{"id":14438,"date":"2017-07-07T22:39:03","date_gmt":"2017-07-08T02:39:03","guid":{"rendered":"https:\/\/bonanzabrand.info\/library\/?p=14438"},"modified":"2025-09-25T15:41:08","modified_gmt":"2025-09-25T19:41:08","slug":"love-hurts-by-home-alone","status":"publish","type":"post","link":"https:\/\/bonanzabrand.info\/library\/?p=14438","title":{"rendered":"Love Hurts (By Home Alone)"},"content":{"rendered":"

Summary:\u00a0 <\/strong>Hoss rides up to Ima Hogg\u2019s goat farm to deliver a message and barely escapes an unwanted marriage.<\/p>\n

Rating:\u00a0 K+\/G \u00a0 \u00a0Word Count:\u00a0 2,148<\/p>\n

 <\/p>\n

Love Hurts<\/strong><\/p>\n

The last thing Hoss remembered before the frying pan whacked him on the back of his head was finishing the best piece of pie he had ever eaten.\u00a0 Now he was laid out on a bed in a dark room with a pounding headache.\u00a0 He tried to reach up to feel what was most likely a first-rate lump on the back of his head but found his hands tied to the bedposts.<\/p>\n

His head fuzzy and his vision blurry, he looked around the unfamiliar surroundings and tried to make sense of where he was.\u00a0 Urging himself to stay calm and think clearly, he began to remember bits and pieces \u2013 and then it came to him.\u00a0 Pa had sent him out to Ima\u2019s goat farm to kick her ample backside off Ponderosa property.\u00a0 One minute he was eating a delectable slice of apple pie and now he was tied to the bed like the Lilliputians tied up Gulliver.<\/p>\n

Ima lived alone on a small plot of land adjacent to the Ponderosa.\u00a0 Alone, that is, if you don\u2019t count the 6 dozen reeking goats that lived on her broken-down ranch.\u00a0 Anyone traveling within a half a mile of the spread would know they were getting close by the foul odor lingering in the air like the stench of imminent doom.<\/p>\n

She had taken advantage of Ben Cartwright\u2019s good nature and allowed her goats to graze in one of his best pastures.\u00a0 Upon his last inspection of the property, the goats had all but decimated the grass and foliage.\u00a0 It would be a year before the land would recover enough for him to graze his beef there \u2013 a delay he could not afford.\u00a0 He rode over to the ranch house to confront Ima and evict her stinking herd from his land, but he had no luck finding her.\u00a0 The sneaky spinster most likely saw him coming and was hiding somewhere.<\/p>\n

That night, when the Cartwright family gathered at the table for dinner, none of the boys spoke a word.\u00a0 One look at their father\u2019s face and they knew he was in a black mood.\u00a0 Over the years, the brothers had learned when their father wore that particular glowering expression it was best to remain silent and try to avoid the misplaced outburst that was sure to follow.<\/p>\n

Mumbling under his breath, Ben punctuated his incoherent tirade by slamming a spoonful of mashed potatoes onto his plate.\u00a0 Hoss and Little Joe exchanged a sideways glance that only brothers could interpret without words. \u00a0Their gaze then shifted to Adam.\u00a0 A fork in his hand and his mouth slightly ajar, Adam watched his father\u2019s agitated behavior through raised eyebrows.\u00a0 The master of timing, he waited until his father shoved a forkful of dinner in his mouth, then dared to ask in his calmest voice what the hell had happened.<\/p>\n

As Ben retold the story of Ima and her goats, Joe and Hoss snickered. Both instantly regretted it when their father turned to glare at them.\u00a0 To drive home the point that the situation was anything but funny, Ben ordered Hoss out to Ima\u2019s ranch first thing in the morning to clear those goats off his land by any means necessary.\u00a0 Swallowing hard, Hoss carefully protested his assignment, suggesting Adam might be a better, more diplomatic choice.\u00a0\u00a0 After all, Adam was the one with the fancy Eastern education.\u00a0 It was high time Pa took advantage of his investment in his oldest son and let the eloquent, silver tongued master of the English language convince Ima to move the herd.\u00a0 But Adam steadfastly refused.\u00a0 He was downright terrified to be alone with Ima.<\/p>\n

