{"id":14073,"date":"2002-07-15T12:15:28","date_gmt":"2002-07-15T16:15:28","guid":{"rendered":"https:\/\/bonanzabrand.info\/library\/?p=14073"},"modified":"2025-09-25T15:31:01","modified_gmt":"2025-09-25T19:31:01","slug":"memories-of-love-6-to-rage-in-heaven-by-diana-g","status":"publish","type":"post","link":"https:\/\/bonanzabrand.info\/library\/?p=14073","title":{"rendered":"Memories of Love #6 – To Rage in Heaven (by Diana G)"},"content":{"rendered":"

Summary:\u00a0 <\/strong>Adam has to return to his wife with a secret that may destroy their marriage. How will Becky react when he tells her?<\/p>\n

Rating\u00a0 T\u00a0 (36,900 words)<\/p>\n

Memories of Love Series:<\/strong><\/p>\n

Memories of Love<\/a>
\nThe Future of Love<\/a>
\nLove’s Rewards<\/a>
\nA Time to Heal<\/a>
\nThe Unlooked for Saviour <\/a>
\nTo Rage in Heaven<\/a><\/p>\n

 <\/p>\n

To Rage In Heaven<\/strong><\/p>\n

Chapter One<\/p>\n

The dark shape of a man lay stretched out, face down on the ground, in the shadows cast by the trees surrounding the small pasture. The sweat that covered his face trickled down the long blades of grass that concealed his identity from the world. With agonising slowness, he moved his right arm until it was under his body and the fingers of his hand dug into the soft earth, trying to find the strength to rise. He managed to push his shoulders up but any further movement was beyond him, and he collapsed back onto the ground, letting out a long sigh as consciousness left him.<\/p>\n

**********<\/p>\n

The afternoon sun was warm, and after a hard day\u2019s work Valerie Mackinnon was enjoying wandering among the scattered trees in the lonely pasture behind her small cabin. The sun shone off her fair hair and the long grass pulled at the hem of her grey wool skirt. She hummed a tune to herself as she went, she was proud of her voice and broke into song, hearing the pure, clear sound being reflected back from the nearby hills surrounding her home. Valerie had decided that the rabbit stew she was planning for her supper was going to be in need of something extra, so she wandered, looking for mushrooms and wild onions<\/p>\n

Suddenly she stopped singing, as she saw the unmistakeable outline of a man lying on the ground at the edge of the wood that enclosed the meadow. She paused, not certain that she should venture closer. She approached slowly, wondering if the man was dead, or if whatever had caused him to drop, apparently lifeless, might be infectious.<\/p>\n

Valerie was cautious. As a woman who lived alone, she had learned through bitter experience to trust no one, especially no man. She turned away from him, and took two steps before she stopped, undecided. But then she turned back; he was helpless and alone.<\/p>\n

She watched him as he lay on his stomach, his face buried in the grass. She heard his ragged breathing that told her he was alive, and she knelt and gently turned him over. His eyes were closed and he showed no awareness of her presence. She studied the figure as he lay there, taking in the slightly greying black hair and handsome features of a man probably in his early forties. He was dressed all in black and she recoiled from him, even unconscious he gave the impression of strength, and for a moment, she wondered if he might be a threat to her. Then she put out her hand to touch him, trying to rouse him. As her hand moved from his body to his face, she felt the heat of a high fever. He stirred at her touch, and as his eyelids fluttered open, she saw brown pools of distress looking up at her. She made her decision instantly.<\/p>\n

\u201cCan you stand?\u201d she asked.<\/p>\n

For a moment, the man did not answer, then he nodded slowly and rolled over onto his side, using one hand to push himself to his knees. But when he tried to stand, his legs gave way and he fell to the ground, lying on his back moaning quietly.<\/p>\n

\u201cCome on, I\u2019ll help you. My house is not far.\u201d She put her hands under his shoulders and helped him to his feet. She was only a few inches shorter than the man and she pulled his arm round her shoulder, putting her arm round his waist to support him. Her hand felt the firm muscles under his shirt, muscles of a man used to physical exercise, and where their bodies touched, she could feel the sweat forced out of him by the fever. He swayed and threatened to fall again, but she held him until he was steadier, and then led him slowly across the meadow.<\/p>\n

\u201cMy\u2026my horse,\u201d he gasped, pointing back the way they had come.<\/p>\n

\u201cDon\u2019t worry about that for the moment, I\u2019ll go and find him later. We have to get you to bed first.\u201d She half carried him into the house. Years of homesteading, first with her husband and then alone, had given her a strength belied by her trim figure.<\/p>\n

She took him into her bedroom and as she released her hold, he collapsed onto the bed, sighing deeply as he closed his eyes once again. Valerie took off his shirt, and saw a blood stained bandage covering his left forearm, from just below the elbow almost to his wrist. She continued to undress him and got him under the sheets, then covered him with a blanket, and went back out to the only other room in the small, neat cabin, to draw water from the pump in the corner that served as her kitchen. She found some clean strips of cloth, returned to the bedroom, and bathed his face and body with the cold water. The man did not stir, but his breathing became more even, and deeper. When she removed the bandage from his arm, she saw the unmistakeable signs of infection in what appeared to be a deep knife wound, running half the length of his powerful forearm.<\/p>\n

Valerie went to the cupboard under the washstand in the kitchen and returned with a small jar containing a salve of witch hazel and wild grape root. She used her fingers to carefully smooth the ointment over the wound, and then she re-bandaged the arm. The man stirred and muttered unintelligibly in his sleep as she touched him. Valerie sat for a few minutes studying him, then she rose and went in search of his horse.<\/p>\n

As she walked back across the meadow, Valerie picked up the man\u2019s black hat, and when she straightened, she saw movement in the woods. She went towards it and found the animal, a tall bay, grazing among the trees not far from where the man had been lying. The horse shied when he saw her approach, but Valerie spoke softly to him, advancing slowly. She held out her hand to grasp the reins, and led the horse to the barn, where she unsaddled and fed him before going back to the cabin. She returned to the bedroom to look at the man, wondering where he had come from. By the quality of his clothes and the equipment on his horse, he was a man of means. The tooled leather saddle alone would have cost more than she would make in six months of homesteading.<\/p>\n

Suddenly curiosity overcame her. She went out to the barn, retrieved his saddlebags, and brought them into the house. She searched through them, telling herself that she just wanted to find out who he was, but in truth, she wanted to know more than that, to know what kind of man she had taken into her home. She found spare shirts and pants, shaving gear and, as she delved deeper, two letters, both addressed to \u2018Adam Cartwright, c\/o Ponderosa Ranch, Virginia City, Nevada Territory\u2019.<\/p>\n

\u201cWell,\u201d she said to herself, \u201cyou\u2019ve wandered a long way from home.\u201d Virginia City was at least fifty miles away, but Valerie had heard of the Ponderosa. She had once met a man who had worked there, and he had told her about the huge ranch and the family that owned it, but she couldn\u2019t for the moment remember their name. Was this one of them, or just one of their hands? Then she remembered the saddle, and thought that Adam Cartwright must indeed be one of that family.<\/p>\n

**********<\/p>\n

Valerie sat in a high backed chair by the window in the bedroom, the last of the day\u2019s light illuminating the material on which she was working. She was busy stitching a blouse, but her eyes strayed occasionally to the mysterious, but not now anonymous, man who had been lying in her bed for a day. At first he had muttered incomprehensively, now his head turned restlessly on the pillows, but he made no sound. Not for the first time, she stood and went to the side of the bed, looking down at him. Her eyes wandered from the soft dark hair covering his chest, past the strong chin and sensuously curved mouth, to the high cheekbones and the long, dark eyebrows. She remembered the brown eyes looking at her, and was glad they were hidden behind closed lids and could not see her observation of him. She shivered as she imagined him on his feet, holding her. Valerie shook herself and went back to her needlework, trying to take her mind off the feelings that had stirred within her.<\/p>\n

As the light faded, she lit the single lamp in the room, which stood on the table beside her, and went back to her sewing, occasionally rising to check on her patient and bathe the sweat from his face and chest, until finally she thought that he felt less hot, and his restless movements had ceased.<\/p>\n

Adam realised that he was lying on something soft. The last memory he had was of falling from Fiddler, but he knew he wasn\u2019t lying on the ground, no grass was this yielding. He felt drained, all his energy seemed to have left him. Then curiosity got the better of his weariness and he forced his eyes open. He started to take in the room, it\u2019s walls bare except for a picture of yellow flowers, but he stopped as he saw a plain wooden dresser topped by an ornate, wood framed mirror. In the reflection, he could see the figure of a woman, seated beside a window. He turned his head to look at the opposite side of the room, where he saw the woman absorbed by the needlework in her hands. He swallowed twice, trying to find his voice.<\/p>\n

\u201cHello,\u201d he whispered.<\/p>\n

The woman was startled and dropped her sewing. She retrieved it from the floor, folded it neatly and put it on the table. Before she spoke, she straightened the covers and sat down on the bed.<\/p>\n

\u201cWell, hello.\u201d She smiled at the confused look she received.<\/p>\n

Adam didn\u2019t recognise the woman. He saw that she was probably near forty, her flaxen blonde hair tied back away from her plain face, which was dominated by deep blue eyes. Adam noticed that, behind the smile she wore, her face carried the evidence of a hard life. The thin curve of her mouth was edged with fine lines, as were her eyes. He took in those signs of the struggle to survive, and he reassessed her age to somewhere nearer thirty. He felt a pang of guilt. Here was a woman whose daily existence was a challenge, yet she was caring for him, a stranger. Again, he searched his memory but the face was unfamiliar, certainly no one he had seen around Virginia City. Then he remembered that he was a long way from home. He had been headed there on his way back from a series of meetings, but still had many miles to go.<\/p>\n

\u201cHow are you feeling?\u201d she asked.<\/p>\n

\u201cTired,\u201d he replied truthfully, covering his eyes with his hand.<\/p>\n

She rose to her feet, tucking in the blankets and straightening the bed again. \u201cWell now, you just lie there and you\u2019ll soon get your strength back. It may take a few days, but you\u2019ll soon feel better.\u201d<\/p>\n

\u201cThank you.\u201d He paused, but before he could speak again, she answered his unasked question.<\/p>\n

\u201cMy name is Valerie Mackinnon. I found you out in the meadow yesterday; I think you must have fallen from your horse. Don\u2019t worry he\u2019s in the barn, fed and watered,\u201d she assured him.<\/p>\n

\u201cAdam Cartwright.\u201d Adam said raising his hand a little way off the bed for her to shake. She held it for a moment, feeling the slight tremor of weakness that ran through him. As she made contact with him, a similar tremor ran through her, but for a very different reason.<\/p>\n

\u201cYes, I know,\u201d she said, \u201cI have to confess that I went through your saddle bags, to find out just who it was I had rescued.\u201d He smiled at her, showing her that he understood, and she noticed that the smile softened his eyes. \u201cNow you rest, while I go and make you something to eat.\u201d She patted his hand, comfortingly.<\/p>\n

\u201cI\u2019m not very hungry.\u201d His voice was faint and he felt himself slipping into sleep.<\/p>\n

\u201cYou must eat if you\u2019re going to regain your strength, I\u2019ll make something and we\u2019ll see if you can\u2019t manage just a little.\u201d She smiled gently as she saw his eyes close.<\/p>\n

The following morning Adam woke early. He tried to sit up but his head swam, and he lay back against the pillows waiting for the world to right itself. He felt weak, but otherwise much improved on how he had been when he fell from Fiddler. He could hear the woman, Valerie, he remembered, moving about in the other room. He lay, looking out of the window, the pale blue curtains were drawn back, and he could see trees, with a backdrop of green hills.<\/p>\n

He remained motionless for a long time, trying to remember the events that had brought him here. When he raised his left arm and saw the bandaging, his mouth set firm as he thought of the fight in the saloon. He had tried to walk away from it, but the drunken cowhand wasn\u2019t going to let the imagined slight be dealt with so easily. Fortunately, the sheriff had intervened, and on evidence from bystanders, had dragged the cowhand off to jail. Adam had refused to press charges, but he had asked the sheriff to hold the man long enough to allow him to visit the doctor and then leave town. Adam had no desire to become delayed by a small town argument; he only wanted to get home to his wife and children. He had been gone nearly a month, the longest time that he had ever been away from them, and was missing them desperately. Becky, his wife, was strong, independent and intelligent. She could so easily have become hardened by the early death of her first husband, but instead it had brought out her adventurous spirit, which had taken her west and into his life. She was Adam\u2019s equal in every way, and he loved her passionately.<\/p>\n

He turned his head as Valerie came into the room. She had a tray in her hands, which she placed on the bed. Adam slowly pushed himself up with his right hand, and felt his stomach churn at the smell of the food, a plate of scrambled eggs and biscuits. He had not been able to eat anything the night before, his mouth refusing to take in the food that his brain told him he needed. Then he smelled the coffee, and reached out to pick up the small china cup filled with dark brown liquid. As he lifted it to his lips, his hand shook and he spilled some of the drink on the covers. Valerie came quickly to his aid. She sat on the bed and took the cup from him, then held it so that he could drink. The coffee was strong and tasted bitter, but Adam assumed that was because she couldn\u2019t afford the fine coffee that he was used to.<\/p>\n

\u201cThanks,\u201d he said.<\/p>\n

She put down the cup and forked a little of the eggs towards him.<\/p>\n

\u201cI don\u2019t think I can.\u201d He shook his head.<\/p>\n

\u201cNonsense, if I have to I will force feed you, so you\u2019d better try a bit harder. I can be very forceful if I have to.\u201d She put a hand firmly in the middle of his chest, feeling the soft hair against her skin, and moved the fork towards him. Adam knew a losing battle when he saw one, and accepted the mouthful. The eggs were really very good, but he took a long time swallowing. She let him have a sip of coffee, then prepared another morsel for him. He thought about refusing, but when he saw the look on her face, he accepted that as well. He turned his head away as she tried to get him to eat more.<\/p>\n

\u201cThat\u2019s enough,\u201d he insisted. He could feel his stomach rebel at even the little that he had been able to eat. Valerie gave up and let Adam drink the rest of the coffee.<\/p>\n

\u201cYou can\u2019t survive on coffee alone,\u201d she insisted.<\/p>\n

\u201cIt\u2019ll do for now, I\u2019m sorry,\u201d he said, as he lay back exhausted.<\/p>\n

\u201cAll right. You rest and we\u2019ll try again later.\u201d<\/p>\n

Adam eased himself back down under the covers and shut his eyes. The next thing he knew was Valerie standing over him with a cup in her hands. He eyed it suspiciously.<\/p>\n

\u201cIt\u2019s all right, it\u2019s only coffee. If that\u2019s all you want then that\u2019s what I\u2019ll give you. But only on condition that you try to eat some supper later.\u201d<\/p>\n

\u201cI\u2019ll try, but I make no promises.\u201d Adam smiled up at her as she held the cup out for him to take. When he reached for it, she saw that his hand still shook. She pushed the hand aside and sat down, so that she could let him drink from the cup as she held it.<\/p>\n

She nodded towards his bandaged arm. \u201cWhat happened?\u201d she asked.<\/p>\n

\u201cGot into a fight in a saloon,\u201d he said slowly. \u201cThis cowhand thought that I was trying to take his girl, and wouldn\u2019t accept it when I tried to tell him that I was only there for a quiet drink, and the girl had approached me, not the other way round. It was fortunate that he was only carrying a knife, not a gun.\u201d<\/p>\n

\u201cWhy didn\u2019t you stop sooner, you must have realised that you weren\u2019t well?\u201d<\/p>\n

Adam considered his motives in pushing on. \u201cI have been away from home for some weeks and wanted to get back. I knew that there was a town up ahead, and thought that I could find a doctor there who would be able to take care of my arm, and let me keep going.\u201d<\/p>\n

\u201cWe have no doctor in town, so that wouldn\u2019t have done you any good. We have to learn to take care of ourselves out here. We only have the occasional quacksalver peddling his remedies.\u201d<\/p>\n

Adam thought of Paul Martin, the Virginia City doctor, realising how lucky they were to have a skilled physician so close.<\/p>\n

Valerie continued. \u201cWe have to concoct our own remedies, if you know where to look, the countryside is full of cures. I put on your arm a salve that I make myself, which should help. And that reminds me, I should take another look at it.\u201d Valerie pulled his arm towards her and started to undo the bandage. Adam gritted his teeth against the pain of her ministrations. She saw sweat form on his brow, but continued to uncover the wound. When he looked down, Adam could see that his arm was red and swollen round the long, straight gash that was oozing blood along its length.<\/p>\n

\u201cI\u2019ll have to clean it again, the infection is still there.\u201d Valerie brought in some water and the salve, washing the cut before again covering it with ointment and re-bandaging it. By the time she had finished, Adam was lying back on the pillows, his breath coming in short, uneven gasps, as sweat trickled down into his eyes. She bathed his face and he smiled gratefully at her, then closed his eyes. When he tried to open them again he found that his eyelids were too heavy to move, so didn\u2019t bother. He could feel her hand gently brushing over his hair as she sang softly, helping him to relax. Once she was sure that he was asleep, Valerie reached out and ran her fingers over his face and down his neck, stopping at the small hollow at the base of his throat, where the sweat had gathered in a thin film. She raised her fingers to her mouth, tasted the salty dampness, and her heart beat faster.<\/p>\n

In his dreams, Adam saw Marie, the late mother of his youngest brother, Joe, sitting beside him, as she had when he was ill. He felt a pleasing warmth spread through him as he imagined her caring for him. There was nothing more soothing then a mother\u2019s touch, and Adam felt his strength slowly returning as she caressed him. He opened his eyes expecting to see Marie, but it was Valerie standing looking down at him.<\/p>\n

\u201cWell, it\u2019s about time you woke up. You missed supper, but I\u2019ve made you some broth, perhaps you can manage a little of that,\u201d she said turning away.<\/p>\n

\u201cMrs. Mackinnon\u2026\u201d<\/p>\n

She interrupted him. \u201cValerie, please.\u201d<\/p>\n

Adam nodded. \u201cValerie. You know I\u2019m grateful for all you\u2019ve done.\u201d Adam paused, he had dreamt that he was getting stronger but it seemed that had only been an illusion after all, even talking seemed to leave him drained. \u201cI won\u2019t be troubling you much longer.\u201d<\/p>\n

\u201cDon\u2019t be silly. You\u2019re not going anywhere for a while. I live a very lonely life out here on my own. It\u2019s a refreshing change to have a man to care for again.\u201d She smiled at him as she left the room. She returned after a few minutes with a cup of beef broth. The smell left Adam\u2019s stomach churning, but since she had made it, he thought that he ought at least to try to drink some of it. She didn\u2019t hand him the cup, but used a spoon to give him small sips of the strong, meat flavoured drink. He managed to take about half of the cup before refusing any more.<\/p>\n

\u201cThat\u2019s better. You\u2019ll soon be well if you go on like that.\u201d She spoke as if to a child, and Adam remembered his dream of Marie, and the comfort it had brought him. \u201cNow,\u201d Valerie continued, \u201cI suppose you would like some coffee?\u201d Adam simply nodded and Valerie helped him to drink the bitter liquid, which should have tasted unpleasant, but he found it soothing.<\/p>\n

Adam slept soundly that night. When morning came, he realised that the familiar throbbing in his arm was absent and he was feeling better, but as he sat up he had trouble focusing his eyes. When Valerie brought his breakfast, he still had no appetite and felt tired. She didn\u2019t try to make him eat, but offered him some coffee. His hand was steady as he took it from her, but the cup seemed heavy, and between sips he rested it on his stomach. Valerie noticed, but said nothing.<\/p>\n

Adam spoke slowly, the effort of framing the words evident on his face. \u201cValerie, you must let me pay you for looking after me.\u201d She started to protest, and he held up a heavy hand to silence her. \u201cI know what life is like when you have a homestead to run. You can\u2019t pretend that it is any more than a hand to mouth existence. You\u2019ve fed me and looked after me, and I would like to repay you.\u201d<\/p>\n

\u201cAdam, you really don\u2019t have to. Like I said, it\u2019s good to have company.\u201d<\/p>\n

\u201cMy company\u2019s not been that good,\u201d said Adam, thinking that he had slept most of the time.<\/p>\n

She patted his arm. \u201cNo, maybe not yet, but as you get better I\u2019m sure you\u2019ll make up for it.\u201d<\/p>\n

\u201cI don\u2019t feel strong enough to argue with you now, but when I am, I won\u2019t take \u2018no\u2019 for an answer,\u201d he assured her.<\/p>\n

Valerie laughed. \u201cWe\u2019ll see about that, it could be an interesting contest. Now go to sleep.\u201d<\/p>\n

Adam didn\u2019t need her encouragement to shut his eyes and drift off. She stood looking down at him and when she saw that he was breathing deeply, she ran her fingers lightly over his face, feeling a shiver go through her as she did so. In his sleep, Adam smiled.<\/p>\n

He woke slowly and lay still, thinking that he should soon be on his way home, but as he eased himself up the bed, the room started spinning. He knew that he must try to eat, but the very thought of food set his stomach turning. He could feel how lack of sustenance was affecting him, he was having trouble concentrating for more than a few seconds, and his mind wandered easily, conjuring up images of Becky, and home<\/p>\n

At lunchtime, Valerie brought him more of the broth, of which he managed a few mouthfuls, and some coffee. She was pleased to see that the colour was returning to his cheeks beneath the stubble of a four-day growth of beard.<\/p>\n

The same thought occurred to both of them at the same time.<\/p>\n

\u201cWhen you were going through my saddle bags did you find my shaving kit?\u201d he asked.<\/p>\n

\u201cI was about to ask you if you would like me to give you a shave,\u201d she laughed.<\/p>\n

\u201cWell, I would like a shave, but I think I can do it for myself,\u201d he assured her.<\/p>\n

\u201cLet\u2019s just see how you get on. If you can\u2019t manage, I can do it for you. I used to give my husband a shave when he was ill.\u201d Valerie suddenly looked sad as she remembered.<\/p>\n

\u201cWhat happened to him?\u201d<\/p>\n

\u201cHe died,\u201d she said simply. Adam raised his eyebrows at her and she continued. \u201cThere was an epidemic of scarlet fever in town. He wasn\u2019t a strong man anyway, and he couldn\u2019t fight it off. I had it as a child so I was immune, but it carried off a lot of those in town as well.\u201d<\/p>\n

\u201cI\u2019m sorry.\u201d<\/p>\n

\u201cIt\u2019s all right, it was three years ago now. I\u2019ve got used to managing on my own since then.\u201d<\/p>\n

\u201cWhy don\u2019t you move into town? Surely, life would be easier for you there,\u201d Adam suggested.<\/p>\n

\u201cNo, this is my home, I\u2019m going to stay here and try to make something of this place. It was a dream that Ben and I had.\u201d<\/p>\n

When Adam smiled at the name, Valerie looked enquiringly at him.<\/p>\n

\u201cMy father\u2019s name is Ben,\u201d Adam explained.<\/p>\n

\u201cOh, I see. Have you any other family?\u201d<\/p>\n

\u201cYes, I have two younger brothers, and a wife and three children.\u201d Adam went on to tell her about his home. \u201cThat\u2019s why I was anxious to get back, I\u2019ve been away too long already.\u201d Adam thought that Valerie\u2019s eyes took on a strange look, one of regret, but put it down to her own lack of family.<\/p>\n

She seemed to shake herself. \u201cHow about that shave then,\u201d she said and disappeared into the kitchen, returning shortly with hot water, soap, towels and his razor. Adam sat up straighter, feeling the familiar dizziness to which he was becoming accustomed. Valerie put the bowl of water on his lap and handed him the razor. She held the mirror for him as he shaved, but after he had cut himself for the second time, she gently but firmly took the sharp blade from him and finished the job. The exertion involved in getting rid of his beard had left Adam exhausted, and he shook his head wondering at his feebleness. His arm was feeling better and he thought that he should be well on the way to recovery, but he was just as tired now as when he had first woken up in the unfamiliar surroundings. Valerie cleared away the shaving gear, then told Adam that she was going to take another look at his arm. He gritted his teeth waiting for the pain, but felt only a slight discomfort as she used the salve and bandaged it again. He was amazed at the improvement and determined to ask her for some of the medication. Paul would be interested, and perhaps Valerie could make extra money selling it to him.<\/p>\n

Valerie told him to lie down and rest until supper. Adam was glad to obey and closed his eyes, drifting into a fitful sleep.<\/p>\n

This time his dreams were not comforting, he saw himself getting weaker until he did not have the strength to get home. He saw Becky, but she was far off, out of reach, and he cried out as he realised that he could not touch her. Then he saw his father and brothers standing close beside him. He tried to embrace his father, but when he put his arms round the older man\u2019s shoulders, they held only empty space. He heard himself whimper and tears started in his eyes with frustration, then he felt strong arms encircle him and thought that his father had hold of him. He opened his eyes and realised that he was, indeed, in an embrace, but it was Valerie who had him in her arms, whispering soothing words in his ear. He pushed away from her and turned his head, as he lifted a heavy hand to brush away his tears.<\/p>\n

\u201cAdam? What is it, why are you upset?\u201d she asked softly, trying to comfort him.<\/p>\n

\u201cNothing, just a dream. I\u2019m sorry.\u201d<\/p>\n

\u201cDon\u2019t be sorry. I\u2019ll get your supper.\u201d<\/p>\n

Adam was startled to realise that it was so late. He seemed to do nothing but sleep. He managed a few mouthfuls, but still had no appetite. When he had finished, Valerie brought him some more coffee.<\/p>\n

\u201cThis one has a little something extra in it. I thought it might help,\u201d she said, offering him a larger cup than before.<\/p>\n

He sipped it, tasting the unmistakeable flavour of whiskey over the bitterness. He smiled. \u201cThanks, it tastes good.\u201d He drained the cup, and as he handed it back to her, she offered him another, which he accepted. He had drunk only half of it when he began to feel light headed, and thought that perhaps the whiskey had not been a good idea after all. Then gradually reality left him.<\/p>\n

