{"id":12680,"date":"2006-04-14T17:02:07","date_gmt":"2006-04-14T21:02:07","guid":{"rendered":"https:\/\/bonanzabrand.info\/library\/?p=12680"},"modified":"2025-02-27T12:10:28","modified_gmt":"2025-02-27T17:10:28","slug":"absolution-by-calim11","status":"publish","type":"post","link":"https:\/\/bonanzabrand.info\/library\/?p=12680","title":{"rendered":"Absolution (by Calim11)"},"content":{"rendered":"

Summary:\u00a0 <\/strong>WHN for Death at Dawn.\u00a0 Adam\u2019s brothers didn\u2019t stick with him and he put his father\u2019s life on the line. How would you feel after it was all over?<\/p>\n

Rating:\u00a0 K+\u00a0 (5,190 words)<\/p>\n

 <\/p>\n

Absolution<\/strong><\/p>\n

Adam Cartwright sat straight up in bed with such force his disheveled bedcovers fell to the floor in a heap. Rubbing his face to clear his head, the remnants of his dream quickly fading, he caught hold of one last sight \u2013 his father dangling lifelessly from a hangman\u2019s noose. Wrapping his arms about his knees, he rocked back and forth squeezing shut his eyes to still the tears that marked them. What\u2019s the matter with me? Pa\u2019s fine, asleep in the next room. Alive. But I gambled with his life.<\/em><\/p>\n

 <\/p>\n

Swinging his legs over the side, he sat there clutching the bed silently praying that these useless thoughts would leave him be. Each night since he\u2019d grabbed hold of his father\u2019s arm in the street, safe from the clutches of Sam Bryant, these thoughts assailed him making any amount of good sleep impossible. Whirling about his brain were what if\u2019s that could drown a man with their insistent voices making him question his judgment and his standing as a son. What if I\u2019d been wrong?<\/em><\/p>\n

 <\/p>\n

\u201cEnough,\u201d hissed through clenched teeth as he stood, hastily tossing on his robe and moving out into the hall to grasp the railing until his knuckles shone white. The Grandfather clock near the front door struck 2:00am and drew his attention to the brandy on the table below. These last few nights it hadn\u2019t given him the solace he was seeking. Why would it be any different tonight? He knew where he had to go, what he had to see.<\/p>\n

 <\/p>\n

Making his way to his father\u2019s room, he eased open the door and stepped quietly inside. Taking his usual seat in the rocker by the window gave him a clear view of the man asleep in the bed, the man who could so easily have been lost if he\u2019d been wrong. If<\/u><\/em> he\u2019d been wrong. But I wasn\u2019t? But I could\u2019ve been.<\/em> He dropped his head into his hands. What if I\u2019d been wrong?<\/em><\/p>\n

 <\/p>\n

***********<\/p>\n

 <\/p>\n

\u201cYou look tired, Adam,\u201d Sheriff Dale Biggs* commented to Adam and Ben as they entered Paul Martin\u2019s office.<\/p>\n

 <\/p>\n

\u201cI\u2019ve had some late nights,\u201d he admitted, hoping Ben would cut in. He did.<\/p>\n

 <\/p>\n

\u201cHow\u2019re you feeling, Dale? Paul putting you back together?\u201d Ben asked.<\/p>\n

 <\/p>\n

\u201cHe needs to rest,\u201d came Paul\u2019s voice from the other room.<\/p>\n

 <\/p>\n

\u201cThey\u2019re just bein\u2019 neighborly, Doc.\u201d<\/p>\n

 <\/p>\n

\u201cJust make sure it doesn\u2019t last too long.\u201d<\/p>\n

 <\/p>\n

\u201cMaybe we should go,\u201d Adam prompted taking a step toward the door.<\/p>\n

 <\/p>\n

\u201cNo, no,\u201d Biggs began. \u201cYou\u2019ll take my mind off my pains. Besides I\u2019ve got a favor to ask.\u201d<\/p>\n

 <\/p>\n

\u201cOh?\u201d Ben said sitting in a chair by Biggs\u2019 bed,<\/p>\n

 <\/p>\n

\u201cUntil I\u2019m up and around, I\u2019d like Adam to be my stand-in,\u201d he stated holding out a badge in Adam\u2019s direction.<\/p>\n

 <\/p>\n

A cold shiver ran through Adam at the prospect and he quickly forced a pleasant smile onto his face. \u201cThanks, but no, Sheriff,\u201d he politely responded drawing a look from his father.<\/p>\n

 <\/p>\n

\u201cWhy not?\u201d Ben asked. \u201cYou did a mighty fine job.\u201d Ben was proud and Adam couldn\u2019t understand how he could be. He cleared his throat.<\/p>\n

 <\/p>\n

\u201cAh, I appreciate the offer, Sheriff,\u201d Adam began, his hands fussing with his hat, \u201cbut I think my brothers are better suited. I\u2019m glad you\u2019re feeling better. Now, if you\u2019ll excuse me . . .\u201d\u00a0\u00a0 His voice trailed off and he turned, Ben\u2019s eyes not wavering from his back as he hastily left the doctor\u2019s office.<\/p>\n

 <\/p>\n

\u201cThat was unexpected,\u201d commented Ben.<\/p>\n

 <\/p>\n

\u201cNot really,\u201d Biggs answered, rubbing the badge on his nightshirt to clean off an imaginary smudge.<\/p>\n

 <\/p>\n

\u201cWhat makes you say that?\u201d Ben asked, stepping to the window to see his eldest staring at the jail and the gallows that still stood, then turn away, mount Sport, and ride off.<\/p>\n

 <\/p>\n

\u201cI put him in an unfair position, Ben \u2013 holdin\u2019 your life in his hands. I don\u2019t know if I could\u2019ve made that decision if it was my father being threatened with hangin\u2019.\u201d<\/p>\n

