{"id":15526,"date":"2001-12-04T05:58:34","date_gmt":"2001-12-04T10:58:34","guid":{"rendered":"https:\/\/bonanzabrand.info\/library\/?p=15526"},"modified":"2025-02-27T12:05:11","modified_gmt":"2025-02-27T17:05:11","slug":"beyond-looney-by-robin","status":"publish","type":"post","link":"https:\/\/bonanzabrand.info\/library\/?p=15526","title":{"rendered":"Beyond Looney (by Robin)"},"content":{"rendered":"

Summary:<\/strong>\u00a0 We find the need to apologize to Looney Tunes.<\/p>\n

Rating:\u00a0 T\u00a0 (4,640 words)<\/p>\n

Author’s Note:<\/strong> \u00a0The REALLY Losts are satires of the series written with much affection, eye rolling,\u00a0\u00a0and winks. \u00a0And can be somewhat risque’.<\/em><\/p>\n

Beyond Looney<\/strong>
\nA REALLY Lost Episode<\/strong><\/p>\n

 <\/p>\n

Adam urged his horse onward through the ink black night. It had taken him longer than he expected to leave Virginia City as he had found his horse dressed in Hoss’ old plaid flannel nightshirt and wearing a straw bonnet. Pink crepe paper streamers and orange tissue paper flowers adorned the saddle making it look like a pi\u00f1ata. Just as he finished taking off all that foolish frou frou, someone grabbed him from behind and gave him a wedgie… not just an ordinary wedgie, but an atomic wedgie, the kind of wedgie where not only was he lifted up by the waistband of his under pants, but the underpants were pulled over his head.<\/p>\n

The air was filled with chortling and giggles as the perpetrators ran off into the night. Then, Adam was tossed in an alleyway filled with shmutzy, slimey garbage. It took him at least twenty minutes more to untangle himself. Had Roy Coffee not come along, he might still be stuck there with his head wedged in a discarded spittoon.<\/p>\n

This was worse than being bushwhacked in the desert.<\/p>\n

He had to make it home to the Ponderosa if it was the last thing he ever did. Pa would hide him from THEM.<\/p>\n

It was getting to be too much! Whoopee cushions on his chair as he sat on jury duty! His hat filled with shaving cream! Hang up calls on his not yet invented cell phone! And the horror of the crazy glue on the seat of the outhouse!<\/p>\n

His butt still burned and his face reddened reliving Doc Martin’s surgery. One more rise, one more turn in the road and the house would come into view.<\/p>\n

He could hear them bearing down on him. Adam could almost feel their hot breath on his neck and the clawing of their long finger nails on his back and their custard pies on his face. He hadn’t felt fear like this since he had to face down maniacal Ross Marquette. Or that Wiley Coyote tossing anvils off Eagles nest.<\/p>\n

This was worse than Miss Jones, the school marm, squeezing his…. never mind.<\/p>\n

They were coming for him!<\/p>\n

He kicked his tired horse in the ribs and the beast stumbled over his roller
\nblades. Damn! Adam should have removed them before he headed out of town but Roy had convinced him that he would make better time. Adam was thrown head over heels from the dying horse.<\/p>\n

“Pa!” Adam screamed as darkness and the roving, raving, band of insane fan fiction women closed in on him.<\/p>\n

 <\/p>\n

**********<\/p>\n

 <\/p>\n

AND NOW\u2026, meanwhile back at the ranch…<\/em><\/p>\n

 <\/p>\n

\u201cPa? Do you hear some moanin\u2019 and groanin\u2019 from outside?\u201d Hoss said to his father as he permitted Little Joe to cheat at checkers.<\/p>\n

 <\/p>\n

Joe never knew.<\/p>\n

 <\/p>\n

Pa had paid off Hoss to build up Little Joe\u2019s self-esteem.<\/p>\n

 <\/p>\n

\u201cSounds to me like someone groanin\u2019 and moanin\u2019, more than moanin\u2019 and groanin\u2019,\u201d Little Joe groaned as he quintuple jumped Hoss\u2019 checkers. \u201cDoncha think you should go check? Maybe it is one of Pa\u2019s long lost friends’ lovely daughters who are terminally ill and \u2026\u201d<\/p>\n

\u201cMOAN!! GROAN!!\u201d Gerthumpky plomp.<\/p>\n

 <\/p>\n

\u201cSounds like something is thudding on the porch\u2026a wounded creature.\u201d Hoss closed one eye and listened. He always diminished one sense in order to elevate another. When he had to use the seatless outhouse after Adam\u2019s disturbing crazy glue on the seat incident, Hoss would close one eye and stand on one foot so as not to miss his target.<\/p>\n

 <\/p>\n

\u201cQuit your gabbing boys! Go check what is groaning and moaning\u2026\u201d Ben ordered.<\/p>\n

\u201cMoaning and groaning, Pa!\u201d Joe corrected and quadruple jumped Hoss\u2019 checkers.<\/p>\n

 <\/p>\n

\u201cANSWER THE DOOOOOooooR!\u201d Ben roared. \u201cGo check what wounded creature is thrashing around on the porch and dispatch it immediately if need be!\u201d<\/p>\n

\u201cJoe, you go!\u201d Hoss urged.<\/p>\n

 <\/p>\n

\u201cNo, I went last time. It\u2019s your turn, Hoss,\u201d Joe argued triple jumping his brother\u2019s remaining checkers.<\/p>\n

