{"id":12681,"date":"2005-11-14T17:10:01","date_gmt":"2005-11-14T22:10:01","guid":{"rendered":"https:\/\/bonanzabrand.info\/library\/?p=12681"},"modified":"2026-04-14T14:17:40","modified_gmt":"2026-04-14T18:17:40","slug":"a-flame-diminished-by-calim11","status":"publish","type":"post","link":"https:\/\/bonanzabrand.info\/library\/?p=12681","title":{"rendered":"A Flame Diminished (by Calim11)"},"content":{"rendered":"

Summary:\u00a0 <\/strong>This story takes place between the end of Season 13 and the beginning of Season 14. Please forgive any errors in how the great room is set up. I\u2019m not a fan of the episodes after Adam left so I haven\u2019t seen them in years.<\/em><\/p>\n

Rating:\u00a0 K+ (11,440 words)<\/p>\n

 <\/p>\n

A Flame Diminished<\/strong><\/p>\n

The night was dark, tossing the cliff high above the distant water into deep shadow. He spied a figure hanging there, one hand wrapped tightly about a branch, feet dangling over a dark infinity below. He ran towards the figure, making a desperate leap with his arm reaching out to barely touch the hand clutching the branch. It disappeared from his grasping fingers and the figure fell silently toward the water and disappeared from sight . . .<\/p>\n

 <\/p>\n

\u201cJoe!\u201d Adam Cartwright cried out, his head snapping back as his hand gripped the window of the stage in an iron grip. The young lady riding next to him started at his shout, prompting a quick apology and a small tired smile. She smiled back and closed her eyes. Rubbing his bearded face, Adam looked out into the night as it sped past.<\/p>\n

 <\/p>\n

Nightmares. Nightmares made you sweat and turn gray before your time. And, for him, they came often of late, crowding his evenings. They consisted of Indian attacks, stampedes and wide open spaces with no end, each one leaving him frightened and nervous, affecting his work, his appetite and his life. The latest, while on the surface appearing calm, was a doozy.<\/p>\n

 <\/p>\n

For two straight weeks, he\u2019d watched Joe tumble to his death because he couldn\u2019t reach him in time, and each night became more urgent than the last. Sleep, restive sleep, became impossible until he\u2019d finally collapsed from exhaustion. His business partner, Aaron Butler, had even gone so far as to take away his office keys insisting he stay home and rest. Rest was the last thing he wanted to do. With rest came the closing of eyes and the return of that damn dream. So he\u2019d packed some things and bought a ticket home. He had to see Joe. He had to see his brother standing upright and breathing.<\/p>\n

 <\/p>\n

He jumped slightly as someone tapped him on the shoulder.<\/p>\n

 <\/p>\n

\u201cYa steppin\u2019 out, son, or goin\u2019 on with me?\u201d asked the stage driver.<\/p>\n

 <\/p>\n

\u201cWhat?\u201d<\/p>\n

 <\/p>\n

\u201cWe\u2019re here,\u201d he patiently explained. \u201cVirginia City.\u201d<\/p>\n

 <\/p>\n

Adam looked out the stage window. Sheepishly, he turned back toward the driver. \u201cSorry.\u201d<\/p>\n

 <\/p>\n

\u201cNo worries,\u201d the driver answered with a smile backing out of the coach, followed closely by Adam. \u201cIt\u2019s late. Don\u2019t look the same in the dark.\u201d<\/p>\n

 <\/p>\n

\u201cBetter to see,\u201d Adam muttered, the driver tossing down his satchel.<\/p>\n

 <\/p>\n

Looking about the town he\u2019d grown up in, a yearning filled him. That surprised him. He\u2019d been gone for seven years but it suddenly felt like only yesterday when Hoss waved goodbye from this very spot, Ben hugged him and Joe . . . Joe turned from him. He liked to think it was to hide his emotions but was never really sure. Now he hoped he could ask him. I\u2019ve no time to think. I\u2019ve got to get home.<\/p>\n

 <\/p>\n

\u201cExcuse me,\u201d Adam called, seeing someone closing the livery next door. Hurrying over, he smiled at the young man who gave him a shocked look. \u201cI didn\u2019t mean to startle you and I know it\u2019s late, but I need to rent a horse. I\u2019ll be glad to pay extra?\u201d<\/p>\n

 <\/p>\n

Holding Adam\u2019s gaze a bit longer than necessary, the young man motioned him inside. \u201cCome on in.\u201d<\/p>\n

 <\/p>\n

\u201cI\u2019m sorry for the hour,\u201d Adam began following him inside, \u201cbut the stage just came in.\u201d<\/p>\n

 <\/p>\n

\u201cNo bother, Mr. Cartwright,\u201d was the answer. Adam looked at the man, not recognizing him, and watched as he tossed a saddle on one of the horses and pulled the cinch tight. Noticing the effort of the man to keep from looking at him made Adam uneasy.<\/p>\n

 <\/p>\n

The dark circles under his eyes showed more than his recent sleeping problems. It highlighted his growing fear that something was wrong and this encounter hadn\u2019t set his mind at ease. The young man gathered up the reins and Adam reached into his pocket.<\/p>\n

 <\/p>\n

\u201cNot necessary, Mr. Cartwright,\u201d the stable man said with a shake of his head. \u201cJust bring him back when ya can.\u201d He handed him the reins. \u201cHave a good evening,\u201d he said, giving him a sad smile.<\/p>\n

 <\/p>\n

Frowning, Adam nodded his thanks, hooked his satchel over the pommel, and then mounted.<\/p>\n

 <\/p>\n

The young man watched him leave. \u201cGod speed,\u201d he muttered as he locked the livery door knowing what news awaited the eldest Cartwright at home and headed down the street.<\/p>\n

 <\/p>\n

Thinking on the odd encounter, Adam made his way quickly through the night, testing his memory and moving off the road to follow a little known route to the house. He hadn\u2019t recognized the young man but the young man had obviously recognized him and the sadness radiating from him scared Adam even further.<\/p>\n

 <\/p>\n

The trees sped past and the sparkle off the lake lit up the night but it all went by unnoticed as Adam pushed his mount on faster. Am I too late?<\/p>\n

 <\/p>\n

An hour later, he spied the barn through the trees and the house just beyond – the house with his father and brothers – and he was struck with hesitation. If nothing was wrong, would they be glad to see him or would they turn him away at the door? Would they question why he cared now, instead of seven years ago? He would have to deal with whatever he would face.<\/p>\n

 <\/p>\n

The trees parted and the barn passed and Adam found himself in the yard. Reining in his horse, he sat for a spell taking it all in. Everything was in its place, up to and including the leaky water pump and trough. He was here. He was home and it felt as if he\u2019d never left.<\/p>\n

 <\/p>\n

Gingerly dismounting and tying the reins to the hitching post nearest the stoop, he stopped and ran his hand down the post\u2019s wooden length and recalled the day his father hammered in the last nail. Hoss had been the first to tie up his horse at their new home. It was the last piece of work completed before all the tools were put away and all the plans stored. The smell of wildflowers drifting on the breeze that day filled him and he closed his eyes at the memory. Taking in a deep breath of the cool November night air, he coughed and held onto the post. Nevada air was just too pure for him anymore.<\/p>\n

 <\/p>\n

\u201cI\u2019ll see to you in a minute,\u201d he said to his horse, patting the animal\u2019s sweaty neck, and turned toward the closed front door. Someone should have come out already after his run into the yard. Odd.<\/p>\n

 <\/p>\n

Stepping onto the stoop, he glanced to the side seeing Marie\u2019s rose bush still blooming after all these years. He\u2019d asked Hop Sing many times how it kept going even in off-season and all he\u2019d ever received was a raised brow and a wink followed by some Cantonese homily.<\/p>\n

 <\/p>\n

The familiar furniture on the porch reminded him of a story or two, each bullet hole and scar in the timber a piece of history, Cartwright history of how they\u2019d lived. Being suddenly nostalgic surprised him. All these years away had never turned his thoughts to such things. Obviously, his dream had done more to him than just make him lose sleep.<\/p>\n

 <\/p>\n

His hand stopped just short of the doorknob. This isn\u2019t my home anymore. I can\u2019t just walk in. Taking a breath, he raised his hand to knock when something else catching his eye. A long piece of black crepe hung across the top of the doorframe fluttering in the night breeze. Black crepe? His heart skipped a beat. He flung open the door and rushed inside.<\/p>\n

 <\/p>\n

\u201cPa!\u201d he yelled, peering into the darkness that met his eyes. All the lamps were out and the fireplace was dark. \u201cJoe! Hoss!\u201d Their names echoed about the big room. \u201cHop Sing!\u201d Nothing met his ears but the echo of his own voice.<\/p>\n

 <\/p>\n

Tossing his hat on the sideboard, he hurried up the stairs, finding every room empty and cold, devoid of any leftover life force that always existed in a well-loved house. It unnerved him and slowly he returned downstairs, noticing his hat was the only thing on the sideboard. No guns, no hats, no life.<\/p>\n

 <\/p>\n

The room began to tilt and he barely made it to Ben\u2019s large desk as dizziness swept through him. Fighting the rising bile in his throat, he carefully maneuvered himself around into the leather chair that had always been there. Shutting his eyes, sweat ran down his neck to dampen his collar making him shiver. The silence enveloped him. Nothing from the house, nothing from the barn. It was as if time had stopped and left him behind.<\/p>\n

 <\/p>\n

Slowly recovering, he dared to open his eyes, running a trembling hand over his face. You\u2019re making a mountain out of a molehill. Maybe everyone is just out. Maybe they are in town. Maybe I should stop talking to myself and light the damn lamp.<\/p>\n

 <\/p>\n

The green-glassed lamp on the desk flamed to life bathing the room in a soft glow, showing Adam that everything remained as he remembered it. Surrounding his father\u2019s desk, the bookshelves still stood filled with books next to the old wood stove. And, on the wall, the map. How proud Adam had been when Ben hung that map. It was out of date \u2013 the property lines changing with the purchase of new land and the excising of old \u2013 but there it was still. A pang of longing filled him for what he\u2019d missed these last seven years and a great sadness moved over him bringing tears to his eyes.<\/p>\n

 <\/p>\n

\u201cAh, Lord,\u201d he mumbled holding his head in his hands. Thoughts of the time and effort it took to clear the land, to build the house, to carve out a piece of wilderness to call their own crowded together in his head. They\u2019d put in many days and years of hard work full of pain, heartache and eventually, success, and he\u2019d run away from it all. Run away. The stalwart Adam Cartwright ran away from his home and his family for what? To start a new life? To carve out his own future on his own terms? But am I satisfied?<\/p>\n

 <\/p>\n

\u201cToo much thinking,\u201d he muttered aloud. Always thinking. \u2018You\u2019ll think your brain right out of your head,\u2019 Joe had once told him. \u201cJoe, where are you?\u201d The Grandfather clock by the front door began chiming, drawing his attention.<\/p>\n

