{"id":14377,"date":"2000-01-01T13:39:04","date_gmt":"2000-01-01T18:39:04","guid":{"rendered":"https:\/\/bonanzabrand.info\/library\/?p=14377"},"modified":"2025-02-27T12:04:13","modified_gmt":"2025-02-27T17:04:13","slug":"my-son-my-son-mycancelled-wedding-by-robin","status":"publish","type":"post","link":"https:\/\/bonanzabrand.info\/library\/?p=14377","title":{"rendered":"My Son, My Son, My Cancelled Wedding (by Robin)"},"content":{"rendered":"

Summary: \u00a0<\/strong>Even my own stories aren’t safe from a REALLY Lost Episode story. \u00a0Inspired by A Modern Cartwrights Story 4 – Remnants of the Past.<\/p>\n

Rating: \u00a0T \u00a0(2,625 words)<\/p>\n

Author’s Note:<\/strong> \u00a0The REALLY Losts are satires of the series written with much affection, eye rolling,\u00a0\u00a0and winks. \u00a0And can be somewhat risque’.<\/em><\/p>\n

 <\/p>\n

My Son, My Son, My Cancelled Wedding
\nA REALLY Lost Episode
\n<\/strong><\/p>\n

Chapter One-The Girl Drawing<\/u><\/p>\n

 <\/p>\n

“Okay Adam. Staple those number tags on the extra gals,” directed Ben Cartwright. “And Hoss, you lift each one of them and put her in that empty water tank.”<\/p>\n

“Gently, Hoss! This one is sort of squishy!” Joe said as he kissed full figured Flora Romano adios.<\/p>\n

 <\/p>\n

\u201cAnd this one is sort of boney,\u201d Adam said kissing Bonita Slimfast farewell.<\/p>\n

“Stir ’em up good, boys!” Ben ordered, handing Adam a long stirring paddle.<\/p>\n

 <\/p>\n

\u201cMix \u2018em up, Ben,\u201d Roy Coffee said. \u201cDon\u2019t want any gals stuck in the bottom of the bin.\u201d As sheriff of Virginia City, he was authorized to oversee the official Broken Heart Lottery being held on the Ponderosa. Most folks around Nevada Territory just called the annual event The Ponderosa Stray Girl Drawing. All the Ponderosa ranch hands lined up with their raffle tickets anxiously awaiting the results of the Stray Girl Drawing on the Ponderosa. Not only did the Cartwrights pay $35 a month and have some of the most delicious grub in the Comstock, each cowboy got a ticket for the girl raffle every payday.<\/p>\n

“Hurry up, Adam! We ain’t got all day!” hollered doomed gimpy Gus. He knew he would be dead by dark.<\/p>\n

“Yeah I want that pitchfork-pierced gal that Little Joe discarded!” Shleppy Sam said. “She is well ventilated.\u201d So would he by the end of the episode.<\/p>\n

“And I want that gambling widow!” declared Poker Faced Paul eyeing Hoss’s discarded gal.<\/p>\n

Amazingly, no one was interested in Laura Dayton and she was labeled the booby prize.<\/p>\n

 <\/p>\n

\u201cMaybe you can pass her off to some of your poor down-at-the heels kin folk,\u201d guest-starring Sheriff Jed Clampett said. Then he mysteriously eyed the slutty blonde gal Adam had taken on the unchaperoned 27 hour picnic while her older but sluttier sister worked in the saloon serving up much more than beer.<\/p>\n

 <\/p>\n

\u201cSounds good to me!\u201d Adam agreed. He made note to ship Laura Dayton to cousin Muley or the late great Abel Stoddard or Cousin Zorro.<\/p>\n

 <\/p>\n

\u201cPa, what about you?\u201d Joe let a tear trickle down his cheek. He cared deeply about his beloved Pa\u2019s happiness and he cried so awesomely. He hadn\u2019t even had to pull a hair out of his nose or think about sad things like no prom date or split ends.<\/p>\n

\u201cI am courting that lovely widow, Katherine Saunders, boys\u2026you know that. Her husband was my good friend.\u201d<\/p>\n

