{"id":14389,"date":"2000-01-12T11:22:40","date_gmt":"2000-01-12T16:22:40","guid":{"rendered":"https:\/\/bonanzabrand.info\/library\/?p=14389"},"modified":"2025-02-27T12:04:12","modified_gmt":"2025-02-27T17:04:12","slug":"when-the-moon-hits-your-eye-like-a-big-ponderosa-pizza-pie-by-robin","status":"publish","type":"post","link":"https:\/\/bonanzabrand.info\/library\/?p=14389","title":{"rendered":"When the Moon Hits Your Eye Like a Big Ponderosa Pie (by Robin)"},"content":{"rendered":"

Summary: \u00a0<\/strong>Inspired by the famous song sung by Perry Como and Dean Martin.<\/p>\n

Rating: \u00a0T \u00a0(1,500 words)<\/p>\n

Author’s Note:<\/strong> \u00a0The REALLY Losts are satires of the series written with much affection, eye rolling,\u00a0\u00a0and winks. \u00a0And can be somewhat risque’.<\/em><\/p>\n

 <\/p>\n

When the Moon Hits Your Eye Like a Big Ponderosa Pie
\nA REALLY Lost Episode
\n<\/strong><\/p>\n

\u201cWhen the moon hits your eye like a big pizza pie, that’s amore,\u201d Mr. Rossi sang as his wife refilled the guests\u2019 dishes with garlic knots and antipasto. His two cousins, Dino Martin Rossi and Perry Como Rossi joined him.<\/p>\n

 <\/p>\n

\u201cAmore?\u201d asked Little Joe Cartwright. He loved having Sunday dinner with the Rossi\u2019s.<\/p>\n

\u201cAmore means love,\u201d explained Dino Martin Rossi.<\/p>\n

 <\/p>\n

Ben Cartwright added, \u201cI learned Italian during my sailing days from my old friend, Captain Christopher Columbus. I also learned about love as a sailor and spent more than one shore leave looking for love in all the wrong places, looking for love in too many faces\u2026\u201d<\/p>\n

\u201cLove is like a pizza pie,\u201d said Perry Como Rossi in a relaxed voice.<\/p>\n

 <\/p>\n

\u201cSounds good to me,\u201d said Hoss Cartwright. \u201dI sure do love pizza!\u201d<\/p>\n

 <\/p>\n

\u201cLove is like a pizza pie? That is a metaphor!\u201d declared Little Joe who had been studying for his SATs.<\/p>\n

 <\/p>\n

\u201cNo,\u201d Adam corrected. \u201cThat a simile, because the phrase ‘when the moon hits your eye like a big pizza pie\u2019 uses \u2018like\u2019 or \u2018as\u2019.\u201d<\/p>\n

 <\/p>\n

\u201cOh! How about this one? I LIKE pretty girls AS much AS anything in the world, maybe more!\u201d Joe declared literarily. He dug into the baked clams on the antipasto plate.<\/p>\n

 <\/p>\n

Ben ground his teeth and decided to not waste Little Joe\u2019s college fund on tuition and transfer the money into a better purpose. No sense throwing good money after bad. The boy would ride the range and fix fences and be happy about it. Good thing he was charming.<\/p>\n

 <\/p>\n

\u201cYou want some fried calamari?\u201d Lorenzo Rossi passed Adam the heavy platter. \u201cCousin Dino made it.\u201d<\/p>\n

 <\/p>\n

\u201cI sometimes get a broken heart from love and heartburn from calamari or anchovy pizza,\u201d added Adam. He burped and took a swig of his gelusil that he had hidden in his black leather vest.<\/p>\n

 <\/p>\n

Cousin Dino downed his martooni. \u201dBeen there, done that! \u201c<\/p>\n

 <\/p>\n

\u201cEspecially one of Hop Sing\u2019s fried wonton, hot and sour pepperoni pineapple pizzas,\u201d Adam sighed<\/p>\n

 <\/p>\n

\u201cMe too!” nodded Hoss. \u201cMmmm.\u201d<\/p>\n

\u201cMMmmmm!\u201d agreed Ben and Little Joe and Perry Como Rossi.<\/p>\n

 <\/p>\n

\u201cThat broken hearted heartburn can cripple you as bad as seeing Laura Dayton kiss cousin Will Zorro Cartwright and falling off the roof,” said Hoss with a wink.<\/p>\n

