Summary: \u00a0Preparing for Christmas is a time consuming job, especially if you are a Cartwright.<\/p>\n
Rated: K+ \u00a0WC 2500<\/p>\n
Christmas is Coming<\/strong><\/p>\n The first fall of snow was blanketing the Ponderosa, coating the trees with soft, powdering snow, while long icicles hung from the roof of the ranch house.<\/p>\n <\/p>\n \u201cWe\u2019d better start making preparations for Christmas,\u201d Ben announced one morning. \u201cYou boys had better go up to the attic and hunt out all the decorations.\u201d<\/p>\n <\/p>\n \u201cWe\u2019ve got an attic?\u201d Adam asked in amazement. After all, he\u2019d designed the house and he couldn\u2019t remember putting in an attic. Then again, now he came to think about it, he was still unsure why Joe\u2019s bedroom kept moving and changing shape, or why there was sometimes an inconvenient gap at the side of the stairs. However, this was hardly Adam’s fault, for according to the accepted chronology he had been no more than eleven years old at the time.<\/p>\n <\/p>\n Before Ben could answer, there was an icy gust of wind that whipped around the entire ground floor and Hoss came in, followed by a minor snowdrift. Hop Sing came beetling out of the kitchen and surveyed the mess with disgust.<\/p>\n <\/p>\n \u201cNext time you design a house, sonny, remember to put in a hallway! They\u2019re there for a good reason!\u201d Adam cringed visibly. It was probably a good thing that he had abandoned architecture for ranching.<\/p>\n <\/p>\n The blonde decided it was time to change the conversation. \u201dIt\u2019ll be Paw\u2019s first Christmas!\u201d she announced proudly. \u201cHow lovely to have Christmas with a baby in the house!\u201d<\/p>\n <\/p>\n \u201cI\u2019ve been stitching a lovely stocking for him to hang up!\u201d the redhead confessed. \u201cBut he\u2019ll have to send his letter to Santa first.\u201d She took the little bear by the paw and lead him over to the fireplace, where she carefully held a letter above the flames and then let the hot air waft it up the chimney. \u201cThere now! The fairy sitting on top of the chimney will take that to Santa for you.\u201d<\/p>\n <\/p>\n Paw looked ecstatic, Joe and the blonde looked entranced and Adam looked as if he would really rather not have a furry nephew. What on earth did one get a bear for Christmas anyway?<\/p>\n <\/p>\n \u201cDo you think Paw\u2019s old enough to go to Midnight mass?\u201d asked the blonde and the Cartwrights nearly fell off their chairs with shock.<\/p>\n <\/p>\n Joe recovered his composure first. \u201cWe go to a non-denominational church,\u201d he explained. \u201cOf course, no such thing actually exists, either then or now, but we don\u2019t want to offend the viewers, do we?\u201d<\/p>\n <\/p>\n \u201cHow could anyone be offended?\u201d the redhead wanted to know but she just received blank looks in return. After all, this was the family that had quite happily buried Catholic Marie in unconsecrated ground and found nothing unusual about that at all.<\/p>\n <\/p>\n \u201cWhat would you like for Christmas?\u201d The blonde smiled charmingly at Ben, who sat up just a little straighter in his chair.<\/p>\n <\/p>\n \u201cWell, not another horse, that\u2019s for sure!\u201d Why did his boys insist on giving him horses as presents? He had a hard enough job with Buck, even when the creature was sedated courtesy of Doc Martin, but he certainly didn\u2019t want another horse. His three sons looked mortally offended, especially Joe, who had nearly died trying to deliver an incredibly ugly white horse to his father as a birthday present in The Gift<\/em>. And then it turned out that Pa was quite happy just cuddling Joe and didn’t want anything else! How much trouble could have been saved if only he’d said that in the first place.<\/p>\n <\/p>\n \u201cHow about a nice rifle then?\u201d suggested the redhead. After all, this did seem to be Ben\u2019s gift of choice to his sons. For some unexplained reason, he didn\u2019t seem to realize that the gun racks were stuffed to the gunnels already.