He could feel himself lying in the bed, but he had no sensation in his arms and legs, they felt as though they belonged to someone else. He felt himself beginning to drift off to sleep, and in the state of semi-wakefulness that comes just before sleep, he was aware that someone was sharing his bed. He turned towards the movement.<\/p>\n

\u201cBecky,\u201d he whispered.<\/p>\n

\u201cHush now, I\u2019m here.\u201d<\/p>\n

As she took him in her arms, he gave her the love that had been burning inside him during the days he had been away. When he tried to raise his hand to caress her soft skin, his arm felt heavy and slow, but he was aware of Becky\u2019s gentle hands on him, and he relaxed and accepted her attentions.<\/p>\n

They lay together, wrapped in each other, as dawn broke. Adam stirred, reality intruding only very slowly, but his eyes opened wide in horror as he saw that it was Valerie who lay in his arms, her face peaceful and content. He recoiled in horror as he realised what he had done.<\/p>\n

She smiled when she saw him looking at her. \u201cGood morning, my darling.\u201d She traced her index finger down his chest and round the line of his ribs. Adam pushed her away.<\/p>\n

\u201cWhat\u2026?\u201d He couldn\u2019t think straight, what had she called him?<\/p>\n

\u201cWhat\u2019s the matter? You don\u2019t seem very pleased to see me,\u201d she chided him gently, then kissed him. Adam tried to pull back as their lips met, but she put her hand behind his head and twisted her fingers into his hair, holding him. Adam wrenched his head away.<\/p>\n

He tried to think through the fog that enveloped his brain, and suddenly he was filled with an awful certainty of what must have happened during the night. His voice came out as a horrified whisper. \u201cWhat have you done?\u201d<\/p>\n

\u201cNothing that you didn\u2019t want to do,\u201d she taunted him.<\/p>\n

Adam swung his legs over the side of the bed and stood up, swaying, gripping the bed head to steady himself. Just how drunk had he been last night? He reached for his clothes, which were lying on the chair beside the bed and hurriedly, if unsteadily, dressed while Valerie watched, making no move to stop him. He stood holding on to the chair for support, looking for his gun belt, which was nowhere in sight.<\/p>\n

\u201cAnd just where do you think you are going?\u201d Valerie demanded angrily.<\/p>\n

\u201cAs far away from here as I can get,\u201d he said harshly, taking a step towards the door. \u201cAnywhere. Home.\u201d<\/p>\n

Her high-pitched laughter stopped him. \u201cYou don\u2019t think your wife\u2019s going to want you, do you. Not after what you\u2019ve done.\u201d<\/p>\n

Adam was afraid of the truth of Valerie\u2019s words, but he knew he had to get away from this place, and he took another step.<\/p>\n

\u201cOh no, not yet. You\u2019re not going to just walk out on me. I\u2019ve looked after you, and now you owe me.\u201d Valerie stood between him and his escape. Adam tried to get past her but she held his arms. In his weakness, he was unable to resist the pressure and she pushed him back onto the bed. As he struggled to rise, she leant over him, holding his shoulders and lowered her head to kiss him. By sheer force of will he took her arms and shoved her roughly away, then stood and turned to the door. Valerie once again barred the way. She tried to prevent him from reaching the exit, striking out at him, catching him on his injured arm. Adam cried out, his head was swimming and his eyes refused to focus properly. They struggled, both determined to stop the other from achieving their goal.<\/p>\n

Adam knew that he couldn\u2019t fight off for very long Valerie\u2019s attempts to stop him, and finally did something that he had never thought he could do. He hit a woman. He used all the force he could muster in his faltering muscles to strike her with his fist, and she fell into his arms, unconscious. He tried to lift her, intending to lay her on the bed, but he didn\u2019t have the strength to raise her off her feet, so he lowered her to the floor, falling over her as he bent down. Adam remained on his knees panting, then pushed himself to his feet and leant against the door for a minute, gathering enough strength to move. He reached behind his back to open the door, and fell into the other room. He hit the floor and lay there, knowing that he had to move before Valerie woke up. He didn\u2019t know whether he could resist if she tried to stop him again.<\/p>\n

He reached up and gripped the edge of the table that stood in the centre of the room, pulling himself up until he was leaning on it with both hands, head down, breathing heavily. As he raised his eyes to take in the small room, he saw the bottle of whiskey sitting in the middle of the table, and he remembered the taste of the coffee the night before. Had Valerie intentionally got him so drunk that he didn\u2019t know what he was doing? He hung his head, ashamed at having unwittingly abetted her in her scheme, then he picked up the bottle and threw it against the wall, where it shattered noisily. He thought he heard movement from the bedroom, and as fast as he could he snatched up his hat and saddle bags from a chair and went out of the front door, towards the barn.<\/p>\n

Adam found Fiddler in a stall and searched for his saddle, which he found lying in one corner of the barn. He grabbed it, but it took two attempts for him to get it on Fiddler\u2019s back. He hurriedly did up the cinch, placed his foot in the stirrup, and pulled himself into the saddle. Adam was bent double with the effort he had made, but he turned the horse\u2019s head towards the door and kicked him into motion. As he rode out of the barn, he saw Valerie appear at the door of the cabin. She yelled at him to wait but he kicked Fiddler again, and the horse broke into a canter, taking them both away from the small cabin and its owner. Adam rode hard, until he felt that he had put enough distance between himself and his malevolent rescuer.<\/p>\n

He pulled Fiddler to a walk and rode slowly on. He had ridden away not caring where he was going, now he tried to make sense of where he was, but he couldn\u2019t think straight, the whiskey was still clouding his mind. He looked at the sky and turned Fiddler\u2019s head towards the early morning sun, knowing that he had to head east. They travelled for hours, Adam swaying in the saddle with the movement of the horse. He knew he aught to dismount and rest, while he was still capable of making that decision, remembering what had happened the last time he fell from Fiddler\u2019s back. But each time he thought of stopping, panic rose in him and he pushed on.
\nChapter Two<\/p>\n

The sun had nearly completed its journey across the sky when he saw buildings in the distance. A town, but which one, and where? It didn\u2019t matter; Adam knew that he couldn\u2019t ride any further, and approached the cluster of dwellings, hoping to find food and shelter for the night. As he went up the short street between the rough wooden buildings, he spotted the saloon, and a small hotel. He still had his wallet in his pocket. Whatever else Valerie might have been, she was no thief; she had not touched his money. No, she had wanted to be paid in a very different currency. He pulled up in front of the saloon and went inside, hoping that they might be able to provide him with a meal. His head was clearer, his appetite was returning, and he knew that if he ate he would feel better.<\/p>\n

As he entered and his eyes adjusted to the subdued lighting, he saw a small room, tidy and clean, surprising in a small town bar. A handful of wooden tables filled most of the space, which was bereft of customers at this early evening hour, but would fill as darkness came. He went up to the bar and hesitantly ordered whiskey. The stocky, grey-haired barkeep put a glass on the counter and filled it from an anonymous bottle. Adam held the drink in his hand, staring at it, remembering. He shuddered, then he downed the dark, golden liquid, knowing that he probably shouldn\u2019t drink it on an empty stomach, but the fiery liquor burnt its way through him, and for the moment gave him strength.<\/p>\n

He asked for another, but let it sit in front of him, not sure that he was going to drink it. The temptation was there to empty down his throat as many drinks as he could, to get himself in a state where he would forget everything. But his intelligence told him that no amount of alcohol could change what alcohol itself had caused.<\/p>\n

\u201cCan I get something to eat?\u201d he asked.<\/p>\n

The elderly barkeep eyed his solitary customer warily, seeing the drawn features and slightly haunted look in the hooded eyes. He took in the dark, dust covered clothing, and the lack of a weapon. A man in trouble, the barkeep decided, but one with money in his pocket. \u201cYup. How about a steak, the wife\u2019s cooking tonight, so it might be edible,\u201d he laughed, knowing his wife was an excellent cook.<\/p>\n

\u201cA steak would be fine.\u201d<\/p>\n

\u201cTake a seat, won\u2019t be long.\u201d He disappeared, but Adam could hear him talking to someone, presumably his wife, then saw him return to stand behind the bar, polishing glasses that were already gleaming.<\/p>\n

\u201cCome far?\u201d the man asked.<\/p>\n

Adam looked up. The last thing he needed at that moment was idle chatter; his mind was still on what Valerie had done, and what he had done. He was going to have to go home. But then what? He could pretend that nothing had happened, try to carry on as normal, but he knew in his heart that that was not possible, it would be there with him every waking moment. As he thought of Becky lying innocently beside him, he remembered Valerie and the guilt she had thrust upon him. His hand tightened over the small shot glass, which would have shattered but for its thickness. No, he was going to have to tell Becky and he dreaded her reaction. Despite the fact that he had had very little say in the matter, he had been unfaithful to her. Could she forgive him? How might it change their relationship?<\/p>\n

\u201cI said, \u2018have you come far\u2019?\u201d The bartender, who was used to people pouring out their troubles to him, thought that this man might want to do the same, once he got talking.<\/p>\n

\u201cYes.\u201d Adam thought that he had travelled to the depths of his being, a journey that he would have walked a thousand miles to avoid.<\/p>\n

\u201cWhere are you headed?\u201d<\/p>\n

\u201cVirginia City.\u201d Adam sipped his drink absently, not concentrating on the conversation.<\/p>\n

\u201cI worked there once.\u201d The man started polishing the already immaculate bar top.<\/p>\n

\u201cReally.\u201d Adam was thinking about how he was going to tell Becky what had happened.<\/p>\n

\u201cYeah. Years ago. I used to work cattle, before my horse threw me and busted my hip. Can\u2019t sit a horse for very long now. It was a big spread, the Ponderosa, you know it?\u201d<\/p>\n

Adam was startled out of his thoughts by the mention of his family home.<\/p>\n

The man was still talking. \u201cOwned by the Cartwrights. Good family, good to their hands. Ben Cartwright, the father, wouldn\u2019t have it any other way. Said that hands worked best if they was taken care of. You know Ben Cartwright?\u201d<\/p>\n

Adam smiled to himself, and the barkeep could see the face of the stranger transformed at the mention of the name. Suddenly Adam felt closer to home.<\/p>\n

Adam spoke softly. \u201cYes, I know him, he\u2019s my father.\u201d<\/p>\n

The man frowned, dredging his memory for pictures of the Cartwright sons. This certainly wasn\u2019t the elder of the two boys, not big enough, but surely too old for the younger.<\/p>\n

\u201cYour father you say?\u201d<\/p>\n

Adam could hear the doubt in the man\u2019s voice. \u201cHow long ago did you work there?\u201d he asked.<\/p>\n

\u201cMust be nearly twenty five years.\u201d<\/p>\n

Adam worked it out, then went to the bar and held out his hand. \u201cI\u2019m Adam Cartwright, Ben\u2019s eldest son. I would have been away at college when you were there.\u201d<\/p>\n

The barkeep took Adam\u2019s hand, shaking it warmly as he introduced himself. \u201cCaleb Smith. Now you mention it, I do remember there was another son that I never saw. It\u2019s a pleasure to meet you. Supper\u2019s on the house.\u201d<\/p>\n

\u201cNo, you have a living to make, same as everyone else,\u201d Adam insisted.<\/p>\n

\u201cWell, a drink at least then.\u201d Adam nodded his agreement, but as he downed his third drink, he felt his legs begin to give way, and the next thing he knew he was looking up into the face of an unknown, grey-haired lady who was patting his hand gently.<\/p>\n

\u201cThere now, son, you just lie still and let Matilda take care of you. You look as though you\u2019ve had a rough time. But a little tender loving care will soon see you right.\u201d<\/p>\n

As panic gripped him, Adam made to rise from the sofa on which he was lying, remembering the last time he had come round to the sight of a stranger. But then he recalled Caleb Smith and the bar, and he relaxed with a sigh as he covered his eyes.<\/p>\n

Matilda, whom Adam assumed was Mrs. Smith, bustled about the room, laying cutlery on the table in between going back and forth to the kitchen. Adam could smell the distinct aroma of steak cooking. His mouth watered at the thought, sending stinging pains through his cheeks. He carefully swung his feet off the settee and planted them on the carpeted floor, then he pressed down with his right hand, gingerly taking his weight on his legs, which refused to support him and he sat down again, shaking his head in frustration. He still felt weak, but told himself that it was because of the lingering effects of the infection. Then his stomach reminded him that he had not eaten properly for the last five days in Valerie\u2019s care, and he could not remember how long before that. He saw Mrs. Smith\u2019s portly figure emerge from the kitchen.<\/p>\n

\u201cI\u2019m sorry to be so much trouble to you. I\u2019ll be on my way soon.\u201d He wasn\u2019t sure that he was telling the whole truth, but these people didn\u2019t need the bother of a stranger in their house. Adam was also trying to convince himself that he could start on the remainder of his homeward journey. He knew that five days ago he still had about fifty miles to go, and since this morning he might have covered another ten miles. He hadn\u2019t travelled in a straight line away from the cabin, so he couldn\u2019t be sure. He sat up straighter, his heart beating fast and hard in his chest, as he thought that ten miles wasn\u2019t very far for a determined woman. Would Valerie come after him? Adam shook his head as he squeezed his eyes tight shut against the memory. No, she wouldn\u2019t bother to look for him, she had simply taken the opportunity that had presented itself to her, of a man alone and helpless. She hadn\u2019t searched him out. His racing heart slowed as he reasoned that he was safe here, but only half believing it.<\/p>\n

Suddenly he felt a hand gripping his left arm. Adam jumped to his feet in surprise; the touch on his wound increasing the pain that had gradually crept back during the day. He turned abruptly, drawing back his right arm, his hand balling into a fist ready to strike out. Before he could deliver the blow, his eyes registered the short, round figure of Mrs. Smith, who was looking at him with a trace of fear on her face. His legs threatened to give way, so he sat on one of the dining chairs behind him.<\/p>\n

Matilda put her hand on his shoulder, to reassure him. She could see that deep down, this was a very troubled man. \u201cWhat is it, dear, what\u2019s bothering you?\u201d she asked in a soft, comforting voice, her calm grey eyes telling him that he had nothing to fear of from her.<\/p>\n

\u201cNothing. I\u2019m sorry, you startled me that\u2019s all.\u201d Adam shook his head, lowering his eyes to the floor, shocked at what he had nearly done. Then he remembered hitting Valerie, and shivered. Before he met the scheming homesteader he would have said that there was never an excuse for such behaviour, but his values had shifted sharply, he knew he hadn\u2019t had any choice.<\/p>\n

\u201cDo you always react so violently to an unexpected touch? You must get into a lot of fights that way.\u201d<\/p>\n

Adam raised his eyes to look at the kindly woman, who was standing with her hands crossed over her stomach, smiling at him. He let out a long breath as he smiled lopsidedly back, but she could see that the amusement did not reach his eyes, which remained shuttered against the outside world.<\/p>\n

\u201cNo, you\u2019re right.\u201d He wondered what he could say to explain his reaction. \u201cI was\u2026I had an experience recently that left me\u2026 how shall I put it, unsettled.\u201d<\/p>\n

Matilda sat on the settee and patted the seat beside her. Adam stood shakily, and joined her. She put out both her hands, gently taking one of his between them as she looked straight at him. Adam had the impression that she was looking right into the depths of his soul. He turned away, ashamed to let her see what was hidden there.<\/p>\n

\u201cDo you want to tell me about it? It might help.\u201d She spoke softly, encouraging her troubled visitor to confide in her. For a moment Adam considered unloading all the pent up anger and fear and shame he felt, but then he knew that he couldn\u2019t speak about what had happened to anyone but Becky, and he was dreading that encounter.<\/p>\n

He shook his head. \u201cNo, but thank you.\u201d He smiled more genuinely. \u201cDo you always take in people who collapse in the bar?\u201d<\/p>\n

Matilda laughed aloud at the thought. \u201cOh my goodness, no. We\u2019d have a handful of bodies in here every Saturday night. No, Adam. May I call you that?\u201d Adam nodded. \u201cThen you must call me Matilda. No, we owe your father a very large debt of gratitude, and we would not pass up the opportunity to help his son.\u201d She stood and went into the kitchen, returning to place two plates of steak and vegetables on the table. \u201cNow come and eat, and I\u2019ll tell you about it.\u201d<\/p>\n

Adam sat at the table, opposite Matilda, as she explained. \u201cWhen Caleb was injured, your father took care of him, and me. He paid for the doctor and the treatment Caleb needed. I think that in some way Mr. Cartwright felt responsible for what happened, though it was in no way his fault, just one of those things that happen. But because Caleb was doing your father a favour, helping him when he was very short handed, and spending long hours in the saddle, Mr. Cartwright took it on himself to care for him.\u201d Matilda was pleased to see that as she spoke, Adam was absent-mindedly eating his meal, intrigued by the story. \u201cWhen Caleb was better, and we realised that he would no longer be able to carry on with the work, your father lent him enough money to buy this place. We paid him back of course, but it took a long time. He never once asked about the money, I really think that he didn\u2019t expect to see it returned, but Caleb was determined to repay him.\u201d<\/p>\n

Adam chewed slowly, thinking of his father. How like him to take responsibility for the accident, and to try to make amends by giving them the money, which at the time he could ill afford.<\/p>\n

\u201cWell, I\u2019m glad that my father helped you,\u201d said Adam smiling, as he looked at Matilda. \u201cOtherwise you might just have thrown me out into the street.\u201d He put out his hand and rested it on Matilda\u2019s arm. \u201cSeriously, I am grateful. If ever there was the right person, in the right place, at the right time, you\u2019re it, and Caleb too.\u201d Adam looked round the room, wondering about the couple. \u201cDo you have children?\u201d<\/p>\n

Matilda shook her head. \u201cNo. It is one of the few regrets of my life, that I couldn\u2019t have children, and now that Caleb and I are getting to the age where we should be thinking of giving up the business, there is no one to take over. We\u2019re getting a bit old to be throwing drunks out of an evening.\u201d<\/p>\n

Adam\u2019s eyes softened as he remembered the pleasure that he got from his own children. \u201cI\u2019m sorry. You would have been a wonderful mother.\u201d He paused, and then added sincerely, \u201cEspecially when they were in need.\u201d<\/p>\n

\u201cLike I said, I\u2019m glad to be able to help. Adam, I meant it, if you need to talk about what happened to you, I\u2019m ready to listen. You know it\u2019s sometimes easier to talk to a stranger.\u201d<\/p>\n

Adam\u2019s smile faded and he returned to his meal, thinking that he needed to tell someone about his encounter, but he couldn\u2019t find the words. The scenes in the cabin replayed over and over in his mind. His jaw tightened as his teeth clamped together, and his breath came faster as he stared down at the table, remembering. Matilda became concerned when she saw the look on his face, and came round the table to crouch down beside him, careful not to touch him.<\/p>\n

\u201cAdam, it\u2019s all right. Calm down, nothing\u2019s going to harm you here.\u201d<\/p>\n

He turned his glazed eyes towards her and gradually the tension inside him relaxed. He pushed his plate away and stood, going to look out of the window, which gave him a view of the quiet street outside.<\/p>\n

After a few minutes, Matilda approached him slowly, being sure to make a slight noise so as not to startle him. She had a cup of coffee in each hand, and he reached out uncertainly to take one. She saw that as he looked down into the cup his hand shook, so she moved away, allowing him time to regain his composure. He crossed the room to sit beside her, and raised the cup tentatively to his lips.<\/p>\n

\u201cWould you like something stronger in that?\u201d Matilda offered.<\/p>\n

His reaction to her words was instant and definite. \u201cNo!\u201d Then he seemed to regret his sharpness. \u201cNo, thank you anyway.\u201d He stared into the cup. The image of Valerie was inextricably linked with the flavour of coffee, and he thought that he might never again be able to taste his favourite drink without her coming back to haunt him. Then he mentally shook himself, he would not give it up because of what she had done to him. He slowly tasted the coffee, and found it more what he was used to, without the bitterness of that which Valerie had made for him. He drained the cup of its contents, one sip at a time, and asked for another. Matilda brought out the coffee pot to refill his cup, and she could see that he squared his shoulders as he put it to his mouth, draining it in one go. He silently asked for another, and again she filled it. He consumed this one more slowly. Each cupful was cleaning the taste of Valerie\u2019s bitter coffee from his mouth. A fourth cup followed the way of the other three. The next refill he held in his hands, swirling the liquid round inside the cup, looking down at it thoughtfully. Then, as he looked at her, Matilda could see that his small, self-satisfied smile was reflected in his eyes.<\/p>\n

\u201cThank you, Matilda. You will never know how good that tastes,\u201d he said.<\/p>\n

She replied quietly, regretfully. \u201cNo, I don\u2019t suppose I will.\u201d<\/p>\n

Matilda made up a bed for Adam on the settee, and as he settled down for the night he thought that he would not be able to sleep, too many images were running through his mind. He wasn\u2019t tired, he had slept so much during the last five days that he believed it would be a long time before he needed sleep.<\/p>\n

But then Matilda was kneeling beside him, gently brushing her hand over his hair, making soothing noises.<\/p>\n

\u201cThere, now. It\u2019s all right, you\u2019re safe.\u201d<\/p>\n

Adam sat up. \u201cWhat happened?\u201d he asked, bewildered.<\/p>\n

\u201cYou were crying out in your sleep, having a nightmare.\u201d<\/p>\n

\u201cI\u2019m sorry if I woke you, please, go back to bed.\u201d He had no recollection of his dreams, just a vague feeling of unease.<\/p>\n

\u201cNo, you settle down again, and I\u2019ll just sit here for a while.\u201d<\/p>\n

Adam lay down as Matilda took his hand, holding it gently and caressing the long fingers. Adam didn\u2019t want to sleep, afraid that the dreams might return, and that he might remember them. But gradually Matilda\u2019s soft, soothing voice lulled him, and he closed his eyes. When he opened them again, it was morning, and she was standing over him with a cup of coffee in her hand. He sat up ready to take it.<\/p>\n

\u201cI don\u2019t know that you aught to drink this, seeing how much you had last night, but it seemed to do you good.\u201d<\/p>\n

Adam laughed quietly. \u201cI\u2019ll take it a bit slower this morning, I think.\u201d He took the cup and again relished the pure taste of the coffee. When he had finished, he stood and went into the kitchen, where Caleb Smith was standing by the range, cooking breakfast.<\/p>\n

Matilda saw Adam leaning against the doorpost, his arms folded across his chest, a small smile playing at the corners of his mouth. This domestic scene was bringing back normality to his life.<\/p>\n

\u201cCaleb always cooks breakfast,\u201d she explained. \u201cNow, you go and sit down and I\u2019ll bring it to you.\u201d<\/p>\n

Adam did as instructed, and was soon joined by Caleb and Matilda. They enjoyed a quiet meal, during which the couple kept the conversation light, often laughing at some quirk of human nature as demonstrated by their customers. They told Adam that they had a good trade, made a reasonable living, and were content with their lot. Adam felt a deep gratitude to the elderly pair, not only for their hospitality, but also for their consideration and kindness.<\/p>\n

\u201cI\u2019d best be leaving straight after breakfast. I have to get back home, I\u2019m overdue and they will be worrying about me,\u201d he explained. Then a thought struck him, and he was cross with himself for not thinking of it the night before. \u201cMy horse\u2026\u201d<\/p>\n

\u201c\u2026has been taken care of. He\u2019s at the livery down the street.\u201d Caleb assured him.<\/p>\n

\u201cThank you, Caleb.\u201d Adam reached into his pocket, calculating how much he owed to the man. He pulled out several bills and held them out towards Caleb, who shook his head.<\/p>\n

\u201cNo, I won\u2019t take your money.\u201d<\/p>\n

\u201cBut you can\u2019t\u2026\u201d<\/p>\n

\u201cYes, I can and I will,\u201d Caleb insisted. \u201cMatilda told you what your father did for us, and it\u2019s my pleasure to return some of his kindness. Now, put your money away and don\u2019t insult me by mentioning it again.\u201d<\/p>\n

Caleb joined Adam as he was preparing to leave.<\/p>\n

\u201cWait a minute, Adam. I have something that I think you will need.\u201d He went to the tall dresser in one corner of the room and opened a cupboard. Adam saw that he was holding a brown leather gun belt, the weapon sitting neatly in the holster. Caleb held it out towards him and as Adam reached to take it, their eyes met, exchanging understanding looks.<\/p>\n

Adam nodded. \u201cYes, I\u2019m going home.\u201d<\/p>\n

\u201cGood, I was afraid that you might be thinking of going after whoever it was that left you like this.\u201d<\/p>\n

\u201cNo, home is where I want to be right now.\u201d Adam buckled the belt and set it on his hips, then tied the thong round his thigh, glad to feel again the reassurance of being able to defend himself. Matilda appeared from the kitchen clutching Adam\u2019s saddlebags.<\/p>\n

\u201cYou\u2019ll find enough food in here to take you home.\u201d She looked into his eyes, smiling. \u201cAnd plenty of coffee.\u201d<\/p>\n

He smiled back gratefully, then took her in his arms, and hugged her tightly. \u201cThank you, for everything.\u201d Then he shook Caleb\u2019s hand. \u201cMy father will be pleased to know that his kindness has been returned, with interest.\u201d<\/p>\n

They followed him to the door, and with a last \u2018goodbye\u2019, Adam turned towards the street and walked down to the livery stable, where he found Fiddler saddled and ready to leave. In reply to Adam\u2019s enquiry, the ostler told him that Caleb had left instructions that the horse should be ready early. Adam thanked him and mounted, turning Fiddler\u2019s head in the direction of his wife, and her unpredictable reaction.
\nChapter Three<\/p>\n

As Adam rode towards home, his feelings were ambiguous. He wanted to hurry, to get back to his family as quickly as he could, but he also felt that he never wanted to get there, knowing that he was going to have to face Becky, and tell her what he had done. He again contemplated not confessing to her, but he knew that the days ahead were going to be difficult enough, without the added guilt of deception.<\/p>\n

