Summary: \u00a0Ever wondered why you never see more than one bare-chested Cartwright at a time? Or why the boys bare feet are taboo? The Giggly Sisters investigate.<\/p>\n
Rated: K+ \u00a0WC \u00a02300<\/p>\n
Just What You Always Wanted<\/strong><\/p>\n Joe clattered down the stairs, full of boyish enthusiasm. Even his curls seemed to bounce with eager anticipation. As ever, he was slightly late for breakfast. This gave the cameraman plenty of time to focus on delicious scenes of Joe in bed and you could almost hear the collective pulse of America beat a little quicker in response. His shirt was unbuttoned, showing the smooth, muscular glory of his impressively muscled chest and\u2026<\/p>\n <\/p>\n <\/p>\n <\/p>\n \u201cExcuse me!\u201d Adam interjected. He was a college graduate, so merely interrupting was beneath his dignity. \u201cI\u2019m the one with a chest ladies swoon over! They don\u2019t call seasons One to Six The GLORY YEARS for nothing!\u201d He gave Joe a sharp jab with his elbow and it was only due to Joe\u2019s undoubted athleticism that a nasty accident was averted.<\/p>\n <\/p>\n <\/p>\n <\/p>\n \u201cIs that what they call them?\u201d The redhead\u2019s languid tones floated up to greet the brothers. \u201cI always thought it was The GORY YEARS!\u201d<\/p>\n <\/p>\n <\/p>\n <\/p>\n Adam ignored her. He was getting rather good at that. The blonde smiled lovingly at Joe and shovelled another spoon of porridge down Paw\u2019s eager maw. \u201cTuck your shirt in, poppet!\u201d she advised lovingly. \u201cAfter all, we haven\u2019t sent out the normal warning.\u201d<\/p>\n <\/p>\n <\/p>\n <\/p>\n Mr Dortort nodded in agreement. This was a little precaution he\u2019d been forced to implement, in association with the American Medical Association. Too many ladies were keeling over with joy when Joe appeared without his normal quotient of clothing, so unless an explicit warning was posted at the beginning of each show, the boys had to remain fully clothed.<\/p>\n <\/p>\n <\/p>\n <\/p>\n \u201cThat\u2019s why I wore that rather suspect leather waistcoat in The Savage<\/em>,\u201d Adam informed his family. He carefully avoided sitting next to Paw. It was bad enough that Joe was wantonly flaunting convention with the Giggly Sisters, but foisting a furry nephew upon him was taking things rather too far. \u201cI wanted to go bare-chested, but the director told me that was a bridge too far. I don\u2019t quite know what he meant\u2026 After all, ladies love a furry chest, don\u2019t they?\u201d<\/p>\n <\/p>\n <\/p>\n <\/p>\n Hoss boggled away in disbelief. \u201cHow comes I only get to be bare-chested if\u2019n I\u2019m wrestling?\u201d he asked. \u201cThe Duke<\/em> and San Francisco<\/em> \u2013 I get to show off my body there, but apart from that\u2026\u201d<\/p>\n <\/p>\n <\/p>\n <\/p>\n Ben patted him lovingly on the hand. \u201cYou can get too much of a good thing!\u201d he advised.<\/p>\n <\/p>\n <\/p>\n <\/p>\n Joe gave him a hard look. \u201cMy pants have belt loops in San Francisco<\/em>!\u201d he announced. \u201cBut never before or since! Why is that?\u201d<\/p>\n <\/p>\n <\/p>\n <\/p>\n The wardrobe mistress made a strategic withdrawal. She was normally too busy ensuring the fit was just perfect around the butt to have much time left for incidentals such as belt loops.<\/p>\n <\/p>\n <\/p>\n <\/p>\n \u201cPerhaps it was to avoid little accidents \u2013 no extra fripperies for you to deal with?\u201d Adam insinuated. Really, this graduate level vocabulary got a bit wearing at times.<\/p>\n <\/p>\n <\/p>\n <\/p>\n \u201cBoys!\u201d Ben bellowed and was secretly impressed with his effortless alliteration. \u201cFasten your shirts \u2013 at once!