Summary:<\/b> \u00a0This is the missing final scene that I would have liked to see-the one that tied up all the loose ends. A story in 4 voices.<\/p>\n
Rating:\u00a0 G\u00a0 (10,090 words)<\/p>\n
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Death at Dawn…A Missing Scene<\/strong><\/p>\n I have never been so relieved to see anyone in my life as I was to see my father walking down the street with Sam Bryant. In spite of having his hands tied behind him, he looked fine. Even from the distance I was, I could see Sam Bryant sweating. He was scared. I wondered briefly what Pa had said to him to put the fear of God into him, but then the shooting started and I didn\u2019t have time for thought. Once the smoke had cleared I joined my brothers in rushing over and helping my father to his feet.<\/p>\n \u201cAre you all right, Pa?\u201d Joe asked.<\/p>\n \u201cI\u2019m fine, \u201c he said. Then his face lit and he said, \u201cYou know what? You boys look awful good to me.\u201d The relief in his voice told me how hard the night had been for him too, but I knew he would never say so. He slid his arm round my shoulders and the four of us walked down the street together. As it should be.<\/p>\n \u201cPa, I think you should go see the doctor,\u201d I said.<\/p>\n He shook his head. \u201cNo. There\u2019s no need. I\u2019m fine. What I want to do is go home, have a meal and a bath and a few hours\u2019 sleep. And you boys could do with that too. The chores can wait a bit.\u201d<\/p>\n \u201cSure sounds good to me, Pa,\u201d Hoss said.<\/p>\n \u201cYeah, me too.\u201d Joe was pressed hard up against Pa, trying to be as close as he could.<\/p>\n \u201cAdam?\u201d Pa asked, when I didn\u2019t reply.<\/p>\n \u201cI can\u2019t just yet. I\u2019m acting sheriff, so I\u2019ve got to tie things up here. You go on. I\u2019ll be home as soon as I can.\u201d<\/p>\n \u201cCan\u2019t face Pa, huh?\u201d Joe hissed at\u00a0 me, but quietly so Pa didn\u2019t hear. I ignored him.<\/p>\n \u201cWhere\u2019s the Sheriff?\u201d<\/p>\n \u201cHe got shot. Adam here took charge,\u201d Hoss indicated me with a turn of his head.<\/p>\n Pa\u2019s gaze settled on me thoughtfully. \u201cI\u2019m sure you did what needed to be done. You go ahead, son. We\u2019ll see you at home.\u201d<\/p>\n I watched them ride out and then turned to my duties. It took the better part of the day to deal with the formalities and get the dead buried. I was bone-tired by the time I arrived home just before supper.<\/p>\n Pa was sitting at his desk working on the books. I examined him carefully. You would never have known the ordeal he\u2019d been through just by looking at him.<\/p>\n He looked up as I came in. \u201cYou look tired, son. There\u2019s time for a bath before supper if you want it.\u201d<\/p>\n My face must have told him how much I wanted that bath because he didn\u2019t wait for an answer but called to Hop Sing to bring the water for one. \u201cWhere are Hoss and Joe?\u201d I asked.<\/p>\n \u201cI sent Joe to go and break some horses. He needed to let off some steam.\u201d I wondered what had been said in my absence.<\/p>\n \u201cThey tell you what happened?\u201d I asked. I wanted to know what my father thought. No, I needed to know what my father thought; needed to know if he would forgive me for gambling with his life.<\/p>\n \u201cThey told me the bare bones.\u201d He yawned. \u201cI said we\u2019d discuss the rest after supper. I was too tired to listen.\u201d<\/p>\n Ah, I thought, That explains why Pa sent him off to break horses. My little brother does tend to get overexcited.<\/p>\n \u201cI take it you got all the loose ends tied up?” Pa asked.<\/p>\n \u201cYeah. I don\u2019t think I\u2019ll take up professional sheriffing as a career,\u201d I said. He nodded but he didn\u2019t say anything else. I went to have that much-wanted bath.<\/p>\n Supper was a pleasant enough meal, for all I was so tired-at least as long as I didn\u2019t look at Joe. Every time I looked at him he was glaring at me. He was angry with me, still, even though everything had turned out fine. I\u2019d have to talk to him later. Sort things out. I still believed I\u2019d done the right thing, but I would have found it far less difficult if I\u2019d had my brothers\u2019 support. Oh, sure, they\u2019d come around to backing me, but it hadn\u2019t made the burden easier. That stuff of Joe\u2019s about \u2018my Pa\u201d really hurt, but what hurt even more had been Hoss\u2019 defection. I had expected Joe\u2019s outburst-he\u2019s only a kid, after all, but I\u2019d thought I could count on Hoss, and it hurt me very much that he hadn\u2019t supported me. When he asked me, \u2018what if you\u2019re wrong?\u201d as if I\u2019d made the decision as lightly as I would have decided what to have for breakfast, it hurt.\u00a0 Of course I\u2019d thought of that-as I\u2019d told Joe, he is my father too- and I love my father very much. If\u00a0 I\u2019d been wrong, I\u2019d have had to live with the consequences of my decision every day for the rest of my life.<\/p>\n \u201cAdam?\u201d Pa\u2019s voice penetrated my thoughts. \u201cWould you pour me a glass of brandy, please?\u201d<\/p>\n I smiled at him as I crossed the room to do so. \u201cAnyone else want one?\u201d I asked as I poured myself one. It had been a long hard day and I thought I deserved it. There were no other takers, so I settled myself in the chair opposite Pa as he sat relaxed in his great leather chair. He lit his pipe carefully, then looked up — first at me, then at Hoss and Joe.<\/p>\n \u201cI wanted to tell you, boys, that I\u2019m proud of what you did today. I\u2019m so glad that you acted just as I\u00a0 expected you would.\u201d<\/p>\n My brothers glanced across at me quickly, almost sheepishly, but said nothing. The silenced lengthened,\u00a0 and I felt impelled to break it. Pa was looking a little worried.<\/p>\n \u201cThank you, Pa. It was perhaps the hardest decision\u00a0 I\u2019ve ever had to make. I\u2019m glad it was the right one.\u201d I said softly. I tried not to emphasise the \u201cI\u201d; to mask my hurt and disappointment. I didn\u2019t want to cause my father any pain, but it was hard. I hadn\u2019t realised just how hurt I was by the previous night\u2019s events<\/p>\n \u201cYou look very tired son. I think it would be a good idea if you went to bed soon.\u201d<\/p>\n I sighed. Here I was twenty eight years old, and my father was still sending me to bed. In this case, though, I didn\u2019t feel much like arguing about it.<\/p>\n \u201cIt must have been very difficult, Adam, but I\u2019m sure it was easier for you with your brothers helping.\u201d He tried to ease things for me a bit.<\/p>\n \u201cYeah, sure, Pa,\u201d I said. I tried not to let any emotion peep through. My father is sometimes a very perceptive man.<\/p>\n Pa\u2019s attention was caught by Joe\u2019s sudden movement, which relieved me. I wasn\u2019t sure I could stand the piercing scrutiny my father was giving me. Hoss wiped his hands on his pants legs and took a deep breath.<\/p>\n \u201cWe didn\u2019t help Adam, Pa,\u201d he admitted, shamefaced. \u201cWe didn\u2019t want him to let Farmer Perkins hang.\u201d<\/p>\n Pa raised an eyebrow and considered my two brothers for a long moment. \u201cI see,\u201d he said. There was silence again, then Hoss turned to me.