\u201cDon\u2019t that happen an awful lot, Pa?\u201d Hoss asked.<\/p>\n

 <\/p>\n

\u201cNot more than once each season… I have a friend, he dies\u2026 often he has an attractive wife,\u201d Ben responded. \u201cWhat\u2019s a widowed cattle baron to do?\u201d<\/p>\n

 <\/p>\n

\u201cThere aren\u2019t that many single women in Nevada Territory,\u201d Adam shrugged.<\/p>\n

\u201cRemember that grape picking lady, Joyce. We built her a mill.\u201d Hoss loved grape jam on his bagels.<\/p>\n

 <\/p>\n

\u201cIsn\u2019t that how Pa met my mother, REAL Marie?\u201d Little Joe pointed out pointedly.<\/p>\n

\u201cNow that you mention it\u2026Pa was friends with Jean, Marie\u2018s first husband. He died when he and Pa were alone and Pa married Marie.\u201d Adam reminisced.<\/p>\n

 <\/p>\n

\u201cDon\u2019t that beat all! \u2018plus de choses changent, plus qu’ils restent la m\u00eame chose\u2019!” Hoss exclaimed.<\/p>\n

 <\/p>\n

\u201cHuh?\u201d Adam asked.<\/p>\n

 <\/p>\n

\u201cThe more things change the more they stay the same, son,\u201d Ben translated.<\/p>\n

 <\/p>\n

\u201cI thought you went to college back east, Adam.\u201d Roy Coffee asked pulling on his moustache. Roy had studied at the Mayberry Sheriff College.<\/p>\n

\u201cI did, but I took Japanese and engineering,\u201d Adam explained quickly. He didn\u2019t add that he flunked French because he got mono that semester. (Remember, mono used to be called the \u201ckissing disease\u201d.)<\/em><\/p>\n

\u201cMarie sure cooked good,\u201d Hoss sighed, remembering his stepmother\u2019s souffl\u00e9s and crepes and Cajun matzoh balls.<\/p>\n

 <\/p>\n

\u201cLook, here comes Katherine and her son!\u201d Adam announced. \u201cHe is going to try to throttle his mom!\u201d<\/p>\n

 <\/p>\n

Hoss ordered \u201c \u2018Arr\u00eat ne tuent pas votre m\u00e8re. Mon p\u00e8re veut l’\u00e9pouser s’il n’est pas trop tard!\u2019 Stop; don’t kill your mother. My father wants to marry her if it isn’t too late” <\/em><\/p>\n

 <\/p>\n

\u201cBAD EDEN!\u201d Joe hollered. \u201dBad bad Eden!\u201d<\/p>\n

\u201cKill him, Pa!\u201d the three brothers cheered excitedly as each handed him a pistol.<\/p>\n

 <\/p>\n

\u201cThanks, boys. I have my own firearm.\u201d Ben drew and fired.<\/p>\n

 <\/p>\n

BAM! Ben Cartwright shot and hit his target.<\/p>\n

 <\/p>\n

Eden Saunders fell dead on the ground. He was so miserably rotten that he didn\u2019t even apologize to his mother for his homicidal behavior before he breathed his last sociopath breath.<\/p>\n

\u201cOoops!\u201d said his mother.<\/p>\n

 <\/p>\n

Despite the fact that Ben had to kill Eden to save Ben’s lady, Katherine Saunders (who was Eden’s mom), Ben knew that that it was very unlikely that there would be a wedding.<\/p>\n

 <\/p>\n

Chapter Two-Consoling Pa<\/u><\/p>\n

 <\/p>\n

Later that night in front of the blazing hearth…<\/p>\n

“Sorry, Pa,” Adam said. He all too well knew from bitter past broken-hearted experience what it was like to loose a woman he loved. He had a marshmallow peep on the end of Joe\u2019s epee and was making Ben a peep s\u2019more.<\/p>\n