 <\/p>\n

\u201cYou<\/u><\/em> didn\u2019t put him in that position, Dale. Sam Bryant did. Besides, he made the only decision he could,\u201d Ben argued as he returned to Biggs. \u201cFarmer Perkins had to hang.\u201d<\/p>\n

 <\/p>\n

\u201cYes, but you<\/u><\/em> didn\u2019t. He gambled with your life, Ben, and won but he could\u2019ve easily lost. That weighs heavy on a man, especially someone like Adam who believes in the law and family. It took a lot of guts to follow through and hang Farmer Perkins with you as the bait. And don\u2019t forget he had his brothers to deal with as well.\u201d<\/p>\n

 <\/p>\n

\u201cHis brother\u2019s stand with him,\u201d Ben confidently said.<\/p>\n

 <\/p>\n

Biggs raised his brows. \u201cOl\u2019 Hal Winston* tells me there was lots of arguin\u2019 goin\u2019 on just before dawn. Didn\u2019t sound like they was all agreein\u2019.\u201d\u00a0 Biggs winced, trying to find a more comfortable position, glancing up at Ben as he turned back to the window. \u201cDon\u2019t you worry none. Your boy\u2019ll figure it out. And I\u2019ll find someone to sit in for me.\u201d<\/p>\n

 <\/p>\n

Ben couldn\u2019t fathom a time when his son\u2019s wouldn\u2019t stand together. Is that what happened the whole time he was with Bryant? Had the boys been arguing over what was right? He figured how that conversation had gone. I have to find Adam!<\/em><\/p>\n

 <\/p>\n

\u201cRest easy, Dale,\u201d Ben said as he picked up his hat. \u201cI\u2019ve got to go.\u201d Left to himself when his only visitor scooted out the door, Biggs lifted up the badge to catch the morning light, hearing the good doctor puttering around in his office. It couldn\u2019t hurt to ask.<\/p>\n

 <\/p>\n

\u201cHey, Doc?\u201d he shouted. \u201cWant to be sheriff for awhile?\u201d<\/p>\n

 <\/p>\n

************<\/p>\n

 <\/p>\n

\u201cHave you seen Adam?\u201d Ben asked of Hop Sing as he made his way into the kitchen. \u201cHas he been home?\u201d<\/p>\n

 <\/p>\n

\u201cGone,\u201d was all Hop Sing said, disappearing into the pantry, Ben following after.<\/p>\n

 <\/p>\n

\u201cWhat do you mean gone?\u201d<\/p>\n

 <\/p>\n

\u201cGone as in here then gone,\u201d the cook explained picking through the vegetables.<\/p>\n

 <\/p>\n

\u201cDid he say where he was going?\u201d Ben asked, backing out of Hop Sing\u2019s way as the cook found what he was looking for and headed back out into the kitchen.<\/p>\n

 <\/p>\n

\u201cNo,\u201d was all Hop Sing said, exasperation touching his voice.<\/p>\n

 <\/p>\n

\u201cDamn,\u201d Ben muttered, catching his cook\u2019s attention.<\/p>\n

 <\/p>\n

\u201cHe no eat breakfast, no eat lunch. Third day in row. Pace, pace, pace all night long. Hardly touch food at night. Don\u2019t like,\u201d Hop Sing explained with a waggle of his finger. \u201cNumber One son think too much.\u201d<\/p>\n

 <\/p>\n

\u201cThink . . ?\u201d<\/p>\n

 <\/p>\n

\u201cHey, Hop Sing, I\u2019m starvin\u2019,\u201d Hoss announced from the doorway as the little cook smiled, looking around Ben.<\/p>\n

 <\/p>\n

\u201cAt least one Cartwright like food. Sit. Out soon,\u201d the cook said, pushing both of them out of his domain.<\/p>\n

 <\/p>\n

\u201cWhat\u2019s eatin\u2019 him?\u201d Hoss asked, taking his customary seat at the table.<\/p>\n

 <\/p>\n

Ben sighed. \u201cIt appears Adam isn\u2019t eating breakfast, lunch or dinner,\u201d he explained placing a hand on the back of his chair.<\/p>\n

 <\/p>\n

\u201cHe ain\u2019t sleepin\u2019 to good neither,\u201d Hoss added oft-handedly, tucking his napkin into his shirt, looking up to catch a questioning look from Ben. \u201cI seen him out in the barn a couple of times this week real late.\u201d<\/p>\n

 <\/p>\n

\u201cWhy didn\u2019t you tell me?\u201d Ben asked taking a seat.<\/p>\n

 <\/p>\n

Hoss shrugged. \u201cI didn\u2019t think nothin\u2019 on it, Pa. He\u2019s always done that.\u201d<\/p>\n

 <\/p>\n

\u201cHe has?\u201d What else don\u2019t I know?<\/p>\n

 <\/p>\n

\u201cYeah, when somethin\u2019s troublin\u2019 him or he has to work out a problem, he goes out to the corral or into the barn. I think he\u2019s discussin\u2019 it with Sport, although he\u2019d never admit to that,\u201d Hoss finished with a half smile.<\/p>\n

 <\/p>\n

\u201cIf you thought he had a problem . . .\u201d<\/p>\n

 <\/p>\n

\u201cHey, what\u2019s for lunch?\u201d Joe called tossing his hat onto the sideboard and plopping down into his chair. \u201cWhere\u2019s Adam?\u201d<\/p>\n

 <\/p>\n

\u201cI don\u2019t know,\u201d Ben said looking at the both of them, Biggs\u2019 words whirling about his head. \u201cI was hoping one or the other of you<\/u><\/em> might know.\u201d<\/p>\n

