was so little left. What God would let that happen?<\/p>\n

 <\/p>\n

He sighed. No blame could be fitted to others, except those in this house. Paul was right. They needed to admit they\u2019d almost left him behind; get everything out in the open. That might be the only thing that would let him heal, let them all heal. Listening to his brother weep for a past deed, he knew now was not the time. Confession would have to wait a little longer.<\/p>\n

 <\/p>\n

**********<\/p>\n

 <\/p>\n

WEDNESDAY \u2013 1 DAY BEFORE<\/u><\/p>\n

 <\/p>\n

\u201cHe out back,\u201d Hop Sing informed Joe with a tired smile as he wiped flour on his apron.<\/p>\n

 <\/p>\n

\u201cShould he be alone?\u201d Joe asked, sneaking a look out the door toward his brother sitting silently on the long wooden bench at the end of the back porch.<\/p>\n

 <\/p>\n

\u201cHe not alone. I keep eye on him.\u201d Joe smiled at that, knowing it was true. Hop Sing had always been there for them and they\u2019d be lost without him. \u201cYou go, be with him, for you both.\u201d<\/p>\n

 <\/p>\n

\u201cFor us both,\u201d Joe sighed, smiling back at Hop Sing as he slipped out the door, running a hand along the bench Adam and Hoss built when Joe was but an infant. Marie wanted a place out of the house to sit and watch the sunset and the stars and to hear the rain fall long into the night while she read to her boys, telling them stories of New Orleans. Now his brother occupied that same spot, looking out over the same landscape. Joe was doubtful he was remembering those nights with Marie.<\/p>\n

\u00a0<\/em><\/p>\n

How can I force this memory on him? How can I not?<\/em><\/p>\n

 <\/p>\n

Making up his mind, Joe sauntered forward taking in the sight of his brother hunkered down in his yellow coat, arms crossed against the wind that breezed along the porch. The gray clouds building around them matched the color of his skin and he could just make out dark hair curling over his collar, his thin bearded face giving the impression of a starving man, a lost man unable to find his way home. He stopped a few paces from him, unnerved by how still he sat, how far away he seemed and how he hadn\u2019t noticed him standing there.<\/p>\n

 <\/p>\n

\u201cAdam?\u201d Joe finally called, the sound of his voice producing a startling effect – each muscle in his brother\u2019s body instantly constricted and Joe watched him grab at the bench, his breath quickening as if he was being chased, eyes tightly shut. Quickly, he knelt in front of him. \u201cAdam, it\u2019s me, it\u2019s Joe. It\u2019s Joe.\u201d<\/p>\n

 <\/p>\n

The familiar voice reverberated in Adam\u2019s ears and he forced open anxious eyes to see his younger brother kneeling before him, strong hands holding him steady, and the tension ran from him like water.<\/p>\n

 <\/p>\n

\u201cJoe,\u201d came his relieved voice. \u201cJoe.\u201d Releasing his grip on the bench, Adam sat back, leaning against Joe as he perched next to him, relishing the even presence his brother provided.<\/p>\n

 <\/p>\n

Taken aback, Joe wrapped an arm about his brother\u2019s shoulders, wondering at this new turn of events. As long as Joe could remember, Adam had been there to offer guidance and help even when they argued being that he was the eldest. But now the roles were reversed and he hoped he could fill those shoes because his brother deserved it, deserved it more than he ever had.<\/p>\n

 <\/p>\n

\u201cAre you warm enough?\u201d Joe asked, seeing Adam nod and continue to look at whatever held his attention. \u201cMaybe it\u2019ll rain soon. I think those clouds should either piss or get off the pot.\u201d<\/p>\n

 <\/p>\n

Adam snickered and Joe smiled, hoping soon they\u2019d hear more of that. \u201cIt can\u2019t come soon enough,\u201d was all he gave him suddenly growing warm. Sitting upright, he pulled open his coat and wiped sweat from his upper lip. \u201cNot soon enough.\u201d<\/p>\n

 <\/p>\n

Joe watched him, knowing his temperature fluctuated, knowing in a matter of moments he might be shivering.<\/p>\n

 <\/p>\n

\u201cAdam, I have to . . .\u201d Joe began, stopping when he saw his brother press a hand against his temple, sucking in a painful breath as he leaned forward. Joe gripped his shoulders to keep him on the bench. \u201cAdam?\u201d<\/p>\n

 <\/p>\n

\u201cYou . . .\u201d Adam began, tight muscles bunching under Joe\u2019s grip. \u201cThere was a . . . a room \u00a0. . .,\u201d he announced trying to take hold of the scene running through his head before it fled. \u201cYou were . . . holding . . .\u201d\u00a0 He stopped as the memory and pain faded leaving him irritated. \u201cDamnit!\u201d he cursed running a hand over his sweaty face.<\/p>\n

 <\/p>\n

Joe watched him try to compose himself, failing miserably, soon to lay dark pleading eyes upon him. \u201cIt was Salt Flats,\u201d Joe answered as Adam narrowed his eyes. \u201cWe were there for four days.\u201d<\/p>\n

 <\/p>\n

\u201cI didn\u2019t . . . I didn\u2019t hurt you did I like I . . . like I hurt Pa?\u201d Adam asked, not really wanting to hear the answer.<\/p>\n

 <\/p>\n

\u201cNo, no. You were out of it, too far out of it to barely open your eyes.\u201d<\/p>\n

 <\/p>\n

Adam let out a thankful breath. \u201cWhy were we there?\u201d he asked looking back out to the woods, unable to place the name.<\/p>\n

 <\/p>\n

Joe tried to put those days behind him, forced himself to think only of the present, but each time Adam called out from his dreams those feelings of helplessness and fear returned. But now his brother was asking and his<\/u><\/em> comfort was not important.<\/p>\n

 <\/p>\n

\u201cIt was the closest town to where we found you,\u201d Joe answered. \u201cWe were all exhausted and the wagon I\u2019d found barely got us back to town. There was no way we could get you home without one.\u201d<\/p>\n

 <\/p>\n

Adam watched his brother\u2019s face, seeing the pain he was dredging up. It wasn\u2019t fair of him to ask. \u201cYou don\u2019t have . . .\u201d<\/p>\n

 <\/p>\n

\u201cI want<\/u><\/em> to tell you,\u201d Joe jumped in. \u201cYou should be told everything.\u201d He looked back out into the woods seeing the main street of that dry and dusty town, hoping they\u2019d been in time. \u201cWe stayed at the Coleridge House, which had seen better days, and put you to bed. The doc finally showed up and tended to you but there was little he could do. It seems modern medicine doesn\u2019t have a magic potion to cure sunstroke and dehydration. It was up to us to get food and water into you and, mind you brother, that wasn\u2019t an easy task.\u201d<\/p>\n

 <\/p>\n

\u201cStubborn,\u201d Adam admitted none of this sounding familiar.<\/p>\n

 <\/p>\n

Joe smiled. \u201cWe were waiting for Hop Sing to arrive with a wagon before we could get you home, so we settled in, taking shifts to look after you. You couldn\u2019t keep much down and you kept calling out Kane\u2019s name, seeing him in us each time you opened your eyes.\u201d Joe looked down then and fiddled with his pant leg. \u201cIt was . . . difficult.\u201d<\/p>\n

 <\/p>\n

\u201cSorry,\u201d Adam quietly said.<\/p>\n

 <\/p>\n

\u201cNo, no, Adam, don\u2019t be. Everything was difficult. We\u2019d been looking for you for almost two weeks and now that we had you, well, it wasn\u2019t much better. There wasn\u2019t much left of you and Pa was so worried that we hadn\u2019t been in time, but I took great pleasure in the fact that, at least, you weren\u2019t alone anymore. We were there to look after you.<\/p>\n

 <\/p>\n

\u201cI think it was the second night. Pa was asleep in the other room, been there since morning, and Hoss was out getting you some new clothes, and I was alone with you. . \u201d<\/p>\n

 <\/p>\n

The room was hot and no matter what they did it just seemed to get hotter. Of course, it was almost 100 degrees outside so what did they expect. This was the desert after all. Joe closed the moth bitten curtains and moved back toward the rumpled bed holding his ailing brother, small moans coming from him now and then as he relived whatever had happened to him.<\/em><\/p>\n

\u00a0<\/em><\/p>\n

After all the grime and dirt had been cleaned off, they\u2019d found bruises, deep and purple, covering his body along with scrapes and lacerations; cracked blisters filled his hands and both wrists were embedded with sand and dirt and rope burns sure to leave scarring. Sweat covered his sunburned face and chest dampening the sheets beneath as he shifted from shivering to burning heat in the space of an hour. All was evidence of his trial in the desert. <\/em><\/p>\n

\u00a0<\/em><\/p>\n

Joe looked down on his injured brother, guilt rushing through him. \u201cI should\u2019ve been with you,\u201d he whispered, dropping down into the straight backed chair beside the bed, his hand falling on the newspaper he\u2019d found in the dresser. A small whimper met his ears and he touched his brother\u2019s hand. \u201cSsh. It\u2019s all right.\u201d He settled a bit and Joe sat back, his hand touching the newspaper once again. Maybe he\u2019d like to hear about the goings on in Salt Flats; maybe the droning of his voice would make him know he wasn\u2019t alone. There was nothing else he could think to do. <\/em><\/p>\n

\u00a0<\/em><\/p>\n

\u00a0He picked up the paper. \u201cLet\u2019s see what\u2019s happening in this here town. Ah, here we go. \u2018Mrs. Ida Fay Werner, wife of Reverend Hiram Werner, presented a captivating social for the town on Wednesday\u2019. That was Wednesday last month, brother,\u201d he said looking over at Adam who weakly pushed at the sheet around him. \u201c\u2019With the arrival of the new school teacher, this social proved to be a welcoming party as well\u2019. Bet she\u2019s pretty. \u2018Mr. Robert J. McCready came to us all the way from San Francisco with books in hand\u2019. Oh. \u2018He arrived with his wife, Mrs. Celia McCready, on his arm and her bright yellow dress and bonnet and charming demeanor set everyone to smiling\u2019. I bet she\u2019s a looker. Why I think . . .\u201d<\/em><\/p>\n

\u00a0<\/em><\/p>\n

\u201c. . . rocks . . . just rocks . . .\u201d came Adam\u2019s thin voice barely above a whisper interrupting Joe.\u00a0 \u00a0<\/em><\/p>\n

\u00a0<\/em><\/p>\n

\u201cAdam?\u201d <\/em><\/p>\n

\u00a0<\/em><\/p>\n

\u201c. . . no gold . . .\u201d <\/em><\/p>\n

\u00a0<\/em><\/p>\n

\u00a0Joe dropped the paper and grabbed Adam\u2019s hand, holding it tightly between his own. \u201cIt\u2019s Joe, Adam. I\u2019ve got you.\u201d<\/em><\/p>\n

\u00a0<\/em><\/p>\n

\u201cThere\u2019s no . . . no gold . . . just . . . rocks!\u201d<\/em><\/p>\n

\u00a0<\/em><\/p>\n

\u201cAdam, quiet now, quiet. No one can get you here. I\u2019ll protect you. You\u2019re safe, you\u2019re safe here.\u201d\u00a0 \u00a0<\/em><\/p>\n

\u00a0<\/em><\/p>\n

\u201c. . . safe . . .\u201d came after a moment.<\/em><\/p>\n

\u00a0<\/em><\/p>\n

\u201cThat\u2019s right,\u201d Joe nodded, running a hand down his brother\u2019s face to sooth him, feeling heat rise from him even though he was shivering. Reaching for the discarded blanket at the foot of the bed, he spread it over Adam even as he fought to remove it.<\/em><\/p>\n

\u00a0<\/em><\/p>\n

\u201cPa . . . I\u2019m here! Pa!\u201d\u00a0 <\/em><\/p>\n

\u00a0<\/em><\/p>\n

\u201cWe\u2019ll be home in a few days, Adam,\u201d Joe said desperate to keep him calm. He looked behind him toward the door where their father slept but his brother needed him now and all he could give was himself. Quickly sliding under the blankets, he pulled a jittery Adam against him, wrapping him in his arms. \u201cHop Sing\u2019ll be here soon and he\u2019ll make you his teas and soon we\u2019ll be out of this god awful heat and back into the mountains where it\u2019s cool and clear and the lake just sparkles. You love the lake. We\u2019re almost home, Adam. Ssh, ssh. It\u2019ll be all right.\u201d Tears pricked at Joe\u2019s eyes but he kept talking, kept trying to break through his brother\u2019s fevered dreams when a weak voice startled him.<\/em><\/p>\n

\u00a0<\/em><\/p>\n

\u201cJoe . . ?\u201d His breath caught in his throat.<\/em><\/p>\n

\u00a0<\/em><\/p>\n

\u201cYeah, it\u2019s me, Adam. It\u2019s Joe.\u201d Joe could feel his brother\u2019s tight posture begin to relax and lean into his grasp. He\u2019d never been so happy to hear his name before.<\/em><\/p>\n

\u00a0<\/em><\/p>\n

\u201cDid I . . . did I make it . . . to . . . Signal Rock?\u201d came the unexpected question.\u00a0 <\/em><\/p>\n

\u00a0<\/em><\/p>\n

Joe buried his head in Adam\u2019s neck trying to calm himself enough to answer. \u201cYeah, you made it. You finally made it.\u201d<\/em><\/p>\n

\u00a0<\/em><\/p>\n

\u201c. . . sorry . . . late . . .\u201d came the low response, Joe waiting for more when he noticed Adam\u2019s trembling ease then stop altogether, his relaxed breathing informing him he\u2019d fallen back to sleep. It was then Joe let the tears fall, making sure the blanket covered both their shoulders as he held on tight.<\/em><\/p>\n

 <\/p>\n

\u201cI woke up a few hours later to find both Hoss and Pa keeping watch over both of us.\u201d A resonance of his brother\u2019s loving words filled Adam\u2019s head and he winced as the pain returned.<\/p>\n

 <\/p>\n

\u201cYour voice . . . it sounded of home,\u201d Adam whispered, turning to see tears running down Joe\u2019s face as a stiff breeze wafted along the porch. \u201cJoe?\u201d<\/p>\n

 <\/p>\n

\u201cI\u2019m sorry,\u201d Joe muttered. \u201cI\u2019m sorry for so many things.\u201d<\/p>\n

 <\/p>\n

\u201cBut you saved me from . . .\u201d<\/p>\n

 <\/p>\n

\u201cI\u2019m sorry I didn\u2019t go with you,\u201d Joe interrupted. \u201cI\u2019m sorry I wasn\u2019t there to help you. I\u2019m sorry you had to go through that hell alone.\u201d<\/p>\n

 <\/p>\n

\u201cJoe . . .\u201d<\/p>\n

 <\/p>\n

\u201cAnd I\u2019m sorry we almost left you behind!\u201d Joe finished rapidly tossing a shocked look toward his brother. That wasn\u2019t how he\u2019d pictured the news to fall.<\/p>\n

\u00a0<\/em><\/p>\n

Leave me behind?<\/em><\/p>\n

 <\/p>\n

\u201cWhat?\u201d<\/p>\n

 <\/p>\n

\u201cThey wanted to tell you but I didn\u2019t,\u201d Joe confessed, words tumbling over each other as they fell from his mouth. \u201cI didn\u2019t think you needed to know. It wouldn\u2019t make any difference now \u2018cause you\u2019re home and safe.\u201d Confusion took control of Adam\u2019s face and Joe cursed himself for bringing it up. I never should\u2019ve said anything!<\/em><\/p>\n

 <\/p>\n

All sorts of images tossed about Adam\u2019s head – vague remembrances of voices in the dark, guilty voices. They left me behind?<\/em><\/p>\n

