{"id":14394,"date":"2004-01-12T12:03:57","date_gmt":"2004-01-12T17:03:57","guid":{"rendered":"https:\/\/bonanzabrand.info\/library\/?p=14394"},"modified":"2025-09-25T15:17:45","modified_gmt":"2025-09-25T19:17:45","slug":"the-olympic-inheritance-by-robin","status":"publish","type":"post","link":"https:\/\/bonanzabrand.info\/library\/?p=14394","title":{"rendered":"The Olympic Inheritance (by Robin)"},"content":{"rendered":"

Summary:<\/strong> \u00a0Beyond their wildest dreams? \u00a0Well, it happened.<\/p>\n

Rating: \u00a0T \u00a0(2,60 words)<\/p>\n

Author’s Note:<\/strong> \u00a0The REALLY Losts are satires of the series written with much affection, eye rolling,\u00a0\u00a0and winks. \u00a0And can be somewhat risque’.<\/em><\/p>\n

 <\/p>\n

The Olympic Inheritance
\nA REALLY Lost Episode<\/strong><\/p>\n

With commentary by the noted media expert, Prof. F. Sheets<\/em><\/p>\n

 <\/p>\n

 <\/p>\n

\u201cPa! Pa! Come quick!\u201d Little Joe called as he ran into the house. \u201cYou got to see this!!!\u201d<\/p>\n

 <\/p>\n

Ben Cartwright ran out of the massive (like himself) Cattle Baron front door to the Ponderosa yard to see an open wagon filled with attractive senoritas in skintight outfits and silvery blonde Scandinavian girls in similar attire.<\/p>\n

 <\/p>\n

\u201cAre you Mr. Ben Cartwright?\u201d the smiling driver asked.<\/p>\n

 <\/p>\n

\u201cYes.\u201d Ben smiled warmly as Joe started winking at each girl in the wagon and distributing appointment cards that said \u201cJoseph Francis Cartwright, Ponderosa Ranch, Nevada Territory, I can make you swoon and die for more\u201d, plus their appointment time as well as directions to his hayloft of WOWza.<\/p>\n

 <\/p>\n

\u201cTee hee hee!\u201d the gals all laughed anticipating a date with handsome, virile Joe Cartwright.<\/p>\n

 <\/p>\n

\u201cWho are you? And who are all these attractive gals?\u201d Ben tipped his hat. He was very polite.<\/p>\n

 <\/p>\n

\u201cI am Coach Pedro Lindstrom and this is the Mexican Swedish Volleyball team. The attorney for the late Gunnar Borgstrom sent us here. He left the team to his nephew Horse Cartwright in his will.\u201d<\/p>\n

 <\/p>\n

Note from Prof. F. Sheets:<\/u><\/em> The driver of the wagon was played by former football great Gluggy Shluggy Shlep, Jr. who was a childhood friend of Dan Blocker. Gluggy played running nose for the University of Iowa in the Fruit Bowl in 1947.<\/em><\/p>\n

\u201dYou must mean my son Hoss, not Horse,\u201d said Ben.<\/p>\n

\u201dI thought that was a typo in the will. Gunnar was never a very good speller.\u201d<\/p>\n

\u201dHe had lousy fashion sense too,\u201d Ben added. \u201cHe wore that red satin shirt and Mexican sombrero and he was Swedish too!\u201d<\/p>\n

 <\/p>\n

Note from Prof. F. Sheets:<\/u><\/em> \u00a0Gunnar was in three episodes of Bonanza. The first was \u201cThe Last Viking\u201d where he was played by Neville Brand. Then he was a character in \u201cInger, My Love\u201d and was played by Jeremy Slate. Lastly, he was in \u201cSwedish Meatballs on the Sierra\u201d where he was played by Regis Philbin.<\/em><\/p>\n

 <\/p>\n

Hoss came around the corner of the barn. He noticed the wagonload of attractive woman while he was single-handedly shoeing the entire corral of horses and chopping enough wood for the entire Nevada Territory.<\/p>\n

 <\/p>\n

\u201cWow! A wagon load of attractive fillies! They must be Little Joe\u2019s dates for the afternoon gal break. That little brother of mine sure has a way with the purty ladies.\u201d Hoss grinned watching Joe passing out the last of his appointment cards to Gwinilla in the last seat.<\/p>\n