He camped for the night beside a stream, the sound of the bubbling water calming his shattered nerves. He lay for a long time looking up at the stars, and as the full moon rose bright against the black of the sky, he watched it move among the branches above him, its silver surface seeming clean and unsullied, unlike his feelings.<\/p>\n

He shivered beneath his blanket as memories overwhelmed him. Then he forced his mind to think of Caleb and Matilda. While there were such people in this world, he knew there was hope, that goodness could overcome evil, and ultimately the good would survive.<\/p>\n

He turned onto his side, pulling the blanket up round his ears, and slept.<\/p>\n

He woke to the chill of dawn, but he was sweating. He had dreamed of Valerie pursuing him, catching him, and taking him from his family. He rose quickly and made some coffee, but did not bother with breakfast. The dream had made him realise that he wanted to be home. He would get there as fast as he could and face the consequences of what he had done, no matter what they were. He was prepared to let Becky react as she would, he would not try to influence her, but trust that the love they had for each other could withstand this onslaught, and eventually their life could continue.<\/p>\n

Since he had to pass through the Ponderosa to get to his home, Adam decided to put off his talk with Becky by calling on his father. He rode into the yard of the large house and saw that the three horses belonging to his father and brothers were tied up outside. Adam hesitated, he hadn\u2019t anticipated having to face them all at once. Before Adam could turn round and head home, the front door opened and his youngest brother, Joe, appeared.<\/p>\n

Joe turned and shouted into the house. \u201cHey, Pa! Seems like we won\u2019t have to go looking for Adam after all.\u201d He strode across the yard, holding his hand out as his brother dismounted. Ben and Hoss emerged into the sunlit yard, calling to him.<\/p>\n

\u201cWell it\u2019s about time,\u201d said Hoss, greeting his elder brother with a slap on the back. Hoss was six years younger, eighty pounds heavier and three inches taller than his older brother, and the slap would have knocked Adam off his feet if he hadn\u2019t been prepared for it.<\/p>\n

\u201cSon, we were getting worried.\u201d Ben shook Adam\u2019s hand, putting his other hand on his shoulder.<\/p>\n

\u201cI\u2019m sorry I\u2019m late, I was\u2026delayed.\u201d Adam could sense an excitement in the men standing in front of him as he looked from one to another. Joe had a broad grin on his openly handsome face, which could not be explained simply by his relief at seeing his brother safely home.<\/p>\n

Adam turned to his father. \u201cWhat is it? What\u2019s going on?\u201d<\/p>\n

Ben glanced at Joe, then back to Adam. \u201cJoe\u2019s getting married.\u201d<\/p>\n

\u201cWhat!\u201d Adam exclaimed genuinely happy, looking at Joe.<\/p>\n

Joe nodded. \u201cYes, it\u2019s true. That\u2019s why we were so anxious for you to get back.\u201d<\/p>\n

\u201cWhen?\u201d Adam looked to them for information.<\/p>\n

\u201cSaturday week.\u201d Joe informed him, and a look of nervous anticipation replaced his grin. Adam worked it out. Eleven days. By then, he thought, he\u2019d either be with living at home with Becky and the children, or his marriage would have fallen apart. He couldn\u2019t know that there was a third option.<\/p>\n

\u201cMore to the point, who?\u201d asked Adam. Ever since Joe had been old enough to notice girls, he had flirted unmercifully. His good looks and sparkling humour helping him in pursuit of any girl he set his cap at. Adam suspected that he already knew the answer to his question. One girl in particular had seemed to be the centre of Joe\u2019s attention for the past months.<\/p>\n

Hoss, who was grinning broadly, replied. \u201cLittle Lucy Sullivan.\u201d<\/p>\n

Joe nudged Hoss in the ribs. \u201cHey, she\u2019s not so little any more.\u201d<\/p>\n

\u201cCompared to me she is,\u201d laughed Hoss, who was six inches taller than his younger brother.<\/p>\n

\u201cEveryone\u2019s small compared to you,\u201d Joe pointed out.<\/p>\n

Adam held out his hand to Joe, laughing. \u201cI\u2019m very pleased for you. She\u2019ll make you a great wife.\u201d<\/p>\n

\u201cWell, we\u2019ve got a good example to follow. If we can be anything like as happy as you and Becky, I\u2019ll be satisfied.\u201d<\/p>\n

Adam\u2019s laugh died in his throat, and a shadow crossed his face, which did not escape his father\u2019s notice.<\/p>\n

Adam smiled again at Joe, but Ben saw that his eyes were not smiling. \u201cYou\u2019ll do all right Joe, I know you will.\u201d He turned to his father. \u201cI\u2019d better be getting home. I only stopped by to let you know I was back, and Becky will be worried as well. Let me know if there\u2019s anything I can do for the wedding.\u201d<\/p>\n

Before Ben could ask him about his reaction to Joe\u2019s remark, Adam had mounted and was waving them farewell. He started off towards home, thinking about Joe. His youngest brother had finally decided to settle down, his wild oats sown. Joe\u2019s unpredictable temper was kept well in control as he had matured, and Adam knew that he would make a good husband. As he thought of his own marriage, dark images of Valerie gripped him, and Adam prayed that Joe would never find himself in the same position as his elder brother. Adam had always tried to set a good example for his brothers, but knew that after almost a lifetime of trying, he had finally failed.<\/p>\n

It was late in the afternoon as he crested a rise and sat for a few minutes looking down. He could see Becky in the yard in front of the house, playing with the children. She was dressed, as she always was when working around the ranch, in shirt and pants, and her dark hair streamed out behind her as the twins, five-year-old Josh and Elizabeth, chased her but she was just managing to stay out of their reach. He saw his younger daughter, Alice, sitting on the veranda surrounded by her dolls, some teacups at her side as she pretended to be on a picnic. His heart beat faster as he watched, knowing that the story he had to tell might take this away from him.<\/p>\n

He eased Fiddler into a trot, and as soon as he appeared in the yard he was surrounded.<\/p>\n

\u201cPapa, you\u2019re back!\u201d cried Elizabeth, reaching up to hug him as he dismounted. He encircled her with his arms and kissed the top of her head, as Josh came up to him and held out his hand, which Adam took, shaking it.<\/p>\n

\u201cI looked after them Pa,\u201d said Josh seriously. Then a smile broke out on his face and he, too, hugged his father. \u201cBut I\u2019m glad you\u2019re back,\u201d he whispered in Adam\u2019s ear.<\/p>\n

Adam let go of Josh and bent down to pick up Alice, fighting back the tears that threatened. He hugged her to him, and wondered what madness had possessed him that he would risk losing his family. He put her back on her feet and turned to Becky, who had stood back to let the children greet their father. She sucked in her breath as she looked at him, seeing something in his eyes that she didn\u2019t understand, but knew that she didn\u2019t like. She approached him, and as she put her arms round him, she could feel him tense.<\/p>\n

\u201cOh, Adam, it\u2019s good to have you home. I was beginning to get worried, you\u2019re late, we expected you days ago. Have you heard, about Joe?\u201d<\/p>\n

\u201cYes, I called in there on the way. I\u2019m sorry I was delayed, but I\u2019ll tell you about it later, when the children are in bed,\u201d he said quietly.<\/p>\n

Becky knew her husband well, she could read every nuance of his voice, and she was worried, there was something very wrong. But she also knew that he would tell her when he was ready, and not before.<\/p>\n

She took Adam\u2019s hand and led him into the house, trying to behave normally, to welcome him home. From time to time, as she prepared supper for the children, she glanced at him, and when she did, she saw that he was watching her with a curious look in his eyes. He seemed to be assessing her, as though wondering who she was, and it unsettled Becky. She had not seen Adam in over a month, and during that time, something had changed inside him. He had left for his trip as her husband, but had returned a stranger. When she spoke to him, he seemed distant and wary, almost as though he was afraid of her. Becky called the children in to supper, and as soon as the meal was finished and they had spent a little time with Adam, she got them off to bed and settled for the night. She gave them the assurance that they could spend more time with him the following day, but for now, they should let their father rest after his long journey.<\/p>\n

Once they were alone, Adam refused Becky\u2019s suggestion of something to eat. Instead, he went to stand uncertainly in front of the fireplace, first putting his hands on his hips, then crossing his arms over his chest as he hunched his shoulders, looking down at the floor, avoiding her gaze.<\/p>\n

\u201cCome and sit down, I have something to tell you,\u201d he said seriously.<\/p>\n

Becky sat nervously on the sofa, she could tell by his tone that whatever he was going to say was not going to be pleasant. She felt her hands shake, and held them tightly together on her lap.<\/p>\n

She looked up at him. \u201cWell, I know that something\u2019s wrong, I could tell as soon as you rode in. What is it?\u201d She was trying to keep her voice level, but her heart beat wildly.<\/p>\n

Adam hesitated, he didn\u2019t know where to start, or how to tell her what had happened. He raised his eyes to meet his wife\u2019s. \u201cBecky, what I have to say will come as a shock to you, but I want you to let me tell it without interrupting. When I have finished, you must decide what to do about it. Do you understand?\u201d He held his hands firmly under his arms, to stop the tremor that had started in anticipation of Becky\u2019s reaction. This was more difficult than he could possibly have imagined.<\/p>\n

Becky swallowed hard. \u201cAdam, what is it?\u201d<\/p>\n

\u201cI asked you if you understood. The decision you must make is yours alone, and I will abide by it.\u201d<\/p>\n

Becky looked into his serious, pain filled eyes, and replied with a tremble in her voice, unable to control it in the face of what he was saying. \u201cI understand.\u201d<\/p>\n

Adam nodded and took a deep breath. This was the moment he had dreaded, and now it was here he wished that he had decided to say nothing, but it was too late for that.<\/p>\n

\u201cOn my way home I stopped in a little town, it doesn\u2019t matter where, and got into a fight in a saloon.\u201d He held up his hand as Becky was going to interrupt. \u201cNo, let me finish. The other man had a knife and he caught my arm. The wound became infected, and I was running a fever that caused me to collapse. I was taken in by a woman who seemed as though she wanted to help me.\u201d Adam stopped as he remembered. Becky remained silent, she had no idea of what was coming, but she steeled herself for Adam to continue, which after a long pause he did.<\/p>\n

As Becky listened to Adam\u2019s account of those days with Valerie, the colour drained from her face. He gave her the details as unemotionally as he could, so that her decision, when she made it, would be arrived at with no pressure from him. After he had finished, she stood and turned her back, trying to compose herself. Then she turned to face him.<\/p>\n

\u201cYou say that you didn\u2019t know what you were doing?\u201d she asked.<\/p>\n

\u201cThat\u2019s right,\u201d he agreed.<\/p>\n

\u201cWell, let me ask you something. Had she restrained you in some way?\u201d Becky\u2019s voice rose in anger and hurt. \u201cDid someone hold you down?\u201d<\/p>\n

\u201cNo.\u201d<\/p>\n

\u201cShe didn\u2019t force herself on you?\u201d<\/p>\n

He hesitated. Force? No, Valerie had not needed force. \u201cNo,\u201d he replied honestly.<\/p>\n

\u201cThen how could you? How could you let it happen?\u201d Becky shouted.<\/p>\n

Adam shook his head helplessly. \u201cI told you. I didn\u2019t \u2018let\u2019 it happen. She must have got me so drunk I didn\u2019t know what I was doing. With the fever an\u2019 all, the drink must have affected me more than I realised,\u201d he said softly. Adam was conscious of his own guilt, and could not hide it from Becky. He knew he must have had less than a measure of whiskey, yet he had been unable to resist Valerie.<\/p>\n

\u201cBut no one forced you?\u201d<\/p>\n

\u201cNo,\u201d he agreed sadly, knowing it was the truth. Was his complicity that obvious to her?<\/p>\n

\u201cThen how do you expect me to believe that it was something that you didn\u2019t want to do? Are you telling me that any time you might get drunk, you can use it as an excuse for behaving this way?\u201d Becky turned away not expecting, or getting, an answer. Adam\u2019s guilt was plain, he had allowed it to happen, and however much he might blame Valerie, and say that he had been an unwitting participant, no one had made him do it. She thought of how much she loved him, and her heart cried, she had believed that her love was returned in full measure. But he had betrayed that love. Becky knew there was only one thing to do if she was going to retain any measure of self-respect.<\/p>\n

\u201cAdam, I think you should leave. I still love you, and just having you here makes me want you, but I can\u2019t live with a man who thinks so little of me that he would let another woman take advantage of him. How can I be sure that it won\u2019t happen again, should the opportunity present itself.\u201d She turned to face him. \u201cYou said that I should decide what to do. I want you to go, now.\u201d<\/p>\n

\u201cYou say that you love me, isn\u2019t that enough? We can work out the rest.\u201d He couldn\u2019t believe that she was sending him away.<\/p>\n

\u201cNo. There has to be respect as well, and you gave me none when you were with Valerie. Otherwise, I\u2019m just someone you use, here for your convenience. No, I want you to go, now.\u201d<\/p>\n

Adam simply nodded, he could see that she was determined. His feelings of guilt had prepared him for such an outcome, but still he was shocked to hear Becky say the words that would separate them.<\/p>\n

\u201cVery well. I had hoped that we had something stronger between us, but it seems that I was wrong.\u201d He paused, seeing that she was not going to relent. \u201cBecky, I understand how you feel, and I\u2019ll go, but may I come back and see the children?\u201d<\/p>\n

For a moment, her heart softened. \u201cOf course, they are still your children, and I would not deprive them of their father.\u201d She saw the relief that crossed Adam\u2019s face, and her anger flared again. \u201cAre you going back to the Ponderosa?\u201d Adam nodded. \u201cThen I would prefer it if you saw them there. I can send them over with Jeb, or you can get someone to collect them.\u201d<\/p>\n

Adam knew then that he was being dismissed from Becky\u2019s life; she didn\u2019t want to see him again. He fought back the tears that burned in his eyes as he simply nodded his agreement to her terms. How could he make amends for what he had done if she wouldn\u2019t even see him? He picked up his hat and went to the door, turning as he opened it.<\/p>\n

\u201cBecky, please can we talk about this again, when you have had a chance to think it over?\u201d he entreated her.<\/p>\n

\u201cI will think about it, you can be sure of that,\u201d she replied, the cold anger she felt obvious in her voice. \u201cAnd if I want to see you, I will send for you. If and until I do, you will stay away from me, do you understand?\u201d<\/p>\n

Adam understood all too well. \u201cYes.\u201d He went through the door, closing it quietly, leaving behind a part of his life he had never thought to lose.<\/p>\n

Adam rode slowly towards the Ponderosa, where he knew his father and brothers would be enjoying a quiet evening together. As he pulled up in the yard, it was dark, except for the lights that shone from the windows of the house where he had lived from his teenage years until his marriage, six years ago, and was again to be his home. He stabled Fiddler and approached the front door. Adam hesitated before putting out his hand to lift the latch. Once he entered, he would be starting a new chapter in his life, without the love of the woman he adored. Before he could make himself take that step, the door opened, and his father stood there, surprise evident on his face.<\/p>\n

\u201cAdam! What are you doing here? I heard someone ride in, I thought it must be one of the hands. Come in.\u201d Ben stood aside to allow him to enter. Adam saw Hoss and Joe sitting in front of a blazing fire. As he removed his hat, they stood, delighted but puzzled to see their brother. They noticed the strange gun belt that he laid on the dresser behind the front door, but none of them commented on it. Ben recalled seeing it when Adam had ridden in earlier in the day, but had not had the chance to ask him about it, the excitement of Joe\u2019s news overriding all else.<\/p>\n

\u201cAdam!\u201d exclaimed Joe. Then he laughed. \u201cWhat happened? Did Becky throw you out?\u201d Adam looked at him, and Joe was mortified as he saw the pain in his brother\u2019s eyes, and knew that he had said completely the wrong thing. \u201cAdam, I\u2019m sorry, I didn\u2019t mean\u2026.\u201d<\/p>\n

\u201cYeah? Well, you\u2019re right.\u201d<\/p>\n

Ben was standing behind Adam and could see his dejected stance; leaning on one hip, back slightly bent, with shoulders sagging. He motioned for Joe and Hoss to leave them alone.<\/p>\n

Hoss came to his elder brother and put his hands on his shoulders. \u201cAdam?\u201d<\/p>\n

Adam smiled thinly, knowing that Hoss had nothing but love in his heart for his family, and would feel the need to offer comfort. \u201cI\u2019m all right, don\u2019t worry.\u201d<\/p>\n

Hoss nodded, understanding that there was so much more that Adam was not saying. He pulled at Joe\u2019s arm, saying that they were going to bed.<\/p>\n

Joe resisted for a moment. \u201cAdam, I\u2019m sorry.\u201d<\/p>\n

Adam nodded sadly. \u201cThat\u2019s OK, Joe, you couldn\u2019t know.\u201d<\/p>\n

\u201cWould you like a drink?\u201d Ben asked, once they were alone.<\/p>\n

\u201cThanks.\u201d Adam dropped untidily onto the sofa that stood in front of the imposing fireplace, and stared into the flames. He looked up as his father handed him a large glass of brandy. Adam nodded his acknowledgement, and sipped the drink slowly, letting it burn through him.<\/p>\n

\u201cDo you want to tell me about it?\u201d Ben asked quietly. He remembered the look he had seen earlier on his son\u2019s face. Something had happened while he was away to cause this.<\/p>\n

Adam looked into the wise ebony eyes beneath the silver hair. \u201cPa, can I stay here for a while? I don\u2019t know how long it might be,\u201d Adam said quietly, with infinite sadness.<\/p>\n

\u201cOf course,\u201d his father agreed, hearing the pain in his son\u2019s voice and hoping that Adam would tell him more, but not pressing him.<\/p>\n

Adam didn\u2019t speak for a long time, silently drinking the brandy, trying not to think. Then he turned to his father.<\/p>\n

\u201cBecky\u2026asked me to leave.\u201d He could see the questions in Ben\u2019s eyes. \u201cShe had cause.\u201d<\/p>\n

\u201cSon, if there\u2019s anything I can do\u2026”<\/p>\n

Adam shook his head sadly. \u201cNo, there\u2019s nothing. Don\u2019t worry, we\u2019ll sort it out.\u201d<\/p>\n

Ben stood and put his hand on Adam\u2019s shoulder. \u201cThen why don\u2019t you get to bed, you look tired.\u201d<\/p>\n

Adam nodded, he wasn\u2019t just tired, he was exhausted. He followed Ben up the stairs, bidding him \u2018goodnight\u2019 as they parted. He made his way to his old room and threw himself down on the bed, which was always made up in preparation for those times when he had to work late, or was unexpectedly delayed in returning home.<\/p>\n

He lay there for a long time, playing over in his mind what Becky had said. Why had he not been able to convince her that he\u2019d acted innocently, unknowingly? He thought that she had not wanted to believe him, that she could only see what he had done, not the circumstances surrounding it. He realised that he could have been more persuasive, if he had not already blamed himself for what had happened.<\/p>\n

Adam got undressed and lay between the sheets, staring at the ceiling. Sleep tried to claim him, and he fought against it, fearing the dreams it would bring. But slowly Morpheus won the battle and the nightmares returned. Where before he had dreamed of Valerie, now it was Becky that tormented him, laughing at him as she turned him away, throwing him into a pit of vipers that struck at him and when he fought them off, he saw that their heads bore the likeness of Valerie. They coiled themselves about him, as he struggled against them, trying to get away.<\/p>\n

He woke unable to move his legs. Adam tried desperately to escape, then he realised that he had tangled himself in the sheets as he battled with his imagined enemy. He freed his limbs and got out of bed, determined that he would sleep no more that night. He dressed quickly, and went quietly downstairs where he prodded the fire back into life, then sat on the sturdy low table that stood between the sofa and the fireplace, staring at the flames, playing over in his mind the events that had led him to this point. It occurred to him that he should tell his father about Caleb and Matilda, but then he would have to explain why he had needed their help. No, he would say nothing, and add that omission to the deficit side of his life\u2019s ledger, a page that he felt was filling rapidly.<\/p>\n

He was still sat there two hours later, when Ben came downstairs. Daylight had broken, unnoticed by Adam, who was lost in his thoughts.<\/p>\n

\u201cMorning son, you\u2019re up early.\u201d Ben greeted him.<\/p>\n

Adam shook himself, unprepared for the interruption. \u201cYes.\u201d He didn\u2019t feel like talking.<\/p>\n

Ben went into the kitchen, returning a few minutes later with coffee for both of them. He handed a cup to Adam who took it, but then just stared at the dark liquid, not drinking.<\/p>\n

Ben noticed that the fire had been burning for some time, judging by the amount of ash in the hearth.<\/p>\n

\u201cHave you been up long?\u201d he asked.<\/p>\n

\u201cNo,\u201d Adam lied, not wanting his father to worry.<\/p>\n

\u201cAdam, about Becky\u2026\u201d<\/p>\n

\u201cLeave it, Pa. I don\u2019t want to talk about it.\u201d<\/p>\n

Ben acknowledged to himself that he would wait for a more opportune time. \u201cWell, you needn\u2019t do a lot today, get some rest after your trip,\u201d he suggested.<\/p>\n

The last thing Adam wanted to do was sit around all day, it would only give him more time to remember. \u201cI thought that I would clear some of the paperwork and then check the logging camp, see how things are up there.\u201d<\/p>\n

\u201cIf that\u2019s what you want, but we have been keeping an eye on things while you\u2019ve been gone.\u201d<\/p>\n

\u201cI know. I didn\u2019t mean\u2026\u201d Adam stopped, regretting the implied criticism. \u201cIn fact I think I might as well make a start now.\u201d He went to the desk in the alcove, taking the coffee with him. Ben watched as Adam got out the ledgers. He wanted to help his son, but if he wouldn\u2019t talk there was not much he could do.<\/p>\n

Soon the house was alive with early morning bustle. Hoss and Joe came down for breakfast, followed by Ben\u2019s wife, Alice. Ben called for Adam to join them at the table, but he refused, saying that he would eat later, for now he wanted to get on with the work that had accumulated. There was not really that much to do, but he knew that if he didn\u2019t eat his father would become concerned, and start to nag him.<\/p>\n

Breakfast was a quiet affair. The four who sat at the table were aware of the silent figure bent over his father\u2019s desk. The meal finished, Hoss and Joe left for work and Ben picked up his hat, saying that he was going to visit a neighbour. Once they were alone, Alice approached Adam.<\/p>\n

\u201cAdam,\u201d she said to get his attention. She waited for him to look at her. \u201cBen told me about you and Becky. I\u2019m so sorry.\u201d<\/p>\n

Adam sat back in the chair, throwing his pencil onto the desk. \u201cYeah, the timing could have been better, what with Joe\u2019s wedding.\u201d<\/p>\n

Adam looked up at his stepmother. He never thought of Alice that way, she had always been more like a mother to him, like the mother he might have known had his own not died when he was born. He stood up, leaving the books on which he was having trouble concentrating. He left his untouched coffee on the desk, and poured himself a fresh cup from the pot on the breakfast table. Alice watched him, concern written in the lines of her face.<\/p>\n

\u201cDo you want to tell me about it?\u201d she asked. Adam looked at her longingly. He took in the grey hair and neat appearance of this elderly woman whom he treasured. If there was anyone who might understand, it was Alice. He knew that she would not blame him, but the guilt and shame he felt prevented him from speaking, and he simply shook his head slowly. He drained his cup, replacing it on the table.<\/p>\n

He walked to the door, picking up his hat, and the gun belt that Caleb had given him. \u201cI\u2019m going up to the logging camp, I\u2019ll be back later.\u201d<\/p>\n

He rode up to the camp, where he found everything in order. The men were actually slightly ahead of schedule on the railroad contract, and the operation was working smoothly. Adam was almost regretful at their efficiency as it gave him nothing to do, but he stayed to help them.<\/p>\n

He worked hard, the physical effort helping to take his mind off the events of the past days. Late in the afternoon the work eased off, and he found thoughts coming unbidden into his mind. Images of Valerie and of Becky mingled in his head.<\/p>\n

He was standing beside a stack of timber that was waiting to be sent down the chute and into the river, for its journey to the sawmill. Two men were manoeuvring a last log of the day into position. Suddenly the pile started to move. The men jumped clear, but Adam just stood and stared at it, seeing it shift towards him. It seemed to move in slow motion. He could see the rough bark on the wood, hear the low rumble as the logs began to roll, but still he did not attempt to escape. He thought that if he simply stayed where he was the timber would roll over him, taking him away from this world and its pain. He heard shouting, and then suddenly he felt a thud in his back and a blinding pain in his head.<\/p>\n

When he came round, he was looking up into the face of Ed South, the logging foreman. Ed was a big, burly man, who ran the camp with a firm hand, but at that moment he was angry and scared.<\/p>\n

\u201cWhat did you think you were doing?\u201d Ed asked fiercely. \u201cYou could see the stack shifting. Why didn\u2019t you move?\u201d<\/p>\n

Adam blinked several times, and then held out his hand for Ed to help him up onto unsteady legs, his head swimming and aching fiercely. \u201cI\u2019m sorry,\u201d Adam said slowly. \u201cMy mind was miles away.\u201d<\/p>\n

\u201cYeah, well. I wasn\u2019t looking forward to having to tell your Pa that I had let his son get killed.\u201d Ed stepped forward, and used his kerchief to dab at the blood running down Adam\u2019s face from a cut eyebrow. Adam took the cloth and pressed it against the wound.<\/p>\n

\u201cI\u2019m sorry, Ed, and thank you.\u201d He held out his hand and Ed shook it. The foreman had known all day that something was wrong. He thought that he might speak to Ben anyway, tell him what he had seen.<\/p>\n

When Adam arrived home his headache was no more than an annoyance, but he wouldn\u2019t be able to hide from his father his cut and bruised face.<\/p>\n