 <\/p>\n

\u201cYou gave up,\u201d Adam mumbled trying to wrap his wayward mind about those words, unexpected anger coming upon him like a rising flame at the confession. His jaw clenched and Joe grabbed his arm.<\/p>\n

 <\/p>\n

\u201cAdam, we were at the end of our rope. We\u2019d been searching for so long with no sign. Pa was exhausted. We knew he\u2019d keep looking until he was dead and we\u2019d already lost you. We couldn\u2019t lose Pa too so we talked him into . . . into giving up and going home.\u201d Joe looked out into the approaching night seeing lightening fill the sky a mile or two away. \u201cIt was the hardest thing we\u2019ve ever done, Adam, you have to believe that. We never set out to do that, to give up. We just couldn\u2019t go any further.\u201d<\/p>\n

\u00a0<\/em><\/p>\n

They gave up on me. They abandoned me, left me to die in the desert, left me to him! I hadn\u2019t given up, why did they?<\/em><\/p>\n

 <\/p>\n

\u201cI guess . . . I guess I did<\/u><\/em> need to tell you. I needed to tell you what we became.\u201d Joe ran a hand through his hair and bent his head. \u201cIt wasn\u2019t a proud moment.\u201d<\/p>\n

\u00a0<\/em><\/p>\n

What they<\/u> became? What about me?! What about me?!<\/em><\/p>\n

 <\/p>\n

Adam looked away from his brother, looked away before he saw the anger; before he said something he\u2019d regret. How could they just leave me?! How could they abandon me?!<\/em><\/p>\n

 <\/p>\n

And then he saw his own hands wrap about Kane\u2019s neck, felt the anger that fueled what little strength he\u2019d had left, and then winced at the jagged pain running across his forehead, dropping his head into his hands. He\u2019d<\/u><\/em> fallen from his<\/u><\/em> ideals and become something else. He\u2019d<\/u><\/em> done something he never thought he could do.<\/p>\n

\u00a0<\/em><\/p>\n

What right have I to judge them?<\/em><\/p>\n

 <\/p>\n

\u201c\u2019Judge not\u2018,3<\/sup>\u201d Adam whispered, pulling hands from his face, looking into the darkening sky, hearing the wind pour through the trees as his anger quickly faded.<\/p>\n

 <\/p>\n

\u201cAdam?\u201d<\/p>\n

 <\/p>\n

\u201cIt\u2019s okay, Joe,\u201d Adam finally said hearing thunder rumble close by.<\/p>\n

 <\/p>\n

\u201cHow can it be okay?\u201d Joe asked, shocked at his brother. \u201cWe were going to leave you out there. We\u2019d given up.\u201d<\/p>\n

 <\/p>\n

\u201cI don\u2019t blame . . .\u201d<\/p>\n

 <\/p>\n

\u201cYou<\/u><\/em> didn\u2019t give up. You fought your way home. You\u2019d never have stopped.\u201d<\/p>\n

 <\/p>\n

\u201cJoe . . .\u201d<\/p>\n

 <\/p>\n

\u201cIt\u2019s true, Adam, and we all know it.\u201d<\/p>\n

 <\/p>\n

\u201cBut you don\u2019t<\/u><\/em> know, Joe!\u201d Adam said in a harsh tone immediately regretting it, rubbing his forehead. \u201cI became . . . something else, too, something I . . . I didn\u2019t expect. I became an animal. I never thought . . .\u201d\u00a0 He stopped and sighed, trying to gather his thoughts. \u201cI told you I couldn\u2019t be forced to kill, that I was . . . stronger than that. Well, my strength failed me.\u201d<\/p>\n

 <\/p>\n

\u201cYou had reason.\u201d<\/p>\n

 <\/p>\n

Adam dipped is head. \u201cAt the time . . .\u201d<\/p>\n

 <\/p>\n

\u201cHe tried to kill you, Adam.\u201d<\/p>\n

 <\/p>\n

\u201cBut I\u2019m supposed to be better; more . . . civilized. I am a Cartwright after all.\u201d<\/p>\n

 <\/p>\n

Joe would\u2019ve grinned at the hint of sarcasm there but he grabbed Adam\u2019s shoulder instead. \u201cYou are<\/u><\/em> better, Adam. I know this because of what you\u2019re going through. If you didn\u2019t care you\u2019d be able to sleep at night, be able to accept what happened and move on. But you can\u2019t because you\u2019re grappling with what you believe and what you were forced to do to survive.\u201d<\/p>\n

 <\/p>\n

\u201cIt shouldn\u2019t matter.\u201d<\/p>\n

 <\/p>\n

\u201cEveryone has a breaking point, Adam. We<\/u><\/em> found that out and I\u2019m not proud of it but we have to live with it. And whatever you had to do to get out of that desert and back home to us then so be it. I won\u2019t think any less of you because of it and neither wills Pa or Hoss. We\u2019re here, Adam, and we\u2019re not leaving this time.\u201d<\/p>\n

 <\/p>\n

Adam wanted to share everything with them; he needed their help to keep him from falling into the abyss, but he\u2019d tried to kill their father and Kane was visiting him when he was awake. How could they possibly help with that?<\/p>\n

 <\/p>\n

\u201cI can\u2019t find . . .,\u201d Adam began. \u201cI can\u2019t get him<\/u><\/em> out of my head . . . his voice, his face. He just keeps coming back. I fear I\u2019ll never be rid of him.\u201d<\/p>\n

 <\/p>\n

\u201cYou once told me that the only thing that would keep you from fighting back was if you were dead. Well, fight him, Adam; push back until you can\u2019t push anymore. I believe in you. Believe in yourself again.\u201d<\/p>\n

 <\/p>\n

Adam turned to Joe seeing the serious look upon his youthful face and his heart overflowed with love for this green eyed little brother who\u2019d surprised him more than once in their lives together. He wanted so to tell him how much his belief meant to him, how much he needed to hear those words. But it seemed those words might be too late since his belief in himself was all but gone. It was a slow collapse, like a leaking trough, and it would soon run dry. Kane had him in his clutches and his mind couldn\u2019t fend him off much longer. \u201cIt\u2019s not easy.\u201d<\/p>\n

 <\/p>\n

\u201cJust promise me you\u2019ll try. I don\u2019t want to lose you again.\u201d<\/p>\n

 <\/p>\n

Adam held his brother\u2019s worried gaze feeling his love engulf him and gave him what he wanted most \u2013 he nodded. Joe smiled then and patted Adam\u2019s leg, looking back out onto the windswept trees as he wiped his eyes, concern allayed for the moment.<\/p>\n

 <\/p>\n

\u201cI think you\u2019ll get your wish,\u201d Joe said wanting so to hold his brother, to give him his strength, but knowing he couldn\u2019t. \u201cThe rain\u2019s finally coming.\u201d<\/p>\n

 <\/p>\n

\u201cGuess so,\u201d Adam answered sitting back and watching the clouds, pulling closed his jacket against the wind. \u201cWater to wash away so many things.\u201d<\/p>\n

 <\/p>\n

\u201cTo make things clean again.\u201d Joe watched a small grin turn Adam\u2019s mouth then stood.<\/p>\n

\u201cComing in?\u201d<\/p>\n

 <\/p>\n

\u201cThink I\u2019ll stay a bit longer.\u201d<\/p>\n

 <\/p>\n

\u201cSure?\u201d<\/p>\n

 <\/p>\n

Adam nodded.<\/p>\n

 <\/p>\n

Joe turned back to the house. \u201cI\u2019ll fetch you for dinner. Don\u2019t want Hop Sing threatening to head for China if you don\u2019t show up again.\u201d<\/p>\n

 <\/p>\n

Adam watched his brother leave, emotions overwhelming him as he leaned forward, raising the collar of his coat as a chill claimed him. Trying to shrug it off, feelings of impending doom suddenly surrounded him.<\/p>\n

 <\/p>\n

\u201cThat kid gave some speech,\u201d came Kane\u2019s voice off to his right making him start. \u201cYou believe that stuff?\u201d The passing of a silent moment alone in his own head was all there was. Here came the doom.<\/p>\n

 <\/p>\n

\u201cHe wouldn\u2019t say it if he didn\u2019t mean it,\u201d Adam answered in a tight voice keeping his eyes averted as Kane made his way toward him.<\/p>\n

 <\/p>\n

\u201cOh, really. Well, then I suppose that time he cold cocked you with that piece of lumber then threw a couple of choice words at you while you lay on the ground bleeding was meant too.\u201d<\/p>\n

 <\/p>\n

\u201cYes, he meant that, too,\u201d Adam agreed not daring to rub the shoulder that held a permanent bruise.<\/p>\n

 <\/p>\n

\u201cOver a girl, wasn\u2019t it?\u201d<\/p>\n

 <\/p>\n

\u201cYou already know so why . . . why go over it?\u201d Adam said with a heavy sigh, trying to wish him away.<\/p>\n

 <\/p>\n

\u201cI just wanted to remind you, Cartwright, that the boy don\u2019t have wings. He just confessed he talked your Pa into leaving you behind along with that other brother of yours. That don\u2019t sound like a loving family to me.\u201d<\/p>\n

 <\/p>\n

\u201cLeave them alone.\u201d Come after me, not them!<\/em><\/p>\n

 <\/p>\n

\u201cTouchy. Well, seeing that you know now they were going to leave you behind, I might be thinking something different about them. My Pa, too. The man that brought you into this world turning his back, giving you to me<\/u><\/em>. Don\u2019t sound like a family I\u2019d want to be a part of.\u201d<\/p>\n

 <\/p>\n

\u201cLeave them alone!\u201d Adam yelled whipping up his head to finally face Kane, to face this particular demon. Instead he found Ben standing next to him, brows raised in question.<\/p>\n

 <\/p>\n

\u201cAdam?\u201d<\/p>\n

 <\/p>\n

Quickly looking away, he hastily stood only to have Ben grab his arm as he swayed.<\/p>\n

 <\/p>\n

\u201cAre you all right, son?\u201d<\/p>\n

\u00a0<\/em><\/p>\n

No. I\u2019ve got a ghost driving me crazy. <\/em>\u201cFine, Pa,\u201d was all he said, still not able to look him in the eye.<\/p>\n

 <\/p>\n

Letting go, Ben fully expected him to hightail it to the house but, instead, he stood stock still in front of him.<\/p>\n

 <\/p>\n

\u201cUm, we might finally get some rain tonight,\u201d observed Ben.<\/p>\n

 <\/p>\n

\u201cYeah,\u201d Adam answered hearing more thunder off to the right, wanting so to leave but finding his feet stuck firmly to the ground.<\/p>\n

 <\/p>\n

\u201cAdam,\u201d Ben started. \u201cIt wasn\u2019t your fault, son. You were dreaming.\u201d<\/p>\n

 <\/p>\n

\u201cI tried to kill you, Pa,\u201d he answered not turning around.<\/p>\n

 <\/p>\n

\u201cNo . . .\u201d<\/p>\n

 <\/p>\n

\u201cYes!\u201d he said his voice rising. \u201cMy hands . . .\u201d<\/p>\n

 <\/p>\n

\u201cAdam, look at me. Look at me,\u201d Ben ordered, his boy slowly turning regretful eyes toward him making his heart ache. \u201cYes, it was<\/u><\/em> your hands around my neck but it wasn\u2019t me you were attacking. It was Kane. I love you and hold no grudge against you. That should be what you remember. Don\u2019t let him take anymore from you than he already has.\u201d<\/p>\n

 <\/p>\n

\u201cLies, all lies!\u201d came Kane\u2019s voice from behind Ben startling Adam who quickly averted his eyes to focus on his father\u2019s vest.<\/p>\n

 <\/p>\n

\u201cIt\u2019s hard to . . . to fight,\u201d Adam admitted.<\/p>\n

 <\/p>\n

\u201cBut you must keep fighting,\u201d Ben said trying to look into his son\u2019s eyes. \u201cThe man is dead. He can\u2019t hurt you anymore.\u201d<\/p>\n

 <\/p>\n

\u201cThat\u2019s what he thinks.\u201d<\/p>\n

 <\/p>\n

Adam couldn\u2019t help but see a hand raise, Kane\u2019s hand, behind Ben, pretending to shot him in the back. \u201cOnly that will be by your<\/u><\/em> hand, Cartwright, not mine.\u201d<\/p>\n

 <\/p>\n

\u201cNo . . .\u201d<\/p>\n

 <\/p>\n

\u201cHe can\u2019t hurt you, Adam,\u201d Ben said, holding firmly to his shoulders. \u201cYou<\/u><\/em> won\u2019t let him.\u201d<\/p>\n

 <\/p>\n

\u201cI ain\u2019t gonna hurt you, Cartwright. You\u2019re<\/u><\/em> gonna hurt them.\u201d<\/p>\n

\u00a0<\/em><\/p>\n

Look at him! Get it over with!<\/em><\/p>\n

 <\/p>\n

\u201cGo on, get a good look, Cartwright. I dare you.\u201d<\/p>\n

 <\/p>\n

\u201cI . . . can\u2019t.\u201d Adam shivered, feeling himself die inside. Joe\u2019s words disappeared under Kane\u2019s, knowing he didn\u2019t have the willpower to resist and soon his father and brothers would be dead. Ben narrowed his eyes. Adam was giving up and he didn\u2019t know what to do.<\/p>\n

 <\/p>\n

Paul wanted them to stop babying him or he\u2019d never be what he was, but this was his son, the boy who\u2019d traveled with him across country, who shared in everything, and all he wanted to do was take him in his arms and hold him against all evils that trespassed upon his soul . . . even if they could not be seen.<\/p>\n

 <\/p>\n

\u201cCome on,\u201d Ben finally said, wrapping an arm about him. \u201cYou\u2019re cold. Let\u2019s go back inside.\u201d Pulling on Adam\u2019s unresisting arms, they headed toward the house, Kane\u2019s laugh echoing behind them.<\/p>\n

 <\/p>\n

\u201cSleep tight, Cartwright, and dream of your father and brothers. They won\u2019t see the morning.\u201d<\/p>\n

 <\/p>\n

***********<\/p>\n

 <\/p>\n

Hop Sing was worried about three things: his potatoes mildewing, his family falling apart and Number One son. Of course, the potatoes were far less important than his family and his favorite son more important than that only because the two were tied together. The potatoes kept his mind busy, kept him from dwelling on what may come if they weren\u2019t careful.<\/p>\n

 <\/p>\n

Since he\u2019d first laid eyes on Adam as he\u2019d pulled the wagon into Salt Flats, concern overtook him. This was not Number One son. This was a shell of the boy he knew and it wasn\u2019t good. He\u2019d seen the effects of the desert before, seen what the heat could do and those who\u2019d lived were never the same. He couldn\u2019t tell them. Hope was what bolstered this family and he couldn\u2019t tell them that the Adam they knew may never return no matter what they did.<\/p>\n

 <\/p>\n

\u201cMust think other things,\u201d the cook mumbled, finishing with the last of the dishes and hanging up his apron. \u201cMust keep hope.\u201d<\/p>\n

 <\/p>\n

Moving out of the kitchen, he checked the front door and lowered the lamps on an empty room. These past weeks had exhausted all of them and early nights were a given, especially when Adam had a tendency to wake everyone with his nightmares. Glancing up at Number One son\u2019s door, he shook his head and said a prayer.<\/p>\n

\u00a0<\/em><\/p>\n

Please let what I see not be true. <\/em><\/p>\n

 <\/p>\n

Making his way back to the kitchen, he doused the lantern and headed for his own room, reaching for the door before he noticed it was partly open. All the Cartwright\u2019s were welcomed in his room but none entered without knocking, something Ben made very clear to the boys when they\u2019d been little and it had stuck. He was a member of the family after all.<\/p>\n