 <\/p>\n

\u201cWe\u2019ve been out with the herd all morning, Pa,\u201d Joe stated.<\/p>\n

 <\/p>\n

\u201cAin\u2019t seen much of \u2018im since we brung ya home, Pa. Spends most of his time with you,\u201d Hoss added.<\/p>\n

 <\/p>\n

That\u2019s true. Adam had been spending more time with me and away from his brothers. Hmm, <\/em>thought Ben.<\/em><\/p>\n

 <\/p>\n

\u201cWhat happened the night before Farmer Perkins was hung?\u201d Ben asked noting their curious looks at this unexpected question.<\/p>\n

 <\/p>\n

\u201cWe done tol\u2019 ya what happened, Pa,\u201d Hoss answered.<\/p>\n

 <\/p>\n

\u201cI want the whole story from dusk \u2018til dawn.\u201d<\/p>\n

 <\/p>\n

\u201cWhy?\u201d Joe asked feeling nervous all of a sudden.<\/p>\n

 <\/p>\n

\u201cI\u2019m just curious about a few things. Like how\u2019d you boys get along? Did anyone in town back you up? Did following the law get in the way of things?\u201d<\/p>\n

 <\/p>\n

\u201cWhat did Adam tell you?\u201d Joe\u2019s hard voice filled the room making Hoss flinch. Ben noted the narrowed eyes and flaring nostrils giving away his youngest son\u2019s feelings as if he\u2019d written them on a wall for all to see. Sore spot found. He clasped his hands together to keep them from balling into fists not liking where he thought this conversation was heading.<\/p>\n

 <\/p>\n

\u201cAdam didn\u2019t tell me anything,\u201d Ben began softly. \u201cCome to think of it, he let the both of you do all the talking that day, didn\u2019t interject once as I recall. How unlike your brother.\u201d<\/p>\n

 <\/p>\n

\u201cWe was just relieved ta see ya, Pa,\u201d Hoss piped up with a smile, \u201cand ol\u2019 Adam was just plum tuckered out. Why, he did a fine job. Told the town what he was gonna do and stuck to it. Ya know how seriously older brother takes the law.\u201d<\/p>\n

 <\/p>\n

\u201cYes, I do,\u201d Ben answered with a nod, casting a glance at both of them. \u201cThen can you explain why, when Sheriff Biggs offered Adam the job of temporary sheriff, he turned it down?\u201d<\/p>\n

 <\/p>\n

\u201cHe didn\u2019t like it, Pa,\u201d Joe began, his anger quickly fading as he realized Adam hadn\u2019t said a thing about their<\/u><\/em> words that awful night. \u201cNone of us did. Holding a man\u2019s life in your hands can make an old man of you overnight.\u201d<\/p>\n

 <\/p>\n

\u201cReally, because his answer was \u2018I think my brothers are better suited\u2019. Now if you all felt that way, why would he say that?\u201d<\/p>\n

 <\/p>\n

\u201cDon\u2019t rightly know, Pa,\u201d Hoss answered solemnly. \u201cHe was the one holdin\u2019 everythin\u2019 together.\u201d<\/p>\n

 <\/p>\n

\u201cYeah, Pa. He was in charge,\u201d Joe finished lamely just as Hop Sing entered depositing plates of fried chicken and mashed potatoes in front of each of them. Joe and Hoss stared at their plates until Hoss finally picked up his fork only to feel Ben\u2019s hand on his arm.<\/p>\n

 <\/p>\n

\u201cWhat happened just before dawn?\u201d Ben forced himself to remain calm when Hoss failed to answer. He turned to Joe. \u201cWhat did you say to your brother? Did you support him? Did you stand with him?\u201d Joe couldn\u2019t meet his father\u2019s piercing gaze and Hoss just stared at his plate.<\/p>\n

 <\/p>\n

Anger rose in Ben. These boys . . . these boys who\u2019d helped each other through the years, loved each other above all else, left their older brother to shoulder the responsibility alone. Shame filled him. He wasn\u2019t surprised Adam hadn\u2019t said anything. It wasn\u2019t in his nature to tattle on his brothers over something like this especially if he\u2019d been unsure as well. But how could they abandon him? Question him but never<\/u><\/em> abandon him.<\/p>\n

 <\/p>\n

\u201cThese are simple questions, boys. While I was being held captive and Adam had to choose between upholding the law or giving in to Bryant, did you or did you not stand with your brother?\u201d His voice was rising and they could hear the disappointment within it, a sound they never wanted to hear directed at them.<\/p>\n

 <\/p>\n

\u201cPa, we . . .\u201d Hoss stuttered finally looking up at his father. \u201cWe tried. We really did but . . .\u201d<\/p>\n

 <\/p>\n

\u201cWe just couldn\u2019t, Pa,\u201d Joe interjected hoping to salvage something. \u201cWe couldn\u2019t see why Perkins\u2019 life was worth more than yours. All Adam had to do was let him go . . .\u201d<\/p>\n

 <\/p>\n

\u201cAnd he kept talkin\u2019 about how he knew what Sam Bryant was thinkin\u2019,\u201d Hoss jumped in, \u201cand we just couldn\u2019t see how he could. He was riskin\u2019 yer life, Pa. We just couldn\u2019t abide by that.\u201d<\/p>\n

 <\/p>\n

There was a long pause as Ben searched the faces of the sons he thought he knew, holding his anger in check. That\u2019s why Adam had stayed so close to him these last few days, why he was trembling so in the street that dreadful dawn. He\u2019d had to make an awful choice, the only choice, and he\u2019d made it alone.<\/p>\n

 <\/p>\n

\u201cI see,\u201d was all Ben said, the tone making both of his sons cringe as they watched him bend his head and close his eyes.<\/p>\n

