Summary: \u00a0As a follow-up to A Spoof for Stephen \u2013 or Bonanza for Beginners \u2013 here is the next installment in Stephen\u2019s Bonanza education.<\/p>\n
Rated: K+ \u00a0WC \u00a02200<\/p>\n
Bonanza for Beginners Series:<\/strong><\/p>\n A Spoof for Stephen<\/a> Bonanza – A Guide<\/strong><\/p>\n Being the second instalment of the Giggly Sisters\u2019 unique guide to life on the Ponderosa, which began with A Spoof for Stephen<\/em>.)<\/p>\n After watching Bonanza for several months, Stephen felt he was beginning to understand the dynamics of the Cartwrights family. However, there were several things which still confused him. The Giggly Sisters decided it was time to sort out a few little misconceptions.<\/p>\n \u201cJoe\u2019s bedroom is fugitive,\u201d the blonde explained. Stephen looked blank and she took pity upon him. \u201cIt\u2019s never the same from one episode to another,\u201d she explained. Now that he thought about it, Stephen began to see what she meant. The room changed appearance with dizzying regularity. In its earliest incarnations, it was sparsely furnished, with rough cast wall and a wooden ceiling (for further details, readers are advised to view The Truckee Strip<\/em>. You will note that, at this stage in its embryonic career, the bedroom door was located towards the north-west corner of your television set.) Later series showed Joe as the proud possessor of a much larger and considerably more luxurious room, complete with 66% or two thirds of a three piece suite, as well as a desk and other assorted extras, including the horse statue that used to grace the sofa table downstairs.<\/p>\n \u201cWas Joe an undisclosed kleptomaniac?\u201d Stephen asked. The redhead shook her head.<\/p>\n \u201cThat\u2019s known only to a select few. Namely Joe, the set dressers and The Creator.\u201d<\/p>\n \u201cMr Dortort,\u201d amplified the blonde. \u201cOr DeeDee, as he\u2019s known to his nearest and dearest.\u201d<\/p>\n \u201cHow come your bed\u2019s so short in My Brother\u2019s Keeper<\/em>?\u201d he asked. (Viewers with a geographical bent will be interested to note that in this episode the door is now located to the east of your television set. Or the west, if you live in Australia.)<\/p>\n \u201cBeats me,\u201d Joe replied. \u201cI was so busy trying not to look at the picture of the scary Indian, that I just kept my eyes tight shut. Mind you, it seemed to escape Adam\u2019s notice that my feet were hanging clear off the end of the bed.\u201d<\/p>\n \u201cI was racked with guilt,\u201d Adam explained in sepulchraic tones. \u201cAfter mistaking you for a wolf, and nearly killing you, I had to reconsider my entire raison d\u2019etre.\u201d<\/p>\n \u201cHe quoted lots of Thoreau in dramatic tones,\u201d the blonde explained. Her philosophy degree came in very handy at times like these.<\/p>\n The third major evolution of Joe\u2019s bedroom saw the appearance of a fireplace, an exciting development, which finally banished the imminent danger of frostbite during the winter months. Obviously, money was in short supply at this point, for there was a distinct lack of mantelpiece, as eagle-eyed viewers of The Stillness Within<\/em> can attest to. And, just in case you were curious, the door had now relocated itself to far left of the screen (due west, if you are of a nautical bent.)<\/p>\n A faint chime rang out. \u201cTime for tea!\u201d Joe announced brightly and bounded downstairs.<\/p>\n \u201cI can only remember that clock chiming once,\u201d Stephen observed.<\/p>\n \u201cYes, in Matter of Circumstance<\/em>,\u201d agreed the redhead. \u201cI seem to have the impression that it chimed in another episode, but I can\u2019t seem to bring to mind which one it was.\u201d She knew this would irritate her and she\u2019d need to sit down and watch all her tapes again \u2013 purely in the name of research, you understand.<\/p>\n \u201cAt least the living room never changes,\u201d Stephen noticed.<\/p>\n \u201cAh, but it does,\u201d Joe remarked, sorrowfully. \u201cIn the beginning, I didn\u2019t have a seat at all. The round table from the foot of the stairs was in front of the fire, and the scabby pink velvet chair that sometimes sits by the clock was where the sofa is now.\u201d Joe cast a jaundiced eye at the sofa. It was hideously uncomfortable, and yet the family kept insisting on dumping him on it when he had been maimed. It was a wonder he\u2019d survived!<\/p>\n Stephen peered at the pink velvet chair and wondered why it wasn\u2019t blue, like the other one. \u201cWell, the study is the same,\u201d he said, rather desperately, it must be admitted.<\/p>\n \u201cThe same as when?