<\/p>\n \u201cWe were wrong, Adam, I\u2019m sorry,\u201d he said. Hoss looked very uncomfortable and I took pity on him.<\/p>\n \u201cThat\u2019s okay, Hoss. I might have just as easily been wrong. I did take a big gamble, and if I\u2019d\u00a0 been wrong, I\u2019d\u2026\u201d I couldn\u2019t finish the sentence past the lump in my throat that suddenly choked me.<\/p>\n Pa nodded, as if agreeing with something. Then he looked directly at Joe. \u201cAnd you, Joseph?\u201d he asked.<\/p>\n \u201cI\u2019m NOT sorry!\u201d Joe yelled. \u201cHe gambled with your life, Pa! He was prepared to risk your life, my Pa\u2019s life, just because he always thinks he\u2019s right!\u201d<\/p>\n I couldn\u2019t help it. I flinched as though Joe had struck me. Every time he said that it cut deeper.<\/p>\n Pa shook his head, then he rose and stood next to me, clasping my shoulders, and massaging them gently. \u201cI am also Adam\u2019s and Hoss\u2019 father, Joseph.\u201d Gentle as his voice was, the reprimand was clear. Joe flushed. He hated Pa to scold him. \u201cAnd didn\u2019t you think that what you wanted to do was right?\u201d<\/p>\n \u201cYeah, I guess so,\u201d Joe muttered. He looked up and met Pa\u2019s eyes. Pa was still gently massaging my shoulders. It felt very good. I raised my hand and rested it on top of Pa\u2019s. He stopped massaging and patted my hand, comfortingly.<\/p>\n Joe watched Pa for a moment then let all his grievances rip. I think he felt that Pa didn\u2019t understand how he felt. But then, that was Joe. He couldn\u2019t understand that the right decision is often the hardest one. He is still very young. He burst out, \u201cI was afraid, Pa. I thought I\u2019d never see you again, and Adam was just bein\u2019 so logical like it was all a game to him, like he didn\u2019t care, just working it all out instead of\u2026.\u201d<\/p>\n \u201cInstead of going off half-cocked,\u201d I snapped, unable to stop myself. \u201cI told you giving in to Bryant was a sure way to get Pa killed.\u201d My voice shook. I turned abruptly from them and stared into the fire, trying to regain my control.<\/p>\n Pa squeezed my shoulder again then told Hoss and Joe to go. Joe opened his mouth to argue, but Pa frowned at him. \u201cGo on, Joseph,\u201d he said. \u201cI\u2019ll be up to talk to you soon.\u201d<\/p>\n Once they\u2019d gone he turned his attention to me. I was staring into the fire when he said my name, softly,\u00a0\u201cAdam.\u201d<\/p>\n I wasn\u2019t sure I wanted to face him. Joe\u2019s words had pierced my carefully constructed armour of justification and I hurt. \u201cJoe\u2019s right, you know, Pa. I did think my way was the right way. And suppose I\u2019d been wrong?\u201d<\/p>\n \u201cIt wouldn\u2019t have been much comfort for you, I know, but you would have known you\u2019d done your best,\u201d Pa said. \u201cYou know that\u2019s all I ask of you-that you do your best and you try to do what I\u2019ve taught you.\u201d<\/p>\n \u201cYou\u2019re right. It wouldn\u2019t have been much comfort.\u201d My voice thickened. I was suddenly fighting to hold back the tears that threatened.<\/p>\n Pa came back and put his hands on my shoulders again. That physical contact felt so good. \u201cSon, I would have done exactly the same thing if it had been one of you boys.\u201d<\/p>\n I twisted round in my seat and stared up at my father, searching his face. That was the one thing he could have said that I would find even remotely comforting. I knew that nothing would force my father to allow anyone to hurt one of us.<\/p>\n \u201cYou couldn\u2019t have done anything else. If you\u2019d given in to Bryant, I\u2019d probably be dead now. A man like Bryant needs to operate on fear. How better to take over the town than by killing me? And setting it up so he could blame my sons? No, son, I know what you did was hard, but it had to be done. I knew I could put my trust in you, and I\u2019m proud and grateful.\u201d<\/p>\n I swallowed hard, overwhelmed by my father\u2019s words. \u201cThanks, Pa,\u201d I said, just whispering. I didn\u2019t really trust my voice.<\/p>\n \u201cAdam,\u201d Pa said. \u201cDon\u2019t stew over this. You did what had to be done. I don\u2019t hold you at fault, and you shouldn\u2019t let it worry you. Don\u2019t let Joe worry you either.\u201d<\/p>\n I smiled half-heartedly at him. I know my baby brother. Pa smiled back.\u00a0 So did he. \u201cI\u2019ll go and talk to him. I won\u2019t tell him that what he wanted to do was more than likely to get me killed. He doesn\u2019t need the burden.\u201d<\/p>\n \u201cI guess not, but it might make him think before he loses that temper of his,\u201d I said, getting some relief from sniping at Joe.<\/p>\n \u201cPossibly,\u201d Pa said, laughing, \u201cbut I doubt it. He just needs to mature a little. It\u2019s time you got some sleep.\u201d<\/p>\n I didn\u2019t feel like arguing with him, so together we turned off lamps and banked the fire. As I lay in my bed later I turned the conversation we\u2019d had over and over in my mind. Pa made good sense, and I was relieved to know that my father thought I\u2019d done the right thing, but I still wondered. Suppose I had been wrong? How could I have borne the burden of knowing that I had been responsible for my father\u2019s death?<\/p>\n I didn\u2019t sleep well that night, in spite of my weariness.<\/p>\n HOSS<\/b><\/p>\n Seeing Pa walk down the street with Bryant was one of the happiest moments of my life. I know Adam\u2019s arguments for lettin\u2019 Farmer hang were good ones but as Joe said, \u201cthis was my Pa\u2019s life Adam was gambling with.\u201d I probably shoulda known it would be all right-I bin puttin\u2019 my trust in Adam\u2019s brains for a long while now.<\/p>\n I rushed forward with Adam and Joe to help him to his feet. \u201cYou boys look awfully good to me,\u201d he said as he slid his arms around Adam\u2019s and Joe\u2019s shoulders. I wasn\u2019t jealous of either of \u2018em. Pa would get round to me, but right now both my brothers needed the comfort Pa could give them.<\/p>\n We left Adam in town tyin\u2019 up the loose ends and being sheriff. Adam tried to persuade Pa to see the Doc, but o\u2019 course he wouldn\u2019t. \u201cI just want to go home,\u201d he said. I dunno what it was Joe said to Adam before we left, but whatever it was hurt Adam. Sometimes that boy don\u2019t think too clearly. Adam was hurtin\u2019 enough. I didn\u2019t get much of a chance to say much during the ride home-Joe was chatterin\u2019 like a magpie. I\u2019m sure Pa didn\u2019t take in a quarter of what he was sayin\u2019. Just as well-I wanted to talk to Joe myself before Adam came home.<\/p>\n By the time we\u2019d had a bath and one of Hop Sing\u2019s delicious breakfasts Joe had wound down. He was so tired he fell asleep at the table. It\u2019s bin a while since I carried my little brother upstairs to bed like that, but he didn\u2019t even stir.<\/p>\n \u201cPoor kid is plum tuckered out,\u201d I said softly to Pa. Pa smiled and pulled the blanket up over him, tucking him in. I grinned. Joe would sure have squawked if Pa did that when he was awake, but I guess Pa needed to baby him a bit.