 <\/p>\n

\u201cTeee heeee!\u201d said blonde Gwinilla, batting her black thick false eyelashes. Joe loved those blondes with false eyelashes. The dumber and ditzier the better. Seeing as women on the Ponderosa tended to be as disposable, like dirty Kleenex, Joe had less remorse when a ditsy one bit the dust than if the gal had a bit of brains. Joe liked his woman just like his favorite Swanson TV brand dinner in shiny disposable aluminum trays — filled with stuffing and steamy gravy and ready to go with just a bit of heat.<\/p>\n

 <\/p>\n

\u201cNo son, those gals are not here on the Ponderosa for Joe.\u201d Ben turned to Joe and said, \u201cJoseph, don\u2019t chew with your mouth open.\u201d<\/p>\n

 <\/p>\n

Note from Prof. F. Sheets:<\/u><\/em> Lorne Greene and Michael Landon ad-libbed this section. The line was supposed to be \u201cJoseph, don\u2019t you think you should be helping Hoss shovel manure?\u201d Landon was supposed to say, \u201cNo, Pa. Don\u2019t you think you should be shoveling manure with the rest of us?\u201d Greene and Landon felt that was not a comment Joe would ever make and refused to do the script as it was written. The director, Al Fredichcock, left in the lines rather than argue. <\/em><\/p>\n

\u201dPa, I\u2019m not chewing, I am kissing!\u201d Little Joe answered as he kissed Maria Madelana and hugged her twin Madelana Maria simultaneously, not an easy task but Little Joe Cartwright was very agile and wore spandex cowboy pants.<\/p>\n

 <\/p>\n

Note from Prof. F. Sheets<\/u><\/em>: Michael Landon was a gymnastic star in high school. The twins who played Maria Madelana and Madelana Maria were stars in the 1962 Olympics and later appeared in the Star Trek Episode entitled \u201cSpock, Is that a Phaser in Your Pocket or are You Happy To See Me?\u201d<\/em><\/p>\n

 <\/p>\n

\u201cTee heee,\u201d said Ingrid as she waited her turn behind Espadrilla and Sonia Louis for kissing.<\/p>\n

 <\/p>\n

\u201cAre all these gals here to see Adam? He is on some sort of business trip to St. Louis or Detroit.\u201d<\/p>\n

 <\/p>\n

\u201cTee heeee hheee!\u201d giggled Burrito and Gravlox. \u201cEes he in Detroit to buy a new Chevy Impala?\u201d<\/p>\n

 <\/p>\n

\u201cOr a Chevy Tahoe wagon with simulated plastic wood grain panels and a fold down rear seat?\u201d<\/p>\n

\u201dNo, these gals are not for Adam. Hoss, they are all here for you!\u201d Ben patted Hoss on the back affectionately. \u201cThis is the Swedish Mexican Olympic Volley Ball team and they are all yours. They are your inheritance from your Uncle Gunnar, son.<\/p>\n

 <\/p>\n

Hoss rolled his eyes back in his head and fainted dead away.<\/p>\n

 <\/p>\n

When Hoss came too, he was stretched out on the famous stain-proof settee with Pa holding a cold cloth on his head. \u201cI sent Joe to ride for Doc Martin. He should be back in either five minutes or two days\u2026 depending.\u201d<\/p>\n

\u201dDepending on what Mr. Cartwright?\u201d Pedro Lindstrom asked<\/p>\n

 <\/p>\n

\u201cDepending on how fast Cochise can run. He\/she hasn\u2019t had coffee yet this morning and\u2026\u201d<\/p>\n

\u201dAnd what?\u201d Pedro asked.<\/p>\n

 <\/p>\n

\u201cDepending on if Joe finds the doctor right away and he is not out at some nearby ranch delivering breech-birthed twins.\u201d<\/p>\n

 <\/p>\n

\u201cWe get a lot of those around here,\u201d said Hoss.<\/p>\n

 <\/p>\n

\u201cMust be those above ground atom bomb tests over near Reno,\u201d said Ikea, the captain of the Olympic volleyball team as she assembled new plywood-and-vinyl oak-grained entertainment unit on the left of the MASSIVE (like the Cartwrights) stone fireplace.<\/p>\n