\u201cWhat happened?\u201d Ben demanded when he saw the damage.<\/p>\n

Adam decided that something close to the truth would be easiest. \u201cIt\u2019s all right, I was just careless. You know that you can\u2019t let your mind wander on a logging site. Well, it won\u2019t surprise you to know, under the circumstances, that that\u2019s exactly what I did. I wasn\u2019t paying attention to a pile of logs that slipped, but Ed pushed me out of the way.\u201d<\/p>\n

\u201cHow do you feel?\u201d<\/p>\n

\u201cI\u2019m OK, but if you don\u2019t mind I think I\u2019ll go up to my room.\u201d Adam saw a way to escape supper, and the questions of his family.<\/p>\n

\u201cI\u2019ll have Hop Sing bring you some food.\u201d Ben hoped that his Chinese housekeeper could find something that would tempt Adam to eat. He knew that his son had not had any breakfast and suspected that he might not have eaten all day. Adam nodded his thanks, and went to his room.<\/p>\n

An hour later Ed South knocked on the front door, looking for Ben.<\/p>\n

\u201cHello Ed, how are things going?\u201d Ben greeted him.<\/p>\n

\u201cFine thanks, Ben.\u201d The two men had known each other for many years, and Ed felt that their relationship was such that he could speak openly. \u201cBut there\u2019s something I think you should know. Can we speak alone?\u201d<\/p>\n

Ben took Ed outside, and they wandered together down to the corral.<\/p>\n

\u201cWhat is it?\u201d Ben asked a little anxiously.<\/p>\n

\u201cIt\u2019s about Adam. Did you know he spent the day at the logging camp?\u201d Ben nodded. \u201cWell, I was watching him. He worked all day like the devil was after him. Did he tell you about the stack slipping?\u201d Again, Ben nodded. \u201cBen, he just stood and watched it. He wasn\u2019t going to move. It was almost as though he wanted it to get him.\u201d<\/p>\n

\u201cHe told me about it, said that his mind was elsewhere.\u201d<\/p>\n

\u201cThat\u2019s as maybe, but he knew what was happening, you could see it in his face. He was watching those logs roll.\u201d Ed tried to get Ben to see that Adam had not told him the entire truth.<\/p>\n

\u201cEd, Adam and Becky have separated. I expect he was thinking more about that than the danger.\u201d<\/p>\n

Ed was taken aback. Of all the couples he knew, he would have said that Adam and Becky were the least likely to have marital difficulties. \u201cI sure am sad to hear that, Ben. It would explain his behaviour during the day, but I\u2019m telling you he didn\u2019t want to avoid those logs. You\u2019d best look after him, don\u2019t know what he mightn\u2019t do.\u201d<\/p>\n

Ben put his hand on Ed\u2019s shoulder and turned to face him. \u201cThanks Ed. Thanks for looking out for Adam, and for your concern.\u201d<\/p>\n

Ed nodded and went to the bunkhouse, leaving Ben leaning on the corral fence, deep in thought. He could understand Adam being upset at the separation from Becky, but did he really intend for the logs to kill him? There was no point in talking to Adam about it, he would deny everything. Perhaps Ed was wrong. His son was too sensible to throw his life away, wasn\u2019t he? Surely it was simply whatever argument he had had with his wife that caused a momentary lapse in his concentration, and once Adam sorted that out, hopefully by repairing the split with Becky, he would carry on as normal.<\/p>\n

Ben wandered slowly back to the house. He had decided that he would watch Adam carefully for signs of trouble.<\/p>\n

Adam was in his room lying on his bed, thinking back over the day. Deep inside, he was frightened. He knew that he had intended the logs to kill him, and that he had not made the conscious decision to do so. He gripped the covers fiercely, this was what Valerie had done to him by her scheming, and Becky had done by her dismissal of him. He couldn\u2019t fight both of them, but he had to do something. He never wanted to see Valerie again, but he desperately wanted Becky. He would have to go and see her, but perhaps it was too soon. He would give her time to think over what he had told her. Maybe she would send word that she wanted to see him, and if not he would go to her in a few days. Until then, he would wait, careful to be aware of what might happen if he let his mind wander.<\/p>\n

That night his troubled dreams were filled with images of Valerie and Becky. Valerie was trying to claim him, and Becky was pushing him towards her. Adam cried out as Valerie held his arms, preventing him from reaching Becky.<\/p>\n

He woke with Joe\u2019s hand on his shoulder, shaking him. \u201cAdam, wake up, you were dreaming.\u201d<\/p>\n

Adam blinked at his brother as the dream faded away. \u201cI\u2019m sorry. I didn\u2019t mean to wake you.\u201d<\/p>\n

Joe sat on the side of the bed, looking down at his brother\u2019s pale, perspiration covered face. \u201cDon\u2019t worry about it, I wasn\u2019t asleep. Do you want to tell me about it?\u201d<\/p>\n

\u201cNo. It was just a dream, its gone now, go back to bed.\u201d<\/p>\n

\u201cYou\u2019re sure you\u2019re all right?\u201d Joe knew that Adam didn\u2019t often suffer from nightmares. They were usually caused by something unsettling in one\u2019s life, and his brother could handle most things that life threw his way. But this rift with Becky was different.<\/p>\n

\u201cYes, I\u2019m fine.\u201d Adam assured him. Joe left with a backward glance, worried for his brother.<\/p>\n

Adam lay for a long time, staring at the ceiling. He smiled inwardly to himself as he thought that he really ought to paint some pictures on that ceiling, it would give him something to look at. Then he turned up the lamp and lay reading. Eventually he heard his family stir, and the early morning sounds of preparations for the day. He ignored the temptation to get up, until the sounds had disappeared.<\/p>\n

He came down late for breakfast in order to avoid the curiosity of his family. He had decided to take his father\u2019s advice and have a quiet day. But after two hours of prowling the house, unable to settle, he picked up his hat and the old gun belt that Caleb had given him, and went for a ride.<\/p>\n

The forest was quiet as he rode through its dark, lonely depths, and the smell of the pines filled his nostrils. He breathed deeply, relishing the aroma of freedom. Freedom to come and go as he would, freedom from want, and need, and persecution. How many people could say that? He knew he was fortunate in his life and he was grateful for it, never taking it for granted. He stopped Fiddler, and just sat, letting the peace around him sink into his soul. But then his thoughts turned inwards and anger rose in him. Two women had taken his peace and torn it to shreds. One through hurt, and one through\u2026 what\u2026 loneliness? One he could forgive, the other, never.<\/p>\n

Adam kicked Fiddler into a gallop and rode hard, letting the wind blow away his anger. He pulled up, feeling better for the exertion, then he remembered hearing Hoss say that he was going to check on some fences, and decided to join him. He found his brother at the edge of the south section, digging postholes. Hoss stopped and straightened as he heard a horse approach, but was surprised to see his elder brother. Adam unbuckled his gun belt and hung it on his saddle horn, then picked up a pair of pliers, preparing to restring the wire between the posts that Hoss had already placed in position.<\/p>\n

They worked silently, until Hoss called a halt for some refreshment. He went over to where Adam was working and sat on the ground, with a pack of sandwiches and his canteen. Adam took no notice of him, but continued working.<\/p>\n

\u201cHey, Adam. Stop for a spell. Have a drink at least.\u201d<\/p>\n

Adam threw down the pliers and taking his own canteen in his hand, sat down. They stayed unspeaking but comfortable together, for some minutes.<\/p>\n

\u201cYou wanna talk about it?\u201d asked Hoss, not looking at Adam, who was staring off into the distance, his thoughts as far away as the distant mountains.<\/p>\n

\u201cNo.\u201d<\/p>\n

\u201cAdam, sometimes it helps you know.\u201d Hoss put out his hand to touch Adam\u2019s shoulder. He could feel the tenseness in the muscles under the black shirt.<\/p>\n

Adam turned his head to study his brother\u2019s face, seeing only goodness there. He tried to imagine Hoss as malevolent, but the image was so far removed from reality that he found it impossible. Again, he considered the fine line between good and evil. What makes one person kind and generous, as Hoss was, and another evil and scheming? Was it simply a person\u2019s nature, or was it life that turned the virtuous wicked? He remembered his uncharacteristic action, when he was driven to hit Valerie; and he admitted to himself that she had not robbed him. He decided that probably no one was totally good, or totally evil.<\/p>\n

\u201cHoss, I can\u2019t talk about it now. I need to sort out some things for myself first. But thank you.\u201d He took another pull at the canteen, then rose and went back to work.<\/p>\n

As the sun passed its midday height, the day became hot and both men stripped off their shirts. It had been Adam\u2019s habit to keep his shirtsleeves rolled up on his forearms, but since his return he had kept them buttoned. Now Hoss could see the bandage on his arm.<\/p>\n

\u201cWhat happened?\u201d he asked curiously.<\/p>\n

Adam stared down at his arm, not answering. He shut his eyes and took a deep breath. Hoss noticed, and came over to his brother, taking both shoulders in his strong grip. He waited until Adam looked up at him.<\/p>\n

\u201cAdam, tell me. How did you hurt your arm?\u201d Hoss asked, concerned.<\/p>\n

Inexplicably, Hoss saw a look of relief cross Adam\u2019s face.<\/p>\n

\u201cOh, this?\u201d Adam said, raising his arm. \u201cA fight in a saloon. The man caught me with his knife.\u201d<\/p>\n

Hoss stood back, letting go of Adam\u2019s shoulders. \u201cI thought that you was always supposed to set me an\u2019 Joe a good example!\u201d Hoss laughed, remembering his youth and the lectures about brawling that he got from his elder brother.<\/p>\n

The look of relief on Adam\u2019s face changed abruptly to something altogether darker. \u201cYeah, well times change.\u201d Adam turned away and went back to stringing the wire. Hoss watched him, a frown on his face, as he saw how Adam threw himself into the work, careless of the pointed barbs. At the end of half an hour, he noticed that Adam\u2019s left hand was covered in blood, and he went over to him. Hoss stopped Adam working by the simple expedient of taking hold of both his wrists. Adam resisted, but finally gave up struggling against his brother\u2019s superior strength.<\/p>\n

\u201cFor Heaven\u2019s sake Adam, what\u2019s got into you, look what you\u2019ve done.\u201d<\/p>\n

Adam glanced down at his hand, seeing for the first time the damage he had caused.<\/p>\n

Hoss waited until Adam raised his head, then spoke again, pleading with his brother for information. \u201cTell me what happened. It must have been something while you were away, you didn\u2019t have time when you got back, what was it?\u201d<\/p>\n

Hoss saw a pained expression cross Adam\u2019s face as he opened his mouth to speak. At first, no words came, then he shook his head. \u201cI can\u2019t.\u201d Then again, softer but insistent, \u201cI can\u2019t.\u201d The shame of what he had done overwhelmed him. He pulled away and went to pick up his shirt, which he put on, wiping his hands on the tails before tucking them into his pants. He silently mounted Fiddler and rode off.<\/p>\n

Hoss watched him go, and then retrieved his own shirt. He headed back home; he had to find his father, to tell him what had occurred.<\/p>\n

Adam rode blindly until he came to a narrow, fast flowing river, where he dismounted and bathed his hand. He looked into the river, clean and clear, and put his other hand into the icy cold water, then he immersed his arms up to the shoulders. Slowly he lowered his whole body into the water, letting it flow over him, losing himself in the cold current, as it washed away his wrongdoing. Suddenly he became aware that he was sinking, and remembering what he had been tempted to do at the logging camp, he reluctantly made his way back to the bank.<\/p>\n

He sat beside the water, watching the sparks of sunlight that were thrown off it as it leaped over the rocks in the riverbed, trying to make his mind concentrate on them and block out all other thoughts, but as his clothes dried on him, he felt his memories return; apparently, they couldn\u2019t be washed away so easily. He looked at his hand and was satisfied that the cuts were sealed, so he mounted and rode slowly homeward. He passed, without looking, the turnoff that would have taken him to his own home and Becky, continuing instead straight on towards the house he would again learn to call \u2018home\u2019.<\/p>\n

Ben had been into Virginia City, and when he returned Hoss told him of what Adam had done. Ben was worried, it looked as though Ed had been correct. If Adam let himself get hurt, apparently without even noticing, was he safe to be alone about the ranch? But he was a grown man, his family couldn\u2019t spend their lives guarding him, and Adam wouldn\u2019t stand for it.<\/p>\n

Supper appeared on the table at the same time that Adam came through the front door. Ben intercepted him as he made his way to the stairs, and put his hand on his son\u2019s shoulder. \u201cAdam, come and have some supper.\u201d<\/p>\n

\u201cNo thanks, Pa, I\u2019m not that hungry.\u201d Adam made to turn away, but Ben held him, strengthening his grip.<\/p>\n

\u201cThat wasn\u2019t an invitation, it was an order.\u201d Ben insisted. Adam paused for a moment, considering the consequences of any reaction. He nodded and followed Ben, taking his once accustomed place opposite his father, who sat at the head of the table. Hoss, Joe and Alice were already seated and greeted Adam with smiles. He returned their looks, unsmiling, and as the conversation flowed back and forth, he pushed his food around his plate, occasionally taking a small mouthful so as to appear to be eating.<\/p>\n

As soon as he could, Adam left the table and retired to his room. The family used the time at the end of the day to sit, talking. It was usually the only chance they would have to be together, if they had not met at breakfast. Adam could not sit there pretending to a normality that he did not feel, and his silent presence would disturb them.<\/p>\n

There was a quiet knock on his bedroom door, which Adam knew he should not ignore.<\/p>\n

\u201cCome in,\u201d he responded. Ben came through the door, shutting it solidly behind him. As Adam looked up, he saw that his father had a parcel in one hand, strips of cloth in the other.<\/p>\n

Ben held out the package. \u201cI got this for you today, when I was in town.\u201d<\/p>\n

Adam stood and took the heavy parcel, searching his father\u2019s face for a clue to its contents. Seeing none, he undid the string, allowing the paper to fall to the floor.<\/p>\n

\u201cI noticed that you didn\u2019t have yours,\u201d said Ben, as Adam stood staring at the black leather gun belt, complete with Colt revolver. \u201cWhere did you get the one you came home with?\u201d Ben hoped that once he could get Adam talking, he might find out the reason for the rift in his son\u2019s marriage.<\/p>\n

\u201cSomeone gave it to me.\u201d<\/p>\n

\u201cSomeone just gave you their gun?\u201d asked Ben doubtfully.<\/p>\n

\u201cYes.\u201d Adam\u2019s voice was flat, not encouraging his father\u2019s questions.<\/p>\n

\u201cWhat happened to yours?\u201d<\/p>\n

\u201cI\u2026I lost it.\u201d<\/p>\n

\u201cYou lost it.\u201d Blood from a stone would have been easier, thought Ben. He continued to probe softly. \u201cWhere?\u201d<\/p>\n

Adam shook his head. \u201cIt doesn\u2019t matter.\u201d<\/p>\n

\u201cAdam, a man doesn\u2019t simply lose his gun.\u201d<\/p>\n

\u201cWell, I did.\u201d Adam turned away. He was touched by the gift, and the love behind it, but he couldn\u2019t bring himself to tell his father what had happened to its predecessor. He felt Ben standing close behind him.<\/p>\n

\u201cSon, let me take a look at your arm.\u201d Ben reached round Adam and took hold of his left wrist. Adam was about to pull away, to tell his father to stop interfering, then he relaxed and sat on the bed, while Ben unwrapped the bandage. Adam was surprised when he saw the wound was still open. He remembered that when he was with Valerie it had felt so much better, and he had thought that, while it was still painful, it must be on the way to being healed. When Ben saw the gash, red with spots of blood oozing down its length, he looked at Adam, waiting for an explanation.<\/p>\n

\u201cI got into a fight, in a saloon.\u201d<\/p>\n

\u201cWhat happened?\u201d Ben brought a bowl of water from the washstand and started to bathe the cut. Adam didn\u2019t move, letting his father tend to him.<\/p>\n

\u201cIt was nothing really, just a jealous cowhand. The sheriff took care of him.\u201d<\/p>\n

\u201cAnd who took care of you?\u201d Ben could see that the arm was still slightly swollen, an unmistakeable sign of past infection.<\/p>\n

\u201cThe town doctor bandaged it.\u201d<\/p>\n

\u201cWhat happened to the cow punch?\u201d<\/p>\n

\u201cNothing. I decided that it wasn\u2019t worth the bother of pressing charges. It would have meant staying there while they set up a trial. I just wanted to be on my way.\u201d<\/p>\n

\u201cWhat about the infection?\u201d Ben felt Adam\u2019s muscles tense beneath his hand.<\/p>\n

\u201cWhat infection?\u201d Adam eyed Ben suspiciously.<\/p>\n

\u201cSon, I\u2019m not blind, I can see that this wound is deep and has hardly started to heal. How long ago did it happen?\u201d<\/p>\n

Adam spoke softly, to take from his words any suggestion of annoyance. \u201cPa, leave it. I know what you\u2019re doing and I appreciate it, but I really don\u2019t want to talk about it. I just want to forget it.\u201d<\/p>\n

Ben glanced up, and then returned his attention to his work. He had efficiently dealt with Adam\u2019s arm and had started on his son\u2019s damaged hand. \u201cThat seems to be easier said than done,\u201d he observed wryly.<\/p>\n

\u201cIt is.\u201d Adam agreed solemnly. When Ben had finished, Adam cradled his throbbing left arm with his right, watching as the older man put the bowl back on the washstand and came to sit on the bed beside him.<\/p>\n

\u201cAdam, I\u2019m trying to help, but I can\u2019t if you won\u2019t tell me.\u201d<\/p>\n

\u201cThat\u2019s because no one can help.\u201d Adam shook his head sadly. \u201cWhat\u2019s done is done, and nothing\u2019s going to change it.\u201d<\/p>\n

Ben gave up, knowing that he would not get anything else from his determined offspring. He stood, preparing to leave. \u201cI\u2019m going to get Paul to have a look at your arm. I don\u2019t want you away from the house until it\u2019s healed,\u201d he commanded.<\/p>\n

Adam rose to his feet, angry at his father\u2019s interference. \u201cPa, I\u2019m not a child, you can\u2019t confine me to the ranch as though I were ten years old.\u201d<\/p>\n

\u201cNo, I can\u2019t.\u201d Ben retaliated. \u201cBut I had hoped that you would have more sense than a ten year old.\u201d<\/p>\n

Adam didn\u2019t reply, afraid that his anger would get the better of him and he might say something he would regret. He knew that his father was simply concerned for him.<\/p>\n

Ben took a step towards him, and spoke softly. \u201cSon, I\u2019ll be honest with you. I\u2019m worried about you when you can do something like that without even knowing it.\u201d Ben nodded towards Adam\u2019s hand. \u201cI know that you have a problem, that much is obvious, and that you like to deal with these things in your own way. I\u2019ll respect that and will not ask you about it again, but please do as I say. Any solution you are looking for will not be made easier to find if that gets infected again,\u201d said Ben pointing to the bandaged arm.<\/p>\n

Adam relented. \u201cOK, anything you say.\u201d<\/p>\n

Ben nodded, satisfied, and left.
\nChapter Four<\/p>\n

In the quiet depths of the night, Adam\u2019s dreams came again. He was riding through the pine forests of the ranch. At first, all seemed normal and some semi-conscious corner of his mind was surprised at the serenity of the scene of which he was part, then the nightmare took over. Becky stood in his path, facing him and smiling. He was about to call out to greet her, pleased that she looked happy to see him. Then he felt himself kick his horse into motion, heading straight at her. The horse caught her and threw her into the air, where she turned into a bird, an eagle with talons the size of daggers. She swept down, attacking him. He put up his left arm to defend his face and the talons tore into his already injured arm, tearing off the bandage and ripping great furrows through the flesh. Adam cried out, and finding that he was now on foot, he ran. But as he ran, he saw Valerie standing in front of him, holding out her arms, and beckoning to him. He was almost within her grasp when he stopped, irresolute. The eagle swooped again, catching his face with its talons as he looked up. He turned aside and headed into the forest until he realised that he was lost. He kept running blindly, not noticing the ravine in front of him. Then suddenly he was falling, and woke with a start.<\/p>\n

He lay breathing heavily, sweat standing out on his face and body. As he reached out with his right hand to turn up the lamp beside the bed, he saw that his fingers were blood stained. He stared at them for a moment then looked at his left arm, which was throbbing painfully. The bandage had been torn away and the cut was bleeding profusely. Adam sat up, startled. He stared at the damage and knew there was only one way that it could have been caused. He got out of bed and went to the washstand, where he reluctantly looked in the mirror. Sure enough, down his right cheek he could see two livid red parallel lines. He raised his fingers to his face and slowly matched them to the marks, feeling the slightly raised welts. He shuddered as he realised what he had done. He washed off the blood from his arm, replaced the bandage, and then sat down on the side of the bed, shaking. He had done this to himself because of a dream!<\/p>\n

He dressed slowly and made his way quietly downstairs. As he had the night before, he stoked up the fire and settled himself on the table. He glanced round at the grandfather clock beside the front door. It was only half past one, there was still much of the night left. He knew that he should return to bed, but then thought of what might happen if he slept. Suppose that in his dreams Valerie, or Becky, tried to kill him, would he be driven to take his own life? He turned and looked longingly at the small table beside the staircase, with its decanters of whiskey and brandy. He could drink himself into dreamless sleep, no one would know. He rose, approaching the table thoughtfully. He put his hand on the brandy decanter, but then took a deep breath and let his hand drop to his side. No, he would know, and he was determined that he was not going to go down that road.<\/p>\n

He went to the kitchen to make some coffee, then sat drinking it, staring into the fire. He thought about Joe\u2019s upcoming marriage, and how desperately he wanted his own marriage back in one piece. He decided that he would go and see Becky without delay. She might not want to talk to him but he had to try, he wasn\u2019t going to just walk away without a fight, and he knew it was the only way that he was ever going to be able to sleep peacefully. Once he was certain that the dream was cleared from his mind, he went back upstairs to his room.<\/p>\n

In the morning when he woke, he could not remember having dreamed again during the night. He knew that the positive decision he had made, to go and see Becky immediately, had laid to rest some of the reasons for his nightmares. He wanted to look his best when he saw Becky, so he shaved and dressed carefully in his usual black shirt and pants, then he went downstairs, where the rest of the family were already seated for breakfast.<\/p>\n

Ben was delighted that Adam was joining them willingly for a meal, and thought that he seemed brighter. \u201cGood morning, son, did you sleep well?\u201d Ben enquired, thinking perhaps that was the reason for his son\u2019s happier countenance.<\/p>\n

\u201cNo,\u201d Adam stated, not elaborating, but not seeming upset by the fact. He sat down and helped himself to a plate of eggs, bacon and biscuits. He didn\u2019t use his left arm any more than he had to. His nocturnal attack on it had made the muscle stiff and painful.<\/p>\n

\u201cWell,\u201d said Hoss, \u201cyour appetite seems to have improved.\u201d<\/p>\n

\u201cNo point in starving,\u201d Adam observed, tucking into his meal.<\/p>\n

Ben and Alice exchanged relieved glances, it seemed as though Adam was putting behind him whatever it was that had occurred. The chatter round the table was light hearted, and while Adam did not join in, Ben could see that he was more relaxed.<\/p>\n

Joe turned to Adam. \u201cHoss told me that you helped him with the fences yesterday. How about coming and breaking a few horses for me today?\u201d<\/p>\n

Adam finished his mouthful and took a sip of coffee before replying. \u201cNot today, Pa\u2019s confined me to the house.\u201d Adam smiled at his father.<\/p>\n

Joe looked downcast. \u201cI wish he\u2019d do that to me. Some of those horses are downright mean.\u201d<\/p>\n

\u201cJoe, you know you love it,\u201d Adam observed lightly. \u201cThere\u2019s no need for you to be doing it if you didn\u2019t want to.\u201d<\/p>\n

\u201cYou\u2019re right.\u201d Joe stood. \u201cAnd I\u2019d better be getting on with it, or I\u2019ll never make it back in time for supper.\u201d<\/p>\n

\u201cAnd that fencing ain\u2019t finished yet.\u201d Hoss followed Joe out of the door.<\/p>\n

Ben got to his feet calling after Hoss. \u201cJust a minute, I want to ask you something.\u201d He hurried after his son, leaving Adam and Alice alone at the table.<\/p>\n

\u201cWhat happened to your face?\u201d Alice always came straight to the point when she had something to say. She had noticed the marks, which had not been there the night before.<\/p>\n

\u201cNothing, don\u2019t worry about it.\u201d<\/p>\n

\u201cAnd I suppose nothing happened to your arm at the same time. You have hardly used it this morning.\u201d<\/p>\n

Adam picked up his coffee and went to sit on the sofa. Alice followed him.<\/p>\n

\u201cAdam, tell me,\u201d she said sternly.<\/p>\n

He had always found it difficult to resist Alice, particularly when she was this determined. He explained about his dream and the result of it.<\/p>\n

\u201cAdam, what happened while you were away, why did Becky ask you to leave?\u201d<\/p>\n

Adam looked at her for a long time, considering. \u201cIf I tell you, you must promise not to tell Pa.\u201d<\/p>\n

Over the many years that she had known him, Adam had always kept his problems to himself, rarely sharing them until he had a solution. Sometimes the route to that solution was a difficult and rocky one, but he would not give up before he found it. Now it seemed that he was willing to talk, and while Alice was uncertain about keeping things from Ben, if that was the only way to get him to tell her, then she would respect his wishes. \u201cOf course I promise, but why not tell him?\u201d<\/p>\n

\u201cBecause people always say that Pa and I are very much alike.\u201d Adam smiled thinly at Alice. \u201cBoth of us are stubborn and determined, but we care about our family. But I did something that Pa could never do, and he would be ashamed of me if he knew.\u201d<\/p>\n

Alice was taken aback at his words, she could not imagine Ben ever being ashamed of his beloved eldest son. \u201cGo on,\u201d she encouraged him.<\/p>\n

