{"id":12927,"date":"2016-05-13T23:35:14","date_gmt":"2016-05-14T03:35:14","guid":{"rendered":"https:\/\/bonanzabrand.info\/library\/?p=12927"},"modified":"2025-02-18T19:10:18","modified_gmt":"2025-02-19T00:10:18","slug":"little-joe-cartwrights-very-very-very-bad-day","status":"publish","type":"post","link":"https:\/\/bonanzabrand.info\/library\/?p=12927","title":{"rendered":"Studio Executives #2 – Little Joe Cartwright’s Very, Very, Very Bad Day (by pjb)"},"content":{"rendered":"

Summary<\/strong>: \u00a0 \u00a0The ever-helpful Cartwrights come to the aid of studio executives who need to develop a special episode for Sweeps Week.<\/p>\n

Rated PG-13 (or whatever the Brand equivalent is)\u00a0\u00a0 Word count: 3,175<\/p>\n

Studio Executives Series:<\/strong><\/p>\n

The Real History of “The Crucible”<\/a>
\nLittle Joe Cartwright’s Very, Very, Very Bad Day<\/a>
\nThe Roberts Dilemma<\/a>
\nA Ponderosa Christmas . . . Or Maybe Not<\/a>
\nMen of the Ponderosa:\u00a0 A Valentine’s Day Treat<\/a>
\nOn the Other Hand<\/a>
\nFake History<\/a>
\nA Sharp Idea<\/a>
\nNegotiating Clingers, Going Natural, and the Big-Ticket Item<\/a><\/p>\n

 <\/p>\n

\u00a0 \u00a0 \u00a0 \u00a0 \u00a0 \u00a0 \u00a0 \u00a0 \u00a0 \u00a0Little Joe Cartwright’s Very, Very, Very Bad Day<\/strong><\/p>\n

 <\/p>\n

For those who like to keep track, these are the episodes referenced in this story: Ride the Wind; The Secret; The Trap; Alias Joe Cartwright; Mark of Guilt; Something Hurt, Something Wild; Emily; My Brother’s Keeper; Second Chance; Forever; The Gift; The Power of Life and Death; A Nice, Friendly Little Town; The Crucible; A Time to Step Down; A Matter of Circumstance; The Fighters; The Spitfire.<\/p>\n

Little Joe Cartwright\u2019s Very, Very, Very Bad Day<\/b><\/p>\n

Scene: \u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0<\/span><\/i> The Cartwrights\u2019 living room<\/span><\/i><\/p>\n

Present: \u00a0\u00a0\u00a0<\/span><\/i> Ben Cartwright, Adam Cartwright, Hoss Cartwright, Little Joe Cartwright, Candy Canaday, Jamie Hunter Cartwright, Studio Executive #1, Studio Executive #2, Studio Executive #3<\/span><\/i><\/p>\n

SE#1: \u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0<\/span> Like I said, fellows, we need your help.<\/span><\/p>\n

BEN: \u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0<\/span> Of course, Phil. If there\u2019s anything we can do, we\u2019ll be happy to help. That\u2019s the Cartwright way.<\/span><\/p>\n

SE#2: \u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0<\/span> We were hoping you\u2019d say that, Ben. See, here\u2019s the problem. This is Sweeps Week, and\u2014<\/span><\/p>\n

ADAM: \u00a0\u00a0\u00a0<\/span> Wait a minute. (<\/span>gesturing to Jamie and Candy<\/span><\/i>) Who are these people?<\/span><\/p>\n

JOE: \u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0<\/span> Your replacements, kind of.<\/span><\/p>\n

ADAM: \u00a0\u00a0\u00a0<\/span> I got replaced by some red-haired kid?<\/span><\/p>\n

SE#3: \u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0<\/span> Not exactly. You were replaced by Candy here. Things were just a little too snug with Ben and two sons. We needed a third to add a new dynamic.<\/span><\/p>\n

BEN: \u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0<\/span> And to give the rest of us a break. Being the main character in one episode out of three was a lot more work than if it\u2019s one out of four.<\/span><\/p>\n

HOSS: \u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0<\/span> You can say that again. Anyway, what\u2019s Sweeps Week?<\/span><\/p>\n

SE#1: \u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0<\/span> It\u2019s when the networks try to boost their ratings by pulling out their meatiest stuff.<\/span><\/p>\n

JOE: \u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0<\/span> (to Candy)<\/span><\/i> You got any idea what he\u2019s talking about?<\/span><\/p>\n