\u201d The glass front of the grandfather clock shattered and the barometer burst into a thousand shards. However, although these props were a mainstay of the show, they were very rarely used, so it was doubtful if anyone would actually notice.<\/p>\n <\/p>\n <\/p>\n <\/p>\n \u201cThrow down the Indian rug!\u201d the blonde instructed. \u201cI don\u2019t want Paw getting glass in his wee pads.\u201d<\/p>\n <\/p>\n <\/p>\n <\/p>\n \u201cIt\u2019s a blanket,\u201d Ben hissed in an audible aside.<\/p>\n <\/p>\n <\/p>\n <\/p>\n The redhead gave him a searching look. \u201cBlankets are soft and cuddly. That is a stiff, hardwearing rug and I don\u2019t quite understand why it\u2019s draped over the banisters in the first place.\u201d<\/p>\n <\/p>\n <\/p>\n <\/p>\n Joe smiled tenderly at her. \u201cIt brightens up the place. And it gives fanfic writers something to refer to when they want to add a little \u2018local colour\u2019 to their stories!\u201d<\/p>\n <\/p>\n <\/p>\n <\/p>\n \u201cHow come Paw doesn\u2019t go bare-chested?\u201d Hoss asked. The little bear looked confused, glancing down at his soft, downy chest. How much more \u2018bear\u2019 did Hoss want him to go? He hadn\u2019t put on his Fair Isle cardi yet, but he would before he went out to play. It was winter after all.<\/p>\n <\/p>\n <\/p>\n <\/p>\n \u201cWell,\u201d Ben began, and Paw realised that once more he had been caught out by Hoss\u2019 appalling diction. \u201cI do seem to remember having my shirt open in one episode, but I can\u2019t quite recall which one it was. Besides, a man of my age has his dignity to think about.\u201d<\/p>\n <\/p>\n <\/p>\n <\/p>\n \u201cAh,\u201d Hoss agreed, wondering which bit of his body was his dignity. \u201cHow come Joe don\u2019t have a furry chest like Adam and me.\u201d<\/p>\n <\/p>\n <\/p>\n <\/p>\n \u201cI don\u2019t know,\u201d Ben sighed, for he truly didn\u2019t. Not that he minded; it was nice to have a variety of furriness amongst his sons. It was just another way to tell them apart. Especially in the dark.<\/p>\n <\/p>\n <\/p>\n <\/p>\n \u201cI know!\u201d Joe chirped, cheerfully. He didn\u2019t mind in the least that he had a smooth golden-toned, muscular chest, because that was what the girls liked best. \u201cBecause you\u2019ve got my chest hair on your shoulders and back!\u201d<\/p>\n <\/p>\n <\/p>\n <\/p>\n The redhead choked and the blonde became very busy wiping the porridge off Paw\u2019s face as Hoss twisted his neck at an impossible angle to see. \u201cNo I ain\u2019t!\u201d he denied hotly. \u201cIts all mine, ain\u2019t it, Paw?\u201d<\/p>\n <\/p>\n <\/p>\n <\/p>\n \u201cOf course it is, son,\u201d Ben soothed. \u201cJoe was just teasing.\u201d He glanced down as Silverado, the sisters\u2019 watch-wolf, came padding in. He was very young, and inclined to trip over his own paws when not paying enough attention, but he was very sweet.<\/p>\n <\/p>\n <\/p>\n <\/p>\n \u201cEven the wolf has more hair on its chest than you have,\u201d Adam taunted, but Joe was sublimely indifferent to this.<\/p>\n <\/p>\n <\/p>\n <\/p>\n \u201cI should hope so,\u201d Joe replied. \u201cWolves are supposed to have hairy chests.\u201d<\/p>\n <\/p>\n <\/p>\n <\/p>\n \u201cSo you don\u2019t all three go bare-chested in the same episode because of the effects it has on the ladies?\u201d asked the redhead. They nodded in unison. \u201cWell, what about the mud-wrestling in Springtime<\/em>? Your shirts were plastered to you then, and there wasn\u2019t a warning there, was there?\u201d<\/p>\n <\/p>\n <\/p>\n <\/p>\n \u201cI don\u2019t think they quite realised what the effect would be,\u201d Ben replied. He had personally found it hilarious when Hoss had almost pulled off Adam\u2019s rug, and been very grateful that he wasn\u2019t expected to play in the mud along with his sons. Hop Sing had been more than annoyed enough at the boys\u2019 dirty clothes.