 <\/p>\n

Peeking around the side, he saw nothing but dark, swearing he\u2019d lit the lamp earlier. And then he heard it \u2013 a shuddering breath \u2013 and quickly returned to the kitchen, taking the lantern by the stove and relighting it to stick through the door, showering the room with light. It took but a few moments to reveal the occupant.<\/p>\n

 <\/p>\n

\u201cMister Adam?\u201d he called seeing Number One son squeezed as far into a corner as he could get, arms wrapped tightly about his knees, hiding his face against them. He was breathing heavily and his clinging nightshirt told the story of another nightmare.<\/p>\n

 <\/p>\n

Placing the lantern on the side table, Hop Sing knelt in front of him, unsure what to do. If he scared him who knew what would happen; if he just waited he could be sitting here for a long time. He chose to sit and wait in silence, leaning against the wall next to Adam. True he often threatened to return to China if the boys messed with him but he had the patience of a saint. You had to, with the Cartwright\u2019s. His patience was quickly rewarded.<\/p>\n

 <\/p>\n

\u201cI\u2019m sorry,\u201d finally came, Hop Sing straining to hear.<\/p>\n

 <\/p>\n

\u201cWhat sorry for?\u201d he asked as Adam barely raised his head, glancing furtively at him then away.<\/p>\n

 <\/p>\n

\u201cDidn\u2019t knock.\u201d<\/p>\n

 <\/p>\n

\u201cOh,\u201d Hop Sing responded with a wry grin. \u201cIt okay. You stay as long as you like.\u201d<\/p>\n

 <\/p>\n

\u201cThat might be forever,\u201d Adam answered with a sigh. \u201cHe doesn\u2019t seem . . . doesn\u2019t seem to come here.\u201d<\/p>\n

 <\/p>\n

Hop Sing frowned. He? Oh, Kane. <\/em>He patted Adam on the arm. \u201cYou stay then. House get sleep that way.\u201d He thought he saw a smirk but he could\u2019ve been mistaken.<\/p>\n

 <\/p>\n

\u201cYou came to Salt Flats?\u201d came the question.<\/p>\n

 <\/p>\n

Hop Sing nodded. \u201cTook three days. It was long three days I ever have,\u201d he began thinking back on the morning Roy Coffee brought him the telegram from Joe and how both their hearts died that day. \u201cLittle Joe not tell much in telegram just bring wagon. I thought to bring Number One son home to be with Missy Marie. He not tell me you alive just hurry. Then I think why tell me hurry if you gone. It was long three days.\u201d He glanced at Adam out of the corner of his eye trying to see if his boy was listening, seeing him rest his chin on his arms.<\/p>\n

 <\/p>\n

\u201cWhen I arrive, Mister Hoss almost break me in two he so happy to see me. After I meet cook I understand.\u201d<\/p>\n

 <\/p>\n

Adam half smiled then grimaced, a familiar Cantonese voice raised in frustration outside a dark room, the same dark room he\u2019d revisited with Joe, filling his head. \u201cYou were . . . yelling. Something . . . something about salt.\u201d<\/p>\n

 <\/p>\n

Hop Sing smiled. \u201cCook know nothing. Give other cooks bad name. I raid kitchen, make good food for you, food to keep down. You no keep down for long but I keep trying, keep trying until some stay.\u201d He could remember a calming presence urging him to eat and trying to comply, wanting to comply. \u201cYou must eat, Mister Adam, I say then and say now. You must eat.\u201d<\/p>\n

 <\/p>\n

\u201cI\u2019m not hungry anymore.\u201d<\/p>\n

 <\/p>\n

\u201cMust eat. Keep strength for fight.\u201d<\/p>\n

 <\/p>\n

\u201cFight?\u201d Adam looked at his friend then, squinting against the headache that pounded, devoted eyes enveloping him.<\/p>\n

 <\/p>\n

\u201cHim. Kane. Can\u2019t fight when have no strength.\u201d<\/p>\n

 <\/p>\n

Adam looked away as tears gathered. \u201cHe has me already,\u201d he answered rubbing his temples.<\/p>\n

 <\/p>\n

\u201cNo, Mister Adam,\u201d Hop Sing said, touching his arm. \u201cHe never have you. You good man. He bad man. Tell him go.\u201d<\/p>\n

 <\/p>\n

\u201cEasier said . . .\u201d<\/p>\n

 <\/p>\n

Hop Sing leaned in close and grabbed Adam\u2019s chin, turning his face to him before he could finish the sentence. \u201cI know you since little boy. Always strong, always able to find way even in darkest hour. I never worry for you like Little Joe. You not look for trouble but trouble find you anyway. And trouble still here. But you strong, inside, despite what feel. Besides Mr. Cartwright, you strongest man I know and I have faith you find right path, find peace.\u201d<\/p>\n

 <\/p>\n

\u201cThe right path?\u201d<\/p>\n

 <\/p>\n

\u201cTraveling right path bring you home, Mister Adam. All you must do is find.\u201d<\/p>\n

 <\/p>\n

Adam gently pulled Hop Sing\u2019s hand from his chin and held it tightly giving him a weary smile. \u201cYou\u2019ve always been here when I\u2019ve . . . I\u2019ve been lost.\u201d<\/p>\n

 <\/p>\n

\u201cPart of job. You have harder part,\u201d the cook said, smiling back at him. \u201cYou no eat tonight. I get food. You eat some. I no take no for answer.\u201d<\/p>\n

 <\/p>\n

Adam smiled at his friend, smiled at the man who\u2019d always showered he and his brothers with love and understanding, and thanked whoever sent him their way those many years before. Rubbing his head, he watch him go just wanting silence, wanting his head to stop hurting and Kane to leave him alone and give him some peace.<\/p>\n

 <\/p>\n

He\u2019d had little of it since he\u2019d come inside the house with his father, feeling all their eyes on him as he made his way slowly to his room, hoping against hope that Kane would be silent and it\u2019d worked for a time, time enough to dwell upon Kane\u2019s last comment \u2013 \u2018they won\u2019t see the morning\u2019.<\/p>\n

 <\/p>\n

Tumbling into bed, he\u2019d instantly fallen asleep, his head free of dreams for a time, his body getting the sleep he craved until he\u2019d been rudely awakened by Kane yelling in his ear. Tossing himself from the bed, he pushed himself into a corner holding pillows over his ears until he couldn\u2019t take it anymore and rushed from the room, tumbling down the last flight of stairs to roll into the blue velvet chair he\u2019d once occupied every night with a good book. When no one came to help, he glanced about the room finding it empty, eyes alighting on the front door.<\/p>\n

 <\/p>\n

The barn! Get to the barn! <\/em><\/p>\n

\u00a0<\/em><\/p>\n

It\u2019s too far!<\/em><\/p>\n

 <\/p>\n

Kane\u2019s voice came to him from the top of the stairs and he pulled himself shakily to his feet, fear fueling his steps as he raced into the kitchen spying Hop Sing\u2019s knives along the wall. One quick stab to the gut with an up thrust for good measure and it would all be over. He would remove the cause of his family\u2019s death at the source. Grisly thoughts stopped when he heard Kane coming closer and panic ran through him.<\/p>\n

\u00a0<\/em><\/p>\n

Frantically searching for a way out, he headed straight for Hop Sing\u2019s room, plunging inside to immediately blow out the lamp and scramble into a far corner, making himself as small as possible and hiding his head with childish hopes of keeping the monster at bay. And a curious thing happened – silence, both in his head and out. Had he finally outsmarted Kane, beaten him at his own game?<\/p>\n

\u00a0<\/em><\/p>\n

Who cares! He\u2019s not here!<\/em><\/p>\n

 <\/p>\n

Now, lifting his gaze to survey the room, he wondered what had happened. What was so special about this room that kept Kane out of his head? Was it the peace Hop Sing always brought with him or something else?<\/p>\n

\u00a0<\/em><\/p>\n

I\u2019ll never leave. A silent prison is still a prison.<\/em><\/p>\n

 <\/p>\n

Hop Sing had spoken of the right path, the path to find peace. \u201cIt\u2019s not here,\u201d he whispered aloud.<\/p>\n

 <\/p>\n

**********<\/p>\n

 <\/p>\n

Hop Sing\u2019s smile faded as he turned from Adam and exited the room. Always his words had given the family hope, always Number One son seemed to take them to heart but now . . .\u00a0 It didn\u2019t matter that he seemed to be listening. Seemed was the word here. The look in his eyes as he\u2019d grabbed his hand was the look of . . . finality.<\/p>\n

\u00a0<\/em><\/p>\n

No matter. Will be fine.<\/em><\/p>\n

 <\/p>\n

Hearing a noise, he looked out into the great room seeing Hoss closing Ben\u2019s door, standing silently before it.<\/p>\n

 <\/p>\n

\u201cHe wake?\u201d Hop Sing called, scurrying over to the stairs making Hoss turn.<\/p>\n

 <\/p>\n

\u201cNo,\u201d Hoss answered moving to the head of the stairs. \u201cFell asleep in his clothes again.\u201d Running a hand through his thinning hair, he yawned then nodded toward Adam\u2019s room. \u201cHe all right? Haven\u2019t heard him tonight.\u201d<\/p>\n

 <\/p>\n

\u201cNot there. In my room.\u201d<\/p>\n

 <\/p>\n

\u201cYour room?\u201d<\/p>\n

 <\/p>\n

\u201cHe not all right. He lost, Mister Hoss. He very lost.\u201d<\/p>\n

 <\/p>\n

\u201cWe cain\u2019t give up, Hop Sing, not again. We\u2019ll bring him home. We\u2019ll bring him home.\u201d<\/p>\n

 <\/p>\n

***********<\/p>\n

 <\/p>\n

THURSDAY \u2013 PRESENT DAY<\/u><\/p>\n

 <\/p>\n

The cloud cover kept the beginnings of the rising sun from shining out across the land, trapping it in shadows and fog as a lone rider stood silently amongst the trees, knowing his current course of action was the right one.<\/p>\n

 <\/p>\n

Leaving the house had been easy. What hadn\u2019t been easy was the time he\u2019d wasted standing at the sideboard fretting over his gun. Yes, he was determined to end it all; yes, he was doing this for his family before Kane killed them; and no, he didn\u2019t know if he had the guts to carry it out. Why just days before this very thought had crossed his mind but he\u2019d pushed it aside, not wanting to put his family through the grief of finding his cold dead body somewhere. But now, now he had reason to complete this task \u2013 he was a danger to them and he couldn\u2019t allow that.<\/p>\n

 <\/p>\n

Junebug stomped the ground and snorted. She\u2019d been easy enough to catch \u2013 two lumps of sugar and a rub under the neck and she\u2019d followed him out of the corral. He hadn\u2019t thought to close the gate.<\/p>\n

 <\/p>\n

What he had<\/u><\/em> thought of was how Hoss wouldn\u2019t be able to track her like he could Sport, and as if recognizing his master\u2019s thoughts, a loud neigh had erupted from the barn making his smile soon change to a frown. At least Sport would live a good life, for he supposed his father would turn him out to pasture where he could have his way with the fillies until he couldn\u2019t walk. It would be too painful for Ben seeing Sport standing there day after day waiting for a son who wasn\u2019t coming home. Junebug snorted again.<\/p>\n

 <\/p>\n

\u201cI hear you,\u201d Adam said rubbing her neck, truly amazed he\u2019d managed to stay on her back at all as they stole out of the yard in the middle of the night. Pulling his yellow coat closer against the early morning dampness that encircled him, he forced himself to sit straighter, pushing aside his weariness in favor of completing what he\u2019d begun. And as difficult as this task was he knew it was the only way he was going to make things right, the only way he could save them.<\/p>\n

\u00a0<\/em><\/p>\n

This\u2019ll soon be over.<\/em><\/p>\n

 <\/p>\n

Urging Junebug out of the trees toward his destination, he eased her up the slight incline of the daisy covered hill hoping this was the place he might find some of that peace Hop Sing had spoken of, some understanding from the woman who\u2019d helped bring him out of his shell before she died. He\u2019d often regretted that he hadn\u2019t given her much of a chance when she first arrived \u2013 time wasted as he\u2019d told his father much later \u2013 and tried to make up for during her last years. Her death forced him back inside himself, something he also regretted. Maybe she could offer some insight before the end came.<\/p>\n

 <\/p>\n

Easing his leg over Junebug\u2019s back, the ground rushed up to greet him as knees buckled and dizziness dropped on him, arms wrapped tightly about his stomach as it rebelled. This wouldn\u2019t do and he tried to keep what little he\u2019d eaten just hours before where it was, but his system wouldn\u2019t have it and up it came leaving him weaker than before to fall over in a breathless heap, Junebug nuzzling his face.<\/p>\n

 <\/p>\n

\u201cI\u2019m fine,\u201d he said finally catching his breath and pushing himself up on wobbly arms to look at who he came to see \u2013 Marie Cartwright.<\/p>\n

 <\/p>\n

\u201cRather plain,\u201d entered Kane\u2019s voice from behind prompting Adam to immediately lower his eyes, the sound of scrunching grass filling him as booted feet passed. \u201cSeems like old Cartwright would\u2019ve sprung for something fancier.\u201d<\/p>\n

 <\/p>\n

Adam shook his head.<\/p>\n

\u00a0<\/em><\/p>\n

Not real!<\/em><\/p>\n

 <\/p>\n

\u201cThis is the only mama you boys can see and she\u2019s left out here on this lonely hill, so far from the house. Seems like she\u2019d be closer.\u201d<\/p>\n

 <\/p>\n

Adam suddenly seethed inside. \u201cLeave . . . her . . . alone,\u201d came his strained voice.<\/p>\n

 <\/p>\n

\u201cYou are<\/u><\/em> mixed up, boy,\u201d Kane said watching as Adam breathed heavily. \u201cShe\u2019s dead and gone. This is just a slab of granite, soon to cover the heads of your brothers and father.\u201d<\/p>\n

 <\/p>\n

\u201cShut up!\u201d<\/p>\n

 <\/p>\n

\u201cYou<\/u><\/em> brought me here, Cartwright. You brought me with you,\u201d he replied moving around the gravestone to kneel in front of him. \u201cThese words are coming from you not me. I\u2019m a ghost, a memory, a stray thought in a crazy mind, a mind that can be controlled now that you\u2019ve given up.\u201d<\/p>\n

 <\/p>\n

\u201cI haven\u2019t . . . given up.\u201d<\/p>\n

 <\/p>\n

\u201cOh? What do you call this then?\u201d he asked, pushing himself back to his feet to walk around Adam. \u201cRunning away from home in the middle of the night; not taking your own horse; stopping here to say your last goodbyes. You don\u2019t fool me, Cartwright. That\u2019s giving up.\u201d<\/p>\n

 <\/p>\n

Adam shook. He could see Kane\u2019s boots, saw the grass . . .<\/p>\n

\u00a0<\/em><\/p>\n

How could this not<\/u> be real?<\/em><\/p>\n

 <\/p>\n

\u201cI . . . I have to save my family.\u201d<\/p>\n

 <\/p>\n

\u201cNot from me,\u201d Kane answered. \u201cFrom you.\u201d<\/p>\n

 <\/p>\n

\u201cNo!\u201d<\/p>\n

 <\/p>\n

\u201cFrom you<\/u><\/em>, Cartwright,\u201d Kane whispered in his ear.<\/p>\n

 <\/p>\n

\u201cGet away from me!\u201d he yelled scrambling to his feet only to stumble into Junebug, his eyes involuntarily falling on Kane. His stomach twisted at the sight of those devil blue eyes of hate and that smile filled with white teeth that gleamed even in death.<\/p>\n