 <\/p>\n

\u201cWe\u2019re sorry, Pa,\u201d Joe quietly said staring at his plate.<\/p>\n

 <\/p>\n

\u201cYeah, Pa. We didn\u2019t mean to . . .\u201d Hoss\u2019 voice trailed off as Ben released his arm and stood.<\/p>\n

 <\/p>\n

\u201cWhere . . . where ya going?\u201d Joe asked his stomach rumbling.<\/p>\n

 <\/p>\n

\u201cI\u2019m going to find your brother.\u201d<\/p>\n

 <\/p>\n

\u201cBut you don\u2019t know where he is,\u201d Joe said.<\/p>\n

 <\/p>\n

\u201cI\u2019ll find him.\u201d<\/p>\n

 <\/p>\n

\u201cWe\u2019ll come with you,\u201d Hoss said pushing back his chair, stopped by Ben\u2019s outstretched hand.<\/p>\n

 <\/p>\n

\u201cNo. You\u2019ve done enough.\u201d<\/p>\n

 <\/p>\n

\u201cBut we want to apologize . . .\u201d Joe began.<\/p>\n

 <\/p>\n

\u201cIt\u2019s a little late for that, isn\u2019t it?\u201d Ben skewered them with a look, grabbed his hat off the wall peg and headed out the door, closing it with a resounding slam just as Hop Sing reappeared, his smile fading at the full plates left on the table.<\/p>\n

 <\/p>\n

\u201cNow you<\/u><\/em> no eat?\u201d he spat, a long string of Cantonese drifting about the room as he waved his hands in the air and started back toward the kitchen. Stopping suddenly, he turned, both boys looking up at him. \u201cYour brother good man. Only have family best interest at heart and glad to make hard decision. He think and then do. Younger brothers should pay attention. Remember who love you like no other. Seem to have forgotten this important fact.\u201d He glared at both of them then turned away. \u201cHave plenty food in kitchen,\u201d was said as he hurried out of the room. Hoss looked after Hop Sing and Joe rested his head in his hands.<\/p>\n

 <\/p>\n

\u201cWe\u2019re not very good brothers are we?\u201d Joe asked with a heavy sigh, looking up as Hoss suddenly stood. \u201cWhat\u2019s the matter?\u201d<\/p>\n

 <\/p>\n

\u201cLet\u2019s go,\u201d Hoss said moving toward the kitchen.<\/p>\n

 <\/p>\n

\u201cWhere we goin\u2019?\u201d<\/p>\n

 <\/p>\n

\u201cWe cain\u2019t apologize sittin\u2019 here. Now get up. I might know where he is.\u201d<\/p>\n

 <\/p>\n

A hopeful grin touched Joe\u2019s face as he followed after his bigger brother.<\/p>\n

 <\/p>\n

***********<\/p>\n

 <\/p>\n

Adam sat quietly in his thinking place \u2013 a secluded meadow high above Lake Tahoe with views from horizon to horizon. He\u2019d found it when he was about 12 and it was the place he rode to when things became too much. Often this special place worked its magic.<\/p>\n

 <\/p>\n

But today as he sat there feeling the cool breeze on his face, hearing the birds calling out to one another from the multitude of trees encircling the area, the magic failed him. His mind was clogged with those dreaded what if\u2019s and no matter what he did there, they stayed, piling one on top of the other. Stop already! Here I sit within beauty so blinding that it makes me ache and yet I still can\u2019t push aside these thoughts long enough to get some sleep or eat a meal. What do I have left but thinking?<\/em><\/p>\n

 <\/p>\n

Tossing back his head, he let out a frustrated and angry holler that echoed down toward the lake, pushing those poor song birds from the trees and producing a loud scared whinny off to his left. Startled, he snapped his head about to spy Buck, minus a rider, scrambling for purchase on the rocky trail leading to the meadow. Leaping to his feet, he snagged the trailing reins and pulled the skittish animal forward and out of danger. It was only then he saw his father sprawled on the ground, a cloud of dust rising about him.<\/p>\n

 <\/p>\n

\u201cPa!\u201d he yelled kneeling next to him and grasping his arm, getting a hard look for his trouble.<\/p>\n

 <\/p>\n

\u201cYou could warn a fella when you\u2019re gonna hoop and holler like that,\u201d Ben said allowing Adam to help him to his feet.<\/p>\n

 <\/p>\n

\u201cSorry,\u201d was all he could think to say as Ben dusted himself off and silently walked past surveying the surroundings.<\/p>\n

 <\/p>\n

\u201cThis is still a beautiful place. Good for sittin\u2019 and thinkin\u2019,\u201d Ben said, still trailing dust behind him as he sat on a fallen log. \u201cYes it is.\u201d<\/p>\n

 <\/p>\n

Adam eyed his father, wondering how he\u2019d found him, still bothered by the fading rope burns on his neck. Then he smiled to himself. Since he\u2019d been a little boy, he\u2019d always gone off when something was bothering him but his father hadn\u2019t always let him. \u2018It\u2019s better to be with family,\u2019 he\u2019d say, \u2018so you can talk it out\u2019. He had to admit that an insurmountable problem did seem smaller when there was more than one person dealing with it. He wasn\u2019t so sure this would be one of those times.<\/p>\n

 <\/p>\n

Out of the corner of his eye, Ben watched his son, hands on his hips, slowly approach, first squatting then sitting cross-legged on the ground before him. It usually worked when Ben insinuated himself into Adam\u2019s brooding. Usually. He was a tough nut to crack with that good old Cartwright stubbornness running through his veins. At least he could try.<\/p>\n

 <\/p>\n

\u201cThis, ah, sittin\u2019 and thinkin\u2019,\u201d Ben began looking out at the lake, \u201cworkin\u2019 for you?\u201d<\/p>\n