Every man in the area knew about Ima.\u00a0 She didn\u2019t venture into town often, but when she did the men scattered like tumbleweeds in the wind. Ima wanted a husband and had no qualms about making it known \u2013 even placing an advertisement in the local newspaper.\u00a0 She had one or two suitors who came calling but didn\u2019t stay long.\u00a0 A man might be able to overlook her generous girth, rude demeanor, or lack of manners, but no man – no matter how hard he tried \u2013 could ignore the pungent odor of goats that trailed behind her where ever she went like smoke from a chimney.<\/p>\n

Growing frustrated with her inability to find a suitable spouse, Ima vowed to marry the next eligible man who stepped foot on her ranch.\u00a0 When Hoss rode in, she sized him up and decided he would be a most excellent husband, judging by his size and love of a good meal. \u00a0Whispering a silent prayer of thanks to the Almighty for sending her the perfect man, she politely invited him into her house, sat him at her table, and served him a delicious lunch of stew and biscuits and freshly baked apple pie. Hoss happily took the bait, raving to Ima how wonderful her lunch was while explaining the purpose of his visit.<\/p>\n

Ima nervously fidgeted in the kitchen while Hoss ate.\u00a0 When he had finished his pie, she came up on him from behind, pulled her skillet from behind her skirts, and whacked her future husband on the head with a distinctive twang.\u00a0 Hoss sat for a second or two as if nothing had happened, then fell face first into his empty plate.<\/p>\n

Ima hooked him under his arms, dragged him to the bedroom, and tied him to the bed.\u00a0 Never mind that Hoss was a large man \u2013 Ima outweighed and<\/em> outmuscled him.\u00a0 She easily picked him up and laid him on the bed, checking his head to make sure she hadn\u2019t done any serious damage.\u00a0 She securely tied his hands and feet to the bed posts and stood back to admire her work.\u00a0 Now that she had her man, she would proceed to the next part of her plot \u2013 the part she had neglected to plan for.<\/p>\n

Not having considered what to do if she ever did catch a man, Ima sat dejectedly at the kitchen table.\u00a0 Now what?\u00a0 Hoss was a formidable man.\u00a0 How was she going to keep him here against his will? \u00a0She certainly couldn\u2019t keep him tied to the bed forever. \u00a0And what about marriage?\u00a0 How was she going to convince Hoss to say \u2018I do\u2019?\u00a0 Scratching her head, Ima went over scenario after scenario.\u00a0 The realization of her predicament sinking in, she put her head down and bumped her forehead on the tabletop over and over, muttering \u2018stupid, stupid, stupid\u2019.<\/p>\n

In the other room, Hoss managed to loosen the ropes and worked out the last of the knots holding him to the bed.\u00a0 Tossing the ropes aside, he silently stood and opened the door a crack.\u00a0 In the lamplight, he could see Ima sitting at the table. \u00a0The sight of his gun belt hanging on a peg near the door and Ima\u2019s rifle leaning against the table convinced him to close the door and remain silent while trying to come up with an escape plan.\u00a0 Why hadn\u2019t he listened to Adam?\u00a0 He warned him not to go out to her ranch alone and, as usual, he was right.<\/p>\n

Ima wiped her nose on her sleeve and let out a large, surrendering sigh.\u00a0 Conceding defeat, she rose from the table and opened the door to the bedroom, intending to set her captive free.\u00a0 As the door swung open, she glanced over and saw the empty bed and loose ropes, but no husband. \u00a0Before she could turn around, Hoss jumped out from behind the door and attempted to subdue her by grabbing her in a big bear hug and lifting her off the floor.\u00a0 Now, Hoss was a strong man \u2013 to the point of being legendary around Virginia City.\u00a0 He had hoisted any number of heavy objects, bent horseshoes with his bare hands, and lifted cows clean off the ground. But nothing could have prepared him for the tussle that was about to ensue.\u00a0 Unable to get his arms all the way around her, Hoss and Ima struggled until she finally gave up and plopped her behemoth buttocks down in a chair.<\/p>\n