 <\/p>\n

One, two, three<\/em> \u2013 and he glanced up the stairs \u2013 four, five, six<\/em> – and remembered when they\u2019d chosen their rooms \u2013 seven, eight<\/em> \u2013 Hoss the farthest away because even as a young boy he snored \u2013 nine, ten<\/em> \u2013 and it hadn\u2019t been far enough \u2013 eleven, twelve<\/em> and the sound of the front door opening turned his head.<\/p>\n

 <\/p>\n

Wiping his eyes, he stood and stepped slowly away from the desk and into the room, hoping whoever was here would ease his mind. What he saw nearly stopped his heart – Joseph Francis Cartwright, living and breathing, standing silently by the sideboard fingering the strange hat that lay there.<\/p>\n

 <\/p>\n

\u201cJoe!\u201d Adam cried, startling the young man who whirled around, hand to his gun. The fear that had so unsettled him quieted at the sight of his younger brother as he hurried over, quickly embracing him. \u201cYou\u2019re alive! Thank God, you\u2019re alive! I thought something had happened to you,\u201d he whispered into Joe\u2019s ear, relief moving through him.<\/p>\n

 <\/p>\n

Stunned, Joe stood there for a moment. My God, it\u2019s Adam! Recovering quickly, he wrapped his arms about his older brother, holding on as tight as he could in case he was dreaming.<\/p>\n

 <\/p>\n

\u201cI wish it had<\/u><\/em> been me,\u201d Joe whispered back in a voice cracking with emotion, the comment falling on deaf ears so intent was Adam on who he held in his arms.<\/p>\n

 <\/p>\n

The dream was wrong! The dream that had dragged him all this way was wrong and he could finally stop worrying himself to death.<\/p>\n

 <\/p>\n

\u201cWhere is everyone?\u201d Adam asked still holding him tightly. \u201cWhere are Pa and Hoss?\u201d Joe stiffened and pulled back, forcing his brother to release him. Adam\u2019s look of joy faded.<\/p>\n

 <\/p>\n

\u201cI don\u2019t think that\u2019s particularly funny,\u201d Joe answered, searching his brother\u2019s face for the reason behind that particular question. Joe\u2019s cold voice confused Adam as he watched anger cascade across the familiar face before turning from him.<\/p>\n

 <\/p>\n

\u201cIt wasn\u2019t meant as a joke,\u201d Adam stated, staring at Joe\u2019s back. \u201cWhere are they? San Francisco? Sacramento? Has Hop Sing got everyone on a spice hunt again?\u201d He grinned remembering the last time the three of them had experienced that little job. Joe spun, intense anger running through him. How could his brother be so flip? Why did he come home?<\/p>\n

 <\/p>\n

Opening his mouth to tell him to leave and never come back, he caught a look of confusion in those dark eyes. Joe sucked in a breath, anger fading as realization hit. He didn\u2019t know. My God, Adam didn\u2019t know.<\/p>\n

 <\/p>\n

\u201cWhere are they, Joe?\u201d Adam asked, his heart beginning to pound at the look on his brother\u2019s face.<\/p>\n

 <\/p>\n

\u201cWe need to sit,\u201d was all Joe said, pulling on Adam\u2019s arm, trying to move him to the settee, but his brother had become an immoveable object who fixed Joe with a steely glare.<\/p>\n

 <\/p>\n

\u201cOut with it, Joe.\u201d Adam\u2019s voice took on that ominous tone that he knew meant business.<\/p>\n

 <\/p>\n

\u201cAdam, I . . .\u201d Joe began then stopped, dropping his hands from his brother\u2019s arm, trying to keep the quiver from his voice. There was no easy way to say what . . . to tell him . . .\u00a0 Joe lowered his head to avoid the dark piercing eyes skewering him with their intensity.<\/p>\n

 <\/p>\n

\u201cIs it Pa?\u201d Adam watched Joe take a breath as if something had struck his heart. Adam stood a bit straighter as if that would brace him against what was coming. Always he\u2019d thought the dream was about Joe but maybe, maybe it was someone else. \u201cWhat\u2019s happened to Pa, Joe?\u201d he asked again, clinching his jaw against his emotions. I won\u2019t breakdown. Not yet.<\/p>\n

 <\/p>\n

\u201cIt\u2019s not . . .\u201d Joe began, tears falling. \u201cIt\u2019s not Pa, Adam,\u201d he finished, his voice betraying him, turning his head away.<\/p>\n

 <\/p>\n

Irritated, Adam grabbed Joe\u2019s arms and forced him to look into his eyes. Joe was making less sense than usual. \u201cThen who . . .\u201d<\/p>\n

 <\/p>\n

\u201cI thought . . . I thought you knew.\u201d<\/p>\n

 <\/p>\n

Adam\u2019s brow furrowed. It\u2019s not Pa. \u201cI thought you knew.\u201d It\u2019s not Pa. Suddenly, a familiar gap toothed face sprang to life before his eyes with a smile as warm as the sun, and he blinked. \u201cNot Pa . . .\u201d he whispered as he stepped back, hands dropping from Joe\u2019s arms. This can\u2019t be right.<\/p>\n

 <\/p>\n

\u201cAdam . . .\u201d Joe began reaching for his brother.<\/p>\n

 <\/p>\n

\u201cNot Pa,\u201d Adam repeated, forcing himself to look at Joe, to see that this was some horrible joke. What he beheld was pure devastation and he knew it was true. Legs turned to jelly and he dropped heavily to the floor, Joe following him down, clutching his arms. \u201cNo, no . . .\u201d were the only words Adam uttered as he stared at the floor. This had to be a mistake. It must have been someone else. His brother was too young, too full of life. It couldn\u2019t be him. He was the life of the Ponderosa, of this family!<\/p>\n

 <\/p>\n

\u201cAdam,\u201d Joe tried again, his soft voice drawing him back to the present. He blinked again as tears tumbled down his face.<\/p>\n

 <\/p>\n

\u201cJoe . . . Oh God, Joe . . .\u201d\u00a0\u00a0 A wrenching sob overtook Adam and Joe grabbed him in an urgent embrace, the great room echoing with the agonizing sounds of two hearts breaking. Nothing would ever be the same again.<\/p>\n

 <\/p>\n

\u00a0<\/strong><\/p>\n

**********<\/p>\n

\u00a0<\/em><\/p>\n

Hoss scampered over the log toward his big brother, a smile playing across his face. It never ceased to amaze Adam how much Hoss got from a beautiful sunrise or a pond full of frogs or just eating breakfast. He often wished he could be more like his little brother but he had responsibilities, Hoss being one of them.<\/em><\/p>\n

\u00a0<\/em><\/p>\n

\u201cCome on, Adam. Let\u2019s go fishin\u2019.\u201d Hoss\u2019 smiles were contagious and Adam fought hard not to give in.<\/em><\/p>\n

\u00a0<\/em><\/p>\n

\u201cWe\u2019ve got work to do, little brother,\u201d he reminded him, handing Hoss a bucket.\u00a0 \u201cOl\u2019 Bessie can\u2019t milk herself and you know how Pa gets if he doesn\u2019t have his cream.\u201d<\/em><\/p>\n

\u00a0<\/em><\/p>\n

\u201cI know, but jest this once?\u201d <\/em><\/p>\n

\u00a0<\/em><\/p>\n

Adam shook his head once then sighed.\u00a0 Hoss knew that was always a good sign. \u201cTell you what.\u00a0 You milk ol\u2019 Bessie and I\u2019ll shoe Donder for you and <\/em>then<\/u> we\u2019ll go fishing.\u201d<\/em><\/p>\n

\u00a0<\/em><\/p>\n

\u201cReally?\u201d<\/em><\/p>\n

\u00a0<\/em><\/p>\n

\u201cReally.\u201d\u00a0 <\/em><\/p>\n

\u00a0<\/em><\/p>\n

\u201cHot diggity!\u201d Hoss yelled skipping into the barn. Adam heard Bessie\u2019s welcome and Hoss\u2019 answer and laughed to himself. That boy could get along with anyone and anything.\u00a0 <\/em><\/p>\n

\u00a0<\/em><\/p>\n

He\u2019d never been that carefree as a boy, never given the chance. There hadn\u2019t been time being on a wagon train for most of his early life, but he wasn\u2019t complaining. They\u2019d finally settled down, built a modest house and had a start of a good-sized herd. Things were looking up for the Cartwright family. Roots were being set. They\u2019d finally found a home.<\/em><\/p>\n

\u00a0<\/em><\/p>\n

**********<\/p>\n

 <\/p>\n

Joe stood by the horses \u2013 Sport (who\u2019d nearly had a fit seeing his master after all this time) and Cochise, both pushing twenty \u2013 watching his brother raise a hand to touch the gravestone standing watch over Hoss, then pull it away. Turning toward the lake, Adam didn\u2019t see the moon play its rays across the surface of the lake, didn\u2019t see anything but Hoss\u2019 face in the waters of Lake Somerset.<\/p>\n

 <\/p>\n

Hoss had called it that after a book title he\u2019d seen on Adam\u2019s shelf when he was only eight. It was his favorite spot on the Ponderosa and he could be found here many a time. \u2018If Adam has a place ta think, then so do I\u2019 echoed for both brothers in their thoughts. The late fall flowers were all around and the sway of the tall grasses sent up a whispering that filled the air about them.<\/p>\n

 <\/p>\n

This was where Joe spent most of his time, having already been there this very day, and every day before that, and every day to come. This time was for Adam. Joe would wait and watch, feeling the raw emotion from his brother that he still couldn\u2019t completely control himself, and be there for him in case he was needed.<\/p>\n

 <\/p>\n

Watching in silence as Adam continued to stare out at the lake, Joe thought his brother didn\u2019t look well. The beard hides some, but the eyes . . .\u00a0 There\u2019s something else there, something old and buried . . .\u00a0 Ah, yes, guilt. Something they both shared. For Adam, it was a promise unfulfilled \u2013 he hadn\u2019t been there for Hoss as he\u2019d promised Inger. For Joe – he hadn\u2019t been quick enough.<\/p>\n

 <\/p>\n

The lake should have brought Adam peace but all it gave him was an aching sadness. Refusing to look at the gravestone made him feel safe because if he looked, this horrible nightmare would be true and he wouldn\u2019t be able to pass it off as another of Joe and Hoss\u2019 practical jokes. If he looked, any remaining hopes, no matter how farfetched, would be dashed. But he knew he\u2019d have to face it eventually. He\u2019d have to walk past the stone and read the inscription and then he would know, know this was real and not part of that damn dream, torturing him even now when he was awake. I can\u2019t do it now.<\/p>\n

