{"id":1468,"date":"2009-08-20T13:23:22","date_gmt":"2009-08-20T17:23:22","guid":{"rendered":"https:\/\/bonanzabrand.info\/library\/?p=1468"},"modified":"2025-02-27T12:13:22","modified_gmt":"2025-02-27T17:13:22","slug":"a-gynecological-disaster","status":"publish","type":"post","link":"https:\/\/bonanzabrand.info\/library\/?p=1468","title":{"rendered":"A Gynecological Disaster (by the Giggly Sisters)"},"content":{"rendered":"

Summary: \u00a0<\/span>When Joe has another unfortunate accident the doctor can\u2019t be found. What is keeping him so busy? It can\u2019t possibly be the birth of yet another baby \u2013 can it?<\/p>\n

Rated:<\/span> T \u00a0WC \u00a01840<\/p>\n

 <\/p>\n

A Gynecological Disaster<\/strong><\/p>\n

Quick, Pa,\u201d Hoss shouted throwing open the door to the Ponderosa ranch house. Ben woke from a nap with a start. He glared at Hoss, who went on, obliviously, \u201cJoe\u2019s bin hurt!\u201d<\/p>\n

This was indeed a tragedy and Ben jumped to his feet, visions of a nice Joe\/Pa moment popping into his head. They didn\u2019t seem to have had one of those for quite some time, and the fans demanded a regular dose of them.<\/p>\n

The Giggly Sisters, who had been drinking coffee at the dining table, rushed over. Maimed Joe! Possibly their favorite thing in the world! They were just in time to see a couple of hands, with Adam nominally holding Joe\u2019s head, dump the poor, unconscious lad on the hideously uncomfortable settee.<\/p>\n

\u201cHoss, get the doctor,\u201d Ben ordered, in tones of utmost anguish. Hoss nodded. He liked this part; this was his mission in life. He was glad that Pa had remembered this time not to tell him to \u2018get the car\u2019 first. Mind you, that was when Joe had almost been squished in Marie My Love<\/em> and Pa was understandably rather upset.<\/p>\n

Water was procured from the kitchen and the girls fought for the right to bathe Joe’s head. Of course, they had to let Ben do some bathing first, but they soon were perched beside him, soothing his fevered brow.<\/p>\n

Joe soon came round, and moved his legs in that heart-breaking way he had. The blonde had to bite back a sob. The redhead reached for a handkerchief, but finding that she didn\u2019t have one, used one of Hop Sing\u2019s handy little cloths instead.<\/p>\n

\u201cYou really shouldn\u2019t have moved him,\u201d the blonde said, as she gently removed his boots. He could still wiggle his toes, so there wasn\u2019t a major problem with his back. \u201cEspecially when he\u2019s been bucked off a bronco.\u201d<\/p>\n

\u201cHas he?\u201d Ben asked. He\u2019d been too preoccupied with Joe\u2019s small sounds of pain to find out what had happened.<\/p>\n

The door crashed open once more and Hoss charged in. \u201cPa!\u201d he exclaimed. This statement was almost as useful as Ben\u2019s cry of \u2018Joe!\u2019 \u201cThe doc ain\u2019t there, Pa!\u201d<\/p>\n

The sister\u2019s pet bear, Paw, who had been hugging Joe, looked distraught at this and let out a little whimper.<\/p>\n

\u201cWhere is he?\u201d Ben demanded, bristling with righteous indignation. How dare the doctor not be there when, he Ben Cartwright, commanded his presence.<\/p>\n

\u201cHe\u2019s at the Williams\u2019 ranch,\u201d Hoss panted. \u201cMizz Williams is havin\u2019 twins.\u201d<\/p>\n

\u201cOh not again,\u201d said the redhead, spoiling a dramatic moment. \u201cWhy is it that it\u2019s always a gynecological disaster that prevents the doctor from getting here? Why can\u2019t it be a mine explosion? Or a landslip? Or a fire in town?\u201d<\/p>\n

\u201cWell, having a baby is a risky business,\u201d Ben said, at a loss for the answer.<\/p>\n

“So is living with Joe!” Adam observed sardonically. He’d torn a fingernail while helping to lift Joe and wondered if this would impair his ability to play the guitar.<\/p>\n

Ben shot his eldest son a hard look, and continued, “I remember how poor Marie\u2026”<\/p>\n

“My Love!” everyone chorused obediently. Even Paw put his paw pads together and assumed a saintly expression.<\/p>\n

“\u2026 suffered giving birth to Joe. Of course, he was a breech birth, you know.”<\/p>\n

“Are you sure that’s canon?” the blonde asked skeptically. “I know I’ve read that many times in fanfic, but I can’t recall it ever being said in the series.”<\/p>\n

Ben looked in disgust at the scriptgirl, who shuffled through her notes and looked confused.<\/p>\n

