{"id":12970,"date":"2016-05-28T05:10:47","date_gmt":"2016-05-28T09:10:47","guid":{"rendered":"https:\/\/bonanzabrand.info\/library\/?p=12970"},"modified":"2025-02-18T19:10:17","modified_gmt":"2025-02-19T00:10:17","slug":"strong-and-sensitive-on-the-comstock-a-really-lost-episode-by-robin","status":"publish","type":"post","link":"https:\/\/bonanzabrand.info\/library\/?p=12970","title":{"rendered":"Strong, Yet Sensitive on the Comstock (by Robin)"},"content":{"rendered":"

Summary:<\/strong>\u00a0 A behind the scenes look at the second longest running western series, Bonanza.<\/p>\n

Rating:\u00a0 T (2,250 words)<\/p>\n

Author’s Note:<\/strong> \u00a0The REALLY Losts are satires of the series written with much affection, eye rolling,\u00a0\u00a0and winks. \u00a0And can be somewhat risque’.<\/em><\/p>\n

Strong, Yet Sensitive on the Comstock
\nA REALLY Lost Episode<\/strong><\/p>\n

Introduction:<\/p>\n

Times changed in television programming in the 1970\u2019s. Despite being a top rated show, Bonanza seemed to be declining in viewership as American society changed rapidly and drastically.<\/p>\n

A secret meeting of the production staff of the show was held in the lead-lined Ponderosa bunker in the Nevada Desert with NBC executives.<\/p>\n

\u201cWe are concerned that after more than a decade of success, we are concerned that we might not get 20 seasons out of the show,\u201d the NBC executive began.<\/p>\n

\u201cTwenty years?\u201d the producer gasped. He was shocked that NBC had that fantasy.<\/p>\n

\u201cMaybe even 30. We have to change the show with the times.\u201d<\/p>\n

\u201cWe gave Ben long side burns this year\u2026and what about that Woodstock- Hippie script the \u201cWeary Willies\u201d.<\/p>\n

Everyone in the room retched into the waste baskets at the mention of that episode.<\/p>\n

\u201cWe should have called it \u201cThe Wet Willies\u201d said one of the high paid executives. He licked his fingers and twirled it around in the ear of the junior executive sitting on his left.<\/p>\n

\u201cEEEEEEEEEEEEEwww!\u201d whined the junior executive who later went to work on the production of Wheel of Fourtune zipping up Vanna White\u2019s dress.<\/p>\n

\u201cWe need to keep up with things! The times they are a changing!\u201d said the NBC executive.<\/p>\n

\u201cWhat if the Cartwrights Were More Sensitive\u2026maybe we could get a few more seasons out of them? Look at that Alan Alda. Women love his sensitivity!\u201d<\/p>\n

\u201cAnd they also adore Dustin Hoffman and Ed Asner!\u201d<\/p>\n

\u201cEd Asner? He isn\u2019t sensitive. It\u2019s Mary being independent and those wacky girlfriends of hers! And her polyester pants suits!\u201d<\/p>\n

\u201cOk let\u2019s give Roy Coffee a spunky female deputy. We can call her Mary and the Cartwrights can get a wacky ethnic neighbor like Rhoda!\u201d<\/p>\n

\u201cThose grape growing Rossi people were the Cartwright\u2019s neighbors and you know how that flopped.\u201d<\/p>\n

\u201cLet the Rossi\u2019s open a pizza parlor? Ponderosa Pizza?\u201d<\/p>\n

\u201cPonderosa Pine Tree VEGETARIAN Pizza!\u201d<\/p>\n

\u201cYUK that is worse than that spin off you suggested where Cousin Muley is a veterinarian to Charo\u2018s Chihuahua or Cousin Will On the\u00a0Love Boat<\/em>\u2026or getting a red headed step child.\u201d The NBC executive shook his head. \u201cAnd they can sing in each episode!\u201d<\/p>\n

\u201cRon Howard refused to negotiate to join the cast.\u201d<\/p>\n

\u201cRon Howard? Opie? Opie on the Ponderosa! We can have him play Roy Coffee\u2019s adorable son!\u201d<\/p>\n