Exhausted from the struggle, Hoss grabbed her rifle and gathered his gun belt.\u00a0 Backing his way towards the door, he breathed a sigh of relief when he saw his beloved Chub tied to the hitching post, saddled and ready to run.\u00a0 Warning her not to move, he backed through the door, turned around, and ran like a maniac to Chub.\u00a0 As he galloped away from the matrimonially crazed Ima, he turned around and saw her standing in the doorway to the house, simultaneously crying and waving.<\/p>\n

A mile or so down the road, when he was certain that Ima was not following, Hoss stopped.\u00a0 Dab-burn it!\u00a0 <\/em>He couldn\u2019t go home yet.\u00a0 His father was waiting for him, expecting Hoss to move the herd and admonished Ima not to graze her goats on Ponderosa land ever again.\u00a0 Sure, Ima was a crazy, immense, seeking woman who had almost trapped him into an unwanted marriage.\u00a0 But a frying pan to the head would pale in comparison to what his father would do if he returned home without moving that herd.\u00a0 Pa would be beyond angry \u2013 kidnapping or no kidnapping. A desperate feeling came over him when he realized he was going to have to turn around and go back.\u00a0 \u00a0He double checked his gun to make sure it was loaded, just in case, and headed back towards Ima\u2019s ranch.<\/p>\n

He hurriedly rode up to the pasture, herded the goats together, and drove them down the hill to Ima\u2019s ranch.\u00a0 When he rode into her yard, she was standing on the porch, overjoyed at his return.<\/p>\n

\u201cHoss!\u00a0 You came back to me!\u201d<\/p>\n

\u201cNo!\u00a0 No!\u00a0 No!\u00a0 Miss Ima, you keep your distance now! \u00a0I\u2019m just here to bring yer goats.\u00a0 Now, I told you once Pa won\u2019t stand for any more of them grazin\u2019 on Ponderosa land.\u00a0 If we find them up there again, we\u2019ll be back, and we\u2019re not gonna be nice about it!\u00a0 You mind what I say now, ya hear?\u201d<\/p>\n

Ima jumped off the porch and started running towards Hoss with her arms outstretched.\u00a0 His eyes popping out of his head, a panicked Hoss pointed Chub towards home and rode out in a gallop as fast as Chub could run, glancing over his shoulder to see if she was coming after him.\u00a0 From behind him, he heard Ima shouting.<\/p>\n

\u201cHoss Cartwright!\u00a0 Don\u2019t you run away!\u00a0 We make a beautiful couple \u2013 you and me!\u00a0 I can bake you a pie whenever you want one!\u00a0 Don\u2019t go, Hoss.\u00a0 Hoss!\u201d\u00a0 She yelled as loud as she could, but it was no use.\u00a0 Hoss was gone.<\/p>\n

When he was convinced he was not being followed, Hoss slowed to a trot and stopped his horse.\u00a0 He took off his hat, wiped the sweat from his brow, shuttering at the memory of what just happened. \u00a0He was sure no one at home would believe him when he told them what happened, but he didn\u2019t care.\u00a0 Like Adam, he would NEVER<\/em> be alone with Ima again.<\/p>\n

Ima stood in the yard watching as Hoss rode away, a symphony of bleating goats in the background. \u201cGo ahead, Hoss Cartwright,\u201d she whispered to herself while smoothing down her wild hair.\u00a0 \u00a0\u201cYou run on home to your daddy.\u00a0 You\u2019ll be back. \u00a0You know it and I know it.\u00a0 We belong together.\u00a0 I swear I\u2019m not gonna rest till you\u2019re my husband.\u201d<\/p>\n