“Did you put a knife under the bed?” the redhead asked curiously. “People used to think that cut the pain in half.”<\/p>\n

Ben looked rather supercilious. “We may live in the back of beyond, but we don’t have to resort to old wives tales like that. Paul Martin was in attendance throughout Marie’s confinement.”<\/p>\n

The sisters thought back to when Adam had mistaken Joe for a wolf and shot him in My Brother’s Keeper<\/em>. Doctor Hickman had only taken the most cursory glance at the wounded darling, before hurrying off to a heavily pregnant woman. Those childbirth emergencies seemed just a little too convenient somehow. How had the doctor known the woman was actually in labor? He could have been cooling his heels for days out there<\/p>\n

“I’m a dab hand at deliverin’ younguns! I even done delivered that Injun girl’s baby in the Last Hunt<\/em> out in the middle of nowhere!” Hoss said. He’d found the experience rather flustering the first time around, but was now rather good at it.<\/p>\n

Joe had been markedly less enthusiastic about the whole affair and had been stunned to see that babies born on the Ponderosa did not look at all squashed and were beautifully clean.<\/p>\n

“Aren’t there any midwives around here, then?” the redhead enquired. “Kindly neighbors who help out another woman? It would be a lot more in keeping with the period after all.”<\/p>\n

A far-away look flitted over Ben’s face. “I never liked to take the slightest chance after the tragic demise of Elizabeth.”<\/p>\n

A poignant silence greeted this remark. After a moment, when she wiped Joe\u2019s brow once more, the blonde said, \u201cI thought there was something of a shortage of women? So how come there are so many of them giving birth? And the doctor usually was only called in when the woman looked fit to die, because it wasn\u2019t deemed fitting for a man to see a woman in labor.\u201d<\/p>\n

\u201cUh,\u201d Ben responded, for he didn\u2019t quite know what to say. \u201cReally?\u201d<\/p>\n

\u201cOh yes,\u201d the redhead nodded. \u201cThat\u2019s one of the reasons women so often died in childbirth. The doctors frequently didn\u2019t know what they were doing, either.\u201d She made a face, for she seemed to know a lot of doctors like that.<\/p>\n

\u201cWell, things are different out here,\u201d Adam said, importantly. \u201cDoc Martin is really up-to-date with all the latest developments, you know. He\u2019s bound to be good at delivering babies. Besides, it\u2019s not that hard. If it was the human race would have died out already.\u201d<\/p>\n

\u201cYou speak from experience then?\u201d the redhead asked. She had two children and still remembered their births and all the stitches she\u2019d had afterwards. \u201cWhen did you last give birth?\u201d<\/p>\n

\u201cWell,\u201d Adam hedged, \u201cI don\u2019t know, but that\u2019s what all my married friends say.\u201d There were many raised eyebrows at this. Did Adam have many married friends? They must not have visited the Ponderosa, which seemed like quite a sensible decision, given how many friends vanished, never to be seen again.<\/p>\n

\u201cWell, if men had babies, the human race would have died out by now,\u201d the blonde agreed. \u201cYou couldn\u2019t stand the pace.\u201d<\/p>\n

\u201cRubbish,\u201d Adam scoffed. \u201cIt doesn\u2019t take long to give birth.\u201d<\/p>\n

\u201cNot on this show,\u201d the blonde agreed. \u201cUnless it\u2019s an integral plot device. It can everywhere else.\u201d<\/p>\n

\u201cBabies ain\u2019t big,\u201d Hoss put in.<\/p>\n

\u201cThey are when you\u2019re giving birth to them,\u201d commented the redhead, who\u2019d been fortunate enough to have quick labors, but unfortunate enough to have big babies.<\/p>\n

\u201cSo the doctor might not get here for hours yet?\u201d Joe said, in a thin voice. \u201cI could be dead by then.\u201d<\/p>\n

“It could be a false labor,” the blonde said hopefully. “Then Paul could be out here in next to no time at all. Mind you, if we had some of Doc Hickman’s Marvelous, Mysterious Medicine TM you’d probably feel a lot better in two shakes of a lamb\u2019s tail.”<\/p>\n

A series of sour looks greeted this pronouncement. The Cartwrights really didn’t like sheep, as witnessed by their frantic efforts in Blood on the Land<\/em>.<\/p>\n

“Were you at the boys’ births?” the redhead asked.<\/p>\n

“Well, Adam was born in Boston, and it just wasn’t thought seemly. Then, of course, Hoss was born on the trail, so there really wasn’t a lot of privacy. And, of course, he was a very big baby indeed.”<\/p>\n

Hoss looked very proud. “Fourteen pounds!” he announced and the redhead went very pale indeed.<\/p>\n

Joe perked up a bit. “What about me?” he asked plaintively.<\/p>\n

“You were born right here on the Ponderosa,” Ben said lovingly, stroking one of Joe’s curls back from his unfeasibly handsome face. Even a maim did not detract from Joe’s utter gorgeousness in the slightest. In fact, the slight sheen of sweat just highlighted his magnificent bone structure.<\/p>\n