“Sorry, Pa,” Little Joe said when his father told him too…even though Joe was secretly glad not to have to share his Pa with still another brother. Katherine had even suggested putting bunk beds in Joe’s room for Eden and letting Eden have the side of the room with the Indian portrait with the spooky eyes. They wanted to bring in a tacky Ikea dresser for Eden\u2019s collection of glow in the dark Joe Boxer undies, mutilated Barbie dolls and one legged Beany Babies.<\/p>\n

“Garsh, Pa, no wedding?” Hoss frowned. He too had been dumped more times than Hop Sing could count on an abacus.<\/p>\n

 <\/p>\n

\u201cYup\u2026\u201d Ben sighed pulling his lady friend\u2019s snap shot out of his wallet and tossing it into the fire.<\/p>\n

On the other hand, every time Hoss met a new gal in Virginia City, Hoss would say, “Howdy Ma’am. I know you must want to take advantage of my innocent kind nature and are probably really screwed up and will leave me heartbroken and morose. Wanna get hitched?” That technique didn\u2019t quite work out either.<\/p>\n

“No, son. It really doesn’t work out for the best when the groom has killed his future stepson.”<\/p>\n

 <\/p>\n

\u201cAnd was present at the incident that made that woman a widow?\u201d Joe hinted. Adam handed his father the molten peep s\u2019more and Ben gobbled it down in one bite\u2026like a manly cowboy should. Adam tossed the epee across the room where it stuck in the dining room drape.<\/p>\n

\u201cShut up, Joe; you don\u2019t understand,\u201d Adam hollered \u201cYou are just a kid!\u201d<\/p>\n

Joe tossed his graying hair \u201cMe a kid? Get a grip, Adam!\u201d<\/p>\n

Adam got a grip on Joe\u2019s throat and beat him over the head with the coffee table.<\/p>\n

 <\/p>\n

\u201cBoys! Boys! I love you all the same! And Joe, get your head off the table!\u201d<\/p>\n

 <\/p>\n

\u201cYes Pa!\u201d Joe peeled the coffee table off his head.<\/p>\n

 <\/p>\n

Adam and Joe hugged and shook hands. At least they distracted Pa for a nanosecond.<\/p>\n

“No wedding Pa?” Hoss repeated. “No wedding reception neither?”
\n“No, son, no wedding. No party.” Ben felt terrible. He was going to finally have something soft a warm in his bed besides that inflatable gal water bottle that the boys had given him for Father\u2019s Day, 1862.<\/p>\n

“No little pigs in blankets? No mini quiches? No CAKE!?!?” Hoss wept profusely.<\/p>\n

 <\/p>\n

\u201cDinnnah served!\u201d HopSing announced. Hoss immediately stopped crying and went to the table. \u201cRoast pork and mashed potatoes. Mmm mmm!\u201d<\/p>\n

 <\/p>\n

\u201cThink we can get some Caf\u00e9 Vienna Mocha Latte International for after dinner, Hop Sing?\u201d Adam asked as they sat down. He instinctively knew that Pa would want a good cry after dinner while they all watched some sad made-for-TV movie on their not yet invented television that the Cartwrights kept in that little side room off the dining room. It was going to be a doomed romance marathon on the Lifetime\/Cowboy channel\u2026 John Wayne, Melissa Gilbert, and Linda Evans.<\/p>\n

\u201cOOoh Cochise loves coffee!\u201d Joe grinned.<\/p>\n

 <\/p>\n

\u201cCochise?\u201d Hoss said as he made a mashed potato mountain and poured gravy lava over it. \u201cMmmmmmmm. Mount Vesuvius sculpted in edibles,\u201d Hoss smiled. \u201c \u2018Je suis venu, j’ai vu, j’ai conquis, j’ai mang\u00e9. I came, I saw, I ate. J’aime les pommes de terre et la sauce au jus! I love potatoes with gravy\u2019.” Everyone in Virginia City assumed Hoss was just a good hearted dope but he too was classically educated at the Sorbonne. It wasn\u2019t only Adam who had a higher education. He was just the only one who bragged about it. Little Joe had also studied at the Kinsey Institute of Sexual Research\u00a0 where he was the president of his fraternity, Kappa Iota Sigma Sigma.<\/p>\n