<\/p>\n \u201cYou go to bed, too, Hoss,\u201d he said. I didn\u2019t need to be told twice. I think I was asleep before he\u2019d even left the room.<\/p>\n By the time I woke, it was getting towards afternoon. Pa was sittin\u2019 at his desk, working on the books, and Joe was prowling around the room with a plate of sandwiches. Pa smiled as he looked up and saw me. \u201cSleep well, Hoss?\u201d he asked.<\/p>\n \u201cSure, Pa. Now all I need is some food an\u2019 I\u2019ll be right as rain.\u201d I headed towards the table where there was another plate of sandwiches.<\/p>\n \u201cGood, because when you\u2019ve had something to eat, I want you and Joseph to go out to the corrals. Those horses won\u2019t get broken by themselves.\u201d<\/p>\n Joe looked kinda sad at that. \u201cCan\u2019t ya find Joe something to do here?\u201d I asked, feeling sorry for him.<\/p>\n Pa was real firm in his answer. I think he wanted to get Joe out of the house before he wore a hole in the floor!<\/p>\n The men had the horse-breaking well in hand, but I knew Pa wanted to give Joe a chance to work off some steam. I figgered that it would be best to talk to him after he\u2019d done a bit of work. He\u2019d ridden two horses to a standstill and was starting to look much more cheerful so I decided to tackle him.<\/p>\n \u201cJoe, about Adam,\u201d I began. There was no point beating about the bush with Joe. I didn\u2019t get a chance to say much else.<\/p>\n \u201cI don\u2019t want to talk about him, \u201c he snarled at me. \u201cI don\u2019t want to talk to him either.\u201d<\/p>\n \u201cYou don\u2019t have to talk, but you do have to listen,\u201d I told him.<\/p>\n \u201cI don\u2019t. And I won\u2019t,\u201d He dashed off across the corral.<\/p>\n \u201cJoe\u201d I yelled, as he raced across the corral, heedless of the danger, and climbed up onto the back of the horse there in the chute.\u00a0 I couldn\u2019t stop him. Weren\u2019t nothing I could do with the boy in that mood. I\u2019d try again later. I hate ta see my brothers at odds. I figured I had ta make peace with Adam myself. I knew he was only tryin\u2019 to do what he thought was right, and I shoulda backed him. I would have too, but I couldn\u2019ta stood it if anything had happened to Pa. He\u2019s always bin there. But so\u2019s Adam, an\u2019 I knew I hurt him by not backin\u2019 him. Adam would never do anything to hurt Pa and I shoulda known that. The pain in his voice when I asked him \u2018what if he was wrong\u2019 and he\u2019d said, \u201cDon\u2019t you think I thought of that?\u201d Adam wouldn\u2019t be able to shake that off for a while. Adam don\u2019t wear his heart on his sleeve, and it takes a lot to get under his skin, but I don\u2019t think I\u2019ve ever heard him say anythin\u2019 with so much pain and fear in his voice.<\/p>\n I grabbed Joe before he could get on another horse and held him. He squirmed, but he couldn\u2019t get outta my grip and I wasn\u2019t goin\u2019 ta let go until I\u2019d talked to him.<\/p>\n \u201cNow you listen, Joe. No matter what you think about what Adam done, you ain\u2019t helpin\u2019 matters by fussin\u2019 at him. An\u2019 ya know how Pa feels about us fightin\u2019 with each other.\u201d<\/p>\n Joe nodded. Pa gets real mad when we fight. He always says\u00a0 brothers should stand by each other.<\/p>\n \u201cYeah, I know, but I\u2019m never going to forgive him!\u201d Joe yelled. The hands ignored him. They were used to Joe. Joe never does anything half-heartedly. Whatever it is, he puts his whole self into it.<\/p>\n \u201cYou don\u2019t havta forgive him,\u201d I said. \u201cYou just havta not start on him when Pa\u2019s around. You don\u2019t wanta upset Pa, do ya?\u201d I used my trump card.<\/p>\n \u201cOkay\u201d, he agreed a little sourly. \u201cBut for Pa. Not for Adam.\u201d<\/p>\n That was all I wanted. By tomorrow Joe would have simmered down and Pa or Adam would have sorted things out for him. He\u2019s just a kid.<\/p>\n Suppertime came, and it was a good one. Hop Sing makes the best roast beef I ever tasted, and the roast potatoes and biscuits were delicious. I enjoyed it a lot anyway. I don\u2019t know whether anyone else did. Joe kept glaring at Adam, but that was all, so I could pay proper attention to the meal. Adam looked exhausted, but then he hadn\u2019t had a chance to have any sleep. I could see the bath he\u2019d had had perked him up a bit, but my older brother was bone tired, anyone could see. I was glad I\u2019d had a chance to talk to Joe.<\/p>\n We sat in front of the fire after supper-me and Joe on the settee, Adam on the blue chair and Pa in his red leather one. Adam and Pa had a glass of brandy. I don\u2019t like brandy much. I prefer beer. And Joe for all he thinks he\u2019s grown up don\u2019t like it much either. Pa lit his pipe carefully, then he said,<\/p>\n \u201cI wanted to tell you, boys, that I\u2019m proud of what you did today. I\u2019m so glad that you acted just as I\u00a0 expected you would.\u201d<\/p>\n I glanced at Adam, but I didn\u2019t say anythin\u2019. The silence got longer until Adam said,\u00a0\u201cThank you, Pa. It was perhaps the hardest decision\u00a0 I\u2019ve ever had to make. I\u2019m glad it was the right one.\u201d<\/p>\n His voice was real soft. It was hard to hear him. Pa looked at him for a while then he told Adam he should go to bed. I nearly laughed at that. Adam has complained I dunno how many times about Pa sendin\u2019 him to bed like a kid. He didn\u2019t say nuthin\u2019 though. I guess he was too tired to argue about it.<\/p>\n Then Pa said, \u201cIt must have been very difficult, Adam, but I\u2019m sure it was easier for you with your brothers helping.\u201d<\/p>\n \u201cYeah, sure, Pa,\u201d Adam said. It was just like Adam not to bring anythin\u2019 of our squabbles to Pa\u2019s attention. He\u2019s bin doin\u2019 that for years. There\u2019s bin more than one time when we was kids that Adam took the blame for somethin\u2019 I\u2019d done.<\/p>\n Joe moved which caught Pa\u2019s attention so he stopped lookin\u2019 at Adam and looked at us instead. I looked over at Adam. His eyes were so sad. My hands were suddenly all sweaty. I wiped \u2018em on my pants legs an\u2019 confessed, \u201cWe didn\u2019t help Adam, Pa. We didn\u2019t want him to let Farmer Perkins hang.\u201d<\/p>\n Pa raised an eyebrow and looked at me an\u2019 Joe without sayin\u2019 anything\u2019 for a while then he just said, \u201cI see.\u201d Made me feel even worse, so I decided now was as good a time as any to apologise to Adam.<\/p>\n \u201cWe were wrong, Adam, I\u2019m sorry.\u201d Adam of course accepted my apology, but as usual took his share of the blame.<\/p>\n \u201cThat\u2019s Okay, Hoss. I might have just as easily been wrong. I did take a big gamble, and if I\u2019d\u00a0 been wrong, I\u2019d\u2026\u201d He stopped, all choked up.<\/p>\n Pa nodded, as if agreeing with something. Then he looked directly at Joe. \u201cAnd you, Joseph?\u201d he asked.<\/p>\n \u201cI\u2019m NOT sorry!\u201d Joe yelled. \u201cHe gambled with your life, Pa! He was prepared to risk your life, my Pa\u2019s life, just because he always thinks he\u2019s right!\u201d<\/p>\n I saw Adam flinch as if Joe had hit him. Pa didn\u2019t look at all pleased with Joe but he went across to Adam to comfort him. He didn\u2019t shout at Joe, but I think that made his point even better than yellin\u2019 might have done.