\u00a0<\/em><\/p>\n

He is real! He is<\/u> real!<\/em><\/p>\n

 <\/p>\n

\u201cThere now, Cartwright. Same as you remember? Even the bruises around my neck?\u201d Kane threw in leaning back his head to laugh as Adam sprinted around Junebug and desperately pulled himself aboard, yelling for the animal to flee. Kane\u2019s laugh echoed behind him until only Marie was left to view the empty hill around her.<\/p>\n

 <\/p>\n

*************<\/p>\n

 <\/p>\n

Ben drew Buck to a sliding stop, glancing over the hill before him. Adam wasn\u2019t here. He was so sure this would be where he\u2019d come to pay his last respects to the woman that represented all his mothers.<\/p>\n

\u00a0<\/em><\/p>\n

Where are you?!<\/em><\/p>\n

 <\/p>\n

Surveying the land for some direction to follow, his mind drifted to his own inner turmoil. He\u2019d sat in the house, holding that holster, images of Adam\u2019s life revolving about his tired mind until he thought he\u2019d scream. Then Hop Sing touched his shoulder and handed him his hat and coat, exchanging Adam\u2019s empty holster for his full one and pushed him toward the door to see Buck saddled and waiting. Adam was going to kill himself, of that he was sure. He had to stop him.<\/p>\n

 <\/p>\n

Looking again at the surrounding landscape, the dark early morning sky revealed nothing \u2013 no trail, no tracks, no Adam.<\/p>\n

\u00a0<\/em><\/p>\n

Where are you?! I\u2019m here to help you! But there\u2019s no one that <\/em>can<\/u> help you, is there?<\/em><\/p>\n

 <\/p>\n

Ben had promised . . . he\u2019d made a promise sitting on Adam\u2019s bedroom floor, clutching his broken son to him – \u2018Pa\u2019ll make him go away\u2019 –\u00a0 and there was nothing he could do. The battle waged inside Adam\u2019s mind – fighting with himself and the memory of Kane.<\/p>\n

 <\/p>\n

Tears crept into Ben\u2019s tired eyes and he shook his head. \u201cThink, damn you, think!\u201d came his husky voice as he wiped at his eyes. \u201cThere\u2019s no time for this! No time!\u201d<\/p>\n

 <\/p>\n

Adam took another horse knowing Hoss would be able to track Sport. He\u2019d had enough wits about him to do that. Thought was put into it. He thought about what he was doing. Thought . . .<\/p>\n

 <\/p>\n

And then it came to him and he admonished himself for not remembering. Quickly turning Buck away from the hill that held his beloved wife, Ben kicked him into a frantic gallop hoping he would be in time.<\/p>\n

\u00a0<\/em><\/p>\n

Let me be with him!<\/em><\/p>\n

 <\/p>\n

* * * * * * * * * *<\/p>\n

 <\/p>\n

If he\u2019d been in better shape, the fall might\u2019ve killed him. But Adam\u2019s constitution at present was nothing short of collapse, so when Junebug took a misstep and, at full gallop, fell to the ground, his weak body bent and bounced like a rag doll over every rock and scrub brush without breaking, rolling to a stop next to a log seat wedged between two rocks. A distressing whinny brought him back to some semblance of coherence, and he opened grit filled eyes, surprised they still opened and wishing they hadn\u2019t.<\/p>\n

 <\/p>\n

Junebug called again and, finding a minute reserve of determination, he got his knees under him and crawled toward the downed animal, seeing her struggling a few yards away.<\/p>\n

 <\/p>\n

\u201cI\u2019m sorry,\u201d he coughed out, wincing at the new pains that permeated his battered body, vaguely brushing away blood that dripped down his face. \u201cSsh, ssh,\u201d he tried to comfort looking her over for breaks and finding nothing but an exhausted animal he\u2019d ridden into the ground. Never in his lifetime had he done such a thing. \u201cI\u2019m so sorry, girl,\u201d he whispered in a soothing voice.<\/p>\n

 <\/p>\n

\u201cHow touching,\u201d Kane\u2019s voice came making him shudder. \u201cYou made me kill my mule but I didn\u2019t see any of this for me.\u201d<\/p>\n

 <\/p>\n

\u201cYou<\/u><\/em> killed Epicene!\u201d<\/p>\n

 <\/p>\n

\u201cThere you go again, Cartwright, blaming me for what you did.\u201d<\/p>\n

 <\/p>\n

\u201cI didn\u2019t kill your damn mule!\u201d He purposely faced him then, again the sight grabbing a hold of him, sucking the air from his lungs.<\/p>\n

 <\/p>\n

\u201cSemantics,\u201d Kane responded with a wave of his hand, moving to sit on the log seat and looking about the area. \u201cIsn\u2019t this one of your \u2018thinking\u2019 places4<\/sup>? A place you go to get away from everyone to work things out?\u201d When Adam didn\u2019t respond he looked back to him. \u201cNot a place to end it all. Wouldn\u2019t your bloody corpse sort of ruin the beauty of the place?\u201d<\/p>\n

 <\/p>\n

\u201cWhat . . . do you want . . . from me?!\u201d Adam angrily asked through clenched teeth continuing to run his hand down Junebug\u2019s neck.<\/p>\n

 <\/p>\n

\u201cWhat do I<\/u><\/em> want from you<\/u><\/em>? How about my life for starters.\u201d<\/p>\n

 <\/p>\n

\u201cI didn\u2019t kill you.\u201d<\/p>\n

 <\/p>\n

\u201cSo you keep saying.\u201d<\/p>\n

 <\/p>\n

\u201cMy family wouldn\u2019t lie.\u201d<\/p>\n

 <\/p>\n

\u201cOh, now<\/u> you believe them? Well, when you find yourself pointing a gun at your father and pulling the trigger, maybe then you\u2019ll believe me<\/u><\/em>.\u201d<\/p>\n

 <\/p>\n

\u201cI won\u2019t ever do that.\u201d<\/p>\n

 <\/p>\n

\u201cYou\u2019ve already done that to your brother.\u201d<\/p>\n

 <\/p>\n

\u201cI was shooting at you!\u201d<\/p>\n

 <\/p>\n

\u201cBut not to kill me right?\u201d Adam remained silent, unable to argue that point. \u201cYour will is gone. Whatever I say you\u2019ll do. There\u2019s nothing left to fight with.\u201d<\/p>\n

 <\/p>\n

\u201cI\u2019ve a gun,\u201d Adam said.<\/p>\n

 <\/p>\n

\u201cYou mean you had<\/u><\/em> a gun,\u201d Kane continued looking toward the ground between his feet. Following his gaze, Adam spied the weapon lying on the ground out of reach and berated himself for his weakness. All he had to do was crawl over, get the gun and finish what he\u2019d started. All he had to do . . .\u00a0 Frozen in place, he just continued to stare at it and raged at the fear that ran through him.<\/p>\n

\u00a0<\/em><\/p>\n

Go get it!\u00a0 <\/em><\/p>\n

\u00a0<\/em><\/p>\n

I can\u2019t.<\/em><\/p>\n

 <\/p>\n

\u201cOnly thing left,\u201d Kane continued looking to his right, \u201cis to toss yourself off that cliff. That\u2019s the only way you\u2019ll be rid of me, the only way your family will be safe.\u201d\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0 <\/em><\/p>\n

\u00a0<\/em><\/p>\n

The only way I\u2019ll be rid of him. <\/em><\/p>\n

 <\/p>\n

Those words filtered into his numb mind making him look toward the cliff\u2019s edge knowing the distance to the bottom was about sixty feet. He would never survive the fall.<\/p>\n

 <\/p>\n

\u201cYou haven\u2019t got the guts, Cartwright,\u201d Kane nudged. \u201cNot anymore.\u201d<\/p>\n

 <\/p>\n

Adam made himself look at Kane then, attempting to push aside the dread that immobilized him and move into action. Reaching out and grabbing the nearest bush, he slowly rose to his feet, dismissing the flash of pain through his back as he splayed his legs apart to keep his balance, keeping an eye on this new goal. He took a step.<\/p>\n

\u00a0<\/em><\/p>\n

This is the only way.<\/em><\/p>\n

 <\/p>\n

\u201cOf course it is. You\u2019re crazy,\u201d Kane added, watching his prey falter for a moment to lean against a tall pine only to push on, moving in a weaving line toward his objective.<\/p>\n

 <\/p>\n

Loose rocks dribbled over the side to bounce noisily into the darkness below, drawing his attention downward to what was about to become his last resting place. He couldn\u2019t see clear to the bottom, shadows inundating those depths, but he\u2019d ridden that ravine looking for strays often enough to know it was littered with rocks and shrubs and bones of those left behind. Soon it would be he<\/u><\/em> who was left behind.<\/p>\n

\u00a0<\/em><\/p>\n

This is going to hurt.<\/em><\/p>\n

 <\/p>\n

\u201cOnly for a moment,\u201d Kane explained, standing and following after him. \u201cBut then you\u2019ll be released and I\u2019ll be gone.\u201d<\/p>\n

\u00a0<\/em><\/p>\n

He\u2019ll be gone and I\u2019ll be free!<\/em><\/p>\n

 <\/p>\n

The sudden feeling of elation died and Adam frowned. Kane wasn\u2019t making any effort to stop him. In fact, he was pushing him forward. He turned to see Kane settle against a nearby rock, arms crossed.<\/p>\n

 <\/p>\n

\u201cIf I die, you die.\u201d<\/p>\n

 <\/p>\n

\u201cTrue,\u201d came the answer. \u201cBut I know you\u2019re too weak to kill yourself so I\u2019ve no worries.\u201d<\/p>\n

 <\/p>\n

Too weak \u2013 too weak to think; too weak to breathe; too weak to finish the job.<\/p>\n

\u00a0<\/em><\/p>\n

Not this time.<\/em><\/p>\n

 <\/p>\n

Looking once more into the depths of the ravine, Adam was determined to finish what he\u2019d started. He would not be the cause of his family\u2019s death. He would not let Kane kill them.<\/p>\n

 <\/p>\n

\u201cAdam?\u201d came a new quiet voice behind him, piercing through Kane\u2019s enveloping presence like a knife. He closed his eyes<\/p>\n

\u00a0<\/em><\/p>\n

Not now, Pa.<\/em><\/p>\n

 <\/p>\n

\u201cAdam, what are you doing?\u201d<\/p>\n

 <\/p>\n

\u201cAh, the great father appears to see his son\u2019s last gasp of life! Tell him, Cartwright,\u201d Kane insisted. \u201cTell him why before you plunge to your death.\u201d<\/p>\n

 <\/p>\n

Ben\u2019s heart thumped loudly in his chest, so loudly he could\u2019ve sworn it was echoing off the surrounding rocks. Now was the moment when he would either talk his boy into his arms or watch him leap to his death and he was petrified. A misplaced word, a sudden grab could be the end of it all.<\/p>\n

\u00a0<\/em><\/p>\n

Damn, Kane!<\/em><\/p>\n

 <\/p>\n

He\u2019d seen Junebug sitting up but unable to regain her footing and knew they\u2019d taken a fall — dirt smeared across Adam\u2019s jacket and pants were evidence of that, but he seemed to be in one piece, at least, for now. I have to keep trying! <\/em>\u201cAdam . . .\u201d<\/p>\n

 <\/p>\n

\u201cIt\u2019s for the best, Pa,\u201d Adam forced out in hopes that Ben would back away and leave him to finish what he\u2019d started, but knowing he wouldn\u2019t. He didn\u2019t understand what was at stake.<\/p>\n

\u00a0<\/em><\/p>\n

Then tell him.<\/em><\/p>\n

 <\/p>\n

\u201cHow can ending your life be for the best?\u201d came the confused question.<\/p>\n

 <\/p>\n

Adam paused for a moment. Just tell him. <\/em>\u201cTo save yours.\u201d<\/p>\n

 <\/p>\n

\u201cFrom whom?\u201d<\/p>\n

 <\/p>\n

\u201cMe.\u201d<\/p>\n

 <\/p>\n

There was no indecision, no question in that one word surprising Ben with its clarity. Adam truly believed that he was the dangerous one. It took everything he had to restrain himself from stepping forward and drag him from the edge to drum some sense into him. How could he think that?<\/em><\/p>\n

 <\/p>\n

\u201cOh, Adam, you could never hurt us.\u201d<\/p>\n

 <\/p>\n

\u201cBut I already have, Pa,\u201d he answered.<\/p>\n

\u00a0<\/em><\/p>\n

\u201cYou\u2019ve never hurt us in your life. You\u2019ve always taken care of us, taken care of me.\u201d<\/p>\n

 <\/p>\n

Adam glanced then at his father, still hearing a slight crack to his voice to remind him of past deeds, Ben now seeing blood trickling down the side of his face.<\/p>\n

 <\/p>\n

\u201cHow?\u201d Adam asked not understanding how Ben could have forgotten so quickly. \u201cI tried to shoot Hoss, I attacked you . . .\u201d<\/p>\n

 <\/p>\n

\u201cThat wasn\u2019t you, Adam,\u201d Ben answered.<\/p>\n

 <\/p>\n

\u201cPa, don\u2019t. I do<\/u><\/em> remember that.\u201d<\/p>\n

 <\/p>\n

\u201cYou\u2019ve been ill. Nothing you\u2019ve done has . . .\u201d<\/p>\n

 <\/p>\n

\u201cMaking excuses for me doesn\u2019t . . . doesn\u2019t help.\u201d<\/p>\n

 <\/p>\n

Ben\u2019s face grew stern. \u201cI\u2019ve never made excuses for you, Adam. I\u2019ve never had too and I never will.\u201d<\/p>\n

 <\/p>\n

\u201cHe thinks highly of you, Cartwright,\u201d Kane interjected. \u201cToo bad he\u2019ll be dead before he can change his mind.\u201d<\/p>\n

 <\/p>\n

\u201cYou were dreaming, Adam. What happened that night . . .\u201d<\/p>\n

 <\/p>\n

\u201cWas me<\/u><\/em>, Pa. Me<\/u><\/em> killing Kane. You got in the way. I can\u2019t . . . I won\u2019t let that happen again.\u201d<\/p>\n

 <\/p>\n

\u201cThey\u2019ll be safe if you jump, Cartwright.\u201d<\/p>\n

 <\/p>\n

\u201cDon\u2019t let Kane kill you, son. He\u2019s not worth it.\u201d<\/p>\n

 <\/p>\n

\u201cHe\u2019s begging for his life.\u201d<\/p>\n

 <\/p>\n

\u201cHe\u2019s in my head, Pa!\u201d Adam struggled trying to ignore Kane\u2019s persistent pestering. \u201cThis . . . this is the only way I can make sure he\u2019ll never\u00a0 . . . I\u2019ll<\/u><\/em> never hurt anyone again.\u201d<\/p>\n

 <\/p>\n

\u201cThere has to be another way,\u201d Ben pleaded. \u201cDon\u2019t waste your life over him.\u201d<\/p>\n

 <\/p>\n

\u201cHe\u2019s grabbing at straws, Cartwright. Does he want you to live this way? Does he want to send you to an asylum?\u201d<\/p>\n

 <\/p>\n

Adam squeezed shut his eyes and raised hands to his ears to block out the voice he knew would continue forever.<\/p>\n

 <\/p>\n

Ben took a step to the side, looking behind Adam, flashing the empty space with an angry glare. \u201cHe\u2019s here now<\/u>,<\/em> isn\u2019t he? Well, don\u2019t listen to him. Listen to me.\u201d<\/p>\n

 <\/p>\n

\u201cJust . . . just let me go, Pa.\u201d<\/p>\n

 <\/p>\n

Ben was losing and he couldn\u2019t, he wouldn\u2019t let that happen. He\u2019d made a vow that night. He wouldn\u2019t break it. \u201cSince you were a little boy, clinging to Hoss as his mother lay dead on the floor, arrows and bullets falling about you, you\u2019ve never given up and I won\u2019t let you start now.\u201d<\/p>\n