<\/p>\n <\/p>\n <\/p>\n <\/p>\n \u201cNobody seemed to mind in Queen High<\/em> when both Joe and Candy went around without their shirts a lot,\u201d the blonde mentioned. Her eyes lingered on Joe\u2019s chest. She did so love the way he left the top buttons of his shirt undone\u2026<\/p>\n <\/p>\n <\/p>\n <\/p>\n “That\u2019s because Candy, well-beloved though he is, isn’t actually a Cartwright,” Ben explained in patient tones. He was very good at these expositions. “But it simply isn’t feasible for more than one of you boys to go bare-chested at one time. It’s one of the facts of the show that you have to accept.”<\/p>\n <\/p>\n <\/p>\n <\/p>\n “Like the Curse of the Cartwrights?” Adam asked. He sometimes yearned for a stable relationship that lasted for more than 40 minutes. Perhaps he might have to even considering leaving the Ponderosa one day, if he were ever to find his true love?<\/p>\n <\/p>\n <\/p>\n <\/p>\n “I sometimes fear the curse started with me,” Ben confessed. “First of all, my childhood sweetheart, Elizabeth\u2026”<\/p>\n <\/p>\n <\/p>\n <\/p>\n There was a faint but unmistakeable chorus of “My Love!”, but Ben ignored this.<\/p>\n <\/p>\n <\/p>\n <\/p>\n “She gave me the gift of a son, but alas! It was too much for her. Poor Adam was left without a mother and I decided to set out for pastures (or even prairies) new. And then we met Inger.”<\/p>\n <\/p>\n <\/p>\n <\/p>\n “My Love!”<\/p>\n <\/p>\n <\/p>\n <\/p>\n The chorus was louder this time, but Ben carried on regardless. He’d had plenty of practice after all. “I felt she was made of sturdier stuff, but even she could not survive an Indian arrow.” He looked pensive. “Still, they were dreadfully apologetic about it and gave me that lovely rug as partial compensation.”<\/p>\n <\/p>\n <\/p>\n <\/p>\n Hoss looked slightly offended at what seemed a rather inequitable trade, but decided not to say anything. He consoled himself with another large helping of ham, eggs, steak, sausages and fried potatoes.<\/p>\n <\/p>\n <\/p>\n <\/p>\n “I knew that any future marriage might be fraught with danger, so for some time I continued alone, with my two little boys.” Ben smiled fondly at his oldest sons. “I soldiered on bravely, but then she burst into my life, like a burst of verdant spring – Marie: My Love<\/em>!” He said the latter very quickly, effectively forestalling any further chorus. The last love of his life, dear Marie had lasted longer than Elizabeth and Inger put together, but had suffered a cruel death, when she was squished right outside the front door.<\/p>\n <\/p>\n <\/p>\n <\/p>\n “Marie sure had staying power!” Adam said, just managing to keep a straight face. “But I still don’t see why two of us can’t go bare-chested at once. Joe and I for example: it would make a nice study in contrasts.”<\/p>\n <\/p>\n <\/p>\n <\/p>\n “Something for everyone,” agreed the blonde, running her fingertips admiringly over Joe’s magnificent pectoral muscles and marvelling at their definition.<\/p>\n <\/p>\n <\/p>\n <\/p>\n “Just think how effective the bath-house scene in The Crucible<\/em> would have been if I had been shaving bare-chested!” Adam stated, fixing the director with a steely glare.<\/p>\n <\/p>\n <\/p>\n <\/p>\n “Or if I hadn’t been wearing my long-johns in the bath!” Joe mourned. The wardrobe mistress looked apologetic.<\/p>\n <\/p>\n <\/p>\n <\/p>\n \u201cPoppet, if the world isn\u2019t ready for two Cartwrights going bare-chested in the same ep, it certainly isn\u2019t ready to see your bare butt in all its gloriousness,\u201d the redhead assured him. \u201cNot that we would have objected to seeing it.