{"id":14388,"date":"2000-01-12T11:03:06","date_gmt":"2000-01-12T16:03:06","guid":{"rendered":"https:\/\/bonanzabrand.info\/library\/?p=14388"},"modified":"2025-02-27T12:04:12","modified_gmt":"2025-02-27T17:04:12","slug":"my-sons-my-sons-my-sons-by-robin","status":"publish","type":"post","link":"https:\/\/bonanzabrand.info\/library\/?p=14388","title":{"rendered":"My Sons, My Sons, My Sons (by Robin)"},"content":{"rendered":"

Summary:<\/strong>\u00a0\u00a0<\/strong>And a Partridge on the Ponderosa.<\/p>\n

Rating: \u00a0T \u00a0(2,900 words)<\/p>\n

Author’s Note:<\/strong> \u00a0The REALLY Losts are satires of the series written with much affection, eye rolling,\u00a0\u00a0and winks. \u00a0And can be somewhat risque’.<\/em><\/p>\n

 <\/p>\n

My Sons, My Sons, My Sons
\nA REALLY Lost Episode
\n<\/strong><\/p>\n

With commentary by international Bonanza aficionado and expert, Prof. F. Sheets<\/em><\/p>\n

\u00a0<\/strong><\/p>\n

\u201cPa, Pa, come quick!\u201d Hoss hollered as he rode into the yard. He had an unconscious body slung across his saddle. The person\u2019s long soft brown hair flowed in the breeze over a fringed, soft white satin outfit. The clothes were tattered and torn and full of blood and shmutz… \u201cWe found this here kid, laying hurt over by North Pasture.\u201d Ben came out and Hoss handed the youngster down to his father.<\/p>\n

 <\/p>\n

Note from Prof. F. Sheets<\/u><\/em>: This was not a real person. If you look closely, you can see this was a dummy. Probably the same dummy that Joe carried dressed as Adam in both \u201cThe Honor of Cochise\u201d and Hoss danced with in \u201cTango on the Ponderosa\u201d.<\/em><\/p>\n

\u201cSet the kid on the settee where we always set people,\u201d Ben said as he settled the unconscious youngster against his shoulder. \u201cYou said you found this youngster unconscious?\u201d<\/p>\n

\u201cYep,\u201d replied Hoss as he followed Ben inside the massive, like himself, front door of the Ponderosa Ranch house. \u201cThe kid was setting battered and covered with dirt. Had a smashed guitar on the ground. Looks hungry too.\u201d Hoss shook his head sympathetically.<\/p>\n

 <\/p>\n

Adam came inside drinking a saucer of coffee. \u201cWho is that setting on the settee?\u201d<\/p>\n

 <\/p>\n

\u201cWho is setting on the settee? Glad you asked, Adam. Hoss found the kid setting under a tree, hurt and schmutzy!\u201d Ben said as he wiped the kid\u2019s brow with a damp dish rag and forced a snifter of brandy down his own throat. \u201cAhhhhhhh!\u201d He poured some for Hoss and then refilled Adam\u2019s saucer. \u201cMmmmmmm, brandy!\u201d<\/p>\n

 <\/p>\n

\u201cPa, think you should offer some brandy to the kid setting on the settee?\u201d Hoss and Adam gestured at the semi comatose figure on the settee. They hoped Pa would say \u201cNope!\u201d and the two brothers could slurp up the cup Hoss had poured. No need letting the brandy go to waste.<\/p>\n

 <\/p>\n

\u201cMmmmama? Danny? Laurie?\u201d The unconscious long-haired satin cloaked figure murmured from the settee.<\/p>\n

 <\/p>\n

\u201cYummy BRANDY!\u201d smiled Adam and Hoss, gargling with the amber liquid.<\/p>\n

\u201cWait a minute, youngster!\u201d Ben smiled as the kid\u2019s hand clutched at his snifter.<\/p>\n

 <\/p>\n

Note from Prof F. Sheets<\/u><\/em>: The director used real brandy in this scene. On the 55th<\/sup> retake, Lorne Greene fell over and banged his head on the horse statue that was setting behind the settee and knocked off one of the legs. Dan Blocker glued it back on with some chewed double mint gum. <\/em><\/p>\n

