{"id":1507,"date":"2009-07-25T14:10:35","date_gmt":"2009-07-25T18:10:35","guid":{"rendered":"https:\/\/bonanzabrand.info\/library\/?p=1507"},"modified":"2026-07-29T11:39:26","modified_gmt":"2026-07-29T15:39:26","slug":"confusion","status":"publish","type":"post","link":"https:\/\/bonanzabrand.info\/library\/?p=1507","title":{"rendered":"Confusion (by the Giggly Sisters)"},"content":{"rendered":"

Summary: \u00a0<\/span>Ever wondered exactly why\u00a0 Joe gets maimed on such a regular basis? The Giggly Sisters explain all.<\/p>\n

Rated:<\/span> T \u00a0WC \u00a02400<\/p>\n

Confusion<\/strong><\/p>\n

After reading Jules\u2019 tribute to life on the Ponderosa, we wondered what real-life impact would be on the Cartwrights.\u00a0 Here is our interpretation <\/em><\/p>\n

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\u00a0<\/em><\/p>\n

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Something was very badly wrong on the Ponderosa. Joe\u2019s bedroom had remained in the same location for several days now and even the bed had stopped switching positions in the middle of the night. Adam had learned several new songs, so that the familiar strains of his unique renditions of those perennial favorites, Sweet Betsy from Pike<\/em> and Early One Morning,<\/em> no longer echoed around the living room, permeating every square inch of the house. Ben\u2019s favorite aubergine shirt had faded to a becoming shade of pale pink, when Hop Sing was busy playing cat\u2019s cradles with Paw, the Giggly Sister\u2019s pet bear, instead of keeping an eye on the laundry. This color change proved so upsetting to Ben that he actually paid Paul Martin\u2019s latest bill without batting an eyelid.<\/p>\n

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Consequently, the Cartwrights were now facing an uncertain future. Paul had cannily included the costs of his many years of devoted service tending to all the many and varied injuries sustained by the Cartwright family and Ben unthinkingly paid up without a murmur. As over 15 years had passed without a single bank note ever being seen to have changed hands in exchange for Paul\u2019s devoted ministrations, this amounted to an astronomical amount of money and bankruptcy seemed just around the corner.<\/p>\n

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\u201cWe\u2019ll have to tighten our belts, boys,\u201d Ben pronounced firmly over dinner that evening, as Hop Sing inched gingerly in. For once he was not almost obscured from view by an enormous platter of steaks\/chops larger than the average family-size pizza, plus mounds of mashed potatoes. That evening, dinner consisted of a small side salad, six sardines, some cheese scones and a rather elderly-looking pilchard. The Giggly Sisters eyed this assortment dubiously and decided just to have some fruit. After all, the coffee table always sported an unfeasibly large bowl, overflowing with apples, regardless of the season. In point of fact, the sheer weight of the fruit was so great that Ben had commissioned a special, heavy-duty coffee table made out of railway sleepers, for the sole purpose of supporting the fruit bowl. He was always slightly worried that it might prove unequal to the strain and consequently never allowed anyone to put their feet on the table.<\/p>\n

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\u201cT\u2019aint fair!\u201d Hoss protested and the blonde wondered (not for the first time) just why he displayed such markedly different syntax to the rest of his family. There had to be a good reason, didn\u2019t there? She made a mental note to have a little word with Ben later on.<\/p>\n

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\u201cMost of that there bill\u2019s due to Shortshanks! I ain\u2019t hardly never maimed.\u201d<\/p>\n

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Ben hastily intervened before Joe threw the pilchard at his brother. He had plans for that fish\u2026<\/p>\n

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\u201cYes, but what with Joe being pocket-sized, it doesn\u2019t take much to feed him. It\u2019s a bit more tricky trying to keep you stoked up.\u201d He gave Hoss an apologetic smile.<\/p>\n

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\u201cI don\u2019t think that\u2019s entirely fair,\u201d Adam protested. \u201cAfter all, if it wasn\u2019t for Hoss, you wouldn\u2019t be the successful cattle baron\/mine owner\/timber grower\/horse exporter you are today.\u201d<\/p>\n

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A series of stunned looks greeted this pronouncement and Paw took advantage of the situation to abstract the pilchard and swallow it whole, while Adam continued with his story. \u201cWhen we arrived here, it was just the three of us: Pa, Hoss and me. Hoss was only a young baby.\u201d (He carefully avoided using the word small, for Hoss had never been small. Ever.) \u201cEven at the tender age of 18 months, he needed at least three scrambled eggs, a side of bacon and an entire trifle. Just for breakfast. Well, you can imagine the financial strain. It\u2019s not easy to get all that custard and sponge fingers at short notice.\u201d<\/p>\n

