{"id":13013,"date":"2016-05-05T16:26:55","date_gmt":"2016-05-05T20:26:55","guid":{"rendered":"https:\/\/bonanzabrand.info\/library\/?p=13013"},"modified":"2025-02-18T19:10:18","modified_gmt":"2025-02-19T00:10:18","slug":"the-dead-mule-story-a-really-lost-episode-by-robin","status":"publish","type":"post","link":"https:\/\/bonanzabrand.info\/library\/?p=13013","title":{"rendered":"The Dead Mule Story (by Robin)"},"content":{"rendered":"

Summary:\u00a0 <\/strong>With these three sons, this tale should never have been told.\u00a0 They’re your sons, Ben.<\/p>\n

Rating:\u00a0 T\u00a0 (1,225 words)<\/p>\n

Author’s Note:<\/strong> \u00a0The REALLY Losts are satires of the series written with much affection, eye rolling,\u00a0\u00a0and winks. \u00a0And can be somewhat risque’.<\/em><\/p>\n

 <\/p>\n

The Dead Mule Story
\nA REALLY Lost Episode<\/strong><\/p>\n

Ben Cartwright and his sons were on the wide prairie driving their cattle, plethers and naugas to market. (Editor\u2019s note: hides from plethers and naugas are used to make the seats in Chevrolets and Laz-e-boy Loungers<\/em>)<\/p>\n

It was a hard, dirty job even for hard working, manly cowboys like the Cartwrights. Hop Sing had stocked the chuck wagon with basins of yummy, manly suppers in Tupperware for them to reheat in the campfire and gone off to a Fung Shui seminar in Stockton.<\/p>\n

Even though Ben Cartwright was a gazillionaire with the world\u2019s largest and bestest ranch, he had virtually no hands working on the Ponderosa and it was up to him and his boys to do all the work. Occasionally they would hire a worker or two, but that was only if it was an interesting guest star who fit into the stock costumes and would be killed or leave by the end of the episode. This way the stars were able to get larger salaries, the show still came in on budget and everyone got home for dinner.<\/p>\n

The first night on the dusty trail, after dinner, Ben gathered his sons around him. \u201cI want to tell you a story and hope you will learn from it, boys.\u201d<\/p>\n

The boys loved to hear their Pa tell them a good bedtime tale.<\/p>\n

\u201cLet\u2019s go do our last chores!\u201d Adam said.<\/p>\n

Hoss checked the chuck wagon for the last of the milk and apple upside- down cake that Hop Sing had sent with them and sucked down the last smidge of lard and burped. Too bad he didn\u2019t have a bit of Ben and Jerry\u2019s Chunky Monkey Ice Cream to top it off.<\/p>\n

Little Joe took one last longing look around to make sure there wasn\u2019t possibly a cowgirls boarding school nearby or a runaway troop of girl scouts, or maybe his prayers were answered and a wagon train of pretty gals was just over the hill<\/p>\n

 <\/p>\n

\u201cTell us Pa! Tell us!\u201d The cowboys grinned and cuddled up in their cowboichik matching plaid flannel nighties and quilts that served them well in the cold Nevada moonlight. They all thought women would serve them even better in terms of keeping them warm but that was a whole other issue. At least they had fluffy quilts and nighties and adorable matching sleepy hats that made Adam, Hoss and Little Joe look like Snap, Crackle and Pop, and Pa look like Smee in Peter Pan.<\/p>\n

\u201cDid you wash, brush, pee and flush?\u201d Ben asked as he tucked the boys into their quilts and fluffed up their saddles that they were using as pillows. Women would have made the night far, far more cozy but that was a whole other story. They would discuss that off camera during the commercial break.<\/p>\n

\u201cYes sir\u2026all but the flushing. We are on the wide, wide, wide prairie Pa. No flushing thing-a-ma-bobs on the range.\u201d Hoss said as he took off his big white hat and placed it safely on his saddle bag. He didn\u2019t trust it to be too close to his brothers as they often filled it with goopy horse poop while he slept and had a good laugh when Hoss got dressed in the morning.<\/p>\n

\u201cPerhaps THAT was why he was losing his hair?\u201d Hoss thought for a moment. Then he shrugged goodheartedly.<\/p>\n

