{"id":14378,"date":"2003-07-01T13:47:39","date_gmt":"2003-07-01T17:47:39","guid":{"rendered":"https:\/\/bonanzabrand.info\/library\/?p=14378"},"modified":"2025-02-27T12:07:51","modified_gmt":"2025-02-27T17:07:51","slug":"camp-fire-tales-by-robin","status":"publish","type":"post","link":"https:\/\/bonanzabrand.info\/library\/?p=14378","title":{"rendered":"Camp Fire Tales (by Robin)"},"content":{"rendered":"

Summary:<\/strong> \u00a0What else is there to do around a camp fire?<\/p>\n

Rating: \u00a0T \u00a0(1,550 words)<\/p>\n

Author’s Note:<\/strong> \u00a0The REALLY Losts are satires of the series written with much affection, eye rolling,\u00a0\u00a0and winks. \u00a0And can be somewhat risque’.<\/em><\/p>\n

 <\/p>\n

Camp Fire Tales
\nA REALLY Lost Episode<\/strong><\/p>\n

It had been a long day on the Ponderosa for the four Cartwrights. They were camping out under the starry sky.<\/p>\n

“That reminds me of a tale that Great Grand daddy Cartwright told us,” Cattle Baron Ben said as he took the overflowing tin dish of garbanzo beans souffl\u00e9 Joe handed him. He was trying one of the recipes he got from Emeril, a man who mysteriously knew REAL Marie in New Orleans.<\/p>\n

\u201cA tale from Great Grand daddy Cartwright?\u201d Hoss said as he helped himself to a crispy baguette. Little Joe sure could do wonders with beans and hard tack when that boy put his mind to it.<\/p>\n

“Tell us Pa!” Adam loved to hear Great Grand daddy-tales.<\/p>\n

Joe climbed on his father\u2019s lap and snuggled even though he was almost a grown man. \u201cWatch those pointy boots, son. Don\u2019t want your old Pa, singing soprano now do you son?\u201c Ben warned as Little Joe settled into a comfortable position.<\/p>\n

Joe loved to hear stories and get cozy on Pa\u2019s massive lap. Just last night all the boys snuggled up around the campfire, leaned on their saddles while Ben read them a chapter from the latest Harry Potter book Harry Potter and the Magical Mythical Horseshoe Chamber Pot and the Horse Shoe Shaped Tush<\/em>, \u00a0Adam had brought the new book all the way from Ye Olde Book Nook in the Virginia City Mall. He had started reading it on the way home when one of the Joads shot him. The bullet lodged in the Harry Potter book saving Adam from death or worse.<\/p>\n

“Tell us Great Grand daddy\u2019s story!” All the boys begged.\u201d Please Pa!!! Please!\u201d<\/p>\n

Ben hefted his tin cup took a sip of his coffee and started “It was spring in the old west\u2026. Or new west as Great Grand daddy would say as it was new then but old now..\u201c<\/p>\n

\u201cQuite a paradox,\u201c Adam observed.<\/p>\n

\u201cA pair of ducks?\u201c Hoss asked. \u201cWhy not a pair of chickens?\u201c<\/p>\n

\u201cA pair of fried chickens, big brother,\u201c Joe teased.<\/p>\n

\u201cI said PARADOX!\u201d Adam shouted.<\/p>\n

\u201cOh like two doctors? Doc Martin and Doc Adams?\u201d Joe asked.<\/p>\n

Adam had once been shot visiting Miss Kitty in the Long Branch saloon, and Doc Adams yanked the bullet out of his armpit. But that is another story. The rash he had was another story too. Adam swore Joe to secrecy and gave him a free pass to the Virginia City Little Theatre production of \u201cFantastiks\u201d where Adam was playing El Gallo and promised to introduce Joe to the gal playing \u201cTHE GIRL\u201c.<\/p>\n

\u201cA pair of DOCS?\u201d Hoss repeated.<\/p>\n

\u201cOr Doctor Hawkeye Pierce and Doctor Trapper John?\u201d Ben asked. \u201cThey are a pair.\u201d<\/p>\n

\u201cTrapper John? Who the heck is that?\u201d Adam asked scratching himself where his chaps had chafed his rash. He would have to remember to rub some powder on that rash later on. Unfortunately all he had was gunpowder and that could be dangerous if he sat too close to the campfire.<\/p>\n

\u201cTrapper John? Must be a couple of Pa\u2019s long lost pals from his sailing – army- whaling- fur trading – Indian fighting-newscasting days,\u201d Hoss suggested. He grinned as it wasn\u2019t often he knew something Adam didn\u2019t know. Before he owned the Ponderosa, Pa had even narrated some hygiene films that Joe found online and had played semi-pro lacrosse.<\/p>\n

\u201cShush, Pa is telling a tale!\u201c Joe reminded the others. He snuggled close to his Pa. \u201cDid your pal have a daughter Pa?\u201d<\/p>\n

