{"id":14370,"date":"2000-01-08T12:09:26","date_gmt":"2000-01-08T17:09:26","guid":{"rendered":"https:\/\/bonanzabrand.info\/library\/?p=14370"},"modified":"2026-07-22T09:32:31","modified_gmt":"2026-07-22T13:32:31","slug":"houston-we-have-a-problem-on-the-ponderosa-by-robin","status":"publish","type":"post","link":"https:\/\/bonanzabrand.info\/library\/?p=14370","title":{"rendered":"Houston, We Have a Problem on the Ponderosa (by Robin)"},"content":{"rendered":"

Summary:<\/strong> \u00a0There’s a problem, and only Houston can help the Cartwrights.<\/p>\n

Rating: \u00a0T \u00a0(1,100 words)<\/p>\n

Author’s Note:<\/strong> \u00a0The REALLY Losts are satires of the series written with much affection, eye rolling,\u00a0\u00a0and winks. \u00a0And can be somewhat risque’.<\/em><\/p>\n

 <\/p>\n

Houston, We Have a Problem on the Ponderosa
\nA REALLY Lost Episode
\n<\/strong><\/p>\n

\u201cHouston – we have a problem.” Joe said to Sam Houston. They stood toe to toe in the barn. Sam had been cruising for a bruising for the entire time he had been at the Ponderosa. First he lit into Ben Cartwright about overthrowing Mexico. Ben felt that respecting the autonomy of autonomous foreign lands was more important than avenging the Alamo.<\/p>\n

 <\/p>\n

Next Houston told Adam his guitar playing curdled milk and was the main cause of all those breech births in Nevada Territory.\u00a0 Adam demanded some scientific empirical evidence and Sam grabbed the guitar and whacked Adam over the head. He was knocked cold and remained in a coma for 17 hours.<\/p>\n

 <\/p>\n

Then Houston told Hoss that he was a sissy fat boy and looked so much like the Pillsbury Dough boy that the only woman who would find him attractive was Betty Crocker. Shy Hoss was hurt to the quick as he was hoping Sara Lee or Mrs. Butterworth would at least give him a chance.<\/p>\n

 <\/p>\n

Finally he told Little Joe that the gal he had been courting, Feta Lee Ill, had been naked with Houston in the barn loft during while Joe was rounding up cattle.<\/p>\n

 <\/p>\n

Little Joe had hoped to be naked with Feta Lee in the barn loft himself after the church social but before Feta\u2018s funeral. If Feta Lee Ill was gonna die, at least she would die\u2026 a woman. But Houston already spoiled that as well as Feta Lee. Now she would have to change her name to Sue Ellen Ewing and leave Nevada. \u201cHouston we have a problem!\u201d Joe spit out<\/p>\n

 <\/p>\n

\u201cWe sure have boy. What are you goin\u2019 to do about it?\u201d Houston challenged wiping Joe\u2019s spit out of his eye.<\/p>\n

 <\/p>\n

\u201cMy gal said you have been mighty familiar with her!\u201d Joe growled.\u00a0 \u201cStep outside to the barn. Pa don\u2019t like me killing people in the house and shooting up the place.\u201d<\/p>\n

 <\/p>\n

\u201cDon\u2019t get blood on floor. Just wash cow poop off floor. Hop Sing go back to China if Joe shoot nasty house guest in house!\u201d Hop Sing demanded.<\/p>\n

 <\/p>\n

\u201cI sleep with Sue Ellen Ewing here and I\u2019m gonna take her back to Dallas with me when I go.\u201d Houston said as he and Joe walked out to the barn.<\/p>\n

 <\/p>\n

\u201cIs that so? Houston, we have a problem,\u201d Joe repeated.<\/p>\n

 <\/p>\n

\u201cA problem?\u2026just one problem? For years, you guys wear the same clothes. What do you have ten zillion of the same outfit upstairs in your bedrooms. You have no bath room and that fat brother sees leprechauns and other little green people. Your oldest brother walks around wearing black and strumming a guitar. What does he think he is? Johnny Cash??”<\/p>\n