 <\/p>\n

He raised a hand again and this time laid it gently upon the stone – the coldness of the granite seeping into his fingers sending shockwaves of despair through his already devastated heart. All thoughts of jokes and dreams quickly fled and he bowed his head feeling weak and sick, nausea from the tumult of emotions moving through him like a train making his knees buckle. Holding onto the stone, he slid to the ground, and leaned against it, unable to fathom the idea that he would never again see that big galoot come riding up on Chubb and holler out \u2018dadburnit, Adam, whatcha sittin\u2019 there for?\u2019 Didn\u2019t want to believe that he\u2019d never hear that big hearty laugh, laughing with him or about him, ever again. Why? Why didn\u2019t you take me?<\/p>\n

 <\/p>\n

Misery took him and he buried his face in his hands. Joe was suddenly there, wrapping a consoling arm about his brother\u2019s shaking shoulders, having already gone through this torment for two weeks. He had to be strong for Adam. My, how times had changed.<\/p>\n

 <\/p>\n

They sat like that for who knows how long, Joe silent, Adam slowly regaining control, knowing in an instant it would leave him again. Finally raising his head from his hands and wiping tears from his face, he looked away from Joe and back towards the lake.<\/p>\n

 <\/p>\n

\u201cI\u2019m sorry,\u201d he whispered, Joe straining to hear.<\/p>\n

 <\/p>\n

\u201cFor what?\u201d Joe asked.<\/p>\n

 <\/p>\n

\u201cI can\u2019t seem to . . .\u201d\u00a0 Adam\u2019s eyes filled again and he drew his knees up to his chest, wrapping his arms about them and taking in a shuddering breath. \u201cI can\u2019t seem to stop.\u201d A rare admission from his strong brother making Joe hold him tighter.<\/p>\n

 <\/p>\n

\u201cI didn\u2019t know I had so much water in me,\u201d Joe confessed. \u201cHaven\u2019t stopped since it happened and don\u2019t think I can either. Although, I\u2019m working on a record about now. I\u2019ve been dry eyed for about an hour.\u201d<\/p>\n

 <\/p>\n

A small smile tugged at Adam\u2019s mouth as he rested his chin on his knees. \u201cHow did it happen?\u201d he managed, needing to know at least that much.<\/p>\n

 <\/p>\n

Joe looked off into the trees. \u201cHe was helping some folks having trouble crossing a river,\u201d he began pulling at some non-existent thread on his pants. \u201cHe fell in, hit his head. I . . . I couldn\u2019t get to him fast enough.\u201d<\/p>\n

 <\/p>\n

Adam closed his eyes at the words. Joe was with him, all alone. \u201cI\u2019m sorry I wasn\u2019t there.\u201d<\/p>\n

 <\/p>\n

The pain in those few words made Joe flinch then shake his head. \u201cWouldn\u2019t have mattered,\u201d he answered. \u201cThe river was high and running fast. I couldn\u2019t reach him. No one could. He brushed past me and, for a moment, I felt his hand on mine and then he was gone.\u201d<\/p>\n

 <\/p>\n

Adam raised his head. Reaching and almost touching, feeling the person\u2019s hand and then nothing. Was it Hoss in my dream? \u201cI thought I was going to lose Pa, too,\u201d Joe added. \u201cHe went crazy with grief, Adam. I\u2019d never seen him like that before and it scared me. I sent you a telegram hoping you\u2019d come home.\u201d<\/p>\n

 <\/p>\n

\u201cI never got a telegram,\u201d Adam said in a soft voice as Joe looked at him.<\/p>\n

 <\/p>\n

\u201cThen how did . . .\u00a0 What made you . . .\u201d<\/p>\n

 <\/p>\n

\u201cI had a dream,\u201d he admitted, glancing at his younger brother, waiting for the jokes, but only a serious face met his.<\/p>\n

 <\/p>\n

\u201cAbout Hoss?\u201d<\/p>\n

 <\/p>\n

\u201cI thought it was about you.\u201d<\/p>\n

 <\/p>\n

\u201cMe?\u201d Adam nodded.<\/p>\n

 <\/p>\n

\u201cI didn\u2019t see your face but somehow it was you. You were hanging from a cliff and, try as I might, I couldn\u2019t reach you, couldn\u2019t help. You were always just out of my grasp, our hands barely touching as I lost you over the side.\u201d<\/p>\n

 <\/p>\n

\u201cBut that\u2019s almost like . . .\u201d\u00a0 Joe stopped himself seeing the similarities as Adam nodded.<\/p>\n

 <\/p>\n

\u201cI had that particular dream about two weeks ago and each night after that, each time more urgent than the last.\u201d<\/p>\n

 <\/p>\n

\u201cTwo weeks?\u201d Joe repeated softly.<\/p>\n

 <\/p>\n

\u201cI had to see with my own eyes if you were all right. I couldn\u2019t wait for a telegram, couldn\u2019t sit there thousands of miles from home, imagining what\u2019d happened. It pulled at me, Joe, like nothing ever has. I never thought . . .\u201d\u00a0 His voice caught in his throat and trailed off and he rubbed his eyes, pushing his head back against the stone, anger replacing sorrow. \u201cWhy him? He was such a good man. Better than any of us. Why was he so desperately needed elsewhere?\u201d<\/p>\n

 <\/p>\n

\u201cYou sound like Pa.\u201d<\/p>\n

 <\/p>\n

Adam closed his eyes and sniffled. God, he was tired and all he really wanted was things the way they were. \u201cWhere is he, Joe?\u201d he quietly asked. \u201cWhere\u2019s Pa?\u201d<\/p>\n

 <\/p>\n

\u201cI don\u2019t know,\u201d he answered. \u201cHe left ten days ago and I\u2019ve no idea where he is. I\u2019ve looked high and low, asked anyone with an ear. Nothing. It\u2019s as if he\u2019s vanished.\u201d<\/p>\n

 <\/p>\n

Adam sighed and looked into the night sky. \u201cHe disappeared on us before, when your mama died. Do you remember?\u201d Joe shook his head. That whole time was still a fuzzy blur to him. \u201cHe was gone for three weeks and I was left with a confused 12 year old and an upset 6 year old. I wasn\u2019t in much better shape myself.\u201d<\/p>\n

 <\/p>\n

\u201cHe did it when you left, too.\u201d<\/p>\n

 <\/p>\n

Surprised, Adam ran a hand over his face, feeling guilty all over again as Joe looked at him.<\/p>\n

 <\/p>\n

\u201cWhen mama died I believed you when you told me everything would be all right, and, in time, it was.\u201d Joe paused for a moment. \u201cWill we ever be all right, Adam?\u201d he asked, his chin beginning to quiver.<\/p>\n

 <\/p>\n

\u201cI don\u2019t know,\u201d was his only answer. \u201cI just don\u2019t know.\u201d The two brothers fell silent gazing out over the lake unaware of two sad eyes watching them from above.<\/p>\n

 <\/p>\n

Ben Cartwright turned away, unable to watch his sons in their grief. Adam was home and that should have sent him scurrying down the hill to envelop both his boys in his arms, to commiserate with them on their tremendous loss. But he had more riding to do on his walkabout. More riding and more crying and it all had to be done alone. Home was not his home right now.<\/p>\n

\u00a0<\/em><\/p>\n

**********<\/p>\n

\u00a0<\/em><\/p>\n

Their hands barely touched, a fleeting hint of warm skin on his own, until there was nothing there but the cold night air, and the sound of falling, falling into the darkness below. . <\/em><\/p>\n

\u00a0<\/em><\/p>\n

Adam\u2019s eyes popped open, his harsh breathing echoing about the room.<\/p>\n

 <\/p>\n

\u201cDamnit!\u201d Why am I still dreaming?!\u00a0\u00a0 It was Hoss. Why torment me still when there was nothing I could to?<\/p>\n

 <\/p>\n

Pushing back damp hair from his warm forehead, he gathered his breath and tried to quiet the frantic beating of his heart. The crackling of logs in the fireplace made him turn, his eyes catching sight of the items on the wall highlighted by the flames. One brought a smile to his face. A carving Hoss had given him of the house and tall Ponderosa pines towering over it had been a going away gift before he\u2019d left for college. Hoss made it to remind him of what was waiting back home. As if he needed reminding.<\/p>\n

 <\/p>\n

That day was still so real of how he\u2019d very nearly turned back at the first way station, wondering what the hell he was doing leaving his family to go to school. But as he stood that night watching the sun dip below the mountains, he remembered Hoss telling him that if he didn\u2019t go it would always pick at him and make him wonder if he should have taken the chance. Hoss bet him that he\u2019d be running the school before the year was out, then laid his head back and laughed.<\/p>\n

 <\/p>\n

That laugh filled Adam\u2019s room as a distant echo, washing over him with a blinding force as he thought once more of how he\u2019d never hear that sound again. And never was such a very long time.<\/p>\n

 <\/p>\n

Turning from the carving, Adam rested against the headboard, his eyes falling on other objects in his room, all filled with sweet memories of his brother making him smile and cry at the same time:\u00a0 the rocker which led to long nights sitting by the fire, reading Hoss bedtime stories or calming his nerves during a storm; a scar in the floorboards put there the first time Hoss found his spurs and dragged them across the floor in an attempt to toss them out the window with an exclamation of \u2018no one should use them things on an animal\u2019.<\/p>\n

 <\/p>\n

Joe told him, as they\u2019d sat on the bluff, that with the absence of their father, he\u2019d had to do something to ease his pain so he\u2019d visited Hoss\u2019 room every night, sometimes falling asleep on the large bed, bringing him closer to his dear departed friend. And then each morning came as the one before, the sun rising to showcase a beautiful new day and all thoughts moved to a day without Hoss and the sorrow began again.<\/p>\n

 <\/p>\n

Joe spoke so eloquently about their brother that it\u2019d moved Adam to tears time and again. Those two had a special bond, different than the one he\u2019d shared with Hoss and yet each brother felt the loss significantly. Each lost the better part of themselves that would never be reborn. Could they carry on in spite of their loss? Did they even want to try? He buried his face in his pillow and cried.<\/p>\n

 <\/p>\n

It wasn\u2019t fair. A kind and gentle soul taken for what? To bring me home? Something more subtle would have worked! Or would it? In the greater scheme of things, was Hoss\u2019 sacrifice all because I should be home? You\u2019re thinking again! Never a good thing so early in the morning.<\/p>\n

 <\/p>\n

He sighed. His head hurt and his eyes burned and he wanted his father, childish as it sounded. The strong man who\u2019d held him as a boy, who\u2019d spoken to him of cool summer nights and snow capped mountains and who\u2019d written so lovingly of the times he\u2019d missed at home. He wanted to be that boy again, because that would mean Hoss would be there too, willing to follow along with Joe\u2019s farfetched schemes or eating mounds of Hop Sing\u2019s food.<\/p>\n