CANDY: \u00a0<\/span> Nope. <\/span>(to Jamie)<\/span><\/i> What about you? You kids are always supposed to be up on the latest thing.<\/span><\/p>\n

JAMIE: \u00a0\u00a0\u00a0<\/span> No idea. But hey, we got plenty of meat right here on the Ponderosa. Cattle all over the place. Is that what he means?<\/span><\/p>\n

SE#3: \u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0<\/span> I gotta get over to <\/span>I Dream of Jeannie<\/span><\/i>. Can we just focus for a minute?<\/span><\/p>\n

BEN: \u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0<\/span> Of course we can. <\/span>(glares at his sons and Candy)<\/span><\/i> What do you need for us to do?<\/span><\/p>\n

SE#1: \u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0<\/span> Well, it\u2019s like this. You know how the ratings always go up whenever Little Joe is hurt or in trouble or anything like that.<\/span><\/p>\n

ADAM: \u00a0\u00a0\u00a0<\/span> Ratings?<\/span><\/p>\n

SE#2: \u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0<\/span> People who like watching you.<\/span><\/p>\n

HOSS: \u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0<\/span> They like us? Ain\u2019t that nice. I thought they just liked the pretty scenery. It\u2019s in living color, y\u2019know.<\/span><\/p>\n

CANDY: \u00a0<\/span> Of course it is. What are you gonna do, paint the trees gray?<\/span><\/p>\n

ADAM: \u00a0\u00a0\u00a0<\/span> Some places do. The folks over at <\/span>Gunsmoke<\/span><\/i> lived in a gray world for a lot of years.<\/span><\/p>\n

JAMIE: \u00a0\u00a0\u00a0<\/span> Sounds like a mighty peculiar place.<\/span><\/p>\n

SE#2: \u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0<\/span> It\u2019s a different network.<\/span><\/p>\n

SE#3: \u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0<\/span> Guys, come <\/span>on<\/span><\/i>! Can we just stay on topic for five minutes?<\/span><\/p>\n

JOE: \u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0<\/span> You don\u2019t have to yell. Pa, tell him not to yell.<\/span><\/p>\n

BEN: \u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0<\/span> Settle down, Joseph. Now, Phil, you were talking about Joe getting hurt or in trouble.<\/span><\/p>\n

SE#1: \u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0<\/span> Exactly. Whenever we have those big dramatic episodes with Little Joe, the fan mail is up for <\/span>weeks<\/span><\/i> afterward.<\/span><\/p>\n

SE#2: \u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0<\/span> So we figured that for Sweeps Week, we\u2019d just combine a whole bunch of the best stuff in one episode. We\u2019re gonna call it <\/span>Little Joe Cartwright\u2019s Very, Very, Very Bad Day<\/span><\/i>.<\/span><\/p>\n

SE#3: \u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0<\/span> Genius, right?<\/span><\/p>\n

BEN: \u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0<\/span> I don\u2019t understand. What do you propose to do to him?<\/span><\/p>\n

SE#1: \u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0<\/span> Everything! We figure we can re-use some of the greatest hits, as we call them. Maybe even make it a two-part episode, like we did with the one about the Pony Express.<\/span><\/p>\n

ADAM: \u00a0\u00a0\u00a0<\/span> The Pony Express?<\/span><\/p>\n

JOE: \u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0<\/span> You weren\u2019t here for that one. It was good, though. I got to do a lot of riding and shooting and stuff like that.<\/span><\/p>\n

SE#2: \u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0<\/span> It was good, but not for the kind of ratings we\u2019re looking for. We figure we\u2019ll start off by having Joe get accused of a crime.<\/span><\/p>\n

BEN: \u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0<\/span> Wrongfully<\/span><\/i> accused.<\/span><\/p>\n

SE#3: \u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0<\/span> Sure, whatever. We got lots of material to work with. He\u2019s been accused of murder a bunch of times. There was that girl who got shoved off the cliff\u2014<\/span><\/p>\n

JOE: \u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0<\/span> (to Candy) <\/span><\/i>Pa thought I knocked her up.<\/span><\/p>\n

BEN: \u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0<\/span> Joseph!<\/span><\/p>\n

SE#2: \u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0<\/span> And the one who thought Joe killed her husband so he could marry her\u2014<\/span><\/p>\n

SE#1: \u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0<\/span> And the one where the guy who looked like him switched clothes so he almost got executed for killing some army guy\u2014<\/span><\/p>\n