<\/p>\n <\/p>\n \u201cBut rifles are so hard to disguise and you can always tell what the gift is, no matter how many little bows you use!\u201d Ben complained, not quite realizing this was the pot calling the kettle black.<\/p>\n <\/p>\n \u201cWe could see if we could get a Santa hat to brighten up those horns above the fireplace?\u201d the blonde ventured. After all, they did tend to dominate the room and they weren\u2019t the most attractive piece of d\u00e9cor she\u2019d ever seen. She smiled winningly at Hoss, who blushed. \u201cYou had a lovely one in Gabrielle<\/em>, Hoss.\u201d<\/p>\n <\/p>\n \u201cAw, shucks,\u201d Hoss muttered. \u201cWeren\u2019t little Gabrielle jist the cutest thing you ever saw?\u201d<\/p>\n <\/p>\n \u201cWhat about a nice cardi?\u201d the redhead suggested to Ben. She hated the things with a vengeance, and both girls had been vetoing Joe\u2019s attempts to buy himself one, but it seemed more fitting for Ben\u2019s age group. And besides, it was decidedly drafty in the Ponderosa and a cardi would keep him warm.<\/p>\n <\/p>\n \u201cThermal underwear?\u201d suggested the blonde.<\/p>\n <\/p>\n \u201cA new waistcoat?\u201d added the redhead. Boy, they were on a roll now! \u201cComplete with conchos, of course.\u201d<\/p>\n <\/p>\n \u201cA waistcoat?\u201d Ben echoed. \u201cMy dear, we more properly call them vests.\u201d<\/p>\n <\/p>\n \u201cIn Scotland, you wear a vest under your shirt,\u201d the redhead told him. \u201cNot over it!\u201d<\/p>\n <\/p>\n \u201cThere\u2019s always a new saddle,\u201d Joe interjected. \u201cThat\u2019s useful.\u201d<\/p>\n <\/p>\n \u201cNot if you don\u2019t like riding!\u201d Ben thought darkly. \u201cI think I\u2019d quite like a new vest,\u201d he said tentatively. \u201cAfter all, I\u2019ve had my silver brocade vest since season one.\u201d<\/p>\n <\/p>\n \u201cYou do look lovely in it, though!\u201d flattered the blonde, batting her eyelashes like mad. \u201cBut perhaps a new vest would be nice \u2013 maybe shot through with gold or bronze?\u201d<\/p>\n <\/p>\n Ben smiled happily at her. \u201cQuite right! And maybe even a new string tie to match!\u201d Of course, he really should get a new suit too \u2013 his best suit had never been the same since the time Hoss insisted on trying to squeeze into it for his violin recital during Maestro Hoss<\/em>.<\/p>\n <\/p>\n \u201cI\u2019d like a new winter coat!\u201d Hoss said firmly. \u201cAdam and Joe both have decent coats, but mine all look like reconstituted horse blankets and it ain’t fair!\u201d<\/p>\n <\/p>\n The sisters made a note of this and looked enquiringly at Adam.<\/p>\n <\/p>\n \u201cAn illustrated edition of the complete works of Shakespeare?\u201d suggested the redhead.<\/p>\n <\/p>\n Adam shook his head. \u201cGot one already,\u201d he said apologetically.<\/p>\n <\/p>\n \u201cA shirt in a nice, bright, cheery shade?\u201d the blonde enquired.<\/p>\n <\/p>\n \u201cWore one in the first season, but it didn\u2019t quite convey the impression that I am the dark, brooding, thoughtful son.\u201d<\/p>\n <\/p>\n Joe looked perplexed. \u201cWhat on earth do my pants say about me?\u201d<\/p>\n <\/p>\n \u201cEverything that\u2019s necessary!\u201d the sisters assured him.<\/p>\n <\/p>\n Hop Sing shuffled ostentatiously into the room, hoping desperately someone would ask him what he would like for a present, as he was fed up with wearing the same silk jammies week after week. He never seemed to get a present, which wasn\u2019t very fair. It didn\u2019t matter to him that he didn\u2019t celebrate Christmas per se; a present would be nice to show he was remembered and being thought of. Little did he know that the sisters had bought him some slippers in the right size, so that he made less noise as he slipped around the place. They had included some nice dusters and floor polish, too, as a subtle hint that the housework needed seeing to.<\/p>\n <\/p>\n \u201cA complete works of Dickens?\u201d suggested the redhead. \u201cAll the Waverly novels?\u201d<\/p>\n <\/p>\n \u201cGot them,\u201d Adam mourned.<\/p>\n <\/p>\n \u201cSinging lessons?