Summary: \u00a0Winter supplies are running low. What do the Cartwrights have to have to survive? The Giggly sisters tell all!<\/p>\n
Rated: K+ \u00a0WC \u00a02000<\/p>\n
Be Prepared<\/strong><\/p>\n Ben Cartwright came out of the storeroom, shaking his head.<\/p>\n \u201cThis won\u2019t do at all!\u201d he muttered and strode determinedly into the living room of the Ponderosa. Some writers prefer to describe this as \u201dthe great room\u201d, but it was more like an experiment in 1950\u2019s open-plan living, if truth be told. And not especially successful, for it lacked those little touches to make it truly comfortable, such as a doormat. If nothing else, this would have effectively sopped up the blood and muck the Cartwrights trod so determinedly home with them on an all too regular basis. Sometimes Ben wondered why his sons were so accident prone, but then he supposed it was in their genes. After all, each of their mothers had died prematurely and dramatically.<\/p>\n The mellow tones of Adam\u2019s guitar filled the room \u2013 the boy certainly had talent, Ben mused, but both he and the viewers were just a trifle weary of \u201cEarly One Morning\u201d.<\/p>\n \u201cBoys!\u201d he bellowed heartily and was gratified to see all three of them jump guiltily. \u201cThere\u2019s work to be done! Winter is still here and the stores are at an all-time low.\u201d<\/p>\n \u201cWhat needs to be done, Pa?\u201d asked Adam, immediately getting to the crux of the matter, while Joe and Hoss exchanged looks in the way that younger and irresponsible brothers do.<\/p>\n \u201cWe need a cooper \u2013 and urgently!\u201d<\/p>\n Even Adam looked bemused at this and he raised one eyebrow in a quizzical fashion. Hoss eyed the contents of the fruit bowl with interest while Joe just wondered why his pants never seemed to reach down to his ankles. The girl from wardrobe did spend an inordinate mount of time making sure that the fit around the butt was sheer perfection, but this meant she was rather pushed for time when it came to small matter such as length or adding belt loops. Consequently, Joe\u2019s belt was just a mere appendage, adding an additional frisson of interest when considered in combination with his gun belt, the angle of which had recently been voted \u201cmost likely to send impressionable young ladies into apoplexy.\u201d<\/p>\n \u201cA cooper \u2013 to make barrels!\u201d Ben elaborated. \u201cFor the brandy.\u201d<\/p>\n His sons instantly nodded in agreement. Although unaccountably omitted from the many episodes showing a Cartwright in extremis, this was an integral part of Ben\u2019s master plan to ensure his sons reached maturity. The Ponderosa played host to a whole troop of sturdy Highland ponies, each one carrying a stout cask of brandy around its neck.<\/p>\n \u201cI\u2019ll get right onto it,\u201d Adam reassured his father, thus reaffirming his position as the responsible one.<\/p>\n Hoss was determined not to remain in the background. \u201cAnything else you need done? How are the stocks of calves foot jelly?\u201d<\/p>\n As everyone with even a passing acquaintance of Mrs. Beeton will know, calves foot jelly was an invaluable staple in the care of invalids and it was therefore imperative that the Ponderosa stored vast quantities of this nutritious foodstuff at all times. It was terribly convenient that they just happened to be wealthy cattle barons \u2013 but some of the purchasers were slightly bemused to take delivery of three-legged cows, instead of the normal four-legged variety. Luckily, Hoss was very handy with wood and whiled away many an idle hour whittling lifelike (albeit wooden) replacements for the luckless animals. And, as chance would have it, the Cartwrights just happened to have a rather profitable timber operation too!<\/p>\n As ever, Joe was determined not to be left out. \u201cWhat about flour, sugar and coffee?\u201d he asked anxiously, for breakfast wouldn\u2019t be the same without Hop Sing\u2019s pancakes and Cochise couldn\u2019t get going in the morning without his cup of coffee, complete with two spoons of sugar, just the way Joe took it!