 <\/p>\n

\u201cDepending on if Joe meets up with trouble, like a bushwhacking \u2026<\/p>\n

 <\/p>\n

\u201cWas he carrying a large some of money and flashing it around again?\u201d Hop Sing asked bringing out the Pu Pu platters and lighting the little sternos under them. \u201cThis will tide girls over to dinner time and\/or when Mr. Little Joe comes back.\u201d<\/p>\n

 <\/p>\n

Note from Prof. F. Sheets:<\/u><\/em> The pu pu scene had to be re-shot three times when Lorne\u2019s toupee caught fire on one take and Dan ate all the food on the next. If you look carefully, you can see the singed edges of Greene\u2019s hair in the opening sequence.<\/em><\/p>\n

 <\/p>\n

\u201cDepending on if Joe meets up with some escaped prisoners who coincidentally look exactly like him and \/or were previously never shown life-long friends for whom Joe was their best man,\u201d Ben added.<\/p>\n

 <\/p>\n

\u201cYou said a mouthful in that last sentence, Mr. Cartwright,\u201d Said Lekvar, the silver blonde in the blue skintight blouse.<\/p>\n

 <\/p>\n

\u201cCall me Ben\u2026I may look old but I am only ten years older than Hoss, here.\u201d<\/p>\n

 <\/p>\n

\u201cBen,\u201d Lekvar sighed \u201cYou said a mouthful in that last sentence, Beeeeeeeeennnnnnn.\u201d she drew out the last line as long as she could to get more camera time.<\/p>\n

 <\/p>\n

\u201cHey, I am the voice of Canada. No line is too long, convoluted or tongue twisting for me! Or ‘pour moi’ depending on what part of Canada you are from.\u201d<\/p>\n

\u201dSpeaking of tongue twisting\u2026\u201d Hoochie Mama said tugging on Ben\u2019s ubiquitous leather vest. \u201cI had the next appointment. Do you think Joe will be back soon?\u201d<\/p>\n

 <\/p>\n

\u201cSoon, depending on if a crazed mob wants to hang him by his cute little neck and we all have to ride into Virginia City and save him in the nick of time.\u201d<\/p>\n

 <\/p>\n

“Or if he get bushwhacked!” said Hop Sing, passing out Swedish meatballs on frilled toothpicks.<\/p>\n

\u201dPa, I never understood why we continue to live around here,\u201d Hoss observed. \u201cThe folks in Virginia city are so mean to us. And dumb too.\u201d<\/p>\n

Ben shrugged. \u201cLand was cheap. I thought the neighborhood would improve. Mr. Haney promised that a golf course would open. Anyway, we wouldn\u2019t have many stories if there wasn\u2019t constant trouble every week.\u201d<\/p>\n

 <\/p>\n

They heard hooves gallop up.<\/p>\n

 <\/p>\n

Gallop gallop gallop!<\/p>\n

\u201dJoe?\u201d all the girls sighed melodiously in unison as the door opened.<\/p>\n

 <\/p>\n

\u201cNo, it\u2019s me, Adam!\u201d The eldest Cartwright brother came in, tossed his black hat on the rack and realized that not only was his brother Hoss stretched out on the settee but also the house was filled with attractive women. It wasn\u2019t that often that Adam came home to find a bevy of doomed gals right in his parlor. What a treat after a hard day of punching cattle! Some of those cattle even punched back. He rubbed his bruised jaw from that last punch from that white face heifer, Bossie Sue.<\/p>\n

 <\/p>\n

\u201cWhat\u2019s going on here?\u201d Adam asked as he strode into the room.<\/p>\n

 <\/p>\n

\u201cThis is the Swedish Mexican Olympic Volleyball team and they are all for Hoss. They are his inheritance from his late Uncle Gunnar,\u201d Ben explained. \u201cThey all belong to Hoss.\u201d<\/p>\n

\u201dWowza!\u201d Adam exclaimed. “The Olympics!” When his grandfather Stoddard died, all he got was an old boot, a box of Mrs. Paul’s Fish Sticks, a Boston Red Socks pennant and a map of Cheers. Adam looked around and leaned manfully against the nearest gal.<\/p>\n