\u201cHe refused to negotiate!\u201d the third assistant director repeated.\u201d \u00a0but we still have an option with Howdy Doody to play the kid\u2026\u201d<\/p>\n

\u201cWe need a better idea. Doody is shitty idea.\u201d<\/p>\n

\u201cSo is the redhead. What about Lucy? She can be the kid and the wacky neighbor?\u201d<\/p>\n

\u201cToo expensive. Besides, the fans love the Cartwrights, not Lucy.\u201d The young NBC executive shook his head.<\/p>\n

\u201cSure\u2026 let them get married?\u201d<\/p>\n

\u201cLucy and the Cartwrights?\u201d one of the writers asked. \u201cStrange yet strangely intriguing! A drama and a comedy all rolled into one!\u201d<\/p>\n

\u201cNot Lucy. A Cartwright can get married.\u201d said the head of production.<\/p>\n

\u201cSure Ben can marry a musical blonde widow with 3 musical blonde daughters and they can have a female housekeeper and a shaggy dog. And they can wear white jumpsuits and chains around their necks and sing! The kids will love it!\u201d<\/p>\n

They all ignored that awful picture and retched once more into the waste baskets.<\/p>\n

\u201cOr have one of the boys get married!\u201d one man suggested.<\/p>\n

\u201cLet them all get married. How about a hotel-owning widow with three perky daughters.\u201d<\/p>\n

\u201cOne blonde, one brunette and one red head!\u201d exclaimed another. \u201cPerky is good! Michael Landon loves perky girls!\u201d<\/p>\n

\u201cThree pretty, perky daughters with big boobs!\u201d added one of the writers who drooled at the idea. \u201cLorne, Dan and Michael love perky and boobs too! We all love that!\u201d<\/p>\n

\u201cThree pretty perky daughters with big boobs who swim in the water tank. Wet perky girls!\u201d sighed the NBC executive who was shopping for a trophy wife.<\/p>\n

\u201cThat\u2019s Petticoat Junction. It\u2019s been done. And anyway we have Little Joe\u2026can\u2019t be having BettyJoeBobbyJoeBillyJoe and Little Joe.\u201d the producer shook his head.<\/p>\n

\u201cWhy not?\u201d the NBC man asked. He was holding out for boobs. He later moved over to ABC and worked on Charlie\u2019s Angels as the guy who zipped up the angels dresses each week.<\/p>\n

\u201cLandon put it in his last contract. He is the one and only Joe. We can\u2019t use the name Joe, Joey or Joseph in any script. Even Francis. Like calling one of Giorgio Rossi\u2019s relatives or FRIENDS Joseph Francis Tribiani\u2026He also asked for an espresso machine for Cochise XXII\u2026.and an episode with Ginger from Gilligan\u2019s Island.\u201d<\/p>\n

\u201cThen marry one of the Cartwrights off. Not all four. Have Joe marry Ginger. Make it a two part episode. And she can drown on the honeymoon cruise and they can get ship wrecked.\u201d<\/p>\n

\u201cNo, not that. Our male viewers like that they are four bachelors. And the females fantasize about them as their perfect boyfriends or husbands. If we get a wife in there, they won\u2019t fantasize about the boys anymore. We have very moral viewers who would never THINK about a married man THAT way,\u201d<\/p>\n

\u201cReally?\u201d said the one who was currently looking for a trophy wife.<\/p>\n

\u201cSure, why do you think we ditched that Laura Dayton\/Adam romance?\u201d said the man sitting next to him.<\/p>\n

\u201cUm\u2026because she was too whiney and that kid looked like a pig?\u201d<\/p>\n

\u201cAnd the scripts were lame?\u201d<\/p>\n

\u201cAnd she was too whiney?\u2019<\/p>\n

\u201cAnd that kid \u2026\u201d<\/p>\n

\u201cNO! Because the Cartwrights must remain single! They must!\u201d<\/p>\n

\u201cTHEY MUST!!\u201d they all chorused.<\/p>\n

\u201cI have it! Four sensitive bachelors. Four good-looking. strong males with a soft sensitive caring side. Very au current and 1970s\u2026side burns, sensitivity, passion.\u201d<\/p>\n