 <\/p>\n

Adam looked down and began pulling at the grass. \u201cNot really,\u201d he quietly admitted.<\/p>\n

 <\/p>\n

Pleased he\u2019d gotten an answer, Ben shifted his gaze to take in the meadow behind him where Sport and Buck grazed. \u201cWell, sometimes . . . nothing helps.\u201d<\/p>\n

 <\/p>\n

Adam peered up at him, brow raised. \u201cGee, thanks.\u201d<\/p>\n

 <\/p>\n

Ben grinned, taking in a deep breath of the clear air.<\/p>\n

 <\/p>\n

\u201cI used to follow you up here when you were just a boy,\u201d Ben admitted, \u201cmaking sure you made it in one piece. I couldn\u2019t have you falling off a cliff just because you were angry with me.\u201d<\/p>\n

 <\/p>\n

\u201cI never knew you were there.\u201d<\/p>\n

 <\/p>\n

\u201cThat was<\/u><\/em> the point,\u201d he said. \u201cI never stayed. This was your place, your thinking place, and I had no right to invade it. I felt that whatever you needed to make it through, you should have it and if this was it, so be it.\u201d<\/p>\n

 <\/p>\n

\u201cIt used to help,\u201d Adam sighed, tossing the grass into the air. \u201cIt used to provide me with answers I needed. Now . . .\u00a0\u00a0 Now the answers seem so far away. Now there are too many choices.\u201d<\/p>\n

 <\/p>\n

Ben looked at him, finally seeing the haggard appearance of his eldest, the slump of his shoulders. Why haven\u2019t I seen it before?<\/em><\/p>\n

 <\/p>\n

\u201cHow I long for the simple days of childhood,\u201d remarked Adam.<\/p>\n

 <\/p>\n

\u201cThey\u2019re highly over-rated.\u201d<\/p>\n

 <\/p>\n

\u201cNot from where I sit,\u201d Adam said in a low voice filled with sadness and defeat.<\/p>\n

 <\/p>\n

Ben picked at the log he sat upon, debating with himself on whether or not he should broach the subject. Well, this is why I came up here<\/em>.<\/p>\n

 <\/p>\n

\u201cAdam, I know what didn\u2019t<\/u><\/em> happen the night before Farmer Perkins was hung.\u201d The statement sat there like a heavy fog, an aural reminder of what went on that horrible night. \u201cI know the boys didn\u2019t back you up.\u201d<\/p>\n

 <\/p>\n

\u201cIt\u2019s not important,\u201d he quickly added, his back stiffening, keeping his head down.<\/p>\n

 <\/p>\n

\u201cOf course it is or you wouldn\u2019t be up here.\u201d<\/p>\n

 <\/p>\n

\u201cPa . . .\u201d<\/p>\n

 <\/p>\n

\u201cThey should\u2019ve been there for you, Adam. You shouldn\u2019t have had to shoulder that decision alone.\u201d<\/p>\n

 <\/p>\n

\u201cIt\u2019s not their fault. They had a right to object.\u201d<\/p>\n

 <\/p>\n

\u201cI don\u2019t deny that but, in the end, they should\u2019ve stood with you. I raised them better than that.\u201d<\/p>\n

 <\/p>\n

\u201cThat\u2019s not the problem.\u201d<\/p>\n

 <\/p>\n

\u201cThen what is it?\u201d<\/p>\n

 <\/p>\n

\u201cI can\u2019t . . .\u201d<\/p>\n

 <\/p>\n

\u201cYes you can.\u201d<\/p>\n

 <\/p>\n

\u201cLeave it alone, Pa.\u201d His voice held a warning but Ben plowed right on.<\/p>\n

 <\/p>\n

\u201cNot this time. Talk to me. Tell me what you\u2019re feeling?\u201d<\/p>\n

 <\/p>\n

\u201cYOU COULD\u2019VE BEEN KILLED!\u201d Adam exclaimed, his emotions overwhelming him, his voice echoing about the meadow. \u201cBY MY HAND, YOU COULD\u2019VE BEEN KILLED!\u201d<\/p>\n

 <\/p>\n

Desperate for control, Adam forced himself to his feet and away from the man he\u2019d nearly killed, the agonizing hours from dusk to dawn moving through his memory like fire, taunting him as those dreams did night after night. His breath came fast as he tried to calm himself down, not hearing Ben come up behind him.<\/p>\n

 <\/p>\n

\u201cAdam, you didn\u2019t have a choice . . .\u201d<\/p>\n

 <\/p>\n

Whirling around, Adam tried to keep his wavering control in place, affixing a steely edge to his voice. \u201cI had<\/u><\/em> a choice, Pa,\u201d he cut in, keeping his fists by his sides and narrowing his eyes. \u201cI was the acting Sheriff. I could\u2019ve let Perkins go. That\u2019s what Hoss and Joe wanted. But I couldn\u2019t because he\u2019d killed an innocent man and the law needed to be served and my damn principles got in the way!\u201d<\/p>\n

 <\/p>\n

\u201cIf you\u2019d let Perkins go Bryant would\u2019ve won. Your \u2018damn principles\u2019 just happen to be the same as mine. You were right in what you did,\u201d Ben argued.<\/p>\n

 <\/p>\n

\u201cNo, no I wasn\u2019t,\u201d Adam answered with a shake of his head. \u201cDamn my principles! I\u2019m your son, your legacy and what did I do? I left you in the hands of a murdering tyrant. I had an out for you and I let it pass. You could be dead because of me.\u201d<\/p>\n

 <\/p>\n

\u201cBut I\u2019m not, son. I knew you would do the right thing. You made sure that bastard paid the price.\u201d<\/p>\n

 <\/p>\n

“But at what cost, Pa?\u201d Adam asked as he looked at his father, pain etching his face.<\/p>\n