 <\/p>\n

\u201cNo, I went last time, when it was the bag of burning manure someone left on the doorstep\u2026\u201d<\/p>\n

\u201cPeggy Dayton,\u201d Joe said, recalling the odiferous incident. \u201cIt’s Adam\u2019s turn. I answered the door when the gypsy chieftain came by to borrow a pig.\u201d<\/p>\n

\u201cAdam!\u201d Ben roared. \u201cAnswer the door!\u201d<\/p>\n

\u201cPaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaa\u2026\u201d came a moan or a groan from outside the door.<\/p>\n

 <\/p>\n

\u201cGuess Adam is outside, Pa\u201d Joe pointed out.<\/p>\n

\u201cAnd it sure sounds like he is a\u2019 callin\u2019 you, Pa. Maybe you should go answer the door.\u201d Hoss suggested taking his \u201cImprove Little Joe\u2019s Self-Esteem\u201d tally book from his pocket \u201cYou won the checker game, Little Brother. Dadblastit! Don\u2019t go getting\u2019 a swelled head now!\u201d<\/p>\n

 <\/p>\n

Meanwhile, Ben sssssssssssssssllllllllllllloowly walked to the door. \u201cWhat good is it that I have three sons if I have to answer the door myself?\u201d<\/p>\n

 <\/p>\n

\u201cPaaaaaaAAaa!” Adam groaned.<\/p>\n

 <\/p>\n

\u201cSonny Boy!\u201c Ben knelt beside his injured first born. This was getting annoying. When would he finally get to enjoy his empty nest?<\/p>\n

 <\/p>\n

\u201cI have a boo boo!\u201c Adam trembled.<\/p>\n

 <\/p>\n

\u201cAnd that ain\u2019t all!\u201d Hoss said, squeezing his nose shut. \u201cHe\u2019s been given an atomic wedgie!\u201d<\/p>\n

\u201cAnd from the looks of it\u2026\u201d Joe\u2019s lips trembled. \u201cEX-lax brownies too.\u201d<\/p>\n

 <\/p>\n

\u201cHelp me get him into the house,\u201d Ben said.<\/p>\n

 <\/p>\n

\u201cUh uh!\u201d Hoss and Joe shook their heads like matching Bobble heads. \u201cNo WAY!!\u201d<\/p>\n

\u201cYes Way!\u201d Ben glared.<\/p>\n

 <\/p>\n

\u201cWe have to go get Doc Martin!\u201d Hoss and Joe declared in unison.<\/p>\n

\u201cBoth of you?\u201d Ben asked.<\/p>\n

 <\/p>\n

\u201cPaaAAaa!\u201d Adam gasped through the fly of his boxers which were knotted over his handsome head.<\/p>\n

 <\/p>\n

\u201cThis is your brother! We all stick together!\u201d Ben growled. \u201cJoe, take a leg! Hoss take the other leg. I\u2019ll take his shoulders.<\/p>\n

 <\/p>\n

Ben lifted the wounded man\u2019s shoulders. Joe grabbed Adam\u2019s left leg. Hoss grabbed Adam\u2019s right leg. Unfortunately for Adam, Joe was standing to Adam\u2019s right and Hoss to his left and by lifting the wrong leg, they torqued Adam and flipped him face down, wrenching him from Ben\u2019s grasp.<\/p>\n

THUD. Adam fell face down on the wooden planks of the Ponderosa porch. Good thing his boxers were over his face or he might have gotten a splinter in his nose or eye.<\/p>\n

 <\/p>\n

\u201cOOOOFFFFff\u201d Adam grunted as he fell and he expelled all the oxygen in his lungs.<\/p>\n

 <\/p>\n

\u201cLet\u2019s try this again, boys,\u201d Ben ordered. \u201cOn the count of three\u2026.\u201d<\/p>\n

**********<\/p>\n

 <\/p>\n

Meanwhile, at the HIDEOUT\u2026<\/em><\/p>\n

 <\/p>\n

\u201cI just don’t know what to say, for fear of what you might do,” Kathy said nervously tying up her horse and joining her companions in front of their hide out.<\/p>\n

 <\/p>\n

\u201cContinue…continue…please continue,” Lillian declared. She slid down from her horse Knaidlach.<\/p>\n

 <\/p>\n

\u201cContinue what?\u201d Kathy asked tying up her horse. She had put the can of Silly String back in her brief case that she used as a saddle bag.<\/p>\n

\u201cWhat is that?\u201d Lillian asked. She pushed open the creaking door of the hide-out shack. The place could use a good vacuuming but unfortunately for the Gal Gang, vacuums wouldn\u2019t be invented for years.<\/p>\n

 <\/p>\n

(The first powered cleaner employing a vacuum was patented by <\/em>H. Cecil Booth<\/em>, a <\/em>British<\/em> engineer, in <\/em>1901<\/em>. He noticed a device used in trains that blew dust off the chairs, and thought it would be much more useful to have one that sucked dust. He tested the idea by laying a handkerchief on the seat of a dinner chair, putting his mouth to it and sucking hard. Upon seeing the dust and dirt collected on the underside of the handkerchief he realized the idea could work<\/em>. I didn\u2019t make this up! It is from Wikkipedia!)<\/p>\n

 <\/p>\n

\u201cWhat are you putting in your saddle bag?\u201d Martha asked.<\/p>\n

 <\/p>\n

\u201cI need this for court in the morning\u2026\u201d Kathy lied. \u201cIt is a product liability case involving harassment, divorce, real estate and\u2026\u201d<\/p>\n