 <\/p>\n

Cursing as he tossed back the covers, Adam swung his legs over the side. Goosebumps immediately rose and, for a moment, the thought of disappearing beneath the warmth of those covers tugged at him. Hoss wouldn\u2019t want you to lounge in guilt for the rest of your days! Get up! Get dressed! Eat something! He stuck his tongue out – his stomach rebelling at the mere thought of food. Sighing again, he reached for his pants.<\/p>\n

 <\/p>\n

Dressing took longer than usual that morning. They\u2019d sat for a good long time by Hoss\u2019 side and a chill had worked its way into his bones. That on top of almost zero sleep and the dizzy spells that came more often made it impossible to finish a day on his feet. Maybe he\u2019d just ride into town today and see Paul Martin. Maybe he could remedy whatever had him in its grip with western medicine since the eastern way had given him nothing but shrugs and tonics.<\/p>\n

 <\/p>\n

Boots in hand, Adam opened his door to the silence of the great house and pondered going to Hoss\u2019 room. No, that was Joe\u2019s haven and he didn\u2019t have the right to intrude. Not anymore.<\/p>\n

 <\/p>\n

Running his hand down the staircase rail, he stopped on the landing, fingering the Indian blanket that had been in various positions on the stair since they\u2019d built the house. A gift from Chief Winnemucca1\u00a0 <\/sup><\/strong>it stayed displayed for all to see, showing the Cartwright\u2019s friendship with the Paiutes. It\u2019d caused a stir when they\u2019d first placed it there and the story had been told to the gathered, Virginia City\u2019s elite. A few left in disgust never to return, but the blanket remained.<\/p>\n

 <\/p>\n

The house was so quiet, the fireplace still dark. Joe, who usually filled the room with laughter and movement, was nowhere to be seen. Hearing the clock strike 3:00 am, he understood the quiet. Any sane person was in bed.<\/p>\n

 <\/p>\n

Slumping into the blue velvet chair by the hearth, Adam rubbed his temples hoping the dark would still his raging memories. It didn\u2019t work and he sat back, eyes closed. I wonder where Hop Sing is? Perhaps he\u2019d repaired to San Francisco to be with his relatives during this time but Adam doubted it. The man loved this family like his own and they returned that emotion. I wonder where everyone else is? I\u2019ll ask Joe later.<\/p>\n

 <\/p>\n

Deciding a cup of coffee might settle him, he stood. It was then a sound came to him, a soft sound as if someone was singing. Straining to hear, he headed toward the front door. Perhaps it was Ben come home at last. The yard was empty. Where was it coming from? Shutting the door, he headed for the kitchen, eventually finding himself outside Hop Sing\u2019s door. He was<\/u><\/em> here. He hadn\u2019t left. Wearily, Adam leaned his head against the wood and knocked softly. The sound abruptly stopped.<\/p>\n

 <\/p>\n

\u201cHop Sing,\u201d he called gently, laying his hand upon the door. \u201cIt\u2019s Adam.\u201d A sharp intake of breath met his ears and then the door sprang open and he stood face-to-face with a man he\u2019d known forever, a man who knew him better than anyone else.<\/p>\n

 <\/p>\n

\u201cMr. Adam home,\u201d Hop Sing whispered, tears rolling down his face.<\/p>\n

 <\/p>\n

\u201cMr. Adam home,\u201d he answered, the little man flinging himself into Adam\u2019s arms. They clung to each other. Only despair filled them now and neither knew how long it would take up residence. They didn\u2019t care. At that moment each had the other. Now all they needed was Ben.<\/p>\n

 <\/p>\n

***********<\/p>\n

\u00a0<\/strong><\/p>\n

\u00a0<\/strong><\/p>\n

\u201cHoss, stop pulling on that calf\u2019s tail,\u201d Adam admonished his younger brother. \u201cWould <\/em>you<\/u> like it if you had a tail?\u201d\u00a0 <\/em><\/p>\n

\u00a0<\/em><\/p>\n

Hoss began turning around and feeling his backside, a puzzled look on his face. \u201cI ain\u2019t got a tail,\u201d he seriously answered.\u00a0 <\/em><\/p>\n

\u00a0<\/em><\/p>\n

Stifling a laugh, Adam tried to keep his face stern. \u201cI haven\u2019t<\/u> got a tail,\u201d he corrected.<\/em><\/p>\n

\u00a0<\/em><\/p>\n

\u201cMe neither.\u201d\u00a0 <\/em><\/p>\n

\u00a0<\/em><\/p>\n

Laughing out loud, Adam turned away. Hoss loved it when his brother laughed, for there was far too little of it.<\/em><\/p>\n

\u00a0<\/em><\/p>\n

\u201cYou\u2019re too much, little brother,\u201d Adam finally said. He ruffled Hoss\u2019 hair and pushed him towards the barn. \u201cWe\u2019ve got chores.\u201d Hoss giggled as he raced ahead of his big brother.<\/em><\/p>\n

 <\/p>\n

 <\/p>\n

Adam\u2019s head jerked up at the startled shout coming from the door and the next thing he knew someone encircled him with their arms and pulled him to his feet.<\/p>\n

 <\/p>\n

\u201cAdam Cartwright, as I live and breathe!\u201d<\/p>\n

 <\/p>\n

\u201cEasy, Paul, I might break,\u201d he quipped, patting the good doctor on the back.<\/p>\n

 <\/p>\n

Paul Martin slowly let him go, then straightened out Adam\u2019s jacket, his smile stretching ear-to-ear, continuing to touch him to make sure his old friend was really standing before him<\/p>\n

 <\/p>\n

\u201cI like the beard,\u201d Paul finally said. \u201cIt makes you look . . . distinguished.\u201d<\/p>\n

 <\/p>\n

Adam smirked. \u201cYou mean old?\u201d<\/p>\n

 <\/p>\n

\u201cI mean distinguished, like you\u2019re a man of the world.\u201d<\/p>\n

 <\/p>\n

Adam gave him a look. \u201cI get grayer each year.\u201d<\/p>\n

 <\/p>\n

Paul ran a hand through his own gray hair. \u201cNo kidding,\u201d he answered with a slight laugh, his joy over seeing his old friend tempered by the sight of dark circles under his eyes and a pale complexion.<\/p>\n

 <\/p>\n

Adam flinched under the scrutinizing gaze and turned his attention to the waiting room. \u201cSo, you finally married that gal?\u201d he began. \u201cI can tell by the homey touches.\u201d<\/p>\n

 <\/p>\n

\u201cLike those, do you?\u201d Paul commented, watching Adam avoid his gaze as he moved about the room.<\/p>\n

 <\/p>\n

\u201cHow long\u2019s it been?\u201d<\/p>\n

 <\/p>\n

\u201cGoing on five years now. Didn\u2019t Ben tell you?\u201d<\/p>\n

 <\/p>\n

Adam stopped and turned back, giving him a sheepish smile. \u201cSorry, Paul, I\u2019m sure he did.\u201d<\/p>\n

 <\/p>\n

\u201cNo matter,\u201d he said waving him off. \u201cI didn\u2019t get up the nerve \u2018til about two years after you left.\u201d<\/p>\n

 <\/p>\n

\u201cAnd she stuck around?\u201d<\/p>\n

 <\/p>\n

\u201cSeems she loves me.\u201d<\/p>\n

 <\/p>\n

Adam smiled. \u201cYou are<\/u><\/em> a loveable old coot. She made a fine choice.\u201d<\/p>\n

 <\/p>\n

\u201cWell, it was all your doing.\u201d<\/p>\n

 <\/p>\n

\u201cA well placed word here and there,\u201d Adam said with a shrug.<\/p>\n

 <\/p>\n

\u201c\u2019Marry her!\u2019 you yelled at me. I, of course, didn\u2019t put much stock into that particular outburst since you\u2019d been shot, had a fever and a concussion at the time.\u201d<\/p>\n

 <\/p>\n

Adam chuckled remembering that day like it was yesterday.<\/p>\n

 <\/p>\n

\u201cIt wasn\u2019t until you repeated it to me after<\/u><\/em> you recovered that I gave it a thought or two or three. But I asked and she said yes and, after I picked myself up off the floor, she kissed me. End of bachelorhood for me. You should try it sometime,\u201d the doctor said with a wink.<\/p>\n

 <\/p>\n

\u201cOne of these days.\u201d<\/p>\n

 <\/p>\n

\u201cYeah, I\u2019ve been hearing that for I don\u2019t know how long.\u201d<\/p>\n

 <\/p>\n

Adam grinned but Paul noticed the emotion didn\u2019t reach his eyes. He cleared his throat. \u201cAdam, I\u2019m so sorry about Hoss.\u201d The grin slowly faded.<\/p>\n

 <\/p>\n

\u201cI\u2019m just sorry I wasn\u2019t here,\u201d Adam answered quietly. \u201cMaybe if I\u2019d been here…\u201d He let the thought trail off and took a deep breath, coughing a bit and looking at Paul. \u201cHave you seen, Pa?\u201d<\/p>\n

 <\/p>\n

\u201cHe\u2019s still not home?\u201d Adam shook his head. Paul sighed. \u201cThe last time I saw him was at the funeral. I had to sedate him. Joe was beside himself and Jaime and Candy were doing their best to keep everything together. The next time I rode out to check on him, he was gone. That has to be more than a week ago. I know Joe\u2019s been searching for him. It\u2019s like he\u2019s disappeared.\u201d<\/p>\n

 <\/p>\n

\u201cDisappearing sounds real good to me right now,\u201d Adam admitted with a sigh. \u201cActually, amnesia might be better. Think you can help me with that?\u201d<\/p>\n

 <\/p>\n

Paul looked at his friend, noticing Adam\u2019s attempt at humor was hollow at best. Hoss had been the heart and soul of them and now that was gone. What would they do now?<\/p>\n

 <\/p>\n

\u201cAside from cracking you upside the head, I\u2019ve no other options open to me at the moment.\u201d<\/p>\n

 <\/p>\n

\u201cI had to ask,\u201d Adam said as he rubbed his temple.<\/p>\n

 <\/p>\n

\u201cAre you all right, Adam?\u201d<\/p>\n

 <\/p>\n

\u201cI\u2019m just tired,\u201d he said a bit too quickly, suddenly sitting down on the couch and holding his head.<\/p>\n

 <\/p>\n

Paul sat down next to him, placing a hand on his friend\u2019s shoulder. \u201cYou look like crap, Adam. Anybody told you that lately?\u201d<\/p>\n

 <\/p>\n

He turned to Paul with a raised brow. \u201cIs that your professional opinion?\u201d<\/p>\n

 <\/p>\n

\u201cI do have the word doctor before my name, so it must be.\u201d<\/p>\n

 <\/p>\n

Adam smiled then and rubbed the back of his neck. \u201cQuite a few actually have made that remark.\u201d<\/p>\n