SE#3: \u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0<\/span> Oh, yeah! The firing squad! That was great stuff. People <\/span>loved<\/span><\/i> it. Maybe we should try it again.<\/span><\/p>\n

JOE: \u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0<\/span> Forget it! I don\u2019t care what you say \u2013 I\u2019m not wearing plaid again!<\/span><\/p>\n

BEN: \u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0<\/span> Joseph!<\/span><\/p>\n

SE#1: \u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0<\/span> What about the one where Hoss was Little Joe\u2019s lawyer, and Hop Sing told everybody about fingerprints and got him off?<\/span><\/p>\n

ADAM: \u00a0\u00a0\u00a0<\/span> Hoss<\/span><\/i> was a lawyer?<\/span><\/p>\n

HOSS: \u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0<\/span> I sure was, and I did a danged fine job of it, too. You ain\u2019t the only one with brains. I\u2019m thinking I might start a little law practice on the side in case I get tired of ranching.<\/span><\/p>\n

SE#2: \u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0<\/span> Have we done murder too much? Maybe we should accuse Little Joe of a different crime.<\/span><\/p>\n

SE#1: \u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0<\/span> We did have that one where the crazy girl accused him of \u2013 what exactly was it she was accusing him of?<\/span><\/p>\n

BEN: \u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0<\/span> Taking liberties, or trying to. It was never quite clear. The censors, you know.<\/span><\/p>\n

SE#1: \u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0<\/span> That\u2019s not a real sweeps kind of crime anyway. But you know what we could do \u2013 we could do a combo. Maybe robbery and murder, like the one where Joe\u2019s ex-fianc\u00e9e was trying to get him to run off with her and she made it look like he had a motive to steal that Wells Fargo shipment and one of the Wells Fargo guys got killed.<\/span><\/p>\n

SE#2: \u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0<\/span> A combo would be good. And if we do a double episode, we\u2019ve got around ninety-six minutes. Plenty of time.<\/span><\/p>\n

JOE: \u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0<\/span> Just as long as I don\u2019t have to spend the whole episode in jail. That\u2019s really boring.<\/span><\/p>\n

SE#3: \u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0<\/span> Oh, don\u2019t you worry about that. We\u2019ll get you out. How else are you going to get wounded?<\/span><\/p>\n

ADAM: \u00a0\u00a0\u00a0<\/span> He\u2019s getting wounded?<\/span><\/p>\n

SE#3: \u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0<\/span> Don\u2019t worry, you don\u2019t have to shoot him this time.<\/span><\/p>\n

ADAM: \u00a0\u00a0\u00a0<\/span> (as Joe snickers) <\/span><\/i>Low blow.<\/span><\/p>\n

SE#2: \u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0<\/span> But you gotta admit, the wolf bite was a nice touch. Maybe we can find another wolf.<\/span><\/p>\n

HOSS: \u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0<\/span> I got knocked out in that episode. You can use that if you want.<\/span><\/p>\n

SE#2: \u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0<\/span> Your job is to take care of your little brother after he\u2019s injured. Hey, do we really have to shoot Little Joe again? Isn\u2019t there something else we can do to him?<\/span><\/p>\n

SE#1: \u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0<\/span> I agree. The guy\u2019s been shot so many times it\u2019s a wonder he doesn\u2019t leak when he drinks coffee.<\/span><\/p>\n

JAMIE: \u00a0\u00a0\u00a0<\/span> Hey, Joe, how many time you been shot?<\/span><\/p>\n

JOE: \u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0<\/span> Heck if I know. Twenty, thirty. They all run together after a while.<\/span><\/p>\n

CANDY: \u00a0<\/span> And yet he doesn\u2019t have a single scar from any of them.<\/span><\/p>\n

BEN: \u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0<\/span> It\u2019s those good strong Cartwright genes.<\/span><\/p>\n

JAMIE: \u00a0\u00a0\u00a0<\/span> Hoss has been shot a bunch of times, too. So has Pa. Maybe I should get shot this time.<\/span><\/p>\n

SE#3: \u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0<\/span> There are a lot of folks who\u2019d love that.<\/span><\/p>\n

SE#1: \u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0<\/span> We can change it up. The Indians shot Joe with an arrow that time he and Hoss hooked up with that wagon train with the old doctor and the Army guy. Maybe we could do that again.<\/span><\/p>\n

ADAM: \u00a0\u00a0\u00a0<\/span> I don\u2019t remember that.<\/span><\/p>\n

BEN: \u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0<\/span> That was after your time.<\/span><\/p>\n