\u201cJohnny Cash doesn\u2019t sing as well as my brother! And Adam knows madrigals and show tunes too!” Joe stuck up for his brother. Cartwrights always hung together against drifters, Pa\u2019s long lost friends and weasely guys who bushwhacked them. No long lost pal of Pa\u2019s was gonna disrespect a Cartwright, even if he did fight at the Alamo.<\/p>\n

 <\/p>\n

\u201cYou are three grown men, living with your father who tells you to go to bed and not chew your food with your mouth open.\u201d<\/p>\n

\u201cAnd not to put our feet on the furniture or gallop too fast on the way into the barn,\u201d Joe added. \u201cThat\u2019s ’cause our Pa loves us more than anything or anyone\u2026. even the Ponderosa!\u201d<\/p>\n

 <\/p>\n

\u201cYour father outlived three wives and none of you boys have had a relationship that lasted longer than one episode\u2026and\u2026\u201d Houston drew out his pistol and picked Joe\u2019s nose with the business end of it. \u201cI wouldn\u2019t be a holdin\u2019 my nose up in the air, if I were you, boy.\u201d<\/p>\n

\u201dDon\u2019t you say bad about my family, Houston.\u201d Joe brushed the gun from his nose, twirled and immediately shot Houston.<\/p>\n

 <\/p>\n

\u201cAnd you sure have a bad temper\u2026\u201d Houston gasped as he breathed his last. \u201cUurg.\u201d<\/p>\n

 <\/p>\n

\u201cJoseph!\u201d Ben Cartwright rushed into the barn with Hoss at his heels.<\/p>\n

\u201cDang Pa! Joe just shot the house guest!\u201d<\/p>\n

\u201cI\u2019ll go tell Hop Sing that we have one less for dinner and there is no need to use the good dishes.\u201d Adam said.<\/p>\n

 <\/p>\n

\u201cHe started Pa. He disrespected the Cartwright family and I warned him.\u201d
\nJoe said as he twirled his pistol and reholstered it.<\/p>\n

 <\/p>\n

\u201cPa, now that the houseguest is dead and we ain\u2019t having a fancy dinner, can we eat on TV trays and watch reruns of the Beverly Hillbillies?\u201d Hoss loved Ellie May much more than he could express. \u201cWe\u2019ll even put on our night shirts and bunny slippers!\u201d<\/p>\n

 <\/p>\n

\u201cHoss! No eating in front of the TV!!\u201d Ben roared. \u201cNo one ever does that in my house. In this family we sit at the table, in manly clothes and discuss plot motivations and cattle and soon-to-arrive unexpected house guests.\u201d Ben noticed the dead body of Houston\u00a0 at his feet. \u201dJoseph! How many times do I have to tell you to clean up after yourself! If you want to go to that dance in town, you better shape up!\u201d<\/p>\n

\u201cOr ship out?\u201d Sam gasped in his last dying breath. \u201cAaaaaaaaaaahkk.\u201d<\/p>\n

 <\/p>\n

Joe drew again and plugged Houston in his most problematic area. \u201cPa, he started up first! I had to do it!\u201d Joe\u2019s eyes alternately flashed green and hazel like a lime flavored disco ball.<\/p>\n

 <\/p>\n

\u201cPa, what are we gonna do? Joe here jest shot Sam Houston again in his most problematic area.\u201d Hoss shook his head and stepped over the gak oozing from Houston\u2019s intestines.<\/p>\n

 <\/p>\n

\u201cTwo times, Pa.\u201d Adam was college educated and did brilliantly in both math and ballistics. He got 789 in the math part of the SATs and 793 in the ballistics section.<\/p>\n

\u201cAdam, dress Houston in one of those blue dresses on the rack in the doomed gal cupboard and prop him up in the stage coach. Then, you boys kinda wave good bye at him while one of you cries a manly tear or two over lost love\u2026 and the other two console him — yada yada, better to have loved and lost than, yada yada — and no one will ever know. The whole town is used to us ending the episode like that,\u201d Ben suggested. \u201cAnd Joe, go change into your other green corduroy jacket and tan pants. Don\u2019t want to wear dirty clothes to the table.\u201d<\/p>\n