 <\/p>\n

\u201cTeee heeee!\u201d giggled Evita. \u201cMeester Cartwright you lean so manfully!\u201d<\/p>\n

\u201dI studied leaning in an unnamed Eastern college!\u201d said Adam, the most educated and perpetually leaning Cartwright.<\/p>\n

\u201dYou do eeet so well!\u201d Evita swooned, running her hands through Adam\u2019s dark mysterious hair.<\/p>\n

 <\/p>\n

\u201cAnd I play the guitar too!\u201d Adam whispered seductively at the attractive gal while holding one hand on his hair so it wouldn\u2019t fall into the pu pu platter sterno.<\/p>\n

\u201dAy caramba! Can you show me and let me dance my hoochie mama dance in your bedroom while you strum madrigals on your guitar?\u201d<\/p>\n

Adam kissed her long and sloooooooow. As always, Adam was thinking with his lips first and then his brain.<\/p>\n

 <\/p>\n

Note from Prof. F. Sheets:<\/u><\/em> David Rose wrote the musical accompaniment, \u201cHoss\u2019s Olympic Team\u201d, to this episode that was later recycled on Little House on the Prairie<\/u> and on the NBC 1972 Olympic Coverage.<\/em><\/p>\n

 <\/p>\n

Adam pulled away from her and gasped, \u201cOh no! I can\u2019t do that!!! You belong to my brother, Hoss! And blood is thicker than water and saliva and 78,432 other liquids including the flat beer they serve in the saloon scenes!\u201d<\/p>\n

But not my gravy on the ligonberry burritos!\u201d Hop Sing said proudly. \u201cI thicken my gravy with corn starch. Dinner is served. You eat now or I quit.\u201d<\/p>\n

 <\/p>\n

\u201cBut Joe isn\u2019t here yet!\u201d Ben said. \u201cI am nervous that something happened to my darling baby son.\u201d<\/p>\n

 <\/p>\n

Note from Prof. F. Sheets:<\/u><\/em> Some people think that Pa liked Joe best. Others claim that it is just because Joe got into so much trouble all the time. The third school of thought is that Pa was just overcompensating and he hates Joe.<\/em><\/p>\n

 <\/p>\n

\u201cMaybe we should saddle up and go hunting for him,\u201d Hoss said sitting up and banging his balding head on the large torpedo bra-ed bazoom of the gal who was leaning over him. A smile flashed across his face as he fainted again.\u00a0 \u201cThey don\u2019t call them torpedo bras for nothing.\u201d<\/p>\n

 <\/p>\n

Note from Prof. F. Sheets:<\/strong><\/u><\/em> Dan Blocker had to shoot the bazoom bumping scene 74 times until he was satisfied. Blocker was a perfectionist. Pernell Roberts volunteered to help Dan rehearse and demonstrated how to do the scene with the actress 37 times.<\/em><\/p>\n

\u201dPa, maybe he is having a so-called private dinner with Julia Bulette or Lotta, the rose lady, over the saloon.\u201d<\/p>\n

\u201dMaybe he is,\u201d Ben nodded. He had been a young man once and sowed his own wild oats once or twice or three times\u2026 he did have three sons. Matter of fact, he and Adam\u2019s mother were banned from all the Mc Donald\u2019s drive-thru lanes in the Boston Metropolitan area for staging their own \u201cprivate dinners\u201d. Ben had been away at sea for the previous 17 months and Ben and Elizabeth couldn\u2019t wait until they brought their McNuggets and fries back to the Stoddard house. They had their \u201cprivate dinner\u201d in front of a family ordering McFish Sandwich Happy Meals during lent and the children were sure that Ronald Mc Donald, instead of the stork, brought babies. Ben remembered that \u201cprivate dinner\u201d as a very Happy Meal. Adam was born nine months later. None of his boys would ever be vegetarians, especially Adam.<\/p>\n

 <\/p>\n

\u201cThen I am serving dinner!\u201d Hop Sing said angrily. \u201cLo Mein and stuffed cabbage is getting over done! Chicken mole! Gravlox! Eat, eat!\u201d Hop Sing urged.<\/p>\n

 <\/p>\n

\u201cTee heee,\u201d said all the gals as they skipped to the table, bouncing adorably as they went into the dining room.<\/p>\n