ADAM: \u00a0\u00a0\u00a0<\/span> Sounds like you guys did a lot of interesting stuff after I left.<\/span><\/p>\n

CANDY: \u00a0<\/span> We had some really good times. Joe even got married for about half an hour.<\/span><\/p>\n

SE#1: \u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0<\/span> I almost forgot! We need to break Little Joe\u2019s heart!<\/span><\/p>\n

SE#2: \u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0<\/span> You want to kill her or just have her leave town?<\/span><\/p>\n

SE#3: \u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0<\/span> I liked that married one, the ex-fianc\u00e9e. Can we do something with her?<\/span><\/p>\n

SE#2: \u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0<\/span> What, like have her come back?<\/span><\/p>\n

JOE: \u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0<\/span> (brightening)<\/span><\/i> I could live with that.<\/span><\/p>\n

BEN: \u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0<\/span> No. Absolutely not.<\/span><\/p>\n

JOE: \u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0<\/span> But, Pa\u2014<\/span><\/p>\n

BEN: \u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0<\/span> I said \u201cno.\u201d I know she was mighty pretty, but she lied about you, about your character.<\/span><\/p>\n

CANDY: \u00a0<\/span> Only because she was still in love with him.<\/span><\/p>\n

HOSS: \u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0<\/span> That don\u2019t matter. That gal was a big heap of trouble, and my little brother ain\u2019t goin\u2019 anywhere near her again.<\/span><\/p>\n

JOE: \u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0<\/span> (in a whisper to SE#2)<\/span><\/i> You got her number? Her and me\u2019s got some catching up to do.<\/span><\/p>\n

BEN: \u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0<\/span> Joseph! I\u2019m warning you!<\/span><\/p>\n

SE#1: \u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0<\/span> Let\u2019s see. What else can we do? We get Joe accused of something, he gets shot, there\u2019s a girl who breaks his heart \u2013 what else? That\u2019s barely enough for one episode.<\/span><\/p>\n

SE#2: \u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0<\/span> We could do all this in the desert. Maybe he\u2019s running away from the accuser in the desert and the girl shoots him.<\/span><\/p>\n

SE#3: \u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0<\/span> I like it. Desert episodes are good. Didn\u2019t we do something else in the desert?<\/span><\/p>\n

HOSS: \u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0<\/span> The one where Little Joe was getting the white horse for Pa\u2019s birthday. And he smashed my hat at the end. Why\u2019d you do that, anyway?<\/span><\/p>\n

JOE: \u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0<\/span> I think I was delirious. That, or your hat looked stupid. I don\u2019t remember.<\/span><\/p>\n

BEN: \u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0<\/span> Don\u2019t forget the one where Joe and I were part of a posse to catch a killer, and we were out in the desert. In fact, Joe had to walk across the desert to get help because I got shot. Joe\u2019s not the only one who can get wounded, you know. <\/span>(blank looks from the others)<\/span><\/i> I\u2019m just saying.<\/span><\/p>\n

HOSS: \u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0<\/span> Y\u2019know, I got a question about that one. I don\u2019t mean to be \u2013 well, indelicate \u2013 but dadburnit, Little Brother, what in blazes was goin\u2019 on with your pants? Toward the end when you fell down, it looked like your junk was gonna break free any minute. I was kinda scared for those fellas who helped you. That coulda been nasty.<\/span><\/p>\n

JOE: \u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0<\/span> What can I say? It was a tight pants episode.<\/span><\/p>\n

CANDY: \u00a0<\/span> You get an awful lot of those. Do these guys pay you extra to show off your <\/span>cojones<\/span><\/i>?<\/span><\/p>\n

JOE: \u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0<\/span> You don\u2019t think I\u2019d do that for free, do you? I get paid for what I show. I\u2019m a businessman.<\/span><\/p>\n

ADAM: \u00a0\u00a0\u00a0<\/span> (under his breath)<\/span><\/i> Or a Chippendale.<\/span><\/p>\n

JOE: \u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0<\/span> (ignoring him) <\/span><\/i>I get a bonus, especially if it\u2019s front <\/span>and<\/span><\/i> back. I don\u2019t give anything away \u2013 except to the ladies, of course.<\/span><\/p>\n

BEN: \u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0<\/span> Joseph!<\/span><\/p>\n