\u201cWOMP!\u201d Little Joe slapped his hand on the table shaking all the overflowing dishes. \u00a0\u201cAdam bounced like one of them Acme anvils the coyote heaves at the roadrunner.\u201d<\/p>\n

\u201cNow that\u2019s a simile, little brother,\u201d Hoss said. \u201cUngrammatical, but a simile.\u201d Despite his demeanor, Hoss was the smartest and most educated of the three Cartwright boys having completed his online PhD in English Literature as well as a post doctorate in linguistics. Ben was very proud of his middle boy. He decided to use Little Joe\u2019s college funds for Hoss to go to the Sorbonne.<\/p>\n

 <\/p>\n

\u201cThat was a blessing in disguise,\u201d declared their father who still had nightmares of having Laura Dayton as his daughter-in-law. He shuddered involuntarily. He would add Adam\u2019s bachelor party fund to Hoss\u2019s Sorbonne account too.<\/p>\n

\u201cWhen the world seems to shine like you’ve had too much wine, that’s Amore. Bells will ring ting-a-ling-a-ling, Ting-a-ling-a-ling and you’ll sing Veetabella!\u201d sang Dino Martin Rossi as he poured another round of Vino De Ponderosa in all the glasses. Adam and Hoss tapped out a chiming tune on the water glasses. Perry Como Rossi was so relaxed he started snoring.<\/p>\n

 <\/p>\n

\u201cGood wine!\u201d Ben smiled remembering picking grapes with Joyce Edwards, the original owner of the Rossi vineyards. She had also dated Dino Martin Rossi and had a brief fling with his friend Frank Sinatra in Vegas. Things would never be the same between Ben and Joyce Edwards after that.<\/p>\n

 <\/p>\n

\u201cViva Amore!\u201d shouted all four Cartwrights clinking their wine glasses with the singing Rossi\u2019s and their cousins.<\/p>\n

\u201cHearts will play tip-py-tip-py-tay, Tip-py-tip-py-tay, like a gay Tarantella,\u201d sang Mr. And Mrs. Rossi, Dino and Perry as Lorenzo played his violin.<\/p>\n

 <\/p>\n

\u201cA gay tarantella? What the heck is that?\u201d Joe asked. Hoss jealously eyed Lorenzo\u2019s fiddle. He wished Pa hadn\u2019t made him give up his violin lessons when he joined the math-a-lete team in Virginia City High School. Pa said there wasn\u2019t time for both as well as lacrosse. He could have been Maestro Hoss or at least done duets in Vegas with Liberace.<\/p>\n

 <\/p>\n

\u201cA gay tarantella is a homosexual spider? \u201c Adam translated. He had studied Italian in Back East U. and still had his pocket dictionary in his vest.<\/p>\n

 <\/p>\n

\u201cLike that old circus pal of Pa\u2019s\u2026Borelli?\u201d Hoss said. \u201cThat nasty guy who wanted Little Joe to take the blame for stabbing the guy Borrelli hated.\u201d<\/p>\n

\u201cThat was pretty spidery!\u201d Dino said.<\/p>\n

\u201cBorelli wasn\u2019t gay!\u201d Ben raised his eyebrows. \u201dHe was an acrobat! \u201c<\/p>\n

\u201cAnd he also played the Joker on Batman,\u201d said Perry.<\/p>\n

 <\/p>\n

His boys snickered and poked each other with their elbows.<\/p>\n

 <\/p>\n

\u201cNo, can\u2019t be. Give me that dictionary. When the Great Borelli met me in Venice or Naples or Florence or where ever it was where we met, he didn\u2019t say that,\u201d Ben said.<\/p>\n

\u201cDidn\u2019t he wear lipstick and have funny silk long johns and live with his SISTER?\u201d Adam put two and two together and they weren\u2019t adding up.<\/p>\n

 <\/p>\n

\u201cHe never married\u2026.\u201d Ben started. \u201cThat is why Borrelli lived with his sister who looked like the aunt of that girl in the \u201cSpanish Land Grant\u201d.<\/p>\n

 <\/p>\n

\u201cShe looked like Yoda,\u201d said Adam.<\/p>\n

\u201cPa, the guy wore lipstick and never married and lived with his sister,\u201d Hoss pointed out.<\/p>\n

 <\/p>\n

\u201cHe had 17 trunks of those delicate, soft Italian leather clown shoes and lots of color coordinated silk underwear and wanted Hop Sing to put scented candles and a bowl of potpourri in his room.\u201d Adam argued.<\/p>\n