 <\/p>\n

\u201cYes sir!\u201d The three Cartwright brothers set to their chores as Ben sighed. It wasn\u2019t easy being a single Pa and Cattle Baron and solving his boys\u2019 problems each week. Cattle Baron Dads know best.<\/p>\n

 <\/p>\n

*****End*****<\/p>\n

 <\/p>\n

 <\/p>\n

Tags: Adam Cartwright, Ben Cartwright, Hoss Cartwright, Joe \/ Little Joe Cartwright<\/p>\n","protected":false},"excerpt":{"rendered":"

Summary: \u00a0There’s a problem, and only Houston can help the Cartwrights.<\/p>\n

Rating: \u00a0T \u00a0(1,100 words)<\/p>\n","protected":false},"author":44,"featured_media":14367,"comment_status":"open","ping_status":"open","sticky":false,"template":"template-full-width-post.php","format":"standard","meta":{"_jetpack_newsletter_access":"","_jetpack_dont_email_post_to_subs":false,"_jetpack_newsletter_tier_id":0,"_jetpack_memberships_contains_paywalled_content":false,"_jetpack_feature_clip_id":0,"_jetpack_memberships_contains_paid_content":false,"footnotes":"","jetpack_publicize_message":"","jetpack_publicize_feature_enabled":true,"jetpack_social_post_already_shared":false,"jetpack_social_options":{"image_generator_settings":{"template":"highway","default_image_id":0,"font":"","enabled":false},"version":2},"jetpack_post_was_ever_published":false,"_members_access_role":[],"_members_access_error":""},"categories":[24,4],"tags":[],"class_list":["post-14370","post","type-post","status-publish","format-standard","has-post-thumbnail","hentry","category-crossover","category-humor","wpcat-24-id","wpcat-4-id"],"jetpack_publicize_connections":[],"jetpack_likes_enabled":true,"jetpack_sharing_enabled":true,"jetpack_featured_media_url":"https:\/\/i0.wp.com\/bonanzabrand.info\/library\/wp-content\/uploads\/2017\/06\/ARLE-e1497282889671.png?fit=570%2C416&ssl=1","_links":{"self":[{"href":"https:\/\/bonanzabrand.info\/library\/index.php?rest_route=\/wp\/v2\/posts\/14370","targetHints":{"allow":["GET"]}}],"collection":[{"href":"https:\/\/bonanzabrand.info\/library\/index.php?rest_route=\/wp\/v2\/posts"}],"about":[{"href":"https:\/\/bonanzabrand.info\/library\/index.php?rest_route=\/wp\/v2\/types\/post"}],"author":[{"embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/bonanzabrand.info\/library\/index.php?rest_route=\/wp\/v2\/users\/44"}],"replies":[{"embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/bonanzabrand.info\/library\/index.php?rest_route=%2Fwp%2Fv2%2Fcomments&post=14370"}],"version-history":[{"count":0,"href":"https:\/\/bonanzabrand.info\/library\/index.php?rest_route=\/wp\/v2\/posts\/14370\/revisions"}],"wp:featuredmedia":[{"embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/bonanzabrand.info\/library\/index.php?rest_route=\/wp\/v2\/media\/14367"}],"wp:attachment":[{"href":"https:\/\/bonanzabrand.info\/library\/index.php?rest_route=%2Fwp%2Fv2%2Fmedia&parent=14370"}],"wp:term":[{"taxonomy":"category","embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/bonanzabrand.info\/library\/index.php?rest_route=%2Fwp%2Fv2%2Fcategories&post=14370"},{"taxonomy":"post_tag","embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/bonanzabrand.info\/library\/index.php?rest_route=%2Fwp%2Fv2%2Ftags&post=14370"}],"curies":[{"name":"wp","href":"https:\/\/api.w.org\/{rel}","templated":true}]}}