 <\/p>\n

\u201cLeading us down the paths of temptation?\u201d said Claire. She really preferred Joe Cartwright to all his brothers and cousins (including Muley and Will) and even Clay Stafford and Clem the deputy. However, she was the one who decided to put a kilt on Adam the last time they bushwhacked him. She was the International Atomic Wedgie champ.<\/p>\n

 <\/p>\n

\u201cMe? Leading you? Hardee har har!\u201d Kathy said indignantly wondering if she would wind up getting poison ivy from lurking in the brush waiting to ambush Hoss and Little Joe with Silly String as they galloped into Virginia City to fetch Doc Martin for injured Adam . \u201cI am innocent!\u201d<\/p>\n

\u201cMaybe you should plead mishugina,\u201d Lillian suggested \u201cMy eldest son is an attorney and he could take on the case.\u201d<\/p>\n

\u201cMishugina?\u201d asked Lynne.<\/p>\n

 <\/p>\n

\u201cInsanity,\u201d Lillian translated.<\/p>\n

 <\/p>\n

\u201cWe are innocent by reason of Looneyness?\u201d Claire declared with a wink and a grin.<\/p>\n

 <\/p>\n

\u201cInnocent? YOU?\u201d Rona guffawed. Claire had been the one who thought of the not yet invented saran wrap on toilet seat prank that ruined Ben Cartwright\u2019s brocade vest with a ricochet spray.<\/p>\n

\u201cDidn’t you know I am just young and as innocent as the day is long???? (and it is 22:20 here and still daylight, so you can see how impressionable I am),\u201d Claire said reasonably.<\/p>\n

 <\/p>\n

\u201cCOOL! I wanna go and get into some trouble myself! (Any chance one of the boys would come rescue me, if I did?),\u201d declared Christy as she carried in the water balloons.<\/p>\n

 <\/p>\n

\u201cWe can hold out here and hide from a posse for at least a week from here,\u201d Kathy assessed.<\/p>\n

\u201cAnd then what?\u201d Christy said looking up from the pile of water balloons she was stacking beside the window.<\/p>\n

 <\/p>\n

\u201cAnd then we ride for the border!\u201d Lillian suggested.<\/p>\n

 <\/p>\n

\u201cAll right! That’s what I wanted to hear. Trouble here I come!\u201d Christy cheered, hoping she could get a few bottles of Pulque, a keg or two of tequila for herself and a case of tourista for her sister.<\/p>\n

 <\/p>\n

\u201cTrouble here you come? Oh no!\u201d Rona shook her head. She hadn\u2019t signed up with the Gal Gang for anything but a lark and now she was in hiding from an armed posse.<\/p>\n

 <\/p>\n

\u201cThis is absurdity at its best…more…more…more\u2026\u201d Lillian demanded as Kathy S and Claire spun a web around the hide out with the Silly String.<\/p>\n

 <\/p>\n

\u201cThis should hold off Sheriff Coffee\u2019s posse!\u201d Kathy explained.<\/p>\n

 <\/p>\n

\u201cAre you sure?\u201d Christy asked nervously. She shoved aside the perky gingham caf\u00e9 curtains (purchased at the Virginia City Tarjay) to look out the smudged windows. \u201cI think I see someone coming up the trail!\u201d<\/p>\n

\u201cOh no! \u201c Claire gasped. \u201cIs it the posse?\u201d<\/p>\n

**********<\/p>\n

 <\/p>\n

\u00a0Meanwhile, back in Virginia City\u2026<\/em><\/p>\n

 <\/p>\n

\u201cGot to get that Gal Gang!\u201d declared Fiorello Bosley, the newly elected mayor of Virginia City. \u201cIf they are willing to prank the Cartwrights, what will they do to me!\u201d<\/p>\n

 <\/p>\n

\u201cWell\u2026\u201d Deputy Clem scratched his neck. \u201cIt wasn\u2019t exactly that they pranked all the Cartwrights. It was Adam Cartwright they pranked. Wasn\u2019t all of them.\u201d<\/p>\n

\u201cThat\u2019s true,\u201d Roy Coffee said, scratching his arm pit.<\/p>\n

 <\/p>\n

\u201cIf they are after Adam, what else could they be doing to their neighbors!\u201d Mr. Rogers said. He put on his sweater and scratched his stomach.<\/p>\n

 <\/p>\n

\u201cThat\u2019s right! Olson’s Mercantile might fold if they prank more people here in Virginia City! I\u2019ll have to move back to Walnut Grove!\u201d declared Harriet Olson, who secretly had the hots for Little Joe Cartwright as did most of the women in town.<\/p>\n

 <\/p>\n

\u201cThat\u2019s why I am sending my posse out after them Gals!\u201d Roy said. His ankle itched furiously. \u201cGol Dang! What is this all about?\u201d<\/p>\n

Clem reached into the office trash can and discovered a can of Acme itching powder. \u201cLook!\u201d<\/p>\n

 <\/p>\n

\u201cThose wacky gals! I am going to shoot them!\u201d yelled Elmer Fudd.<\/p>\n

 <\/p>\n

\u201cLet\u2019s ride!\u201d Sheriff Coffee said to the posse.<\/p>\n

 <\/p>\n

They all rushed out of the Sheriff\u2019s office and leaped upon their horses and galloped out of town.<\/p>\n

