{"id":15528,"date":"2002-12-04T06:11:01","date_gmt":"2002-12-04T11:11:01","guid":{"rendered":"https:\/\/bonanzabrand.info\/library\/?p=15528"},"modified":"2025-02-27T12:07:09","modified_gmt":"2025-02-27T17:07:09","slug":"clouds-by-robin","status":"publish","type":"post","link":"https:\/\/bonanzabrand.info\/library\/?p=15528","title":{"rendered":"Clouds (by Robin)"},"content":{"rendered":"

Summary:<\/strong>\u00a0\u00a0The Missing Scenes from Truckee Strip<\/p>\n

Rating:\u00a0 T\u00a0 \u00a0(1,510 word)<\/p>\n

Author’s Note:<\/strong> \u00a0The REALLY Losts are satires of the series written with much affection, eye rolling,\u00a0\u00a0and winks. \u00a0And can be somewhat risque’.<\/em><\/p>\n

Clouds<\/strong>
\nA REALLY Lost Episode<\/strong><\/p>\n

 <\/p>\n

Three holes showed on Amy Bishop\u2019s virginal white blouse.<\/p>\n

Three holes showed where she had just been shishkababbed by the evil ranch hand.<\/p>\n

The pitch fork that Pete Jessup (or was he Ross Marquette?) had pitched at Little Joe Cartwright had pierced Amy\u2019s vitals from her pert private front to her pert pierced posterior. Ptu!<\/p>\n

 <\/p>\n

\u201cAmy! \u201c Little Joe wept as he carried his latest beloved doomed girl into the Bishop house. He couldn\u2019t quite decide how he could carry the limp girl and the pitch fork at the same time without tripping so he had yanked out the pitch fork, carried Amy into the Bishop house. Joe knocked over Amy\u2019s Frontier Mesquite Bean-i.e. Baby Collection with his elbow and tucked her into her quaint virginal shabby chic bed and then went back to the barn for the pitch fork. He then reinserted the tool in his beloved\u2019s kidney before doing her death bed scene.<\/p>\n

 <\/p>\n

\u201cGarsh! No one weeps like Little Joe!\u201d Hoss said admiringly. \u201cJust gets you in your gut, don\u2019t it?\u201d<\/p>\n

 <\/p>\n

\u201cIn your gut? Like a pitch fork?\u201d said Doc Martin #1 shaking his head. It wasn\u2019t easy being a doctor in those days\u2026no medical insurance, no golf courses. Maybe he could sell those Mesquite Bean-i.e. Babies on E-Bay. Dead Amy sure wouldn\u2019t need them anymore.<\/p>\n

 <\/p>\n

\u201cLittle Joe\u2019s crying is heart-wrenching. His mother, REAL Marie, was a good crier too,\u201d said Ben with a sigh.<\/p>\n

 <\/p>\n

\u201cWhat about my Ma?\u201d Hoss said hopefully. Was she a good crier?\u201d<\/p>\n

\u201cJust that one time\u2026\u201c Ben started.<\/p>\n

 <\/p>\n

\u201cWhich time?” Hoss asked.<\/p>\n

 <\/p>\n

\u201cGiving birth to you, Hossie Wossie. You weighed 148 pounds and your head was as big as a milk can.”<\/p>\n

\u201cBigger!” Adam nodded.<\/p>\n

 <\/p>\n

\u201cOther than once, Inger couldn\u2019t weep worth a darn but she was mighty handy at lifting the end of the wagon. And she sure had a great pair of Farfenluggn!\u201d Ben winked at his boys and made a gesture like he was juggling a pair of large cantaloupes.<\/p>\n

 <\/p>\n

\u201cInger had many talents,\u201d Adam added nostalgically. \u201cLike milking the cow, chopping the wood, and making ligon berry muffins while she was testing me on my SAT vocabulary.\u201d<\/p>\n