Ben shook his head and continued, \u201cThe cowboy rode the still snow choked trails looking for naugas that survived the winter. He also was going to fish for gefiltes as Passover was just around the corner and the sushi market was paying a good price for prime fishies. As the cowboy’s horse went around the narrow trail, it came upon a rattlesnake warming itself in the spring sunshine. The horse reared and the cowboy drew his six-gun to shoot the miserable snake.\u201d<\/p>\n

\u201cOH WOW!\u201d all the boys exclaimed. The loved gross stories of shot snakes guts almost as gross stories with exploded lizards or burning spiders.<\/p>\n

“Hold on there, partner,” said the snake, “don’t shoot, I’m an enchanted rattlesnake, and if you don’t shoot me, I’ll give you any three wishes you want.”<\/p>\n

\u201cTHREE WISHES!\u201d Adam, Hoss and Little Joe said in unison. \u201cWe would wish for three GIRLS!!!\u201d<\/p>\n

\u201cAhem\u2026\u201d Ben cleared his throat. \u201cMay I go on with the story?\u201d<\/p>\n

\u201cYes, sir!\u201d Adam said. He had good manners.<\/p>\n

\u201cYes sir!\u201d Hoss said. He too had good manners.<\/p>\n

\u201cCan I keep all three girls?\u201d Joe said. He had good manners but he loved girls. He hated to see any living females go to waste. If his brothers were going to decline their share, Little Joe would scoop them all up.<\/p>\n

\u201cGo on Pa. Finish the story,\u201d Adam asked.<\/p>\n

\u201cFirst dibs on the girls,\u201d Joe reminded his brothers.<\/p>\n

\u201cHush up, Little Joe!\u201d Hoss said. \u201cPa is telling us a bed time tale.\u201d<\/p>\n

Ben continued, \u201c The cowboy decided to take a chance. He knew he was safely out of the snake’s striking range. He said, “OK, first, I’d like to have a face like Adonis, then, I’d like a build like Hercules or Arnold Schwarzenegger, the Terminator\u2026 and finally, I’d like sexual equipment like this here horse I’m riding.”<\/p>\n

\u201cOH WOW!!!\u201d all three boys elbowed each other. \u201c Hooo hA!\u201d<\/p>\n

\u201cBet Miss Kitty would be happy about that, huh Adam?\u201d Joe said.<\/p>\n

Adam jammed a cow pie in Joe\u2019s mouth. \u201cHush up, Little Brother! Have some dessert.\u201d<\/p>\n

\u201cThe rattlesnake said, “All right, when you get back to the bunk house you’ll have all three wishes.”<\/p>\n

The cowboy turned his horse around and galloped at full speed all the way to the bunkhouse. He dismounted on the run and went straight inside to the mirror. Staring back at him in the mirror was the face of Adonis, the handsomest Greek God. He ripped the shirt off his back and revealed bulging, rippling muscles, just like Hercules. Really excited now, he tore down his jeans, looked at his crotch and shouted…”Oh My God… I was riding the GELDING.<\/p>\n

\u201cGood tale Pa!!\u201d all the boys chorused. They had all learned not to trust magic snakes and always know if they were riding a gelding.<\/p>\n

\u201cNow you boys should turn in. We have a big day tomorrow,\u201d Ben said as he plopped marshmallows into each boy\u2019s mug of cocoa.<\/p>\n

\u201cToo bad we are plum out of peeps!\u201d Hoss sighed.<\/p>\n

\u201cYep nothing like a pair of yellow peeps a floatin\u2019 in your cocoa!\u201d Ben sighed. \u201cLife can\u2019t get much better than that.\u201d<\/p>\n

All the boys looked at each other and silently decided that Pa needed to meet Miss Kitty.<\/p>\n

“Pa tell us again about that crocodile that et Abel Stoddard’s hand…” Hoss pleaded. He wasn\u2019t ready to go to sleep yet.<\/p>\n

“It wasn’t my grandfather!” Adam reminded his chubby brother. He slurped the cocoa.<\/p>\n

“It was that rat guy who came along with the phony Gilly Maples that time when Adam ran away from home not realizing there is no place like home,” Joe declared. \u201cRemember that Adam. There is no place like HOME!\u201d<\/p>\n

“The one with the peg leg hand who poked the hole in the front door trying to give Pa a poke in the puss?” Hoss asked. \u201cWe had to go all the way to Home Depot in Carson City to get a new door.\u201d<\/p>\n

\u201cOne and the same, \u201cBen nodded. \u201cThe fellow with the bridge table leg for a hand that the phony Gilly got killed by.\u201d The sentence was completely ungrammatical but the boys got the idea.<\/p>\n

\u201cInstead of you darling Pa!\u201d The boys said thankfully. They were glad the phoney Gilly died and not Pa.<\/p>\n

\u201cI\u2019m still hungry,\u201d said Hoss. \u201cThinking about Pa almost biting the dust made me hungry.\u201d<\/p>\n