\u201dNo flush toilets here\u2026just bushes, trees and gopher holes for us to water,\u201d Adam pointed out. “Maybe we should get windmill powered out houses…”<\/p>\n

Ben rolled his eyes, “Adam sometimes you go too far with this windmill stuff, son.\u00a0 Did you boys make fart noises with your arm pits and polish your horses? \u201c<\/p>\n

\u201cSure did, Pa!” The all chorused and then made an armpit fart noise that echoed off the papier-m\u00e2ch\u00e9 boulders.<\/p>\n

\u201cDid you boys spit and wipe your noses on your sleeves?\u201d<\/p>\n

\u201cAnd being manly men, we did a fine job of it.\u201d Joe said speaking for all three. He was glad there were no buttons on his sleeve to hurt his cute nose when he wiped it on the sleeve. Adam had figured that out and snipped off all the cuff buttons on his brother\u2019s garments as well as his own black shirts.<\/p>\n

\u201c\u2026. and say your prayers?”<\/p>\n

They immediately prayed mighty hard, just as Pa had told him. The boys always did what their Pa told them to do unless they didn\u2019t.<\/p>\n

“And you know what I prayed for Pa?\u201d<\/p>\n

\u201cWhat, son,\u201d Ben said paternally.<\/p>\n

\u201cA wagon train filled with pretty gals!” Little Joe said sweetly.<\/p>\n

“Us too, Pa!” Hoss and Adam said nodding their heads like handsome cowboy bobble headed dolls.<\/p>\n

“Three wagon trains…at least one of those doomed women should live long enough to give me at least one grandchild.” Ben nodded. “Keep prayin’, boys! Pray hard and long. Pray, boys, pray!”<\/p>\n

\u201cYes sir!\u201d Adam, Hoss and Little Joe said. \u201cEvery night!\u201d<\/p>\n

For an instant everyone was silent as they listened to the howl of a wolf and the hoot of an owl telling knock-knock jokes.<\/p>\n

\u201cStory Time!\u201d the Cartwright brothers demanded. \u201cWe want a story, Pa!\u201d<\/p>\n

Ben sighed and started his story. \u201cA city boy, Velvil, moved to the west and bought a mule from an old rancher for $100. The rancher agreed to deliver the mule the next day. The next day, the rancher drove up to Velvil\u2019s ranch, the Circle V, in his buck board and said, “Sorry, but I have some bad news. The mule just up and died.”<\/p>\n

“Well, then, just give me my money back!\u201d said Velvil.<\/p>\n

“Can’t do that. I went and spent it already,\u201d the other rancher said.<\/p>\n

“OK, then. Just unload the mule.”<\/p>\n

“What ‘ya gonna do with him?”<\/p>\n

“I’m going to raffle him off,\u201d he answered.<\/p>\n

“You can’t raffle off a dead mule!”<\/p>\n

“Sure I can. Watch me. I just won’t tell anybody he’s dead.”<\/p>\n

A month later the rancher met up with the city boy and asked, “What happened with that dead mule?”<\/p>\n

“I raffled him off. I sold 500 tickets at two dollars apiece and made a gross profit of $900.”<\/p>\n

“Didn’t anyone complain?”<\/p>\n

“Only the guy who won the dead mule. So I gave him his two dollars back.”<\/p>\n

The boys silently looked into the crackling camp fire wishing they had a microwave oven to make some peep s\u2019mores…. left over Marshmallow Easter chickies (aka PEEPS), Hershey bars and graham crackers nuked until they burbled. Roy Coffee made that recipe up as a treat on spring posse when the men were extremely efficient in catching the villains. Doc Martin even used that molten peep stuff for a poultice when folks got shot or snake bit or to glue on toupees.<\/p>\n

\u201cNow, what do you make of this story boys? Ben looked at his sons. “What is the lesson we learned?” Ben was very didactic. Every tale he told had a lesson for his sons as well as the audience.<\/p>\n

\u201dHonesty is the best policy?\u201d Hoss said sincerely. He was honest and sincere.<\/p>\n