“You were small, annoying and cried a lot. In fact, you’ve hardly changed at all!” Adam remarked in an off-hand manner. Ben rushed in to ameliorate matters.<\/p>\n

“You had lovely green eyes, son. Just like your dear Mama.”<\/p>\n

The Giggly Sisters exchanged highly skeptical looks. The redhead cleared her throat, while the blonde snuggled closer to Joe and held onto his big toe for solace.<\/p>\n

“But all babies are born with blue eyes! Even baby animals, like Paw here! They change color after a few weeks.”<\/p>\n

Adam, Hoss and Joe all turned to look at Ben. He’d had three sons and never noticed this small point? Hoss was especially affronted.<\/p>\n

“Typical – you two hafta go and have them changin’ eyes and mine just stay plain ol’ blue. You’d never think we all got equal billing now, would ya?”<\/p>\n

\u201cThat was why we were a bit perplexed about Last Hunt<\/em>,\u201d the redhead said. \u201cYou knew the baby had a white father because it had blue eyes. But since you didn\u2019t know, I guess we\u2019ll let you off.\u201d<\/p>\n

There was a brisk knock on the front door and the Cartwrights all looked at Joe. He groaned slightly and moved his legs and the girls sighed in unison. He did suffer so well. Adam reluctantly rose and opened the door to admit Paul Martin.<\/p>\n

\u201cWell, where\u2019s the patient?\u201d he demanded, as though he didn\u2019t know Joe would be lying on the settee.<\/p>\n

\u201cThat was quick,\u201d commented the blonde. \u201cWas it a false labor after all?\u201d<\/p>\n

\u201cFalse labor?\u201d he repeated, doubtfully. \u201cWas what false labor?\u201d He glanced at the script girl. \u201cDon\u2019t tell me it was another gynaecological disaster!\u201d he cried. \u201cHave the script writers run out of ideas?\u201d<\/p>\n

They all studied him as though he were an exhibition in a museum.<\/p>\n

\u201cI\u2019ve never delivered a baby in my life!\u201d he yelled. \u201cI spend all my time out here fixing you ones up! When have I got time to deliver babies?\u201d He threw the inept script girl a hard look. He had clearly never been told he delivered babies as well!<\/p>\n

\u201cWell,\u201d said the blonde, calmly, \u201csince there aren\u2019t twins about to be born, would you mind fixing Joe up for us?\u201d<\/p>\n

As Doc Martin bent over the settee, Joe said, \u201cAnd hurry up, my back is killing me lying here.\u201d<\/p>\n

He examined Joe thoroughly and straightened up with a grim look on his face.<\/p>\n

\u201cWhat is it?\u201d Ben asked anxiously.<\/p>\n

\u201cTriplets at the least,\u201d he replied.<\/p>\n

******End*****<\/p>\n

 <\/p>\n

<\/div>\n

<\/g><\/svg><\/i> \"Loading\"<\/p>\n

<\/div>\n","protected":false},"excerpt":{"rendered":"

Summary: \u00a0When Joe has another unfortunate accident the doctor can\u2019t be found. What is keeping him so busy? It can\u2019t possibly be the birth of yet another baby \u2013 can it?<\/p>\n

Rated: T \u00a0WC \u00a01840<\/p>\n","protected":false},"author":6,"featured_media":1242,"comment_status":"open","ping_status":"closed","sticky":false,"template":"template-full-width-post.php","format":"standard","meta":{"_jetpack_newsletter_access":"","_jetpack_dont_email_post_to_subs":false,"_jetpack_newsletter_tier_id":0,"_jetpack_memberships_contains_paywalled_content":false,"_jetpack_memberships_contains_paid_content":false,"footnotes":"","jetpack_post_was_ever_published":false},"categories":[7,4],"tags":[],"class_list":["post-1468","post","type-post","status-publish","format-standard","has-post-thumbnail","hentry","category-a-u","category-humor","wpcat-7-id","wpcat-4-id"],"a3_pvc":{"activated":true,"total_views":719,"today_views":0},"jetpack_featured_media_url":"https:\/\/i0.wp.com\/bonanzabrand.info\/library\/wp-content\/uploads\/2014\/04\/bonanza31.jpg?fit=573%2C389&ssl=1","jetpack_likes_enabled":true,"jetpack-related-posts":[{"id":1535,"url":"https:\/\/bonanzabrand.info\/library\/?p=1535","url_meta":{"origin":1468,"position":0},"title":"In A Matter of Speaking (by the Giggly Sisters)","author":"The Giggly Sisters","date":"August 20, 2009","format":false,"excerpt":"Summary: \u00a0The Giggly Sisters turn their inimitable eye on the patterns of speech found at the Ponderosa. 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