\u201cI was unfaithful to Becky.\u201d<\/p>\n

The words hung in the air between them. Alice was speechless at Adam\u2019s confession. She couldn\u2019t imagine him doing such a thing.<\/p>\n

\u201cWhy?\u201d she asked.<\/p>\n

Adam explained what had happened while he was with Valerie, and his part in it. Alice was shocked.<\/p>\n

\u201cI can see why you don\u2019t want your father to know,\u201d she said thoughtfully.<\/p>\n

He tried to justify his actions. \u201cI didn\u2019t know what I was doing, I was drunk, I would never have done it knowingly.\u201d<\/p>\n

\u201cBut how could you?\u201d Alice knew it was so far out of character for Adam to have done such a thing.<\/p>\n

Adam interpreted the look in Alice\u2019s eyes as disappointment, and wished that he had said nothing. He stood and started to pace in front of her. \u201cI shouldn\u2019t have told you, I\u2019m sorry.\u201d He was sorry that he had gone down in her estimation.<\/p>\n

\u201cDon\u2019t be silly, you should have told me before.\u201d Alice rose and stopped Adam pacing by taking hold of his arms. She waited until he looked at her. \u201cI meant that there has to be more to it. I can\u2019t believe that you would do it even if you were drunk.\u201d<\/p>\n

Adam shook his head. \u201cI\u2019ve told you exactly what happened, and how, there is no more to tell. I did it, and I will never forgive myself for hurting Becky. But I didn\u2019t do it knowingly.\u201d He took a deep breath and turned away from Alice. \u201cI\u2019ve decided to go and see Becky. I don\u2019t know if she will talk to me, but I have to do something, I can\u2019t go on like this.\u201d<\/p>\n

\u201cOf course, you must see her, try to explain it to her again. I\u2019m sure that now she has had time to think about it, she will think as I do, that you wouldn\u2019t have done it deliberately. Would you like me to come with you?\u201d Alice offered. Adam turned back to face her, and then shook his head.<\/p>\n

\u201cIf it works out there\u2019s no need, and if it doesn\u2019t I don\u2019t think it will make any difference. But you could persuade Pa to let me leave the ranch,\u201d he laughed without humour.<\/p>\n

Alice nodded. \u201cI\u2019m sure he will let you go, and if he tries to stop you he will have me to answer to. But I think you should let me come with you. I can take the children for a ride. It will give you and Becky time to talk.\u201d<\/p>\n

Adam agreed, and they went together to find Becky. Adam rode towards his house with a certain amount of trepidation. Usually he would have a plan of action for such a meeting. But this time he purposefully hadn\u2019t thought about what he was going to say, so much depended on Becky\u2019s reaction when she saw him, and his words had to come from his heart, not his head.<\/p>\n

Alice sat in the buggy while Adam went up the steps towards the front door. She could see him hesitate before he knocked. Then he straightened his back and rapped firmly on the wood.<\/p>\n

A minute later Becky stood in the open doorway. The look on her face was first one of surprise, then wariness.<\/p>\n

\u201cAdam, I didn\u2019t expect to see you here.\u201d She looked over his shoulder and saw Alice. \u201cWhat\u2019s this, reinforcements?\u201d<\/p>\n

\u201cAlice is going to take the children out in the buggy,\u201d he stated calmly. \u201cWould you go and get them, please.\u201d His calmness was tinged with firmness, and Becky turned back into the house, where she rounded up the children and led them outside. Adam bent down and picked up his younger daughter.<\/p>\n

\u201cDada, wanna play.\u201d Little Alice put her arms round Adam\u2019s neck, holding him tightly.<\/p>\n

\u201cI know, darling, but for now I want you to go with Grandma. Perhaps we can play later.\u201d Adam swallowed a lump that had appeared in his throat. He put Alice down and led her by the hand towards the buggy, followed by Josh and Elizabeth, who had slipped her hand into her father\u2019s.<\/p>\n

Adam lifted Alice onto the seat, her face downcast at having to leave. \u201cDada, love you.\u201d<\/p>\n

Adam had to resist the urge to take her in his arms, that wasn\u2019t why he was here. Instead, he kissed her on the top of her head and told them all to be good for Grandma.<\/p>\n

\u201cWe\u2019ll be about an hour,\u201d Alice informed him. That should give him plenty of time to make amends, she thought. Then she drove off, waving to them, sending them silent good wishes.<\/p>\n

Becky led the way into the parlour, where she stopped and turned to face him.<\/p>\n

\u201cWell,\u201d she said, waiting.<\/p>\n

\u201cBecky, we must talk. I don\u2019t want it to end like this. I\u2019m not prepared to stand by and see our marriage thrown away.\u201d Adam had a determined look on his face that Becky recognised, but she was not going to be intimidated by it.<\/p>\n

\u201cI\u2019m listening.\u201d Becky had thought long over what Adam had told her, and she was slowly coming to the conclusion that perhaps she had been unfair to him. But she still had the feeling that he could have prevented what happened, that he had not been a totally unwilling partner.<\/p>\n

\u201cBecky, do you remember when you came home and found me kissing Andrea?\u201d<\/p>\n

Becky nodded, recalling the time before they were married. Her sister had manoeuvred Adam into a compromising situation, without his knowing it. He was recovering from a skull fracture, and due to exhaustion was barely conscious and totally unaware that Andrea was kissing him.<\/p>\n

When he saw Becky nod, Adam continued, spreading his arms in supplication. \u201cWhy can\u2019t you believe me now, like you did then?\u201d<\/p>\n

\u201cYou expect me to believe that the same thing could happen twice. I\u2019m beginning to wonder just how much of an innocent party you were then.\u201d<\/p>\n

Adam was shocked and his voice rose, hurt and angry. \u201cBecky! Andrea admitted what she had done, and how she tried to drive us apart. You know that.\u201d He stopped. Shouting at Becky was not the way to get her back. He continued more quietly. \u201cValerie was a bitter, lonely woman who saw her chance and took it. She engineered the whole thing. She must have got me so drunk that I had no idea what she was doing, or what I was doing.\u201d<\/p>\n

He took a hesitant step towards Becky, and when she didn\u2019t back away, he took another, and then another, until he was standing in front of her. He reached out and took her shoulders tenderly in his hands, looking down at her. He spoke softly. \u201cWhen I was\u2026with Valerie, it was you I saw laying beside me, it was you I thought that I had in my arms, not her. I could see you clearly. It was very real at the time, I thought that you were really there, and I was overjoyed to have you so close.\u201d<\/p>\n

Becky looked deep into his eyes and he didn\u2019t look away, wanting her to see that he was telling the truth, to believe in her heart the things he was saying.<\/p>\n

She put her head on his shoulder as her arms went round his waist. \u201cOh, Adam, I want to believe you, but you can see how I feel, can\u2019t you?\u201d<\/p>\n

He put his arms round her, treasuring being this close to his wife once more. \u201cOf course. I don\u2019t expect you to ignore what has happened. I can\u2019t, and it\u2019s tearing me apart inside, knowing what I did, and how I must have hurt you. I would never do that deliberately. All I ask is that you try to understand. I\u2019m not looking for forgiveness, only understanding.\u201d<\/p>\n

\u201cAdam, I do understand.\u201d She lifted her head to look at him, a smile playing at the corners of her mouth. \u201cIf you hadn\u2019t come here today I was going to send for you.\u201d<\/p>\n

Adam looked at her, surprised and pleased. \u201cYou were?\u201d<\/p>\n

\u201cYes. I know my husband very well after all these years. I know you would never deliberately set out to hurt me. I also know that you could have come home and not said anything about what happened. You didn\u2019t have to tell me.\u201d<\/p>\n

\u201cI did think about it.\u201d Adam smiled, knowing that had never really been an option.<\/p>\n

\u201cIt was the shock, you see. Hearing you say it. Can you forgive me for not believing you?\u201d<\/p>\n

Adam didn\u2019t speak, just bent his head, and kissed her. He wanted to be gentle, but passion gripped him and his kiss was hard and long. He held her, as a drowning man would grasp a floating log, as though his very life depended on it. He felt her body melt against his and said a silent prayer of thanks that he had got back the woman that he loved so deeply. They were still standing, embracing, when Alice returned. They went out of the house together, their arms around each other.<\/p>\n

Alice smiled as she saw they were happy. \u201cWell, I can see that my time has been well spent.\u201d<\/p>\n

Becky smiled up at her husband. \u201cYes it has, very well.\u201d She looked at her mother-in-law. \u201cI\u2019m grateful to you. Won\u2019t you come in?\u201d she invited.<\/p>\n

Alice looked at the pair of them standing beside the buggy, and shook her head. \u201cNo, and I think that we might go into town for some lunch.\u201d She turned to the children, sitting quietly beside her. \u201cWould you like that? Maybe we can find some ice cream.\u201d<\/p>\n

Little Alice\u2019s eyes lit up at the prospect and Josh and Elizabeth agreed eagerly. Alice drove off leaving Adam and Becky waving after them.<\/p>\n

\u201cWell,\u201d said Becky. \u201cWhat shall we do in the meantime?\u201d She didn\u2019t wait for an answer, but turned, led Adam into the house, and pulled him by the hand up the stairs to their bedroom. Becky was breathless with anticipation as she lay with Adam beside her. She turned towards him and stroked her hand slowly over his back, her fingers playing up and down his spine.<\/p>\n

She had wanted this moment ever since she saw him ride in after his trip. Then, after his revelations, she thought that it would never come, but now that it had, she was savouring every second. Just to have him touch her was a joy she thought she might have lost forever.<\/p>\n

Suddenly Adam rolled over, turning his back on her.<\/p>\n

\u201cWhat is it, what\u2019s wrong?\u201d Becky asked anxiously, reaching out to put her hand on his shoulder.<\/p>\n

Adam shrugged off the hand, and slipped from between the sheets to sit on the side of the bed.<\/p>\n

\u201cI can\u2019t do this. I\u2019m sorry.\u201d He put his head in his hands, breathing fast and hard.<\/p>\n

Becky got out of the other side of the bed, and after putting on her robe, she came to sit beside him. As she slipped a hand over his shoulders, she could feel him trembling. Adam closed his eyes, squeezing them shut, trying to wipe out the images he saw. He stood and silently dressed while Becky watched him, understanding dawning slowly.<\/p>\n

\u201cShe\u2019s still there isn\u2019t she?\u201d Becky asked.<\/p>\n

Adam nodded, not trusting himself to speak, because if he did it would all come pouring out. His anger and his hatred, both directed at Valerie, and his shame and loathing for himself, for the things he had allowed to happen.<\/p>\n

\u201cCome and lie down.\u201d Becky took his unresisting hand and made him lie on the bed, then she leant down and kissed him gently on the forehead. \u201cI\u2019m going to make you some coffee, then we\u2019ll talk.\u201d She disappeared and Adam lay gazing after her, then he covered his eyes with his arm.<\/p>\n

\u201cDear God, what have you done to me?\u201d he whispered hopelessly. He knew that Valerie had driven a wedge between him and Becky. Not perhaps as she had intended, but it was there all the same.<\/p>\n

Becky returned, holding a tray with coffee pot, cups and sandwiches. She sat down beside Adam, placing the tray between them, keeping her distance, not wanting to crowd him, though she desperately wanted to be close to him. She poured them both a cup of coffee, and then settled back against the headboard, waiting for him to speak.<\/p>\n

Adam knew he had to say something to explain his reaction. He sat up and stared into the cup he was holding, then looked up into his wife\u2019s eyes.<\/p>\n

\u201cBecky, first let me say that I love you, you know that don\u2019t you?\u201d<\/p>\n

Becky nodded. \u201cYes, of course.\u201d<\/p>\n

\u201cWhen I held you, thoughts of Valerie came into my head, thoughts that I couldn\u2019t ignore.\u201d Becky nodded, about to say that she understood, that he didn\u2019t need to explain. But he continued before she could speak, taking her hand in his. \u201cWhen you were in my arms, I remembered the vision I had of holding you, only to find that it was Valerie I had been holding. You seemed as real to me then as you do now. I was afraid that I was going to wake and find that it had happened again. I couldn\u2019t risk that.\u201d Adam\u2019s eyes glazed and he sipped his coffee absently.<\/p>\n

Becky put her hand over his. \u201cIt\u2019s all right, I do understand. It will take a little time, that\u2019s all. But you will forget. Now that you are back home I can help you put those memories where they belong, in the past.\u201d<\/p>\n

\u201cBecky, I want you more than you can know, but\u2026\u201d<\/p>\n

\u201cHush, now. Will you just hold me?\u201d<\/p>\n

Adam moved the tray aside and slid across the bed. He took Becky in his arms and she put her head on his shoulder, relishing his embrace. They stayed like that for a long time, not speaking, only needing to be close. Gradually they eased themselves down the bed until they were laying together peacefully, arms wrapped round each other.<\/p>\n

They stirred as they heard the sound of a horse pulling up outside. Adam went down and found Paul Martin at the front door.<\/p>\n

\u201cYour father told me about your arm. You weren\u2019t at the Ponderosa, so I came here.\u201d Paul entered behind Adam. \u201cLet me take a look at it.\u201d<\/p>\n

Adam was reluctant. \u201cPaul, it\u2019s fine. Pa shouldn\u2019t have troubled you.\u201d<\/p>\n

\u201cWell, I\u2019m here now, so how about you let me have a look?\u201d<\/p>\n

Adam sat down at the kitchen table, and quietly seethed at the fuss his father was making over something that didn\u2019t concern him.<\/p>\n

Paul noticed his reaction, but for the moment said nothing about it. He uncovered the wound. \u201cI would have stitched that,\u201d Paul observed.<\/p>\n

\u201cYes, but then you weren\u2019t there,\u201d Adam said shortly.<\/p>\n

The doctor glanced up at his patient. \u201cDo you want to tell me about it?\u201d he asked, continuing to work on treating the wound. Adam was about to shake his head, when Paul continued. \u201cAdam, as your doctor you know that anything you say to me will be treated in the strictest confidence.\u201d<\/p>\n

Adam looked thoughtfully at his friend. \u201cWell, there might be something you can do for me.\u201d Adam explained to him briefly what had happened, first with Valerie and just now with Becky. \u201cSo I was wondering if there is anything you know of that could help me to get over this feeling, that Valerie might be with me instead of Becky.\u201d<\/p>\n

At that moment, Becky joined them and sat down beside her husband, wincing as she saw for the first time the injury to his arm. As Paul finished tying the bandage, he looked at them both, considering.<\/p>\n

\u201cAdam, tell me again what happened, but in as much detail as you can. It is important that I know as much as possible, if I\u2019m going to be able to help you.\u201d<\/p>\n

Adam looked reluctant, but with encouragement from Becky, told his story. As it came out, Becky took his hand and held it tightly, reassuring him. When he had finished, Paul sat and thought over what he had heard.<\/p>\n

\u201cFrom what you say, I would certainly agree that Valerie was unbalanced to some degree. You say you think you were drunk?\u201d Adam nodded. \u201cYou\u2019ve been drunk before, has it ever made you feel like that? And have you ever been that drunk and not felt it the following day? You should at the very least have had a splitting headache.\u201d<\/p>\n

Adam thought back. \u201cNo, I felt weak and light headed.\u201d he said, wondering where the questions were leading.<\/p>\n

\u201cTell me again what she fed you, and gave you to drink.\u201d<\/p>\n

\u201cWell, I didn\u2019t eat much, but I drank a lot of coffee. It wasn\u2019t that good, strong and bitter, but I couldn\u2019t stomach anything else, and it did make me feel better.\u201d<\/p>\n

\u201cDid she encourage you to drink it?\u201d<\/p>\n

Adam shrugged. \u201cI suppose so. She gave it to me because I couldn\u2019t eat, I felt nauseous most of the time. Why?\u201d<\/p>\n

Paul ran over in his mind the details that Adam had given him. \u201cAdam, I don\u2019t think that you need to feel guilty about what you did.\u201d Adam was about to speak, but Paul held up his hand. \u201cWait, let me finish. You say that your arms and legs felt heavy, you were unable to eat, were tired all the time, and thought that your arm was better.\u201d Adam nodded. \u201cI think that what Valerie was doing was feeding you small doses of laudanum. That would account for the bitterness of the coffee, and all your other symptoms match the effects it would have. After four days of that, I very much doubt if you knew what you were doing. Then she gave you the whiskey as well. That would have been the final straw. One of the most common effects of laudanum in small quantities is a heightened imagination. A lot of writers and artists use it. It is quite possible that you believed Becky was beside you, you would have been able to feel her and touch her, and know it was real. You would have had no way of telling it was an illusion.\u201d<\/p>\n

Adam sat stunned. Could it be true that he had acted entirely innocently, that he hadn\u2019t simply been drunk? Had Valerie\u2019s scheming extended to slowly poisoning him into doing what he did? He turned to Becky, seeing the same look of hope in her eyes.<\/p>\n

He turned back to the doctor. \u201cPaul, are you sure?\u201d<\/p>\n

\u201cAs sure as I can be, from what you told me.\u201d<\/p>\n

\u201cThen that means\u2026\u201d Adam was unable to continue in the face of the enormity of what he was hearing.<\/p>\n

\u201cYes, it means that it won\u2019t happen again. Right now, you must realise that what you see and feel, is what you can actually see and feel. When Becky is beside you, you will know it is her, nobody else.\u201d<\/p>\n

Becky turned Adam towards her and held him tightly. \u201cMy darling, that\u2019s it, don\u2019t you see. You weren\u2019t unfaithful, because you couldn\u2019t have known that it wasn\u2019t me you were with. Let this release you from Valerie and the memory of what she did.\u201d<\/p>\n

Adam turned to the doctor. \u201cPaul I can\u2019t tell you how grateful I am. I\u2019m only sorry that I didn\u2019t speak to you about it before.\u201d<\/p>\n

\u201cWhy should you?\u201d Paul asked reasonably. \u201cYou had no reason to think that what happened was not caused by the drink alone. But Adam, let this be a lesson to you. You might have spared yourself and Becky a lot of heart ache if you had talked to me sooner. I know that this would have been difficult to confide to your father, but I\u2019m always there to talk things over when you need to. I meant what I said, anything you tell me, whether it\u2019s of a medical nature or not, will go no further, remember that.\u201d Paul stood. \u201cI must be going. I have some genuine patients to look after. I\u2019ll leave you two alone. I\u2019m sure that you have better things to do than sit here talking to me.\u201d He grinned at both of them and shut the front door quietly behind him.<\/p>\n

Becky and Adam stood staring at each other, then Becky laughed out loud. \u201cDo you want to give it another try?\u201d<\/p>\n

Adam\u2019s face became an unreadable mask. He was thinking of what Valerie had put him through, and what he had done to himself by believing that he had been drunk. Despite Paul\u2019s assurance, Adam knew it would take time to rid himself of the guilt he felt, but it was a beginning. He\u2019d only needed to speak to Paul to discover the truth. Would he be able to confide in the doctor next time he needed to? Adam shook his head; he knew that a lifetime of keeping things to himself couldn\u2019t be set aside so easily.<\/p>\n

Becky saw him shake his head and was worried that she had spoken too quickly. \u201cIt\u2019s all right, we don\u2019t have to. We can just sit quietly until Alice gets back with the children. I expect it will take you a while to get used to the idea that it was not in any way your fault.\u201d<\/p>\n

Adam looked at her, and smiled. \u201cI was thinking of something else, let\u2019s go.\u201d He took her hand and led her upstairs.<\/p>\n

When Alice returned she searched the house until she came to the bedroom. She knocked quietly and opened the door. There she saw Becky sitting up against the headboard, Adam\u2019s head cradled in her lap. He was asleep, and Becky put her finger to her lips, warning Alice to be quiet. Alice nodded, smiling, and went back downstairs to look after the children.<\/p>\n

Becky shook Adam gently and he woke, slowly remembering where he was. He sighed deeply, knowing that it was Becky that held him and he was grateful, both for her presence and for the dreamless sleep she had given him by welcoming him back.<\/p>\n

Adam went downstairs and was soon followed by Becky. They found Alice sitting on the veranda watching the children play. They were both full of apologies.<\/p>\n

\u201cPlease, my dears, I\u2019m fine. The children are quite happy, especially when I told them that their father was home.\u201d She smiled at them, reassuring them and herself that things were getting back to normal.
\nChapter Five<\/p>\n

Matilda Smith was making her regular weekly visit to the general store to stock up on the food she would need for the hungry patrons who came to the saloon because of her fine cooking. She had nearly finished her purchases and was passing the time of day with Mrs. Swenson, the wife of the proprietor. They both looked round as a young woman came in. They observed her plain clothing, a grey wool skirt topped by a cream linen blouse. Then they noticed her long flaxen hair and striking blue eyes.<\/p>\n

Mrs. Swenson called for her husband to attend to the newcomer, and then the ladies resumed their talk. Matilda stopped speaking as she heard the young woman chatting to Mr. Swenson.<\/p>\n

\u201cYes, I\u2019m going to Virginia City. To visit a friend,\u201d the woman said.<\/p>\n

Matilda turned to her. \u201cI have friends in Virginia City, perhaps I know them.\u201d<\/p>\n

The newcomer smiled condescendingly. \u201cOh, I shouldn\u2019t think so, they are the biggest landowners in Nevada Territory. I am a friend of the eldest son.\u201d The smile left her face as she added, \u201cOr I was.\u201d<\/p>\n

\u201cOh dear, what happened?\u201d Matilda was all ears. Anything to do with Adam interested her after his visit to them, and the condition in which he arrived.<\/p>\n

\u201cHe walked out on me.\u201d<\/p>\n

\u201cI\u2019m so sorry, Miss\u2026\u201d<\/p>\n

\u201cMrs. Mrs. Valerie Mackinnon.\u201d<\/p>\n

Matilda held out her hand, studying the woman. \u2018Valerie\u2019 was a name that she had heard Adam cry out in his sleep. \u201cMatilda Smith. You mean that he just up and left you. Why, that\u2019s awful,\u201d said Matilda encouraging Valerie to talk.<\/p>\n

\u201cAnd after I\u2019d taken him in and nursed him back to health.\u201d Valerie was filled with righteous indignation.<\/p>\n

\u201cMen can be so ungrateful. But I always think they are best forgotten, they will only break your heart.\u201d Matilda waited for Valerie\u2019s reaction, and was not disappointed.<\/p>\n

\u201cOh no, I\u2019m not going to forget this one. He\u2019s going to pay for leaving me.\u201d Valerie\u2019s lips were thin with suppressed anger.<\/p>\n

\u201cWell, I\u2019m sure you\u2019re right.\u201d Matilda turned to Mrs. Swenson. \u201cI really must be going, good day.\u201d<\/p>\n

Matilda left the store and hurried to the telegraph office, from where she sent a message to Virginia City.<\/p>\n

**********<\/p>\n

Adam was seated at his father\u2019s desk, working out the wages which were payable the following day. All around him was the bustle of preparation for Joe\u2019s wedding, which was to be held in the house. He tried to ignore it and concentrate, but it was hopeless, and he finally gave up.<\/p>\n

\u201cI\u2019m going outside until you lot can leave me in peace, even if that means me working all through the night,\u201d he said, laughing at the surprised expressions on the faces of his brothers and stepmother. He poured himself a cup of coffee from the pot that, during the preparations, had become a permanent fixture on the dining table, and took it outside. As he settled himself at the table on the veranda, a rider came in at a gallop, dismounted quickly, and approached Adam who rose to meet him.<\/p>\n

\u201cHi, Nate, what brings you here?\u201d Adam said, putting out his hand to greet the man, who did odd jobs around the town.<\/p>\n

Instead of taking Adam\u2019s hand, Nate put a piece of paper in it. Adam looked down curiously, then back to the messenger.<\/p>\n

Nate explained. \u201cFrank, at the telegraph office, asked me to bring you this, said it might be urgent.\u201d<\/p>\n

Adam passed Nate a couple of coins for his trouble, waved him farewell as he rode off, and went to sit again at the table. He unfolded the paper, and his face paled as he read the words.<\/p>\n

‘Valerie coming VC stop get away stop coffee trouble question mark Matilda full stop’<\/p>\n

Adam stood and hurried back into the house. Somehow, Matilda had found out about Valerie and guessed the implications. He grabbed his hat and gun belt from behind the door.<\/p>\n

\u201cHey brother, what\u2019s the rush?\u201d asked Joe.<\/p>\n

\u201cI\u2019ll explain when I get back. I need to bring Becky and the children here for a few days, will you tell Pa for me?\u201d<\/p>\n

\u201cOf course,\u201d said Joe, not understanding.<\/p>\n

Adam rode as quickly as he could towards home and ran up the steps into the house, shouting for Becky, who appeared at the top of the stairs.<\/p>\n

\u201cAdam, what is it, why all the shouting?\u201d<\/p>\n

\u201cBecky get the children ready. You\u2019re all going to the Ponderosa for a few days. Don\u2019t argue, I\u2019ll tell you about it on the way.\u201d<\/p>\n

Becky was gone in an instant. She recognised desperation when she saw it. In ten minutes, they had the children loaded in the surrey and were headed towards the Ponderosa.<\/p>\n

Adam told Becky about Matilda\u2019s message, and what it might mean if Valerie turned up at their house.<\/p>\n

Becky was quiet as she digested the implications. \u201cAdam, you should tell the sheriff.\u201d<\/p>\n

\u201cI intend to. But first I want to make sure that you\u2019re all safe.\u201d<\/p>\n

\u201cDo you really think she\u2019s dangerous?\u201d Becky asked anxiously.<\/p>\n

\u201cI don\u2019t know, but I\u2019m not taking any chances. Becky, that woman is not sane. But you\u2019ll be all right, with Pa and Hoss and Joe to look after you.\u201d<\/p>\n