<\/p>\n \u201cI am also Adam\u2019s and Hoss\u2019 father, Joseph. And didn\u2019t you think that what you wanted to do was right?\u201d<\/p>\n \u201cYeah, I guess so,\u201d Joe muttered. He\u00a0 watched Pa massaging Adam\u2019s shoulders with a bit of jealousy, I think. Then he let it all out. \u201cI was afraid, Pa. I thought I\u2019d never see you again, and Adam was just bein\u2019 so logical like it was all a game to him, like he didn\u2019t care, just working it all out instead of\u2026.\u201d<\/p>\n \u201cInstead of going off half-cocked,\u201d Adam snapped. \u201cI told you giving in to Bryant was a sure way to get Pa killed.\u201d Adam\u2019s voice shook. He tried to get ahold of himself, and then Pa sent me and Joe to bed. Joe wanted to argue, but Pa insisted. He wanted to talk to Adam<\/p>\n Joe didn\u2019t want to talk to me, so I didn\u2019t push. Pa would straighten him out. Going to bed was a real good idea. I\u2019d just got into bed when Pa tapped on my door.<\/p>\n \u201cMind if I speak to you, son?\u201d he asked. He sat down on the end of my bed.<\/p>\n \u201cYou all right, Hoss?\u201d he asked.<\/p>\n I nodded. \u201cSure. I\u2019m real glad everythin\u2019 turned out okay, Pa.\u201d I said. He smiled and patted my leg.<\/p>\n \u201cSo am I, son. So am I.\u201d He was quiet for a bit, then he said, \u201cI guess last night was hard on us all.\u201d<\/p>\n I agreed. \u201cJoe\u2019s takin\u2019 it real hard, Pa,\u201d I said. \u201cYa won\u2019t be too mad with him, will ya?\u201d<\/p>\n \u201cI\u2019m not mad with him. I just don\u2019t want him to make it harder than it needs to be on Adam. You know how Adam takes things to heart.\u201d<\/p>\n I sure did. Adam would brood over this for a long time. He wouldn\u2019t talk about it, just bottle it up inside of him. And if Joe needled him about it, there would be fur flyin\u2019 sooner or later.<\/p>\n \u201cI tried ta talk to Joe, Pa, but he didn\u2019t want to listen,\u201d I said.<\/p>\n He patted my leg again. \u201cI\u2019ll talk to him.\u201d He smiled, and I could see how tired he was.<\/p>\n \u201cPa? Would you have done the same thing if it had been one of us?\u201d I asked, suddenly wanting to know.<\/p>\n Pa nodded. \u201cThat\u2019s just what I told Adam. That I would have hanged Perkins if it had been one of you in there.\u201d<\/p>\n I didn\u2019t say anythin\u2019 but I suddenly felt a whole lot better. I\u2019d fix things up properly between Adam and me tomorrow. Pa got up and said \u2018goodnight\u2019, and so did I. I felt like I\u2019d sleep real well tonight.<\/p>\n JOE<\/b><\/p>\n When my Pa walked down the street I felt so happy I thought I was gunna burst. I mean he was still tied up and he was with Bryant, but he was alive. I raced over to him after all the shooting was over and helped him to his feet. \u201cAre you all right, Pa?\u201d I asked him anxiously.<\/p>\n \u201cI\u2019m fine,\u201d he assured me. Then he smiled a real big smile and said \u201cYou know what? You boys look awful good to me!\u201d<\/p>\n Then he slid his arm around my shoulder. I had been afraid I\u2019d never feel my Pa\u2019s arm around my shoulder again, so it felt specially good.<\/p>\n We all walked down the street together. Pa wanted to go straight home to have a bath and a meal and a sleep, which all sounded really good to me. Even better when he said we could leave the chores! Adam wouldn\u2019t come though. He said he had to tie things up because he was acting sheriff, but I knew the real reason.<\/p>\n \u201cCan\u2019t face Pa, huh?\u201d I asked him, but real quiet so Pa didn\u2019t hear. I don\u2019t know whether Adam heard me or not-he didn\u2019t say anything.<\/p>\n All the way home I told Pa about everything that had gone on while he had been held hostage. He just let me talk though. He didn\u2019t say much. Hoss didn\u2019t say much either. I figured they were both tired. We got home and had that promised breakfast, but the excitement was beginning to wear off, and I must have fallen asleep at the table because when I woke later I was in my own bed. I got up to find Pa already up and working at the books. I went over to the desk.<\/p>\n He looked up and smiled at me. \u201cSleep well, Joseph?\u201d he asked.<\/p>\n I nodded. \u201cSure Pa. Can I help you with that?\u201d<\/p>\n He raised an eyebrow in that way he has-I wish I could do that like Pa and Adam do. I grinned. I don\u2019t usually like working on the books. I\u2019d rather be out doing something.<\/p>\n \u201cNo, thank you,\u201d Pa said. \u201cWhy don\u2019t you go find yourself something to eat and me a cup of coffee?\u201d<\/p>\n \u201cTrying to get rid of me?\u201d<\/p>\n \u201cNo. I just want a cup of coffee. And when your brother gets up I want you to go down to help the horse breakers.\u201d<\/p>\n I was disappointed. I kinda wanted to be with him today. \u201cCouldn\u2019t I stay here with you?\u201d I asked. I put my best puppy dog look on too.<\/p>\n Pa grinned a bit at the look on my face but shook his head. He reached out and patted my arm gently.\u00a0 \u201cNo. I\u2019ve wasted too much time with this Bryant business and there is work to be done. Besides, I thought you liked working with the horses.\u201d<\/p>\n I do, so I went out to get a sandwich and Pa\u2019s coffee. There was no point arguing with Pa. Hop Sing had a huge pile of sandwiches on a plate and the coffee was on the stove so I didn\u2019t really have any excuse. Pa thanked me for the coffee then went back to what he was doing. I tried to sit down to eat my sandwiches, but I was too restless.<\/p>\n I walked around the room, munching on my sandwich and waiting for Hoss to wake up. It wasn\u2019t all that long till he did-maybe twenty minutes or so, but it felt like forever. A couple of times Pa told me to sit down. I tried, but I just couldn\u2019t sit still.<\/p>\n When Hoss came downstairs, I could see him eyeing off my sandwiches, but Hop Sing had brought another plate out and put it on the table. He ate them and we headed out towards the horses. He tried to help-he asked Pa if there wasn\u2019t anything I could do inside but Pa was quite definite that the horses needed our attention. Just as well, I guess. I couldn\u2019t settle inside anyway. Every time I thought of how close to death my Pa had been I got angry with Adam all over again.<\/p>\n I rode two horses to a standstill. They would be good horses. I had my eye particularly on a lovely chestnut mare. She was a gentle animal, even before I rode her and she seemed to like me. She wasn\u2019t my Cochise, of course, but she\u2019d be good to add to our stock. I was beginning to feel much better when Hoss went and spoiled it all.<\/p>\n \u201cJoe, about Adam,\u201d he started to say when I cut him off.<\/p>\n \u201cI don\u2019t want to talk about him!\u201d I yelled at Hoss. \u201cI don\u2019t want to talk to him either.\u201d<\/p>\n \u201cYou don\u2019t have to talk, but you do have to listen,\u201d he said, but I wasn\u2019t having any. \u201cI don\u2019t. And I won\u2019t!\u201d I yelled at him then I raced across the corral to the horse waiting there. I wasn\u2019t going to talk about Adam. He nearly got my Pa killed. I heard Hoss yell,\u00a0\u201cJoe!