\u201cSounds good to me\u2026 All those hippie college kids and women\u2019s libbers who stopped watching Bonanza will flock back.\u201d<\/p>\n

\u201cYES!!!\u201d they all chorused.<\/p>\n

\u201cBet we can even get Pernell back with this script!\u201d said the foolishly nostalgic one.<\/p>\n

\u201cWe can go on for decades!\u201d<\/p>\n

**********<\/p>\n

Part Two:
\nThe REALLY Lost Episode That Never Aired
\nStrong, Yet Sensitive on the Comstock<\/em><\/p>\n


\n<\/em>“Joe, did you borrow my pink angora sweater?” Adam growled as Joe fluffed his adorable hair in the shiny bathroom mirror.<\/p>\n

“ME? ME? Borrow your sweater? NO! “Joe shirtlessly argued as he poofed up his lovely locks. He had a date with the soon to be late Mary Sue Bleudress. She was from New Orleans like his dead mama, REAL Marie.<\/p>\n

“Then where is it!??” Adam demanded. Not to be outdone by Joe, he ripped off his shirt and put on a leather vest and some love beads. “I have a date with Sue Mary Elizabeth Blewdris!” She was from backeast, like his dead mama, Liz.<\/p>\n

“I sure don’t know where your pink angora sweater is, Darling…besides you know how angora chafes my shiny hairless chest. Pass me that Brilliantine chest polish and the \u201cFresh as Spring\u201d lemon oil,” Joe retorted, his emerald eyes flashing like a beacon.<\/p>\n

“Then where is it?” Adam repeated, throttling Joe and beating the boy\u2019s head against the tiled wall giving him a fractured skull. “Ooops! Another depressed fractured skull!” (The audiences loved conflict and adored Joe getting bopped)<\/p>\n

Adam picked up the toilet plunger and plopped it to the side of his baby brother\u2019s head and undented it. (The audiences loved Adam being a pre McGyver Gyro Gearloose and inventing clever western technology)<\/p>\n

WhOMP!<\/p>\n

\u201cHey, you smudged my mascara!\u201d Joe sulked as his eyes refocused from his skull fracture. (The audiences loved Michael Landon\u2019s eye lashes and dreamy green eyes) Adam karate chopped him in the forehead and his pupils re-dilated.<\/p>\n

\u201cYou ok, Joe?\u201d Adam gasped making sure his darling brother was A-OK. \u201cI sort of lost my temper for a moment and broke a fingernail too!\u201d<\/p>\n

\u201cI am perfect, as always!\u201d Joe twirled and did a handstand on the side of the bathtub. \u201cYou are as good as any REAL doctor, Adam!\u201d (\u201cHmmmm!\u201d Pernell Robert\u2019s thought. Maybe he could get another job playing a doctor! And be the only star in the show not one of a quartet!\u201d<\/p>\n

\u201cBetter, because you are my brother and I care so deeply for you!\u201d Adam did a back flip and a matching handstand next to Joe on the edge of the sparkling bathtub. (women love strong but clean men almost as much as they love owning numerous pairs of shoes.)<\/p>\n

\u201cDid you ever consider becoming a doctor, Adam?\u201d Joe said as he stood on one hand. \u201cI know you invented bloodless surgery with steak knives when you saved me after you ACCIDENTALLY shot me!\u201d<\/p>\n

\u201cYes, I might become a doctor and go to Korea and save orphans and then come back to San Francisco,\u201d Adam said as he lifted one hand to show his manly strength. He balanced on his left hand as he scrubbed out the tub with his right. Liberated men did house work for their liberated women. \u201dI am going to San Francisco, the city of love beside the Bay.\u201d<\/p>\n

\u201cAnd invent Rice A Roni?\u201d Hoss asked sticking his head around the door. \u201cRice aroni is the San Francisco Treat!\u201d<\/p>\n

Hoss didn\u2019t do any back flips or join his brothers doing handstands on the tub. He comedically removed the bathroom curtains and wrapped them around his adorably chubby body and did a little Irish Jig like an enormous leprechaun. Unfortunately, he knocked Adam and Joe off the edge of the tub and they both crashed to the floor.<\/p>\n