\u201d The perfection of that Joe-in-the-bath scene would only have been enhanced if he hadn\u2019t had to wear his long-johns. Or if the set-dresser had produced some clean bath-water, rather than forcing him to use Adam’s rather murky left-overs.<\/p>\n <\/p>\n <\/p>\n <\/p>\n \u201cWe couldn\u2019t have that!\u201d Ben protested. Really, these girls had some strange ideas. Fancy thinking the world would want to see Joe\u2019s butt \u2013 although even he had to admit that it was taut and pert\u2026 \u201cLadies would have fainted left and right and then they would have missed Adam\u2019s wonderful acting.\u201d<\/p>\n <\/p>\n <\/p>\n <\/p>\n The redhead looked as though she wanted to make a comment about that, but Joe goosed her briskly, which effectively prevented the pithy comment she was going to make.<\/p>\n <\/p>\n <\/p>\n <\/p>\n “It certainly is a quintessential episode,” Adam remarked. “And of course, that’s why I kept my shirt on – so they wouldn’t be distracted from my angst-ridden suffering, as I wrestled with my conscience.”<\/p>\n <\/p>\n <\/p>\n <\/p>\n “I always go bare-chested when I wrestle,” Hoss remarked, rather missing the point.<\/p>\n <\/p>\n <\/p>\n <\/p>\n Adam continued unabashed. “Of course, I wore my neckerchief as a headband to symbolise the fact that the world was turning awry. A visual indicator or leit-motif, if you like, for my suffering.”<\/p>\n <\/p>\n <\/p>\n <\/p>\n “The fact it kept his rug in place was an added bonus!” the redhead remarked, almost managing to keep a straight face.<\/p>\n <\/p>\n <\/p>\n <\/p>\n The blonde was mulling things over. “I suppose that’s why you never have any scenes where you’re all swimming in Lake Tahoe – the entire medical infrastructure of America would melt down with all the emergency calls? It does seem strange that you live beside such a huge lake, yet you never even seem to go paddling.” She stared long and hard at Joe’s delicious feet and gave a small sigh.<\/p>\n <\/p>\n <\/p>\n <\/p>\n Ben caught the look. “You’ll have noticed that we endeavour to keep our feet properly shod at all times, young lady. Alright, there was that unfortunate scene in Springtime<\/em>, where Joe’s bare feet are clearly visible, but apart from that, I insist my boys wear their boots at all times!”<\/p>\n <\/p>\n <\/p>\n <\/p>\n The sisters thought carefully – he was right! Even when summoned downstairs in the middle of the night, as in Hoss and the Leprechauns<\/em> or The Flapjack<\/em> Contest<\/em>, the Cartwright boys tended to accessorise their night attire with cowboy boots. The much-vaunted slippers of Cousin Clarissa were nowhere to be seen.<\/p>\n <\/p>\n <\/p>\n <\/p>\n “That’s because I don’t like to button my pyjama jacket,” Adam explained kindly. “There’s no way the viewers could cope with a bare chest and bare feet in one scene!” The script girl nodded in agreement. She had enough trouble keeping up as it was!<\/p>\n <\/p>\n <\/p>\n <\/p>\n \u201cSo you see,\u201d Ben concluded, \u201cwe have to keep a measure of decorum, so that America can keep functioning. After all, if there was a shirtless warning sent out every week, nothing would get done. All the ladies would be neglecting their housework.\u201d<\/p>\n <\/p>\n <\/p>\n <\/p>\n The sisters exchanged a glance at this. Ben was somewhat tedious in his hints that their place at the ranch was doing the housework that Hop Sing tended to neglect. Now, the sisters were both very house-proud, but they certainly weren\u2019t going to tackle that odd bit by the stairs without their trusty Dyson hoovers! Besides, their place was with Joe!<\/p>\n <\/p>\n <\/p>\n <\/p>\n Hoss leaned over the table confidingly, and Paw climbed onto Joe\u2019s lap, just in case he decided that Paw was his snack for elevenses. Silverado was already comfortably ensconced on the redhead\u2019s knee.