\u201d but I wasn\u2019t going to listen.<\/p>\n This horse proved much harder to break, but I think that might have been because I was so mad. Not just with Adam, but with Hoss too. I\u2019d been feeling better and he\u2019d had to go and mention that smart-alec brother of mine. Adam always thinks it has to be his way. He isn\u2019t always right, even if he thinks he is.<\/p>\n Hoss grabbed me while I was resting between horses. I struggled, but I knew it was a waste of time. There is no way I can get out of his grip if he\u2019s determined to hold onto me, so I stopped squirming and let him talk.<\/p>\n \u201cNow you listen, Joe. No matter what you think about what Adam done, you ain\u2019t helpin\u2019 matters by fussin\u2019 at him. An\u2019 ya know how Pa feels about us fightin\u2019 with each other.\u201d<\/p>\n I nodded. Pa gets real mad when we fight. He always says brothers should stand by each other.<\/p>\n \u201cYeah, I know, but I\u2019m never going to forgive him!\u201d I yelled at Hoss. He shrugged.<\/p>\n \u201cYou don\u2019t havta forgive him,\u201d he said. \u201cYou just havta not start on him when Pa\u2019s around. You don\u2019t wanta upset Pa, do ya?\u201d There was no way I wanted to upset Pa so I agreed, reluctantly.<\/p>\n \u201cOkay. But for Pa. Not for Adam.\u201d I wasn\u2019t going to ever forgive Adam.<\/p>\n Adam got home just before supper so I didn\u2019t have to talk to him anyway. I glared at him whenever he caught my eye, so after a while he simply didn\u2019t even look at me, which was fine with me. I was so mad with him. It was a good supper too.\u00a0 After supper we went to sit in front of the fire. Hoss and I on the settee, Adam on the blue chair and Pa in his red leather one. Adam and Pa had a glass of brandy. I might have had one if Adam hadn\u2019t been doing the pouring. I wasn\u2019t going to take anything from him! Pa lit his pipe carefully, then he said,<\/p>\n \u201cI wanted to tell you, boys, that I\u2019m proud of what you did today. I\u2019m so glad that you acted just as I expected you would.\u201d<\/p>\n I took a quick peek at Adam, waiting to see what he would say. No one said anything though. The silence got longer until Adam said,<\/p>\n \u201cThank you, Pa. It was perhaps the hardest decision I\u2019ve ever had to make. I\u2019m glad it was the right one.\u201d<\/p>\n He said it so quietly it was hard to hear him. Pa just looked at him, then he said<\/p>\n \u201cYou look very tired son. I think it would be a good idea if you went to bed soon.\u201d<\/p>\n Adam didn\u2019t say anything. I guess he was tired-he hadn\u2019t been to bed at all. There was that uncomfortable silence again. I had to admit Adam didn\u2019t look happy.<\/p>\n \u201cIt must have been very difficult, Adam, but I\u2019m sure it was easier for you with your brothers helping.\u201d Pa tried to make him feel better.<\/p>\n \u201cYeah, sure, Pa,\u201d Adam replied. I waited for him to tell on Hoss and me, but then I realised he wouldn\u2019t. He hardly ever does. And he knows how much Pa doesn\u2019t like it when we fight. I did something that caught Pa\u2019s attention, so he stopped staring at Adam and started staring at me instead. Then Hoss took a deep breath and wiped his hands on his pants.<\/p>\n \u201cWe didn\u2019t help Adam, Pa,\u201d Hoss admitted. \u201cWe didn\u2019t want him to let Farmer Perkins hang.\u201d He sounded embarrassed.<\/p>\n Pa raised an eyebrow and stared at us for a long time. \u201cI see,\u201d he said. There was silence again, then Hoss said, \u201cWe were wrong, Adam, I\u2019m sorry.\u201d<\/p>\n Adam gave Hoss a funny little sort of half smile and then he said, \u201cThat\u2019s Okay, Hoss. I might have just as easily been wrong. I did take a big gamble, and if I\u2019d been wrong, I\u2019d\u2026\u201d He stopped mid-sentence.<\/p>\n Pa nodded, as if agreeing with something. Then he looked directly at me. \u201cAnd you, Joseph?\u201d he asked.<\/p>\n Well, I wasn\u2019t sorry and I said so. \u201cI\u2019m NOT sorry. He gambled with your life, Pa! He was prepared to risk your life, my Pa\u2019s life, just because he always thinks he\u2019s right!\u201d I explained.<\/p>\n Pa shook his head, then he got up and went to Adam, gently rubbing his shoulders. \u201cI am also Adam\u2019s and Hoss\u2019 father, Joseph.\u201d He said it quietly without yelling, but the way he said it made me feel really bad. It was the same thing that Adam had said last night. I KNOW Pa is Hoss and Adam\u2019s Pa too. He\u2019s been Adam\u2019s Pa for twenty-eight years. Sometimes I sort of feel I get left out of things when Pa and Adam are together. Then Pa added, \u201cAnd didn\u2019t you think that what you wanted to do was right?\u201d<\/p>\n \u201cYeah, I guess so,\u201d I muttered. I looked up and met Pa\u2019s eyes. Pa was still gently massaging Adam\u2019s shoulders. I watched Pa for a moment then I couldn\u2019t stop myself. I couldn\u2019t understand why Pa was being so nice to Adam when Adam had nearly got him killed.<\/p>\n \u201cI was afraid, Pa. I thought I\u2019d never see you again, and Adam was just bein\u2019 so logical like it was all a game to him, like he didn\u2019t care, just working it all out instead of\u2026.\u201d<\/p>\n Adam interrupted me. \u201cInstead of going off half-cocked. I told you giving in to Bryant was a sure way to get Pa killed.\u201d His voice shook, I think, with anger. Then he turned his face away and stared into the fire.<\/p>\n Pa looked at Hoss and me then he told us to go to bed. \u201cBut Pa,\u201d I started to say.<\/p>\n \u201cGo on upstairs, \u201c Pa said in a gentle voice. \u201cI\u2019ll come up and talk to you in a while, Joe. I want to have a word with your brother.\u201d<\/p>\n I don\u2019t know what Pa said to Adam. I was almost asleep when he finally came into my room. I sat up in bed and scooched over so he could sit next to me.<\/p>\n \u201cHi Pa,\u201d I said.<\/p>\n Pa sat down next to me and put his arm around my shoulders. I sort of snuggled up to him, although I\u2019m way too old for being hugged.<\/p>\n Pa smoothed that pesky curl back off my face with his other hand. \u201cYou need a haircut,\u201d he said, but his tone didn\u2019t sound like he was really all that bothered about it.<\/p>\n As I snuggled, I said, \u201cI thought I\u2019d never get a chance to do this again.\u201d<\/p>\n Pa squeezed me a bit tighter then he asked, \u201cIs that why are you so angry with Adam?\u201d<\/p>\n I frowned. \u201cI don\u2019t know. No, I\u2019m mad with him because he gambled with your life just as if he didn\u2019t care!\u201d<\/p>\n \u201cI\u2019m sure you don\u2019t really believe that. You of all people should know how much Adam cares about this family, about everyone in this family,\u201d Pa told me. \u201cHe\u2019s bailed you out of trouble often enough, and probably more times than I know about. Now think carefully, Joe. Why are you really angry?\u201d<\/p>\n I thought about it. Adam was always there to bail me out. He was always there for me. I guess it wasn\u2019t really Adam I was mad with. I was just trying to cover up the fact that \u201cI was scared, Pa. So scared that I\u2019d never see you again.