 <\/p>\n

\u201cDibs on Joe\u2019s dessert!\u201d Hoss hollered as he raced to the table with on pretty gal on each arm and two in each vest pocket.<\/p>\n

 <\/p>\n

\u201cHey you got the gals; at least let Pa and me split Joe\u2019s dessert!\u201d Adam griped, slowly leaning on one of the girls.<\/p>\n

 <\/p>\n

\u201cOK!\u201d Hoss grinned.<\/p>\n

 <\/p>\n

\u201cYou divide the dessert and I get first pick,\u201d Ben suggested wisely and equitably.<\/p>\n

 <\/p>\n

Adam nodded. It was certainly better than holding lit matches like Pa usually suggested. He smiled as he dug into dinner. He loved Hop Sing\u2019s noodle kugel and he was getting to share an extra portion of home made prune tapioca. \u201cLife doesn\u2019t get any better than this!\u201d Adam sighed, digging into his extra dessert.<\/p>\n

 <\/p>\n

*****END*****<\/p>\n

 <\/p>\n

Revised in honor of the 2004 Summer Olympics. Thanks to Susan for the inspiration!<\/em><\/p>\n","protected":false},"excerpt":{"rendered":"

Summary: \u00a0Beyond their wildest dreams? \u00a0Well, it happened.<\/p>\n

Rating: \u00a0T \u00a0(2,260 words)<\/p>\n","protected":false},"author":44,"featured_media":14367,"comment_status":"open","ping_status":"open","sticky":false,"template":"template-full-width-post.php","format":"standard","meta":{"_jetpack_newsletter_access":"","_jetpack_dont_email_post_to_subs":false,"_jetpack_newsletter_tier_id":0,"_jetpack_memberships_contains_paywalled_content":false,"_jetpack_feature_clip_id":0,"_jetpack_memberships_contains_paid_content":false,"footnotes":"","jetpack_post_was_ever_published":false},"categories":[1015,4],"tags":[],"class_list":["post-14394","post","type-post","status-publish","format-standard","has-post-thumbnail","hentry","category-joe-pa","category-humor","wpcat-1015-id","wpcat-4-id"],"jetpack_featured_media_url":"https:\/\/i0.wp.com\/bonanzabrand.info\/library\/wp-content\/uploads\/2017\/06\/ARLE-e1497282889671.png?fit=570%2C416&ssl=1","jetpack_likes_enabled":true,"jetpack_sharing_enabled":true,"_links":{"self":[{"href":"https:\/\/bonanzabrand.info\/library\/index.php?rest_route=\/wp\/v2\/posts\/14394","targetHints":{"allow":["GET"]}}],"collection":[{"href":"https:\/\/bonanzabrand.info\/library\/index.php?rest_route=\/wp\/v2\/posts"}],"about":[{"href":"https:\/\/bonanzabrand.info\/library\/index.php?rest_route=\/wp\/v2\/types\/post"}],"author":[{"embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/bonanzabrand.info\/library\/index.php?rest_route=\/wp\/v2\/users\/44"}],"replies":[{"embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/bonanzabrand.info\/library\/index.php?rest_route=%2Fwp%2Fv2%2Fcomments&post=14394"}],"version-history":[{"count":0,"href":"https:\/\/bonanzabrand.info\/library\/index.php?rest_route=\/wp\/v2\/posts\/14394\/revisions"}],"wp:featuredmedia":[{"embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/bonanzabrand.info\/library\/index.php?rest_route=\/wp\/v2\/media\/14367"}],"wp:attachment":[{"href":"https:\/\/bonanzabrand.info\/library\/index.php?rest_route=%2Fwp%2Fv2%2Fmedia&parent=14394"}],"wp:term":[{"taxonomy":"category","embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/bonanzabrand.info\/library\/index.php?rest_route=%2Fwp%2Fv2%2Fcategories&post=14394"},{"taxonomy":"post_tag","embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/bonanzabrand.info\/library\/index.php?rest_route=%2Fwp%2Fv2%2Ftags&post=14394"}],"curies":[{"name":"wp","href":"https:\/\/api.w.org\/{rel}","templated":true}]}}