 <\/p>\n

\u201cDon\u2019t let him pull that on you, Cartwright. You\u2019re a murderer, a shame to the family. Jump and let them get on with their lives.\u201d<\/p>\n

 <\/p>\n

\u201cStop it!\u201d Adam shouted toward Kane, shifting a heated scowl toward Ben. \u201cStay away from me, Pa, before I do something I\u2019ll regret.\u201d<\/p>\n

 <\/p>\n

\u201cKilling yourself because a maniac tells you too will be something you regret,\u201d Ben retorted. \u201cYou of all people should know that.\u201d<\/p>\n

 <\/p>\n

\u201cI\u2019m just . . . I\u2019m just done. I can\u2019t fight him any longer.\u201d<\/p>\n

 <\/p>\n

Ben cringed at the tone coming from his oldest. It was defeat, something he\u2019d never heard from this boy, the one who\u2019d always been responsible, always strong, never one to falter under adversity \u00a0. . . until now. He couldn\u2019t let that happen.<\/p>\n

 <\/p>\n

\u201cSon, I know you\u2019re tired and I know you think you\u2019ve reached your end, but I also know that you\u2019re a Cartwright with an inner strength most men envy. Even now you\u2019re fighting him or you\u2019d have flung yourself off this cliff already.\u201d<\/p>\n

 <\/p>\n

\u201cBack off!\u201d Kane yelled at Ben, making Adam jerk at the vehemence there. \u201cDon\u2019t let him keep you from your goal, Cartwright. You have to save them, save him.\u201d<\/p>\n

 <\/p>\n

Ben watched Adam raise a fist, saw him fight the urge to strike him then quickly turn away. He looked out into the empty space behind them.<\/p>\n

 <\/p>\n

\u201cStay away from him, you bastard!\u201d Ben yelled out. \u201cHe\u2019s mine not yours, so keep away! He\u2019ll always be the better man and not some disturbed soul who needs someone else to kill him!\u201d<\/p>\n

 <\/p>\n

\u201cThe better man? You?\u201d Kane laughed at Adam sending little tendrils of misery through him. \u201cYou\u2019re about to kill yourself. Who\u2019s the better man now?\u201d<\/p>\n

 <\/p>\n

\u201cAdam,\u201d Ben said turning back to him, \u201cI\u2019ll always be here for you; all of us are here for you. Never forget that. We\u2019re not giving you up so easily. He can\u2019t hurt you anymore unless you let him.\u201d<\/p>\n

 <\/p>\n

\u201cIf he\u2019s so concerned about your wellbeing, why not ask him about why he<\/u><\/em> left you behind?\u201d<\/p>\n

 <\/p>\n

Ben watched as Adam stiffened, his hand ready to grab.<\/p>\n

 <\/p>\n

\u201cAfraid to ask?\u201d<\/p>\n

 <\/p>\n

\u201cI know why,\u201d Adam answered his heart beating faster. Do I really?<\/em><\/p>\n

 <\/p>\n

\u201cYou know what your brother told you. But this is your Pa. He left you to me.\u201d<\/p>\n

 <\/p>\n

Adam shook his head, determined not to give in. What Joe told him was true. He wouldn\u2019t lie.<\/p>\n

 <\/p>\n

\u201cAdam, talk to me,\u201d Ben begged. \u201cPlease don\u2019t end your life like this without telling me what you\u2019re feeling. Talk to me.\u201d<\/p>\n

 <\/p>\n

Would his father\u2019s story be any different from Joe\u2019s? Would his choice be any less painful?<\/p>\n

\u00a0<\/em><\/p>\n

\u201cYou . . .\u201d Adam began, the words he needed to say tumbling over each other in his head. No longer was he sure where he left off and Kane began, but Kane was right about something \u2013 he did want to know why Ben left him behind. He needed to know. \u201cYou gave up on me,\u201d he finally whispered.<\/p>\n

 <\/p>\n

Ben swallowed and didn\u2019t say a word. Adam lifted dark eyes to his, waiting, waiting for the reason, waiting for an answer, an answer Ben didn\u2019t have. He\u2019d left his son to the desert, left him behind, something that still seemed so incredible. It\u2019d cleaved his soul in two when those words left his mouth, when that decision was made and he\u2019d yet to recover and didn\u2019t know if he ever would. But it was a decision that was made and needed to be explained.<\/p>\n

 <\/p>\n

\u201cYes,\u201d Ben eventually answered his voice low and sad, \u201cyes, we gave up on you.\u201d<\/p>\n

 <\/p>\n

\u201cThen what Joe said,\u201d Adam started, trying to keep the emotion from his voice, \u201cwhat he said was true?\u201d<\/p>\n

 <\/p>\n

The revelation shocked Ben – Joe, the one who\u2019d not wanted Adam to know had been the one to tell him after all.<\/p>\n

 <\/p>\n

\u201cThat you looked all you could?\u201d<\/p>\n

 <\/p>\n

\u201cYes.\u201d<\/p>\n

 <\/p>\n

\u201cAnd there was nothing to find.\u201d<\/p>\n

 <\/p>\n

Ben nodded. \u201cYes, son. We should\u2019ve told you before but there was never a right time. You\u2019ve been so ill and \u00a0\u00a0. . .\u201d<\/p>\n

 <\/p>\n

\u201cWhy?\u201d That\u2019s all he really wanted to know, the reason suddenly so vital to him before he plunged to his death. \u201cWhy did you<\/u><\/em> give up?\u201d<\/p>\n

 <\/p>\n

\u201cHe won\u2019t tell you, Cartwright, because he\u2019s scared.\u201d<\/p>\n

 <\/p>\n

\u201cMy father\u2019s not scared of anything,\u201d Adam answered with great certainty never taking his eyes from his father\u2019s face, watching him look away at those words, weakening that certainty.<\/p>\n

 <\/p>\n

Kane had infiltrated every part of him and he fought to hold onto all that he knew of his family, of his father who had loved and lost three wives, built the Ponderosa from scratch and raised three boys in the wilderness and he knew, above all else, his father wasn\u2019t a quitter.<\/p>\n

 <\/p>\n

But even now, as Ben didn\u2019t answer, his resolve began to waver and he turned his attention back to the ravine.<\/p>\n

\u00a0<\/em><\/p>\n

I know they had reason. I know they tried.<\/em><\/p>\n

 <\/p>\n

Perhaps he did deserve to die. Perhaps they were ashamed of him. Perhaps he was<\/u><\/em> a murderer.<\/p>\n

\u00a0<\/em><\/p>\n

Is that what I am?<\/em><\/p>\n

 <\/p>\n

His foot edged closer to the edge.<\/p>\n

 <\/p>\n

\u201cWe\u2019d been looking for over ten days,\u201d came Ben\u2019s fragile voice, unsure and choked with emotion stopping Adam\u2019s forward motion. He had to make him understand that what he\u2019d been through was as heart wrenching a thing as could befall a father. He had to understand how he tried even though it wasn\u2019t hard enough. He kept his eyes locked on the back of Adam\u2019s head.<\/p>\n

 <\/p>\n

\u201cWe scoured every inch of that damn desert more than once, starting at Eastgate four times and retracing what we thought were your steps over and over until I thought I\u2019d go mad,\u201d he continued, the pain of the journey lacing his words. \u201cWe found your gunbelt on the third outing and I followed footprints that disappeared into the rocks five miles in. I scrambled over every one to see if I could pick up the trail again but there was nothing. I made your brothers do the same until our hands bled. I wouldn\u2019t give up, you see. I couldn\u2019t go home without my boy.\u201d<\/p>\n

 <\/p>\n

\u201cBut he did, Cartwright,\u201d Kane pushed. \u201cHe did.\u201d<\/p>\n

 <\/p>\n

\u201cBut it\u2019d been so long. No one could survive that many days in the desert without food and water. No one. We hadn\u2019t seen anyone, not even a hint of a camp. There was nothing out there.\u201d<\/p>\n

 <\/p>\n

\u201cI<\/u><\/em> was out there,\u201d Adam whispered as Ben shuddered at the words, \u201cwith him.\u201d<\/p>\n

 <\/p>\n

\u201cYou tell him, Cartwright.\u201d<\/p>\n

 <\/p>\n

\u201cI tried everything, Adam, all that I\u2019d learned crossing deserts I put into play and there was nothing. We couldn\u2019t find you and no matter how hard we looked or how long I knew, deep down, it wouldn\u2019t be enough. I\u2019d lost my boy and I wouldn\u2019t even have a body to bury next to Marie, and it crushed me. I didn\u2019t want to stop but for all our sanity I knew we had too.<\/p>\n

 <\/p>\n

\u201cFor their<\/u><\/em> sanity, Cartwright. Their<\/u><\/em> sanity.\u201d<\/p>\n

\u00a0<\/em><\/p>\n

Hold onto what you know!<\/em><\/p>\n

 <\/p>\n

\u201cThere was nothing left to do but go home . . . go home empty handed and desperately wishing otherwise.\u201d<\/p>\n

 <\/p>\n

\u201cYou tried . . . your hardest,\u201d Adam declared. It wasn\u2019t a question. No answer came making him turn to see the hurt on his father\u2019s face.<\/p>\n

 <\/p>\n

\u201cNot hard enough, Cartwright.\u201d<\/p>\n

 <\/p>\n

\u201cWe\u2019d gone as far as we could go,\u201d Ben finally uttered. \u201cWe were beyond our limits, Adam, and we had nothing. We\u2019d lost the last thing we\u2019d held onto for those many days. We\u2019d lost hope.\u201d<\/p>\n

 <\/p>\n

\u201cThey gave up! Your father and brothers gave up! You never would\u2019ve done that!\u201d Kane shouted.<\/p>\n

 <\/p>\n

\u201cWe gave up, Adam,\u201d Ben continued echoing Kane\u2019s statement, \u201cplain and simple and I offer no excuses. Oh, I could stand here and tell you that the trail was blocked, that a fire threatened, but it would be a lie. And because of that, of what we did . . . what I did, I\u2019ve no right to the claim of father.\u201d Grief filled him, knowing he was talking Adam right off the cliff, but his son deserved honesty above all else. \u201cYou\u2019re mine, of my flesh, and I should\u2019ve gone on until I could go no further . . . and I have to live with that and how a trust has been broken. I don\u2019t ask forgiveness, Adam. I would never ask for that.\u201d<\/p>\n

 <\/p>\n

\u201cHa! He finally admits it,\u201d Kane laughed.<\/p>\n

 <\/p>\n

Adam looked back into the dark ravine playing his father\u2019s words over and over in his head. He was confused. Just moments before he\u2019d made up his mind. It would be so easy to just step off, to rid himself of this constant battle for his own sanity, to keep his family safe. But now he wavered.<\/p>\n

 <\/p>\n

Joe seemed to think he would\u2019ve gone on until one or all of them were dead; his father stood here blaming himself for saving the family and now, now as recovered memories brought more answers, he wasn\u2019t so sure he wouldn\u2019t have offered his father the same advice, no matter how it destroyed them.<\/p>\n

 <\/p>\n

\u201cCartwright?\u201d came Kane\u2019s questioning voice, his laugh petering out at Adam\u2019s continued silence. \u201cSay something.\u201d He waited stepping toward Adam to stand next to Ben. \u201cThey left you to rot in the desert. They don\u2019t care. He\u2019s not asking for forgiveness because he knows you won\u2019t give it.\u201d<\/p>\n

\u00a0<\/em><\/p>\n

Do I need it?<\/em><\/p>\n

 <\/p>\n

He\u2019d been so sure that what he was doing was the right thing, so sure a step into oblivion instead of back into his father\u2019s arms was what he deserved. But now . . . now as his father stood here pleading with him to let them help, he wasn\u2019t so sure. Did he dare trust himself to take that step? Did he trust that his family wouldn\u2019t suffer more because he didn\u2019t throw himself off a cliff? Did it really matter as long as they were there to help him?<\/p>\n

\u00a0<\/em><\/p>\n

I just want this to be over, one way or another.<\/em><\/p>\n

 <\/p>\n

Slowly turning to face his father, he could see the fear in his eyes, fear of losing yet another member of the family this time by his own hand. The years of love and honesty they\u2019d shared began to seep back into his being bringing with it a new light, a break in the gloom that filled him. He would have to trust someone sometime. He slowly raised his hand.<\/p>\n

 <\/p>\n

\u201cI don\u2019t need to . . . to forgive you, Pa,\u201d Adam said as Ben sucked in a breath daring to believe this might work. \u201cThere\u2019s nothing to forgive.\u201d<\/p>\n

 <\/p>\n

\u201cWhat\u2019re you doing?!\u201d Kane shouted, feeling his control beginning to slip as Ben reached out and grabbed Adam\u2019s hand, carefully drawing him away from the edge and into his arms, becoming conscious of the fact that he was holding him upright, and readily lowered him to the ground.<\/p>\n

 <\/p>\n

\u201cWhat\u2019s the matter with you?!\u201d Kane angrily shouted. \u201cThey left you to me! To me! I tried to kill you. I put you through hell and this is the thanks I get? You couldn\u2019t kill me then and now you can\u2019t kill yourself. You\u2019re a weakling! I\u2019ll always be here, Cartwright,\u201d he said pointing to his head. \u201cAlways.\u201d<\/p>\n

 <\/p>\n

Adam remembered it like a bright light cutting through the fog with the first clear thought he\u2019d had in ages as those words bounced about his head – \u2018You couldn\u2019t kill me then. You couldn\u2019t kill me then.\u2019 Narrowing newly opened eyes, Adam drew away from Ben to stare straight at Kane.<\/p>\n

 <\/p>\n

\u201cWhy\u2019re you looking at me like that?\u201d Kane stood back as nervousness set in. \u201cStop looking at me like that!\u201d<\/p>\n

 <\/p>\n

\u201cI . . . I didn\u2019t kill you.\u201d<\/p>\n

 <\/p>\n

\u201cWhat? Of course you did,\u201d Kane said quickly recovering, seeing something in those dark eyes besides the haunted lost look that had resided there for so long. It was a glimmer of rekindled hope. \u201cYou\u2019re hearing things. Remember, you\u2019re crazy.\u201d<\/p>\n

 <\/p>\n

\u201cI tried . . . . I tried to kill you but you were . . .\u201d\u00a0 His voice trailed off as pain coursed across his temples making him tilt his head. \u201cYou were alive when I . . . I tried to leave.\u201d<\/p>\n

 <\/p>\n

\u201cYes, Adam,\u201d Ben interjected.<\/p>\n

 <\/p>\n

\u201cYou killed me, Cartwright, with your bare hands!\u201d<\/p>\n

 <\/p>\n

\u201cAdam, you told us he was alive, that he spoke to you,\u201d Ben broke in. \u201cDo you remember?\u201d<\/p>\n

 <\/p>\n

More pain lanced through his head at his father\u2019s words and he broke into a sweat. He\u2019d heard these words before. Why, suddenly, did they seem so clear? Rubbing his temples, he kept his gaze fixed squarely on Kane\u2019s face.<\/p>\n

 <\/p>\n

\u201cYou accused me of . . . leaving you like they left me.\u201d<\/p>\n

 <\/p>\n

\u201cHow could I? I was dead!\u201d<\/p>\n

 <\/p>\n

\u201cYou said . . . you said you won after . . . after I let go,\u201d Adam kept on, his breath quickening as he held his head against the pain, memory flooding him in vivid detail of falling from Kane and breaking the rifle in two.<\/p>\n

 <\/p>\n

\u201cI did<\/u><\/em> win, Cartwright. You broke and tried to kill me.\u201d<\/p>\n