She sat down on the steps to the house, her elbows on her knees and her chin in her hands.\u00a0 Deep down she knew Hoss would never come back.\u00a0 At best, she\u2019d be lucky if he didn\u2019t report her to the sheriff.\u00a0 Where did it all go wrong?\u00a0 She had him right where she wanted him, and then it all fell apart.\u00a0 If only she had just one more chance. . .<\/p>\n

Down the road, she saw dust from wagon wheels heading her direction.\u00a0 \u00a0Could it be him?\u00a0 As it got closer, she sadly realized it was not Hoss – it was Zeke from the mercantile, delivering the supplies she had ordered in town a few days ago.\u00a0 She let out a disappointed sigh and stood to greet him.<\/p>\n

\u201cMornin\u2019 Miss Hogg.\u00a0 Got your supplies here.\u00a0 Do you want me to bring \u2018em into the house?\u201d<\/p>\n

\u201cOh, yes please, Mr. Waddell.\u00a0 That would be most kind of you!\u201d\u00a0 Zeke grabbed some crates from the back of the wagon and carried them into the house, with Ima following close behind.<\/p>\n

Placing the crates on the counter, Zeke sniffed at the air.\u00a0 \u201cHey!\u00a0 Is that apple pie I smell?\u201d<\/p>\n

Ima smiled a crafty smile.\u00a0 \u201cWhy, yes it is, Mr. Waddell\u201d she said, slyly picking up her skillet and hiding it in her skirts.\u00a0 \u201cNow, you sit down right here and I\u2019ll get you a nice, big slice of pie.\u201d<\/p>\n

Twang!<\/em><\/p>\n

 <\/p>\n

 <\/p>\n

Tags:\u00a0 Hoss Cartwright<\/p>\n

<\/div>\n

<\/g><\/svg><\/i> \"Loading\"<\/p>\n

<\/div>\n","protected":false},"excerpt":{"rendered":"

Summary:\u00a0 Hoss rides up to Ima Hogg\u2019s goat farm to deliver a message and barely escapes an unwanted marriage.<\/p>\n