\u00a0<\/em><\/p>\n

\u201cFirst you need a bath!\u201d Hoss said grinning.<\/p>\n

 <\/p>\n

Adam nodded in agreement. He loved when one of his brothers brought home schmutzy strangers. Sometimes Hoss would drop plastic spiders into the tub while they bathed and sometimes Joe screamed \u201cINDIAN Attack!!!\u201d and the person ran out and would slip on the bar of soap that Adam would leave in the hallway. Once Joe even shot flaming arrows into the bathroom to make the attack seem more real but he set the organdy caf\u00e9 curtains aflame and Pa was pissed enough to send them to bed early and not let them have their Jell-O and Kool Whip.<\/p>\n

 <\/p>\n

Note from Prof. F. Sheets<\/u><\/em>: This was in the season 3 episode \u201cFlaming Caf\u00e9 Curtains\u201d<\/em><\/p>\n

 <\/p>\n

Occasionally, when they were pranking a schmutzy stranger, Adam would lean on the bathroom door just enough so that the door would swing open and he could peep at the lady in the tub and innocently would say, \u201cOoops! I thought you might want some Mr. Bubble or a fresh towel!\u201d and hand them a photo of himself signed \u201cLove ya, Mr. Bubble\u201d and a fluffy towel with the Cartwright monogram on it. Pa hated when they did that but then again, that was how he met Elizabeth, his first wife. And nine months later Adam was born.<\/p>\n

 <\/p>\n

Note from Prof. F. Sheets<\/u><\/em>: This was in the episode in the first season called \u201cEnter Mark Twain\u201d. It was supposed to be \u201cEnter Mr. Bubble\u201d but for some unknown reason, the Mr. Bubble estate would not agree to the authorization of the use of the name.<\/em><\/p>\n

 <\/p>\n

Life was boring on the ranch and they needed to do something entertaining between dead girlfriends and being wrongfully accused of crimes and being sent to bed without supper by Pa when they argued over the last piece of raccoon blueberry pie or would not share their bullets.<\/p>\n

 <\/p>\n

\u201cOK!\u201d the kid said flipping the long lovely hair. \u201cI will bathe and then I get brandy!\u201d<\/p>\n

\u201cPurely for medicinal purposes,\u201d Ben said firmly.<\/p>\n

 <\/p>\n

Note from Prof. F. Sheets:<\/u><\/em> NBC censors insisted that brandy could not be given to more than four people in each episode unless it was for medicinal purposes. That is why in season 12, Doc Martin opened an outpatient clinic in the Rusty Bucket Saloon.<\/em><\/p>\n

 <\/p>\n

\u201cAnd some Mr. Bubble!\u201d Adam winked suggestively. He ran upstairs and put on a new black shirt and flossed his teeth with a piece of rawhide. (It was the old west.)<\/p>\n

 <\/p>\n

Meanwhile, Little Joe was riding over the hill to visit the new neighbors who had bought the next-door ranch. His old girlfriend Amy Bishop had once lived there. Joe and Amy were really in love that week. She died (what a surprise!!) when guest star James Coburn (that evil devil) tossed a pitchfork at Joe during a fight in the barn. Joe ducked. Amy didn\u2019t and the rest is shish kabob history.<\/p>\n

 <\/p>\n

Little Joe REALLY hoped the new neighbors had removed Amy\u2019s putrefied remains from where they were pinned on the barn wall for the last three years next to the harnesses, ropes and badminton set that no one had purchased at the Bishop\u2019s garage sale before they moved to Boca Raton Florida, home of the early bird special.<\/p>\n

 <\/p>\n

Note from Prof. F. Sheets:<\/u><\/em> This was in the episode \u201cThe Truckee Strip\u201d. PAX never shows the emotional garage sale scene.<\/em><\/p>\n

Joe was hoping a new pretty gal had moved in, and then he could move in before his brothers moved in and before the girl died or left town. He even wore his fresh green corduroy jacket that made his eyes glimmer in the dark.<\/p>\n

 <\/p>\n

As he rode Cochise 17 (the one with the waggly tail) over the ridge at a break neck speed, he spied a lovely, slender raven-haired girl standing innocently but suggestively on the porch. (And that isn\u2019t easy)<\/p>\n

 <\/p>\n

Joe grinned. \u201cWOWza!! Looks like a pretty raven haired girl will be smooching with me by the next commercial and dead by dawn and\/or going \u2018back east\u2019!!\u201d<\/p>\n