 <\/p>\n

\u201cTried<\/u>!<\/em>\u201d he yelled back his head shooting up. \u201cI tried<\/u><\/em> to kill you but . . . you . . . you were alive when I put you on that litter.\u201d The pain increased as each detail came to life making him gasp, not seeing his father\u2019s worried look.<\/p>\n

 <\/p>\n

\u201cNo, Cartwright. I was dead by your hand.\u201d<\/p>\n

 <\/p>\n

\u201cYOU WERE ALIVE!\u201d Adam yelled hauling himself to his feet, Ben holding him up. \u201cI pulled you out of the desert.\u201d<\/p>\n

 <\/p>\n

\u201cYes, Adam. That\u2019s how we found you.\u201d<\/p>\n

 <\/p>\n

Kane narrowed those devil blue eyes at his victim. \u201cI\u2019m gonna kill you, Cartwright,\u201d he sneered. \u201cI\u2019m gonna do it right now. What you feared would happen will and we\u2019re gonna start now.\u201d<\/p>\n

 <\/p>\n

\u201cNo!\u201d Adam shouted. \u201cYou can\u2019t make me!\u201d<\/p>\n

 <\/p>\n

\u201cYou tried to kill your father once,\u201d Kane said that evil smile decorating his face again. \u201cWhy not try again?\u201d<\/p>\n

 <\/p>\n

\u201cNo! No! No!\u201d<\/p>\n

 <\/p>\n

\u201cAdam!\u201d Ben shouted quickly releasing him and stepping back, eyes wide at the sight before him. \u201cPut down the gun, son.\u201d<\/p>\n

 <\/p>\n

Shocked at the words, Adam glanced down and his heart nearly stopped.<\/p>\n

 <\/p>\n

How. . ?<\/em><\/p>\n

 <\/p>\n

\u201cGive me the gun, Adam,\u201d Ben ordered, his tone soft but commanding as if speaking to a child.<\/p>\n

 <\/p>\n

\u201cYou\u2019ll never know, Cartwright,\u201d Kane said with a smile, feeling his power reasserting itself, seeing Adam give him a fleeting look. \u201cIt\u2019ll just happen and I\u2019ll finally win.\u201d<\/p>\n

 <\/p>\n

\u201cYou . . . you can\u2019t make me . . . kill him!\u201d Adam cried his finger flexing on the trigger as Ben\u2019s hand drew near.<\/p>\n

 <\/p>\n

\u201cWatch me, Cartwright. You\u2019re about to shoot your father because a figment of your imagination told you too.\u201d A swift wind suddenly filled the meadow making Adam blink several times as his breath came in short hiccups, the gun shaking in front of him.<\/p>\n

 <\/p>\n

\u201cAdam, don\u2019t listen to him,\u201d Ben implored seeing desperation fill his son\u2019s eyes as he looked at him. \u201cListen to me. To me. You won\u2019t hurt me.\u201d His rapid breathing concerned Ben and he turned to stare at the empty space around them. \u201cLeave him alone, Kane! You\u2019ve no hold over him now! Go back to wherever you came from!\u201d<\/p>\n

 <\/p>\n

\u201cI\u2019ve come from you, Cartwright. Tell him that.\u201d<\/p>\n

 <\/p>\n

\u201cHe\u2019s . . . he\u2019s going to make me . . . kill you, Pa,\u201d Adam admitted, glaring at the gun and grabbing it with both hands to force it away from its intended target. It didn\u2019t move. \u201cI don\u2019t think . . .\u00a0 I can\u2019t stop him.\u201d<\/p>\n

 <\/p>\n

Ben\u2019s heart fluttered in his chest, blood running cold at the prospect of his oldest killing him where he stood when Paul\u2019s words suddenly popped into his head \u2013 \u2018He has to kill Kane, exorcise him from his mind\u2019. Ben lowered his hand and stood ramrod straight. \u201cThen kill him<\/u><\/em>!\u201d he ordered, those words moving Adam\u2019s attention away from the gun and to his father.<\/p>\n

 <\/p>\n

\u201cWhat?\u201d<\/p>\n

 <\/p>\n

\u201cKill him, Adam. Be done with this forever.\u201d<\/p>\n

 <\/p>\n

\u201cBut . . . he won\u2019t let . . .\u201d<\/p>\n

 <\/p>\n

\u201cYou are<\/u><\/em> your own man, Adam,\u201d Ben argued. \u201cNo one can tell you what to do. Don\u2019t let him take that from you as well.\u201d<\/p>\n

 <\/p>\n

\u201cI . . .\u201d\u00a0 Terror mingled with indecision. He\u2019d just discovered on his own that he hadn\u2019t killed Kane and now his father was telling him to<\/u><\/em> kill Kane. It was too much for his overtaxed system. Pleading eyes connected with Ben\u2019s as his best efforts couldn\u2019t keep his finger from pulling back the trigger. \u201cMake him . . . make him go away, Pa!\u201d<\/p>\n

 <\/p>\n

\u201cGo ahead, Cartwright. Commit murder. That\u2019s what you want to do, that\u2019s what you tried to do.\u201d<\/p>\n

 <\/p>\n

\u201cKill him, Adam!\u201d Ben shouted. \u201cShoot him down and be done with it!\u201d<\/p>\n

 <\/p>\n

\u201cShoot! Shoot!\u201d Kane urged.<\/p>\n

 <\/p>\n

Adam felt as if his heart would leap from his chest when an intense crushing sensation filled his head pulling a cry from him, a vision of a litter and a man draped across it flashing before him; he\u2019d grabbed the extra food and water and they\u2019d headed out into the hot sun . . .<\/p>\n

 <\/p>\n

. . . the sun, the damned sun never seemed to go away even at night, burning into his waking nightmares as he pounded the sand with each heavy footfall. <\/em><\/p>\n

 <\/p>\n

If I never see it again, I\u2019ll be a happy man.<\/p>\n

\u00a0<\/em><\/p>\n

Adam smiled at the thought. A world without a sun would be dark indeed, but no darker than the world he currently found himself in \u2013 full of sand and heat and tumbleweeds.\u00a0 <\/em><\/p>\n

\u00a0<\/em><\/p>\n

The last of the water long gone, his movements continued, one foot in front of the other, and so on and so on, without thought, without direction. That man behind him was the reason he continued, the reason he pushed his besieged body onward. Only the devil himself dragging him into the depths of hell could keep his feet from moving until he dropped to the ground and died. He had to win!\u00a0\u00a0 <\/em><\/p>\n

\u00a0<\/em><\/p>\n

Taking a breather to adjust the rope that ranged along his shoulders, he moved his head back and forth to work through the nagging kinks that\u2019d collected there. Squinting up at the dazzlingly clear blue sky, he wondered how many days he\u2019d been out here; how long he\u2019d been trapped with that madman. A soft chuckle gathered in his throat. A madman. If that man was such a madman, why was he wasting precious energy dragging him across the desert?\u00a0 <\/em><\/p>\n

 <\/p>\n

Because I can\u2019t win that way!<\/p>\n

\u00a0<\/em><\/p>\n

Sobering, he put his back into it and started off again, hoping to make it to the next rock, then the next after that. Nothing big, mind you, like a town just that next rock then maybe that tumbleweed a few feet further on. That wasn\u2019t too much to ask was it?<\/em><\/p>\n

\u00a0<\/em><\/p>\n

Scrambled thoughts wound themselves through his head \u2013 dust everywhere clogged his nose; chunks of worthless rock falling from his hands; a dead mule, and Kane, tall and thin, chipping away at his resolve like he\u2019d been chipping away at the rocks in that god-awful mine. Then his own hands wrapped themselves about that man\u2019s neck, pulling the life from him as he\u2019d buckled, intent upon killing him. \u2018I win\u2019 echoed in his head and he blinked, stopping his forward momentum.\u00a0 <\/em><\/p>\n

 <\/p>\n

Forget that. I\u2019m walking! I\u2019m taking one step after another! I\u2019m trying to survive!<\/p>\n

\u00a0<\/em><\/p>\n

Smiling, then he began to laugh, not loud and raucous, but quiet as he moved off into the sun, proving to himself that that man hadn\u2019t driven every civilized thought from his head. He\u2019d been dragging him for who knew how long to get help wasn\u2019t he? They were going to make it if it was the last thing he did.<\/em><\/p>\n

\u00a0<\/em><\/p>\n

But his steps were getting slower and slower, the litter heavier and heavier and, despite his resolve, he was rapidly running out of whatever stamina he had left. He didn\u2019t know it but his body did and next thing he knew his legs dropped out from under him and he hit the ground hard, dust flying in his face. A giggle moved up his throat as he found his knees and flung out one hand then the other. He had to keep moving. He may have fallen in more ways than one but there was still time to redeem himself.<\/em><\/p>\n

\u00a0<\/em><\/p>\n

Too busy trying to get somewhere to hear horses approach, he never felt hands grab and pull him roughly to his feet nor see the three men move about him, and he didn\u2019t dare open his eyes for the sun to burn them away.<\/em><\/p>\n

\u00a0<\/em><\/p>\n

\u201cAdam!\u201d<\/em><\/p>\n

\u00a0<\/em><\/p>\n

\u201cThere was no gold,\u201d he began unaware he was speaking aloud in a joyful voice tinged with hysteria, waving his arms about. \u201cNo more . . . no more games.\u201d\u00a0 <\/em><\/p>\n

\u00a0<\/em><\/p>\n

\u201cAdam!\u201d<\/em><\/p>\n

\u00a0<\/em><\/p>\n

Vaguely he heard someone calling him as if from a great distance. Adam.\u00a0 <\/em><\/p>\n

 <\/p>\n

Yes. That\u2019s my name. And someone\u2019s yelling. They sound so serious. Why doesn\u2019t anyone think this is funny?<\/p>\n

\u00a0<\/em><\/p>\n

\u201cADAM!\u201d\u00a0 <\/em><\/p>\n

\u00a0<\/em><\/p>\n

The curt shout cut through his cascading thoughts like a knife and his eyes immediately opened, drawn to that familiar sound. He had trouble focusing but those eyes burning with compassion and concern slowly brought him around. How he\u2019d longed to see them through the long hours and days of confinement he\u2019d endured; how desperately he\u2019d tried to get to<\/u> that voice as it echoed throughout the rocks.<\/em><\/p>\n

\u00a0<\/em><\/p>\n

And now here stood that man and his focus sharpened, becoming aware of familiar people holding him upright, keeping him from falling into a heap on the ground. Did he dare believe this was real?\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0 <\/em><\/p>\n

\u00a0<\/em><\/p>\n

The walls were crumbling, all the walls he\u2019d built to keep him sane tumbling down so he could give whatever life he had left to this<\/u> man before him knowing he would hold and protect him for as long as he took a breath. At that thought his emotions overwhelmed him . . .<\/em><\/p>\n

 <\/p>\n

\u201c. . . oh, Pa,\u201d Adam whispered, his finger falling from the trigger, the gun dropping to his side as his eyes locked with his father\u2019s.<\/p>\n

 <\/p>\n

\u201cShoot, damnit!\u201d Kane shouted. \u201cComplete what you started, you coward!\u201d Adam just shook his head. \u201cThen I\u2019ll be back. I\u2019ll always be back until you can\u2019t fight me anymore.\u201d<\/p>\n

 <\/p>\n

And that<\/u><\/em> Adam believed.<\/p>\n

 <\/p>\n

He\u2019d trusted his father to save him; he\u2019d stepped back from the edge, given his life back to him and it was for nothing. His finger began flexing once more on the trigger, a different target in mind. \u201cI won\u2019t let you hurt them,\u201d he whispered all his remaining energy focusing on this one last task.<\/p>\n

 <\/p>\n

\u201cYou\u2019ll have no choice, Cartwright.\u201d<\/p>\n

\u00a0<\/em><\/p>\n

Do it now or you\u2019ll never have another chance?<\/em><\/p>\n

 <\/p>\n

Deliberately raising the gun toward his own head and closing his eyes, he silently said goodbye to his family. They would understand once he was gone. But then the gun was pulled from him and he stumbled back, opening shocked eyes onto Ben aiming directly at Kane\u2019s face.<\/p>\n

 <\/p>\n

\u201cI<\/u><\/em> won\u2019t let that happen,\u201d came his clear strong voice followed by a loud pop of a bullet leaving a gun barrel.<\/p>\n

 <\/p>\n

\u201cCartwright!\u201d<\/p>\n

 <\/p>\n

Kane\u2019s voice was cut off as the bullet slammed into his face, a shocked look filling those devil blue eyes just before he shattered like a pane of glass. For a split second the fragments slowed and began to slink back together, that gleaming smile reforming and those eyes piercing through Adam\u2019s soul making it harder and harder to breathe as that laugh returned. But then another bullet ripped through Kane\u2019s face, this time sending the pieces away from the whole too far to reunite, disappearing into the air around them as if they\u2019d never been.<\/p>\n

 <\/p>\n

Dust and leaves filled the void, the wind bouncing off the two standing in its way, as Ben turned toward Adam staring wild eyed into the empty space before them. Then with a suddenness that startled Ben, Adam screamed and grabbed his head trying to stave off the waves of excruciating pain that swept through the opening gates of memory, and he dropped to his knees inundated with images one on top of the other – two men robbing him and leaving him to the desert – collapsing into Kane\u2019s camp – the heat of the mine \u2013 tying himself up like an animal – hearing gunshots off in the distance – the reveal of the extra food and water – a loud voice yelling at him to stop before it was too late \u2013 the broken rifle – building the litter – realizing he was going to die in the desert – his father\u2019s strong voice – tender words drifting into his ear – Hoss dropping to the ground as his own bullet flew over his head \u2013 Hop Sing\u2019s broth \u2013 Joe\u2019s tender grasp –\u00a0 Sport\u2019s sweet call – nightmares, dreadful nightmares . . .<\/em><\/p>\n

 <\/p>\n

\u201cADAM!\u201d Ben shouted grabbing his boy as he swayed, holding him tightly.<\/p>\n

\u00a0<\/em><\/p>\n

What have I done?!<\/em><\/p>\n

 <\/p>\n

Lightening filled the meadow and struck a nearby tree as thunder rocked the earth beneath them. Junebug\u2019s frightened whinny disappeared under another roll of thunder as Ben held his struggling son, panic rushing through him.<\/p>\n

\u00a0<\/em><\/p>\n

He can\u2019t take much more! God, please help him!<\/em><\/p>\n

 <\/p>\n

As Adam\u2019s voice grew hoarse with his continued screaming, Ben\u2019s faith was quickly being replaced with anger – cursing God for abandoning him; cursing him for making someone like Peter Kane and allowing him to live and destroy others; cursing him for putting his boy through this hellish agony.<\/p>\n

 <\/p>\n

\u201cI hate you for doing this to him!\u201d Ben yelled into the wind when suddenly Adam stiffened and his eyes rolled up in his head. \u201cAdam!\u201d he called getting no response, fear traipsing through him, turning to horror as his boy fell limply against him moments later, no sign of life left in him. \u201cADAM!\u201d His heart disintegrated in an instant. \u201cWhat have I done?!\u201d<\/p>\n

 <\/p>\n

The wind swept away those words as lightening came again, thunder crackling as rain, precious rain so long in the coming, began to fall \u2013 slow at first then with a pelting fury, soaking them both to the skin. The sound of his weeping followed as he clasped Adam close to his chest, rocking back and forth.<\/p>\n

 <\/p>\n

\u201cDon\u2019t leave me, son. Please don\u2019t leave me.\u201d<\/p>\n

 <\/p>\n

He didn\u2019t hear the sounds of riders behind him or feel hands clutching him tightly, nor notice the similarities of this scene with one over three weeks before. All he knew was he\u2019d forced his boy over the edge as if he\u2019d flung him off the cliff himself, sending him into the darkness alone.<\/p>\n