 <\/p>\n

***********<\/p>\n

 <\/p>\n

Later, at the Hideout\u2026<\/em><\/p>\n

 <\/p>\n

\u201cHow do you know the Gal Gang is hiding in the hideout?” questioned Doubting Thomas. The posse had pulled up at a highway rest stop to have the horses watered, lubed, and for Harriet Oleson to use the powder room seventeen times to tinkle. Fiorello Bosley treated the entire posse to pepperoni and broccoli pizza. Sheriff Roy Coffee later lived to regret that lunch.<\/p>\n

 <\/p>\n

\u201cHow do we know?\u201d Roy Coffee said, rubbing his vest. His heartburn was burning his heart worse than he imagined. He sure wished he had some of Doc Martin\u2019s secret purple pill indigestion potion.<\/p>\n

 <\/p>\n

\u201cYeah! How do you know?\u201d Mrs. Olsen came out of the powder room, adjusting her bustle.<\/p>\n

\u201c \u2019Cause of her!\u201d Roy pointed to the young lady behind the counter. \u201cHer sister is part of the Gal Gang who has been pranking Adam Cartwright. She told us where the hide out is.\u201d<\/p>\n

 <\/p>\n

\u201cThat\u2019s totally correct!\u201d said Christy\u2019s sister, Sissy. She hated to see her sister and the others gunned down or hung if this mess got bigger.<\/p>\n

\u201cBesides,\u201d Clem added. \u201cIt\u2019s on the map!\u201d He pointed to the large illuminated Formica map at the rest stop. A huge X said \u201cyou are here\u201d and a big S. H. indicated \u201csecret hideout\u201d. It was right near the Virginia City Mall and the Silly String Farm.<\/p>\n

 <\/p>\n

**********<\/p>\n

 <\/p>\n

Meanwhile back at the Hideout\u2026<\/em><\/p>\n

\u201cI ‘m afraid I’m going to have to institute cease and desist orders if she’s told you all that. She just might spill the beans on the BAD stuff!\u201d Christy said, realizing her sister Sissy had ratted out the Gal Gang.<\/p>\n

**********<\/p>\n

 <\/p>\n

Later at the Ponderosa\u2026<\/em><\/p>\n

 <\/p>\n

\u201cPa! Look what we found!\u201d Hoss shouted.<\/p>\n

\u201cIt\u2019s a note wrapped around a rock,\u201d Joe called as he and Hoss came back into the house. They had just spent the last hour riding into Virginia City and bringing Doc Martin back from town to tend battered Adam.<\/p>\n

\u201cWhat does it say?<\/p>\n

 <\/p>\n

\u201cHere’s a bit more. Sorry I can’t write as fast as Robin does but I’ll get \u00a0there<\/em>,\u201d said the note from Kathy.<\/p>\n

 <\/p>\n

\u201cWrite? Doesn\u2019t she mean \u2018ride\u2019?\u201d asked Little Joe.<\/p>\n

\u201cAnd who is Robin?\u201d asked Hoss.<\/p>\n

 <\/p>\n

Joe shrugged not knowing who or what Robin was. \u201cMaybe Adam knows? But we can\u2019t ask him now.\u201d<\/p>\n

\u201cDoc Martin still is with him,\u201d Ben said coming down the stairs. His shirt was spattered with the Silly String he had scraped off his eldest son\u2019s battered face. Worse yet, Adam had told his father about the horrible Mentos and Diet Coke explosion he had survived.<\/p>\n

 <\/p>\n

Editor\u2019s note: Check out <\/em><\/p>\n

http:\/\/www.youtube.com\/watch?v=LRBkQelwak<\/p>\n

 <\/p>\n

**********<\/p>\n

\u201cPa,\u201d Adam gasped as Ben pulled the sticky goop from Adam\u2019s matted chest hair. \u201cI really loved that girl.\u201d<\/p>\n

\u201cWhich girl?\u201d Ben asked gently.<\/p>\n

 <\/p>\n

\u201cThe girl with the English accent who defiantly chugged the diet coke and then swallowed the Mentos\u2026\u201d<\/p>\n

\u201cShe\u2026she\u2026didn\u2019t!\u201d Ben gasped knowing that combination was worse than a shed full of nitro and a prowling cat\u2026or coal oil and matches or Hoss and gypsies.<\/p>\n

\u201cYeah Pa,\u201d Adam sighed. \u201cShe\u2019s gone and we only just got engaged and registered for gifts at Olsen\u2019s Mercantile.\u201d<\/p>\n

Ben gave Adam a fatherly hug and thought, \u201cHmmmm\u2026 now I don\u2019t have to bother buying that not yet invented vacuum cleaner or those ugly cake plates.\u201d<\/p>\n

 <\/p>\n

*********<\/p>\n

 <\/p>\n

\u201cWill\u2026will Adam be ok?\u201d Hoss said, tears coming to his eyes.<\/p>\n

\u201cWill Adam be ok?\u201d Ben repeated thinking of the icky goo Adam had stuck in his left ear and the purple whoppee cushion Ben had peeled off Adam\u2019s bottom\u2026 It wasn\u2019t easy being a single dad.<\/p>\n

 <\/p>\n

\u201cWill Adam be OK, Pa?\u201d Joe demanded more insistently. \u201cPa! Tell us the truth!\u201d<\/p>\n

At that moment, Doc Martin came down the stairs. \u201cI can do with a cup of coffee.\u201d<\/p>\n