 <\/p>\n

\u201cWell, now that you\u2019re back in my town,\u201d Paul began, \u201cI only have one thing to say to you.\u201d Adam pulled up his head and pursed his lips, knowing what was coming. \u201cWant to open up and tell me what\u2019s wrong or shall I pry the information from you with my new torture instruments just arrived from New England?\u201d<\/p>\n

 <\/p>\n

\u201cDo I have a choice?\u201d Adam asked.<\/p>\n

 <\/p>\n

\u201cNone.\u201d A small smile touched his lips.<\/p>\n

 <\/p>\n

\u201cDo your worst, Doctor,\u201d was his response, letting Paul help him to his feet.<\/p>\n

 <\/p>\n

\u201cDon\u2019t I always?\u201d<\/p>\n

 <\/p>\n

**********<\/p>\n

\u00a0<\/em><\/p>\n

\u00a0\u201cWhat \u2018cha doin\u2019 up here, Adam?\u201d Hoss asked, peering over the top of the ladder leading to the hayloft, barely able to see his big brother tucked into the farthest corner.<\/em><\/p>\n

\u00a0<\/em><\/p>\n

\u201cNothing,\u201d came the quick answer. <\/em><\/p>\n

\u00a0<\/em><\/p>\n

\u201cOh . . . Ah, well, dinner\u2019s in a few minutes. Hop Sing\u2019s makin\u2019 pot roast.\u201d<\/em><\/p>\n

\u00a0<\/em><\/p>\n

\u201cI\u2019ll be in shortly. You go get cleaned up.\u201d\u00a0 <\/em><\/p>\n

\u00a0<\/em><\/p>\n

Hoss nodded and took a step down then came back up. His brother hadn\u2019t moved. \u201cAdam?\u201d<\/em><\/p>\n

\u00a0<\/em><\/p>\n

\u201cYes, Hoss?\u201d he answered quietly.<\/em><\/p>\n

\u00a0<\/em><\/p>\n

\u201cWhy\u2019d Pa leave?\u201d Hoss asked, swallowing hard. \u201cHe ain\u2019t mad at us is he?\u201d\u00a0 <\/em><\/p>\n

\u00a0<\/em><\/p>\n

Adam turned to him then, Hoss seeing tears streaking his face. \u201cNo, Hoss, he isn\u2019t mad at us.\u201d<\/em><\/p>\n

\u00a0<\/em><\/p>\n

\u201cThen why\u2019d he leave?\u201d<\/em><\/p>\n

\u00a0<\/em><\/p>\n

\u201cHe\u2019s sad, Hoss.\u201d<\/em><\/p>\n

\u00a0<\/em><\/p>\n

\u201cMe, too, but I ain\u2019t leavin\u2019.\u201d\u00a0 <\/em><\/p>\n

\u00a0<\/em><\/p>\n

Adam crawled over toward his younger brother and put his hands over Hoss\u2019. \u201cHe can\u2019t stay here right now. Everything reminds him of Mama. The rose bush, the curtains . . .\u201d<\/em><\/p>\n

\u00a0<\/em><\/p>\n

\u201cJoe?\u201d\u00a0 <\/em><\/p>\n

\u00a0<\/em><\/p>\n

Adam nodded. \u201cJoe.\u201d<\/em><\/p>\n

\u00a0<\/em><\/p>\n

\u201cBut Joe needs him. We all need him.\u201d <\/em><\/p>\n

\u00a0<\/em><\/p>\n

\u201cHe\u2019ll be back. He just needs time.\u201d<\/em><\/p>\n

\u00a0<\/em><\/p>\n

\u201cI<\/u> need him,\u201d Hoss answered lowering his head. <\/em><\/p>\n

\u00a0<\/em><\/p>\n

\u00a0Adam sighed. He needed him, too. \u201cSometimes people just have to sort things out.\u201d<\/em><\/p>\n

\u00a0<\/em><\/p>\n

\u201cBut it\u2019ll be dark soon and it\u2019s gettin\u2019 cold.\u201d\u00a0 <\/em><\/p>\n

\u00a0<\/em><\/p>\n

Adam smiled then, a small knowing smile. \u201cSometimes the dark lets you see things more clearly.\u201d<\/em><\/p>\n

\u00a0<\/em><\/p>\n

\u201cHuh?\u201d\u00a0 <\/em><\/p>\n

\u00a0<\/em><\/p>\n

Adam smiled again and let Hoss go. \u201cDo you remember when Chowder died?\u201d<\/em><\/p>\n

\u00a0<\/em><\/p>\n

\u201cA course,\u201d Hoss answered sadly. \u201cThat was an awful day.\u201d <\/em><\/p>\n

\u00a0<\/em><\/p>\n

\u201cAnd you ran away and Pa and I found you on that bluff overlooking Lake Somerset staring at the stars?\u201d Hoss nodded. \u201cWhat were you looking for up there, staring at the stars?\u201d\u00a0 <\/em><\/p>\n

\u00a0<\/em><\/p>\n

Hoss thought on it a moment. \u201cIt just seemed like the place ta go, ta be alone and think.\u201d<\/em><\/p>\n

\u00a0<\/em><\/p>\n

\u201cAnd did you learn anything?\u201d\u00a0 <\/em><\/p>\n

\u00a0<\/em><\/p>\n

Hoss thought on it. \u201cI learned . . . I learned that life ain\u2019t fair and sittin\u2019 out in the cold don\u2019t change nothin\u2019. The next day came just like the one before and there was nothin\u2019 I could do about it. So\u2019s I might as well just move on.\u201d<\/em><\/p>\n

\u00a0<\/em><\/p>\n

\u201cAnd that\u2019s what Pa\u2019s doing. Looking at the stars, trying to figure it all out.\u201d He patted Hoss\u2019 arm. \u201cHe\u2019s not mad at us. He\u2019s mad at fate, at God for taking Mama, and I can\u2019t say that I blame him. He\u2019ll be home when he figures things out.\u201d<\/em><\/p>\n

\u00a0<\/em><\/p>\n

\u201cI hope it\u2019s soon. I don\u2019t like him not bein\u2019 here.\u201d<\/em><\/p>\n

\u00a0<\/em><\/p>\n

\u201cMe either, buddy. Me either.\u201d<\/em><\/p>\n

\u00a0<\/em><\/p>\n

**********<\/p>\n

 <\/p>\n

 <\/p>\n

Adam hummed softly to Chubb as he rubbed him down making his coat shine like no other. Offering him an apple, he grinned upon hearing Sport\u2019s disapproving snort over being ignored.<\/p>\n

 <\/p>\n

\u201cI\u2019ve got one for you, too,\u201d he said handing over the item and patting the chestnut on the neck. \u201cYou boys have to take care of ol\u2019 Chubb here,\u201d he said, his eyes taking in Cochise as well. \u201cHe misses his man.\u201d Me, too.<\/p>\n

 <\/p>\n

\u201cWhat are you doing out here?\u201d came Joe\u2019s voice from the barn door.<\/p>\n

 <\/p>\n

\u201cTalking to an old friend.\u201d<\/p>\n

 <\/p>\n

\u201cAnd you used to tease me<\/u><\/em> about that.\u201d\u00a0 Adam smiled. \u201cNo, really, what\u2019re you doing out here? It\u2019s 3:00 in the morning and it feels like it\u2019s gonna snow.\u201d<\/p>\n

 <\/p>\n

\u201cI couldn\u2019t sleep,\u201d he admitted.<\/p>\n

 <\/p>\n

\u201cThat dream again?\u201d<\/p>\n

 <\/p>\n

Adam nodded. It should\u2019ve gone away. Joe was safe, Hoss was . . . Hoss was elsewhere and his father had abandoned them. No, that wasn\u2019t right. Ben would come home when he could.<\/p>\n

 <\/p>\n

\u201cDid you talk with Doc Martin? He have anything to say?\u201d<\/p>\n

 <\/p>\n

\u201cOnly that I looked like crap,\u201d he answered, running his hand over Chubb\u2019s muzzle.<\/p>\n

 <\/p>\n

\u201cWell, you do,\u201d Joe quipped, rubbing his arms to try and give them a bit of warmth.<\/p>\n

 <\/p>\n

\u201cGee, thanks.\u201d<\/p>\n

 <\/p>\n

\u201cI call \u2018em as I see \u2018em.\u201d<\/p>\n

 <\/p>\n

Adam turned then and fixed his brother with a look. \u201cYeah, you do, don\u2019t you. And you\u2019re usually right.\u201d<\/p>\n

 <\/p>\n

Shocked, Joe\u2019s mouth fell open. \u201cDid I just hear you tell me I was right about something?\u201d<\/p>\n

 <\/p>\n

Chuckling, Adam patted Chubb on the neck and placed the currycomb back on the wall. \u201cQuite often, even when you were younger.\u201d<\/p>\n

 <\/p>\n

\u201cWill wonders never cease.\u201d Adam shook his head and grabbed Sport\u2019s reins, drawing Joe\u2019s attention. \u201cGoing somewhere?\u201d<\/p>\n

 <\/p>\n

\u201cI need to remind myself of the beauty of this place and since I can\u2019t sleep . . .\u201d\u00a0 He let his voice trail off as he checked the cinch, then led Sport out of the barn and hoisted himself slowly into the saddle.<\/p>\n

 <\/p>\n

\u201cIn case you didn\u2019t notice it\u2019s dark and cold out here.\u201d<\/p>\n

 <\/p>\n

Adam took in a breath of the chilled air, covering a small cough. \u201cThe better to see things, little brother.\u201d Adam looked down at Joe with sad eyes. \u201cThe better to see things.\u201d<\/p>\n

 <\/p>\n

He watched as Adam moved out of the yard and disappeared around the barn.<\/p>\n

 <\/p>\n

It dawned on Joe that he should probably go after him. Adam hadn\u2019t slept much in the days he\u2019d been home and, obviously, not much before and, as the doctor had so professionally put it, he looked like crap. A chill worked its way through him and he closed the barn doors, hurrying back inside the warm house. Adam needed time alone, and he could still get a few hours of restless sleep before morning came.<\/p>\n

 <\/p>\n

***********<\/p>\n

\u00a0<\/em><\/p>\n

\u00a0<\/em><\/p>\n

\u00a0\u201cYa didn\u2019t get very far,\u201d Hoss said from behind Adam. \u201cYer gonna miss yer stage.\u201d Adam didn\u2019t move and Hoss sat down next to him, both watching the ripples move across the lake from the rocks Adam tossed in.<\/em><\/p>\n

\u00a0<\/em><\/p>\n

\u201cHoss, how come . . .\u201d Adam began, chunking another rock into the lake. \u201cAren\u2019t you mad at me, too?\u201d<\/em><\/p>\n