 <\/p>\n

Ben was beginning to appreciate what it had cost his eldest, for his guilt was palpable and all he wanted to do was take him into his arms and hug it away. Instead he rested a hand on Adam\u2019s arm noting the slight tremor that motion caused. But, at least, he didn\u2019t shy away.<\/p>\n

 <\/p>\n

\u201cPerkins asked me what kind of a son would trade his life for yours,\u201d Adam continued. \u201cMrs. Cameron asked me the same thing and do you know what I\u2019ve been asking myself? How can I call myself a Cartwright after what I did to you? How can Hoss and Joe ever speak to me again after I almost cost them their father? What kind<\/u><\/em> of a son am I to risk his father\u2019s life for a principle?\u201d<\/p>\n

 <\/p>\n

Ben grasped Adam\u2019s arms then, hoping to break through. \u201cMy<\/u><\/em> kind of son,\u201d he said, those words making Adam pay attention. \u201cI know you. You looked at this from every angle, every possible outcome. You\u2019ve known men like Bryant your whole life. You know how they think. You figured out how to beat him.\u201d<\/p>\n

 <\/p>\n

\u201cBut don\u2019t you see, Pa, I could\u2019ve been wrong. I risked your life on nothing but a hope that I was right.\u201d<\/p>\n

 <\/p>\n

\u201cNo, son, Sam Bryant risked my life and you beat him at his own game.\u201d<\/p>\n

 <\/p>\n

\u201cYour life isn\u2019t a game, Pa. No one\u2019s life is a game.\u201d His voice softened as his anger suddenly gave way to shame. He could\u2019ve so easily lost this little game he played with his father\u2019s life and taken the world from his brothers. He bowed his head then, Ben seeing tears laced within his long lashes. \u201cHow can you not hate me?\u201d The words were so low Ben almost missed them.<\/p>\n

 <\/p>\n

\u201cHate you?\u201d My God! How could he ever think that?\u00a0 \u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0 \u201cLook at me,\u201d Ben ordered. When Adam reluctantly raised his head, Ben grabbed the sides of his face. \u201cI could never hate you, son. No words said in anger or choices made could shake my love for you.\u201d<\/p>\n

 <\/p>\n

\u201cHow can you say that after what I\u2019ve done?\u201d<\/p>\n

 <\/p>\n

So like the little boy Ben remembered – always the worrier. \u201cBecause I have faith in you, Adam,\u201d he answered, drawing an odd look from his son. \u201cI have faith that you will make the best choice no matter the outcome. I would gladly place my life in your hands over and over, knowing that I have nothing to fear.\u201d<\/p>\n

 <\/p>\n

\u201cBut I left you alone, thinking you were going to die.\u201d<\/p>\n

 <\/p>\n

Ben shook his head. \u201cOnce Bryant told me you were in charge, I was no longer alone. I knew what you would do because you and I think the same way, and it threw Bryant. He didn\u2019t understand what I already knew \u2013 Farmer Perkins was a dead man \u2013 and Bryant had nothing left. He\u2019d finally run into someone who wouldn\u2019t back down and it scared him. You were his undoing.\u201d<\/p>\n

 <\/p>\n

\u201cBut what if I\u2019d been wrong?\u201d<\/p>\n

 <\/p>\n

\u201cWhat if\u2019s can drive a man to distraction and it leaves you with nothing because the past is the past.\u201d\u00a0 Ben moved his hands to Adam\u2019s shoulders and squeezed. \u201cYou question everything, but you should never question my love for you no matter the circumstances. It will always be there.\u201d<\/p>\n

 <\/p>\n

Adam remained quiet for a time, sifting through what Ben had told him, debating with himself if it was as easy as his father claimed or was he just trying to calm his guilt-ridden son. But then he shook that thought away. Through their many years together, his father had never tried to soften the blows that\u2019d come their way and he didn\u2019t think he was about to start now. Faith, huh?\u201d he finally said running a hand across his face. \u201cThat seems like an awfully flimsy ideal to rest a life on.\u201d<\/p>\n

 <\/p>\n

\u201cIt\u2019s always worked for me in one way or another. Now let it work for you.\u201d<\/p>\n

 <\/p>\n

Adam looked, really looked into his father\u2019s eyes and saw neither hate nor accusation, only compassion. Faith. Perhaps it was a faith in oneself that all the answers were right in front of you just waiting to be chosen. The trick was finding the right one.<\/p>\n

 <\/p>\n

\u201cI\u2019m proud of you, son, as you should be of yourself. It takes a strong man to not only stand up for what he believes in but stand apart from his brothers.\u201d<\/p>\n

 <\/p>\n

\u201cThey had good reason . . .\u201d<\/p>\n

 <\/p>\n

\u201cDon\u2019t make excuses for them. I didn\u2019t raise them to abandon their brother once the going got tough. They\u2019re rightfully ashamed.\u201d<\/p>\n

 <\/p>\n

\u201cThey shouldn\u2019t be.\u201d Adam held up his hand when Ben began to protest again, feeling tired and worn out. \u201cI don\u2019t blame them, Pa. It was their right as my brothers and your sons to find another way. As you\u2019ve so adamantly pointed out, it\u2019s the endgame that matters, not how we got there. I\u2019m just having difficulty getting past that.\u201d<\/p>\n

 <\/p>\n

\u201cYou will. All of us have doubts, Adam. It\u2019s what makes us what we are. I think no less of you because of it.\u201d<\/p>\n

 <\/p>\n

\u201cI have to admit that every night since that day I\u2019ve been watching you sleep to reassure myself that I wasn\u2019t dreaming, that you are<\/u><\/em> home, you are<\/u><\/em> safe. I haven\u2019t needed to do that since I was a boy. It\u2019s a little unsettling.\u201d<\/p>\n