\u201cWhat about ADAM!!!\u201d the three Cartwrights gasped in unison.<\/p>\n

 <\/p>\n

\u201cWill he be able to play the violin?\u201d Hoss asked hopefully.<\/p>\n

 <\/p>\n

\u201cWith rest, sure. Adam is a strong boy,\u201d Doc nodded eyeing Ben\u2019s brandy hopefully.<\/p>\n

 <\/p>\n

\u201cFunny, Adam wasn\u2019t able to play the violin before,\u201d Hoss smiled. He pictured himself dancing gracefully to Adam\u2019s violin.<\/p>\n

 <\/p>\n

Hoss always longed to dance the part of the Swan Prince in Swan Lake. This would be his big opportunity to star on the stage of Piper\u2018s Opera House. For a moment, Hoss was lost in his fantasy rather than worrying about avenging Adam\u2019s humiliation with the Gal Gang.<\/p>\n

 <\/p>\n

Doc Martin, on the other hand, helped himself to Ben\u2019s brandy. It wasn\u2019t easy removing a bale of silly string and a Frisbee from an innocent man\u2019s spleen.<\/p>\n

 <\/p>\n

**********<\/p>\n

 <\/p>\n

Meanwhile, back at the hideout\u2026<\/p>\n

 <\/p>\n

\u201cYo! You gals in there! This is Sheriff Roy Coffee! You better come out now or\u2026\u201d<\/p>\n

\u201cOr what?\u201d came a female voice from the rustic cabin hideout.<\/p>\n

 <\/p>\n

\u201cOr\u2026or\u2026 we are gonna start shooting!\u201d Deputy Clem tossed out. Then he turned to Harriet Olson and Mayor Fiorello Bosley. \u201cHow was that? Did that sound good?\u201d<\/p>\n

Glaring angrily at Clem and cutting him off before he could say another stupid thing, Roy Coffee said \u201cGoldurn you! I am in charge here! I am the sheriff!\u201d<\/p>\n

\u201cShoot! Shoot!\u201d urged Doubting Thomas.<\/p>\n

\u201cWe\u2019ll come out under one condition!\u201d said one of the gals.<\/p>\n

\u201cWhat\u2019s that?\u201d Roy asked.<\/p>\n

 <\/p>\n

\u201cWe get some coffee and can meet alone with the sheriff!\u201d<\/p>\n

\u201cThen we can start shooting?\u201d Clem\u2019s eyes lit up. Perhaps Roy would be hit by a stray bullet and he could step up to a promotion.<\/p>\n

 <\/p>\n

**********<\/p>\n

 <\/p>\n

Later, on the other side of the HIDEOUT\u2026<\/em><\/p>\n

 <\/p>\n

\u201cCoffee Ma\u2019am?” the sheriff said, handing the gal a steaming cup of mocha java latte with extra cinnamon. \u201cI made it myself with my portable cappuccino machine that I always tote with me on posses. And I have some swell biscotti too.\u201d Roy Coffee had learned at the Sheriff\u2019s \u201cHow to Negotiate with Miscreants and Hostage Holders\u201d Seminar at the Annual Wild West Lawman\u2019s convention that giving folks food is a good way to get to their better sides. He had wanted to go to the \u201cHow to Handcuff Women\u201d seminar but it was all filled up.<\/p>\n

\u201cJust what I needed for my morning coffee. Thanks!\u201d said Kathy who was acting as attorney and spokesmodel for the Gal Gang group.<\/p>\n

 <\/p>\n

\u201cDid you know my name isn\u2019t really Roy Coffee?\u201d Roy ventured.<\/p>\n

\u201cIt isn\u2019t?\u201d Clem was shocked. \u201cWhat is it?\u201d<\/p>\n

\u201cRoy D. Caff. Roy Coffee sounded a lot more manly,\u201d the sheriff admitted. \u201cNow you share something personal with me, Miss Kathy.\u201d<\/p>\n

\u201cHmmm, I thought I had,” Kathy batted her eyelashes at the sheriff. \u201cRemember when I helped you select your signature plaid\/checked\/striped ensemble?\u201d<\/p>\n

Roy blushed and sparks flew out of the ends of his moustache. \u201cAw shucks, Miss Kathy. You promised not to tell about that time you measured my inseam!\u201d<\/p>\n

 <\/p>\n

Then, realizing she had the upper hand and could woo the sheriff and perhaps negotiate freedom for the Gal Gang, Kathy elbowed Christy, \u201cAsk Roy about the tome we spent in Starbocks together.\u201d<\/p>\n

 <\/p>\n

\u201cStarbocks? Tome? Don\u2019t you mean time? Don\u2019t you mean Starbucks? That coffee place named after the space guy on Battle Star Galactica? You know that show where the boss guy looks like Ben Cartwright,\u201d Clem snickered.<\/p>\n

 <\/p>\n

\u201cNo, that was Apollo.\u201d Roy corrected. \u201cAnd no way that show is better than Star Trek!\u201d<\/p>\n

 <\/p>\n

Oh, that was TERRIBLE!! Hahahahaha!\u201d Christy laughed nervously.<\/p>\n

\u201cNow are you gals gonna turn yourself in?\u201d Roy asked standing next to the high cliff behind the Hide Out.<\/p>\n

\u201cFor what?” asked Christy.<\/p>\n

 <\/p>\n

\u201cFor what you gals done to poor Adam Cartwright!\u201d Clem said.<\/p>\n

 <\/p>\n

\u201cWhat if we wrote nice letters of apology?\u201d Lillian said. \u201cI do write remarkably, extremely, exceptionally well. We certainly didn\u2018t intend to harm Adam. It was merely a trick, a prank, a hoax, a\u2026\u201d<\/p>\n