\u201cWish I had some dessert,\u201d Joe said from his bedroll.<\/p>\n

\u201cSome pie or cake or Twinkies.\u201d Hoss sighed.<\/p>\n

\u201cI\u2019ve been thinking,\u201d Adam started.<\/p>\n

\u201cThat\u2019s always dangerous, har har,\u201d Hoss and Joe laughed.<\/p>\n

\u201cHush up boys. I didn\u2019t take a home equity loan on the Ponderosa to pay for Adam\u2019s education at Unnamed U back east for him not to think. What are you thinking about, son? Dead girlfriends?\u201d<\/p>\n

\u201cNo, Pa. Humanitarian thoughts.\u201d<\/p>\n

\u201cThat\u2019s my boy!\u201d Ben smiled proudly in the dark. He had raised his boys to be generous and kind and decent to all people and animals except for nasty snakes they met along the road. .\u201dWhat brilliant thoughts were you thinking about humanitarians, Adam?\u201d<\/p>\n

\u201cWell Pa, if a vegetarian eats vegetables, what does a humanitarian eat? And if chocolate cookies are made from chocolate what are Girl Scout cookies made from?\u201d<\/p>\n

\u201cHmm sounds like a tasty morsel to me.\u201d Little Joe sighed. He wondered if there was possibly a Girl Scout camp somewhere near. He just loved green uniforms on pretty girls. He rolled over and hoped he had a hot torrid dream about helping those girl scouts earn their anatomy badges rather than nightmares about falling off Eagle\u2019s nest.<\/p>\n

\u201cGo to sleep boys. Tomorrow is a big day for us,\u201d Ben directed as he rolled over and pulled his satin duvet bedroll over his head.<\/p>\n

 <\/p>\n

THE END
\nJULY 2003<\/p>\n

 <\/p>\n

 <\/p>\n

<\/div>\n

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<\/div>\n","protected":false},"excerpt":{"rendered":"

Summary: \u00a0What else is there to do around a camp fire?<\/p>\n

Rating: \u00a0T \u00a0(1,550 words)<\/p>\n","protected":false},"author":44,"featured_media":14367,"comment_status":"open","ping_status":"open","sticky":false,"template":"template-full-width-post.php","format":"standard","meta":{"jetpack_post_was_ever_published":false,"_jetpack_newsletter_access":"","_jetpack_dont_email_post_to_subs":false,"_jetpack_newsletter_tier_id":0,"_jetpack_memberships_contains_paywalled_content":false,"_jetpack_memberships_contains_paid_content":false,"footnotes":""},"categories":[24,4],"tags":[14,15,17,16],"class_list":["post-14378","post","type-post","status-publish","format-standard","has-post-thumbnail","hentry","category-crossover","category-humor","tag-adam-cartwright","tag-ben","tag-hoss","tag-joe","wpcat-24-id","wpcat-4-id"],"a3_pvc":{"activated":true,"total_views":607,"today_views":0},"jetpack_featured_media_url":"https:\/\/i0.wp.com\/bonanzabrand.info\/library\/wp-content\/uploads\/2017\/06\/ARLE-e1497282889671.png?fit=570%2C416&ssl=1","jetpack_likes_enabled":true,"jetpack-related-posts":[{"id":11839,"url":"https:\/\/bonanzabrand.info\/library\/?p=11839","url_meta":{"origin":14378,"position":0},"title":"Do as I Say (by frasrgrl)","author":"frasrgrl","date":"September 30, 2015","format":false,"excerpt":"Summary:\u00a0 Ben has always tried to teach by example, tried to get it through to his sons how he expects them to act. 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Rating:\u00a0 T\u00a0 (1,225 words)","rel":"","context":"In "Humor"","block_context":{"text":"Humor","link":"https:\/\/bonanzabrand.info\/library\/?cat=4"},"img":{"alt_text":"","src":"https:\/\/i0.wp.com\/bonanzabrand.info\/library\/wp-content\/uploads\/2017\/06\/ARLE-e1497282889671.png?fit=570%2C416&ssl=1&resize=350%2C200","width":350,"height":200,"srcset":"https:\/\/i0.wp.com\/bonanzabrand.info\/library\/wp-content\/uploads\/2017\/06\/ARLE-e1497282889671.png?fit=570%2C416&ssl=1&resize=350%2C200 1x, https:\/\/i0.wp.com\/bonanzabrand.info\/library\/wp-content\/uploads\/2017\/06\/ARLE-e1497282889671.png?fit=570%2C416&ssl=1&resize=525%2C300 1.5x"},"classes":[]},{"id":14355,"url":"https:\/\/bonanzabrand.info\/library\/?p=14355","url_meta":{"origin":14378,"position":2},"title":"Cartwrights Forever (by JC)","author":"JC","date":"June 2, 2017","format":false,"excerpt":"Summary: A tribute in rhyme for everyone who loves the Cartwrights, especially those who love to write about them. 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