<\/p>\n \u201cWe can survive without all those things,\u201d Ben assured his sons. \u201cBut the brandy is very important. We all know that it cures everything, don\u2019t we? Where would you boys be if I couldn\u2019t offer you a drop of brandy when you\u2019ve been maimed?\u201d He looked particularly at Joe at this point, since he was by far the most accident prone of all the sons.<\/p>\n Joe looked indignant at this point, because he could only remember getting brandy once when maimed, in The Fighters<\/em>. There had been an occasion he\u2019d been offered some other alcohol, but he couldn\u2019t quite remember what it had been. Some foreign muck, he supposed. It wasn\u2019t often Pa let him have a drink!<\/p>\n \u201cJust keep Joe off the polque!\u201d Adam advised. He still hadn\u2019t quite got over the shock of Joe\u2019s elder half-brother Clay producing this noxious brew in First<\/em> Born<\/em>. Especially as they drunk the entire demi-john in one evening, leaving none for him! As the well-traveled, sophisticated one of the family, Adam rather resented this oversight.<\/p>\n \u201cI\u2019ll go an\u2019 check up on the extra mattresses, shall I?\u201d Hoss inquired. These were another staple of fan-fic. Whenever a major accident occurred within driving range of the Ponderosa, out came the wagon, loaded up with handy mattresses, which cunningly materialized out of the very ether. In actual fact, they were kept in the bunk-house, which meant there wasn\u2019t too much space for the actual ranch hands. But as no more than two or three ever made more than the most casual and fleeting appearance in the show, this was not a total catastrophe.<\/p>\n Ben nodded his thanks and sat down in his fireside chair, as Hop Sing popped out of the kitchen. Quite how he kept warm and cozy while wearing only light silk garments was anyone\u2019s guess.<\/p>\n \u201cI\u2019ll start hemming up some extra cloths, for mopping down fevered bodies, shall I?\u201d he enquired, giving Joe a penetrating look. He did seem to develop a dramatic and life-threatening temperature whenever a bullet came within 6 feet of him.<\/p>\n \u201cBest make sure we\u2019ve got enough chamber pots too,\u201d sighed Ben. He\u2019d ordered a new batch in fuzzy red transfer print, to match the dining room china.<\/p>\n Hop Sing nodded happily and sloped off back to the kitchen, humming the Eton Boating Song under his breath.<\/p>\n Paw bear shuffled forward and handed Ben a large tub of Doc Martin\u2019s Wonder Salve TM with a suitably grave gesture. This magnificent remedy surely deserved its own credits, ensuring that the Cartwrights emerged from any mishap without a scratch on them. Why, even when Adam guddled around in Joe\u2019s shoulder in My Brother\u2019s Keeper<\/em> with no more that a potato peeler and a pair of sugar tongs, the boy was restored to his golden-glory by the very next episode. Paw was determined to ensure the viewers would not be disappointed!<\/p>\n \u201cWhere are you going to put all the brandy barrels?\u201d the redhead asked. She wasn\u2019t averse to a little nip of brandy occasionally, but her usual tipple was red wine, just like her sister, and Ben wished he\u2019d never shown them where the wine cellar was!<\/p>\n \u201cAre you going to make a little barrel for fitting around Cochise\u2019 neck?\u201d asked the blonde. \u201cYou know, like the ones the St Bernard\u2019s wear?\u201d<\/p>\n \u201cYou could attach it to a breast plate, or a neck strap,\u201d the redhead informed him knowledgably. Ben did so hate when she talked about things he didn\u2019t understand.<\/p>\n \u201cI could?\u201d he asked, confused.<\/p>\n \u201cI don\u2019t think we need to go to quite that length,\u201d Adam told her.<\/p>\n \u201cYou could have one, too,\u201d the redhead replied earnestly. \u201cAfter all, Sport does wear that breast plate.\u201d<\/p>\n Adam could see numerous advantages in riding a horse with its own built-in liquor supply, so he readily agreed to kitting Sport out with a brandy barrel too. By mutual agreement, they decided that Buck normally looked as if he had been over-indulging in the hard-stuff, so it was probably better not to put temptation literally under his nose.