\u201cWhere are you going?\u201d<\/p>\n

\u201cFirst to see the sheriff, and then back home.\u201d<\/p>\n

\u201cBut that\u2019s the first place she\u2019ll look for you.\u201d<\/p>\n

Adam stopped, and Becky pulled the surrey to a standstill beside him. He dismounted and indicated with a jerk of his head that they should talk alone, out of the children\u2019s hearing. Becky told Josh to look after his sisters for a minute, then followed Adam a little way into the forest, where they sat together on the soft ground.<\/p>\n

Adam looked down at the road, where he could see his children playing round the surrey. He turned to Becky. \u201cI have to be there when she comes. If I\u2019m not she\u2019ll only find me somewhere when I\u2019m not expecting her.\u201d<\/p>\n

\u201cBut if she\u2019s dangerous, is it safe for you to be alone with her?\u201d<\/p>\n

\u201cShe doesn\u2019t know that I\u2019m waiting for her, that gives me the advantage.\u201d<\/p>\n

\u201cBut why don\u2019t you come to the Ponderosa with us. Then your father and brothers will be there to back you up. Please say you\u2019ll come,\u201d entreated Becky. She had been parted from her husband once and didn\u2019t want to be without him again so soon.<\/p>\n

Adam shook his head. \u201cNo, I won\u2019t put you in danger. I have to do this alone. I can\u2019t explain.\u201d<\/p>\n

\u201cAdam you don\u2019t have to explain anything to me,\u201d she assured him.<\/p>\n

\u201cI didn\u2019t mean to you. They don\u2019t know.\u201d<\/p>\n

Becky nodded in understanding. If Adam met Valerie at the Ponderosa, he would have to tell his father what had happened. She knew that he still couldn\u2019t speak about it to her without feelings of shame and anger, how much worse would it be to tell his father.<\/p>\n

She nodded sadly. \u201cAll right, if you insist. But promise me that you\u2019ll be careful.\u201d<\/p>\n

Adam rose, pulled Becky to her feet, and put his arms tightly round her slim body. \u201cOf course I\u2019ll be careful. Becky, never doubt that you and the children are the most important things in my life, and I will not do anything that might make me lose you.\u201d He gazed at her face thinking that he had come so close to losing them once because of Valerie, and he wasn\u2019t going to risk that again.<\/p>\n

They walked back to the surrey, and completed their journey. Ben came out to meet them. \u201cAdam, what\u2019s this all about?\u201d<\/p>\n

\u201cPa, I need them to stay here for a few days.\u201d<\/p>\n

\u201cWell, of course they can, but why?\u201d Ben wanted to know.<\/p>\n

\u201cBecause they won\u2019t be safe at home for a while.\u201d<\/p>\n

\u201cAre you staying?\u201d<\/p>\n

\u201cNo.\u201d Adam drew his father to one side, he felt that he had to give him some explanation. \u201cPa, you know that when I was away something happened.\u201d He held up his hand, as Ben was about to speak. \u201cI can\u2019t and won\u2019t tell you what, but the person who did it is coming to find me. I don\u2019t know what she wants, but I don\u2019t think it\u2019s just to pass the time of day.\u201d<\/p>\n

Ben was incredulous. \u201cShe!\u201d<\/p>\n

Adam nodded.<\/p>\n

Ben put his hands on his hips and blew out his cheeks. \u201cWell, Becky can stay here as long as you like, but don\u2019t you think that one of us ought to go with you.\u201d<\/p>\n

\u201cNo, this is my problem. It\u2019s all right, she\u2019s only one woman,\u201d Adam said, wondering if he was understating the threat. He drew Ben to one side. \u201cPa, don\u2019t let them out of your sight, have someone with them all the time. I don\u2019t suppose Valerie will come here, but it\u2019s best to be careful.\u201d<\/p>\n

Ben put a hand on his son\u2019s shoulder. \u201cDon\u2019t worry, we\u2019ll look after them.\u201d<\/p>\n

Adam nodded his thanks, and after hugging each of the children and kissing Becky, he rode out, headed for Virginia City and the sheriff.<\/p>\n

Adam waited for three days, all the time expecting Valerie\u2019s arrival. But when she came, she caught him unprepared.<\/p>\n

He was in the kitchen, making himself some lunch, when he heard the sound of a gun being cocked behind him, and a voice that made his blood run cold.<\/p>\n

\u201cIf I\u2019d known you could cook I\u2019d have hog tied you to keep you from wandering.\u201d<\/p>\n

Adam turned towards her. \u201cHello, Valerie,\u201d he said calmly, then he noticed that it was his gun she was holding, the one he had left behind.<\/p>\n

Valerie saw his look and smiled. \u201cYes, I thought that would be a nice touch. Killed with your own gun.\u201d The smile faded. \u201cPut your hands in your pockets,\u201d she ordered, knowing that would slow him down if he thought about trying anything.<\/p>\n

Adam did as he was told. \u201cWhat now?\u201d<\/p>\n

\u201cNow I\u2019m going to make you regret leaving. I loved you, and you ran out on me for another woman, I can\u2019t forgive that, you know.\u201d Valerie\u2019s eyes were wide, and Adam could see the whites surrounding her pupils. He knew then that she was undeniably insane.<\/p>\n

\u201cValerie, that \u2018other woman\u2019 happens to be my wife,\u201d Adam said reasonably, trying to keep his voice calm.<\/p>\n

\u201cYou\u2019re only saying that as an excuse for deserting me.\u201d Valerie\u2019s voice was becoming angry, and Adam could see her finger tighten on the trigger. He was slowly edging sideways towards a knife that was sitting at the edge of the range.<\/p>\n

\u201cI didn\u2019t desert you, we were never together.\u201d Another few inches and he could reach the knife.<\/p>\n

\u201cNo? We had one night of bliss and then you decided that I wasn\u2019t good enough for you.\u201d<\/p>\n

\u201cIt might have been bliss for you, but not for me.\u201d Adam could feel his anger rising, and took a deep breath to keep it under control.<\/p>\n

\u201cWell, if I can\u2019t have you, then neither can she. First, I\u2019m going to kill you and then I\u2019ll find her. I suppose that you\u2019ve hidden her at the Ponderosa.\u201d The look of horror in Adam\u2019s eyes told Valerie that she had guessed right. \u201cThere\u2019ll be no \u2018happy ever after\u2019 for you,\u201d she informed him.<\/p>\n

Adam froze as he thought of Becky, caught unawares because he had not appreciated the depth of Valerie\u2019s madness. He had reached the knife, but before he could grasp it, he saw Valerie\u2019s finger tighten on the trigger. He threw himself sideways as he heard the thunder of a shot. Then he felt the pain in his right leg where the bullet had caught him. He fell to the floor, watching as Valerie advanced towards him, the gun pointed squarely at his heart.<\/p>\n

\u201cSay \u2018goodbye\u2019 to the world Mr. Adam Cartwright.\u201d As she was about to pull the trigger, thoughts of Becky gave Adam strength. He rose from the floor and lunged at her, pushing her off balance as the gun fired, and the bullet went over his shoulder to bury itself in the wall. Adam grabbed her wrists to prevent her aiming at him again. She fought against him, pushing him sideways into the doorpost. Adam cried out as his injured leg crashed into the wood. She managed to push him away, and he fell through the kitchen door, into the parlour. She followed him and raised the gun, aiming at his head as he struggled back to his feet, leaning on the back of the sofa for support. Adam looked around for some means of defence, but Valerie stayed well out of his reach, and fired again.<\/p>\n

Adam felt an explosion in his head and was thrown over the back of the sofa, rolling off the seat and onto the floor. Valerie knelt down to check that she had completed the first step of her revenge, then she heard a horse approaching. She looked at Adam, lying face down on the floor, blood streaming from his head, but he was still alive. She decided she wouldn\u2019t waste time now; when he died, she wanted to be able to savour the moment. She would have to come back to finish him. She ran from the house, mounted her horse, and made off towards the Ponderosa, and Becky.<\/p>\n

Sheriff Roy Coffee had heard the gunshots as he approached. He ran into the house, and found Adam on the floor. As he quickly knelt down to assess the damage, Adam moaned and opened his eyes.<\/p>\n

\u201cRoy?\u201d Adam murmured, rolling onto his back as memory came flooding back.<\/p>\n

\u201cYes, it\u2019s me. What the devil happened?\u201d<\/p>\n

\u201cShe was here.\u201d Adam tried to rise, wiping his hand across his face to get rid of the blood that had run into his eyes from the furrow that marked the bullet\u2019s passage across one side of his forehead.<\/p>\n

\u201cNow, you just stay there. She\u2019s gone, must have heard me coming.\u201d Roy tried to make Adam lie still, but was pushed aside as Adam got to his knees and then sat heavily on the sofa. He lowered his head into his hands, and he felt every heartbeat pound through his brain as he tried to bring his eyes into focus. \u201cWe have to go after her, she\u2019s going to the Ponderosa to kill Becky,\u201d said Adam desperately.<\/p>\n

\u201cI\u2019ll go. You\u2019d better stay here, you\u2019re in no shape to go anywhere.\u201d<\/p>\n

Adam was insistent, ignoring the sense of what he was being told. \u201cNo. Go and saddle my horse, I\u2019m coming.\u201d<\/p>\n

Roy didn\u2019t argue, it was just wasting time. He disappeared out of the door while Adam dragged himself into the kitchen, where he found a cloth to bind round his leg. Roy came back and helped him out to his horse, and once mounted, they set off towards the Ponderosa. They travelled fast, Roy staying slightly behind Adam to make sure that he didn\u2019t fall from his horse. Adam rode blindly, the pains from his leg and head blocking out his surroundings. His only thought was to get to Becky, before it was too late.<\/p>\n

Valerie had dismounted a little way away from the ranch house and completed her journey on foot. She hid among the trees, waiting to see if there was anybody about, and watched as a figure emerged from the house.<\/p>\n

\u201cI\u2019m just going to the barn. Alice will be back soon with the children, stay inside,\u201d Joe called over his shoulder. He strode towards the building opposite and entered its dark interior. Valerie crept silently round the door and raised her gun. Joe collapsed at her feet, out cold. She heard the front door open and saw a woman standing there. Valerie advanced across the yard, and the woman came to meet her.<\/p>\n

The two women stood facing each other, Becky\u2019s dress of rich blue contrasting strongly with Valerie\u2019s plain clothing<\/p>\n

\u201cYou must be Valerie,\u201d said Becky, looking past the unwelcome visitor, hoping to see Joe come out of the barn.<\/p>\n

\u201cMust I?\u201d<\/p>\n

\u201cOh I think so, you\u2019re just as Adam described you.\u201d Becky spoke calmly.<\/p>\n

\u201cSo he told you about me? Well he won\u2019t be saying anything else to you.\u201d Valerie boasted.<\/p>\n

\u201cWhy not?\u201d Becky held her breath as she waited for the answer<\/p>\n

Valerie smiled, knowing how upset Becky would be by the lie she was determined to turn into the truth. \u201cBecause he\u2019s dead, that\u2019s why.\u201d She was pleased when she heard the sharp intake of breath from her rival.<\/p>\n

Becky stood transfixed as her world collapsed around her. Adam was dead! Becky\u2019s heart went cold, knowing that the light in her life had been extinguished.<\/p>\n

\u201cNoooo!\u201d she screamed as she leaped at Valerie. They struggled together neither getting the upper hand, until Valerie managed to point the gun at Becky, who tried to turn it away from her. Suddenly it went off and Valerie stiffened, then slid slowly out of Becky\u2019s hold, onto the ground. Becky stood staring down at her in disbelief.<\/p>\n

When she heard Adam call her name, she turned towards him and saw him standing beside his horse, very much alive, but swaying as he stood on one leg and with blood on his face. Becky hadn\u2019t heard them arrive, and she almost fainted with relief, knowing Valerie had lied to her. She rushed towards him, nearly knocking him over as she flung her arms round him.<\/p>\n

She looked up at Adam, then at Roy standing beside him, and her voice shook as she spoke. \u201cI think I\u2019ve killed her.\u201d<\/p>\n

Roy came to stand beside her, making sure that she was all right. None of them noticed as the supposed dead woman stirred, raised the gun, and fired.<\/p>\n

Roy ran to Valerie as she fell back on the ground, laughing. He took the gun from her limp hand as she lapsed into unconsciousness.<\/p>\n

Becky looked up into Adam\u2019s eyes. She could drown in those dark pools, she thought, as she felt her legs go weak, and slowly collapsed to the ground, taking Adam with her. He laid her down with infinite gentleness.<\/p>\n

\u201cBecky, no!\u201d he whispered.<\/p>\n

\u201cIt\u2019s all right, my darling, it doesn\u2019t hurt.\u201d<\/p>\n

Adam withdrew the hand that had been at Becky\u2019s back and saw that it was covered in blood. \u201cHold on, we\u2019ll get help. Don\u2019t leave me!\u201d he pleaded. He turned to look up as Roy knelt beside him.<\/p>\n

\u201cWe should get both of them inside.\u201d Roy suggested.<\/p>\n

Adam looked round, but saw no one else near the house who could help. \u201cYou take Valerie inside, then give me a hand with Becky,\u201d he ordered the sheriff. Roy carried Valerie into the house and laid her on the sofa, then returned to kneel beside Becky. He watched as Adam put his hands under her shoulders and knees, but then found that he didn\u2019t have the strength to stand. Roy moved him gently aside, lifted Becky easily, and then he took her inside, with Adam limping slowly behind him. As he entered, Adam stood by the sofa, looking down at Valerie. All his emotions told him that he wanted to end her life, but a small voice of sanity told him that he couldn\u2019t. His fists balled as he fought the urge, then he turned to follow Roy up the stairs and into one of the bedrooms.<\/p>\n

Roy then went to help Valerie. After a few minutes, he returned to find Adam standing beside the bed, his intense gaze focused on his wife as she lay, hardly breathing.<\/p>\n

Roy put his hand on Adam\u2019s arm to get his attention. \u201cI\u2019m going for the doc, I\u2019ll be as quick as I can.\u201d He saw Adam\u2019s hand gripping the butt of his gun as it rested in its holster. \u201cAdam\u2026don\u2019t. It\u2019ll be murder, and you know that I will have to act on that.\u201d<\/p>\n

Adam saw where the sheriff\u2019s eyes had rested. \u201cDon\u2019t worry, I\u2019m not going to leave Becky, but I\u2019ll defend her if necessary.\u201d He looked at Roy. \u201cJust get the doc as quick as you can. Please,\u201d he begged as he pulled the covers over Becky, not attempting to undress her. He wasn\u2019t going to move her more until Paul Martin arrived to take care of her. He sat beside the bed, One hand beneath Becky, pressing a towel against the wound to stop the bleeding, the other hand holding Becky\u2019s as he willed her to live.<\/p>\n

Becky opened her eyes, blinked several times to try to focus her eyes, and looked at the face of her beloved husband. She tried to take a deep breath, but her face contorted in pain. She took a smaller breath, she had to speak. \u201cTell the children I love them,\u201d she said softly.<\/p>\n

Adam swallowed against the tears that threatened to fall. \u201cYou\u2019ll be able to tell them yourself, just hold on.\u201d He tried to keep his voice level, to reassure her, but he was terrified of the outcome of Valerie\u2019s single shot. \u201cI\u2019m here and I\u2019m not going to leave you, and you can\u2019t leave me.\u201d After the frantic ride, he could feel the blood seeping through his pants, and he was in danger of passing out himself, but he was determined that he would stay with Becky as long as she needed him.<\/p>\n

Becky looked at the face of the man she worshipped. \u201cI love you. I will always love you, take care of yours\u2026\u201d Becky never finished the sentence as she breathed out. Adam waited for her to take another breath, which after an age, she did. Adam closed his eyes in relief, and a tear escaped down his cheek.<\/p>\n

He sat with her, stroking her hair and talking quietly to her, watching the heartbeat at the base of her throat, praying each time she took a breath, that it would not be her last. He was not aware of anything around him, believing that if he stopped concentrating on her, Becky might slip away from him. He did not hear his father and brother ride into the yard below, so he was startled as he felt a hand on his shoulder, and heard his father\u2019s voice beside him.<\/p>\n

\u201cAdam, what happened?\u201d Ben saw the blood on Adam\u2019s face, mingled with his tears, and on his leg the rough bandage that was more red than white. He had passed Valerie lying on the sofa and told Hoss to stay with her while he went in search of Becky.<\/p>\n

\u201cValerie,\u201d was all Adam could say, his throat tight with tears. He didn\u2019t take his eyes from Becky, his vigil had to continue, to keep her alive. He could only see his wife lying close to death. What would happen to him if she left him now? Adam shied away from the thought, knowing that it would bring his world to an end.<\/p>\n

\u201cHey, Pa, I found Joe,\u201d Hoss announced as he came into the room supporting his younger brother, who was holding his hand to the back of his head, where Valerie had struck him.<\/p>\n

Ben stood and went anxiously to his youngest son. \u201cAre you all right?\u201d<\/p>\n

Joe didn\u2019t answer as he took in the sight before him. He looked at his father, but Ben just shook his head, there would be time for explanations later.<\/p>\n

Ben turned back to Adam. \u201cSon, you\u2019re hurt, let me take care of you.\u201d Ben tried to lift him from the side of the bed, but Adam shook off the hands.<\/p>\n

\u201cNo, I won\u2019t leave her,\u201d insisted Adam. Nothing existed in his world but his beloved wife. If he sat there long enough, watching her, he knew that she would be all right, he couldn\u2019t allow himself to believe that she would never again welcome him home or lay beside him, holding him, loving him. Overwhelming emotions made him look at his father. \u201cPaaa!\u201d he cried, as he took a great, shuddering breath. \u201cOh Pa, what have I done?\u201d<\/p>\n

The question broke his father\u2019s heart, his son held himself responsible for the attack. Ben tried to find comforting words. \u201cYou did what you have always done, your best. This was not of your making.\u201d Adam shook his head, he knew that was not true. It was all of his making, the terrible result of his eagerness to get home.<\/p>\n

As he replied, Adam was almost incoherent through his tears. \u201cBut I should have known, I should have been here to protect her.\u201d Suddenly his sobbing stopped, his breath catching in his throat, and his face became very still. Where tears had softened his eyes, now they became hard points of anger. \u201cWho was supposed to be here?\u201d he whispered.<\/p>\n

\u201dI was,\u201d admitted Joe.<\/p>\n

Adam took two deep breaths, and then threw himself on his brother, striking out blindly, catching Joe on the side of the head, sending him to his knees. Hoss came up behind Adam and wrapped his strong arms round his brother, who struggled desperately to get free. \u201cI\u2019m gonna kill you,\u201d Adam said, his voice low and threatening. \u201cYou were supposed to protect her, I tell you I\u2019m gonna kill you.\u201d<\/p>\n

\u201cAdam, calm down,\u201d Hoss shouted in his ear, but Adam only had eyes for the man who had failed his wife. He struggled uselessly, shouting threats at Joe, until Hoss felt him go limp, and picked him up and carried him to bed.
\nChapter Six<\/p>\n

Where before, nightmares had haunted Adam\u2019s dreams, now he woke to the nightmare, and it was reality. He lay with his eyes closed, remembering the last time he had seen Becky, barely alive. What had happened while he had been unconscious? He opened his eyes, but his brain could make no sense of what he saw. The people in the room, and even the room itself didn\u2019t exist. He only knew that he had to find Becky, to see if she still lived. He pushed himself up, intending to go in search of her. He felt hands on him and fought against them, but they were too strong and finally he gave up and sank back onto the bed with a groan.<\/p>\n

\u201cAdam, you must lie down.\u201d Ben said.<\/p>\n

Adam couldn\u2019t fight any more, he lay back and closed his eyes. \u201cBecky,\u201d he whispered. \u201cI must find Becky. I have to know.\u201d<\/p>\n

\u201cSon, don\u2019t worry. Becky\u2019s in the next room.\u201d<\/p>\n

\u201cIs she\u2026?\u201d<\/p>\n

\u201cYes, she\u2019s still with us. She\u2019s badly hurt, but she\u2019s fighting. Paul is with her now. With God\u2019s help and his, she\u2019ll be well again.\u201d<\/p>\n

Adam cracked his eyes open and recognised his father leaning over him. \u201cI want to see her.\u201d<\/p>\n

\u201cNot yet, but soon. When Paul has finished with Becky, he will take the bullet out of your leg. Until then you must lie still and rest.\u201d Ben stroked Adam\u2019s hair, soothing him into sleep.<\/p>\n

After he had taken care of Becky, Paul attended to Valerie, and then Hoss drove the buckboard, with Valerie laid in the back, into Virginia City, where Roy would take care of her.<\/p>\n

Finally, he got the bullet out of Adam\u2019s leg. It had been a long day, and Paul straightened as he finished, holding his back and stretching. The grandfather clock beside the front door was striking midnight when the doctor walked slowly downstairs. He was tired and worried, Becky\u2019s wound was serious, and her life was still in danger. He slumped down on the sofa, accepting the coffee that Alice handed him.<\/p>\n

\u201cHow are they?\u201d Ben asked.<\/p>\n

\u201cAdam will be fine. He lost a lot of blood, and the ride over here caused more damage to the muscle, but time and care will see him well, provided there are no complications.\u201d He saw a look of relief pass over Ben\u2019s face, which vanished as quickly as it came.<\/p>\n

\u201cAnd Becky?\u201d Ben asked.<\/p>\n

\u201cShe is much more serious. At this moment, I would say that I hope she will recover, but it will be touch and go. If she makes it through the next twenty-four hours, then the outlook for her survival is good. The bullet missed all the vital organs, but I will not know about the long-term damage until she starts to get better.\u201d<\/p>\n

\u201cWhat d\u2019you mean?\u201d asked Hoss.<\/p>\n

Paul looked at the three men and Alice, who were listening to him intently. \u201cI mean that it could affect her ability to walk. The bullet hit her spine and damaged the bone. How bad that might prove to be is impossible to say at the moment. We\u2019ll just have to wait. The most important thing now is to get her well, then we\u2019ll see.\u201d<\/p>\n

Alice slipped her arm round Ben\u2019s waist, and looked up at him. \u201cDon\u2019t worry, my darling, we can take care of her here, for as long as is needed.\u201d<\/p>\n

Ben looked down at his wife, grateful for her presence. He knew that Adam, and through him, Becky, had a special place in her heart. \u201cI know. We\u2019ll do all we can.\u201d He turned to the doctor and was about to invite him to stay the night, but Paul was asleep. Joe and Hoss settled him down more comfortably on the sofa, while Alice covered him with a blanket.<\/p>\n

\u201cHe\u2019s given everything to help them, hasn\u2019t he.\u201d Joe said, grateful for the skill of their friend.<\/p>\n

Ben nodded. \u201cHe always does.\u201d<\/p>\n

**********<\/p>\n

They took it in turns to watch over the injured pair, until Hop Sing insisted that it was time for breakfast, and would not be resisted. He knew that they had hard days ahead of them and needed to keep up their strength.<\/p>\n

When Ben went back upstairs, he found Adam\u2019s bed empty. For a moment he panicked, where could he be? Then he went to the next room and found Adam sitting on the floor asleep, his head resting on the side of the bed and his hand gripping Becky\u2019s.<\/p>\n

Ben put his hands under Adam\u2019s shoulders and lifted him gently as he woke. \u201cCome on son, back to bed.\u201d<\/p>\n

Adam fought to get free, wanting to stay with his wife. \u201cNo, I\u2019m not going to leave her,\u201d he insisted.<\/p>\n

\u201cAdam, she\u2019s sleeping, you must let her rest.\u201d<\/p>\n

Becky opened her eyes at the sounds going on around her. Adam freed himself from his father\u2019s grip and fell to his knees on the floor beside Becky.<\/p>\n

\u201cBecky, oh Becky.\u201d His heart filled with relief, seeing her look at him.<\/p>\n

\u201cYes, my darling,\u201d she whispered holding out her hand to him.<\/p>\n

He took it and turned it over to kiss the palm, then held it against his cheek. \u201cPlease, get well for me, I need you,\u201d he pleaded.<\/p>\n

She put up her other hand to caress his face. \u201cDon\u2019t worry, I\u2019m fine. Just need to rest.\u201d She said softly as she closed her eyes.<\/p>\n

Ben put his hand on Adam\u2019s shoulder. \u201cCome on now, back to bed.\u201d<\/p>\n

This time Adam didn\u2019t resist, but let his father help him back to his room.<\/p>\n

\u201cIs she going to be all right?\u201d Adam asked anxiously, as Ben got him settled under the covers.<\/p>\n

\u201cPaul thinks so. He has her sedated at the moment, she\u2019s not in any pain.\u201d<\/p>\n

\u201cBut she will get better?\u201d Adam thought that his father was not telling him the whole truth.<\/p>\n

\u201cPaul said that there may be some permanent damage, but he can\u2019t tell how serious it might be until Becky is more recovered. Now the best thing you can do for her is to get yourself better, and you will only do that by resting, and not wandering about the house.\u201d<\/p>\n

Adam was happy to rest, his head ached, and his leg was throbbing painfully. Then he remembered his reaction to Becky being shot. \u201cPa, I need to speak to Joe.\u201d<\/p>\n

Ben knew his son would not settle until he got his way. \u201cVery well, I\u2019ll send him up, but then you must promise me that you\u2019ll take it easy.\u201d<\/p>\n

Adam agreed, and a few minutes later Joe was standing uncertainly by the bedside. He blamed himself for what had happened, and he knew that Adam held him responsible. He was prepared for his brother\u2019s anger to hit him with its full force.<\/p>\n

\u201cJoe sit down, I\u2019m not going to bite you.\u201d Adam smiled, and Joe relaxed a little.<\/p>\n

He sat on the bed, but couldn\u2019t look at his brother, knowing that he had let him down. \u201cAdam, I\u2019m sorry. I should have been more careful.\u201d<\/p>\n

\u201cNo, it wasn\u2019t your fault,\u201d Adam said slowly. He felt himself slipping into sleep, but he couldn\u2019t rest until he had sorted this out with his brother. \u201cI\u2019m sorry that I reacted so badly, but I was frightened when Becky was shot. And that fear came out as anger and I directed it all at you. You couldn\u2019t know what sort of woman Valerie was. I didn\u2019t know myself, until it was too late,\u201d he said quietly.<\/p>\n