ADAM: \u00a0\u00a0\u00a0<\/span> (musing)<\/span><\/i> Nobody ever asked me to wear tight pants, even for free.<\/span><\/p>\n

HOSS: \u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0<\/span> Reckon there might have been a reason for that, Older Brother?<\/span><\/p>\n

ADAM: \u00a0\u00a0\u00a0<\/span> See? <\/span>This<\/span><\/i> is why I left. I wasn\u2019t appreciated!<\/span><\/p>\n

SE#1: \u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0<\/span> Calm down. You were appreciated. It\u2019s just that your little brother\u2019s fans go nuts \u2013 no pun intended \u2013 over that kind of thing.<\/span><\/p>\n

JAMIE: \u00a0\u00a0\u00a0<\/span> I\u2019ve heard about back then. Sometimes Joe\u2019s pants looked like somebody was giving him a wedgie, like that time with the woman who thought you killed her husband and his twin brother wanted to kill you. I heard you were standing there in the street with your back to everybody, and \u2013<\/span><\/p>\n

BEN: \u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0<\/span> Enough!<\/span><\/p>\n

JOE: \u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0<\/span> Truth be told, Jamie, it ain\u2019t always all that comfortable, but the guys here pay extra to keep the lady viewers happy.<\/span><\/p>\n

HOSS: \u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0<\/span> Come to think of it, nobody ever asked me to wear tight pants neither.<\/span><\/p>\n

ADAM: \u00a0\u00a0\u00a0<\/span> Reckon there might have been a reason for that, Younger Brother?<\/span><\/p>\n

CANDY: \u00a0<\/span> Nobody ever asked me, and I\u2019m a better choice than either of you.<\/span><\/p>\n

HOSS: \u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0<\/span> Mebbe that\u2019s why Little Joe got shot in the back end \u2013 he was showin\u2019 it off too much.<\/span><\/p>\n

JOE: \u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0<\/span> Hey! That wasn\u2019t funny! It was two weeks before I could sit a horse!<\/span><\/p>\n

ADAM: \u00a0\u00a0\u00a0<\/span> Maybe the girl should shoot him in the ass when they\u2019re out in the desert. And he could get sand in the wound, and \u2013<\/span><\/p>\n

JOE: \u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0<\/span> Pa!<\/span><\/p>\n

BEN: \u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0<\/span> You boys settle down. These gentlemen have a lot of work to do.<\/span><\/p>\n

SE#2: \u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0<\/span> I got it! Joe gets accused of robbery and murder, and he gets broken out of jail by somebody who wants to kidnap him. They have a girl with them, and Joe falls in love with her, and when he tries to take her and run away across the desert, they both get shot, and she dies and he\u2019s wounded, and just when it looks like he\u2019s really gonna die this time, Ben and Hoss and whoever\u2019s around ride up and rescue him!<\/span><\/p>\n

SE#3: \u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0<\/span> Freakin\u2019 brilliant!<\/span><\/p>\n

SE#1: \u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0<\/span> You\u2019re a genius!<\/span><\/p>\n

ADAM: \u00a0\u00a0\u00a0<\/span> Whoa, whoa, <\/span>whoa!<\/span><\/i> \u201cWhoever\u2019s around\u201d? Who\u2019s in this episode, anyway?<\/span><\/p>\n

SE#2: \u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0<\/span> What do you care? You\u2019re supposed to be off playing doctor somewhere.<\/span><\/p>\n

ADAM: \u00a0\u00a0\u00a0<\/span> The desert is <\/span>my<\/span><\/i> thing. Remember <\/span>The Crucible<\/span><\/i>?<\/span><\/p>\n

(All groan)<\/span><\/i><\/p>\n

BEN: \u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0<\/span> (with the kind of extreme patience that shows he\u2019s had to say this many times before)<\/span><\/i> We all remember <\/span>The Crucible<\/span><\/i>. You were outstanding. Classic drama. Unparalleled in the history of the Ponderosa.<\/span><\/p>\n

(All nod and make vague noises of agreement. Adam sits back, arms crossed across his chest, satisfied.)<\/span><\/i><\/p>\n

JAMIE: \u00a0\u00a0\u00a0<\/span> I heard about that. Didn\u2019t make any sense. Why didn\u2019t you just hightail it out of there when you figured out the guy was loony?<\/span><\/p>\n

ADAM: \u00a0\u00a0\u00a0<\/span> Why, you little \u2013 <\/span>(lunges)<\/span><\/i><\/p>\n