 <\/p>\n

\u201cAnd you know I am so manly I NEVER wear underwear!\u201d Little Joe pointed out.<\/p>\n

 <\/p>\n

The lovely Rossi daughter winked at Little Joe as she had learned that fact first hand. Joe blew her a kiss across the table.<\/p>\n

 <\/p>\n

\u201cWhat is potpourri?\u201d Hoss asked helping himself to a second portion of lasagna.<\/p>\n

 <\/p>\n

\u201cThat sweet smelling dried flowery stuff in a glass bowl that Hop Sing put in the guest room,\u201d Adam explained.<\/p>\n

\u201cOOOps, I ate that stuff when I was in my \u2018Evil Hoss\u2019 disguise,\u201d Hoss said. \u201cIt was kind of crunchy.\u201d<\/p>\n

\u201cAnd Borelli wanted to give you fashion advise while you were in that outfit too!\u201d Joe reminded his brother.<\/p>\n

\u201cThat\u2019s right; he said that plaid shirt wasn\u2019t very flattering and I should balance out my full face with a higher crowned hat\u2026\u201d Hoss nodded. \u201cAnd he recommended some good mousse for my hair too and that I should wear subdued earth tones!\u201d<\/p>\n

 <\/p>\n

\u201cHe told me that too!\u201d Ben said. \u201cWhy do you think I wear this tan vest? Borelli told me it made me more attractive than Adam West!\u201d The cattle baron swallowed hard. Maybe his sons were right about the late great Borelli. \u201cNever mind.\u201d<\/p>\n

\u201cLucky fella<\/em>\u2026When the stars make you drool Just like pasta fazool,\u201d Mrs. Rossi sang as she served the soup. Her lovely daughter plopped a steaming bowl in front of each person at the table. \u201cPasta fazool!\u201d<\/p>\n

\u201cPasta fazool?\u201d said Little Joe tasting the soup and sneaking a peak at the lovely girl across the table from him. \u201dOh BAYbee!\u201d<\/p>\n

 <\/p>\n

She batted her eyelashes at him. \u201cBean soup with bits of macaroni in it,\u201d she smiled at him.<\/p>\n

 <\/p>\n

\u201cHoss once cooked mesquite beans,\u201d Joe smiled sipping his soup.<\/p>\n

 <\/p>\n

\u201cAnd Yankee Doodle put a feather in his cap and called it macaroni,\u201d said Perry Como Rossi<\/p>\n

 <\/p>\n

New American Mr. Ross exclaimed, \u201cWhat a country!\u201d<\/p>\n

 <\/p>\n

\u201cAnd beans are a musical fruit. How do you think Adam learned to sing so well while we were heading west?\u201d\u00a0 Ben said proudly.<\/p>\n

 <\/p>\n

\u201cBEANS!\u201d everyone cheered.<\/p>\n

 <\/p>\n

\u201cAdam was the best boy soprano in the entire wagon train,\u201d Ben bragged.<\/p>\n

\u201cYou fed your baby beans?\u201d Mrs. Rossi beamed and pinched Adam\u2019s cheek. \u201cI fed my baby beans as well!\u201d<\/p>\n

 <\/p>\n

Ben nodded paternally at his sons. \u201cAll the way west\u2026even in Indian Country and at Disney Land. Hoss too. And Little Joe! Even Buck!\u201d<\/p>\n

\u201cYou should hear that horse sing!\u201d Adam added. \u201cMatt Dillon loves Buck\u2019s rendition of the Mr. Ed theme song and \u2018Mama\u2019s Don\u2019t Let Your Baby\u2019s Grow Up To Be Cowboys\u2019.\u201d<\/p>\n

 <\/p>\n

\u201cBuck does sound great in the shower too!” Ben slurped his pasta fazool. \u201cI was going to take the boys to Salt Lake City to be a singing brother act but the Osmonds beat me to it.\u201d<\/p>\n

 <\/p>\n

\u201cThat’s Amore!\u201d sang all three Cartwright boys and Buck demonstrating their melodious four-part harmony.<\/p>\n

\u201cWhen you dance down the street with a cloud at your feet, you’re in love!\u201d Joe grabbed the pie pan and used it like a tambourine. He bounced it off his tight tushie as Hoss did a quick Motown step with Adam and Buck in syncopated synchronization.<\/p>\n