 <\/p>\n

The pretty girl smiled and winked at Joe. \u201cHowdy, stranger. Boy! Am I in love with you!!! My name is Laurie!!\u201d She leaped into Joe\u2019s arms and off they rode. He drove Cochise one handed, as his other hand was busy with pretty Laurie.<\/p>\n

 <\/p>\n

\u201cI think I love you!\u201d Joe sang as they rode off past the new neighbor\u2019s flower painted wagon. Joe thought the van\u2026er\u2026wagon looked sort of kinda familiar. Maybe because it looked like a gypsy wagon his former fianc\u00e9e Tirza, the spastic gypsy, had before she split for the gypsy convention in Hoboken, New Jersey.<\/p>\n

 <\/p>\n

Note from Prof. F. Sheets:<\/u><\/em> This was in the irrationally moronic episode \u201cDark Star\u201d. Need I say more?<\/em><\/p>\n

 <\/p>\n

\u201cMy brother Keith sings that song with our family musical group,\u201d Laurie commented has she nibbled Joe\u2019s adorable ear lobe.<\/p>\n

 <\/p>\n

Note from Prof. F. Sheets:<\/u><\/em> Michael Landon refused to let a stunt double do the earlobe nibbling.<\/em><\/p>\n

 <\/p>\n

\u201cYou have a family music group?\u201d Joe growled has he played with Laurie\u2019s tambourine.<\/p>\n

 <\/p>\n

\u201cYes, my widowed Mama and my little sister and three brothers. I play lead tambourine.\u201d<\/p>\n

\u201dAnd what a tambourine it is!\u201d Joe exclaimed as the waves of Lake Tahoe crashed on the shores.<\/p>\n

 <\/p>\n

Later\u2026.<\/p>\n

 <\/p>\n

\u201cPAAAAAAAAAAA!\u201d Adam shrieked melodically with a mellifluous baritone.<\/p>\n

 <\/p>\n

Ben and Hoss rushed up the stairs with guns drawn. \u201cWhat is wrong?\u201d<\/p>\n

 <\/p>\n

\u201cI went to bring some fresh monogrammed towels to the stranger in the tub and \u2026 and\u2026the schmutzy stranger is\u2026is\u2026\u201d<\/p>\n

\u201dDrowned?\u201d Hoss asked. He hated the idea that he may have to carry another dead guest down the stairs but Adam\u2019s back bothered him and Pa wasn\u2019t getting any younger.<\/p>\n

 <\/p>\n

\u201cNo!\u2026worse,\u201d Adam gasped.<\/p>\n

 <\/p>\n

\u201cWhat is worse than drowned?\u201d Ben asked, crossing his arms across his cattle baron chest. He never thought being a single father would be so difficult but then again, each time he tried to get his sons put in foster care or sent them to Fresh Air Fund camp, or the Quaker Wagon Train Teen tour, they found their way back to the Ponderosa. Even when he hired wolves and bushwhackers and Apaches to snag them, Ben never got a break to have a free weekend. Ever. It sure put a crimp in his private dinners upstairs in the saloons.<\/p>\n

 <\/p>\n

That was worse than drowned.<\/p>\n

 <\/p>\n

\u201cPa the schmutzy stranger is a BOY with sissy hair!\u201d Adam exclaimed.<\/p>\n

 <\/p>\n

\u201cA gol darn boy! I thunk I was bringing home a filly!\u201d<\/p>\n

Ben shook his head in disgust. He had second thoughts about all the times he forbid his boys from fraternizing with saloon gals. He would have to have Joseph give his brothers that little talk again and lend him the inflatable friendly cowgirl figurine that Roy Coffee had given Pa for his birthday.<\/p>\n

 <\/p>\n

\u201cYou mean the kid that was setting on the settee was a boy, not a gal?\u201d Hoss shook his head.<\/p>\n

 <\/p>\n

\u201cYup,\u201d Adam shook his head disappointedly.<\/p>\n

 <\/p>\n

All Ben could think of was the years of expensive college tuition he had paid for that succinct remark. Adam was supposed to be the SMART son. Ben Cartwright started to mentally enumerate. Adam drinks from saucers. Adam can\u2019t tell boys from girls. Adam is pushing forty and lives at home wearing black and playing his guitar and being sullen and cynical. No wonder Ben had white hair.<\/p>\n