 <\/p>\n

Ben looked at him, surprise on his face. \u201cI didn\u2019t know you were in my room.\u201d<\/p>\n

 <\/p>\n

\u201cThat was<\/u><\/em> the point,\u201d Adam answered with a lopsided grin. \u201cYou snore, you know.\u201d<\/p>\n

 <\/p>\n

\u201cI do not,\u201d Ben answered with a raised brow.<\/p>\n

 <\/p>\n

\u201cI\u2019m just glad I can still hear it,\u201d he finished, Ben\u2019s hand moving to his neck, pulling him closer to plant a kiss on his forehead. Adam followed it with an embrace, again surprising Ben.<\/p>\n

 <\/p>\n

\u201cDon\u2019t worry, son. Together we\u2019ll get past this,\u201d Ben said, rubbing Adam\u2019s back.<\/p>\n

 <\/p>\n

\u201cI love you, Pa.\u201d<\/p>\n

 <\/p>\n

\u201cI love you, too, Adam.\u201d The sound of Sport and Buck calling out from the meadow startled them and they turned, seeing Joe and Hoss moving up the rocky trail.<\/p>\n

 <\/p>\n

\u201cAnybody hungry?\u201d Joe called as he leaped from the saddle, taking the large picnic basket from Hoss and hauling it over to the fallen log.<\/p>\n

 <\/p>\n

\u201cI am,\u201d Hoss announced, leading both Chubb and Cochise into the meadow, then quickly returning to help Joe lay out the blanket.<\/p>\n

 <\/p>\n

\u201cAdam, Hop Sing says that if you don\u2019t eat everything we set before you,\u201d Joe began, \u201che\u2019s gonna quit and go back to China.\u201d<\/p>\n

 <\/p>\n

\u201cAnd that, big brother, would be a crime, an absolute crime,\u201d Hoss added, rubbing his hands together as Joe began pulling food from the basket.<\/p>\n

 <\/p>\n

\u201cWhat do you say, son?\u201d Ben asked smiling at his eldest who grinned back, surreptitiously wiping at the tears on his face.<\/p>\n

 <\/p>\n

\u201cI wouldn\u2019t want Hoss mad at me if Hop Sing leaves,\u201d replied Adam.<\/p>\n

 <\/p>\n

\u201cDarn right.\u201d<\/p>\n

 <\/p>\n

Adam\u2019s grin turned into a full-fledged smile at the earnest way Hoss had spoken then faltered at the serious look his brother gave back to him.<\/p>\n

 <\/p>\n

\u201cI wouldn\u2019t want nobody mad at me, especially if\u2019n I was wrong,\u201d added Hoss.<\/p>\n

 <\/p>\n

That simple statement made Adam suck in a breath. Hoss had been torn \u2013 side with Joe or with him \u2013 and he knew it tore at his brother\u2019s heart to leave him dangling. They\u2019d been through too much together to see their relationship break into pieces over the events of one dark night.<\/p>\n

 <\/p>\n

\u201cMe neither,\u201d Joe added, offering a piece of chicken to his older brother, another serious face looking back at him. \u201cEspecially<\/u><\/em> if I was wrong.\u201d<\/p>\n

 <\/p>\n

Adam hesitated and stared at his younger brother, knowing to what he was referring. Joe\u2019s words still stung, even though he knew they\u2019d been regretted the moment they\u2019d been voiced, but he also knew he couldn\u2019t let those words, said under duress, ruin what they had. They were a family and nothing could change that.<\/p>\n

 <\/p>\n

A small piece of that dark cloud Adam had driven himself into was thinning, taking with it parts of his doubt and fear. And with that came the realization that his need for absolution covered more than his father. It encompassed his brothers as well. He took the offered chicken. \u201cI guess I am<\/u><\/em> hungry,\u201d he finally said.<\/p>\n

 <\/p>\n

\u201cWell, sit down then,\u201d Joe ordered, grateful that they could put the past behind them. \u201cCan\u2019t eat mashed potatoes standing up.\u201d<\/p>\n

 <\/p>\n

Adam took the offered seat as Ben sat next to him, patting him on the back.<\/p>\n

 <\/p>\n

The clean air and beautiful scenery finally worked their magic and the small group began to fall back into their groove. Joe\u2019s cackle echoed around them as Hoss proceeded to tell a story about Mrs. Gardner\u2019s runaway chickens and Ben commented on Mr.Tennon\u2019s new hairpiece that had a tendency to slip sideways when the weather heated up.<\/p>\n

 <\/p>\n

And Adam thanked God for his family and giving him the good luck to \u2018guess right\u2019 thus allowing him more time with his beloved father. What could\u2019ve been lost wasn\u2019t and a choice made was the right one. Don\u2019t ever make me have to do that again!<\/p>\n

 <\/p>\n

\u201cAnymore chicken left?<\/p>\n

\u00a0<\/em><\/p>\n

*****End*****<\/p>\n

\u00a0<\/em><\/p>\n

*Although I viewed the episode, Death at Dawn, over and over, I never caught Morgan Woodward\u2019s character name. Doing a bit more research I found out his name was Biggs (listed in \u201cA Reference Guide to Television\u2019s Bonanza\u201d by Bruce & Linda Leiby). So, I added a first name and used this last name. Now I could never find out the old gent\u2019s name who worked on the gallows so he became Hal Winston. If anyone knows his character\u2019s name, sing out and I\u2019ll change it.<\/em><\/p>\n

 <\/p>\n

<\/div>\n

<\/g><\/svg><\/i> \"Loading\"<\/p>\n

<\/div>\n","protected":false},"excerpt":{"rendered":"