\u201d<\/p>\n \u201cBut I\u2019m here now Joe so you can stop being angry. You know, it wasn\u2019t the easiest decision for Adam to make. Put yourself in his shoes for a minute. Would you have liked to make that choice that he did? Would you like to have had to make that choice?\u201d I shook my head. I wouldn\u2019t ever want the responsibility Adam takes on.<\/p>\n \u201cJust think about how Adam feels about it, Joe. He had to try to think about the consequences of what he was doing. The responsibility was all his. And he was trying to protect you by making the decision by himself so that you wouldn\u2019t have the burden of deciding whether to put my life on the line. And you know it is much easier to risk your own life that that of someone you love.\u201d<\/p>\n That was true. I\u2019d do anything to stop any member of my family being hurt, even my smart-alec older brother.<\/p>\n \u201cPa? Do you suppose Adam was scared too?\u201d I asked him.<\/p>\n \u201cI know he was, son,\u201d Pa said. \u201cHe\u2019s just better at hiding it that you are. And at hiding the hurt.\u201d<\/p>\n That was true, too. Adam usually kept his feelings under wraps. I\u2019d thought he just didn\u2019t care when really he\u2019d been trying to be strong so he could help me and Hoss and we hadn\u2019t helped him one bit. I felt really bad about it, and all my anger melted away. I started to get out of bed.<\/p>\n \u201cWhat do you think you\u2019re doing, young man?\u201d<\/p>\n \u201cI\u2019ve gotta go apologise to Adam,\u201d I said.<\/p>\n Pa wouldn\u2019t let me. \u201cThat can wait till the morning. Let him sleep. And you get some sleep too.\u201d<\/p>\n He waited till I\u2019d snuggled down again. \u201cThere\u2019s one more thing you should think about, Joseph.\u201d He waited till he had my full attention.<\/p>\n \u201cIf it had been one of you boys, I would have done just as Adam did. And I would have been just as afraid that I was wrong too.\u201d<\/p>\n He didn\u2019t wait for me to say anything, just patted my shoulder, turned out the lamp and shut the door quietly behind him, saying \u2018goodnight\u2019 as he did so. I lay in bed wide-awake now. I had a lot to think about. And the most important thing on my mind? Working out how to make it up to Adam.<\/p>\n BEN<\/b><\/p>\n \u201cYou know what? You boys look awfully good to me,\u201d I said with relief as I slid my arms round Joe and Adam. I wished briefly for a third arm for Hoss, but I knew he wouldn\u2019t take offence. It had been a very long night being held hostage by Bryant, but it\u2019s not the first time I\u2019ve faced death. It won\u2019t be the last time either, but this time I\u2019d known I could rely on Adam to do what was right. We walked down the street together; Joe pressed as close to me as he could get without being in my clothes with me. It had been a hard night for us all.<\/p>\n Adam wanted me to get checked out by the doctor, but I didn\u2019t want to. I just wanted to get home. I looked at my sons. They all looked weary too.<\/p>\n \u201cI\u2019m fine. What I want to do is go home, have a meal and a bath and a few hours\u2019 sleep. And you boys could do with that too. The chores can wait a bit.\u201d<\/p>\n \u201cSure sounds good to me, Pa,\u201d Hoss said.<\/p>\n \u201cYeah, me too.\u201d Joe.<\/p>\n Adam didn\u2019t reply so I prompted him<\/p>\n \u201cI can\u2019t just yet. I\u2019m acting sheriff, so I\u2019ve got to tie things up here. You go on. I\u2019ll be home as soon as I can,\u201d he said.<\/p>\n Adam was acting sheriff? \u201cWhere\u2019s the Sheriff?\u201d<\/p>\n \u201cHe got shot. Adam here took charge,\u201d Hoss indicated Adam with a turn of his head.<\/p>\n I looked at Adam. He didn\u2019t look too good, but there is never any point trying to stop Adam from doing what he thinks should be done. \u201cI\u2019m sure you did what needed to be done. You go ahead. We\u2019ll see you at home.\u201d He smiled briefly and I know he watched us, a bit wistfully as we rode out of town.<\/p>\n Joe talked non-stop all the way home, trying to tell me what had gone on all night, but I have to confess that I didn\u2019t really follow what he was saying. I was having enough trouble staying awake and on my horse. His voice was soothing in a way, even if I couldn\u2019t follow his sometimes-incoherent story. It didn\u2019t matter. I\u2019d get it later, when I was awake. Between the three of them I might even get the full story. By the time we sat down to breakfast he had run out of steam and he actually fell asleep at the table. Hoss carried him upstairs and we put him to bed before heading to our own.<\/p>\n I woke before the boys. By the time Little Joe came downstairs, I was well into catching up with the paperwork that we had neglected while we were caught up in this Bryant business.\u00a0 He came over to me, a broad smile on his face.<\/p>\n I smiled back. \u201cSleep well, Joseph?\u201d I asked.<\/p>\n He nodded. \u201cSure Pa. Can I help you with that?\u201d<\/p>\n I raised an eyebrow at him. My youngest son is the second last person I would expect to ask to help with the books. The one who hates it the most is Hoss, but that\u2019s because, bright as he is-and don\u2019t let his looks fool you-rows of figures just give him a headache. Joe just can\u2019t sit still long enough to pay attention to them. He grinned back, knowing exactly what I was thinking.<\/p>\n \u201cNo, thank you,\u201d I said. \u201cWhy don\u2019t you go find yourself something to eat and me a cup of coffee?\u201d<\/p>\n \u201cTrying to get rid of me?\u201d<\/p>\n \u201cNo. I just want a cup of coffee. And when your brother gets up I want you to go down to help the horse breakers.\u201d<\/p>\n He looked disappointed. Then he tried his best puppy dog look. It might have worked when he was ten, but not now.\u00a0 \u201cCan\u2019t I stay with you?\u201d he asked<\/p>\n I shook my head. I reached out and patted his arm gently.\u00a0 \u201cNo. I\u2019ve wasted too much time with this Bryant business and there is work to be done. Besides I thought you liked working with the horses.\u201d<\/p>\n He couldn\u2019t argue with that. It was his favorite activity on the ranch. I thanked him when he came back with the coffee and turned back to my work. It was hard to concentrate though with him prowling around. I told him to sit down more than once, but it didn\u2019t last long. I don\u2019t know who was more relieved to see Hoss, me or Joe!<\/p>\n I smiled at Hoss. \u201cSleep well?\u201d I asked.<\/p>\n \u201cSure, Pa. Now all I need is some food an\u2019 I\u2019ll be right as rain,\u201d he said as he headed towards the table where there was another plate of sandwiches.<\/p>\n \u201cGood, because when you\u2019ve had something to eat, I want you and Joseph to go out to the corrals. Those horses won\u2019t get broken by themselves.\u201d<\/p>\n \u201cCan\u2019t ya find Joe something to do here?\u201d he asked, seeing Joe try his puppy dog look again. The boy is so overprotective of his little brother, but I really wanted to get those books finished. There was a great deal of work to catch up on, and I wanted to get that new contract to discuss with Adam when he came home.<\/p>\n \u201cNo. I want you two out with the horses, now!\u201d I told them both.