JAMIE: \u00a0\u00a0\u00a0<\/span> Pa! He\u2019s strangling me!<\/span><\/p>\n

CANDY: \u00a0<\/span> That should get some ratings.<\/span><\/p>\n

HOSS: \u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0<\/span> (with his own sigh of patience as he yanks Jamie away from Adam)<\/span><\/i> Adam, don\u2019t strangle the kid. <\/span>(Adam drops back into the blue chair, glaring at Jamie)<\/span><\/i><\/p>\n

ADAM: \u00a0\u00a0\u00a0<\/span> Glad I got out of here before this little brat came along.<\/span><\/p>\n

JAMIE: \u00a0\u00a0\u00a0<\/span> So\u2019m I! And I\u2019m not a brat! <\/span>(sticks out his tongue)<\/span><\/i><\/p>\n

BEN: \u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0<\/span> Joseph!<\/span><\/p>\n

JOE: \u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0<\/span> Hey!<\/span><\/p>\n

BEN: \u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0<\/span> Sorry. Force of habit.<\/span><\/p>\n

CANDY: \u00a0<\/span> Is this what the early years were like?<\/span><\/p>\n

JOE: \u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0<\/span> Sometimes. <\/span>(Hoss raises an eyebrow)<\/span><\/i> Okay, a lot of the time.<\/span><\/p>\n

CANDY: \u00a0<\/span> I\u2019m glad I missed them.<\/span><\/p>\n

SE#1: \u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0<\/span> I still think Little Joe getting shot is kind of clich\u00e9. I mean, if there\u2019s anything we\u2019ve done to death, it\u2019s shoot him.<\/span><\/p>\n

SE#2: \u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0<\/span> What do you want to do? Stab him?<\/span><\/p>\n

SE#3: \u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0<\/span> Drowning might be good. Almost drowning, I mean.<\/span><\/p>\n

SE#2: \u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0<\/span> In the desert?<\/span><\/p>\n

SE#3: \u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0<\/span> Good point. Hey, what if he got captured by Indians while he was escaping from the kidnappers and they scalped him?<\/span><\/p>\n

(A collective gasp of horror from everyone)<\/span><\/i><\/p>\n

BEN: \u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0<\/span> If you touch a hair on my son\u2019s head, there isn\u2019t anyplace far enough or dark enough that I won\u2019t find you.<\/span><\/p>\n

SE#3: \u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0<\/span> Don\u2019t try that line on me, Ben Cartwright. I hired the guy who wrote it. Besides, you misquoted. You gotta learn your lines.<\/span><\/p>\n

SE#1: \u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0<\/span> You can\u2019t scalp him. Women love that hair. Besides, he\u2019s practically the only one who even has hair.<\/span><\/p>\n

CANDY AND JAMIE: \u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0<\/span> Hey!<\/span><\/p>\n

SE#2: \u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0<\/span> Calm down. He\u2019s talking about the original bunch. The Hairpiece Brigade.<\/span><\/p>\n

BEN: \u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0<\/span> I beg your pardon!<\/span><\/p>\n

HOSS: \u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0<\/span> (wearily)<\/span><\/i> Don\u2019t even bother, Pa. Everybody knows.<\/span><\/p>\n

BEN: \u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0<\/span> (huffily)<\/span><\/i> I don\u2019t know what you\u2019re talking about. <\/span>(The rest of them roll their eyes.)<\/span><\/i><\/p>\n

SE#1: \u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0<\/span> So that\u2019s it, then? We got an accusation, jail, kidnapping, shot or stabbed \u2013 we can decide that later \u2013 and heartbroken. Whaddya think?<\/span><\/p>\n

SE#3: \u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0<\/span> Get him trampled by a horse. That was really good when we did that. Added a lot of drama.<\/span><\/p>\n

BEN: \u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0<\/span> Just don\u2019t forget to leave time at the end for my JPM.<\/span><\/p>\n

JAMIE: \u00a0\u00a0\u00a0<\/span> What\u2019s a JPM?<\/span><\/p>\n

CANDY: \u00a0<\/span> A Joe-Pa Moment. That\u2019s when Ben fusses over Joe after he\u2019s been hurt or whatever.<\/span><\/p>\n

JAMIE: \u00a0\u00a0\u00a0<\/span> He\u2019s never fussed over me. That would be a JPM, too.<\/span><\/p>\n

JOE: \u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0<\/span> Don\u2019t even think about it, kid. I talked to Legal a long time ago. The term is trademarked.<\/span><\/p>\n