\u00a0<\/em><\/p>\n

\u201cMad at ya? What for?\u201d he asked, tossing his own rocks into the water.<\/em><\/p>\n

\u00a0<\/em><\/p>\n

\u201cBecause I\u2019m leaving.\u201d<\/em><\/p>\n

\u00a0<\/em><\/p>\n

\u201cOh, shoot, why\u2019d I be mad at ya over that?\u201d<\/em><\/p>\n

\u00a0<\/em><\/p>\n

\u201cJoe seems to think . . .\u201d Hoss waved his hand to cut him off.<\/em><\/p>\n

\u00a0<\/em><\/p>\n

\u201cDon\u2019t go puttin\u2019 anythin\u2019 into what Joe says. Ya know how he is. He wants everythin\u2019 ta stay the same while ya always was lookin\u2019 for somethin\u2019 different.\u201d <\/em><\/p>\n

\u00a0<\/em><\/p>\n

Adam glanced at his brother. \u201cIs it wrong to want something different? To see the world?\u201d<\/em><\/p>\n

\u00a0<\/em><\/p>\n

\u201cNaw. It makes ya who ya are, big brother.\u201d<\/em><\/p>\n

\u00a0<\/em><\/p>\n

\u201cBut, Pa . . .\u201d<\/em><\/p>\n

\u00a0<\/em><\/p>\n

\u201cAh, he wants ya ta go and he wants ya ta stay. Poor man\u2019s beside hisself \u2018cause he knows it\u2019s what ya want and he don\u2019t want ta stand in yer way.\u201d More rocks rippled the lake.<\/em><\/p>\n

\u00a0<\/em><\/p>\n

\u201cAnd you?\u201d<\/em><\/p>\n

\u00a0<\/em><\/p>\n

\u201cMe? Well, a course, I don\u2019t want ya ta leave. Ya\u2019ve been there my whole life, and I cain\u2019t see gettin\u2019 up each mornin\u2019 without seeing that purty face of yours. But I know it\u2019s what ya need and I ain\u2019t gonna stop ya. \u2018Sides, who would I write too about Joe?\u201d\u00a0 <\/em><\/p>\n

\u00a0<\/em><\/p>\n

Adam smiled knowing that Hoss would be doing a lot of writing. <\/em><\/p>\n

\u00a0<\/em><\/p>\n

\u00a0\u201cBut the most important part is I want ya ta be happy. That\u2019s all I ever want for anybody. And here\u2019s the question ya should ask yerself \u2013 is this what ya want?\u201d<\/em><\/p>\n

\u00a0<\/em><\/p>\n

\u201cYes,\u201d Adam answered without hesitation and Hoss nodded.<\/em><\/p>\n

\u00a0<\/em><\/p>\n

\u201cThen give it yer all, Adam, like I know ya will, and conquer the world. When yer through, come on home and we\u2019ll be waitin\u2019. A little older and a little bent, but we\u2019ll be here.\u201d Silence dropped around them and more rocks fell.<\/em><\/p>\n

\u00a0<\/em><\/p>\n

\u201cWill you make sure Sport gets those special oats he likes?\u201d<\/em><\/p>\n

\u00a0<\/em><\/p>\n

\u201cA course.\u201d<\/em><\/p>\n

\u00a0<\/em><\/p>\n

\u201cAnd a good patch of grass to run through to work off his excess energy?\u201d<\/em><\/p>\n

\u00a0<\/em><\/p>\n

\u201cI\u2019ll treat him like he\u2019s mine.\u201d\u00a0 <\/em><\/p>\n

\u00a0<\/em><\/p>\n

Adam smiled. \u201cChubb\u2019ll get jealous.\u201d<\/em><\/p>\n

\u00a0<\/em><\/p>\n

\u201cNaw, he\u2019s an easy-goin\u2019 fella like me.\u201d\u00a0 <\/em><\/p>\n

\u00a0<\/em><\/p>\n

Adam nodded and reluctantly rose, dusting off his pants as Hoss stood with him. They both looked out over the sparkling blue water.<\/em><\/p>\n

\u00a0<\/em><\/p>\n

\u201cHome is always the place you run from and are glad that it\u2019s there when you decide to run back,\u201d Adam stated.<\/em><\/p>\n

\u00a0<\/em><\/p>\n

\u201cThat\u2019s true,\u201d Hoss said with a smile putting an arm about Adam\u2019s shoulder. \u201cJust remember that we\u2019re destined ta be together no matter what, whether it\u2019s here or elsewhere, and don\u2019t ya forget it.\u201d<\/em><\/p>\n

\u00a0<\/em><\/p>\n

\u201cFamily \u2018til the end?\u201d <\/em><\/p>\n

\u00a0<\/em><\/p>\n

\u201c\u2019Til the end of time, brother. The end of time.\u201d<\/em><\/p>\n

 <\/p>\n

**********<\/p>\n

 <\/p>\n

\u201cThe end of time,\u201d Adam mumbled as he placed a rock on top of his brother\u2019s stone, kneeling down and tucking a folded piece of paper at the base under the fresh flowers. He\u2019d put this off long enough. It was time to face up to his fear and let the truth take over.<\/p>\n

 <\/p>\n

Closing his eyes, he ran a hand along the inscription touching each letter with the tips of his fingers, feeling the depth of each carving, noting Hoss was much more than this epitaph and he felt sorry for those that would never know that. Forcing himself to stop putting it off, he opened his eyes, urging himself to speak the words aloud.<\/p>\n

 <\/p>\n

\u201c\u2019Eric \u2018Hoss\u2019 Cartwright, 1836 \u2013 1873, Loving son and brother to Ben, Adam and Joe. Friend to all who passed his way. God speed, my gentle boy.\u2019\u201d A sob broke from him and he looked away, moving quickly and unsteadily to his feet to stand with his back to the stone.<\/p>\n

 <\/p>\n

His world had tumbled into a chaotic mess and his logical mind had followed, buried somewhere amid mounds of grief and anguish and guilt. He saw no out, no direction and he so wanted to just ride away and never look back.<\/p>\n

 <\/p>\n

\u201cAh, Pa, where are you?\u201d His voice cracked and his hands turned into fists. Taking a deep breath, he turned back toward the stone. He was here to tell Hoss of the world and his journey in it, to share with him all that he\u2019d seen and heard. He was too late to see the joy on his brother\u2019s face but it wasn\u2019t too late to regale him with stories and people and love. He was strong enough to do that.<\/p>\n

 <\/p>\n

Adam opened his mouth to begin when something moved in the trees above. Startled, he flung his head up and stepped back, hand falling instinctively to his gun, the world shifted and the ground gave beneath his feet.<\/p>\n

 <\/p>\n

Flailing his arms to regain some balance only made it worse and he soon found himself sliding down the bluff into the dark below. Grasping at the dirt, his hand found and wrapped about an old root stopping his momentum with a sudden jolt, his head striking the hard earth. Feet dangling over open space he could hear rocks pinging off the ground below, ending their dashing flight into the cold waters of the lake. Peering down, all he could see was darkness and it suddenly hit him. This was an all too familiar place. He\u2019d been here many times before\u2026every time he closed his eyes.<\/p>\n

 <\/p>\n

\u201cIt\u2019s me,\u201d he whispered. Not Joe, not Hoss, but me. True to the dream, he felt his fingers slipping and knew no one was there to save him. His life would end here, in the dark, at the foot of his brother\u2019s grave. How fitting. Come home and fall off a cliff. Ah, the luck.<\/p>\n

 <\/p>\n

\u201cAre ya gonna grab my hand or not?\u201d came an all too familiar voice from above and his head shot up, his mouth falling open in surprise as his eyes fell on a face he knew he\u2019d only see in memory. \u201cClose yer yap and grab my hand \u2018cause it\u2019s a long way down, brother, and the lake is mighty cold this time of year.\u201d<\/p>\n

 <\/p>\n

\u201cHow can you be here?\u201d Adam asked, stunned into inaction.<\/p>\n

 <\/p>\n

\u201cDoes it matter?\u201d<\/p>\n

 <\/p>\n

Not really.<\/p>\n

 <\/p>\n

Deciding he\u2019d obviously fallen to his death and this was some kind of entry exam into heaven, Adam gritted his teeth and put all of his remaining strength into one last grab, flinging his free hand towards this lifeline real or imagined. A warm welcoming grasp met his and he was lifted back to solid ground to lie breathless across his brother\u2019s grave, eyes firmly shut not daring to open them.<\/p>\n

 <\/p>\n

\u201cAre ya gonna lie there all night or sit up and talk ta me?\u201d Desperate for this to be real, Adam opened his eyes and stared in wonder at Hoss Cartwright, big as life, leaning against his own gravestone, that big smile just for him. Adam threw himself at his brother, wrapping his arms about him, relishing the feel of him beneath his hands. Sobs tore through him and a soft \u2018easy boy, I\u2019m here\u2019 met his ears. Thank you, God, for this chance.<\/p>\n

 <\/p>\n

\u201cI\u2019m sorry I wasn\u2019t here, Hoss,\u201d Adam said through his tears, still clutching his brother close to him. \u201cI\u2019m so sorry.\u201d<\/p>\n

 <\/p>\n

\u201cWeren\u2019t of made no difference.\u201d<\/p>\n

 <\/p>\n

\u201cIf I\u2019d been there . . .\u201d<\/p>\n

 <\/p>\n

\u201cThe same thing woulda happened and that<\/u><\/em> ya gotta believe, Adam. I know how ya are – takin\u2019 on guilt when there ain\u2019t no need. Weren\u2019t no one\u2019s fault \u2018ceptin\u2019 my own and I\u2019m downright sorry about it, too.\u201d<\/p>\n

 <\/p>\n

\u201cBut I might\u2019ve . . .\u201d<\/p>\n

 <\/p>\n

Hoss pulled Adam from him and stared into his red-rimmed eyes. \u201cNow listen here, older brother,\u201d he began, giving him a little shake, \u201cI slipped and cracked my head. Coulda happened ta anyone and does happen ta anyone on a regular basis. No one\u2019s ta blame. No one\u2019s at fault. It was just a silly thing that happened. I know Joe\u2019s all tore up about it, too, but weren\u2019t nothin\u2019 he could do neither.\u201d<\/p>\n

 <\/p>\n

\u201cHow do you know?\u201d Adam asked. \u201cHow do you know for sure that with both of us there it might have been different?\u201d<\/p>\n

 <\/p>\n

\u201c\u2019Cause I do. And ya just have ta believe me.\u201d<\/p>\n

 <\/p>\n

\u201cHoss . . .\u201d<\/p>\n

 <\/p>\n

\u201cYa believed I\u2019d come save ya in that mine, didn\u2019t ya?2<\/sup><\/strong>\u201d<\/p>\n