\u201cAnd catching arrows in her chest!\u201d Hoss bragged. \u201cMy Ma was good at that too. Weren\u2019t she?\u201d<\/p>\n

 <\/p>\n

\u201cThe best!\u201d Ben and Adam agreed.<\/p>\n

 <\/p>\n

Joe said in a choked yet very manly voice, \u201cShe said that there is no way that it could be between a Bishop and a Cartwright! I thought she meant we would never marry because her Pa and my Pa were irrationally carrying on a grudge match much like the Montague’s and the Capulets!\u201d<\/p>\n

 <\/p>\n

\u201cThe Sharks and the Jets!\u201d Adam added. He loved Broadway Musicals and had played Tony in West Side Story in Back East U.<\/p>\n

 <\/p>\n

\u201cThe Corleones and the Tataglias!\u201d Ben added. He had once toyed with the idea of putting the head of a horse in Luther Bishop\u2019s bed but that was just not his style.<\/p>\n

\u201cWho would have thunk that Little Joe\u2019s gal of the week would be shishkabobbed!?\u201d Hoss shook his head mournfully. \u201cIt was only eight episodes since Emily Pennington croaked on me too! \u201c<\/p>\n

 <\/p>\n

\u201cThat boy had no luck! None of us do!\u201d Adam sighed, wishing he had gotten more than a quick torrid kiss from Lotta Crabtree.<\/p>\n

 <\/p>\n

\u201cHush, son!\u201d Ben said paternally. \u201cLittle Joe is weeping so nicely. Let\u2019s all listen. It is Little Joe\u2018s turn to be the center of attention this week.\u201d<\/p>\n

 <\/p>\n

\u201cSure, Pa!\u201d Adam and Hoss agreed cooperatively.<\/p>\n

\u201cLittle Joe is weeps so well! It\u2019s like music to my ears!\u201d Adam swooned and in his head he dreamed of composing a song to commemorate the event. He would call it \u201cDead Girl Opus number 34: The Truckee Strip\u201d. Exotic Dancers in Vegas would be inspired by the rhythms. Then it would be the spotlight dance on Dick Clark\u2019s American Bandstand and Annette Funicello would say, \u201cWell, Dick, it has a good beat and you can dance to it.\u201d<\/p>\n

 <\/p>\n

Adam was inspired by his kid brother’s grief and wanted to rush home and strum his guitar and compose. However, Adam was a loyal Cartwright and stood near Pa. One for all and all for one, and that one this week was Little Joe.<\/p>\n

\u201cDid my mother weep well?\u201d Adam asked. He loved when Pa reminisced and the screen got all blurry and they played flashback music and Pa put on that dead squirrel blackish toupee and tried to look young and foolish. Pa could never ever look foolish. Pa was Pa! He was born with a rumbling deep voice and was wise and kind from the get-go.<\/p>\n

 <\/p>\n

\u201cLiz? Hmmm. She was quite a gal. Quite a gal! She cried loads, especially when she and I and ate Bermuda onion and jalapeno sandwiches on picnics on Boston Common,\u201d Ben recalled.\u201d Then I read sappy poetry to her. Her favorite was by Joni Mitchell.\u201d<\/p>\n

 <\/p>\n

\u201cBows and flows of angel hair and ice cream castles in the air
\nAnd feather canyons everywhere, I\u2019ve looked at cloud that way.
\nBut now they only block the sun, they rain and snow on everyone.
\nSo many things I would have done but clouds got in my way.<\/p>\n

I\u2019ve looked at clouds from both sides now,
\nFrom up and down, and still somehow
\nIt\u2019s cloud illusions I recall.
\nI really don\u2019t know clouds at all.\u201d*<\/p>\n

<\/em><\/p>\n

Adam and Ben harmonized on the lyrics as Hoss used an over-tuned wash tub to pound out a beat.<\/p>\n

 <\/p>\n

\u201cThat\u2019s great, Hoss! It has a good beat and I can dance to it!\u201d Little Joe leaped onto the Bishop kitchen table, barely missing the freshly baked pie that was sitting there and did the tango while weeping.<\/p>\n