\u201d Joe murmured, quite audibly. Adam threw him a black look which Joe pretended he didn\u2019t see. \u201cWell, what would you like?\u201d Joe demanded, fed up of suggesting things that Adam vetoed.<\/p>\n <\/p>\n \u201cI shouldn\u2019t have to suggest Christmas presents,\u201d Adam told him. \u201cYou should know instinctively what to get me.\u201d<\/p>\n <\/p>\n \u201cWe just suggested a whole pile of nice things and you turned them all down!\u201d the blonde exclaimed. Perhaps he would like a nice purple Barbie unicorn, like Elen wanted\u2026? He certainly wouldn\u2019t get one from anybody else! She still couldn\u2019t quite work out how she\u2019d been conned into that one, but one thing was sure, Paw certainly wasn\u2019t getting any nasty tat like that! Some nice wooden building blocks, perhaps, or some lead soldiers or\u2026 Suddenly, she realized that she had the very idea!<\/p>\n <\/p>\n \u201cJoe!\u201d she caroled delightfully! \u201cI\u2019ve seen both you and Adam playing with dollies! It\u2019s nice to see you\u2019re in touch with your feminine sides! Do you think that would be a good pressie for Paw?\u201d<\/p>\n The brothers exchanged grim glances. \u201cMy dolly belonged to a little girl!\u201d Adam explained, through gritted teeth. He\u2019d often longed for a dolly of his own, but first Inger and then Marie had thought that a baby brother would fill that gap nicely. It just wasn\u2019t the same though. Babies tended to squeak at an alarming volume if you casually swung them by their ears. Adam cast a guilty glimpse at Joe: the boy did wonders with his hairstyle, but there was no doubt that his ears stuck out!<\/p>\n <\/p>\n \u201cI gave that doll as a present to a poor, lonely girl,\u201d Joe explained and then looked across at the redhead and grinned broadly. \u201cIts hair was almost as red as yours!\u201d<\/p>\n <\/p>\n Ben was still ruminating over his vest. \u201cDo you think conchos are appropriate on an evening vest?\u201d<\/p>\n <\/p>\n \u201cWell, it depends,\u201d began the blonde, for she was a tactful soul.<\/p>\n <\/p>\n \u201cWhat exactly are conchos for?\u201d asked the redhead, who was rather more direct.<\/p>\n <\/p>\n \u201cThey match Buck\u2019s outrageously camp bridle,\u201d Ben began and then broke into a broad smile. \u201cAnd they come in jolly handy for levering off bottle tops!\u201d<\/p>\n <\/p>\n \u201cHow come we don\u2019t celebrate Christmas every year?\u201d Hoss was wrinkling his brow in perplextion.<\/p>\n <\/p>\n \u201cBecause there still aren\u2019t calendars out here?\u201d Joe suggested weakly. “We do live on the fringes of civilization, even if we do appear to have an extensive and inexhaustible wine cellar!”<\/p>\n <\/p>\n \u201cNo calendars! I bet that plumb confuses the viewers!\u201d<\/p>\n <\/p>\n \u201cNot to mention the fact that winters in the High Sierras only seem to last for a couple of weeks!\u201d the blonde added. She\u2019d personally visited Lake Tahoe in October and could attest to the fact that the motor boats appeared to have been shrink-wrapped in thick, blue plastic to protect them from the extreme temperatures. However, no viewers appeared to have noticed that the seasons were dictated by the more temperate southern California climate.<\/p>\n <\/p>\n Joe gave her a reproachful look. \u201cWould you really want all my boyish charms swaddled in several layers of wool?\u201d he asked gently. It all became clear \u2013 that was why Adam had his coat firmly buttoned in the opening scenes of My Brother\u2019s Keeper<\/em>, whereas Joe rode jauntily along in his shirtsleeves. Things were definitely autumnal, but the viewers wanted to see Joe\u2019s shirt unbuttoned and admire his slinky hips. They couldn\u2019t do that when he had his winter coat on, even if it was the nice sheepskin one from The Other Son<\/em>. The hideous blue-checked one from Escape to Ponderosa<\/em> was better forgotten.<\/p>\n <\/p>\n \u201cYou\u2019re quite right,\u201d the blonde agreed. \u201cIt wouldn\u2019t do at all.