\u201cAnd WHERE IS MY PINK ANGORA SWEATER!\u201d Adam demanded.<\/p>\n

Joe shrugged and punched Hoss who grabbed Adam by the seat of his pants and flipped him into Joe.<\/p>\n

Just then Ben arrived, wearing his maroon velour robe with the pink satin lapels that he got from Adah Menkin for a sensitive cowboy day gift. “Boys! Boys! Kiss and make up! KISS YOUR BELOVED BROTHERS! All of you! Hoss has the pink angora sweater in his room! Darlings, you know how your full- figured sibling fills that sweater so well. Bessie Sue Inger Bluedress just drools with glee when he wears pink.” Ben ruffled Joe’s hair and squeezed Adam’s cheek and smiled paternally at Hoss in the caf\u00e9 curtains. \u201cLove your outfit Hossy Wossy! Want to borrow my hat to go with it?\u201d<\/p>\n

“Oh my!” Adam and Joe squealed in unison. “Think we might just be having a spring wedding on the Ponderosa!” All the discord suddenly forgotten at the lovely idea the increase in the Neilson ratings that a wedding can produce.<\/p>\n

“I hope he picks green corduroy tuxedos,” Joe grinned knowing that green made his eyes look great. He had such long lashes he had to put them up in pin curls at night.<\/p>\n

“I just hope and pray my middle boy Hoss doesn’t pick an ensemble that makes my butt look big,” Ben was thankful that Hoss had a sweetie but he sure didn’t want to look chunky at the wedding. It wasn\u2019t an easy task being the father of the groom.<\/p>\n

A tear coursed its way down Adam’s handsome, handsome manly cheek…he was thinking of Laura Dayton and wishing the Bonner brothers had trampled her to death with their horses instead of just knocking her down in the middle of Main Street. “Guess I better start working on that combo cradle\/magazine rack as a wedding gift.”<\/p>\n

\u201cAnd charging the battery in that not yet invented video recorder!\u201d Joe added. He was secretly working on his next career as a writer\/director\/actor\/producer\/sensitive guy on the Prairie.<\/p>\n

\u201cTime for a group hug, boys!\u201d Ben gathered his offspring to his chest and squeezed them to his thudding heart that was overflowing with affection for those wonderful, handsome, handsome handsome, sensative boys. Then Ben and his three boys sang melodiously \u201cLet Us Feel the Love Tonight\u201d and \u201cWe are Fam- a- LEE!\u201d<\/p>\n

Pa hugged Adam and Adam hugged Hoss…who in turn hugged Little Joe who snuggled up to Pa and said (his Heineken bottle green eyes glittering like polished emeralds. “I wuv you, Pa. Sooooo much. Sorry I was so cranky before.\u201d<\/p>\n

“Har har har,” Hoss said. “It must be his PMS or tight tan britches riding up on him or the fact that he was shot, stabbed and set fire to jest last week. \u201c<\/p>\n

\u201cTwice!” Joe bragged. \u201cAnd kicked by a horse too!\u201d<\/p>\n

“And not to forget kidnapped and starved by pervo henchmen of the megalomaniac legion of villains: the Back Street Boys, The Joker and Jarrod and Heath Barkley,” Adam reminded them. They were all jealous of the Cartwrights and each month either kidnapped one of the boys or poured sugar in Ben\u2019s not yet invented Chevy Tahoe gas tank or cut clumps out of Hoss\u2018s hair. For years, everyone was sure that Hoss was going bald but it was really the bad guys sneaking into the Ponderosa at night and swabbing the big cowboy\u2019s head with wads of Nair.<\/p>\n

Suddenly Adam was overwhelmed by emotion and minced up stairs and slammed the door and threw himself on his lavender and pink Hello Kitty sheet and had a good cry. He so loved his family more than anything. \u201cI love you guys!\u201d Adam wailed.<\/p>\n

“Guess it is Adam’s turn to be cranky,” Ben grinned and ruffled Little Joe’s curly curls,<\/p>\n

\u201cPa, don\u2018t smoosh my coiffure! The mousse hasn\u2018t hardened yet,\u201d Little Joe quipped in his usual impish Joe fashion.<\/p>\n