 <\/p>\n

Boy, was Ben glad he didn\u2019t spend money for college for the other two.<\/p>\n

 <\/p>\n

\u201cWho are you, boy?\u201d Ben asked, praying that he wasn\u2019t another damn relative like Muley or Will or Clay or Mary Ingalls or the Alpo dog. Maybe he was Roy Coffee\u2019s love child, like Candy.<\/p>\n

 <\/p>\n

Note from Prof. F. Sheets:<\/u><\/em> Some analysts claim Roy Coffee was Candy\u2019s father; others say it was Doc Martin. Others claim Marshall Dillon. <\/em><\/p>\n

 <\/p>\n

\u201cKeith,\u201d the sissy boy said as he rinsed the cr\u00e8me rinse from his hair and put his puka shell necklace back on his slender sissy neck. He tucked his Hucka poo shirt into his bell-bottoms and smiled sweetly. \u201cHate to bother you cowboys, but do you have a blow dryer?\u201d<\/p>\n

 <\/p>\n

Suddenly there was a loud knock at the door.<\/p>\n

 <\/p>\n

KNOCK KNOCK CKNOOOKKKK!!<\/p>\n

 <\/p>\n

\u201cYoooo hoooo!\u201d a lovely voice called. \u201cIs anyone home?\u201d<\/p>\n

\u201dLeprechauns!\u201d Hoss grinned and slid down the banister. He hit the newel post, shot up in the air and fell in a heap near the fireplace.<\/p>\n

 <\/p>\n

\u201cNo you dumb ass! It is Joe pretending that he is a leprechaun! Joe is fooling you, Hoss!\u201d Adam said cynically and slid down the banister behind his husky brother. He too hit the newel post and shot up in the air. He landed on top of Hoss\u2019s chubby stomach.<\/p>\n

\u201dOooof!\u201d gasped Hoss. An apple shot out of his mouth and commingled with the other apples in the permanent fruit bowl on the coffee table.<\/p>\n

 <\/p>\n

Note from Prof. F. Sheets:<\/u><\/em> This was an accident. Dan Blocker was not supposed to have eaten when he did that scene but the director left the apple burp in.<\/em><\/p>\n

 <\/p>\n

\u201cIt is a woman at the door!\u201d growled Ben as he clattered down the stairs. \u201cSometimes your education gets in the way of your thinking!\u201d he ordered, pointed his index finger at Adam. \u201cAnd you! Go empty that bath tub!\u201d Ben shouted at Hoss. \u201cAnd don\u2019t loose that rubber duck again.\u201d<\/p>\n

\u201dCaint\u2019 Adam do that?\u201d<\/p>\n

\u201dYou know he has a bad back! That is why you always go down the banister first so you can make a cushy landing spot for him.\u201d<\/p>\n

Hoss nodded obediently.<\/p>\n

 <\/p>\n

The sissy boy Keith shouted from upstairs \u201cCowboys, don\u2019t you guys have a blow dryer? My hair is going to get all frizzed.\u201d<\/p>\n

 <\/p>\n

\u201cAdam! Take care of the kid. Bring him out to the barn and let the bull snort on his head.\u201d<\/p>\n

\u201dYes sir!\u201d Adam said cynically. \u201cIf we had a windmill\u2026\u201d<\/p>\n

\u201dShut up all ready about the damn windmills!\u201d Ben growled as he flung open the door.<\/p>\n

Standing there was an attractive woman with thick false eyelashes and poofy blonde hair. She was wearing a long tight black velvet vest and a white ruffled blouse with full sleeves. \u201cHello, I am your new neighbor. I just bought the old Bishop ranch. You know the one with the dried out girl tacked up in the barn with the pitch fork?\u201d<\/p>\n

Ben stared at the attractive woman at his door. \u201cWOWZa! Shirley?\u201d<\/p>\n

\u201dBen?\u201d<\/p>\n

\u201dShirley?\u201d<\/p>\n

 <\/p>\n

\u201cBen?\u201d<\/p>\n

\u201dShirley Bigelow?\u201d Ben embraced the beautiful woman who he had once loved long, long, long ago. She had left him for a carousel barker — Billy Bigelow — and Ben went off to sea to mend his broken heart and hunt for whales and gefilte fish and mermaids.<\/p>\n