\u201cCochise, the Indian, likes coffee?\u201d Ben raised his eyebrow.<\/p>\n

\u201cNo Cochise Cartwright, my darling pinto pony horse,\u201d Joe raised both his eyebrows.<\/p>\n

\u201cCochise, your horse, likes coffee?\u201d Adam asked. He raised both his eye brows and wiggled one ear.<\/p>\n

\u201cUh huh,\u201d Hoss nodded. Not to be out done by his expressive family, he raised both eyebrows, wiggled both ears and stuck out his tongue. \u201cCochise done told me that jest the other night when me and Chub was drinkin\u2018 chablis and reading Villard\u2018s poetry..\u201d<\/p>\n

Chapter 3-Coffee <\/u><\/p>\n

 <\/p>\n

Later, Little Joe went into the barn to sip latte with Cochise after dinner. He couldn\u2019t wait to tell Coochie that Eden would not be his new stepbrother. Dead guys couldn\u2019t be nothing but worm food and not stepbrothers. Eden would never demand that Little Joe to share his horse with him ever again. Or borrow his Dixie Chicks CD or not yet invented blow-dryer . Or sing that awful song, \u201cBen and My mom sitting in a tree, k-i-s-s-i-n-g.\u201d Eden had an awful voice.<\/p>\n

 <\/p>\n

Joe felt terrible that Pa was heart broken, but as Adam said \u201cSo, Pa, am I back as the executor of the will?\u201d<\/p>\n

 <\/p>\n

Things were pretty much back to normal on the Ponderosa.<\/p>\n

 <\/p>\n

The blue dress was hung up in the tack room and the extra chairs in the dining room were put away. No wedding\u2026 so what else was new?<\/p>\n

 <\/p>\n

Little Joe walked into the barn, opening the door with his elbow as his hands were filled with the steaming coffee and almond biscotti. Joe heard voices from inside the barn.<\/p>\n

He heard (or was it “herd”?) a chorus of bovine voices. He almost lost his biscotti when he hear (or was it herd?) Elsie say, “My name is Elsie and I am a nasty, cranky cow!”<\/p>\n

“Hello Elsie!” the rest of the cows mooed. (or was it “mood”?…as in bad mood.).<\/p>\n

Joe realized it was Monday Night…time for either football or “Cow 12 Step Program” on the Ponderosa. Since it was summer, Joe knew football wasn\u2019t on not yet invented TV so it must be the 12 Step night.<\/p>\n

Coochie had already saddled him\/herself up and was ready to ride. \u201cLet\u2019s ride, Little Joe! Can\u2018t stand the cranky cattle.\u201d Coochie swilled down the coffee Little Joe offered and was pumped up by the caffeine. They galloped off into the darkness.<\/p>\n

 <\/p>\n

Chapter 4 – Night Rider<\/u><\/p>\n

 <\/p>\n

They were having such a good time together, caffeinated Cochise and Joe rode all night long stopping only once to use the restroom at the Rusty Truss Saloon and Car Wash and to get a bladder refill at Starbucks. The cowboy and his horse were so attuned to each other\u2019s needs that at one point, Little Joe even galloped carrying Cochise on his back for a few miles so Coochie could get a rest. At some point Joe decided they better get to sleep and pulled Cochise into a convenient trailside motel, the Bates Motel.<\/p>\n

 <\/p>\n

At the check in desk was a lovely and attractive young lady.<\/p>\n

 <\/p>\n

Joe\u2019s heart beat faster. He signed the registry and smiled his most beguiling grin and wiggled his beguiling ASSets.<\/p>\n

 <\/p>\n

\u201cTHGIWTRAC EOJ?\u201d The pretty desk clerk read backwards.<\/p>\n

 <\/p>\n

\u201cNo, Joe Cartwright.\u201d Joe spun the register around to face the girl correctly\u2026.<\/p>\n

 <\/p>\n

\u201dAnd Coochie Cartwright!\u201d Cochise said putting his\/her hoof on the counter. \u201cDo you have a coffee pot in the rooms?\u201d<\/p>\n