\u201d asked Ben, who was working at the desk. \u201cThe window and the bookcase have just changed sides again.\u201d He shook his head, and looked with disgust at the bookcase, which had decided to move onto the wall to the yard, so he could no longer look out of the window.<\/p>\n \u201cAnd the Indian rug is now hanging on the banister, instead of the landing railing,\u201d the redhead noted. It didn\u2019t do this very often, but it did like a change of scenery, which is why it sometimes disappeared.<\/p>\n \u201cIt\u2019s a blanket,\u201d Stephen said, with authority.<\/p>\n \u201cNo,\u201d replied the blonde, with considerably more authority in her tone. Well, she had had more practice. \u201cIt\u2019s a rug. Would you really like that tucked over you if you\u2019d been maimed?\u201d<\/p>\n Hanging over the banister, the Indian rug wished more people were as perceptive as the Giggly Sisters. It sometimes even lay on the floor, just for them, so that they had a nice warm seat when playing with Paw, the sisters\u2019 pet bear.<\/p>\n \u201cWhy am I not allowed in the downstairs bedroom?\u201d Stephen wanted to know next.<\/p>\n \u201cDon\u2019t even think about going in there!\u201d Ben warned, in sonorous tones. He had an exceptionally clear speaking voice: deep and resonant, with beautiful enunciation. There was just one small problem: it was very loud indeed, which was why Joe tried to grow his hair down over his ears, in order to provide a little DIY sound-proofing. Sadly, they stuck out just a smidgeon too far for this to be wholly successful.<\/p>\n \u201cWhy not?\u201d Stephen was very curious about the downstairs bedroom. It looked very small and pokey from the outside, stuck inconveniently between the dining room and the kitchen, but he had heard tales that it was much more spacious on the inside.<\/p>\n \u201cLook at the previous inhabitants!\u201d the redhead advised, as poor little Paw cowered pitifully beside her. \u201cFirst of all there was Tirza\u2026\u201d<\/p>\n \u201cDark Star<\/em>. Completely bonkers,\u201d the blonde added sotto voce.<\/p>\n \u201cThen there was Clay\u2026\u201d<\/p>\n \u201cFirst Born<\/em>, Joe\u2019s half brother and a complete ne\u2019er do well,\u201d she added.<\/p>\n The redhead glared at her sister and continued. \u201cBut of course, poor paralysed Johnny Lightly in The Horsebreaker<\/em> just slept on a campbed in the living room. Mind you, he was a good guy.\u201d<\/p>\n Stephen picked up an apple from the unfeasibly large fruit bowl that dominated the vast coffee table. There were never less than two dozen apples on display and although Joe made a valiant effort to eat them, no other member of the family ever seemed concerned that their vitamin C intake was not quite up to scratch.<\/p>\n \u201cI could fair go a cup of coffee,\u201d he said meaningfully and Hop Sing bustled in, dead on cue once again. Despite years of faithful service, it still rankled that he\u2019d never made it to the opening credits, whereas the Dreaded Jamie breezed straight in, despite being abhorred by fans across the continents.<\/p>\n \u201cDid you know that you can tell the date of the episode fairly accurately, just by looking at the coffee pot?\u201d the blonde enquired. Ben shook his head in astonishment.<\/p>\n \u201cIt\u2019s true,\u201d Joe affirmed. \u201cLook at Showdown<\/em> \u2013 it\u2019s almost pure white there, but by the time we got to The Stillness Within<\/em>, it was beige-coloured.\u201d<\/p>\n \u201cHow can you possibly know that?\u201d Adam protested. \u201cYou were blind!\u201d<\/p>\n \u201cBut still gorgeous!\u201d the sisters chorused. They were deeply impressed by the fact that no matter what traumas were thrown at Joe, his hair remained as gloriously curly as ever.<\/p>\n \u201cBesides,\u201d Joe replied, with great dignity, \u201cPa told me so!\u201d He looked at Adam sorrowfully. \u201cWhy didn\u2019t you write to me when I was blind?\u201d<\/p>\n Grinding his teeth, Adam didn\u2019t reply. He felt this topic of conversation was becoming almost as wearing as Joe claiming he\u2019d shot him accidentally-on-purpose in MBK<\/em>. Everyone knew it was an accident!<\/p>\n \u201cI was busy,\u201d he said. \u201cI left my custard-coloured coat behind after series 6 and it was absolutely freezing in Europe. I got rather a nice chamois-leather jacket in Germany and a lovely sheepskin coat in Scotland.\u201d<\/p>\n \u201cI\u2019ve noticed that at least one of you always goes out without a coat,\u201d Stephen added. \u201cIn MBK, Adam\u2019s got the custard-coloured coat buttoned up to the neck, while Joe\u2019s sauntering around in his shirtsleeves!\u201d<\/p>\n \u201cI\u2019m manly!