\u201dShirley Curly Bigelow Partridge! Before Billy, I lived in Oklahoma\u2026then I married Nameless Partridge. He died.\u201d<\/p>\n

 <\/p>\n

Note from Prof. F. Sheets<\/u><\/em>: In the episode \u201cThe Guilty\u201d, Ben is blamed by Lem Partridge for the death of his son in a gunfight with Jack Groat. Lem Partridge was the brother of Nameless Partridge who was married to Shirley.<\/em><\/p>\n

\u201dElizabeth, Inger and Marie died too. I have three sons.\u201d Ben hugged her again. She hugged him back. He hugged her again. He longed for more. It had been a Looooooongg time.<\/p>\n

 <\/p>\n

\u201cThree sons? How marvy! Mike, Robbie and Chip?\u201d<\/p>\n

Ben shook his head.<\/p>\n

\u201dHarpo, Chico and Groucho?\u201d She guessed again.<\/p>\n

 <\/p>\n

\u201cNo, Adam, Hoss, and Little Joe,\u201d Ben said proudly.<\/p>\n

 <\/p>\n

\u201cLike on Bonanza?\u201d Shirley said.<\/p>\n

 <\/p>\n

\u201cErrr, this is Bonanza.\u201d Ben said winking.<\/p>\n

 <\/p>\n

\u201cOh tee hee\u2026 I was hoping you might have found my kids\u2026 a boy and a girl.\u201d<\/p>\n

\u201dKaren and Richard Carpenter?\u201d<\/p>\n

She shook her head.<\/p>\n

 <\/p>\n

\u201cBud and Princess?\u201d<\/p>\n

\u201dNope\u2026 guess again\u2026They are musical.\u201d Shirley hinted batting her thick eyelashes.<\/p>\n

 <\/p>\n

\u201cLaverne and Shirley?\u201d Ben struggled.<\/p>\n

 <\/p>\n

\u201cKeith and Laurie\u2026 my other kids are in the wagon. We have a gig at the Silver Dollar and Keith disappeared with one of those Brady girls.\u201d<\/p>\n

\u201dFrom the Nine Square Bee Ranch?\u201d Ben asked. \u201cHop Sing and Alice do carpool together.\u201d<\/p>\n

\u201dYes that\u2019s the one. And Laurie, my beautiful but anorexic daughter also disappeared.\u201d<\/p>\n

 <\/p>\n

\u201cMMMMaaaamma!\u201d Keith squealed from the top of the stairs. He slid down the banister, hit the newel post and flew high in the air. He landed on Hoss.<\/p>\n

 <\/p>\n

\u201cOooof! Gol durn sissy boy!\u201d Hoss grunted.<\/p>\n

 <\/p>\n

\u201cHad you been emptying that tub like I asked you, you wouldn\u2019t have been still laying there!\u201d Ben reprimanded Hoss.<\/p>\n

 <\/p>\n

\u201cBut the little sissy boy would have been hurt, Pa, had he fallen on the hard wooden floor,\u201d Adam stood up for Hoss.<\/p>\n

 <\/p>\n

\u201cThat is true, Ben. I wouldn\u2019t want my sissy boy\u2026.errrr Keith to hurt his delicate, adorable derriere!\u201d Shirley smiled sweetly.<\/p>\n

 <\/p>\n

The door flew open and Joe walked in the house \u201cBut I bet his butt isn\u2019t as cute as my butt!\u201d Joe wiggled his bottom at Shirley as he kissed Laurie who was wearing a blue dress.<\/p>\n

 <\/p>\n

\u201cNo, indeed it isn\u2019t\u2026but Keith has pretty hair!\u201d<\/p>\n

\u201dSo does our Little Joe!\u201d Adam quickly defended his kid brother. \u201cAnd he doesn\u2019t need any fancy cr\u00e8me rinse or not yet invented electronic apparatus or bull breath for his coiffure.\u201d<\/p>\n

 <\/p>\n

\u201cMama! Little Joe and I are engaged!\u201d Laurie smiled holding up a 78-carat cubic zirconium ring that Joe had bought for her with a box of Cracker Jacks.<\/p>\n