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\u201cAnd what does this have to do with Ben\u2019s success?\u201d asked the blonde. She had noticed Paw flitch the pilchard, but pretended not to have seen.<\/p>\n

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\u201cWell, Pa had to start earning at living at once, and so he realized that the quickest way was grow his own beef, so there was always some kind of food on hand.\u201d Adam smiled at his middle brother, who looked most discomfited. \u201cHe soon found that others were more than willing to pay for his beef, which allowed him to buy more store-bought goods, and that brought him into contact with more people, and they asked to buy his timber, and then horses.\u201d Adam thankfully ran out of breath at that point.<\/p>\n

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\u201cI think we get the drift,\u201d the redhead said, her eyes glazed over with boredom. \u201cIf Hoss hadn\u2019t needed such huge quantities of food, Ben would never have made it big out here.\u201d<\/p>\n

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\u201cI\u2019m sure that\u2019s not true,\u201d Ben huffed. \u201cI would have been a success even without Hoss to feed.\u201d He glared at the empty plate, and then at Hoss, thinking that he had eaten the pilchard.<\/p>\n

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\u201cI still think I should get a bigger share than pipsqueak,\u201d Hoss mumbled sulkily. \u201cI\u2019m bigger and I\u2019m older. Stands to reason. Plus I\u2019ve hardly been maimed at all. Unlike some people.\u201d<\/p>\n

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\u201cYou do seem to revel in those unfortunate accidents,\u201d Adam observed, knowing just which buttons to push to get Joe worked up. It worked beautifully: Joe leapt to his feet, planted his hands on his hips and flared his nostrils. \u201cA classic strop!\u201d Adam crowed happily.<\/p>\n

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Ben wisely decided to intervene before things got out of hand. He still hadn\u2019t forgotten that little mud-wrestling escapade in Springtime<\/em> that had resulted in having Jedediah as a rather unwelcome houseguest. \u201cDon\u2019t tease your little brother!\u201d he chided.<\/p>\n

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\u201cYou always take his part, \u201cAdam said sulkily, quite forgetting he was well into his thirties. \u201cYou never even congratulated me for saving him from that wolf attack in My Brother\u2019s Keeper<\/em>. It\u2019s not fair!\u201d<\/p>\n

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\u201cThe poor wolf only attacked Joe because he was lying helpless on the ground, badly wounded,” observed the blonde. \u201cAnd I still don\u2019t see how you could possibly mistake him for a wolf. Did you think he\u2019d got his hair straightened, or something?\u201d<\/p>\n

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Just when it looked as if things were about to get very heated, there was a knock at the door. Everyone turned and looked expectantly at Joe, even Hop Sing, who was warming his feet at the fire. With a long-suffering sigh Joe got up and opened the door to reveal Doctor Paul Martin.<\/p>\n

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\u201cThought I\u2019d just deliver my final paper!\u201d he beamed, handing over a copy of the Territorial Enterprise. \u201cSince my financial affairs are finally in order, I can give up the paper round.\u201d<\/p>\n

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Ben went very pale and for a moment Paul thought that he was going to have another patient on his hands. Should he ask for payment in advance this time? However, he was essentially a kind soul and decided to put his old friends\u2019 minds at ease.<\/p>\n

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\u201cI\u2019ve just got my first lot of royalty payments in,\u201d Paul announced proudly, \u201cand I owe it all to you, Joe.\u201d<\/p>\n

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\u201cSay that again?\u201d Adam\u2019s voice was full of disbelief.<\/p>\n

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\u201cIt\u2019s quite simple really. I\u2019m surprised a college-educated man like you never figured it out, Adam. Did it never cross your mind that the viewers would never stand for Joe being permanently scarred? The occasional sling: no problem. Bandaged chest: guaranteed rise in viewing figures. And he was cut so often above his left eyebrow that the wound practically deserved its own credit. But permanently scarred \u2013 never!\u201d With a flourish, Doc Martin produced a pot of smoothing from inside his coat. \u201cDoc Martin\u2019s Wonder SalveTM,\u201d he proudly proclaimed. \u201cMy own patented cream that guarantees that a scar won\u2019t be left.\u201d<\/p>\n

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They all passed it round eagerly, poking their fingers into the creamy solution and sniffing at it tentatively. It smelled remarkably pleasant for something medicinal and there was intense speculation as to its ingredients. However, Doc Martin wouldn\u2019t be drawn.<\/p>\n

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\u201cNo, I\u2019m not telling,\u201d he kept saying. \u201cBut it\u2019s all thanks to Joe. If he hadn\u2019t been maimed so often, I\u2019d be eking out my living as a penniless country doctor. As it is, I\u2019ll be living in comfort for the rest of my days!\u201d<\/p>\n