 <\/p>\n

\u201cI\u2019m the light home, son,\u201d he wept. \u201cFollow me home.\u201d<\/p>\n

 <\/p>\n

*********<\/p>\n

\u00a0<\/em><\/p>\n

FOUR DAYS LATER<\/u><\/em><\/p>\n

 <\/p>\n

I opened my eyes to the glories of an angry sky. Such menace came with those dark clouds that spread to the horizon, filled with rain and noise and wind. And lying on my back provided the perfect vantage point to watch them build and billow and threaten.<\/em><\/p>\n

\u00a0<\/em><\/p>\n

It was a hand entering my field of vision that drew my sight from the clouds toward the smiling face of my father. Hope cloaked him and I couldn\u2019t help but respond reaching out and taking the proffered hand, an energy passing between us as he pulled me to my feet and out of the depression in which I\u2019d been laying. Pointing behind me, I turned spying a slab of granite buffeted by swirling winds, erasing the name etched there \u2013 <\/em>ADAM CARTWRIGHT.<\/p>\n

\u00a0<\/em><\/p>\n

\u201cYou don\u2019t belong here,\u201d he said walking off to draw me after him. \u201cYou belong with us.\u201d\u00a0\u00a0 <\/em><\/p>\n

\u00a0<\/em><\/p>\n

But then the wind returned, wrapping about me like a blanket, forcing me to turn back to that lonely piece of granite and the new words now appearing \u2013 <\/em>PETER KANE – TAKEN BY THE DESERT.<\/p>\n

\u00a0<\/em><\/p>\n

A sense of peace came upon me and the clouds suddenly parted trailing after the diminishing winds to leave behind a deep blue sky and a large round sun shining brightly for the world to see. I was home. I could feel it. Finally I\u2019d managed to put the desert behind me; put all that desperation and fear to bed; locked Kane away in a dark corner of my mind never to return. A smile curved my mouth and I looked back toward my father who waited patiently a few steps away, hand extended.<\/em><\/p>\n

\u00a0<\/em><\/p>\n

\u201cI\u2019m the light home, son,\u201d he said with a glowing smile. \u201cFollow me . . .\u201d<\/em><\/p>\n

 <\/p>\n

\u201c. . . home . . .\u201d<\/p>\n

 <\/p>\n

\u201cAdam?!\u201d Ben shouted bolting out of his chair to alight on the bed, grasping his son\u2019s motionless hand from where it had rested these last four days.<\/p>\n

 <\/p>\n

\u201cPaul!\u201d Hoss yelled into the hall moving to stand at the end of his brother\u2019s bed.<\/p>\n

 <\/p>\n

Paul Martin led the way, calmly approaching the other side of the bed to check on his patient as Joe rushed in behind Hop Sing to stand next to Hoss, all seeing Ben carefully caress Adam\u2019s bruised and cut face, muttering calming words as he kissed his hand.<\/p>\n

 <\/p>\n

\u201cYou\u2019re home, son. You\u2019re safe.\u201d<\/p>\n

 <\/p>\n

Adam\u2019s lips parted as if to respond but no sound emerged and Ben held on tighter, the fluttering of lashes long thought closed forever bolstering his flagging faith. \u201cSon, come back to us. Don\u2019t let him take you from us. Don\u2019t let him keep you away.\u201d<\/p>\n

 <\/p>\n

\u201cCome on, Adam,\u201d Joe spoke up trying to keep his voice even and failing miserably. \u201cYou fight him.\u201d<\/p>\n

 <\/p>\n

\u201cDo you hear that, Adam?\u201d Ben said. \u201cYour brother\u2019s talking to you. You know how he hates to be ignored. Come on, boy, open your eyes. See that we\u2019re all here for you. See that we didn\u2019t leave you behind.\u201d Ben ran his free hand through Adam\u2019s damp hair, pouring everything he had into the continuous prayer running through his head, not bothering to stem the flow of tears that streamed down his face.<\/p>\n

 <\/p>\n

Adam\u2019s lips parted again. \u201cPa . . .\u201d came the muffled whisper.<\/p>\n

 <\/p>\n

\u201cHere, boy. Pa\u2019s here.\u201d<\/p>\n

 <\/p>\n

Those lashes continued to move as he fought to complete his journey to consciousness, and then finally parted, bleary eyes trying to find the face that belonged to that much-loved voice. \u201cPa,\u201d came out a bit louder this time.<\/p>\n

 <\/p>\n

\u201cI\u2019m right here, right here, son,\u201d Ben answered back as he leaned in close.<\/p>\n

 <\/p>\n

Blinking several more times, Adam tried focusing on that face, the same face from his dream, the same face of the one who loved him like no other, the one who\u2019d rescued him. He could make out tears on that face, a face that had aged from the last time he\u2019d seen it, and he pulled his hand from his father\u2019s desperate grasp to touch them. \u201cHome,\u201d came out again as Ben pressed that hand to his face. The voice, weak though it was, was heard again and he smiled.<\/p>\n

 <\/p>\n

\u201cBen, let me in there,\u201d Paul ordered as his friend reluctantly sat back still clutching his boy\u2019s hand, afraid to let go. \u201cAdam, it\u2019s Paul. Son, you\u2019ve been unconscious for four days. How are you feeling?\u201d<\/p>\n

 <\/p>\n

He squinted up at the sound of the good doctor\u2019s voice. \u201cHot,\u201d was all he could come up with on such short notice, unaware he\u2019d even spoken aloud. Every thought, every movement was a struggle as if he were trapped in quicksand – slow and unending. His eyes closed at the effort to sort it all out. Paul smiled.<\/p>\n

 <\/p>\n

\u201cWell, you\u2019re running a fever. That\u2019s what happens when you sit out in the rain for hours on end.\u201d<\/p>\n

 <\/p>\n

\u201cRain?\u201d he questioned forcing open heavy eyes, trying to see past his father and out the window. \u201cIt\u2019s . . . raining?\u201d<\/p>\n

 <\/p>\n

\u201cHas been since we brought ya home from the meadow,\u201d Hoss answered seeing Adam\u2019s brow furrow. The meadow. There was something about the meadow.<\/p>\n

 <\/p>\n

Ben frowned and traded glances with Paul.<\/p>\n

 <\/p>\n

\u201cGive him a minute.\u201d<\/p>\n

\u00a0<\/em><\/p>\n

I rode out to the meadow . . . I was going to . . . and then . . .<\/em><\/p>\n

 <\/p>\n

\u201cKane,\u201d he mumbled, confusion on his face, all hearts dropping at the name.<\/p>\n

 <\/p>\n

Ben eyed Paul then darted to Hoss and Joe, and finally to Hop Sing. It didn\u2019t work. That man is still with us. <\/em>He turned back to Adam with a heavy heart. \u201cI\u2019m sorry, son. I thought . . .\u201d\u00a0 Ben\u2019s voice trailed off as Adam\u2019s gaze moved from him, searching the room, finally alighting on Hop Sing who slowly approached.<\/p>\n

 <\/p>\n

\u201cDid I . . . knock?\u201d Adam asked of his friend who patted him on the arm.<\/p>\n

 <\/p>\n

\u201cYou in own room, Mister Adam,\u201d Hop Sing answered with a smile ignoring the puzzled looks around him.<\/p>\n

 <\/p>\n

\u201cMy . . . room,\u201d he repeated, the ever present pall that had crowded in on him missing as if someone pulled a veil from his eyes. Glancing about he began to see his books, his drawings . . . his mother\u2019s music box.<\/p>\n

\u00a0<\/em><\/p>\n

My room.<\/em><\/p>\n

 <\/p>\n

The ever present gloom that filled him was absent; the only voice in his head was his own; silence, blessed silence, filled the void.<\/p>\n

\u00a0<\/em><\/p>\n

He\u2019s gone.<\/em><\/p>\n

 <\/p>\n

\u201cAdam?\u201d Ben spoke worry in the tone.<\/p>\n

 <\/p>\n

\u201cHe\u2019s . . . he\u2019s gone,\u201d he whispered looking into Hop Sing\u2019s happy face.<\/p>\n

 <\/p>\n

\u201cYou find right path,\u201d Hop Sing continued with a nod. \u201cYou finally come home.\u201d<\/p>\n

 <\/p>\n

Ben watched the two, watched as weeks of uncertainty fled and the palpable fear faded right in front of them to be replaced with the makings of a small grin.<\/p>\n

 <\/p>\n

\u201cHop Sing?\u201d Ben asked caution filling him. Had his anger at the meadow worked? Had he found a way to fulfill his vow? He caught their cook\u2019s nod and felt his own mouth turn up as he heard those two words again.<\/p>\n

 <\/p>\n

\u201cHe\u2019s gone,\u201d came out on a sigh. Adam wanted to laugh and shout to all who would listen but was too worn-out to keep his eyes from drifting closed around tears of happiness and relief, leaving him still and colorless. Too still.<\/p>\n

 <\/p>\n

Ben\u2019s smile abruptly faded. \u201cAdam?\u201d he called as anxiety filled the space when he didn\u2019t respond.<\/p>\n

 <\/p>\n

\u201cPa?\u201d came from Hoss as he pulled Joe close, Hop Sing stepping out of Paul\u2019s way who hurriedly grabbed Adam\u2019s wrist then leaned over to listen intently to his breathing, Ben drilling him with an nervous glare.<\/p>\n

 <\/p>\n

\u201cPaul?\u201d<\/p>\n

 <\/p>\n

\u201cHe\u2019s just asleep, Ben,\u201d the doctor reassured him, letting loose the breath he\u2019d been holding.<\/p>\n

 <\/p>\n

\u201cLike before?\u201d Joe asked alarm creeping into his tone.<\/p>\n

 <\/p>\n

\u201cNo. No. This is just good old fashioned sleep. He\u2019s exhausted, Joe. He\u2019s not only been fighting Kane but his own body. Physically we\u2019re not out of the woods yet, but mentally . . .\u201d Paul said, tapping the side of his head and nodding.<\/p>\n

 <\/p>\n

\u201cIt worked?\u201d Ben asked, daring to hope, kissing Adam\u2019s hand. \u201cWhat he said, that Kane\u2019s gone . . .\u00a0 Can all of this finally be over?\u201d<\/p>\n

 <\/p>\n

\u201cHe\u2019s fought his demons, Ben, and for now it seems he\u2019s won.\u201d<\/p>\n

 <\/p>\n

\u201cFor now?\u201d Ben asked shooting Paul an uneasy look who cursed himself for speaking aloud.<\/p>\n

 <\/p>\n

\u201cBen, we\u2019re dealing with the mind, a desert in and of itself due to the fact that the medical profession doesn\u2019t know much about what goes on in there.\u201d He paused a moment, realizing Ben didn\u2019t really need to know that now and besides, he personally knew how stubborn Adam was and didn\u2019t doubt that he\u2019d completed his journey intact. Grabbing his bag, he placed a hand on Ben\u2019s shoulder. \u201cYou saw his face, that look of pure joy. I\u2019ve no doubt that that particular demon has been exorcised.\u201d Ben relaxed a bit and nodded looking back into Adam\u2019s sleeping face.<\/p>\n

 <\/p>\n

\u201cThanks, Paul,\u201d Hoss said, emotion filling his voice.<\/p>\n

 <\/p>\n

\u201cIt wasn\u2019t me this time. It was something simple \u2013 love and that old Cartwright persistence.\u201d The doctor smiled at all of them, personally relieved that everything seemed to be working out. \u201cI\u2019ll be out tomorrow to check on him. Hop Sing, make sure you get some food and water into him every time he wakes up. And if you think he needs something, wake<\/u><\/em> him up.\u201d<\/p>\n

 <\/p>\n

\u201cI do that,\u201d Hop Sing answered through a teary smile.<\/p>\n

 <\/p>\n

\u201cAnd make sure the boys let him sleep,\u201d Paul finished giving a steely look toward the two at the end of the bed who returned weak smiles. \u201cHe\u2019s got a lot of it to catch up on. I\u2019ll see myself out.\u201d<\/p>\n

 <\/p>\n

Unashamed of the tears marking his face, Ben kissed Adam\u2019s hand once more and ran a hand along his boy\u2019s bearded cheek, brushing that stray lock of hair from its flopping place on his forehead. God had saved him once again and he\u2019d cursed him with all his might.<\/p>\n

 <\/p>\n

Forgive me, Lord.<\/em><\/p>\n

 <\/p>\n

\u201cAdam\u2019s finally free, ain\u2019t he, Pa?\u201d Hoss asked swiping at his own tears as he sat on the bed next to his father not daring to take his eyes from his brother.<\/p>\n

 <\/p>\n

\u201cYes, he\u2019s free,\u201d Ben answered as Joe leaned over and kissed Adam on the forehead.<\/p>\n

 <\/p>\n

\u201cMighty risky there, Shortshanks.\u201d<\/p>\n

 <\/p>\n

\u201cIt\u2019s worth the risk,\u201d Joe said with a grin, sitting on the opposite side of the bed watching his brother sleep peacefully, his own guilt easing slightly. \u201cIt\u2019s worth the risk.\u201d<\/p>\n

 <\/p>\n

\u201cI go make food for Number One son,\u201d Hop Sing said, smiling from ear to ear, looking from one to the other. \u201cYou all eat now. No more food go to waste.\u201d<\/p>\n

 <\/p>\n

Ben laughed. \u201cWe\u2019ll all eat now, Hop Sing. Number One son has found his way home.\u201d<\/p>\n

 <\/p>\n

 <\/p>\n

EPILOGUE<\/u><\/em><\/p>\n

\u00a0<\/em><\/p>\n

Journal entry excerpt: Ben Cartwright<\/em><\/p>\n

 <\/p>\n

\u201cI have my son back. His time in the desert is finally behind him and us, and now we can move forward with our lives . . . with his<\/u><\/em> life. I so desperately feared that this was the end for him, that I would lose him this time.<\/p>\n

 <\/p>\n

\u201cI\u2019d made a vow, a vow that I was finding difficult to uphold, and I\u2019d hoped that my actions at the meadow hadn\u2019t caused him to lose his mind. It was so disheartening to see him laying there, so still, so . . . lifeless for four days. I damned myself and God for not guiding my hand correctly.<\/p>\n

 <\/p>\n

\u201cWe sat in the rain for I don\u2019t know how long. I didn\u2019t even realize Hoss and Joe were there until they tried to pull Adam from me. They\u2019d heard the shots, thought Adam was dead and I was in no shape to dispute it. I\u2019d caused this; I\u2019d caused my boy to disappear inside himself. But I could do nothing else. I\u2019d gambled with his life. A father shouldn\u2019t do that with his son\u2019s life.<\/p>\n

 <\/p>\n

\u201cSomehow we got him home. Paul was waiting for us and declared Adam comatose, for lack of a better word. He was locked inside and there was no way to reach him. I\u2019d pushed him too far and he\u2019d gone over and it was up to him to come back but he simply wasn\u2019t strong enough. I had to understand that he could be lost forever.<\/p>\n

 <\/p>\n

\u201cI\u2019m a patient man but the waiting nearly killed me. We sat by his bedside, talked to him, held his hand, urged him back to us and, as each day passed, I was assured that God had abandoned us. I could take small comfort in knowing that Elizabeth waited for him and would welcome him with open arms. It\u2019s just that she couldn\u2019t have him. I wasn\u2019t done with him. I love him with all my being and it would\u2019ve broken me to lose him. To lose any of them would do the same and I don\u2019t favor one over the other but Adam . . . well, we\u2019ve been together longer, just the two of us for those many years that I feel as if we are one. Without him in this world, whether here or elsewhere, it would\u2019ve grown dark indeed.<\/p>\n