<\/p>\n When Adam came in, I took one look at him and realised that today was not the day for discussing contracts. He looked exhausted, but then, he hadn\u2019t had time to rest.\u00a0 \u201cYou look tired, son. There\u2019s time for a bath before supper if you want it.\u201d I said to him. His face brightened just at the thought of it, so I called to Hop Sing to bring the water for one.<\/p>\n \u201cWhere are Hoss and Joe?\u201d he asked.<\/p>\n \u201cI sent Joe to go and break some horses. He needed to let off some steam.\u201d<\/p>\n \u201cThey tell you what happened?\u201d he asked.<\/p>\n \u201cThey told me the bare bones.\u201d I yawned. \u201cI said we\u2019d discuss the rest after supper. I was too tired to listen.\u201d<\/p>\n He nodded, smiling slightly.<\/p>\n \u201cI take it you got all the loose ends tied up? I asked.<\/p>\n \u201cYeah. I don\u2019t think I\u2019ll take up professional sheriffing as a career,\u201d he said.<\/p>\n For Adam, that comment alone spoke volumes.<\/p>\n \u201cAdam?\u201d I brought Adam back from wherever his thoughts had taken him. \u201cWould you pour me a glass of brandy, please?\u201d<\/p>\n We sat in front of the fire. I lit my pipe carefully, then looked up at each of my sons in turn.<\/p>\n \u201cI wanted to tell you, boys, that I\u2019m proud of what you did today. I\u2019m so glad that you acted just as I expected you would.\u201d<\/p>\n To my surprise there was no comment from any of them. The silenced lengthened, until finally Adam broke it<\/p>\n \u201cThank you, Pa. It was perhaps the hardest decision I\u2019ve ever had to make. I\u2019m glad it was the right one.\u201d\u00a0 His voice was so soft I could barely hear him, but I caught the \u201cI\u201d. I stored it away for a moment. Something was going on here, but I left it.<\/p>\n \u201cYou look very tired son. I think it would be a good idea if you went to bed soon.\u201d \u201cIt must have been very difficult, Adam, but I\u2019m sure it was easier for you with your brothers helping.\u201d<\/p>\n \u201cYeah, sure, Pa,\u201d Adam said.\u00a0 I stared at him. There was no emotion in his tone at all. He was definitely trying to keep something from me.<\/p>\n Joe suddenly moved as if he was going to get up, and then was still again. I stopped looking at Adam and looked at my younger sons instead. Hoss especially looked a little nervous. He wiped his hands on his pants legs and took a deep breath.<\/p>\n \u201cWe didn\u2019t help Adam, Pa,\u201d he admitted, shamefaced. \u201cWe didn\u2019t want him to let Farmer Perkins hang.\u201d<\/p>\n \u201cI see,\u201d I said, but that was all. I wasn\u2019t sure what to say. There was silence again, then Hoss turned to Adam.<\/p>\n \u201cWe were wrong, Adam, I\u2019m sorry,\u201d he said. Hoss looked very uncomfortable but Adam, as usual,\u00a0 took pity on him<\/p>\n \u201cThat\u2019s Okay, Hoss. I might have just as easily been wrong. I did take a big gamble, and if I\u2019d been wrong, I\u2019d\u2026\u201d He stopped, as if the words were stuck in his throat.<\/p>\n I nodded. That explained a great many things. It was no wonder Adam looked as though he\u2019d been in a stampede. I turned to Joe, expecting him to make the same apology as his older brother had. \u201cAnd you, Joseph?\u201d I asked.<\/p>\n \u201cI\u2019m NOT sorry,\u201d Joe yelled. \u201cHe gambled with your life, Pa! He was prepared to risk your life, my Pa\u2019s life, just because he always thinks he\u2019s right!\u201d That wasn\u2019t what I\u2019d expected him to say.<\/p>\n Adam flinched as though Joe had struck him. Joe\u2019s words obviously hurt him deeply. I frowned at Joe and then got up to comfort Adam. I touched his shoulders, feeling how tense he was, so I began to massage them gently. He reached up and clasped my hand, briefly. I patted his hand soothingly.<\/p>\n \u201cI am also Adam\u2019s and Hoss\u2019 father, Joseph.\u201d I didn\u2019t shout at him, but I\u2019ve no doubt that this was part of the problem, no doubt that this was what he had said to<\/p>\n Adam in the depth of the night, while Adam was struggling with the burden of working out how best to keep me alive. And doing it alone, without the support he should have had from his brothers. Joe flushed. I made my point, I think.<\/p>\n \u201cAnd didn\u2019t you think that what you wanted to do was right?\u201d I added then.<\/p>\n \u201cYeah, I guess so,\u201d Joe muttered. He looked up and met my eyes. He watched me for a moment then let all his grievances rip. He burst out, \u201cI was afraid, Pa. I thought I\u2019d never see you again, and Adam was just bein\u2019 so logical like it was all a game to him, like he didn\u2019t care, just working it all out instead of\u2026.\u201d<\/p>\n \u201cInstead of going off half-cocked,\u201d Adam snapped. \u201cI told you giving in to Bryant was a sure way to get Pa killed.\u201d\u00a0 His voice shook, but whether from anger or something else I wasn\u2019t quite sure. I decided Adam needed to talk this out, without his brothers about.\u00a0I told them to go. Joe of course wanted to argue, but I insisted.<\/p>\n \u201cGo on, Joseph,\u201d I said. \u201cI\u2019ll be up to talk to you soon.\u201d<\/p>\n Once they\u2019d gone I turned my attention to Adam. He was staring into the fire as though the answers he was seeking were somehow written in the flames.<\/p>\n \u201cAdam.\u201d<\/p>\n He looked at me with such pain in his eyes. Adam does take everything to heart so.<\/p>\n \u201cJoe\u2019s right, you know, Pa. I did think my way was the right way. And suppose I\u2019d been wrong?\u201d That was what I thought was troubling him. Taking responsibility for making a decision like the one Adam was forced into is something Joe couldn\u2019t understand. He is still very young.<\/p>\n \u201cIt wouldn\u2019t have been much comfort for you, I know, but you would have known you\u2019d done your best,\u201d I said. \u201cYou know that\u2019s all I ask of you-that you do your best and you try to do what I\u2019ve taught you.\u201d<\/p>\n \u201cYou\u2019re right. It wouldn\u2019t have been much comfort.\u201d His voice thickened. Adam was as close to tears as I\u2019d heard him for many years, which just told me how tired and emotionally stretched my oldest son was. Tears just weren\u2019t Adam\u2019s way. I had to find a way to comfort him; to relieve his burden. Then it occurred to me that I already had my answer. I\u2019d told them already.<\/p>\n \u201cSon, I would have done exactly the same thing if it had been one of you boys.\u201d Adam turned and looked up at me, his eyes searching my face.<\/p>\n \u201cYou couldn\u2019t have done anything else. If you\u2019d given in to Bryant, I\u2019d probably be dead now. A man like Bryant needs to operate on fear. How better to take over the town than by killing me? And setting it up so he could blame my sons? No, son, I know what you did was hard, but it had to be done. I knew I could put my trust in you, and I\u2019m proud and grateful.\u201d<\/p>\n He must have found the absolution he was seeking in my face, because he whispered \u201cThanks, Pa.\u201d<\/p>\n I had to finish what I\u2019d started. Somehow I had to help Adam deal with all of this.<\/p>\n \u201cAdam, don\u2019t stew over this. You did what had to be done. I don\u2019t hold you at fault, and you shouldn\u2019t let it worry you. Don\u2019t let Joe worry you either.