\u201cBe cautious about plans that are not exactingly investigated and well thought out?\u201d Adam said. \u201cAnd there is always a good story in any experience?\u201d<\/p>\n

\u201cAnd you Joseph?\u201d Ben looked expectantly at his youngest and most adorable son. “Do you have any questions?”<\/p>\n

\u201cWhere do we get a mule?\u201d smiled Little Joe. \u201cAnd did that mule guy have a pretty daughter?\u201d<\/p>\n

*****End*****<\/p>\n

 <\/p>\n

Revised May 2016<\/p>\n

 <\/p>\n

 <\/p>\n

Tags:\u00a0 Adam Cartwright,\u00a0Ben Cartwright,\u00a0Hoss Cartwright,\u00a0Joe \/ Little Joe Cartwright,\u00a0tongue-in-cheek<\/p>\n

 <\/p>\n","protected":false},"excerpt":{"rendered":"

Summary:\u00a0 With these three sons, this tale should never have been told.\u00a0 They’re your sons, Ben.<\/p>\n

Rating:\u00a0 T\u00a0 (1,225 words)<\/p>\n","protected":false},"author":44,"featured_media":14367,"comment_status":"open","ping_status":"closed","sticky":false,"template":"template-full-width-post.php","format":"standard","meta":{"_jetpack_newsletter_access":"","_jetpack_dont_email_post_to_subs":false,"_jetpack_newsletter_tier_id":0,"_jetpack_memberships_contains_paywalled_content":false,"_jetpack_hide_featured_image":false,"_jetpack_featured_image_duplicate_dismissed":0,"_jetpack_feature_clip_id":0,"_jetpack_memberships_contains_paid_content":false,"footnotes":"","jetpack_publicize_message":"","jetpack_publicize_feature_enabled":true,"jetpack_social_post_already_shared":false,"jetpack_social_options":{"image_generator_settings":{"template":"highway","default_image_id":0,"font":"","enabled":false},"version":2},"jetpack_post_was_ever_published":false},"categories":[4],"tags":[],"class_list":["post-13013","post","type-post","status-publish","format-standard","has-post-thumbnail","hentry","category-humor","wpcat-4-id"],"jetpack_publicize_connections":[],"jetpack_likes_enabled":true,"jetpack_sharing_enabled":true,"jetpack_featured_media_url":"https:\/\/i0.wp.com\/bonanzabrand.info\/library\/wp-content\/uploads\/2017\/06\/ARLE-e1497282889671.png?fit=570%2C416&ssl=1","_links":{"self":[{"href":"https:\/\/bonanzabrand.info\/library\/index.php?rest_route=\/wp\/v2\/posts\/13013","targetHints":{"allow":["GET"]}}],"collection":[{"href":"https:\/\/bonanzabrand.info\/library\/index.php?rest_route=\/wp\/v2\/posts"}],"about":[{"href":"https:\/\/bonanzabrand.info\/library\/index.php?rest_route=\/wp\/v2\/types\/post"}],"author":[{"embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/bonanzabrand.info\/library\/index.php?rest_route=\/wp\/v2\/users\/44"}],"replies":[{"embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/bonanzabrand.info\/library\/index.php?rest_route=%2Fwp%2Fv2%2Fcomments&post=13013"}],"version-history":[{"count":0,"href":"https:\/\/bonanzabrand.info\/library\/index.php?rest_route=\/wp\/v2\/posts\/13013\/revisions"}],"wp:featuredmedia":[{"embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/bonanzabrand.info\/library\/index.php?rest_route=\/wp\/v2\/media\/14367"}],"wp:attachment":[{"href":"https:\/\/bonanzabrand.info\/library\/index.php?rest_route=%2Fwp%2Fv2%2Fmedia&parent=13013"}],"wp:term":[{"taxonomy":"category","embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/bonanzabrand.info\/library\/index.php?rest_route=%2Fwp%2Fv2%2Fcategories&post=13013"},{"taxonomy":"post_tag","embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/bonanzabrand.info\/library\/index.php?rest_route=%2Fwp%2Fv2%2Ftags&post=13013"}],"curies":[{"name":"wp","href":"https:\/\/api.w.org\/{rel}","templated":true}]}}