Joe elbowed his pinto aside. \u201cGo out and wait in the corral, Coochie.\u201d Joe whispered. He truly was attracted to the pretty desk clerk and didn\u2018t want his horse to interrupt his potential rendezvous with WOWza Whoopee. Adam might like to get in the love groove with a voyeuristic horse nearby, but not Joe.<\/p>\n

 <\/p>\n

\u201cMy Pa told us boys never to go upstairs in a saloon with a saloon gal,\u201d Joe winked.<\/p>\n

 <\/p>\n

\u201cGood thing this is a one story motel, Eoj,\u201d the lovely girl sighed, longingly eyeing his assets. She batted her thick black 1960s false eyelashes at the hunka hunk of burning love cowboy in front of her. \u201cEoj\u201d<\/p>\n

 <\/p>\n

\u201cJoe,\u201d the handsome young Cartwright corrected.<\/p>\n

\u201cNo, my name is Janet, not Joe.\u201d<\/p>\n

\u201cI meant, my name is Joe, not Eoj,\u201d He winked and rolled his shoulders in a Little Joe mating dance. He leaned closer to her and gazed longingly at her and took her hand in his. They were both immediately in love, as per usual.\\<\/p>\n

\u201cJoe, now that Norman Bates has been taken away by Doc Martin and Sheriff Coffee…do you want to take a shower with me?” Janet smiled invitingly as Joe leaned on the counter so close that the formica melted.
\nJoe looked up …and down…and up again at the attractive gal. She was wearing his favorite colored dress…clear. He looked up and down and down and up. “Do you have any Breck Shampoo?”<\/p>\n

\u201cAnd cream rinse too!\u201d Janet Leigh said seductively as she led Little Joe into the Bates Motel bathroom.<\/p>\n

 <\/p>\n

Chapter 5 – Home Sweet Home<\/u><\/p>\n

 <\/p>\n

The next morning Joe galloped back on to the Ponderosa, thinking of the SWELL romantic time he had during the commercial for Chevy Impalas.<\/p>\n

 <\/p>\n

EEEEEEeeeeeeewww\u2026 Joe looked down as he leaped from his horse. “Hey Pa, Coochie smooshed some little animals when I rode into the yard too fast from all the coffee,” Little Joe said holding up some bloody goop.<\/p>\n

“HOW MANY TIMES HAVE I TOLD YOU NOT TO RIDE SO FAST!” Ben roared. REAL Marie, Joe\u2019s mama, had died when she fell off a horse and landed on her lovely, but delicate, cranium. Ben always got nervous when any of his boys rode wildly into the yard. He had planned to use the bodies of all those dead one-time ranch hands to make speed bumps but had not yet gotten to it. The ill-fated romance with dead Eden\u2019s widowed mom had momentarily distracted him from the speed bump project.<\/p>\n

Joe shrugged and playfully tossed the battered ooky mush of the trampled animal at Adam… (cute brother interaction).<\/p>\n

Clutching his head\u2026really his hair\u2026really his toupee, Adam ducked and mass of yuck smacked Hoss full in his full face.<\/p>\n

“WAP!”<\/p>\n

“Mmm…” grinned Hoss. “Better than fromage, er\u2026cheese!!”<\/p>\n

 <\/p>\n

Joe laughed so hard his hat fell off.<\/p>\n

 <\/p>\n

\u201cSon, your hair looks so lustrous and poofy!\u201d Ben smiled. He was proud of his good looking boys.<\/p>\n

 <\/p>\n

\u201cIt is lustrous and bouffant!\u201d Adam added.<\/p>\n

\u201c \u2018Les beaux cheveux sur un cowboy sont tr\u00e8s virils!\u2019 Beautiful hair on a cowboy is very manly!” Hoss exclaimed. Ben smiled proudly at Hoss\u2019s multilingual talents.<\/p>\n

 <\/p>\n

\u201cMust be that new Breck shampoo and cream rinse!\u201d Joe grinned, tiredly shaking his poofy hair gracefully.<\/p>\n