<\/p>\n <\/p>\n <\/p>\n <\/p>\n \u201cI knows where ya can git enough shirtless Cartwrights,\u201d he explained, kindly.<\/p>\n <\/p>\n <\/p>\n <\/p>\n \u201cWhere?\u201d the blonde asked, eagerly. More shirtless Joe? Perhaps even shirtless, bare-foot Joe? It didn\u2019t compare to the real thing of course, but it was handy to know as a back-up.<\/p>\n <\/p>\n <\/p>\n <\/p>\n Winking broadly, Hoss whispered, \u201cThem there fanfics! They\u2019s got everythin\u2019 a gal needs! Shirtless, bare-foot an\u2019 maimed! I\u2019ve even read them myself.\u201d He turned a speculative gaze on Adam. \u201cI didn\u2019 know you done that, Adam,\u201d he commented.<\/p>\n <\/p>\n <\/p>\n <\/p>\n \u201cDid what?\u201d Adam asked, suddenly alarmed.<\/p>\n <\/p>\n <\/p>\n <\/p>\n \u201cI suspect that\u2019s another story!\u201d Ben declared.<\/p>\n <\/p>\n <\/p>\n *****End*****<\/p>\n <\/p>\n <\/p>\n","protected":false},"excerpt":{"rendered":" Summary: \u00a0Ever wondered why you never see more than one bare-chested Cartwright at a time? Or why the boys bare feet are taboo? The Giggly Sisters investigate.<\/p>\n Rated: K+ \u00a0WC \u00a02300<\/p>\n","protected":false},"author":6,"featured_media":1242,"comment_status":"open","ping_status":"closed","sticky":false,"template":"template-full-width-post.php","format":"standard","meta":{"_jetpack_newsletter_access":"","_jetpack_dont_email_post_to_subs":false,"_jetpack_newsletter_tier_id":0,"_jetpack_memberships_contains_paywalled_content":false,"_jetpack_feature_clip_id":0,"_jetpack_memberships_contains_paid_content":false,"footnotes":"","jetpack_publicize_message":"","jetpack_publicize_feature_enabled":true,"jetpack_social_post_already_shared":false,"jetpack_social_options":{"image_generator_settings":{"template":"highway","default_image_id":0,"font":"","enabled":false},"version":2},"jetpack_post_was_ever_published":false,"_members_access_role":[],"_members_access_error":""},"categories":[4],"tags":[],"class_list":["post-1550","post","type-post","status-publish","format-standard","has-post-thumbnail","hentry","category-humor","wpcat-4-id"],"jetpack_publicize_connections":[],"jetpack_featured_media_url":"https:\/\/i0.wp.com\/bonanzabrand.info\/library\/wp-content\/uploads\/2014\/04\/bonanza31.jpg?fit=573%2C389&ssl=1","jetpack_likes_enabled":true,"jetpack_sharing_enabled":true,"_links":{"self":[{"href":"https:\/\/bonanzabrand.info\/library\/index.php?rest_route=\/wp\/v2\/posts\/1550","targetHints":{"allow":["GET"]}}],"collection":[{"href":"https:\/\/bonanzabrand.info\/library\/index.php?rest_route=\/wp\/v2\/posts"}],"about":[{"href":"https:\/\/bonanzabrand.info\/library\/index.php?rest_route=\/wp\/v2\/types\/post"}],"author":[{"embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/bonanzabrand.info\/library\/index.php?rest_route=\/wp\/v2\/users\/6"}],"replies":[{"embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/bonanzabrand.info\/library\/index.php?rest_route=%2Fwp%2Fv2%2Fcomments&post=1550"}],"version-history":[{"count":0,"href":"https:\/\/bonanzabrand.info\/library\/index.php?rest_route=\/wp\/v2\/posts\/1550\/revisions"}],"wp:featuredmedia":[{"embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/bonanzabrand.info\/library\/index.php?rest_route=\/wp\/v2\/media\/1242"}],"wp:attachment":[{"href":"https:\/\/bonanzabrand.info\/library\/index.php?rest_route=%2Fwp%2Fv2%2Fmedia&parent=1550"}],"wp:term":[{"taxonomy":"category","embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/bonanzabrand.info\/library\/index.php?rest_route=%2Fwp%2Fv2%2Fcategories&post=1550"},{"taxonomy":"post_tag","embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/bonanzabrand.info\/library\/index.php?rest_route=%2Fwp%2Fv2%2Ftags&post=1550"}],"curies":[{"name":"wp","href":"https:\/\/api.w.org\/{rel}","templated":true}]}}