JAMIE: \u00a0\u00a0\u00a0<\/span> He really is a businessman.<\/span><\/p>\n

ADAM: \u00a0\u00a0\u00a0<\/span> Goes back to that time he decided to make money breaking horses for that guy from <\/span>My Three Sons<\/span><\/i> \u2013 the one who was married to Grandma Walton. He\u2019s never been the same since. I tried to get him to tie my tie once, and he charged me five bucks.<\/span><\/p>\n

JOE: \u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0<\/span> When you\u2019ve got a skill or \u2013 shall we say, an <\/span>asset<\/span><\/i> \u2013 that other people don\u2019t have, it\u2019s only fair that they should pay when they benefit from it.<\/span><\/p>\n

HOSS: \u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0<\/span> So how come when you got me into those prize fights and I got beat up, I never got any of the money?<\/span><\/p>\n

SE#1: \u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0<\/span> That\u2019s right! We forgot to get Joe beaten up!<\/span><\/p>\n

SE#2: \u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0<\/span> My bad. Let\u2019s have the kidnappers beat him up. He can start getting smart-mouthed with them, and they can beat the stuffing out of him.<\/span><\/p>\n

ADAM: \u00a0\u00a0\u00a0<\/span> Joe getting smart-mouthed? Who could ever imagine such a thing?<\/span><\/p>\n

JOE: \u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0<\/span> Shut up!<\/span><\/p>\n

BEN: \u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0<\/span> Joseph!<\/span><\/p>\n

JOE: \u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0<\/span> But I \u2013 oh, never mind.<\/span><\/p>\n

SE#2: \u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0<\/span> Is this it, then? Accused, jailed, kidnapped, beaten up, shot, heartbroken, and JPM?<\/span><\/p>\n

SE#3: \u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0<\/span> And trampled by the horse. Maybe after he\u2019s been beaten up, when the girl and him are trying to escape, before they\u2019re shot.<\/span><\/p>\n

SE#2: \u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0<\/span> Trampled it is. What does everybody think?<\/span><\/p>\n

ADAM: \u00a0\u00a0\u00a0<\/span> I think it\u2019s a good thing I became a doctor. Hey, any chance I can come back and be Doc Martin?<\/span><\/p>\n

SE#1: \u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0<\/span> That\u2019s an idea. We\u2019ve already three or four Doc Martins. By this time, you\u2019ve been gone so long that most people probably wouldn\u2019t recognize you.<\/span><\/p>\n

JOE: \u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0<\/span> Especially if you lose the rug.<\/span><\/p>\n

ADAM: \u00a0\u00a0\u00a0<\/span> I\u2019ll take off my rug when you stop dying your hair.<\/span><\/p>\n

HOSS: \u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0<\/span> Oh, that\u2019d be good. Pa\u2019s youngest would be grayer than he is!<\/span><\/p>\n

CANDY: \u00a0<\/span> I feel like I\u2019ve missed a lot.<\/span><\/p>\n

JAMIE: \u00a0\u00a0\u00a0<\/span> Me, too. Hey, you want to stream a few old episodes tonight to catch up?<\/span><\/p>\n

SE#1: \u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0<\/span> Not yet. Legal\u2019s still trying to work that out. For now, it\u2019s just the DVDs.<\/span><\/p>\n

JOE: \u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0<\/span> Tell Legal to get me a final tally on the tight pants episodes. I think you guys gypped me out of a couple of payments.<\/span><\/p>\n

SE#3: \u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0<\/span> I\u2019m sure we\u2019re current.<\/span><\/p>\n

JOE: \u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0<\/span> Until we know for sure, I\u2019m gonna go put on some nice baggy sweatpants.<\/span><\/p>\n

SE#1: \u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0<\/span> (yanking out a checkbook)<\/span><\/i> Not so fast. This Sweeps Week episode is going to need really tight pants. I\u2019m thinking the ones from <\/span>The Hostage<\/span><\/i> \u2013 you know, they looked like were almost painted on? Tell Wardrobe that\u2019s what you\u2019re wearing. And no tighty-whities. You\u2019re going commando.<\/span><\/p>\n

JOE: \u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0<\/span> You\u2019d better add another zero to that check.<\/span><\/p>\n

BEN: \u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0<\/span> Are we finished here? Because we need to go move cattle around. We\u2019re ranchers, after all.<\/span><\/p>\n