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Ben eyed him speculatively. This could be another opportunity to earn some wonga, he thought gleefully. \u201cSo, what part of the royalties come to the Ponderosa, given that it was Joe who prompted you to create this wonderful masterpiece?\u201d he asked.<\/p>\n

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Paul glared back, glad that Ben was sitting down, for the good doctor was a short and rather stout man. \u201cThe part that comes to the Ponderosa is this.\u201d With a flourish he pulled out a sheaf of papers, six inches thick, tied together with pink ribbon and headed up \u201cCartwright Medical Bill\u201d. Everyone winced at the sheer size of the bill and speculated idly as to the possible total.<\/p>\n

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\u201cSome of the pages appear to be different colors to the others,\u201d the blonde noted. Sure enough, while most of the pages were cream, there were spatterings of blue, green and yellow interspersed here and there.<\/p>\n

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\u201cHow very astute of you, young lady!\u201d Paul could be rather patronizing at times, but then he was a doctor and this was part of their medical training: how to intimidate your patients so that they don\u2019t ask awkward questions you can\u2019t answer. \u201cI\u2019ve color-coded all my records for easy reference. Blue is for Ben \u2013 who enjoys remarkably good health for a man his age, but then desk work isn\u2019t the most hazardous of occupations, is it? Green for Adam \u2013 a few bullet wounds here and there, but nothing to write home about. Yellow for Hoss \u2013 the occasional Cartwright Concussion in the main.\u201d<\/p>\n

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\u201cAnd cream colored pages for Joe! I told you he was the main expense around here!\u201d Hoss looked very happy until he discovered the pilchard was gone.<\/p>\n

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The redhead gave the family a long-suffering look, while simultaneously stroking Joe\u2019s hand gently. \u201cIt\u2019s hardly your fault, sweetie. I\u2019d blame the director myself. After all, you are the most portable of the family, so nobody minds carting you around when you\u2019ve been maimed. It\u2019s a one-man job after all, which is more than can be said for any of the others.\u201d<\/p>\n

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Joe flushed with pride, while the other Cartwrights fumed at her perspicacity. They\u2019d always hoped that no one would spot that little ruse. Joe had nearly spoilt things when he\u2019d picked up Adam and sprinted nimbly with him in The<\/em> Honor of Cochise<\/em>, but things soon went back to normal.<\/p>\n

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\u201cBesides which, all that lovely, curly hair cushions those blows to the head a treat!\u201d the blonde added, surreptitiously playing footsie with Joe under the table.<\/p>\n

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\u201cAll in all, you\u2019ve been a boon and a blessing to medical science, Joseph!\u201d Paul beamed. \u201cWhich is why I\u2019m waiving this bill!\u201d He wrote \u201cpaid in full\u201d across the top sheet, tore up Ben\u2019s check and sauntered out. Stopping at the door, he called back, “Next time I\u2019m called out though, I want traveling expenses, after-hours compensation and a bed to sleep in. I\u2019m fed up cat-napping on that hideously uncomfortable sofa!\u201d<\/p>\n

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\u201cThere\u2019s just one thing that\u2019s still worrying me,\u201d Joe confided. \u201cWhy has my room stopped moving about? It\u2019s rather disconcerting after all these years to find everything so still. In fact, it\u2019s like being at the vortex of a whirlwind \u2013 I keep expecting something much worse to happen at any moment.\u201d<\/p>\n

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Adam was examining the Territorial Enterprise, which now contained a fiction section. \u201cI think I can explain! There\u2019s a writer here who claims that your bedroom doesn\u2019t even exist! She says that you go through to the door to complete and utter nothingness!\u201d Everyone exchanged startled looks \u2013 that surely couldn\u2019t be right? Of course Joe had a bedroom, even if it enjoyed playing hide and seek with its owner.<\/p>\n

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Ben took the newspaper and began reading. \u201cWho are these people called Lorne, Pernell, Dan and Mike and what are they doing in my house? And when did my chair change color?\u201d<\/p>\n

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At that, they all exchanged looks, but said nothing. The change in color of his chair from red to blue was a mere nothing compared with the way Ben\u2019s hair seemed to change color to keep up with his many changes of mood. None of them had bothered to mention that they all noticed the changes of rug, so Ben fondly imagined that none of them knew he wore a wig.<\/p>\n

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Heaving a sigh, the redhead patted Ben\u2019s hand comfortingly. \u201cDon\u2019t worry about it,\u201d she assured him. \u201cIts just fiction, and we all know that the only people who write about real life here on the Ponderosa are my sister and myself.\u201d She smiled at Ben. \u201cOur stories have a world-wide following, and we make sure we record everything for posterity.\u201d<\/p>\n