\u201d Joe said modestly. \u201cNo need to cover up my charms.\u201d<\/p>\n The blonde decided it was probably time to change the subject. \u201cWhere\u2019s the bunkhouse today?\u201d she asked brightly. Ben flushed and studied the floor with great interest. It was nicely polished today, indicating a mid-series episode, for in the early days, Hop Sing\u2019s housekeeping skills left a lot to be desired.<\/p>\n \u201cIt seems to have gone on one of its merry jaunts again,\u201d he confessed. Many viewers had often wondered why there were so few ranch hands in evidence during most episodes, but the reason was simple: they were relaxing in the bunkhouse when it embarked on another of its disappearing acts. However, it was just a touch embarrassing to have to admit to this in company.<\/p>\n \u201cIt\u2019s amazing the number of places it decides to visit when it is here,\u201d remarked the redhead brightly. \u201cWhy, in Abigail Jones<\/em> it\u2019s beside the corral. In She<\/em> Walks in Beauty<\/em>, it\u2019s against the right hand side of the house, with a connecting door, no less. And in Showdown<\/em> it\u2019s on the other side altogether!\u201d<\/p>\n \u201cAnd in Dark Past<\/em> and The Underdog<\/em>, it\u2019s cozying up to the barn,\u201d added the blonde.<\/p>\n \u201cSmall wonder Candy decided to live in the house with you,\u201d the redhead concluded. \u201cMuch safer all round.\u201d<\/p>\n By now, Stephen was beginning to feel a little dizzy at the thought of the barn perambulating, and Joe\u2019s bedroom moving all the time. \u201cHow do you keep track of it all?\u201d he asked.<\/p>\n \u201cSimple,\u201d Hoss replied. He was chomping on a chicken leg and the others wondered if Hop Sing had neglected to call them for supper because Hoss had eaten it all already. He beamed at Stephen. \u201cWe rely on continuity!\u201d<\/p>\n The Giggly Sisters tried not to laugh too hysterically. Attentive viewers will recall that was never mention of Continuity in the closing credits. Adam sighed and pinched the bridge of his nose.<\/p>\n \u201cIt\u2019s perfectly obvious,\u201d he began. \u201cObviously, we have to employ numerous ranch hands on a spread this size. After all, just think of all the times we\u2019re away from home for days at a time \u2013 The Gift, Twilight Town, Death at Dawn, The Crucible<\/em>\u2026 Obviously, someone has to do the work around here. But then, when we don\u2019t need the hands, we just pop them in the bunkhouse and it spirits them off. Saves us a fortune on wages.\u201d<\/p>\n \u201cAdam designed the bunkhouse,\u201d Joe whispered and the sisters looked at the eldest Cartwright with renewed admiration.<\/p>\n \u201cVery innovative,\u201d commented the blonde.<\/p>\n \u201cNot to mention imaginative,\u201d the redhead added.<\/p>\n \u201cIs the moving bunkhouse related to the moving stairs?\u201d Hoss enquired. This feature confused him \u2013 one day there was an awkward space at the side of the stairs, the next it was gone.<\/p>\n \u201cThat was a prototype,\u201d Adam admitted.<\/p>\n Stephen strolled over to examine the stairs more closely, but got distracted by the large array of rifles in the gun racks. \u201cWhy do you have so many guns?\u201d<\/p>\n \u201cBirthday presents!\u201d Adam, Hoss and Joe chorused. Guns featured heavily at birthdays and Christmas, which rather dissipated the element of surprise. There really was very little you could do to disguise a rifle, no matter how many bows and ribbons you used.<\/p>\n \u201cI had to replenish the racks after The Deadly Ones<\/em>,\u201d Ben explained, with great dignity. \u201cAll those Mexicans ran off with my guns!\u201d<\/p>\n There was much rolling of eyes at this, for everyone knew that Ben had managed to kill most of the Mexicans singled handed, while keeping an eye on the badly wounded Joe. His talents were myriad. Stephen was looking at him with undisguised admiration.<\/p>\n \u201cI don\u2019t know how you do it,\u201d he admitted. \u201cI\u2019m a tad confused.\u201d<\/p>\n Ben patted the youth on the shoulder. \u201cThere is a trick to living here,\u201d he whispered. Stephen wondered if there was a deaf old lady at the North or South Pole that didn\u2019t hear him; Ben had a loud voice, it has to be said.<\/p>\n \u201cWhat\u2019s that?\u201d Stephen asked, waiting breathlessly for the answer.<\/p>\n \u201cJust remember that it\u2019s better not to ask!\u201d chorused the sisters.<\/p>\n Adam smiled sardonically: for once he totally agreed with the girls! Now, if only they\u2019d move out and take that infernal bear with them, life on the Ponderosa would be just perfect\u2026<\/p>\n <\/p>\n *****End******<\/p>\n
\nA Guide<\/a><\/p>\n