 <\/p>\n

\u201cWhatever!\u201d Martha cut her short. \u201cLet our attorney come up with an agreement and we can call this a done deal, Sheriff Coffee.\u201d<\/p>\n

\u201cAnd no one will ever know about your real name!\u201d Christy added.<\/p>\n

\u201cThat\u2019s right!\u201d all the gals nodded in agreement.<\/p>\n

\u201cExcept me! Roy D. Caf!\u201d Clem chortled.<\/p>\n

Suddenly an anvil fell off a cliff and hit Clem right on his head.<\/p>\n

\u201cWILEY COYOTE!!!\u201d everyone screamed.<\/p>\n

\u201cThink he might get amnesia?\u201d Roy asked hopefully.<\/p>\n

\u201cBeep beep!” said the Roadrunner.<\/p>\n

 <\/p>\n

Outside the Hide Out, gathered around the still breathing but unconscious body of dopey Deputy Clem Foster who had been conked by an anvil tossed from an overhanging cliff by Wiley Coyote, Sheriff Coffee and the Gal Gang conferred.<\/p>\n

 <\/p>\n

\u201cOK,\u201d said Kathy. \u201cI\u2019ll put the agreement together in triplicate for the signing.\u201d<\/p>\n

 <\/p>\n

\u201cTake your time, Snooky Darling!\u201d Roy swooned, eyeing Kathy. Although she had no interest in the gnarly sheriff, she wasn\u2019t going to pop his bubble. If her lawyer-ing could get the Gal Gang free and have peace in the territory, she was going to do what needed to be done to save her pals. Once the agreement was signed and Territorial Judge Jude Dee approved, Kathy would let Roy down gently.<\/p>\n

 <\/p>\n

\u201cLynch \u2018em! Lynch \u2018em!\u201d shouted the posse from the other side of hideout. They were being egged on by Harriet Olsen, who figured her Mercantile would clean up on the tourist business. She even claimed she could get her cousins, The Olsen twins — Mary Kate and Ashley — to make a personal appearance in Virginia City. \u201cIf you pay for their stage tickets and put them up in the International Hotel, the girls might be willing to pull the lever on the trap door of the gallows! And they don\u2018t eat much!\u201d suggest Harriet<\/p>\n

 <\/p>\n

\u201cHustle your bustle, Kathy!\u201d Christy urged nervously, despite Roy telling her to take her time.<\/p>\n

 <\/p>\n

\u201cYes, the stage leaves for Scotland at midnight!\u201d said Rona and Claire. They hoped to make a quick exit before things got worse. \u201cHurry up!\u201d<\/p>\n

 <\/p>\n

\u201cWhy, I think you have to finish it up! You can’t leave the Gal Gang hanging…er…I shouldn’t give Roy and the hanging posse any ideas. You know what I mean, Kathy said.<\/p>\n

\u201cLet\u2019s get that letter of apology written, Lillian. That crowd is getting restless out front!\u201d Martha said tugging on her chum\u2019s frock. \u201cMake it short and sweet!\u201d<\/p>\n

 <\/p>\n

\u201cLYNCH \u2018em! LYNCH \u2018em!\u201d came a call from the posse.<\/p>\n

\u201cHurry Lillian!\u201d said Christy.<\/p>\n

\u201cAre you perhaps intimating, insinuating, or implying that I am verbose or garrulous and have a regrettable proclivity to transform simple statements into prolix sagas?\u201d protested Lillian. \u201cBesides, I am going to write a thinly disguise novel about this incident that would make a terrific not yet invented movie or mini series!\u201d<\/p>\n

\u201cA movie would be swell!\u201d grinned Roy Coffee, who had a face for radio.<\/p>\n

 <\/p>\n

\u201cSounds like a deal. Whose’s producing it anyway?\u201d Kathy asked. She would quickly write up a contract for her gang to get a percentage of future royalties and mention in the credits as consultants.<\/p>\n

\u201cOh I think it is a bidding war between DW Griffith and Walt Disney,\u201d said a voice from behind a rock<\/p>\n

\u201cI hope DW Griffith gets it. I always wanted to see a real cattle drive with a cast of thousands!\u201d Laura said excitedly, forgetting the lynch mob outside as she hoping that Jennifer Anniston or Cher could play her in the movie.<\/p>\n

\u201cFunny. I don’t remember a cattle drive, Laura,\u201d Kathy said. She hoped Jennifer Anniston, Cher or one of the Dixie Chicks could play her.<\/p>\n

\u201cWell, you know Hollywood. They rarely stick to the book!\u201d Rona reminded them.<\/p>\n

\u201cWe can film in Australia and EXPLODE Marie Cartwright and have Roy Coffee played by Oprah and then call her Clem\u2026.make all the men sappy and whiney!\u201d Beth S. clapped her hands together as she immerged from the posse. She hoped everyone would be hung and she could get all the money, rather than honoring any honorable agreements that had been worked out.<\/p>\n

 <\/p>\n

Suddenly a shot rang out!<\/p>\n

Beth fell to the ground dead, a bullet between her eyes.<\/p>\n

 <\/p>\n

\u201cWho did that?\u201d Roy yelled.<\/p>\n

 <\/p>\n

\u201cJamie!\u201d accused Fiorello Bosley.<\/p>\n

 <\/p>\n

\u201cJamie Who?\u201d exclaimed Lillian.<\/p>\n

**********<\/p>\n

 <\/p>\n

Later, back at the Ponderosa everyone celebrated with a spaghetti dinner prepared by Hop Sing. (SPAGHETTI? you ask. Don\u2019t forget Marco Polo brought Spaghetti back to Italy from China.<\/p>\n