\u201cBut I should have\u2026\u201d<\/p>\n

\u201cNo you shouldn\u2019t. You did everything you could, I know that. If it was anyone\u2019s fault, it was mine.\u201d He looked sternly at Joe. \u201cPromise me that you won\u2019t blame yourself.\u201d Adam commanded, with as much big brother authority as he could muster.<\/p>\n

\u201cAdam\u2026\u201d Joe still felt responsible.<\/p>\n

\u201cPromise!\u201d Adam ordered weakly, he didn\u2019t have the strength to argue.<\/p>\n

\u201cOK, I promise. Thank you.\u201d Joe paused looking down, wondering whether he should bother Adam with details. He decided that it wouldn\u2019t hurt for his brother to know that they were concerned for him, and for Becky, so he continued. \u201cAdam, we\u2019re going to cancel the wedding, just until you and Becky can be there.\u201d<\/p>\n

Adam slowly shook his head. \u201cOh no you\u2019re not. It\u2019s taken you long enough to get to the altar, you\u2019re not going to put it off a moment longer,\u201d he said, ignoring the fact that Joe, twelve years his junior, was actually getting married much younger than he had been.<\/p>\n

\u201cBut I want you there.\u201d<\/p>\n

\u201cEven if Becky and I can\u2019t make it to the ceremony, remember that we\u2019ll always be here for you both, missing one day won\u2019t hurt us, or you. No, you carry on, with my blessing.\u201d Adam was ready to close his eyes, but he wanted his brother\u2019s agreement first. \u201cPlease Joe, say you\u2019ll do it.\u201d<\/p>\n

\u201cAll right, if you\u2019re sure.\u201d Joe was relieved. He couldn\u2019t face again the torment of waiting for his wedding day.<\/p>\n

\u201cI am.\u201d<\/p>\n

\u201cNow you must rest, or it\u2019ll be Pa that kills me, save you the bother.\u201d Joe smiled, and watched as his brother closed his eyes and slept.<\/p>\n

In the morning, after Paul had examined his patients and found himself satisfied, Adam demanded that he wanted to see Becky. Paul could see that he would fret if he weren\u2019t allowed to visit her, so he reluctantly agreed. Adam found that his leg wouldn\u2019t bear his weight, but he was determined to complete the short journey. Paul helped him to make his way slowly into Becky\u2019s room. When she saw her husband, Becky slowly held out her hand and Adam took it, as Paul helped him to sit on the chair that had been placed beside the bed.<\/p>\n

\u201cFive minutes,\u201d Paul warned them as he left the room.<\/p>\n

\u201cHow are you?\u201d Adam asked, seeing the sheen of perspiration on Becky\u2019s face.<\/p>\n

\u201cBetter for seeing you.\u201d She didn\u2019t tell him about the fierce pain in her back.<\/p>\n

Adam simply stared at her, she looked beautiful to him even with her hair lying limp on the pillows. She was his again, and Valerie was a memory that they would eventually be able to put behind them. For now, he just wanted Becky well, and he would do all that he could to make that happen. He bent and kissed her, trying to give her the strength to fight her way back to health.<\/p>\n

The next day, Joe and Hoss, dressed in their Sunday best, were standing in front of the minister. Ben stood behind with Josh, waiting for Lucy to make her appearance. The soft murmur of voices behind them ceased, and they looked round. Joe left his place and went to the foot of the stairs, to watch Adam, wearing his best black broadcloth, make his way down one step at a time, supported by Paul at his side.<\/p>\n

\u201cAdam! You shouldn\u2019t be walking around.\u201d<\/p>\n

Adam laughed through teeth gritted against the pain in his leg. \u201cJust wanted to make sure you went through with it.\u201d As Adam stood at the bottom of the stairs, Joe reached out and hugged him and his brother reciprocated. Then Paul insisted that he sit down, but Adam refused saying that he was going to stand with Joe. They made their way back to the minister, Adam taking up his position beside Hoss.<\/p>\n

A minute later Lucy appeared at the top of the stairs, her attendants Elizabeth and Little Alice in front of her. She was wearing a dress of the finest pearl studded ivory silk, her dark hair falling down her back. Rich brown eyes took in the people staring up, and she smiled nervously. Standing beside his daughter, Mr. Sullivan folded her arm over his and they started down the stairs. Joe couldn\u2019t take his eyes off Lucy, she was the most perfect creature that he had ever seen, beautiful in body and spirit, and soon to be his.<\/p>\n

The minister began to recite the marriage service and Joe had to be reminded to say the words, his thoughts only on the woman beside him.<\/p>\n

Then it was over and he had her in his arms, kissing her, never wanting to let her go.<\/p>\n

\u201cExcuse me, brother.\u201d Adam\u2019s deep voice nudged Joe out of the way. \u201cI don\u2019t think I can stand here much longer, so if you don\u2019t mind\u2026\u201d Adam took Lucy gently by the shoulders and kissed her cheek. He hopped back a pace and shook Joe\u2019s hand. \u201cCongratulations buddy. Now, if you don\u2019t object, I will go to my wife.\u201d<\/p>\n

\u201cThank you, Adam,\u201d said Joe. It had meant so much to him to have both his brothers beside him.<\/p>\n

Becky could hear the sounds of music and laughter from the living room and knew that Joe and Lucy were married. Her thoughts went to that day, six years ago, when it had been her and Adam standing there. Her smile faded as she thought that she had nearly lost him, by sending him out of her life. How could she have done that? How could she have thought that he would ever betray her? She heard a noise in the doorway, and looked up to see Adam standing there. Paul helped him to sit in the chair at the side of the bed.<\/p>\n

\u201cI\u2019ll be back later to get you to your room,\u201d the doctor promised. Adam merely nodded, he had eyes only for his wife. He too had remembered their wedding, and he bent and kissed Becky, who responded by putting her arms round him and pulling him towards her.<\/p>\n

\u201cOh, Adam, I love you. I think I love you more now than I did then, if that\u2019s possible.\u201d<\/p>\n

\u201cI know, I feel the same. Becky, I could never hurt you, you know that don\u2019t you.\u201d<\/p>\n

\u201cOf course, and I\u2019m sorry.\u201d She closed her eyes for a moment, tired beyond measure. But she welcomed the pain she felt, it told her she was alive.<\/p>\n

Adam stroked her hair. \u201cShhh, you have nothing to be sorry for, it was my doing, but I\u2019ll never give you cause again, I promise.\u201d He was surprised to hear Becky\u2019s laugh intrude on this tender moment, and raised his eyebrows at her.<\/p>\n

\u201cAdam, how can you promise that when there seem to be so many women who want my husband?\u201d<\/p>\n

He laughed with her, and gently hugged her, careful not to put any pressure on her back.<\/p>\n

\u201cWell, I can see that the feeling doesn\u2019t wear off.\u201d Joe said from the doorway. He and Lucy came into the room as Adam and Becky parted.<\/p>\n

Lucy smiled down at them. \u201cBecky, I hope we\u2019re not disturbing you, but I had to come and see you. \u201d<\/p>\n

Becky held out her hand. \u201cLucy, you look beautiful.\u201d Lucy bent down and kissed Becky\u2019s cheek, and she could see a suspicion of a tear in the injured woman\u2019s eyes. For a moment, Lucy was concerned that she had made a mistake in coming to see Becky, that it might tire her too much, but then Becky smiled broadly.<\/p>\n

\u201cI hope that you will both be as happy as I have been. But let me warn you, Lucy, these Cartwright men need firm handling. Don\u2019t take any nonsense from him, but treat him kindly and he will serve you very well.\u201d She looked into Adam\u2019s eyes, holding his gaze. \u201cThey are unfailingly honest, sometimes to their detriment, but they will never betray you. Sometimes you will find that honesty difficult to live with, but you will never regret it.\u201d<\/p>\n

Joe and Lucy had the impression that something was happening of which they should not be part, so they retreated quietly out of the room. Adam and Becky stared at each other for a long minute, neither speaking. Adam knew then that he had been forgiven, and tears formed in the corners of his eyes as he bent down and kissed Becky\u2019s forehead.<\/p>\n

\u201cThank you, my darling,\u201d Adam said softly. His lips found Becky\u2019s, then he pulled away and they gazed at each other, happier at that moment than they had ever been.
\nChapter Seven<\/p>\n

It very quickly became obvious that Becky\u2019s recuperation was going to be a long one. The bullet, as predicted, had damaged her back and she was having difficulty walking and bending. She could not lift Little Alice, nor stay on her feet for very long.<\/p>\n

Adam had insisted that they stay at the Ponderosa, so that she could get her strength back, but eventually she had obstinately demanded that she be allowed to return to her own home. Adam could see that it would do more harm to refuse her request, but was delaying the move as long as possible. Paul came, and after he had examined Becky, and she had retired to the bedroom for her morning rest, he took Adam outside to speak to him.<\/p>\n

First, Paul told him about Valerie. \u201cShe\u2019s insane, you know, and will never stand trial.\u201d<\/p>\n

Adam was relieved. It meant that he would not have to face reliving, in public, those days with her. \u201cSo what will happen to her?\u201d<\/p>\n

\u201cRoy has her locked up at the moment, but as soon as she\u2019s well enough I will get her transferred to the asylum in Sacramento.\u201d Paul allowed Adam to digest this bit of information, then continued. \u201cAdam, I\u2019m concerned about Becky.\u201d<\/p>\n

Adam was instantly worried, a frown creasing his forehead. \u201cWhat is it, she\u2019s getting better all the time, isn\u2019t she?\u201d<\/p>\n

\u201cYes, Becky\u2019s regaining her strength, but she has limited movement in her legs. She may never get back the full use of them, but she needs time and rest. May I make a suggestion?\u201d<\/p>\n

\u201cIf there\u2019s anything I can do to help her, you know I will,\u201d said Adam, nodding.<\/p>\n

\u201cI think you should try to get her some help around the house when she goes home. Becky wants to take up her duties as a wife and mother, and I know that she runs the ranch. But doing that will not allow her the rest she needs. I suspect that Becky will not give up any of it, she would see it as failure.\u201d<\/p>\n

\u201cBut I\u2019ll help her, she knows that.\u201d<\/p>\n

\u201cYes, and she also knows that if she can\u2019t do it, she will be letting you down.\u201d<\/p>\n

\u201cBut that\u2019s ridiculous, what makes you think that?\u201d<\/p>\n

\u201cBecause she told me.\u201d The bald statement shook Adam. How could Becky ever think that he would be disappointed in her, or feel let down by her?<\/p>\n

\u201cWell, think about it. But not for too long.\u201d<\/p>\n

Adam\u2019s thoughts were racing, he didn\u2019t want Becky doing herself any harm because of what she saw as her failure. \u201cI will,\u201d he promised. He waved absently as the doctor left, and sat thinking for a long time.<\/p>\n

Becky was put out by the suggestion that she needed any help.<\/p>\n

\u201cJust a minute, Becky. Sit down,\u201d Adam commanded softly. She reluctantly sat on the bed, as Adam tried to find words that would not upset his wife. He sat down beside her and took her hand. \u201cBecky, Paul told me that you are going to have trouble with your back for some time. You need to be able to rest when you get home, to get you completely better, and I will do anything necessary to achieve that.\u201d<\/p>\n

\u201cBut Adam, I don\u2019t\u2026\u201d Becky started, but Adam cut her off.<\/p>\n

\u201cSo I thought that, perhaps, I could help you. If you\u2019ll let me.\u201d<\/p>\n

\u201cYou!\u201d Becky was taken aback by the suggestion. She had thought that Adam meant getting outside help, and she did not want strangers in her house, looking after her children.<\/p>\n

\u201cWell, don\u2019t be so surprised,\u201d said Adam, \u201cI helped you when the twins were small, and when Alice arrived, so I\u2019m not completely ignorant of what needs doing. If I get the children up, dressed and fed first thing in the morning and then come here to work, do you think that you could manage them until, say, early afternoon? I could come back then and you could rest until later, when I will make supper for us all. How would that suit you?\u201d<\/p>\n

Becky stared at her husband. How had she found such a wonderful, understanding man? She put her arms round him and hugged him close. \u201cOh, Adam,\u201d she said. \u201cYou have obviously thought this through very carefully. But are you sure that you want to take on looking after your family as well as your work here?\u201d<\/p>\n

Adam held her at arms length. \u201cBecky, I will do whatever it takes to get you well. So, do you agree?\u201d<\/p>\n

\u201cOf course, and thank you.\u201d She kissed him, gently at first, in gratitude for his not imposing strangers on her. But then she needed to show him that she was more than grateful for his thoughtfulness. She pulled him down onto the bed and held him as he tried to sit up again.<\/p>\n

\u201cBecky, are you sure?\u201d he asked. \u201cYou\u2019re back\u2026\u201d<\/p>\n

\u201cIs just fine,\u201d she assured him, and then proved it.<\/p>\n

**********<\/p>\n

Adam took Becky home. He could see that she was more relaxed being back in her own house, surrounded by familiar things. The arrangements that Adam had suggested worked well, except for him having to sometimes bring books home and work on them in the evenings. On those days when he was delayed, Lucy would drop by for a visit, surreptiously helping Becky. Becky accepted the situation, she felt that it was making her stronger, and she looked forward to the time when she could again look after her family. Adam was happy, despite the extra work, it was making Becky well and that was all that mattered.<\/p>\n

One morning, before the children were awake, Adam had brought Becky her breakfast in bed, and was sitting with her while she ate, she looked at him, a smile on her face.<\/p>\n

\u201cAdam, I have something to tell you.\u201d<\/p>\n

\u201cOh?\u201d he said, lifting a piece of toast to his mouth.<\/p>\n

\u201cYes. I\u2019m pregnant.\u201d<\/p>\n

Adam stopped as he bit into the toast. \u201cWha\u2026?\u201d he exclaimed between teeth otherwise occupied.<\/p>\n

\u201cYes.\u201d<\/p>\n

Adam choked as he swallowed. \u201cYou could have told me that when I wasn\u2019t eating,\u201d he said, when he was finally able to speak. The breakfast was forgotten as he hugged Becky, and they shared the joyous moment together.<\/p>\n

Paul Martin was not so happy when Adam told him. He came out to the house to examine Becky, and then called Adam into the bedroom, where Becky lay on the bed. She sat up as he entered, and he went to sit beside her and held her hand, knowing that something was wrong.<\/p>\n

\u201cPaul, what is it, is there a problem?\u201d Adam asked quietly.<\/p>\n

\u201cThere\u2019s something I have to tell you both.\u201d Paul paused. \u201cBecky is slowly recovering from the shooting, but still has a long way to go, you know that.\u201d Adam nodded, holding his breath for Paul to continue. He felt Becky hold his hand tighter. \u201cHaving a baby puts a tremendous strain on the back. The pressure of carrying the baby can be relieved by rest, but giving birth is a different matter entirely.\u201d Paul stopped. This should be a happy time for prospective parents, but he had to tell them of the risk involved.<\/p>\n

\u201cGo on, tell us the rest,\u201d Adam prompted.<\/p>\n

\u201cHaving this baby could cripple Becky permanently,\u201d Paul said bluntly.<\/p>\n

Adam stared at the doctor. \u201cYou\u2019re telling us that Becky could lose the use of her legs?\u201d<\/p>\n

\u201cYes. I can terminate the pregnancy, if that is what you decide you want, but I cannot give you any guarantees that if I do, Becky will ever be able to conceive again.\u201d<\/p>\n

\u201cCan\u2019t you deliver the baby the same way you did with the twins?\u201d Becky asked.<\/p>\n

\u201cNo, I did a caesarean to save your life and that of the babies. But that is a risky operation. I didn\u2019t tell you at the time, because you all survived. I would only do that where life is in danger, it is a last resort. I couldn\u2019t justify the risk in this case.\u201d<\/p>\n

Paul watched as the couple sat in stunned silence. \u201cI\u2019ll leave you to talk it over, let me know what you decide.\u201d He quietly left them, and neither Adam nor Becky spoke for a long time, then Becky turned to her husband.<\/p>\n

\u201cYou know there\u2019s no choice, don\u2019t you.\u201d Becky said simply.<\/p>\n

Adam nodded, he had known what Becky\u2019s decision would be. \u201cI know.\u201d<\/p>\n

\u201cThere\u2019s always the chance that the baby and I will come through the delivery unharmed, we must be positive about this.\u201d Suddenly Becky reached out for him, and he encircled her in his arms, and could feel her tenseness. \u201cOh, Adam, I\u2019m frightened. What if Paul is right and I can\u2019t walk, how am I going to look after the children?\u201d<\/p>\n

\u201cDon\u2019t worry about that, it just means that I might have to let the Ponderosa look after itself for a while. But remember that a lot of the work I do there can be done here, the paperwork and negotiating contracts and meeting buyers. I can do that anywhere, or not at all if you need me. Once the baby\u2019s here and we know the outcome, then we\u2019ll decide what to do about it. Even if you can\u2019t walk, eventually you will be able to look after the children, as you do now. I know my wife, there is nothing that you can\u2019t do.\u201d<\/p>\n

Becky looked sad, the news had hit her hard. \u201cYou\u2019ll be mother and father to the children for a while, in fact you won\u2019t really need me at all.\u201d<\/p>\n

Adam put his hand under her chin and raised her face so that she was looking at him. \u201cBecky, don\u2019t ever think that. No matter what the future holds, I will always need you, and so will the children, all four of them. When you were shot, I knew that I couldn\u2019t live without you. If you had died, my life would have ended too. I don\u2019t care what happens, you are my wife and I love you and always will, never doubt that.\u201d He leant down and kissed her, softly at first, then it became something deeper and more passionate as he tried to show her the love he had for her. She pulled away, breathless.<\/p>\n

\u201cWell, if that\u2019s the effect this pregnancy is going to have on you, I\u2019m going to make the most of it.\u201d She reached out and this time she initiated the kiss and dictated its course, and was gentle with him, simply treasuring the love they shared.<\/p>\n

**********<\/p>\n

One Sunday, after they had all been to church, the whole family was at the Ponderosa for lunch. Once the meal was finished, Adam asked his father if he could have a quiet word with him. They wandered into the forest at the back of the house, Adam talking about the meat market, the fact that the rivers were low after a dry summer, the new stock that Becky was thinking of buying, and how happy Joe and Lucy seemed. Ben looked at him, knowing that his son was skating round whatever it was that he wanted to say. Eventually he sat down on a fallen tree trunk, looking at Adam.<\/p>\n

\u201cAll right, what\u2019s on your mind? You didn\u2019t bring me all this way just to talk about the price of beef.\u201d<\/p>\n

Adam sat down beside him. \u201cNo, you\u2019re right. There\u2019s a problem with Becky\u2019s pregnancy.\u201d He went on to explain what might be the outcome of that pregnancy.<\/p>\n

Ben was thoughtful. \u201cWell, don\u2019t start worrying about it until it happens. We\u2019ll give Becky all the help she needs.\u201d<\/p>\n

Adam shook his head. \u201cThat\u2019s not what I want to talk to you about. There\u2019s something else.\u201d Adam stood and walked a short distance away. Until recently, this was something that he would have kept to himself, sorting it out in his own mind. Now, knowing what his earlier silence had nearly cost him, he had decided to try to confide in his father, but it didn\u2019t come naturally to admit to any problem.<\/p>\n

He turned, and leant against a tree, crossing his arms over his chest, facing his father. \u201cPa, I\u2019m worried, not just about Becky, but about my reaction to the child should Becky be crippled by the delivery.\u201d Ben raised his eyebrows, and Adam continued, \u201cWill I resent the baby, if its arrival should leave Becky unable to walk? When Becky was expecting the twins, and Little Alice, I couldn\u2019t wait for them to be born, to hold each of the children for the first time. But now, I don\u2019t want that moment to come.\u201d He paused, finding it difficult to express his feelings. Then he took a deep breath and continued. \u201cI\u2019m frightened that I might reject the baby, and I know that\u2019s not fair. It\u2019s not his, or her, fault, but I can\u2019t get away from the feeling that if Becky is crippled, I will blame the child, and that must affect my relationship with it.\u201d Adam looked pleadingly at his father, searching for answers that he couldn\u2019t find for himself. \u201cPa, what am I going to do?\u201d<\/p>\n

Ben was silent for a minute, considering his reply. When he spoke, it was quietly, treasuring this time when his eldest son had decided to share his problem. \u201cAdam, I understand how you feel. But you are too fair-minded to blame the child. You know that an innocent baby cannot help the result of its arrival.\u201d Ben stood and approached his son. When Adam didn\u2019t look up, Ben held his shoulders. \u201cAdam, you know that I love you, don\u2019t you?\u201d<\/p>\n

Adam raised his head, wondering what his father was going to say. Although he returned his father\u2019s love, he always had trouble showing it, and suddenly he regretted saying anything to him about his fears. He nodded in response to the question.<\/p>\n

Ben continued. \u201cI have never hated you, or regretted your arrival. Elizabeth died as a result of it, but I have never blamed you for her death, you know that, don\u2019t you.\u201d<\/p>\n

\u201cBut you didn\u2019t have months to think about it, did you,\u201d Adam said more harshly than he intended. Ben lowered his hands and stood back.<\/p>\n

\u201cNo, but then you are, hopefully, not in danger of losing Becky.\u201d Ben reminded him.<\/p>\n

\u201cI\u2019m sorry, Pa, I didn\u2019t mean\u2026I\u2019m sorry.\u201d Adam walked away a pace, then stopped and turned, as his father continued.<\/p>\n

Ben approached Adam, to make certain he was listening. \u201cI knew that you had no choice in your birth, and I have always been grateful that I did not lose both of you. Elizabeth died, but you lived, whole and healthy, and totally innocent.\u201d<\/p>\n

Adam recognised that he still harboured feelings of guilt about his own birth, and what it had cost, though he had come to terms with it over the years. Would his child feel the same guilt, if Becky was crippled? Adam did not want to add to that burden by his attitude, but the feelings he had were too deep in his heart for him to be able to control them.<\/p>\n

He thought about what Ben had said, and hoped that he could be as generous as his father. \u201cYou\u2019re right, of course, but I will not be certain of my reaction until the baby\u2019s born, and I know the outcome. Until then, I\u2019ll just have to try to be happy for Becky.\u201d He smiled wryly. \u201cDo you know that she\u2019s actually looking forward to it?\u201d He shook his head, knowing that he would never understand a woman\u2019s attitude to childbirth.<\/p>\n

\u201cSon, someone said a long time ago, that a child brings its own welcome with it. I\u2019m sure that when the time comes, you will welcome it, and then deal with whatever happens to Becky.\u201d<\/p>\n

Adam looked at his father. \u201cI hope so. Thanks Pa.\u201d He put his hand on Ben\u2019s arm. \u201cThanks for listening.\u201d Ben merely nodded, wondering if his reticent son had at last found that he could share his problems, and would be able to do so in the future.
\nChapter Eight<\/p>\n

The weeks passed slowly for Becky. Adam insisted that she rest often, so that when the baby came she would be as strong as possible. He was trusting that her strength would pull her through it unscathed. For Adam, those same weeks seemed to fly by. He dreaded the birth, and what it might bring. Despite his father\u2019s wise words, he didn\u2019t trust himself not to blame the child if Becky was crippled by its birth, and he would willingly have delayed that moment forever.<\/p>\n

Every afternoon, when the weather was fine, Adam would take Becky and the children out in the surrey. She found that the inactivity forced on her meant that she was unable to sleep at night, but was helped by the fresh air and change of scenery that the outing gave her. Adam took her everywhere, but her favourite trip was to the lake, where she would breath in the cool spring air, laden as it was with the smell of the pines.<\/p>\n

One afternoon, late in her pregnancy, Adam had taken Becky out. For once, they were alone; the children were spending the night at the Ponderosa to give their parents some much-needed rest.<\/p>\n

Adam helped Becky down from the buggy as they pulled up in front of the house. \u201cWhy don\u2019t you go and lie down, and I\u2019ll bring you up some tea, after I\u2019ve put the buggy away?\u201d he suggested.<\/p>\n

Becky leant back and stretched, then rested her hands on the bump that was their unborn child. \u201cYes, thank you, I think I could do with being horizontal for a while.\u201d She smiled and made her way towards the house, her hands pressing on her back, and Adam could see that she was walking a little crooked, favouring one side. He shook his head; this pregnancy had been a terrible mistake. He was thinking about his feelings towards the baby, trying to conjure up in his mind the image of a child, and himself holding it, and loving it. But what he felt could at best be described as resentment, and at worst, hatred. He saw Becky crippled, and the child in his arms was responsible.<\/p>\n

He unhitched the horse and led it into the barn. It was dim inside after the brightness of the sun, but Adam knew his way, and took the animal unerringly into its stall. He turned away and went to the corner of the barn to get some fresh hay. As he leant down to gather an armful, something hit him hard on the back of the head. He saw his hands reach out, but instead of gathering in the hay, they kept going, hitting the ground, and sliding until he was sprawled on the hard earth. He lay there unable to move, and then he saw a boot coming towards his head. He tried to move out of the way, but his body would not obey his commands and as the blow connected, the shattering pain sent the world spinning away.<\/p>\n

When he came back to consciousness, he lay still, trying to work out where he was. His head was throbbing, and he could feel blood running down his face. He opened his eyes slowly, and saw that he was lying on his side, then he tried to rise and found that he couldn\u2019t move. His hands were bound behind his back and tied to a short rope that was attached to his feet, which were also bound, forcing his knees to bend sharply. He turned his head, and his heart stopped as he saw Valerie standing behind him, smiling at his helplessness, her deep blue eyes hard and staring. Beside her stood a man, shorter in height than Valerie, and with lank dark hair, framing a face that reminded Adam of a dog he had once seen, his mouth seemed to be pushed up under his nose and small black eyes were observing Adam as he lay at their feet.<\/p>\n