<\/p>\n \u201cUnderwear!\u201d Ben said suddenly. \u201cWe need to make sure you boys have lots of long johns and undershirts to keep you warm!\u201d He cast a hard look at Joe, who had a tendency to ride around in his shirt sleeves, while Adam was bundled up in his custard-colored coat.<\/p>\n \u201cBut not in girly-pink this time!\u201d pleaded Joe. How embarrassed he was when he realized he\u2019d been sitting out in the rain, talking to Miss Dobbs in a pale-pink, long-sleeved undershirt in The Stillness Within<\/em>. Luckily, they were both blind at the time\u2026<\/p>\n Adam ignored this conversation, for he had no need of an undershirt; his lovely furry chest did that quite well all on its own.<\/p>\n \u201cHow about some nice black leather gloves?\u201d suggested the blonde, twinkling merrily at Joe. His slender, supple hands looked so divine in those gloves.<\/p>\n \u201cI did like those gloves you had in The Other Son<\/em>,\u201d the redhead remarked. \u201cWith the little buckle detail on the cuff. Very fetching.\u201d She had one of Joe\u2019s hands in hers and was examining his beautiful, clean, unbitten fingernails with great attention. She had rather a thing about Joe\u2019s hands.<\/p>\n Joe sighed, for life was very sweet right then. The blonde had one of his bare feet on her lap and was wiggling his little curly pink toes back and forwards. She had rather a thing about his feet. How fortunate that his two favorite girls had different favorite parts of him to love. How nicely they shared him!<\/p>\n \u201cHow about some new nightshirts?\u201d suggested the blonde, rather absently. \u201cSurely Hoss could do with one that\u2019s not made from a tablecloth?\u201d<\/p>\n \u201cAnd that stripy number you wore in The Spitfire<\/em> was horrid,\u201d the redhead informed Adam.<\/p>\n \u201cWe all make mistakes,\u201d he replied, stiffly. \u201cAnd I don\u2019t really need a nightshirt. I can keep warm quite easily.\u201d The redhead gave him a hard look, as she could never keep an even body temperature. Paw shot her a smug look, for his shaggy fur coat kept him beautifully cozy.<\/p>\n Of course, as Joe spent every third or fourth episode with a nasty maim, which necessitated him wearing only bandages (much to the viewers\u2019 delight), it was debatable if he needed too many nightshirts either.<\/p>\n \u201cHow about some new slippers?\u201d mused Ben. \u201cI can\u2019t quite recall where the ones Cousin Clarissa gave us have gone to.\u201d<\/p>\n Paw and the blonde exchanged guilty looks, for he had gnawed them to pieces while indulging in a bout of teething. Not that the Cartwrights had ever been seen in slippers, generally preferring to accessorize their nightshirts with a pair of cowboy boots, as seen in Hoss and the Leprechauns<\/em>. There was something incredibly alluring about Joe in this garb, thought the sisters.<\/p>\n Ben looked down at the long list in his hand. This was going to be terribly expensive, he thought unhappily. Still, there was one good thing \u2013 at least he had wisely insisted that his sons always wore the same outfits and were thus impervious to any passing fashion trends! And once he\u2019d persuaded Adam to stop wasting good material by having turn-ups on his jeans, that had been another few pennies saved. Ben had invested this money in a natty black silk sling, which was passed to whichever member of the family was maimed at the time. There was even enough money for him to have a black eye patch made too, which Ben modeled in Her Brother\u2019s Keeper<\/em> to great piratical effect. He was unaware that it had since made its way into Paw\u2019s dressing-up box\u2026<\/p>\n Still, he loved his boys dearly and it would be worth the money. After all, it was always wise to be prepared for all eventualities. Especially when one lived on the Ponderosa, where nothing was quite as it seemed.<\/p>\n <\/p>\n *****End*****<\/p>\n <\/p>\n <\/p>\n