\u201cI think Maureen O’Hara or Yvonne di Carlo should play me,\u201d Kathy said to Cecil B. De Mille who had arrived on the afternoon stage to work on the film of the \u201cGirl Gang of the Golden West\u201d.<\/p>\n

 <\/p>\n

\u201cYvonne di Carlo? Lilly Munster? Hoss gasped. He secretly admired Fred Gwynne and hoped he would be cast in the Hoss role or John Wayne.<\/p>\n

 <\/p>\n

\u201cNo! \u201c Kathy giggled. \u201cLotta Crabtree!\u201d<\/p>\n

\u201cLotta!\u201d Adam sighed.<\/p>\n

 <\/p>\n

\u201cMmmmm mmmm! Love that Lotta a lot!\u201d Little Joe sighed. He was hoping to show Mr. De Mille the scripts he had secretly been writing in his spare time. All the times his family thought he was sneaking out to play poker and flirt with saloon girls, Joe was in his secret writing den working on screenplays. His favorite was for a show he called \u201cTiny Cabin on the Frontier\u201d about a jolly, happy pioneer family called the Outgalls.<\/p>\n

\u201cLotta Crabtree?\u201d Adam smiled knowingly. Sparks flew between him and Kathy. Kathy\u2019s eyes met Adam\u2019s and they both thought of that torrid kiss Lotta and Adam had shared in one of the last scenes in that episode, before the Cartwrights howled like coyotes and rode out of town singing the Bonanza theme, badly. (For more fascinating details on this topic check: http:\/\/www.cfhf.net\/lyrics\/bonanza.htm<\/a>)<\/p>\n

Adam winked.<\/p>\n

Kathy batted her eyelashes.<\/p>\n

Adam wiggled his left eyebrow.<\/p>\n

 <\/p>\n

Kathy licked her lips seductively. Then she blew him a kiss.<\/p>\n

 <\/p>\n

Adam gazed longingly at the lady attorney. \u201cKaaaaaaaaaaaathy\u2026.\u201d<\/p>\n

 <\/p>\n

\u201cWOWza!\u201d gasped Kathy. No one had ever said her name like THAT!<\/p>\n

 <\/p>\n

\u201cWOWza!\u201d gasped all the gals in the Gal Gang. This was HOT!<\/p>\n

 <\/p>\n

Lillian elbowed Kathy. \u201cGo on. Go on. Ask him!\u201d<\/p>\n

\u201cDid you like the apology note Lillian wrote, Mr. Cartwright?\u201d Kathy asked<\/p>\n

\u201cCall me \u2026.Adam,\u201d he said smiling.<\/p>\n

 <\/p>\n

Steam came out of Kathy\u2019s ears as she momentarily melted into a pool of melted, steamy meltdown. \u201cAdam,\u201d she sighed as he took her into his arms.<\/p>\n

 <\/p>\n

\u201cYou scared me for a minute there when you melted into a pool of melted, steamy, meltdown,\u201d Adam whispered into her ear as he held her in his muscular cowboy hero arms.<\/p>\n

 <\/p>\n

\u201cI\u2019m so sorry we pranked you, Adam!\u201d Kathy whispered seductively.<\/p>\n

 <\/p>\n

\u201cI\u2019m not! Except for the chunk of hair missing from the back of my head, I\u2019m as good as new. Maybe better,\u201d proclaimed Adam.<\/p>\n

 <\/p>\n

\u201cDo you need a will or power of attorney or restraining order or something?\u201d Kathy offered. \u201cI can do the work for you no charge!\u201d<\/p>\n

 <\/p>\n

\u201cLet\u2019s discuss this over a PRIVATE DINNER (which is the code word for \u2026.ahem\u2026),\u201d said Adam. \u201cAnd you can rub salve on my \u2026.\u201d<\/p>\n

 <\/p>\n

Joe and Hoss giggled, knowing that Adam used that salve rubbing line on only the most special gals.<\/p>\n

\u201cAHEM!\u201d coughed Ben.<\/p>\n

 <\/p>\n

\u201cAhem! AHEM!” chided Lillian. \u201cAHEM AHEM!!! And I don\u2019t want to even discuss what Ben and Joyce Edwards might have done while picking grapes.\u201d<\/p>\n

Ben smiled knowingly.<\/p>\n

 <\/p>\n

Joe giggled.<\/p>\n

Hoss said \u201cLove that grape jam!\u201d<\/p>\n

Adam was too busy with Kathy to talk.<\/p>\n

 <\/p>\n

**********<\/p>\n

 <\/p>\n

EPILOGUE<\/u><\/p>\n

 <\/p>\n

The Gal Gang got off due to the brilliant legal maneuvering of Kathy, and the eloquently written letter of apology that Lillian scribed.<\/p>\n

Kathy had a torrid romance with Adam Cartwright.<\/p>\n

 <\/p>\n

Jamie (Who?) disappeared and was never charged with the murder of Beth S. which went to the Cold Case Files.<\/p>\n