 <\/p>\n

\u201cBut now I don\u2019t have to think on that. He\u2019s come home and is improving each day and soon he\u2019ll be pestering his brothers and helping me run the ranch again. Of all the things there are in the world, all I ask is for my sons to be happy and healthy and whole.<\/p>\n

 <\/p>\n

\u201cAgain I ask forgiveness, Lord, for doubting you and I thank you. Thank you for sending him home.\u201d<\/p>\n

 <\/p>\n

**********<\/p>\n

 <\/p>\n

Journal entry excerpt:\u00a0 Paul Martin<\/em><\/p>\n

 <\/p>\n

\u201cIt has come to my attention, and not recently, that we in the medical profession don\u2019t know a damn thing about much. What we do know is impossibly small compared to what we could know. It\u2019s astonishing we make it through the day.<\/p>\n

 <\/p>\n

\u201cTake Adam Cartwright for example. A strong, confident man brought to his knees by a maniac in the desert who plagued and tortured him until he broke and there was nothing I could do. Oh, I could fix his ailing body by providing salves and powders for his seen wounds but could do nothing for those unseen and it just aggravates me. I\u2019m a doctor. I\u2019m supposed to heal or at least help and I could do neither. Fortunately for him, he had two things going that saved him \u2013 that old Cartwright stubbornness and love, that most magical of things.<\/p>\n

 <\/p>\n

\u201cWe, in the medical profession, must learn more about the mind instead of dismissing those afflicted as lost causes and locking them away. There must be some way to correct whatever\u2019s gone wrong through words or medicines not yet discovered. I so hope to live to see the day when medicine finds a way to save all those forgotten lives. So much is lost when they<\/u><\/em> are lost along the way.\u201d<\/p>\n

 <\/p>\n

*********<\/p>\n

 <\/p>\n

Journal entry excerpt:\u00a0 Adam Cartwright<\/em><\/p>\n

 <\/p>\n

\u201cI\u2019ve experienced many pleasures in my life \u2013 the love of a good woman, the power of a well bred cutting horse, building something that works, awaking to each sunrise that follows each night to tell us we\u2019re still alive. But I believe my greatest pleasure was waking up with my family around me and only one voice in my head \u2013 my own.<\/p>\n

 <\/p>\n

\u201cIt was as if I\u2019d been mired in the muck like the calves we pull from the bogs every spring only I had no one to pull me free. My family tried but they couldn\u2019t reach me. I was tucked behind some sort of curtain, too thick to see through, too heavy to part and everything was just . . . gone. The only thing I had was fear \u2013 fear of the unknown, fear of finding out what I might have done, fear of what I did do, fear of what I could do.<\/p>\n

 <\/p>\n

\u201cI\u2019d resigned myself to not caring if I ever found out, at least, that\u2019s what I told myself but it was driving me crazy and I could see the walls of an asylum heading my way and there was nothing I could do to stop it. It didn\u2019t help that Kane kept at me, kept trying to overtake me and me very nearly . . . no, I did give up for a time. I tried to walk right off a cliff. But then he betrayed himself or, I should say, I knocked some sense into myself.<\/p>\n

 <\/p>\n

\u201cWhen that happened it all came back and I thought it would kill me with its intensity. Pa tells me I was senseless for 4 days \u2013 no sound, no movement. Scared the daylights out of him, Hoss and Joe, too. And poor Hop Sing. His incense didn\u2019t work. Joe told me later he was beside himself with worry. His incense always worked before. I apologized profusely once I had my wits about me and expressed my deepest beliefs in him. He hasn\u2019t stopped smiling since. Of course, Pa might say it has more to do with the fact that Number One son is up and around . . . and eating like Hoss.<\/p>\n

 <\/p>\n

\u201cMy memories have taken their time sorting themselves out and, even after four months, one will pop up to reorganize the timeline in my head. While I still wonder if Kane will ever break out of the prison I\u2019ve trapped him, I have confidence that I\u2019ll recognize the warnings and manage to stop him before he takes hold. At least those are my hopes.<\/p>\n

 <\/p>\n

\u201cWell, I\u2019ve completed my first full day of work and I feel like I could sleep for a week! Hoss and Joe made sure I ate lunch and drank plenty of water and even made me sit under a tree as soon as the sun came out while they finished the job of weeding out strays from the neighboring ranches. I hate to say that I fell asleep under that tree, mouth open and everything. I\u2019m sure they\u2019ll make fun of me for the next few days over that. And I didn\u2019t even have enough energy to lift myself from the saddle let alone walk into the house by myself when the day was over. Hoss managed to get me inside acting like there was nothing wrong and plopped me down on the settee where I promptly fell asleep, my second nap for the day. They had to wake me for dinner. And all I did today was watch the herd from Sport\u2019s back. That\u2019s it. How can you get worn out doing that?<\/p>\n

 <\/p>\n

\u201cAnd I\u2019ve no excuses. Without Kane\u2019s constant pestering I\u2019m managing eight or nine hours a night plus two naps during the day. I should be rested by now. Hop Sing tells me that it could take up to a year before I don\u2019t get so wrung out tired like I do now. A year. Normally, I\u2019d be chomping at the bit to get going but I\u2019m just happy to sit by the fire in my favorite chair and read a book, something I thought was lost to me forever.<\/p>\n

 <\/p>\n

\u201cYou know a funny thing happened this morning while I was waiting for my bothers, watching the beautiful pink sky spread from horizon to horizon as the sun rose. I heard a whinny and I turned to see Junebug standing at the corral rail staring at me. Here was the animal I\u2019d near ridden to death trying to escape my demons and she was actually calling to<\/u><\/em> me. I hesitated. I had no right to touch her, to talk to her, and then she called again, Sport pushing his head up against my arm as if to say \u2018go ahead\u2019. I smiled. Joe would have a field day if he knew what I was thinking.<\/p>\n

 <\/p>\n

\u201cI walked over and leaned against the rail and she pushed her muzzle into my hand and snuffled. I dug in my pocket for the sugar I always carry for Sport and held it out for her smiling as she chomped down, all of it gone in a minute. Then she pushed against me looking for a scratch. I obliged. After a few moments she backed away then trotted off toward the other fillies in the corral. I\u2019d nearly ridden her into the ground and she\u2019d forgiven me. She\u2019d forgiven me.<\/p>\n

 <\/p>\n

\u201cWhile recuperating, I often thought of the day I\u2019d very nearly killed Junebug and the desperation that filled me as I stood on that cliff, dreaming of blessed relief, and finding out it\u2019s a terrible thing to realize you have limits, that everyone has limits and, if forced, will do anything to survive. It makes life something finite. As a boy I thought nothing could hurt me until we lost Inger and that pain lasted for many years. Then when Marie left us, well, I was hardened, trying to prove to myself that nothing could or would hurt me again. It made me feel invincible. That was proven by my bold statement to Joe that I could never be forced to kill anyone. Well that fell by the wayside when I found myself choking the life out of Peter Kane and appreciated how wrong I\u2019d been most of my life.<\/p>\n

 <\/p>\n

\u201cAnd while this whole ordeal was agonizing for both myself and my family, it made me realize one more thing about myself \u2013 I\u2019m nothing without the love of my family. They didn\u2019t give up. Oh, they think they did out on the desert but fate or God played a hand there. I thought I gave up, too, since killing oneself is the biggest give up even if I was doing it to save them. They kept at it until Pa saved me by doing what I couldn\u2019t \u2013 killing Kane.<\/p>\n

 <\/p>\n

\u201cThey mean everything to me, my family, and even though I rail about Joe\u2019s lackadaisical attitude or Hoss\u2019 gullibility, I would gladly sacrifice my life for any of them, Hop Sing included. And it makes me happy to know that I\u2019m not alone in this world and that wherever I go, my family will be with me whether I want them there or not.<\/p>\n

 <\/p>\n

\u201cSo I thank God everyday for those four people who pulled me out of the abyss and kept me here on Earth. Without them I would be dust, lost to the darkness that claimed me. Obviously I was needed here because, well . . . someone has to keep Joe in line.\u201d<\/p>\n

 <\/p>\n

 <\/p>\n

*****End*****<\/p>\n

 <\/p>\n

 <\/p>\n

1<\/sup><\/em>The Crucible, written by John T. Dugan. The situation and a part of Mr. Dugan\u2019s dialogue are used within this fictional piece.\u00a0 <\/em><\/p>\n

2<\/sup><\/em>Ross Marquette from the episode The Dark Gate<\/em><\/p>\n

3<\/sup><\/em>Luke 6:37 \u2013 \u2018Judge not and ye shall not be judged\u2019<\/em><\/p>\n

4<\/sup><\/em>The meadow as Adam\u2019s \u2018thinking place\u2019 was introduced in my story \u201cAbsolution (WHN Death at Dawn)\u201d<\/em><\/p>\n

 <\/p>\n

Dehydration<\/u><\/em>:\u00a0 Removal of water from a substance; marked by thirst, tachycardia; can be caused by diarrhea, vomiting, fevers, heat-related illnesses.<\/p>\n

 <\/p>\n

Heatstroke<\/u><\/em>:<\/em>\u00a0 Caused by failure of the body\u2019s heat-regulating mechanisms during or after exposure to heat and high relative humidity; may be life threatening. Symptoms consist of high body temperature, usually above 105 deg F, headache, numbness and tingling, confusion which may precede sudden onset of delirium or coma, tachycardia, rapid respiratory rate, increased blood pressure, hot dry skin, weakness, dizziness, nausea, vomiting, blurred vision, infection. Treatment consists of lowering the body\u2019s core temperature.<\/p>\n

 <\/p>\n

Asylum history<\/u><\/em>:\u00a0 The first known psychiatric hospital, Bethlem Royal Hospital, was founded in London in 1247 and by 1403 began accepting \u2018lunatics\u2019. It soon became infamous for its harsh treatment of the insane and, in the 18th<\/sup> century, would allow visitors to pay a penny to observe their patients as a form of \u2018freak show\u2019. In 1700 it is recorded that the \u2018lunatics were called \u2018patients\u2019 for the first time and within 20-years separate wards for the \u2018curable\u2019 and \u2018incurable\u2019 patients were established. Mental illness was no longer an affliction but a disease, to be diagnosed and potentially cured.<\/p>\n

 <\/p>\n

Many state hospitals in the U.S. were built in the 1850\u2019s and 1860\u2019s on the Kirkbride Plan, an architectural style meant to have a curative effect. In 1844, Dorothea Dix testified to the New Jersey legislature that people were being housed in \u2018county jails, private homes and the basements of public buildings\u2019. Her efforts lead to the construction of the New Jersey State Lunatic Asylum, the first to be built using the Kirkbride Plan, whose plan was meant to have a curative effect.<\/p>\n

 <\/p>\n

Between 1845 and 1868 there were 9 \u2018asylums\u2019 in the U.S.:\u00a0 New Jersey State Hospital (Trenton), Jacksonville State Hospital (Illinois), State Lunatic Hospital (Taunton, Mass.), Northampton State Lunatic Hospital (Mass.), Institute of Pennsylvania Hospital (Philadelphia), Bryce State Mental Hospital (Tuscaloosa, Alabama \u2013 still in use today), Western Pennsylvania Asylum for the Insane (Kilbuck, Penn. \u2013 demolished in 2005), West Virginia Hospital for the Insane (Weston, W. Virginia) and Hudson River State Hospital for the Insane (Poughkeepsie, New York).\u00a0 These were all built using the Kirkbride Plan.\u00a0 (Information gathered from Wikipedia, the Free Encyclopedia.)<\/p>\n

 <\/p>\n

Personal experience<\/u><\/em>:\u00a0 My father experienced the joys of heatstroke twice and it wasn\u2019t pretty. He collapsed, couldn\u2019t keep anything down and hallucinated which is an awful thing to experience. When I spoke to him about his experience he said everything was an effort \u2013 to think, to breathe, to move. It was like he was wading through mud. Nothing made much sense and time moved slowly past. And then one day, about 3 months later, it was as if a curtain lifted and everything fell into place. He claims he was never the same but he did retain his sense of humor (much needed at a time like this) and his appetite. That man could down 2 hamburgers, fries and 3 malts in record time and still want more. Fortunately, he recovered but is still affected by the heat, something that will be with him always.<\/p>\n

 <\/p>\n

So, the moral is be careful in the heat. Drink plenty of water and always wear a hat or sunshade. Recovery isn\u2019t always storybook.<\/p>\n

 <\/p>\n","protected":false},"excerpt":{"rendered":"

Summary:\u00a0 WHN – The Crucible – Part two of my series.<\/p>\n

Rating:\u00a0 T\u00a0 (22, 225 words)<\/p>\n

What the Vultures Will Bring Series, links to all the stories within the series included.<\/p>\n","protected":false},"author":125,"featured_media":12946,"comment_status":"open","ping_status":"closed","sticky":false,"template":"template-full-width-post.php","format":"standard","meta":{"_jetpack_newsletter_access":"","_jetpack_dont_email_post_to_subs":false,"_jetpack_newsletter_tier_id":0,"_jetpack_memberships_contains_paywalled_content":false,"_jetpack_feature_clip_id":0,"_jetpack_memberships_contains_paid_content":false,"footnotes":"","jetpack_publicize_message":"","jetpack_publicize_feature_enabled":true,"jetpack_social_post_already_shared":false,"jetpack_social_options":{"image_generator_settings":{"template":"highway","default_image_id":0,"font":"","enabled":false},"version":2},"jetpack_post_was_ever_published":false,"_members_access_role":[],"_members_access_error":""},"categories":[23,1008,13],"tags":[],"class_list":["post-12678","post","type-post","status-publish","format-standard","has-post-thumbnail","hentry","category-drama","category-family","category-whn","wpcat-23-id","wpcat-1008-id","wpcat-13-id"],"jetpack_publicize_connections":[],"jetpack_likes_enabled":true,"jetpack_sharing_enabled":true,"jetpack_featured_media_url":"https:\/\/i0.wp.com\/bonanzabrand.info\/library\/wp-content\/uploads\/2016\/05\/BONANZA-MARVIN-2-.jpg?fit=599%2C324&ssl=1","_links":{"self":[{"href":"https:\/\/bonanzabrand.info\/library\/index.php?rest_route=\/wp\/v2\/posts\/12678","targetHints":{"allow":["GET"]}}],"collection":[{"href":"https:\/\/bonanzabrand.info\/library\/index.php?rest_route=\/wp\/v2\/posts"}],"about":[{"href":"https:\/\/bonanzabrand.info\/library\/index.php?rest_route=\/wp\/v2\/types\/post"}],"author":[{"embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/bonanzabrand.info\/library\/index.php?rest_route=\/wp\/v2\/users\/125"}],"replies":[{"embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/bonanzabrand.info\/library\/index.php?rest_route=%2Fwp%2Fv2%2Fcomments&post=12678"}],"version-history":[{"count":0,"href":"https:\/\/bonanzabrand.info\/library\/index.php?rest_route=\/wp\/v2\/posts\/12678\/revisions"}],"wp:featuredmedia":[{"embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/bonanzabrand.info\/library\/index.php?rest_route=\/wp\/v2\/media\/12946"}],"wp:attachment":[{"href":"https:\/\/bonanzabrand.info\/library\/index.php?rest_route=%2Fwp%2Fv2%2Fmedia&parent=12678"}],"wp:term":[{"taxonomy":"category","embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/bonanzabrand.info\/library\/index.php?rest_route=%2Fwp%2Fv2%2Fcategories&post=12678"},{"taxonomy":"post_tag","embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/bonanzabrand.info\/library\/index.php?rest_route=%2Fwp%2Fv2%2Ftags&post=12678"}],"curies":[{"name":"wp","href":"https:\/\/api.w.org\/{rel}","templated":true}]}}