\u201d<\/p>\n He smiled at me, but it wasn\u2019t very convincing. I suddenly wanted to take him into my arms and soothe away his hurts as I’d done when he was a small boy, but that wouldn\u2019t work any more. He had to come to terms with it himself. It would help if his brothers, especially Joseph, were with him. I could leave Hoss to sort things out himself. He and Adam are very close. Joseph would need a bit more pushing. \u201cI\u2019ll go and talk to Joseph. I won\u2019t tell him that what he wanted to do was more than likely to get me killed. He doesn\u2019t need that burden.\u201d<\/p>\n \u201cI guess not, but it might make him think before he loses that temper of his,\u201d he said, getting some relief from sniping at Joe.<\/p>\n \u201cPossibly, but I doubt it. He just needs to mature a little.\u201d I decided to give him something else to think about, knowing just how much it annoys him. \u201cIt\u2019s time you got some sleep,\u201d I said.<\/p>\n I was a little surprised when he didn\u2019t take my bait, but in companionable silence we turned off lamps and banked the fire. At his bedroom door, I paused and said \u201cgoodnight,\u201d squeezing his shoulder again. Then I went down the hall to Hoss\u2019 room.<\/p>\n I tapped on his door. \u201cMind if I speak to you, son?\u201d I asked. I sat down on the end of his bed.<\/p>\n \u201cYou all right, Hoss?\u201d I asked.<\/p>\n He nodded. \u201cSure. I\u2019m real glad everythin\u2019 turned out ok, Pa.\u201d I patted his leg.<\/p>\n \u201cSo am I, son. So am I.\u201d I was quiet then I said, \u201cI guess last night was hard on us all.\u201d It was odd how out of all of my sons, Hoss was the one to whom I could admit this. Oh, I\u2019m sure Adam knew, but right now Adam had his own demons to deal with. And Little Joe is still little more than a child, for all he thinks he\u2019s not.<\/p>\n \u201cJoe\u2019s takin\u2019 it real hard, Pa,\u201d Hoss said. \u201cYa won\u2019t be too mad with him, will ya?\u201d Trust Hoss to be concerned about his baby brother.<\/p>\n \u201cI\u2019m not mad with him. I just don\u2019t want him to make it harder than it needs to be on Adam. You know how Adam takes things to heart.\u201d Hoss nodded. Hoss understands Adam better even that I do.<\/p>\n \u201cI tried ta talk to him, Pa, but he didn\u2019t want to listen,\u201d Hoss said. He wasn\u2019t apologising; he was explaining.<\/p>\n \u201cI\u2019ll talk to him.\u201d<\/p>\n \u201cPa? Would you have done the same thing if it had been one of us?\u201d Hoss asked, surprising me. He wasn\u2019t given to introspection.<\/p>\n \u201cThat\u2019s just what I told Adam. That I would have hanged Perkins if it had been one of you in there.\u201d<\/p>\n Hoss\u2019 face brightened. Whatever had been on his mind had been straightened out, so that was one son who would do his own fence-mending tomorrow. I smiled at him as I said good night.<\/p>\n There was just my baby son to tackle now, and he was going to be the most difficult. I was getting very tired myself, but I couldn\u2019t sleep until I\u2019d resolved the dissension under my roof.<\/p>\n Joe sat up in bed and moved over so I could sit next to him. I put my arm around his shoulders and hugged him and he snuggled up against me.<\/p>\n \u201cYou need a haircut,\u201d I said, idly smoothing back an errant curl. It was more something to say than anything else.<\/p>\n Joe snuggled closer then he said, \u201cI thought I\u2019d never get a chance to do this again.\u201d<\/p>\n That was hardly surprising. He doesn\u2019t have Adam\u2019s powers of logical deduction, or Hoss\u2019 belief in Adam\u2019s skills. \u201cIs that why are you so angry with Adam?\u201d<\/p>\n \u201cI don\u2019t know. No, I\u2019m mad with him because he gambled with your life just as if he didn\u2019t care!\u201d Just as I\u2019d thought.<\/p>\n \u201cI\u2019m sure you don\u2019t really believe that. You of all people should know how much Adam cares about this family, about everyone in this family,\u201d I told him. \u201cHe\u2019s bailed you out of trouble often enough. Now think carefully, Joe. Why are you really angry?\u201d<\/p>\n I waited while he thought about it. Then out it came. \u201cI was scared, Pa. So scared that I\u2019d never see you again.\u201d<\/p>\n \u201cBut I\u2019m here now, Joe, so you can stop being angry. You know, it wasn\u2019t the easiest decision for Adam to make. Put yourself in his shoes for a minute. Would you have liked to make that choice that he did? Would you like to have had to make that choice?\u201d I doubt that he would have considered Adam\u2019s position at all. Joseph isn\u2019t very good at seeing both sides.<\/p>\n \u201cJust think about how Adam feels about it, Joe. He had to try to think about the consequences of what he was doing. The responsibility was all his. And he was trying to protect you by making the decision by himself so that you wouldn\u2019t have the burden of deciding whether to put my life on the line. And you know it is much easier to risk your own life that that of someone you love.\u201d<\/p>\n I knew Joe wouldn\u2019t hesitate for a minute to risk his life to save his brothers\u2019 or mine. He adores them, even if he wouldn\u2019t admit it.\u00a0 \u201cPa? Do you suppose Adam was scared too?\u201d<\/p>\n Yes, I thought to myself, he is very young. \u201cI know he was, son,\u201d I told him. I knew Adam wouldn\u2019t mind me telling Joe that. Joe needs to learn that it isn\u2019t always right or proper to let everyone else know how you felt. I know that a few times he\u2019s gone to play poker-and that he is, as Hoss said once, the worst poker player in Virginia City. But that is only because he can\u2019t hide his feelings.<\/p>\n \u201cHe\u2019s just better at hiding it that you are. And at hiding the hurt.\u201d<\/p>\n There was a very long silence, then he started to get out of bed. \u201cWhat do you think you\u2019re doing, young man?\u201d<\/p>\n \u201cI\u2019ve gotta go apologise to Adam,\u201d he explained.<\/p>\n I wouldn\u2019t let him. Adam didn\u2019t need an emotion charged discussion with his little brother right now. I was sure Adam wouldn\u2019t say anything to hurt Joe intentionally, but he was as taut as a bowstring just at the moment, and he does have a very sarcastic tongue. \u201cThat can wait till the morning. Let him sleep. And you get some sleep too.\u201d<\/p>\n I waited till he\u2019d got into bed properly again, then I said, \u201cThere\u2019s one more thing you should think about, Joseph. If it had been one of you boys, I would have done just as Adam did. And I would have been just as afraid that I was wrong too.\u201d<\/p>\n I didn\u2019t wait for a response, just patted his shoulder and said \u2018goodnight\u2019.<\/p>\n Then I headed to my own room. The thought of my bed was becoming more and more tempting, and tomorrow was going to be a very busy day. Before I went to sleep I thanked the Lord, that, with my sons\u2019 help, there would be a tomorrow.<\/p>\n April 2002<\/b><\/p>\n
\nI know it irritates him when I do that, but the habits of many years are hard to break. Adam didn\u2019t roll his eyes. He didn\u2019t react at all-which worried me. There was an unexplained tension in the air. I tried to break it.<\/p>\n