Rating:\u00a0 K+\/G \u00a0 \u00a0Word Count:\u00a0 2,148<\/p>\n","protected":false},"author":10301,"featured_media":11293,"comment_status":"open","ping_status":"open","sticky":false,"template":"template-full-width-post.php","format":"standard","meta":{"_jetpack_newsletter_access":"","_jetpack_dont_email_post_to_subs":false,"_jetpack_newsletter_tier_id":0,"_jetpack_memberships_contains_paywalled_content":false,"_jetpack_feature_clip_id":0,"_jetpack_memberships_contains_paid_content":false,"footnotes":"","jetpack_post_was_ever_published":false},"categories":[7,1006,4],"tags":[],"class_list":["post-14438","post","type-post","status-publish","format-standard","has-post-thumbnail","hentry","category-a-u","category-hoss-cartwright","category-humor","wpcat-7-id","wpcat-1006-id","wpcat-4-id"],"a3_pvc":{"activated":true,"total_views":1275,"today_views":0},"jetpack_featured_media_url":"https:\/\/i0.wp.com\/bonanzabrand.info\/library\/wp-content\/uploads\/2015\/06\/Hoss-smile.jpg?fit=285%2C326&ssl=1","jetpack_likes_enabled":true,"jetpack-related-posts":[{"id":15538,"url":"https:\/\/bonanzabrand.info\/library\/?p=15538","url_meta":{"origin":14438,"position":0},"title":"Goat Cheese on the Comstock (by Robin)","author":"profrobinw","date":"June 4, 2003","format":false,"excerpt":"Summary:\u00a0\u00a0A variation on A Stranger Passed this Way. Rating:\u00a0 T\u00a0 (1,440)","rel":"","context":"In "Drama"","block_context":{"text":"Drama","link":"https:\/\/bonanzabrand.info\/library\/?cat=23"},"img":{"alt_text":"","src":"https:\/\/i0.wp.com\/bonanzabrand.info\/library\/wp-content\/uploads\/2017\/06\/ARLE-e1497282889671.png?fit=570%2C416&ssl=1&resize=350%2C200","width":350,"height":200,"srcset":"https:\/\/i0.wp.com\/bonanzabrand.info\/library\/wp-content\/uploads\/2017\/06\/ARLE-e1497282889671.png?fit=570%2C416&ssl=1&resize=350%2C200 1x, https:\/\/i0.wp.com\/bonanzabrand.info\/library\/wp-content\/uploads\/2017\/06\/ARLE-e1497282889671.png?fit=570%2C416&ssl=1&resize=525%2C300 1.5x"},"classes":[]},{"id":12084,"url":"https:\/\/bonanzabrand.info\/library\/?p=12084","url_meta":{"origin":14438,"position":1},"title":"A Fistful of Regret (by DebbieB)","author":"DebbieB","date":"February 1, 2004","format":false,"excerpt":"Summary:\u00a0 When he accidentally punches Joe instead of Adam, Hoss is consumed with guilt.\u00a0 Will Joe lose his hearing?\u00a0 Will the youngest Cartwright ever forgive his gentle hearted brother for the injuries he sustained from the powerful blow to the side of his head?\u00a0 Will Hoss forgive himself or will\u2026","rel":"","context":"In "Drama"","block_context":{"text":"Drama","link":"https:\/\/bonanzabrand.info\/library\/?cat=23"},"img":{"alt_text":"","src":"https:\/\/i0.wp.com\/bonanzabrand.info\/library\/wp-content\/uploads\/2014\/04\/Hossb.jpg?fit=444%2C339&ssl=1&resize=350%2C200","width":350,"height":200},"classes":[]},{"id":46898,"url":"https:\/\/bonanzabrand.info\/library\/?p=46898","url_meta":{"origin":14438,"position":2},"title":"Strength (by AMG)","author":"Preserving Their Legacy Author","date":"December 21, 2003","format":false,"excerpt":"Summary: Due to his weight, Hoss hurts Adam accidentally in a cart accident (pun not intended) and for the first time feels extremely bad about his own size. The family is trying to help.\u00a0 Rating and Reader Alerts:\u00a0 PG, descriptions of pain Words:\u00a0 5,500","rel":"","context":"In "Adam \/ Hoss"","block_context":{"text":"Adam \/ Hoss","link":"https:\/\/bonanzabrand.info\/library\/?cat=1090"},"img":{"alt_text":"","src":"https:\/\/i0.wp.com\/bonanzabrand.info\/library\/wp-content\/uploads\/2023\/03\/Preserving-Their-Legacy.png?fit=732%2C477&ssl=1&resize=350%2C200","width":350,"height":200,"srcset":"https:\/\/i0.wp.com\/bonanzabrand.info\/library\/wp-content\/uploads\/2023\/03\/Preserving-Their-Legacy.png?fit=732%2C477&ssl=1&resize=350%2C200 1x, https:\/\/i0.wp.com\/bonanzabrand.info\/library\/wp-content\/uploads\/2023\/03\/Preserving-Their-Legacy.png?fit=732%2C477&ssl=1&resize=525%2C300 1.5x, https:\/\/i0.wp.com\/bonanzabrand.info\/library\/wp-content\/uploads\/2023\/03\/Preserving-Their-Legacy.png?fit=732%2C477&ssl=1&resize=700%2C400 2x"},"classes":[]},{"id":10378,"url":"https:\/\/bonanzabrand.info\/library\/?p=10378","url_meta":{"origin":14438,"position":3},"title":"Scrumptious (by bahj)","author":"bahj","date":"February 20, 2012","format":false,"excerpt":"Summary: A little tale about helping a friend in need and making wishes . . . 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When the most comforted? 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