 <\/p>\n

\u201cYes, but . . .\u201d<\/p>\n

 <\/p>\n

\u201cNo buts. Ya believed and I came. Believe me now, Adam, when I say it weren\u2019t of made no difference. It was my time.\u201d He pulled Adam back to him. \u201cOh, don\u2019t get me wrong. I was sad at first about leavin\u2019 Joe and Chubb and you and Pa. Mostly for Pa, though. I knew he\u2019d take it the hardest but I\u2019ve kept my eye on him.\u201d<\/p>\n

 <\/p>\n

\u201cIs he all right?\u201d Adam asked anxious to hear, holding tightly to Hoss\u2019 arm. \u201cIs he coming home?\u201d<\/p>\n

 <\/p>\n

\u201cHe\u2019ll be along shortly,\u201d Hoss answered with a knowing smile.<\/p>\n

 <\/p>\n

\u201cThere are so many things I want to say to you. So many thank you\u2019s and apologies\u00a0 . . .\u201d<\/p>\n

 <\/p>\n

\u201c. . . and I know \u2018em all, brother,\u201d he interrupted. \u201cPart a bein\u2019 up there means I can listen in. And listenin\u2019 in tells me a lot like ya need ta be home, Adam.\u201d<\/p>\n

 <\/p>\n

\u201cWhat?\u201d he asked, pulling away from Hoss. Does he mean Boston?<\/p>\n

 <\/p>\n

\u201cHome here, on the Ponderosa,\u201d he answered for him. \u201cBoston\u2019s fine but yer not happy there.\u201d<\/p>\n

 <\/p>\n

How does he know when I\u2019m not even sure?<\/p>\n

 <\/p>\n

\u201cSell the business ta Aaron, sell the house, say goodbye ta all yer lady friends,\u201d he said with a wink, \u201cand come on home. Whether ya know it or not, this is where ya belong.\u201d<\/p>\n

 <\/p>\n

Adam looked toward the ground. \u201cIt\u2019s been seven years, Hoss. That\u2019s a long time away to just come home.\u201d<\/p>\n

 <\/p>\n

\u201cDon\u2019t matter if\u2019n it\u2019d been a hundred years, son. Stop wonderin\u2019 if you\u2019d be welcome. Yer a Cartwright and the Ponderosa is yer home. Ya\u2019ve already seen that yer room\u2019s the same. That should tell ya somethin\u2019.\u201d That had surprised him, what with Jamie being a part of the family now. \u201cAin\u2019t nothin\u2019 much changed \u2018round here,\u201d Hoss continued looking out over the lake. \u201cA few more modern conveniences maybe, but people\u2019s the same, fightin\u2019 fer what ya believe\u2019s the same, living on the land ya helped build the same.\u201d He turned back to his brother. \u201cI can see the yearnin\u2019, Adam. I can see it plain on yer face. Ya don\u2019t hide nothin\u2019 from me. Never could.\u201d<\/p>\n

 <\/p>\n

\u201cThat\u2019s for sure.\u201d<\/p>\n

 <\/p>\n

\u201cThen come home. Be with us as it was meant ta be.\u201d<\/p>\n

 <\/p>\n

Adam so wanted to come home, to pick up where he\u2019d left off, to once again be a part of a family. He shook his head. \u201cBut you\u2019re gone and Pa . . .\u201d<\/p>\n

 <\/p>\n

\u201cThis may be where I sleep, Adam, but I\u2019m always here,\u201d Hoss said, tapping his brother on the head.<\/p>\n

 <\/p>\n

\u201cIt\u2019s not the same,\u201d he admitted. \u201cI won\u2019t have you to save me when I lose my way.\u201d<\/p>\n

 <\/p>\n

\u201cThere\u2019s always someone who\u2019ll point ya in the right direction, big brother, whether ya want \u2018em too or not, and ya know it deep inside. Ya\u2019ve already spent the days ya been here rememberin\u2019 what it was like when we was growin\u2019 up. Home is where ya need ta be, Adam, now more than ever.\u201d<\/p>\n

 <\/p>\n

Adam gazed at his brother. He may be more educated than Hoss, know more things about the world, but this man . . . this man was wiser than all of them. He knew people. He may not always understand what they did or why, but invariably he always knew how<\/u><\/em> they were – how they could be in the bigger scheme of things. He was a treasure lost to all now.<\/p>\n

 <\/p>\n

\u201cI\u2019m afraid,\u201d he admitted with a slight laugh, staring into those deep blue eyes, wondering for a moment where his ten-gallon hat was. \u201cImagine that. I ran out of here seven years ago and been too scared to come back. Now, you\u2019re gone and other people have taken my place. Do I really belong anymore? Belong here?\u201d<\/p>\n

 <\/p>\n

\u201cAsking that just proves ta me ya already know the answer.\u201d<\/p>\n

 <\/p>\n

\u201cBut it\u2019s been so long . . .\u201d<\/p>\n

 <\/p>\n

\u201cAdam,\u201d Hoss began holding onto his shoulder, \u201cyer my brother and Little Joe\u2019s and we love ya, simple as that. Tryin\u2019 as ya are sometimes, we love ya, and Pa . . . well, Pa just wants his whole family back together. As to Jamie, he\u2019s a fine choice fer a brother. Reminds me of Joe when he was little.\u201d<\/p>\n

 <\/p>\n

\u201cAlways in trouble?\u201d he asked with a smile.<\/p>\n

 <\/p>\n

\u201cThat\u2019s what little brothers do. A course with ya being such an old fart now, havin\u2019 a youngin\u2019 about the house may just be too much for ya.\u201d Adam snorted, having wondered the same thing himself, and Hoss smiled. \u201cNo more excuses, brother. Yer heart is here whether ya know it or not.\u201d<\/p>\n

 <\/p>\n

Adam closed his eyes and sighed wondering if Ben would think the same thing. Would he accept his oldest coming home after a self imposed absence or turn him away? Hoss wouldn\u2019t be there to smooth out the edges.<\/p>\n

 <\/p>\n

God, he was so dreadfully tired and just wanted to sleep one night through without nightmares and worries and guilt. Is that too much to ask? Opening his eyes, he looked again into his brother\u2019s smiling face. \u201cI miss you more than you\u2019ll ever know. I love you, Hoss,\u201d he said with great sincerity.<\/p>\n

Hoss\u2019 smile grew wider. \u201cWhat\u2019s not ta love,\u201d he answered holding out his arms. Adam leaned into his brother\u2019s embrace again and held tightly to his arm. \u201cI\u2019ll always be here, Adam. Just call and I\u2019ll come a runnin\u2019.\u201d<\/p>\n

 <\/p>\n

\u201cBrothers \u2018til the end?\u201d Adam whispered, feeling himself drifting away in Hoss arms.<\/p>\n

 <\/p>\n

Hoss ran his hand up and down Adam\u2019s back. \u201c\u2019Til the end of time, brother. The end of time.\u201d<\/p>\n

 <\/p>\n

***********<\/strong><\/p>\n

\u00a0<\/strong><\/p>\n

A soft rustling of leaves overhead filtered into Adam\u2019s head and he opened his eyes to the first rays of daylight falling over the area and glancing off the lake. He flexed his hand, still feeling fabric beneath his fingers and smiled. Hoss was still here. A cool breeze blew the surrounding grasses, making him shiver, and he turned to look up into his brother\u2019s face. He blinked when he realized it wasn\u2019t Hoss who held him.<\/p>\n

 <\/p>\n

The grizzled visage of a man who\u2019d been out and about sat above him, thinner and disheveled but still familiar, with clothes dirty and dusty and a nice beard and mustache to top it off. It gave him a distinguished look, what with his silver hair longer than normal and the stern set to his jaw. He looked like a politician. Adam chuckled at the thought, which turned into an extended cough and he felt the hands encircling him hold on tighter.<\/p>\n

 <\/p>\n

\u201cEasy, son. I\u2019ve got you.\u201d<\/p>\n

 <\/p>\n

That voice, that deep resonant voice that could both sooth you and curse you in the space of a sentence filled him. How he\u2019d missed it so.<\/p>\n

 <\/p>\n

\u201cI\u2019ve got you.\u201d Holding him there on the ground, Ben had him.<\/p>\n

 <\/p>\n

\u201cWhere did you . . .\u201d Adam managed between coughs.<\/p>\n

 <\/p>\n

\u201cI startled you,\u201d Ben answered, rubbing his hand up and down Adam\u2019s back. \u201cYou fell over the side and I pulled you up.\u201d<\/p>\n

 <\/p>\n

That\u2019d been Hoss! Rubbing his gritty eyes, Adam could feel for himself how hot he was but he knew he hadn\u2019t been dreaming.<\/p>\n

 <\/p>\n

\u201cI knew there was something wrong when you kept calling me . . . Hoss,\u201d Ben said, his voice halting slightly over the name. \u201cI tried to get you up on Sport but that blasted animal just wouldn\u2019t stand still, so I opted for a night out with two of my sons.\u201d<\/p>\n

 <\/p>\n

This can\u2019t be right. I had a conversation with my brother, not my father. How could . . .\u00a0 It was Hoss, for the words spoken were different then how Ben would\u2019ve phrased them. Hoss came when he needed him most, reminding him of where he should be. That<\/u><\/em> he would always believe.<\/p>\n

 <\/p>\n

Ben shifted, catching Adam\u2019s attention, his soft deep voice following. \u201c\u2019A flame diminished carries not the light it once held but only the memory of the golden moments of wonder and the brightness that was made of you. Never will I forget nor put aside the thought of you for in my heart the flame rekindles and the wondrous light grows within to help me find my way.\u2019\u201d Ben\u2019s hand fell to his lap, holding the paper Adam laid by Hoss\u2019 grave, and a tear rolled down his cheek. \u201cAs long as we remember him, his light won\u2019t go out,\u201d he softly said. Adam couldn\u2019t say anything, the lump in his throat too large to speak, so he lay quietly in his father\u2019s arms.<\/p>\n

 <\/p>\n

\u201cCome home, son,\u201d Ben stated. Startled, Adam slowly pushed himself up. Ben holding him steady, gazing into those dark eyes so filled with guilt and sadness knowing that his own eyes reflected the same. \u201cCome home, Adam. We need you now more than ever. \u00adI<\/u> need you.\u201d<\/p>\n

 <\/p>\n

His heart soared at the prospect. \u201cHoss said . . .\u201d Adam quickly stopped himself seeing questions in his father\u2019s eyes.<\/p>\n

 <\/p>\n

\u201cSo he talks to you does he?\u201d Ben asked without recrimination.<\/p>\n

 <\/p>\n

Adam chewed on his lower lip. Should I tell him or keep it to myself?<\/p>\n

 <\/p>\n

Then Ben smiled. \u201cHe talks to me, too.\u201d Brows rising at the admission, Adam eyed his father and Ben saw the relief there.<\/p>\n