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At that Ben swelled with pride. My, what wonderful girls the Giggly Sisters were; not only beautiful but talented, too. He just knew that his many worthy qualities would shine particularly brightly in their stories, and they would all be shown off to their best advantage.<\/p>\n

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\u201cI think that calls for a little celebration,\u201d Ben stated. He glanced at the food on the table, and decided that it really wouldn\u2019t stretch far enough, especially as Hoss had eaten the pilchard. \u201cHop Sing \u2013 another pilchard, if you please.\u201d He glared at his middle son. \u201cAnd don\u2019t eat it all this time, Hoss!\u201d<\/p>\n

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\u201cI didn\u2019t eat it all last time!\u201d Hoss protested, with markedly improved English all of a sudden. He then recalled that his diction wasn\u2019t good, and reverted to normal. \u201cIt were that there bear, I bet!\u201d<\/p>\n

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At this Paw looked very offended, as Joe picked up the tightly bound bill and began to read through it. His eyes grew large. He was totally oblivious of the wrangling around him as they quarreled over who had eaten the pilchard. He put the bill down slowly and cautiously felt around his middle.<\/p>\n

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\u201cPa,\u201d he said, and they all looked at him. \u201cWhen did I get my right kidney removed?\u201d<\/p>\n

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The End<\/p>\n","protected":false},"excerpt":{"rendered":"

Summary: \u00a0Ever wondered exactly why\u00a0 Joe gets maimed on such a regular basis? The Giggly Sisters explain all.<\/p>\n

Rated: T \u00a0WC \u00a02400<\/p>\n","protected":false},"author":6,"featured_media":1242,"comment_status":"open","ping_status":"closed","sticky":false,"template":"template-full-width-post.php","format":"standard","meta":{"_jetpack_newsletter_access":"","_jetpack_dont_email_post_to_subs":false,"_jetpack_newsletter_tier_id":0,"_jetpack_memberships_contains_paywalled_content":false,"_jetpack_feature_clip_id":0,"_jetpack_memberships_contains_paid_content":false,"footnotes":"","jetpack_publicize_message":"","jetpack_publicize_feature_enabled":true,"jetpack_social_post_already_shared":false,"jetpack_social_options":{"image_generator_settings":{"template":"highway","default_image_id":0,"font":"","enabled":false},"version":2},"jetpack_post_was_ever_published":false,"_members_access_role":[],"_members_access_error":""},"categories":[4,32],"tags":[],"class_list":["post-1507","post","type-post","status-publish","format-standard","has-post-thumbnail","hentry","category-humor","category-mystery","wpcat-4-id","wpcat-32-id"],"jetpack_publicize_connections":[],"jetpack_likes_enabled":true,"jetpack_sharing_enabled":true,"jetpack_featured_media_url":"https:\/\/i0.wp.com\/bonanzabrand.info\/library\/wp-content\/uploads\/2014\/04\/bonanza31.jpg?fit=573%2C389&ssl=1","_links":{"self":[{"href":"https:\/\/bonanzabrand.info\/library\/index.php?rest_route=\/wp\/v2\/posts\/1507","targetHints":{"allow":["GET"]}}],"collection":[{"href":"https:\/\/bonanzabrand.info\/library\/index.php?rest_route=\/wp\/v2\/posts"}],"about":[{"href":"https:\/\/bonanzabrand.info\/library\/index.php?rest_route=\/wp\/v2\/types\/post"}],"author":[{"embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/bonanzabrand.info\/library\/index.php?rest_route=\/wp\/v2\/users\/6"}],"replies":[{"embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/bonanzabrand.info\/library\/index.php?rest_route=%2Fwp%2Fv2%2Fcomments&post=1507"}],"version-history":[{"count":0,"href":"https:\/\/bonanzabrand.info\/library\/index.php?rest_route=\/wp\/v2\/posts\/1507\/revisions"}],"wp:featuredmedia":[{"embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/bonanzabrand.info\/library\/index.php?rest_route=\/wp\/v2\/media\/1242"}],"wp:attachment":[{"href":"https:\/\/bonanzabrand.info\/library\/index.php?rest_route=%2Fwp%2Fv2%2Fmedia&parent=1507"}],"wp:term":[{"taxonomy":"category","embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/bonanzabrand.info\/library\/index.php?rest_route=%2Fwp%2Fv2%2Fcategories&post=1507"},{"taxonomy":"post_tag","embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/bonanzabrand.info\/library\/index.php?rest_route=%2Fwp%2Fv2%2Ftags&post=1507"}],"curies":[{"name":"wp","href":"https:\/\/api.w.org\/{rel}","templated":true}]}}