\u201d<\/p>\n <\/p>\n \u201cAh, if only Scottish winters were so obliging,\u201d muttered the redhead, thinking of the hours she spent scraping frost and snow off the car. At least horses didn\u2019t need to be de-iced all that often.<\/p>\n <\/p>\n Gritting his teeth, Ben asked, \u201cWhat would you girls like for Christmas?\u201d he still lived in the hope that they would fall heir to the Curse of the Cartwrights, but he had yet to see them in any kind of ordinary dress, never mind a blue one and after being in residence for 11 months, it seemed a forlorn hope.<\/p>\n <\/p>\n Smiling the girls chorused, \u201cWe have what we want for Christmas \u2013 Joe.\u201d<\/p>\n <\/p>\n Ben gave Joe an appraising look. He was definitely the smallest and slimmest of the Cartwright boys, but even so, gift-wrapping him would be a nightmare. Especially when it came to his ears. Observant viewers will have noted that Joe had one teeny, tiny little flaw, namely his ears, which were ever so slightly sticky-out. Perhaps he could find a stocking large enough to pop the dear boy into?<\/p>\n <\/p>\n Hoss decided that it was time to move the conversation onto more important matters. “What are we having for Christmas dinner?”<\/p>\n <\/p>\n “How about a nice roast goose?” Adam suggested. His pillows were getting rather thin and some extra goose feathers would plump them up a treat.<\/p>\n <\/p>\n “Splendid idea!” Ben agreed. “And we’re nearly out of goose-grease for rubbing on Joe’s chest when he gets a cold!”<\/p>\n <\/p>\n Hoss looked mutinous. “How come me an’ Adam don’t get goose-grease rubbed into our chests too?”<\/p>\n <\/p>\n “Think about it Hoss – the goose-grease would matt all the hairs on our chests together!” chided his brother. Unlike Joe, the two elder Cartwright sons had marvelously furry chests, which provided them with their own thermal heating. It saved Ben a fortune, as he didn’t need to heat their bedrooms in winter. In fact, the insulating properties of Adam’s hairy chest were so great that he often didn’t need to wear a pajama jacket. A fact that got his fans very over-excited.<\/p>\n <\/p>\n \u201cAnd are you having Christmas pudding and trifle for afters?\u201d asked the redhead. She personally hated Christmas pud, but trifle suited her quite well. \u201cOr even ice-cream.\u201d<\/p>\n <\/p>\n By now, Hoss was drooling freely. \u201cAnd mince pies, too,\u201d he added. \u201cAnd cranberry sauce, brussel sprouts, mashed potatoes, roast potatoes, peas and carrots.\u201d He sighed in bliss. \u201cCan we have a trial run?\u201d he asked.<\/p>\n <\/p>\n In the background, Hop Sing sighed. He\u2019d been hoping to do something less time-consuming this year. These huge meals took so much cooking! Perhaps Number Seven cousin might have a take-away restaurant open in Virginia City by this time next year!<\/p>\n <\/p>\n “And what about your own Christmas shopping?” Ben enquired, patting the blonde on the knee. “What are you buying for all your friends?”<\/p>\n <\/p>\n “All done!” she announced happily. “We found the ideal present for everyone!”<\/p>\n <\/p>\n The redhead grinned broadly. “A subscription to Bonanza Gold for each of them – a whole year’s worth of the Cartwrights – what more could anyone want?”<\/p>\n <\/p>\n There were times that Ben was almost reconciled to the presence of the Giggly Sisters on the Ponderosa. Nevertheless, he vowed to make sure he bought a small barrel of brandy to see him through the festive period, for medicinal purposes only, of course!<\/p>\n <\/p>\n \u201cAfter the shopping is complete, there\u2019s only one thing left to do,\u201d the redhead announced.<\/p>\n <\/p>\n \u201cWhat\u2019s that?\u201d Ben asked, wondering if he should have let someone else do the asking.<\/p>\n <\/p>\n \u201cWhy, plan our New Year\u2019s party, of course!\u201d she replied.<\/p>\n <\/p>\n Ben fixed her with a beady glare: “Have you ever heard of too much of a good thing?” he asked testily. The Giggly Sisters smiled beatifically as they gazed at the perfection that was Joe.<\/p>\n <\/p>\n “Never!” the blonde assured him fervently.<\/p>\n The End<\/p>\n