 <\/p>\n

\u201cI\u2019ve spoken often with him these last horrible days. We\u2019ve spoken of you and Joe and how this land, this Ponderosa, waits for all of you, all my sons.\u201d<\/p>\n

 <\/p>\n

\u201cBut there are others now,\u201d Adam began, \u201cothers who\u2019ve taken my place. I wouldn\u2019t want to intrude . . .\u201d<\/p>\n

 <\/p>\n

\u201cOh, stop it,\u201d Ben said. \u201cWe\u2019re both too tired and heartsick to pull that on each other.\u201d Adam lowered his gaze. \u201cI love you, Adam, and I want you here with us. Boston is too far away and what you have there, you can have here. Virginia City is growing by leaps and bounds and opportunity is here. But, mostly family is here.\u201d He fixed Adam with a steely gaze. \u201cI want you home, Adam. As a father to a son, I want you home.\u201d<\/p>\n

 <\/p>\n

Great joy filled him like he hadn\u2019t felt in years. He\u2019d lost a brother but gained a home and could finally start forgiving himself for leaving in the first place.<\/p>\n

 <\/p>\n

Sounds of horses riding at a quick gallop interrupted them and visions of black and white came to them through the trees. The troops had arrived.<\/p>\n

 <\/p>\n

\u201cI got worried, big brother,\u201d Joe began as he moved towards them, \u201cwhen you didn\u2019t come home.\u201d His eyes moved from Adam to Ben and he grabbed his father\u2019s outstretched hand, smiling sweetly at him. \u201cIt\u2019s good to see you, Pa,\u201d he softly said.<\/p>\n

 <\/p>\n

\u201cJoe.\u201d<\/p>\n

 <\/p>\n

\u201cAdam Cartwright! What in tarnation are you doing sitting on the cold hard ground this early in the morning?!\u201d Paul Martin yelled from behind Joe as he emerged through the trees. \u201cAre you trying to give me an ulcer?\u201d<\/p>\n

 <\/p>\n

\u201cBrought you a visitor,\u201d Joe whispered to Adam. \u201cCareful. He\u2019s mighty cranky this morning.\u201d<\/p>\n

 <\/p>\n

\u201cI distinctly remember telling you yesterday to go home and go to bed for at least two weeks and let Hop Sing take care of you before you keel over. This doesn\u2019t look like bed to me.\u201d Hands on his hips, the doctor was the picture of indignation and it struck Ben funny.<\/p>\n

 <\/p>\n

Paul gave him a hard look when he heard the soft chuckle. \u201cAnd what\u2019s so funny, Mr<\/u><\/em>. Cartwright? I seem to recall giving you the same prescription.\u201d<\/p>\n

 <\/p>\n

\u201cYou\u2019re right, Paul,\u201d Ben began, his laughter bubbling up. \u201cI\u2019m sorry,\u201d was all he could get out as Adam joined in the giggle-fest, soon to be followed by Joe.<\/p>\n

 <\/p>\n

Paul, the lone silent figure of sanity looked to the heavens and held up his hands. \u201cThis<\/u><\/em> is what you leave me with, Hoss? It isn\u2019t funny.\u201d<\/p>\n

 <\/p>\n

\u201cYes, it is,\u201d floated on the morning breeze, causing the giggles to quiet, Joe shot Ben and Adam a look, each keeping their gaze from the other.<\/p>\n

 <\/p>\n

Clearing his throat, Paul continued his tirade, although a bit more subdued. \u201cAh, well, now I\u2019m going to count to three. If you\u2019re not up on that horse of yours, Adam, I\u2019m going to cold-cock you, strap you to him and take you home myself.\u201d<\/p>\n

 <\/p>\n

The sudden lightness of the situation opened a small crack in the despair that had so befallen the family and they all thought, perhaps there was<\/u><\/em> a light at the end of this particular tunnel. Joe helped Adam to his feet, Paul catching him when his first step faltered, immediately slapping a hand over his patient\u2019s forehead and shaking his head with disgust.<\/p>\n

 <\/p>\n

\u201cCome on, you mule-headed, foolhardy . . .\u201d Paul\u2019s voice faded out as he led Adam toward Sport, Joe reaching out again for his father\u2019s hand.<\/p>\n

 <\/p>\n

Slowing rising to his feet, Ben held onto Hoss\u2019 stone, wiping a stray leaf from the top. \u201cSleep well, son,\u201d he whispered then turned to watch Adam mount, Paul still shaking a finger at him.<\/p>\n

 <\/p>\n

\u201cIs he coming home?\u201d Joe asked watching the two of them.<\/p>\n

 <\/p>\n

\u201cYes,\u201d was all Ben said, Joe noting a smile in his voice?<\/p>\n

 <\/p>\n

\u201cGood. I may regret this later but I\u2019ve missed all the teasing and bullying. It\u2019ll be good to hear again.\u201d<\/p>\n

 <\/p>\n

\u201cGood things can still come from bad situations,\u201d Ben said watching his eldest ride away with Paul, who still railed at him as the two disappeared through the trees. \u201cEven after all these years I sometimes forget that.\u201d<\/p>\n

 <\/p>\n

Joe turned to Ben, hoping he knew the answer to his next question. \u201cYou ready to come home, Pa?\u201d Joe asked unsure whether Ben would be able to set foot inside the house again.<\/p>\n

 <\/p>\n

Ben wrapped his arm about Joe and smiled. \u201cWay past time.\u201d<\/p>\n

 <\/p>\n

The two mounted up, each turning to look at Hoss\u2019 stone one last time . . . for today. The bluff at Lake Somerset would become a meeting place in the years to follow and would always yield answers to the many questions brought there.<\/p>\n

 <\/p>\n

 <\/p>\n

EPILOGUE<\/u><\/p>\n

 <\/p>\n

February 1, 1875<\/em><\/p>\n

\u00a0<\/em><\/p>\n

Dear Pa and Joe,<\/em><\/p>\n

\u00a0<\/em><\/p>\n

This\u2019ll be my last letter to you since I\u2019ve finally finished the London job, and sold the house and my holdings to Aaron this week. I\u2019ll be hopping on a train come Friday and in two weeks I\u2019ll be home. Home. What a nice word that is. A place to run from and a place to run too when you need it.<\/em><\/p>\n

\u00a0<\/em><\/p>\n

Hoss was right. I\u2019ve been pining for home for many years and just didn\u2019t have the guts to admit it. It gets in your soul and doesn\u2019t ever really leave no matter how much you want it too. Fortunately, I\u2019m older and wiser and know how to listen to my big brother.<\/em><\/p>\n

\u00a0<\/em><\/p>\n

I was so glad to hear of Joe\u2019s recovery from his ordeal in the desert3<\/sup>. We all know how destructive an experience like that can be.4<\/sup>\u00a0 The Ponderosa will keep him sane.<\/em><\/p>\n

\u00a0<\/em><\/p>\n

Aaron offered me a job as a consultant and you\u2019ll never guess where \u2013 Virginia City. He wants to expand out west and, of course, I accepted. <\/em><\/p>\n

\u00a0<\/em><\/p>\n

Tell Sport to be ready for a walkabout. I plan on spending as much time as I can reacquainting myself with the land and my new family members, and tell Hop Sing I\u2019ve got a crate full of spices for him.<\/em><\/p>\n

\u00a0<\/em><\/p>\n

Please give a big thank you to Hoss for me. Tell him I\u2019ll see him soon and catch him up. Family\u2019s what\u2019s most important until the end of time.<\/em><\/p>\n

\u00a0<\/em><\/p>\n

Love to you both, Hop Sing and Jaime. See you soon!<\/em><\/p>\n

\u00a0<\/em><\/p>\n

Love, <\/em><\/p>\n

Adam<\/em><\/p>\n

 <\/p>\n

*****End******<\/p>\n

 <\/p>\n

1<\/sup><\/strong>I\u2019m guessing it might have been a gift from the Chief\u00a0 2<\/sup>The Philip Diedeschiemer Story\u00a0 3<\/sup>The Hunter\u00a0\u00a0 4<\/sup>The Crucible<\/strong><\/p>\n

\u00a0<\/em><\/p>\n

\u00a0<\/em><\/p>\n

[Author\u2019s Note:\u00a0 I\u2019m placing Hoss\u2019 death on or around November 1873. Joe married in 1874 (beginning of Season 14) then lost his wife 7-9 months later. The rest of Season 14 could have passed within 3-6 months. I\u2019m thinking it might have taken Adam about a 12 to 14 months to clear up what was on his desk and come home, especially if he had overseas work since we all know he wouldn\u2019t leave unfinished business for his partner, Aaron Butler, to clean up. So I would place him back at the Ponderosa a month or two after the last episode, The Hunter, which could be December 1874 or early 1875. If I\u2019ve screwed up on the years, please forgive me. Send me any information that may contradict my guesswork and I\u2019ll fix it. Thanks! <\/em>J<\/em>]<\/em><\/p>\n

 <\/p>\n

<\/div>\n

<\/g><\/svg><\/i> \"Loading\"<\/p>\n

<\/div>\n","protected":false},"excerpt":{"rendered":"

Summary:\u00a0 This story takes place between the end of Season 13 and the beginning of Season 14. Please forgive any errors in how the great room is set up. I\u2019m not a fan of the episodes after Adam left so I haven\u2019t seen them in years.<\/p>\n

Rating:\u00a0 K+ (11,440 words)<\/p>\n","protected":false},"author":125,"featured_media":39804,"comment_status":"open","ping_status":"closed","sticky":false,"template":"template-full-width-post.php","format":"standard","meta":{"jetpack_post_was_ever_published":false,"_jetpack_newsletter_access":"","_jetpack_dont_email_post_to_subs":false,"_jetpack_newsletter_tier_id":0,"_jetpack_memberships_contains_paywalled_content":false,"_jetpack_memberships_contains_paid_content":false,"footnotes":""},"categories":[23,1008,61,698],"tags":[],"class_list":["post-12681","post","type-post","status-publish","format-standard","has-post-thumbnail","hentry","category-drama","category-family","category-missing-scene","category-post-timeline","wpcat-23-id","wpcat-1008-id","wpcat-61-id","wpcat-698-id"],"a3_pvc":{"activated":true,"total_views":2491,"today_views":0},"jetpack_featured_media_url":"https:\/\/i0.wp.com\/bonanzabrand.info\/library\/wp-content\/uploads\/2022\/01\/fireplace.jpg?fit=382%2C316&ssl=1","jetpack_likes_enabled":true,"jetpack-related-posts":[{"id":5552,"url":"https:\/\/bonanzabrand.info\/library\/?p=5552","url_meta":{"origin":12681,"position":0},"title":"Gray (by gaerwn)","author":"gaerwn","date":"May 1, 2014","format":false,"excerpt":"Summary: \u00a0After the events in the episode\u00a0The Dark Gate, Adam reflects. 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