 <\/p>\n

Adam hesitated for a minute. He saw the ka-bobbing pitch fork propped in a corner of the Bishop kitchen and was about to strum it like a pitchfork-guitar but thought better of it. \u201cMy heart is wrenched from my very chest watching that boy suffer!\u201d Adam said, admiring his kid brother\u2019s virtuoso crying\/dancing talents. Joe would never be as tall as the rest of them but boy he could cry like a son of a gun.<\/p>\n

 <\/p>\n

Hoss sniffed and wiped his nose on his sleeve. He suspected that he was allergic to dead Amy Bishop\u2019s dog Scooby Doo or the Ice Blue Aqua Velva Pa was wearing. The boys had chipped in their poker winnings and bought him a gallon of that aftershave for Father\u2019s Day. Pa was so happy with it, Hoss hated to tell him to quit dousing himself in it each morning. Hoss decided that he would remedy the situation by dumping the Aqua Velva in the punch bowl the next time they had a party.<\/p>\n

 <\/p>\n

The Cartwright\u2019s mounted up and started for home. Even Chub was crying but that might have been because Hoss had forgotten he was on a vegan gluten free diet and helped himself to most of the last pie Amy had made before her untimely demise.<\/p>\n

 <\/p>\n

Joe was so touched by his family being touched that he too started to sing his favorite sad Joni Mitchell tune:<\/p>\n

 <\/p>\n

\u201cDon\u2019t it always seem to go
\nThat you don\u2019t know what you\u2019ve got
\nTill it\u2019s gone
\nThey paved paradise
\nAnd put up a parking lot<\/p>\n

Late last night
\nI heard the screen door slam
\nAnd a big yellow taxi
\nTook away my old man
\nDon\u2019t it always seem to go
\nThat you don\u2019t know what you\u2019ve got
\nTill it\u2019s gone
\nThey paved paradise
\nAnd put up a parking lot!\u201d **<\/em><\/p>\n

 <\/p>\n

Little Joe sang joyfully as they rode back home.<\/p>\n

 <\/p>\n

\u201cYou ok, Little Joe?\u201d his father asked as they finished the 15th<\/sup> chorus of the song.<\/p>\n

 <\/p>\n

Joe shrugged \u201cI suppose so, Pa. I sure loved Amy more than any girl I met since last week and not half as much as the girl I will meet next week!\u201d<\/p>\n

 <\/p>\n

\u201cBeen there, done that, and will do it again!\u201d Adam announced.<\/p>\n

 <\/p>\n

\u201cSure sounds good to me, older brother! Count me in on that!\u201d Hoss grinned and high fived Adam.<\/p>\n

 <\/p>\n

\u201cGood plan, boys,\u201d Ben said kicking his heels into Buck. \u201cYou boys make me prouder than punch! \u201c<\/p>\n

 <\/p>\n

“The special punch you make for parties!” The three brothers salivated at the idea. They all sure loved Pa\u2019s special yummy punch!<\/p>\n

 <\/p>\n

\u201cOoof!\u201d said Buck. Matt Dillon never kicked him like that, but then again Matt Dillon never sang very well or gave him leftover party punch in the water trough either.<\/p>\n

 <\/p>\n

\u201cWhy don\u2019t we have a party TONIGHT and Pa can make some blue punch this time,\u201d Hoss suggested.<\/p>\n

 <\/p>\n

\u201cSound grrrrrrrrrrrrrrreat to me!\u201d Buck whinnied. \u201cI\u2019m mighty thirsty!\u201d<\/p>\n

 <\/p>\n

\u201cUs too!\u201d said Sport and Chubb.<\/p>\n

\u201cGive me a cup of java!\u201d ordered Cochise.<\/p>\n

 <\/p>\n

\u201cThink I\u2019ll stop by at Ross Marquette\u2019s ranch and invite him before he transforms into a homicidal maniac and tries to kill me!\u201d Adam called as he rode over the hill towards his friend\u2019s house.<\/p>\n