Adam was speechless for a moment, then he croaked, \u201cValerie!\u201d<\/p>\n

She moved to stand in front of him and then knelt down. \u201cYes, my darling, it\u2019s me. I came back for you.\u201d<\/p>\n

For a moment, Adam panicked as he thought that they were going to kidnap him, then he noticed that she was holding a gun, and panic turned to terror as he realised that she had something more permanent in mind. His thoughts went to Becky, and what this would do to her. Then he wondered how long he had been unconscious, he didn\u2019t want Becky to come looking for him. He looked at the horse that he had brought in and saw that she was still sweating slightly. He breathed a sigh of relief; he couldn\u2019t have been out more than a few minutes. He looked back at Valerie and struggled against his bonds, but they were tight and gave him no movement.<\/p>\n

\u201cWhat do you want?\u201d he asked, trying to keep his voice calm.<\/p>\n

\u201cI want you,\u201d she stated harshly. \u201cDead.\u201d She knelt down and ran her fingers down Adam\u2019s face. He shivered at her touch, remembering.<\/p>\n

The man beside her spoke. \u201cValerie, you never said anything about killing him. You just said that you wanted to teach him a lesson.\u201d<\/p>\n

\u201cHarold, shut up. I\u2019m going to teach him a lesson, all right. I\u2019m going to teach him that no one walks out on me and gets away with it. I failed before, but there\u2019s going to be no mistake this time.\u201d<\/p>\n

\u201cI will not be part of killing a man. That\u2019s not why I helped you. You said that we would be together, once you had finished with him.\u201d Harold held Valerie\u2019s arm. \u201cYou promised.\u201d<\/p>\n

\u201cYou stupid man, did you really think that I wanted you?\u201d<\/p>\n

Harold looked aghast and took a step back as Valerie turned the gun on him and fired. He fell to the ground, and choked twice before he lay still. Valerie ignored him as she turned back to Adam, pointing the gun at him. \u201cHe was a fool, thinking that I could want him, after having you.\u201d<\/p>\n

\u201cValerie, don\u2019t do it, I\u2019ll come with you, and we can be together.\u201d He had to keep her talking while he tried to think.<\/p>\n

\u201cTogether?\u201d laughed Valerie, shaking her head. \u201cNo, you had your chance and you left me. Now I\u2019m going to make sure that no one can have you.\u201d<\/p>\n

She knelt down beside him again and put the gun on the ground. He tried to turn away as she held his head firmly between her hands, found his lips, and kissed him deeply. He felt his body tense at her touch, and as the kiss ended, he turned his head and spat. Valerie stood and watched him, then kicked him hard in the stomach. Adam grunted, and he curled up as far as his bonds would allow, trying to protect himself from any further attack, but the second kick from Valerie\u2019s small, but solid, button boots got through to his ribs, and she watched silently as he struggled for breath.<\/p>\n

She aimed the gun at his head, and her earlier harshness changed to compassion. \u201cAdam, I am only doing this for your own good. I know you can\u2019t be happy with that other woman, and it\u2019s too late to say you want me. I know I could persuade you to come back to me, but I don\u2019t want you now you\u2019ve been with her. I couldn\u2019t bear it if I thought that you were miserable, and you would be if I let you live. Believe me, it will hurt me to do this, but it really is for your own good.\u201d<\/p>\n

Adam\u2019s blood turned to ice when he heard her words, he realised that she believed she had found a reasoned argument, and would not easily be dissuaded. He decided to play her at her own game. \u201cValerie, you\u2019re right. But you don\u2019t need to put yourself through this, I know how it will upset you. Untie me, and give me the gun. Let me do it for myself.\u201d<\/p>\n

Valerie seemed to hesitate, but then she shook her head. \u201cNo, my darling, I love you, and it is the last thing I can do for you, to save you from this misery.\u201d<\/p>\n

She raised the gun and pressed it against his head. Adam tried to move, to squirm away from her, but she pressed the gun firmly into his temple, forcing his head onto the ground.<\/p>\n

\u201cSuch a waste,\u201d she said, shaking her head. Adam looked sideways at her, and then he shut his eyes and pictured Becky, he didn\u2019t want his last thoughts to be of Valerie. He heard the shot, and his heart stopped for a second, then he felt it beat again, and again. He wasn\u2019t dead! He felt a weight fall on him, and groaned as it increased the pain from his cracked ribs. Then he opened his eyes to see Valerie lying across him. He looked towards the barn door and saw Becky standing there, the smoking rifle still in her hands. She stood immobile for a second, and then rushed across to her husband. Becky tried to lift Valerie aside, but couldn\u2019t move her, so instead she knelt down and untied the ropes that held Adam. Once he was free, he shifted Valerie off him and took Becky gently in his arms.<\/p>\n

\u201cThank you, my darling, thank you,\u201d he said with feeling. \u201cHow did you know?\u201d<\/p>\n

Becky\u2019s voice trembled. \u201cYou were a long time putting the horse up, and I was nearly asleep, when I heard the shot. I went downstairs, got your rifle from the study, and came out to the barn, to see her with a gun against your head. I thought that I should tell her that I was there, but then I thought that she would shoot you anyway, so I\u2026I\u2026\u201d<\/p>\n

Adam held her tight. \u201cIt\u2019s all right. You did the right thing, she would have killed me.\u201d He looked at the bodies strewn about his barn and, putting his arm round Becky\u2019s waist to support her, led Becky to the house. He tried to make her sit down, but she could see the cut on his head, where Valerie had kicked him and could tell that his ribs hurt. She insisted that she was all right and that he should be the one to sit down. Adam didn\u2019t argue with her, he had begun to shake as the unused adrenalin coursed through him looking for a purpose.<\/p>\n

She brought him some coffee, and the whiskey bottle. He looked at it, not wanting to mix the two ever again. Then Becky did it for him.<\/p>\n

\u201cDrink it. Right now I think you could use it,\u201d she insisted. Adam smiled thinly and sipped the steadying drink while Becky bathed the cut on his head.<\/p>\n

She had just finished when they heard a horse come galloping into the yard. Becky stood to look out of the window. \u201cIt\u2019s Roy,\u201d she said, turning to Adam and frowning. She opened the door and the sheriff ran into the house.<\/p>\n

\u201cThank goodness, you\u2019re both all right,\u201d Roy said, then spotted the cut on Adam\u2019s head. \u201cOr are you?\u201d<\/p>\n

Adam stood, wrapping his arms round his ribs. \u201cRoy, I have something to show you, come with me.\u201d<\/p>\n

They went out to the barn. When Roy saw what it contained, he turned to Adam, who was standing silently beside him. \u201cThat was what I was coming to tell you. The authorities in Sacramento just got around to telling me that Valerie had escaped.\u201d Roy glanced across at the body of the man. \u201cWho\u2019s that?\u201d<\/p>\n

\u201cI don\u2019t know. Valerie called him Harold. She shot him, and was going to kill me, but Becky stopped her.\u201d<\/p>\n

Roy nodded. \u201cMust be the guard who helped her escape.\u201d He put his arm on Adam\u2019s shoulder. \u201cGo back into the house, and look after Becky. She doesn\u2019t need this in her condition. I\u2019ll take care of things in here.\u201d<\/p>\n

Adam was only too glad to leave him to it. \u201cThanks Roy.\u201d<\/p>\n

He went back to join Becky, and sat on the settee beside her. He put his arm round her shoulders and they sat in silence, grateful just to be together. Suddenly Becky took a deep breath, then she turned to him, and the look on her face was one of pure joy. Adam was totally bewildered until Becky explained. \u201cI think the baby\u2019s coming. Perhaps you could get Roy to ask Paul to come out, when he gets back to town.\u201d<\/p>\n

Adam sat up, sucking in his breath as the sudden movement pulled at his ribs. \u201cBut it\u2019s too early,\u201d he said, concerned.<\/p>\n

\u201cOnly a couple of weeks. No doubt it is all the excitement of this afternoon.\u201d She smiled at her husband to reassure him, then she laughed. \u201cYou will never get used to this, will you?\u201d<\/p>\n

Adam shook his head, he hated any situation of which he was not in control, and childbirth was the worst, as all he could do was wait, making no contribution to events. After speaking to Roy, he took Becky upstairs, and helped her into bed, amazed how she seemed to have put the events of the afternoon behind her.<\/p>\n

Adam had waited for the birth of his children twice before, but thought that this was probably the most difficult time. He was not looking forward to the arrival, in fact he dreaded it. He tried to remember his father\u2019s words, but they brought him little comfort. He sat with Becky, trying to be strong for her, to support her, but she was doing more to keep him calm. When he heard a knock on the door, he went to answer it and found Paul standing there.<\/p>\n

\u201cWhat happened to you?\u201d he asked when he saw the cut on Adam\u2019s head.<\/p>\n

\u201cValerie came back,\u201d Adam told him. Paul raised his eyebrows, and was about to look closer at the damage, but Adam pushed him away. \u201cDon\u2019t worry about me, my wife needs you right now. Paul\u2026\u201d Adam looked into the eyes of the doctor.<\/p>\n

Paul nodded. \u201cI\u2019ll do my best for Becky,\u201d he assured her husband, and went upstairs. As the doctor disappeared, Adam saw his father draw up. He walked out to greet him, again cradling his ribs.<\/p>\n

\u201cPa, I\u2019m glad you\u2019re here. Becky\u2019s in labour.\u201d<\/p>\n

\u201cWhat! So, soon.\u201d He laughed. \u201cThen you won\u2019t want the ledgers that you forgot to take with you earlier. Would you like me to stay with you?\u201d<\/p>\n

Adam nodded glad to have his father with him. \u201cYes, if you would. You know that I\u2019m not very good at this. I\u2019ll send someone to tell Alice.\u201d Adam disappeared to find one of the hands to send with a message.<\/p>\n

Ben had seen the cut on his son\u2019s forehead and his uncomfortable stance when he stood. \u201cWhat happened?\u201d he asked, as Adam came back into the house.<\/p>\n

\u201cValerie escaped and came looking for me,\u201d said Adam, not looking at his father, knowing he would see questions in his eyes. \u201cShe was going to kill me, but Becky shot her. She saved my life.\u201d<\/p>\n

\u201cIsn\u2019t it about time that you told me what happened?\u201d Ben hoped that Adam\u2019s recent change of heart, in sharing his troubles with his father, might enable Ben to find out exactly who Valerie was.<\/p>\n

Adam was silent; he didn\u2019t know how to tell Ben what he had done. This man had raised him to be honest and honourable, and although Paul had persuaded him that it was not his fault, Adam still felt in his heart that he should have been able to prevent it. He knew that his father would be disappointed in him for getting himself into such a situation, and he couldn\u2019t face that at this moment.<\/p>\n

\u201cValerie\u2019s dead and it\u2019s all behind us now, I just want to forget her.\u201d Adam insisted. \u201cAll I\u2019m concerned about is Becky, and the baby.\u201d<\/p>\n

\u201cAdam, don\u2019t keep this inside, you must let it out, whatever it is.\u201d<\/p>\n

\u201cI have,\u201d Adam said, looking at his father. \u201cBecky knows, and that\u2019s all that matters. She knows, and she forgave me.\u201d<\/p>\n

\u201cThen don\u2019t you think it\u2019s time you forgave yourself?\u201d Ben asked, putting his hand on Adam\u2019s arm, beginning to guess what his son was hiding.<\/p>\n

\u201cPerhaps, eventually, now that Valerie\u2019s dead. But it wasn\u2019t something that you can just put out of your mind. I hurt Becky, and I would give anything not to have done that.\u201d Adam stood and started to pace the floor, glancing occasionally towards the stairs. \u201cFor now, I just want Becky to be all right.\u201d Adam went into the kitchen to make some coffee, signalling an end to that particular conversation.<\/p>\n

For Adam, the next hours were like a waking nightmare. He was worried for Becky, and the effect the delivery might have on her, and he was afraid for himself, afraid that he might fail this test of his ability to forgive a child for the blameless act of getting born.<\/p>\n

Ben tried to get Adam to rest. He could see that his ribs were troubling him, as he wrapped his arms across his chest, and he frequently put his fingers to the bridge of his nose and screwed up his eyes, a sign Ben recognised as meaning that his son had a headache. But Adam was too restless; too many thoughts were going through his head to give him any peace.<\/p>\n

Ben was asleep, stretched out on the sofa. Adam went out onto the veranda, and stood looking at the first pale light of the new day as it touched the far mountains. Suddenly he heard a faint crying. He turned, ran into the house and up the stairs, where Paul met him outside the bedroom door. Adam grasped the doctor\u2019s shoulders and searched his face for the answer to the question he was afraid to ask.<\/p>\n

\u201cAdam, you have another son.\u201d Paul smiled faintly.<\/p>\n

\u201cHow\u2026how\u2019s Becky?\u201d Adam asked.<\/p>\n

Paul couldn\u2019t meet his eyes and looked down. \u201cIt\u2019s as I feared. Becky has lost all feeling in her legs. Adam, she won\u2019t be able to walk.\u201d<\/p>\n

Adam leaned back against the wall, wrapping his arms round himself as he whispered, \u201cNo!\u201d<\/p>\n

Paul simply nodded to confirm the outcome of the delivery. Adam straightened, wanting to go to his wife, but dreading to look on the face of his newborn son. He took a deep breath, and opened the bedroom door. As he entered and saw Becky looking at him, smiling, he went to her, took her hand, and kissed her forehead.<\/p>\n

\u201cHow do you feel?\u201d he asked.<\/p>\n

\u201cTired, but it was worth it, you have another son. Are you pleased?\u201d<\/p>\n

Adam hesitated a fraction too long before answering. \u201cYes.\u201d<\/p>\n

\u201cGo to your son, take him in your arms, look at him,\u201d she instructed firmly.<\/p>\n

Reluctantly, he went to the other side of the bed where the baby lay in its crib. Adam closed his eyes and took a deep breath, before he looked down and saw the face of his son, whose tiny hands opened and closed as he slept peacefully. Adam hesitated, and then he reached down, putting his hands under the child and lifting him into his arms. He raised a finger and brushed it against the gossamer soft covering of dark hair on the baby\u2019s head, then his finger travelled to the soft cheek, the rosebud mouth, finally feeling one of the tiny hands, which reacted to his touch by gripping his little finger. Adam stared at the innocent face, and all his fears left him. The baby, whose arrival Adam had dreaded, had found his way into the heart of his father, simply by his presence.<\/p>\n

Adam looked at Becky, swallowed back the tears that threatened, and smiled. \u201cHe\u2019s perfect, isn\u2019t he?\u201d<\/p>\n

Becky held out her arms and Adam passed the child to her. \u201cYes,\u201d she said, but looked sad. Then added, \u201cUnlike his mother. Adam, I can\u2019t move my legs.\u201d<\/p>\n

\u201cI know, Paul told me.\u201d Adam sat on the side of the bed. \u201cI\u2019m so sorry, this should never have happened. It wouldn\u2019t have happened if I\u2026\u201d<\/p>\n

\u201cAdam,\u201d Becky said sharply. \u201cStop it. It\u2019s time that you forgot what happened. It wasn\u2019t your fault, so stop wallowing in regrets, and start to think about the future. I need you now more than ever, and you\u2019ll be no good to me if you live in the past. I need you to be strong. The days ahead are going to be difficult enough, I don\u2019t want to have to worry about you. My inability to walk will destroy both of us, if I know that every time you look at me, you blame yourself. Eventually you would come to hate me for reminding you of Valerie, and what she did.\u201d Her voice softened. \u201cPromise me that you will put it behind you, and only look forward. You have a wonderful family, and many things to be grateful for. Don\u2019t throw them away.\u201d<\/p>\n

Adam looked at her, his heart full of nothing but love for this woman, who knew him so well.<\/p>\n

\u201cYou\u2019re right, and I\u2019ll try.\u201d He wasn\u2019t sure that he could set aside these past months so easily. But he would try for Becky\u2019s sake and, perhaps, eventually he could make it happen.<\/p>\n

Adam went downstairs to fetch his father, to see his new grandson. Ben looked at him, searching Adam\u2019s face for clues to his reaction to the birth.<\/p>\n

\u201cIt\u2019s all right, Pa. The baby\u2019s perfect, and I can do nothing but welcome him into the world.\u201d He paused, took a deep breath, and then continued. \u201cBut Becky won\u2019t be able to walk again, it\u2019s just as Paul feared.\u201d<\/p>\n

\u201cAdam, I\u2019m so sorry.\u201d He put a comforting hand on his son\u2019s shoulder.<\/p>\n

\u201cDon\u2019t worry, we\u2019ll manage. Once Becky gets used to her new situation, I\u2019m sure that she\u2019ll be just as she was before. She\u2019s strong and determined, and I will make certain that her life is as full as it ever was. It\u2019ll just be different, that\u2019s all.\u201d<\/p>\n

Adam went to the kitchen and returned with a tray carrying glasses of champagne, then they went to Becky, with Paul following. Ben and Paul admired the baby and tried to find the words to tell Becky how sorry they were. But Becky would have none of it.<\/p>\n

\u201cPlease, both of you, I\u2019m fine, and so is the baby. Let\u2019s be happy for his safe arrival.\u201d She smiled at them, and they relaxed.<\/p>\n

Adam handed round the champagne and Ben raised his glass to Becky and Adam in a toast. \u201cTo your son,\u201d he announced.<\/p>\n

Adam looked into Becky\u2019s eyes. \u201cAnd the future,\u201d he added, and they smiled at each other, in silent understanding of the promise given.
\nTHE END<\/p>\n

Heaven has no rage like love to hatred turned,
\nNor hell a fury, like a woman scorned.<\/p>\n

William Congreve (1670-1729) \u2013 The Mourning Bride<\/p>\n

 <\/p>\n

<\/div>\n

<\/g><\/svg><\/i> \"Loading\"<\/p>\n

<\/div>\n","protected":false},"excerpt":{"rendered":"

Summary:\u00a0 Adam has to return to his wife with a secret that may destroy their marriage. How will Becky react when he tells her?<\/p>\n

Rating\u00a0 T\u00a0 (36,900 words)<\/p>\n

Memories of Love Series, links to all stories within the series are included.<\/p>\n","protected":false},"author":10351,"featured_media":3216,"comment_status":"open","ping_status":"open","sticky":false,"template":"template-full-width-post.php","format":"standard","meta":{"_jetpack_newsletter_access":"","_jetpack_dont_email_post_to_subs":false,"_jetpack_newsletter_tier_id":0,"_jetpack_memberships_contains_paywalled_content":false,"_jetpack_memberships_contains_paid_content":false,"footnotes":"","jetpack_post_was_ever_published":false},"categories":[7,23,1008,3],"tags":[],"class_list":["post-14073","post","type-post","status-publish","format-standard","has-post-thumbnail","hentry","category-a-u","category-drama","category-family","category-romance","wpcat-7-id","wpcat-23-id","wpcat-1008-id","wpcat-3-id"],"a3_pvc":{"activated":true,"total_views":1551,"today_views":1},"jetpack_featured_media_url":"https:\/\/i0.wp.com\/bonanzabrand.info\/library\/wp-content\/uploads\/2014\/04\/WoF-37Edengirl.jpg?fit=768%2C576&ssl=1","jetpack_likes_enabled":true,"jetpack-related-posts":[{"id":15553,"url":"https:\/\/bonanzabrand.info\/library\/?p=15553","url_meta":{"origin":14073,"position":0},"title":"The Miracle of Christmas (by Indiana)","author":"indiana","date":"December 25, 2016","format":false,"excerpt":"Summary:\u00a0 This story was written for the 2016 Advent Collection. Rating:\u00a0 G\u00a0 (910 words)","rel":"","context":"In "Drama"","block_context":{"text":"Drama","link":"https:\/\/bonanzabrand.info\/library\/?cat=23"},"img":{"alt_text":"","src":"https:\/\/i0.wp.com\/bonanzabrand.info\/library\/wp-content\/uploads\/2016\/12\/00001_Advent1.jpg?fit=791%2C680&ssl=1&resize=350%2C200","width":350,"height":200,"srcset":"https:\/\/i0.wp.com\/bonanzabrand.info\/library\/wp-content\/uploads\/2016\/12\/00001_Advent1.jpg?fit=791%2C680&ssl=1&resize=350%2C200 1x, https:\/\/i0.wp.com\/bonanzabrand.info\/library\/wp-content\/uploads\/2016\/12\/00001_Advent1.jpg?fit=791%2C680&ssl=1&resize=525%2C300 1.5x, https:\/\/i0.wp.com\/bonanzabrand.info\/library\/wp-content\/uploads\/2016\/12\/00001_Advent1.jpg?fit=791%2C680&ssl=1&resize=700%2C400 2x"},"classes":[]},{"id":14075,"url":"https:\/\/bonanzabrand.info\/library\/?p=14075","url_meta":{"origin":14073,"position":1},"title":"Memories of Love #2 – The Future of Love (by Diana G)","author":"DianaG","date":"December 9, 2001","format":false,"excerpt":"Summary:\u00a0 A continuation of Adam and Becky. Rating:\u00a0 T\u00a0\u00a0 (9,150 words) Memories of Love Series, links to all stories of this series included.","rel":"","context":"In "Alternate Universe"","block_context":{"text":"Alternate Universe","link":"https:\/\/bonanzabrand.info\/library\/?cat=7"},"img":{"alt_text":"","src":"https:\/\/i0.wp.com\/bonanzabrand.info\/library\/wp-content\/uploads\/2014\/04\/WoF-37Edengirl.jpg?fit=768%2C576&ssl=1&resize=350%2C200","width":350,"height":200,"srcset":"https:\/\/i0.wp.com\/bonanzabrand.info\/library\/wp-content\/uploads\/2014\/04\/WoF-37Edengirl.jpg?fit=768%2C576&ssl=1&resize=350%2C200 1x, https:\/\/i0.wp.com\/bonanzabrand.info\/library\/wp-content\/uploads\/2014\/04\/WoF-37Edengirl.jpg?fit=768%2C576&ssl=1&resize=525%2C300 1.5x, https:\/\/i0.wp.com\/bonanzabrand.info\/library\/wp-content\/uploads\/2014\/04\/WoF-37Edengirl.jpg?fit=768%2C576&ssl=1&resize=700%2C400 2x"},"classes":[]},{"id":14076,"url":"https:\/\/bonanzabrand.info\/library\/?p=14076","url_meta":{"origin":14073,"position":2},"title":"Memories of Love #3 – Love’s Rewards (by Diana G)","author":"DianaG","date":"December 9, 2001","format":false,"excerpt":"Summary:\u00a0 A continuation of Adam and Becky. Rating:\u00a0 T\u00a0\u00a0 (14,400 words) Memories of Love Series, links to all stories of this series included.","rel":"","context":"In "Alternate Universe"","block_context":{"text":"Alternate Universe","link":"https:\/\/bonanzabrand.info\/library\/?cat=7"},"img":{"alt_text":"","src":"https:\/\/i0.wp.com\/bonanzabrand.info\/library\/wp-content\/uploads\/2014\/04\/WoF-37Edengirl.jpg?fit=768%2C576&ssl=1&resize=350%2C200","width":350,"height":200,"srcset":"https:\/\/i0.wp.com\/bonanzabrand.info\/library\/wp-content\/uploads\/2014\/04\/WoF-37Edengirl.jpg?fit=768%2C576&ssl=1&resize=350%2C200 1x, https:\/\/i0.wp.com\/bonanzabrand.info\/library\/wp-content\/uploads\/2014\/04\/WoF-37Edengirl.jpg?fit=768%2C576&ssl=1&resize=525%2C300 1.5x, https:\/\/i0.wp.com\/bonanzabrand.info\/library\/wp-content\/uploads\/2014\/04\/WoF-37Edengirl.jpg?fit=768%2C576&ssl=1&resize=700%2C400 2x"},"classes":[]},{"id":14070,"url":"https:\/\/bonanzabrand.info\/library\/?p=14070","url_meta":{"origin":14073,"position":3},"title":"Memories of Love #5 – The Unlooked for Saviour (by Diana G)","author":"DianaG","date":"May 23, 2002","format":false,"excerpt":"Summary:\u00a0 Hoss and Joe are full of good intentions when they try to help Adam out of his desolate mood, but it is wisely said that \u2018the road to Hell is paved with good intentions\u2019. Rating:\u00a0 T\u00a0 (19,870 words) Memories of Love Series, links to all stories within the series\u2026","rel":"","context":"In "Alternate Universe"","block_context":{"text":"Alternate Universe","link":"https:\/\/bonanzabrand.info\/library\/?cat=7"},"img":{"alt_text":"","src":"https:\/\/i0.wp.com\/bonanzabrand.info\/library\/wp-content\/uploads\/2014\/04\/WoF-37Edengirl.jpg?fit=768%2C576&ssl=1&resize=350%2C200","width":350,"height":200,"srcset":"https:\/\/i0.wp.com\/bonanzabrand.info\/library\/wp-content\/uploads\/2014\/04\/WoF-37Edengirl.jpg?fit=768%2C576&ssl=1&resize=350%2C200 1x, https:\/\/i0.wp.com\/bonanzabrand.info\/library\/wp-content\/uploads\/2014\/04\/WoF-37Edengirl.jpg?fit=768%2C576&ssl=1&resize=525%2C300 1.5x, https:\/\/i0.wp.com\/bonanzabrand.info\/library\/wp-content\/uploads\/2014\/04\/WoF-37Edengirl.jpg?fit=768%2C576&ssl=1&resize=700%2C400 2x"},"classes":[]},{"id":14071,"url":"https:\/\/bonanzabrand.info\/library\/?p=14071","url_meta":{"origin":14073,"position":4},"title":"Memories of Love #4 – A Time to Heal (by Diana G)","author":"DianaG","date":"January 15, 2002","format":false,"excerpt":"Summary:\u00a0 Adam takes Becky away to help her recover from her illness. As Becky regains her health, they both find renewal. But then Adam is forced to accept that some wounds are so deep that they can never be truly healed. 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