 <\/p>\n

Roy Coffee, who served as a consultant to the movie eventually married Jennifer Anniston (who played Lillian). Jennifer revealed on Entertainment Tonight that men who wore plaid\/stripes\/and checks in one outfit drove her wild and she was looking for a stable man with a civil service job instead of mercurial vain boy toys. The wedding was on the Ponderosa and Ben Cartwright was the Best Man. Little Joe and Hoss hosted the bachelor party, but that is another story. Roy and Jennifer named their first child D. Caf.<\/p>\n

Along with Doctor Boudreau, Kathy and Adam also patented the special salve that she put on Adam\u2019s injured parts. It was featured on Oprah and made millions for them.<\/p>\n

 <\/p>\n

*****End*****<\/p>\n

 <\/p>\n

 <\/p>\n

Tags: tongue-in-cheek<\/p>\n

<\/div>\n

<\/g><\/svg><\/i> \"Loading\"<\/p>\n

<\/div>\n","protected":false},"excerpt":{"rendered":"

Summary: We find the need to apologize to Looney Tunes.<\/p>\n

Rating: T (4,640 words)<\/p>\n","protected":false},"author":44,"featured_media":14367,"comment_status":"open","ping_status":"closed","sticky":false,"template":"template-full-width-post.php","format":"standard","meta":{"jetpack_post_was_ever_published":false,"_jetpack_newsletter_access":"","_jetpack_dont_email_post_to_subs":false,"_jetpack_newsletter_tier_id":0,"_jetpack_memberships_contains_paywalled_content":false,"_jetpack_memberships_contains_paid_content":false,"footnotes":""},"categories":[23,4],"tags":[],"class_list":["post-15526","post","type-post","status-publish","format-standard","has-post-thumbnail","hentry","category-drama","category-humor","wpcat-23-id","wpcat-4-id"],"a3_pvc":{"activated":true,"total_views":549,"today_views":0},"jetpack_featured_media_url":"https:\/\/i0.wp.com\/bonanzabrand.info\/library\/wp-content\/uploads\/2017\/06\/ARLE-e1497282889671.png?fit=570%2C416&ssl=1","jetpack_likes_enabled":true,"jetpack-related-posts":[{"id":15514,"url":"https:\/\/bonanzabrand.info\/library\/?p=15514","url_meta":{"origin":15526,"position":0},"title":"Adam’s Memoirs – Part 1 (by Robin)","author":"profrobinw","date":"December 4, 2000","format":false,"excerpt":"Summary:\u00a0\u00a0Adam's memoirs - Part I Rating:\u00a0 T\u00a0 (2,400 words) Adam's Memoirs Series, links to all stories of this series included.","rel":"","context":"In "Adam Cartwright"","block_context":{"text":"Adam Cartwright","link":"https:\/\/bonanzabrand.info\/library\/?cat=1005"},"img":{"alt_text":"","src":"https:\/\/i0.wp.com\/bonanzabrand.info\/library\/wp-content\/uploads\/2017\/06\/ARLE-e1497282889671.png?fit=570%2C416&ssl=1&resize=350%2C200","width":350,"height":200,"srcset":"https:\/\/i0.wp.com\/bonanzabrand.info\/library\/wp-content\/uploads\/2017\/06\/ARLE-e1497282889671.png?fit=570%2C416&ssl=1&resize=350%2C200 1x, https:\/\/i0.wp.com\/bonanzabrand.info\/library\/wp-content\/uploads\/2017\/06\/ARLE-e1497282889671.png?fit=570%2C416&ssl=1&resize=525%2C300 1.5x"},"classes":[]},{"id":12927,"url":"https:\/\/bonanzabrand.info\/library\/?p=12927","url_meta":{"origin":15526,"position":1},"title":"Studio Executives #2 – Little Joe Cartwright’s Very, Very, Very Bad Day (by pjb)","author":"pjb","date":"May 13, 2016","format":false,"excerpt":"Summary: \u00a0 \u00a0The ever-helpful Cartwrights come to the aid of studio executives who need to develop a special episode for Sweeps Week. 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Rating and Reader Alerts: PG, mild language Words:\u00a0 12,625 Cartwright Romance Series, links to stories included within.","rel":"","context":"In "Alternate Universe"","block_context":{"text":"Alternate Universe","link":"https:\/\/bonanzabrand.info\/library\/?cat=7"},"img":{"alt_text":"","src":"https:\/\/i0.wp.com\/bonanzabrand.info\/library\/wp-content\/uploads\/2023\/03\/Preserving-Their-Legacy.png?fit=732%2C477&ssl=1&resize=350%2C200","width":350,"height":200,"srcset":"https:\/\/i0.wp.com\/bonanzabrand.info\/library\/wp-content\/uploads\/2023\/03\/Preserving-Their-Legacy.png?fit=732%2C477&ssl=1&resize=350%2C200 1x, https:\/\/i0.wp.com\/bonanzabrand.info\/library\/wp-content\/uploads\/2023\/03\/Preserving-Their-Legacy.png?fit=732%2C477&ssl=1&resize=525%2C300 1.5x, https:\/\/i0.wp.com\/bonanzabrand.info\/library\/wp-content\/uploads\/2023\/03\/Preserving-Their-Legacy.png?fit=732%2C477&ssl=1&resize=700%2C400 2x"},"classes":[]},{"id":15594,"url":"https:\/\/bonanzabrand.info\/library\/?p=15594","url_meta":{"origin":15526,"position":3},"title":"Three Blind Tales (by Robin)","author":"profrobinw","date":"February 5, 2004","format":false,"excerpt":"Summary: Nope, it's not the Three Blind Mice. 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