CANDY: \u00a0<\/span> You got a doctor, a lawyer, and a businessman sitting here. Ben, the only ranchers are you and me.<\/span><\/p>\n

SE#2: \u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0<\/span> Fellows, you ready to go? <\/span>I Dream of Jeannie<\/span><\/i> is waiting.<\/span><\/p>\n

HOSS: \u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0<\/span> Mebbe we should ride into Virginia City. We ain\u2019t done that all day.<\/span><\/p>\n

SE#1: \u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0<\/span> Yeah, I think we\u2019re good. We\u2019ll get the script over to you by the weekend.<\/span><\/p>\n

BEN: \u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0<\/span> Feel free to stop by any time. My home is your home.<\/span><\/p>\n

HOSS: \u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0<\/span> (to Joe)<\/span><\/i> Ain\u2019t that what he said to that backwoods old lady who wanted to kill you?<\/span><\/p>\n

JOE: \u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0<\/span> Yeah, but with these guys, I guess it\u2019s kinda true. C\u2019mon, Virginia City sounds good. I could use a beer. Maybe some new girls came in on today\u2019s stage. <\/span>(stands and stretches)<\/span><\/i> Good thing it\u2019s not tight pants day. The boys can use a break.<\/span><\/p>\n

ADAM: \u00a0\u00a0\u00a0<\/span> (as everyone exits)<\/span><\/i> Can we <\/span>please<\/span><\/i> talk about something else?<\/span><\/p>\n

CANDY: \u00a0<\/span> Like what? <\/span>The Crucible<\/span><\/i>?<\/span><\/p>\n

ADAM: \u00a0\u00a0\u00a0<\/span> I\u2019ll have you know I was <\/span>amazing<\/span><\/i> in that episode. A true <\/span>tour de force<\/span><\/i>. . . <\/span>(fade out)<\/span><\/i><\/p>\n

***********<\/span><\/p>\n

For reasons unknown, <\/span>Little Joe Cartwright\u2019s Very, Very, Very Bad Day<\/span><\/i> never aired, and the script appears to have been lost. Fortunately, legions of fan fiction writers have stepped in, and the various elements have appeared in dozens of stories. Plus, there are still plenty of tight pants episodes. <\/span><\/p>\n

 <\/p>\n

Tags:\u00a0 Adam Cartwright,\u00a0Ben Cartwright,\u00a0Candy Canaday,\u00a0Hoss Cartwright,\u00a0Jamie Hunter Cartwright,\u00a0Joe \/ Little Joe Cartwright<\/p>\n

 <\/p>\n

<\/div>\n

<\/g><\/svg><\/i> \"Loading\"<\/p>\n

<\/div>\n","protected":false},"excerpt":{"rendered":"

Summary: \u00a0 \u00a0The ever-helpful Cartwrights come to the aid of studio executives who need to develop a special episode for Sweeps Week.<\/p>\n

Rated PG-13 (or whatever the Brand equivalent is)\u00a0\u00a0 Word count: 3,175<\/p>\n

Studio Executives Series, links to all the stories included within.<\/p>\n","protected":false},"author":142,"featured_media":14636,"comment_status":"open","ping_status":"closed","sticky":false,"template":"template-full-width-post.php","format":"standard","meta":{"_jetpack_newsletter_access":"","_jetpack_dont_email_post_to_subs":false,"_jetpack_newsletter_tier_id":0,"_jetpack_memberships_contains_paywalled_content":false,"_jetpack_memberships_contains_paid_content":false,"footnotes":"","jetpack_post_was_ever_published":false},"categories":[4,687],"tags":[],"class_list":["post-12927","post","type-post","status-publish","format-standard","has-post-thumbnail","hentry","category-humor","category-modern-day","wpcat-4-id","wpcat-687-id"],"a3_pvc":{"activated":true,"total_views":4726,"today_views":0},"jetpack_featured_media_url":"https:\/\/i0.wp.com\/bonanzabrand.info\/library\/wp-content\/uploads\/2016\/05\/capture.png?fit=383%2C444&ssl=1","jetpack_likes_enabled":true,"jetpack-related-posts":[{"id":23102,"url":"https:\/\/bonanzabrand.info\/library\/?p=23102","url_meta":{"origin":12927,"position":0},"title":"Studio Executives #6 – On the Other Hand (by pjb)","author":"pjb","date":"July 13, 2019","format":false,"excerpt":"Summary: The studio executives find themselves caught between the series regulars, who want some fresh new story lines, and the fans, who want . . . well, you\u2019ll see. 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