 <\/p>\n

Adam, Hoss and Ben sighed wishing they had lovely hair too.<\/p>\n

Just then Hop Sing rushed out of the kitchen…he had recently resigned to go back to China but Ben wooed him back by promising him a raise and vacation at an elderhostel in Stockton where\u00a0 Eugene Barkley was teaching Fung Shui “Breakfast Served! Cartwrights bettah eat or I go back to China!”<\/p>\n

They all laughed and patted each other\u2019s shoulders and walked inside.<\/p>\n

 <\/p>\n

*****End****<\/p>\n

 <\/p>\n

Tags: Adam Cartwright, Ben Cartwright, Hoss Cartwright, Joe \/ Little Joe Cartwright<\/p>\n

<\/div>\n

<\/g><\/svg><\/i> \"Loading\"<\/p>\n

<\/div>\n","protected":false},"excerpt":{"rendered":"

Summary: \u00a0Even my own stories aren’t safe from a REALLY Lost Episode story. \u00a0Inspired by A Modern Cartwrights Story 4 – Remnants of the Past.<\/p>\n

Rating: \u00a0T \u00a0(2,625 words)<\/p>\n","protected":false},"author":44,"featured_media":14367,"comment_status":"open","ping_status":"open","sticky":false,"template":"template-full-width-post.php","format":"standard","meta":{"jetpack_post_was_ever_published":false,"_jetpack_newsletter_access":"","_jetpack_dont_email_post_to_subs":false,"_jetpack_newsletter_tier_id":0,"_jetpack_memberships_contains_paywalled_content":false,"_jetpack_memberships_contains_paid_content":false,"footnotes":""},"categories":[23,4],"tags":[],"class_list":["post-14377","post","type-post","status-publish","format-standard","has-post-thumbnail","hentry","category-drama","category-humor","wpcat-23-id","wpcat-4-id"],"a3_pvc":{"activated":true,"total_views":876,"today_views":0},"jetpack_featured_media_url":"https:\/\/i0.wp.com\/bonanzabrand.info\/library\/wp-content\/uploads\/2017\/06\/ARLE-e1497282889671.png?fit=570%2C416&ssl=1","jetpack_likes_enabled":true,"jetpack-related-posts":[{"id":15525,"url":"https:\/\/bonanzabrand.info\/library\/?p=15525","url_meta":{"origin":14377,"position":0},"title":"Ben Raised His Boys RIGHT (by Robin)","author":"profrobinw","date":"December 4, 2001","format":false,"excerpt":"Summary: The trials of a Cartwight father. 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Rating: \u00a0T \u00a0(1,110 words)","rel":"","context":"In "Crossover"","block_context":{"text":"Crossover","link":"https:\/\/bonanzabrand.info\/library\/?cat=24"},"img":{"alt_text":"","src":"https:\/\/i0.wp.com\/bonanzabrand.info\/library\/wp-content\/uploads\/2017\/06\/ARLE-e1497282889671.png?fit=570%2C416&ssl=1&resize=350%2C200","width":350,"height":200,"srcset":"https:\/\/i0.wp.com\/bonanzabrand.info\/library\/wp-content\/uploads\/2017\/06\/ARLE-e1497282889671.png?fit=570%2C416&ssl=1&resize=350%2C200 1x, https:\/\/i0.wp.com\/bonanzabrand.info\/library\/wp-content\/uploads\/2017\/06\/ARLE-e1497282889671.png?fit=570%2C416&ssl=1&resize=525%2C300 1.5x"},"classes":[]},{"id":417,"url":"https:\/\/bonanzabrand.info\/library\/?p=417","url_meta":{"origin":14377,"position":2},"title":"A Father’s Duty (by JoanS)","author":"JoanS","date":"October 11, 2009","format":false,"excerpt":"A Father's Duty\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0 Three discussions between a father and his sons...\u00a0 Just how did they get so smart... \u00a0\u00a0 Rating \u2013 K -\u00a0Intended for general audience 5 years and older. 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