Summary:\u00a0 WHN for Death at Dawn.\u00a0 Adam\u2019s brothers didn\u2019t stick with him and he put his father\u2019s life on the line. How would you feel after it was all over?<\/p>\n

Rating:\u00a0 K+\u00a0 (5,190 words)<\/p>\n","protected":false},"author":125,"featured_media":5745,"comment_status":"open","ping_status":"closed","sticky":false,"template":"template-full-width-post.php","format":"standard","meta":{"_jetpack_newsletter_access":"","_jetpack_dont_email_post_to_subs":false,"_jetpack_newsletter_tier_id":0,"_jetpack_memberships_contains_paywalled_content":false,"_jetpack_memberships_contains_paid_content":false,"footnotes":"","jetpack_post_was_ever_published":false},"categories":[23,13],"tags":[14,15,17,16],"class_list":["post-12680","post","type-post","status-publish","format-standard","has-post-thumbnail","hentry","category-drama","category-whn","tag-adam-cartwright","tag-ben","tag-hoss","tag-joe","wpcat-23-id","wpcat-13-id"],"a3_pvc":{"activated":true,"total_views":2508,"today_views":0},"jetpack_featured_media_url":"https:\/\/i0.wp.com\/bonanzabrand.info\/library\/wp-content\/uploads\/2014\/05\/Dawn_1.jpg?fit=614%2C480&ssl=1","jetpack_likes_enabled":true,"jetpack-related-posts":[{"id":15678,"url":"https:\/\/bonanzabrand.info\/library\/?p=15678","url_meta":{"origin":12680,"position":0},"title":"Valentine Nightmares (by Hart4Ben)","author":"Hart4Ben","date":"February 14, 2016","format":false,"excerpt":"Summary:\u00a0A light-hearted look at the Cartwright men struggling with the upcoming Valentine's Day dance. Rating: K+\u00a0 Word Count: 667","rel":"","context":"In "Humor"","block_context":{"text":"Humor","link":"https:\/\/bonanzabrand.info\/library\/?cat=4"},"img":{"alt_text":"","src":"","width":0,"height":0},"classes":[]},{"id":14039,"url":"https:\/\/bonanzabrand.info\/library\/?p=14039","url_meta":{"origin":12680,"position":1},"title":"Stranger in the Night (by JC)","author":"JC","date":"March 8, 2017","format":false,"excerpt":"Summary:\u00a0A Bonanza Gothic poem written for the 2017 \"Once Upon A Midnight Dreary\" challenge honoring the birthday of Edgar Allen Poe. 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Rating :\u00a0 K+ (840 words)","rel":"","context":"In "Adam Cartwright"","block_context":{"text":"Adam Cartwright","link":"https:\/\/bonanzabrand.info\/library\/?cat=1005"},"img":{"alt_text":"","src":"https:\/\/i0.wp.com\/bonanzabrand.info\/library\/wp-content\/uploads\/2015\/04\/ac-pic.jpg?fit=335%2C328&ssl=1&resize=350%2C200","width":350,"height":200},"classes":[]},{"id":809,"url":"https:\/\/bonanzabrand.info\/library\/?p=809","url_meta":{"origin":12680,"position":3},"title":"RIP Mr Cartwright (by mumu74)","author":"mumu74","date":"November 19, 2013","format":false,"excerpt":"Summary: To Kill A Cartwright \"november Challenge\" Rip Mr Cartwright Rating:\u00a0 T\u00a0 (741 words)","rel":"","context":"In "Drama"","block_context":{"text":"Drama","link":"https:\/\/bonanzabrand.info\/library\/?cat=23"},"img":{"alt_text":"","src":"https:\/\/i0.wp.com\/bonanzabrand.info\/library\/wp-content\/uploads\/2016\/06\/Ben-1.jpg?fit=234%2C234&ssl=1&resize=350%2C200","width":350,"height":200},"classes":[]},{"id":5454,"url":"https:\/\/bonanzabrand.info\/library\/?p=5454","url_meta":{"origin":12680,"position":4},"title":"Autumn’s Surprise (by deansgirl)","author":"deansgirl","date":"October 30, 2012","format":false,"excerpt":"Summary:\u00a0 Autumn is setting around the Ponderosa and with it comes a very dear and long awaited surprise.\u00a0 \u00a0 Rated:\u00a0K+ (1,180 words) Autumn Series, links to all the stories within the series are included.","rel":"","context":"In "Chaps and Spurs"","block_context":{"text":"Chaps and Spurs","link":"https:\/\/bonanzabrand.info\/library\/?cat=39"},"img":{"alt_text":"","src":"https:\/\/i0.wp.com\/bonanzabrand.info\/library\/wp-content\/uploads\/2016\/06\/Showdown3.jpg?fit=761%2C669&ssl=1&resize=350%2C200","width":350,"height":200,"srcset":"https:\/\/i0.wp.com\/bonanzabrand.info\/library\/wp-content\/uploads\/2016\/06\/Showdown3.jpg?fit=761%2C669&ssl=1&resize=350%2C200 1x, https:\/\/i0.wp.com\/bonanzabrand.info\/library\/wp-content\/uploads\/2016\/06\/Showdown3.jpg?fit=761%2C669&ssl=1&resize=525%2C300 1.5x, https:\/\/i0.wp.com\/bonanzabrand.info\/library\/wp-content\/uploads\/2016\/06\/Showdown3.jpg?fit=761%2C669&ssl=1&resize=700%2C400 2x"},"classes":[]},{"id":13866,"url":"https:\/\/bonanzabrand.info\/library\/?p=13866","url_meta":{"origin":12680,"position":5},"title":"A Warm Place in Your Heart (by Camera Chic)","author":"Camera Chic","date":"March 1, 2012","format":false,"excerpt":"Summary: The family starts to heal after the loss of Marie, as Adam strives to be strong for his family. 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