 <\/p>\n

\u201cSounds good to me,\u201d Ben shrugged. If this engagement mirrored any of the others his boys had, there was no need to prepare a guest list.<\/p>\n

 <\/p>\n

\u201cAnd I am engaged to Marcia Brady!\u201d Keith grinned.<\/p>\n

 <\/p>\n

\u201cMarcia?\u201d Adam asked cynically. He was really partial to Jan, the second sister. She could quote Shakespeare and sing madrigals and was cynical and bitter.<\/p>\n

\u201dMarcia!\u201d Joe gasped realizing he had also given Marcia a cubic zirconium ring. Or was it Cindy. One blonde Brady was a good as another in the hay loft\u2026.unless it was Mrs. Brady and that was more than any one Cartwright could really handle.<\/p>\n

\u201dMarcia.\u201d Hoss sighed at the memory of her love beads and mini skirts. She was more abusive to him than the Widow Layton or Ragan Miller.<\/p>\n

 <\/p>\n

\u201cAnd I will be needing a best man. Any of you cowboys want to do me the honor?\u201d Keith smiled vapidly flicking his poofy sissy boy hair.<\/p>\n

 <\/p>\n

\u201cOOOOoooo Pick me!\u201d Adam raised his hand.<\/p>\n

 <\/p>\n

\u201cMe! Me! Me!\u201d Hoss shove him aside.<\/p>\n

 <\/p>\n

\u201cI will look adorable in the pictures. Pick me!!!\u201d Joe elbowed his brothers aside.<\/p>\n

 <\/p>\n

\u201cBoys, boys!\u201d Ben tried to restore order. \u201cWho the hell cares which one it is that is the best man for Keith!\u201d Ben winked at his sons. \u201cWe all know what will happen.\u201d<\/p>\n

 <\/p>\n

The boys laughed in unison as the Partridges looked vapid.<\/p>\n

The three Cartwright brothers snickered knowing the Cartwright Love Object Curse was the only on stronger than the Cartwright Best Man Curse.<\/p>\n

 <\/p>\n

\u201cGuess we will be getting new neighbors next episode,\u201d Adam laughed as the rest of the family nodded in agreement.<\/p>\n

\u201dThat boy is not as stupid as I figured,\u201d thought Ben, hoping to snuggle up a bit with Shirley Curly Bigelow Partridge before she died and\/or left town.<\/p>\n

 <\/p>\n

*****End*****<\/p>\n

 <\/p>\n

Tags: Adam Cartwright, Ben Cartwright, Hoss Cartwright, Joe \/ Little Joe Cartwright<\/p>\n

<\/div>\n

<\/g><\/svg><\/i> \"Loading\"<\/p>\n

<\/div>\n","protected":false},"excerpt":{"rendered":"

Summary:\u00a0\u00a0And a Partridge on the Ponderosa.<\/p>\n

Rating: \u00a0T \u00a0(2,900 words)<\/p>\n","protected":false},"author":44,"featured_media":14367,"comment_status":"open","ping_status":"open","sticky":false,"template":"template-full-width-post.php","format":"standard","meta":{"_jetpack_newsletter_access":"","_jetpack_dont_email_post_to_subs":false,"_jetpack_newsletter_tier_id":0,"_jetpack_memberships_contains_paywalled_content":false,"_jetpack_memberships_contains_paid_content":false,"footnotes":"","jetpack_post_was_ever_published":false},"categories":[24,4],"tags":[],"class_list":["post-14388","post","type-post","status-publish","format-standard","has-post-thumbnail","hentry","category-crossover","category-humor","wpcat-24-id","wpcat-4-id"],"a3_pvc":{"activated":true,"total_views":924,"today_views":0},"jetpack_featured_media_url":"https:\/\/i0.wp.com\/bonanzabrand.info\/library\/wp-content\/uploads\/2017\/06\/ARLE-e1497282889671.png?fit=570%2C416&ssl=1","jetpack_likes_enabled":true,"jetpack-related-posts":[{"id":14394,"url":"https:\/\/bonanzabrand.info\/library\/?p=14394","url_meta":{"origin":14388,"position":0},"title":"The Olympic Inheritance (by Robin)","author":"profrobinw","date":"January 12, 2004","format":false,"excerpt":"Summary: \u00a0Beyond their wildest dreams? \u00a0Well, it happened. 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