“Thank GOD I am blessed by such wonderful, handsome, handsome, handsome boys and not an anorexic one in the bunch! By the way…does my butt look fat in these pants?”<\/p>\n

*****End*****<\/p>\n

Revised May 2016<\/p>\n

 <\/p>\n

Tags:\u00a0 Adam Cartwright,\u00a0Ben Cartwright,\u00a0Hoss Cartwright,\u00a0Joe \/ Little Joe Cartwright,\u00a0tongue-in-cheek<\/p>\n

<\/div>\n

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<\/div>\n","protected":false},"excerpt":{"rendered":"

Summary:\u00a0 A behind the scenes look at the second longest running western series, Bonanza.<\/p>\n

Rating:\u00a0 T (2,250 words)<\/p>\n","protected":false},"author":44,"featured_media":14367,"comment_status":"open","ping_status":"closed","sticky":false,"template":"template-full-width-post.php","format":"standard","meta":{"_jetpack_newsletter_access":"","_jetpack_dont_email_post_to_subs":false,"_jetpack_newsletter_tier_id":0,"_jetpack_memberships_contains_paywalled_content":false,"_jetpack_memberships_contains_paid_content":false,"footnotes":"","jetpack_post_was_ever_published":false},"categories":[4],"tags":[],"class_list":["post-12970","post","type-post","status-publish","format-standard","has-post-thumbnail","hentry","category-humor","wpcat-4-id"],"a3_pvc":{"activated":true,"total_views":1119,"today_views":0},"jetpack_featured_media_url":"https:\/\/i0.wp.com\/bonanzabrand.info\/library\/wp-content\/uploads\/2017\/06\/ARLE-e1497282889671.png?fit=570%2C416&ssl=1","jetpack_likes_enabled":true,"jetpack-related-posts":[{"id":15319,"url":"https:\/\/bonanzabrand.info\/library\/?p=15319","url_meta":{"origin":12970,"position":0},"title":"Night Watch (by Cheaux)","author":"Cheaux","date":"October 22, 2017","format":false,"excerpt":"Summary: Musings of Deputy Clem Foster on his city and the Cartwrights. 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Rating:\u00a0 G\u00a0 1,900 words Note:\u00a0 This story was written for the Bonanza Brand 2020 Advent Calendar, originated in the Forums.","rel":"","context":"In "Drama"","block_context":{"text":"Drama","link":"https:\/\/bonanzabrand.info\/library\/?cat=23"},"img":{"alt_text":"","src":"https:\/\/i0.wp.com\/bonanzabrand.info\/library\/wp-content\/uploads\/2014\/05\/Christmas-Traditions.jpg?fit=639%2C480&ssl=1&resize=350%2C200","width":350,"height":200,"srcset":"https:\/\/i0.wp.com\/bonanzabrand.info\/library\/wp-content\/uploads\/2014\/05\/Christmas-Traditions.jpg?fit=639%2C480&ssl=1&resize=350%2C200 1x, https:\/\/i0.wp.com\/bonanzabrand.info\/library\/wp-content\/uploads\/2014\/05\/Christmas-Traditions.jpg?fit=639%2C480&ssl=1&resize=525%2C300 1.5x"},"classes":[]},{"id":49961,"url":"https:\/\/bonanzabrand.info\/library\/?p=49961","url_meta":{"origin":12970,"position":4},"title":"Remember, Remember (by faust)","author":"faust","date":"December 25, 2024","format":false,"excerpt":"Summary:\u00a0 No one signed up for the fourth, so this day was opened to all members in the Forums to try their hand at writing poetry for the season. Rating:\u00a0 G\u00a0 230 words Written for the 2024 Bonanza Brand Advent Calendar","rel":"","context":"In "Poetry"","block_context":{"text":"Poetry","link":"https:\/\/bonanzabrand.info\/library\/?cat=9"},"img":{"alt_text":"","src":"https:\/\/i0.wp.com\/bonanzabrand.info\/library\/wp-content\/uploads\/2014\/05\/Christmas-Traditions.jpg?fit=639%2C480&ssl=1&resize=350%2C200","width":350,"height":200,"srcset":"https:\/\/i0.wp.com\/bonanzabrand.info\/library\/wp-content\/uploads\/2014\/05\/Christmas-Traditions.jpg?fit=639%2C480&ssl=1&resize=350%2C200 1x, https:\/\/i0.wp.com\/bonanzabrand.info\/library\/wp-content\/uploads\/2014\/05\/Christmas-Traditions.jpg?fit=639%2C480&ssl=1&resize=525%2C300 1.5x"},"classes":[]},{"id":3388,"url":"https:\/\/bonanzabrand.info\/library\/?p=3388","url_meta":{"origin":12970,"position":5},"title":"Recollections of a Hairpiece (by Lily of the West)","author":"Lily of the West","date":"April 25, 2014","format":false,"excerpt":"Summary:\u00a0 an uncredited member of the Bonanza Cast finally gets to tell his story \u00a0 Rated:\u00a0K+ (1,105 words) \u00a0","rel":"","context":"In "Adam Cartwright"","block_context":{"text":"Adam Cartwright","link":"https:\/\/bonanzabrand.info\/library\/?cat=1005"},"img":{"alt_text":"","src":"https:\/\/i0.wp.com\/bonanzabrand.info\/library\/wp-content\/uploads\/2022\/11\/Bonanza-slide.jpg?fit=1086%2C815&ssl=1&resize=350%2C200","width":350,"height":200,"srcset":"https:\/\/i0.wp.com\/bonanzabrand.info\/library\/wp-content\/uploads\/2022\/11\/Bonanza-slide.jpg?fit=1086%2C815&ssl=1&resize=350%2C200 1x, https:\/\/i0.wp.com\/bonanzabrand.info\/library\/wp-content\/uploads\/2022\/11\/Bonanza-slide.jpg?fit=1086%2C815&ssl=1&resize=525%2C300 1.5x, https:\/\/i0.wp.com\/bonanzabrand.info\/library\/wp-content\/uploads\/2022\/11\/Bonanza-slide.jpg?fit=1086%2C815&ssl=1&resize=700%2C400 2x, https:\/\/i0.wp.com\/bonanzabrand.info\/library\/wp-content\/uploads\/2022\/11\/Bonanza-slide.jpg?fit=1086%2C815&ssl=1&resize=1050%2C600 3x"},"classes":[]}],"jetpack_sharing_enabled":true,"_links":{"self":[{"href":"https:\/\/bonanzabrand.info\/library\/index.php?rest_route=\/wp\/v2\/posts\/12970","targetHints":{"allow":["GET"]}}],"collection":[{"href":"https:\/\/bonanzabrand.info\/library\/index.php?rest_route=\/wp\/v2\/posts"}],"about":[{"href":"https:\/\/bonanzabrand.info\/library\/index.php?rest_route=\/wp\/v2\/types\/post"}],"author":[{"embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/bonanzabrand.info\/library\/index.php?rest_route=\/wp\/v2\/users\/44"}],"replies":[{"embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/bonanzabrand.info\/library\/index.php?rest_route=%2Fwp%2Fv2%2Fcomments&post=12970"}],"version-history":[{"count":0,"href":"https:\/\/bonanzabrand.info\/library\/index.php?rest_route=\/wp\/v2\/posts\/12970\/revisions"}],"wp:featuredmedia":[{"embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/bonanzabrand.info\/library\/index.php?rest_route=\/wp\/v2\/media\/14367"}],"wp:attachment":[{"href":"https:\/\/bonanzabrand.info\/library\/index.php?rest_route=%2Fwp%2Fv2%2Fmedia&parent=12970"}],"wp:term":[{"taxonomy":"category","embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/bonanzabrand.info\/library\/index.php?rest_route=%2Fwp%2Fv2%2Fcategories&post=12970"},{"taxonomy":"post_tag","embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/bonanzabrand.info\/library\/index.php?rest_route=%2Fwp%2Fv2%2Ftags&post=12970"}],"curies":[{"name":"wp","href":"https:\/\/api.w.org\/{rel}","templated":true}]}}