 <\/p>\n

\u201cSounds like a fine way to end this episode and start the next!\u201d Ben called.<\/p>\n

*****End*****<\/p>\n

 <\/p>\n

*”Both Sides Now”, Joni Mitchell, 1967<\/p>\n

**”Big Yellow Taxi, Joni Mitchell, 1968<\/p>\n

 <\/p>\n

 <\/p>\n","protected":false},"excerpt":{"rendered":"

Summary:\u00a0\u00a0The Missing Scenes from Truckee Strip<\/p>\n

Rating:\u00a0 T\u00a0 \u00a0(1,510 word)<\/p>\n","protected":false},"author":44,"featured_media":14367,"comment_status":"open","ping_status":"closed","sticky":false,"template":"template-full-width-post.php","format":"standard","meta":{"_jetpack_newsletter_access":"","_jetpack_dont_email_post_to_subs":false,"_jetpack_newsletter_tier_id":0,"_jetpack_memberships_contains_paywalled_content":false,"_jetpack_feature_clip_id":0,"_jetpack_memberships_contains_paid_content":false,"footnotes":"","jetpack_publicize_message":"","jetpack_publicize_feature_enabled":true,"jetpack_social_post_already_shared":true,"jetpack_social_options":{"image_generator_settings":{"template":"highway","default_image_id":0,"font":"","enabled":false},"version":2},"jetpack_post_was_ever_published":false,"_members_access_role":[],"_members_access_error":""},"categories":[23,4,61],"tags":[],"class_list":["post-15528","post","type-post","status-publish","format-standard","has-post-thumbnail","hentry","category-drama","category-humor","category-missing-scene","wpcat-23-id","wpcat-4-id","wpcat-61-id"],"jetpack_publicize_connections":[],"jetpack_likes_enabled":true,"jetpack_sharing_enabled":true,"jetpack_featured_media_url":"https:\/\/i0.wp.com\/bonanzabrand.info\/library\/wp-content\/uploads\/2017\/06\/ARLE-e1497282889671.png?fit=570%2C416&ssl=1","_links":{"self":[{"href":"https:\/\/bonanzabrand.info\/library\/index.php?rest_route=\/wp\/v2\/posts\/15528","targetHints":{"allow":["GET"]}}],"collection":[{"href":"https:\/\/bonanzabrand.info\/library\/index.php?rest_route=\/wp\/v2\/posts"}],"about":[{"href":"https:\/\/bonanzabrand.info\/library\/index.php?rest_route=\/wp\/v2\/types\/post"}],"author":[{"embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/bonanzabrand.info\/library\/index.php?rest_route=\/wp\/v2\/users\/44"}],"replies":[{"embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/bonanzabrand.info\/library\/index.php?rest_route=%2Fwp%2Fv2%2Fcomments&post=15528"}],"version-history":[{"count":0,"href":"https:\/\/bonanzabrand.info\/library\/index.php?rest_route=\/wp\/v2\/posts\/15528\/revisions"}],"wp:featuredmedia":[{"embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/bonanzabrand.info\/library\/index.php?rest_route=\/wp\/v2\/media\/14367"}],"wp:attachment":[{"href":"https:\/\/bonanzabrand.info\/library\/index.php?rest_route=%2Fwp%2Fv2%2Fmedia&parent=15528"}],"wp:term":[{"taxonomy":"category","embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/bonanzabrand.info\/library\/index.php?rest_route=%2Fwp%2Fv2%2Fcategories&post=15528"},{"taxonomy":"post_tag","embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/bonanzabrand.info\/library\/index.php?rest_route=%2Fwp%2Fv2%2Ftags&post=15528"}],"curies":[{"name":"wp","href":"https:\/\/api.w.org\/{rel}","templated":true}]}}