 <\/p>\n

Then all the Rossis joined the Cartwrights and all the horses for one final flourish.<\/p>\n

 <\/p>\n

\u201cTHAT\u2019S AMORE!\u201d<\/p>\n

*****End*****<\/p>\n

 <\/p>\n

 <\/p>\n

Tags: Adam Cartwright, Ben Cartwright, Hoss Cartwright, Joe \/ Little Joe Cartwright<\/p>\n

<\/div>\n

<\/g><\/svg><\/i> \"Loading\"<\/p>\n

<\/div>\n","protected":false},"excerpt":{"rendered":"

Summary: \u00a0Inspired by the famous song sung by Perry Como and Dean Martin.<\/p>\n

Rating: \u00a0T \u00a0(1,500 words)<\/p>\n","protected":false},"author":44,"featured_media":14367,"comment_status":"open","ping_status":"open","sticky":false,"template":"template-full-width-post.php","format":"standard","meta":{"_jetpack_newsletter_access":"","_jetpack_dont_email_post_to_subs":false,"_jetpack_newsletter_tier_id":0,"_jetpack_memberships_contains_paywalled_content":false,"_jetpack_memberships_contains_paid_content":false,"footnotes":"","jetpack_post_was_ever_published":false},"categories":[4],"tags":[],"class_list":["post-14389","post","type-post","status-publish","format-standard","has-post-thumbnail","hentry","category-humor","wpcat-4-id"],"a3_pvc":{"activated":true,"total_views":519,"today_views":0},"jetpack_featured_media_url":"https:\/\/i0.wp.com\/bonanzabrand.info\/library\/wp-content\/uploads\/2017\/06\/ARLE-e1497282889671.png?fit=570%2C416&ssl=1","jetpack_likes_enabled":true,"jetpack-related-posts":[{"id":14396,"url":"https:\/\/bonanzabrand.info\/library\/?p=14396","url_meta":{"origin":14389,"position":0},"title":"The Return of Old Sheba (by Robin)","author":"profrobinw","date":"January 12, 2000","format":false,"excerpt":"Summary: \u00a0It is said they have an extremely long memory. Rating: \u00a0T \u00a0(9,390 words)","rel":"","context":"In "Humor"","block_context":{"text":"Humor","link":"https:\/\/bonanzabrand.info\/library\/?cat=4"},"img":{"alt_text":"","src":"https:\/\/i0.wp.com\/bonanzabrand.info\/library\/wp-content\/uploads\/2017\/06\/ARLE-e1497282889671.png?fit=570%2C416&ssl=1&resize=350%2C200","width":350,"height":200,"srcset":"https:\/\/i0.wp.com\/bonanzabrand.info\/library\/wp-content\/uploads\/2017\/06\/ARLE-e1497282889671.png?fit=570%2C416&ssl=1&resize=350%2C200 1x, https:\/\/i0.wp.com\/bonanzabrand.info\/library\/wp-content\/uploads\/2017\/06\/ARLE-e1497282889671.png?fit=570%2C416&ssl=1&resize=525%2C300 1.5x"},"classes":[]},{"id":15670,"url":"https:\/\/bonanzabrand.info\/library\/?p=15670","url_meta":{"origin":14389,"position":1},"title":"The Burden Of The Oath (by Hart4Ben)","author":"Hart4Ben","date":"August 22, 2017","format":false,"excerpt":"Summary:\u00a0 Hoss struggles with how to help Doc Martin in the aftermath of the epidemic and Julia's Bulette's death. A WHN for The Julia Bulette Story. Rating: K+\u00a0 Word Count: 1493","rel":"","context":"In "Drama"","block_context":{"text":"Drama","link":"https:\/\/bonanzabrand.info\/library\/?cat=23"},"img":{"alt_text":"","src":"https:\/\/i0.wp.com\/bonanzabrand.info\/library\/wp-content\/uploads\/2017\/12\/doc.png?fit=440%2C370&ssl=1&resize=350%2C200","width":350,"height":200},"classes":[]},{"id":15525,"url":"https:\/\/bonanzabrand.info\/library\/?p=15525","url_meta":{"origin":14389,"position":2},"title":"Ben Raised His Boys RIGHT (by Robin)","author":"profrobinw","date":"December 4, 2001","format":false,"excerpt":"Summary: The trials of a Cartwight father. 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